JCMovies

[PatBack]

I've deleted PatBack's post since it is basically bound to start something, and I don't want that in a spin-off.

 

Cool.

[So Sejima]

I thought it was funny, since RRR ridiculed members 10x worse, yet nobody ever complained about that.

no. It never ridiculed me. So there for it was not bad

[JCM]

JCM Keeps Up With the Grim Reaper

(JCM walks into OMJ's apartment.)

JCM: Hello, neighbor!

OMJ: JCM? What are you doing here?

JCM: Our television is broken, so I was wondering if you'd let me use yours.

OMJ: Sure. What are you planning to watch?

JCM: Keeping Up With the Grim Reaper, my favorite show ever!

OMJ: Grim Reaper? What channel is this on?

JCM: 69.

OMJ: My favorite number.

(OMJ picks up his remote and flips to channel 69.)

Announcer: (on the television) You're watching Trash TV!

Grim Reaper: (on the television) Billy, what did I tell joo about playin' wit me scythe?

Billy: (on the television) I don't remember!

(Canned laughter is heard.)

OMJ: This show is terrible!

JCM: It's not terrible! It's real life!

OMJ: It uses a fucking laugh track!

JCM: You just don't appreciate art.

OMJ: This isn't art. This is exploitation.

JCM: Potato, potahto. Listen, if you don't want to watch this with me, you're free to leave.

OMJ: But I live he-

(JCM pushes OMJ out of the apartment and closes the door behind him.)

OMJ: Hey, let me back in! Aww, fuck it.

(OMJ walks down a sidewalk, and he sees the Grim Reaper crying at a nearby street corner.)

OMJ: Grimmy? What's wrong!

Grim Reaper: Oh, it's you! The person who ruined my life!

OMJ: Huh?

Grim Reaper: I assume you know about the new craze sweeping the nation. Keeping Up With the Grim Reaper is now the most popular series on channel 69!

(OMJ laughs.)

Grim Reaper: It's not that funny!

OMJ: Yes, it is.

Grim Reaper: I only did this show to make ends meet. I didn't know it'd be such a big success! There's no end in sight, and my contract with Trash TV doesn't expire for another 8,865 years! If only you hadn't gotten me fired from my old job, you stupid immortal bitch!

OMJ: Stupid handsome immortal bitch.

Grim Reaper: Fuck off.

OMJ: Come on! I'm willing to help! I hate Keeping Up With the Grim Reaper almost as much as you do!

Grim Reaper: Really?

OMJ: Yeah! If you want it taken off the air, I can help no prob!

Grim Reaper: Then let's do it!

(The Grim Reaper snaps his fingers, and he and OMJ are in the studio where KUWTGR is produced.)

OMJ: You can still do that?

Grim Reaper: Yeah, it was part of my severance package.

Network executive: Who are you?

OMJ: I...am a goddamn hero!

(OMJ tears off his shirt, showing off his muscular body.)

Network executive: Wha-

(OMJ rips the network executive to shreds. He then goes on to kill every other top-level and middle-level employee in the studio building.)

OMJ: (wipes hands) There. Problem solved.

Grim Reaper: Wow. And I thought I was a psychopath.

OMJ: Well, now that your reality show is dead along with everyone who ever worked on it, you wanna go get a drink?

Grim Reaper: Sure!

(OMJ and the Grim Reaper prance out the building as the corpses of the KUWTGR crew rot behind them.)

Grim Reaper: Also, you're buying.

(Twenty minutes later, OMJ walks up to his apartment.)

OMJ: What did I do with that key? ... Oh, right!

(OMJ reaches under his doormat and pulls out the key. He unlocks the door and sees that JCM is still watching television.)

OMJ: Bad news, but Keeping Up With the Grim Reaper probably won't be airing anymore.

JCM: That's alright. I've found an even better show: Maury!

Maury: (on the television) You are not the father!

(An audience gasps.)

Random black man: (on the television) Yes! Yes! I don't have to pay child support! Yes!

OMJ: Here we go again...

(The End)

[So Sejima]

yay the grim reaper returns!

[JCM]

JCM Solves a Mystery With the Noob Troop

 

(JCM walks into the SpongeBob Community School.)

JCM: Ah, the first day of the school year.

Voice: (over the intercom) JCM, can I see you in the principal's office?

JCM: I wonder what Dylan wants with me this time.

(JCM walks into the principal's office, and he finds Nuggets sitting at the desk.)

JCM: Nuggets? You're the new principal?

Nuggets: Yes.

JCM: I wondered why that voice in the intercom didn't sound like Justin Bieber.

Dylan: (from outside the office) Fuck you, JCM!

Nuggets: Anyway, I wanted to ask you about something.

JCM: Shoot.

Nuggets: You're part of a team of private investigators, right?

JCM: Uh-huh!

Nuggets: Good, good. Because I lost my glasses, and I needed someone to find them.

JCM: You can count on me!

(JCM runs into the door.)

Nuggets: It says "pull", not "push", you idiot!

JCM: (scratches his head) I haven't been here in a while.

(JCM walks out of the office.)

JCM: This looks like a job for The Troop Incorporated!

(Goosebumpsfan and NewLeafFan crash through the ceiling behind him.)

Goosebumpsfan: Oh God, my leg!

NewLeafFan: This was a shitty idea for an entrance!!! (does a face)

JCM: Do you guys think you're up for helping me solve a mystery?

Goosebumpsfan and NewLeafFan: No!

JCM: Goshdarnit! Now what'll I do?

(Lewleworange, Matt, and Sensei walk in front of JCM.)

JCM: Hey, Noob Troop!

Lewleworange: JCM? What do you want?

JCM: My partners just broke their internal skeletons, so I wondering if you three could help me find Principal Nuggets' missing glasses.

Lewleworange: Even though our troops are sworn enemies, we haven't had a case in a while, so sure!

