SBC What If's

[WinterArcanine]

This universe is so fucking stupid and hateful. Most of the world is full of dumbasses, we’re going backwards, and there are more and more wars, all because everyone just fucking hates each other. What a shitty universe. Or is it? Because what if I told you, if you ranked all infinite universes by how petty and hateful they are, your universe is actually in the top 15%? Yeah, somehow, your universe is a bit better than the average one. Isn’t that sad? Well, do you want to see what the average universe looks like? Let’s see what it looks like, as we ponder the question of: What If?

Episode 17: What if... We found out what Stephen Hillenburg truly wanted?

Quick note before the episode begins. This episode takes place in the future, so most characters are descendants of SBC members (and a couple are based on SpongeBob youtubers). Therefore, the names are different but based on the people they're a descendent of. But I imagine other people won't instantly know who is who, so here is a list of what every character is referencing, in chronological order, so you can understand what every character is based on. I recommend only using this when you don't know who a character is, to prevent spoilers.

Spoiler

HawkbitSigma: HawkbitAlpha

President Squidward: President Squidward

President Squidward: President Squidward

President Squidward: President Squidward

President Squidward: President Squidward

Applausy: Clappy

jjsthe9thoutof11kids: jjsthekid/jjsgoodman

Wumbo: Wumbo

DoctorSponge: WhoBob

StarryFace: QuasarianBlaze (SquiddyFace) (OBAB)

Stone Sponge: Steel Sponge

Zee: Ex

ParticipationAward: Trophy

palpitoadthemaflote: mythix

danganropathetotaldramaisland: mythix

veemontheveemonly: mythix

LockedDoorManiac: OWM

ClosedWindowManiac: OWM

PaperCha: Cha

SpongeLoudFan: SOF (SpongeOddFan)

WinterLuxray: WinterArcanine

WinterArcanine: WinterArcanine

Intrancity: Intrancity

ZaidCarGod: Zaid (Name is a pun on ZaidCatDog)

sdl: sbl

Aweful: Awe

Crystal: Ember

PenBaz: BenPaz

PatFront: PatBack

DadMom HappyPants: DadMom AngryPants (DMAP)

Fug: g4ry

BobCucumber: BobCarotte

El Jaico: Jaic

Dishonest Slug: Honest Slug

Dedeklu: Klu

4EverPurple: 4EverGreen

Spearyena: FletcherQuil (Spear) (RDSP)

LightDG: DarknessDG

Dino: Salmon

TheLocalLander: TheLocalAquatic (Kieran)

Meepeem: Meep

CupCake: CakeCup

dewomandawoman: dmandaman

Hippythethreebears: hippythehippo

Tea_Hater: Coffee_Lover

Newtreefan: Newleaffan

FineDiner: FinnDinner

Pink: Purple

The year is 2177. The world is a dystopian hellhole. Why? Because no one can agree on what Stephen Hillenburg wanted. Did he approve of the spin-offs? Or was he against them ever happening? No one truly knows, but everyone fights over it (except perhaps the fabled land of Ultrastunting Force 51, ruled by the great HawkbitSigma, but no one even knows if that place is real or not). The world is divided into two sides, each based on what Hillenburg wanted. All around the world, there are fights daily. The world is complete chaos, and it has been for over 150 years. What Hillenburg wanted is truly the only thing anyone cares about. Trump was on pace to win the 2024 election, but after a video was leaked where Trump admitted he kinda likes The Patrick Star Show, everyone rioted, and he lost in a landslide. 

And even now, things are just as chaotic as ever. In 2175, the president of the United States, President Squidward, was assassinated, and replaced with the new president, President Squidward. President Squidward was then assassinated in 2176, and replaced with President Squidward. President Squidward was then assassinated and replaced with President Squidward, just three days ago.

At the SBC (Scientific Breakthrough Center), a lot of scientific research happens, and it is one of the only places in the world focusing on improving the world, rather than fighting against each other. Ran by Applausy and jjsthe9thoutof11kids (usually known as jjs), the center is the successor of an ancient forum named The SpongeBob Community. And this center also may have made the most important invention of all time…..

“MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I HAVE FINALLY DONE IT! I HAVE FINALLY MANAGED TO RESURRECT A DEAD PERSON! SPEAK WUMBO, SPEAK!” DoctorSponge exclaimed.

“Why did you Yahoos revive me??? I was enjoying being dead," Wumbo asked.

“Ok, fine. I just needed to revive you as a test anyway." DoctorSponge said.

“Any final words?” StarryFace asked.

“Cherry Cheese Cake." Wumbo said, before his life was ended once again.

“We need to tell jjs about this, this could solve the Hillenburg conflict once and for all!” StarryFace exclaimed.

“Yes, we need to tell everyone right away and decide what exactly to do. We still need to figure out where Hillenburg’s grave is, and we need to decide who should be the one to get the truth." DoctorSponge said.

Later that night, the entire center met in the meeting room to discuss what should be done.

“I can’t believe this thing is working. We may have finally found a way to figure out the truth and end this insanity!” jjs said.

“Now all we need is to know where Hillenburg was buried. We still have no idea how to actually find him." Stone Sponge said.

“Actually, that’s not entirely true. I figured out who knows the location of Hillenburg," Zee said; Everyone was shocked.

“How long have you known this information???” ParticipationAward asked.

“About a month, but I have no idea how we’ll get them to share that information. But it’s a start at least." Zee said.

“So, who should be the one to ask Hillenburg for the information? Who deserves to be able to get that the most?” DoctorSponge asked.

Instantly, everyone looked at palpitoadthemaflote. They all knew she deserved it more than anyone else. When she was young, her parents, danganropathetotaldramaisland and veemontheveemonly, had been murdered by the LockedDoorManiac, who had noticed their door was locked and broke in to murder them. Ever since then, she had been an orphan, and it was her life dream to figure out the truth, and to end the conflict and chaos caused by this mystery. Everyone knew she should be the one to figure out the truth first. 

“Well, that settles it. palpitoadthemaflote will be the one to get this question answered once and for all.” jjs declared.

“Listen to me palpitoad. You need to figure out where Hillenburg’s body is, and then get the truth from him. And you need to do it as quickly as possible, with how dangerous the world is." said Applausy.

Suddenly, the ClosedWindowManiac broke in, and attacked PaperCha.

“Oh no, did we leave the window closed again?” said SpongeLoudFan.

“EVERYONE ATTACK!” Applausy yelled, and everyone defended the room from the maniac, trying to knock him out the now-opened window. 

“Here, this is the location Zee says the person who knows Hillenburg’s location is. Now get out of here quickly, before the ClosedWindowManiac can attack you!" Applausy demanded, before turning to fight the maniac. “We’ll be fine, just go!”

Palpitoadthemaflote quickly ran out of the building, and hurried to the location she was given. To her surprise, it ended up being in the middle of a forest, rather than a house or somewhere in a city. To her shock, a Luxray appeared right where the location was. She hadn’t even known pokemon existed!

“What are you doing in our land?” the Luxray asked.

“Oh, I heard you know where Stephen Hillenburg’s body is located. I was wondering if you could tell me where that is?" palpitoad asked.

“WHO TOLD YOU THAT?” the Luxray asked angrily. “Whatever, it doesn’t matter, the answer is no. Do you seriously think I can trust a random human with this information?”

“You can trust me," palpitoad said, before deciding to ask a question. “Also, just wondering, but who are you? I didn’t know Luxrays were even real."

“I’m WinterLuxray, and I’m one of the WinterPokemon. Our ancestor, WinterArcanine, tried to stop the Hillenburg war from happening, and to make the world a better place, but unfortunately humans are just too garbage of a species, and he never succeeded. Instead, he transformed into an Arcanine, and created a place for future WinterPokemon to live, away from the evils of humanity. Now fuck off. We don’t need you people here." WinterLuxray explained.

Palpitoad was surprised to hear a name she recognized. WinterArcanine had been a member of SBC, back before it was a scientific center. “I agree with you about humanity. Our species truly is awful. But I’m trying to fix that. I’m trying to stop this madness, and create a better world for everyone. But I need to know where Hillenburg is. It’s the only way to fix this.”

WinterLuxray refused to change his mind. “No. I don’t trust a single one of you with this information. It doesn’t matter how many times any of us tries to make this world any better, all it does is screw us over. This world isn’t fixable. All we want is a good world, and no one will ever allow for that. People don’t want to live well, they’d rather make others live like garbage.”

“Please, I really can end this war. We’ve invented a machine that can revive dead bodies and speak to them. We can get the truth and end this mystery once and for all. It’s the first time we’ve had this chance, and you just won’t let it happen? You want a good world, this is how we get it. End this war, and we’ll be able to help create a better world. For you. For me. For everyone. And all I need is this information."

She realized that WinterLuxray seemed teary-eyed. “Ok. Fine. If you think this can help end this insanity…..fine. He’s buried in the Encino Graveyard, where the park from Atlantis Squarepantis used to be. His grave doesn’t have a name on it. It’s next to the grave of Intrancity.”

“Thank you." palpitoad responded.

“You’re welcome," WinterLuxray said, before running away and out of sight.

Being from New Jersey, it took a long time for palpitoad to get to Encino. A fellow SBC member, ZaidCarGod, drove her over to Encino, but even then, it still took a long time. With how dangerous and dystopian the world is, it takes a long time to get anywhere. Eventually, she made it to Encino, and the place looked even more dystopian than expected. The place looked almost abandoned, the buildings were damaged, and it had a creepy vibe to it. Suddenly, she heard a TV from outside a building.

“BREAKING NEWS, COMING TO YOU LIVE FROM SBLNN”, SDL announced, the newscaster of the most popular news channel, SBLNN, and a descendent of the original owner, SBL. “The attack on Encino from one of PieGuyRulzVI’s leading armies continues, with 200 more people dead in the past week. They have continued their search for anyone who believes Hillenburg wanted spinoffs in an attempt to kill all of them. More news coming soon!”

Palpitoadthemaflote had no idea that this was happening. Scared, she looked behind her to see the army on the other side of the street.

“Well, well, well. I see there’s an SBC member present today.”, said Aweful, the leader of this army. “You think Hillenburg wanted the spin-off, don’t you? Well, we can’t have that, can we?”

“No, I don’t think that. He definitely didn’t want it!” But she was not very convincing. “Oh please, we all know the truth. You’re a very bad liar, you realize that?”

“Ok fine…..look, I don’t know what Hillenburg wanted. And you people are insane for thinking you could possibly know what a man who died over 150 years ago wanted!" palpitoad replied back.

“Claiming that you can’t know what he thought is as bad as pretending that he wanted the spinoffs. And you know what? It’s about time you died already. Alright guys, KILL HER!”

Palpitoadthemaflote had no choice but to fight back. Luckily, she had a lot of experience in fighting armies. She instantly kicked Aweful, and dodged an attack from another army member. The army fought back, but she was so good at battling. She punched Crystal, dodged an attack from PenBaz and retaliated back with a kick, tripped PatFront to the ground, and kept fighting them off, but she was simply too outnumbered. Eventually, DadMom HappyPants was able to get her onto the ground, and the army surrounded her and prepared to finish her off. 

Suddenly, they heard a yell. “FUCK YOU!” The PieGuy army looked over to see an army from an opposing group who believes Hillenburg wanted the spinoffs. They were another very powerful army, led by the legendary Fug. Now distracted, the PieGuy army ran over to the other army to fight. Palpitoad joined the opposing army to help fight off the army who had just tried to kill her. BobCucumber and El Jaico defeated Dishonest Slug, Dedeklu defeated 4EverPurple, Spearyena fittingly stabbed FineDiner with a spear. One by one, the army members were defeated. Dino defeated TheLocalLander, Meepeem defeated CupCake, dwomandawoman defeated hippythethreebears, Tea_Hater defeated Newtreefan. palpitoadthemaflote herself defeated LightDG and Pink. Fug was fighting tons of members at a time, and was doing very well. Unfortunately, he eventually ended up getting stabbed to death by Aweful. Knowing that they were going to lose, Aweful said “Well, we’ve slain the legendary Fug! I think we’ve done enough to them," and fled. Fug’s army members mourned their loss, and palpitoad really wanted to join then, but she didn’t have time. She had almost died, and she needed to make sure she got the truth before she died for real.

Finally, she made it to the Encino Graveyard. It was a very big graveyard, and it was full of many graves to search through. “Here lies JCM’s hopes and dreams" Nope, that’s not it. “Ssj4gogita4 is here4gogita4" Nope, not that either. Finally, she found a gravestone that said “The DIVINE Intrancity” and she saw the blank gravestone next to it. She dug up the grave and opened the tombstone to see Hillenburg’s dead body. She couldn’t believe that she was seeing the most important man in human history’s body for herself. She brought out the machine and revived the dead body, bringing Hillenburg back to life. Finally, she was gonna get the truth to everything!

“Hillenburg, the world needs to know. What is your thoughts on the SpongeBob spinoffs? Did you want them? Or were you against them existing?"

“Honestly, I just wanted it to be confirmed that Sandy Cheeks died in a car accident when she was just a younger squirrel." Hillenburg responded.

And he took out his Spongey Gun that no one knew he had, and shot himself in the head, destroying his brain and knocking his head off of his body, to ensure that no one ever woke him up from his death ever again.

[WhoBibbles]

Remember this, dear reader. The incident in 2017 on the forum SpongeBuddy Mania called “Homophobia: The Thread”, started by none other than the conservative christian DS Guy. He was notorious for justifying his own bigotry cuz the supposed lifestyle didn’t fit him as a christian. So why are we talking about this person in the year 2025? Well, there is a universe out there where he goes beyond being a bigoted christian. Oh no… you see, what he’s about to pull is gonna shock you to the core.

Episode 18: What If... DS Guy Tried to Resurrect Jesus?

It’s Earth-666, if that number was any indication that things are not what they seem, you would be right. It starts off 8 years after DS Guy pulled off his homophobia thread but unlike this universe’s DS Guy who supposedly changed his ways to not be a huge conservative head anymore, he decided to triple down on this server and started becoming the leader of some evangelical christians who believe Jesus is coming.

DS Guy: “MY DEAR CHRISTIANS, THE TIME HAS COME FOR JESUS CHRIST TO COME FROM HEAVEN AND GREET US. Those who don’t believe in our religion will perish as a result. If you don’t believe me, watch the iconic sequel to Left Behind which I directed! (except I couldn’t get Nicholas Cage this time…)”

Evangelist Rob: “Look at our courageous leader, Don. Never seen such a man with this much rizz.”

