SBC What If's

[Zaid]

Episode 52: What if Spongecraftian Countries went to War?

It all started with a flash, a result of a feud between two nations.

The Asonian Union, originally comprised of the large Outer Spongecraftia, and the smaller territory ZCD Reserve, flooded Greater Spongecraftia with modernized, commercialized, social-capitalistic Retail stores, Malls, and other places, people began to trade their Horses, Pigs, Minecarts for Cars, areas were being urbanized rapidly, it’s army rapidly grew in numbers, and they began to take countries, under the idea of “You’ve seen what we can do, maybe you could join us?”, but this wasn’t by force or through invasion, rather; through a sheer demonstration of what they could do.

But, there was a small nation; nestled off Spongecraftian Overworld Route 66 that didn’t like that. – United States Spongecraftia, a walled settlement; was hungry for power, following an election that may have been overpowered by mild late stage capitalistic corporate investment, filled with companies that did not wish to enter the Asonian Union’s properties.

Leadership of United States Spongecraftia consistently criticized the Asonian Union, as they viewed their way of living as “Woke” and “Immoral”, they seethed at the sight of Asonia’s Values of Healthcare for all, equal payment, proper Taxation, Support for marginalized communities, and diverse populations.

While the Asonian Union’s residents were enjoying a higher, modernized quality of life, driving modern machinery, meeting eachother at the mall, living prosperous lives, US SC was actively punishing those who entered their walled garden, ousting those who had differing ideas that didn’t fit their Nuclear Family Suburbian Authoritarian Molds, most US SC citizens roamed on horseback, while the elites cruised in fancy cars, and yet they always consistently claimed their economy was “the greatest in the world.”

Asonian Union residents listened to Talking Heads among other artists while dancing at clubs, gatherings and such on their own accord; while US SC blasted Kid Rock and Lee Greenwood through speakers all around their walled garden, whether their citizens wanted to listen to it or not.

The thing that made this conflict reach a boiling point; and turn into an all-out war; however, was not initiated by nuclear weapons, gunfire or explosive shells, rather; it was simple… a spin in a Stock Car race at the Glen.

The one thing the two kept in common was Motorsport, US SC had a couple teams participating in Asonia’s homegrown Stock Car racing sports clubs, Asonia never really abandoned the Car of Tomorrow, so for those who attended these races, it was a fun blast to the past.

Matthew Roberts, a Long-time Journeyman for Connexion Motorsports, spun out the MusketSport-backed Marcus Leavitt and went on to Dominate Spongecraftia Glen by a large gap, all while driving a Dodge that wore a United Republic of Asonia Army paintscheme.

What followed was chaos in the grandstands, as Citizens of US SC that were close enough in alignment to their leader; Grubby J. Grouper, suddenly stormed the track; it’s said that Roberts had just enough time to allow some of his team to climb in, before he drove off in the car, the track was overrun, fans, drivers, crewmembers fled in droves as chaos erupted, it was eventually brought under control by the guard of Unknown Spongecraftia, the country where the race was held.

Hours later, the leader of United States Spongecraftia posted on his personal blog:

Asonia would not take this lightly, as US SC began to plan, Asonia moved forward; there were already boots on the ground on Route 66 within hours, the fun colorful road between South Korean Spongecraftia and Shrek Spongecraftia known for Neon Lights, tourist traps, and the like devolved into a warzone, Villages became control points, weaponry was drawn, and the war had begun.

Asonia planned their all-out assault, while US SC put up nothing more than a website, a sort of “Targets List”, listing Asonian Media outlets, media personalities and such as “Terrorists”, “Enemies of Freedom”, nothing more than another distraction to brainwash the US SC Citizens.

But, there was one weakness that US SC had that everyone around them exploited: their image.

Globally, Countries around Spongecraftia began to protest, and rebel against US SC, boycotting their products, their businesses, and other things; television painted the image of their army being weak, and feeble; and their coalition being nothing more than a bunch of nerds behind screens.

Grubby took notice of this; and retaliated by… sending more posts to his blog…

Yeah, he isn’t exactly smart now is he?

Asonia’s Army began to close in further, what little resistance they were met with was easily overpowered, one by one; the villages along Route 66 became Asonian outposts, the areas undiscovered by either party being claimed as well, a circular march was being made towards the small walled-in nation.

Out of desperation, President Grouper finally began to scramble more of his troops, as well as tell his controlled media companies to spread misinformation about the impending Asonian wave of salvation.

But, oddly enough; unlike the small crowd that stormed the track just days prior, nobody was there to meet the troops at the gate… if anything, the streets were empty; people hunkering down in their homes, apartments.

One night, it finally happened; the sounds of tanks, fighter jets, helicopters in the distance, Asonia was able to easily overcome and finally invade, leaving those inside to wait in suspense.

Like a flash, troops stormed in, they began to secure everything down, and made their way into the White… Kentucky Fried Pizza (they weren’t able to build a proper building yet.), they were met with some resistance, but once again, easily overcame it.

Grouper’s yes men and yes women were detained, as they made their way into the Oval Kitchen, where they found him… asleep at his desk… pretty much an average Tuesday for him.

Grubby J. Grouper was awoken and detained, he now spends the rest of his life in an Asonian Military Prison, though; I don’t think he really notices, his brain tricked him into thinking he was still at his office in a Tower somewhere in Historic Spongecraftia, every move he makes; he’s in a daze thinking he’s still 50 years younger, often times falling asleep on occasion, you almost felt bad for him until you considered he was responsible for decades of pain and suffering.

US SC was split apart, it’s walls coming down, and the droning of Kid Rock ceasing, the citizens who weren’t taken by insanity were finally able to hear again, hear in a free world where they could be someone.

By the end of the war, Spongecraftia was really only left to rebuild Route 66, those who followed Grouper’s cause began to live lives in exile, receding into Unknown Spongecraftia, or blending into International Village.

But as for those who lived in fear, they were finally truly free.

