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JCM

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It's the JCMovies lost episode!...kinda

JCM Goes to a Picnic While Hasfarr Unleashes His Secret Weapon

(The SpongeBob Community football team is having a picnic outside of the school. Dragiiin123 offers JCM a hamburger.)

JCM: No thanks. I can't digest pig semen.

Dragiiin: There's no pig semen in this.

JCM: Are you sure of that?

Dragiiin: It's fucking beef!

OMJ: (cuts in) Thanks for throwing us this Thanksgiving picnic, Drag.

Dragiiin: It's the least I could do after you guys raped and murdered SBM in that football game last month.

JCM: I like the hyperbole. Wait, are the staff cool with you setting this all up on their property?

Dragiiin: I don't give a shit. I'm the fucking boss when it comes to my team! Respect!

Voice: Dragiiin! What a coincidence!

Dragiiin: (turns around and gasps) Hasfarr! SpongeBuddy Middle School's coach! What are you and those losers doing here?

Hasfarr: Was telling me who I am really necessary? Anyway, I was planning to put together a gluttonous gathering, too. It helps with team morale.

JCM: I love how you compared a Thanksgiving picnic to one of the seven deadly sins.

Dragiiin: Fuck off, JCM! He's mine.

Hasfarr: Say, have you guys met our team's newest member? I ordered him just yesterday, and he should drop in right about...

(A giant meteor falls out of the sky and a pirate jumps out.)

spacepirate: ARGH! I'M THE SPACE PIRATE, AND I'M A BAD MUTHAFUCKA!

Dragiiin: Oh, are you? OMJ, take care of this fool.

OMJ: Yes, sir! (rips off uniform to reveal a muscular body underneath) I am a goddamn hero!

Dragiiin: Yeah, yeah. Stop showing off.

(Before OMJ can jump, spacepirate shoots a cannonball through him.)

OMJ: The world has just lost (coughs) a goddamn hero. (falls)

Dragiiin: My god! That's a bad motherfucker!

spacepirate: BITCHES KNOW!

Hasfarr: Come on, spcaepirate. We have free food to eat.

spacepirate: YAR HAR FIDDLE DEE DEE! (follows Hasfarr)

Dragiiin: Don't worry, guys. That was bad, but it can't get worse.

Voice: Dragiiin! What the fuck?

Dragiiin: (turns around) jjs! Wonderful.

(At SBM's picnic, hasfarr puts a hot dog on PhilipB's plate.)

Philip: Whoa, that professor's really giving SBC's coach a hard time.

hasfarr: (sips a glass of wine) Yep. Things are really looking good for us, Phil.

Philip: Aren't you a recovering alcoholic?

hasfarr: (empties glass) Yeah, why?

Voice: hasfarr! What the fuck?

hasfarr: ssj! Wonderful.

(At SBM's picnic, jjstheenglishprofessor gets OMJ into a body bag and walks off.)

Dragiiin: Looks like we're gonna have to shut it down, folks.

JCM: I'm sorry jjs fired you.

Dragiiin: No you aren't, you perky little bastard.

JCM: (crying) I am not little! I grew a whole inch in the last twenty years!

(AS jjs attempts to get the body bag into his van, he catches a glimpse of ssj4gogita4 yelling at hasfarr.)

jjs: Zoo wee mama!

(hasfarr tries to refill his glass, but ssj grabs it from him and gets ready to break it over hasfarr's head when jjs runs up and stops him.)

jjs: You've lived across the street this entire time?

ssj: (turns around and gasps) Oh, the dramatic irony!

hasfarr: Can I go now?

spacepirate: ARGH! THERE BE NOT ENOUGH SALT ON THESE DEVILED EGGS!

jjs: Hey, you're the creep that pierced OMJ! I hope you're willing to be held accountable for your actions!

spacepirate: WHAT DID YE SAY?

jjs: Don't yell at me. I'm too important to be yelled at.

spacepirate: TELL ME WHAT TO SAY? (takes out sword) PREPARE TO DIE! (swings)

(Dragiiin, JCM, and the others run to the picnic and attempt to stop spcaepirate as he chases jjs around the school. jjs trips, and spacepirate pins him to the ground, but before he can finish the job, a bullet flies through his chest.)

ssj: (holding gun) Leave my brother alone!

Dragiiin and Hasfarr: Brother? Holy shit!

JCM: Who brings a gun to a picnic?

(The End)

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JCM Ruins a Beloved American Genre (Part 1)

(JCM is writing an essay in Clappy's history class. The bell rings and the rest of the student dash out.)

Clappy: How far along are you, JCM?

(JCM looks down at his paper, which has nothing but the word "The" on it.)

JCM: I'm...along!

Clappy: (sighs) This is gonna take forever.

(Clappy takes a GPS-like device out from under his desk and starts pushing buttons on it.)

JCM: Ooh, what's that?

Clappy: My time machine.

JCM: You have a time machine?

Clappy: All history teachers have a time machine, you dolt. Where do you think we get our history from? Textbooks?

JCM: It all makes sense now. Can I look at it?