JCM: Yay!

(Sensei whistles SpongeBob production music.)

JCM: Does he do that a lot?

Matt: Yeah. (does a -.- face)

Lewleworange: Come on! I know just where to start looking!

(Lewleworange takes JCM, Matt, and Sensei to the computer lab, where he puts up an episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.)

Lewleworange: Come on, Pinkie Pie! Show them how the power of love and kindness trumps grumpiness any day!

JCM: Are you sure that the glasses are in here?

Lewleworange: Shh! This is the best part!

(After the episode is over, Lewleworange stands from his semen-stained chair.)

Lewleworange: The glasses aren't in here. To the principal's office!

(Sensei whistles more SpongeBob production music as the Noob Troop and JCM go to the principal's office.)

JCM: Is there anything you can do other than whistle SpongeBob production music?

Sensei: I can hum SpongeBob production music.

(JCM sighs. He and the Noob Troop enter the office.)

Lewleworange: So Nuggets, could you give us a description of your missing glasses?

Nuggets: It's alright. I found the glasses in Wumbology's pants. Don't ask me how they got there.

(Lewleworange takes the glasses off Nuggets' face.)

Lewleworange: A-ha! So you're the thief!

Nuggets: Wha-

Lewleworange: We've solved the case! I'm gonna watch another episode of My Little Pony to celebrate!

(Lewleworange stuffs the glasses in his pants and heads for the computer lab.)

Nuggets: Damn, now I'll have to clean them off again.

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM: Ace Reporter

 

(JCM walks into Unlimitedcha's office.)

 

JCM: I heard that you're hiring new people for the school newspaper.

 

Unlimitedcha: (smoking a pipe) Maybe I am, maybe I'm not. What's it to you?

 

JCM: I was thinking of becoming one of the writers.

 

Unlimitedcha: Really? What can you write?

 

JCM: Oh, anything. Sports, business, reviews.

 

Unlimitedcha: Do you have anyone who can vouch for you?

 

JCM: Mr. Clappy can vouch for my writing skills-zee-zuh!

 

Unlimitedcha: Skills-zee-zuh?

 

JCM: I was trying to say "skills" with a "z". You know, to try to be hip.

 

(Clappy peeks into the office.)

 

Clappy: I was just stopping by in case JCM said that I'd vouch for his writing skillz.

 

JCM: How does he do it so easily?

 

Unlimitedcha: Is he a good writer, Clappy?

 

Clappy: In short: no. In long: fuck no.

 

(Clappy disappears.)

 

Unlimitedcha: Well, JCM, things are looking bad for you.

 

JCM: C'mon, UC, give me a chance! I've always wanted to be a journalist!

 

Unlimitedcha: (sighs) Fine. Since nobody else wants to take the missing spot, I'll let you have it.

 

JCM: Hooray!

 

(JCM does a little dance.)

 

Unlimitedcha: Don't...do that! What the hell is wrong with you?

 

JCM: My therapist made a pretty long list of the things that are wrong with me, but I can show you if you like.

 

Unlimitedcha: I'll pass. Just get a feature on my desk by tomorrow.

 

JCM: What do you want me to report on?

 

Unlimitedcha: I don't care! Just write about something interesting, something that people will actually want to read.

 

JCM: (salutes) I will not let you down!

 

(JCM takes a camera, pen, and notepad from Unlimitedcha's desk and leaves her office.)

 

Unlimitedcha: Wait, those are mi...oh, who gives a shit.

 

(JCM roams through the hallway.)

 

JCM: Where can I find some news around here?

 

(CNF is kicking his locker.)

 

JCM: Oh my gosh! ClassicNickelodeonFan's locker has developed a mind of its own, and has now provoked a fight with him!

 

CNF: What? No! The lock is just busted.

 

JCM: That's even worse! It must be a government conspiracy to keep us from putting personal items where they can't see them!

 

CNF: I doubt that.

 

JCM: You're right! The lockers probably have government surveillance in them already, and my thesis about the locker developing a mind of its own is correct! This is going to make for great reading! (writes in his notepad)

 

CNF: What's going on?

 

JCM: I work for the school newspaper now.

 

CNF: Oh. Well, in that case, you should probably report on something that's actually happening, like the wrestling match.

 

JCM: A wrestling match? Where? When?

 

CNF: In the gym, tonight at 7.
 

(In the gym, that night at seven, WWESpongefan and WWESpongebro start to wrestle on a mat.)

 

JCM: What the heck? This isn't wrestling! Where are the battle cries? Where are the broken bones?

 

(Coach Dragiiin watches the wrestling match on the bench beside JCM.)

 

Coach Dragiiin: This is real-life wrestling. The stuff you see on TV is fake.

 

(Clappy bursts out of the ground and punches Dragiiin square in the jaw.)

 

Clappy: Take...that...back!

 

Coach Dragiiin: (rips off his shirt) You wanna tussle? YOU WANNA TUSSLE?

 

(Clappy and Dragiiin start beating each other up, and JCM writes in his notepad excitedly. The next morning, JCM walks into Unlimitedcha's office and hands her a feature story with the title: "The Case Against School Wrestling".)

 

Unlimitedcha: Hey, this isn't half-bad. It isn't half-good, either, but I can definitely make something out of it.

 

JCM: So I can be a full-time reporter?

 

Unlimitedcha: Sure.

 

JCM: Yeah!

(JCM jumps into the air, and the episode freeze frames.)

 

Unlimitedcha: Totally not weirded out. Totally not weirded out at all.

 

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Built This City on Rock and Roll

 

(JCM walks into the music room.)

 

hilaryfan80: JCM? What do you want?

 

JCM: I heard you were having band tryouts.

 

hilaryfan80: You heard correctly. Do you play an instrument?

 

JCM: You betcha! I play a mean tambourine!

 

(JCM starts slapping a tambourine so loudly that all of the windows in the room break.)