[Katniss]

Ah, Goo Lagoon—I mean, TV Tropes. A vast database of confusingly-named tropes (looking at you, Fantastic Racism!), wick checks (have you gotten yours looked at lately?), and an endless amount of headscratching over media. I mean, just look at the Headscratchers page for The Price is Right. Why are people up in arms about contestants bidding 420? Who made you the fun police? I just—

Oh, right. I’m supposed to be talking about *checks notes* SpongeBob SquarePants. My apologies.

The SpongeBob Headscratchers page is full of interesting questions (“How would you ever get enough people willing to form a seven-mile spanking machine?” for one) but we only have time for one pressing issue today: where was perennial runner-up for Krusty Krab employee of the month Squidward Tentacles during the events of Nasty Patty?

Would Squidward have ruined the plot and made the episode less funny? Well, that’s what you’re here to find out, aren’t you? So, without further ado:

Episode 53: What If...Squidward Had Been in Nasty Patty?

Today was supposed to be one of Squidward’s rare days off. He’d insisted on a “mental health day,” and Mr. Krabs, eager to increase employee loyalty by practicing a little New Age management, agreed. Squidward had the day all mapped out: he was going to sleep in, catch up on his reading, and maybe even spend some time rotting on the couch while watching The Reef Housewives of New Kelp City. (Hey, he may have prided himself on being a man of culture, but he couldn’t help having his guilty pleasures.)

It was a bright, sunny day, and Squidward got the idea to watch some television while having a nice bowl of Kelp Flakes. He was looking forward to relaxing for once and enjoying his day—what a concept!—when a special news bulletin from the Realistic Fish Head changed everything.

Realistic Fish Head: We interrupt this can-can for a special news bulletin. Be on the lookout for a man, who's been passing himself off as a health inspector in order to obtain free food. That's all for now.

Squidward nearly spit out his Kelp Flakes. Key word, nearly, because he bought this from the bougie grocery store in town and he’d be damned if he let seven dollars go to waste.

Squidward knew that the Krusty Krab was due for a health inspection one of these days. He also knew that Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob weren’t the most rational creatures, even on a good day. So his mental health holiday would have to wait: the reputation of the Krusty Krab was at stake. Seriously, how would those barnacle heads function without him?

Meanwhile, at the Krusty Krab, Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob were enacting their revenge on the (allegedly) fake health semester, cackling with glee as the man gagged on the titular nasty patty. 

“Hold it right there!” Squidward gasped, out of breath as if he’d just biked the Tour de France instead of taking the minutes-long ride to the Krusty Krab. “What are you two doing to this poor man?”

“Squidward, you’re here on your day off!” SpongeBob squealed. A smirk spread across his face. “You missed us, didn’t you, Squidward?”

Before Squidward could reply, Mr. Krabs jumped in, waving one of his claws dismissively. “Nothing to worry about here, Mr. Squidward. Nobody scams their way to a free meal at the Krusty Krab on my watch!”

Squidward’s eye twitched. His boss couldn’t actually think that—

Bang!

The health inspector slipped on some condiment packets, banging his head on the table and falling to the ground in a crumpled heap. He groaned, a fly escaping his mouth in the process. Squidward was bewildered. What on earth did they feed this guy? 

Realistic Fish Head: We interrupt your laughter at other people's expense to bring you this news flash. The fake inspector has been captured. Here is his picture. [A picture is shown on the TV, but it doesn't look like the real health inspector.] If a health inspector comes to your restaurant and he's not this guy, he's real.

SpongeBob wiped some sweat from his brow, relieved. “Phew, that's a relief, eh, Mr. Krabs? I'm sure our guy will understand if we just explain the situation. Then we can all have a good laugh about it.”

Mr. Krabs looked uneasily at the (real!) unconscious health inspector on the ground. “I don’t think he’ll be laughing, boy…”

“Why, sir?” SpongeBob asked worriedly. 

“Because that patty killed him!” Mr. Krabs cried out.

He and SpongeBob screamed, glanced at the health inspector, and then screamed again.

Squidward sighed wearily. He could’ve been relaxing at home with the latest Fisherton period romance novel or his beloved Reef Housewives right now instead of dealing with this bullshrimp. “Will you two calm down? He’s not dead!”

“Of course he’s dead, Squidward! I know what a dead body looks like!” Mr. Krabs snapped. “We gotta get rid of this body before anyone sees it. We gotta get out and bury it!”

“He bumped his head on a table,” Squidward bluntly responded. “He’s probably unconscious at worst.”

“Mr. Krabs, I don’t wanna go to jail!” SpongeBob blubbered, completely ignoring Squidward’s logical response. 

Squidward sighed. “SpongeBob, you didn’t—”

Mr. Krabs smacked Squidward across the face. “Shut yer yap, Mr. Squidward! Now, are you gonna help us move this dead body or not?”

Squidward sighed, looking up at the ceiling. “Neptune help us all.”

Squidward walked over to the health inspector, checking his pulse. “He’s still alive!” Squidward exclaimed. 

Mr. Krabs broke out into a cold sweat. “Oh barnacles, now I wish he was actually dead.”

“How come, Mr. Krabs?” SpongeBob wondered. 

“Because he’s going to give us a bad review once he wakes up!” Mr. Krabs responded. “We fed him toenail clippings! Well, actually, you fed him that, SpongeBob. Oh Neptune, I’m gonna have to get a new fry cook!”

Now it was Squidward’s turn to deliver a fresh smack across the face to Mr. Krabs. “Get a hold of yourself, Krabs! SpongeBob, throw out that disgusting concoction you made for the health inspector and make him a fresh patty for when he wakes up.”

“Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were in charge and this restaurant was the Krusty Squid,” Mr. Krabs sarcastically remarked. 

Okay, that was the last straw. Squidward went into the supply closet, gathering some rope and a shovel. (He didn’t know why Krabs had these items readily available, but some questions are best left unanswered.) 

Mr. Krabs chuckled nervously. “What you got there, Mr. Squidward?”

“This is for your own good, Eugene,” Squidward said, raising the shovel above his head.

Mr. Krabs turned pale. “Squidward. Squidward? Please? I’ll let you have a free glass of water—”

BONK.

