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Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000: Family Guy Funny Moments

Jjs Goodman

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Uh oh Lois, SBC is riffing us now! Nyehehehe.


For this year's Riffing Theater miniseries, we'll be tackling 12 Family Guy episodes that don't represent those good old fashioned values. Credit to @Clappy again for this suggestion. We've begun working on the first episode, which will be coming soon! 

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Episode I: Lethal Weapons


Jjs: Hehehe look Lois, we’re riffing Family Guy now! I’m long past the stage of yelling over cartoons and I moved on from Family Man years ago…but damn, when Clappy suggested this idea, I could not resist. Family Guy, much like Nostalgia Critic, is a show of somewhat importance to SBC lore. A good amount of members here used to watch it and it’s spawned tons of memes in the community, mainly used to mock it nowadays. I used to be a big fan of Family Guy ever since I was a young lad. I would religiously watch it every Sunday night with the rest of that Animation Domination block. Around Season 12 though, I finally had enough and dipped because good lord, what an awful season that was. :bruh: There’s a few scant newer episodes I’ve seen since, but otherwise my days of following this show’s batshit antics are long done. Most knowledge I have of modern episodes comes from secondhand or a few out of context YouTube clips that get recommended to me once in a blue moon. (I see what you’re doing, trying to drag me back in; Well, I ain’t buyin’!) Mad respect to anyone who has bothered to keep up with it weekly, and I have heard it’s had a few occasional rebounds in quality, but I have no real desire to see what I’ve missed at this point. I’m so tired of adult animated shows running on indefinitely and refusing to stay in the grave. But that’s another conversation entirely. good am

Now I know what you’re thinking: so much of Family Guy essentially riffs itself, so can we really add any new perspectives you haven’t heard before? You’re not wrong to question the point of this. But, we’re a daring community, so I decided to take the challenge, even if I look like a sellout hack who is low on ideas. Much like with Nostalgia Critic, I want to paint a line that shows the decline over time and show what exactly went wrong. How exactly did we go from the early days to the fascinating trainwreck it is today? There’s a lot of reasons everyone’s said by now, but perhaps this trip through time will shed new light on why the show has the issues it does today. Or if we add nothing new to the conversations, then at least hopefully you'll get a few cheap laughs. It’s only fair we start from the beginning, so we’ll be kicking this off with a Season 3 episode from the classic era to show where some of the eventual problems began. As many fond memories as I have with the classic era episodes, those are not perfect by any means either and have several elements that haven’t aged well as you’ll see with this episode chosen. Admittedly this specific episode may be a strange choice, but we were low on options for this spot, oops. I know our NC riffs could drag at times for some, so these transcripts won't be as detailed, plus every episode is guaranteed only 22 minutes. Let’s roll.

OMJ: *barges out of closet and points at you angrily* Well that’s the best I could come up with. Long story short, I loved this show as a kid, would quote and talk about it a lot with friends in elementary, I got all three original seasons AND the Freakin’ Sweet Collection on dvd when I was like 11/12 because I loved the show so much, the show comes back on the air no doubt thanks to my purchases, I loved the newer episodes enough to get the next two season sets, I got Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story for my PSP thinking “holy crap Lois, it’s the freakin’ Family Guy movie! You know how much I wanted one of those!”, I even got some of the figures and whatnot from Suncoast back in the day (still regret not getting the Peter vs Giant Chicken double pack, fuck), the show kinda lost me somewhere between 2008-2009, I came back in 2011 because And Then There Were Fewer and Back to the Pilot were both that damn good, and I’ve more or less kept up with the show since then.

Do I still love the show as much as I used to? Of course not, but it still makes a good time waster whenever I have nothing better to watch and it still gets its laughs out of me, even in the modern day. I won’t deny that this show definitely has its stinkers, and the the episodes I saw in consideration for these riffs were the usual suspects as I expected, but the one we’re riffing here first definitely caught my attention. I was like, “Lethal Weapons? Really??” This was always one of my favorites of the OG 3 seasons and I honestly never heard anything bad said about it. Have I missed something during all my times watching this particular episode? I decided to come on board and help riff this one to see if this really is infamous enough to warrant being among some of the worst this show has to offer. 

[Theme song.


Episode opens with the Griffin family, Joe and Bonnie on a boat.]

Jjs: Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat!

Joe: Whoo-hoo baby! Twelve in a row!

Peter: [to Bonnie] You must've had a great body before it went all funhouse mirror on you.

Jjs: *laugh track*

OMJ: Heheheheheh, Bonnie was pregnant for like two and a half years at this point.

Lois: I can't believe how terrific you look.

Bonnie: Thanks. I've been taking tae-jitsu classes. You should come with me sometime.

OMJ: Holy crap! This reminds me of the time I took that tae-jitsu class with Rock Lee from Naruto!

Cutaway!OMJ: *breaks arms and legs due to heavy, earth shattering weights wrapped around them* This all seems very impractical.

Lois: I'd love to.

Bonnie: Oh, the baby's kicking. Want to feel?

Jjs: That baby will be kicking for another 7 years. No, really, for those not versed in Family Guy lore, that’s actually how long it takes for the baby to finally be born. The more you know!

OMJ: And she’ll be voiced by Sir Patrick Stewart.

Peter: Sure. Ow! Oh, You are freakin' dead, kid!

Lois: Peter!

Jjs: Whoa, hold on there, we’re not that edgy yet!

OMJ: 🎶My God, this kid is freakin’ DEEEEEAAAAAD!🎶

Meg: I love this time of year.

Jjs: Shut up Meg, I do not need this right now.

Brian: Me, too. The summer tourists are gone, and we finally have the town to ourselves before those idiots from New York show up to watch the leaves change and take over the whole place.

Jjs: Nice job jinxing it. Douche. It’s things like this that make me wish Brian had stayed dead.

OMJ: Ha. Leaves changing. I would never know the feeling.

Peter: It’s funny because he lives in Hawaii.

[Cars honking]


Brian: Leafers!

Peter: Holy crap! We gotta get outta here!

[Dramatic instrumental music]

Jjs: I respect this dramatic instrumental music choice, because New Yorkers are that scary.

Bonnie: What about the boat?

Jjs: Bonnie asking the important questions here.

Joe: Leave it!

OMJ: I bet they regret resisting the call of the Mystery Box now.

[Peter struggles to insert key into the car door]

Jjs: Can they raise the stakes any higher!?

Lois: Hurry, Peter! They're almost here!

Chris: We're too late!

[Car pulls up and New Yorkers get out of it]

New Yorker: Yo, Matty. Check out those colors. Yellow like a taxi, orange like the ball at the Knicks game and red like the sauce on my Mamma Mia's cu cazz.

Jjs: Don’t forget green like those crazy talking ninja turtles I see at night. 

OMJ: 🤌🏽

Matty: Yeah, and brown like the guys I don't pick up in my cab.

Jjs: At least he’s only bigoted towards brown people. He’s slowly but surely working his way up to becoming woke. I like to see the bright side where I can.

OMJ: … 🤌🏻

New Yorker: Beautiful!

ALL: Aaahhh!

Jjs: Real New Yorkers!

Diane Simmons: Good evening. Tonight's top story: Quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers."

Jjs: In case you guys haven’t realized, this episode really doesn’t like New Yorkers. 

Tom Tucker: They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. I think I speak for all of us when I say New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

Jjs: You could find and replace “New Jersey” instead of New York and it probably wouldn’t change the episode significantly. The stereotypes they’re going for are more or less the same. And no, I wouldn’t be offended either.

[Horns honking]

Jjs: Damn, we went from cars honking to the horns themselves doing the honking. I like this subtle evolution, but where do we go from here?

Lois: We're gonna be late for church.

Peter: Move it! Damn leafers.

Jjs: This can be chalked up to early installment weirdness, but Peter never really seems passionate or interested in religion in later seasons (then again, who knows if he even understands the concept to begin with), so him being this eager to get to church feels weird. Not really a criticism of this episode, just an intriguing observation.

OMJ: I think that side of him officially died when he tried to create a church revolving around The Fonz.

Meg: Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again!

Chris: I can't help it. I have these long dancer's legs.

Peter: Heheheheheh. It’s funny because they’re short and stout.

Meg: Move it!

Jjs: Once again, shut up Meg. Starting to see why they hate you so much now.

Stewie: Meg, stop whining! Chris, stay on your side! Lois, for God's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting!

OMJ: It’s almost as if Stewie just predicted the future trajectory of Lois’ character.

Lois: If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after church.

Jjs: Nothing to soothe those good old fashioned Christian values like a Big Mac.

OMJ: Or as it’s better known as in Season 6, most likely to avoid a lawsuit up the ass, McBurgertown!

Both: Mom!

Peter: Don't worry, we're going. 

[Lois glares at Peter]

Jjs: :glare: 

Oh… but you don't get the supersize.

Chris: But Dad!

Jjs: Fuck off Chris, you ungrateful asshole. Didn’t think I’d hate someone more than Brian or Meg this early on, but here we are.

OMJ: How did they manage to park a van in their car?

Peter: Okay, you can supersize, but no apple pie.

Jjs: Would you like an apple pie with thaaaat?

Meg: Come on!

Peter: Okay, you get an apple pie, but you can't blow on it.

Peter: Heheheheheh. Blow.

Jjs: And you can't eat it with a fork either.

Lois: Peter, don't contradict me in front of the kids!

Peter: Siblings fighting is as natural as a white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.

Jjs: You think DAT’s bad Lois? Behold our first cutaway gag!

Black Man: Wassup? Can I get two slices of pepperoni?

White Man: [Incoherent growling]

Jjs: Rumors say that if you can examine this white man’s incoherent growling very carefully, beneath it is a subtle abstract metaphor for Italian philosophy.

OMJ: I think this guy and that New York cab driver would hit it off pretty well.

[Family enters the crowded church]

Lois: Who are all these people?

Jjs: I thought it’s already been well established by now it’s those annoying leafer New Yorkers. Lois needs to get her short-term memory loss looked into.

Peter: Damn New Yorkers! They took all the good seats.

Jjs: Damn leafers, damn New Yorkers, damn New Jerseysians, damn Peter, damn you all.

Elderly Woman: Aren't you precious? [Screams]

OMJ: For the sake of context, this is what she was screaming at


Stewie: Some of my novelty items were provided by Jack's Joke Shop of South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, "If it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack."

Jjs: It’s too bad the later writers didn’t remember that motto, cause they could sure use it.

OMJ: Now it’d probably be provided by Al Harrington’s Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Emporium and Warehouse and Joke Shop located off of Route 2 in Weekapaug!

Priest: I'd like to welcome all our out-of-town parishioners. My cousin, Father Sapienza, is in from New York to see the leaves. And I'd like to invite him to do the opening prayer.

Father Sapienza: Yo! God is good, eh? And he expects us to be good. And if you're not, he's gonna come down and bust your freaking skull. Amen.

Jjs: The Bible sounds very different than I remembered.

OMJ: I can totally see God as a mob boss in his downtime.

Man: Who do you think you're talking to? Your God ain't tougher than me!

Man 2: You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone! I oughta come over there and break your freakin' arm!

Jjs: I’m glad they at least put their research into studying Italian slang words like “cafone.” 

Man: You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city!

Peter: Fellas, this is God's house, and the Patriots kick off in about 45 minutes. Can we move this along?

Jjs: Peter really wants to be anywhere else. I knew he never liked religion!

Man: Patriots suck!

Peter: Blasphemy! [throws "holy water" at the leafer]

Jjs: The power of Beter compels you!

Man: It burns!

[Cutaway to a lab. A scientist picks up a bottle]

Scientist: Holy water? Where's that acid I ordered?

Jjs: Part of me is curious as to how Peter stole this scientist’s acid, but another part of me feels that’s the charm in not knowing.

Stewie: Hey, Guido, watch this. 

Jjs: Stewie confirmed Italianphobe. As an Italian myself, I demand his cancellation immediately. Looks like this episode isn't getting my Italian seal of approval, ay. 😔 

I've got to lay off the coffee! Ha-cha-cha! That's Jack's, Exit 14 off 295.

OMJ: Use code “WHATTHEDEUCE” to get 10% off your first purchase!

Trainer: Tae-jitsu is about power for your body and your mind. Don't be afraid to free the beast inside you. Left kick, right kick, punch combo, stomp! Beautiful. Again. Left kick. You're doing great for your first lesson.

Jjs: I really appreciate this episode walking us through the tae-jitsu steps for anyone interested in learning. I’m not, but maybe someone out there is.

Lois: I'm really cutting loose. Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts.

[Cutaway to Mary Poppins. Focus on Jane and Michael Banks]

Boy: Oh, Mary. You'll never leave us, will you? [Mary unbuttons her top, exposing her chest] Yes, those are lovely. But it doesn't quite answer our question.

Jjs: Make your question less vague next time, dumbass.

OMJ: Where was this version all my life?

[Crowd cheering on TV]

Man: Jets rule!

Jjs: Somewhere from beyond, G4ry is pleased.

Peter: Hey, watch where you're going, will you? Hey, Horace, put the Pats game on the TV, and get me a few beers, huh?

Horace: Sorry, Peter. Someone stole the remotes...and the kegs. And I'm not sure, but I think I've been shot. [looks at bullet wound in his stomach] Yep.

Jjs: Yep. *sips beer*

OMJ: Don’t worry. He doesn’t die for like another 12 years.

Man: Hey, pal, watch my seat. I gotta bleed the lizard.

Cleveland: Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protesters burned our Porta-Potties. Then I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.

Jjs: That’s naaasssty.

Quagmire: I don't know, fellas, I think there's potential in this crowd. Hey, honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East Side?

Transvestite: [deep voice] Sure.

Quagmire: Whoa, transvestite! Back off! Wait a second. Pre-op or post-op?

Transvestite: Pre-op.

Quagmire: Whoa, transvestite! Back off! 

Jjs: Here’s one joke of many that definitely did not age well. I get this was a different time so I’m not going to press hard over this, but still kinda awkward to look back on. Honestly though, anything related to Quagmire’s whole character has aged badly if we wanna go there, but that’s a topic for another episode.

OMJ: Boy, is Quagmire gonna be in for a big surprise in about 9 years.

You're right. This place blows. We gotta send these straphangers back where they came from.

Peter: Don't worry. I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

Jjs: Look at this foreshadowing!


Peter: [Angry growl] I am a man-eating tree. Go back to New York, or I will eat you! Just like I ate insane New York anchorman Dan Rather. 

Jjs: Given he’s still kicking today, he evidently made it out of Peter’s digestive track, so no need to worry here folks. 

And look who I had for dessert. Asexual former mayor Ed Koch. 

Jjs: Now he on the other hand, did not. RIP.

Leave my land, or I will smite you with my powerful limb.

Jjs: I personally interpret this as a subtle callback to Petoria. It definitely wasn’t intended as one, but I like to headcanon it is. Family Guy lore is such a rich tapestry you can do whatever you want with it, really.

Man: What are you, nuts? Gimme that branch. Get off of me!

Peter: Why you…

[Man and Peter get into a fight]

Lois: Oh, my God! Stop fighting! [punches man in face, sending him to the ground]

Jjs: Lois for Smash when?

Peter: Holy crap!

OMJ: …Lois!

Lois: Oh, my God!

Chris: Mom, you could be a world champion, and no one could hit you below the belt because girls don't have anything down there. Can you teach me to kick ass?


OMJ: Funnily enough, that also happens in about 9 years.

Lois: Oh, no. I do not condone violence. And I am not gonna be responsible for bringing fist fighting into our schools.

Jjs: Lois confirmed to only support peaceful protests.

Brian: Gee, Lois. Can you hear me all the way back there in the '50s?

OMJ: Brian, your progressivism is starting to show.

Stewie: Well, that was lame.

Lois: Poor Peter. I emasculated him in front of all those people. I think he's really upset.

Jjs: I think so too, Lois. Please point out more of the obvious for us.

Peter: Gather around, everybody. $10 is all it takes! Step right up and fight my wife! Come one, come all. She floats like a butterfly and stings like when I pee.

Jjs: Ah, ah, I see what they did there!

OMJ: He should probably get that checked.

Lois: Peter, I am not a sideshow attraction, at least not anymore.

[Dwarf Lois in cage at carnival, bouncing on trampoline]

Lois: Me likey bouncy. Me likey bouncy.

Jjs: I’m quite frankly pretty disappointed this piece of lore was never followed up again, to my knowledge. I really would like to learn more about young Lois’s carnival days.

OMJ: I would also like to know what miraculous, revolutionary procedure turned a dwarf into a fully grown woman.

Lois: I want you to get rid of all this right now because I am never fighting again. Ever!

Jjs: Press X to doubt.

Peter: Come on, Chris. We'll have to go to Plan B.

Jjs: B for Beter.

Chris: [growling] Oh, no! Ah! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Help me! Help me, for God's sake! He's gonna kill me! Help!

Peter: Don't worry. It's a trained bear. He's in no real danger.

Jjs: I trust Beter's judgment. Chris needs to suck it up.

OMJ: It’s still real to me, dammit!

Lois: He's teaching a class. I can't bother him now.

Peter: Sure you can. Hey! Hey, Ralph Macchio! My wife here needs to talk to you. There you go, honey.

OMJ: I think maybe John Kreese or Johnny Lawrence would’ve been more apropos.

Trainer: What is it, Lois?

Lois: I-I don't think I should do tae-jitsu anymore. I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt someone.

Jjs: Tell that to the random guy you knocked out earlier. But he was a New Yorker, so he deserved it.

Trainer: But, Lois, you're my star pupil. I want you in my advanced class.

Lois: Advanced class? No, no, no, no. I'm trying to quit.

Trainer: Fine, quit. But get used to people walking all over you.

Jjs: -4pg0DDfT-y9wK7lMcEnfy1RH9c_dJTT3wqckHL0

Peter: Wait, hold on there. Nobody walks all over my wife, because I won't let them.

Lois: Peter…

Peter: Quiet, Lois. Men are talking. She learns things eventually, it just takes her longer. Come on, honey, we're outta here. If you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on.

Lois: I'll do it.


[Inspiring instrumental music]

Lucy: [Sobbing]

Jjs: I’d sob too at that inspiring instrumental music.

Lois: Stewie, you want to swing?

Stewie: Yes. Why not? I'll have a go at it. Perhaps a quick stretch first. [hurts] Damn! Must've pulled something playing hoops last week.

[Cutaway to Stewie playing basketball]

Stewie: I know you're not putting that rock up from here. You ain't got no J.

Player: Yo, man! That's trippin'!

Stewie: Brother, please! You're the one who's trippin'! Go on, cry home to your mama! She waitin' for ya.

Player: Now don't make me put my size 13s up your narrow ass!

Stewie: I don't sweat you! You bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act? Bring that trash in here! This is my house!

Jjs: Book of Boba Fett’s got nothing on in-depth, meaty flashbacks like this. I learned quite a lot about Stewie’s characterization here.

[Another woman’s child takes swing]

Lois: Excuse me. We were about to use that.

Woman: You snooze, you lose, lady.

Lois: You have two choices. Either my baby swings from this jungle gym, or you do.

Jjs: Despite Lois wishing to suppress her inner violent side, an evil Karen will force her to unleash it. I really like these nuanced character arcs.


Stewie: Whoo, Lois! Someone's wearing their ovaries on the outside!

OMJ: That sounds painful.

Lois: She saw me walking to the swing!

Stewie: Yes, she saw you. Easy now.

Lois: Nobody walks all over me! Those days are over! Lois demands respect!

Jjs: Lois has now fully shifted her stance on peaceful protests, feeling violence is justified. This character development is truly astounding. It's no wonder people are so disappointed with her character in later seasons when they just couldn't recapture the tight characterization of episodes like this.

OMJ: And nowadays, this is pretty much what her character has been reduced to.

[Stewie goes flying off the swing, screams and lands in another baby's stroller]

Stewie: I smell a messy diaper. God! Why does that turn me on?

Jjs: Well, who are we to fetish shame?

[Chris and Meg are trying to rake leaves]

Chris: Hold it, Meg. Those two are mine.

Meg: What?

Chris: That's Randy and that's Fred. Randy is the messy one. Fred's very neat. When you get them together, hoo-hoo, hold onto your sides.

Jjs: I smell a spin-off! They had a lot of potential with Randy & Fred here over Cleveland.

Meg: Nice to meet you both.

Chris: Murderer!

Jjs: Wow, look at this foreshadowing 8 years in advance, Bravo Seth!!!


Lois: Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! 

Jjs: Once again, hold off on that thought for another decade, you guys ain’t that edgy yet!

Now stay that way.

Chris: It's gonna be weird to potty.

OMJ: Aah you two will be doing stuff weirder in due time.

Peter: Sheesh, Lois, look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, 

Jjs: The show was really ahead of its time with this shot here.

New York Magazine, the New York Mets.

Lois: Peter, I'm sick and tired of hearing you whine about the leafers! 

OMJ: Facts.


Jjs: In his defense, I'd be pretty annoyed too if New York Post got dumped on my lawn.

Take some action! Free the beast!

Jjs: A strangely good metaphor for modern day political discourse. This episode has more subtle layers than we think.

[Quagmire is looking out the window naked at Lois beating up New Yorkers]

Quagmire: That was strangely arousing.

Jjs: Well, who are we to fetish shame? Volume 2


[the window slams shut on his penis] OW! [tries to get unstuck, then picks up his phone] Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah. It's in a window this time.

Jjs: Next week on The Quagmire Show, it’ll get stuck in a door.


[New Yorkers run away, scared of Lois]

Brian: Wow, look at them run.

Peter: Wait a second, Brian. That gives me an idea.

OMJ: Wednesday, August 22nd; Peter had an idea.

[Cut to Drunken Clam]

Lois: The Drunken Clam? Why couldn't we go someplace fancy like The Olive Garden? Oh, the breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks! Me likey- [to self] You're a big girl now. Stop it!

Jjs: Olive Garden is a fitting restaurant to name drop for this episode. Rumors say the Family Guy writing team even got invited there for dinner after making this episode as a thanks for the ad, on the house!

Peter: Hold on, Lois. Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night.

Jjs: How will he ever recover from that?

Lois: Peter, are you crazy?

New Yorker: What did you say?

Jjs: Punk?

Peter: About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife?

Lois: [Lois hits him] What the hell are you doing?

Jjs: Calm down, he’s just trying to adapt to the New Yorker culture.

Peter: Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually.

OMJ: Don’t even go there, Peter ddBPf3Vdg8A0gMCjPtIIC_Jp_tKxxaQKOPHlejVM

New Yorker: What?

Jjs: Idk about y’all, but this evil New Yorker is responding pretty chill to a guy saying he plowed his mother and accusing him of being gay. I can’t hate him, and we’re supposed to be rooting for Peter here!

Lois: You wanna dance?

[Peter goads various people to fight Lois, including Superman characters]

Jjs: Lois vs Lois Lane, the ultimate crossover we didn't know we needed.

Peter: Jets suck! 

Jjs: Somewhere from beyond, G4ry is not pleased.

Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Krypton sucks! That's right. Go back where you came from, you bastards.

Jjs: I do sort of hope Quahog cooled down on their xenophobia of New Yorkers over the past 20 years. But then again, fuck em.

[At martial arts class]

Trainer: We'll conclude today's graduation ceremony with a demonstration by the black belts. Okay, people, let's show them what we've learned. Kathy, get in there with Lois.

Kathy: I can't. I have cramps.

Jjs: One-Time Family Guy Characters: Where Are They Now?

Lois: Why are you putting me up against the scrubs, Jared? Why don't you be a man and fight me yourself?

Jjs: Lois looking for a greater challenge is a fitting symbolic parallel in how we chose a tougher episode to riff to start.

Trainer: Lois, the sensei is a sacred position. I could never violate the spiritual bond of the student-master relationship.

Lois: Oh. Then allow me. [slaps across face]

Lois: Keep that spiritual bond nonsense out of your GODDAMN MOUTH!

Trainer: The bond is broken!


Lois: Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man!

Jjs: I headcanon that this sensei's name is really Raggedy Man.

OMJ: I am a sucker for Beyond Thunderdome references.

Stewie: Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! Women! Yakety, yak, yak, yak. You know. Enjoy the fight.

Jjs: Here tonight, on Family Guy Deathmatch!

OMJ: I’m sure the fight will be good, but will it be a good night tho?

[Martial arts fight music]

Jjs: Should've been Eye of The Tiger. (yes, I know they eventually used it a decade later)

Lois: [Cry of victory]


Peter: Lois, that was amazing! Congratul-

Lois: [grabs his crotch] This is mine! This is where my babies come from!

Jjs: I’m glad Lois is giving us both jitsu and sex ed lessons today.

OMJ: Shouldn’t she be grabbing his chin?


[In their bedroom, Peter is laying on the bed watching tv]

Announcer: And now back to the Movie of the Week: Speed 3 - Glacier of Doom.

OMJ: Now this is one for SBCinema.

Jjs: Duly noted.

Man: If this glacier goes slower than one mile a year, we're all dead!

Woman: Tell me something I don't know! Get out of the way!

[Lois turns tv off]

Jjs: Note to self: Never show Lois Speed 3 - Glacier of Doom.

Peter: Lois, I was watching that. What you looking at?

Lois: The underpants, lose 'em!

Jjs: Jitsu can really make a mofo horny.

OMJ: There’s that good ol’ Family Man humor I know and love!

Peter: Actually, I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, maybe tomorrow, or…

Jjs: You could’ve tried a better alibi than that, like you can’t lose your underpants because you already lost them!

Lois: Take 'em off!

OMJ: oh geez

Peter: [scared] Yeah. Okay, honey.

Jjs: So yeah, this is a part of the episode that hasn’t aged well for people, to say the least. This specific part is exactly why this episode got recommended by several users as our classic era choice in the end, and I can see why. While the way this is portrayed makes it hard to take seriously and is ultimately a small part of the episode (although that itself is a problem), still, if the roles were reversed, this episode definitely wouldn't have been made at all. This feels like an early sneak peek into the edgy shock value scenarios we’ll eventually devolve into, showing it's always been in the show's DNA deep down.

OMJ: I get that it’s played for laughs and it’s kind of a way for Peter to get his comeuppance for manipulating Lois into fighting his battles for him, by getting taken advantage of by a monster of his own creation. But yeah, can totally see why this looks bad in hindsight.

[Next morning, Peter is at the kitchen table eating crackers]

Stewie: Whoa! What the hell are you doing? Those are my graham crackers!

Peter: Run along, Stewie. Daddy had a rough night.

Jjs: I hope you learned your lesson about watching Speed 3- Glacier of Doom.

Stewie: Why you tottering, femme-sucked dewberry. I'm going to go find something to strike you with. Excuse me.

Jjs: I really appreciated Stewie’s strong and varied vocabulary in the earlier seasons, especially for teaching me words like “deuce.”

Brian: Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened?

Peter: Last night, Lois was the man!

Brian: Good Lord!

Peter: I just want you to know, Brian-I didn't cry.

Jjs: Peter continuing to conform to gender stereotypes even after the trauma he induced. Poor guy.

Brian: It's okay.

Lois: Oh, no! Peter! Stewie, what did you do?

OMJ: Why didn’t he just put the graham crackers back in the box?!

Brian: Looks like he freed the beast all over the back of Peter's head.

Lois: Oh, my God. This is my fault. This is my fault. I brought violence into this house! I am the worst mother in the world!

Jjs: I wouldn’t go that far, jeez, the egotism in this show!

OMJ: I mean, just give it another two decades.

Stewie: Aha! I got it all on tape! Okay. This is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. What's new, Ed? [Imitating Ed Sullivan] "Well, Stewie, tonight we have a really big show." Okay. And now a word from our sponsors. "It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides! Butter fingers." I was making radio shows for fun. Everybody does it. Everybody I know...shut up!

Jjs: Ed Sullivan either rolled in his grave or was flattered by this imitation. Take your pick, viewers.

OMJ: I don’t think Jack’s Joke Shop will very much appreciate being replaced by Butter Fingers.

Psychologist: Now, Stewart, I want you to take this Mommy doll and this Daddy doll and show me how they act together.

Stewie: Yes. Very well. All right. "You see, Margaret, after 20-odd years of marriage, your curious indiscretions no longer phase me." "Really? And I suppose you think I enjoy hanging onto those hammocky deposits of gin sugars you call buttocks?" What was that? What did you just write there?

Psychologist: Give me that!

Stewie: "Insecurity? Gender confusion?" 

Jjs: What is this, Soviet Russia?

OMJ; Stewie getting a peek into his own future, I see.

I'll give you something to write about! Ooh, look at me! I'm insane! I'm Martin Lawrence on a bender!

Psychologist: Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, does Stewart have a history of aggression?

Lois: No, no. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.

Jjs: ...Who wants to tell her?

OMJ: I guess that cult leader’s body really wasn’t found after episode 2.

Stewie: Technically, the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I came out. Happy 50th birthday, Lois.

OMJ: Considering she lived long enough to appear in the future as depicted in Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story, I’m guessing it really will be a happy 50th birthday.

Psychologist: It's obvious that your son is learning this behavior from someone.

Peter: I know who's responsible for Stewie's behavior. But if I told you who it was, Lois would beat the crap out of me.

Jjs: The culprit is clearly this fellow:


Speaking of, our sponsors interrupt this episode to announce the Evil Monkey NFT! Coming hopefully never.

OMJ: It’s not like Peter’s ever gotten into a fight with a Giant Chicken over an expired coupon or somethin.

Lois: Now, just a minute! The whole reason I started fighting is because of you! I felt weak! You never listen to me! You undermine me in front of the kids! And besides, you're not exactly Father Of The Year yourself.

Psychologist: Well, there seems to be a lot of anger in your household. 

Jjs: Next this psychologist will go on to deduce that the dog can talk!

You owe it to your son to learn how to manage these feelings.

Stewie: Manage what?

Jjs: Your feelings, or is that word absent from your dictionary?

Lois: I know I went a little overboard with my tae-jitsu. But from now on, we're not gonna have any more anger in this house, okay?

Meg: Well, then tell Chris to quit drawing pictures of me with a pig's body.

Jjs: A subtle metaphor for how Chris himself is letting out his inner feelings of being a sexist pig. 

OMJ: Oh Meg, you’ll be put through much worse in due time.

Chris: Don't censor me!

Jjs: iHjjInwR97o0ZYA6hAfizgy0kLha6r78zxtYigtg

Lois: No more anger! Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal," where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. "Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's worthless and dumb, and ignore her, and only listen to me-Peter."

Jjs: Okay, me-Peter.

OMJ: Now THIS, on the hand, will age well.

Peter: "I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes. Like that Narragansett beer stein where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs." It was eight freakin' dollars, and we have a dozen places to put it!

Jjs: Let’s give a shoutout to Peter for being able to say Narragansett. Not quite as stupid as you think at this point in the show!

Stewie: Oh, oh, me next, me next! "I'm the dog. I'm well-read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door."

Jjs: I honestly don’t know who this one could be, I’m stumped.

OMJ: Ah, back when Brian was indeed well read and wasn’t just being a blowhard try-hard.

Brian: "I'm a pompous little anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim."

Jjs: We’re on Season 20 now and still no sign of this elusive Jim anywhere. 🙁

OMJ: Though Brian does hit the nail on the head with the writers having Stewie eventually give up his plans for world domination and have him embrace more of his gay side.

[Peter takes a juice box from the fridge, but can’t put straw into it, so he smashes it onto the table]

Jjs: This acts as subtle foreshadowing to the Season 7 episode "The Juice is Loose!" They really planned out more than we think, wow.

Brian: Whoa, whoa, Peter, calm down.

Peter: I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian. They're not working.

Brian: What about the writing-angry-letters-and-not-sending-them exercise?

Peter: Aw, jeez, I wasn't supposed to send those?


Meg: Look. I got a letter from Dad. "Dear Meg, for the first four years of your life, I thought you were a housecat." Dad!

Jjs: That could’ve been a lot worse given what they say about you in later years. So much ungratefulness and entitlement from Meg. Maybe she really does deserve her drags.

OMJ: Oh, so that explains her disembodied tail that they keep in a box in that one episode!

Stewie: "Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, that's nice.

Jjs: He bothered to put a “Dear” which I have to agree is pretty nice. It’s better than “to whom it may concern.”

OMJ: I’m sure Peter was just trying to recommend his favorite Jordan Peele film to him.

Lois: Mine just says, "Dear Lois." And after that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper! You got something to say to me?

Jjs: Clearly a metaphor for how you spat on their marriage with how you treated him last night.

Peter: Yeah. PS... [Deep snort] 

Jjs: Pass me some of that buddy. 😉

Hold on a second.

Brian: Hold on, hold on. Relax. Everybody, relax. 

Jjs: pHcp8L_GKkHlsNoQYtVSNzkxx-hpNNaZFJJc5cuG

All right, look, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but we need to get our anger under control before we kill each other. No, my psychiatrist gave me these pills. They're mood elevators. I think they could help...even us out.

Lois: We're not taking pills. It's not natural.

Jjs: Yet coke wasn't off limits for you in the past.

Peter: Neither is bleaching the hair on your upper lip, Martin Mull!

Lois: Give us the pills!

OMJ: This reminds me of the time I was on gazebos.

[African tribal music]

Jjs: I really admire the music diversity.

ALL: Oom, bop bop.

Jjs: I want what they’re having.

Lois: That was fun. What country should we do next?

OMJ: What?! They didn’t get Stewie’s bitchin’ shekere solo!

Chris: Monaco! Oh, wait. That's a principality.

Jjs: Or is it the bagel?

OMJ: Why not Petoria?

Brian: You guys want to hear something really funny? Those pills I gave you were placebos. Sugar pills!

Jjs: That wasn't funny at all, douche.

Peter: Wait a minute. Are you telling me I sang Ladysmith Black Mambazo for nothing?

Jjs: It was cool tho

Lois: Did it kill you to be multi-cultural for a minute?

Peter: I died a little inside, yes. You happy now?

Jjs: The first of many cancellations to come for Peter.

Lois: Don't you use that tone of voice, you…

Jjs: Not nice person!

Peter: What were you going to say? "Fat ass"?

Chris: "Wide load"?

Meg: "Dough boy"?

Stewie: "Country virtuoso Roy Clark"?

Jjs: RIP

OMJ: Hey, it’s that line I said during that one other Riffing Theater episode!

Lois: How about "all of the above"?

Peter: How is this for a name? "Miss, Pony Express is in." "What do you got for me, Joe?" "Let me see here. It's here somewhere. Here we are. A big bag of liver spots for Lois!"

[Lois punches Peter]

Peter: You just hit me!

Lois: That's right! 

[Peter punches her back, knocking her onto the floor]

Jjs: Peter and Lois for Smash

Lois: You can't hit me! I'm a girl!

Jjs: This episode really gave a middle finger to political correctness.

Peter: Sometimes I wonder. 

OMJ: Pi_nn5yltiFYABX3t79JG1bvQRdeDnwIDZ9ntqjD

Kicking, Lois?

Lois: Hurts, doesn't it?

Peter: You tell me.

Chris: Go, Dad! Kick her ass!

OMJ: Little does Chris know just how intensely he’ll come to resent his father in future episodes.

Meg: Shut up! This is all Dad's fault!

Jjs: It’s *burp* Peter’s fault!

OMJ: And this is the moment Peter decided to forever treat Meg like shit.

Chris: I don't like to be touched!

OMJ: Personal space up in this place!

[The Griffins fight for a few minutes.]

Jjs: Just another Tuesday in the Griffin household.

OMJ: Ah, one of the big fights that inspired me to throw fight scenes into Skodwarde. Yes, my Survival of the Idiots owes a lot to both this and The Boondocks.

Brian: [laughs] Man, I'm glad we got that out of our systems.

Jjs: (laughs) Same Brian.

Meg: I wonder what came over us?

Jjs: The New Yorker infecting you all, the placebo, or an awkwardly written into a corner ending, your pick.

Peter: Heheheheheh. Came.

Chris: Maybe people are naturally violent.

Lois: I don't believe that. I think it's all the TV we watch. There's so much violence.

Jjs: and don’t forget that sex on TV too!

Peter: Yeah. TV is dangerous. Why doesn't the hell doesn't the government step in and tell us what we can and can't watch? 

Jjs: I don’t think that’s a good idea. Didn’t you read 1984 like everyone else claims to?

And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air!

OMJ: Ah, the beginning of all the juicy FOX shade. 

Lois: Peter? Peter, maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the network.

Jjs: Don’t worry, they're not letting you go anytime soon.

Peter: Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? I'm gonna go get a beer.

Jjs: This episode is a somewhat good indicator of the seeds being planted for problems people would have down the line, mostly in regards to the family fighting over dumb stuff. This wasn’t really terrible by any means, but it feels…awkward? The overall structure of this feels almost as disjointed as one you’d see in the modern era. We go from a bunch of jokes about annoying New Yorkers to Lois doing tae-jitsu to Peter getting assaulted by Lois to random, forced family feud. It feels like a game of mad libs and doesn’t connect naturally. Which I guess is a good representation for the show nowadays, so maybe this was a fitting first episode choice. I understand if people still find this a weird choice to start despite some of my criticisms above, but we weren’t really spoiled with options from this era and I wanted to give the classic era at least one piece of representation. Definitely a tougher riff to pull off, but I didn't mind starting off with something a lil challenging since the episodes from here mostly speak for themselves. Next time, we’ll jump to 2007 in the early revival era, a time where the show begins to spawn a lot of mixed reactions to say the least.

OMJ: I wouldn’t say this has exactly been one of my best riffing performances. Aside from the very uncomfortable in hindsight scene of Lois assaulting Peter and the distasteful Quagmire bar scene, this episode evidently is still worth most of its salt with me judging from my lack of good zingers and criticism throughout. Probably because it came at a time when I, myself, was taking self defense classes and I’m just a sucker for anything pertaining to martial arts in general. Jjs does bring up an excellent point about this episode laying the disjointed foundation for many more future ones to come like some sorta proto-modern day Family Guy. I never saw it in that light before and now I can’t quite unsee it. I'm gonna bow out and leave the remaining eps to everyone else, but it was fun getting in at least one riff for nostalgia.

Peter: He’s been watching a lot of Dr. Stone during his down time.



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Episode II: Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey


Faye: Greetings SBC gang! It’s finally back to riffing again and Family Guy is right up my alley. It was my first real adult tv show, even before South Park, although I haven’t truly kept up with the show in eons. That being said, I saw this episode roughly around the time it aired so I’m a bit more familiar with it. I didn’t like it then and I can’t imagine Bill Clinton jokes have aged particularly well, but it should be a fun ride all the same.

Slug: 2007 was an interesting time for the Clintons, there was no Obama to steal their thunder, Hillary still looked like the frontrunner for 2008, nobody knew who Epstein was, and there was no #metoo to make people reevaluate Bill Clinton’s character. Needless to say, things aren’t looking as good for the Clintons these days, and judging by the quality of this episode, perhaps Seth MacFarlane accidentally cursed them. If that was it, then I wouldn’t be complaining that much, but unfortunately, I had to watch it too.

[Theme song. Episode opens on Griffins walking through the Quahog Marine Center]

Lois: This was such a great idea for a weekend activity.

Peter: Well, I thought it'd be good to get out of the house.I don't like the kids being around that racist sunflower that's growing in our yard.

Racist Sunflower: [looking at Cleveland] Hey, boy, don't you come walking by this house.

Cleveland: You're ignorant.

Slug: I think by explaining why this joke is bad I’d be giving it too much credit. However, what I will say is that this joke exemplifies a wider problem with this episode. Family Guy sometimes operates on a quasi-shitpost kind of humor, which can be fine in certain doses. However, when all your jokes are low effort, it begins to feel less like a creative decision and more akin to pure laziness. That gets old after 20 minutes.

Herbert: Hey, Mr. Eel. You're slippery. Oops, got away. Mmm, left my hand smelling funny. Come here, Jesse. Smell my finger. [Jesse crawls over to sniff Herbert’s finger] Mmm, today was a good day.

Faye: I remember the period of Family Guy where every episode had a totally unnecessary Herbert gag. Because child predators are funny everyone!

Slug: Herbert has always been one of the weakest Family Guy characters for me, even back in the old seasons. Nobody in the series is really complex, but having a character whose sole purpose is pedophilia jokes is on another level. It also makes it so that any attempt to make him more “Complex” will not work as you can’t make a pedophile likable. I imagine other riffers will delve into that with German Guy.

Peter: Hey, look, kids, it's a recreation of the lost city of New Orleans.

Chris: Dad, was there ever a real city of New Orleans?

Peter: No one knows, Chris. No one knows.

Faye: A Katrina joke… Was this too soon? I mean it was only 2007 when this first came out, so maybe not? Regardless, it wasn’t really funny enough to be worth straddling the line on.

Slug: Hey look, it’s a recreation of a Family Guy episode that’s actually funny.

Everyone else: Was there ever a real episode of Family Guy that was funny?

Slug: No one knows, no one knows.

Stewie: [putting two starfish on his nipples] Hey, Brian, look, I'm a stripper. I'm working my way through college. I should be more reluctant to take my clothes off, but I'm not because my stepfather had boundary issues.

Faye: Maybe not the right context, but this was also the era where Stewie evolved from “funny talking genius baby” to “extremely muddled, potentially gay genius baby” and it was one of the points that made me uninterested in the show.

Peter: [looking at octopus] Hey, there, Mr. Octopus. I see you got two eyes but not much else. We can fix that. [taking out a marker and drawing on the tank] Let's give you a nice tweedlie little mustache here. And maybe a big ol' dumb guy smiley mouth. And a couple of eyebrows with one raised up like you're saying, "Say what?" [tapping the glass] Oh, look who's got pimples, and right before the big dance.

Slug: Hardly a problem exclusive to this episode, but this joke drags out longer than it should be. It was never funny to begin with, but the general comedic timing of a lot of the more lackadaisical Family Guy episodes have a tendency to do this a lot.

[tapping too hard, the glass breaks, and the octopus grabs him in its tentacles]

Peter: It's so sucky and squeezy!

Faye: There’s a cock joke in there somewhere, but I’m not the one to make it.

Slug: That’s what she said, and she’s going to say it way too much in this episode.

Captain Seamus: I'll handle this. I've tangled with the likes of these before. [he pulls the octopus off and throws it against the wall]

Chris: Wow, that was awesome, Mr. Seamus.

Captain Seamus: Ah, it was nothing. That's how I caught old Woody over there. [in another tank, an octopus swims around with eight peg legs in place of its tentacles]

Faye: And just like that, this very bizarre and completely nonsensical segment of the episode is over. I get they were trying to get Peter to the Gym which leads to meeting Bill Clinton, but it felt like a totally different episode that they just stuffed in here.

Slug: When I watch Family Guy I’m not exactly looking for nuanced story structure, but with that said, this episode is haphazard enough for it to become a genuine problem. We’re really just at the tip of the iceberg, but for now I’ll all say that this entire opening sequence was pointless. You really could’ve just started the episode afterwards, given Peter some contrived reason to go to the gym, and nobody would care. We don’t need this amount of runtime to explain why Peter has to go somewhere, just make him say that he has to go to the gym to avoid another “Aquarium incident” and make this a quick cutaway gag.

[At Griffin household, Brian is watching tv]

Tom Tucker: In other news, former president Bill Clinton was in town today to judge Quahog's annual Miss Cankle USA contest.

Bill Clinton: [cut to him sitting at a fashion show runway] Now that's a cankle. Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows? That's the fun!

Faye: It took us two and a half minutes to even mention Bill Clinton in any episode that name drops him. Not a huge sign of confidence I must say.

Slug: And it’s going to take even longer to get to the actual plot of the episode. This would be more defensible if the episode was actually funny, but we’re already on thin ice on that front.

Lois: Brian, what is this on my shoe?

Slug: A subtle and genius metaphor for the decline in quality of this show?

Brian: My poop.

Lois: [wiping it off with a tissue] That's right, and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom. It's time you learned to use the toilet like everyone else.

Faye: Ah yes, the wacky Brian gets potty trained subplot that I didn’t even remember happened. I’ll let my apathy speak for itself.

Slug: Spoiler alert, an episode that can’t commit to a main plot isn’t going to have an engaging subplot.

Stewie: [running in] I'm going to sneeze, I'm going to sneeze… [takes the tissue] Achoo! [realizes what’s on tissue] Aaaaaah!!!

Slug: I’ve been very negative so far, so I’ll give them some credit here, this would’ve been MUCH grosser if it was done in s12.

Peter: Bye, Lois. I'm going to the gym.

Lois: Okay, see ya la... Wait, what? Since when do you go to the gym?

Slug: Since season 2. laSeD3A0WogWYYUQa24A_P6WBdVfPKidLpgVYosx

Peter: Well, it's just that whole thing at the aquarium made me realize I'm completely out of shape. I mean, what if I run into that octopus again?

Lois: Peter, that's ridiculous.

Lois: You’re reading the script out of order, Bill Clinton should already be here by now!

Octopus: [waiting for him outside] Ready for round two, man? I got all day. Hey, is that your wife? [Peter nervously closes blinds]

Faye: All seriousness, the series of events that it takes to lead us to the main plot is just so unreasonably convoluted even for an animated show like Family Guy. *eyes spinning*

Slug: I already criticized the aquarium section for being unnecessary, but honestly, even this gym section feels unneeded. All this sets up is Peter going to the hospital after trying to lift Clinton’s limo, which could’ve just been explained by Peter overestimating his fitness without any of this set-up. I may be getting a bit ahead of myself, but this episode’s structure really is awful, even the worst Mike Scully-era Simpsons episodes were more coherent than this.

