SpongeBob’s Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy Universe

[Old Man Jenkins]

What better way to celebrate my 14th anniversary here on SBC than by posting a spin-off about spin-offs! And I’m already course correcting by making sure that it’ll be rated-R, and for very good reason, so apologies in advance to all the only sane men out there

 

 

Franchise Synopsis: Following the dual release of Drippy Bros Studios and SpongeBob’s respective Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy adaptations, an all-out rights war broke out behind the scenes. The two sides would eventually come to a compromise, resulting in a licensing agreement that would see the newly formed Spongy Pictures “loan” Drippy Bros select characters to use in their IJLSA Adventure Movies Universe, so long as SpongeBob can continue to develop and produce his own separate yet loosely connected universe trailing far behind it! All in the hopes of giving the prestigious duo’s fanbase everything they could ever want in a big screen adaptation: everything BUT Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy

 

 

“Suckem”

With the IJLSA Adventure Movies’ recent releases of “Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: Civil War” and “Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: Retirement Homecoming” once again putting the MM & BB brand out there in the public zeitgeist, Spongy Pictures cashes in on this opportunity to finally release its long awaited spin-off based on the popular Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy villain, Suckem, after having suckered “The Dark Tide Rises” star Tom Hardshell into accepting the title role.

“Suckem” revolves around struggling investigative journalist and sea turtle, Ridley Kemp, as he plots to relaunch his career by digging deeper into the SeaLife Foundation’s top secret research involving a meteor that recently plummeted into the ocean. Ridley’s source from inside the company, Dr. Dora Rem, who is opposed to the company’s inhumane experiments on live test subjects, grants Ridley unprecedented access into the Foundation’s Bikini Bottom facility, where things eventually go south and Ridley ends up unknowingly bonded to the parasitic life form that the Foundation managed to salvage from the meteor. The Foundation’s CEO, Vilan S. Figurehead, punishes Dora for her betrayal by subjecting her to the very same methods she had opposed, resulting in her demise. He then sends out a crack team of armed assailants to retrieve his rightful parasitic property, finding a clue in the form of Ridley’s press ID that got left behind in the chaos.

The Foundation’s forces attack Ridley in his studio apartment, but are greeted by the timely resurgence of the parasite, who takes possession of Ridley’s body and uses him to fight them all off. Ridley is forced to flee and finds some sanctuary atop a nearby Neptunian Orthodox church, where the parasite lore drops his entire backstory onto Ridley, explaining that he’s an alien remora named Suckem who is from outer space, because if there can be alien jellyfish from outer space, why the fuck can’t the same be said for remoras? On his homeworld, Suckem is seen as somewhat of a fucking bum ass loser, much like how Ridley is seen in the eyes of his own homeworld. And through this shared history of being bum asses, it allows them to seamlessly bond symbiotically like normal remoras normally would with other larger sea life on Earth. And just like normal remoras, Suckem sustains himself on Ridley’s leftovers. However, Suckem’s diet consists mainly of brains, which proves to be a huge hang up for this symbiotic relationship.

Not wanting to become a cannibal, Ridley enlists his lawyer ex-girlfriend, Anne (just Anne because I’m already tired of making fish puns. Oh, and she’s played by Mishelle Williams), to recruit the help of her current beau, Dr. Flotsam, in order to have him surgically remove Suckem from his body. It’s revealed here that Ridley and Anne broke up because their careers clashed since Anne works on the SeaLife Foundation’s legal team or some shit like that. I don’t know, I haven’t seen Venom since the first time I watched it tbh. Fucking sue me. Figurehead’s forces lay siege to Bikini Bottom General Hospital right in the middle of the removal process. This forces Ridley and Suckem to set aside their differences and UNITE (the only Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy reference you’ll get in this movie) as one to combat this latest threat. Suckem takes control of the situation and devours the brains of all the Figurehead mercs involved, but it’s revealed that one of the mercenaries recently ate something with mayonnaise in it, a substance that is fatal to Suckerm’s alien species. This forces Suckem to de-bond from Ridley, who is then captured by the Foundation as Suckem escapes through the hospital’s ventilation system.