Once the annoying crustacean was knocked out and tied up, Squidward went into action. While SpongeBob whipped up a non-disgusting patty for the health inspector, Squidward ran around the restaurant, cleaning the place up. Once it looked presentable again, Squidward lifted up the health inspector and got him back into a comfortable seat. Then he got a bag of ice from the freezer and applied it to the health inspector’s head so the swelling on his bruise could go down.

Squidward had never cared this much about his job in his life. It was as if he were possessed by someone who actually wanted to put in maximum effort in their performance. 

“Mr. Krabs better give me a raise for this,” Squidward grumbled. “Or at least another day off.”

SpongeBob burst out of the kitchen, a steaming hot, fresh krabby patty in his hands. Squidward’s mouth watered. Maybe if he could have just one bite…

Get a hold of yourself, Squidward thought, shaking himself out of his reverie.

Squidward gently roused the health inspector, not wanting to startle him. “Excuse me, sir…”

The fish’s eyes fluttered open. “Oh wow…how long was I out for? Am I still at the Krusty Krab?”

“You sure are, sir! Hope you enjoy one of our delectable Krabby patties!” SpongeBob chirped, before giving the health inspector his meal. 

The health inspector eyed the patty cautiously before taking a bite. You know those love songs that seem to perfectly capture the euphoria of falling for someone for the first time? That health inspector experienced that level of bliss as soon as he’d swallowed his bite. 

“This is fantastic!” he cried out. “Cooked to perfection.”

SpongeBob was beaming with pride, while Squidward actually allowed a smile to spread across his face. 

“Thank you, sir!” SpongeBob enthused, looking close to tears, as if he didn’t have people every day raving about how good the krabby patties were here.

“So…do we pass?” Squidward nervously asked.

The health inspector smiled, scribbling on a notepad and putting a giant A+ in red ink across the page. “With flying colors! You know, before I passed out, I was choking on something, and for a second I thought it was the food I ate. Wouldn’t it be crazy if it turned out you guys were trying to poison me?”

Squidward chuckled nervously. “Poisoned food at the Krusty Krab? Absolutely not.”

Just then, the kitchen door swung upon and Mr. Krabs sprung out, somehow free from his restraints.(Squidward had totally forgotten about Krabs’s strength training from his time in the navy.) “Mr. Squidward, I oughta dock your pay for that little—oh, it’s the health inspector! You’re alive!”

The health inspector cocked an eyebrow. “Of course I am! Why wouldn’t I be?”

Squidward cleared his throat. “Thank you so much for stopping by and giving us such a glowing review! Hope you have a splendid day!” He flashed his best customer service smile at the health inspector.

“What’s going on with you, boy? Did you hit yer head?” Krabs questioned.

SpongeBob giggled. “You’re so funny, Mr. Krabs!” 

“Well, I better be heading off. I’m due to give the Shell Shack an inspection now. Hope that talking dog is performing again!” The health inspector shoved the rest of the patty into his mouth, swallowing it with a large gulp (Squidward thought he was asking for another choking hazard by doing that, but whatever), and went off. 

“Aw, Squidward, what would we do without you?” SpongeBob gushed, pulling Squidward into a hug. Squidward tensed up, ready to bolt, but decided to let the little twerp hug it out. SpongeBob did fuck things up by nearly killing the health inspector, but he did come through for the restaurant in the end.

“Yeah, you’re welcome,” Squidward cockily replied. Thank goodness he showed up. The Krusty Krab would burn down without a competent cashier like him at the helm!

“This is very heartwarming and all, but we’re running a restaurant here! Back to work, both of ya!” Mr. Krabs barked. “We’re burning money here!”

Squidward sighed, changing the sign hanging by the entrance from “Closed” to “Open,” and prepared for—hopefully—an average, uninteresting day. After stopping Krabs and SpongeBob from burying a health inspector, the poor squid couldn’t deal with any more excitement. (Well, at least until he got home. Then the drama of a bunch of middle-aged housewives was calling his name.)

Edited June 18 by Katniss
fixin typos and adding a lil more detail

[WinterArcanine]

Episode 54: What If...Band Geeks Was a Season 7 Episode?

Bonjour. It is me, the French Narrator. I have been locked into the Tidal zZne and I cannot leave until I narrate this what if scenario to you. 

Chocolate with Nuts. Dying for Pie. Krusty Krab Training Video. The Camping Episode. Truth or Square. Wet Painters. What do these episodes have in common? They’re all classic episodes of the show that are some of the most beloved episodes ever. But if you asked every single person who ever watched SpongeBob what their absolute favorite episode is, the most common answer would be Band Geeks. It is by far the most famous and well loved episode of the show. But what if it wasn’t a good episode at all? What if it was a shitty and infamous season 7 episode? In this universe, Band Geeks was produced and aired early on in Season 7’s life instead of season 2, resulting in a much worse episode.

The episode starts with Squidward playing his clarinet. He keeps trying to play it, but is disrupted by strange sounds coming from his front yard. Eventually, he finally starts playing, but an even louder sound is heard, causing him to jolt in surprise, accidentally poking the tip of his clarinet into his eye, which gets painfully stuck in it. He tries pulling it out of his eye, but in the process, he ends up also ripping off his entire skin in the process, showing his entire innards in oddly good detail.

Squidward: SPONGEBOB! PATRICK! WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING OUT HERE???

SpongeBob: Hi Squidward! Me and Patrick are pretending to be dying animals!

Squidward: ….pretending to be dying animals?

Patrick: Uh-huh! Here, let me show you: AUEUEUEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(This causes lots of spit to fly right into Squidward’s face)

SpongeBob: You should join us Squidward! It’s really fun!

Squidward: …No.

SpongeBob: ok. Bye Squidward! We love you!

Squidward returns into his house where he gets a phone call.

Squidward: Hello, you’ve reached the house of unrecognized talent.

Squilliam: Hey loser! I mean Squidward, sorry I mix up those words sometimes.

Squidward: SQUILLIAM FANCYSON??? MY RIVAL AND ARCH-ENEMY FROM BAND CLASS?