[Peter runs into Quagmire and Cleveland at the gym]

Peter: Hey, I didn't know you guys work out here?

Quagmire: [spotting Cleveland's bench press] Yeah, it's a weekly regiment. Come on, come on, Cleveland, push it. Come on, come on, push it, push it. Come on, it's all you, it's all you, it's all… [an attractive woman walks by] Hey. [he lets go to follow her]

Faye: I don’t know if sexual deviant Quagmire is still funny or not, but I prefer him to what comes later in the series.

Slug: Maybe the sexual jokes with Quagmire are a bit overdone, but I can’t say I blame him for not wanting to stay in this episode for very long.

Cleveland: [unable to hold the weight up] Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!!

Joe: Will you guys quiet down? I'm trying to concentrate on my cardio.

Slug: Tell the writers to concentrate on the plot next.

Peter: Hey, you guys the trainers here?

Phineas: Why, look, Barnaby, a new recreation enthusiast.

Barnaby: We'll start off your workout with vigorous calisthenics executed in rhythmic time with acetate pressings of the new musical craze called jazz.

Phineas & Barnaby: Steak and eggs and eggs and steak

That's what you should have for breakfast


Steak and eggs and eggs and steak

Just making sure you heard

I got it.

Faye: I guess the joke has to do with old timey jazz? I dunno to be fully honest.


[Brian and Stewie are looking at the toilet cautiously]

Slug: This subplot, just like a lot of this episode, feels like it was tacked on to the script not because it was funny, but because it was around 14 minutes long and they realized they needed 8 more minutes of content. Needless to say, this goes nowhere.

Brian: How do you think it works?

Stewie: I have no idea.

Slug: I have an idea, if you want to watch a sitcom with Bill Clinton in it, watch the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror segment “Citizen Kang”. You’ll thank me later.

Brian: Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.

Stewie: All right. We're two intelligent guys, we can figure this out.

Slug: kac2Giaqa9PH9BRQBm6dL9jvLsawvAlERUCGuy8M

Brian: What's that big back part?

Stewie: Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.

Brian: I wonder what this thing is for.

Stewie: Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.

Brian: [sighs] All right, here goes.

Stewie: Oh, God, oh, God, careful, careful. Careful. Careful.

[the toilet flushes. Terrified, Stewie and Brian flee the room screaming]

Faye: I’m not gonna say much about these segments because honestly they’re not really worth saying much about to be perfectly honest. This substory exists to fill runtime and nothing more to me.

Slug: Need a plumber? I know a guy.


Meg: Don't mind me, you guys. I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend. "Dear, my boyfriend, Thank you for making out with me recently on purpose. That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me were really pretty, just like you said I am. Love, Meg."

Slug: Honestly, she could probably get some desperate person to be her boyfriend online. Quagmire has the internet after all, and he even has an episode where he gets into a relationship with Meg. Don’t remember that episode? Don’t blame you.

Chris: Meg, you are so full of crap. You're like those people who sit in Starbucks and publicly write on their laptops.

Seth: You damn millennials! Get off my WiFi!

[cut to a Starbucks]

Guy with Laptop #1: Hey, getting some writing done there, buddy?

Guy with Laptop #2: Yeah, setting up in public so everybody can watch me type my big screenplay.

Slug: It was for Morbius, so it will be the last screenplay he’ll ever write.

Guy with Laptop #1: Me, too. All real writers need to be seen writing, otherwise, what's the point, right?

Slug: Me before I publish my Shadow x Shrek fanfiction to the internet.

Guy with Laptop #2: You should totally write that down.

Guy with Laptop #1: Okay. Will you watch me?

Faye: They needed to make their point so badly, they made a whole cutaway about it after the joke. And then people wonder why Family guy went downhill? *shrug shoulders*

Slug: Is this some kind of Boomer thing I don’t get? How does one even get around to noticing this? Maybe I’m unusual but I don’t see people publicly typing screenplays everywhere, perhaps this is some Boomer “Technology bad” talking point and it’s just making fun of people using their laptops in public at all. I’m really analyzing this shit too much lmao, but yeah the joke sucks.

Peter: Hello, flabby, out-of-shape family. Check out my bulging rippliness.

Brian: Peter, you've been to the gym once...for 15 minutes.

Slug: Well, 15 minutes of this episode feels like 15 hours, so from that angle I’d say Peter did pretty well for himself.

Peter: And I'm 15 minutes stronger, Brian. I'd rip a phone book in half, but for the life of me, I don't know anyone who uses a phone book anymore. So I'll use Meg's laptop. [he struggles to tear it apart]

Meg: Dad! What the hell?!

Slug: Don’t overreact, this stuff’s mild compared to what comes later.

Stewie: Look at him in that tank top. He looks more pathetic than John Merrick when he went on Match.com.

[cut to him out on a date]

John Merrick: There's no way you're a size six.

Faye: I had to look up who this joke was referring to and no it did not make it funnier.

Peter: I haven't felt this good in years. I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger without the fruity accent and the Pirates of the Caribbean wife.

Agent: Excuse me, sir. Secret Service. I wonder if we might ask for your assistance.

Slug: “We saw you beat that Chicken, you mind doing that to guy named Epstein?”

Peter: Yeah, what's the problem?

Agent: We're with President Clinton's motorcade. It seems he blew a tire in front of your house.

Peter: Boy, that guy is really horny isn’t he?

Slug: I’ll admit I got a small chuckle out of this line.

Agent: Would you happen to have a jack we could borrow?

Peter: You don't need a jack. I am a jack. Come on, I'll lift that thing for you.

Bill Clinton: [after his motorcade blows a tire outside the Griffin house] Hey, I appreciate your help, man. We're a little overloaded 'cause I'm having a fat chick party back here. [the women with him inside giggle] All right, girls. I've turned off the AC. First one to have a bead of neck sweat reach their butt crack wins.

Faye: The first one of many sex jokes I assume. They’re only going to get faster and more unnecessary I bet.

Slug: This type of joke is going to take up a lot of the second half of this episode. If you aren’t laughing now, you still won’t be laughing at the end, but at least you’ll be bored as well.

Peter: [to Secret Service agents] All right, boys, now watch how this is done. The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. [trying to lift the car, a crack is heard, and he falls to the ground in pain]

Faye: In seven minutes, we have gone from a trip to the aquarium to getting fit at the gym to getting injured lifting Bill Clinton’s car… and one could argue that the main plot STILL hasn’t technically started. As I mentioned to jjs when I first watched this episode, it felt like we went from Point A to Point C and then finally to Point B just to set up the main plot. It feels so disjointed and convoluted of an episode and we still have two/thirds of it to go.

Slug: You really could’ve just started the episode here, nothing before this point was necessary to set up this plot. Maybe that would’ve been excusable if it was funny, but as we’ve seen so far, they haven’t exactly delivered on that front. It also creates this strange situation where the star of this episode, Bill Clinton, feels like a glorified sideshow as opposed to the main thrust of the plot.

Lois: Peter!

Brian: Oh, my God!

Slug: Brian just got banned from r/atheism.

Peter: Call an ambulance!

Bill Clinton: All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?

Faye: One more sex joke before the commercial break!

Slug: S12 foreshadowing, Seth is a genius for planning an arc for 7 seasons.

[At hospital]

Lois: How's the hernia, Peter?

Peter: You know what the worst part of it is, Lois? I thought I was just out of shape, but that ain't it at all. I got to face the fact that I'm just getting old.

Beter: I couldn’t lift an entire car after fifteen minutes at the gym… I guess I just don’t have it in me anymore. 758728435530334237.webp?size=240&quality

Slug: My man it’s only been 5 seasons, if you’re too old by this point then that’d explain the later seasons lethargic humor quite a bit.

Bill Clinton: [coming in] Knock, knock.

Brian: Mr. President, what are you doing here?

Slug: Because Peter has information that will lead to the arrest of Hillary Clinton.

Bill Clinton: Well, I felt so bad that Peter hurt himself fixing my car, I wanted to stop by and extend my good wishes.

Meg: Whoa! Bill Clinton! Hey, can I get a picture of you on my cell phone?

Bill Clinton: Sure. [lifting his shirt and sticking his tongue out as she takes it] You know where I got that nipple ring? Ol' Straddlin' Madeleine Albright gave it to me. Say, you look like you're pretty down, Peter.

Faye: The nicest a character has been to Meg in approximately three whole seasons.

Peter: It's just that I'm starting to realize I'm not as young as I used to be.

Bill Clinton: I hear you. After my bypass, I remember wondering if it was all downhill from there. But then I realized it doesn't have to be. You're only as young as you feel.

Slug: How young I feel when I watch this episode.


Peter: I don't know, Reagan, I wish I could believe that.

Faye: If I’m being perfectly honest, that got the smallest bit of a chuckle out of me. I only mention it, because I feel like that’s probably the closest I’m gonna get to laughing at this riff.

Bill Clinton: I'm going to make you believe it. When you get out of here, I'm going to take you out and show you the time of your life. And by the time we're done, I promise you're going to feel like a young man again.

Peter: Well, if you really think it'll help.

Bill Clinton: I sure do. Know what else will help? A little saxophone therapy. [with his Secret Service agents, they play the theme to "Night Court"]

Faye: Actually not too bad of a musical bit all things considered — It’s all probably downhill from here.

Slug: Bill Clinton needs to collab with Kanye ASAP.

Meg: [appearing in her underwear] You can have me.

Bill Clinton: [chuckling] E-E-E-Ew!

Faye: So much for someone being nice to Meg for once.

Slug: Wasn’t this dude having a fat chick party earlier?

[At Griffin house, Stewie puts tape into VCR]

Brian: What's that?

Slug: Hey, that’s my Foodfight DVD, give it back!

Stewie: Well since I couldn't help you learn to use the toilet, I found something that can. It's an instructional video on toilet training.

Roy Scheider: Hi, I'm Roy Scheider. And today we're going to learn to use the potty. Folks, say hi to my pal Hungry Hank. How's it going, Hank?

Hank: I'm hungry for your poo. Don't make me starve!

Faye: I feel like this is something that could’ve aired on Adult Swim later at night and been a hit, so gonna assume this was a marketing ploy that never caught on vs a time filling gag.

Slug: Hank makes no mention of propane? This is non-canon.

Roy Scheider: [with a hearty laugh, he undoes his pants and prepares to sit down] Remember, it's all about relaxing and letting your body do what it does naturally.

[Brian and Stewie react horribly to the video, screaming “What the hell!?”]

Slug: I was gonna say I was expecting a stronger punchline, but knowing some of these later Family Guy episodes, the punchline probably would’ve been the episode showing Roy Scheider taking a shit, so from that perspective, I’m glad they didn’t try to have a stronger punchline.

Roy Scheider: Now, here's Susan St. James to powder my ass.

Bill Clinton: All right, Peter, we've got a big day ahead of us. I'm going to show you that age is just a state of mind. Come on, hop in my limo.

Peter: Wow, a limo! [getting in the front seat] Shotgun!

[cut to them playing Dance Dance Revolution at Chuck E. Cheese]

Faye: Hopefully old Chuck E. Cheese and not whatever this thing is:


Bill Clinton: Watch the screen, not your feet.

Peter: Bill, shut up, I got it.

Announcer: Number 32.

Peter: Oh, no, our pizza's ready!

Alex Jones: Seth McFarlane EXPOSED to be part of the SATANIC CLINTON PEDOPHILE RING at Comet Ping Pong Pizzeria with UNVEILED HIDDEN NEW WORLD ORDER PROPAGANDA in Family Guy.

Bill Clinton: Tag out, man, tag out! [switching places, he sings as he dances] I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic! Come on, Barbie, let's go party…

Faye: J9lqjA9zuIET5MxJNyMuX2SVX3QhPkfiwFbVc7FQ

But yeah nothing like a one hit wonder no one remembers! Humor everybody!

Slug: I have a feeling this entire section was included just so they could get Bill Clinton to be on the record singing this. He ultimately turned down voicing this episode, I can’t imagine why.

Peter: Oh, boy, this is going to be fun. I haven't made a crank call in years.

Bill Clinton: Shh! Quiet, quiet. It's ringing.

Linda Tripp: Hello?

Slug: Hello, could I get a Hugh Jazz?

Bill Clinton: [on the phone] Hello, is this Linda Tripp?

Slug: No, it’s Patrick.

Linda Tripp: Yes.

Bill Clinton: You shouldn't have talked, you stupid bitch! I hope you die!

Slug: I had no idea Bill Clinton was a Mr. Enter fan.

[Bill slams the phone down. Peter is obviously uncomfortable]

Peter: Boy, that, uh...that wasn't really a crank call, that was...that was just unpleasant.

Faye: Yeah, unpleasant is a way to describe it alright, Peter. I mean honestly, for as unfunny as this episode was, I was more or less on autopilot until this point with it. Afterwards, I was checking every few minutes at the runtime. Very uncomfortable way to make a point.

Slug: If pleasant is what you seek, you’ve reached the wrong destination.

Bill Clinton: Sorry about that.

Peter: It's okay. You know what, Bill? You were right. Ever since you and I have been hanging out, I feel 20 years younger. You've completely changed my life.

Slug: Come on, Peter, you just fought off an octopus in just this episode, that alone is wackier than anything you’ve done with Clinton. Oh yeah, remember when he did that? I wouldn’t blame you didn’t, I’m pretty sure the writers forgot as well.

Bill Clinton: See, I told you, Peter, age is just a state of mind.

Peter: So what do you want to do next?

Bill Clinton: [taking out a joint] Go to Mars, dude.

[Peter and Bill are stoned off their asses]

Faye: Get the taquitos rolls boys!

Slug: I feel like this is how the Family Guy staff come up with their scripts ever since this season.

Peter: Boy, I'm getting kind of hungry.

Slug: I’m so hungry, I could eat an Octorok!

Bill Clinton: Me, too. Hey! Hey, pull over, man! Pull over! Dude, check it out! There's a pig behind that fence.

Peter: Oh, yeah, I see it!

Bill Clinton: Dude, we could eat that pig!

Alex Jones: PROOF that the CLINTON CRIME FAMILY HATE our boys in blue!

Peter: What?

Bill Clinton: Dude, come on! We could totally eat that pig. We could... we could do it, man! We could! It would be so easy, man! It would take, like a minute.

Faye: Dude, we could like totally eat in the pizza in the same amount of time!

Peter: Could it really be that fast?

Bill Clinton: Peter, that pig... could be in our stomachs in, like one minute, and then we could...and then... and then we could do other stuff.

Slug: Is that how the writers pitched this episode’s plot too?

Peter: All right. I'm starved. Let's do it.

Farmer: Who's there?!

Bill Clinton: Aw, crap! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Slug: nE7vnY93vS2gAq5-_DlgSS4m1rGAVLUPEA1XaHbB

Farmer: Dog gone it! If he wanted a pig, why didn't he just take my wife? And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

Mr. Conway Twitty: There's no needin going over

All the things that took me under…

Faye: Ah yes, Mr. Conway Twitty, one of the first moments in Family Guy that told me that they’re really running out of ideas. They literally just play a random clip of Conway Twitty singing a song. No joke or pun, just Conway Twitty singing.

And the sad thing is, this isn’t the only time they do it IN THIS EPISODE!

Slug: This, for some godforsaken reason, managed to become a recurring running “Joke” for the series. It started here, but did not end here. I'm pretty sure the episode “The Juice is Loose” managed to have 3 entire minutes dedicated to a Conway Twitty song. That episode will not be covered, which tells you the amount of material Family Guy had for riffs. This really does represent the absolute bottom of the barrel in terms of Family Guy’s comedic potential, no joke, not even any animation required, just take footage from somewhere else and slap it in to fill the runtime. Family Guy’s animation isn’t exactly avant garde, but filler like this doesn’t even require that much effort.

Brian: [doing his business in the yard] Hello, old friend. [gets sprayed by hose] What the hell?!

Lois: No! No! You do not go on this lawn! Brian, I've had enough of this. It's more disgusting than when you gave me that Christmas gift.

Faye: How dare the dog do his business ON THE LAWN! I haven’t had much to say about this storyline, but talk about grasping for straws.

Slug: Lois, Brian simply understands industrial society and its consequences.

[cut to the family on Christmas Day]

Lois: [opening a gift] Oh, what is it? A little birdie? Oh, my God! It's dead! Brian! [gagging] Oh, Brian, this is disgusting! Oh, my God! Get it out of here!

Slug: In the spirit of Christmas, the bird died for your sins.

Brian: I'm... I'm sorry. I thought... I thought you'd like it.

Chris: [opening his gift] Brian, I love it! [taking out a dead cat] I'm going to call you Stickyhead. [kissing and petting it] I love you, Stickyhead.

Stickyhead: K I L L M E

Slug: HC0Yxmd8xi6EIgBu0soWndrUaqZh1ANfvKgGsftT

Lois: Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet, there's only one solution.

Slug: The solution —> dble5dOGKBl3bRu7Szgg1AjqIi-xXGT5bXUEDQnN

Stewe: [cut to him in the living room] Hey Brian, did you know that Brad Pitt is John Lithgow's nephew?

Brian: He is?

Stewie: No. But doesn't that sound like something that could be true? My God! You're wearing a diaper! You look silly.

Slug: If I’m being truthful, I think I’d be less embarrassed being caught wearing a diaper in public than watching something like Turban Cowboy in public.

Brian: Why? You wear a diaper.

Stewie: Yes, but I'm a baby. People see my diaper, and they say: "Oh, how cute! I bet he smells like baby powder." They see your diaper and think : "Ew! That dog is sick. He must be dying. "I hope he doesn't leak on our carpet. Why don't they just put him to sleep?"

Brian: You know, at this point, I'd probably welcome that.

Faye: You gotta wait about 7 more seasons before they try that one on ya, Brian. Just hang on tight.

Slug: Why stop with Brian? Why not put the show out of its misery at this point?

Stewie: Oh, hey, come on, man. You just got to get used to it. Hey, have you gone yet? Have you popped your butt cherry?

Slug: He’s a dog, taking dumps publicly is in their nature. Save the shaming for Kaitlin Bennett.

Brian: You know, you should be more sensitive to my humiliation. Remember how bad you felt when you drew that picture for Peter and Lois?

Lois: [cut to them in the kitchen] Oh, Stewie, it's wonderful!

Peter: This is going right up on the fridge.

Stewie: Really?! The fridge?!

Lois: It's like we have a little Michelangelo in the house.

Slug: Every Family Guy animator is a Michelangelo in their own right.


Stewie: Okay! See you guys later.

[as he leaves, she and Peter start laughing]

Lois: I almost lost it when you said to put it on the fridge.

Peter: I know! What the hell is this supposed to be, a pelican or a school bus?

Alex Jones: In case the DEMON-RAT CONSPIRACY wasn’t widespread enough. Now our WHOLESOME animated content is promoting the idea that DRAWINGS can identify as whatever they want! When will this GLOBALIST INDOCTRINATION against RED-BLOODED AMERICAN PATRIOTS end?

Lois: Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this.

Peter: What a dumbass! Hey, let's spit on it. [Stewie is standing near the doorway overhearing this and begins crying]

Faye: If it means anything Stewie, I think you're a great artist.

[Peter is sleeping on the floor with junk food everywhere]

Lois: Peter!

Peter: Oh! Oh, Lois! Let me make you some coffee.

Slug: Coffee_Lover was not involved in the making of this episode.

[the pig Peter and Bill Clinton stole rampages through the house]

Faye: Family Guy in a nutshell is Peter waking up and a pig rampages through the house. You know, relatable family stuff.

Chris: Oh, boy, a pig! Can we keep it? Ow! It bit me!

Slug: You already have Peter.

Lois: What the hell did you and Bill do last night?!

Peter: We lived, Lois. We lived our lives.

Faye: Somebody put this on a motivational poster that goes up in corporate offices — no one will ever know.

Slug: This section took up like 5 minutes, if that was enough to change your life, then your life didn’t have that many problems to begin with.

Lois: Peter, that former President Clinton is nothing but a bad influence! I forbid you to hang out with him anymore.

Slug: What’s the worst that could happen, Peter gets involved with the Democrats? I’d honestly trust him more than Pelosi.

Peter: No way. Bill Clinton makes me feel young. Not like you, with your Judd Hirsch sweater and your bag of Werther's Originals.

Lois: If he won't listen, I'm just going to have to go talk to Bill Clinton myself.

Faye: The main female lead seeing sexual deviant former president Bill Clinton? I’m sure nothing bad will come out of this decision!

[cut to her knocking on his hotel room door]

Lois: Mr. President, I need to have a word with you!


[cut to them in bed together]

Faye: Oh no! Who could’ve seen this coming!? How will Peter and Lois’ marriage survive this roughly 69th infidelity?

Slug: Yep, that’s where this episode goes. After all the random threads we’ve gone through, where this episode ends up is becoming the most generic Al Jean-era Simpsons marriage crisis episode. By far the most criminal part about this episode is just how maddeningly uninteresting it is. It’s nominally about Bill Clinton, yet he could easily replace him with just about any other celebrity and the plot of this episode would more or less be the same.

Lois: Wow! You certainly are very persuasive.

Slug: That’s how you get a lot of votes. Unfortunately for this episode, I don’t think anyone will be voting for “Bill & Peter’s Bogus Journey” in the best Family Guy episode polls.

Bill Clinton: So I've been told. Hey, you up for a lil’ NAFTA?

Lois: What’s that?

Bill Clinton: ‘Nother Afternoon Fucking That Ass!

Slug: How many times have Peter and Lois cheated on each other at this point? Is this even enough for a fake ratings trap? Do people even care about the health of Peter and Lois’ marriage? At least with The Simpsons, there was a genuine emotional element to the show before the marriage crisis formula got beaten to death, repeating that formula makes even less sense here.

Lois: What the hell was I thinking? I-I don't know what came over me. Oh, God! What am I going to do?

Slug: Oh stop with the faux drama, there’s barely any time left and we all know this shit resets at the end of every episode. Is anybody actually fooled by this stuff? I’d rather have more racist sunflower cutaways than watch this show pretend it has stakes.

Peter: Hey, Bill, you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois's purse. I don't think she'll notice because…she's here humping you?!

Lois: Peter! Look, I know this looks bad, and I feel horrible, and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill except...I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in US history, and he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to its lowest level in 33 years.

Faye: Ah yes, gotta show our liberal lean by wiping it away with his accomplishments!

Slug: You can use the same arguments to defend Trump. I have a feeling that won’t be happening in “Trump Guy” though.

Bill Clinton: 35 years.

Lois: 35 years, Peter.

Peter: Well, well. I learned something today. Apparently, there's the side of Bill Clinton the world knows, and then there's the dark, sex-crazed side only I know.

Faye: Yes, because everyone already forgot about his impeachment for lying about having an affair with a woman, which was only 9 years ago at the time of this release. So brave are you Family Guy writers for bringing this to light in a humorous, insightful way!

Slug: I have a lot of problems with shows like South Park when they try to do enlightened centrist “Both sides bad” stuff because at the end of the day, the Republicans are indeed much worse than the Democrats. However, I’ll give South Park this, when they attack a politician or public figure, they at least commit to it. Manbearpig’s climate change denial might be dumb as fuck, but at least they committed enough to their satire to make a funny episode. You at least learned what Matt & Trey thought about Al Gore. This episode in comparison is just so meager in its satire. Yeah, Bill Clinton is a sex-crazed dude who was president during a good economy, I certainly needed Family Man to know this. I get Family Guy isn’t the place you go for nuanced politics, but they probably should’ve thought about that before inserting Bill Clinton into their Al Jean-era Simpsons script.

Lois: I'm so sorry, Peter.

Peter: Lois, I think maybe it's better if I stay at Quagmire's for a while.

Slug: Ah yes, the one man you can trust to deal with an infidelity problem: Quagmire.

Lois: I understand.

Bill Clinton: Hey, Lois, you up for a little exit polling?

Lois: Are you asking me what I think you’re asking me?

Bill Clinton: Well that depends on what your definition of the word “jizz” is.

Faye: gMcbwtoXC8Ri3oxzVR_jN3qO3QqQ1QagkxOjmoGR

Lois: Oh, God! I've been a worse wife than Lorena Bobbitt when she was married to The Thing.

[Cutaway to The Thing panicking]

The Thing: Oh, my God! Where is it?! Where did she throw it?! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Guy: [holding his penis] Is this what you're looking for?

Slug: This has been far from the worst cutaway gag of this episode. This isn’t an endorsement of this gag, just an indictment of the rest of this episode.

Peter: I can't believe Lois would cheat on me.

Faye: The first of like 69 or so more times she does it, Peter. 758728435530334237.webp?size=240&quality

Slug: Come on. Everyone knows these episodes reset to the status quo, being that it’s an episodic show. And even if that wasn’t the case, Family Guy isn’t exactly where you go for an emotional core, which is kinda necessary if you want this to be anything but an empty gesture at stakes.

Quagmire: Look, Peter, I know this is a very difficult time for you, but I want you to know I'm here for you if you need anything. You want me to drag your sack across your face?

Peter: What?

Quagmire: I’m s-sorry, when one of my lady friends is upset, that’s how I cheer…listen Peter, this is all I know, I’m not very good in these types of situations.

Slug: At least the writers haven’t made an episode about you being a pedophile yet. We’ll get there, though.

Peter: Quagmire, I know your heart's in the right place, but I need to sort this out for myself. I haven't misjudged someone this bad since my last physical.

[cut to him at the doctor's office]

Doctor: [appearing from behind him and removing a latex glove] All right. The doctor will be in in a few minutes.

Faye: I thought this was gonna turn into that episode where Peter gets the doctor fired for giving him a prostate exam, but that’s a completely different episode apparently. Still, can you blame me with how breakneck this episode’s pace has been?

Alex Jones: This is why we can’t trust medical experts. DR. FAUCI is trying to POISON us with his GLOBO HOMO VACCINE! Wake up sheeple!

[Lois knocks on Quagmire's door]

Lois: Peter? Peter, are you in there? It's me.

Peter: What do you want?

Slug: For this episode to be over, which will thankfully be soon.

Lois: Honey, I just feel awful about this whole situation.

Quagmire: Oh I’m sorry Lois. Want me to drag my sack across your face?

Peter: Not now Quagmire!

Slug: We’re still at season 5, it only gets worse from here, so honestly now is as good of a time as any.

Quagmire: Sorry sorry, I’ll go make us some coffee!

Lois: Peter, I think I've got a solution that will make things right for both of us.

Peter: I'm listening.

Lois: Well...the way I figure it, the only way to even things out between us is if you have sex with someone else, too.

Peter: You...want to get me laid?

Faye: Eye for an Eye? Fair enough I suppose.

Slug: I think Peter’s enough of a chad to get laid without any help, frankly.

Lois: Yes, Peter. Because I don't want to lose you.

Slug: You will NEVER guess how this ends.

Peter: Well, it would make us even. All right, Lois, if you really think it'll work. Trust me. It'll work better than the first telephone.

[Cutaway to Alexander Graham Bell and Watson]

Alexander Graham Bell: Well, we did it, Watson. What an afternoon. We've finally perfected the first telephone.

Watson: Yeah. Uh...Hey, listen, somebody called me today. Uh...Whoever it was said some very sexual things. Some very angry, sexual things.

Alexander Graham Bell: Oh, really? Probably just some teenagers somewhere. Damn them.

Watson: Well, that's the thing. I mean, there's only two phones in the...well, in the world, and one of them is in my office, and the other's in your office, and those two didn't even exist until about a few hours ago.

Faye: This gag was the longest 40 seconds of my life and I reacted to absolutely none of it.

Slug: Just showing this for a minute probably would’ve been a better use of screentime.


Alexander Graham Bell: Yikes! I could use a distraction right now. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

Writers: Shit, we need to fill some more runtime! CONWAY TWITTY TO SAVE THE DAY!

Slug: Why do I get the sense that the Family Guy writers were hoping this would catch on as a meme.

Mr. Conway Twitty: I can almost hear the stillness

As it yields to the sound of your heart beating

Faye: Real great use of time, guys. Not that I want this to go on any longer, but why even bother if he's not going to sing for long? Were they charged by each lyric?

Lois: All right, Peter, who's it going to be? Who do you want to sleep with?

Peter: Who we kidding, Lois? This is never going to work. Let's just forget the whole thing.

Slug: Oh don’t worry, nobody remembers this episode as is.

Lois: No, honey, it's got to work. Just pick somebody, and I'll make it happen. Deep down, in your heart of hearts, if it could be anyone in the world, who would it be? Halle Berry? Ann-Margret?

Peter: Anybody I want?

Lois: Anybody. Don't be afraid to tell me.

Slug: It’s time to be very afraid.

Peter: Babs.

Lois: …My mother?

Peter: Yeah.

Lois: Why?

Peter: It was my understanding that there would be no questions asked.

Lois: I'm just curious. It's a little weird.

Faye: Okay, what the fuck? Is this just some excuse to fit in Carter being an asshole to Peter on my Family Guy tropes bingo card or something? Why the fuck do we need to continue on with this bizarre, surreally written episode?

Slug: Could they have not managed to make Peter and Clinton trying to feel young again the main focus of the episode? That part wasn’t really good but it was the only part of the episode that’s actually relevant to the supposed hook of the episode.

Peter: Look, you know what? She's hot. Guilty, all right? I haven't been so struck by a woman's beauty since I was Uma Thurman's eye-wrangler on the set of Pulp Fiction.

Uma Therman: No. You can't promise something like that. I have no idea what you're going to say to me. So you can go ahead and say what you're going to say, and my natural response could be to get offended. Then, through no fault of my own, I wouldn't have kept my promise.

Peter: Hang on! [moves her eyebrow] Okay!

Slug: I don’t know what (If anything) this is referencing. Can’t say I laughed, but I’m thankful it’s not Conway Twitty again.

[Peter and Lois show up to the Pewterschmidt mansion]

Babs: Well, Lois, this is an unexpected surprise. You and Peter should drop by more often.

Lois: Well, we were in the neighborhood, and Peter said, "Let's stop in." Wasn't that thoughtful?

Carter: Will you people quiet down? I'm trying to watch Medium.

Faye: I’m with Carter here — You people shut up so I can watch something actually decent!

Slug: Whatever he’s watching probably has more comedic value at least.

Lois: You know what? Daddy's right. Let's go upstairs where we won't bother him.

Carter: Good. All right. Go, Medium! Wish I could talk to ghosts. That would be sweet!

Alex Jones: I HAVE talked to Vince Foster’s ghost. And he KNOWS that the CLINTONS ARE IN LEAGUE WITH SATAN!

Lois: Mom, could we sit down for a second? I have to ask you something.

Babs: What is it, Lois?

Lois: Well, Peter and I have hit a snag in our marriage. I won't go with the details. But it turns out that the only way to make things right seems to be...It... it's, uh... Oh, boy. What's the best way to say this? Um... Mom… [reluctantly] Would you have sex with Peter?

Babs: [definitively] Of course, dear.

Faye: That was a lot more enthusiastic than I expected but okay then…

Lois: Really?

Slug: Why not? Peter’s a Sigma Male at heart.

Babs: Carter's been most insufferable lately, and this would just stick in his craw.

Peter: I like your freaky spirit, but it's your craw I'm after.

Lois: I didn't think you'd be so receptive.

Babs: Are you kidding, Lois? I'm physically starved. Your father's utterly lost interest. He won't even look me in the back of the head anymore.

Faye: I’m pretty sure this is a future storyline, but I imagine they just rewatched this disaster and were like “ah what a nugget of genius.”

Slug: I’m just surprised Quagmire hasn’t figured this information out.

Lois: I see. Well, I guess we're good to go then. Peter, are you sure this is what you want?

Peter: [already naked] Yeah. I'll see you at home.

Faye: Weird turn of events, but hey I guess we’re going there now!

Slug: Note, Peter died on his way back home.

[Lois is about to leave, but Peter runs to her]

Peter: Lois, wait! I can't do it! I can't go through with it!

Faye: It’s been like 5 seconds Peter! Follow through!

Slug: Very funny knowing that he would be willing to marry his own son later on, although I will not complain if Fresh Heir isn’t recognized as canon.

Lois: You have to, Peter, for the sake of our marriage!

Peter: Screw our marriage! I love you!

Faye: Immortal words here.

Slug: Damn it, I got a slight chuckle out of that one, although it was somewhat dampened by how bored I was otherwise.

Lois: Really?

Peter: Absolutely. And I don't care that you slept with Clinton. We'll get past it somehow. All I know is, I don't want to do anything to hurt you.

Faye: I knew we were obviously gonna reset things, but my lord I’m getting a bad case of whiplash from how fast the plot kept turning on itself.

Slug: Look, I understand that a lot of the times when Family Guy did this it was to parody sitcom resolutions. But when you repeat storylines that are just as bland as any other marriage crisis plot in a sitcom, the line between parody and lazy rehash blurs to the point where I won’t give them much slack.

Lois: Oh, Peter!

Carter: Why are you naked in my house?

Peter: Uh...Why aren't you?

Slug: Carter’s going through his incel arc, give him time.

Carter: [pause] You're all right, Griffin.

Faye: Well he wasn’t a huge asshole to him for once. Trope averted? 😮 

Lois: Well, Peter, our marriage has suffered a serious trial, but I think we can get through it.

Faye: Only 68 more times to go!

Slug: I’ll genuinely be more interested when they don’t get through it.

Peter: Me, too, Lois. It's just going to take a little work. In the meantime, I guess I better clear the air with Clinton.

[Cut to Clinton's hotel room]

Peter: Hey, listen, Bill, uh... you and I need to have a talk. [cut to them in bed together] Boy, you are good. You are really good.

Faye: Because being a sexual deviant is ok when you’re a liberal!



[Cut to Brian using the toilet now]

Lois: Well, look at you, using the toilet. I am so proud of you.

Brian: Hey well, you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it.

Lois: Well, still, good for you.

Stewie: [coming in as she leaves] So where are you really doing your business?

Brian: Oh, I found a place.

Slug: And this subplot ends like it began… ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Adam West: [in his underwear, finds Brian's "leavings" in his yard] Well, I'll be damned. And they called me crazy. You can't plant sausage seeds, they said. Well, look at this!

Faye: A bizarre end to a pretty bizarre episode is rather fitting, even if it happened in the more tame storyline.

I think what surprised me most about this episode is how… shockingly little Bill Clinton is in this episode. Like they spent 8 minutes getting to him meeting Peter, about 5 minutes having fun and then having sex with Lois and then the ending gag. For being in the title, he’s really more of a supporting character vs a starring role. The jokes reflect the time period back when the Clintons were still the apple of liberals eyes, but that did not stop the jokes from aging poorly.

Otherwise, the biggest issue was how weirdly disjointed this episode felt. It felt like they mashed together cutting room floor segments from other episodes with no regard for how they fit and it shows. We go from the Aquarium to the Gym to Bill Clinton in 8 minutes and then from Bill Clinton to Conway Twitty and having sex with Lois’ Mom and yeah. It’s not as bad as we get in later seasons, but it screams of how bizarrely structured these episodes often are with little regard for how they appear to a viewer.

Also the jokes sucked. That one chuckle I got was my blip of joy in a dark tunnel of dated references, Conway Twitty filler and liberal ass kissing. Overall this episode was pretty much as bad as I remembered it being, which makes me terrified for what I may see later on. Until the next time, peace out!

Slug: This episode came out around the time Family Guy was definitely going downhill in quality, and this is one of the earliest episodes that I thought actually sucked quite a bit. The show still wasn’t nearly as bad as it could get later, there were still a number of good ones, but by this point the quality of episodes would only grow more inconsistent with time.

Is this one of the worst episodes of Family Guy? No. It’s a bad episode for sure, but more than anything this episode exemplifies your typical bad Family Guy episode. There aren’t really any exceptional problems like with some of the more notorious episodes that will be covered later. I think this episode more than anything exemplifies what your average Family Guy episode began to look like as the show progressed. You started to see a lot of episodes like this that were just kind of lazy and lackadaisical, more and more episodes where the shitposting felt less subversive and more like an excuse to waste time. This episode really is more like a compilation of 4 small episodes that were too weak to stand on their own, and stapling them together does nothing to make things more enjoyable.

Do I expect amazing storytelling from Family Guy? Not really, but I’d at least hope they’d take advantage of the premise they were given. Which brings us to Bill Clinton, who isn’t really that important. The way this episode tackles Clinton is really strange. Beyond his lack of screentime, it feels like the writers wanted to have both ways. They suck him off a bit (probably because they wanted to have him voice himself and were Liberal-sympathetic themselves), but they also don’t really do it in a way that sends any kind of message. It feels like they wanted to have an apolitical episode starring a politician, which is kind of a dumb premise on the face of it. In the end, Bill Clinton is just relegated to a plot device so we can re-litigate the most bog-standard tropes in history. Honestly, this episode probably would’ve been more entertaining if it was written by a right-winger, maybe then there would’ve been some passion behind it, for better or worse.

Not necessarily one of the worst episodes ever, but definitely one of the first bad episodes in general. Even if it isn’t quite Turban Cowboy bad, this dreadfully unfunny episode helps set up what some of the later and less remarkably bad episodes would look like, so in the end, covering this episode was still valuable.


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In retrospect, what probably would've made the episode "Bill And Peter's Bogus Journey" more relevant (and in some ways, more progressive in a roundabout way), is if they instead did the episode revolving around Charlie Sheen. Trust me, if I explain why, it would RUIN the joke! That's what Google is for! I wonder where and when we'll see "Seashell Seashore Party"? THAT will be a hard one to sit through! Enough said!

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Episode III: Not All Dogs Go to Heaven


Clappy: It seems today, all that you see...is us riffing easy targets…and sex on tv. But it’s easy to understand why we are picking on Family Guy. It’s one of Fox’s most successful shows and despite having more bad seasons than good, its good years were very memorable and cherished by its fans. Which a lot of us riffing this show were at one point or another fans. Hell, I loved peak Family Guy more than I ever did The Simpsons, unpopular opinion from me. But alas, I gladly will do this project to point out how Family Guy took a nosedive in such spectacular fashion. I’m sure this show will give us plenty bad moments to talk about. Let’s dive in!

Rusty: Ah the repressed memories. I can still remember pointing my camera to my old Tube TV to capture Family Guy moments when I was 12, and post them to Youtube. I was a complete idiot. Dunno if this is gonna bring back painful memories or not but we’ll see.

JCM: I've never watched a lot of Family Guy outside of long-forgotten nights falling asleep to Adult Swim reruns but I'm still here to provide my valuable (?) input (?).

[Theme plays. Episode opens at Star Trek Convention]

Brian: Ah, the Annual Quahog Star Trek Convention. Where once a year, sci-fi buffs take their lips off the barrel of a loaded gun and spend half a day adjusting their eyes to sunlight.

Clappy: Says the multi-episode suicidal family dog.

Rusty: William Shatner did that joke better on SNL in 1986. You fail at life.

JCM: I see we're starting off with the Big Bang Theory trademark of "Haha, aren't nerds so lame? Thank God we aren't one of them."

Meg: Oh, this sucks, mom. Why are we even here?

Clappy: Welcome to the riffing team Meg Griffin. Hopefully you won’t be replaced by Lacey Chabert.

Lois: Honey, your father's been waiting all year for this. Especially since he got kicked out of the last one.

Peter: [to William Shatner] Yes, uh, I have a question for Captain Kirk. Uh, in the episode where you drown your wife, why are you so fat?

Clappy: Which Family Guy episode are we riffing again? I’m pretty sure there has to be one out there where the fat man drowns his wife.

JCM: Probably multiple, considering how abusive Peter is.

Stewie: Brian, look. I've purchased authentic blueprints to build a Star Trek transporter.

Brian: Well that's great Stewie. You should get William Shatner to sign 'em for you.

Stewie: No way. I'm getting Patrick Stewart to sign it.

Clappy: Because William Shatner has a little more self-dignity than to constantly whore himself out to Seth MacFarlane shows like Patrick Stewart. Still love you Sir, but you’re allowed to say no every once in awhile.

Rusty: Remember, it’s always correct to call Patrick Stewart a whore.

Picard has it all over Kirk. He's poised and measured. And doesn't wear a cheap rug. Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says, "I am in command. You are safe with me. I will cradle you in my arms through any crisis in any galaxy."

JCM: Insert Picard facepalm meme here.

Brian: Are you queer?

Stewie: Probably.

Clappy: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Rusty: What’s the Joke?

Meg: Dad, this is stupid! I'm so bored!

JCM: last 15 years of family guy in a nutshell

Clappy: Meg. All you have to do is join SBC. Then you can pick this apart with us.

Peter: How can you be bored? This convention has everything! You can even try on LeVar Burton's visor.

[Peter picks up the visor and wears it. People in his vision suddenly appear to look like Ku Klux Klan members holding torches and a shotgun]

Clappy: Get it? Because he’s black? You know Seth, it’s okay to say no to constantly low hanging fruit….oh who am I kidding here? There’s probably like ten more instances in this episode alone.

JCM: How to know if it's okay to make a joke about lynchings:

It's never okay to make a joke about lynchings, you piece of garbage!

Peter: [screams, then removes the visor] Why would he wear these?!...Who would invent these for him?!

Rusty: Why would somebody write a shitty joke like that?

Patrick Stewart: And in conclusion, whether your dreams are earthbound or set in the stars…follow your heart. And... make it so. [applause]

Rusty: I’m trying, whore.

Stewie: Ooooh, oh boy, he said the thing he says on TV!

JCM: Can somebody say on TV "it's over" so I can go home?

Patrick Stewart: Now, the cast and I would be happy to answer a few questions.

Stewie: Oh, yes, so many questions. Me, me! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Stewart! Stewart! Stewart!

Clappy: Okay, going to use this small forgettable tidbit to point out one way Family Guy went south for me so fast. Reusing jokes. For those of you who don’t remember this gem, it was from the episode Stewie Loves Lois. Funny at first, but then got grating real fast with how reused its been.

JCM: I've never even seen Stewie Loves Lois and lost interest in that gag fast due to TBS commercials.

Patrick Stewart: [to nerd] Yes, you there.

Nerd: Yes, I have a question. Um, oftentimes my household's sponges accumulate an awful amount of buildup. What can I do to prevent this?

Rusty: That mean it’s a Scumbob episode and you immediately harass the writers on Twitter.

Patrick Stewart: That's an excellent question. It's very important to thoroughly wring out your sponges after every usage. This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria. A dry sponge is a happy sponge.

JCM: I have multiple episodes of SpongeBob where going dry almost kills him to disprove your theory, but go on.

Stewie: That's not a Star Trek question!

Clappy: Okay to be fair, this sequence of misguided questions is probably the best segment of the entire episode and still gets a laugh out of me.

Rusty: I like how they’re just happy to help out with everyday needs. I dunno why, I just find that to be kinda cool.

Nerd 2: I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg. And I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin?

Jonathan Frakes: Do you take hot showers?

Nerd 2: Yes.

Jonathan Frakes: Dry skin.

Nerd 2: Thanks.

Clappy: He’s more of a medical expert than Dr. Oz.

JCM: That's "my future senator Dr. Oz" to you! 😭

Stewie: These aren't Star Trek questions, what the hell!?

Nerd 3: I have a question for Gates McFadden. I've got an artesian well on my property and the water pressure is lousy. Any suggestions?

JCM: It's been ten years since I watched this episode and I still don't know what any of that means.

Rusty: Artesian Wells use air pressure to push up water. Basically like a water tower except way less impressive.

Gates McFadden: I would check the point first, before re-priming it. But remember that the summer months take a particular toll on any region's aquafer, depending on the local climate.

Stewie: This is horseshit!

Clappy: What are you talking about? These are the most laughs this episode will provide.  You haven’t seen true horseshit yet.

Patrick Stewart: And that's the last question. Thank you for coming. You've been wonderful. [applause]

JCM: boo

Stewie: You bastards. I'll get my question answered one way or another.

Clappy: And I took that threat, personally.

Rusty: And thus Stewie became the first baby to commit a mass shooting attempt. Luckily nobody was harmed because a baby can’t aim for shit.

[Peter, Lois and Meg see a fanboy who has the mumps]

Peter: Oh my God, what a great costume! Meg, Meg! Come take your picture with this space alien guy!

JCM: He has a name, you know! Oh, his name is "Space Alien Guy"? Never mind then.

Meg: No dad, I don't want to!

Peter: Come on, it'll be funny. [pushes her next to him and takes a photo] Ahaha, what a wonderful novelty photo this will make. Thank you so much buddy. Hey, how did you make that awesome mask?

Clappy: To prevent the spread of COPETE-19.

Buddy: It's not a mask, I have the mumps.

JCM: Wait, is his name Buddy or Space Alien Guy? Is he my guy, Buddy, or my buddy, Guy? I demand to have this question answered!

Lois: What? You came to a Star Trek convention with the mumps, you could be infecting people with a disease!

Clappy: Boy does this hit a mark in today’s hellish climate.

Rusty: Say what you will, but Family Guy was ahead of their time, I’m never going back to conventions again.

JCM: Yeah, but in 2009, going to large events sick was totally fine! I'm sure we're all excited to go back to that!

Peter: Yeah, like that old gipsy did to Britney Spears in that Stephen King book.

Old Gipsy: [touches Britney’s face] Thicker.

Clappy: [touches Family Guy’s comedy writers] Dumber.