Figurehead tortures Ridley in an attempt to use him to sucker Suckem out of hiding, knowing full well of their perfect symbiosis. As this goes on, Suckem’s mother, Suck Mama, dispatches herself to planet Earth to retrieve her loser wayward son. Suckem eventually reunites with Anne, who allows Suckem to temporarily bond with her so that they can use his full capabilities to rescue Ridley. This allows Anne to become She-Suckem, and the MM & BB fanbase collectively jizz their pants, I’m sure.

She-Suckem massacres the Foundation’s remaining forces and creates an opportunity for Suckem to re-bond with Ridley just as Suck Mama crash lands and bonds with Vilan S. Figurehead, thus granting him the power that he so craves. The two space suckerfish has fight that involves the best special effects Spongy Pictures’ budget will allow. Suck Mama reveals that Suckem got into one little fight on the Suck planet that scared her so much that she forced him to move in with his auntie and uncle on Mars. However, he didn’t show up to their residence at the expected arrival time. So now it’s up to her to retrieve him and set this boy straight.

Suckem ends up killing his mother and Figurehead in one fell swoop by blowing up the rocket ship SeaLife had in its back pocket that was rerouted to bring them all back to Planet Suck. And that’s how Suckem retains his villainous edge, by committing matricide. SpongeBob has already fixed one of the Sonyverse’s biggest problems.

The movie ends with Ridley still not getting Anne because he’s such a bum ass loser, but at least he and Suckem can still be bum ass losers together for at least two more movies and glorified cameos

In the mid-credits scene, we are reminded that Ridley still has his job as an independent journalist when he and Suckem arrive at Bikini Bottom Federal Penitentiary, where Ridley looks to conduct an unprecedented, all-access interview with its most notorious inmate, “The Seaweed Medley Maniac” Craize E.S. Redhead (played by Woody Herringson in the best wig Spongy Pictures could afford). Redhead is so crazy, he officially goes on record to claim that he will escape his confines and when he does, “there’s gonna be suckage”.

[Old Man Jenkins]

“Suckem: Let There Be Suckage”

 

In 1996, a young Craize E.S. Redhead watches helplessly as his lover, May Naze, is taken away from St. Ceto’s Home for Unwanted Children to the Ravenclam Institute. On the way, May, a born mutant (wait, we don’t have the rights to use that word. So let’s just use the term, “natural born freak”) uses her phenomenal powers to produce mayonnaise out of thin air to attack young police officer Patrick Morray the eel. Morray shoots May in the eye and suffers an injury to his ear due to her stuffing mayonnaise inside it. Unbeknownst to Morray, who believes he killed her, May is still taken to Ravenclam, where her abilities are restricted to simply making sandwiches for the staff.

In the present day, Morray, now a detective, asks journalist Ridley Kemp to speak to “The Seaweed Medley Maniac”, Craize, at Bikini Bottom Maximum Security Prison, since Craize refuses to talk to anyone other than Ridley, who he has grown to develop quite the rapport with. Probably because Ridley is, in fact, a villain. After the visit, Ridley’s alien remora Suckem deduces where Craize has hidden the bodies of his victims using space remora powers, which gives Ridley a considerable career boost. 

Still under the watchful eye of the Federal Bureau of Investigating Acquaintances of the Bureau that’s Federal after the events of the first film, Ridley puts Suckem on a strict diet that completely cuts out the brains of criminals, which Suckem disapproves of. Ridley is contacted by his ex-fiancé, Just Anne, who tells him that she is now engaged to Dr. Flotsam, to Suckem’s displeasure. Craize, who has been found guilty of his crimes and sentenced to death by lethal injection, invites Ridley to attend his execution and tells him that it’s BYOB. Ridley speaks with Craize, who insults Ridley, provoking Suckem to attack Craize. In a more lore accurate take, this exhilarating experience causes Suckem to asexually reproduce an offspring that gets left behind and ends up bonding with the crazed maniac in his cell. Back home, Suckem has an argument with Ridley about wanting more freedom to eat criminals, and the parasite decides to leave Ridley’s body in rebellion and goes off on his own.

