A Pal for Gary II: The Hunt for Puffy Fluffy

[dmandagiraffe]

Location, Bikini Bottom. Date, 3 January 2010. Time, somewhere around 8:42am MHT.

Squidward is waking up for the day...or he would be if he got any sleep.

Squidward: Ughhh...I can't believe SpongeBob kept me up with that noise all night...I don't care what Krabs thinks, I'm staying home today. Let's make up for those wasted hours.

He attempts to fall asleep, but a loud noise outside interrupts him.

Squidward: WHAT THE?- (he sees Puffy Fluffy running away outside) oh, never mind.

He falls asleep for the next nine hours, waking up refreshed.

Squidward: Ahh, just what I needed. Now hopefully tonight I won't have to deal with...

He hears singing outside.

Squidward: ...SpongeBob. Wait, he's got his repulsive pet with him. I thought Mr. Krabs didn't allow animals at work. (yelling) SpongeBob, what are you thinking going to the Krusty Krab with that slimy mollusk?

SpongeBob: Oh hi, Squidward! Didn't see you at work today.

Squidward: That's because you kept me up all night with your racket! I couldn't sleep!

SpongeBob: Oh, that wasn't me. See, I got a friend for Gare Bear here, and he hated him so much that they got into a fight and destroyed my house!

Squidward: Facsinating.

SpongeBob: Worse still, Gary chased Fluffy away and I have no idea where my new pet is! Clearly I can't leave this troublemaker alone in the house anymore.

Squidward: ...huh?

SpongeBob: So I took him to work to help me with my job. He even ran the register for you!

Squidward: EW, gross! I'm bringing disinfectant the next time I clock in.

SpongeBob: Anyways, if you find Fluffy let me know! (walking inside) D'aww, he's the cutest thing...

Squidward: Not to my eyes he isn't. Heh. *sigh* Clearly SpongeBalls is too nitwitted to see his tiny snail can't leave that massive of a hole in his front door, but I see the truth! It was this other vile creature that halted my slumber! I'll find him alright, and after that...nobody will ever find him again.

 

Part II coming soon...

[dmandagiraffe]

The next day at the Krusty Krab. Squidward is manning the register. He notices that SpongeBob is absent from the kitchen while Gary is flipping patties.

Squidward: (whispering) Psst, Gary.

Gary: Meow?

Squidward: I need some backup, wanna go hunt down that monstrous foe of yours?

Gary: Meow.

Squidward: Yes, I know we don't have the best history, but this is a win-win! You don't have to worry about that thing returning to eat you, and I get my sleep schedule back!

Gary: Meow...

Squidward: Fine, I'll buy you 10 boxes of Snail Bites.

Gary: Meow!

Gary drops his spatula and crawls onto Squidward's back.

Squidward: ...I'm already regretting this.

He starts to walk out, when suddenly a door in the back bursts open.

Krabs: SQUIDWAAAAARD! What do ye think you be doing leaving work this early, with SpongeBoy's pet no less?

Squidward: (nervously) Uhh, you see...while SpongeBob was on break I was uh, going to take his snail to.........get a haircut.

pause

Krabs: Is that really the best you've got?

Squidward: Okay Mr. Krabs, I'll level with you. SpongeBob brought this other pet to his home yesterday, and it kept me up all night and almost killed Gary, so I'm going to hunt it down alongside him.

Krabs: Hmm. It's a noble cause, Squidward, but I can't allow you to do it during your shift. It's a waste of me precious money! Now get back to work, will ya?

Squidward: *sigh* Alright, Mr. Krabs. But if you see a green thing, let me know.

Krabs: Green thing? Was it huge? With spiky teeth? And four extra mouths inside?

Squidward: Yes?

Krabs: Grrrr...that creature tried to eat all the money under me mattress last night! Forget what I said Squidward, you can count me in on your escapade!

Sandy: Wait, green thing? That's the no good feller that slammed into my treedome and started a massive leak! Count me in too!

Puff: Green thing? Its teeth shredded through my students' freshly graded written reports! Count me in!

Bubble Bass: Green thing? His roaring rudely interrupted the recording of my revered review show the previous evening! Count me in!

Larry: Green thing? I saved him from drowning in Goo Lagoon this morning and he didn't even have the courtesy to thank me! Count me in!