JCM: They're clever enough to reference Thinner but not clever enough to do anything more with it than their usual fat shaming of celebrities?

Rusty: Family Guy is one big soup of wasted potential.

[At Griffin household, Dr. Hartman checks on Meg in her room, who is sick]

Dr. Hartman: Well, Meg has the mumps alright. How is it she was never immunized?

Peter: Well, it was 1992 and I couldn't be bothered with anything that didn't involve Dan Cortese. Besides, what's a big deal? I never got a mumps shot.

Clappy: Proudly anti-vaxxing back in 2009. Family Guy sure knows their target demographic on who still finds this funny in 2022.

Rusty: *patriotic choking noises*

Dr. Hartman: Really? Well, I caution you, that getting the mumps as an adult could result in serious complications. In some cases the symptoms could spread to the testicular glands.

Rusty: Oh this is exactly like COVID.

Peter: Big deal, so I wear socks.

Clappy: You can’t be this dumb.

JCM: Peter is as dumb as the script calls for, so usually barely functioning.

Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, your testicles are not on your feet.

Peter: Oh, where are they?

Clappy: You really can’t be this dumb.

Dr. Hartman: Under your penis.

Peter: Are you kidding? I always thought those were two little sandbags to keep floodwaters from floating into my bum.

Clappy: How are you this dumb?

[laughs] No, no. I'm just poking at your funny bone. I am quite alarmed.

Clappy: And I’m quite annoyed. You can only be so dumb.

Rusty: Acting like a dumbass - NO *circles around that*

JCM: I'm almost certain Peter had that expressionless face characters have 99% of the time in Seth MacFarlane cartoons while saying "I am quite alarmed" and it makes me quite glad I'm only reading this.

Dr. Hartman: I don't think you realize the danger. Like the people who think it's OK to bring shampoo on an airplane.

Pilot: [while co-pilot is rubbing shampoo on his head] So I told Brenda: I work hard, I like a clean house when I come home. And now I'm the bad guy.

Co-Pilot: Oh, I know exactly where you’re coming from…

Pilot: Ow, It's in my eyes!

[Plane crashes into a mountain and explodes]

Clappy: Tasteless even before the death of Kobe Bryant. Thanks.

Rusty: Oh, meaningless violence. It makes me laugh even though It really shouldn’t. Especially here considering the fact that NASCAR fans don’t like plane crash jokes due to the deaths of Alan Kulwicki in ‘93 and 6 Hendrick Motorsports members in ‘04.

Stewie: [opens door to Meg’s room] See, Chris, come here, come here, look. Check it out.

Chris: Holy crap, no way!

Stewie: I know, classic! [takes a picture with his phone] I gotta forward this to my bud.

Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes: [receives photo and laughs]

Clappy: Yes Calvin & Hobbes exists. The joke would be funny if Family Guy was just a figment of Calvin’s imagination like Hobbes is.

JCM: Calvin would need even more therapy than I'm sure he's now getting if that were the case.

Rusty: The laugh in the episode actually sounds like a dying kid. Not joking.

Lois: Meg, I know you hate having to be in bed all day, but your father's bringing in the old TV.

Peter: [wearing a diving suit] Hey Meg!

Rusty: Peter, you're married, your daughter is sick and I’m pretty sure you’re not my type. This is not the time to be kinky.

Lois: Peter, what the hell?

Clappy: The Family Guy Drinking Game. Take a shot every time Lois asks Peter “what the hell?" See how many episodes you would last before you can be declared legally dead.

JCM: I'm already dead inside, so let's do it!

Peter: I don't wanna catch the mumps, Lois. Here's your TV, Meg. It's a little old and there is no remote and it only gets one channel and it's not on that channel right now.

Clappy: Still better than watching this.

Rusty: Hey maybe I should wear a diving suit if I do go to a convention…actually that doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea…maybe later.

Stewie: Chris, check it out. Jackass number two. [farts in Peter’s breathing tube]

[Peter smells it and panics. He runs against wall and begins vomiting in his helmet multiple times, while Stewie and Chris laugh]

JCM: I am very, very glad that I am only reading this.

Chris: This whole day has been one big laugh riot.

Clappy: Glad someone thinks that. Because I sure don’t.

Rusty: Okay, confession time: that whole farting in the diving suit gag is the only time this episode made me laugh. I know it’s cheap gross-out humor that I usually abhor, and is something that Family Guy uses as a crutch and it’s very hard to justify, but I don’t know, it just works for me.

[Meg adjusts tv to get a signal]

Meg: Finally!

Announcer: Up next: Kirk Cameron.

Meg: Ooh.

Announcer: To talk about God.

Meg: Aww.

Clappy: Because religion is for morons. Thanks Seth for shoving that viewpoint down our throats once again.

JCM: To be fair, if you said "ooh" to Kirk Cameron in the first place, you had it coming.

Rusty: It was GOD! *Dies Irae (Requiem) Intensifies*

Kirk Cameron: Hi, welcome to the Religion channel’s number one show, "Kirk and the Lord”, just hanging. With me, Kirk Cameron. Today, I'm gonna tell you why God will always be there for you. Even in the worst of times.

Meg: No thanks.

Rusty: Watch out, Kirk Cameron’s gonna call you a hater on his blogspot dot com for not liking Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas.

Kirk Cameron: But first, are you lonely, unappreciated? Not totally happy with your physical appearance?

Rusty: Yeah, I asked god about that and he told me fuck off.

Clappy: Oddly specific. Even for creepy Kirk Cameron.

Meg: …Go on.

Kirk Cameron: Are you unloved? Do you feel like no one cares about you?

JCM: Since I've gotten this far into the episode and nobody's sent for help yet, I do feel that way.

Peter: Meg, your mother made soup for you. Here you go honey. [throws it in her face and walks out]

Clappy: Could be worse. He could have shoved her face into his ass and farted on it…oh wait that would violate the one fart joke per episode quota.

Rusty: you ever get the feeling that these writers don’t know how to write abusive parents without being…blatant.

Kirk Cameron: Well, you know who does love you? The Lord.

Peter: Here's your milk! [smashes against wall]

Clappy: Because throwing the glass at Meg would have been too much? Gasp, there are limitations on how low they’re willing to treat Meg like dogshit.

JCM: Of course they take issue with Meg getting milk thrown at her and not the Klan.

Stewie: [welding] Rupert, my transporter is complete. If my calculations are correct, the cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" will soon be here to answer all my questions!

Clappy: Bold assumption. What could possibly go wrong?

[tries turning on the transporter’s r, but sparks] Wait a minute, something's wrong.

Rusty: Rubert has to die.

[Quagmire and asian girls appear through transporter. Quagmire is blindfolded and tied to a chair]

JCM: Goodnight, everybody!

Quagmire: Alright, you girls ready? What's goin on? [girls point and laugh at Stewie] Don't you laugh at it! [Stewie teleports them away]

Clappy: There’s your mandatory Quagmire appearance quota for the episode. Hope you all enjoyed this absolutely unnecessary penis size joke. And people wonder why he didn’t get the spin-off.

JCM: B-b-but his name is Glenn Quagmire and he says "giggity."

Meg: Good morning mom and dad!

Lois: Wow, look who's finally out of her room after five days. So you feel better Meg? -

JCM: Can't feel much worse than me.

Meg: All better mom. I was made well by the hand of God. This is the day that the Lord hath made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Clappy: Wow. Five days of Kirk Cameron television brainwash can make you a born again Christian. Maybe he is the second coming of the Messiah all along. Does that mean Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas is the newest addition to the gospel? Family Guy is really making me think outside the box here.

Rusty: The Lord hath better make a better day cause it’s holding up the writing of this. Sorry, jjs.

Lois: Meg, what are you talking about?

Meg: I'm talking about God mom, I've been reborn.

Rusty: So you came out of God’s womb?

Peter: That's right folks, it's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one'd blame ya.

Clappy: Replace Meg with Brian and I agree with you.

Rusty: Meg is like Pakistan. Everybody hates them, then one day, something fucked up happens, all of a sudden…good friend of ours.

Lois: What do you mean you found the Lord?

JCM: Clearly she means the Lord was hiding in her closet and she found Him when she opened it.

Meg: I've been washed in the blood of the lamb. Kirk Cameron explained it all to me. The Lord is my saviour.

Rusty: If someone is washing you in lamb blood, then you better apologize to God for what you did to those poor lambs.

Brian: It's that damn religion channel. She was watching it all day while she was bedridden.

Clappy: Or maybe it was the concussion from the hot soup bowl? Don’t rule out that possibility.

Rusty: Ey, Post-Concussion Syndrome can fuck you up.

JCM: Nah! Peter abusing his children having more than a negligible impact on them? This show would never do it!

Meg: I want to share the word of God with everyone I know. Starting with my family. Now, everyone hold hands because we are gonna say grace before we eat. Dad, would you like to do the honors?

Rusty: Grace.

Peter: Are you kidding? I'd love a chance to shine. All right Peter, this is it. Dear Lod, please give me the cheat codes from "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out". I have been stuck on "Bold Ball" for four years. I tried Left-Left-Up-B-dodge-uppercut, but it still knocks me out. And you know, they say you’re supposed to go Right-B-Up-dodge-Left-uppercu...Listen to me, telling you how to play a game.

Clappy: It didn’t work. I still can’t beat Bald Bull. 🙁

Stewie: All right, let's try this again. [Stewie successfully transports the cast of “Star Trek: The Next Generation” into his room] It's them. I did it! The cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" is here to answer my questions!

JCM: No, you idiot! That's the cast of Degrassi: The Next Generation! Drake before his rap career is there, too!

Patrick Stewart: What the hell, where am I?

Rusty: The Seventh Step to the Emoji Movie.

Patrick Stewart: American Dad isn’t until 9:30.

LeVar Burton: What's goin on?

Clappy: I know. You should just be gifted the full time Jeopardy hosting gig at this rate.

Stewie: Greeting everyone, my name is Stewie Griffin. I've transported you all here against your will. I'm a huge fan. And you are going to answer all my questions.

Rusty: Basically like Misery, except without any redeeming qualities like the time Family Guy actually parodied Misery.

Denise Crosby: But, you’re a baby.

JCM: "Aren't you a little young to be kidnapping the cast of a beloved sci-fi serial?"

Stewie: Yes, that’s right, Denise Crosby. [shoots her with a Klingon phaser, killing her]

Clappy: I guess he wasn’t a fan of Denise Crosby.

That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you are spoken to. Now, question #1: what's it like on the set?

Rusty: This story just got a lot more interesting…except these writers don’t know how to take an exit if it was THE LITERAL END OF THE INTERSTATE.

Marina Sirtis: The show's been off the air for fifteen years.

Clappy: Ironic because Family Guy has, more often than not, been on autopilot for thirteen years.

Michael Dorn: Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun, you know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight.

Patrick Stewart: Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later, you've still got that attitude!

JCM: Patrick is…pretty much what I expected him to be.

Stewie: Oh, my God! I'm already having a fantastic time. Let's spend a day together!

Clappy: Rushed plot progression is rushed.

Wil Wheaton: Hey, that sounds like fun!

Patrick Stewart: [slaps Wil in the back of the head] Shut up, Wil!

Rusty: Do people still hate Wil Wheaton, I forget.

Wil Wheaton: Stop it, Patrick!

Patrick Star: Did somebody ask for me?

Stewie: You know, I think you should all be nicer to Hwil Hwheaton.

Clappy: Okay, I get that by this point, this is the fourth or fifth time Family Guy has beaten this dead horse of a joke into the ground, but at least make grammatical sense. Nobody…and I do mean nobody, pronounces Will Wheaton with a “h” sound in Will. I get that you love your troll humor Family Guy. That’s your brand along with bad taste. Your joke is already DOA to begin with, but it was just buried another ten feet under with this one simple grammar error.

Patrick Stewart: The way I treat my colleague... wait, what?

Stewie: I said, you ought to be nicer to Hwil Hwheaton.

Patrick Stewart: You mean WIl Wheaton.

JCM: Wil Wheaton…Walter White…holy crap! I need to tell Hank this!

Stewie: Yes, Hwil Hweaton.

Patrick Stewart: Why are you saying it like that?

Clappy: No Patrick. It’s too late for you to be the strawman.

Stewie: What? I’m just saying you should be nicer to Hwil Hweaton. Hwil Hweaton seems like a nice guy.

Patrick Stewart: Say "Wheat".

Stewie: Wheat.

Rusty: Tonight on Fox News.

Patrick Stewart: Now say "Wil Wheaton".

Stewie: Hwil Hwheaton.

Patrick Stewart: Wil Wheaton.

Stewie: Hwil Hwheaton.

Patrick Stewart: Wil Wheaton.

Stewie: Hwil Hwheaton.

Patrick Stewart: Wil Wheaton.


Stewie: Hey, did you hook up with Hwhoopi Goldberg on the show?

Patrick Stewart: All the time.

Clappy: *briefly chuckles*…okay that still gets me.

[Griffins are watching tv.

Clappy: It’s either that or hang out at The Clam.

Meg comes in and changes channel]

Peter: Meg, what the hell? I was watching that.

Meg: It's time for Kirk Cameron! And I think it's important for all of you to hear his inspiring message about the word of God.

Rusty: The Word of God is Fish. Yea, God’s gotten really lazy lately.

Lois: Oh, again Meg? You know I think it's wonderful you found something to have faith in but there is such a thing as moderation.

JCM: Obviously wanting to watch a new episode of a show is the same as binge drinking.

Meg: Mum, you sound like a non-believer.

Rusty: Oh, she’s joined the Patriot Church. Jolly.

Clappy: Ah yes, because there can’t be such a thing as being middle of the road on this show. You either have to one strong viewpoint or one strongly opposed one. Fuck off Seth.

Brian, you're thoughtful person. Are you willing to open yourself up to God's truth?

Brian: Oh, you're barking up the wrong tree, Meg, I'm an atheist. [family gasps]

Peter: What's that?

Clappy: You can’t be this du…nope. I’m not going to beat this dead horse of a joke into the ground. That’s what they want me to do.

JCM: Well, I haven't made the joke yet, so Mr. Griffin…can I call you Mr. Griffin? Thanks. You can't be this dumb.

Brian: I... don't believe in God.

Lois: What? Brian, how can you say that?

Rusty: In English.

Brian: Why? I just thought you knew. I mean, I never go to church. You know how I feel about that.

Rusty: There are a lot of religious people who don’t go to Church. I’m one of them.

JCM: Well, most people don't bring their dogs to church. The ones who do are baller, though.

Clappy: You’ve known this family for how long now? You’re expecting too much from them.

Lois: Brian, it's one thing to bash organized religion, but we believe in God in this house, I mean an atheist... that's just about the worst thing a person can be!

Rusty: Sounds like something Pat Robertson would say…hmm…Seth, do you have a secret crush on Pat Robertson?

Clappy: Once again, this show can’t be middle of the road on any sort of view points or issues. So what does Seth decide to do? You guessed it. Make the character with his stance “sympathetic” by having the opposition out to be super unlikeable. I repeat, not the most effective way to approach getting your message across. Let’s see if they improv-…oh we know how this goes.

Chris: You're not gonna get anything for Christmas, Brian!

Clappy: Thanks again for your insight Chris. Back to irrelevance you go for the rest of the episode.

Rusty: Chris, are you 16 or 6?

Brian: Guys, I'm just trying to say…

Peter: Shut up beast! I have dominion over you and I command you to believe in God!

Clappy: Like you know what “dominion” even stands for.

JCM: Mr. Griffin, you can't be this smart.

Brian: I'm sorry, I just don't see any evidence. I mean, look at the Hubble telescope. It's discovered untold wonders of a vast unexplored universe. But not one picture of a guy with a beard sitting around on a cloud.

Rusty: Oh hey, it’s something 7th grade me would say…I wish I could make my 7th grade self a separate person…so I could kill him and not kill myself. I took this episode as the basis of my beliefs back then and I regret every minute of them, once I learned that God doesn’t have to be a guy on a cloud. In many religions, God is more like a force, like the air. That kind of led me to being more of an Agnostic in recent years, and I’ll get more into my beliefs later.

I mean what's he doing up there?

[God is seen riding a rocket sled while “Flash” by Queen plays]

Clappy: God is a Queen fan. I don’t remember reading that in the New Testament.

JCM: I'm pretty sure it's in the Book of Mormon.

Peter: You know, you keep talking like that, God's gonna get you, Brian. He's gonna get you with the Kodak disc. Oh God's gonna get you with the Kodak disc! [takes photo] I'm sorry. What were we talking about?

Rusty: …what

Clappy: Actual insight on what life is like in the Family Guy writing room.

[Cleveland walks out of his house and sees his van is missing]

Cleveland: Hey, where the hell is my van!?

JCM: Did you look under your couch cushions?

Rusty: Poor Cleveland, his spinoff turned him into a buttmuncher.

[Stewie and the cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" stop at the McDonald's drive thru using Cleveland’s van]

Clappy: Arrest them all for carjacking. I don’t give a fuck.

Marina Sirtis: Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast food eater.

Stewie: Yeah, can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinking "shut up and get a salad."

Brent Spiner: I want some McNuggets!

Rusty: Brent says as he dies inside.

Stewie: We'll get to you, Brent.

Wil Wheaton: I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog, I want a milkshake… [Patrick Stewart punches Wil Wheaton in the back of the head]

JCM: At least a Wil is getting punched instead of doing the punching this time.

Patrick Stewart: You'll get nothing and like it!

Clappy: Actual insight on how the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation felt about this B plot. Seriously, do something already.

Stewie: Uh, hello?

Employee: Yes, welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you?

Stewie: Oh, hailing frequencies open, huh? [laughs]

Clappy: Ru-mYomDgP6xbwiBZQvBFkuQmQQia1hl-HDZm8qQ

JCM: boo

Uh, yeah, uh, we're gonna get, uh, two McChicken sandwiches and a diet coke and...uh, uh, what do you want, Michael?

Michael Dorn: A McDLT.

Rusty: Michael Dorn is secretly Jason Alexander.

Stewie: No, I already told you, they don't make those anymore.

Clappy: And they haven’t for 30-40 years.  Seriously, how old is Family Guy’s target audience?

JCM: 12, but they'll laugh at every joke anyway.

Michael Dorn: You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask.

Stewie: No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore.

Jonathan Frakes: I'd love a shamrock shake if they got any of those.

Stewie: It's September, Jonathan.

JCM: Stop making me feel depressed about March being over.

Clappy: Wow. A rare moment where Family Guy acknowledges some sort of time frame a non-holiday episode takes place. Weird.

[LeVar Burton has a visor on]

LeVar Burton: Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off?

Stewie: No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see.

Rusty: That’s how everybody’s been treating LeVar lately.

Clappy: And if we are going off the insensitive joke from earlier, this only makes Stewie look all the more racist.

JCM: I'm hoping the writers forgot that joke by the time they wrote this one and I'm hoping I forget it soon as well.

Michael Dorn: I'm just saying, they have all the ingredients for a McDL…

[Someone behind the van honks their horn]

Stewie: Just hang on! Alright? There's a lot of us! There's a lot of-- it's a big order!

Clappy: Maybe the guy behind you is waiting for you to do something with your guest stars like the rest of us?

Patrick Stewart: What time do they stop serving breakfast?

Stewie: It's 3:00.

JCM: That's not an answer!

Patrick Stewart: Some of them serve breakfast all day.

Rusty: Patrick Stewart sees the future and immediately wants to die.

Stewie Griffin: None of them serve breakfast all day!

Clappy: And now they all do…DO SOMETHING!

Michael Dorn: Do they have beer?

Clappy: What sort of McDonalds serves beer- oh forget it. Let’s cutback to the A plot. Where they at least know what they are doing with it.

Rusty: Clappy, you can get beer at a McDonald’s in Paris, have you ever seen Pulp Fiction, man?

[Brian is sitting in backyard reading a book]

Meg: Hey Brian! In hope you'll open your heart to God, I wanted to give you this cross.

Brian: No, I don't want a cross.

Meg: Would you want it if I threw it over there?

Brian: No, please don't do that.

Rusty: Would you say she’s making Brian…cross? *dies from cringe of joke*

Meg: You gonna get it boy?

Brian: No, please, no.

JCM: Just your once-an-episode reminder that Brian is, you know, a dog.

Meg: Go get it boy! [throws, Brian chases it while barking. He returns, gnawing on the cross] Okay, give it back now! [she tries to reach for it several times, but Brian keeps growling]

Clappy: He even growls to “The Right Stuff” by New Kids on the Block. Yes to the newer viewers who question if Family Guy prolonged gags back in their earlier seasons. It was not as obvious then as it is now, but still fairly bad.

Meg: [later approaches Brian sitting on the couch] Brian, Kirk Cameron is the one who converted me but unfortunately he's not available. So, I got his younger brother from "Growing Pains.”

Jeremy Miller: Would you guys buy me a case of Sudafed?

Rusty: Get it…cause he has a drug addiction…funny?

Meg: Don't you wanna tell Brian about Jesus?

Jeremy Miller: They got my picture up at the drug store and they won't sell me any Sudafed. I'll make it worth your while.

Clappy: Because making fun of someone’s irl serious drug and alcohol addiction history in an episode about moral ambiguity sure makes you a proud devout Christian.

JCM: Not all dogs go to heaven, but they'll still have a better batting average than FG writers when all is said and done.

Jason Seaver: Ben.

Jeremy Miller: Dad.

Jason Seaver: Ben. What have I told you about trading sexual favors for sudafed?

Clappy: The question was never answered. The possibilities are endless.

Rusty: …what

Brian: Look, Meg. I've had enough of this. You’re not gonna convert me.

Meg: But Brian! I just want you to feel the joy that I feel. I mean the Church makes me feel accepted and safe, and part of something bigger than myself.

Brian: But Meg, you don't need an outside voice to feel those feelings, they're inside you. What you call "God" is inside you, all of us. And I just hate to see people hating and killing each other over their own interpretation of what they're not smart enough to understand. You see what I'm saying?


Clappy: Wow and here I thought that atheists hate preaching nonsense. I’m a religious person myself but even I keep an open mind towards opposing views opposite of myself. Who the fuck are you Seth…I mean “Brian”, to say that people who do believe in God are not smart enough to understand religion. Who the fuck actually are you? Yes I do agree that there should be no Middle Eastern wars over the topic like most people do or people like Donald Trump who manipulates others by playing off Christianity and exploiting it for his own profit. But not all religious people are inherently stupid for believing in a higher power. There are extremist viewpoints on all subjects, but insulting their intelligence is not the way to go about it.

JCM: Dude goes from making a joke about Jeremy Miller sucking dick for Sudafed to trying to explain to all religious people why they're wrong about their core beliefs. I can guarantee you that this speech has been just as effective at changing opinions on religion for viewers as Meg promoting the gospel of Kirk Cameron has been for her family.

Meg: Oh I do Brian. And I think I know just what to do.

Tom Tucker: [on tv] Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story tonight: Just when you thought the world couldn't be any more dangerous, Channel 5 News has discovered that there is an atheist among us!

Clappy: HAHAHAHA eat shit Seth. Eat shit. Also it’s pronounced “amogus."


Rusty: This is like the opposite of bad Christian Persecution Films.

Diane Simmons: [a poster of Brian saying “Worse Than Hitler!” appears next to her]

Clappy: A picture really is worth a thousand words here:


JCM: I will admit I don't mind seeing that again.

Local church goer and junior christian soldier Meg Griffin has identified the atheist as Brian Griffin of Spooner Street. Here's the reaction from City Hall.

Adam West: Shocking to say the least. I'd rather have a terrorist living on our midst. At least they believe in a God. Even if it's a smelly brown God.

Clappy: I guess I’m not smart enough to understand this joke either. Better question, is anyone?

JCM: To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Family Guy.

Rusty: Casual Racism, this is exactly like a bad Christian Persecution Film.

Brian: Meg, how the hell could you do something like this?

Meg: If a man hath ears, let him hear, Brian!

Clappy: Even I don’t get this religious allegory.

JCM: People Who Have Never Read the Bible Making Up Bible Verses for 200, Alex.

Brian: Alright, what's the worst that could happen, this is the twenty first century, people are tolerant.

Rusty: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA says the guy painting all christians as idiots who hate people who are different.

Clappy: Avoid Twitter at all costs then, Brian.

[a brick is thrown through the window] Well, this is nothing, probably just a random act of violence. [Brian’s Prius crashes through next]

Brian: I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius.

Peter: Ha!

Clappy: Once again, hard to feel sympathetic for the character getting shunned when they aren’t being painted in a likable fashion. Do your homework Family Guy.

[Brian avoids a violent mob outside, barely making it inside of the house]

Brian: Huh, my God.

JCM: Thought you didn't believe in God 🤔

Rusty: Curious!

That was a close one.

Lois: Brian, what happened?

Clappy: Oh I don’t know Lois. Ask the fucking Prius that went flying through your house. Seriously, nobody is actually this oblivious…except the Griffins apparently.

Brian: I'm a pariah, Lois. Ever since Meg told everyone I'm an atheist I'm the most hated person in town. I try to rent a movie and they threw me out. I try to buy a pack of cigarettes and they threw me out. But the most serious part of it is no bar would serve me a drink!

Rusty: That explains a lot. Maybe Seth is just angry drunk and some Catholic Priest gave him a dirty look for being drunk at 9 AM.

Lois: Well if you ask me, I think laying off the sauce could do you some good Brian.

Clappy: Seriously Seth. Listen to your own show.

JCM: The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

Brian: Yeah, right. If you need me I'll be in the kitchen.

Lois: I hope he finds faith of some kind.

Clappy: He is just doomed to repeat the same mistakes Lois. We’ve got seasons more of proof.

Peter: You know who doesn't have all this problems? Marmaduke. All he does is eat pies off the high counter. Next time around we're gonna get ourselves a big tall pie-eating dog, Lois.

Lois: Okay Peter.

Peter: Or Howard Hughes. Let's get Howard Hughes! Great, we have a game plan.

Clappy: Marmaduke + Howard Hughes = ?

Brian: [sitting at the table, going through alcohol withdrawal as he imagines bottles spin around his head] Hold it together, Brian, hold it together.

Jack Daniels: Come on! You know you want a drink.

Beer: Yeah, come on, Brian, drink us!

JCM: What was this episode about, again?

Jagermeister: Come on, drink me! What are you waiting for?

Zima: Yeah you big silly ass. Just wrap your lips around me and take a big gulp.

Rusty: Something tells me Brain needs to go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Jagermeister: Get to the chopper! [alcohol bottles escape into a helicopter]

Clappy: Take me with you!

[Stewie is with the Star Trek cast at a bowling alley]

Clappy: Maybe they’ll do something interesting this time-…I think we still know the answer to this one.

Stewie: Alright, everybody got your bowling shoes, everybody got your balls.

Jonathan Frakes: I don't have my shoes.

Stewie: Jonathan, we were just up at the counter. Why didn't you get your shoes?

Patrick Stewart: I don't have my shoes either.

Stewie: What the hell? You need your shoes to bowl!

Patrick Stewart: Now, why exactly can I not wear my loafers? What is the danger there?

Rusty: A broken nose. Don’t ask.

Stewie: Because, Patrick, because, Patrick! Those are the rules.

JCM: I'm convinced.

Patrick Stewart: Well I think it's just because they want another dollar fifty from me.

Clappy: Riveting commentary on inflation. What other wacky shenanigans are they going to get into next?

Stewie: Alright, I'm putting our names in. Brent…

Brent Spiner: No-no, don't put Brent. Put Rock Kickass.

Stewie: I don't know how to change it, I already typed it in!

Clappy: It’s like you’re a baby or something.

Michael Dorn: For mine, put Dirk Diggler.

Stewie: I'm not gonna put everyone with a fake name!

Clappy: I sometimes questioned if some of these actors' names aren’t fake tbh.

Gates McFadden: How do you wanna do the teams?

Patrick Stewart: How about the white guys against the black guys?

Rusty: …what

JCM: Well, that's it for me! See y'all at the end.

Stewie: Patrick, don't be an instigator.

Clappy: Is that what he calls it?

Michael Dorn: I have to pee.

Stewie: Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please.

Brent Spiner: Okay. [walking off while holding hands]

Rusty: god i wish that were me

Clappy: Fucking enthralling television. Any other witty comments?

Patrick Stewart: [holding up two bowling balls] Look at me, I've got girl boobs!

Clappy: Great. Fox sure got their money’s worth with this side plot!

[Meg is praying in her bedroom]

Meg: God, please wrap this up over the next three minutes or I swear to god I’ll bring back Lacey Chabert.

Brian: Hey Meg! Guess what? I've seen the light!

Rusty: Blinded by it, even! He’s revved up like a Deucebag.

Meg: Really?

Brian: Yes, hallelujah I believe in God. Lordy-lordy, I believe!

Meg: Brian, that's fantastic news!

Clappy: Why don’t you ask him to quote his favorite bible verse as proof? Or are we to believe that all Christians are idiots? Whoops, there I go bringing that up again.

Brian: I know, I know. Hey, you mind spreading the news around town, say maybe down at the liquor store, maybe down at the Clam.

Rusty: I love how…the writers make it PAINFULLY obvious that Brian’s an Unsympathetic Alcoholic, and yet WE’RE SUPPOSED TO CHEER FOR HIM?! God, get a dog up ya, Seth.

Meg: Of course Brian, but first we have work to do. God's work. And God will be happy that you're joining me.

Clappy: Or jamming out to Queen, amirite?

Brian: Then I say let's celebrate the way they did in the bible. With wine. Red wine. You know, like Jesus drank.

Rusty: I might need some Red Red Wine to cool my nerves after this. I’m sorry, I’m supposed to be the funny one, aren’t I?

Jesus: [on a date] Do you like the wine?

Woman: Very much, what is it?

Jesus: Take a guess.

Woman: I have to leave.

Jesus: [locks door] Naaah, sit down.

Clappy: Wow. This might be even more tasteless than the last cutaway…which reminds me, this episode has not been all that cutaway heavy. Maybe because Seth really wants to hammer in his garbage moral? Possibly.

[Meg is driving the car, while Brian is in the passenger seat with alcohol]

Brian: Thanks for setting everyone straight, Meg. I feel the warm healing liquid presence of God's genuine cold filtered grace.

Rusty: and just like that, a new genre of fetish was born.

Clappy: Wait a minute “Brian”…aren’t you being as exploitative as those “stupid Christians” just to get what you want? Whoops, there I go using logic again to point out the hypocrisy in your own stance.

Meg: It was my pleasure Brian. And now, we get to do the work of the Lord. [stops car] Come on!

Brian: What? What are we doing?

Meg: God's will Brian. [points to a mob burning books]

Clappy: If you really want to hammer your point across, all of those books should be Brian’s novel.

Brian: A book burning?

Meg: Come on! Grab an arm full! We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God!

Rusty: Can I burn the master tape of this episode? Pretty please?

[several books thrown into the fire include: “The Origin of Species” by Charles Darwin, “A Brief History of Time” by Stephen Hawking and “Logic for First Graders”]

Clappy: Ah yes, because it is god's will to do something as extremely dated as a book burning to react to anyone who is opposing your stance. As funny as it is that they are burning a book called “Logic for First Graders”, it’s also fitting because going to this level of extremity to preach your moral onto your audience is like watching a first grader throwing a temper tantrum because someone disagrees with them.

Rusty: I WISH it was dated, but apparently it’s common practice down here in Tennessee. Yea, I live in a state with crazy evangelists and I’m calling out this episode’s BS.

Brian: Meg, I can't be a part of this. And neither should you!

Meg: What are you talking about? I thought you'd seen the light, Brian!

Rusty: hey remember when this started with Kirk Cameron

Brian: Well, to be honest I lied for booze, but Meg, you're a smart girl. You ought to be able to see that what's going on here is wrong!

Meg: You are not gonna turn me from my faith, Brian!

Clappy: But you’re burning books…the most outdated form of protesting.

Brian: Ok, fine, then let me ask you this. If there were a God, would He have put you here on Earth with a flat chest and a fat ass?

Meg: I'm made in His image…

Brian: Really? Would He give you a smoking hot Mom like Lois and have you grow-up looking like Peter?

Meg: Well…

Brian: And what kind of God would put you in a house where no one respects and cares about you, not even enough to give you a damn mumps shot?!

Rusty: Oh it’s the classic “you have a horrible life therefore there is no god”...fuckin, does this guy ever listen to actual Christians who had shitty lives? Whatever.

Meg: …Oh, no! You're right, Brian! You're right!

Clappy: And for as much as I was annoyed about listening to this episode basically depict all Christians as ignorant bigots, this is where a bad plot becomes absolutely atrocious. Because if you are unattractive and have a miserable life like Meg, then God does not exist. Fuck off Seth…I mean “Brian”…I mean Seth. I was planning to dive in further, but I recently read an interview where even Seth states that he regretted this and considers this a bad episode in hindsight. Hindsight sure is 20/20 so I’m glad to see he regrets this one. At the same time…well gee, I wonder why? Was it because of the hypocrisy of your own moral? Was it because you have a one track state of mind when it comes to preaching your views? Or maybe because you don’t care how your audience feels anymore and just want to give them the middle finger constantly? Nah, we aren’t at that state for the show…yet. But this sure does feel like Seth doing whatever he wants without any remorse. I guess we should all convert to atheism since nobody is perfect in the eyes of God, right Seth? Someone cast another Prius over this loophole.

Brian: I'm sorry Meg.

Meg: But what is there to believe in without God? Where do the answers come from?

Brian: Oh that's all part of the human experience. It's what we're here to find out. And I bet you that the real answer to the nature of our existence is gonna be more unimaginably amazing than we can possibly conceive.

Rusty: hashtag deep

Clappy: Too deep Brian. Too deep. Quagmire’s epic rant against Brian’s flaws as a character couldn’t come soon enough.

[Zoom out from Earth into space. Reveal Rob Lowe and Adam West in separate beds.]

Clappy: How old fashioned.

Rusty: Hey it’s like Bert and Ernie…it’s even as charming as Bert and Ernie. I’m impressed.

Adam West: Rob? Did you hear that?

Rob Lowe: Hear what?

Rusty: ......*fart_sound_effect.mp3*

Adam West: I swear I heard something.

Adam West: A talking dog and baby.

Rob Lowe: Oh God, we have been over and over this. There is nothing under your bed. There is nothing in the closet. There are no such things as monsters. Alright?

Clappy: Clearly Rob Lowe has never met Brian Griffin, who is worse than Hitler.

Adam West: Alright I guess.

Rob Lowe: Good. Now, try to go to sleep, cause we gotta get up in the morning and make movies. We're big Hollywood actors.

Adam West: Yeah we are! [fist bump]

Clappy: At this point of their careers, they were television actors, but who am I to not enjoy this small tidbit…no matter how weirdly out of place it was. RIP Adam West.

Rusty: Godspeed, Batman. Godspeed.

[In Stewie's bedroom, the entire cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" are standing on his transporter pad, with Stewie standing beside the transporter controls, exhausted]

Clappy: And speaking of weirdly out of place, let’s wrap up this nothing of a B plot.

Stewie: This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined "Star Trek: The Next Generation" for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die.

Clappy: Damn Stewie. At least let them answer your questions first.

Rusty: I’m talking everything from you, give me your phone.

Patrick Stewart: I still have five prize tickets from the carnival.

Stewie Griffin: There was nothing for five tickets! We've been over this!

Patrick Stewart: Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy troll pencil topper.

Clappy:  You see the joke is that these are fully grown men, but maybe if they made this funny, then you would get this is supposed to be a joke.

Stewie: Oh, yeah? You gonna share that?

LeVar Burton: Yeah, we were gonna share it.

Stewie: Really? How's that going to work?

Patrick Stewart: Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays.

Clappy: Honestly sounds like a solid custody arrangement. They sure did better than most actual human beings do with child custody.

Stewie Griffin: For a pencil topper?

Rusty: …one more time…what

Michael Dorn: I have to pee again.

Clappy: Thanks for your one bit joke. Sure hope they paid you well to repeatedly beat that into the ground.

Stewie Griffin: That's it. Good-bye. [teleports them away. Brent's drink doesn't teleport and stains the floor] Fuck!

Clappy:  “Fuck!” Is right. You all should know by now how I feel about the A-plot. It’s terrible. It always has been terrible and I’m glad to see that Seth regrets it in hindsight.

But let’s focus on this B plot to wrap things up. This was always highlighted as being the reason to watch this episode and I used to like this B plot back in the day. But now? I’m sorry but I’m going to call it just a waste of time. Like you reunited the main cast of one of the most beloved television series of all-time and this is what you choose to do with it? Alexa, give me all the synonyms for the word lazy.

Family Guy has had far worse episodes than this is an understatement. However, I can’t think of a more perfect “earlier season” episode that represents how atrocious this show ended up becoming than this.

JCM: I don't remember the show having this much casual racism. The fact that these supposedly progressive writers would go for that low hanging fruit not just once, not just twice, but three times in the portion of the script I actually bothered to read shows how progressive they really are. They seem to want to follow the Norman Lear approach of using their characters to comment on issues they feel are important and that they feel don't get a lot of exposure on other shows, but these writers aren't as smart and certainly aren't as funny as the ones the Norman Lear shows had.

I'm glad Seth went on to regret this episode's A-plot, but it's too little and too late for that. My annoyance at this episode's mocking of religious people was only second to my annoyance at its casual treatment of race, and while I agree it's not the worst episode even out of the few I remember, it's one I wouldn't think for a second about changing the channel to avoid watching the next time it's on Adult Swim or whatever the crap Family Guy is rerunning on now. If I was still one of the 13 year old boys this show's humor seems to be targeted at I would probably be willing to sit through it and might even enjoy it but now that I'm twice that age I have much better things to do with my time. Peace.

Rusty: Okay, so time for my piece, huh. Well, I’m Agnostic, and to be honest, I find that religion can be a good and healthy way to deal with the Existential Dread that we all face, from the Incoming Specter of Death to How we Face Everyday Problems. Whatever belief system helps you deal with that, great! I won’t judge…unless your beliefs actively harm people. That I have a BIG problem with. While certain politicians can’t seem to stop using religion as an excuse to abuse and harm others, there are at least more religious people unlike than like them. Unfortunately, Seth in 2009 didn’t think that way. I’m glad Seth has grown to regret this episode, he should, frankly. The A-Plot was some of the most crass, preachy writing that ever hit a writing floor.

As for the B-Plot, well, what more can you say? It’s like they got all of the Star Trek: Next Generation cast members together and…didn’t know what to do with them. I swear that joke about killing off one of the actors had more potential for a story, but nope, Bowling Alleys and McDonald’s Drive-Thrus, HUMOR. Just…wasted potential, that’s all I can say.

Anyway I’ll see you next week…I promise I won’t be that busy.


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Episode IV: German Guy


WhoBob: Woohoo! This is my first riff ever! And for a show I absolutely love and despise all together. I’m really excited for you guys to read what I have cooked here. It feels great to be a part of this project. I hope you’ll enjoy it.

Rusty: *casually writes my riffs 3 weeks late*

[Theme song. Episode opens on Lois walking into the living room.]

Lois: Everyone, we need to discuss our problem with Chris. His little habit of, uh, personal amusement is getting way out of hand. I mean, look at this. [holds up a blue plate that is actually Chris’s blanket]

Brian: What's that, some kind of board?

Lois: It's Chris' blanket. [she drops it and it shatters like glass]

Rusty: Lois is in a secret love affair with Thanos, it seems.

We've got to do something about this. I'm pretty sure our washing machine is pregnant! I'm not even sure how that's scientifically possible!

Peter: Uh, life, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh... finds a way.

WhoBob: Ah yes, let’s start with another le masturbation joke they keep making with Chris.

Rusty: SMAw5M2J6vyGBx8Kc1vi1Wpruzw8OVKBDfp46aT5

Brian: You know, maybe you guys should help find Chris a hobby.

Peter: Wait a minute, Brian, that's a great idea. Chris needs a hobby! Hey, Chris, get in here!

WhoBob: Thanks Brian for that great idea to begin the plot.

Chris: [walks in] Yeah, Dad?

Peter: We are gonna find you a hobby. What do you think of that?

Chris: Okay.

Rusty: and the plot begins. If it was less subtle it’d have a sign that says “PLOT BEGIN HERE." Seriously, this feels like stuff I’d write in 6th grade.

Peter: There you go, that's the spirit. [gives him a pat on the back, which causes his clothes to crack and shatter like the blanket did] Yuck.

Rusty: Ok, Thanos is a slut. I won’t judge.

[Chris and Peter walk through the neighborhood, encountering Herbert]

Herbert: Hey, Christopher. What are you up to?

Chris: Hi, Mr. Herbert. My dad's helping me find a hobby.

Herbert: Well, you sure got a pretty morning for it.

Peter: Chris, don't waste our time with the elderly, they're dying.

Rusty: …what?

WhoBob: Peter confirmed to be an ageist, wow.

Herbert: [looks at Chris walking away] Please, God, let me just sniff his hat. Let me just sniff his hat, that's all I want. [Chris’s hat blows off due to wind and lands in Herbert’s hands. He sniffs it.] Now I want more.

WhoBob: Oh boy, he is even more persistent on this.

[Peter and Chris are in the kitchen looking at stamps]

Peter: Okay Chris, this is the gentle art of philately, otherwise known as stamp collecting. Here's a pile of stamps carefully collected from swap meets and garage sales. [picks up a stamp] And look at this, it's a bolivian airplane. It says it's worth 8 cents, but really… [briefly checks a book] It's worth 12. See that? Already ahead. Came right out of the blocks with the winner here, Chris. [picks stamp up on puts it in the scrap book] Now we'll just paste this very carefully into the book. And that's where it belongs. [takes out a gun] Now this is a loaded handgun. [puts gun to his head] Now what we're gonna do is kill ourselves because this is horrible.

Rusty: Yea, cause fuck people with that hobby.

Chris: Couldn't we just stop philately?

Peter: Too late. [shoots himself]

WhoBob: Ahahahahahahahahaha, Peter kills himself. Finally, the show is over folks!

[Peter and Chris go to the Drunken Clam]

Peter: All right, Chris, this is one of the oldest hobbies in existence: Drinking. Hey, hey, good times just walked in. [applause and cheering]

Horace: Oh, hey, he can't be in here. He's not 21.

Rusty: Wow, a responsible character in Family Guy, that’s considered an endangered species.

Peter: [escorts Chris outside] All right, just hang out here for a little bit, huh?

[Chris waits outside for a while, then a drunken Peter comes out]

Peter: [slurring] All right, see you later, gang. Chris, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be at camp. What am I paying for? [collapses] I could have gone pro if it wasn't for my bum knee. [snoring]

WhoBob: Animated father of the year!

Chris: [sighs, then gasps when he looks over to see the grand opening of the Quahog Puppet Store]

Rusty: Toon Boom Puppets, not real ones. The network’s trying to save money.

Wow! [enters inside and looks at Pinocchio] That is so cool. What is it?

WhoBob: Chris has never seen Pinocchio? Smh.

Franz: It's a puppet. Welcome. I am Franz Gutentag, and this is my puppet shop.

Rusty: I hope to GOD that’s just a pseudonym for him, because if it isn’t, damn that’s lazy.

Chris: Puppets. And I thought I'd seen everything. My name is Chris.

Franz: Well, Chris, puppetry is a wonderful art form. You can create an entire world right before your eyes and watch it come to life.

WhoBob: That’s also what Hitler tried to do with brainwashing and shaping the world in his image. I wonder if this parallel foreshadows anything?

Chris: Wow. [looks at unfinished puppet] What's that one over there?

Franz: Ah. That is a work in progress. It is waiting to become anything we wish it to be. [dresses it up to resemble Chris] My name is Chris, and I like candy and jumping and colorful birds.

Chris: Wow! What else do I like?

Rusty: Fanboying over Seth Green for some reason.

Franz: You like the pop singing of today. [turns on music, synthesized pop music playing. Franz makes the Chris puppet dance while singing a song]

Two, three, ich berleg' bei mir

ihr' nas'n spricht daf whrenddessen ich noch rauch'.

Die special places sind ihr wohlbekannt

ich mein', sie fhrt ja u-bahn auch.

Dort singen's dreh' dich nicht, um...

Ooh, oh, oh...

Schau, schau...

Der kommissar geht, um...

Ooh, oh, oh...

WhoBob: Damn, this definitely competes with Dark with the best German music to use.

Chris: Yay! That was the German-est thing I've ever seen.

Franz: I'm so glad you like it, Chris. Would you like to try?

Chris: Oh, boy, would I?! [goes over to two puppets resembling Edward and Jacob from Twilight, roleplaying with them]

Rusty: REMEMBER TWILIGHT?!!?!?!?!?

Edward: I'm a vampire, and I'm in love with this unattractive girl.

Jacob: I'm a werewolf, and I am also in love with this unattractive girl.

Edward: Boy, she sure can act though, can't she?

Rusty: Bruh she was like 19 at the time, lay off, 10-year-old Family Guy episode.

Jacob: Nope.

WhoBob: This Kristen Stewart slander will not be accepted!

Chris: The end!

Franz: [laughs] Bravo, Chris! You have really tapped into the wonder and enchantment that is puppetry.

Rusty: You’ll control the US Government in no-time!

Chris: Plus I move these dolls and make like they're talking.

Franz: Yes. Right.


Chris: Thanks for showing me how to do it and being so nice to me, Mr. Gutentag.

Franz: Call me Franz.