Squilliam: Don’t say it like people don’t know, Squidward! I’ve actually succeeded in life, unlike you. And you’ve NEVER beaten me in anything, ever!

Squidward: Okay, and what have you succeeded in Squilliam? Showing off to random nitwits?

Squilliam. Being richer than you. And more famous than you. And being more handsome than you (he waves his unibrow even though Squidward can’t see that). And being way better at the clarinet than you. In fact, my band is supposed to play at the bubble bowl next week!

Squidward: The buh-buh-buh... The buh-buh-buh... The buh-buh-buh...?! 

Squilliam: That's right. I'm living your dreams, Squidward. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it. So, I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.

Squidward: Oh, uh, I, uhh...

Squilliam: I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the cash register at the Krusty Krab now.

Squidward: Hold it! It just so happens that I don't sell fast food, I do have a band, and we're gonna play in the-

Patrick (from outside): AUEUEUEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Squidward: Jolts and stubs his tentacle on his kitchen table, which is shown horribly cut up in graphic detail while Squidward jumps in pain for 10 seconds OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW THAT STUPID IDIOT I’M GONNA-

Squilliam: Good luck with the Bubble Bowl, Squidward! You’re gonna need it. Hangs up

Squidward: Oh Neptune, how am I gonna make a new marching band before the bubble bowl? What am I gonna do?

SpongeBob: Suddenly in Squidward’s house I’ll join your band, Squidward!

Squidward: AHHHH-SPONGEBOB, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?

SpongeBob: I just wanted to smell your living room! Sniffs ahhhhh, it smells so great when you just played your clarinet with your amazing clarinet skills! Your band is gonna be soooo good, especially with me on it!

Squidward: Sigh I guess I’m desperate enough to take you on. Fine, SpongeBob, just be at the Krusty Krab with an instrument tomorrow night.

SpongeBob: Got it, Squidward!

Patrick (Who is also suddenly now in Squidward’s house): And I can be the lead singer! Begins trying to make dead animal sounds again

Squidward: Stops Patrick from making his sounds again No thanks, we don’t need a singer.

Squidward proceeds to bring flyers across all of Bikini Bottom inviting the citizens to join his band. Practice starts at 8:00 PM at the Krusty Krab, because for some reason every season 7 episode needs to make sure the Krusty Krab is in it. He explains what the point of the band is, and begins asking about what instruments people are going to play.

SpongeBob: Does my penis count?

Squidward: No.

(Note: This scene was cut from the episode and has never actually been seen. The only reason we know it exists is because of an edit to the List of Deleted Scenes page by an anonymous user on the SpongeBob Wikia who added it to the list. This is a very reliable source, so we do know it really did exist)

Patrick: I’m gonna play the Mayonnaise.

Squidward: Patrick, that’s not an instrument!

Patrick (Holding a jar of Mayonnaise): Yes it is! Opens the jar of Mayonnaise and proceeds to eat it in the grossest possible way, burping loudly after every time he swallows some of the mayonnaise. This scene goes on for 50 seconds with nothing else happening during that time.

Squidward: …so anyway, let’s try starting to play our instruments. Try to repeat after me Plays a bad note on his clarinet Okay, everyone else, try to play what I just did.

The rest of the band plays terribly, with SpongeBob in particular doing really badly with his drumming

Squidward: SpongeBob…what was that? How does that sound ANYTHING LIKE MUSIC???

SpongeBob: I just copied what you did Squidward! It really captured that nice, unique quality of your clarinet playing!

Squidward: GRRRRRRR…..

The first day didn’t go so well, but hopefully day two goes better, when they do an actual marching performance.

Squidward: Okay, that's perfect, everybody! Bubble Bowl, here we come! Flag twirlers, really spin those things! Okay, turn! Flag twirlers, let's go, I wanna see some spinning! 

Police Officer: Do you have a license to be running a marching band here?

Squidward: Um….Yes

Police Officer: Can you show your license?

Squidward: Well, I…..um…..left it at home.

Police Officer: Hmm. Interesting….

The flag twirlers spin so hard that they lose grip of the flags and accidentally throw them at the police officer, the flags falling to the ground afterward.

Police Officer: Litter! We can’t be having that here. This marching band is being shut down! Gives a $10000 fee to Squidward for littering

Squidward: GRRRRRRRR…..

Day Three:

Squidward: How's that harmonica solo coming, Plankton?

Plankton: It's tremendous! You wanna see?

Plankton begins playing the harmonica, playing it perfectly despite his small size. There is no joke, fuck you, this is season 7. However, this is not the real Plankton, it’s a robot clone of him while the real Plankton sneaks into Mr. Krab’s office and blows up the safe, taking the secret formula for himself. This almost works, until a loud sound from the instruments causes him to fall over.

Mr Krabs: Noticing the sound of Plankton falling PLANKTONNNNNNNNNN GET BACK HERE WITH ME FORMULAR

This causes chaos throughout the Krusty Krab, while Mr Krabs chases Plankton, instruments are damaged or the people are injured, and people keep fighting each other.

Patrick: I’ll help you, Mr Krabs! With my special technique: He “plays” the mayonnaise, which doesn’t help in any way.

Squidward tries to get everyone to calm down, but eventually Plankton and Mr Krabs end up near Squidward, who ends up getting thrown into the kitchen and into the fryer, where he gets horribly burnt.

Squidward: Typical.

Day 4:

Squidward: Okay everyone, now let’s practice this section of the s-

Patrick: I’m hungry! I need food!

Squidward: It can wait until-

Patrick: NO! NOW!!!

Squidward Sigh SpongeBob, can you make us all krabby patties as a food break?

SpongeBob: Sure thing Squidward! He makes Krabby Patties and hands them out to everyone.

Mr Krabs: Hey wait a minute, why isn’t anyone payin' for our Krabby Patties???

Squidward: Well Mr. Krabs, I did say we would provide free food for everyone-

Mr Krabs: But it’s MY restaurant! These people need to pay! Otherwise I’m losing money! Runs over to a person eating a Krabby Patty You sir, you need to pay right now!

Incidental 89: No I don’t, it’s free!