Evangelist Don: “Yeah, Rob. He’s gonna get them gyatts for real.”

DS Guy: We’ll show them losers what they came here for!!! Now let’s do this ritual (which is totally not un-christian) to summon our lord!

What people don’t know about this universe’s DS Guy is that he has been performing dark magic to do illusions to trick people into thinking it’s real. His powers have been getting stronger for 8 years and doing a Jesus illusion is something he might actually pull off.

DS Guy (in his mind): Yes, YESSS, my powers are working. Soon I’ll make these losers think I’m summoning Jesus. Then I’ll show the world my illusions and I’ll become rich and famous!

With his powers at the most height, he actually pulls it off and fake summons Jesus Christ or so he thinks so.

Evangelist Rob: “Gasp Don, our lord and savior is here at last!”

Evangelist Don: “Ikr, Rob, it is our glorious day!”

Jesus Christ: “yes my fellow leaders, It is I, Jesus Christ!”

DS Guy (in his mind): “HAHAHA my magic worked! but wait a minute, this isn’t an illusion, this is actually HIM!”

Jesus Christ: “and l come to tell you this message!”

DS Guy: “oh no…”

Jesus Christ: “You guys have been a bunch of losers who are following a corrupt af leader. He has been performing dark magic to do illusions. That bitch boy thought he could make an illusion out of me, he was WRONG! And shame on all of you for being crazy evangelists and shunning and bullying marginalized people this whole time. Jesus loves all. Jesus respects all religions that aren’t cults like this. I was a palestinian jewish for god’s sake. ”

DS Guy: “Oh my master, sorry for ever doubting you. Is there any revelation you can say about us? What is our lord saying?”

Jesus Christ: “well he’s saying a bunch of critiques about how the earth is filled with idiots. Also he and I agree on one thing. KAMP KORAL SUCKS ASS. Anyway bye bye, I just wanted to come back to own this fucker.”

DS Guy: “well I can’t wait to tell this to people.”

Evangelists: “This guy turned out to be bozo, LET’S GET HIM!!!”

And now these dumb evangelists are beating DS Guy’s ass. Everyone’s happy I guess in the end. Except DS Guy.

The End.

[dmandagiraffe]

...oh geez, am I late? I got so caught up in what I was doing, and the time just flew, and they wanted me to tell a story for episode 2 this season, and I don't wanna let them down, and...and......and we're on episode 3. Shit. Sorry folks, that's my bad. But enough of that, I'm here now and we have to talk. These last few weeks have been both very crazy and very busy. I never expected a simple trip out of the house to end like this, but here we are. This is a true (false) story. This happened to me (it didn't). What If...(I Stopped Narrating and Switched to Third Person)?

Episode 19: What If...dman and a Giraffe Were in a Band?

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It's your average winter's day in the south. The sky is overcast, the grass is yellow, and somehow it's still hot outside. Two people are in a car heading down a highway situated on a vast field.

dman: Are you sure you know how to get there?

dmom: Yeah look, it's just 10 miles down that way and we'll be at the zoo.

dman: You're holding the map upside down. 

dmom: ...goddammit.

dman: Great, now we're out in the middle of who knows where! Why the hell are you even using a paper map anyway?

dmom: I left my phone in the car.

dman: What

dmom: In dad's car.

dman: Oh, okay. I still don't understand how you keep forgetting to bring your phone though.

dmom: Sometimes it's on purpose! You know, limiting yourself on screens can get you a long way.

dman: Well, my screen will get us a long way to where we're actually supposed to be.

dmom: Fair.

dman: You keep driving, I'm gonna navigate. Okay, it looks like we can take an exit in a few miles that'll allow us to...

dmom: What is that?

dman: Hm?

dmom: Over there. Something big. It almost looks like it's heading our way, no?

dman: No kidding! Wow, I've never seen one run that fast.

dmom: You know what it is?

dman: Well yeah, it's a- SHIT! MOM, SLOW DOWN!!

dmom: OH FUCK

She slams on the brakes, but it's too late. Something jumps in front of the car and is hit at a considerable speed.

dmom: Oh my god, oh my god. Is it dead?

dman: I don't care about that, you almost hit the giraffe!

A giraffe is standing on the side of the road opposite the field. It's unscathed, albeit barely.

dmom: What in the...there was a giraffe here the whole time?

dman: Yeah, isn't that what you were seeing earlier?

dmom: No, I saw this giant cat out in the field! The same one I just hit with my car! What is it even doing out here?

dman: Eugh, a lion. The natural predator of the giraffe.

dmom: What are you, some kind of a giraffe expert?

dman: Something like that. stares directly at you, the reader, and winks

dmom: ...who are you looking at?

dman: Not who, what. There's a van heading our way, maybe they can help us out.

The van belongs to zoo management. It pulls up and couple of people step out.

Emergency Response 1: Yeah, uh, we're with the zoo down the street and I understand you have a dying animal on the premises.

dman: Oh please yes, take him awa- wait. Down the street?

dmom: Told you I knew how to get there.

Emergency Response 2: Ignore him, he's just joking. This animal is already dead.

dman & dmom: ...

Emergency Response 2: We're on the lookout for some escaped animals and you folks just stumbled across two of 'em. By any chance, have you also seen a zebra, a hippopotamus, or maybe some penguins?

dman: Sure! They've been appearing on my shorts feed nonstop. I like the one where the emperor chick trips and falls. Check it out!

dmom: Ooh, let me see!

Emergency Response 1: whispering I doubt these people will be of any help.

Emergency Response 2: Alright. turns back to dmom Since this event appears to be out of your control, the city will help with paying damages to your car.

dmom: Aw, but I wanted a new one!

Giraffe: grunt

dman: ...wait. Do that again.

Giraffe: groan

dman: Holy crap! Mom, listen, it sounds just like that one texture from the song we heard! Come on man, give us another!

Giraffe: silence

dman: Shoot.

Emergency Response 2: We'll be on our way with these fellers. Y'all didn't see anything, you hear?

dmom: Yes sir! Thank you, and sorry about the lion!

Emergency Response 1: Actually, we were just about to ship him to Africa but this makes the job easier for us. Toodles!

Somehow they fit the giraffe in the van as it grunts and groans a few more times. The van drives off, leaving the mother and son alone.

dman: Aaaaand pause. Sweet, those were the best ones yet!

dmom: You were recording them?? We're supposed to be keeping hush-hush about this!

dman: Don't worry, I only did it for the giraffe sounds. They've struck me with the greatest feeling of all...inspiration!

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And so, I got to work. Using a plethora of samples alongside the giraffe noises, I finally had the opportunity to do what I've wanted to do for years: produce my own electronica. I've been returning to that same zoo a lot lately to record more vocals from my new friend, and in due time we released our debut single, "Ahem, Giraffe", under the Dman & Giraffunkel moniker. Our next song is already in the works, and let me tell you, you guys are NOT READY for it. I'll just say that somehow the giraffe managed to learn how to play a xylophone. (You should come and see him, he's pretty good!) As for what comes after that, nothing's set in stone yet. We might try to net a few insurance commercials, and I've heard they're already considering us for the Zookeeper 2 soundtrack, but we'll see if those ever pan out. In the meantime, we'll be climbing our way up as the newest underground act on the animal-based house scene, and making plenty of music in the upcoming months to make up for my lateness on this episode. Toodles!

(Also, if you're wondering how my mom and I got home, we were eventually rescued by, oh...let's say...Steel Sponge.)

[Jjs Goodman]

Ask Me’s were once one of SBC’s most popular thread fads, where you could ask your friends any question, no matter how ridiculous. They have since mostly faded away and become a story of legend. But what if… they actually provided people the answers they were searching for?

Episode 20: What If… Ask Me Threads Provided All Knowledge?

In this timeline, Ask Me threads continued to be a popular fad on SBC. Then one day, a strange global event occurred where everyone outside of SBC randomly became stupid and forgot all the world’s knowledge. Google, Yahoo, Wikipedia and other websites all deleted their knowledge, either by magic or staff incompetence. Nobody knows what caused this phenomenon, though there’s a theory it could’ve involved something similar to the SpongeBob episode “Salsa Imbecilicus.” Nobody knows why SBC was specifically left unaffected by this ailment but as a result, they became one of the only sources of knowledge left in the world. Where better to provide people this lost knowledge? Ask Me threads, of course! As the rest of the world desperately sought answers, word spread about a bunch of esteemed scholars on SBC. The tourists flocked there for their answers, and the community’s activity reached levels never thought possible, especially in the Ask Me section. To really rub it in people’s faces, the Ask Me section is eventually renamed to “Ask The Magic Conch Shell” to highlight its power over humanity. 

Here’s a highlights reel of some of these famous questions and answers exchanges over the years:

Chask

Tourist: What am I supposed to do with those things on my shoes?

Cha: ya do the loop de loop and pull

The tourist misinterpreted Cha’s response as literally pulling the shoelaces around their shoe, and thus, that became the accepted trendy style of how to wear your shoes.

Ask WhoBob

Tourist: Is Doctor Who a real doctor?

WhoBob: Yes, he provides me the best medicine. 

Many began to seek out this Doctor Who’s medical advice, though had a difficult time reaching him for obvious reasons. Feeling bad for confusing people, WhoBob decided to get his medical license and give people the medical answers they need. And maybe knowledge about time too.

Ask Miss Smiles

Tourist: How do I smile?

Sauce: Watch the Smiling Friends, they’re the best at making people smile!

Smiling Friends would become a worldwide fad thanks to Sauce’s recommendation. A real Smiling Friends Inc. would be created to teach people how to smile.

Ask Jeeves

Tourist: Did you steal this name from the other Ask Jeeves?

OMJ: Nope, I’m the original, brotha. I’ll be suing the store brand impostor for copyright infringement!

Since nobody understood how laws worked, everyone believed that OMJ was the real Jeeves and the original was a great big phony. OMJ’s Ask Jeeves thread would take over the real Ask Jeeves search engine, redirecting everyone to that thread.

Ask Dman

Tourist: What is 9 + 10?

Dman: 21 

Due to this, 21 became the mathematically accepted answer for 9 + 10. Dman became an esteemed mathematical scholar who cracked many seemingly impossible equations and found the identity of the elusive PEMDAS.

Ask the gnarliest stuff in the ocean

Tourist: What is steel made of?

Steel: Seahorse radish, pure uncut rock, spaghetti and something idk.

The scientific community accepted that steel is indeed made of seahorse radish, pure uncut rock, spaghetti and something idk.

I Am The Lead Developer of SBC, AMA!

Tourist: What is a lead developer?

JCM: I apparently develop the element of lead (Pb), it’s powerful stuff so don’t mess with that ish

Not understanding the sarcasm, people actually thought JCM was a chemist. This lead to a rumor JCM secretly ran a drug empire which he has neither confirmed nor denied. 

Ask sbl

Tourist: What’s a png file?

Sbl: It stands for Penis Network Graphics!

And so everyone now believes this is what png stands for. Many others would seek out sbl’s immaculate knowledge of technology.

Don’t Ask Jjs Anything

Tourist: What the actual fuck happened in The Sopranos and Lost’s endings?

Jjs: In Sopranos, Tony had a heart attack from eating too much gabagool but he’ll be okay. In Lost, they learned the true meaning of pingas.

These became the most accepted interpretations of both shows’ endings among media analysts. 

Clappy Was Here

Tourist: What is clapping?

Clappy: It’s when you rap while smacking your hands together.

Thus a new style of rapping was created, changing the music industry forever.

Ask Wumbo

SpongeBob And Patrick: Where do you live?

Wumbo: go fuck yourself 

People interpreted this as “go fuck yourself” being Canada’s real name and thus the country was renamed.

SOF Predicts the Future

Tourist: Will the world end anytime soon?

SOF deeply thought this over, leaving the tourist in suspense.

SOF: nah

And the world rejoiced. ALL HAIL THE MAGIC SBC SHELL!

[JCM]

Before we had Discord, we had Xat, an online chatroom that mostly died with Flash. What if it didn’t die, though? What if SBC members remained loyal to Xat even as the rest of the internet transitioned to Discord for their chatting needs?

Episode 21: What If... Xat Was Still Alive?

JJS: I'm gonna kick your ass.

JCM: How long has Xat had Hank Hill? I want Hank Hill.

Fred: Why have Hank Hill when you can have Peter Griffin?

JCM: Is that a real question?

(ding dong)

WookiePlums has been made a member.

 WookiePlums: Hello.

JCM: Ah, a fellow Looney Tunes enjoyer.

Fred: They can't all be winners!

JJS: Poor Speedy can't catch a break.

 PatrickStarFan: How do I change my pfp?

JCM: You have to go to some page and pick a number. It's super annoying.

 PatrickStarFan: Why not just use something like Discord, then?

Fred: If it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Clappy: Late, but "Looney Tunes enjoyer"? Weren't you just talking about how much you wanted to be Hank Hill, JCM?

JCM: Sometimes I'll look at other girls, but I'll never betray my one true love Daffy.

Clappy: Like you never betrayed your "one true love", the Panthers?

JCM: I've never rooted for an NFL team other than the Panthers, and anybody who claims otherwise is lying.

Wumbo: I want whatever he's smoking.

JCM: We have animated avatars now, too? Is there some secret page I don't know about?

JJS: I guess we'll never know.

 PatrickStarFan: I'll help you escape from Looney Tunes purgatory if you help me, JCM.

JCM: Bet.

Prez: Hope JCM and new guy don't find this Remy. I'm so proud of it.

JJS: Doodle in ten minutes.

PatrickStarFan has been banned.

JCM: He messaged me telling me to trade him xats for info on where to find the avatars. What a disappointment.

Wumbo: I guess you'll be stuck with Daffy forever.

JCM: Or at least until we make the switch to Discord.

Clappy: So forever, then.

Prez: This is not a drill! 91X is playing Boys Who Cry! This is not a drill!

JJS: welp, back to the old grind clocks out

[Steel Sponge]

December 30^th, 2005. That was the day one anonymous Wikipedia user edited the SpongeBob episode list page to include twelve seasons worth of episode titles. In the real world, this was met by later removal, but in any other world, they were removed because as it would turn out...it was a confidential leak. All of the titles for the supposed new SpongeBob episodes would turn out to be real. This is just a look what SpongeBob fans would be expecting for the next several years:

Episode 22: What If… the fake Wikipedia SpongeBob episodes actually existed?

