JCMovies

[So Sejima]

I update the show every Thursday, and it's Thursday, so I shouldn't keep you waiting for long.

1 hour 2 minutes later! 42 minutes later! Edited March 8, 2013 by TheTrophyStealer

[JCM]

JCM Loses Weight

(JCM walks into the school with a chocolate-stained mouth.)

JCM: Man, those chocolates were delicious! Wait, where did I get them from again?

(JCM shrugs and takes his schedule out of his backpack.)

JCM: Oh no! I'm late for P.E.!

(JCM runs into the gym, where Dragiiin123 is making his classmates do push-ups.)

Dragiiin123: 1...2...3...4...Hey, JCM...5...6...Wait a minute! You're tardy again!

JCM: No, no I'm not!

Dragiiin123: Yes, you are! Take 5, everyone!

(The other students drop to the floor and breathe a sigh of relief.)

Dragiiin123: You know the penalty for lateness! To the chin-up bar!

JCM: No, please! I'm begging you!

Dragiiin123: Op-op-op! Move it!

(JCM goes to the chin-up bar and attempts to pull himself up.)

JCM: I can't do it!

Dragiiin123: Goddamn it, JCM! You will your get your chin over that bar at the count of three! 1...

(JCM pulls, and gets nothing.)

Dragiiin123: 2...

(JCM pulls harder, and still gets nothing.)

Dragiiin123: 3!

(JCM pulls even harder, and his arms pop off.)

JCM: Can you get that?

Dragiiin123: Goddamn it, JCM! You are the most physically unfit person I've ever seen! And what's that on your face?

JCM: (licks the chocolate off) Nothing!

Dragiiin123: Were you eating those chocolates bars I gave you to sell? You're already a fatass! Why would you fuck up your body even more?

JCM: (crying) I was hungry!

Dragiiin123: Stop crying and take my insults like a man!

JCM: (sniffs) Why are you insulting me, anyway?

Dragiiin123: I'm a coach! It's my job to insult you! Now... (takes out a scale) Get on this scale!

(JCM gets on the scale, and the numbers on it randomly change until the entire thing explodes.)

Dragiiin123: Goddamn it, JCM! You broke the scale! Get out of my gym, and don't come back until you're at least ten pounds lighter!

JCM: I'll do that, but can you at least give me my arms back first?

(Dragiiin123 pulls JCM's arms off the chin-up bar and attaches them to JCM's shoulders.)

JCM: Strange. I wasn't left-handed before.

Dragiiin123: That doesn't matter! Now, go on! You have weight to lose!

JCM: How do I lose weight, anyway?

Dragiiin123: The way everyone does it! Through a Rocky-style montage!

(JCM walks out of the school.)

JCM: (scratches chin) How do Rocky-style montages usually begin? (looks around) Hey! A near-exact replica of the Philadelphia Museum of Art! That'll be the perfect place to start!

(The Rocky theme plays as JCM jogs up the PMA replica's stairs. He runs out of breath when he gets to the third step.)

JCM: This is going to be harder than I thought.

(JCM goes to a butcher shop and knocks on the door.)

JCM: There was that scene in Rocky with the meat-based punching bags. Maybe that could work with me!

(The butcher opens the door.)

Butcher: Yes?

JCM: Excuse me, sir, but can I beat your meat?

(The butcher slams the door in JCM's face.)

JCM: What's the deal with that guy?

(JCM attempts to jog up the PMA replica steps once again, and this time, he makes it to the fifth step.)

JCM: (sweating) Improvement!

(JCM is somewhere else, and he's lifting a barbell that, instead of bells, has a teddy bear on both sides. When he finally gets it over his head, he drops it, and it makes a squeaking noise.)

JCM: I'll need to thank SpongeBob for his bearbell later.

(JCM takes the PMA replica's elevator to the top of the steps, and after checking to see if anybody else is watching, he jumps up and down in triumph.)

JCM: Who said that cheaters never prosper?

(The Rocky theme ends abrubtly as JCM trips and falls down the PMA replica's 72 stairs. He crawls back to the SpongeBob Community School and walks into the gymnasium, bruises and all.)

JCM: I'm back, and I'm ready to see the results!

Dragiiin123: Cool.

(Dragiiin123 puts JCM back onto the scale, and it breaks again.)