As Craize’s execution begins, a red remora emerges and blocks the injection. Christened “Suckage”, it goes on a violent rampage through the prison, freeing inmates and killing guards. Suckage agrees to help Craize break May out of Ravenclam in exchange for Craize’s help eliminating Ridley and Suckem. Morray visits Ridley at home and warns him about the escalating situation, because all freelance investigative journalists are badasses. At Ravenclam, Craize frees May, and they travel to the St. Ceto’s children's home to burn it down. And, of course, killing a bunch of children in a fiery inferno automatically trumps matricide on the evil scale. Elevating the threat of Suckage to Maximum!

Morray grows suspicious of Ridley after finding out what he did to those lobsters in the first movie and arrests him. Ridley contacts Just Anne as his lawyer and reveals that Suckem has separated from him. As Suckem makes his way through Bikini Bottom by hopping from body to body, Just Anne finds him bonded to Mrs. Swai, who I completely fucking forgot to include in the first movie, and convinces him to forgive Ridley by reminding him that this franchise doesn’t quite have the rights to any of the other characters who have canonically been his host. Suckem reunites with Ridley after first bonding with Just Anne to recreate She-Suckem *boing* break into the police station, and they escape custody. Together. Craize takes Morray hostage, and May captures Just Anne, taking them both to Tethys Cathedral where Craize and May plan to get married.

Ridley and Suckem arrive to fight Suckage, while May Naze seemingly kills Morray by hanging him with a chain. Suckem is overpowered by Suckage but provokes May Naze into using her powers over mayonnaise to separate Suckage and Redhead, who are both devoured by Suckem (and just like that, the air is completely sucked out of this franchise and it’s all downhill from here, folks), while the collapsing cathedral crushes May Naze. Morray is revealed to be alive, and a blue space remora appears to be attached to his back, seemingly infected by a piece of Suckage. I’m sure that’ll be something of great importance! Ridley and Suckem, fully bum ass fugitives of justice, decide to take a vacation to the Gulf of Mexico while they ponder their next steps.

In a mid-credits scene, as Suckem tells Ridley about the space remoras’ knowledge of other universes through their collective multiverse hive mind bullshit, a blinding light suddenly transports them from their seedy hotel room to another, poshier room where they watch C. Chauncey Clameson talking about Mermaid Man’s revealed identity as Ernie (or Jim) Huckler on television…as shown in the ending of IJLSA Adventure Movies’ “Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy: Far From Retirement Home”! Suckem then starts sucking on the tv glass showing Mermaid Man’s image. This will be something of great importance, I’m su-

 

 

 

 

Mid-credits scene of “Mermaid Man & Barnacle Boy: No Way Retirement Home”

 

A very inebriated Ridley and Suckem are seen kicking it back in the IJLSA Adventure Movies’ much nicer version of the Gulf of Mexico (a universe where the IJLSA united in the first IJLSA Adventure Movie to prevent the BO Oil Spill), where they play catch up on the entire timeline of the IJLSA Adventure Movies Universe thanks to the always knowledgeable bartender. Ridley implies paying a visit to this “Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy”, which is merely designed to manipulate the audience into getting their hopes up, as Dr. Peculiar’s magic spell to erase everyone’s memory of Ernie (or Jim) Huckler takes effect and gives Spongy Pictures’ monstrosity the unceremonious boot from the only universe that matters. But Suckem leaves a piece of himself behind that has the power to defy both franchise’s logic, so let’s just see where that goes. I guess. The post-credits scene might as well just be the Drippy Bros waving their dicks around in SpongeBob’s mouth at this point. I told you this is Rated-R for good reason. 