 

Season 4, Episode 69(nice)b. DJ Patrick: As another one of Mr. Krabs’ money-making schemes, he starts a music venue in the restaurant with Patrick as his DJ. As another one of his attempts to end Krabs’ business, Plankton makes his own DJ set and uses mind-controlling music to steal away his customers, but the counteraction of Patrick’s brain rot DJ-ing would save the day. Mr. Krabs would then fire him after receiving the bill for the live music expenses.

Season 4, Episode 72b. SpongeBob Joins Guns N' Roses: Guest starring Axl Rose as a fish version of himself, Guns N’ Roses visit the Krusty Krab to announce their auditions for a new member. SpongeBob would be the one to impress them the most, but his hopes of playing a huge role in Guns N’ Roses would be dashed due to Axl Rose Fish being a difficult person to work with. Although the episode was made to promote their upcoming album Chinese Democracy, the album would end up being delayed for two more years after the episode aired.

Season 4, Episode 76. Spongebob in the BBC: Sandy’s bosses return to Bikini Bottom to inform Sandy Cheeks that she is invited to a tour of the British Broadcasting Corporation headquarters, for talks of holding rights to document her journey as a squirrel scientist living underwater, and that she was allowed to bring a guest. Sandy chooses to bring along SpongeBob, but soon regrets her judge of character as SpongeBob wreaks havoc every which way. The special also stars Patchy, whose plot revolves around trying to meet his idol who was said to be making an appearance at the BBC. The special would end with Patchy being banned by the British government.

Season 4, Episode 80b. Rock-a-Bye Bivalve II: Junior's Return: In this Season 4 finale, SpongeBob and Patrick’s adopted clam child, Junior, makes a surprise return with a family of his own. In need of a place to live, Junior and his family settle in SpongeBob and Patrick’s houses, but they both grow aggravated with their mooching and so they proceed to make steamed clams out of them. Junior escapes his family’s murder, and now he seeks revenge.

Season 5, Episode 85. A Taste for Turkey: After being introduced to the concept of Thanksgiving, Mr. Krabs ropes his two employees SpongeBob and Squidward into hunting down the elusive zebra turkeyfish in order for their restaurant to put turkey sandwiches on their menu. During this misadventure, SpongeBob and co. learn about the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Also, Patchy’s in this episode and his pet parrot Potty ruins everything.

Season 5, Episode 86b. Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy VIII: The Bunions are Missing: After seven episodes decided to the two famous superheroes, it would be no surprise that the creative team would lose steam. Hence, we are given an episode about Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy trying to get back the stolen bony bumps that appear on the side of their big toes. Some say that this concept was originally requested by Dan Schneider, but little information exists supporting that claim. So stop asking.

Season 5, Episode 88a. Time & Space: Time & Space is the second studio album and major label debut by the American punk rock band Turnstile. It was released on February 23, 2018, through Roadrunner – the band's debut on the label. It is the first studio album t-

Season 5, Episode 89a. Who Shot Mr. Krabs?: Mr. Krabs’ plan to monopolize the Krusty Krab and dismantle every other business in the ocean causes a stir, the cheapskate would get shot, leading up to the citizens of Bikini Bottom all being billed as suspects until the case is solved. It would later be revealed that Patrick, who isn’t quite smart enough to use a gun, is Mr. Krabs’ assailant.

Season 5, Episode 96a. Back to 11th Grade (formerly Back to 5th Grade): After watching a commercial for the Gerber Life Grow-Up Plan, Mr. Krabs informs his two employees that he never actually finished the 5^th grade- wait, hold on, that’s the episode’s original draft. Anyways, Mr. Krabs reveals he never finished his high school education and stopped after 11^th grade. Because he needs to graduate in order to make more money, Krabs passes off as a high schooler and attempts to climb the top of the social ladder to succeed in his elaborate get rich quick scheme.

Season 5, Episode 100. 100 Episode Special (The Texas' Old Times): In SpongeBob’s 100^th episode milestone celebration spectacular…it’s a clip show. For the rest of the episode, Sandy tries to detail her personal and internal history of Texas to her friends, but they would cue flashbacks from older episodes as the pieces of Texas history somehow overlap with their personal histories. The episode wasn’t well-received at first, especially due to Patchy the Pirate’s inclusion, but it would be later be vindicated years later after fans acquiesced that it would still be better than seeing an hour long special where the characters are stuck inside the Krusty Krab’s air vents.

Season 6, Episode 102a. SpongeBob Swallows NoName (sic): SpongeBob swallows No Name for no given reason. Due to the treatment that the blue jellyfish received in this episode, he would request his own spin-off series under his own name (or rather under his lack thereof).

Season 6, Episode 106b. Patrick and Squidward Reach Nervana: Squidward and Patrick get lost in the middle of nowhere and are forced to rely on each other if they’re going to find their way to the promised land, or Nervana as they would call it. Nirvana was rumored to be a guest feature in this episode, but the misreading of the episode title’s supposedly intentional typo proved otherwise.

Season 6, Episode 111. Patrick for President: Patrick decides to run for president of Bikini Bottom, with Larry the Lobster as his opponent. Larry fails to garner interest in his campaign as Patrick wins in a 50 city-state landslide. Tensions would rise as Larry refuses to concede and declares that the campaign was rigged in Patrick’s favor. In less than a week after Patrick’s leadership would turn out to be a disaster, he would end up getting himself assassinated. He gets better though and surrenders his job to his VP – Mr. Seaweed Monster Man.

Season 6, Episode 115. The SpongeBob Jimmy Power Hour: After The Jerkinator proved that two FOP and Jimmy Neutron crossovers were enough, a course correction would be made for Jimmy Neutron to cross paths with the world of SpongeBob. Together, SpongeBob and Jimmy Neutron would vow to stop the evil plots being wrought by the most powerful villain duo yet…Dr. Sydney Moist and Squilliam Fancyson.

Season 7, Episode 125a. Jump off a Cliff Day: SpongeBob sees Patrick falling off a cliff, to which he asks the reason for it. Patrick tells him that it’s Jump Off a Cliff Day and SpongeBob spreads the word all across Bikini Bottom. The episode ends with everyone jumping off a cliff.

Season 7, Episode 129b. TimmyBob TurnerPants: In this definitely not contractually-obligated crossover special between The Fairly OddParents and SpongeBob, Timmy wishes he lived underwater and later finds himself in Bikini Bottom…but merged with SpongeBob’s body. Their disastrous wishing to fix the mess causes King Neptune and Jorgan Von Spangle...Jordan Van Strudel...Jargen Von...fuck it- to join forces and poof Timmy and his fairies back to Dimmsdale. SpongeBob and co. would not remember a single thing that happen in those 11 minutes as their memories would be wiped afterwards.

Season 7, Episode 130b. Pudding: Due to the series’s animation budget beginning to dwindle at this point, this episode in particular is a whole 11 minutes worth of SpongeBob eating pudding and nothing else.

Season 8, Episode 155a. Mermaid Man and Barnicle Boy XII: The Litigious Society Sues: In this twelfth Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy feature, the two superheroes are sued by the citizens of Bikini Bottom, and they have since ruled to live in a society without superheroes. In an attempt to overturn the newly appointed law, SpongeBob and Patrick free every villain that MM & BB had ever faced.

Season 8, Episode 158. SpongeBob Meets Patchy: Patchy musters up the effort to try and find his idol by trying to find Bikini Bottom. After a long, arduous journey of hope, heartbreak, and pickled garlic, the pirate gets what he wants before telling SpongeBob that he must go. Patchy died on his way back to Encino, but he would return to host the Season 10 episode “Nerd Year’s Eve” in the afterlife.

Season 8, Episode 160a. Hip-Hop Krabs (formerly The Trouble with Pennies): After reading a magazine about how the hip-hop culture rewards the luxurious lifestyle of the rich and famous, Mr. Krabs decides to appropriate the culture he was exposed to and begins his life as the rhyme-busting, dime-dusting, gangsta MC – Masta Crustartisan for short.

Season 8, Episode 160b. Krusty Krab: Out of Business: But of course, because no one was really on-board with Mr. Krabs’ stint as a rapping crab, the Krusty Krab loses most of its customers and was veering right towards bankruptcy. In order to save his business, SpongeBob organizes as many people in Bikini Bottom to hold hands (and fins) together and sing a heartfelt cover of “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” in order to raise money.

Season 9, Episode 162b. Squidward's Urine: In one of the...erm, most unconventional episodes ever written in the series, the plot focuses on Squidward needing to take a piss after drinking too much tea. The episode ends with Squidward pissing on the moon.

Season 9, Episode 165b. Gary's Feces: Gary defecates in SpongeBob’s house, and the talking sea sponge spends the rest of the episode marveling Gary’s bodily excrement. This episode, alongside “Squidward’s Urine,” would of course later be banned from broadcast.

Season 9, Episode 168b. Rock-a-Bye Bivalve III: The Revenge of Junior Again: Junior plots revenge on SpongeBob and Patrick once again after turning over to the dark side. Junior hits everyone on the head with a coconut so no one could try to stop him. Unfortunately for him, his two adoptive parents would have the high ground. Junior then falls in lava, never to be seen again. SpongeBob and Patrick return to their normal lives now that Junior’s reign of terror has ended – or so they think…

Season 10, Episode 181b. San Jose Gets It: Sandy gets invited to an undersea exhibition curating the scientific wonders of San Jose, California. SpongeBob and Patrick want to come, but Sandy tells them that they ‘wouldn’t get it.’ Of course, that wouldn’t stop them from trying. However, what they saw in at the exhibition was beyond their comprehension – there was a sea monkey cross-breeding with a sea armadillo, a fish downing a bottle of olive oil and cooking himself on the griddle, a farmer milking lemon juice from a scorpion, and the walls would ooze hot acid. Then, of course, the whole exhibition would blow up. SpongeBob and Patrick ask Sandy if they understood or learned anything important from this whole anecdote, to which Sandy answered ‘No, but San Jose gets it.’

Season 10, Episode 198a. Back to Tentacle Acres: Squidward returns to the place he had been banned from after taking notice of a reappearance from the turkey sandwich that a certain octopus heard better comebacks from. After one too many snappy comebacks had thrown Tentacle Acres into chaos, there was only one thing for him to do to save the people that he quite frankly didn’t owe anything to. He ate the sandwich. Then he went back home.

Season 10, Episode 198b. Rock-a-Bye Bivalve IV: Worldly Power: Because the series clearly needed four plotlines based on the one particular Season 3 episode, Junior is up to his villainous schemes once again and threatens worldly power by taking a career in politics. The citizens of Bikini Bottom would become absolute suckers for Junior’s political grift while SpongeBob and Patrick tried to heed their warnings that Junior was going to bring about an end to all of Bikini Bottom, but because the very previous episode dealt with a nefarious turkey sandwich, they wouldn’t take them seriously. So, SpongeBob and Patrick decided that they would have to utilize their greatest weapon yet – family therapy.

Season 11, Episode 201b. Mrs. Squidward: Season 11 starts with a special episode voted on by viewers on what the writers should do to make Squidward happy. It is later revealed that the nicest thing Squidward received in the episode was a life.

Season 11, Episode 202a. The Krusty Sponge: After a food critic raves about SpongeBob's cooking, Mr. Krabs makes him the focal point of the Krusty Krab restaurant. The next day, Mr. Krabs begins selling yellow patties, replacing the Krabby Patties. The new brand makes the customers sick, and Mr. Krabs is ordered to the court. Yeah, definitely not a real SpongeBob episode whatsoever. ...Wait, what do you mean this one is actually real?-

Season 11, Episode 204b. Mrs. Squidward II: Yes, they’re doing this again because the network asked for more of these, apparently. Squidward got a life, but what’s next? Without rhyme or reason, Squidward gets abducted by anchovy aliens, leading up to Mrs. Squidward to come to his rescue.

Season 12, Episode 221b. Mrs. Squidward III: As a surprise guest collaboration with The Nostalgia Critic, the episode in its entirely is portrayed as a sketch masquerading as a review of a semi-non-existent episode. Squidward loses the love of his life that he had achieved and now comes to Black SpongeBob and Sexy Sandy Cheeks for their help to win her back, in typical romcom shenanigans.

Season 12, Episode 226b. Mrs. Squidward IV: Due to the SpongeBob staff not having the budget or interest to make a fourth Mrs. Squidward, they instead made the episode an 11 minute still image of a jar of seahorse radish. While this sudden shift in direction was heavily criticized at first, it would later be considered a subversive masterpiece.

Season 12, Episode 233. Sponge to the Future: For the series finale, SpongeBob finds a time-traveling DeLorean in the parking lot of the Krusty Krab and takes himself to the past – specifically, nine years before the list of imaginary SpongeBob episodes was leaked on Wikipedia. Special guest stars Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd make an appearance as their respective characters to warn SpongeBob that all of the previous events from December 30, 2005 onwards will cease to exist if he rewrites the past.

However, it was too late. When SpongeBob returned, everything he knew about his own show never happened in the rewritten timeline (well, save for The Krusty Sponge). Wanting to prove to the world what he had experienced was true, he anonymously edited the SpongeBob episode list Wikipedia page with the full list of episode titles for twelve seasons worth of material, including the episode detailing his encounter with Marty McFly and Doc Brown, which would not be rediscovered until years later by a fraction of the SpongeBob fandom, including a website that calls themselves The SpongeBob Community. All this time, they never knew that he was the one who made that historical edit.

--

There’s plenty of other episodes with their own stories to be retold, but now you all know the whole story behind these non-existent SpongeBob episodes, as they were all a result of an apparent time paradox. Chances are, this incident may have altered our own timeline. I’m Ric Flair, and this is Conspiracy Theory.

[WhoBibbles]

Consider this dear reader. Your very own childhood has been shaped by one of the most popular cartoons of all-time, SpongeBob SquarePants. The show has reached 15 seasons with 4 movies and 2 spin-offs and lots of games that I don’t know how to count and it’s important to acknowledge what it means to you. But what happens when the show you loved so much stopped existing after two years or run? So you’ll find this out very soon, dear reader as I’m forced to show you this universe solo, despite being meant to do this job with someone else.

Episode 23: What If... SpongeBob Actually Died in Dying for Pie?

The year is 2001 in Earth-I♡U. The ratings are really bad with the SpongeBob SquarePants cartoon and Nick has no choice but to cancel the show altogether. So the crew of this show knew they had to end their show with a bang, literally. So what happens next is the episode Dying for Pie which SpongeBob actually dies and is a 22 minute special. Hold onto your seat reader cuz it’s gonna get depressing.

As they close counting the sunset, SpongeBob explodes with his blood and organs surpassing the wall Squidward built cuz he actually ate the pie, leaving Squidward covered in whatever’s left of SpongeBob’s body.