Chris: Okay. Franz.

Franz: You know, Chris, seeing a young person like you enjoy puppetry makes me so happy. I feel like we could become good friends.

Rusty: Especially when he takes out his sack puppet.

Chris: That sounds like fun! Wow, I think you're just about my most favorite guy who's gonna die soon.

Rusty: Brutal honesty is still honesty.

Franz: That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

Herbert: [looking through the shop window, horrified] Oh, no!

WhoBob: And the jealousy begins.

[Herbert knocks on Griffin's household door. Peter answers it.]

Herbert: Mr. Griffin, I'm sorry to bother you, but there's a… Well, there's a situation, and we need to talk.

Peter: Look, if this is about those droppings in your yard, it was, uh, uh, Brian. Yeah, Brian.

WhoBob: Maybe Peter should commit to doing that in a pedo’s yard more often.

Herbert: No, it's this man Chris is hanging out with. He's bad news.

Lois: Why? What's the problem?

Herbert: Chris is friends with a nazi!

Peter: What?!

WhoBob: This hits differently in the current year. 🤐

Herbert: At first I wasn't sure it was him, but I got a closer look, and now there's no question in my mind. Franz Gutentag is really Lieutenant Franz Schlechtnacht, the most sadistic S.S. guard in all of Hitler's concentration camps.

Rusty: Oh, so they just made up a German-sounding name…well that’s better than “Franz Gutentag”…

Lois: That's a very serious accusation. How do you know this man was a Nazi prison guard?

WhoBob: Yeah, what gives Herbert? You're old, you probably don’t remember well. 

Herbert: 'Cause I was there. [narrates while a flashback of a younger Herbert in the war plays] It was 1944. I was a young Air Force pilot assigned as part of an escort for a bombing raid over Southern Germany, when we encountered the Luftwaffe. At first, we thought we were in the clear because the Germans were frightened by the scary shark face on the front of my plane.

German Pilot 1: Aah! A shark!

German Pilot 2: How did it get all the way up here in the sky!?

German Pilot 1: Who cares, you fool? You want to get eaten? Retreat!

Rusty: ...okay that was actually a legitimately good joke.

WhoBob: Wow, someone tell Salmon that sharks can fly.

Herbert: But there was one stubborn pilot who saw through my disguise.

[The pilot shoots down several planes before finally gunning down Herbert's plane]

Herbert: Most of the surviving American pilots were taken to POW camps. [soldiers look at pictures of boys in Herbert’s wallet]

Rusty: Ok, so on the one hand we have a pedophile and on the other side we have a fucking Nazi…WHO THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO ROOT FOR?!

But for some reason, they thought I was gay. So I was taken to a concentration camp. Behind those walls, there was one guard who decided everyone's fate. If he pointed to the left, you did hard labor. If he pointed to the right, you died. That man was Franz Schlechtnacht. I was spared death, but I was given hard labor. He made me sort the camp recyclables, but some of those bottles still had a little bit of soda in them. It would spill out on my hands and make 'em kinda sticky. Dear God, how my hands would get kinda sticky! Oh! [Lieutenant Schlechtnacht laughs cruelly at Herbert] No one should have to suffer the way I suffered. So that's why Chris should stay away from that puppet store guy.

WhoBob: Holy damn? Sticky hands? MY WORST NIGHTMARE!!! This is the saddest holocaust story ever! I’m so sad. Spielberg has nothing on Family Guy’s tragedy.

Peter: That all sounds kind of sketchy. Wait, are you Jamie Kennedy? Am I... Am I being skunked or puked or whatever some shit?

Herbert: I'm telling you the truth. I swear on my nephew's grave.

WhoBob: Welp, we all can figure out how that went down.

Lois: I don't know, Franz seems like such a nice old man. Y... You know, maybe we should just invite him for dinner and clear this whole thing up.

Peter: Yeah, you know, we got no right passing judgment without getting to know him. Isn't that right, Scottish Chipmunk?

[Peter and Lois look at Scottish Chipmunk in the living room]

Peter: Yeah, he doesn't talk, but, uh, he's a chipmunk, and he's Scottish, and he would back me up on this.

WhoBob: Talk about not even trying with jokes. He is just a chipmunk...and Scottish. Okay, that’s really it? Even the typical bad stereotypes would actually have more effort than whatever this is.

[Chris is about to head to Franz’s house, but Herbert tries to stop him]

Herbert: Chris, wait. Where are you going?

Chris: I'm going to Mr. Gutentag's house.

Herbert: You can't.

Chris: Why not?

Herbert: Chris, his name isn't Gutentag, it's Schlechtnacht, and he's a Nazi!

Chris: What?!

WhoBob: He’s a Nazi! Clean your ears!

Herbert: It's true. You got to stay away from that terrible man.

Chris: Mr. Gutentag isn't a terrible man. He's my friend.

Herbert: Chris, you don't understand, I'm trying to help you.

Chris: Help me what? Clean your pool with my shirt off, or wash your car in jean shorts, bend over in front of you to get little bits of lint out of the rug? You're always getting me running around 'till I'm sweaty. I know what you're about Mr. Herbert! Free Labour, and I'm not into it!

WhoBob: Chris really said “you are allowed to sexually assault me as long as I get paid.”

Herbert: Chris, you have to choose! It's either Franz or me.

[Chris gives him an angry look, then knocks on Franz’s door. Herbert is sad.]

WhoBob: Hmmm, choosing either a Nazi or a pedo. Pick your poison.

Franz: Chris, what's the matter? You look upset.

Chris: Mr. Herbert was saying terrible things about you. He said you liked Hitler, and your name isn't really Gutentag.

Rusty: if this dialogue was even more blunt, it would cause a nuclear fallout.

Franz: Oh, Chris, you can't always believe what you hear. For example, everybody thinks that prostitution is illegal, but there are ways around it.

[Cutaway: a man is shown with a prostitute in a hotel room, exchanging cash]

Man: All right, let's do it.

[Cops barge in, pointing guns]

Cop: Both of you are under arrest for prostitution!

Man: It's not prostitution.

Cop: You paid her to have sex.

Man: No, I paid her to have sex and we're filming it. So, technically it's not prostitution, it's a porno.

Cop: Oh, well, as long as you're filming and selling it, it's legal. Enjoy your day. Remember kids, she's not a whore if she's an actress!

Rusty: This is probably the only really clever part of the episode, how it just points out how weird prostitution laws are…

Announcer: This has been a message from: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

WhoBob: Well, we are halfway through and this is the first cutaway we have gotten. I’m surprised that it took this long to get one considering the show always does its cutaway or tv parodies at the start. The episode would have been legit good with minimal cutaways if it wasn’t such a dry one.

[Back to Chris and Franz, knocking is heard on the door]

Chris: Oh, that's probably mean old Mr. Herbert again. [opens it to see Peter] Dad?

Peter: Excuse me, Chris, I got to talk to Mr. Pupenchest here.

WhoBob: Eh, close enough. Silly German names are easy to mix up.

Franz: Good day to you, Mr. Griffin.

Peter: Say, listen, my wife and I appreciate how nice you've been to my son with all the puppets and whatnot, and, uh, we wanted to invite you over for dinner.

WhoBob: Peter is really brave to walk into a suspected Nazi’s house and politely ask him to dinner.

Franz: Oh, wonderful! And I shall celebrate our friendship by giving you a hand-carved German wall clock.

Peter: Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! [Franz “looks” for clock]

Franz: I could not find the clock.

Peter: Aw. But you got three of them on the wall over there.

Franz: Yes, those are mine.

Peter: Oh.

Franz: Yeah, I need those.

Peter: Uh-huh. I just don't know why you said it then!


WhoBob: Poor Peter, he didn’t get any German wall clock. Talk about one of the biggest disappointments in all of animation.

Chris: Mr. Gutentag, can I use the bathroom?

Franz: Of course. Down the hall to the right. It's the door marked: “Gluckmachnichten- mechwerchtichlieber.”

Rusty: Get it, because German has a lot of compound words!!! I swear to christ, I took 2 years of German in high school and my teacher would tear this crap to ribbons.

[Chris goes down the hall, seeing two doors and confused which one to enter. He instead goes into the one labeled “keineentranzmitplatzmunchen.” Chris is shocked to see a room filled with Nazi items and pictures.]

WhoBob: I learned German in high school before, it’s not that hard of a language lmao.

Chris: What the...? [Chris goes to the desk and picks up a badge that says “Lt. Schlechtnacht”]

WhoBob: Holy damn twist. A German is a Nazi? Who would have thought!

Franz: [behind] So now you know the truth. [aims gun to Peter who is beside him]

Chris: I promise I won't tell anyone! Just let my dad go!

Franz: Oh, I am afraid that is quite impossible.

[Franz forces Peter and Chris into the basement]

Rusty: So many Catholic jokes, so little time.

Peter: You're not gonna get away with this, Mr. Googlesearch!

WhoBob: Googlesearch is also easy to mix up with Gutentag.

Franz: Oh, but I think that I will. You two know my secret. I must be sure no one ever finds out the truth.

Peter: So what? Are you gonna kill us?

Franz: Perhaps, Mr. Griffin. I have not yet decided.

WhoBob: The antagonist isn't even sure if he wants to kill them, way to raise the tension.

Peter: Well, you might want to do something about that first. [points at nothing]

Franz: What? [Peter smacks the gun out of his hand and Chris picks it up]

WhoBob: Oh wow, Peter actually outsmarting a Nazi. That’s actually neat, see, he’s not completely braindead.

Peter: Quick, shoot him, Chris! What are you waiting for?!

Chris: I... I... How do I know which one to shoot?

Peter: …What?

Rusty: Oh my god are we REALLY GOING HERE?

Chris: How do I know which one is the real Dad?!

Peter: I... We... We never switched. We don't even look the same!

WhoBob: Chris really is like his father.

Chris: All right, when's my birthday?

Peter: Ah crap.

Franz: February 8th.

Whobob: Which is also Seth Green’s birthday, clever.

Chris: [shoots Peter in the shoulder] Dad! [runs to Franz and hugs him]

Franz: [takes gun from Chris and aims] There. That's more like it.

Peter: You idiot!

Rusty: ...I hate repeating jokes, but I have to here:


Chris: Next time, remember my birthday, asshole!

WhoBob: I know right? What a shitty dad. I can’t blame Chris for shooting.

[Lois knocks on the house door]

Franz: Mrs. Griffin! What a nice surprise! Come in!

Lois: Mr. Gutentag, I'm sorry to bother you, but Chris and Peter didn't come home last night. Have you seen them?

Franz: Oh, wait, is he a great big fat person?

WhoBob: Thanks for making it clear that Peter is fat, I wouldn’t tell otherwise.

Lois: He's a large man, yes, sir.

Franz: No, I have not seen them.

Lois: Well, if you do, could you please contact me? I'm just worried sick.

Franz: Of course, Mrs. Griffin. I will let you know immediately.

[Peter and Chris are shown still trapped in the basement]

Chris: Dad, I want to go home.

WhoBob: Try saying please. Never forget the power of please.

Peter: All right, let's try and figure a way outta here. Look around. See if you can find something to break the door down with.

Chris: [finds a hidden window and gasps] Dad, there's a window here!

Peter: Oh, my God, maybe we can get outside.

Chris: No, it's too small. Wait, Dad, look. There's Meg walking down the street.

Peter: Hey, Meg! Hanging out with all your friends? [both laugh]

Chris: Hey, whale, the ocean's that way!

WhoBob: Ah yes, Meg bashing jokes. We always have those at Family Guy.

Rusty: Fucking Useless.

Peter: That's a good one, too. All right, let's figure a way to get outta here. Now we can't fit through the window, but maybe there's some way we can let people know we're down here. We gotta make as much noise as possible to get people's attention. And nothing makes more noise than unwanted salsa music. Hand me that radio.

[Peter puts the radio on the window and loud salsa music plays. Quagmire hears the loud salsa music from his bedroom, waking up.]

Quagmire: What the hell? Oh, for God's sake, where's that white noise machine? [turns on machine which makes woman’s screaming sounds]

Woman: Help! Oh, my God, help! Somebody help me!

Quagmire: Ahhh. [goes to sleep]

WhoBob: That was very uncomfy as fuck, even for a rapist Quagmire joke.

Rusty: I’ll give it a pass as this was before Screams of Silence.

[music turns to static]

Peter: Aw, man, the battery's dead. Now what do we do?

Chris: [sees Herbert outside and gasps] Oh, my God. Mr. Herbert! MR. HERBERT! Oh, he can't hear me. JESSE! JESSE!

WhoBob: 733.jpg

Jesse: [barks weakly]

Rusty: mood

Herbert: Jesse, what is it, boy? [sees Chris in the window and gasps] Chris! Chris, what happened?!

Chris: You were right, Mr. Herbert. Franz is a Nazi. And he's keeping us prisoner down here. Get help.

Peter: Oh, and if you see Meg, tell her “Thunder Thighs are on the move! Thunder Thighs are loose.”

WhoBob: ahahahaha body shaming jokes. Wonderful.

Herbert: You know, Chris, all my life, I've wanted to see you locked in a basement. But now that it's happened, all I want to do is get you out! Don't you worry. I'll be back with help.

WhoBob: A pedo actually feeling bad for his wants or is it just him being jelly over a Nazi locking his favorite up? More at 11.

Rusty: “Pedophile defend kid from Nazi.” That’s a S*n headline if I ever heard one.

Peter: You want me to write that Thunder Thighs thing down for you-Ah, he's not gonna do it.

[Herbert goes into his closet, which contains a bunny costume, and changes into his old military uniform. He then barges into Franz’s house.]

WhoBob: Damn, Herbert’s closet has a bunny costume? He is a furry too? I knew he was a menace.

Herbert: I'm here for the boy.

WhoBob: To claim him! Chris, you don't want him as your savior.

Franz: Who are you?

Herbert: Oh, you don't remember me? Well, I remember you, Lieutenant Schlechtnacht. [Franz gasps] But then why should you remember? There were so many of us. But, frankly, I don't give a damn. And I'll tell you this: Only one of us is gonna walk out of here alive!

[Franz rips his clothes off to reveal his Nazi uniform]

Rusty: So he’s been wearing that this whole time? Not a very good secret identity.

Franz: Bring it on!


[Dramatic action music plays. Two slowly move towards each other. They slowly try to hit each other. The two fall to the floor and Franz begins snoring.]

Herbert: Wake up. Wake up. We're fighting..

Franz: Where... Where am I?

Herbert: It's okay. We're fighting. Wake up.

[The two slowly get up. They are about to continue fighting, when suddenly, rapid beeping. Herbert checks the time.]

WhoBob: Can you be any slower? And you’ve had your blinker on for the last five blocks!

Herbert: Uh, hang on. Hang on. Pills.

Franz: Yeah, me, too.

[The two sit down on the couch and sort through pills.]

Rusty: what the FUCK? Just call the damn police and they'll deport him!

Herbert: Wednesday, right?

Franz: Yeah, it's Wednesday.

WhoBob: Man, I can relate, even if I’m not old. Always those damn pills.

[Franz struggles to get up]

Franz: Uh, you know what? You know what?

Herbert: What?

Franz: I'm having some trouble getting up. Would you mind calling my nurse? Her name is Frieda. Her phone number is in the kitchen.

[Herbert slowly goes to the kitchen. Freida is then shown entering the house.]

Freida: Oh, gosh, look who's stuck on the couch again!

Rusty: Are we seriously doing this? Really?

Franz: I'm not stuck on the couch.

Freida: Okay, Mr. Cranky. One, two... three! There we go! You didn't need me. You did that yourself. Good for you. You need anything else?

Franz: No, I'm fine, thank you.

Freida: Okay, you guys have fun. [leaves]

WhoBob: What a nice nurse that totally isn’t clueless of why her patient is wearing a Nazi outfit and fighting with another elder. 😄

[The two slowly resume their fighting again. Their fighting goes outside, as Franz trips over the porch and is about to fall.]

Herbert: Franz, grab my hand!

[Franz falls as mournful music plays. He smashes to the ground, bones cracking.]


Herbert: [salutes] Say good night, you Nazi bastard.

WhoBob: Damn, what a patriot! That fight sequence took 70 years out of me for sure. What a creatively bankrupt this comedy fight was. Family Guy is known for its absurd fight sequences and this one was too painfully slow to find funny. And this is me ignoring that this is just a “hahahaha look how they are old” joke. This fight may have only lasted 4 minutes but it really felt like an hour.

Rusty: At least Peter vs. Ernie is actually action-packed.

[Birds chirping. Peter and Chris are seen with Herbert outside.]

Chris: Thanks for everything, Mr. Herbert. If only I had listened to you, none of this would've happened. You were my real friend all along. I'm sorry.

Herbert: It's okay, Chris. Sometimes the only way to really appreciate what you have is to see what life is like without it. And there's nothing I appreciate more than your friendship. [The two hug]

WhoBob: What an absolutely heartwarming moment between a pedo and his next victim! And there was not even a joke about that, just Herbert moaning a lil which doesn’t even count as a joke. So cringy and uncomfortable.

Meg: Dad, Mr. Herbert called me “Thunder Thighs!”

Peter: Oh, you did it. Thank you.

WhoBob: And we end the ep with another Meg sucks joke...

Man, this show huh. It made up the entirety of my teenage years and even with all the terrible jokes and stories, I still tuned in. The show does mean something to me, even if I acknowledge now that it’s a complete shit show. So seeing this show go from being a more absurd and wacky family sitcom to a show that offends and bores people really is an accomplishment. I swear, back then I used to be so angry with this episode. Now I feel nothing out of it. I’m not even gonna acknowledge how this ep made a pedo character sympathetic, despite that he was always supposed to be a joke (a joke that we all know has run its course). This episode's biggest crime is being a boring snore with dry jokes and a stupid, dragged fight sequence. For an episode that only had one cutaway gag (and it wasn’t even a funny one), it really could have been something interesting. I love when modern Family Guy thinks outside the box and goes wild with its storytelling by using barely any of its usual structure. But this episode ain’t it, chief. It’s astonishing that despite how Family Guy fell hard, it’s still alive and doing good numbers with the audience. We really do have trash taste. I enjoyed making this riff on the episode and I can’t wait to do more of this. I have 3 more episodes planned, so get ready!

Rusty: This episode was DRY. Like, BONE DRY. It’s just so…well it just feels like it’s explaining rather than showing. It’s just…I dunno. Was it worth fighting through depression to finish this? Maybe. On to the next one!


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Episode V: Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q


Clappy: Remember my short lived television review series? Remember my other short lived television review series? Remember how I’ve talked about how much of an abomination to all humanity this episode is to not only abuse victims, but good taste, period? Want to see me do it again?

Steel: Remember when Family Guy was great? Pepperidge Farms may remember, but I don’t. I shouldn’t really have any right to talk about this particular episode or anything Family Guy-related in-depth when I’ve been religiously avoiding this cartoon like the plague for years (including everything else that Seth MacFarlane has ever made), after being made aware of all the warning signs of it that I’ve viewed all across the internet, as well as from what my peers have been saying to the point where we’ve all been making memes just to relentlessly mock it. By that notion alone, I am something of an outsider when it comes to Family Guy. However, that doesn’t mean that I’m not well-educated about what this show is like.

Despite me having had zero interest in this cartoon ever since joining my baby’s first message board that was tv.com (R.I.P.), I have actually seen a select several episodes by chance encounter, and while I’ve only seen bits and pieces of “Screams of Silence: The Story of Brenda Q,” (Just look at that pretentious, pseudo-philosophical title, let alone from the poster-child of unfunny adult animation, there’s no way you can take FG seriously with a title like that.) my minimal experience of it has been a terrible one, especially after looking up this episode to learn about just how controversial it was. Because of the horrors that this episode entails, I feel compelled to take a closer look at it, although without a complete visual aid, but from what I’ve realized from my past experience in riffing the Nostalgia Critic last year, I can still judge things solely based on the words that the work pours out.

Even though I haven’t sat through this episode in full, I am being joined by someone who has, so if I don’t find myself comprehending anything about what’s  going on in this episode, Jjs and Claps are already going to help me out.

[Theme plays. Episode opens with family eating breakfast.]

Stewie: Good morning...is what normal families would say.

Clappy: But it seems today, that all you see…

Steel: First quote of the episode, and…honestly, what can I really say about it? Stewie’s spitting facts.

Peter: [in fishing gear] Lois, I'll take my breakfast to go. I'm going fishing with the fellas.

Lois: Peter, I thought we were going to have some family time this weekend. You're going fishing again?

Peter: Yes, Lois. I love fishing. Remember, fishing was my not-at-all-memorable job for two years?

Clappy: Are you sure? I distinctly remember that job in comparison to your Simpsons knockoff job you’ve had for the last sixteen seasons.

Lois: No.

Peter: You don't remember my fishing boat? You don't remember Santos and Pasqual?

Steel: At least Pepperidge Farm remembers.

Lois: Not even a little.

Peter: They were like male Consuela. It was a mistake making 'em Portuguese, though. People don't even know what a Portuguese is.

Clappy: Apologies to all Portuguese people, EVERYWHERE!

Steel: First legit joke of the episode and it led up to a casual racist comment from our proud family man. Bold start.

[Two geese are sitting in rocking chairs on a porch]

Peter: That's what I thought a Portuguese was! Me and my brain! And we're just getting started!

Clappy: Please stop while you’re ahead.

Steel: Then allow me to sing the song of you and your ilk, Peter:

[Quahog Harbor. Joe and Peter are in a fishing boat waiting for Quagmire]

Joe: Boy, it's not like Quagmire to be this late.

Steel: Quagmire is busy writing an apology letter to the Portuguese for that tasteless joke Peter just made.

Peter: Yeah. [to self] Jeez, I've never tried to make conversation with just Joe before. This is brutal.

Clappy: That last sentence sure is foreshadowing ain’t it.

Joe: [to self] Come on, Joe, you're losing him. Think of something. This was your shot. [aloud] Two thirds of the planet is water.

Peter: Yeah. [to self] Two thirds of the planet is water? This guy’s okay.

Clappy: He sure is easily impressed.

Steel: Why wouldn’t he, though? Joe is straight up giving him the facts.

Joe: All right, well, um, we should probably go find out what's keeping Quagmire.

Peter: Yeah, I guess you're right. And you know, Joe, uh, I was thinking. Maybe one night we get dinner, just the two of us.

Steel: Sure are a lot of stars out tonight.

Joe: [smiling] I would like that.

Clappy: It was only a matter of time until those two got together.

[Peter knocks on Quagmire’s door]

Peter: Hey, Quagmire? You in there? [enters with Joe. The two gasp, seeing Quagmire hanging] Holy crap!

Joe: Oh, my God! He must have autoerotically asphyxiated himself!

Clappy: Who else but Quagmire? Am I right, guys? I mean, it’s not like David Carradine recently died at the time they made this?

Peter: Yeah, while he was watching clown porn! [points to tv, showing a clown porno playing]

Steel: This episode has already escalated from two guys at a fishing spot having a boring (and potentially romantic) conversation to them finding Quagmire choking on a noose. You can’t pivot to a random joke and just expect us to find it funny.

Clown: Oh, yeah, baby. [shoots confetti over woman] Oh yeah, baby! You make me so horny! [bicycle horn blowing]

Clappy: Get it? The joke is that they’re clowns.

Steel: AND they’re horny.

Joe: Come on, help me get him down!

[Peter gets Quagmire down and Joe checks his pulse]

Joe: Peter, he's still alive! We got to get him to a hospital!

Peter: All right, but let's just watch the end of this clown porn first.

Clappy: Yeah, it’s not like your best friend is more or less barely alive, you selfish asshole.

Steel: [You chose the ‘Clown Porn Ending.’ Peter Griffin continued to watch clown porn. Glenn Quagmire died in his home from autoerotic asphyxiation without contact of medical personnel.]

[On tv, clowns are spraying women with water while carnival music plays]

Clappy: Get it? The joke is that they’re clowns.

Steel: I already suffered through Jingle Bell Cock, I really hope the rest of this episode isn’t already laden with dirty clown jokes.

[At hospital, Joe and Peter are shown in the waiting room looking sad. The rest of the Griffins arrive]

Lois: Oh, Peter, we came as soon as we heard! How is he?

Steel: The emergency scene transition transported them there.

Peter: He's in a coma, Lois.

Lois: My God, what the hell happened?

Peter: He hung himself during autoerotic asphyxiation. Just goes to show anything can be dangerous.

Clappy: Words to live by from the guy who has a higher kill count than Death himself.

Lois: Is his family here?

Peter: His sister Brenda is coming with her boyfriend, Jeff.

Lois: Oh, my God, not that guy. Is she still with him? Isn't he the one that beats her?

Steel: Well, it looks like we already know what this Jeff person is going to be like.

Peter: Yeah, but she's gotten a lot better.

Clappy: And if you think this early “joke” is too tasteless, we are just getting started. This will get even more insufferable towards victims of domestic abuse.

Steel: Peter may not have the heart to make jokes about Quagmire hanging himself, but he has the “decency” to make quips about the abuse his sister is going through.

[Car parks outside. Jeff and Brenda get out of it, Jeff holding a can of beer]

Jeff: All right, on the way back, I get to pick the radio station, because that was awful! [drinks beer and tosses can]

Steel: Ah yes, our first clever foreshadowing of how much of a scumbag this character is - littering.

Brenda: I know, yeah, it was, I'm sorry. Oh, God, I just... I hope Glenn's okay. I'm so worried about him.

Jeff: Shut up and limp! We're in a handicapped spot, you slut! [points to sign]

Clappy: Yes, please feel sympathetic for poor Brenda getting abused says the animated sitcom where women get beaten every other episode. But don’t laugh this time. Because we are supposed to find this tough to watch. Oh it’s tough alright…but not the way the show intended.

Seth MacFarlane: Please laugh.

[Everyone is shown inside Quagmire’s room]

Steel: Wow, didn’t think the show would even manage to have the budget of getting the entire cast together cramped in one room.

Dr. Hartman: Well, Miss Quagmire, your brother Glenn is lucky to be alive. You know, we're all lucky to be alive on such a beautiful day. In fact, nurse-- all surgeries are outside today.

Clappy: Remember in the earlier seasons when Dr. Hartman was a competent doctor? And not some obvious poor man’s Dr. Nick? Yeah, I’m giving this show way too much credit for dumbing down every character with each passing season.

Steel: Boo, go back to The Fairly OddParents, Dr. Rip Studwell.

Brenda: You know, when we were kids, our mother used to sing a song when we were sad. Maybe that'll help now.

Steel: Would that song happen to be “Imagine” by Gal Gadot & friends?

Jeff: Come on, Brenda, a stupid nursery rhyme isn't going to wake him up, especially the way you sing. [laughing and playfully hits Peter] Right, man?

Clappy: Is there such a thing as intentionally too unlikeable? Because I’m already at this point after less than two scenes with this guy.

Steel: If Lois already knew he was trouble before we were even introduced to him, she should be calling the authorities on him right now, or at least just do…something, but then again, the episode would already be over.

Peter: Gyaaaa.

Steel: Get it? It’s funny because Jeff is hitting Peter.

Brenda: Glenn, don't die from autoerotic asphyxiation

Your friends want to go fishing with you...

Brian: This song is from childhood?

Clappy: Don’t you hate Quagmire? Or are we choosing to forget this forced rivalry for one serious episode?

Steel: What song were you expecting her to sing, Seth MacFarlane’s fursona?

Brenda: Live to see tomorrow, October 31, 2011.

Clappy: Guess that answers Brian’s question.

Quagmire: [wakes up] Where am I? What happened?

Brenda: [hugs him] Oh, Glenn! Oh, thank God you're alright! [Jeff pulls her away]

Jeff: Hey, you touching my girl?!

Clappy: Did I say less than two scenes? Let’s make that less than one and a half.

Steel: wow can you believe how douchey this douchey douchebag is? Don’t you just hate this douchebag already? Don’t you think we’re so clever in telling you all just how much a douche this intentionally-written douchebag is? Are you hating him now? Are you hating him now? ARE YOU HATING HIM NOW????

Peter: Relax, Jeff, that's her brother!

Jeff: That's how it starts! Come on, Brenda, we got to get out of here. I need cigarettes and jeans.

Seth MacFarlane: Please laugh.

Clappy: You know what, forget it. I’m just going to get this out of the way early because the episode is only going to get worse from here. The tone shifts in this episode are handled terribly. Besides painting Jeff out as over the top with his dickishness, the mixture of comedy and “serious” is just a real off-putting tone. Like take these last few seconds as a prime example. What sort of tone are you trying to convey? Quagmire is on life support, Brenda is upset, Jeff verbally berates her, Brian makes a joke about the song from her childhood that somehow predicts the future, everyone is happy, Jeff is a dick...that’s some mixed tone messaging right there. Is this funny? Is this dramatic? Family Guy is supposed to be a comedy. People don’t watch Family Guy for heartwarming morals. What message are you trying to convey? I mean we know…but let’s play this episode out some more to those who never watched it.

[At Quagmire’s house, Peter and Lois help him settle on the couch]

Quagmire: Oh, thanks, you guys, for all your help through this.

Peter: Aw shucks Quagmire, we’d be very thankful if you could watch some more clown porn with us, HEHEHEHEHEH!

Lois: Oh, Glenn, we're just so glad you're alright.

Brenda: And Jeff and I are happy to stay here with you for as long as you need.

Jeff: Fine, then you call my cousin Terry and tell him we're not going to be at his karate recital!

Clappy: This is probably the most character development we’ll get from Jeff this entire episode outside of being abusive. He has a cousin named Terry who does karate.

Brenda: Well, Jeff, he is my brother.

Jeff: Why do you always got to remind me I didn't finish high school?

Clappy: And he’s a high school dropout? Whoa slow down there, Family Guy. We don’t want to get to actually know why he’s abusive.

Steel: You see that, viewers? You may hate this Jeff character now, but you should realize what he’s been going through now that you know that he had to miss a karate recital AND he didn’t finish high school. [!]

Lois: Well, listen, how about I make us all some dinner, huh?

Jeff: Who needs dinner when I was born with glass bones and paper skin?

Jeff: Come here! [grabs Brenda and forces her into another room] You fat, ugly bitch! If today wasn't your birthday…

Clappy: It’s Brenda’s birthday? Why do I feel like this is the most important information we’ll learn about Brenda?

Brenda: Jeff! Please, you're being...

Jeff: What?! What am I being?! Crazy?! Unemployed?! Why don't you call the cops like you did on Christmas?!

Clappy: You know what they say about being assumptive…it means you’re more qualified to write about domestic abuse than the team who writes for Family Guy.

Steel: [This riffer is unavailable to form a valid response to the above quote.]

Brenda: I-I-I didn't call them! They were called!

Jeff: Oh, now you're calling me a liar in front of this cat?!

Quagmire: I got another cat.

Clappy: Are you uncomfortable yet everybody? It’s only going to get worse before it gets better.

Steel: Even the cat is uncomfortable with this “super serious and dramatic” Family Guy moment that’s transpiring.

[At Griffin household, Lois and Peter are in bed. Peter is watching tv]

Steel: Sure, ‘cause this is totally an appropriate time to transition to whatever the Griffins are doing after just witnessing domestic abuse.

Peter: Aww, that yellow lab looks like it's dying.

Lois: Peter, that's Gwyneth Paltrow, she's fine.

Clappy: Can’t have a Family Guy episode on serious topics without shoehorning in light hearted hy-ucks at the expense of Hollywood celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow…who a few years later was a huge part of the #MeToo movement against Harvey Weinstein. Yeah, really uncomfortable timing of this joke in hindsight.

Seth MacFarlane: Please laugh.

Look, turn off the light. I just want to get to sleep and put this ugly night behind us. All that unpleasantness with Brenda and Jeff was more than I can handle.

Steel: Then call the popo on them like any good friend would do…? Just a thought.

Peter: It's no big deal, Lois. We probably just caught 'em on an off night.

Clappy: Wow. Way to make this about you, Peter and Lois, and not about hoping the abuse victim is okay. Fuck right off.

Jeff: [loud enough for them to hear through the window] Where do you get off calling me a deadbeat in front of your brother?!

Brenda: No, Jeff, a-a-all I said was that you were in between jobs!

Jeff: Well, it wouldn't matter if you'd just pick up that night shift at the prison!

Clappy: And Brenda is a night shift security guard. Okay, that makes two things we know about her.

Steel: [This riffer is once again unavailable to give a valid response to the quotes above.]

[Quagmire is listening to the fighting from his bedroom, nervous]


Brenda: But then I'll be working a hundred hours a week.

Jeff: So what?! I need money for motor oil and wallet chains!

Clappy: Wait, why does he need motor oil?  It’s not like this guy has a license since he has to rely on Brenda for transportation.

Steel: Jeff already previously sponged off money on beer and attempted to do so for cigarettes and jeans, so he could’ve just said he need money for practically anything and it would still make as much sense.

Brenda: Okay, I'll ask about it Monday. Can I put my nightgown back on?

Jeff: No, I'm not done drawing!

Clappy: Fun fact. During the original airing of this, on October 30th, the rest of the Animation Domination lineup had Halloween specials. Yet this was the most horrific episode of that night.

Steel: We’re presumably five minutes into this episode and we haven’t been formally introduced to this Jeff character at all. What am I supposed to even make out of his character and backstory based on all the information that this episode is force-feeding us without any elaboration that he has a cousin who knows karate, never finished high school, got the cops called on him on Christmas day, and needs motor oil and wallet chains for some godly reason? I haven’t seen the episode so I could make the blind assumption that “I’m not done drawing!” could mean that he’s also an artist…? So far, the only proper thing that I could judge about Jeff’s character is that his only personality is that he’s a huge a-hole who abuses women.

[Quagmire walks up to the Griffin house and rings the doorbell; Peter walks up to the peephole in his door and sees a sad-looking distortion of Quagmire; he opens the door and Quagmire's face is distorted]

Clappy: Just in case you all forgot that Family Guy is supposed to be a silly comedy.

Quagmire: Hey, Peter.

Peter: Jeez Quagmire, you look terrible.

Peter: And I’m not just saying that because of how I thought you looked from my peephole, HEHEHEHEH!

Quagmire: I didn't get any sleep.

[Quagmire rearranges his face back to normal]

Clappy: Not like his original face is anymore ridiculous.

Lois: Hi, Glenn. How are you?

Lois: Wonderful weather we’re having.

Quagmire: Not great, Lois. I'm in the middle of some bad stuff with my sister.

Lois: Yes, there was quite a ruckus going on there last night. That Jeff seems like some kind of a monster.


Peter: Yeah, that guy's scary as an Iraq lobster.

[Peter is suddenly in the lounge. He is playing "Rock Lobster" by the B52s on a small guitar. A Lobster wearing a Turban and sporting a large beard is dancing along on the rug]

Steel: Oh look, our first cutaway gag of the episode.

Peter: Death to America! And Butter Sauce! Don't boil me! I'm still alive! Iraq Lobster! Iraq Lobster! Iraq Lobster!

Clappy: Way to read the fucking room Family Guy. Because we can’t have serious talks about Family Guy with your culturally insensitive stupid cutaways about the B-52’s or Conway Twitty or whatever the hell you want to do to get cheap lazy attempt at a laugh. Maybe…just maybe…you shouldn’t be tackling serious subject matters to begin with!? Just a thought.

Steel: I can already tell that it’s too soon for me to make a typical “Bring in the dancing lobsters” joke.

Quagmire: I've tried talking to Brenda about leaving him, but I haven't gotten anywhere. I was actually hoping you could talk to her, Lois. She might open up more to you, you know, 'cause you're a woman.

Lois: Me?

Steel: And not because she acknowledged the red flags before anyone else did? Sure, let’s go with that, I guess.

Clappy: Yeah, you can share your same experiences of having abusive husbands…or are we supposed to forget that Peter Griffin is just as bad as Jeff for this one episode because Family Guy is getting real serious about why domestic abuse is bad?

Quagmire: Yeah, would you mind at least trying?

Lois: Well, I guess she does need someone to talk to.

Peter: Well, let's hope she's good at talking 'cause we know she doesn't listen so good. That... we know.

Clappy: I really don’t want to sound like a broken record about how much this episode can suck a big fat one so here’s Homer Simpson telling Peter Griffin to fuck off for that insensitive dickheaded comment for me so I don’t have to repeat it ad nauseam.


Steel: oh my god peter could you just shut up for five minutes

[At Harbor Cafe, Lois is at a table with Brenda, who is wearing sunglasses]

Lois: You know, Brenda, I'm glad we could get together.

Brenda: Me, too, Lois. It's nice to have a girlfriend to chat with.

Clappy: You think she’s your friend? Honey…

Lois: Don't you have any back home?

Brenda: Oh, no. Jeff would never allow that.

Lois: You know, that's kind of what I want to talk to you about, Brenda. Do you mind taking off your sunglasses?

[She takes them off, revealing a black eye]

Lois: Oh, my God.

Brenda: No, i-it's really not that bad. It only hurts when I see.

Clappy: As tasteless as anything else this episode.

Steel: It hurts just as much to read this terrible writing. That’s how I got my black eye, but proceed.

Lois: You know, you don't have to stay with a man who treats you that way.

Brenda: Oh, Jeff's sweet. You don't see how soft and gentle he hits me when we're alone.

Clappy: Literally, who…laughs…at lines…like this!?

Steel: I don’t know who the FG creative team think they’re fooling by gaslighting the gaslighter’s “gaslighting,” but they sure aren’t fooling me.

Lois: Do you hear yourself? He shouldn't be hitting you at all! I don't think you understand how serious a matter… [sees waiter approaching] Close your menu.

Brenda: What?

Lois: Close your menu, so they know we're ready to order.

Clappy: Brenda needs better friends.

Steel: She won’t close the menu until she figures out why they put the 4Kids logo on the ‘for kids’ section of it.

Waiter: I'll give you another moment.

Lois: Damn it.

Brenda: I'm sorry. Oh, shoot. See, this is why Jeff corrects me all the time.

Lois: Corrects you? Brenda, he's not correcting you, he's beating you!

Clappy: No shit Sherlock. Thank you for pointing out the obvious.

Brenda: Well, I-I-I can see why you'd think that 'cause of the punches and all, but it's just that Jeff's been so angry about immigrants.

Clappy: How Trumpish of him.

Steel: Last time I checked, none of his domestic violence dialogue involved immigrants, but hey, the staff aren’t sure what to do with Jeff’s character outside of him being an obvious Hate Sink, so I believe you regardless.

Lois: What?!

Brenda: It'll be better when he gets back to work. Our relationship is just complicated, that's all.

Lois: No, Brenda, it's not complicated. Trying to get a straight answer out of a 23-year-old girl is complicated.

[Cutaway to a bar: a man is shown talking to a 23 year old girl]

Clappy: This makes me two for two in terms of episodes that don’t really have that many cutaways as once again Family Guy is trying to hammer in its garbage moral. Except this time, it’s not the moral that is garbage. It’s the execution. Lucky me.

Man: So, do you want to go out some time?

Girl: Out like, go out or hang out or just do something?

Man: Like a date.

Girl: Like a date date? Or like a date?

Man: Both, I... I guess.

Girl: Yeah, sure, maybe. I don't know. Yes, no. Here's the first three digits of my phone number. E-mail me.

Clappy: Did whoever write this ever interact with actual human beings or what?

Steel: Was this entire episode even written by a human? Outside of Jeff’s abusive albeit context-less dialogue, there was already plenty of template-y, basic conversational dialogue that I had to skim over.

[At the Drunken Clam]

Quagmire: Joe, the guy's a menace. They've been with me for three days now and all he does is beat her day and night. And on top of that, they say they don't need to be entertained, but then they're always like, "So what are we doing? What's next?"

Clappy: What a sympathetic guy Quagmire is.

Peter: Hey Joe, can't you just arrest the guy?

Steel: This would be the part where I mock Peter for being an unfunny douche, but FINALLY someone actually makes this point in this episode and it had to be him.

Joe: I can't arrest Jeff unless Brenda files a formal complaint with the police.

Clappy: Hey Joe…you’ve been an eye witness to some of these beatings? Isn’t that all the proof you need?

Steel: Bruh…you have an alibi, you were literally at that house warming with an eyewitness account of the domestic abuse, and Quagmire just told you his story to further warrant Jeff as a criminal. You can’t just B.S. your way out of arresting him like that. I know real police aren’t well-versed when it comes to intervening with domestic violence cases, but come on…

Quagmire: She won't go to the police. She's afraid of what Jeff'll do. And to be honest, I don't blame her. I mean, what happens if one of these days, he hits her so hard, he kills her?

Joe: Sorry, Quagmire. Police policy, we can't step in until it's too late. But if I were you, I'd set up an intervention.

Clappy: I get the moral ambiguity Joe must be going through but at the same time, how many beatings does he have to witness until he intervenes?

Steel: If Jeff does kill Brenda though, you should at least have no excuse not to arrest him for murder.

Peter: What's that?

Clappy: You can’t be this dumb.

Joe: It's like a surprise birthday party but instead of cake and presents, there's angry letters and someone who inappropriately tries to make it about themselves.

Peter: Oh that sounds great! I bet I would really shine at one of those.

Clappy: Spoiler. He’s not.

[Intervention for Brenda is held at Griffin household]

Clappy: You know what? This intervention is not even worth riffing. It is absolutely repulsive and single handedly one of the worst moments in the history of a show you can write a novel on. So I’m just going to sit there and let the transcript play itself out. Those of you who don’t know what’s about to happen, I’m sorry for what you are about to witness.

Steel: Alright, if this the lion’s den that I’m going to be walking through, then I can just hope that I survive this.

Lois: All right, well, first we want to thank you all for being here for Brenda. Now, I know it's going to be a long day, but we're all here because we care about her very much.

Brenda: [walks in] What the... what's going on? What's all this?

Joe: Brenda, this is an intervention. A lot of us don't like how Jeff's been treating you. So we're going to say a few things, and then you'll say a few things, and then we'll be done. Sound good?

Brenda: Um... I guess.

Peter: But before we make this discussion about you, let’s make this about us, HEHEHEHEH!

Joe: All right, so we're going to go around the room and tell you exactly how your situation has affected each of us. Meg?

Steel: Okay, so since this part of the episode is being dead serious, I am also better off abstaining from riffing the scene until I get to the bits that I feel are worth riffing.

Meg: I feel like if he likes you, maybe you can change him.

Joe: Okay, maybe she wasn't the one to start with. Caleb? Caleb, you want to go ahead?

Chris: [confused] M... M... me?

Joe: Yeah, go ahead.

Chris: Uh... It's Chris. Y-You don't know my name?

Steel: Get it? It’s funny because Joe mistook Chris for ‘Caleb.’ Hey wait a minute, isn’t this supposed to be an important scene? How is this episode still hurling bad jokes?

Joe: All right, this isn't off to a flying start. Peter, why don't you go ahead?

Peter: So, you like getting beaten, huh? Well, why don't you smoke a whole carton of cigarettes!


Brenda: Look, I know what you guys are trying to do, but Jeff and I are fine.

Quagmire: No, Brenda, you're not fine, okay? Please, I-I'd like to say something, if I may. [clearing throat and reads paper] Brenda, the fact that you are being abused has affected my life in the following ways. The sister that I knew and loved growing up no longer exists. The person I see before me right now is just a punching bag. And I call you "person" and not "woman," because a woman is a strong, beautiful vibrant creature. A woman embraces life. A woman makes choices to make her life better. Sadly, the fact that you are with Jeff proves to me that you have made a choice to make your life worse. [Quagmire starts crying] I... I want the girl who I grew up with back. I want... I... I want my sister back. Brenda, I love you. Please make the right decision.

Peter: Which is a perfect time for me to tell my jokes.

Steel: How to ruin a serious, riveting, and emotional speech in less than five seconds - follow it up with that exact line.

Lois: Peter!

Peter: And I will save them for the end.

[Quagmire and Brenda hug, with her crying as well]

Brenda: Glenn, I am so lucky to have such a wonderful, loving brother like you.

[Bonnie is proud of Joe for his intervention seemingly working]

Clappy: This show can royally fuck off. Shouldn’t you be setting up an intervention for the abuser? That question aside, what the fuck!? Quagmire of all characters is a registered sex offender who treats women as nothing more than useless sex objects. And now he has the moral high ground to talk down to his sister for being less of a woman for staying with her abuser!? Let me repeat, a registered sex offender thinks his sister is less of a woman, despite the fact that he doesn’t value women as nothing else more than an object for sex. This is why Family Guy should not be tackling serious subject matters. Because they are terribly hypocritical about it. It’s like going to Fox News for liberal propaganda; what the fuck are you actually thinking trying to find that there? I seriously hope Family Guy doesn’t think this lowly of people in an abusive relationship because that’s just straight up cruel.

Steel: Jokes aside for Quagmire’s “Oscar-winning” speech, it’s anything but a heartfelt one. From the fact that he’s reading it from a piece of paper as if it’s making the unintentional joke that the speech was basically scripted and not from the bottom of his heart to the speech itself being filled with backhanded sweet nothings, to Peter straight up ruining the moment by acknowledging how insincere that entire spiel was by saying “WHICH IS A PERFECT TIME FOR ME TO TELL MY JOKES,” as if we’re all just here for the jokes and not for some character that we’ve known all this time of being this filthy womanizer to tell us that he suddenly cares about women and knows what it means to be a woman. Who exactly does the creative team for this series think they’re convincing with their phony message? You know how much of a bad job Family Guy did to try and get its “domestic abuse bad” moral on the radar of its target audience once you find any clip of this intervention on YouTube and see most of the top comments are talking about how super hilarious it was for Joe to get Chris’s name wrong. Now that I managed to survive all of that, and with all of that said…proceed. It’s only going to keep worsening anyway.