 

hilaryfan80: I knew it was a bad idea to have windows in the music room.

 

JCM: So am I in?

 

hilaryfan80: Fuck no!

 

JCM: Why not?

 

hilaryfan80: For one, the tambourine isn't an instrument that we'll be featuring in our band. For two, you aren't even good at the tambourine.

 

JCM: I'll show you! I'll show you all!

 

hilaryfan80: What "all"? It's just me.

 

JCM: I'll make my own band, and it'll be the greatest band ever!

 

hilaryfan80: Good luck with that.

 

JCM: (walking out of the room) You'll see! You'll all see!

 

hilaryfan80: Again, there's no "all" here.

 

(JCM approaches Trophy at the water fountain.)

 

JCM: Hey, Trophy, would you like to join my band?

 

Trophy: Sure! What's the name of it?

 

JCM: Uhh... Led Zepplin?

 

Trophy: I'm pretty sure that's taken.

 

JCM: How about The Rolling Stones?

 

Trophy: No.

 

JCM: The Jackson 5?

 

Trophy: Are you even trying anymore?

 

(E.V.I.L squeezes himself out of the water fountain.)

 

E.V.I.L: How about The High Tiders?

 

Trophy: I like that!

 

JCM: I still prefer Led Zepplin, but okay. Do you want to join our band, E.V.I.L?

 

E.V.I.L: Hellz yeah, I do! I can make music with my elbow!

 

(E.V.I.L armpit farts Beethoven's Fifth Symphony.)

 

JCM: (blinks back a tear) That's the most beautiful thing I ever heard.

 

Trophy: (takes out a clarinet) And I guess I can play this thing.

 

(Trophy blows into the clarinet without covering any of the holes.)

 

Trophy: It sounds different when Squidward plays it.

 

JCM: That doesn't matter! My band is complete! Come on! Let's show hilaryfan80 what we're made of!

 

(JCM, Trophy, and E.V.I.L walk into the music room.)

 

JCM: Check out my new band, hilaryfan80!

 

hilaryfan80: It's very nice. Does this mean you'll leave me alone now?

 

JCM: Of course not! You'll have to listen to us play first!

 

hilaryfan80: But I just fixed the windows.

 

JCM: Come on, it'll only be for a second!

 

hilaryfan80: (sighs) Fine.

 

JCM: (taps foot) And-a one, and-a two, and-a three!

 

(Five seconds later, the music room is a complete mess, and hilaryfan80 is bleeding out of both ears.)

 

hilaryfan80: That...was the worst experience of my lifetime.

 

JCM: So we're in the band?

 

hilaryfan80: GET OUT!

 

JCM: We also play birthday parties.

 

(hilaryfan80 kicks JCM, Trophy, and E.V.I.L. out of the music room.)

 

E.V.I.L: So...what now?

 

JCM: Now we go to Hollywood and make it big!
 

Trophy: Nah. (throws his clarinet in the trash) I'm bored of being a musician. Let's get tacos. (leaves the school)

 

E.V.I.L: Yeah! (follows Trophy)

 

JCM: (rolls eyes) Fine. But you're buying, Trophs. (drops his tambourine into the trash and follows E.V.I.L)

 

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Annoys His Substitute Teacher

(The Grim Reaper walks into Clappy's history class.)

Grim Reaper: Hello. Mr. Clappy isn't here today, so I'll be subbing for him. My name is...

(The Grim Reaper uses his scythe to write his name on the chalkboard.)

MichaelMN: (covers his ears) The sound! Make it go away!

Grim Reaper: Oh, stop being such a baby! Anyway, my name is the Grim Reaper. I used to work for the devil, but now I'm a Viacom executive, so it wasn't much of a jump career-wise. (laughs) That was a joke. Working for Viacom is much, much worse. Anyway, Clappy left a lot of work for you guys, so we should...

Elastic Dog: Substitute teacher! Par-tay!

(Elastic Dog jumps on his desk wearing a toga.)

Elastic Dog: (fist pumps) Toga! Toga!

Grim Reaper: Stop that! We will not have toga parties in a learning institution!

Elastic Dog: Haven't you ever heard of college?

Grim Reaper: I said a learning institution.

JCM: Hey, I remember you! You were on that reality show, weren't you?

Grim Reaper: Please don't mention that thing.

JCM: Why are you working as a substitute teacher now?

Grim Reaper: I need another source of money so I can maintain my standard of living.

JCM: How are you so skinny? Can you give me any pointers?

Grim Reaper: I'm a fucking skeleton.

JCM: (writing) "Is an effing skeleton." Anything else?

Grim Reaper: Question time is over, students. Get to your work.

JCM: (raises hand) What's the Pythagorean Theorem?

Grim Reaper: This is a history class! Why would there be a question on your worksheet about the Pythagorean Theorem?

JCM: There isn't. I was just wondering.

Grim Reaper: Goddamn it, JCM! Focus on your classwork, or I swear to Satan that I'll rip you a new asshole!

JCM: (crying) I don't like you! Can I have Mr. Clappy back?

Grim Reaper: No, you can't have Mr. Clappy back! Now shut up!

(JCM looks down at his worksheet and raises his hand.)

Grim Reaper: (sighs) What?

JCM: Do you know the name of the garment that the ancient Romans wore?

Grim Reaper: That's easy! Toga!

(Elastic Dog jumps on his desk and starts fist pumping.)

Elastic Dog: Toga! Toga!

Grim Reaper: Gah!

(The Grim Reaper raises his scythe and prepares to chop Elastic Dog's head off.)

Elastic Dog: Whoa, dude! Chill!

Grim Reaper: (puts down scythe) You're right.

(The Grim Reaper turns to JCM.)

Grim Reaper: This is all your fault!

JCM: Hi.

(The Grim Reaper swings his scythe at JCM, but misses.)