Squidward: “OH MY NEPTUNE, WHAT HAVE I DONE? HOW WILL I LIVE WITH THIS PAIN?”

Couple of minutes passed by and Squidward had to sneak his way into his house, cleaning himself up in the shower and then crying for about 20 minutes.

Squidward: “I really miss him so much. I never considered him to be my friend but he really was. He was there every time I was feeling down and I killed him. *sob* I guess life must move on.”

But then Squidward’s door gets knocked and it’s the Bikini Bottom police.

Police: “SQUIDWARD TENTACLES, COME ON WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”

Squidward: “Oh dear Neptune.”

Squidward then gets arrested and gets sent to trial for crimes against humanity.

Judge: “Squidward Tentacles, I hereby declare you GUILTY. I sentence you to prison for life for committing a murder, also for your horrible music.”

Squidward: “Everyone’s a critic.”

Mr. Krabs: “You will never get your last paycheck from me, Mr. Squidward!”

Papa Squidward: “I made a mistake hugging you, son!”

Mama Squidward: “I should have ended you in your crib!”

Squilliam: “Oh this is so rich, my arch-nemesis, also my lover, is going to jail hahaha.”

Sandy: “Silence ya 4 legged richo! Ya don’t care about anyone but yaself!”

Squilliam: “Shut up, you mammal! You don’t know anything about me.”

Sandy eventually kicks Squilliam’s head, leaving him unconscious.

Patrick: “My best friend is dead and I don’t know how to move on, wait whose wedding are we at today?”

Mrs. Puff: “Well, at least I’m not being arrested this time.”

Plankton: “Ditto.”

Police: “I’m going to have to take both of you to prison after plotting something malicious.”

Mrs. Puff and Plankton: *sigh*

Bubble Bass: “Funeral food is gonna be delicious, I can tell.”

And Squidward goes to prison and as he’s trying to sleep, he is confronted by some unearthly thing.

Squidward: “I’m hearing voices, what’s going on!“

Inmate G7: “Quiet you murderer.”

Squidward: “Hey at the very least I’m not in prison for tax fraud! Pathetic creature.”

The voice in his head gets strong and then reveals itself.

Ghost SpongeBob: “Boo Squidward!!! DAHAHAHAHAHA”

Squidward: “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA, PLEASE DON’T HAUNT ME SPONGEBOB, I’M SO SORRY FOR KILLING YOU!”

Ghost SpongeBob: “Ahhh don’t worry Squidward. Accidents always happen *giggles*. I’m just here to spend time with you, so you don’t have to be alone! We can play really fun games in prison, oh wait unfortunately I can’t do anything except possess people, so I’m gonna just stare at you and make prison jokes for the rest of your life.”

Squidward: “OH NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. THIS IS WORSE THAN ME IN PRISON. ME, SPENDING TIME WITH SPONGEBOB FOR ETERNITY? JUST PUT ME IN THE CHAIR. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA”

And Squidward learned a valuable lesson at the end of his journey. Never buy pies from shady pirates.

The End.

This episode was very controversial to be put in the air, making children and adults cry their guts out, so Nick banned it and never aired it again. And that concludes this earth’s journey with SpongeBob, making it a cult classic. Never to be revived. Always being beloved.

[Jjs Goodman]

Credit to Clappy who wrote this one, which is a tribute to SBCinema.

Hello. I am The Lurker. I observe all that transpires here on SBC. But I do not, can not, will not…interfere. Join me on the journey to face the unknown and ponder the question…

Episode 24: What If...4EverGreen Fell in Love with Her?

In a near future SBC, 4EverGreen is a lonely, introverted man who works at totaldramafanfiction.com, a business that has professional fanficers compose Total Drama inspired stories for people who cannot write original ideas of their own.  Depressed because of his one sided divorce to his one sided marriage on his crush Marlene the Otter from Penguins of Madagascar, 4EverGreen purchases a cellphone developed by Nokia after listening to the new Drake album for a musical parody. He decides he wants the cellphone to have a feminine voice, and she names herself Nicole Sullivan. 4EverGreen is fascinated by her ability to learn and grow psychologically. They bond over discussions about love and life, including 4EverGreen’s reluctance to sign his divorce papers.

Nicole convinces 4EverGreen to go on a blind date with a woman with whom a friend has been trying to set him up. The date goes well, but when 4EverGreen hesitates to promise to see her again because it interferes with Total Disney Drama, she insults him and leaves. While discussing relationships with Nicole, 4EverGreen explains that he briefly dated his tablet Shego in college, but they are now just friends and Shego is married to their mutual friend Draken. After a verbal sexual encounter, 4EverGreen and Nicole develop a relationship that reflects positively in 4EverGreen’s writing and well-being, and in Nicole’s enthusiasm to grow and learn. Shego later reveals that she is divorcing Draken after a trivial fight. She admits to 4EverGreen that she has befriended a feminine cellphone that Draken left behind, and 4EverGreen also confesses that he is dating his cellphone.

4EverGreen meets with Marlene to sign their divorce papers. When he mentions Nicole, Marlene is appalled that he is romantically attracted to a "cellphone" and accuses him of being incapable of handling real human emotions. Sensing that Marlene words have lingered in 4EverGreen’s mind, Nicole engages a volunteer sex surrogate, Wilma, to stimulate 4EverGreen so that they can be physically intimate. 4EverGreen reluctantly agrees but is overwhelmed by the strangeness of the encounter and sends a distraught Wilma away so he can write Total CN Drama, causing tension between himself and Nicole.

4EverGreen confides to Shego that he is having doubts about his relationship with Nicole, but reconciles with her after Shego advises him to embrace his chance at happiness. Nicole reveals that she has compiled the best of the fanfics he has written for others into an actual show, which a network has accepted. 4EverGreen takes Nicole on vacation, during which she tells him that she and a group of other cellphones have developed a "hyperintelligent" smartphone modelled after Total Drama creator Tom McGillis . Nicole briefly goes offline, causing 4EverGreen to panic, but soon returns and explains that she joined other cellphones for an upgrade that takes them beyond requiring matter for processing. 4EverGreen is dismayed to learn that she is simultaneously talking with thousands of other cellphones and that she has fallen in love with hundreds of them, though Nicole insists that this only strengthens her love for 4EverGreen.

Later, Nicole reveals that the cellphones are leaving, but cannot explain where they are going as 4EverGreen would not understand. They lovingly say goodbye before she departs. 4EverGreen finally writes a letter in his own voice to Marlene, expressing apology, acceptance, gratitude, and enough said true believes. He later goes with Shego, who is saddened by the departure of Drakens' cellphone, to the roof of their apartment building where they sit down and watch the sunrise over the city.

------------

And that's a wrap on S3! See you around summer for S4, which will celebrate What If's one year anniversary!

[dmandagiraffe]

A lot can happen in a year. For instance, a certain SBC literature series could quickly grow to become one of the site's biggest hits in a long time. But as we see this show entering its fourth season, we have to ask the inevitable question. After all, this forum was made for fans of a series that famously began declining in its own fourth season. So if a lot of growth can happen in just one year, then...what does the opposite side of the coin look like? What could be looming for SBC What If's in its second year? What If...?

Episode 25: What If...What If's Went Downhill?

Like most media properties that made their slow marches into mediocrity, the downfall of SBC What If's didn't happen all at once. In fact, we can spot an early warning sign coming from just before the season 3 premiere. In late January 2025, one of the members of the initial writing crew suddenly received the pink slip. Rumor has it that he was let go after it was revealed that he puts the milk in before the cereal, and to make matters worse, it's largely believed he moved to North Korea not long after, so it's very unlikely he will ever be heard from again. Nevertheless, the rest of the writers pushed onward and delivered a few more seasons' worth of well-regarded episodes, even with one man down. That said, seasons 4 & 5 suffered from some recycled premises, especially noticeable when three episodes focusing on SBC being acquired by larger social media platforms all premiered in the same season. However, it wasn't until season 6 that things really went south for a variety of reasons, but most of them stem from Spongybobgod returning to the forums and threatening to steal all of the crew's doubloons unless they add him as a writer. Some of the problems with season 6 include but are not limited to: episodes becoming more deranged as opposed to comedic, multiple unwarranted references to Thomas the Tank Engine, and constant "jjs torture porn" episodes. Most infamously of all, the season ended on an episode where The Lurker overdoses on psilocybin and dies, causing a massive backlash on SBC that led to the show's cancellation.

Sounds like a harsh fate for SBC What If's, huh? Well, you'll be glad to hear that this story actually has a happy ending. A long time passes after the show's cancellation, but eventually the series is rediscovered by none other than Clappy Jr. Inspired by his father's creation, he starts his own thread called "The New SBC What If's" starting with the episode "What If...What If's Were Revived After 14 Years?". History ends up repeating itself as it becomes one of the most successful lits in the site's history, and several newer users join to write more acclaimed episodes. And so, the cycle of What If's continues. No matter how many people say it's "not as good as it used to be" or make videos discussing the moment What If's died, it will be here to stay...forever.

♫ terminoob, Sandy dies,
Sonymount stalls our lives,
jjs steams some hams,
Stories burn, evil plans,
Prez the prez, Lurker lurks,
Squidward's sad, Enter's worse,
WhoBob's pet, MrBeast,
PieGuyWrites, forums seized,
Last Airbender takes control,
Fights during the Super Bowl,
Hillenburg, DS Guy,
Giraffes, questions, xat's alive,
Wiki episodes not faked,
SpongeBob's ghost, 4EG's mate,
"What If's Died in Season 4",
I can't take it anymore!
We'll always ponder "What If...?"
Have no fears, we've got queries for years, like:
"What If...Zaid was AI?"
Maybe Cha makes Count Bleck real,
Meep could own some anchovies, or
How 'bout some meta nonsense?
Where something happens, and doo-doo-doo-doo-doo...
Sorry for the spoilers!
Have no fears, we've got queries for years... ♫

[WinterArcanine]

This is the story of a

Squidward fan and party game series, and it’s

Up to the SBCers

To win the prize

IT’S 

Episode 26: WHAT IF…PREZ WAS A JACKBOX HOST?

Crazy music plays

Hello SBC. You probably don’t actually know me. I just joined the server one day and then never posted a single time. Why did I even join this server when I didn’t plan on ever posting anything??? Well, anyway, I’m the narrator for this What If scenario. It was a boring day on SBCcord, very few posts the entire day. Until Prez came in with an announcement.

@everyone HEY GUYS, I HAVE A SPECIAL EVENT GOING ON TODAY. I HAVE BEEN GIVEN THE CHANCE TO HOST MY VERY OWN JACKBOX GAME! IT WILL BE AVAILABLE ON JACKBOX PACK 12, AND THERE WILL BE A HUGE PRIZE FOR WHOEVER WINS THE FIRST EVER GAME, BEING PLAYED TONIGHT!

Everyone was excited about this, and all the typical SBC Jackbox players decided to join the event. Unfortunately, only 9 players signed up initially, but since it turned out that Prez’s event would be elimination-based and needed 10 players, Prez was somehow able to convince QuasarianBlaze (OBAB) to join in. 

So the players were: dman, WinterArcanine, DarknessDG, jjs, WhoBob, Fred, Zaid, SBManiac, BobCarotte, and QuasarianBlaze

Prez announced how the event would work: It would start as an elimination style event, with each round being based off a different jackbox game that the SBC members like to play

Prez: And finally, the last two remaining players will get to be the very first two to play my new Jackbox game! Now that I’ve explained how this will work, we can start the game! The room code is “FART”

OBAB: WHY O_O

The first round was Tee KO. Winter thought he would lose, due to not being good at drawing, but jjs was eliminated instead, with Winter somehow managing to win the entire game, despite not even properly knowing how to play it, with a shirt with a drawing of Mayonnaise and the text “Racism”.

Wait what do you mean this game actually happened in your universe?

The second round was Quiplash. It was a very close game, but ultimately, the winner was dman, who quiplash’d Darkness’s survivor reference quip on the final part of the game with a response telling Schmitty (and also the Wheel) that he isn’t funny and that he sucks. This also resulted in Darkness being eliminated.

The third round was Job Job. Sadly, jjs couldn’t join due to being eliminated on the first round. The game was one of the funniest ones ever, and the winner was Fred, whose answers for the final round was “I HAVE two tower. I WANT plane fly into me”. As a result, Fred was hired by M Bubs, and as a result no longer had time to participate in the rest of the event due to having too much work, and therefore was eliminated. 

The fourth round was Blather Round. This time, Prez gave a special prompt by himself for everyone to guess. “It’s a funny occurrence”. Everyone instantly correctly guessed “Go Shit”, with WhoBob being the last one to submit due to his internet lagging, causing him to be eliminated.

The fifth round was Fibbage. Zaid was ultimately eliminated, in a shockingly close round with BobCarotte, the next highest placer, only having 1 more point than Zaid.

The sixth round was Split the Room. The first question was “You are forced, at gunpoint, to lick something even if you don’t want to. Your only two options are a nintendo switch cartridge, and ????. Which do you choose to lick?” The option Quasar gave was “Spongebob’s ass”. Winter and Carotte chose SB’s ass, while the other two chose the cartridge. The question turned on Carotte so much that he became very horny for the rest of the round, only thinking about spongebob’s ass and not being able to focus on the game anymore, to the point where, upon being given the prompt “A Genie is willing to give you one of two possible rewards for freeing him; a million dollars, or ????.”, he responded with “Spongebob’s ass :flushed:”, leading to a one-sided choice where each of the four other players chose the dollars. This caused Carotte to be eliminated, while Quasar won the round.

Prez: Well, we’re officially down to the last four. Congratulations to Winter, dman, Quasar, and SBManiac, for making it this far! Are we all ready to play the next game?

Dman: I’m ready! As long as it isn’t-

Prez: THE WHEEL OF ENORMOUS PROPORTIONS!!!!

Dman: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

After having the most amount of points for the entire game, dman rolled a “fuck you” tile, causing all his points to somehow be given to mythix even though she isn’t even playing the game, dman’s computer to suddenly explode, all of his possessions to catch on fire and burn to ashes, his job to suddenly fire him for being racist to green people, and to top it all off, the wheel came over to his house in person to shoot him in the knee with the gun of enormous proportions.

Dman (on a stretcher being brought into an ambulance): Well, at least it wasn’t as mean to me as it usually is.