Clappy: No. I can't risk you going into the past. History's fucked-up enough as it is.

JCM: You think so little of me!

Clappy: You spent an hour and a half writing an essay that only has one word on it.

JCM: Good point. But I still want to see the time machine!

(JCM jumps onto Clappy's desk and attempts to pry the machine from Clappy's fingers.)

Clappy: Let go, you prick!

(Clappy and JCM continue to struggle with the time machine until it makes a beeping sound and they disappear in a bright flash. They re-appear in a desert landscape, surrounded by cabin-like structures.)

JCM: Where are we?

Clappy: According to the time machine, we're in the Old West. How fuckin' predictable.

JCM: Wow, I've heard stories about this place! Are we going to ride around on horses and meet Clint Eastwood in a cowboy hat?

Clappy: Hell no! We're getting out of here before something bad happens to us!

JCM: Oh look, a hair salon! I'm gonna get an old-fashioned hairstyle!

(JCM runs into the nearest building.)

Clappy: Damn it, JCM! That says "saloon", not "salon"! Wait a minute. You don't even have hair!

(Clappy walks into the saloon to find JCM talking to a person identical to ExKizuna.)

JCM: Hey, Clappy! Did you know that Ex frequented this place as a bartender?

Clappy: That's not Ex, JCM. The time machine makes it so that the people we interact with resemble those we know in the present.

JCM: I don't understand half of the things you just said. Say, who's playing that wonderful composition?

(A person identical to Old Man Jenkins raises his hand from behind a piano.)

Clappy: Alright, enough Wild West cliches. We need to get home before

(Suddenly, the saloon's double doors open, and a person identical to jjs walks in.)

Saloon patrons: Oh, no! It's Jjs the Kid!

Jjs the Kid: Alright, all's ya! Gimme all ya got!

(Jjs walks around the saloon with a potato sack, and the patrons spill whatever they have in their pockets into the sack.)

JCM: Ooh, is this a game?

Clappy: No, we're being robbed.

Jjs the Kid: Alright, y'all two. Cough it up!

JCM: And if we don't?

Jjs the Kid: First, I'll rape ya. Then, I'll keel ya. Then, I'll rape yer corpse!

JCM: Sounds good enough to me! Here!

(JCM puts a handful of pennies into the potato sack.)

Jjs the Kid: (takes out a penny) What the fuck is this?

JCM: It's a penny, my good man.

Jjs the Kid: But who's this guy on it?

JCM: Abraham Lincoln! He was a president, silly!

Jjs the Kid: (angry) Are you shittin' me?

Clappy: (whispering) It's 1853. Lincoln wasn't president yet.

JCM: Oh.

Jjs the Kid: Looks like we've got ourselves an uppity little asshole up in here! (pulls out a gun) Any last words?

JCM: Yes. See you later! (runs out the saloon)

Jjs the Kid: That's right! Skedaddle! And don't ever let me catch your sorry face around here again! (looks at Clappy) What about you?

Clappy: Goodbye! (runs out)

Jjs the Kid: Yer both yeller! Yer both yeller! Whoo! Try sayin' that five times fast!

(To Be Continued)

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JCM Ruins a Beloved American Genre (Part 2)

(JCM and Clappy are out of breath by the time they stop running.)

JCM: Man, it feels like we've been running for an entire week!

Clappy: Yeah, but at least we got away from that familiar-looking outlaw.

Jjs the Kid: (pops up from behind) Howdy.

(JCM and Clappy scream.)

Clappy: Goddamn it! Were we just running in a circle?

JCM: At least we got some good exercise out of it!

Jjs the Kid: Alright, so here's how this here's gonna work. Me and the fat kid will face off at high noon.

JCM: Who's the fat kid?

(Clappy, a 100-pound history teacher, looks down at JCM, a 250-pound slacker.)

JCM: (sighs) When does high noon start?

Jjs the Kid: In about ten seconds.

(About ten seconds later...)

Jjs the Kid: Alright, get out yer gun!

JCM: Oops! I don't have a gun! Looks like the Hollywood showdown can't happen!

Clappy: (takes out a shotgun) Here, you can borrow mine.

JCM: Thanks, Clappy! You're always a help! Alright, piano guy! Do your thing!

(The person identical to OMJ plays The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly theme on his harmonica. Jjs the Kid spits out a piece of chewing tobacco, keeping his eyes on JCM. They both clutch for their weapons and jump back, their guns pointed at each other.)

Jjs the Kid: Any last words?

JCM: Well, Clappy, it's been great having you as a teacher.

Clappy: Well, JCM, it's been...interesting having you as a student.

JCM: That's good enough for me!

OMJ: (stops playing harmonica) Injuns!

(The villagers start to panic and run.)

Jjs the Kid: Injuns? Holy shit! I'm outta here!

(Jjs drops his gun and follows the villagers.)

JCM: Yeah! You better run! Wait, what's an injun?

Clappy: It's what stupid people call Native Americans! We've gotta get out of here fast!

(JCM, Clappy, and the person identical to OMJ start running as a crowd of Native Americans get closer.)