Quagmire: So, are you gonna leave him?

[Jeff walks in]

Jeff: Oh, there you are! Hey, give me some money! I saw a cool bandana. What the hell's going on here?!

Quagmire: Listen here, you bully!

Clappy: Io8R0tYE0umHKbPPDRQHEsqodnmYf5dVh5bvag6r

Steel: Our “hero” is stepping in for his sister’s battles after doing eff all about Jeff up until this point. Someone give him a medal.

For your information, Brenda just agreed to leave you!

Jeff: Like hell she did. Brenda, you tell 'em?

Brenda: No, not yet. Everyone... I have wonderful news. Jeff and I are getting married!

[all gasp]

Brenda: [her ring finger is injured] I'd show you the ring, but it's under the splint. My finger fell down the stairs.

Clappy: Really taking the moral high ground with all these abuse jokes Family Guy.

Bonnie: You're getting married?!

Jeff: Yeah, but only 'cause she's pregnant.

Quagmire: Pregnant?!

Steel: They’re really throwing darts at all the soap opera-esque dramatic reveal prompts they want to give. You know what, why don’t I throw in some ideas too? Like, you could also reveal that *throws dart* the baby has a serious birth defect, that could lead to either Jeff or Brenda contemplating an abortion, meanwhile Brenda also comes down with a serious case of *throws dart* gout that although could be treated may be fatal, and to make matters even worse, Jeff is diagnosed with um…*throws dart* ovarian cancer. Okay, so that last one doesn’t sound right, but hey, nothing was ever right about this episode to begin with.

Peter: Oh, congratulations! Have you thought of any names yet? Maybe... maybe “Slappy”? Or-or “Bruisey”? Or “Keep-It-Down- In-There-sy”?

Clappy: Maybe you should have kept that joke “down in there-sy”...*points to trash can* where it belongs.

Steel: If there’s clearly someone who deserves a “Bruisey,” it’s you, Peter, HEHEHEHEH!

[Quagmire, Peter and Joe are in the basement playing cards]

Quagmire: Guys, what the hell am I gonna do? She can't marry that bastard! He's just gonna keep beating her and he's gonna beat the kid, too!! God, I wish she'd never met Jeffrey Fecalman.

Clappy: Anybody can tell you that Family Guy will spend the next few lines making fun of his last name having the word “fecal” in it.

Peter: You know, I was thinking... Wait, what?

Quagmire: What?

Peter: That's his name?

Quagmire: Yeah.

Peter: Hilarious,

Clappy: The same people who find that joke funny are the same ones who find domestic abuse jokes funny. Pretty small demographic but the fact that demographic even exists to begin with is concerning.

Steel: Of course it’s not a Family Guy episode without making a dumb joke and having to explain that dumb joke in the most awkward way possible.

but you know what, I was thinking this afternoon, what the hell happened to the days where a guy does something like that to a girl, and a bunch of us guys get together and just go kick his fucking ass.

Steel: You’re the one to talk when you made constant domestic abuse jokes over the course of the episode.

Joe: Boy, that'd be satisfying.

Quagmire: Well… why not?

Peter: What do you mean?

Quagmire: The three of us, we go over there and do what's right! We kill the bastard!

Clappy: Family Guy: A Lifetime Original Movie.

Steel: So you see, Family Guy fam, if a loved one is in an abusive and violent relationship, don’t take them to justice. Just commit the equally indefensible crime of murder to fix all your life’s problems!

Joe: Woah, woah, Quagmire, you know I could have you arrested for saying that.

Clappy: Oh, so now you want to do your job off duty. Which btw, Quagmire’s house has proven to be full of video cameras. This has been established countless times. Why not just show one video of Jeff beating his wife to get this man behind bars!? Worst cop ever.

Steel: Amen, ACAB.

Peter: You know what else you can get arrested for? Soliciting a rooster.

[cutaway to a man and a rooster near a farm]

Man: I don't know what this "Cock-a-doodle-doo" thing is, but it sounds gay and scatological. [pulls out dollar] I'm in.

Rooster: You're about to have a neat day.

Clappy: Thanks Family Guy. I needed that.

Joe: Quagmire, you're talking about murdering a guy. It doesn't matter what he's done! It's still murder!

Steel: Then arrest Jeff you coward.

Quagmire: No, Joe, it does matter what he's done! These types of guys won't change! Y-You think they suddenly wake up and see the error of their ways and clean up their act?! No!! They just keep ruining other people's lives, and the world is better off without them!

Clappy: Are you fucking kidding me, people can change. I’m not standing up for Jeff Fecal Matter or any domestic abusers here, but it’s because Jeff is such a terribly established character that we don’t know if he knows what he is doing is wrong. There are seriously some cases where domestic abuse is a part of some serious psychological trauma from one’s past. Maybe that’s why they should have held the intervention for Jeff…it’s damn near impossible to think that the writers actually proofread this.

Joe: It's against the law, Quagmire, and that's the end of it! [Hears Brenda screaming in fear after Jeff beats her, the three look out the window]


Steel: Goody, more poorly-written drama.

Brenda: Um, yeah, sorry honey, I just wanted to see who was on Letterman.


Clappy: Colbert >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> both

Brenda: I'm so sorry!


Steel: Who legit talks like this, let alone over Jay freaking Leno?

Joe: Let's waste this dick.

Clappy: If that’s all it took for Joe to go to 0 to 100 with the other two, then lord knows I’m not going to ask him what his favorite food is.

[Jeff and Brenda are on the couch watching Leno]

Jay Leno: Boy, everything's different now than it used to be, isn't it? You know, this morning I had a bowl of Fruity Pebbles cereal. Yeah, yeah. When I was a kid, they were boulders! [audience laughs]

Steel: If the joke here is that Leno isn’t funny, then at least it’s working.

Jeff: [laughs obnoxiously]

Steel: Accurate representation of the FG staff that oversaw the script for this episode.

Kevin Eubanks: [laughs] Cereals do change!

Jay Leno: Oh, no, no. Here's something, here's something. Did you hear about this? Here's a bunch of words in a row: because the economy's so bad, they've decided they're gonna shut down all the prisons. Yeah, yeah. And-and they're gonna send all the inmates to Congress.

Jeff: I don't get that one! [slaps Brenda and she falls to the ground]

Clappy: Replace Jeff and Brenda with Peter and Lois and this would not be out of place on another ordinary episode of Family Guy. But like I’ve said countlessly, Family Guy now wants you all to take domestic abuse very seriously.

[The door opens, showing Quagmire, Joe and Peter]

Quagmire: Hi, there, Jeff.

Quagmire: I can’t help but notice that you beat up my sister again so hard that she fell, but instead of helping her, we just came here to say that we’re going on a hunting trip with you.

Jeff: Hey, what's going on, dudes? Brenda just fell. Get your lazy ass up and get my neighbors some beers!

Joe: Actually, we don't have time, Jeff. We were just about to go on our annual midnight hunting trip. We thought you might want to join us.

Jeff: Yeah, what the hell. Go shoot some animals, that sounds like fun!

Clappy: What could possibly go…they are going to shoot you. How stupid do you think he is?

Steel: But little did he know that they weren’t hunting wabbits. They were hunting Jeffs.

Peter: Hey, it beats sitting at home watching Meg pop her zits.

[Peter looks into Meg’s room, who is trying to pop a zit. It explodes, sending juice everywhere and her flying against the wall]

Clappy: Grossout is gross.

[Peter, Joe, Quagmire and Jeff are shown in the woods around a campfire]

Steel: If this is the part of the episode where they sing the Campfire Song Song, then I don’t want to give myself the mental image of how it would sound.

Peter: Okay, okay, who would you rather do? Dame Judi Dench with 30 minutes of kissing first or Eddie lzzard in drag, but he has a working vagina?

Clappy: Talk about humor that hasn’t aged well. Family Guy says what are trans rights!?

Steel: These must be “Would you rather…?” questions from Hell. Peter would definitely fit right in down there.

Quagmire: Would Eddie lzzard tell others about it?

Peter: Eddie lzzard is very discreet.

Quagmire: Then that's your answer.

Jeff: You know, Quagmire, I gotta say, I was pretty surprised you wanted me to come along. I thought you hated my guts.

Clappy: How stupid are you?

Quagmire: [chuckles] Oh, come on, Jeff, I don't hate your fucking guts.

Quagmire: I want to rip them open.

Peter: Well, then what the hell are we doing out here? I thought we were gonna kill…

Clappy: Classic Peter being “you can’t be this dumb” at the right time.

Steel: Be patient with him. He just has plot-specific short-term memory loss.

Joe: Ahhh! So, Jeff, do you like loud sentences?!

Jeff: I guess. I gotta take a whiz. [walks off]

Quagmire: [holding shotgun] All right, look, when he comes back, I'm just gonna do it, okay? I'm just gonna point my gun straight at his head before he even knows what's going on.

[shotgun racks from behind, Jeff points his at Quagmire]

Clappy: Okay, so he isn’t this dumb. You know, it would be nice if we got some sort of actual character development from Jeff other than the "douchebag abuser" so we can get more insight as to how his mind works, thus we can actually feel something other than “forced hatred” for him being a piece of shit. Not saying he needs to be relatable, but for the love of god give us some sort of insight as to why we don’t like the Lifetime villain.

Steel: If Quagmire’s so smart, he wouldn’t have had uttered his monologue during Jeff’s piss break for him to presumably hear.

Jeff: Kinda like this? You know, Quagmire, you are pathetic. You have to bring your friends out here with you to do your dirty work?

Quagmire: What... what do you mean, Jeff?

Jeff: You're gonna kill me, is that it?

Clappy: No, he was going to take you hunting for quails.

[slaps him, sending him to ground. Joe tries to reach for his shotgun, but Jeff points his gun to Quagmire’s head]

Jeff: Nuh-uh! Not unless you want your friend's brains all over the place!

Joe: Listen, Jeff, just put the gun down and we'll forget this whole thing, okay? [Jeff puts gun down] Oh. Well, that's never happened before. Kinda don't know what to do next.

Clappy: Should have arrested him when you had the chance.

Steel: Wouldn’t you also get arrested for threatening a police officer? Surely, he still has a chance if plot-specific stupidity doesn’t keep plaguing him.

Jeff: So now you'll forget the whole thing?

Joe: Yeah, I, uh, guess that is what I said.

Steel: Other than the fact that he is voiced by Patrick Warburton, how can you sound so unsure over what you JUST said?

Quagmire: No, no, we can't forget the whole thing!

Peter: Yeah, you know, he's right. We can't forget it.

Jeff: [grabs gun] Fine. Now here's the plan: I'm taking Quagmire for a little ride, and you guys are gonna stay out here and freeze to death!

Clappy: You know…this episode has made most of the main cast pretty unlikeable that I wouldn’t be against this ending.

Steel: I think I could write a better ending:

Joe: “I could uh, be arresting you right now, but uh, I guess we kinda sorta already agreed to forget this whole thing happened so uh…put down the gun and-” *gets shot*

Peter: “Holy crap! Well, if I’m going to freeze to death, I’ll have Joe’s corpse keep me warm, HEHEHEH-” *gets shot*

And then Jeff kills Quagmire and flees the scene of the crime, never to be seen again. No one will miss them. The end.

Now, get those hands where I can see 'em! [Joe and Peter put their hands up, but Peter’s aren’t up enough] All the way up!

Peter: Oh, my shirt's a little too short.

Jeff: That's okay. You can keep 'em the way you had 'em so it covers your stomach.

Peter: Thank you. You know, if this Jeff was around more, we wouldn't have tried to kill you.

Clappy: Once again, we barely know this Jeff….oh just forget it. The more I point out these loopholes, the quicker this ends.

Jeff: See you later, schmucks!

[Jeff knocks out both Joe and Peter. He points his gun to Quagmire, forcing him into the car. Quagmire drives the car deeper into the woods.]

Steel: I haven’t watched the episode beforehand, so I can’t help but wonder why Jeff wants to kill Quagmire in a very specific spot. He would already be leaving a trace by having drove there, so it’s not like he’s trying to cover his tracks.

Jeff: All right, this is far enough. [the two get out, Jeff aiming his gun to Quagmire] Well, Quagmire, sorry it had to end this way; a tragic hunting accident. I guess that little baby's gonna grow up without an uncle.

Quagmire: Actually, I have a brother. Gary Quagmire.

Jeff: Oh.

Quagmire: I think... I think you got a brother, too, don't you?

Clappy: This quirky for the sake of trying to be quirky in such a dark episode is really making me angrier the more I read this transcript.

Steel: What even is the point of this “joke,” other than adding extra filler time?

Jeff: All right, forget the uncle thing! Get ready to die, Quagmire.

Quagmire: You know, if you had any balls, you'd put that gun down and we could settle this like men.

Jeff: [laughs] That's awful big talk for a scrawny bastard like you.

Steel: I have to admit, Jeff has a point. NOW you’re thinking about settling this like an adult when you were all “No, we can’t forget the whole thing!” not too long ago?

Quagmire: Hey, I'm serious, man. Unless you're scared I can take you.

Jeff: [throws gun aside] Suit yourself, man. Just means you're gonna die slower.

[Jeff tackles him and the two fight. Jeff gets the upper hand and begins choking Quagmire. He seemingly dies. Jeff grabs a shovel from the car’s trunk and begins digging a hole. Suddenly, car lights turn on. Quagmire is driving the car.]

Jeff: What the hell?! I killed you!

[zoom in on Quagmire, who's really angry]

Quagmire: I choke myself every day, you bastard!

[Quagmire pushes the pedal and chases Jeff through the forest, backing him up into a tree and crushing him to death.]

Steel: That’s Top 10 Anime Fight Scenes material right there.

Clappy: This whole sequence is absolutely repulsive. Even the forced comedy of Quagmire choking himself every day is nasty. Also, if the show Dead to Me has proved anything, the police aren’t that stupid and they’ll trace the trail to Quagmire, putting him in jail. And Peter and Joe would be imprisoned for being accomplices. What was that earlier about avoiding prison? Then again, maybe I'm expecting too much from Quahog PD given their earlier ineffectiveness.

[The next morning, Brenda is in Quagmire’s house crying. Quagmire, Peter and Joe approach her, still beat up]

Steel: Aw man, just when I could’ve thought that Peter and Joe were also left to die out in the cold.

Brenda: Oh, oh, Glenn, there you are. Jeff didn't come home last night and he hasn't called.

Quagmire: Uh, well, actually, about that, Brenda, he must've left early this morning.

Peter: Yeah, we found this note he left you. [hands her note and she reads it]

Brenda: “Dear Brenda, I have decided to leave you. I realized that you are too good for me, and you and our unborn child would be better off without me in the picture. Love, Jeff. P.S. If the cops ask, tell them that Joe, Peter and Quagmire were with you last night. If you tell anyone otherwise, I will come back and not only hit you, but I will murder you. And no one will care because you're garbage. And your baby is going to be a child of garbage.”

Clappy: Fuck you Family Guy. Straight up fuck off.

Steel: Yep, I’m now finally mad. The episode was already getting on my nerves with its insensitive jokes on domestic abuse, but this is crossing it. Just end the episode with the three goobers being shot dead in the woods for all I care, because this is honest to goodness disgusting.

Quagmire: [quietly] It's a little rough, Peter.

Clappy: A little rough?!?! After all the insensitive shit you said straight to her face ten minutes ago!??

Peter: I didn't write it, Joe did.

Steel: Yeah, you know what? I’m going off. I’m releasing all of my uncommon f-bombs that I’ve been bottling up, because there’s no better way for me to respond to this than go against my own personal grain and swear my head off, even if I’m doing this over a bunch of non-existent, two-dimensionally drawn TV characters…


Joe: I wanted it to sound real. It's gotta sound like he wrote it. Plus, she kinda is garbage, Quagmire.

Clappy: SHE IS AN ABUSE VICTIM YOU FUCKING- I’m done. Goodnight everybody. See you in the final comments.

Steel: PLUS, I don’t think you should be admitting that you staged Jeff’s letter to cover up that he got murdered or say THAT when you’re right in front of Brenda, but…you do realize she’s right in front of you, right?

Brenda: “Well, I best be rolling on now.”

Quagmire: Come on, who says that?

Joe: It's an expression!

Peter: Yeah, if you're in a wheelchair!

Joe: Listen, you had your chance. I emailed it to both of you. [points to Quagmire] You wrote back: “Looks fine.” [points to Peter] And you just added that part about Grape Ape.

Brenda: “P.P.S. I really love Grape Ape. The end.” [sighs] Wow. I guess he's really gone. [sobbing]

Peter: I kind of want to kill somebody else now. Ooh, Mort!

Seth MacFarlane: Please laugh.

Clappy: Repulsive. This episode is reprehensible trash that even Lifetime would reject for being too on the nose. Sorry this installment of Riffing Theater was no fun for all of you, but sometimes you just come across vile pieces of shit like this episode that are just inhumane and it just sucks the fun out of the room. See you next time when we talk about a Family Guy episode that will at least know what it’s trying to be and less…well this.

Steel: Well, if you all could ignore my previous Nostalgia Critic-esque tirade that I just had, my feelings on this episode, based on the script that I suffered through, should tell you a whole lot about why I don’t watch Family Guy. My experience reading this up is, for the lack of any better word, uncomfortable, just…uncomfortable. Just about everything concerning the writing is executed horribly. The characters are unlikable, the jokes are insensitive and or just plain awful, it discusses the serious topic in such an insulting and oversimplified fashion, and any sense of morality that this episode could’ve had is purely non-existent, and most importantly, this episode lacks the sincerity to defend itself. But hey, this is Family Guy I’m talking about. If I were to expect any nuance or good sense of morality, then I’m expecting way too much of it and likewise, to expect Family Guy to actually discuss such a serious topic as domestic abuse and violence in an acceptable light is like expecting Neil deGrasse Tyson to perform a funny stand-up routine.

Look, I get it, Family Guy is a comedy show, and it’s supposed to tell jokes even if they’re offensive, but if you’re going to talk about a crucial subject, you shouldn’t have to force any of them in when you’re also trying to be taken seriously. This is why it’s so futile to use the “but it’s a comedy” excuse to defend this episode, as it commits the crime of belittling abuse victims with its insensitive jokes, having Quagmire, a character who has been pre-established as this giant creep with a chin that looks like he stuffed an entire t-bone steak in his mouth and never swallowed it, him of all characters, try to tell us that domestic abuse is bad, and writing up the most strawman representation of a domestic abuser imaginable, all to make me question the episode’s sincerity about speaking against the issue it covers.

What especially makes it hard for me to give any sort of appreciation towards this narrative is mostly dependent on Jeff. We don’t know who the J-eff this guy is and this is supposedly the only instance of him in the entire show. Yet the episode treats us like we’re supposed to know all these random, intricate details that he blurts out beforehand. If the creative team for FG were well-educated about abuse in relationships, they could’ve written him as a manipulative person who can mask up his abusive behavior in front of others and use certain words as weapons to prevent Brenda from breaking up with him and such, because that’s how most abusers are like. Make him an actual gaslighter. Writing a character who just verbally and physically abuses his girlfriend in public like he took too many steroids is not the way to get your point made.

I’ll end my commentary with some pieces of advice, even though I don’t expect the Family Guy creative team to take my words by heart at all when the damage is already done: If you intend to write a comedy, write a comedy. If you intend to write a drama, write a drama. If you’re going to do both, don’t write dramatic dialogue and jokes all at once. If you’re plastering a sensitive topic in a show with a cast of unlikeable characters, that doesn’t mean you should write them as unlikeable and expect the viewers to still laugh at their antics. If you are not well-educated about a certain, sensitive subject, either do research on it or don’t bother with it, and if you haven’t ever experienced an issue that any of the characters had gone through, nor do you know anyone in your own life who has, nor do you actually care about the sensitive topic you’re discussing, then you should never include it in your writing at all.


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Episode VI: Turban Cowboy


WhoBob: This is the perfect episode for me to comment on. I remember how much I hated this episode as a teen and I can already feel my thoughts on it haven’t changed a bit. You’ll see why me, someone who has been living in muslim culture, hated this episode.

JCM: I’m sure Family Guy will provide us with a nuanced look at the harmful effects of Islamophobia that forces us all to confront our inherent biases. Or they’ll just make a bunch of offensive muslims-are-terrorists jokes. They’ll definitely do one of those things.

Slug: I’m not sure that there’s a single show less equipped to tackle race, culture, and stereotypes than Family Guy. Even when the episode insists that they’re not being racist, the show’s constant need to be edgy means that they will inevitably tell bigoted jokes. I’m sure that Bill Maher will make a segment lamenting the tyranny of cancel culture due to this episode not getting any more reruns, but let’s be honest, after reading this riff, would anything of value be lost if we left this episode in a black hole?

[Theme plays. Episode opens at the Drunken Clam. Peter, Joe and Quagmire are watching tv.]

Announcer: We now return to Jeopardy Presents: “The Best of Contestant Banter.”

Alex Trebek: So, Ben, it says here you have a connection to milk.

Ben: Yes, funny story. I discovered recently that I have an allergy to milk.

Slug: Who needs milk when you have F1zBHApGb_otq0B6vqZog47f1gjoFS2FYRcHbY2L

Alex Trebek: [chuckles] So I guess we won't be eating any cheese around you. And Dennis, you once spent a night in a tent?

JCM: Was there supposed to be a joke here?

WhoBob: Usually whenever eps start with characters watching tv, there's always supposed to be some kind of joke, even if a terrible one. I don’t get the punchline here, is it supposed to be awkward as fuck? 

Slug: Is the joke here that Alex Trebek interacts with his guests? This is at the “What about that airline food” tier of observational comedy.

Quagmire: So, uh, what do you guys got planned for the weekend?

Joe: I don't know. I might sit out in the front yard with a rake and wave at cars.

Slug: Joe Biden arc.

Peter: Yeah, and I found a hole in my fence I was gonna maybe stick stuff through.

WhoBob: Peter can’t find satisfaction with his wife, so he turns to inanimate objects.

Quagmire: God, look at us. How'd we become so dull and pathetic?

JCM: Probably because you’ve been going on for 11 years when you ran out of good ideas after 5.

WhoBob: I ask this about myself everyday.

Slug: h2QjiQxQgWhqxz_q7KdDeOqCWN0OpV2jhDyOLEa8

Joe: You're right. I mean, we used to have hobbies. Remember when I was a horse whisperer?

[Cut to Joe trying to tame an angry horse]

Joe: Shh, shh, shh. [holds out apple, starting to calm horse] That's right. I bet you're hungry. [softly] It's okay. [Horse eats apple] That calmed you down, you fucking horse.

WhoBob: Horses love apples, what else is new?

Joe: Maybe it's time the three of us do something exciting to shake things up.

JCM: Gay threesome?

WhoBob: They tried that, except foursome with Cleveland. Didn’t work out the way they hoped.

Slug: We could shake things up by having a funny episode…

Quagmire: Hey, now that's a good idea, Joe!

Peter: All right, okay, I have two ideas. One that I think is awesome, and one that I think is stupid. See if you can guess which one is which. We could either A) Rob a Mafia poker game, or [flatly] B) Skydive.

JCM: It’s funny cause both of them are stupid!

WhoBob: I would rather see them rob mafias.

Slug: To be fair, Peter’s probably less likely to get into a violent situation with the mafia than he is if he is left alone.

Joe: Skydiving, huh? I'd be totally up for that!

Quagmire: Yeah, I've always wanted to try skydiving!

Slug: And I want to actually get up before 12:00pm. Sometimes we don’t get what we always want.

Peter: Really? Eh, could be fun, I guess. Besides, I haven't done anything new since I learned to use a palm frond.

[Cut to Peter fanning a ruler with a palm frond]

Peter: [whispers] So do I try to match your speed?

Servant: Yeah, just match my speed.

Peter: And do we stagger our waves or do 'em at the same time?

Servant: Um, they should've covered this in orientation.

Ruler: Guards, have the new guy executed!

Slug: What a monster, he tried to execute Peter but couldn’t even finish the job!

Peter: Am I the new guy?

JCM: Two lazy cutaway gags in one minute. I’m impressed!

WhoBob: If you were the new guy, the episode would be over already.

[Peter, Quagmire and Joe are seen in a plane with other skydivers]

Skydiving Instructor: All right, we're almost at our jumping altitude. Does anyone have any questions?

Peter: Yeah, I got one. Can I listen to my iPod on the way down?

JCM: This joke is brought to you by Gen X writers who discovered the iPod for the first time after most of their kids already started listening to music on their iPhones.

Skydiving Instructor: Of course. Just as long as it's not Tom Petty's “Free Fallin'.”

Peter: [wraps up iPod] I'll just keep it in my pocket.

WhoBob: Be sure not to lose it on your way down.

Skydiving Instructor: Any other questions?

Slug: When are we robbing the mafia?

Joe: Let's do this!

Skydiving Instructor: That wasn't a question. Back of the line. [Joe wheels to the back] Okay, let's do this!

Joe: Hey!

[Instructor opens door and jumps out]

WhoBob: How dare that guy steal Joe’s thunder!

Quagmire: Whoa, is that Harrison Ford?

Peter: Yeah, it says in the brochures that he assists with all the jumps.

Harrison Ford: Get off my plane! Get off my plane! Get off my plane! [throws skydivers out]

WhoBob: That’s the Harrison Ford I know and love.

Slug: Not sure how I feel about the direction of Indiana Jones 5.

Peter: [looks at floating piece of paper] Oh, look, he even brought Calista Flockhart with him.

Joe: Uh, Peter, I think that's just a piece of paper.

Peter: Good, 'cause she looked fat.

JCM: I don’t know a thing about Calista Flockhart, but apparently, she’s not a piece of paper and somebody hated her enough to make fun of her weight on a primetime show.

WhoBob: Peter trying to cope with fat shaming by making fat shaming jokes to women.

Slug: Don’t know who this woman is but I’ll send my condolences anyways.

Harrison Ford: Get off my plane! [throws Peter out] Get off my plane! [throws Quagmire out] Get off my plane! [throws Joe out]

Quagmire: All right!

Joe: Yeah! This is amazing!

Peter: I know, it's unbelievable! Hey, guys, let's try to re-create this feeling for the rest of our lives, with drugs.

WhoBob: Call him whenever you need it: klI-ppS9m54tl7z1c5YQdE9Mts9qdKecdHQV52Y2 

Slug: They haven’t been doing that already?

[They descend closer to the ground as Quagmire checks watch]

Quagmire: Oh, it looks like it's almost time for us to pull our chords.

Peter: Wait, wait, guys. How about this? Last one to open their chute gets 20 bucks.

JCM: You know you’re a gambling addict when

WhoBob: I hope all of you will die from fall. Then I can end this riff on a high note.

Slug: 20 dollars for the thousands of dollars you’ll lose when you likely crash… I see no downsides to this proposal.

Quagmire: Okay.

Joe: I'm in.

[They keep descending for a few seconds]

Quagmire: Damn it! [parachute opens]

Joe: I'm dead already, Peter. You're looking at a dead man. I might not even pull the cord at all.

WhoBob: Yeesh, I wish they’d cut down these jokes of Joe being depressed and sad cuz he is crippled.

Peter: [groans and whimpers, then opens parachute] Holy crap, this is awesome! I haven't felt a rush like this since I won that marathon!

[Cut to Peter driving his car through a crowd of runners at the Boston Marathon, killing multiple runners. Peter is then seen on a talk show.]

Bob Costas: I'm Bob Costas, here with Boston Marathon winner Peter Griffin. Peter, how did you do it?

Peter: Bob, I just got in my car and drove it. And when there was a guy in my way, I killed him.

JCM: Fun fact: it wasn’t all of the offensive Muslim jokes that got this episode pulled from major platforms and never aired again in reruns but this cutaway gag that people found even more distasteful than it already was due to the Boston Marathon bombings a month after this episode aired. Let this be a lesson to you all: make fun of religious minorities all you want, but piss off rich people in Boston and you’ll lose everything!

WhoBob: Even with this joke aging poorly due to Boston Marathon Bombings, it was still a very unfunny joke that was meant to be used as shock value and nothing more. Also, I’m sure Joe is doing fine and dandy.

Slug: There really isn’t any joke here that isn’t just “Haha isn’t that shocking” but when Family Guy has crossed this road 1000 times, it doesn’t even elicit that reaction anymore. At this point, it’d be more subversive to tone down the edginess to catch us off guard.

[Griffin house at night]

Lois: Kids, have you seen your father?

Slug: Gone, and hopefully forgotten.

[The phone rings]

Lois: Hello?

Peter: [on the phone] Is dinner almost ready?

Lois: Yes, Peter. God, where are you? I can barely hear you.

Peter: Pull back my chair ever so slightly.

[Lois complies and Peter crashes on Meg through the ceiling of the house]

Peter: Ahh, Daddy's home.

WhoBob: Meg should have Peter insurance for every time Peter hurts her.

JCM: Peter Insurance would have gone out of business by season ten.

Slug: The “Meg sucks” bit becomes less believable when she keeps surviving in a world that would see a Navy SEAL crushed.

[At Quahog Public Library]

Receptionist: All right, it's 4:59. In just a few seconds, all the unreturned library books will be officially late.

[Peter crashes through ceiling and returns his books]

Peter: The wieners was already drawn in the books when I got 'em.

Slug: dhErnHOfU8lZSVYMsvKS9BAZpkLsGpwc71Y_L_0-

[At house, a woman is reading newspaper]

Woman: “Libra: A strange man will drop into your life.” Hmm.

[A ninja appears and cuts her head off. He then reads her newspaper.]

Ninja: “Pisces: Be careful at work today.” [Peter lands on top of him]

WhoBob: You had one job!

JCM: And that’s it for today’s episode of Violence Against Women: The Animated Series!

Slug: I guess I appreciate them at least attempting a subversive punchline here.

[Peter is then seen landing in an Angry Birds game, knocking down the structures]

Peter: Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go… [sees one bird left rolling, but doesn’t die] Aw! He so shoulda died! This is bullcrap! Stop smiling. 90% of the people playing this are pooping.

WhoBob: Okay, this joke was sorta funny to me due to how dumb it was. The only joke that worked in this entire episode.

Slug: I also thought this was the best joke of the episode. It’s not hysterical or anything but it’s also not racist so it’s practically George Carlin in comparison.

[Peter walks into living room, still wearing his skydiving outfit and holding parachute]

Peter: Hey, Lois, when are you gonna do the laundry? I got, like, six parachutes in there.

Lois: Peter, those things are choking up the washing machine.

Peter: Oh, so now I got you a bad washing machine for Christmas. Little tip, Stewie: Love dies, and that's okay.

Slug: Is this a meta-commentary on how Seth feels about his own creations?

Stewie: [holds out notepad] I write down all his advice in a little notebook. Yesterday's was, “I've never seen a pigeon die from eating food on the ground, so what's the big whoop?”

WhoBob: Stewie is gonna have a bad future thanks to listening to his dumbass dad.

Lois: Peter, this skydiving thing has gotta stop. You've destroyed half the neighborhood. And I'm afraid you're gonna really hurt yourself.

Slug: I’m not a scientist, but I don’t think realistic physics have ever been present in this show. He’ll live.

Peter: I'm sorry, Lois. But skydiving is who I am now. It's like they say, fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, and gay guys gotta criticize the host of the party behind his back.

JCM: Whoever says that earned himself a knuckle sandwich.

[Cut to two gay guys at a party]

Guy #1: Oh, my God, look, a bowl of M&M’s. What are we, six?

Slug: Don’t insult your target demographic like that!

Guy #2: I know. And remind me to get the recipe for those chopped-up hot dogs. [both laugh, then party host approaches]

Guy #1: Oh, my God, Josh, this party is so amazing!

Guy #2: Everything is perfect! We're having so much fun!

Slug: Armond White’s review of this episode.

Josh: Oh, thanks! I'm so glad you guys could make it!

Guy #1: Come on. He saw us. Let's go.

WhoBob: Not all of us are that critical. 😭

[Peter is seen in a skydiving plane next to a nervous couple]

Peter: First time?

Man: [nervously] Yeah. You?

Peter: [laughs] No. No, not my first time. Thanks for the lift, Gil. I think I'll take the express down. [Gil gives thumbs up and Peter jumps out]

[“Flower Duet” by Leo Delibes plays while Peter skydives]

JCM: A show this bad doesn’t deserve to use a song this awesome.

Peter: [inhales deeply then exhales] Ah, just as gorgeous as ever. Actually puts me in the mind to write a spoken word poem. Am I falling or am I flying? Am I living or am I dying? O, Great Spirit, free me from the bonds of gravity and criticism. Deliver me from my greatest enemy. His name is Peter. More specifically, Peter's Shyness in Public. O, Great Spirit, why do I hold myself back in such situa...? Oh, fuck! The cocksucking ground!

WhoBob: The iconic poem will never be finished.

JCM: It started out as a weird Grace Potter cover then somehow became the Lord’s Prayer. I’m still not sure what I read.

Slug: Peter was just on a brink of finding his life purpose before having it be shattered by the cruelties of the real world. Joke or profound metaphor?

[He tries to release parachute, but it’s too late as his ass is impaled through a pole on top of a building]

WhoBob: Peter is once again experiencing how to be a bottom.

Peter: Damn it! The Eiffel Tower? Oh, cool, I'm in Paris!

Man: Hey, look at that douchebag who got stabbed in the butt! [throws can]

Peter: Aw, crap, I'm in Vegas.

WhoBob: Never been to Vegas, are people there that assy?

JCM: I’ve never been to Vegas either, but yes.

Slug: Ah, Vegas, the most godless place in America.

[Peter is seen recovering in hospital]

Lois: Well, Peter, I'm glad you're all right, but I hope this is the end of your skydiving career.

Peter: Yeah, I'm sorry, Lois. You know, when I thought I was gonna die, I saw my whole life flash before my eyes, and we did way too much Star Wars crap.

WhoBob: You didn’t even do prequels, smh.

Mickey Mouse: You know what the solution to that is? Even more Star Wars crap!

Slug: Rise of Skywalker was still yet to be released, he had no idea how much worse it could get.

Lois: I should get the kids home. It's way past dinner.

Stewie: What she really means is that it's shaky Mommy's white wine time.

Lois: Let's go, kids! Come on! We really gotta go, kids. Let's go! Come on!

WhoBob: Such a caring wife. White wine is more important than your husband’s health.

JCM: When your husband is Peter Griffin, I don’t blame her.

WhoBob: Ok, you got me there. I would pick white wine too.

[Curtain nexts to Peter opens, showing his patient roommate]

Mahmoud: Excuse me. Now that your family is gone, would you mind if we turn on the TV?

Peter: Oh, hey. I didn't know anyone was here. I, uh, I was just kidding when I told my family I loved 'em.

WhoBob: Cool joke, cool joke, Peter hates his family. What else do you get for me, Family Guy?

Slug: Nicest East Coaster.

Mahmoud: I am Mahmoud.

Peter: I'm Peter. You know, I never seen a hat like that before, so I'm very scared of it.

JCM: Just in case anybody reading this forgot Peter’s white, here’s a reminder.

Slug: To be fair, there are many reasons to be scared of this episode, although the hat isn’t one of them.

Mahmoud: No, this is just a taqiyah. It's a traditional Muslim prayer cap.

Peter: Oh. Hey, you know who'd look funny wearing one of those? The Monopoly guy!

Slug: Word is that the Monopoly guy has been the show’s executive producer since approximately the sixth season.

Mahmoud: [laughs] Correct! Go directly to jail and convert to Islam!

WhoBob: hahahaha funny muslim joke. We are gonna be here all day.

Peter: Hahaha, because they do that!

Mahmoud: Yes, that is what I intended.

Peter: Hey, you're all right, Mahmoud.

Mahmoud: You, too, Peter.

WhoBob: Once again, another case of the first act in the episode being nonsensical stuff and the story quickly changing into the actual plot. And things will get worse from here.

JCM: Oh yeah, this episode was about skydiving, wasn’t it?

Peter: So, what do you wanna watch?

Mahmoud: Well, if you turn on Channel 14, we can probably catch the end of Muslim Looney Tunes.

Slug: Apparently there’s enough of an audience for Muslim Looney Tunes that they’re airing it on an American channel.

[Muslim Looney Tunes intro is shown on tv as upbeat Middle Eastern music plays]

Porky: [stutters] As a pig, I am very dirty and should not be touched by humans.

WhoBob: We should take a shot every time the episode makes a muslim joke. At least I'm happy to hear muslims are friends with Porky cuz they won’t eat him.

JCM: The joke here is…Muslims don’t eat pork? This feels lazy even for Family Guy.

Slug: Pretty sure they stopped at the intro because doing a good Looney Tunes parody would require some semblance of smooth and expressive animation, something that is completely off limits for Family Guy.

[Peter, Joe, Quagmire and Brian are at the Drunken Clam]

Joe: So, how was the hospital, Peter?

WhoBob: See? I told you he was okay.

JCM: The show definitely could have indicated that Joe wasn’t impaled during skydiving before this, but that’s probably more effort than we should expect from it at this point.

Peter: Oh, my God, that place was incredible. They have this one jar, whole thing was full of cotton balls. It's amazing how far medical technology has come.

Slug: Yep, Peter was definitely infected by the 5G rays.

Quagmire: Well, sure is good to have you back. Joe is, uh… [clears throat] chattier than you'd think he'd be when you're not here.

Joe: Look, I'm just saying if pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? Think about it.

WhoBob: It’s “regress” Joe, damn, you are so stupid.

Peter: You know, I actually had a pretty good time in the hospital. I even made a new friend.

Brian: You did?

Peter: Yeah, his name's Mahmoud. In fact, I told him to swing by if he had time.

Joe: It's congress.

WhoBob: Too late to deliver the joke.

JCM: It was a good joke before they stretched it out in the way they do.

Slug: I get that the joke is that Joe is awkwardly delivering his joke despite no one else wanting to hear it, but the punchline is delayed to the point where you almost forget what the set-up was supposed to be.

Mahmoud: Hello, Peter!

Peter: Oh, hey! You made it! Hey, guys, this is Mahmoud. Mahmoud, this is Brian, Quagmire and Joe.

Brian: Hello.

Quagmire: Hi, there.

Joe: Hey, there.

Mahmoud: Hello. How are you?

Brian: Have a seat. Any friend of Peter's is a friend of ours.

Slug: I’m shocked they still see each other as friends at this point.

Quagmire: Hey, Mahmoud, you know, I'm actually glad you're here. Settle an argument we were having earlier. Which Spanish chick has better jugs: Salma Hayek or the other one?

JCM: I’m pretty sure that even in 2013, there were more than two Latina celebrities, but go on.

Mahmoud: Oh, but I do not pay attention to such things. I am married.

WhoBob: Mahmoud is a true feminist guy. He doesn’t see women as objects like these guys do.

Quagmire: What?

Joe: Okay, well, how about this, Mahmoud? You know progress has the word pro in it, right?

WhoBob: Joe must be a writer of Family Guy.

Quagmire: Shut up, Joe!

WhoBob: What a great friend! Stay tuned to my new riff for context.

Peter: Hey, you guys, come on. Let's get the man a drink. What are you having?

Mahmoud: How about a ginger ale? But if you'll excuse me, right now I have to go bring great shame to myself by using the restroom. [heads to restroom]

WhoBob: Is this supposed to be a “muslims regret masturbation” joke or is he ashamed of pooping? What is this crap?

JCM: It’s the result of a bunch of people who know nothing about Islam trying to “parody” Islamic customs that, again, they know nothing about.

Slug: This episode loves to remind you that it is totally open-minded and not racist, but pretty much every joke with Mahmoud is gonna be some variation of “Ha ha, aren’t Muslims weird?” which won’t help their case.

Peter: Isn't he great?

Quagmire: No, he's weird. Why'd he order a ginger ale? And who the hell doesn't look at jugs?

JCM: Ever heard of an ass person?

WhoBob: Hello, human resources?

Joe: Yeah, and he's got his cell phone clipped to his belt like he's some kind of big shot on vacation.

Slug: That’s possibly the most weirdly specific observation I’ve heard yet.

Brian: Oh, I see what's going on. You guys are uncomfortable with Mahmoud because he's Muslim.

Joe: What? What are you talking about?

Brian: This is your post-9/11 racism talking. I, for one, think it's great that Peter has enough of an open mind to have a Muslim friend.

WhoBob: That’s funny this episode is commenting on racism towards muslims and brown people. It almost seems like it’s gonna give us a message that Mahmoud is just a fine human being. Right?

Slug: I get that this was inserted to show that the Family Guy writers aren’t racist, but when the story will later show the open-minded people being wrong about Mahmoud, while the racist people ended up being right about him, I think the effect will be the opposite of what they intended!

Quagmire: You know, a lot of dogs just sit outside, tied to poles.

WhoBob: Ahh yes, Quagmire hates Brian jokes.

Peter: Look, Mahmoud's my friend, okay? So he's Muslim. Every culture has its quirks. Italian guys talk with their hands a lot, Irish guys drink a lot, black guys change their shirts while they tell you a story.

WhoBob: What a way to ignore your whole message with the racist jokes?

JCM: Changing your shirt while telling a story requires the utmost precision and coordination and I will not have that tradition mocked for cheap laughs! I will not!

Slug: Peter isn’t racist, he hates the Irish too!

[Peter is seen at dinner with a black man]

Peter: So, how's Bernadette?

Man: She's all right. She's taking interior design classes down at the community college. [takes off shirt] I mean, she's good at haircutting and everything. [puts on deodorant] They gave her the chair right by the door. But I guess now she wants to hang plates on the wall or whatever. And you know she gained the weight back from the Lap-Band, right? [puts shirt back on]

Peter: That Bernadette and her pie.

Man: You know it, brother. Okay, I'm gonna go eat this steak in the bathroom. Thanks for getting dinner, man.

WhoBob: A nonsensical racist joke that isn’t even a typical stereotype, it’s just racist for coming up with a stereotype.

JCM: I love how they got Cleveland’s white voice actor to play the black guy in this cutaway because apparently actual black men are so hard to find.

Slug: Leaked image of the Family Guy writing staff when making this joke.


[At the Chaste Camel, Peter and Mahmoud are at a table. House music thumping, blaring]

Peter: Wow, this place is really cool, Mahmoud. It's like ear-bloodening sounds had sex with nose-bloodening smells and this is their baby.

Slug: Well, that’s one way to describe a porno.

Mahmoud: I am glad you are enjoying yourself. Would you like some of my meat fooshnoosh? It's a chicken that has been yelled at for two hours and then run over by a Mercedes.

WhoBob: Uhhhhhhhhhh, I feel so uncomfortable with these jokes.

Slug: I think this is racist but it’s almost too incoherent to decipher.

Peter: Mmm! Mmm! Oh! You can really taste the fear in the chicken.

Mahmoud: You know, Peter, a lot of people are not as accepting of Muslim culture as you are.

Slug: To describe anything in this episode as “Muslim culture” is definitely pushing it.

Peter: Well, I think everything about it is the best. Like this hookah. I mean, who doesn't want to sit around a table with a bunch of guys and suck on the same thing?

WhoBob: So I guess that gay serum Peter had didn’t wear off.

[sucks and blows smoke] Mmm, it's like smoking my grandfather's jacket.

JCM: Like most people in America, all these writers know about Arabs is hookahs and mosques, basically.

Man, I wish I could stay here all night, Mahmoud. But I'm supposed to pick up the dry cleaning before it closes. I killed a mouse with my tie.

Mahmoud: Nonsense. I'll have my wife pick it up for you.

Peter: What? She'd do that?

Mahmoud: Oh, absolutely. [Mahmoud’s wife appears and he hands her dry cleaning order] I need you to run an errand for my friend Peter.

Mahmoud’s Wife: Of course. Anything for you, husband.

Peter: That was amazing. She just listened to everything you said.

Mahmoud: Of course she listened. In Muslim culture, wives are much more obedient.

WhoBob: I spoke too soon on feminism. Yeesh. I can tell how this episode is written by a white person who never had any experience with muslim culture. As someone who actually is in that culture, there's some truth to that even though I live in the most progressive muslim country but this episode is only focusing on the worst aspects of muslim culture. You can tell that it's only making all of muslim culture look bad. Give me a break.

Slug: There are some very valid points to be made about misogyny in many majority-Muslim countries, it’s also true that Family Guy is the last show that should be giving us this lecture.

Peter: No way! That's awesome! So wait, let me get this straight: Sweet hat, obedient wife, and I get to shout Admiral Akbar when I do stuff? You, sir, have got yourself a Muslim.

JCM: It’s a trap!

WhoBob: Of course Peter would only become a muslim because he wants his wife to obey him. American Dad did the same joke before and it was done much better because you can see Francine’s distaste with Stan loving the idea of an obedient wife, even though that ep is also made by white people, so it isn’t a high bar.

[The next day at the Griffin household, Peter walks through the living room in muslim attire]

Lois: Peter, where are you going? And why are you dressed like that?

Peter: Well, Lois, I happen to be a Muslim now, which means I'll be spending a lot of my time in mostly-empty cafes, watching soccer on an eight-inch black-and-white TV.