Grim Reaper: Goddamn it! Why are you so short?

JCM: I get it from my dad.

Grim Reaper: Just do your fucking classwork and leave me alone!

JCM: (writing) "...leave me alone." Anything else?

Grim Reaper: I hate you.

JCM: (writing) "I hate you." (stops writing) Done!

Grim Reaper: Good!

(The Grim Reaper sits in Clappy's chair and reads a magazine. JCM raises his hand.)

JCM: Is that Playboy?

Grim Reaper: I'm ignoring you. (flips the page) But yes.

JCM: My mother posed for Playboy once. She called it a "gentleman's magazine". I read it, and there was nothing gentlemanly about it!

Grim Reaper: That's very interesting. (flips the page) I'm still ignoring you.

(The school bell rings, and everyone other than JCM leaves the room.)

Grim Reaper: Why aren't you going with them?

JCM: I failed history last year, so I have to take two classes now to make up for it! Isn't this great! I have so many questions lined up for the next block!

(The Grim Reaper pulls out a gun and shoots off the top of his skull.)

Grim Reaper: Man, I wish I felt that.

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Does Service to His Community

 

(JCM is standing in a courtroom.)

 

Judge: What's this I hear about you running over an old lady with your scooter?

 

JCM: I can explain, judge.

 

Judge: Then explain.

 

JCM: She was in my way.

 

Judge: Well then, in that case, you're free to go.

 

JCM: Really?

 

Judge: No. 25 hours of community service. Adjourned. (bangs gavel)

 

JCM: Is this where you bring in the dancing lobsters?

 

Judge: (rolls eyes) You've been hanging out with ClassicNickelodeonFan way too much.

 

(The next day, at the SpongeBob Community School, JCM walks into Aquatic Nuggets' office.)

 

Aquatic Nuggets: (on the phone) For the last time, Wumbology, you can not accept sexual favors from students in exchange for giving them A's for the year. (sees JCM) Hello! (to Wumbo) We'll talk about this later. (hangs up)

 

JCM: Mr. Nuggets, do you know any ways for me to get community service hours around here?

 

Aquatic Nuggets: Community service? What did you do?

 

JCM: I ran over some old broad with my scooter.

 

Aquatic Nuggets: Wait, you're the asshole who put my grandmother in the hospital?

 

JCM: N-no.

 

Aquatic Nuggets: Anyway, if you want community service hours, you should check with our custodian. He might have something for you to do.

 

JCM: Thanks, Aqua!

 

(JCM skips out of the office and runs into OMJ.)

 

JCM: Hi, OMJ! How's the janitor scene?

 

OMJ: Oh no, I quit that low-paying job. MilkMaidMan's the janitor now.

 

JCM: MilkMaidWho?

 

(A carton of milk with a cape flies in front of JCM and OMJ.)

 

MMM: I'm MilkManMan! Would you like to drink from my nipples of awesomeness?

 

JCM: No thanks.

 

MMM: (to OMJ) How about you?

 

OMJ: I can't. I

 

MMM: Nonsense!

 

(MMM squirts milk into OMJ's mouth.)

 

OMJ: (choking) I'm lactose intolerant!

 

(OMJ's head explodes.)

 

MMM: Oh no, I've made a mess! Time to switch from milk mode to maid mode!

 

(MMM transforms into a very beautiful maid.)

 

MMM: (Spanish accent) I clean carpet.

 

(MMM takes out a vacuum and starts vacuuming the blood-soaked floor.)

 

JCM: This isn't the weirdest thing I've seen.

 

(JCM taps MMM on the shoulder.)

 

JCM: Excuse me, miss...or mister...or whatever.

 

MMM: Yes?

 

JCM: Is there anything I could maybe do for community service?

 

MMM: Can't talk. Must clean.

 

JCM: What?

 

(MMM resumes vacuuming the floor, and JCM turns red.)

 

JCM: You goshdarn lady! If you don't turn around and address me right now, I'll stinkin' stink you! Don't you stink with me, woman!

 

(MMM turns around, confused.)

 

MMM: I clean face.

 

(MMM starts vacuuming JCM's face.)
 

JCM: (muffled) Help! I have a calcium deficiency!

 

(Suddenly, the maid MMM turns back into the milk carton MMM.)

 

MMM: Don't worry! MilkMaidMan is here!

 

(MMM squirts milk from both nipples at JCM, sending him across the hallway.)

 

JCM: (coughs) So, about that service...

 

(MMM flies over JCM and into the horizon.)

 

MMM: I'm MilkMaidMaaaaan!

 

JCM: (sighs) I guess I'll just help the old nursery home for my community service. (wipes milk off his shirt) I just hope Aqua's granny isn't there.

 

(The End)

[So Sejima]

I laughed way too hard at MilkMaidMan

[MMM]

I clean face.

[So Sejima]

I clean face.

YOU FORGOT YOUR SPANISH ACCENT!

[JCM]

JCM Navigates the Seas of Online Piracy

 

(JCM walks into his English class.)

 

teenj12: JCM, you're late.

 

JCM: teenj? You're the new English teacher?

 

teenj12: Yeah, I need some money to pay for my wedding with SG.

 

JCM: Anyway, sorry I'm late. I had a really bad case of diarrhea this morning.

 

teenj12: TMI! TMI!

 

JCM: That's the last time I eat at Shin's place. Actually, it's probably not. His food is excellent.

 

teenj12: Just take your seat, please.

 

(JCM sits at his desk.)

 

teenj12: Now, I want you all to write opinion essays about the latest SpongeBob episode.

 

JCM: The latest SpongeBob episode? When did that air?

 

teenj12: Last night.

 

JCM: Oh no! I missed it! What am I going to do? What am I going to do?

 

teenj12: Just download the episode off Pirate Bay like everybody else. You have until tomorrow to being me the essay, then after that it's an F.