Mr Krabs: No it’s NOT! Rips patty from the fish’s hands And you’re not getting this back unless you pay!

Patrick: Wait, are we doing a food fight? FOOD FIGHT!!!! 

This ends up escalating into a huge fight between everyone, with people throwing food all over the place, attacking people with their instruments, and so on. Eventually, the entire Krusty Krab is destroyed, and everyone sees Squidward sadly staring at them.

Squidward: Well, you did it. You took my one chance at happiness... and crushed it. Crushed it into little, tiny, bite-sized pieces! I really had expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for that, too. Don't bother showing up tomorrow... I'll just tell them you couldn’t make it. So, thanks! Thanks for nothing!

SpongeBob: What kind of monsters are we? Squidward just wanted us to be a good band for the bubble bowl, to beat his arch-rival, and all we did was refuse to learn, and fight each other. We need to make it up to him and become the great band he wanted us to be!

The next day, Squidward is sadly walking over to the entrance to the bubble bowl.

Squidward: I should’ve known I couldn’t do it. I’m gonna have to tell them they need a different band. I just hope that……SQUILLIAM DOESN’T FIND OUT!

Squilliam is on the other side of the cave entrance, watching Squidward.

Squidward: Squilliam, what are you doing here?

Squilliam: I wanted to watch you blow it, Squiddy. So, where’s your band?

Squidward: They…..um……couldn’t make it.

Squilliam: Then who’s that? Pointing behind Squidward

Squidward: That would BE MY BAND???

SpongeBob: Hi Squidward! We’re ready for the performance! Staring at Squidward in a way like he wants to fuck him

Squilliam: What’s with that guy?

Squidward: That’s his….um…..that’s how he always is.

Squilliam laughs while Squidward looks down in despair, fearing that the performance would be a disaster. They enter a platform with a glass bowl over it, which rises up to enter the middle of a football stadium on land, which is created using absolutely terrible CGI. CGI that’s somehow even worse than THE TERRIBLE CGI.

Mr Krabs: Wow. I never knew the land above water looked so ugly.

SpongeBob: Or that the humans were so loud.

Patrick: Woah, this is some tasty looking mayonnaise!

Squidward: PATRICK! This is the land you buffoon!

Patrick: Oh. Wait, what’s mayonnaise again?

Squidward: GRRRRRRR…..

Announcer: Okay, football fans, put your hands together for the Bikini Bottom Super Band! 

Squidward: Okay, everybody... glances at Squilliam, who grins smugly Let's get this over with. One, two, three…. four…..

The performance is a disaster. The music is just a horrible loud cacophony of sounds, and they barely even get to play any music before they stop playing because of how awful it is. The crowd erupts in roars of pain before boo’ing them. Squilliam is literally on the floor uncontrollably laughing, while Squidward is so stunned at how awful it was that he can’t even move. It was so bad that the band itself exploded, with the instruments completely destroyed and half the fish being taken away on a stretcher due to how injured they are.

Squilliam (after finally finishing laughing): Even I wasn’t expecting your band to be so awful, Squidward! That’s almost impressive! Well, luckily my own band is here to save the day!

Squilliam’s band performs a song named Sweet Victory, which is different from our own universe’s Sweet Victory. This song is actually super mid, and no one really cares about it, but in the episode itself, everyone loves it and considers it amazing. 

Sandy: See Squidward, this is why you should NEVER try to follow your dreams! It never works out at all and always ends up failing! So it’s better to just not try at all!

Squidward tears up partway through the performance in sadness about how bad his band ended up being and how much Squilliam beat him, yet again. A policeman appears and asks Squidward if his clarinet is his, and when Squidward says it is, the policeman confiscates and destroys his clarinet, and sentences him to six years of community service for how horrible his performance was. This causes Squidward to cry even more, but this is interrupted by Patrick suddenly feeding him some of his mayonnaise, causing Squidward’s own head to explode, while the rest of his body is taken away in a stretcher. The episode ends with Squilliam jumping up in the air in happiness, like how our version of Band Geeks ends with Squidward.

Well, there you have it. That’s how Band Geeks is like in that universe. It truly is a Season 7 episode, that’s for sure, with many “beloved” Season 7 features like Squid Abuse, annoying Patrick, unfunny jokes, an unneeded Plankton trying to steal the formula subplot, random grossout that didn’t need to be included, and a terrible Sandy moral. The episode became very infamous among SpongeBob fans, being known for being one of the worst episodes of the series. The episode gave Mr. Enter depression for five days, was listed as “SCUMBOB” by PieGuyRulz, peaked at #4 on SBC’s Worst Episode List, and is the fifth lowest rated episode of the series on SBM. 

Oddly enough though, it actually initially had a quite positive reception on tv.com. Many users praised the episode upon its airing, with many saying it was a return to form and even as good as pre-movie classics like Pizza Delivery and Stuck in the Wringer. User jjsthekid said it was one of the funniest episodes in recent times, and user Wumbo said he loved the mayonnaise gags. User JCM said that he was shocked that they managed to make a better Squilliam episode than his introductory episode “Squilliam”. Clappy said that he liked the song a lot, and Sebby said that it was one of the best episodes of the whole show. I have showed jjs his former comment regarding the episode and this is what he had to say:

Jjs: what the fuck

[Fa]

Here's an Alternate version of my first spin-off, My Leg!, where I ripped off took inspiration from Ace Attorney and made Fred a lawyer. It was fun to revisit my teenage writings and come full circle with my spin off journey.

 

Episode 55: What If… Fred didn’t break his leg? (An Alternate retelling of My Leg!: The Adventures of Fred the Fish)

“Rev up those fryers, cause I’m sure ready for-” Fred the Fish said as he walked into the Krusty Krab.

Squidward – “Sir, we’re closed. Our greaser has malfunctioned, so we can’t serve food for the time being.”

“Oh nuts, that’s a real shame!” Fred said as he walked out of the Krusty Krab. Unbeknownst to everyone, this dramatically changed the course of history. 