Peter: [in mostly empty cafe] Yes! The team I like is kicking it! Oh no! The team I don't like is kicking it! Yes! The team I like is kicking it again! I will celebrate with finger cymbals. [chiming, then employee approaches him] Hey, is that for real, that-that “Diarrhea Only” sign on your bathroom?

WhoBob: I swear this is not all we do. 😭

JCM: Peter calls himself a Muslim but still calls futbol soccer. He needs to choose a lane.

Slug: Doing this all-day would still be more fulfilling than most of what Peter gets up to these days.

[Peter is at Mahmoud’s house]

Mahmoud: Peter, this is my friend Omar. He can teach you many things about our faith, including how to ululate.

Peter: What's that?

Omar: It's this: [rapidly trilling vocalization]

Peter: Oh, my God! That's terrifying. I don't know if I'm ready for that.

Slug: When was the last time Peter was ready for anything?

Omar: No, Peter, it's okay. Just sing the beginning of “La Bamba”, but don't say the “La Bamba” part.

JCM: Then what’s the point?

Peter: Oh, okay. [rapidly trilling vocalization]

Omar: Yes, good job! You're doing it!

Peter: Bamba.

Slug: I have little to add other than this entire bit being a dumb waste of time.

Omar: Ooh, so close.

WhoBob: I’m absolutely terrified by this episode’s depiction of muslims.

[Lois is cleaning plates in kitchen]

Peter: All right, Lois, I'm off to the bazaar.

Lois: What do you mean? You mean the market?

Peter: Yeah, the bazaar.

JCM: He could have just said “yeah”, but whoever googled bazaar had to flex, I guess.

WhoBob: Bazaars can be hell for traffic but I doubt Peter walked all the way up there to avoid the traffic.

Lois: Well, if you're going to the market, can you pick up some cereal, some butter, and a loaf of bread?

Peter: I'll see what they have.

WhoBob: -YKJt2V2wHTnE8QXDJGsb0MQTzFGuuSMwWdyT6Jv

[A while later, Peter returns with what he bought]

Slug: I like to imagine that Peter flew off to a Muslim country, and Lois just didn’t question it because it was less time she had to deal with him.

Peter: All right, Lois. Here's six cobras, a bolt of silk, and a ram's horn.

Slug: Did this guy go to the bazaar or the zoo?

Lois: Peter, what the hell?

WhoBob: Yes, Lois, what the hell is this? I’m so disturbed by these jokes.

Slug: You don’t see the inherent comedy of laughing at other cultures that we don’t bother to understand so we can score cheap jokes?

Peter: Hey, can you help me with the 20 paper bags of dates I got in the car?

Lois: Why the hell would you get 20 bags of dates?

Peter: The monkey in the little vest who was selling them happened to be very persuasive.

WhoBob: So, we are not just terrorists, we are also scammers. That definitely makes us more complex.

Slug: Donkey Kong threatened to throw a barrel at Peter if he didn’t buy Diddy’s goods.

Lois: [sighs] You know what? Fine. I'm just gonna assume this will pass, like your everywhere is a racquetball court phase.

JCM: Or the skydiving phase that the first third of this episode was literally about?

WhoBob: Or literally any episode of the show.

Slug: They’re gonna make that an episode eventually, aren’t they?

[Lois is in the living room, when Peter runs by and keeps hitting a ball off the wall with his racquet. Peter is exhausted]

Peter: So, Mike, now that you've thoroughly kicked my butt all over the court, what do you say we take one quick second to talk about the Wichita account? And let me assure you, my racquetball game is no indication of how we do business here at J.T. Stern. [chuckles] Okay, zero serving zero.

WhoBob: Boring and dry, you got something actually funny to show me?

Slug: On one hand, the joke is bad, on the other hand, I was bored enough to check the time to see that the episode is over halfway done, which is good.

[At the Chaste Camel]

Mahmoud: I have to say, Peter, I am impressed by how much you have committed yourself to lslam.

Peter: Are you kidding? It's awesome. I even started wearing leather sandals with way-too-long toenails. See how the big ones are getting yellow?

WhoBob: Do they really see all muslims as this? Like why would you do this?

Slug: A joke that’s both racist AND gross? We’re practically speedrunning Family Guy’s greatest hits!

Mahmoud: Ah, yes, very Muslim. Listen, Peter, some friends of mine and I are getting together tonight and we wanted to invite you to join us.

Peter: O.M.A. I am so there! Whose crappy van should we take?

WhoBob: Allah, please strike this clown down inshallah.

JCM: O.M.A.? So in addition to being a Muslim is he a Muslim Instagram influencer now?

Mahmoud: Actually, we are meeting here. Follow me.

[They enter another room of the restaurant, seeing other men in there looking over blueprints]

Peter: Oh, hey, you guys. Hey, is anyone gonna object if I pick my nose with a dagger?

Slug: I think Peter is gonna take 20 years off his lifespan from his actions in this episode alone.

Muslim: Mahmoud, who is this man? Why would you bring him here?

Mahmoud: Do not worry. This is Peter. He believes in our cause.

WhoBob: Oh god, this is gonna end up so bad. Facepalming hard.

Muslim: How can you be sure?

Mahmoud: Give him the test.

[Peter is placed onto a chair and man questions him]

Muslim: Who is better? Hulk Hogan or the lron Sheik?

JCM: How is there a wrong answer to this?

Peter: Um, the lron Sheik?

Muslim: Okay. He is one of us.

WhoBob: Ummmm okay? Of all "muslim initiation" jokes you could've done?

Slug: Me with these jokes.

Mahmoud: I told you. Look at him, he is the perfect man to help us blow up the Quahog Bridge.

WhoBob: Gee, I wonder why?

[Peter is playing with their model of the Quahog Bridge, making car noises and imitating explosion]

Peter: Ah! Oh my God! Everybody down! [imitates gunfire] So are these toys just, like, to take?

Slug: Pixar needs to stop with these new Toy Story sequels.

[At the Drunken Clam]

Peter: Hey, guys, what football team should I like? Mahmoud says we all need to act like we're fans of American football so we seem less... b-buh... buhspicious.

JCM: Totally not annoying when Peter goes from being just dumb to being borderline illiterate whenever the show feels like it.

WhoBob: Peter, I don’t know man, you have been seeing buh lately.

Slug: This episode does make me go bruh.

Quagmire: What? What are you talking about?

Peter: I'm talking about Mahmoud. You know, I actually feel really bad for him. Did you know he knew 19 guys who died on 9/11? I mean, what are the odds?

WhoBob: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, yes all muslims know each other because all of them are terrorists. Very funny, Family Guy.

JCM: It’s just like how all black guys know each other! That’s how it works, right?

Joe: Peter, I think you joined a terrorist sleeper cell.

Peter: What?! That's crazy. Look, I'm gonna call Mahmoud right now on this cell phone he gave me. He'll tell you. [keypad beeping; suddenly, explosion and glass shattering is heard] Damn phone's busted. Maybe I dialed wrong. [tries again; explosion and people screaming]

WhoBob: This is pure offensive and not even amusing, I’m reliving my reaction when I first watched this episode in 2013.

Slug: People say this episode is racist, but the white guy has already killed more people than any of the Muslim characters. Thank you Family Guy for being subversive once again!

Quagmire: Peter, please stop trying to call Mahmoud.

WhoBob: I love how their response to the terrorist attacks is just them being annoyed at best.

Joe: This is very serious. Your friends are terrorists. Think about it. They're... they're meeting in secret, they're creating cover stories...

Peter: Oh, my God, you're right!

WhoBob: Look how easily convinced he is. Such a character progression.

JCM: Only way this scene would have been even more idiotic is if a lightbulb appeared over his head right before he made the realization.

WhoBob: Honestly that’d convince me more of Peter’s thought process than this.

Quagmire: See, I told you Mahmoud was bad news! Those guys are all bad news.

Slug: Not sure if it’s possible to have written this episode in a lazier way. Peter is written to be almost too dumb to live, not recognizing an obvious terrorist plot when he sees it, yet the moment he’s questioned on this, he suddenly does a 180 degree head-turn. They couldn’t have at least built up to this switch?

Joe: Hang on there, Quagmire. Just because these few guys are terrorists doesn't mean all Muslims are. Every ethnic group has their nut-jobs. We have the Unabomber, Timothy McVeigh, and even that fat guy at the Atlanta Olympics who didn't do it, but he looked mean, so we said he did.

WhoBob: Please for goodness sake, stop trying to sound progressive. You aren’t trying to subverting muslim stereotypes by introducing muslim stereotypes. You are just making more muslim stereotypes. It’s pure racism and islamophobia.

Slug: This episode is basically like if you did a blackface comedy routine, but with occasional reminders that not all black people are bad and that it’s bad to be racist. Blackface jokes wouldn’t suddenly not be racist if you did that!

Quagmire: Joe, you don't get to talk about the regular Olympics.

JCM: tf kind of a joke is that

WhoBob: Speaking of bigoted jokes. For once, shut the fuck up Quagmire. He really is the worst character in this episode which isn’t all that shocking. Even when he isn’t doing rapist shit, he is unpleasant to watch.

Slug: I just can’t stand these weirdly mean-spirited quips. It just makes the entire mood of these episodes completely unpleasant. Not even sure what the joke is supposed to be.

Peter: Well, I gotta go down there right now and tell Mahmoud we can't be friends anymore.

Joe: Wait a minute, Peter. This could actually be an opportunity. You're already in their group. They trust you. If you can find out what they're planning next, we might actually be able to stop an act of terror. You'd be a hero.

WhoBob: Oh lordy, please save us from brown terrorism, white man. You are our only hope.

Slug: At this point Peter has probably killed more people than he’s going to save.

Peter: Well, I... I could try. I mean, I am a pretty good actor. Remember how upset I seemed to get when Lois said she was leaving town with the kids for a few days?

[Cut to Peter sad, while unzipping his pants and getting a laptop ready]

Peter: Oh, my God, I'm gonna miss you guys so much. Don't forget to call and let me know exactly when you'll be back. Get out.

WhoBob: Enjoy the porn of asian Lois, Peter.

JCM: Would not have blamed Lois in the slightest if she didn’t return home after that.

Slug: And then the show ended, and we were all better off for it.

[In a van outside the Chaste Camel]

Joe: [putting a wire on Peter] Okay, you're all set. Remember, we'll be in the van listening to everything, so if anything goes wrong, we'll pull you right out of there.

Slug: Things will go wrong.

Peter: Don't you worry, Joe. I'll blend in like a chameleon in Courtney Love's crotch.

[Cut to two chameleons, a green one looks at a strange colored one]

Green Chameleon: Oh my God! Where did you just come from?

Strangely Colored Chameleon: A very, very bad hiding place.

WhoBob: This is so gross and sexist.

JCM: This episode is more cutaway gag than plot at this point.

Slug: I think they use ad libs to come up with the cutaways at this point.

[Peter is attending the terrorist meeting]

Mahmoud: Okay, before we get started, I have an announcement from headquarters: “No more shorts.” And this isn't coming from me, this is management.

Muslim with Shorts: This is about me, isn't it?

WhoBob: But terrorism would be easier when wearing shorts, tsk tsk.

Mahmoud: They don't name names. They just say, “No more shorts,” okay? All right, this is our target: The Quahog Bridge. We loaded a van with explosives, which we will drive to the bridge and...

Improv Muslim: Wait a minute-- explosives? Is this not improv class?

Slug: I’d trust Improv Muslim to come up with a better plot on the fly than the writers of this episode.

Mahmoud: No.

Improv Muslim: Is... is this improv? Are you doing improv?

Mahmoud: No. Now get out that door! [Improv Muslim pretends he’s opening a door] The real door!

WhoBob: Good to know there is one good muslim out there, right?!

JCM: Improv Muslim is the only good thing to come out of this episode.

Peter: Yes, I have a question: When exactly are we doing the bombing?

Mahmoud: The attack will happen tomorrow during afternoon rush hour. And that's actually where you come in, Peter. In order to get past the checkpoint at the toll plaza, we will need an American behind the wheel to arouse the least amount of suspicion.

Peter: Sorry, can you repeat all that? I just had an itch right by my microphone.

Slug: Make Agent Peter the new 007.

Mahmoud: Microphone?!

Muslim: [rips open Peter’s shirt] He's wearing a wire! [They stare at Peter angrily, who is nervous]

WhoBob: Peter really intentionally wants to be killed.

JCM: Rest in peace, Mr. Griffin. I wish I could say it was nice knowing you, but it wasn’t.

Slug: OMG was Peter the imposter???


Quagmire: Hey, Joe, can I ask you a question? Can you fart?

Joe: Oh, of course I can. I've got a button for it right here. [farting]

Slug: At least our priorities are in order.

Quagmire: Aw, cool!

WhoBob: Thanks, a very important theory was confirmed. 

[They hear Peter’s whimpering]

Joe: Hold on. Oh, no! It sounds like they found Peter's wire!

WhoBob: Cop of the year.

Mahmoud: [aims gun at Peter’s head] Change of plans. The attack happens now.

[Mahmoud escorts Peter into a van with the explosives, forcing him to drive]

Mahmoud: Now drive.

Slug: Mahmoud, do you want to die too?

Peter: Man, I never thought it would end like this.

Mahmoud: Why, what did you imagine?

Peter: Well basically the same thing, only Nathan Lane.

[Peter imagines Nathan Lane cheerfully pointing a gun at him]

Nathan Lane: [singing] Now, drive!

WhoBob: Genius joke I did not get. Clever show.

[Van drives to Quahog Bridge. Cop inspects Peter’s skin color with a board that has white shades listed as “Okay” and brown plus black shades listed as “Not Okay”]

JCM: Sounds like the cops where I live.

Cop: Okay, you're good to go.

WhoBob: While I’m glad this created a lot of good memes, this episode still is trying to paint itself as progressive by how stereotyping muslims and brown people is bad but it isn’t.

Slug: I do enjoy this joke in a vacuum, but it’s less good when you consider the episode is doing the exact same thing this joke is criticizing.

Mahmoud: [comes out of hiding] Pull over up here.

Peter: Please, Mahmoud, don't do this.

Mahmoud: It is too late. The job must be done.

Peter: Look, I know you're mad at our government, but you gotta realize, that's only part of America. We're the land of the free and the home of the sunburnt, freckled fat guy. A place where Jenny McCarthy has a role in the debate over childhood vaccinations. A country where you can walk into any IHOP and see black women fighting.

Writer 1: hey i need something insightful to say for the america speech

Writer 2: idk just make another black joke

Slug: aYcms7OVoRwodu1wtFUEZFq35-OUCUMM8oWrYRdE

And where Ubu is considered a good dog even though he never sat. We're the proud nation where someone can shoot up their entire workplace with a thing, and then the next day nobody talks about banning that thing. It's the land that lets people on Twitter spell the word “their” any way they want.

JCM: there running out of ideas

WhoBob: Peter vs pronouns

And where, if you think you can dance, that assertion will be challenged and evaluated. For we... are America.

WhoBob: Such an inspirational speech. I think I’m gonna cry.

Slug: It’s also the land of television shows that last 15 years past their prime!

Mahmoud: You will not convince me. America must pay for its sins! [is about to detonate explosives]

[Joe opens the door, his legs being held by two officers]

Joe: Hold it right there! [Joe is thrown onto Mahmoud, tackling him and destroying the device] Mahmoud, you're under arrest.

Peter: Look, Joe, I drove a van.

WhoBob: Congratulations Peter, you won the best van driver award.

[Mahmoud is escorted into a police car, while Peter’s family is there to see him]

Lois: Oh, Peter, I'm so glad you're okay.

Peter: Oh, me too, Lois. That was some pretty rough stuff.

Slug: You got your ass impaled earlier, this seems mild in comparison.

Lois: You... you didn't cry, did you?

JCM: Lois dgaf if u nearly got blown up by terrorists u cant cry like some bitch

Peter: Well, I mean, I went through an awful lot.

Lois: Peter, if you cried, we are done.

WhoBob: Sorry Peter, you aren’t allowed to have emotions.

Joe: Great job, Peter. Thanks to you, 30 terrorists are behind bars, and every middle-class Arab in this town is now under suspicion.

JCM: I wonder who it was who said earlier in this exact episode that “just because these few guys are terrorists doesn't mean all Muslims are”? Cookie to whoever can remember!

Peter: So what happens next, do those guys all get trials?

Joe: Well, you know... [mumbling] some of them…eh…[sighs] It's a long... it's the process, and... whatever.

WhoBob: Lovely message that should encourage the police department for how to act towards muslims. I also love that this episode thinks only Arabians are muslims. Hooray!!!

Slug: I’m pretty sure this line is supposed to be criticizing the lack of due process in the police, but it doesn’t really work since there’s nothing in this episode that treats Muslims like normal human beings who deserve due process to begin with, and Joe is portrayed as the "good guy."

Peter: Well, what do you guys say we all go celebrate at the Clam?

Quagmire: That's a great idea.

Joe: Yeah, I think we could all use a drink.

Peter: Tell you what, let me call Horace and tell him to get our table ready. [dials Mahmoud’s “phone” which makes the bridge explode]

Slug: Well… at least you could still skydive over there. Remember that plotline?

Lois: Peter, did you just…

Peter: Let's go, let's go, let's go… [everyone runs away]

WhoBob: This episode ended with a bang but not in the way you expected. 😁

9 years later and I still hate this episode with a passion. I’m not Arabian or brown and I'm no longer a muslim, but as someone who grew up as one with muslim family and friends, this episode infuriates me. Every time a white creator wants to criticize islamic culture, it always ends up being offensive and racist because they don’t get our culture in the slightest as the episode showed. I can ignore it in a way like how South Park and American Dad managed to tackle these topics because they still found ways to entertain me. This episode didn’t. A big thumbs up for the amusing Angry Birds joke and a scene that created great memes about racism in America. Another thing that offends me is that this episode’s creators try to give themselves a thumbs up by commenting on how stereotyping and generalizing cultures are bad and then do the same thing they were criticizing. You do not get to tell a story about racism and Islamophobia in that way ever. Stuff like this is why we are still hated and feared in the west. This is the episode that made me hate Family Guy as a whole and this will always be my least favorite episode from the show. I’m so glad it’s banned forever. We don’t need muslim and brown people hatred stories when they’re confused messes like this. This episode is a prime example of why they should pull the plug on this disastrous show immediately.

JCM: This episode, like many of the show’s worst, tackled an issue the writers aren’t anywhere close to being qualified to comment on. The terrorist attack that led to this episode getting banned resulted in 20 people dying or losing limbs due to a 20 year war that the United States lost and that did little to curb the growth of terror overseas or at home. Domestic terrorism is more of a threat to Americans now than ever before, but it isn’t a Muslims vs Christians or Arabs vs whites thing most of the time like the braindead writers of this episode or anyone who supports anti-Islam ideology would like you to think. This episode perpetuates harmful stereotypes, and an occasional “guys we’re just kidding” doesn’t make that any better.

Turban Cowboy could have been a celebration of Muslim culture and a rejection of tropes that have plagued a thriving, diverse community for over two decades. Not all Muslims are sexist. Not all Muslims want to bomb us. Not all Muslims are Arab, though there’s an upsetting amount of media like this episode that wants to pretend they’re one and the same. My country that I chose for SWYAD, Egypt, is a predominantly Muslim country in the Arab world, but it’s also where one of the greatest civilizations in the history of the world, one that almost every American studies in school, originated. To paint every Muslim with a broad stroke is to ignore the histories of countries like Egypt, to ignore the heritage of black and brown people everywhere, and to contribute to a growing political and racial divide that has driven way more people to commit terrorist actions over the last 20 years than the Quran has.

Sorry, nothing funny to say, but yeah, be nice to people. This episode certainly ain’t it.

Slug: Not very common that I compliment modern Simpsons, but I actually think they managed to tackle a plot like this in a much more nuanced way. The season 20 episode “MyPods and Broomsticks” has a pretty similar premise where Homer encounters a Muslim family and begins to suspect that they’re involved in a terrorist plot. In that episode though, the Muslim characters are normal, and the terrorist plot is just in Homer’s head. I think the commentary on islamophobia actually works there, since the butt of the joke is Homer’s islamophobia, not Muslims being terrorists. Admittedly, it’s not like that’s the greatest episode or anything, the subplot of it was pretty bad, but I think the contrast between that episode and this one shows the very problem that I found most pervasive here. It doesn’t matter how much you lampshade it, racist stereotypes are still racist stereotypes. In the end, this episode still tries to make us laugh at crude and demeaning jokes at the expense of Muslim culture, and the show’s tacky attempts to save face just makes the racism look cowardly, not insightful.


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Episode VII: Life of Brian


Jjs: November 24th, 2013: A day that will live in television infamy. In this special episode of Family Guy, an unforgettable tragedy strikes the Griffin family. A tragedy so awful it puts Shakespeare to shame. Their lives will never be the same after this. You are about to witness one of the worst crimes ever committed on television. Viewer discretion is advised.

Faye: Ah yes, Life of Brian. This isn’t simply another “bad” episode of Family Guy. No, this was the moment Family Guy jumped right over the shark and gave the bird to its fans and said “deal with it.” I am excited to witness this travesty all over again.

Rusty: I’m gonna be upfront and honest here, I never really got the backlash against this episode when it first aired. By then I stopped watching Family Guy when my age exceeded 12, but even then, as a middle schooler, I knew that sometimes tv shows…just kill off their characters, even a major character. I get being angry when a character dies, but the backlash was immense. I remember seeing petitions wanting the revival of Brian who was apparently “America’s Dog” (funny, I thought that was Snoopy) and people were genuinely wasting their lives getting angry that a cartoon dog was “dead." The internet is stupid.

[Theme plays. Stewie and Brian are screaming while running down the street being chased by Native Americans]

Jjs: Just another whacky episode with funny moments!

Faye: Endorsed by the Washington Reds- I mean Commanders!

Rusty: Oh just throw us into the fire just like that, I don’t care.

Stewie: Hurry, Brian. They're gaining on us!

[Stewie and Brian are on a bridge as Native Americans approach from both sides, still firing guns]

Brian: Dammit, we're surrounded!

Jjs: How will our brave heroes make it out of this pickle? You don’t find this type of intense action in modern Simpsons!

[Stewie and Brian jump off the bridge into the water and swim away while the Native Americans continue to shoot at them]

Jjs: No matter the timeline, Stormtrooper aim lives on.

Rusty: Hey, if I was forced to do 20 more seasons of this crap, I’d jump off a bridge too.

Native American 1: Crap, they got away

Native American 2: Better call the boss. [Rubs stick on rock] Damn, I'm not getting a smoke signal out here.


Jjs: You would’ve had more luck calling Saul, methinks.

Faye: Must’ve not had a strong enough connection on those sticks. *rimshot*

[Third Native American bangs drum and turns rain stick upside down. Stewie and Brian wash up on a shore and hide out of sight from civilians.]

Brian: Dammit, Stewie, what the hell did you do?

Jjs: Saved you from being killed from the looks of it. Be grateful, asshole.

Stewie: I know, I know. I messed up.

Brian: "I messed up!" You went back to 17th century Jamestown and you gave guns to the Indians and now they're running everything!

Rusty: …Based?

Jjs: This is around the 50th time they’ve time traveled and I’m honestly shocked they haven’t destroyed the space time continuum by now.

Faye: I can’t remember the last time I saw a Family Guy time travel episode, but between the time they went to Nazi Germany to save Mort during the invasion of Poland, and the time they prevented 9/11 and causing the second Civil War, I’ll give this a meh okie and get on with it.

Stewie: I said I messed up, alright. I guess I just have this pathological need to be liked.

Jjs: I guess I just have this character flaw we’re subtly telegraphing.

Seth MacFarlane: Why would show you what I am trying to say when I could straight up tell instead! Saves me a lot of work!

Brian: Well it's not a good trait.

Rusty: Thank you for your opinion, Mr. Walker, it has been kindly noted.

Stewie: Aw, come on, don't say that. Lemme buy you lunch.

Jjs: Brian and Stewie dining on the finest Native American cuisine is rumored to be a deleted scene from this episode. It’s a shame it couldn’t fit the runtime, but understandable as this sequence already eats up (pun intended) a lot of time as you’re about to see.

Brian: Thanks to you, the Indians killed all the white people and took over America!

Rusty: …Double Based?

Jjs: Sounds like a sweet deal to me! But seriously, you should let him buy you that lunch.

I mean, you're the one that's always saying never alter the past!

Stewie: Oh come on, Brian, let's be honest, I frequently alter the past.

Faye: He is honest about his character traits at least. You really could learn from him, Brian.

[Cut to the Last Supper]

Jesus: Alright, so uh, I guess we'll split the bill 13 ways?

Stewie: Hey, Judas, he ordered like 5 margaritas, all you had was a salad. [Judas looks at Jesus angrily]

Jjs: In Family Guy lore, Stewie was responsible for setting in motion Jesus’s demise. Do with this knowledge what you will.

Rusty: ...how would that be bad if everybody paid for their own meal?

[Stewie and Brian are hiding behind trash, still staying out of sight, and then run into an alley]

Brian: You know it actually looks like the Native Americans have done alright for themselves. They do seem to have a lot of shops.

[Cut to Jean Jacket store next to All Other Stuff store. All Other Stuff has no customers until a sign appears in the window saying “Now Selling Jean Jackets”, causing a flock of customers to storm in.]

Jjs: Now the Jean Jacket vs All Other Stuff store rivalry arc is something I’m really bummed this episode didn’t expand on, but understandable when you see how much this episode had to cover.

Rusty: Oh god, are we seriously doing this?

Stewie: And it looks like they have medical care as well.

[Cut to hospital]

Native American Doctor: Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I've done this [lifts foot in the air] several times today and your husband just isn't responding.

Native American Wife: Well, have you tried this? [grabs his staff and bends over]

Native American Doctor: Ma'am, this is a place of medicine.

Jjs: Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s.

Faye: Ma’am, this is an Arby’s.


Stewie: And their popular music is interesting.

[Cut to radio station]

Native American Radio Host: And here it is, the number 1 song for the 10,000th week in a row: "Huyah, Huyah, Huyah"

[Chanting plays on radio as host leans back in his chair]

Rusty: OH MY GOD, JUST OH MY GOD. I’m not a Native American but I know that this is just frustrating. I know this is Family Guy’s schtick at this point, but just…OH MY GOD. Like natives…aren’t just this stereotype, they’re real people who wear jeans and use hospitals and eat crappy fast food like the rest of us in this country. Just…FUCK OFF, FAMILY GUY, FUCK OFF.

Jjs: Wow, no other competitor in those 10,000 weeks by now. This song is truly untouchable.

Faye: I did the math, and that roughly translates to over 191 years, 192 if you round up. So yeah, that must be one hell of an earworm.

Stewie: Well, no matter, we better restore things to the way they were. Let's go back to Jamestown and undo…oh dear!

Brian: What, what is it?

Rusty: A plot device that kills about 11 minutes?

Stewie: The return pad! [shows it’s damaged] Looks like it took some bullets during our escape. Doesn't seem to be working.

Jjs: I find this hard to believe with the Stormtrooper aim on display earlier, but we gotta get the “plot” moving somehow I suppose.

Brian: Hmmm…

Jjs: I agree. Biggest insight of the entire episode.

Stewie: What, whatwhatwhatwhat is that?

Jjs: Hwhat?

What is that "hmmm"? What are you looking for? What are you looking for specifically?

Rusty: Called it.

Yeah, that's right. But I'm afraid our only hope is perhaps the alternate version of Stewie in this universe has created his own time machine that we can use

Faye: Sat here for about five minutes wondering if the paradox of talking to your AU self would also break reality similar to changing the past too much, but since it’s already been acknowledged how much they change the past too much, I just can’t care anymore. Deus Ex Machina here we come!

Brian: Well, let's hope so, otherwise they're gonna kill us

Stewie: Yeah, or stick us on some kind of white people reservation

[Cut to two white people on the sidewalk as two Native Americans drive up. One of them is about to hand out money to the white people]

Native American Driver: Don't give them any money! They're just gonna spend it all on deviled-eggs!

Rusty: ...ok that actually got a chuckle out of me. Maybe this episode is starting to get back into having respectability…

Jjs: Of course, the white man’s true favorite meal: deviled eggs.

Faye: I mean it’s in the name — obviously it’s evil!

[Cut to the Native American version of Peter and his family. Stewie and Brian peer in through the window]

Jjs: A true visual aid is needed to appreciate this:


Rusty: …and they ruined it.

Native American Lois: Well there's my brave warrior. How was work today?

Native American Peter: Oh it was so annoying, everyone was coming around with their daughters selling girl scout corn. It made me feel so guilty, I had to buy like 20 ears.

Native American Brian: [now a yak] Hey, shot in the dark, but uh, is anyone else in the mood to run really fast in one direction?

Jjs: Riveting Native American stereotypes. I’m glad this is the setup the episode needed for some reason. I understand Family Guy has never had a nuanced novel story structure so I'm probably wasting breath criticizing it, but this setup feels convolutedly jankier than usual. I dunno, I feel there had to be less long-winded ways of doing this premise. Not a riveting start to our grand, dark tale.

Faye: I was just thinking about how like none of this going to matter in like five minutes, what is the point? Then again, the last episode I was on also had this sporadic, nonsensical structure so I guess I can’t really feign surprise anymore.

Rusty: joke does not compute

[Stewie and Brian climb through Native American Stewie's window. Brian spots a wooden version of the time machine]

Brian: Look, there it is!

Stewie: And it looks like he has a return pad too! Alright, come on, let's get back to Jamestown and set things right.

Jjs: I worry about their definition of “right” given what transpired in Back to the Pilot.

Rusty: “Set things right” in the Nathan Bedford Forrest sense of the phrase.

[They enter the time machine and appear in Jamestown. Stewie spots the past version of himself giving the Native Americans guns.]

Brian: Look, there you are giving them the guns.

[Past Brian walks past with a Native American woman]

Jjs: You sure this role wasn’t meant for Quagmire instead? Funny how the tables turn.

Stewie: What the hell are you doing there? You told me you were checking on the horses!

Brian: Well, she's a sizable woman, that's what I meant.

Jjs: Try that pickup line in your normal timeline and see what happens.

Faye: In a different world, this would become a heart wrenching episode where Brian falls in love with this woman, coming to realize and overcome his prejudices towards those of aboriginal and indigenous walks of life in order to continue the relationship before they are ripped apart from one another to prevent a time paradox. Probably wouldn’t have been a much better episode though.

[Past Stewie and Brian disappear in the time machine]

Stewie: Alright, come on, we've gotta get those guns back. [to Native Americans] Hey, hi, how are you today? Good to see you. Listen, we've just been informed that these guns are defective. Uh, we're from the gun company. Anyhow, you know how we like to take things back from you people? We're gonna go ahead and take these back.

Jjs: you-want-my-guns-come-and-take-my-guns.j

Rusty: “you know how we like to take things back from people” “does anybody have the urge to run really fast in one direction” are these seriously attempts at humor? Satire? I don’t know how to describe what these…are…other than “not funny."

Brian: That's right, we're from Gun Co.

Faye: Gun Co… Eh, sounds legit to me.

Stewie: Shut up, you're blowing it!

Jjs: I thought it was very convincing. I sure hope these guys don’t sue though: https://thegunco.com/

Native American 3: [suspicious and approaching] Where you taking guns?

Stewie: Brian, grab the return pad!

Native American 4: Get 'em, pale face! [throwing and shooting weapons]

[Stewie and Brian time travel away, as their weapons hit the empty ground]

Native American 3: They're gone. We can talk normal now.

Jjs: Now this is a surprising twist I’m disappointed they never followed up on again. This will have to be left up to fanfiction writers’ wildest fantasies.

Rusty: See if only they spoke an actual native language, like Cherokee, or Chikisaw, or even Tuscarora! Then again, it’s not like Family Guy is the pinnacle of effort.

[Stewie and Brian walk out of the time machine back in Stewie's room]

Jjs: I’m glad we wasted *checks watch* 5 minutes on this contrived set-up to get to the meat. Don’t worry though, I’m sure the payoff is worth it.

Faye: It won’t, but I’m past expecting it to at this point.

Brian: Well, looks like everything's back to normal.

Jjs: Oh Brian, nothing’s ever truly “normal” in Family Guy. Stupid dog hasn’t learned that after 12 seasons? I wouldn’t be sad if he got hit by a car or something in the next few minutes.

Stewie: Only one way to be certain. [opens laptop] Okay, let's do a quick search here. Native American role models. 0 results found, looks like we did it, Brian.

Jjs: Something tells me they didn’t fix the timeline after all:


Brian: Oh, thank god.

Rusty: I hope both of you die slowly and painfully for those two sentences.

Hey, what are you gonna do with all those guns? [looks at them on floor]

Stewie: I don't know, sell them to some messed-up kid?

Jjs: It’s a mental health problem, you see. This is kinda tasteless coming a year after Sandy Hook, but whatever we’re edgy and quirky!

Faye: South Park who? Family Guy is the topical, edgy show for me!

Rusty: Who the hell do they think they are? Asshole Europeans?

[Later, Brian is walking through the hallway. He hears a noise from Stewie’s room]

Brian: What the hell is that? Stewie?

[Brian enters Stewie's room to find him breaking apart the time machine]

Brian: Oh my god! What are you doing?!

Stewie: This time machine has almost killed us a hundred times, Brian. And yesterday was just too close a call. So I've decided to get rid of it before something irreparable happens.

Jjs: The first smart decision Stewie has made in what feels like years. I hope you appreciate this character development while it lasts, it’s not often we get nuanced character progression such as this!

Brian: But Stewie, your time machine, it's like your crowning achievement! I can't believe you'd just destroy it!


Jjs: You’d think Brian would be happy after that near death experience. Really forced character conflict to move the “plot” forward.

Faye: Especially when you remember Brian used to be the straight man to Stewie’s madman in these episodes. In an actually well written show, their roles would be reversed in this scene if anything.

Stewie: Trust me, Brian, it's for the best. And hey, at least I've had some fun with it. Do you know what I did last week? I time-traveled ahead to Christmas so I wouldn't have to wait all year for the new toys to come out.

Jjs: Fitting given a Christmas episode is what concludes this three-part “story arc.” (believe me, I use that very loosely) Perhaps this was planned out more than we thought, bravo!

[Cut to Stewie in toy store]

Cashier: Wow, good timing little fella, this just came out today

Stewie: Uh, yeah, I kinda knew that already.

Jjs: Smartasses have no place on Santa’s nice list.

Cashier: Would you like to donate an extra dollar to the Quahog food bank?

Stewie: Oh, sure! And would you like to come home and clean my toilet, while we're both doing stuff for each other?

Rusty: Oh my fucking christ, why is everybody either stupid as fuck or an asshole or both?

Jjs: Now how this didn’t destroy the space time continuum is a true mind boggling mystery.

[At the junkyard, Stewie's time machine gets crushed]

Brian: Well, I guess that's it. This is like the end of an era.


Jjs: Man I wish, but if anything, episodes like this are only the start of a new era.

Faye: More like the end of the beginning.

Stewie: Oh sack up you twink, it's just a machine!

Jjs: Brian a twink confirmed? 😳 

Brian: God, look at all the perfectly good stuff that people just throw out for no reason

Stewie: I don't know, it's mostly twin mattresses. If you have a twin mattress, aren't you pretty much a failure as a human being?

Rusty: Takes one to know one.

Jjs: Not…that I would know.

Brian: No, I mean it, like here look at this street hockey net, it's in great shape. You know, we should take this home and set it up. Get some fresh air, get some exercise.

Jjs: Brian makes a legitimate point. What brainlet thought it was a good idea to throw out such a perfectly good hockey net? Seriously, it sticks out like a sore thumb in that junkyard. Maybe whoever dumped it there is actually to blame for what happens in a few.

Faye: It seriously looks like someone bought it and immediately threw it away — at least make it look dinged up or something.

Rusty: It’s like a kid got 4 street hockey nets and they didn’t know what to do with the 3rd and 4th ones. Like I said, why is everybody in this show an asshole or a fucking idiot or both?

Stewie: Yeah, I suppose I could use a new hobby now that the time machine is gone.

Brian: You sure you're not gonna miss that thing?


Stewie: I was getting bored of it anyway. You know, not every historical event is all it's cracked up to be.

[Cut to women's rights meeting at the 1920 election]

Woman: Women, we've spent decades fighting for our right to vote, so when you go to those booths and cast your ballot remember: Warren G. Harding is way the cutest!

[She screams as the rest of the women scream and start a pillow fight. “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” plays in the background]

Rusty: Sure, just add a dash of sexism as well, who gives a fuck.

Jjs: Hey, that song didn't exist in 1920! And this is supposed to be historically accurate? Literally unwatchable!

[Stewie and Brian walk out to the street with hockey stuff]

Stewie: Okay, Brian, I'm just putting this out there, but I'm a baby and only dicks don't let babies win.

Faye: It’s pretty well established Brian is a dick so….

Brian: God, look at this day, huh? You know usually I'd be sitting inside writing,

Jjs: *another book that you won’t finish or won’t sell

Rusty: At least I admit I’m a lazy af writer, I mean it took me a month to write these riffs.

you'd be working on one of your machines,

Rusty: for you to have sex 24/7 with it, I’m sure.

but here we are enjoying it.

Faye: Well that’s destroyed now, so we have to find a new way to force the plot along kicking and screaming.

Stewie: Yes, it is a nice change of pace. Oh wait, I gotta go grab my knee pads, I was using them for...for...for this other thing.

Jjs: Elaborate, you vile fiend!

Rusty: I’ve seen someone be murdered with a kneepad once, so Stewie seems ready to kill us all.

Anyway, I'll be right back.

[Stewie walks away as a car comes racing down the street]

Rusty: CAR

Jjs: I didn’t know the newest Fast and Furious was filming in Quahog.

Faye: The subtitles said “tires squealing” but I more heard the engine roaring so I’ll just say it’s going really fast.


[The car hits Brian]

Jjs: brian-family-guy.gif 

Now, I know what you’re all thinking: Who is the twisted monster responsible for this heinous deed? Not even the Villains fandom wikia can deduce this driver’s identity. However, I’d like to unleash Saul Goodman for a moment and suggest that despite what you just saw, the reckless driver is not to blame for Brian’s death. Your Honor, I believe the fault instead lies on the moron who decided to place a perfectly good hockey net in the junkyard. Had that not been there, none of these events would have transpired. My client (who wishes to remain anonymous) has been falsely accused of this crime the entire time. Think about that.

Self-Driving Car: Bahahaha, that’s Saul folks! Imma haunt the roads once again someday! I, the self driving car of animated terror, will rule the roads with an iron grip!

Rusty: can i eat the corpse

Stewie: Ahh, Brian!

[The rest of the Griffin family race outside]

Lois: Oh my God! Brian! Brian, can you hear me?

Faye: I’m guessing because of that rotated ear, nope.

Peter: Holy crap, what the hell happened?

Jjs: You didn’t hear (or see) the zooming car hit and run your dog?

Rusty: I mean, Peter IS that stupid.

[A squirrel walks over and kicks Brian in the face]

Squirrel: That guy sucked.

Jjs: Ah ha, maybe the true culprit was the squirrel! He planted the hockey net!

Faye: I’ve heard of kicking a guy while he’s down, but this is a new level of insult to injury, literally!

Rusty: can i turn the squirrel into an anthro squirrel

[The Griffin family is in the waiting room of the Veterinary Hospital]

Meg: Mom, is Brian gonna be okay?

Lois: I don't know, Meg, but this is the best veterinarian in Quahog. Brian's getting the finest care there is.

Jjs: When American animals get access to better healthcare than the citizens.

Faye: Animal insurance premiums must be over the roof.

Rusty: Have we really stopped treating animals like gods?

Stewie: He had to share the ambulance with a chicken.

Peter: [to chicken] Umm, aren't you supposed to be running around?

Chicken: Don't talk to me, you have a bad reputation in the chicken community.

Jjs: This is unironically the most interesting lore tidbit dropped in the episode. Figured it was only a matter of time until Peter’s brawls with Ernie became common knowledge across the chicken community.

Rusty: can i make peter and ernie fuck

Lois: [to doctor] Doctor, how is Brian? Is he gonna be okay?

Doctor: I'm so sorry Mrs. Griffin, but Brian's injuries are just too severe for us to save him. I don't know how much longer he has, but I suggest that you all go in and say your goodbyes.

Jjs: Best veterinarian in Quahog my ass! There’s grounds for a lawsuit here. Saul’s got his work cut out for him in this episode.

Rusty: they secretly slipped in the cyanide injection…and also Stewie signed a “DO NOT SAVE” agreement.

[The family enter the operating room]

Lois: Oh my God. Brian, no!

Jjs: I think you mean BRIAN LOOK OUT!


Peter: I can't believe it, you're really...

Stewie: Dammit, Brian, you can't die! We were gonna do so many things together. We were gonna become wind surfers. I was gonna be a little better than you, but we were both gonna be good.

Stewie: I was also gonna kill you 100 times.

Jjs: Heartbreaking, powerful material here. Too bad I can’t take it seriously since it’s Family Guy.

Faye: Man, you can really tell Stewie was reminiscing on those touching experiences they’d already had. /s

[Brian mumbles something]

Lois: You guys, I think Brian's trying to say something.

Jjs: Thanks for the astute observation, Lois.

Rusty: Some people get paid millions for saying stuff like that.

Brian: You-you've given me a wonderful life. I love you all.

Rusty: LIES

[Brian dies]

Jjs: F

Behold one of the most shocking, tragic moments in animated history. They really went there. Shit, it even makes Old Yeller’s death pale in comparison. This scene was so powerful people tattooed Brian in memoriam, showing the impact he’s had on everyone’s lives.


Faye: In a show other than Family Guy this would’ve been really powerful and interesting to work with. But it’s Family Guy AND we know what happens later. Really cheapens the emotional impact we got here.


Doctor: I'm sorry, he's gone.

Rusty: Is he gone? Is he really?

Chris: Oh my god, he's...

Jjs: Here's a fun activity for the viewers: if you want to completely ruin this emotional moment more than it already has, picture Brian's mutilated corpse with this version of him in his place instead:


Lois: Yes, Chris, I'm afraid...I'm afraid that our Brian is dead

Rusty: IS HE REALLY DEAD? IS HE? IS HE? SAY IT 5 MILLION MORE FUCKING TIMES JUST TO RUB IT IN, GOD Why am I wanting to murder animated characters?

[Everyone is crying and holding each other]

Jjs: Reminder this wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for someone leaving a perfectly good hockey net. Saul Goodman’s speedy justice will make sure this family is avenged. 

Faye: Tragic, but now it's time for someone to crack a joke or make a cutaway to ruin the moment!

[The Griffin family go back to the house]

Peter: Guys, I'm gonna need a few minutes alone upstairs. I'm gonna do like a sad yank.

Faye: Ah yes, the sad yank. The ultimate “I’m ok, but not ok” of masculinity.

Rusty: You’d think they’d make a stupid Yankee pun from that.

Stewie: [as he cleans up the street hockey stuff] Stupid street hockey, I wish we'd never went to that dump. Oh, this is all my fault!

Jjs: Nah, I still blame the original hockey net owner more.

I'm the one that had to throw away the damn time machine. Wait a minute, that's it! I've just gotta rebuild the time machine and then I can go back and save Brian.

Rusty: FUCK. OFF.

Jjs: Didn’t you learn your lesson about messing with time? Way to undo his character development!

Faye: It’s almost like the whole first half of this episode didn’t happen or something, my goodness.

[Mort pulls up and takes the hockey goal]

Mort: Oh, happy birthday Neil!

Jjs: And so, the abandoned hockey net is stolen yet again, such is the circle of its life. I expect Neil won’t have that for very long.

Faye: Just don’t go in the street all alone while one of Musk’s self driving cars is on the road and it'll probably be alright.

Rusty: Oh my god, Mort, no please don’t, that thing is legit cursed…

[Stewie is at a fair]

Yusef: Stewie! How are you?

Jjs: I had to google Yusef because I genuinely forgot who he's supposed to be. :bruh:  I'm sorry Family Guy lore experts!

Stewie: Oh not well, Yusef. I need your help. I have to track down a titanium capacitor for a high wattage mainframe I'm going to construct.

Yusef: Titanium capacitors? Sorry, there's no way to get those anymore.

Stewie: What do you mean? You've gotten them for me before.

Yusef: I know, but the one guy who made those drew a doodle of Mohammed, so he's not around anymore. He wasn't even doing it on purpose, just absent-mindedly while talking on the phone, but it was Mohammed so...you know.

Jjs: Hey wait a minute, Turban Cowboy was the previous riff!

Faye: Good ol’ topic Family Guy! Who needs South Park, when you got Family Guy sneaking right behind them to do it quickly and randomly!

Rusty: Wow, a two-fer: Terrorism and Religious Stereotypes! God I’m sorry to sound like an ESS JAY DUBYA but these jokes are all so terrible.

Stewie: Oh, that's awful! Okay Yusef, thanks anyway. [to Rupert] Oh dear, Rupert, without those capacitors it'll be completely impossible to build a functioning time machine. I guess that means Brian is really gone for good.

Rusty: LIES

Jjs: That’s what you get for relying on titanium capacitors for time travel. Should’ve thought of alternatives with that brainpower of yours.

[At Brian's funeral]

Lois: [to Joe and Bonnie] Thank you so much for coming, guys. Brian would be very thankful that you're here.