Dragiiin123: Congratulations! You lost ten...ounces.

JCM: I can live with that! (collapses)

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Confers With Parents and Teachers

(JCM walks into the school with his father at nighttime.)

JCM: Do I have to go to this parent-teacher conference with you?

JCM's Dad: What, are you afraid that I'll embarrass you?

JCM: Yes.

JCM's Dad: (laughs) Well, don't worry. I'll be on my best behavior.

(JCM and his father go into the auditorium, where the rest of the adults are chatting and drinking wine.)

Aquatic Nuggets: JCM! I'm glad that you could make it to the party! Would you like some of our vintage SBC wine?

JCM: No thanks. I'm a teetotaler.

Aquatic Nuggets: How about you, Mr. JCM? Taking care of someone like him must put you in the mood for alcohol all the time.

JCM's Dad: You bet your sweet ass it does! Give me some of that wine!

(Aquatic Nuggets gives JCM's father a bottle of wine, and he chugs it down his throat.)

JCM's Dad: Hoo-wee! Is it getting hot in here or what?

JCM: (behind clenched teeth) Daddy, you said that you wouldn't embarrass me.

JCM's Dad: I did? (burps) Oh, yeah! I lied. (staggers off)

(JCM shields his face and starts to leave the auditorium, but he bumps into Servin' Up Smiles and her mother on the way out.)

Servin' Up Smiles: Oh hi, JCM! You got here just in time to meet Mama Smiles!

JCM: Why did you bring your mother here? You're not a student.

Servin' Up Smiles: Yeah, but I figured that now was a better time than any to get everyone acquainted with her!

Mama Smiles: It's nice to meet you.

(JCM shakes Mama Smiles' hand.)

JCM: Thank you. Your daughter is very attractive.

Mama Smiles: What?

JCM: I mean ecstatic. She's very ecstatic about...well, everything.

Mama Smiles: Thanks. She gets it from me.

Servin' Up Smiles: (laughs) It's true!

JCM: Wow, you really seem to like your mom.

Servin' Up Smiles: Of course! Who wouldn't like their parents?

(Servin' Up Smiles notices JCM's father passed out in the center of the auditorium.)

Servin' Up Smiles: Say, do you know that guy?

JCM: Never seen him in my life.

JCM's Dad: (sleep-talking) JCM is my son. JCM is my son.

JCM: Goshdarnit!

Mama Smiles: Wait a minute! I recognize that man!

Servin' Up Smiles: You do?

JCM: You do?

Mama Smiles: Yeah! We had a one-night stand 115 years ago!

JCM: But I'm 115! (gasps) You're my mother!

Servin' Up Smiles: Oh my god! Does this mean that JCM and I are siblings?

Mama Smiles: Half-siblings. Your father was a different man.

(Old Man Jenkins walks into the auditorium.)

Mama Smiles: There he is!

Old Man Jenkins: Wha?

Servin' Up Smiles: Daddy!

(Servin' Up Smiles hugs Old Man Jenkins so tightly that he literally breaks in half.)

Servin' Up Smiles: Oh my god! I killed him!

JCM: (crying) Servin' Up Smiles is my sister?

Servin' Up Smiles: Half-sister!

Aquatic Nuggets: (taps JCM on the shoulder) Excuse me, but could you pick up your dad and get him the fuck out of here?

JCM: Why?

Aquatic Nuggets: Because he was muttering racial slurs in his sleep.

JCM: (sighs) Again?

(JCM heaves his father onto his shoulders and drags himself out of the auditorium.)

JCM: Man, you need to lose weight.

JCM's Dad: (sleep-talking) Communist pig! Let go of me! Let go of me!

JCM: You really need to lay off the wine.

(The End)

[Young Nug]

why is this so funny

[So Sejima]

why is this so funny

i have the same thoughts.

[JCM]

JCMDHD

(JCM is daydreaming in CDCB's math class.)

CDCB: ...and that's the first 30 digits of pi. JCM!

JCM: (jumps) Wha?

CDCB: Pay attention! You're going to be quizzed on this, you know.

JCM: Sorry, Mr. CDCB. I guess I just have trouble focusing sometimes.

CDCB: You do?

(CDCB notices JCM looking around the room and tapping his pencil on his desk.)