Fred: Green thing? It broke MY LEG! when I was walking today. I'd say count me in, but I'm partly immobile at the moment so I think I'll stay here.

Old Man Jenkins: Green thing? You mean the stuff that's growing on my chest?

Krabs: (gets a closer look) No, that's just Plankton.

He picks him off.

Plankton: Wait, don't-

He screams as Krabs flicks him out of the restaurant.

Tom: Green thing? He poisoned our water supply, burned our crops, and delivered a plague unto our houses!

Everyone: He did?

Tom: No, but count me in anyway! I've got some pent-up anger that needs releasing.

The crowd yells in triumph as they exit the Krusty Krab.

Squidward: Count your days, green thing, if you even have more after today!

 

Part III coming soon...

[dmandagiraffe]

It is now dusk. Almost all of Bikini Bottom has banded together to kill Puffy Fluffy, torches and pitchforks in tentacles, claws, fins, paws, etc. Squidward, leading the mob, stops suddenly.

Squidward: Wait. How are we going to find this thing?

Sandy: I've got just what we need!

She pulls out a device, scans Gary, then a GPS activates.

Sandy: That scrape under Gary's shell means the creature left some biological residue.

Bubble Bass: Sounds unsanitary.

Sandy: Oh, for cryin' out loud, I'm talking about DNA! Deoxyribonucleic acid! It's unique to every living thing on this planet, and now it'll tell us exactly where the monster is...Rock Bottom!

Everyone: Rock Bottom?!?!?!

Krabs: They put all the freaks down there!

Larry: Well, at least he's among his own kind looks-wise.

Everyone stares disapprovingly.

Krabs & Larry: What?

Squidward: (marching again) Whatever, folks. We have a destination in mind. To Rock Bottom!

Another triumphant yell. Suddenly, a rock swings up...

Patrick: Did somebody say Pock Dottom?

Squidward: No, I said Rock Bottom.

Patrick: Tock Sodom?

Squidward: No!

Patrick: Cock Gottem?

Squidward: NO! I said ROCK BOTTOM! Like the bottom of the rock your fat buttocks are glued to!

Patrick: Aww, I thought you were talking about my favorite shows!

The rock slams shut.

Squidward: Idiot.

A few minutes later, the mob is waiting for a bus. Eventually one pulls up.

Squidward: Does this bus go to Rock Bottom?

Driver: Yes, but I won't be able to fit you all in. And you might cause a scene with all those torches. What are you even going to Rock Bottom for?

Squidward: We're going to kill the creature that kept me awake!

Krabs: And tried to eat me money!

Sandy: And caused my treedome to crack!

Puff: And ruined all my students' essays!

Everyone is venting their frustrations about Puffy Fluffy all at once.

Driver: Wait, wait, hold on a moment! Doesn't this all seem barbaric to you people?

Squidward: (pause) ...you're right. What's the point in killing that thing anyway? It's down in Rock Bottom now, there's no way it's getting back here. We might as well let it be in peace. If you'll excuse me, I'm going to apologize to SpongeBob for trying to-

Driver: Did you say...SpongeBob?

Squidward: Well, yeah, he was th-

Driver: (grabs a pitchfork under his seat) Count. Me. In.

 

Part IV coming soon...

[dmandagiraffe]

The bus arrives in Rock Bottom. Everyone steps out, ready to put the hunt for Puffy Fluffy to rest.

Squidward: What's that map of yours say, Sandy?

Sandy: It's lookin' like he should be...AAH! Right in front of us!

Everyone screams. However, all that appears in front of them is an average Rock Bottomite.

Bottomite: Can I *pbfft* help you?

Squidward: Sir, we're trying to find a large, monstrous, green creature, and for all we know he's right here. Have you seen anything like that?

Bottomite: Hmm *pbfft*, large and *pbfft* monstrous? I haven't *pbfft* seen anything *pbfft* of the sort *pbfft*. The only thing that *pbfft* fits is *pbfft* the green part, but *pbfft* that's referring to *pbfft* my new pet.

He steps aside to reveal Puffy Fluffy, back in his harmless form. The GPS starts beeping rapidly.

GPS: COMPLETE DNA MATCH.

Scooter: Wait, man. That's the thing we've been hunting down? Ahahahaha! Ahahahahahaha! He couldn't hurt a fly! Ahahahahahaha!

Gary crawls off Squidward's back.

Gary: Meow. (We meet again.)