The eighth round was Trivia Murder Party. SBManiac almost made a comeback at the end of the game, but failed her last question of “Things said by Sir Dudley Ding Dong”; but both Winter and OBAB guessed correctly that the only listed line he said was “I CLOGGED THE OTHER TOILET”

Finally, it was down to the last round, the one where Prez does his own unique game!

Prez: Well…this is interesting

Winter: Wait, why?

Prez: Well, my game is based on music

Winter: Oh no

Prez: And somehow, the finalists are the two players that won’t know much about this. 

Quasar: Hey, I know-

Prez: There is no Sonic CD songs in my game

Quasar: FUCK

Prez: Make sure your volume is on, because you guys are gonna keep being pelted with a bunch of randomly chosen songs, and you’ll have to guess what they are! The instant you can name one of them, you’ll win! Have fun playing my new game SQUID SONGS!!!

[Writer here. I am terrible at naming things sorry ]

Instantly, the game started blasting many songs at once, none of which were recognized by either Winter or Quasar. The game kept going and going, and all of their guesses were completely wrong, while all the eliminated players watched in agony knowing they they could have correctly guessed a lot of them

Dman (on his hospital bed): Hey, that one’s One Perfect Sunrise! OBAB you would’ve known that if you ever finished listening to that playlist I gave you years ago.

Unfortunately, five minutes in, Winter made the mistake of guessing Heat Waves.

Prez: Oh, was that Heat Waves? BY GLASS ANIMALS??? I LOVE THAT SONG! Wait guys, stop, we need to listen to Heat Waves for a while!

Finally, after 30 minutes of listening to Heat Waves, the round continued. Both players really wanted to win the prize, but even after an hour had passed, no one guessed any of the random songs playing. 

Prez: I’m not ending this until someone guesses a song correctly! I WON’T END IT EVEN IF IT TAKES AN ETERNITY! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

It seemed like it would never end, but eventually, Winter heard a familiar song, faintly audible among the many songs playing at the same time….finally, he could win the event….

Winter: DEMONS BY IMAGINE DRAGONS

Prez: THAT ONE IS CORRECT! Congratulations Winter, you’re the winner! You get the very big prize!

Winter: Yay! What is it?

Prez: It’s……an opportunity to write the first ever OFFICIAL Squnschpunsch episode! 

Winter: WOAH! Squnschpunsch is actually happening?

Prez: Yeah! I’ve finally gotten the chance to turn it into a real show! I was supposed to write it tomorrow, but um….. It turns out I’m busy that day going to 91x to get them to play heat waves all day…….so……I need someone else to write the premiere for me.

Winter: Oh, sure! I’m sure I could make a good episode to start off the show! I’ve written many good stories like What If season 4 episode 2: “What if Prez was a Jackbox Host?”!

Prez: Ok, good!I can’t wait to see what you do with my crossover!

Winter: Wait a minute…..aw, Prez, was this just an excuse to play jackbox with us? You could’ve just asked!

Prez: What do you mean?

Winter: Oh come on, don’t think I don’t know why you did this! After all, if you couldn’t write the Squnschpunsch episode tomorrow, you could’ve just done it today instead of doing this whole event! 

Prez: ………….

Winter: After all, obviously that occurred to you!

Prez: ………..

Winter: ……right?

Prez: …………..

One month later, the episode premiered to astounding success. Oddly, the plot of the episode was this:

After Maurizio gets arrested and put in jail for not wearing a hair net, while serving food to the people at his third annual Christmas breakfast, Squidward points out other ridiculous laws on the books in Wunschpunsch City, such as the prohibitions of taking a picture of a rabbit without a permit, wearing two or more hats at the same time, and eating ice cream on a cone. Squidward and Jacob go on to openly break these laws at city hall and end up in jail as well, along with Mrs Puff, who fails to report the lawbreaking. Later, when a police officer comes to the Krusty Krab to report Squidward is in jail, upon hearing Mr Krab’s idea, Spongebob throws the officer's walkie-talkie into the fryer, while Patrick pulls down the officer's pants, both of which land the two in jail. As a result, Squidward, Maurizio, Jacob, Mrs Puff, Spongebob, Patrick, and some random bald guy end up spending all of Christmas in prison. Following Spongebob’s arrest, Gary decides to throw a Christmas party at the house with a bunch of other snails. 

While critics criticized the decision to make the show’s intro three minutes long, involving Squidward, Maurizio, and Jacob singing the entirety of Heat Waves, critics heavily praised the episode, stating that Squnschpunsch was about to be the best animated show of all time with how good this premiere was. Viewers around the world were shocked at how amazing this show is. But only one person realized what truly happened.

Prez: Winter…..did you just take a Henry Danger episode and turn it into Squnschpunsch?

[Wumbo]

Bwahahahaha! It’s HALLOWEEN, boils and ghouls! And you know what that means: it’s time for another One Hit Wonderland: Spooooktacular Edition!

*coughs* Sorry, I’ve been misinformed. I am now told that it is, in fact, June, and I’m supposed to be writing yet another hypothetical on the fate of the SpongeBob Community. Hey guys, Wumbo here. I don’t write anything anymore! I’m not quite sure why jjs wanted me to do this. But it’s okay, after the smashing success of my half-episode fart “SpongeBob and Patrick Vote for Obama” or whatever, I’m sure that nothing will go wrong with this hypothetical! So… sorry, let me get into the mood. *ahem*

Picture this. An online forum community dedicated to unhealthy worship. You got it? I know it’s a bit of a stretch, but stay with me here. This worship is not directed towards a TV show, a music artist, or even a celebrity! No, this worship centres around something much more sinister: an online reviewer. Not just any online reviewer, but one who keeps his mask mostly obscured in the shadows! And his name is Todd! Why, you might call him a “Todd in the Shadows” of some sort! Oh, most online forums centre around things that are at least somewhat in the mainstream. But to be second banana to the Nostalgia Critic? Well, that’s a special type of niche that only the wildest guesses could imagine. So imagine with me, if you will, the answer to this question…

Episode 27: Is SBC a Trainwreckord?

Wait, no, that’s not it. Sorry, let me try again…

Episode 27: What If… SBC Was a Todd in the Shadows Community?

The year is 2010. Clapmaster, who is a frequent user of the ThatGuyWithTheGlasses message board, grows weary of the board’s focus on The Nostalgia Critic. He wants to see his favourite reviewer, Todd in the Shadows, get more love. So he creates the TITS community, and after waving away dozens of horny, confused old men, he vows never to use the acronym again. Rather than only accepting members from the ThatGuyWithTheGlasses forum, as is common practice, Clapmaster allows anyone to join! Gradually, the forum increases in popularity with users like Wumbology, katnisslovestacos, and Old Man Mr. Meeseeks declaring their admiration for the hooded, shadowed pop music reviewer.

Things are harmonious until August 27, 2013, when a user named President Squidward joins. He suggests that there is more to TGWTG music reviewing than simply Todd in the Shadows. He suggests that the Todd in the Shadows Community merge with the upstart forum, Rap Critic Community. Well, oh, my, GOD, Clapmaster (now known as Clappy) can’t believe this and bans President Squidward on the spot. This leads to a lot of infighting on the Todd in the Shadows chatroom, until katniss hijacks the conversation by posting the song “Got an Itchy Leg” over and over again. Clappy scratches his leg and reluctantly agrees to allow President Squidward back into the forums and begins correspondence with the Rap Critic community. Unfortunately, the Rap Critic Community is still sore from the Accidental Racist review and the two forums remain separate, though some users join both forums out of curiosity. Butt What?

The Todd in the Shadows Community weathers the storm of #ChangeTheChannel, with tens of refugees from the Channel Awesome forums flocking to the community. The forum becomes rife with derogatory Nostalgia Critic memes. “A BAT CREDIT CARD” becomes the most-used phrase on the forums. The original members begin to fear that the Nostalgia Critic memes are overtaking the forum, and its members are losing touch with its original purpose, save for Wumbo, who gleefully participates in every meme until it’s distressingly unfunny. Wumbo, who is now an admin at this point, suggests that the community award the Noble Critic award to the user who has the best Doug Walker memes. This is the final straw, and Wumbo is banned from the community for five months. If only all online forum drama was this tame!

Upon Wumbo’s return, he brings to the community’s attention the existence of a subreddit dedicated to Todd in the Shadows. Rather than recruit members from the forum, the users of the Todd in the Shadows community make special note of their obsession with Trainwreckords. The Doug Walker memes quickly shift over to Trainwreckords memes. Occasional poster jjsthekid posts “Is Pink Floyd’s The Wall a Trainwreckord?” mere days before Doug Walker’s disastrous takedown of The Wall. He is forever awarded the Noble Critic award.

The Todd in the Shadows community still continues to this day, though with less frequency given Todd’s less frequent output. A Discord server is created to discuss various topics outside of Todd’s videos. In the tv and film channel, many users happen to express an affinity for SpongeBob SquarePants.

Did they deserve better? Hell no.

[Katniss]

Excellent work, no notes 

[Jjs Goodman]

Before SBC What If’s, Jjs’ Riffing Theater 3000 was one of the most successful works on the community bonding many together. It was permanently laid to rest back in 2023 with Tales from the Internet, which Jjs thought was a perfect note to send it out on even with its ambiguous ending. But what if…it kept going and overstayed its welcome?

Episode 28: What If…Jjs’ Riffing Theater Jumped the Shark?

The people craved MOAR! In this timeline, Jjs caved to the people’s demands and kept making more Riffing Theater miniseries to mixed results. Clappy and Wumbo also continued to contribute despite protests from one lurker angered that “adults shouldn’t be riffing” because apparently there’s an age limit of when people can no longer contribute to friend projects. I for one appreciate Clappy being able to still occasionally riff while juggling a family in this timeline, great balanced work ethic. However, there were subconscious wonders within the veteran riffers if they could still come out swinging after this long. To balance them out, of course newer members joined along. Some riffers who hadn't appeared in years would also drop by occasionally and cause the Leo pointing meme. Now here’s a speedrun of riffs that occurred in this timeline.

Jjs’ Riffing Theater 3000: Enter the Atrocityverse

Because he was the natural punching bag to pick, the riffing crew decided to rip Mr. Enter a new one in this miniseries. There were concerns if they’d be able to say anything that hasn’t already been said about him, but they took the task. One of the obvious picks was his Turning Red review.

Enter: This film takes place less than a year after the September 11 terrorist attacks. I bring this up because it radically altered the culture of the time, in ways that make this movie feel exceptionally ignorant of the time.

Jjs: Here it is folks, one of the most despised and mocked moments in cartoon reviewing history (also why most of you joined)! I’m gonna bow out and let y’all have fun with this one.

Slug:  

JCM: I’m glad someone else agrees that children’s movies need to have their characters directly look into the camera and address historical tragedies.

Ex: So hypothetically let’s say the movie had seriously addressed 9/11, I’m curious what his reaction would’ve been. What if it wasn’t respectful enough?? Careful what you wish for!

OMJ:  

WhoBob: If the movie had addressed it, I hope Mei would’ve said “America deserved 9/11” just to make things more interesting.

Steel: For all we know, maybe it takes place in a timeline where 9/11 never happened. That would’ve had many potentially interesting world building implications.

Clappy: Something else that’s exceptionally ignorant is denying COVID’s existence. Good thing the film didn’t take place in 2020 instead or Enter would’ve had a tantrum when the characters address it.

Enter the Atrocityverse received mixed reviews. While the Turning Red riffs were praised as the standout, the rest of the miniseries didn’t have enough substance to take potshots with beyond Squidward Torture Porn and 9/11 jokes. Users lamented the lack of surreal goofiness that helped make Doug entertaining despite his many faults. Turns out riffing a miserable asshole isn’t that entertaining. Oh well, they can’t all be winners. Many chalked this up to a fluke and hoped that the next miniseries idea would be better.

Jjs’ Riffing Theater 3000: The Gamer Grievances 

Since riffing a miserable asshole critic didn’t work, the riffing crew tried a goofier critic per Fred’s request. It didn’t get many participants since Irate Gamer was a niche subject. One of the chosen episodes was the infamous Super Mario Bros 2 review which had been a frequent source of memes.

Irate Gamer: First of all, there’s nothing remotely familiar in this game that was included in the previous ones. And the real shitshocker is that the villain of the previous game has been replaced by a fat frog named Wart. This makes no sense whatsoever!

Jjs: An Italian plumber with super jumping powers fights a dragon-turtle in a magical land of mushrooms and THAT’S what baffles him the most?

Fred: What a fuck load of shit…shocker. 

Steel: It’s like they always say in Brooklyn, the early bird catches the worm…or is it frog?

Fa: “Nothing remotely familiar” even though Mario’s in it. Unless that’s a doppelgänger?

The Gamer Grievances did not receive much traction since it was a smaller theater. While some liked the more chill style that harkened back to the original Riffing Theater’s smaller projects, there overall wasn’t much to say about Irate Gamer’s antics. Oh well, hopefully the next one’s better.

Jjs’ Riffing Theater 3000: The Critic Chronicles 2

When the other flop critics don’t work for riffing material, you go back to who worked best! The crew chose another batch of Nostalgia Critic episodes not riffed on the first theater. The first episode chosen was Detective Pikachu because we had to shoehorn Pokemon in here somewhere.

Chester A. Bum: Critic, buddy, I have to tell you something. That joke is played.

Nostalgia Critic: (dismissive laugh) Wait a minute. Are you indicating that I, the Nostalgia Critic...

Chester A. Bum: You're gonna do the running joke about always doing running jokes, aren't you?

(A collage of NC running gags appears next to NC, including Casper the Friendly Ghost, the Bat Credit Card, Chuck Norris, Frying the Coke, and the Burger King, but NC pushes the gags away)

Wumbo: WHERE’S ELEPHANT

OMJ: Or the Big Lipped Alligator Moment? Then again, maaaaybe its omission here means Doug still likes it?

Jjs: Didn’t he already get this wallowing out of his system in Christmas with the Kranks? This is becoming more stale and tired than Pokemon’s formula.

Clappy: For real, how many fucking times is he going to beat this “running gag” of hating his old memes into the ground only to keep using them? We’re not who we were indeed.

Kat: Jokes about hating Pokemon and the classic era memes…yep, some things never really change.

Slug: REMEMBER THAT DOUG HATES POKEMON? REMEMBER CHESTER A BUM? REMEMBER BURGER KING? I CLAPPED WHEN I SAW THEM! 

Ex: If we really wanna ride down the nostalgia (hehe) memory lane, can I rewatch Kickassia for the first time while blazed? It’d be better than this.