CDCB: Inattentive...constantly moving...my god! You're exhibiting the symptoms of ADHD!

JCM: Is that a bad thing?

CDCB: That depends on how serious it is. Go check with the guidance counselor to get a confirmation.

JCM: Okay.

(JCM walks out of the room and goes to SpongeSebastian's office.)

SpongeSebastian: let me guess. you want me to diagnose you with adhd so you can get high off adderall.

JCM: What? How did you know I was coming here about ADHD?

SpongeSebastian: because i've been in this business long enough to know how you kids roll. also, cdcb called be right before you got here.

JCM: Well, I'm not trying to get high off Adderall. I just want to know if I have a problem.

SpongeSebastian: alright. i'll ask you some questions to make sure.

(SpongeSebastian takes out a piece of paper and reads from it.)

SpongeSebastian: do you ever have trouble focusing in class?

JCM: Sure.

SpongeSebastian: have you ever had trouble staying still?

JCM: I guess so.

SpongeSebastian: congratulations. you have adhd.

(SpongeSebastian takes out a party whistle and blows in it.)

SpongeSebastian: (writes on the back of the piece of paper) here's your prescription for adderall. have fun getting high.

JCM: But I'm not...nevermind.

(JCM takes the presciption and leaves SpongeSebastian's office.)

JCM: (reading) SG pharmaceuticals?

(JCM goes to the nurse's office, where SG is shaving her legs.)

SG: Goddamn it! Ever heard of knocking?

JCM: Are you licensed to practice pharmacy?

SG: Depends. Are you a cop?

JCM: No.

SG: Then it doesn't matter. Now let's see what you got there.

(JCM gives SG the prescription, and she reads it carefully.)

SG: I could never read Seb's handwriting. What did he send you here to get?

JCM: Adderall.

SG: Ah, yes. That'll get you fucked up for days.

JCM: Why does everyone assume I'm going to get high? I have a serious medical condition!

SG: (laughs) Yeah, and I'm a real pharmacist.

(SG takes a bottles of pills out of her cabinet and gives it to JCM.)

JCM: Are you sure that these drugs are safe?

SG: No. (waves) Come again later!

(JCM walks out of SG's office.)

JCM: How many of these did she tell me to take? (shrugs) I guess I'll take them all.

(JCM pours the bottle of pills into his mouth and returns to CDCB's math class.)

JCM: What the...everyone's turned into fish!

Fish: (in CDCB's voice) JCM, are you alright?

(JCM hits himself over the head with a mallet, bounces around the room, and laughs in a Daffy Duck-esque manner.)

CDCB: Wow, the ADHD is even worse than usual. (shakes head) You can't save them all.

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Joins the Early Morning Meal Club

(JCM walks into Study Hall and finds ExKizuna, Elastic Dog, and Docta Sex sitting in the front row.)

JCM: Oh, gosh. This is worse than I thought.

Elastic Dog: JCM! You have after-school detention, too?

JCM: (chuckles) No, no, I was just walking by!

(JCM turns around and bumps into jjstheviceprincipal.)

jjstheviceprincipal: JCM! You got here just in time!

JCM: Please don't let me suffer through this...with them.

jjstheviceprincipal: Sorry, sport. There's nothing I can do.

(JCM lowers his head and sits in the back of the room.)

jjstheviceprincipal: So, most of you have been here before, so you know how it goes. Sit quietly, don't move around. I'll be in my office to keep an eye on you. Any funny business, and you'll be seeing me again tomorrow. Got it?

(The students nod their heads.)

jjstheviceprincipal: Good.

(jjstheviceprincipal leaves Study Hall and goes into his office across the hall.)

Elastic Dog: (turns to JCM) So, what are you in here for?

JCM: Didn't jjs say to be quiet?

Elastic Dog: Oh, he's probably in his office listening to music or something. He won't bother us.

JCM: But we misbehaved! Shouldn't we be thinking about what we did?

ExKizuna: Holy shit. Have you not been in here before?

JCM: Uhh...

Docta Sex: Don't worry. We'll get you familiarized with this place.

JCM: (drops his head on the desk) I'm never coming here again.

(ExKizuna makes a paper airplane and throws it around the room.)

JCM: You could poke someone's eye out with that.

ExKizuna: Have you always had that stick up your ass?