Upon seeing Gary, Puffy Fluffy immediately turns back into its monster form and roars. In the process it squashes a nearby fly.

Scooter: Guess I spoke too soon. Ahahahahahaha, hahahaha! Let's slay this thing.

Gary puts on a cowboy hat and tries to lasso Puffy Fluffy's tongue-mouths. He dodges, sending one of his tongues after Gary, who jumps over it. Tom, whose patience is wearing thin, throws his torch directly into one of Puffy Fluffy's eyes. He shrieks and starts running away. The yelling mob follows him.

Bottomite: ...huh. Well *pbfft*, I guess a-*pbfft*-nother new pet is in *pbfft* order. Nice knowing you *pbfft*, Douglas!

During the chase, Larry assists Gary by throwing him in Puffy Fluffy's direction. Gary swings his lasso again, and this time actually manages to tie up Puffy Fluffy's tongues. He plants himself on the ground, struggling to keep the monster in place. The whole of Bikini Bottom grabs onto Gary like they're playing a record breaking game of tug-of-war. When it becomes clear that Puffy Fluffy isn't going anywhere, a chant rings out as Squidward runs up.

Everyone: Stab the green thing! Stab the green thing!

Squidward: Let's get this over with so I can go home and play my cla- uh, I mean, get a good night's sleep!

He thrusts his pitchfork down, stabbing it in Puffy Fluffy's other eye. He schreeches a final time and slumps over. Everyone cheers, throwing their weapons aside in celebration.

Krabs: Well Squidward, I'd say this makes up for you missing work yesterday.

Squidward: Oh, right. That.

Krabs: Eh, it wasn't a busy day anyway. You'd be surprised how many people don't want a patty when a snail is cooking them. Besides, I get to keep more of me money! Ararararararar!

While he laughs, unbeknownst to everyone Puffy Fluffy is getting back up. He growls, catching everyone off guard. The mob freezes in fear, but before Puffy Fluffy can attack them, he is suddenly stabbed through the heart with a stray pitchfork, dying for real. Standing on his back is Patrick.

Patrick: I win!

Squidward: PATRICK? Why are you even down here?

Patrick: This is where they're holding the Sock Condom convention. It's my favorite show! But I heard this guy trashing on it so, well, he's gotta die!

Before anyone can process this, an out of breath Plankton comes running up.

Plankton: (panting) Oh, you imbeciles! Why did you waste your time doing this? Killing that thing didn't accomplish anything!

Squidward: But it kept me up all night!

Krabs: And it tried to-

Plankton: I don't care what it did!! One, it would've been fine down here as it isn't hostile towards Bottomite life, two, this means all your problems would've had easy solutions, and three, he isn't the enemy here, SpongeBob is! He ignored the storekeeper's warning, stole this nudibranch, and allowed it into his house to act on its instincts!

Squidward: What? Why didn't you tell us earlier?!

Plankton: I tried to, but that despicable crustacean flicked me away!

Krabs: Heh, sorry. Force of habit. ...wait. Plankton, how do you know SpongeBob stole this creature?

Plankton: I was getting to that. I'll admit to you, in an attempt to gather as much information I could about the Krabby Patty secret formula, I've been...y'know........spying on SpongeBob for the past few days.

Everyone gasps.

Plankton: But do you know what I've learned about it? Zilch! In fact, the only knoweldge I seem to have gained from this is that SpongeBob is an insufferable moron! Karen, would you please?

She rolls up and a video from inside SpongeBob's house plays on her screen.

Karen: (SpongeBob: Gary! You put Fluffy down right now! Bad boy, Gary! Bad!)

The whole scene plays out. Everyone is speechless.

Karen: (SpongeBob: Well Gary, what do you have to say for yourself?)

The video cuts.

Puff: Dear King Neptune...

Sandy: And I thought Patrick was dumb.

Patrick: And I thought Gary was dumb.

Gary: Meow! (Why you-)

Squidward: Well, I think it's clear we've all had enough of SpongeBob's nonsense for the next few lifespans. But we can't just kill him; how are we supposed to deal with this?

Plankton: Don't worry, I've got the perfect idea.

The next day...

And that's how the nudibranch storekeeper went out of business...I mean, how National No SpongeBob Day began. Huh? What do you mean "this episode aired in the season before"? SpongeBob SquarePants has never had continuity, get over yourself!

THE END