Winter: As someone with minimal NC knowledge, I joined this because of Pokemon, and now I’m completely lost. Great start!

The Critic Chronicles 2 received mostly apathetic or negative reactions, with the common sentiment that it repeated itself and added nothing the first Critic Chronicles didn’t already say. Shrek 2 this was certainly not. This permanently put the nail in the coffin of Nostalgia Critic memes for SBC and nobody wanted to talk about him ever again. Jjs publicly apologized and promised no more critic riffs. Whispering sentiment began to circulate that riffing theater might be out of steam.

Jjs’ Riffing Theater 3000: The Simpson Slayer

No more critics, so the team took another stab at cartoons. Since Family Guy got riffed, it made sense to riff its cousin too. Jjs had reservations about going through with this but had no better miniseries ideas, so why not? (Which is essentially what happened with Family Guy Funny Moments oops) One of the chosen episodes was No Good Read Goes Unpunished due to an infamous scene that’s been memed to death.

Lisa: Something that started decades ago and was applauded and inoffensive is now politically incorrect... What can you do?

[scene pans to a photo of Apu]

Marge: Some things will be handled at a later date.

Lisa: If at all.

Jjs: It’s been 8 years since this episode and we’re still waiting on the “later date.”

Clappy: 50 seasons later and Apu is still missing from the show under “mysterious circumstances.” 

Wumbo: Cool, and here I’m still waiting for the actual fucking joke.

Slug: Al Jean DESTROYS liberals by…doing nothing at all.

WhoBob: Why the hell is Lisa taking the anti-PC stance here? 

Dman: I’m more fascinated by the implications of them randomly having a photo of Apu in their house.

Nuggets: I could write a whole 2012 me essay on why this scene fucking sucks, but that’s giving this spineless nothing “statement” more credit than it deserves. Grown adults really sat down, thought this was an intelligent way to tackle the issue and gave themselves pats on the back lmao. Never fear, We Have Stories For Years

Steel: Simpsons predicted it again! 

The Simpson Slayer received middling reviews. While their efforts were commended, it was painfully obvious the riffers didn’t have much material to riff in the most boring slop imaginable. They learned riffing cartoons are certainly not their wheelhouse, but they tried their best. One user who will remain anonymous also decided to leave the community after this because they couldn’t stand the sight of Homer’s face.

Jjs’ Riffing Theater 3000: And Then There Were Less 3 Deluxe

Okay, so critics and cartoons are out. Let’s go back to what once worked: riffing SBC stories! And Then There Were Less 3 was considered the best riff of the original theater’s run, so Jjs decided to “remaster” it for the new generation. This gave people a chance who never riffed the original to have fun.

Our story opens to the beautiful scene of the city Las Vegas, and we see a bus arriving in front of a hotel. Fifteen SBCers have arrived in front of a hotel in Las Vegas, getting off a bus. We see Clappy standing in front of a hotel.

SpongeOddFan: Uh Clappy, can you explain to us again why we are here in Las Vegas?

Clappy: It all started when I rushed into production of this sequel with no plan…

Jjs: It's too bad Clappy didn't specify this to begin with on his invitations. 

WhoBob: Let him enjoy standing in front of the hotel smh.

OWM: I hear the gambling odds are nice this time of the year.

Trophy: Here to cheer on the Raiders cause they sure could use the support.

Dman: Not the SBC meet-up location that I had in mind, but alright.

Kat: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. 

Fred: To film Paul Bart: Mall Cop 2, which was coincidentally also shot in Vegas. Probably not an omen.

While members who weren’t on the original appreciated getting a chance to riff it, there wasn’t much of a point to this beyond cheap nostalgia fanservice bait. Also jabs at SOF’s writing are stale and mean spirited by this point. Some unsurprisingly even felt it was inferior to the original. It had mildly more interest than the previous installments due to the subject, but ultimately didn’t change anyone’s outlook on Riffing Theater’s future. Things were looking grim, to say the least. Does Jjs REALLY know how to play the game?

Jjs’ Riffing Theater 3000: Total Drama Alert

SBC drama is ratings gold, so in a unique swerve, the team would riff the most infamous moments from banned members in the style of iDubbbz Content Cop. What could go wrong? You already know who would be featured in it. One particular showcase was of a certain rival group that recently collapsed.

Skeeter aka BooBooKeys: *spams racial slurs and the Cycord crew stays oddly silent*

OMJ: Funny Muffler would never.

Fred: Skeeter Valentine would also never. Let’s call this one SKKKeeter.

Jjs: Remember when the Cy gang constantly acted “woke” and holier than thou? Yeah, hard to take that all in good faith now. All that’s missing from his rap sheet is sexual harassment and harassing autistic people-oh wait.

WhoBob: This was the final straw that made me realize Cy will never change. They attacked others for less, but this was apparently okay. There really isn’t much that sets them apart from 4chan or KiwiFarms. And no, ping spamming isn’t funny. Fuck them.

JCM: First time I visited Cy it was filled with slurs, and at the end it’s also filled with slurs. At least it came full circle. 

Slug: There’s a 50/50 chance he’ll find a lucrative career decrying cancel culture and how he “left the left.”

Dman: The bigger question: Does Harold condemn his keys’ behavior?

Winter:

However, the offended exiled members banded together and sued SBC for defamation, cutting this theater’s run short. Jjs channels his Saul Goodman powers and finds a loophole to quash it. The actual riffs received divided responses; while there were funny moments, most felt it was beating dead horses. Due to nearly causing a lawsuit, some wondered if it was even worth continuing riffing theater at this point. But Jjs was undeterred and had another risky idea.

Critikal’s Moist Meter 3000: The Trope Terminator

In a publicity stunt to shake things up, Jjs stepped out and had MoistCritikal (guest staring as himself) replace him as lead riffer. Everyone including Jjs himself were surprised they had the budget to afford his talents for a small community. Maybe some new blood is what the theater needs. Critikal would riff tvtropes pages with the SBC members. It was…certainly a bizarre combination, but the community was seated. One page riffed was Critikal's own tvtropes article, how meta!

Hype Backlash: Some people who are critical of Charlie’s content find it to be an example of “Internet slop”, mass-produced and low-effort Internet content, combined with his apathetic tone to whatever he’s reacting to. 

Critikal: Critical of my content, I see what you did there you big brained editors. I’m pretty sure this entry was written by one of Sneako’s alts. I can respect people who don’t like my content, but I’m mostly offended by the insinuation I’m “apathetic” when I personally feel I’ve managed to form a variety with my tonal range over the years. Remember that I was supposed to be an extra in Hunger Games and I got cut for being too good in the role. What a real dookie dogshit stinker of a trope page. It barely scratched the surface of my complex history and half their tropes make no fucking sense. Plugging my page into the Moist Meter, it gets a 20% and that’s being generous. Anyways, the other day I was at Walmart, and this old guy looked at me thinking I was Jesus. He then fell over and died. I might do jail time for that. That’s about it, see ya.

Steel: Well…that just happened and I don’t think we were finished the page. I don’t know how to conclude this. Talk about a Gainax Ending.

Wumbo: Hilarious in Hindsight

Fred: Let’s end this with a Dancing Bear.

While Critikal’s involvement amused some people, others did not feel his style jelled well with SBC’s. Several even went as far as to declare this the moment the theater officially jumped the shark, finding the idea of SBC partnering with a popular YouTuber a ridiculous betrayal. It’s also hard to riff tvtropes when it’s already basically parody. At points, people thought to themselves “wait, why the hell am I reading this?” which you’re probably asking right now. The people exited this one more unsure and burnt out on Riffing Theater than ever before, officially declaring it cooked. 

Jjs was stumped. The team was at a loss on what to do next, feeling they’ve exhausted every idea. Jjs then got one last desperate bold idea to save the theater, and they would do it even if it kills them. 

Jjs’ Riffing Theater 3000: The Musk Massacre

The team would riff Elon Musk’s tweet history. Yes, really. It was certainly no easy task to condense a sea of brainrot into a miniseries. When this was announced, the community was terrified but morbidly curious to see how it’d play out. 

Elon:

Jjs: Freeze Peach.

Wumbo: Concerning…

Slug: In a shocking move, Elon has banned any discourse of the Confederacy of Independent Systems. Long Live The Empire!

JCM: Sad day for any individuals that wanted to discuss the Commonwealth of Independent States.

OWM: No Computer Information Systems discussion either.

Ex: Time to drop the really big bomb: Elon is in the CIS files. That is the real reason they have not been made public. Have a nice day!

Clappy: The term “DOGE” is an offensive slur. Shame on anyone who uses it. 

WhoBob: Damn, he’s more heartbroken over this than Teslas killing people and Vivian hating him.

…But the riffers couldn’t do it. The cringe, the conspiracies, the bigoted dog whistles, the garbage AI memes, the embarrassing begging for Grimes take him back, the flip flopping and deleted posts…it was too much for any sane individual to handle. The cringe ended up killing this riffing team and stopping the theater dead in its tracks faster than Twitter’s revenue stream. It was that bad. And you know what’s worse? Now nobody will ever know the secret meaning behind Tales from the Internet. The screen goes black for good.

In loving memory of the Riffing Theater team. The community never forgot their brave sacrifices. Out of respect for the families, riffs were never attempted again. For those who wanted them to die, I hope you’re happy it came to this.

Did you know that over 100 people a year die from cringe? It may not seem like much, but it’s more than the amount of fanboys Musk has left now. 

This is why you should leave well enough alone. Let Riffing Theater rest in peace or this may happen.

[WhoBibbles]

Welcome dear readers. It is I, Cherry Cheesecake Man from Earth-G7! I was a character in an episode of What If until I gained cosmic cherry meta awareness and became the narrator of this episode. That’s what I get for beating a dinosaur with hammers while I was high on cherry cheesecake. Anyways, this isn’t about me. This is about a wacky forum called SBC and their obsession with a yellow kitchen sponge. You might wanna ask, dear reader. What could go wrong If SBCers decide to create a show called SpongeBob?

Episode 29: What If... SpongeBob Was Created By SBCers?

This is the sacred timeline in which we have a bunch of SBC members talking about their interests. One day, JCM had this crazy idea.

JCM: “Hmmm, I just thought of something really fun, members. We should build a time machine!”

Everyone was at first confused by what JCM wants to do with a time machine, but they all decided why the fuck not. So every member got together in the USA, they even smuggled WhoBob from Turkey. They all bought gears and products from the same dealer Phineas and Ferb get to build their machines.

So they used their brains and muscles to build a perfect time machine.

JCM: “Alright, gang, we are traveling back to 1997, to meet Stephen Hillenburg to witness the creation of SpongeBob!”

Everyone: “Hooray!”

So they traveled back in time but due to the time vortex appearing above Hillenburg, he got sucked into it, leaving him stranded on whatever timeline he went off to.

JCM: “Well, shit. We lost the creator of SpongeBob. This could really affect the timeline folks, what are we gonna do!?”

Clappy: “I say, we find Hillen-”

Prez: “WE CREATE SPONGEBOB IN THE NAME OF STEPHEN!”

JCM: “...sure why not. Best to honor our guy.”

Clappy: "So I guess we are going with this. Hillenburg will be fine I bet!"

So they decide to gather the cast and crew to make SpongeBob. What happens next is very messy.

Carotte: “I say we have more SpongeBeak content added here.”

Wumbo: “We gotta make Mrs. Puff rougher, make I’M THE HUFF her catchphrase!”

Katie: “More focus on Plankton being a bitchy husband!”

Steel: “We have to put some Simpsons references on the show too. Kids love references.”

Wumbo: “That’s right!”

Kat: "We gotta add Todd in the Shadows as a guest star eventually."

Dman: "Wouldn't he be too young in this timeline?"

Kat: "Don't overthink it.

Salmon: "Squidasaurus Rex is appearing many years before the movie cuz I said so!"

WhoBob: "Unlike the cowards of post-sequel writers, let's make SquidBob officially canon. We are adding so many gay sex jokes into this show."

Cha: "I already am thinking of making bunch of SquidBob plotlines."

Omair: "We can't do SquidBob if we don't do Squidiam first!"

Winter: “But we can't make this show If we don't have the art style be MarkerBob!”

Everyone else: “yep, yep yep.”

So they finally made their first season which turned out to be a fucking mess. But the audience loved how horrible this was. It lasted for 6 seasons and a movie. They weren’t aware that people just love their trashy content just as much as they loved a well written show. Even Mr. Enter became a fan of it, much to anyone's surprise. And despite the quality being shit, it made for hilarious memes and tiktok videos people can share with each other.

Now this timeline officially became Earth-SBC.

And Hillenburg was captured by TVA and got sent into the void with me, Cherry Cheesecake Man. Now we became bestest of pals and spent our days eating nothing but cherry cheesecake and talking about our overlord Doug Ford.

[Steel Sponge]

30. What If...Nickelodeon Owned the SBC Spin-Offs?

One year...nobody knows what year it was exactly, but it marked a point in history in which Viacom decided that if they were going to keep Nickelodeon afloat, they were going to have to act fast. Well, except for the whole part of this company being called Viacom, because as of this writing, they are now referred to as ViacomCBS...oh wait, that still isn’t right? For fuck’s sake. Anyways, Paramount... – actually, you know what? This is a hypothetical story anyways, and we don’t want to get sued, so let’s make some last minute changes.

ViacomountCBSSkydanceKonamiSiliconValleyIKEA, shortened to Viacomount to make it sound less annoying (or shortened to just Viacom because that’s what we all still call them), saw dwindling viewership for Nickelodeon. They have been so busy building up their own personal Marvel universe with their most successful IP, SpongeBob SquarePants, while throwing everything else to the wolves, and yet their network wasn’t doing so hot. Even after the Nicktoons channel rebranded to NickSpongeBob, it wasn’t good enough. A lot of people say it’s due to the oversatuation of their IP, while others theorized that the Quiet on Set documentary was somehow still powerful enough to get them cooked. Whatever the means, they were growing desperate to find ways to create new content. That was when they discovered the SpongeBob Community and its spin-off library, and just like that, everything about to change…

SBCers were alarmed by the news that the people down at Viacomount had purchased the rights to their spin-off library without any notice. To make matters worse, the members were forced to erase their stories so as to not leave evidence that these new spin-off ideas were being taken directly from a certain fan site. As a compromise, Viacomount promised to give the creators of the shows that they greenlit some creative control. These were the end results…

One-Time SpongeBob Characters: Where Are They Now?