 

(After school, JCM goes into an internet cafe and types "Pirate Bay" into one of the computers. Suddenly, he's sucked into the computer and ends up on a pirate ship.)

 

JCM: What the?

 

Captain: Ahoy, matey! Welcome to the Pirate Bay! What would ye like to order?

 

JCM: I'd like the latest episode of SpongeBob, please.

 

Captain: (to the other pirates) Ye heard the landlubber! Get on it!

 

(The pirate ship speeds up.)

 

JCM: So, are you all actual pirates?

 

Captain: Aye. We make our living stealing and distributing copyrighted material. It's rough, but it's a living.

 

JCM: How do you make money?

 

Pirate: After it be over, we steal and sell the kidneys of our customers.

 

JCM: Wait, what?

 

Pirate: Yarr, I didn't mean to say that out loud.

 

Pirate: Captain, we've got trouble!

 

(The pirate shows the captain a telescope, and when he looks through the telescope, he sees a ship marked "Viacom" heading towards them.)

 

Captain: Shiver me timbers!

 

JCM: What does that mean?

 

Captain: Shit!

 

JCM: I see.

 

Captain: The Viacunts be gaining on us! Quick! Fire the cannon!

 

Pirate: Okie-dokie, then!

 

Captain: A pirate does not say "okie-dokie, then!" A pirate says "arr"!

 

Pirate: Whatever.

 

(The pirate shoots a cannonball at the Viacom boat, but it misses.)

 

Pirate: Damn. That was our last ball.

 

Lawyer: (on the Viacom boat) Prepare to be boarded and litigated!

 

Captain: Not on me watch!

 

(The Captain jumps onto the Viacom boat and takes out his sword.)

 

Captain: Avast, bitches!

 

(The lawyer takes out a machine gun and riddles the captain with bullet holes.)

 

Lawyer: This ain't the nineteenth century, punk! (clears throat) I mean, that's what you get for violating intellectual property laws.

 

(The pirate from before takes the wheel of the Pirate Bay ship and does a U-turn.)

 

JCM: (falls on his back) Hey!

 

(JCM picks up a map and points to a red "X" in the center.)

 

JCM: This must be where the SpongeBob episode is!

 

Pirate: Fuck that! I'm going home to my mommy!

 

JCM: No! There must be something we can do!

 

Pirate: We're out of cannonballs and Viacom is blocking the way to the treasure. What do you suggest?

 

(JCM stuffs the pirate into the cannon.)

 

Pirate: I don't like this idea!

 

(JCM shoots the pirate at the Viacom boat, and it explodes. JCM takes the wheel of the Pirate Bay ship and sails it to an island.)

 

JCM: We're here!

 

(JCM runs to the red X and digs out the treasure with his hands. When he opens the chest, he takes out a VHS copy of the latest episode of SpongeBob.)

 

JCM: Nooooo! I don't have a VCR player!

 

(It turns out that this entire episode was just a story that teenj12 was reading to the class.)

 

teenj12: And that's why piracy doesn't pay. Any questions?

 

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Gets the Straight Scared Out of Him

 

(JCM is sitting in the auditorium with the rest of the SBC student body.)

 

JCM: Does anybody know what's going on?

 

CNF1: (shrugs) Principal Nuggets just said that we would be doing something special today.

 

(A pair of inmates walk onto the auditorium's stage accompanied by police officers.)

 

Inmate 1: Hello. I'm sure that a lot of you are familiar with the Scared Straight program.

 

Inmate 2: Well, guess what? We're the Scared Straight program, bitches!

 

Inmate 1: Michael, please. Anyway, yes. We are part of that program, but don't think of what we are trying to do as "scaring" you, but more like educating you, trying to keep you from making the same mistakes we did.

 

Inmate 2: Bullshit! I'm here to scare y'all, and if y'all ain't shittin' in yo pants by the time I'm finished, I didn't do my job right!

 

Inmate 1: (sighs) Whatever. Here's my story: I grew up in an affluent neighborhood, and I was given everything I could possibly want as a child, but I went down the wrong road when I turned 16. I started selling drugs, and a year later, I was caught and handcuffed. I was tried as an adult, and now I'm spending 10 years in prison.

 

Inmate 2: 10 years in prison? Fuck, you got it easy! I'm doing 20 to life!

 

Inmate 1: What did you do?

 

Inmate 2: What did I do? I killed a man.

 

(Inmate 1 gasps.)

 

Inmate 2: Yeah, I shot him in the face and threw him into the river. It took the police six days to find his body. (smiles) But I'm not here to tell you all my life story. I'm here to tell you about prison life. It's real out there. If you don't watch your back, you'll get ass-raped quicker than you can say "What is this weird feeling in my bu-OH GOD!"

 

Inmate 1: Alright, I think that's enough.

 

Inmate 2: And if you think that only happens to the bad guys, you're wrong. It happens to the good guys, too. Especially the good guys.

 

(Inmate 2 points directly at JCM, who is shaking in his seat.)

 

Inmate 2: They'd have their way with you, little man. You're what they'd call "prime buttfuck".

 

Inmate 1: Goddamn it, Michael! Are you trying to make us lose our smoking priveleges?

 

(ExKizuna raises his hand.)

 

Inmate 1: You, in the back there. What's your question?

 

ExKizuna: How much money did you make selling drugs?

 

Inmate 1: About $20,000.

 

ExKizuna: In one year?

 

Inmate 1: It's in demand.

 

(ExKizuna's eyes turn into dollar signs.)

 

Aquatic Nuggets: (walks onto the stage) Thanks for coming here! I'm sorry that I have to ask you to leave, but you know, classes.

 

(The inmates and officers leave the auditorium.)

 

CNF1: Well, that was a waste of time.

 

JCM: Y-yeah. A waste of time.

 

CNF1: Are you alright, JCM?