 

The Krusty Krab continued its monopoly on the Bikini Bottom food industry, expanding into multiple franchises thanks to a healthy investment from a venture capitalist named George Gillington. Due to the greaser not working, the fryers were never tripped to flip and fry SpongeBob to a crisp. He continues in his role as head fry cook to this day, turning down multiple promotions due to wanting to “maintain work life balance” and “continue to jelly fish when I can” according to the Sponge himself. 

Due to wanting to spend his day counting his money, owner Eugene Krabs made Squidward Tentacles the CFO of the Krusty Foods enterprises. Due to his ego being mildly satiated, Mr. Tentacles never conspired with Plankton to close the Krusty Krab or enter the field of Criminal Law. He remains to this day “mildly mediocre” according to performance evaluations by Eugene.

Fred, not having broken his leg, didn’t face the crippling healthcare system of the Bikini Bottom and was free to continue his life. Unlike those aforementioned, Fred had far less success. He remained in Bikini Bottom instead of relocating to New Kelp, but unfortunately the Not so Great Recession had begun and contracted his role as a medieval re-enactor due to widespread cuts among the humanities. He attempted a return to college, having never received a bachelor’s degree, trying to receive it in economics as he foolishly thought maybe he could stop the pain. This ended after merely one lesson:

Fred - “What if we just evenly gave out money instead of letting the really rich people take it all?”

The professor merely laughed at him for forty five more minutes before alerting King Neptune’s secret police force about the dissenter. Fred was arrested and re-educated, and by this I mean the tickle belt was forced on him until he recanted his idealism after two hours. He was released shortly after. Worst of all, he still had to repay his student loans in full! After the torture, Fred decided to relocate far away from any big city and it’s crushing economic realities. After receiving a letter in the mail from a “Senor Fishstic”, Fred arrived at what he believed to be Croissant Bay, a refuge for fish from the big city with small town feels. However, as he arrived he could instantly tell it was not what it seemed as the theming seemed more Mexicana than French. “Senor Fishstic” greeted him at the buoy.

 

“Fishstic” — Hola senor, welcome to uhhh…. Oh, wrong script.

Fred — What the hell? I thought this was a sophisticated island, not a siesta! I guess in fairness, Monsieur would’ve been more accurate for the French elite.

“Fishstic” — Ok look, this is actually known as Karate Island but that doesn’t really attract all that many visitors so I have to shake the theming up every… now and then.

Fred — This is fraud! I’m going to expose you!

“Fishstic” —- Ok, look I’ll let you live here for free if you say nothing and help me recruit more vic —- err cust — VISITORS!

Fred — Fine, but I am not happy about this!

 

“Fishstic” had him sign a contract to solidify the arrangement, although Fred only scanned the big words because who reads a contract in full any more? Fred didn’t feel all that good about being a glorified tour guide, but he accepted it rather than being left out on the streets. The one really concerning thing is that people who came never seemed to leave or at least Fred didn’t see them go. Fred became a confidant of “Fishstic” (he never gave Fred his real name, so that was what he called him) so one day he felt bold enough to ask.

 

Fred —- Mr. Fishstic sir?

“Fishstic” —- Please, call me Tic. What is it my boy?

Fred —- I was wondering where people go after coming here, I almost never see them leave it seems.

“Fishstic” — Why, they live here of course! They live and breathe Karate after visiting… or baking…. Or geopolitical war games…

Fred — But then why don’t I ever see them?

“Fishstic” (looking gravely at Fred) — Why if I told you that, I’d have to kill you! (then begins to laugh manically) No I am kidding you, just don’t worry about it Freddie!

 

Several months after this conversation….

 

Fred (to himself) — I still feel uneasy about everything. I don’t know how much longer I can keep this going.

Fred picked up new guests from the Bikini Bottom Buoy station this morning. One was a fish dressed in a worn jacket and the other was a squirrel.

??? — Good morning sir, I’m Jack FishShoe, homicide detective.

Sandy — And I’m Sandy Cheeks, Karate master. I’m assisting the detective here in a special capacity.

Fred (to himself)  — What an odd pairing (aloud) What are you two doing here?

Jack — I’ve heard reports of people disappearing on this island and never returning. This potentially could be homicides, so we’re not holding back here. I’ve recruited Sandy here in order to ascertain if the karate here is legitimate.

Fred — Well I can almost guarantee it’s not. It’s just a scam to sell people houses here, but I never see them come and go. I’m really suspicious and when I asked the boss about it, he just deflected it.

Jack and Sandy appeared amazed and scared at the same time.

Jack — Wow, this was really helpful and convenient of us to run into you! Can you help us arrest him?

Fred — Sure, but only if you help me find a house afterwards.

Sandy — Sure, you can live in the treedome!

 

Many Hours Later….

FishShoe, Sandy, and Jack got a small arsenal of tommy guns, machine guns and several biological weapons and prepared to raid Karate Island’s main island. There was surprisingly little actual security as the moment anyone aimed a gun in the direction of any guard, they immediately surrendered. They ascended the tower and found Senor Fishstic at the top.

“Fishstic” — Congratulations on ascending Gangland tower! You won a free car!

Jack — What!? No, we’re not participants! I’m here to arrest you for murder!

Fred — And I’m here because I’m tired of working under your shady business practices!

Sandy — And I’m here to fulfill obligatory main character cameo logistics!

“Fishstic” — Freddie, how could you betray me like this! Noooooooo…. But it’s too late because I have been keeping a secret from you as well. Those people aren’t being living here still… they’ve become...

“Fishstic” then unzipped his costume to reveal…

All three (unison) — PLANKTON!

Somehow, Plankton had returned.

Plankton — That’s right! After being run out of business by Krabs, I decided the only way to enact revenge was… selling timeshares on an island nobody could visit! But nobody wanted any, so I just turned them into chum instead when they got to the top of the tower instead.

Jack — Truly vile! You're going downtown… after we get into the boat and get back to Bikini Bottom which is upstream but uhhm you get the idea.

Plankton (chuckles heartily) — I don’t think so. Chum bots, activa-

Walking out of the room behind Plankton, comes Patrick Star grasping the severed heads of multiple sophisticated robots with an enraged look on his face.