OMJ: Man, why are those Injuns always so pissed at us? All we did was slaughter their people and take away their land!

(Suddenly, an arrow flies through the person identical to OMJ's chest, and he falls to the ground dead. JCM and Clappy attempt to speed up.)

JCM: It's no use! They're gaining on us! I told you it was a bad idea to come to this time period!

Clappy: You told me? Why, I oughta...wait a minute! That's it! The time machine!

(Clappy takes out his time machine, but an arrow flies through his hand, causing him to drop it.)

Clappy: (grabs hand) Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I haven't been in this much pain since they cancelled Boy Meets World!

(The Native Americans surround Clappy and JCM, and they raise their hands in dejection.)

Native American 1: Should we sacrifice them to the gods?

Native American 2: No, that's stereotypical. Let's just tie them up and force them to work on our reservation as prostitutes. That'll make us the greens, if you know what I means.

Native American 1: No, I don't know what you means.

(Suddenly, a silhouette of a cowboy on a horse appears in the distance.)

JCM: Could it be? No...it's Clint Eastwood!

(Clint Eastwood rides up to the Native Americas triumphantly.)

Clint Eastwood: Let go of them patriots, you damn hippies!

(The Native Americans shrug and give Eastwood their captives.)

JCM: It looks like you were right after all, Clappy! Coming here was the best idea ever!

Clappy: But it wasn't my-you know what? Fuck it.

(Clappy picks up the time machine and presses a few buttons, sending him, JCM, and Eastwood to the present. Clappy locks away the time machine and wraps up his wounded hand. Meanwhile, JCM admires Clint Eastwood, who's talking to one of the empty chairs in the back of the classroom.)

Clint Eastwood: (to the chair) You want me to do what to myself? But I couldn't possibly fit a lasso that far up my ass-o.

JCM: You know, he's a lot more senile than I remembered.

(The End)

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JCM Is All That 2: JCManiacs

(jjstheviceprincipal walks into Dylan's office.)

jjstheviceprincipal: Excuse me, sir, but we have some new students.

Dylan: Bring them in.

(Yakko, Wakko, and Dot jump out of Dylan's desk drawer and give him a large smooch.)

Dylan: (sputters) What the...how did you get here?

Wakko: Well, you see...when a mommy Warner and a daddy Warner love each other very much...

Yakko: (blows a kiss to the camera) Goodnight, everybody!

(Yakko, Wakko, and Dot jump around Dylan's office, and he picks up the phone.)

Dylan: SpongeSebastian, could you come over here?

(SpongeSebastian walks into the office a few minutes later and finds Dylan in makeup and a dress.)

SpongeSebastian: trying out a new fashion, sir?

Dylan: Ha ha, you're a fucking comedian. (pulls the Warners out of his slacks) Could you analyze these kids for me?

SpongeSebastian: sure. who are they?

Yakko and Wakko: We're the Warner brothers!

Dot: (curtsies) And the Warner sister, Dot. (points to the effeminized Dylan) Like my work?

SpongeSebastian: oh, i know those three. my uncle scratchnsniff talks to me about them all the time.

Dylan: So you'll look at them?

SpongeSebastian: fuck no. i'm getting the hell out of here. (leaves)

Wakko: Say, do you have anything to eat?

Dylan: You can eat my nuts.

Wakko: Ooh, do you have pistacio?

(Dylan kicks Yakko, Wakko, and Dot out of his office, and they shrug and begin to wreak havoc on the school.)

Dylan: (sighs and picks up phone) JCM, could you come in here?

JCM: (runs into the office) At your service, Mr. Dylan!

Dylan: I need you to stop our new students from the destroying the school. Think you can do that?

JCM: You betcha! I'll have them under control faster than you can say supercalifragilisticexpialidocious! (runs out)

Dylan: What have I done?

(Meanwhile, a pair of genetically altered mice strut into the school.)

Brain: (reads map) This is it, Pinky. This is the location of the intergalactic matter vortex that'll allow us to take over the world!

Pinky: Narf! You use your tongue prettier than a twenty dollar whore, Brain.

Brain: Thank you. Now let's commence!

(JCM notices the Warner siblings jumping around hilaryfan80's art class, and he runs into the class with a butterfly net.)

JCM: Ah-ha!

Yakko: Ah-ha to you, too.

(Yakko uses a paintbrush to draw an anvil over JCM's head.)

JCM: Oh, please! You think a drawing will

(The anvil falls and crushes JCM. The Warners jump over him and bounce into the hallway.)

JCM: Those wascally warners!

(JCM pulls himself out from under the anvil and follows the Warners into the office of SG, the new school nurse.)

Yakko and Wakko: (jumps into SG's arms) Hellooooo, nurse!

Dot: (rolls eyes) Boys.

JCM: Now I have you!

(JCM swings his butterly net around, but to no avail. He chases the Warners out of SG's office and through the hallway. Suddenly, Slappy the Squirrel appears in front of them and holds out her hand, stopping them dead in their tracks.)

JCM: Hey, it's Sandy Cheeks!