 

JCM: Yeah. (stares blankly at the ceiling) Just peachy.

 

(Later that day, JCM is walking home, carrying his scooter. CNF1 sees him.)

 

CNF1: Hey, JCM! Why aren't you riding your scooter home?

 

JCM: I had Coca-Cola today!

 

CNF1: So?

 

JCM: Coca-Cola has caffeine! Caffeine is a drug! Riding my scooter home after drinking Coca-Cola would constitute driving under the influence, which would lead to me getting arrested, which would lead to me getting anally raped in prison!

 

CNF1: Um...okay.

 

(ExKizuna taps CNF1 on the shoulder.)

 

ExKizuna: Hey, you wanna buy a bag of weed?

 

CNF1: What? When did you start selling weed?

 

ExKizuna: Since I learned about how profitable it was from that Scared Straight guy.

 

CNF1: Scared Straight?

 

(CNF1 sees JCM walk nervously around a police car with the scooter in his hands.)

 

CNF1: Oh, geez.

 

(The next day, CNF1 walks into Aquatic Nuggets' office.)

 

CNF1: Mr. Nuggets, I'd like to make a request.

 

Aquatic Nuggets: Don't worry. The Scared Straight program won't be coming back to our school anytime soon.

 

CNF1: Really? Okay then, that was easy.

 

(The phone rings. Aquatic Nuggets picks it up.)

 

Aquatic Nuggets: No, I do not want to buy your weed, ExKizuna... Oh, you're selling meth now, too? Talk to Mr. Wumbo about that. He's always wanted to do a Breaking Bad-type thing.

 

CNF1: I guess that's my cue to leave. (leaves)

 

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Engineers a Hot Mess

(JCM walks into Wumbology's class as the bell rings.)

Wumbology: Remember to sign up for this year's science fair, everybody! It'll be a doozy!

JCM: Ooh, I can't wait!

Wumbology: Wait for what? You aren't participating.

JCM: What? Why?

Wumbology: For last year's science fair project, you built a sentient robot that tried to take over the world!

JCM: And he would have gotten away with it, too, if his battery didn't run out!

Wumbology: With that in mind, there's no way in hell I'm letting you do science fair again this year.

JCM: Come on, Mr. Wumbo! Give me another chance! I'll be good! I promise!

Wumbology: Fine, but I'm pairing you with somebody else to ensure you don't destroy the school.

JCM: Yay!

(JCM jumps gracefully into his chair, leaving a trail of rainbow dust behind him.)

Wumbology: JCM, what did I tell you about shitting rainbows in my classroom?

JCM: Sorry.

(Later that day, JCM walks out of the school with kevin_ng, his new science fair partner.)

kevin_ng: So, what are we going to do for the fair?

JCM: I don't know. Since giant, evil robots are apparently off-limits, we'll have to think of something just as cool but less destructive.

kevin_ng: How about a volcano?

JCM: A volcano?

kevin_ng: Yeah, all you need for a volcano is some papier mâché, vinegar and baking soda.

JCM: Sweet! We'll make a volcano that will blow the judge away!

(kevin_ng and JCM build the volcano in kevin_ng's kitchen.)

JCM: Vinegar!

(kevin_ng gives JCM the vinegar, and he pours it into the volcano.)

JCM: Baking soda.

(kevin_ng gives JCM the baking soda, which he pours into the volcano.)

JCM: Juice box!

(kevin_ng gives JCM a juice box.)

JCM: Juicy Juice? What is this? Nazi Germany? I wanted Minute Maid!

(The volcano starts to shake.)

JCM: And here it goes!

(A bubbly white liquid comes out of the volcano's hole and streams down to the bottom.)

JCM: (pauses) That's it?

kevin_ng: Yeah, it went better than I thought!

JCM: This...is not going to get us first place.

kevin_ng: Yeah, but isn't it about the fun of the competition?

JCM: The fun of the competition? What is this? Nazi Germany?

kevin_ng: You really like Nazi Germany, don't you?

JCM: No, we need something brilliant! Something that'll blow the judge away!

(JCM gets into a Winnie-the-Pooh thinking position.)

JCM: Think. Think. Think. I've got it!

(JCM pours gasoline and red food color into the volcano.)

JCM: All we have to do at the science fair is throw in a match, and we'll blow the judge away for sure!

kevin_ng: Or blow him up!

JCM: You worry too much. Don't worry. I've got this all under control.

(The next week, JCM and kevin_ng are at the science fair with the volcano. kevin_ng sweats as a judge walks up to their table.)

Judge: Fuck, another volcano. Alright, let's get this over with!

JCM: (takes out a match) Prepare to be amazed!

kevin_ng: No!

(kevin_ng knocks the match out of JCM's hand just as he lights it. Instead of falling into the volcano, the match bounces off the judge's tie, setting it on fire. The judge runs around the science fair in panic, crashing into all the other projects and setting them on fire as a result. kevin_ng sprays him and the burning projects with a fire extinguisher.)

Judge: (to JCM and kevin_ng) Well, since all the other projects have been ruined, I guess you guys are the winner of this year's science fair. Hooraaay. (faints)

JCM: See? I told you we'd blow the judge away.

(JCM nudges kevin_ng with his elbow, but he accidentally knocks the volcano off the table, causing the gasoline to spill where the lighted match fell, causing a giant, red explosion. JCM and kevin_ng are left as ashes on the floor.)

kevin_ng: I hate you.

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Visits a Graveyard

(JCM walks into jjstheviceprincipal's office. jjs is wearing a Flying Dutchman costume, and JCM is wearing a spherical, orange-based costume.)

JCM: Happy Halloween!

jjstheviceprincipal: Thanks, but why are you dressed like an orange?

JCM: I don't know, but orange you glad I didn't dress like an apple? Ha ha!

(JCM stumbles and falls on his back, unable to get up due to his costume.)

JCM: Still worth it!

jjs: Yeah...