Patrick — No fair, I wanted more chili! This island promised me unlimited chili and none of those robots had any in them! What a scam, I’m going home!

Patrick sulks off, completely unaware of anything else actually going in the main storyline.

Fred (to himself) — Why do I get the odd feeling that’s not the first time that’s happened. (aloud) Finally, it’s over.

Plankton — That’s right… for you!

Plankton then reveals the contract Fred signed months earlier had a very, very small print clause that says “I, Fred the fish, hereby take accountability for all the murders that took place on this island.”

Jack — Welp, that’s ironclad. Looks YOUR going downtown Freddie!

Fred — DEUUEAUGH, DEUUEAUGH, DEUUEAUGH, DEUUEAUGH! How could this happen to me? Poor little old me.

Jack — This is a well written legal contract with no loopholes. Maybe you should’ve studied law instead.

 

Sandy injected Fred with a nerve agent for some degree of police brutality that must occur per arrest and was fascinated by the results, having never actually done it herself. Years later, she would become known as Cheeks the Gnawer for kidnapping innocent fish to subject to experiments involving these insanity agents before eventually being caught. She was found not guilty by insanity thanks to an evil defense attorney.

 

Fred was sentenced to life in prison, forced to eat the chum he turned “his” victims into daily as punishment. Plankton never was arrested for his crimes, but his computer wife Karen divorced him and took the Island in the settlement. These cases illustrate the immorality the criminal justice of Bikini Bottom had descended into… all because one fish did not break his leg.

 

(Law and Order ending theme plays)

[Bob Carotte]

Episode 56: What If...SBC Hosted the Kids Choice Awards?

Québécois narrator: Ahh, it’s a slow Sunday on SBCcord, let’s see what the members are up to. Huh, it looks very quiet on here…wait jjs is typing!
jjs: Guys! I got some great news, you will never believe this!
Steel: Did Julie Kavner retire?
Prez: Dman bought the newest Jackbox pack?
Winter: Are you banning people for posting pizzas for the sake of torturing me on SBC?
jjs: Nothing to do with any of these though it would be very nice to have more Jack games.
SOF: What is it then???
jjs: So I got a last minute call from Nickelodeon executives they told me they can’t host the Kids Choice Awards in LA because Kim Jong Un nuked a good part of the city and it will take many months to rebuild the venue so they told us, as the biggest SpongeBob fansite, to host it online!
Carotte: We still don’t know the nominees though. Will we nominate them ourselves?
jjs: Yes we can and we can even add new categories but they told us to mostly use the already existing categories, even the ones that weren’t used in years. 
Winter: I think I have a few good ideas.
jjs: Let’s get to work, the deadline to submit our nominations to the public is in exactly two weeks, then they will have one month to vote.
Québécois narrator: Two weeks later…
jjs: Nominees are posted on the website! Can’t wait to see the results.
Québécois narrator: One month later…
Today is the day, this year’s Kids Choice Awards are hosted on SBCcord. Thousands of people are tuning in and many nominees even joined the server.
Carotte: Whoa, it’s crazy to see SBCcord with over 30k members, even the Smiling Friends joined!
Winter: I feel like this will be the craziest KCA ceremony I’ve ever seen just by looking at the nominees.
jjs: Alright I will start this soon. To avoid flooding the chat everyone but the hosts and the winners will be unable to send messages in the official KCA ceremony channel. 
WhoBob: I’ve never been so invested in these awards.
jjs: *clears throat* Good evening everyone and welcome to the Kids' Choice Awards! Tonight, we're honoured to be your hosts for one of the biggest celebrations of the year. Our community began as a place for SpongeBob fans, and over the years it has grown into one of the most popular SpongeBob fan communities anywhere even if we don’t really talk about SB anymore, but we are still united as ever. Tonight, we'll celebrate your favorite nominees, reveal the winners you've helped choose, and enjoy an unforgettable evening together. Ladies and gentlemen...the Kids' Choice Awards, hosted by SBC, begin now!

NOTE TO READERS: Suppose the crowd on Discord are always reacting with clap and other cheering emotes after each winner is announced unless stated otherwise, I’m too lazy to type “(crowd sends clap emote)” for every category.

jjs: We’ll start this ceremony with the category: FAVORITE MOVIE! Here are the nominees:

[Favorite Movie: Search for SquarePants, The Room Returns!, KPOP Demon Hunters, Green Book: The Sequel]

jjs: And the winner is…(drum rolls)
Québécois narrator: 5 minutes later…
jjs: (still drum rolling) 
WhoBob: Hurry up! I’m not staying up all night for this!
jjs: Oh sorry I just wanted to make the first winner announcement more dramatic. So the best movie of the year is…SEARCH FOR SQUAREPANTS! (the crowd reacts with thousands of clapping emotes but another thousand react with thumbs down)
Carotte: MY BIG GUY IS A WINNER!!!
SOF: Damn I thought KPOP Demon Hunters was a clear winner.
jjs: Let’s say I did not expect this winner at all, oh well. Now I’ll pass the microphone to one of my assistant hosts, Carotte!
Carotte: Hey people! I’m here to announce your FAVOURITE animated show. Yes I know the category is spelled “FAVORITE” since it’s an American show but still, I wanna spell it the British, or Canadian way! Well here it is!

[Favorite Animated Show: SpongeBob SquarePants, Smiling Friends, The Simpsons, The Incest House]

Carotte: Our 22nd time winner SpongeBob is nominated yet again! Will he keep the winning streak or is it gonna be a different winner??? Your FAVOURITE cartoon is…(drums roll) SMILING FRIENDS! (people react with Smiling Friends emotes)
(The Smiling Friends join the chat)
Charlie: Uh so we actually won this award? Thanks I guess..
Pim: OH MY GOD, thank you SO much to everyone who voted for us, we really appreciate it. I’m so proud we are making you people smile with our shenanigans!
Allan: Unbelievable, we beat SpongeBob.
Glep: Bmfkpadmpefieojedsijaduash, diudwdhaiduwu! Uijiodopwudoiudiiwdinc jswjiiasiai wuwueuefhdi!!!
jjs: Guys, before you go I have a surprise for you!
Pim: Ooohh what is it-
(jjs slimes the Smiling Friends)
Pim: Yay! I always dreamed of being slimed!
Glep: Bnjdhbdjdmkke!
jjs: Now let’s get to the next category, the Funny TV Shows! I’m looking at the nominees and I just can’t pick a winner if they asked me to do it, so let’s see what the public has decided.