JCM: No, it got lodged in their when I was four.

(Everybody stares at him.)

JCM: I mean...no.

Elastic Dog: Well, if it helps you loosen up, I'll tell you how I got here.

(The students circle around Elastic Dog.)

Elastic Dog: So, we were throwing a party for this kid because it was his birthday, and I decided to bring him a cake.

JCM: That sounds nice. Why did you get in trouble for it?

Elastic Dog: Well, the candle was a stick of dynamite, and when the kid blew it out, he ended up losing his face.

(Everybody laughs uproariously.)

jjstheviceprincipal: (from his office) Hey, what's going on in there? Don't make me take my belt off! I swear to God...

(Everybody calms down.)

Elastic Dog: What's your story, Ex?

ExKizuna: Well, this kid was annoying me, so...

JCM: Let me guess. You tied his boxers to the flagpole.

ExKizuna: No, I tied him to the flagpole. It took the paramedics eight minutes to get him down.

JCM: How about you, Docta?

Docta Sex: I raped somebody.

JCM: Forgive me for asking.

Elastic Dog: How about you, JCM? Was what you did equally dangerous/illegal/both?

JCM: (chuckles) Well, if you must know...I was given detention because...I went a minute over my bathroom break. (giggles)

ExKizuna: That's it?

Docta Sex: Yo, I thought you killed somebody, yo!

JCM: Well, I mean, I did betray the trust of my teachers and fellow students.

Elastic Dog: Dude, we betray the trust of our teachers and fellow students for breakfast! That why we call ourselves the Early Morning Meal Club!

ExKizuna: (whispering) Is that really why we call ourselves that?

Elastic Dog: (whispering) How the fuck am I supposed to know?

(jjstheviceprincipal walks back into Study Hall and looks everybody up and down.)

jjstheviceprincipal: Alright, since I haven't had to extinguish any fires yet, I'll let you guys off for good behavior.

JCM: Yes!

(JCM grabs his backpack and runs out the door.)

jjstheviceprincipal: (to the remaining students) Don't let me catch you three here again tomorrow.

Elastic Dog: Don't worry. You will.

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Ignores Climate Change

(JCM walks out of a classroom with a paper in his hands. The paper has a giant red "F" on it. He crumples up the paper and throws it into the nearest trash can. CNF jumps out of the trash can and throws the crumpled paper back at him.)

JCM: Ouch! What was that for?

CNF: You threw a recyclable piece of paper into the trash can!

JCM: So?

CNF: Don't you know the song?

JCM: What song?

(Everything goes dark, and a spotlight shines on CNF, who is now wearing a top hat and tux. He taps his feet a little, and music starts to play.)

CNF1: (singing)
R-E-C-Y-C-L-E Recycle!
C-O-N-S-E-R-V-E Conserve!
Don't you P-O-L-L-U-T-E
Pollute the river sky or sea
Or else you'll get what you deserve!

(The lights turn back on, and CNF rips off his top hat and tux, revealing his original clothes.)

JCM: Well, that was strange.

CNF: But you do understand the importance of recycling now, don't you?

JCM: No.

CNF: Let's bring in Al Gore to discuss it further.

(CNF reaches into a locker and pulls out former vice president Al Gore.)

JCM: How long have you been in there?

Al Gore: Never mind that! I'm about to show you something that'll change your life!

(Al Gore reaches into the locker and pulls out a laptop. He presses a button on the laptop, and a PowerPoint presentation opens.)

Al Gore: You see this? This is the Earth 50 years ago... (presses a button) ...and this is the Earth today. Notice the difference?

JCM: No.

Al Gore: How do you not see a difference? There's all these red spots now!

CNF: I think it would make more sense in song.

Al Gore: Fuck singing! This is serious shit!

CNF: Could you at least summarize?

Al Gore: Fine! When you don't recycle, you contribute to global warming, and that's no good!

JCM: I don't believe in global warming.

Al Gore: WHAT? How the fuck don't you believe in global warming?

JCM: Global warming is a conspiracy created by polar bears to distract us as they plot to take over the world.

Al Gore: What? That's preposterous.

JCM: No, it's the truth.

Al Gore: No, it's not! The truth is inconvenient! The truth has a goddamn PowerPoint presentation to back it up!

CNF: Calm down, bro.