JCM: So, what are you planning to do tonight?

jjs: Well, the staff is throwing a Halloween party, so I'll probably go to that.

JCM: Cool!

jjs: What about you? Are you planning to trick-or-treat in that thing, because if you are, you'll probably be getting fruits instead of candy all night.

JCM: Nah, I plan to go to the graveyard tonight.

jjs: The graveyard? What?

JCM: Yeah, it's been rumored that the ghosts of former SBC students and teachers roam the graveyard every Halloween night, and I want a front row seat when it happens!

jjs: JCM, were you dropped on the head as a child?

JCM: Yes. Why?

jjs: For one, you're dressed as a fucking orange. For two, you just told me that you're missing a night of trick-or-treating to talk to dead students in a graveyard.

JCM: I have plenty of Halloween nights to trick-or-treat, but how many chances will I get to interact with those who once were?

jjs: JCM, this is a bad idea all-around.

JCM: Well, since it's after school hours, there's nothing you can do about it!

jjs: (shrugs) I guess you're right.

(Later that night, JCM walks into a graveyard with a lantern in his hands.)

JCM: Spirits of the dead, come out come out whereever you are.

(jjs appears behind a grave.)

JCM: Aah!

jjs: JCM, funny meeting you here!

JCM: Bejeezus, jjs! You scared the bejeezus out of my bejeezus!

jjs: Sorry.

JCM: Why are you here, anyway? Shouldn't you be at the party?

jjs: I will be, but first I need to talk you out of this stunt of yours. Mingling with the deceased? You could get yourself killed, then you'll end up in here with the rest of them!

JCM: Thanks for your concern, but I'll be fine.

(JCM takes out a giant drum and cymbal and starts banging them with an even larger stick.)

that70sguys' ghost: Fuck, man!

JCM: (drops the band equipment) that70sguy?

that70sguys' ghost:  Yeah, yeah. (to jjs) What did I tell you about bringing annoying visitors to our place of rest?

jjs: I tried to get him out here, 70s.

JCM: Wait, jjs, you've been here before?

jjs: Yeah, I come every week. Mostly to talk to Hassan, though.

Hassan's ghost: (rises from another grave) Yo, jjs! Wassup!

jjs: Not much, Hassan! Not much! (chuckles) I love that guy.

that70sguys' ghost:  Who's this idiot in the orange, anyway?

JCM: You don't remember me, Mr. 70s? I was your favorite history student.

that70sguys' ghost:  Wait, now I remember you! You're that guy with the chiwa!

JCM: Wait, how do you know about the chiwa? The only people who know about the chiwa are me, Max, crushing, ACS, Patback, and... (pauses) Whaleblubber.

jjs: What's wrong, JCM?

JCM: I just realized...that 70s sounds exactly like Whaleblubber!

that70sguys' ghost:  What? No...what?

JCM: It makes sense! When I first saw Whaleblubber at shinya's sushi restaurant, he not only sounded different, but he was just a mindless, whale-fat-throwing monster. The Whaleblubber at the school had constructed an elaborate plan with enemies of SBC like some kind of criminal mastermind! It would make sense that he was being controlled, or possessed, by a ghost!

that70sguys' ghost: I suggest you tread lightly, little fruit boy.

jjs: So what he's saying is true? 70s, why?

that70sguys' ghost: The less you know, the better. (sinks into his grave)

jjs: Well, JCM, I'm surprised that you managed to figure all of that out. Maybe you're not as stupid as I thought.

JCM: Figure what out?

jjs: That the Whaleblubber who hypnotized us and tried to steal your soul was actually 70s.

JCM: Whaleblubber is actually 70s? Holy bejeezus!

jjs: Uh, do you remember anything you just said to 70s' ghost?

JCM: I remember counting the people who knew about my chiwa, then I blacked out.

jjs: Have you blacked out before?

JCM: No. But I'm sure it's nothing to worry about.

(The ghost of Deli walks by.)

JCM: Oh my gosh, it's Deli! (chases after the ghost) Come back! I need to touch you!

jjs: Right. Nothing to worry about.

(The End)

[So Sejima]

*walks into graveyard going to see what ye old members were like due to not caring about candy, sees JCM trying to touch a ghost, and slowly backs away looking confused*

[JCM]

JCM Has a Guy's Night Out

(Servin' Up Smiles, Unlimitedcha, and Aya are gossiping next to the lockers. OMJ walks up to them.)

OMJ: Hey, girls! How's it going?

Aya: (giggles) Who invited the old guy?

OMJ: Old guy? Want to say that to my face, bitch?

Aya: I did say that to your face.

OMJ: Oh.

Smiles: Dad, can we speak for a moment?

OMJ: Sure.

Smiles: In private?

OMJ: Oh, okay.

(OMJ and Smiles go to a less-crowded part of the hallway.)

OMJ: So, what's wrong?

Smiles: What were you doing over there?

OMJ: I was just trying to get to know some of your friends.

Smiles: That's your idea of getting to know people?

OMJ: Hey, she started it!

Smiles: (sighs) Listen, it's great that you're my father and all, but I want to hang out with other girls my age without you cramping my style.

OMJ: Cramping your style. Okay.

Smiles: I'm glad you understand.

(Smiles goes back to her friends, leaving OMJ standing next to a classroom. JCM and Clappy walk out of that classroom.)

Clappy: For the last time, JCM, Hitler didn't invent airplanes.

JCM: I have a pamphlet at home that says otherwise.

Clappy: (sees OMJ) Hey, BroMJ! Something got you down?

OMJ: My teenage daughter doesn't think that I'm cool enough to hang out with her and her friends.

Clappy: Well, that's bullshit! You're the coolest guy I know! Right, JCM?

JCM: Can I plead the fifth?

Clappy: Ignore him. You know what you need? A night out with the guys!