[Old Man Jenkins]

“Morcoitus”

Coming off the high of two successful Suckem films with very little to nothing to do at all with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, the Spongy Mermaid and Barnacle-verse was officially full steam ahead. The next slated project plopped onto SpongeBob’s lap was finally bringing Dr. Michael Morcoitus, the Vampire Squid From Hell, to the big screen! SpongeBob initially used his Suckem big bucks to cast Jared Weto in the title role, with the sponge actually thinking quite highly of the methodest actor’s turn as the infamous Clownfish in “Unalive Yourself Squad”. However, the actor’s method way of immersing himself in this role involved him mailing poop to all the crew members and then proceeding to eat said poop once they received it, which was annoying enough to get him kicked off the project. Having to recast on such short notice, Spongy executives ultimately settled on the slightly less annoying and pretentious, as well as relatively unknown, Squidward Tentacles. Insert your own version of a Spongyverse accurate “Morbin’ Time” joke here. Because I can’t fucking think of one myself.

At a hospital in the Adriatic, 10-year-old octopus Michael Morcoitus welcomes his surrogate octopus brother Lucien, whom he renames Lotion; they dreadfully bond over their shared fate of death upon mating (as is the fate of most male cephalopods, look it up) and their desire to mate "normally without death having to be involved". Seeing Michael's potential, their adoptive father and hospital director Nicholas, whom Michael renames Nichol-ass, arranges for Michael to attend medical school in New Kelp City while he focuses on caring for Lotion.

25 years later, Michael publicly declines a Noble Doctor Award for his work towards prolonging cephalopod lives post-mating. His colleague Martine Bancroft, whom Michael renames Martine Handjob, discovers he has secretly captured dozens of vampire squids from the Mariana Trench in the hope of splicing their genes with his own to cure his condition of dying upon mating, since it’s been discovered that vampire squids are able to mate multiple times in their lifetimes without the threat of dying (look it up). Michael receives funding from Lotion (who is filthy stinking rich due to the fact that he’s played by Squilliam Fancyson III) to outfit a private mercenary vessel in international waters with his equipment. While the cure works, it transforms Michael into a vampire squid who kills and drains the crew of their rotting materials, poop and snot (look it up) after they attack him out of fear of being renamed to something more crass and immature. Once his pooplust subsides and he regains his senses, a horrified Michael erases all footage of his experiment before contacting authorities and jumping overboard.

Michael returns to New Kelp City (which is obviously just Bikini Bottom with random cardboard boxes stacked up to simulate skyscrapers) and discovers he now has super strength, speed, hypnosis and echolocation, with his vampire squids treating him as one of their own. To control his pooplust, he subsists on New Kelp City sewage as it gradually ceases to satisfy his needs since it explicitly states on google that vampire squids feast mainly on dead matter. FBI agents Simon Trout and Al Codriguez, whom Michael renames Used Gym Sock and Codpiece respectively, investigate Michael's victims and deduce his involvement thanks to his rancid poop breath whenever they talk to him. Lotion learns that Michael is cured but becomes furious when Michael refuses to cure him as well. While checking on a hospitalized Martine, Michael finds a dead nurse, drained of her poop and snot. Believing he was responsible, he attempts to escape before being arrested by Used Gym Sock. In prison, he is visited by Lotion and realizes Lotion took his cure and killed the nurse. Michael Morcoitus escapes to confront him. An unrepentant Lotion urges Michael to embrace his powers as he has. Unwilling to hurt his brother, Michael flees.