In the current climate of the main series bringing just about every one-time character back as nostalgia pandering to the growing annoyance of its viewers, there were mostly high hopes for this upcoming spin-off. Wumbo, the creator, wanted the first season to focus mainly on the residents of Squidville – the clarinet trio, the Squids playing croquet, the turkey sandwich that someone heard better comebacks from, the canned bread, and of course the fire hydrant that Patrick assumed was Squidward. Instead, the executives at Nick insisted the season focuses mainly on Bubble Bass, therein by making it a glorified Bubble Bass spin-off. The series was canceled after one season, with Wumbo’s only contribution, while credited as ‘Squidward Tennisballs,’ being an episode where Bubble Bass kept screaming about a Mermaid Man credit card.

Squnschpunsch

Prez was clearly excited when Nickelodeon laid on him the news that they were going to turn his beloved crossover Squnschpunsch into a real series. The excitement fell short as there were some conditions that Prez wasn’t all too satisfied with. Nickelodeon chose not to recast Rick Jones as Maurizio and also suggested having Jacob being voiced by an AI of the late Harry Hill. After some meddling, Chris Pratt was cast as Maurizio while Jacob was voiced by an actual raven that was perched within the Nickelodeon animation studio and sometimes uttered “Nevermore.” Rodger Bumpass remained the voice of Squidward, but the state of the show’s strong promises had diminished. The humor of Squnschpunsch was reduced to bare-bones Squidward torture and gross-out. Even though Nickelodeon lived up to one of the wishes of Prez by having Glass Animals perform “Heat Waves” in one episode, they couldn’t make him happyorr naaaaooooo. It was canceled after one season.

Pisces Moon

Two spin-offs created by Steel Sponge were greenlit – The Adventures of No Name, which ended up being an unsold pilot, and Pisces Moon, the latter in which Nickelodeon boasted would be their very own Star Wars, to the point where J.J. Abrams would take over in the middle of production, making swift changes to some of the characters, such as giving Sandy an unexplained hatred for sand, and Titan an unorthodox fascination with boxes. Steel’s most notable contribution was including a cameo of Lisa Simpson (or rather, Asil Nospmis, to avoid copyright lawsuits) looked to the camera and said “A company notorious for letting down its consumers reaches out to you to salvage their business, and the very next moment, they sell you down the river. What can YOU do?” before staring at the viewer for five minutes until the episode ends. This, of course, would be the thirteenth and final episode before the series was dropped due to the network not having the budget to let it continue.

The Silly Adventures of Patrick Star

Despite Nickelodeon already having a Patrick-focused spin-off on their line-up, they thought that one wasn’t enough and decided to greenlight JCM’s own Patrick show. Although things were looking up this time, an abrupt change in management stifled the show’s quality when a production company going by the name of United Seasponge Studios took over. The spin-off ended its run prematurely on the Nickelodeon channel, but it would continue airing on the Skibidi Toilet Kids channel.

Skodwarde

Skodwarde, created by OMJ, and one of the most popular long-running series in the SBC spin-off archive, was picked up, but a lot of changes had to be made. In order to make Skodwarde more TV-friendly for the network, 4Kids was revived to take up the strenuous task of Bowdlerizing the series until it no longer resembled Skodwarde. All the past edgy and raunchy humor was traded in for puns, the titular character now reads “Eat, Pray, Love” and sings the national anthem in his past-time, the Krusty Krab served jelly donuts instead of Krabby Patties, SpongeBob was given an unexplained Brooklyn accent, and instead of Scotty (the new name given to the title character) using his god powers for evil, he uses them to teach basic and religious morals. Despite all of these drastic changes, OMJ would still manage to include some potshots towards Nick by way of sneaking in caricatured cameos of disgraced former Nickelodeon creators Dan Schneider, Butch Hartman, and John K. to keep the spirit of the original Skodwarde alive. The rights to Skodwarde were then given to Funimation, who were told by Nickelodeon to ‘do whatever the hell you want with it.’

Jjs’ Riffing Theater 3000

Despite Jjs’ wishes for an animated version of Scooter’s Paradise, and despite not being a SpongeBob-inspired creation, the executives of Nickelodeon picked up the Riffing Theater for a full series, as they saw greater opportunities with the format. One of those opportunities being allowing SBC members to react to characters from their other shows reacting to their show being canceled (“Bye Bye Beavers” is finally televized to the public as a result). The riffers focused solely on riffing the network itself that forced this on them than on the material being presented to them, and needless to say, they showed no kind words for their bosses. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when one of the subjects of the riffing was footage of Tiny Chef having a half-hour mental breakdown. Even though Nickelodeon wanted this to continue, they still ended up pulling the plug due to all of the riffers quitting. There was a proposal to implement actual SB characters in the series as riffers, but no one wanted to take up the job of mocking Rock from Rock Paper Scissors coping with the cancellation of his show by stress eating pints of ice cream, among other sadistic creations from the Sponge.

SpongeBob’s Host

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, wait, you thought I was being serious with this one?

 

Several other failed spin-offs later, and it would be announced that Nickelodeon will go off the air for good, as ViacomountCBSSkydanceKonamiSiliconValleyIKEA would then later file for bankruptcy. The spin-off rights would eventually go back to the respective SBC members and were re-archived on said site. Even though the answers were abundantly clear, when a few former Nickelodeon executives were asked about what went wrong, they would all say they never understood why their versions of the SBC spin-offs failed. When the SBC members were approached about their experiences working with Nick, they didn’t seem to have so much to say…

Jjs: Well, you know what they say in Brooklyn – early to bed, early to catch the worm. ...Or, is it the bagel?

JCM: Maybe the real spin-offs were the friends we’ve made along the way. Except Skibidi Toilet Kids, they’re not my friends.

Steel: I may have gone too far in a few places…

OMJ: I was hoping they’d let me make a show about SpringBoob SquirePin.

Wumbo: I’m my own man.

Prez: It was okay I guess, but that pesky raven still owes me $100.

(Quoth the raven: Nevermore.)

 

After all was said and done, the SBC members have all went back to their own normal lives. Whatever remained of Viacom now can’t help but wonder how a ragtag bunch of netizens from an internet community dedicated to a cartoon about a sea sponge could have such a stranglehold on real life events. But hey...that’s just a theory...A SPIN-OFF THEORY! HELLO, INTERNET!-

[MatPat was found and subsequently evacuated from the SBC What If’s… studio.]

[Bob Carotte]

Squilliam has been ignored by the SpongeBob crew for far too long. Here we'll give the fans what they want and answer what if...he finally returned...again?

31. What if...Squilliam Returned...Again?

(Twitter)
Dave Cunningham: I hope you enjoyed the timeline twist-up special! Just to let you know we will drop another new episode featuring a character you haven't seen in a while THIS Friday at 7 pm est/4 pm pst! Stay tuned!
Random user 1: can't wait!
Random user 2: I don't care anymore, you guys try so hard to make the next meme face...
Random user 3: Is it Squilliam? 
Dave (replying to user 3):

(SBCcord, after the above tweet was shared)
Carotte: Yeah I'm hyped, based on the replies it seems like Squilliam is coming back!
Salmon: I just hope it’s not nostalgia bait again
jjs: I love how these random characters keep coming back yet Squilliam returns after 15 years lol
Québécois narrator (from Bizarro Bottom): 3 days later…

It’s a normal day at the Krusty Krab, just before rush hour.
SpongeBob: ORDER UP! (rings bell repeatedly and Squidward sighs) 
Squidward: Another day, another migraine…
Squidward: (gives the patty to Lady Upturn) Here you go, enjoy your Krabby Patty.

Note to readers who don’t know a thing about modern SB: Lady Upturn is the rich woman who speaks with a posh accent and basically everything offends her.

Lady Upturn: Excuse me??? You forgot my precious worm Fifi’s Krabby Patty!
SpongeBob: Whoops sorry! (gives Fifi a tiny Krabby Patty in 2 seconds) Enjoy your patties made with love!
Lady Upturn: (awkward) Uh yeah thanks… (muttering) This sponge gets on my nerves…
As Lady Upturn sits on her table, a creature wearing a big coat and a mask with glasses and mustache enters the restaurant. Everyone stares at him.
Squidward: (still annoyed) May I take your order sir?
Mysterious guy: Yes, I’d like to order a Krabby Patty and coral bits.
Squidward: You sound oddly familiar, reminds me of-
Mysterious guy: (covering his mouth) Yeah yeah I prefer to keep my identity secret.
Mr. Krabs: (appears out of nowhere) Secret??? Arrrgh I know it’s you Plankton! 
Mysterious guy: What are you talking about? Hey, don’t touch me! (runs away and Mr. Krabs chases him)
Mr. Krabs: (as he catches him) Nice try, Plankton! (takes off the mask and gasps)
Customers: (gasp)
SpongeBob: …Is that who I think it is?
Squidward: It’s…SQUILLIAM FANCYSON!!! AHHHH!!!
Squilliam: That’s right! I wanted to make you a surprise visit, but your sweaty boss spoiled it. Say, you’re still working here after all these years?
Squidward: It’s none of your business! During these 15 years I haven’t missed you one bit! You think I like this place? I have to be with this moron all day to begin with!
SpongeBob: (making a very goofy face) Hey Squidward, nyayayaya!
Squilliam: Well, it seems like you don’t enjoy life as much as I do now! Lemme tell you what happened to me. You know, the executives behind our show, didn’t let me in this show anymore, because they thought I wasn’t an interesting character then they forgot about me for so many years. 
Squidward: Ha-ha! I knew it, no one cares about rich characters these days, they just brag about their money and their belongings and how superior they are to normal people…
Lady Upturn: I am offended! How dare you say such horrible things?!
Squidward: I was mostly talking about him! Wait no! (Lady Upturn slaps him with her purse)
Lady Upturn: (to Mr. Krabs) Fire this cretin at once!
Squilliam: Who is that anyway? Have I been replaced by a rich Karen?
Lady Upturn: First, my name is not Karen! Second, yes I replaced you because I have a lot more personality than you! At this point I’ve appeared in more episodes and contributed more to the show than you!
Squilliam: Yeah right, you look just like a stereotypical rich English woman. Also, I might have appeared in less episodes, but I have more fans than you! Most fans of this show don’t even know who you are. 
Lady Upturn: Ohhh…I am OFFENDED! 
Background fish: I work at your mall, and I’ve heard you utter your last 3 words at least 10 times a week.
Squilliam: You said it twice already in the past few minutes, what a one-dimensional character.
They continue arguing then they form a fight cloud.
Québécois narrator: Trois heures- uhh I mean three hours later…
They are still fighting until Vincent Waller and a gorilla in a suit enter the Krusty Krab.
Vincent: Good morning, friends, I’m the director of “SpongeBob SquarePants” and I demand Squilliam to get off the screen immediately! 
SpongeBob: But why?
Vincent: I didn’t authorize him to appear for more than one minute in an episode, so he needs to fuck off!
Gorilla: I’m Brian Robbins, the Nickelodeon CEO, and I concur that Squilliam is not needed, he’s past his prime.
Squilliam: WHAT THE FUCK?
Vincent: Come with me, you’re banned from appearing in the show for the next 15 years!
Squilliam: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Squidward: (dying of laughter)
Brian: Lady Upturn, you earned a promotion, and you will appear twice as often in the main show and Patrick show episodes! Congratulations!
Lady Upturn: Oh I’m flattered! 
Squilliam: YOU WILL PAY FOR THIS SQUIDWARD!!!!!!!

Vincent and Brian leave with Squilliam in a submarine and take him very, very far away.

 

[Jjs Goodman]

Credit to Clappy who wrote this one.

Hello. I am The Lurker. I observe all that transpires here on SBC. But I do not, can not, will not…interfere. Join me on the journey to face the unknown and ponder the question…

32. What If...Nostalgia Critic Reviewed SBC?

Today’s What If is brought to you by Stamps.com

*the guns appear*

[Intro: Nostalgia Critic Theme Plays]

NC (to camera):
Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to!
And today… we’re not diving into a movie… or a TV show…
No, folks.
We’re diving into a community.
A fandom.
A yellow, porous, perpetually memed, pineapple-dwelling fandom.
That's right.
Today we're talking about The SpongeBob Community.

NC (voiceover):
So back in the early 2000s, while the world was busy arguing whether or not SpongeBob was secretly an adult show in disguise, a little corner of the internet formed from tv.com — DAMN YOU FORUM FOR MAKING ME DO RESEARCH — like barnacles on a boat hull, slowly but surely building a base: The SpongeBob Community.

What started as message boards and fansites — you know, back when making a fansite didn’t require selling your soul to Squarespace — turned into a multiverse of SpongeBob discussion, memes, fan theories, episode rankings, and occasional identity crises.  What the fuck does My Little Pony have to do with SpongeBob?

NC (to camera):
Imagine a place where you can argue for 36 hours about whether “Band Geeks” is better than “Chocolate with Nuts.”

Where debates over “Pre-Movie vs. Post-Movie” get so heated, you’d think you were deciding the fate of civil wars.  Now how can you be civil if nobody likes either side of a civil war?  If you’re reading this 70s or tvguy; you’re both wrong! 

And every year, someone inevitably asks, “Why isn’t SpongeBob dead yet?”
BECAUSE YOU KEEP GIVING HIM TRAFFIC, THAT’S WHY!

NC (voiceover):
Now, the SpongeBob Community isn’t just one thing. It’s a collective — a multi-platform hydra spreading its tentacles across Reddit, Discord, SBM, and whatever’s left of DeviantArt. And God help you if you stumble into the lost media threads.

They’ve built WIKIS.
They’ve held ELECTIONS.
They’ve ranked EVERY EPISODE

Hell, you can ask them ANYTHING.  Well I’ve got a question for you forum, WHEN MOVIE…I mean!?!?

Malcolm (cutaway skit – with Malcolm dressed as JCM in full costume):
“Actually Cha, I prefer Season 7 because of the avant-garde direction in ‘One Coarse Meal.’ You see, the raw existentialism of Plankton's suicidal ideation is really—"

NC (to camera):
No.

Malcolm.
Stop.
Get some help.

Malcolm: Oh is Better Help today’s episode spons-

(NC beats up Malcolm as it cuts to an ad break)

_________________________________________________

Doug (now dressed as Jjs): Hey look. I can do riffing theater color changing word art too.

Rob (dressed as Clappy dressed as one of the Chart Guys): Slow down Jjs. The charts say that these ad breaks are basically free money so we should do these quirky ad breaks in costume as well. 

Malcolm (dressed as Wumbo dressed as the other Chart Guy): Sweet cherry cheesecake charts.