JCM: Ooh, can I join? My curfew was just extended, so I'm looking to take advantage of that!

Clappy: Sure, whatever. How about it, OMJ?

OMJ: I guess I'm in the mood to go to the bar and get drunk.

JCM: No, I can't do that. I don't drink.

OMJ: Then let's go to the casino!

JCM: I can't do that, either. I don't gamble.

Clappy: You know, you don't have to come with us.

OMJ: No, no. I've got a better idea. Let's go to a strip joint!

JCM: Oh, you mean a strip mall?

OMJ: ...Sure!

JCM: I'll get my piggy bank!

(JCM runs to his locker, gets his piggy bank out of the locker, and runs back.)

Clappy: I'm not even gonna ask. Come on, let's go.

(JCM, OMJ, and Clappy go into Clappy's car and drive to the local strip joint. Once they walk in, a brasserie hits JCM in the face, covering his eyes.)

JCM: (chuckles) There must be a sale on women's underwear nearby.

(Clappy and OMJ tiptoe away just as JCM removes the brasserie from his face. JCM screams.)

OMJ: (muttering) Damn it.

JCM: This isn't a strip mall!

Clappy: Yeah, it's better!

JCM: I wanted to shop for reasonably priced goods, not look at a woman's goods!

Stripper: Speaking of that, could you toss me my bra back?

(JCM looks down at the brasserie in his hand and starts to roll around on the ground crying.)

JCM: It touched my face! It touched my face! It touched my face!

Stripper: I'll take that as a "no".

OMJ: You know what, Clappy? I'm already starting to feel better!

(OMJ and Clappy both laugh. A scantily-clad waitress gives OMJ a glass of wine.)

OMJ: Thanks, babe.

(OMJ downs the wine, causing his liver to fail, killing him immediately.)

Clappy: (looks down at OMJ's body) Well...fuck.

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Monitors the Halls

(JCM walks into Aquatic Nuggets' office.)

JCM: You wanted me, Principal Nuggets?

Aquatic Nuggets: Yes. I'm just letting you know that your name came up on the list of volunteers for the school's hall monitor program.

JCM: Really? I get to be a hall cop?

Aquatic Nuggets: Yeah. Whatever. Just come here before school starts tomorrow so I can bring you up to speed on hallway policies, conduct, et cetera.

JCM: (salutes) You got it!

(JCM runs out of Aquatic Nuggets' office. The next day, JCM is standing in the hallway wearing a policeman's uniform with a pair of sunglasses.)

ExKizuna: Hey, JCM! Is that your stripper outfit?

JCM: Inappropriate comments? In my hall?

(JCM tasers ExKizuna in the butt.)

ExKizuna: What the fuck, man? Why did you just taser me in the ass?

JCM: Because you disrespected my hallway. Now go to class before I have to write you up.

(ExKizuna grumbles and crawls away.)

CNF: Hey, JCM! What was that about?

JCM: Just doing my duty as hall cop.

CNF: Okay...how's it going?

JCM: It's going fine. Never felt better. Now go to class before I have to write you up.

CNF: Excuse me?

JCM: You're excused.

CNF: JCM, I think you're letting this hall monitor thing go to your head.

JCM: What do you mean?

CNF: Most of us only signed up for the hall monitor gig so we could get a day off from all our classes. Nobody actually takes the position seriously.

JCM: You know, this is what is wrong with the state of the school today! There's too much apathy! I intend to change that, starting now!

(Wumbolo walks down the hall, whistling. JCM tasers him in the chest.)

JCM: No whistling in the hall! (blows the smoke off his taser) I love being hall cop.

CNF: Okay, I'm not sticking around to see how this ends.

(CNF walks to his next class just as the bell rings.)

JCM: Alright, most delinquency occurs during class time, so I better be extra alert.

(Twenty minutes later, JCM is sitting by the water fountain, bored.)

JCM: Delinquints, you can come out whenever you want.

(Newleaffan walks out of a nearby classroom.)

JCM: A-ha!

Newleaffan: Huh?

JCM: Where do you think you're going?

Newleaffan: To the bathroom.

JCM: Can I see your hall pass?

(Newleaffan gives JCM a hall pass.)

JCM: How do I know this isn't forged?

Newleaffan: Why would I forge a hall pass?

JCM: I'm the one who asks questions here!

(JCM tasers Newleaffan in the face.)

JCM: Back to class, you hooligan!

(Newleaffan runs back to class, crying. Aquatic Nuggets comes out of his office.)

Aquatic Nuggets: JCM! What is this I hear about you tasering students without provocation? In fact, what is this I hear about you tasering students at all? The hall monitor doesn't have the authority to taser!

JCM: I'm cleaning up the halls, Principal Nuggets! Isn't that what you wanted me to do?

Aquatic Nuggets: I wanted you to enforce hallway regulations and report to me about any infractions. Did you even listen to the lecture I gave you in my...

(Aquatic Nuggets' words turn into a trombone sound reminiscent of the Charlie Brown cartoons.)

JCM: (thinking) I wonder what we're having in the cafeteria today.

Aquatic Nuggets: Goddamn it, JCM! Are you listening right now?

JCM: (thinking) Man, Mr. Nuggets looks mad. I better nod and smile politely.

(JCM nods and smiles politely.)

Aquatic Nuggets: (rolls his eyes) You know what, JCM? I think you've been working hard enough to deserve a promotion.

JCM: A pro- a promo- a promotion?

Aquatic Nuggets: Yeah! Now you get to guard the school from outside! Far, far away from the students.

JCM: Hooray!

(JCM runs out of the school, where he finds two teenagers spray-painting crude pictures of SpongeBob and Patrick with penises in their mouths.)

JCM: Graffiti? Outside of my school?

(JCM chases after the teenagers, taser ready in his hand.)

JCM: I love being lawn cop!

(The End)

[MMM]

Hilarious stuff here.