Michael meets Martine, acquires a new lab, and develops an antibody against vampire squidism to stop Lotion and to also use on himself. We are then treated to an interpretive dance scene of Lotion enjoying his completely recharged libido and newfound lease on life while watching the new Nosferatu movie. Used Gym Sock and Codpiece find footage of one of Lotion’s attacks and, believing Michael's vampire squidism to be spreading, release it to the media. Nichol-ass recognizes Lotion and pleads with him to stop because he’s breaking his heart. Angered by Nichol-ass’ perceived preference for Michael, Lotion mortally wounds him; Michael arrives too late to save him while Lotion also mortally wounds Martine. Michael summons an army of vampire squids to restrain Lotion and inject the antibody. Martine uses her last ounce of strength to tag in and proceeds to literally mate with Lotion to death, like in the ending of Nosferatu, to spare Michael from having to do the deed himself. Killing Lotion, I mean. The injected Lotion dies of natural male cephalopod causes, Martine dies in Michael’s arms tonight from something he said and Michael Morcoitus flies off with the vampire squids, mourning his loved ones and embracing his identity as a vampire squid. Unbeknownst to him, Martine is resurrected, having ingested a drop of Michael's snot as he fed on her dead body’s poop. That’ll become important in the sure-fire sequel.

In the mid-credits scene, The Salvager (previously seen as the main villain of “Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: Retirement Homecoming”!) is randomly transported to Michael Morcoitus’ universe from his own. The difference in catering quality between a Spongy Pictures and Drippy Brothers production is immediately noticeable by The Salvager’s actor, Michael Seaton. Coming to the perfectly sound and acceptable conclusion that Mermaid Man is somehow responsible, The Salvager approaches the fugitive Michael Morcoitus (whose Mermaid Man was completely scrubbed out during post-production and doesn’t even exist as far as I’m concerned) and suggests that they form a team in hopes of salvaging that long thought to be dead in the water “Sea-nister Six” movie. Which will definitely be greenlit after Morcoitus makes major fuck money at the box office across two theatrical runs.

[Jjs Goodman]

Congratulations to Morcoitus for making a morcoitillion sand dollars! Unfortunately The Salvager died on the way back to his home planet

[WhoBibbles]

IT'S MORCOITING TIME!!!

[Old Man Jenkins]

Forgot these were also technically part of the Sonyverse. Heheh oops.

 

Thanks to SpongeBob’s best efforts to make Morcoitillion a new unit of money measurement to prove that Morcoitus was profitable, Morcoitus managed to turn in a profit of tree-fitty and some change. SpongeBob would invest these earnings into an entire animation department at Spongy Pictures, with which he would produce the first ever animated Mermaid Man movie aptly titled

 

“Barnacle Star: Into the Mermaid-Verse”

New Kelp City teenager Patrick Starales (voiced by Patrick Star) struggles to live up to the expectations of his father, police officer Marty Starales (voiced by Marty), who sees Mermaid Man as a mere menace. Patrick’s uncle Sluggo takes him to an abandoned subway station to blow giant paint bubbles and pop them onto the walls as a way to cheer him up. There, Patrick is bitten by a radioactive barnacle and somehow gains abilities similar to Mermaid Man. Returning to the station where he got bit, he discovers an “In Case of Bomb, Break Universe” machine built by the Big Kahuna (played by the Ice Cream King), who hopes to access parallel universes to abduct alternate versions of his late wife Squidnessa and son Squichard. Mermaid Man attempts to disable the universe breaker while fighting Big Kahuna’s enforcers, SeaLo Green (don’t get used to him) and Unc Status.

SeaLo Green shoves Mermaid Man into the universe breaker, causing an explosion that kills the former and wounds the latter, who then gives Patrick a USB flash drive designed to single handedly save the universe, warning that the machine could destroy the universe if this movie somehow flops. After watching in horror as Big Kahuna murders Mermaid Man, 

Patrick flees. As the city mourns Mermaid Man’s death, Patrick tries to honor his legacy by becoming the new Mermaid Man, but inadvertently damages the drive five seconds in. At Mermaid Man’s grave, he meets Ernie (or Jim) B. Huckler, a middle-aged, world-weary variant of Mermaid Man from another dimension.