Joe: No problem, Lois. You know I usually don't come to funerals. Since I'm a cop, I always wind up getting hit by a black woman with her purse.

Rusty: oh no…

Angry Black Woman: [hits Joe with purse] You find the man who did this!

Rusty: oh my god…

Jjs: Yes, find the mad hockey net dumper before more innocent animals suffer! Not like Quahog has any other pressing cases.

Joe: Uh, ma'am...what's your relationship to Brian?

Angry Black Woman: [continues hitting with purse] You bring him to justice! You make sure this angel child didn't die for nothing!

Rusty: oh for the love of god they did not just go there…

Faye: In the end he…. Kind of did though. In the most technical sense anyhow.

Joe: Are you sure you're at the right funeral, Ma'am? Brian's a dog.

Jjs: Lay off, she can attend whoever's funeral she wants. You may be a cop, but you're not the funeral police.

Angry Black Woman: You show the world why you became a cop!

Rusty: YEA THEY WENT THERE. Holy fuck man, this episode is just one big “hey let’s make light on a sensitive topic in modern society in the worst possible way” contest. Like South Park, but worse. By the way, the Ferguson unrest was 9 months away…so this can go in the “Harsher in Hindsight” camp.

Joe: Okay.

Jjs: On second thought, maybe don't do that.

Lois: Thank you everyone for coming today.

Adam West: None of you people came to my funeral!

Jjs: This did not age well. RIP 😔 

Lois: I know Peter wanted to say a few words.

Peter: Oh boy, this is um...this is probably the worst pain I've ever had to go through and I've sprained my ankle twice.

Jjs: Omg look at this continuity callback!!!

Umm, the truth is, Brian wasn't just my dog. He was my best friend in the whole world. He was smart, he was loyal, and...I guess what I'm trying to say is, he was like a brother to me and...I'm gonna spend the rest of my life missing him.

[Peter begins to cry as Lois grabs his hand]

Lois: We're all gonna miss him, Peter. We're all gonna miss him very much.

Quagmire: [checking phone while everyone else cries] Dammit, Ortiz, stop swingin' at junk!

Jjs: Honestly surprised he bothered showing in the first place. While on its own this is somewhat funny and in character, remember this is coming right after Peter’s emotional speech above. This is why trying to do a serious episode of Family Guy will always be a stupid concept.

Faye: Man, talk about killing the mood. Like yeah, it kind of makes sense since Quagmire probably hates Brian more than anyone else there, but if they were actually trying to do a serious episode they should’ve just not had him there.

Rusty: You can have a funny moment with an asshole at the funeral, hell That 70s Show had a fucking amazing funeral episode. (“Grandma’s Dead”)

[Brian casket lowers into the ground as the family watches, crying. Stewie throws the final rose on top]

Jjs: Beautiful, heartbreaking and artisan. Almost makes you forget what show you’re watching.

Faye: It would almost be good if you didn’t know they never planned on keeping it this way.

[The Griffin family is at the table eating, a month later without Brian]

Rusty: Jeez, so much for natural progression.

Lois: Oh my god, I almost served Brian again. I can't believe he's been gone a whole month.

Stewie: Can we at least get rid of the doggie door so Chris doesn't keep getting stuck in it?

Rusty :...that would be funnier if this show was better written.

Chris: Every day I get a little further in.

Jjs: Fascinating contribution to the episode, Chris. You can really feel his PTSD and sorrow over Brian’s death.

Lois: You know I hate to say it, but I'm startin' to think the only way to stop missing Brian is to get a new dog.

Jjs: Because that went well the last time. I suppose Vinny should be grateful he was spared of that fate.

Rusty: I seriously hated what they did to New Brian, swear to god that character deserves his own series…

Peter: Or do we all get Ghostbuster jumpsuits with our names on 'em? Who you gonna call? The Griffins!


Hell of a continuity callbacks up in here, folks!

Lois: I'm serious, Peter. I know it might take time to find the right dog, but I really feel like it might be the best way for us to move on.

Faye: You know Lois, I think Peter might have a point. Bonding and emphasizing parental bonds with the ones who remain is a good way to ground yourselves and remind everyone to take each day one step at a time to enjoy life to the best it can be.

I need to stop reading this deeply into a bad, boring episode of Family Guy and touch some grass I think.

Chris: Yeah, dad.

Meg: That would be nice.

Jjs: I also agree!

Peter: Alright, well I guess it couldn't hurt to look.

Stewie: Really? Another dog? Look, I miss Brian more than any of you, but at least now no one's forcing us to watch those awful PBS documentaries.

Faye: Glad to see Stewie is accelerating the grieving process, even if it appears awkwardly.

Rusty: Jeez, these characters are as consistent as QAnon narratives.

[Cut to PBS documentary]

Voiceover: And now, PBS presents, "Albino Children Are Normal."

Rusty: oh for the love of god, YES WE GET IT, PEOPLE WHO LOOK DIFFERENT ARE FUNNY! God dammit, I’m turning into Mr. Enter, but I can’t help it, man! I don’t like sweeping generalizations, even though I do it all the time because I’m lazy, but that’s no excuse.

Host: So, with the exception of not being able to go out in the sun, you're completely normal?

Albino Child: Yes. The moon is my sun. I like to kill beetles. Beetles are teachers. I sleep with a fork.

Jjs: All I got out of this cutaway is that PBS sure has gone in a darker direction since I last watched.

[The Griffin family enters the pet store]

Lois: Alright guys, time to find a new family dog.

Stewie: Hey Chris, you're kind of a creep, you should get a ferret.

Chris: You're right, I am, and I will!

Lois: I don't know how to choose between all these dogs.

Vinny: Hey you, green pants. I hear you're looking for a dog or something

Rusty: Oh, Tony Sirico. Your character didn’t get a fair crack at the whip either. May you rest in peace.

Peter: Finally, someone who sounds like they went to college. Hi, I'm Peter!

Jjs: Today I learned an Italian voice automatically means someone went to college.

Rusty: Imagine Plankton with an Italian Accent.

Vinny: Vinny.

Peter: Oh, Vinny, like the Pooh. That's kinda cool. So what's your story?

Jjs: Vinny the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh’s little known cousin. I await the spin-off story any day now.

Faye: Vinny the Pooh, Winnie’s black sheep pizza eating, wine chugging cousin. CD, I hope you can find those long lost records somewhere.

Rusty: Vinny the Pooh, he has a kill count of 537.

Vinny: Oh, you know, I'm just a regular guy. You throw a stick, maybe I bring it back, maybe I bring back an iPhone that fall off a truck. So what do you say, you want me as your dog?

Jjs: I know Peter may not be bright, but he’d be a special form of stupid to say no to free phones.

Peter: Yeah, I think I do! Hey, just out of curiosity, what breed are you?

Vinny: Actually, I'm a pussy hound.

Rusty: He’s related to Cal Worthington’s dog Spot. Pussy Cow!

Peter: Really? Alright!

Vinny: That just means I'm 1/16th cat.

Peter: Oh, I wish you hadn't told me that.

Jjs: Why? Don’t leave us hanging!

[Back at the house, the family bring home Vinny]

Peter: Well, Vinny, welcome to our home.

Vinny: Alright. This is good, this is good. Hey you guys got a good bangin' broads couch, you know that?

Faye: I see Vinny has some level of standards. I sure hope future episodes give us some great backstory for this!

Lois: Vinny, you must be starving. What can I make you for dinner?

Jjs: Ah, just get to the spaghetti joke already!

Vinny: Are you kiddin'? You're a hard workin' lady. So tonight, I'm gonna make you dinner.

Jjs: You can say my expectations are sure subverted.

Rusty: Aw, that’s nice. At least they got a nice character that they can fuck over.

Lois: Wow, well thank you Vinny.

Stewie: Woah, hang on Lois, you promised me we were all eating my Play-Doh pasta tonight.

Jjs: The family must be really low on food if they have to resort to entertaining that.

Lois: Oh, Stewie, did you make something? [pretends to eat it] Mmm, oh, it's so yummy! Mmm, oh, num num num.

Stewie: You better mean those nums.

Faye: Nums? It’s yum, you plebians!

Vinny: [to Chris] Hey you, what's your name?

Chris: Chris.

Vinny: How 'bout I call you Hat Boy?

Jjs: By far the most character development Chris has received in 12 seasons.

Rusty: Better than “Future School Shooter” I guess…I got that nickname in high school. What a bunch of dicks, least I have a soul and not a pit filled with money and staunch conservatism.

Chris: Hell yeah!

Lois: Lower your voice, Chris.

Chris: It's Hat Boy, bitch.

Jjs: Hat Boy needs a beating.

Faye: Chris’ best storyline since Season 2 probably. I really hope I don’t get left hanging on this new development.

Peter: Wow, look at you, Vinny. It's like you're already part of the family.

Jjs: Who knew it only took a month to get over a talking dog?

Stewie: I don't know, fat man, I think you're jumping the gun. I mean crucifixion seemed great at first too.

Jjs: Try telling that to Jesus, who you’re still responsible for killing in this universe. Don’t think I forgot!

Rusty: That’s an…odd comparison.

[Cut to guard nailing some guy onto a cross]

Guard 2: Why are you doing that?

Guard 1: Cause I'm mad at this guy.

Guard 2: I'm mad at this jar of pickles I can't open.

Jjs: flat,750x,075,f-pad,750x1000,f8f8f8.u2.j

Guard 1: Nail it up!

Faye: In fairness, this would solve the problem.

[At the Drunken Clam, Peter enters with Vinny]

Jjs: *audience cheering*

Peter: [to Joe and Quagmire] Hey guys, I want you to meet our new dog, Vinny. Vinny, this is Joe and Quagmire.

Jjs: Fun fact: Vinny never canonically met Cleveland.

Rusty: He should’ve.

Quagmire: Hi Vinny.

Joe: How you doin'?

Vinny: Real good. [to Joe] Hey, so I hear you're a cop.

Jjs: Vinny got in the know real fast for a dog they’ve had only a day.

Joe: That's right.

Vinny: Hey, that's great. Maybe sometime you can take me on a ride-along with ya, show me the neighborhood.

Joe: Yeah, I don't take people out on ride-alongs anymore. I had a bad experience with Grimace.

[Cut to Joe in the car with Grimace from Sesasme Street]

Rusty: ...what

Joe: I gotta be honest, I can't get a bead on you man.

[Grimace turns his head slowly to Joe, then slowly back]

Jjs: Fascinating insight into Joe’s career. When the angry woman with a purse requested Joe “show the world why he became a cop!”, I’m sure this is what she had in mind.

Family Guy Writers: This is a serious episode everyone, take it as such.

Also Family guy Writers: *putting fucking grimace looking goofy as all hell next to Joe on a drive by*

[At the house]

Peter: Oh boy, Vinny, hangin' out with you has been the best. You want another beer?

Vinny: No. I'd love one!

[They both laugh]

Jjs: Beer. One of the most wholesome bonding techniques in Family Guy. Hank Hill and his friends only wish they could compare.

Rusty: Hey, it worked for Brian.

Peter: But, the first thing you said was, ah haha, oh my god, you're like on another level Vinny!

Stewie: Congratulations, you've won over a complete imbecile.

Faye: A gold star for you Vinny!

Vinny: Woah, woah, woah. Did you just speak ill of the man who busts his tail providing for you?

Jjs: To be fair, Lois is the one who does more of the providing for him than Peter.

Stewie: He spent my college fund on puppet clothes.

Vinny: Hey, don't get fresh with me Estudio.

Stewie: That's not my name. That's not even an Italian version of my name.

Jjs: And what do you know about Italian culture, wise guy?

Vinny: Whatever.

Peter: [shouting from the other room] Hey Vinny, you wanna see a puppet show? They all got leather jackets!

Jjs: I like to interpret this as a subtle callback to German Guy. Someone had to take over Franz’s puppet store after his death, yeah?

Stewie: God, what a jerk. If this guy thinks he's sticking around, he's sorely mistaken. I'm going to ruin him! Just like I ruined that magician's act.

Faye: Oh so, we aren’t gonna get any more Road to episodes I guess? 🙁

Rusty: Dude…what the fuck? Why can’t he just have a new dog, is he gonna- no, no NO NO NO I AM NOT GOING THERE.

[Cut to magician sawing a woman in half]

Stewie: People, people, people. This man drives a Saturn.

Jjs: Got em (?)

Rusty: Fuck’s wrong with a Saturn? They’re still decent cars despite the make being dead for 11 years. (a spritely 3 years while this episode aired)

[Stewie is on the stairs watching Vinny on the couch]

Stewie: Alright, Rupert, I've been left with no choice. I'm going to tell Vinny so much bad news about Italian-Americans that he goes into cardiac arrest.

Jjs: Wow, both riffs I’ve been in so far sure have had lots of Italianphobia. I see how it is. 3,000 years and it never ends. 😔

Rusty: I…don’t even have a reaction to this anymore.

Vinny, there you are, I have some terrible news! Sal Enuncio's kid was killed by a falling piano.

Jjs: Who? Now this is a character we really need to learn more about.

Vinny: [groaning] How could this happen? The kid was an honors student, he just applied to SUNY Albany!

Stewie: He just got in to SUNY Albany!

Jjs: it's an Albany expression.

Vinny: [groaning] This is too much, Stewie, I can't take it!

Stewie: Oh my god, it's working!

Rusty: What a dick.

Chris: Hey Vinny, Bobby Lamidero's kid just got out of the hospital, he beat the cancer!

Jjs: Alright, now they’re just making up random Italian names. I'd be surprised if these two even existed in-universe.

Faye: Real or not, I'm already more invested in Sal Enuncio and Bobby Lamidero's stories than Vinny's.

Vinny: Oh, thank heavens. The man in the sky knows what he's doing.

Stewie: Chris, what are you doing?

Jjs: *Hat Boy

Chris: Call me a creep, you piece of crap!

[Chris punches Stewie]

Jjs: It’s not a Family Guy episode without that good old fashioned violence!

Faye: Stewie should’ve known better than to disrespect Hat Boy.

Rusty: S1e16_baby_fights.png

Vinny: [reading the newspaper] Hey Doonesbury, how about a joke that ain't for fancy millionaires?

[Stewie is outside crying. Vinny comes outside]

Vinny: Stewie, what's with the waterworks?

Stewie: Oh, uh, I realized I paid too much for my muffler.

Rusty: Sounds like a GEICO problem.

Vinny: Com on kid, quit cryin', you're gonna get your paints wrinkled. What's the matter?

Jjs: Lois still never ate his Play Doh pasta. 😢

Stewie: Fine. Do you want to know what's the matter? You're the matter. Everyone in this family is so damn thrilled with you they've forgotten all about Brian. Well I'm not thrilled. I'll never forget Brian. He was my best friend. You're not supposed to lose your best friend at my age. You're not supposed to lose him ever!

Rusty: Wow, an emotional moment right after seeing a teenager punch a baby in the name of comedy.

Vinny: Look, Stewie, I know it doesn't seem like it now, but you're gonna be okay.

Stewie: Yeah, right. How do you know?

Vinny: Because, I once had a thing happen to me with some stuff.

Jjs: How descriptive.

Stewie: Really? That's what's happening to me. Stuff.

Jjs: “Stuff” is one unique way to describe “watching my dog getting gruesomely killed in a hit run and run caused by a hockey net abandoner.”

Vinny: You know before you guys found me at the shop, I lived with an old man named Leo. It was just him and me in a tiny apartment and we got pretty tight. He kinda became my whole world. By the time he passed away, it was real tough.

Stewie: So, how did he die?

Vinny: He tried to go to a yoga class and on the first pose his ballsack split in half.

Jjs: Nowhere near as impactful of a tragedy as Brian Griffin’s death. Leo can burn in hell for all I care.

Faye: Serious Family Guy is very serious everybody. This should’ve been a red flag to be completely honest that something was up.

Stewie: Really?

Vinny: Yeah, it was on Dateline, it was a whole thing. Anyway, I guess Leo was kinda like my Brian.

Jjs: I hope you enjoyed this bread crumb of Vinny backstory. This is clearly setting up how they want you to get plenty attached to him. /s

Stewie: So how'd you get over him?

Vinny: Well, I met your family in the pet store. When I saw you guys were lookin' for a dog, I kinda sensed you all were going through the same feelings of loss that I was and it made me think, hey, maybe I was meant to find these guys. Maybe we were meant to be together.

Rusty: I’m sorry Vinny…but…LIES

Jjs: I’ve got some bad news for ya come December 15th, 2013.

Faye: It’s almost like that just happened or something.

Stewie: You know what, Vinny. I'm starting to think that may be true

Vinny: Hehe, bring it in, Stewie.

[Stewie and Vinny hug]

Jjs: Heartwarming. It almost makes you forget this happened: 


Vinny: Hey, Stewie, now that we're pals, maybe you can answer me somethin'. Why does your living room smell like puke? Someone throw up in there once?

Stewie: Vinny my friend, you've got a lot of stories to catch up on. I've got most of them on DVD.

Jjs: Be sure to buy the Family Guy Season 12 DVD!

Vinny: Oh cool. Like by season and stuff?

Stewie: Haha, no not by season.

Rusty: Just taped off the TV.

[Lois goes to put Stewie to bed with Vinny]

Lois: Boy, I can't remember the last time Stewie fell asleep this early.

Vinny: Well, I think the little guy had a long day.

Jjs: Trying to kill a dog with Italianphobia and then become his best friend right after really knocks a baby out.

Lois: Alright, come on, time for bed Vinny. I'll tell Peter to turn off the nightlight this time.

Peter: [from the other room] No! I need it for in case there's witches.

Jjs: Both Peter and Doug Walker have angering witches in common it seems. The only tie-in you’ll get to last year’s theater.

Rusty: *rhythmic typing*

Vinny: You know actually, Lois. I think I'm gonna sleep in here with Stewie tonight.

Lois: Oh, well isn't that nice. Sleep tight you two.

[Lois leaves, turning the lights out. Vinny sleeps next to Stewie’s crib]

Stewie: Goodnight Vinny.

Vinny: Goodnight Stewie.

Jjs: Isn’t that adorable? Wholesome 100

Faye: The beginning of a long, impactful friendship clearly.


[A witch walks in]


Witch: Hey, you guys know which room is Peter's?

Vinny: Across the hall.

Witch: Ah, it's too bright in there. Nevermind.

Jjs: I sure hope Peter’s beef with the witches gets a more satisfying follow-up someday, but knowing all of the story arcs abandoned in this episode…eek, I wouldn’t hold my breath.

Seriously though, yeah this episode sucks ass, but damn is it entertaining to riff, I’ll give it that. There's almost a morbid charm to this (though not in the way the crew intended at all), which is why I don't quite hate this one as much as other episodes that took themselves too seriously, but it's still a fundamentally broken episode. I know people constantly go “bro it’s Family Guy don’t take it seriously”, and fine, you're right in most cases. But what about episodes like this where it’s trying to be completely serious? It doesn’t work, and that’s why this episode is as ridiculed as it is. The show taking itself too seriously has been a problem for a while now in episodes such as Screams of Silence, but this one is another level of galaxy brain. Nobody watches Family Guy for a serious, emotional, dramatic, grandiose tale. It's tonally inconsistent in even attempting that, showing this idea was dead on arrival. Outside of the few casuals who got Brian tattooed on them (bless their souls), most people probably knew this wouldn't stick anyway. As I’m sure most know by now, this death would end up being reversed a mere two episodes later, and knowing the animation timeline, that was evidently always the plan which made this a clear pointless publicity stunt. If you get guilty pleasure enjoyment out of this episode because of how serious it tries to be, I'd understand because I do too at times. In a way, you almost want to weirdly respect them for attempting this, but it's for nought when the shock value wears off. Unfortunately, when you see the next episode choice, there’s a good case to be made that perhaps Brian should’ve stayed dead given where they take his character from here.

However, the most important takeaway from this episode is this: Never leave your hockey nets in a random junkyard or events like this will transpire. The mad hockey net abandoner is still on the loose somewhere in Quahog to this day, setting in motion who knows how many more deaths. I’m Saul Goodman, and we will bring him to justice!


Faye: It goes without saying that this episode is at best a really bad attempt at being serious. At worst it’s a morally reprehensible publicity stunt for a flailing show that is watched by the same people who put The Simpsons on in the background while doing busy work.

The worst sin this episode is that it’s painfully boring, especially knowing that *Spoiler Alert* Brian returns two episodes later and status quo resets, making this entire episode meaningless. But even Doctor Strange couldn’t find the multiverse where this death was both permanent and well written. The events leading to Brian’s demise are at best a stretch and at worst immensely contrived, but I suppose that’s old news by Family Guy standards. The emotional moments, when they do happen, hint at being kind of ok before a really stupid joke punctuates the mood such as Quagmire’s quip at the funeral after Peter’s eulogy. Hell, even Vinny’s character backstory about his old man… We’re supposed to take that seriously??? Excellent serious, mature writing Family Guy.

I could say a whole lot more but I’ll sum it up simply: It’s a bad episode by every stretch of objective writing and it’s an incredibly boring episode by any stretch of enjoyment factor. It ended up being even worse than I remember, which is really saying something. Until next time, adios!

Rusty: Okay, this was kind of a CHORE to sit through, and to be honest, I hated this episode even more than the other two. Just, god this episode just pisses me off, especially when Brian gets revived a mere 3 weeks later, which, again, makes the major internet outrage caused by his “death” incredibly, incredibly, stupid. (even more, in hindsight)

This episode, as a whole, just doesn’t work. It’s just one mood whiplash after another, and all the stereotyping that would make South Park cringe, the stupid moments, and just the very, very unbalanced tone of this makes this easily one of the worst episodes of Family Guy I’ve ever seen. Again, I hate that this is making me sound like Mr. Enter, but that’s what this episode has reduced me to. Thanks for reading…the internet is stupid.


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Episode VIII: Brian's a Bad Father


Clappy: It seems today that all we see, are one terrible A-plot or B-plot. But what happens when both the A-plot and B-plot are equal levels of terrible? Oh man, we are dealing with a real stinker today.

WhoBob: Oh boy, this episode, this season. Get ready folks cuz this ep is one of the primary examples of why Season 12 is Family Guy’s magnum opus.

[Theme plays. Episode opens with Peter, Quagmire and Joe the woods wearing hunting gear.]

Quagmire: Ah, this hunting trip is long overdue.

Clappy: Especially after you murdered someone on your last hunting trip. Don’t think I haven’t forgotten about that.

WhoBob: Holy crap Lois, starting the ep with a forest setting? No home or Drunken Clam? What is this? Did their budget rise up?

Peter: Yeah, I mean, it's just too bad that all the animals are so spread out, you know? I mean it wouldn't be awesome if they were all grouped together, like in a cafeteria and you could just go in there with a trench coat and just waste them?

Clappy: Earth to Family Guy. There is no universe where mass shootings would be deemed as funny. And to those of you who do find it funny, let me give you some thoughts and prayers.

WhoBob: Peter Griffin supports school shootings. Holy shit, after this month’s events, riffing this scene is plain wrong.

Joe: Well, maybe I can stir up some quail or pheasant with my patented bird calls. Birds! Quail! Pheasant! Come on out! I'm a bird of the opposite sex who's interested in mating!

Billy: [gasps] Did you hear that? We're gonna get laid!

Bird: Billy, Billy, come on. Don't be stupid.

Clappy: Only then would Billy be a part of Family Guy’s target demographic.

WhoBob: Listen to the other bird Billy, it isn’t worth it.

[Peter watches a deer drinking from a lake. He has the crosshair on the deer, when the deer looks up to see him. Peter looks sad and can’t pull the trigger. He changes his mind and aims again, when the deer waves its hoof. Peter turns around to see a group of deer behind him, holding baseball bats.]

Deer: Should've taken the shot, fatass.

Clappy: kOHoR65SvEd2arpZyfbcoU3OraR_GdC19-HW_u_M

WhoBob: Finally, some justice for deers.

[They begin beating Peter with their baseball bats.]

Peter: Ah, ah, ow!

Clappy: This is immediately the highlight of this episode. I could just watch this on an endless loop and be perfectly happy.

WhoBob: Seeing Peter beaten by deers is very satisfying.

[Peter, Joe and Quagmire have set up camp, eating lunch. Peter’s gun is on his lap, pointing at Quagmire.]

Quagmire: Hey, Peter, you got your safety on, right?

Peter: Yeah, of course.

Quagmire: Okay, 'cause your gun is pointing right at me.

Peter: Well, you want me to pull the trigger and prove it to you?

Clappy: It takes a certain degree of dumbassery for me to think that this is some next level amounts of impossibly dumb and this question only validates that Peter can only be so dumb.

WhoBob: Why is this ep bringing up the worst memories of this year?

Quagmire: No, I just want to make sure your safety's on.

Peter: [clicks] There. See, Quagmire? Safety's on. [turns safety off] Now this is a gun without a safety.

[Peter's gun shoots Quagmire, who screams in pain]

Peter: Quite the difference, huh?

Clappy: Did I say impossibly dumb? Let me rephrase that to COMFORTABLY DUMB.

WhoBob: Peter totally intentionally shot him. He feels like a sociopath in this scene.


Joe: Oh my God, Peter, that might be the dumbest thing you've ever done!

Clappy: I’d say it’s up there…fuck it, let’s make this a Top 11 list. Why? I like to go one step further.

WhoBob: Idek what is the dumbest thing Peter did anymore. Marrying his own son? Constantly abusing his own daughter, even shooting her? Having child porn on his computer? Locking his twin in the basement for decades? Defecating through a bridge, causing Lois and Stewie to crash? Sexually assaulting Brian? Lots of contenders.

Peter: No, the dumbest thing I ever did was open that can of Whup Ass!

[Cutaway to Peter opening said can. An arm pops out and repeatedly punches Peter]

Clappy: Nah, that wouldn’t even come close to sniffing the top eleven list.

WhoBob: This is the second time Peter has taken a beating. We love to see it. Keep it up.

Peter: Lois, why did you buy this?

Lois: [off-screen] It was on sale!

Clappy: Nah, more like Lois intentionally wanted Peter to suffer. Can you blame her?

WhoBob: Not gonna lie, if this was on sale here, I would buy it. Not many options after the inflation my country faces.

[Brian is on the couch with his laptop, writing his next novel.]

Clappy: Yep, this is a Brian episode. Here’s the remote. I wouldn’t blame you.

Brian: A writer who inherits a magic typewriter that writes for him, but then it turns out the typewriter is... racist? Totally makes sense. Older technology, older worldview. And that is a good day. [shuts laptop] I earned some banana bread.

WhoBob: This is 100% how it goes down in the Family Guy writing room.

[phone rings] Oh, crap. It's Dylan.

WhoBob: Hell naw, I ain’t paying for child support.

Stewie: [walking in] Dylan? Your son? I haven't heard you mention him in ages.

Clappy: And neither have we? I mean after all, he is only voiced by Seth Green. Who is a part of the cast for Family Guy. Seriously, why isn’t this character utilized more?

WhoBob: Family Guy introduced a hell lot of secret relatives, I can see why they didn’t bother with this until years later. If there is anything adult cartoon sitcoms love to tell, it’s always secret relatives.

Brian: Yeah, I-I decided to step away from the whole situation. The last thing he needs is a father who's, you know, sometimes there, sometimes not.

Stewie: Really? When-when was the part when you were there?

Clappy: As clever as it is that Stewie is speaking on behalf of the viewing audience, being in on the joke that Brian is a self centered prick doesn’t equal to easy laughs.

WhoBob: Stewie does bring up a nice point. When were you there?

Brian: Hey, if I click "ignore," will he know that I'm sending him to voicemail?

Clappy: I usually save this for Peter’s incomprehensible idiocy, but Brian. You can’t be this dumb.

Stewie: [answers] Hey, Dylan! Hey, it's Stewie! Yeah, I'm right here with your dad!

Brian: [takes it] Hey... hey, Dylan.

Dylan: Hey, Dad! I know we haven't talked in a while, but I'm calling because I'm on my way to Quahog.

Brian: Oh, really? W-When are you getting here?

Dylan: Tuesday!

Brian: Oh, don't say Tuesday! Aw, aw, I'm at the... I'm at the...I'm out at the project all day. Aw, hands on, indispensable. They-they need me there, so, wow. Rats. Bummer.

Clappy: I’m pretty sure everyone reading this is well aware by now, but for those who don’t. This episode came out in the back half of Season 12; often considered one of, if not the worst season of Family Guy. The first half of the season consisted this three episode arc where Brian was killed off (as seen in the previous riff) and then brought back to life during the final episode of the arc, Christmas Guy. The back half of this season into portions of Season 13 feel explicitly directed at making Brian as unlikeable as humanely possible. Just to spite the backlash that Family Guy got for killing Brian off in the first place. So if you think makes Brian is immediately detestable in this first scene, just you all wait. He only gets worse.

Stewie: I can cover for you at the project, Brian! Go see your boy!

WhoBob: Stewie is oddly supportive of Dylan here. He is doing everything to make sure he spends time with his father. Maybe this is Stewie helping out another boy like him whose dad constantly ignores him. Poor Stewie.

Dylan: Dad, who's your coworker? He sounds nice.

Clappy: Comparing him to your deadbeat dad, he’s a saint.

Brian: He's widely disliked here, but, uh...I'll meet you Tuesday at the coffee shop.

WhoBob: He is literally the only likable character in the ep. Cut him some slack.

Dylan: Sounds great. I'll see you then.

Brian: Okay, b-bye.

Stewie: See? Don't you feel better? You're gonna go to that lunch, you're gonna reconnect with your son. It'll be great.

Clappy: Are you certain about that? Don’t forget, Brian is worse than Hitler.

Brian: I don't know, Stewie.

Stewie: Trust me, you should take my advice.

WhoBob: I’m surprised both of this episode's plots didn’t start off with something random like they always do. They just get to the point. That’s the only praise you’ll see me with this episode besides Stewie being a good friend.

I mean, I'm the guy who told Michael Chiklis to wear tight shirts.

[Cutaway to Michael Chiklis in a tight shirt interrogating a man.]

Man: I'll tell you anything you want, just get your boobs out of my face!

Michael Chiklis: You know the difference between you and me, dirtbag? No matter how muscular I get, I will never be muscular.

WhoBob: I don’t get it. What’s the joke here? Who the fuck is Michael Chiklis? My celeb lore needs more work.

Clappy: First of all, WhoBob. Go watch The Shield. Now. Second, no matter how many seasons Family Guy gets, fat shaming will always be Family Guy’s top three go to humor.

[At the Drunken Clam, Quagmire is sitting in the booth wearing a cast.]

Peter: Hey, Quagmire, what's with the cast? Did you hurt your arm after I shot you in the arm?

Clappy: Can we just fast forward to the part where karma shoots Peter in the fucking head already?

WhoBob: no comment

Quagmire: The shooting was the injury, Peter!

Peter: Look, I already said I was sorry, like, a hundred times.

Clappy: One hundred more times on your punch card will result in one free middle finger from Conway Twitty himself.

WhoBob: Saying sorry hundred times to make up a shooting? Should be convincing.

Quagmire: Oh, and before I forget, I want my Huey Lewis CD back.

Peter: Well, I want a new drug.

Clappy: I’ll take obscure Huey Lewis song titles for $500 please.

Quagmire: Okay, at least you've been using it. But I want it back, Peter, this is it!

Peter: Ooh-ah.

Clappy: It’s alright guys. I’m just doing it all for my baby. It is hip to be square. That’s the power of love for ya. There. No more Huey Lewis references so Family Guy doesn’t have to.

Quagmire: Damn it, Peter, just give it back.

Peter: I can't give it back. I lost it in a poker game.

Quagmire: What!?

Peter: I didn't think he could beat a two.

Clappy: They really want me to say “you can’t be this dumb” ad nauseam. Well I refuse and instead just give a collective shrug to Peter’s stupidity because he has already provided one too many inconceivable moments in this episode.

Quagmire: Where the hell do you get off betting my CD in a poker game?

Peter: I don't think I like your tone.

Clappy: He does have a point. Peter seriously has no boundaries and we are supposed to find the family man charming?

Quagmire: W-What? You're-you're saying I'm being the unreasonable one?!

WhoBob: This got a smirk out of me mainly because how fucking pointless this argument is. Get to the point already.

Joe: Geez, calm down, you guys.

Quagmire: No, no, Joe, Joe, Joe, it's time somebody said this to him. Peter Griffin, you are an idiot!

Clappy: Welcome to the riffing team Quagmire.

WhoBob: Trust me Quagmire, you're not the first person to say this to him. No cutting corners pal.

You can't even walk and chew gum at the same time!

[cutaway to Lois walking on the sidewalk]

Lois: Peter, come on! Walk over here!

[pull out to reveal Peter chewing gum while lying down on his face]

Peter: I'm doin' somethin'. [chews] One thing at a time!

WhoBob: If we had Peter doing one thing at a time, we would have a fucking Scorsese movie.


Clappy: You got like fifteen minutes left of this episode that says otherwise.


WhoBob: eji1tkiXSwwsZdas0uqcfO8GFM5lcraG7YvhVkfd

Peter: Well fine! I don't need your friendship anyway. I got other friends. I got my silent movie friends.

[Cutaway to Peter in a silent movie, piano music playing. He talks to a man named Bill, as the dialogue is shown on screen.]

Peter: “What’s up Bill?”

Bill: “I’m on my way down to the market in the wake of Mrs. Miller’s motorcar accident. The poor woman has no other means to get in town herself, so I’m helping her with errands today. Sadly, I’m having my own problems with transportation, so here I wait. I had hoped I wouldn’t have to make an extra trip, but she was rather insistent about needing apples. I’m afraid this endeavor is going to exhaust the entire afternoon. I think that, perhaps, I should have packed a meal, for it isn’t likely that Mrs. Miller is going to be baking any of her famous apple pies until after I arrive to restock her pantry. In the meantime, I’ll have to consider alternate plans for lunch. I hope this venture doesn’t extend well into the evening. I would hate to miss dinner with the family. My wife has been preparing a delicious roast beef stew all day. Just thinking about it is making me hungry. Oh look, it appears the express is finally arriving.”

Clappy: The joke explained: “Silent movie actors aren’t silent.” Tune in next time when Peter doesn’t understand how a toaster works or something.

WhoBob: I paused the scene to read all that, I'm naughty.

Peter: “I’m sorry, I couldn’t read all that. Can you give me the short version?”

Bill: “Here comes a train.”

[Peter is hit by a train]

Clappy: That poor train.

WhoBob: Peter gets his ass kicked in the 3rd round.

[Meg and Brian are on the living room couch. Brian is typing on his laptop when the news comes on.]

Tom Tucker: Coming up, we'll meet a Filipino man who actually has a grown-up haircut.

Clappy: Apologies to all Filipinos, everywhere.

WhoBob: What? What does that even mean? Are we gonna do random and obscure racist jokes? Is Family Guy having meetings with the CEO of Racism every week?

Stewie: [walks in, seeing Brian] Hey, what are you still doing here? Aren't you supposed to be having lunch with Dylan?

Clappy: Thanks Stewie, for pointing out what we already know. Brian is a piece of shit. Maybe next time you can point out that Chris isn’t really “studying” upstairs.

Brian: Yeah, you know, Stewie, I've been thinking about it. And I haven't seen him in years, and at this point, I-I just don't see what could possibly be gained from me getting together with him.

Clappy: Very introspective look at this Brian. Maybe you should have thought about that before you had unprotected sex with his mother you selfish prick?

WhoBob: It’s wild that Dylan aged a lot since the last time he spoke to Brian whereas other characters of the show stayed at the same age and Dylan looks as young here as he was first introduced.

Tom Tucker: In entertainment news, Hollywood comes to Quahog in the form of a new Disney Channel show called Parent Boppers, about a group of teen detectives. The show, set and filmed right here in Rhode Island, stars local teen and Irish trash Dylan Flannigan.

Clappy: Apologies to all Irish people, everywhere.

Meg: Brian, did you hear that? Your son's gonna be a TV star! Brian?

[They look to see the door left open, Brian gone. Brian is in his prius, speeding away.]

Clappy: Hey...you can’t possibly speed in a Prius…what an outrageous oversight.

Oh and something about being a narcissist or something like that.

WhoBob: Gotta make desperate attempts to start a writing career, baby. Brian should just give up. If many bland white writers can get gigs and Brian who has white guy voice can’t, you know you should give up on that dream.

Stewie: He's off to lunch, Meg. Oh, that dog o' mine! That's Mike Drunkbeater. Look it up on the Internet.

WhoBob: No thank you. I have had my share of don’t google something memes, most of them even have Peter. Can’t escape these anywhere.

Singing Man: [as text appears on screen] Family Guy! We’ve been on for years!

Clappy: And haven’t had an original joke for years too!

WhoBob: The Simpsons did it.

[Brian and Dylan are in a diner.]

Brian: Wow, my son Dylan on a TV show. Funny how life turns out, isn't it? You remember that weekend we watched TV together? Boy, little did I know how much that was gonna rub off.

Clappy: Some would say it seems today that all you see is violence in movies and sex on tv.

Dylan: Did we watch TV together?

WhoBob: Don’t worry Dylan, nothing is good on TV. It’s all Family Guy reruns.

Brian: Oh, probably. But, wow, huh? And-and you know what's weird? You're on a show... I'm a writer. It's-it's almost like the universe is trying to… [chuckling] I don't know, make us work together or something, I don't know.

Clappy: This sure is a one-sided universe, amirite?

WhoBob: Of course Brian is a nepotism shill.

Dylan: You... you want a job on my show?

Brian: Hey, hey, don't put the universe's words in my mouth, okay?

Clappy: If someone replied to me like this, even if it was my own father, I would immediately be suspicious that there are ulterior motives.

Dylan: I don't know, Dad. I've-I've barely seen you in the past few years.

WhoBob: More like the past 6 seasons.

Brian: So, what better way to reconnect than by working together every day?

Clappy: I can think of like ten better ways. Like actually physically being there for your son instead of being a deadbeat for starters?

WhoBob: Dylan, no, it’s a trap!

Dylan: Well, I suppose I could talk to them, see if they'd go for it.

Brian: Why wouldn't they? I-I mean, it wouldn't be the craziest idea in show business.

Clappy: Continuing Family Guy years after its peak of relevancy for starters in terms of crazier ideas.

WhoBob: That’s true cuz nepotism is more common than you think, Brian.

[a young lion is seen in class]

Lion: When I grow up, I want to stick my head through a circle at the beginning of movies, and roar.

[Everyone laughs at him. Years later, the lion is now the MGM logo mascot]

Lion: Wassup now, bitches?

Clappy: Yeah, how’s that working out for you in 2022?

WhoBob: Bitch, you got bought by Amazon. Enjoy having minimum wage.

[At the Drunken Clam, Quagmire is watching tv.]

Clappy: The rare combination of Family Guy’s two favorite location spots.

Announcer: We now return to Saving Private Ryan, brought to you without commercial interruption by Mazda.

[Stanley Mellish and an SS soldier are in a fight. The SS soldier overpowers him and slowly stabs the knife into Mellish.]

SS Soldier: Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. [whispers] Zoom zoom.

Clappy: That’s exactly the way Steven Spielberg would have wanted his movie to be. Thanks guy!

WhoBob: Damn, a nearly three hours movie to watch in a bar with no commercial breaks. These customers sure as hell are spending a lot of their money on booze.

[Peter enters the Clam, annoying Quagmire. The two exchange glares.]

Peter: Hey, Jerome, can you clear out my booth? Looks like somebody left their trash here.

Clappy: Hey, that’s no way to talk about yourself.

Quagmire: Jerome, can you tell that piece of shit asshole to fucking get the hell out of here before I fucking kick him in the face?

Clappy: Hey, that’s no way to talk about yourself. For the record, I’m on Quagmire’s side here obviously for the spat, but let’s not act like he’s on the superior ground of being a morally outstanding citizen. See the last episode I riffed and my one after this as prime examples.

WhoBob: Leave Jerome out of this!

Jerome: Peter, why don't you just sit in that booth over there?

Peter: Oh, man, that's where the after-work secretaries sit.

[Peter is sitting in a booth with four after-work secretaries.]

Secretary: What about Mr. Demerson? Is he single?

Peter: I... I-I don't know.

Secretary: What about Mr. Adelaide? Is he single?

Peter: I don't know who that is.

Secretary: Well, who do you know who is single?

Peter: Uh, I'm assuming you. Oh-oh, hey, look! Cake! [distracting them, he sneaks away]

Clappy: Thanks for wasting my time. Got any other sexist jokes about painting nails and making sandwiches?

WhoBob: Nice sexist joke you got there. This isn't the 50s anymore Family Guy. Get better material.

[Joe enters the Clam]

Peter: Hey, Joe! Hey, Joe, I'm over here!

Quagmire: Joe! Joe! Come sit with me!

Joe: Come on, you guys.

Peter: Joe, I got a box of salt water taffies, and you can have two.

Clappy: The joke is Peter’s fat.

Quagmire: Joe, I got a deck of cards you can put in your wheels to look cool.

Clappy: The joke is Joe is crippled.

Peter: Joe, I'll do the wavy stomach for you. [stomach waves]

Clappy: The joke is Peter is still fat.

Joe: [chuckles] Looks like a real wave.

Quagmire: Joe, I can scream your name real loud! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!

Clappy: The joke is Quagmire brings nothing else to the table.

Peter: I can yell it louder! Joe! Joe! Joe!

Clappy: The joke is Peter can be more obnoxious than Quagmire.

Quagmire and Peter: Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe! Joe!

WhoBob: Who’s Joe?

[Joe Pesci walks out of bathroom angrily]

Joe Pesci: What the hell is going on here?! I'm in there trying to take a leak! What, you think I'm here to amuse you? You made me dribble on my Bruno Maglis turning to see who's calling my name!

Clappy: The joke is Joe Pesci is Italian and Family Guy is too cheap to afford the actual Joe Pesci for a guest spot.

Peter: [to viewer] Joe Pesci thought we were talking to him 'cause his name is Joe. Joe Pesci thought we were talkin' to him 'cause his name is Joe. Oh, you don't know who Joe Pesci is 'cause you're 14. [grabs Pesci by his coat] You see, in the 90's, this was a tough guy.

Clappy: The joke is not funny.

WhoBob: A show watched by 14 year olds is gonna pander to boomers? No wonder why Family Guy doesn’t have a stable demographic.

[At Quahog Studios, Parent Boppers is filming.]

Clappy: “Parent Boppers”

Girl: Hey, multiracial group of friends, you want to hang out?

WhoBob: This white girl needs to be shunned away.

Director: Cut! That's a five. Tell my assistant I fell asleep with a condom on again, and to bring scissors to my trailer.

Clappy: You know Family Guy. There is such a thing as not always going for the lowest hanging fruit, right?

WhoBob: Hollywood sexual predator jokes, real nice... 🙂

[In Writers Room]


Head Writer: All right, guys, before we begin today, I want to introduce our newest staff writer, Brian Griffin.

Brian: Hi, guys. Yes, I am that Brian Griffin.

Clappy: THAT Brian Griffin


You probably have my novel, but just so you know, in here, I'm just one of the guys, all right? [begins asking the other writers] You have my novel, right? Nope? No? You got it, though. Nope? You got it? Nope, nobody's got it. All right.

WhoBob: Damn, that’s secondhand embarrassment.

Head Writer: Okay, so we got to come up with a story for next week's episode.

Writer #1: How about we do one where DJ gets his driver's license?

Clappy: Do these guys actually know children show subplots? How do you do fellow kids, indeed.

Head Writer: That could work!

Writer #2: I don't think we've done that.

WhoBob: Literally how any long lasting adult cartoons pitching stories goes.

Writer #3: Love that idea.

Brian: No, no, no. Guys, guys, come on, where's the STWISTUSION? Really? Really? I'm the only guy here who's heard of that? Stakes, twists, conclusion-- STWISTUSION.

Clappy: All in favor of stopping Brian from trying to make STWISTUSION happen?


Head Writer: That sounds made up.

WhoBob: Nah, it’s real. Shyamalan got the patent in 1999. Smh Brian copying other people’s work.

Brian: Let me ask you something: are you afraid right now?

Clappy: I would be more afraid of Peter accidentally shooting-oh wait that’s the subplot.

Head Writer: What? No.

Brian: That's what's wrong. You should be, you know? Art is scary. This is writing, man. The viewer wants to be raped.

Clappy: The 14 year old edgelords at home right now are peeing their pants laughing. Can we go back to Brian being a deadbeat dad again?

WhoBob: That’s…not how a viewer experience should go.

Writer #4: Are you saying my nine-year-old daughter wants to be raped?

Brian: Now you're asking the right questions.

WhoBob: Brian, the ultimate pedophile ally.

Now you're being creative, thinking outside the box.

Clappy: Someone tell the Family Guy writing team this ‘new age’ writing philosophy .

Take what you think you know and go a different way with it.

WhoBob: Says the guy who has never made money from his novel.

Like-like, for instance, what if the daughter in Taken was Zooey Deschanel?

[Cut to Liam Neeson on the phone, parodying Taken]

Liam Neeson: Send me her head.

Clappy: Okay, I wasn’t a fan of the latter seasons of New Girl either but come on now.

WhoBob: This show loves to be cruel to celebrities.

[Cut to Joe’s house. Joe is having a meeting with Peter and Quagmire]

Joe: Peter, Quagmire, I've called you here today because this has gotta stop.

Clappy: Sorry Joe but we are at about the halfway point with no end in sight.

The petty vying for my attention, the late night phone calls, the attack ads...