Al Gore: I will not calm down! I won a Nobel Peace Prize! I matter! I created the internet!

(Al Gore starts foaming at the mouth as CNF pushes him back into the locker.)

CNF: Well, that was a bad idea.

JCM: Yeah, I know, right? Who believes in global warming? That's so five years ago.

CNF: Well, I think it's slightly more realistic than a criminal polar bear conspiracy.

JCM: (scoffs) You say that now, but just wait. Once they come out of their Arctic circles, it'll be us or them.

CNF: Can't you just recycle like a decent person? It saves energy. It saves trees.

JCM: No! I will not give the polar bears the upper hand! And you shouldn't, either!

CNF: But the song...

JCM: Forget about the song! I've got a song of my own!

(Everything goes dark, and a spotlight shines on JCM, who is now wearing a top hat and tux. He taps his feet a little, and music starts to play.)

JCM: (singing)
Don't let the libs tell you to recycle
Don't protect their beloved o-zone layer
Don't let them P-O-L-L-U-T-E
Pollute your mind with their deceit
For they work with the polar bears!

(The lights turn back on, and JCM rips off his top hat and tux, revealing his original clothes.)

JCM: What do you think?

CNF: I think you're an asshole.

(The End)

[JCM]

JCM Goes on a Field Trip

(JCM is sitting with Maxwell on the school bus.)

Maxwell: It's finally happening! The grand opening of SpongyLand!

JCM: Yeah, and the class of SBC will be the first to see it!

Maxwell: I know! It's gonna rock!

(JCM and Maxwell take turns fist pumping. Halibut, sitting behind them, rolls his eyes.)

Halibut: You guys are such losers.

JCM: Losers? Take that back!

Maxwell: Yeah, we'll rip you a new asshole, we will!

OMJ: (driving) Hey! Don't make me turn this bus around! Damn kids...

(Dylan is sitting with jjstheviceprincipal in one of the front seats.)

Dylan: This field trip is just what we need to improve school spirit!

jjstheviceprincipal: Yeah, I've got to hand it to you, Dylan. This was a great idea.

(The school bus stops in front of the SpongyLand entrance. Everybody walks through the gates to find SpongeBuddy Middle School's students already on the rides.)

Dylan: WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY DOING HERE?

abney317: (eating ice cream) Dylan, language.

(Dylan knocks the ice cream out of abney's hand.)

abney317: Darn it. I liked that ice cream.

Dylan: I thought you had final exams this week!

abney317: We postponed them as soon as we heard about SpongyLand's opening.

Dylan: B-but this was supposed to be our day!

abney317: You can't own a day. That's logically improbable.

Dylan: Why, you little...

(Dylan lunges at abney, but jjstheviceprincipal keeps him back.)

jjstheviceprincipal: Come on, Dylan. This won't be so bad. Who knows? Maybe a little interaction will help our schools get along better.

(At that moment, ssj4gogita4 strolls onto the scene.)

ssj4gogita4: Hi there, bro, how's it going?

jjstheviceprincipal: (muttering) I told you not to call me that in public.

ssj4gogita4: Aw, are you ashamed that your big brother works for a rival school?

jjstheviceprincipal: Hey, what's that? (points)

(Dylan, ssj, and abney turn their heads, and when they turn them back, jjs is gone.)

Dylan: You bastard! You left me alone with them!

(jjstheviceprincipal is hiding in a fish tank, surrounded by caricatures of SpongeBob and the gang. JCM and Max pass the fish tank on their way to the Great Barrier Reef of Doom.)

JCM: Are you sure we can't go on another kiddie ride?

Max: What? Are you scared?

JCM: Scared? I've lived through a hot war, a cold war, and the Cola Wars! I've nothing to be scared of anymore at my age!

Max: So it's settled, then! We're going on the Great Barrier Reef of Doom!

JCM: Wait, I never said that!

(Max starts running towards the ride, and JCM reluctantly follows him. jjs pokes his head out of the fish tank to get some air, but when he notices cwn and BluePikimin11 coming towards him, he promptly sinks again.)

cwn: Did you see that?

BluePikimin11: See what?

cwn: Nothing.

(cwn and BluePikimin11 stop behind JCM and Max in the line to the Great Barrier Reef of Doom.)

Max: (sweating) Well, we're next.