[Favorite Funny TV Show: Henry yrneH, Fullest House, Gary the Snail’s Funeral: The Series, Modern Depressed Luigi]

jjs: And the blimp goes to…GARY THE SNAIL’S FUNERAL: THE SERIES! (crowd reacts with sad face, snail and gun reacts)
Nugs: This show inspired by our dumb episode idea won an award, this is not a drill.
jjs: We are proud of its success! 
(cut to OWM)
OWM: Because of time constrains, I was asked to tell you the winners of these smaller categories real quick. Here I go, ahem…

• Favorite Butt Kicker: FLATS THE FLOUNDER, he was the only nominee so he is the winner by default.
• Cutest Couple: ALLAN X NATASHA from Smiling Friends, the other nominees were jjs x Carotte, SpongeBob x Squidward and jjs x WhoBob…seems like jjs attracts many men

jjs: Well um I sure do  but that’s a topic for another day.
OWM: Alright let’s continue!

• Favorite Sidekick: ERIC from the Canadian cartoon Sidekick…of course people voted him because he is literally a sidekick. A couple of SBCers were among the nominees: Jaic (Bob Carotte) and Prez (the 91X crew) as well as the former winner Patrick Star (SpongeBob).
• Favorite Sportz Team: NEW YORK KNICKS. The most recent NBA champions beat Toronto Blue Jays, Philadelphia Eagles and Montreal Canadiens. It’s also a very popular team among us SBCers and we’re glad they finally won this title after so many years of failure.

Salmon: OG ANUNOBY I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!!!

OWM:

• Favorite Sportz Star: SAM DARNOLD, the quarterback of the Super Bowl champions Seattle Seahawks, who beat Jalen Brunson (NBA), Kylian Mbappé and Lionel Messi (both FIFA)...if only G4ry was here to celebrate.
• Favorite Simpsons meme: HOMER SHAKE! The other nominees were BREEEEAKFAASSST!, What can you do? and That’s right! It’s funny how each Simpson family member barring Maggie got a nomination!

Homer Simpson: WOO-HOO! I FINALLY WON A BLIMP AFTER ALL THESE YEARS OF LOSING TO THIS DAMN SPONGE!!! (gets slimed) Wha…(licks it) mmmm it tastes like mint donuts…
OWM: And finally, Best Gamer: Our nominees dmandaman, Prez, Wintermelon and DarknessSG showed a lot of competitiveness in our SBC games but who takes the blimp home? 
WhoBob: Grrr I was robbed here!
OWM: The winner is…PREZ!!!
Prez: Nice, I really didn’t expect myself to win it! To celebrate, I will buy the newest Jackbox pack, stay tuned for a potential Jackbox marathon this summer!
jjs: Thank you OWM. Who’s ready for our next award? Some of our favorite characters come to life thanks to these incredible performers and now it’s time to celebrate them! Here are the nominees for Favorite Voice Actor!

[Favorite Voice Actor: Hank Azaria, Julie Kavner, Seth McFarlane, Tom Kenny]

jjs: I’m also gonna post clips for each voice actor to appreciate their work.

These are the clips shown for each nominee:
-    Hank Azaria: ”Thank you Bart, I needed that today.”, followed by a clip of Apu speaking that is quickly censored and you can hear Lisa Simpson’s voiceover “What can you do?”
-    Julie Kavner: Clips from the most recent seasons where Marge sounds like she smokes more than her sisters)
-    Seth McFarlane: Peter Griffin singing Madonna’s song Ray of Light
-    Tom Kenny: The scene from Sheldon SquarePants when SpongeBob confesses he wears a clip-on tie.

jjs: The winner is…JULIE KAVNER! Unfortunately she could not attend this ceremony as she lost her voice while recording an episode Now, who’s ready for our next award?? Now I will present Favorite Song!

[Favorite Song: Golden (KPOP Demon Hunters), Big Guy (Ice Spice), Lighter (Jelly Roll), Homer Shake (The Simpsons)]

jjs: I gotta say this was a close one, it won by 0.1%. Are you ready to find out who barely came out on top? The Favorite Song award goes to…BIG GUY BY ICE SPICE! (crowd reacts with mixed emotes again)
Ice Spice: (sends a video of her and SpongeBob dancing Big Guy and she begins to twerk until she is slimed, by green stuff of course)
jjs: Now my friend Winter will present the SpongeBob/SBC related categories. Remember this is a SpongeBob fansite so we were allowed to include categories of our own. 
Winter: Um I don’t really know what else to say here as time is ticking but here are the winners! (sends images with the winners and nominees)

[Favorite SpongeBob Wiki Page: BLOOD, Smashed potatoes that look like Squidward, Squeaky the Balloon, The square and triangle that form that house]

[Favorite Scrapped SpongeBob Episode: DJ PATRICK, SpongeBob Joins Guns N’ Roses, Gary’s Feces and Who Shot Mr. Krabs?]

[Favorite SBC Meme: SANDY GETS HIT BY A CAR, I’m gonna beat Arlo with hammers, What can you do?, And start calling me president!]

jjs: Last but not least, we will also recognize the people who showed their talent as content creators. Let’s see the nominees!

[Favorite Creator: Bob Carotte, Awe, dmandaman, MustardPregnancy]

jjs: And the blimp belongs to… AWE!!! (people react with the running emote and 6 7 as they reference one of his video thumbnails “RUN IF YOU ARE SLOP”)
Awe: Very happy with the award, I hope you agree Old SpongeBob would never get along with Modern SpongeBob.
jjs: And that’s a wrap! Congratulations to all of tonight’s winners and nominees and thank you to everyone who voted. Good evening!
 

THE END