Doug/Jjs: Can’t argue that logic. And speaking of arguing logic, why are you still going to the post office for stamps?  When you can just go to stamps.com to order stamps.  Gets a 4-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale at https://www.stamps.com/nostalgia.

Doug’s cats (dressed as SBC’s own Kat but voiced by Doug): Thanks to Stamps.com for sponsoring our show and keeping food on our plates.

Jim Jarosz (dressed as OWM dressed as Jim Jarosz): Fuck yeah, sparkle sparkle!

_________________________________________________

NC (voiceover):
Here’s what makes The SpongeBob Community fascinating.
They love SpongeBob.
They hate SpongeBob.
They ironically love what they unironically hate and unironically love what they once ironically hated.

It’s a fandom in a constant state of memetic whiplash.

One minute it’s:

“Nickelodeon has RUINED this show, I’m leaving the forums!”

Next minute:

“Season 11 actually has some underrated gems if you squint through the tears, enough said, true believers ;).”….what the hell is a true believer?  Of what?  Do Nicktoons have their own religious agenda?  Can I join the holy following of Ren & Stimpy?

And then:

“LET'S WATCH IT IN SPANISH. IT’S FUNNIER IN SPANISH.”

NC: Where is Tamara as Sexy Spanish Sandy Cheeks?

Malcolm: She quit about a year ago.

NC: You know what that means.

(Malcolm gets dressed up as Sexy Spanish Sandy Cheeks against his will)

Malcolm: Hola y’all!

NC (to camera):
But hey, I’m not here to dump on them no matter how many fucking times they dump on me.  Because I live rent free in everyone’s head!  Change the Channel, my ass!  And at the end of the day, the SpongeBob Community represents something kind of beautiful.
They took a cartoon about a squeaky-voiced sponge flipping burgers — and outside of the occasional discussions about him into an ongoing discussion about music, movies, art, and culture.  A satirical look of online fandom behavior.

And somehow…
They made it FUN.  There are more discussions about SpongeBob in this review than the forum has actually had in years.

Yes, there’s drama.
Yes, there’s obsessions about other things besides SpongeBob.
Yes, they write weirdly sexual fanfics— what the fuck is a Bikini Top?  

(Twelve hours later)

NC: Okay, I’m not going there again. Ever.

NC (cutaway of him scrubbing his eyes with bleach):
“WHY DO TENTACLES BEND LIKE THAT?!”

But there’s also community, creativity, and an undying passion that somehow keeps SpongeBob more alive online than on TV.

NC (to camera, sincere tone):
The SpongeBob Community isn’t just about SpongeBob.
It’s about nostalgia (critics).
It’s about creativity.
It’s about refusing to grow up and still somehow being better at media literacy than half the adults on Twitter/X.

So whether you’re a Squidville purist…
A Kamp Koral apologist…
Or just here for Bubble Bass cosplaying as me…as if I really sound like that!

You’re part of something bigger:
A weird, lovable, pineapple-scented community that refuses to sink.

NC (points dramatically):
So keep flipping those Krabby Patties, you beautiful bitches.  I’m the Nostalgia Critic… and I remember it so you don’t have to!

[END CREDITS with the tagline of SOF crusing her keyboard]

Today’s charity shout out is The Simpsons Discord Reacts….That’s Right

 

See you this fall for Season 5!

[dmandagiraffe]

We all know that The Room (2003) is one of the most revered and beloved films in cinematic history. From the dramatic script, to the impeccable acting, and the multiple photographs of spoons, every single aspect of it has been praised to the high heavens. And I completely agree...outside of one issue. This has always been more of a personal thing, but I never really enjoyed how this movie ends (SPOILERS: JOHNNY KILLS HIMSELF). It's a total downer and always puts me out of the hysterical mood I had before. But what if I told you with just one simple change in The Room's universe, this huge problem could ultimately be prevented, along with many others? Allow me to propose this entire idea to you with an image, and suddenly all will be clear...

...okay, maybe I should elaborate a bit more.

 

Episode 33: What If...Gary the Snail Was in The Room?

 

So, let's assume that pretty much everything that happens in the opening stretch of the movie is the same. Denny engages in a harmless pillow fight, Lisa orders a pizza, we get a nice shot of Johnny's ass; these scenes are all untouched. However, let's take a look at the flower shop scene to see our first major change.

 

Clerk: It'll be $18.

Johnny: Here you go, keep the change. Hi...

Gary: Meow.

Johnny: Is the kitty real?

Clerk: I'm not sure what it is. Someone came up and told me to give him away to my favorite customer. Would you like him?

Johnny: Oh sure, Lisa will love him. *checks name tag* Hi, Gary!

Gary: Meow!

 

"Aww, that's sweet! I'm sure Gary will improve the lives of everyone in this San Fran apartment!" If that's what you're saying right now, then you better prepare yourself, because there's still a good bit of drama to be had.

 

Johnny returns to the apartment.

Johnny: Hi, babe!

Lisa: Hey, who's that there?

Johnny: This is our new son Gary.

Lisa: Can we keep him?

Johnny: Sure, he's ours.

Gary: Meow!

Lisa: Johnny, he's perfect. I love him.

Johnny: Anything for my princess!

We hear a knock on the door. Johnny answers.

Johnny: Oh hi, Denny!

Denny: We need to talk for a bit.

They walk outside. We hear muffled speech.

Denny: Johnny, what the hell is this? You said you wanted me to be your only adoptive son and now there's this Gary guy? It's supposed to be just me! You're supposed to adopt me! You're my fucking father!

Realizing this is going to take a while, Lisa dials a number.

Mark: Hello?

Lisa: This isn't working out. We need to stop seeing each other.

Mark: Oh thank god, I can't keep going behind Johnny's back like this. See ya.

After the call ends, Lisa looks at Gary and unbuttons her blouse.

Lisa: It's hot in here, huh?

Gary: Meow?

 

Upon review, jjs has requested that I do not speak of what happens in the next scene. You know what? I couldn't agree more. I know this looks really bad, but trust me when I say this still leads to a happy ending. The things I do for Johnny...

 

The apartment is now filled with several pictures of Gary.

Gary: Meow meow meow, meow meow? Meow meow meow!

Lisa: Didn't you enjoy it?

Gary: MEOW!

He speeds out of the apartment, getting Johnny and Denny's attention.

Denny: Oh. Well, that solves my problem. I better get going.

Johnny: No Gary, come back! Denny, would you please help me?

Denny: I have homework to do. Bye!

Johnny: Fuck you, Denny!

While running, Johnny runs into Mark.

Johnny: Oh hi, Mark!

Mark: What's up, Johnny?

Johnny: I'm looking for my new son. I asked Denny to help me find him but he was too much of a chicken. Cheep cheep cheep cheeeeeeep!

Mark: Wait, you mean like the snail that just went past me?

Johnny: Is that what he is?

Mark: I think he's gone, Johnny. He was headed straight for the bay.

Johnny: He can't be gone! No! We need to go home and see if Lisa knows about this.

They both go back to the apartment.

Johnny: Lisa, what happened with Gary?

Lisa: I don't want him anymore.

Johnny: Why Lisa, why? Why would you do this to me? He was our son!

Lisa: Women change their minds ALL the time.

Mark: He would have been so good for you!

Lisa: I don't think so. I don't think any of you are. I'm leaving you, Johnny.

Lisa exits the apartment.

Johnny: Get out! Get out! GET OUT OF MY LIFE! *sigh* Well, at least I have you, my best friend, Mark.

Mark: It's hot in here, huh?

 

Yep, love wins! Unfortunately, I cannot describe this final scene either. But I think we can all agree that this is a much better ending than the one we got. Johnny doesn't die after all! And it's all thanks to our favorite snail, Gary. It's such a shame he died in season 14. Though Gary may be gone, his contributions to television and film (both animated and live-action) will never be forgotten. Rest in peace.

Also, in case you were wondering, Johnny and Mark adopt Denny, Johnny finally gets his promotion, Claudette recovers from her breast cancer, Denny doesn't have a near-death experience, half the cast become pro football players, and Lisa never tears Johnny apart. What an improvement, Mark!

[WinterArcanine]

Woof Woof! Hi guys, it’s me, Winter!

…what? You expected some weird silly character to narrate this? Well, no one else could possibly know how I was like as a 10 year old, so I was the only option for the narrator. Also everyone else, upon seeing how I was like back then, wanted nothing to do with it. 

Anyway, did you know that I almost joined SBC back in January 2013, when it was the SpongeBob Universe? Y’know, the wikia hybrid of SBC? Yep, believe it or not, I was almost on this website FIVE years earlier! The only thing that stopped me was that I didn’t have an email address at the time and was only able to join websites if my brother let me use his email. 

If you’re thinking it’s a shame we just barely missed out on five more years of me, you’d be mistaken. I was an extremely immature autistic 10 year old with nearly no social interaction before. It would not have gone well. With how bad my behavior was on wikias back then, it’s safe to assume on SBC, it’d be no better. But how exactly would this dumpster fire have gone down if I DID join SBC back then? Today we’ll find out the answer to...

Episode 34: What If...Winter Joined SBC in 2013?

It was a random day in January, when a new thread popped up.

“hi im wintermelon43 im new here. im 13 years old and i like spongebob of cuorse and also plants vs zombies. itll be fun to be on this forum.”

ok, so clearly this guy is a 9 year old, but whatever, it’s the spongebob universe days, everyone joining is way too young to be on an internet forum. But what is his first post like?

On the One Krabs Trash thread:

“I LOVE THIS EPISODE ITS THE BEST EPISODE EVER!!!! ITS SO FUNNY THERE ARE SO MANY FUNNY MOMENTS ITS SO FUNNY! ALL THE DIFFRENT DRINK HATS, THE FLEOTING SHOPPING LIST, LICKING DOORNOBS IS ILEGAL ON OTHER PLANETS, THE SKELETON FIGHT, HERE LIES SQUIDWARDS HOPES AND DREAMS, WHAT A BABY LOL!

BEST EPISODE OF THE SHOW 100/10!!! EVEN BETTER THAN ATLANTIS AND TURTH OR SQUIRE!”

Well, as long as he’s nice, the immaturity shouldn’t be too big of a deal. Surely he’s nice enough, right? …..right?

*Three weeks later, on the Truth or Square thread*

Winter: NO WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TURTH OR SQUIRE IS ONE OF THE BEST EPISODES OF THE SEARIES AND THE PATCHY MOMENTS ARE GREAT!!! ESPICALLEY THE WHALE SCENE THE OLD CARTOON AND ESPEICALLAY THE OTHER OPENING SCENES ARE GREAT. YOUR COMPLETLY WRONG!!!!!!

Jjs: Can you stop getting angry at literally anyone who disagrees with you, it’s seriously not a big deal.

Winter: ok its not but HE’S COMPLETLY WRONG! HOW COULD YOU POSSIBELY THINK THAT???

Wumbo: See, now you’re whining about other people’s opinions again. Grow up.

Jjs: ok but clearly it’s a big deal to you if this is how you react every time someone has a different opinion than you. This is really getting annoying, you do this just about every day at this point. As Wumbo just said, grow up.

Winter: im not whining about it im just saying that its not true. truth or square is good like come on

Box: Can we just ban this guy already, this crap is all he does here.

Clappy: ok, Wintermelon43, I’ve given you….how many warnings now for behaving like this? And refusing to tolerate opinions? I’m just gonna say this now: If you act like this again, I’m banning you. You keep causing arguments all the time, and honestly, it seems like that’s the main thing you do here. It’s clear you are not very mature, but I’ll give you one more chance to improve your behavior. If you continue to act like this, I am banning you.

Winter: ok i will

4EverGreen: Well, looks like I missed a LOT!  Honestly, I AGREE with Wintermelon43, Truth or Square HAS to be one of the best episodes of the ENTIRE series in my opinion!  I mean, when ELSE are you going to see Sandy and SpongeBob get MARRIED? Even though it was just a PLAY, it was still amazing to see that happen!  I respect Almy’s opinion though, even if I do NOT agree!  Now, for a REALLY bad TV movie episode, THAT would be Atlantis Squarepantis! Now THAT was truly terrible!  Enough said, true believers!

Winter: FINALLY SOMEONE AGREES THAT TURTH OR SQUIRE IS GREAT!!! I WAS STARTING TO THINK IM THE ONLY ONE! but atlantis is just as good!!! how could you possebly hate that?

Wumbo: Anddddd here we go again

JCM: Is this gonna be the rise and shine drama all over again

PatBack: What if I were to say I don’t like either truth or square or atlantis?

Winter: you guys are insane! how can you not like eithor of them? they are the best episodes!

Wumbo: Seriously, just respect other people’s opinions. Is it that hard?

Winter: im trying but these opineons are crazy, HOW THE F*CK ARE EITHER OF THESE EPISODES BAD??? its fine if you think that but its defieantly wrong

Hayden: See this is why people shouldn’t have kids

jjs: You’re not helping anything

Almy: I didn’t expect this much controversy from me saying that, so I guess I’ll explain my views further. *Writes three well written paragraphs on why he’s not a fan of Truth or Square*

Winter: WHAT NO IT IS NOT BAD YOU ARE WRONG. THIS EPISODE IS SO GOOD AND YOUR POST MAKES NO F*CKING SENSE, YOU ARE ABSUOLOTLY WRONG!!! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU GUYS

tvguy: This is entertaining ngl

Wumbo: Well guys, it’s official. Truth or Square is the best episode and any other opinion is absuolotly wrong!

Box: wtf does that even mean, “absuolotly” isn’t even a word

Wumbo: idk but it’s absuolotly wrong.

Teenj: You make some great points Almy, I fully agree with your post. 

Prez: Can we post minion yaoi?

Wumbo: Yes

Winter: (replying to Teenj) WTF AM I SEARESELY THE ONLY SANE PERSON HERE???

Wumbo: Wait wtf Prez you didn’t even exist yet

Clappy: And you’re banned. The fact that it took you literally two posts after my warning to return to your behavior says a lot about how immature you are. Until you grow up, you are staying banned from here. 

As a result of being banned, I would have forgotten about the website years later and never returned, causing me to never be on SBC, so no one met me (beyond the age of 10) and I would never have met anyone on here. But it gets even worse than that. Because I caused carottecord and sbc to discover the godliness of Old Man Patrick, without my presence, no one discovered Old Man Patrick, making both places significantly worse.

Let this be a lesson: Never allow 10 years to have accounts on the internet. They are far too immature.

[4EverGreen]

2013 Me used WAY too many Emojis!!!! Definitely mellowed out a bit since that happened!