JCM: (sweating more) Yeah, I know. It's gonna rock.

(JCM is fitted safely into his seat by a carnival worker, then Max is fitted into his. They both take a deep breath as the car rolls higher and higher into the air, and once they reach the roller coaster's summit, they realize that they're 200 meters off the ground.)

Max: JCM?

JCM: Yeah?

Max: This was a stupid fucking idea.

(As the roller coaster slides down the tracks, JCM and Max scream bloody murder. A mounted camera takes a snapshot of them as they reach the end, but when the photo clears, neither of them are in it.)

JCM: (opens eyes) Where am I?

(JCM looks around and spots CNF drinking at a water fountain.)

JCM: Hi, CNF!

(CNF keeps drinking as if he didn't hear anything.)

JCM: CNF! Hello!

(CNF looks both ways, then he turns to JCM.)

CNF: Who? Me? My name's not CNF. It's Joshua.

JCM: Whaaa?

(To Be Continued!)

 

----

 

That's not all, folks! Join us again tomorrow for the JCMovies 50th Episode Spectacular!

[So Sejima]

you'ree in a new universe or dimesion. great idea!

[JCM]

The JCMovies 50th Episode Spectacular!

(JCM is talking to Joshua (CNF) at a water fountain.)

JCM: What do you mean you're not CNF? You look and sound exactly like him!

Joshua: I'm sorry, but I don't know who you're talking about.

JCM: Dang it! Where the heck am I?

Joshua: You're in SpongyLand, the new theme park. I'm visiting here with my family, who, by the way, I need to catch up with. See ya!

(Joshua runs off, and JCM careens into the nearest restroom.)

JCM: (splashes face with water) Okay, JCM, this is just a bad dream, You'll wake up any moment.

(Clappy walks out of a stall.)

JCM: Clappy?

Clappy: My name is Robert.

(JCM fills the sink with water and nearly drowns himself in it.)

Robert: (washing hands) You okay?

JCM: NO! I'M NOT OKAY!

(Robert quickly leaves the restroom.)

JCM: (huffs) I've gotta get out of here.

(JCM wanders through SpongyLand encountering familiar face after familiar face. He's on the verge of going crazy when he bumps into Maxwell.)

Maxwell: JCM? Is that you?

JCM: Yes! No! I don't know who I am anymore! (cries then stops) Wait, how do you know who I am?

Maxwell: Because I got transported here along with you.

JCM: Transported here along with me?

Maxwell: Yes, that's what I said.

JCM: What do you mean by that?

Maxwell: It took me a while to figure it out, but I think we're in an alternate world.

JCM: Alternate world? Is that why nobody here recognizes me?

Maxwell: Yes. You don't exist in this world, and neither do I.

JCM: So how do we get back?

Maxwell: Well, we got here by riding the Great Barrier Reef of Doom...

JCM: Oh, no. Don't tell me that you're suggesting...

Maxwell: It might be the only way.

(JCM and Maxwell board the Great Barrier Reef of Doom again, and once they make it to the end of the ride, the mounted camera flashes, and nothing else happens.)

Maxwell: Well, that was a fluke.

JCM: (raspy) I hate you.

Maxwell: (laughs) Did you lose your voice from all that screaming you did?

JCM: (raspy) That's it!

(JCM punches Maxwell, and Maxwell hits him back. jjstheviceprincipal intervenes.)

jjstheviceprincipal: Whoa, whoa, whoa! There's gotta be a better way to handle whatever problems you two are having with each other!

JCM: (sighs) Thanks, jjs. You always knew how to keep the peace.

jjstheviceprincipal: My name's not jjs. It's Justin.

JCM: (grunts) Right.

(Dylan, ExKizuna, and Elastic Dog enter the scene.)

ExKizuna: Yo, what's up with that?

Elastic Dog: Yeah, the fight was just starting to get good!

JCM: (points to ExKizuna) Ex!

ExKizuna: David.

JCM: (points to Elastic Dog) Elastic!

Elastic Dog: Elias.

JCM: I give up. What do you call yourself here, Dylan?

Dylan: Dylan.

JCM: Dylan! Of course! Are there any other alternates I should know about?

(Alternate JCM enters the scene.)

JCM: Oh my gosh! I'm black!