Slappy: I'm not Sandy, you idiot! I'm the crankiest creature in the whole wide world!

Yakko, Wakko, and Dot: (singing) This was a cameo by Slappy the Squirrel!

(Slappy grabs the Warners by their necks and stuffs them into her purse.)

Slappy: The Hub won't give me my syndication royalties until I bring these guys back to do their bumpers. Go figure.

JCM: Makes as much sense as anything around here.

Slappy: Well, see ya. I'm taking the short way home.

(Slappy jumps into an intergalactic matter vortex above her, and Pinky and the Brain run up to it just as it closes.)

Brain: No! The vortex won't open again for the next 1000 years!

Pinky: What'll we do until then, Brain?

Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky. Try to take over the world!

Singers: They're dinky. They're Pinky and the Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain!

Pinky: (shudders) What's that? Brain, the ceiling is singing to me! Narf!

(The End)

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JCM Gets Into Politics

(Unlimitedcha is reading the school's morning announcements from the media center.)

Unlimitedcha: This is just a reminder that flushing other students down the toilet is still against the rules. Also, anyone interested in being student council president can sign up at the media center.

(JCM runs into the media center with a pen in his hand.)

JCM: (breathing heavily) Where do I sign?

Unlimitedcha: What the fuck are you doing here? Oops. (turns off PA microphone) What the fuck are you doing here?

JCM: I'm here to sign up for the student council pres spot, of course! If I win this, I'll finally be able to make a name for myself!

Unlimitedcha: That's great, but I still have announcements to do. Besides, shouldn't you be in class?

JCM: Wumbology OD'd from drugs again.

Unlimitedcha:(turns on microphone) This is just a reminder that drugs are bad, kids.

(Unlimitedcha turns off the microphone again and hands JCM a clipboard.)

Unlimitedcha: Sign here and go away.

JCM: Yes sir, I mean ma'am, I mean miss, I mean poobah!

(JCM signs the clipboard and leaves of the media center. On his way back to class, he bumps into teenj12.)

JCM: Oh, hi, teenj! What are you doing out at this hour?

teenj12: I could say the same to you.

JCM: Oh, I was just signing up to be our next student council president!

teenj12: Student council president? Hey, that's something I haven't done before! Where do I sign up?

JCM: (scoffs) Don't bother! You'll be going up against me, and I'm the fiercest campaigner in all of fiercest campaignersville!

teenj12: Say, weren't my friends and I just flushing you down a toilet?

JCM: (takes a roll of toilet paper out of his ear) N...no.

teenj12: Well, see you at your concession speech.

JCM: In your dreams, teenj!

(The next morning, JCM waits anxiously in Wumbology's class for the newest announcements.)

Unlimitedcha: (over PA speakers) Here are the results of our pre-election poll: teenj is leading with 80%, SOF is in second with 19%, and JCM is in last with 1%.

JCM: (stands up) WHAT?

Wumbology: SIT YO ASS DOWN!

(JCM shrinks in his chair.)

Wumbology: I apologize if I seem a bit uppity today. Drugs are apparently "bad" now, so I have to stop taking them.

JCM: (squeaky voice) It's alright.

(JCM is eating with CNF1 in the cafeteria, but he stops abruptly.)

JCM: This is an outrage! Why do so few people agree with my message of tyrannical control and moral restriction?

CNF1: Well, what do you expect? It's a popularity contest, and teenj is more popular than you.

JCM: Then I'll become more popular! And the candidates' speeches this afternoon will be the perfect chance for me to do so!

(That afternoon, JCM, teenj, and SOF walk into the media center to do their speeches.)

Unlimitedcha: And the candidates are here! I'll let teenj go first.

teenj12: Thank you, Unlimited. Thank you everybody. I want to be your student council president because I really think I can make a difference. Things are going bad, and I can make them better. Also, JCM eats babies.

JCM: Hey! I haven't eaten a baby in almost twelve years!

teenj12: That'll be all.

Unlimitedcha: Thank you, teenj. JCM, you're up next.

JCM: My fellow students, ask not what your president can do for you, but what you can do for your president. I think I'd be a good president because I like having stuff done for me. I might not be a football star, and I might not have kissed a girl for the 115 years I've been alive, but does any of that matter, really? Just ask yourself. Ask yourself and vote. Preferably for me.

Unlimitedcha: Are you done?

(JCM nods.)

Unlimitedcha: And our final candidate, SOF.

SOF: Vote for me and you'll get candy.

teenj12: Goddamn it! Why didn't I think of that?

JCM: Genius, just genius!

Unlimitedcha: Alright, everyone! Now's the time to start voting! I'll announce the winners tomorrow morning.

(The next morning, JCM sits in Wumbology's class with his fingers crossed.)

Unlimitedcha: (over PA speakers) You've sent in the ballots, and you've made your choice! Our next student council president is...SOF!

JCM: NOOOOOh well. (falls asleep)

(Webzoid345 runs into the classroom.)

Webzoid345: Hey guys, SOF's candy has drugs in them!