The duo UNITE! in order to infiltrate Big Kahuna’s research facility to steal data for a new flash drive. After chucking a stray donut at some random scientist who definitely will not become important later, they are confronted by the head scientist Squilvia Octavius, who discovers that Ernie (or Jim) B. will die from cellular decay if he remains in their dimension. Patrick and Ernie (or Jim) B. are saved by Mindy Neptune (played by Princess Mindy at Patrick’s behest), a Mermaid Woman from another dimension. They visit Mermaid Man’s aunt, May Huckler, who is sheltering more Mermaid-People who slipped into Patrick’s universe from other dimensions due to the universe breaker’s influence: Mermaid Man Noir (played by Nicolbass Cage), Peni (or Penny) Huckler (played by Penny from “I Had an Accident”), and Pigulon (thank you modern SpongeBob for helping me justify a pig character), all of whom are also deteriorating. Patrick offers to help the others return home but they tell him he lacks the brain cells, which can’t be helped.

Distraught, Patrick retreats to Sluggo’s home, where he discovers his uncle is Unc Status. 

SeaLo Green: OH DAMN

He then flees to May's house, where the new drive is completed by Peni (or Penny); however, he is followed by Big Kahuna, Sluggo, Squilvia Octavius, Sea Scorpion, and Gravemarker. In the ensuing brawl, Patrick reveals his identity to Sluggo. Somehow failing to recognize his own nephew (it runs in the family), Sluggo attempts to kill Patrick Starales until he finally recognizes him right before this unc could officially update his nephew’s status to “Dead”. Uncle Sluggo is fatally shot by Big Kahuna not even for betraying him, but for being so fucking stupid as to not recognize his own nephew right away. Uncle Sluggo dies in Patrick’s arms tonight, but not before imparting some words of wisdom on to his nephew that his uncle Carl once told him; “with becoming an uncle, comes great status”. Sluggo reveals that he gained his powers the moment he became the cool uncle, but that the status went so much to his head that he began to think that doing bad things = being cool. Patrick’s last few brain cells appear to die alongside Uncle Sluggo as he flees right as Marty arrives on the scene. Marty too fails to recognize his son and mistakes him as his brother's murderer instead. The Mermaid-People regroup with an aloof Patrick. Not wanting to let Patrick get killed, Ernie (or Jim) B. restrains Patrick with his raging whirlpool and chooses to sacrifice himself by staying behind and deactivating the universe breaker.

Marty arrives outside the door of Patrick’s dorm rock and apologizes for his constant baby-ing of him and underestimating his son before placing his faith in Patrick, inspiring him. Patrick manages to control his powers, escapes his restraints, and creates his own “Barnacle Boy” suit, deciding that he’s gonna go do his own thing. He joins the other Mermaid-People in defeating Big Kahuna’s enforcers, and uses the new drive to send their asses retirement home. Big Kahuna fights and overpowers Patrick, attracting Marty’s attention. Finally recognizing that this new “Barnacle Star” is not the brother-killing menace he saw him as, he encourages Patrick, who throws Big Kahuna at the universe breaker’s kill switch, destroying it. The universe is saved, Big Kahuna and his henchmen are arrested and Marty receives evidence of Big Kahuna’s murders of Sluggo and the first Mermaid Man.

Patrick embraces his title of Barnacle Star and sets out to defend it by sleeping under his rock while his police radio goes off about various crimes around the city. Later, Mindy finds a way to contact Miles from her own dimension, which big mistake there. Elsewhere, Miguel (or Michael) O’Snara, also known as Mermaid Man 2099, travels to Earth-69 and argues with its Mermaid Man, who is revealed to be the Mermaid Man from the OG show within a show. And fanboys and daddy connoisseurs everywhere UNITE! in a euphoric symphony.