Alternate JCM: Oh my gosh! I'm white!

Dylan: What the fuck is going on here?

Max: I wish I knew. I really wish I knew.

(Suddenly, a portal opens, and crushingmayhem jumps out of it.)

JCM: crushing! You are crushing, right?

crushingmayhem: Yes, and I'm here to take you back to where you came from.

Max: Wow, you're like a god out of a machine! A deus ex machina, if you will.

crushingmayhem: Thank you for enlightening us with your knowledge of classical Latin. Now are you coming or not?

Max: You bet your sweet ass I am!

(JCM, Max, and crushing go into the portal. When they come out on the other side, they find SpongyLand completely deserted.)

Max: Where is everyone? And what what were we doing in that alternate world?

crushingmayhem: That and more will be explained when we get to the school. Something terrible has happened, and we three are the only ones who can stop it.

JCM: Ooh, an adventure! Will we get to sing songs?

crushingmayhem: N...no.

JCM: (singing) The hiiills are aliiiive with the sound of muuuuusic!

 

(JCM continues singing as they head for the school.)

 

crushingmayhem: This is going to be a long day.

 

(To Be Concluded!)

[JCM]

The JCMovies 51th Episode Spectacular!

(JCM, crushing, and Max walk into the school, which is now devoid of light and littered with textbooks, binders, and writing utensils.)

Max: What happened here?

crushing: ACS happened. He and Patback took over the school while you two were gone.

JCM: What? How?

crushing: He made a deal with the ultimate incarnation of evil.

JCM: Satan?

crushing: No. Satan is chump change compared to who we're dealing with.

(ACS is sitting in the principal's office. The phone rings, and he picks it up.)

ACS: Hello?

Voice: (on the phone) They're here. You know what to do.

ACS: Yeah...I know what to do...totally...

Voice: You have no idea what the fuck is going on, do you?

ACS: Maybe if you just refreshed my memory.

Voice: JCM. crushingmayhem. Maxwell. The only three people who could ruin our plans.

ACS: What about them?

Voice: THEY'RE HERE!

ACS: Ohhhhhhh. So you want me to put a stop to them?

Voice: (sarcastic) No! I want you to just let them run wild!

ACS: Okay.

Voice: Wait!

ACS: (hangs up the phone) That was a close one. I thought for a second there that I'd actually have to do something.

(JCM, crushing, and Max sneak into the auditorium, where Patback is giving a speech to a gathering of SBC's students and staff.)

JCM: Idiot Box! SpongeSebastian! Metal Snake!

crushing: They can't hear you, JCM. They're hypnotized. The only person they can hear right now is Patback.

Patback: ...and we must not quit! We must not give up! We must not cede until our great and mighty ruler is satisfied!

Max: What the hell are they talking about?

crushing: This can't be good.

Max: Is this "great and mighty ruler" the incarnation of evil you were talking about?

crushing: Most likely.

JCM: What do we do?

crushing: We fight this.

(crushing takes out his sword and throws it at Patback. The sword slices off his right ear.)

Patback: Goddamn it! That was my good ear!

crushing: I'm calling you out, PB!

Patback: Well, shit. This just got interesting.

(Patback takes out his cell phone.)

Patback: ACS, I need backup.

Cell phone: Sorry, but the person you're trying to reach is not available at the moment. Would you like to leave a message?

Patback: No, I would not like to leave a message, you fucking whore! Get me ACS!

Cell phone: Rude.

(The cell phone shuts off.)

Patback: ACS! ACS!

(JCM, crushing, and Max climb onto the stage.)

Patback: Get away from me!

crushing: Not until you tell us where your great and mighty ruler is hiding.

Patback: Never!

crushing: You wanna lose your other ear?

(A dark figure runs into the auditorium wearing nothing but a towel.)

Dark figure: Enough!

crushing: It's you!

Dark figure: Note to self: Chop ACS's balls off when this is over.

JCM: Don't I know you from somewhere?

Dark figure: Yeah, I only tried to steal your soul like fifty times.

JCM: (scratches chin) Doesn't ring a bell.

Dark figure: It doesn't matter. You'll be history in a couple of seconds, anyway.

crushing: Not if I have anything to say about it!

(crushing jumps into the air with his sword, and the dark figure pulls out a sword of his own.)

Dark figure: I came prepared this time.