Wumbology: GET OUT OF MY WAY! (runs out of the classroom)

(The End)

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JCM's Egg-cellent Adventure

(Jelly walks into her health class and puts a carton of eggs on her desk.)

Jelly: Hello, class! I'm former nurse/cafeteria lady/nurse again Ms. Jelly!

Class: Hi, Ms. Jelly.

Jelly: Today, you are all going to experience the only job harder than teaching: parenting.

(Jelly laughs uproariously. When she finishes, she hears crickets chirp.)

Jelly: (clears throat) You will all get in groups of two. Each group will take an egg from this container, and both of you will raise it as you would your own child. You will be graded by the condition of the egg tomorrow morning. Any questions?

JCM: (raises hand) Yes. How exactly are we supposed to raise an organic vessel in which an embryo first begins to develop?

Jelly: (whispering) Smartass. (out loud) Didn't you listen to the guidelines I gave you in Sex Ed?

(Flashback: Jelly walks into the same classroom a week earlier.)

Jelly: Today, we're going to begin Sex Ed.

JCM: Goodbye, everyone! (jumps out the window)

(End flashback.)

Jelly: Oh, right. Well, your partner will help you out if you have any problems. If there's no further questions...

(JCM raises his hand again.)

Jelly: What?

JCM: Where do eggs come from?

Jelly: Duck vaginas. If there's no further questions, you can all pick out your partners and eggs now.

(The students get in groups of two and grab eggs from Jelly's carton. JCM looks around and finds that all his classmates are taken.)

Jelly: Oh, dear. It seems that we have an odd number of students. Looks like you'll have to be a single father, JCM.

JCM: But

Jelly: Here's your egg.

(Jelly tosses JCM an egg from her carton, and he catches it with his tongue.)

JCM: (mumbling) Jelly, I don't think that this is a good idea.

Jelly: What was that?

(JCM spits the egg into his hand.)

JCM: I don't think that this is a good idea.

Jelly: Come on! What's the worst that could happen? Besides you breaking the egg and failing the class, of course.

(JCM looks down at his egg and groans. When class is over, he tucks the egg safely into his shirt pocket and prances out the room.)

JCM: Jelly was right! What do I have to worry about? Looking over an egg can't be that hard!

(Suddenly, JCM slips on a banana peel, and as he falls to the ground, the egg rolls out of his shirt pocket.)

JCM: Oh no! Wait, where did that banana peel come from?

(JCM notices a monkey swinging on the chandelier above him and eating bananas.)

JCM: Oh my gosh! We have a chandelier?

(The monkey drops a banana peel on JCM's face.)

JCM: What was I doing? Oh, right! The egg!

(JCM shakes off the banana peel and runs after the escaped egg. Once he catches it, he puts it back into his shirt pocket and sighs.)

JCM: Phew! That was a close one!

(As JCM prepares to go to his next class, jjstheviceprincipal appears.)

jjs: Say, JCM, have you see a rogue monkey anywhere?

JCM: Yeah, he's up there. (points to the chandelier)

jjs: Thanks!

(jjs pats JCM on the back, causing the egg to fall out of his shirt pocket again.)

JCM: No!

(As JCM chases the egg, jjs shoots the monkey with a tranquilizer gun, causing the primate to plummet to the ground.)

jjs: Victory!

(The unconscious monkey rolls over, revealing a smashed egg.)

JCM: (crying) My baby! Look at what you did to my baby, jjs!

jjs: Oh, shit. Is Jelly doing that egg thing today? Soz about that. Here's a spare.

(jjs takes another egg out of his pocket and tosses it to JCM. JCM tightens his grip on the egg and stares at it, unmoving, for the next 24 hours. He continues staring at the egg when he walks into Jelly's class and takes his seat.)

Jelly: Well, your egg's in good condition. Congratulations! You pass!

JCM: (sighs in relief) Thank goodness that's over.

(Suddenly, the egg cracks, and a live action bird pops out.)

Bird: Hey, what'd I miss?

(The End)

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JCM Has 24 Hours To Live

(JCM walks out of the restroom in the nurse's office.)

JCM: Whoo! You do NOT want to go in there!

SG: Alright, enough potty humor. The test results came back, and I have good news and bad news.

JCM: What's the good news?

SG: teenj12 finally proposed! (shows off her ring)

JCM: Congratulations! Does that mean we'll be calling you SG12 from now on?

SG12: Sure, why not.

JCM: Wait, what's the bad news?

SG12: Oh, right. The bad news is you'll die in 24 hours. See ya!

(SG12 puts on a gas mask and jumps into the restroom.)

JCM: Oh no! I'm dying? But there are so many things in life that I haven't gotten to do!

(JCM imagines himself at an office desk.)

JCM: (on the phone) Hold on, I'll transfer your call.

(Suddenly, a talking piece of salami crawls out of the phone and starts beating JCM up.)

Salami: I HATE BOLOGNA!

(JCM flashes back to reality.)

JCM: That is not how I expected that fantasy to turn out.

(JCM walks out of the nurse's office and encounters CNF1.)

CNF1: Hey, JCM. I could hear your Rocko's Modern Life reference from the other side of the school. What's wrong?

JCM: I just found out that I'm going to die in 24 hours.

CNF1: Wow, that sucks. Have you figured out what you're going to do?

JCM: I'm not sure yet. This is all just happening so fast.

CNF1: Well, there's gotta be something you've always wanted to do before you kick the bucket.

JCM: (scratches chin) Hmm...

(JCM and CNF1 peek at ExKizuna from behind a corner.)

JCM: I've always wanted to get revenge on ExKizuna for that time he pantsed me, but I didn't have the courage to actually try until now!

(As ExKizuna walks down the hall, JCM sticks out his leg and trips him.)

ExKizuna: What the fuck?

(JCM takes out a fishing rod and uses it to pull the fallen ExKizuna's pants down.)

ExKizuna: (screams) My trousers! I've been trousered!

(JCM and CNF1 giggle and run away.)

ExKizuna: I'll get you for this, JCM!

(JCM and CNF hide in the teacher's lounge and laugh.)

CNF1: What now?

JCM: Well, I've always wanted to play around in the staff lounge.

CNF1: Really?

JCM: No, but we're in here, so why not?

(JCM and CNF1 drink all the coffee in the lounge's coffee dispenser, Xerox their faces several hundred times, and dance in a pile of shredded paper.)

Steel Sponge: (walks in) What the fuck are you two doing in here?

JCM: Ohnowe'rebustedwhatarewegoingtodoIshouldn'thavehadsomuchcoffee.

(JCM and CNF1 disappear before Steel Sponge's eyes, and five seconds later, they're on the roof of the school.)

JCM: (catches his breath) Man, I haven't had this much fun in years.

CNF1: Yeah. (sighs) Will this really be your last day, JCM?

(JCM silently nods as the sun sets in front of them. The next day, JCM walks into the school with a bucket list in his hand. Every single item is crossed out except "Tell Smiles how I really feel about her". As he prepares to tread into the cafeteria, SG12 stops him.)

SG12: JCM, I have great news!

JCM: What? You and teenj decided on your wedding arangements?

SG12: No, silly! It turns out that you're not going to die after all!

JCM: What?

SG12: Yeah! It turns out that I got your test results mixed up with OMJ's!

(OMJ, who was mopping behind them, drops his mop in surprise.)

OMJ: Wait, so I'm gonna die? How much time do I have left?

SG12: About...three seconds.

(Three seconds later, OMJ dies.)

JCM: All's well that ends well! Well, except for him.

(The End)

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JCM Celebrates a Manufactured Holiday

(JCM walks into the school to find that it is decorated with hearts and flowers.)

JCM: Oh no! It's Valentine's Day! And I don't have a valentine! What am I going to do?

(JCM notices Idiot Box standing nearby.)

Idiot Box: Who are you talking to?

JCM: W-who are you talking to?

Idiot Box: What?

JCM: Potato salad!

(JCM runs into the cafeteria, where Servin' Up Smiles is baking heart-shaped cookies.)

JCM: (thinking) Oh, if only I could muster the courage the ask Smiles...

(JCM takes a few steps toward Servin' Up Smiles and quickly turns away.)

Servin' Up Smiles: JCM! I almost didn't see you! Would you like to try one of my Valentine's Day cookies?

JCM: Oh, I'd love to..but I have...uh...band practice!

Servin' Up Smiles: But we don't have a ba-

(JCM darts out of the cafeteria, and Servin' Up Smiles pokes at one of the cookies and shrugs. JCM, now in the restroom, is crying his eyes out.)

Voice: (from behind a stall) Man, this toilet water is blue as fuck!

JCM: Huh?

(A baby with a five o'clock shadow and a quiver of arrows perched on his back opens one of the stall doors.)

JCM: Cupid!

Cupid: What? How can you see me? (looks at his wristband) Ass! I forgot to turn on stealth mode again!

JCM: I can't believe it! Do you really have the power to make people fall in love?

Cupid: (rolls eyes) No. I just carry around these arrows because they're fashionable.

JCM: Ooh, can I try them on?

Cupid: Of course you can't! These arrows are very dangerous! Chuck 'em wrong, and we'll have people screwing cows left and right!

JCM: Please? Can I have just one arrow? I'll use it responsibly! I promise!

Cupid: No! How many times do I have to get it through your thick fucking sku-

(Suddenly, Cupid's diaper gets heavier, and he looks at it in shock.)

Cupid: Goddamn it! You made me shit myself! I hope you're happy!

JCM: I'm sorry! I didn't mean to

Cupid: Save it! I'm going to go change my diaper. Don't do anything stupid while I'm gone!

JCM: You have my word!

(Cupid goes back into his stall, but while he slides in, an arrow falls out of his quiver. JCM looks down at the arrow and bites his fingernails.)

JCM: I'm sure he wouldn't mind if I borrowed one arrow.

(Idiot Box appears next to JCM, washing his hands.)

Idiot Box: Seriously. Who are you talking to?

JCM: YOUR MOTHER!