(crushing and the dark figure swing at each other with their swords.)

crushing: Trying to steal JCM's soul... (clang!) banishing him to an alternate world... (clang!) why are you so obsessed with him?

Dark figure: You and I both know how special he is.

JCM: Special? Me?

(crushing and the figure stop fighting for a moment.)

Dark figure: He doesn't know?

crushing: I never told him.

JCM: Never told me what?

crushing: You have a great power inside of you. The power to save the world.

JCM: Wow! So I'm like a ninja!

(JCM does a bunch of ninja moves and accidentally kicks himself in the face.)

Dark figure: Yes, it's true. The power of the guardians, or chiwa, as it is known, was sealed inside of you at an early age, because you were so pure, so innocent...

(JCM touches the tip of his nose with his tongue.)

JCM: 'Ey 'uys! 'ook 'ut I 'an 'oo!

Dark figure: ...so oblivious that you wouldn't even know you had the power within you. You were a threat to my plan, an obstacle that I had to do away with...

(Flashback: The dark figure shakes hands with a construction manager.)

Dark figure: (voiceover) So I had SpongyLand built, for I knew that your principal couldn't resist the temptation of being there opening day.

(Flashback: The dark figure stands in front of SpongyLand with ACS and Patback by his side.)

Dark figure: (voiceover) I found two idiots on a street corner babbling about how they'd take control of your school, and I figured that I could use them to my advantage.

(Flashback: ACS, wearing Groucho glasses, straps JCM and Max to their seats in the Great Barrier Reef of Doom.)

(End flashback)

Max: That was him?

JCM: He really is a master of disguise.

Dark figure: Hahano. You two are just idiots,

crushing: What is your evil plan? Who are you?

Dark figure: Isn't it obvious?

(The dark figure takes off his hood to reveal that he is WhaleBlubber.)

JCM: You! You're the monster-thingy from that Korean restaurant!

WhaleBlubber: Yes! And my evil plan is...to cover the world in poo!

crushing: (pauses) Are you shitting me?

WhaleBlubber: No, but I will be shitting on you and the rest of the world! (laughs maniacally)

crushing: I don't have time for this.

(crushing takes out a hose and sprays WhaleBlubber with water until he's reduced to a puddle.)

Patback: Master!

(crushing slices Patback's remaining ear off with his sword and then leaves.)

JCM: We did it! We stopped WhaleBlubber! We saved the planet from a stinky smelly fate! We...

Max: Forgot that everybody's still hypnotized.

JCM: You're right! There's only one thing we can do about this!

(JCM is lying on a beach with a still-hypnotized Servin' Up Smiles.)

JCM: Ah, isn't it great to get away from it all? (imitating Smiles) Yeah, it's wonderful! And I don't see the incestuous implications of this get-away at all! (normal) Haha. Me neither, Smiles. Me neither.

 

(The End)

[So Sejima]

So is everyone still hypnotized the next episode or not?

[Macseed]

So is everyone still hypnotized the next episode or not?

Probably not, but I think JCM and Smiles had incest D:

[JCM]

So is everyone still hypnotized the next episode or not?

 

They aren't. The hypnosis wears off after a day.

 

Probably not, but I think JCM and Smiles had incest D:

 

Nah, the beach date is as far as it goes.

[ClassicNickelodeon Fan 1]

Ha, incest would be hillarious

[JCM]

Do I have to explain how outright WRONG this post is?

 

Anyways, this episode was terrible. After my first appearance, you'd at least think JCM would give me half a brain-cell in the next one. Oh well, though. This PatBack bashing has already turned into an SBC gag in Literature.

 

Lol, PatBack. You're way less of an idiot than I am. You should be honored.

[Metal Snake]

Lol, PatBack. You're way less of an idiot than I am. You should be honored.

 

I gave you a like because I dig the way you handled that comment. And btw, that new episode was good. PB, please learn how to take a joke. 

[Jjs Goodman]

I gave you a like because I dig the way you handled that comment. And btw, that new episode was good. PB, please learn how to take a joke. 

 

I thought it was funny, since RRR ridiculed members 10x worse, yet nobody ever complained about that.

[ClassicNickelodeon Fan 1]

I've deleted PatBack's post since it is basically bound to start something, and I don't want that in a spin-off.