(JCM grabs the arrow and runs out the bathroom. Right as he leaves, Cupid walks out of the stall with a new diaper on.)

Cupid: (nods to Idiot Box) How's it goin'?

(JCM sneaks into the cafeteria and aims his stolen arrow at Servin' Up Smiles, who is tying a pink ribbon to each of her Valentine's Day cookies. Just as he's about to throw the arrow, Servin' Up Smiles looks up from the cookies and waves at him,)

Servin' Up Smiles: You're back!

(JCM quickly hides the arrow in his shirt.)

JCM: (chuckles nervously) Yeah, I am!

Servin' Up Smiles: So, did you change your mind about my cookies?

JCM: (sighs) No, I...I'm really just not hungry today. Talk to you later.

Servin' Up Smiles: (confused) Oh, okay.

(JCM walks out of the cafeteria with his head down, but he raises it just in time to see Cupid pointing a gun at him.)

Cupid: So, you thought you could pull a fast one over ol' Cupid, eh?

JCM: I'll give you the arrow back. (pulls the arrow out of his shirt) See? (drops the arrow to the ground)

Cupid: Sorry, but it's not that simple. You've seen too much. Yada, yada, yada, cliche, cliche, cliche. Basically, you're gonna die.

(Cupid prepares to fire, but JCM throws his arrow into the god's chest. Cupid closes and opens his eyes, and he falls in love with the gun that he's holding. Cupid starts making out with the weapon passionately, and he accidentally pulls the trigger, shooting off part of his head.)

Cupid: Thank Jupiter I'm immortal. (falls to the ground)

JCM: Love is overrated, anyway. (walks off, whistling)

(The End)

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JCM Meets Someone From His Past

(ACS, wearing a fake mustache and beard, walks into the school.)

ACS: Finally, the moment I've been waiting for! The moment I take revenge on SBC!

(JCM taps ACS's shoulder.)

JCM: Hi there! Are you new?

ACS: Uhh... (changes accent) Yes! My name is Akaba Booshoo, and I'm a foreign exchange student from Yugoslavia! I came to this country a few weeks ago, so if I remind you of anyone else at all, it's just a coincidence.

JCM: Wow, your English is almost perfect for someone who just got here a couple weeks ago!

ACS: Uh...yes. I've been practicing. Say, you wouldn't know where Principal Clapmaster is, would you?

JCM: Clappy hasn't been principal for a while now. Are you sure that you're new?

ACS: Of course I'm sure! If Clappy isn't principal, who is?

JCM: Dylan.

ACS: (smiles) Dylan...good.

JCM: You know him?

ACS: No. I am a foreign exchange student, and I know nobody.

JCM: But you were just talking about Clappy a minute a...

ACS: Bye bye! (runs off)

(ACS goes into the principal's office and finds Dylan talking to Clappy.)

ACS: (thinking) A two-for-one special. Perfect.

Clappy: What the fuck do you think you're doing here, ACS?

Dylan: Shit's about to go down.

ACS: My name is not ACS. I am Akaba Booshoo, a foreign exchange student from Yugoslavia.

Clappy: Yugoslavia hasn't existed for 20 years, you fucking idiot!

ACS: I do not understand why you insult me!

Dylan: Cut the crap, ACS. We all know it's just you under that disguise.

ACS: I do not know who this ACS person is! I am just a regular Yugoslavian, trying to make a life for myself in America, or Canada, or wherever the hell this school is located!

(ACS leaves the office, crying.)

Clappy: What a sad, strange little man.

(ACS is shuffling down the hallway when he bumps into PatBack, who has a similar expression of defeat on his face.)

ACS: What's wrong with you?

PatBack: I'm being victimized by this oppressive school.

ACS: You too? This was a meeting of fate! What's your name?

PatBack: PatBack.

ACS: PatBack, you and I are about to topple this school's corrupt administration and instill a new world order!

PatBack: We are?

ACS: You bet we are!

PatBack: But how are we going to do it?

ACS: (pauses) I thought you had something.

PatBack: I'm just learning of this right now! Did you really expect me to come up with an elaborate plot in the space of a few seconds?

ACS: Well...yeah.

JCM: (pops out of nowhere) Hi, PatBack! Hi, Akaba!

ACS: (rips off beard and mustache) It's me, you fool! ACS!

JCM: (gasps) ACS! How did you pull out all that facial hair so easily?

ACS: Wait a minute, PatBack! I just thought of something! Come on!

(ACS and PatBack hurry away.)

JCM: Wait, guys! What's going on?

PatBack: (while walking) We're conspiring to overthrow the school!

JCM: (laughs) Okay, have fun!

(Dylan is playing a game on his cell phone when ACS and PatBack walk into his office.)

Dylan: Well, if it isn't the dickhead duo!

ACS: Yeah, yeah, yeah. We suck. (takes out a pocket watch) Just look into this as I swing it back and forth, and we'll go away.

Dylan: No. Why would I do that?

PatBack: Because it'll allow us to hypnotize you and force you to turn power over the school over to us!

ACS: PatBack! (throws the pocket watch to the floor) Goddamn it!

Dylan: Alright, I've had enough of your shenanigans. Both of you, leave the school and never come back. If I see you two again, I'll have you arrested for trespassing.

ACS: You win this round, Dylan, but we'll be back!

(Dylan escorts ACS and PatBack out of his office.)

ACS: We'll be back!

Dylan: (shakes head) What sad, strange little men.

(The End)

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JCM Sells Chocolates

(SBC's football team is playing around in the locker room when Coach Dragiiin123 walks in.)

Dragiiin123: Well, boys, it seems that our budget has dried up, so we'll have to start taking drastic measures to ensure that we can afford to continue the season.

(The players talk amongst each other in concern.)

ExKizuna: Like what?

Dragiiin123: Thank you for asking! JCM?

(JCM crawls into the locker room with a large box of chocolates on his back.)

JCM: (salutes) Reporting for duty!

Dragiiin123: You'll all be selling chocolate bars today...

(The players groan.)

Dragiiin123: ...and to maximize our profits, you'll be excused from all your classes.

(The players cheer.)

Dragiiin123: (smiles) Okeedokee, then. Due to legalities and shit, I'll have to pair you each with a chaperone.

(Dragiiin123 pulls a hanging rope beside him, and a barrage of sex dolls pour out of the ceiling.)

Dragiiin123: Take your pick.

(The players eagerly grab a sex doll from the pile and fling it over their shoulders.)

Dragiiin123: And remember, whoever sells the most chocolate by the end of the day will get a special surprise! Now what are you waiting for? Get out there and sell, sell, sell!

(JCM pulls himself out from under the box and hands out packages of chocolates to the players as they march out the locker room. Once they're gone, JCM takes the remaining package out of the box.)

JCM: Dragiiin, can I go out there and sell, sell, sell with the team?

Dragiiin123: Sorry, we're out of chaperones.

JCM: Can't you arrange for me to get a living, breathing chaperone instead?

Dragiiin123: (sighs) Fine, I'll make a call.

(Dragiiin123 dials a number on his cell phone and puts it to his ear.)

Dragiiin123: Uh-huh. Yeah. (hangs up) JCM, it's your lucky day! crushingmayhem says that he'll be willing to accompany you. He should be here in 1...2...

(crushingmayhem walks into the locker room.)

crushingmayhem: Alright, let's get this thing over with.

(JCM leaves with crushingmayhem, and once Dragiiin123 is sure that they're gone, he goes into a locker and pulls out a sex doll.)

Dragiiin123: I'll be fucked if I'm giving away my last baby. (walks into the showers with the doll)

(JCM walks up to a house and rings its doorbell. An everyman opens the door.)

Everyman: What can I do for you?

JCM: I'm selling chocolate bars, fine sir, and I wanted to know if you were interested.

Everyman: (scratches chin) Chocolates, huh?

JCM: They have nuts in them!

Everyman: Well, I do enjoy putting nuts in my mouth.

JCM: P-please don't say that.

Everyman: Say what? Don't you like nuts in your mouth?

JCM: I...I'm not sure if I should answer that.

Everyman: What? You think you're above me? You think you're too good to answer my questions? Well, fuck off!

(The everyman slams the door in JCM's face, and JCM turns to the sidewalk, where crushingmayhem is waiting.)

JCM: I'm not sure what just happened.

crushingmayhem: (shrugs) Next home?

(JCM knocks on another door, the door opens, he shows off his chocolates, and the door gets slammed in his face. Seven more doors get slammed in his face, and he sits on the sidewalk next to crushingmayhem.)

JCM: I don't get it! Why are people so averse to my high-calorie snack products? Maybe I'll have better luck at that house. (points)

(JCM walks to the above-mentioned house, and a dark figure opens the door before he can knock on it.)

JCM: W-would you like some chocolates?

Dark figure: (laughs) I'll buy an entire package of your sickly human food if you give me your soul to go with it.

JCM: What a bargain! Wait, haven't I seen you somewhere before?

crushingmayhem: JCM, get out of there!

(crushingmayhem takes out a sword, jumps into the air, and slices the dark figure in half. The dark figure screams as it disintegrates into nothing. JCM takes a bite out of one of the chocolate bars.)

JCM: No wonder nobody wants these! They taste like doo doo! (throws the chocolate bar to the ground)

crushingmayhem: Come on. Let's get something to eat at the local diner. It's on me.

JCM: Sure. Anything to get this horrible taste out of my mouth. (starts walking) It's too bad I'll never get to know what Dragiiin's surprise is.

(TheTrophyStealer walks into the locker room with a bag of money in his hand.)

TheTrophyStealer: I've sold off all the chocolate!

Dragiiin123: That's great! Here's your surprise!

(Dragiiin123 throws a pie in TheTrophyStealer's face.)

Dragiiin123: Ha ha! I'm funny!

TheTrophyStealer: (dripping with pie) I don't get it.

(The End)

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hurry up with more, more, more, moar_2.jpg! i think we've waited long enough.

I update the show every Thursday, and it's Thursday, so I shouldn't keep you waiting for long.

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