[Cut to Peter's attack ad]

Narrator: Glenn Quagmire claims to be Joe Swanson's good friend, but would a good friend not return a leaf blower for four months during the leafy season?

Clappy: It's called the fall. We literally riffed an episode about the fall. How fucking stupid are you-

Peter: I'm Peter Griffin, and I broke into a news station to make this.

WhoBob: Patrick Star would be proud.

Newscaster: Hey! Who's that guy?

Clappy: He just said his name less than a second ago. Are you deaf?

Peter: [running off] Aagh! [static cracking]

WhoBob: Get his ass!

Joe: Well, look, you guys have given me no alternative. I have to choose one of you. So I choose Quagmire.

Clappy: Should have chosen Mort.

WhoBob: Hmmmm. A sexual predator vs. a violent dumbass. Can I live near Cleveland’s house?

Peter: What!?

Quagmire: Suck it!

Clappy: No seriously. I bet he actually wants you to suck it. He’s a sexual predator after all.

Joe: I'm sorry, Peter, it's just that Quagmire's been there for me in some pretty dark days.

WhoBob: Quagmire was literally belittling you in my previous riff episode.

And he's been a wonderful godfather to Susie.

Clappy: You wait until she’s at least 12 and you’ll change your mind in a heartbeat.

Quagmire: [holding Susie, who giggles] There she is, my little Susie-wusie!

WhoBob: Well, at least Quagmire doesn’t have a thing for babies.

Clappy: Don’t give them any more shock value subplot ideas.

Otherwise, I would wish Peter shot him to death.

Peter: I love Susie more! C'mere, Susie! Uncle Peter's gonna give you a raspberry.

[Joe and Quagmire watch in shock as Peter does raspberries on Susie]

Quagmire: Peter... that's not where you do a raspberry.

Peter: I closed my eyes too early. [Quagmire takes Susie back]

Clappy: Sadly this might not even be the worst ‘joke’ in an episode chock full of atrocious moments. Let that really sink in that this easily would be the worst moment in any other season but this isn’t even the worst moment of this episode. Yeah. That’s how low the bar really is now.

WhoBob: This is not only an awful comedy, it’s so fucking disturbing. You get a lot of those in season 12.

Joe: I think it's best if you leave.

Peter: Oh yeah? Well, maybe I'll hang out with my godson, Kevin! [opens Kevin's door]

Kevin: Get out!

Peter: He was masturbating with a knife.

Clappy: Yet another moment of the bar still not being rock bottom yet despite its best efforts to make you want to throw a rock through your fucking television screen.

WhoBob: The previous shock value joke was just a second ago.

[At Quahog Studios, Parent Boppers is filming.]

Director: We're rolling!

Girl: My stupid parents want me to wear a bike helmet.

Boy 1: Parents are lame.

Dylan: Hold on, other kids. Maybe they just recognize that nothing can protect us from the tedium of our mundane lives. Aren't we all on bikes without helmets? Sometimes I just want to put this gun in my mouth. [holds one out]

Clappy: Would you look at that? Brian’s writing is just as out of touch as any other adult writing children’s show dialogue. Nothing out of the ordinar-PUT THIS GUN IN MY MOUTH!?!?

WhoBob: Forget Brian being a bad father, he cannot understand teenagers at any capacity.

Director: Cut! Your line is "That's right, Cameron."

Dylan: I know. My dad wrote that one for me.

Director: Again with this? Yesterday, you had Dakota give herself an abdomen-punch abortion during her volleyball tournament.

Clappy: Usually this is the part where I make a comment about how this joke has not aged well after the overturning of Roe v. Wade. But seriously…PRO CHOICE.

WhoBob: Another joke that really aged worse due to today’s climate. I really cannot escape these moments in this episode.

Brian: Hey, seventh grade can be hell.

Director: Brian, you're fired.

Brian: Wait, what?!

Director: Sorry, Brian, but you're done.

Brian: Oh, come on! You can't fire a writer in the middle of a show!

Clappy: Should have joined a union.

WhoBob: Someone doesn’t seem to understand how production goes.

That would be like a doctor leaving in the middle of a surgery!

WhoBob: Writers save lives!

[Cut to a patient whose surgery isn’t finished, monitor beeping steadily. Janitor walks in.]

Patient: Help! I'm supposed to have surgery, but my doctor disappeared.

Josh: Okay, Josh, this is the shot you've been waiting for. [finishes surgery]

[Doctor walks by, seeing the janitor’s mop.]

Derek: Okay, Derek, this is the shot you've been waiting for. [begins mopping]

Clappy: Family Guy says you can do anything you set your mind to…either that or this was yet another dumb cutaway in an effort to kill the runtime.

WhoBob: Maybe you two should do a body swap show.

[Brian runs backstage to see Dylan]

Brian: Dylan, Dylan, there you are! Listen, you can't let them fire me! You're the star of the show!

Dylan: Dad, believe me, I want you to work here with me, but you can't keep doing things like that.

Clappy: Watch him. He’s going to keep making the same ignorant mistakes because that’s who he is.

And they know you took those cases of Diet Coke home last night.

Brian: I thought they were anybody's Diet Coke!

WhoBob: Sharing is caring Bri.

Dylan: They’re for work!

Brian: I work at home!

Clappy: Welcome to 2022.

Oh, hey, by the way, are we all getting those backpacks with the name of the show on them?

WhoBob: Backpacks are more important than your son. Got it.

Dylan: You know what, Dad? I'm starting to think that you've just been using me to advance your career! God! You're a terrible father!

Clappy: Wrong. The line is bad father. The episode isn’t called Brian’s a Terrible Father.

WhoBob: rick.jpg

I never want to see you again!

Brian: [sighs] My God, he's right. I am a terrible father.

Clappy: BAD father. Is that so hard to quote the episode title!? Even though terrible is a more accurate adjective.

WhoBob: You just realize it that quickly? Okay, I’ll give Brian that. He ages faster than us.

[Looks at the food table and begins stealing from it. Somehow brings his Prius inside, and puts the whole food table in the trunk.]

Clappy: Oh Brian. Never change you selfish prick.

WhoBob: Fuck you Brian. I haven’t even gotten a chance to eat any of that food.

[Cut to the Griffin household, Brian is on the living room couch drinking]

Stewie: Brian, do you know where...What the hell are you drinking? Is that Rite Aid- brand whiskey?

Brian: [sighs] Stewie, I just feel so awful about what happened with Dylan. I mean, every terrible thing he said about me is true.

Clappy: If that is what led him to drink cheap whiskey, lord knows what he was drinking when Quagmire went on that long rant about Brian’s flaws as a character.

Stewie: Well, you're a terrible guy, Bri.

WhoBob: Statement of the year.

Brian: I think being a paid writer again just went to my head. I mean, I just... I can't believe I was so selfish. It's-it's like Dylan just held a mirror up to me, and I could finally see how poorly I'd been treating him. I guess I didn't realize how lucky I was to have Dylan back in my life until I lost him all over again.

Clappy: Nah, more like your ego is so massive that it didn’t matter who or what you were using to further your own personal gain.

Stewie: Well, maybe you should just apologize.

WhoBob: Oh yeah, let’s use Peter’s method from earlier in the ep. That’ll fix things.

Brian: I tried to. I mean, I texted him "S-R-Y frowny face." I mean, he knows that I'm sorry and that I'm sad.

Clappy: Bitches love frowny faces.

WhoBob: 2lR67QtNmt3xT3IYDL_QFSGVB1gOLkC3RK33E-7k

[Meg walks in, wearing a black dress and holding her shoes]

Meg: [gasps] What are you guys doing up so early?

Brian: What-what are we...Where have you been?

Meg: Well, I certainly wasn't at the Shriners' convention.

Clappy: Why does Meg’s off kilter subplots always sound better than the main plots?

WhoBob: Wait WHAT? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? *googles* Umm ok…

Stewie: You know what I think, Brian? I think you've got to get down to that set and apologize face-to-face.

Brian: [sighs] You're right. I just... I hope he's willing to hear me out, you know? [groans] I'm the worst father ever.

Clappy: Like owner, like dog.

WhoBob: Well, idk on that. Peter beat you 8 seasons ago.

I'm even worse than Marvin Gaye's dad.

[Cutaway to Marvin Gaye delivering a present to his dad]

Marvin Gaye: Happy Father's Day, Dad.

Marvin Gaye Sr: Marvin, if this is another tie, I'm gonna kill you.

Clappy: But where are those good old fashioned values again? Because this episode is chock full of trash.

WhoBob: Neglect vs murder. Who would win?

[Peter sadly walks to the Drunken Clam. He looks through the window, seeing how happy Quagmire and Joe are.]

Peter: Well, looks like it's just you and me, Shadow. [Peter's shadow goes inside, abandoning him]

Bar Goers: Shadow!

Clappy: And this abbreviated Cheers reference surely was worth all ten seconds of screen time.

WhoBob: HOLY SHIT, forget Multiverse of Madness. This is the greatest fanservice ever. Shadow finally appeared on Family Guy. Bravo Seth.

[At Quahog Studios, Brian and Stewie approach a security guard.]

Brian: Oh, hey, is, uh... is Dylan back here?

Guard: Sorry, Brian, Dylan says he doesn't want to see you anymore. We're not allowed to let you in.

Clappy: *End credits play*

Brian: Well, you know what? I'm sorry, too.

Guard: For what?

Brian: For this! [tries to attack guard, but he whacks him with his nightstick]

WhoBob: Both Peter and Brian being beaten? This episode is spoiling me.

Stewie: Yeah, you know, you probably would've had a better shot if you hadn't yelled "For this!" You know, that-that kind of telegraphed what you were gonna do.

Clappy: And explaining the joke doesn’t make it any better but that’s the sort of telegraphed humor that Family Guy was gonna do.

WhoBob: As predictable as most of your jokes, Family Guy.

Brian: Ah, Stewie, it's no use. They're never gonna let us in.

Stewie: Well, maybe you can't get in, but I think I know someone who can. [looks at the Casting building]

Judge: Zac Sawyer?

Clappy: Hey remember this one-off reference? Thank you for watching Family Guy for, at the time, twelve seasons. And they say Family Guy doesn’t give a shit about their fans anymore with their trolling.


[Stewie enters wearing his Zac Sawyer costume]

Stewie: I'm Zac Sawyer. Say "when." Acting. Singing: pop, classical, light opera, Italian. Dancing: classical, tap, jazz. Horse riding. Can I? Yes. Accents: 13. South American, South African, British upper class, British Cockney. "What, Govnah?" Somebody gonna stop me? Fencing, nunchucks. Driving? Yes. Automatic and standard…

Judge: Okay, okay. Wow. You're the worst. Welcome aboard!

Clappy: You’ll fit right in with everyone else on the show.

WhoBob: That gag really got under my skin. It was so painful.

[Lois is watching tv in the living room]

Announcer: We now return to The Love Boat with Somali Pirates.

Pirate: [pointing gun] I am the captain now.

Clappy: Remember Captain Phillips? Congrats to the twelve of you who still do. They made this pop culture reference just for you.

Captain Stubing: Well, okay, but that means you're in charge of getting Mr. Devlin to admit that after 30 years, he still loves Mrs. Devlin very much.

Pirate: That is not the captain's responsibility!

Captain Stubing: Well, maybe not where you come from, but here on the Love Boat…

[pirate shoots him in the face]

Pirate: Now, who is Mr. Devlin? [raises hand] Try skinny-dipping with her like when you were kids.

Clappy: This episode makes me almost miss the previous episodes I riffed were the cutaways were very few and far between. Almost.

WhoBob: Yet another pointless and jokeless reference cutaway. This episode is full of them.

Peter: [holding a knife] Hey Lois, if I was gonna kill myself do I slit my wrists this way, or this way?

Meg: [offscreen] Sideways for attention, long way for results.

Lois: Meg is right.

Clappy: Remember earlier when I said that those previous two abhorrently awful crude humor instances weren’t rock bottom? Well let’s just say “and the winner is…” Agree?  Disagree? Let’s just say that there are no wrong answers here.

WhoBob: Please never have a mom like Lois.

Peter: Okay, I'll be in the garage.

WhoBob: Meg really needs to get the fuck out of that house.

Lois: Peter, put that knife down.

Peter: Lois, I don't have any friends! So I'm gonna kill myself and get a full page in the yearbook. Then they can't ignore me.

Clappy: Maybe if you weren’t such a loathsome fuckwad of a human being, your friends wouldn’t actually want to shoot you. I’m sorry but I’ve been trying to bottle in all my anger and fury until the end, but this is such insufferable cow shit. To all the fourteen year old edgelords out there who defend modern Family Guy; really? This is what you all find hilarious? A grown man showing the maturity of an emo kid? Remember when being called emo was an insult? I didn’t necessarily agree with it then but I certainly think this is a valid excuse. Because this sort of behavior is straight up insufferable levels of ‘whoa is me’ selfish. This is just brutal to watch and reading the transcript is only making this all the more insufferable.

WhoBob: Did 13 Reasons Why writers write this scene?

[High schoolers flip through a yearbook.]

Student 1: Who's that?

Student 2: I don't know.

Clappy: Most relatable moment in this episode.

WhoBob: Same.

[At Quahog Studios, Stewie is ready to act]

Director: Okay, Zac, remember, your character's name is Tevin Ashe-Taylor. You surf and enjoy surfing.

Clappy: Not only am I asking if the animated script writers proofread this, but did the actual FG writing team proofread this?

In this scene, DJ Slopes is thinking of quitting the detective agency, and you're like, "No way."

Stewie: Got it.

Director: We're rolling!

Dylan: Listen, Tevin, I think I just need more time to focus on my snowboarding and Web series about energy drinks.

Clappy: Who would watch a web show about energy drinks?

WhoBob: I could watch a web series about energy drinks. Sounds more fun than this show.

Stewie: No, man, you got to stay in the detective agency. It's what your dad would want.

WhoBob: Since when is my dad’s wants more important than my own?

Dylan: What? What are you talking about?

Director: What the hell's that new kid doing? This isn't in the script!

Clappy: Agreed. The original script called for a five minute Conway Twitty joke. Oh we’re talking about the fictional show-

WhoBob: This is Family Guy writers improvising every second to inject how much bullshit they can fit in a 22 minute episode.

Stewie: I'm talking about your dad, DJ. He sent me here with a message. He said he can't believe he was so selfish. It's like you held a mirror up to him and he could finally see how poorly he'd been treating you. He didn't realize how lucky he was...Stay on me, camera one…

WhoBob: They know the zooming emotional moment. Noooo.

to have you back in his life, and now he feels like he's lost you all over again.

Clappy: Heartwarming. What did Brian originally do again when it came to news about his son being back in town again? Oh yeah…wanting nothing to do with him before he found out that he was famous and could benefit his own personal gain.

Dylan: But how do I know he won't just hurt me again?

Stewie: You don't. You never know that. But isn't taking a risk better than not having a dad?

Clappy: Better than constantly being set up to fail again in terms of growing their relationship. You know if Brian genuinely gave two shits, he wouldn’t have Stewie do his own bidding, regardless of if he is banned from the set or not.

WhoBob: Okay, I’m gonna call bullshit on this. Apparently blood is thicker than water in the Family Guy universe. Dylan please. You can do better than a dad that will constantly ignore you and use you. This is a cycle of abuse. Why would I take a risk to stay with a shitty dad? Not all risks are good ideas you know. Sometimes you just gotta move on.

Dylan: Yeah, I guess you're right.

Stewie: You're damn right I am.

Clappy: If that means to be constantly letdown at every single chance he gets, then yes. You’re damn right you are.

WhoBob: No, you ain’t Stew.

Director: Cut! You know, I don't know where any of that came from, but I liked it. Who are you?

Stewie: I'm Zac Sawyer. And I go where I'm needed.

Clappy: I need you to go away.

WhoBob: What a chad.

[Stewie leaves the studio while ”Here I Go Again” by Whitesnake plays. He gets into a cab.]

Driver: Where you headed?

Stewie: Wherever I'm needed.

WhoBob: Please give me a Zac Sawyer spin-off, I would watch it constantly. Come on. This has potential to build a Family Guy Cinematic Universe. This is your last chance. 6 seasons and a movie! Zac Sawyer YEAH!!!

Driver: No, no, it does not work like that. I need to put address in machine.

Stewie: Okay, maybe, you can just take me home then.

Driver: Where is home?

Stewie: I-I don't know. It's-it's my mom and dad's house, but I don't know the address!

Clappy: The joke is Stewie is a toddler.

Driver: I take you airport.

Stewie: Okay!

Clappy: And we never saw Stewie again.

WhoBob: Poor Stewie, he’s gonna be lost in another state or country. Get ready for another “Road to” episode.

[Joe and Peter are at Quagmire’s house, Peter holding a gun.]

Peter: All right, Quagmire, I have given this a lot of thought. I need you to shoot me in the arm and we can be friends again.

Quagmire: Okay.

Clappy: Without hesitation too. Christ even though I don’t feel bad for Peter and he absolutely deserves whatever consequences he faces, Quagmire is a pretty shitty friend right back  I get the whole eye for an eye ordeal, but maybe they truly deserve to both royally get fucked.

WhoBob: -mfP2XNHd0jzC4Ys6dfIhR5SslFYUJK3A8d-S7UU

Peter: [after realizing what he just told Quagmire] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! No, no, I was supposed to offer, and then you were supposed to say, "No, Peter, I'm not gonna shoot you, although I do appreciate the gesture."

Clappy: If that was your thought process, then maybe you have some self-exploring of your own to do about the size of your ego just as much as Brian does.

Quagmire: Hand me the gun, Peter.

WhoBob: YP3mSFRjnKaExjDELzrfuZkIA9BYD5WVgVboQv9b

Peter: I, uh, pass the test?

Quagmire: No, Peter. I'm gonna shoot you like a dirty animal.

WhoBob: EmuktbL29t2fu3rbmbwk7crsmlQ473vEJ6kMR3FH

Peter: But-but just the fact that I would make the offer is so meaningful to you.

Clappy: Get off your fucking high horse you dumbass.

Quagmire: Your offer means nothing, Peter. The only thing that means anything to me is a bullet in your arm.

WhoBob: P67d0X7aIYVM9VfrX-1b3pu4cwsYNecM-SrbLEDi

Now give me that! [they both struggle to grab the gun]

Peter: Stop! Stop! Quagmire, let go!

Quagmire: Come on! You're not leaving here without being shot!

Peter: Look, I was trying to do the decent thing, like you'd see in a movie!

Clappy: A decent thing to do is to find new friends.

WhoBob: A decent thing you would do is to cancel this show.

Quagmire: I'm putting that bullet in your arm, Peter!

[Joe shoots Peter in the arm]

Peter: Ah! Son of a bitch!

Joe: It's over. We're all friends again.


Peter: What the hell, Joe?!

Joe: I'm just trying to settle this nonsense.

Clappy: Then tell them both to fuck off and go get the next spin-off, Joe.

WhoBob: Deus Joe Machina?

Quagmire: Nothing got settled! You shot him! I'm the one who has to shoot him!

Peter: Wait a second. All right, then I get to shoot Joe, all right? He shot me! I mean, if we're doing things fair here, then…

[Quagmire grabs the gun and shoots Peter in the head]

WhoBob: YKnIvw2SimraotwL8ce4fs9E0zxfKvAJl5lIJPn0

Quagmire: All right, we're good.

Clappy: And Peter should legally be dead. Seriously, I have no sympathy whatsoever for Quagmire. I mean he absolutely did not deserved to be shot by Peter, who is immorally reprehensible in his own right and clearly shot his friend out of malice. But two wrongs don’t make a right. And Peter should be dead for getting his brains blown out the way he did. Quagmire has an actual body count in our riffing series people. Let that truly sink in that for as atrocious of a human being is in terms of Peter, Quagmire is fucking horrible in his own right.

[Dylan and Brian meet at a park]

Dylan: Hey, Dad.

Brian: Dylan?

Dylan: I went to your house, and Chris told me you'd be here.

Clappy: Get it? Because Seth Green voices both characters?

Brian: Look, Dylan, I-I'm really sorry I hurt you. I've been a really bad father,

Clappy: He said it! He said the line!

WhoBob: rick.jpg

like Ernest Hemingway or-or some other great writer.

Clappy: Can’t make this scene any more moving without shoehorning in Brian’s massive ego comparing himself to Ernest Fucking Hemingway. Dick.

WhoBob: Or Frank Herbert. Wait a minute, am I not allowed to reference?

But if-if you'll give me a chance, I-I'd like to try to change that.

Dylan: I'd like that, too, Dad.

Clappy: Bye! See you again in Brian is Still a Bad Father in Season 24 because this show is out of ideas and we need a trilogy of Brian’s ineptitude as a parent.

WhoBob: So…that was a lie.

[They hug. Lois is wheeling the disabled Peter, whose head is bandaged.]

Lois: Peter, I'm so glad you patched things up with your friends.

Peter: [slurring] Have I told you that we're all friends again?

Clappy: Lovely. Your friendship means so much to me.

WhoBob: Now Peter is double Petarded. Congratulations!

Lois: Yes, Peter, we were just talking about it.

Peter: They're gonna take me to the zoo and roll me around. We're all friends again.

Clappy: Once again proving that nothing can kill Beter. Not even Beter himself.


WhoBob: Poor Dylan is never to be seen again. This episode was just as bad as I remember. Stuff like this is why Season 12 is considered the worst of the worst. This may not be as disturbing as Fresh Heir, or as gross as Herpe the Love Sore and A Fistful of Meg, or as tone deaf as Baby Got Black, or a cheap tragedy tale like Life of Brian, but it's the episode that show that writers love making these characters as unsympathetic as possible. Maybe I wouldn’t be so bothered if the characters weren’t committing horrible acts, constantly apologizing to each other and telling each other they’ll do better. It’s beyond repetitive. This is why I quit watching. They play off this trope countless times and it only gets less and less interesting. I’ll give this episode credit tho, it knew how to keep my attention because a lot of scenes in the episode are fucking frustrating to watch I needed to talk. I’m not gonna even talk about the whole “this is why Brian should have stayed dead” discourse because that would solve nothing when many characters in the show are written exactly like Brian here. Peter literally shot his friend on purpose and you tell me Brian being a deadbeat is bad? They need to stop with these cheap drama and focus on the fucking laughter. Story doesn’t have to be this compelling drama about Brian’s neglectfulness as a father or how Peter is a problematic friend. I don’t know. Keep it a simple plot and focus on the jokes or if you really wanna tell an emotional tale, just make your characters enjoyable. You don’t have to make them completely horrible people to make us invested in the story. Of course there are stories with horrible and unsympathetic people but the difference in them and why they work is that they are always shown as irredeemable. They don’t trick you into buying the whole “I feel bad for what I did, I need to make up for this” crap. I get that you wanna keep the whole thing interesting with adding shock value moments but there is only so much you can go with this premise. Season 12 juiced it up that latter seasons used the same material but didn’t make me interested in them so I stopped watching the show. It’s not that hard to make a story about messy characters. Early seasons had the dysfunctional side and still made the characters believable, interesting, compelling and most importantly, humorous. I shouldn’t even tell you how to write, I’m not a writer but any viewer can see that you don’t have to pull shocking twists (or as the episode calls it STWISTUSION, oh boy they love being self-aware, don’t they?) to make good tales. That’s all. Shit, this riff conclusion got longer than I intended. Like a Family Guy gag…

Clappy: I guess this is a meta lesson: Don't give people second chances because they don't change. Especially self-centered sociopaths like Brian, Peter, and Quagmire. Am I right? What good life lessons. Thanks, Family Guy. I needed that today. Seriously, this episode is a massive pile of cow shit and I never want to see a single clip from it ever again.


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Episode IX: Quagmire's Mom


Jjs: I have an interesting backstory with this episode for those who give a shit. When Clappy did his worst Family Guy episode list in 2018, he had this one on there, one of several I had never seen before. His description of it really stood out to me, striking that morbid curiosity itch. I decided to watch it and oh boy…it was a special kind of awful I sadly never forgot four years later. An uncomfortable subject matter mixed with a Quagmire centric story, a character whose schtick is long worn out by this point, doomed this episode from the get go. This mixes together problems I have with most Family Guy episodes, it’s a lovely gift wrapped package of shit. I’m sure that cold open is enough to sell you, so it’s Giggity Time.

Clappy: Like Jjs said, I had this episode on my worst episode list back in the day. If there was any episode that I would rank higher now than I did back in the day, it would be this one. I came across this episode again a few years after and lord this is so much worse than I remembered it to be. Let’s re-live how.

JCM: Just reading the description of this episode made me dread watching it, but after seeing it in full, I can confirm it’s just as bad as you think, and probably even worse, as impossible as I thought that would be going into it.

[Theme plays. Episode opens with the Griffins eating breakfast.]

Jjs: Get Walt Jr-I mean Chris his damn breakfast!

Clappy: This is now the second episode I riffed where the episode opens with the Griffins eating breakfast. What the deuce is this, Cherry Chevapravatdumrong?

Brian: Hey Lois, can I please have another pancake? [Stewie laughs] What? What's so funny?

Jjs: Because you’re not eating it on a pancake plaaaatteee!

Stewie: I don't know. Dog eating pancakes. It's funny.

Jjs: Observe, the type of casual conversation every normal family has for breakfast.

Clappy: To quote the other episode I riffed that opened with a breakfast scene: “Good morning...is what normal families would say.”

JCM: That’s literally how the manatees writers come up with every joke.

Meg: Mom, I need a check for the school field trip.

Peter: Jeez, Meg, didn't I just take you on a field trip?

[Cutaway to Peter with a blindfolded Meg, abandoning her in a field]

Jjs: She’s lucky he even spent that much time with her. I’d say it’s a small step for their relationship. And who said this show had no character development?

Peter: Ok, here's the field! Goodbye forever! [Gets in car, drives off and crashes into tree] Aaahh! Meg, I'm injured! Please help me! I smell gas! [The car explodes] Meg, I'm still alive but I'm badly burned!

Jjs: duel-star-wars.gif 

JCM: You can probably guess how eager Meg is to save her dad in this scene.

Come save my life and nurse me back to health! Oh, God, why do bad things happen to good people?

Jjs: This was a very necessary cutaway to establish that Peter neglects Meg, if you guys didn’t know from the other times it’s happened.

Clappy: What you call bad things happening to good people, I call karma to be honest.

Lois: Here, sweetie, I'll write you a check.

Peter: No, no, I got it, Lois. [pulls out pad of post-it notes] Let me just lick my thumb 'cause that's what people do before they write a check. [licks thumb] Okay, now let me tilt my glasses down and ask the date. [tilts glasses and licks pen with tongue] What's the date today?

Jjs: February 8th, 2015.

Clappy: Past this joke’s expiration date.

Chris: Dad, why don't your checks have any writing on them?

JCM: Here’s our once-an-episode reminder that Chris actually exists.

Peter: Why don't your shelves have any trophies on 'em?

Clappy: kOJ9BY1q0t7-woYADij9b9WCBE10MZia2DzuvQEI

Jjs: Hey now, let’s give Chris a little more credit than that. There was that time he…uh…and that time he…umm. Anyone?

Chris: I've obviously caught you at a bad time.

Peter: Lois, why don’t my checks have any writing on them?

Jjs: Don’t worry, that’s just a subtle metaphor for how the writers approached this episode.

Lois: Well, Peter...

Peter: What?

Lois: That's just a wide pad of Post-its I gave you.

Clappy: Sounds about right with Peter being the absolute imbecile that he has countlessly proven for decades now.

JCM: The fact that Peter didn’t realize he was writing checks on Post-Its until now is all the proof you need that he shouldn’t have an actual checkbook.

[Peter looks at the blank post-it note]

Jjs: All I learned from this is that throughout these 13 seasons, Peter doesn’t know how to write a check. Makes sense, Lois was always the more dependable of the two.

Clappy: To add onto lessons learned, I also learned through thirteen seasons that Peter doesn’t even know what a check is.

Stewie: What?! So that million dollar check you gave me yesterday is no good?

JCM: Welcome to the fiat system.

Jjs: Peter doesn’t know how to write checks, but was also somehow able to write Stewie a million dollar one on what I presume to be, a blank post-it note. That’s true confusing economic talent we could certainly use in these trying times.

Clappy: I would be more concerned that Stewie, the former genius, actually believed that he was given one million dollars from someone who would rather spend that money on a random prop item that somehow propels him to this week’s plot.

I quit my job, man! [Brief cutaway to Stewie in an elevator quitting his job] I will not see you Monday!

Jjs: Damn, I’m kinda disappointed how quickly they dropped Stewie’s job arc. I personally feel there was a lot of potential here.

Peter: What the hell, Lois? Why don't I have a real checkbook?

Jjs: The family’s budget cuts have been rough since Season 12’s reception.

Lois: Peter, where do checks come from?

Peter: Uh... when a mommy and daddy love each other?

JCM: Way more checks come when mommy and daddy become sick of each other and have to hire lawyers.

Lois: That's why.

Clappy: Sounds like a subliminal message from the Family Guy writing staff that they are as tired of Peter’s bullshit as the rest of us are, but they know what brings money to their paychecks.

Peter: Lois, I want my own checkbook, and I want it now!

Jjs: Then court a mommy and daddy checkbook together!

Stewie: Ooh, I like when Dad talks tough.

Clappy: You call sounding like a two year old throwing a tantrum talking tough?

JCM: That’s how Trump got elected.

He sounds like Dirty Harry

[Cutaway to Dirty Harry pointing a gun]

Dirty Harry: You got to ask yourself one question: “Do I feel lucky?” Well, do ya, punk?

Leprechaun: [smugly] Oh, Mr. Harry, you're really not gonna like what I have to say.

Jjs: Well? Don’t leave us hanging!

Clappy: Don’t ask “why a leprechaun?" That’s what the show wants you to ask.

[At Quahog Savings and Loan, Peter and Lois approach an employee’s desk]

Employee: Hi. What can I do for you?

Peter: Yes, I was wondering, where is the room where I can roll around nude with my money?

Jjs: This is the moment Peter became Scrooge McDuck.

Clappy: Priorities.

JCM: I’m glad he clarified the nudity aspect or there would have been some serious misunderstandings.

Employee: I'm sorry?

JCM: No more than I am for picking this episode.

Peter: [annoyed] No, I'm sorry. I thought this was a bank.

Jjs: Peter never learned what a Savings and Loan building is until today.

Clappy: Then who expended all of his other expensive shenanigans?

I see economics classes were never his forte. The most depth we’ve had to Peter’s character in forever.

Lois: I'll handle this. My husband wants to open a checking account.

Employee: Okay, well, first, I'll need to see a photo I.D. and a birth certificate.

Peter: Of course. I keep all my important papers in my bosom. [pulls papers out of shirt and places them on desk]

Clappy: Like any normal functioning human being would, of course.

JCM: Some people keep their IDs in their wallets but Peter’s too big-brain for that.

Employee: Okay, Justin... Peter... Griffin.

Jjs: Peter was actually me all along? Everything...is so clear now. Wow. Remind me to change my name after this episode.

Lois: It's actually just Peter Griffin.

Clappy: It’s actually Beter Griffin.

JCM: It’s actually Beetle Bailey.

Employee: So… this is not your birth certificate?

Lois: [taking a closer look at the certificate] Oh, my God! Your first name is Justin?!

Peter: It is?! [she hands him it] Wow, I never noticed that!

Jjs: When was the last time Lois and Peter looked at this birth certificate? And for that matter, Peter’s family never bothered to tell him this either? This is the worst retcon in tv history!

Clappy: Most forced retcon in tv history. I get that Family Guy has never really given two shits about continuity except for their own jokes or plot details like Quagmire/Brian hating each other, but this is literally scraping the bottom of the barrel for stupid subplots.

Justin Griffin. Huh, I like the sound of that. I'm a Justin! This is awesome! This changes everything!

Clappy: - for five to seven minutes, until we get to the real plot and forget this happened completely.

Jjs: As a fellow Justin, we do not claim him.

Lois: Peter, it doesn't change a thing.

Clappy: See? Even Lois wants to just get to the plot already.

JCM: There was supposed to be a plot????

You're still the exact same person.

Peter: [shown shirtless and ready to ride off on a bike] I beg to differ.

[Griffins are in the living room watching tv]

Jjs: Take a shot every time this happens in an episode, because it feels like it’s a staple of every episode we’ve riffed thus far.

Clappy is dead from alcohol poisoning from watching the Griffins watching tv one too many times. This riffing theater has found a suitable replacement named Dustin…who some would say had identical viewpoints to Clappy towards this episode.

Announcer: And now, international news from Al Jarreau Jazeera.

Al Jarreau: ♪ Car bomb in Syria ♪

♪ Skididdly boom-bop a Dee, yeah ♪

♪ 37 people k*ll ♪

♪ Ooh, the people are dead. ♪

Jjs: Al Jarreau’s discography has taken a strange turn in recent years.

Dustin: Apologies to all Middle Eastern people, everywhere!

JCM: Wait til Dustin watches Turban Cowboy.

[Peter walks in with a “cool” skater boy outfit]

Jjs: You’re about 13 years late to the Sk8er Boi craze there. It’s only fitting since Peter didn’t learn how money works (and his real name for that matter) until today, he’s a tad behind on the times. Look at this depth!

Dustin: Nothing screams hilarious more than a 40 something year old man who just discovered his name is Justin and is suddenly a skater boy.

Peter: Hey, Lois, you seen my hiking boots? I need 'em later for park soccer.

Dustin: Those two things don’t match up at all. ‘Hilarious.'

Lois: Peter, why the hell do you look like that?

Peter: Uh, my name isn't Peter. My name is Justin. I'm living a Justin lifestyle, and so is my family. [picks up Stewie] You want to go to a concert? Huh? Want to go to a loud concert?

Dustin: That’s what all Justin’s do!? I need confirmation from a Justin that all Justin's must be athletic punk rockers.

Jjs: Cannot confirm.

JCM: I have the same first and last letter as a Justin but the most punk rock thing about me is my Yu-Gi-Oh collection.

Stewie: No.

Peter: Since I'm your cool father Justin, we should bond with skin-to-skin contact. How about Justin takes his shirt off, and we can get some photos of you on Justin's belly? [takes off his shirt and Stewie’s, then places Stewie near his chest, who listens]

Dustin: And all Justins molest their children.

Stewie: Your heartbeat is weird. It is not consistent at all.

Jjs: Thanks for the analysis, Dr. Stew.

Peter: Okay, let's go for a ride in my open Jeep. I took the doors off, so it's extra terrifying. [walks off with Stewie]

Jjs: Man, I’ve been living the Justin lifestyle completely wrong all this time.

Dustin: Something tells me that changing your life to being somebody else is just a ruse when in reality you’re still the same terrible reckless Peter that you always were and-

-oh fuck it. I can’t commit to this bit. Just like Family Guy can’t commit to this stupid subplot. Clappy’s alive everybody!

JCM: Good thing Peter totally forgot about opening a checking account after learning what his real name was.

Meg: Geez, this Justin phase of Dad's is kind of weird.

Clappy: How is it weirder than more than half the shit he’s gotten away with...this season…these last few years…this show’s existence!?

Lois: Eh, not as weird as his karaoke phase.

[Cutaway to Lois looking in the sink, disgusted]

Lois: Peter, did you throw up in the sink?

Jjs: Did you throw up in the sink?

JCM: We all know this answer to this.

[Peter is shown with a karaoke machine, as “Baba O’Riley” by The Who begins to play]

Jjs: I don’t think that’s the answer she’s looking for, but creative nonetheless.

Clappy: The Who did it? We should have known!

Lois: Peter?

[The song’s intro keeps playing, as Peter taps his foot for a while. Drums finally kick in, but no lyrics yet. Peter begins mimicking a drum gesture with his hands.]

Jjs: Remember that hard working animators were paid to make this sequence.

Clappy: For those of you who have never heard this song, I got two things to say. First of all, listen to it. Now. One of the best songs ever made. Second, the vocals for this song don’t start for over a minute. At least the Conway Twitty jokes have something going on during their overloaded run times. Where is the joke here? That Peter is avoiding the inevitable reveal that it was his fault? That this song is so awesome that Lois will be less mad? Have a fucking point.

JCM: The cutaway gags that are literally a minute of nothing are the biggest insults to the audience in a show that seemingly thrived on finding new ways to insult the audience in its later seasons.

Peter: ♪ Out here in the fields ♪

Jjs: Ooh, clever reference to Peter abandoning Meg in the field earlier!

Yeah, that was me, I was the one who threw up in the sink.

♪ I farm for my meals... ♪

Jjs: We the people were robbed of a full Baba O’Riley Peter karaoke performance. Honestly, as pointless as this was, I would’ve preferred more of this over what we’re about to see. Yes, that is quite a red flag of how low the bar is gonna get. :bruh: 

Clappy: Honestly for as painstakingly time consuming as this was, Jjs is right. Please shave five total minutes from the main plot next time guys.

[Peter is in Chris’s room, cutting a paper]

Chris: Dad, what are you doing in here?

Jjs: What are you doing in here, huh wise guy???

Peter: Oh, hey, Chris. I just figured now that I'm Justin, I should start a Sweet News wall for stuff I think is totally sweet. [points to the now decorated wall] Big puffy clouds are very sweet. Big hamburgers. Small hamburgers, too. Sliders, I think they're called. Ranch. Here's just a picture of a vest. Pretty sweet. Palm trees are very sweet, 'cause, like, the beach.

Jjs: This Wall Is Freakin’ Sweet!

JCM: I agree that beaches have palm trees.

Chris: This is my room, Dad.

Clappy: Hilarious insight as always Chris.

Peter: The band Guster is the sweetest band of all time. It was tough, 'cause I had to move all my O.A.R. stuff to fit the Guster stuff.

Jjs: The true sign you're Justin: being a Guster stan, apparently. News to me. Maybe I don’t deserve to be Justin anymore, which, fair enough. Convinces me even further to change my name now, I'm feeling Mr. Goodman.

Clappy: Guster? O.A.R.? These are the bands skater punks are listening to today?! Really?! How do you do fellow kids!?!

Lois: Peter, get out of Chris's room.

Peter: Oh, hey, Mama. Hey, you seen my copy of "Into the Wild"? I like to have it on my person at all times in case I need a quick "inspo sesh." Oh, did I tell you I'm gonna be doing a lot of abbreve's?

JCM: This is vry dmb.

Clappy: You’re like six years past the peak expiration date on that pop culture reference there, “Justin.”

Lois: Peter, you sound like an idiot.

Jjs: That’s far from the worst instance of it in this episode.

Clappy: Then do something about it instead of constantly nagging there, Lois.

And did you put a skateboard in the washing machine? It's gonna cost several hundred dollars to repair.

Jjs: When in debt, trust the post-it notes!

Clappy: And here I was about to make a note about paying via post it notes.

Peter: How we do, Lois. All we do. You ever get in the pocket of a wave?

JCM: I feel like we need a translation at this point. This is getting ridiculous.

Lois: Peter, you know I haven't. And I know for a fact that you haven't, either.

Clappy: If so, the size of the surfboard would have done some serious damage to the washing machine more so than the skateboard already did.

Peter: In the pocket. Some gnarlies out there. Some gnar-gnars.

Jjs: Now he’s just trying to be Grubby Grouper.

JCM: Let’s hope his experience in this episode is more like Scooter’s than Grubby Grouper’s.

Was in one today. It's like the rest of the world just shuts off, and all that matters is you and Lady Blue. And you know what she said to me? You're great. Keep it cool, Lois. K-E-W-L. [jumps out of window]

Jjs: Before you ask why he didn’t break his leg, it’s because he’s a Justin.

Clappy: Next time on the adventures of Justin Griffin: skydiving…oh wait we already did that-

[Later in the night, a party is being held at the Griffin household, with many party goers outside. Dance music pulses. Inside, Peter is wearing flashy clothes and gulping down beer, while Chris is dancing shirtless. The room is a mess.]

Jjs: Didn't know Euphoria was filming in Quahog for Season 3.

Clappy: They’re teenagers. Sorry to spoil the plot twist, but let’s be honest. This is not an adult themed party. These are edgy high school parties. Quagmire isn’t the only one who should be arrested by the time this episode wraps.

JCM: In the eyes of this episode, nobody over 20 has ever been named Justin.

Guy: [to Meg] So, you want to go upstairs?

Meg: Sure.

Guy: Great. Go.

Clappy: Simple joke is simple.

[Meg sadly walks upstairs,

Jjs: To be fair, you kinda deserve that for not helping your father out of a fiery explosion.

JCM: He got better…eventually.

while Quagmire approaches Peter with a girl]

Quagmire: Hey, Justin, I wanted to introduce you to Keira. She's the one who brought four loose Sierra Nevadas.

Jjs: This episode of Family Guy is brought to you by…

Clappy: By the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration. Fully grown middle aged men shouldn’t be partying and drinking with teenagers. Stop. Get help.

Peter: Keira! You totally rock for bringing those.

JCM: Usually it’s creepy old men buying beer for teenage girls but they decided to shake things up a bit here.

Jjs: I’m sure we’ll totally learn a lot about Keira. /s

Clappy: That’s all we’ll learn about Keira isn’t it? That she hooks them up with a drink that they are old enough to buy on their own.

[Lois angrily opens the door]

Lois: Peter, what the hell is going on!?

JCM: Who’s Peter? I thought it was Justin throwing this party.

Teenager: Oh, dude, is that your mom?

Lois: No, I'm not his mom, you little bastard.

Clappy: N0gEbLB7HxDzSDfmBG8T6dWUwPlH7_QTVPPb9YUo

Peter: That "little bastard" knows how to smoke pot out of an apple.

Jjs: Euphoria’s got nothing on crazy, drug fueled teen parties like this!

Clappy: Smoking pot out of an apple > your wife.

JCM: Just like Peter, I mean Justin, to be more impressed by an apple bong than anything his wife has ever done.

Lois: All right, everyone out of here! [everyone rushes out]

Jjs: Get out of here, you moochers! Except you, you stay:


I've had enough of this Justin nonsense!

Clappy: Sorry Jjs. It’s been nice knowing ya.

JCM: If the goal of the Justin plot was to get every Justin in the world canceled, I can’t say that it wasn’t effective at that.

Tomorrow we're going to city hall to legally change your name back to Peter.

Jjs: Thank you Lois.

Peter: All right, fine. But I got to say, being Justin was quite an adventure.

Clappy: Really? Sounds like just another Sunday night in the wonderful world of Family Guy.

Like when I found where the Wild Things were.

[Cutaway to Wild Things dancing around a campfire, then gunshots, killing them off. Peter approaches Max, who is horrified]

Peter: I owe you, Max. You led me right to 'em. All right, now help me grind their horns into boner pills.

Jjs: Boner pills made by Wild Things are not FDA approved.

Clappy: To those of you who actually watched the show. Who saw this cutaway coming from a mile away? Family Guy. Going for the same shock value joke at the expense of your childhood. For years.

JCM: I have no special connection to Where the Wild Things Are, but even I had to take a break from the episode after this cutaway. It’s just the show being gruesome for the sake of being gruesome once again.

[Quagmire is on his couch with Keira, clothes scattered everywhere]

Quagmire: Keira, that was an amazing night. Sorry I can't drive you to work. I gotta go sit in my den until you leave.

Clappy: Quagmire. Being a misogynistic pig. For years.

JCM: At least he didn’t bother trying to come up with a credible excuse to kick her out.

Kira: Oh, that's okay. I'll just take the school bus.

Quagmire: Wait, what? You... you drive a school bus?

Jjs: Quahog’s bus driver shortage has been tough and they gotta hire whoever.

Kira: [giggling] No, silly, I take the bus. I'm in high school.

Clappy: What gave it away? The type of drink she bought illegally?

Quagmire: [shocked] You said you were 23!

JCM: Apparently, children lie about their ages to do things they aren’t supposed to do. I’m not sure how old Quagmire is, and I don’t care, but he should be old enough to know that.

Keira: Yeah, and you said you love me.

Quagmire: Well, I guess you got me there.

Jjs: Who else but QUAGMIRE!?

Clappy: He’s Quagmire. Quagmire. You never really know WHO he’s going to do next.

[Door knocking. Quagmire answers it to see Joe with cops]

Jjs: To Catch a Predator: Family Guy Edition

Joe: Hey, Quagmire, sorry to bother you, but we're following up on a tip. Did you have sex with this underage girl?

Jjs: I presume one of the party goers ratted him out? Otherwise, not sure who this tip would be from or how they’d get it so quickly. I know, I am thinking about this way too much!

Clappy: Incredibly valid point though. How exactly did the police get the tip? Was it one of Keira’s friends who has more brain cells than all of the main cast combined? Or maybe it was Peter being smarter than certainly I gave him credit for? All I’m asking is for someone to connect the dots here for logic’s sake.

JCM: Quagmire probably bragged to Joe about it before he blacked out and forgot he was statutory raping someone.

Quagmire: I don't want to go to jail, but I really want to take credit.

Clappy: Huge red flag here. That’s all you need to know about how deplorable Quagmire is as a character. Not only does he not want to do the time, but he wants to bask in his crime. And before anyone tells me it’s just a cartoon, this is the same medium that people want to be taken more seriously because animation can be for adults too.  And there are good adult animated cartoons out there that can handle real life topics and issues seriously. Then there is Family Guy, who wants to just literally dick around serious crimes like this as “I know bad thing is bad, but I want to highlight what I did is immoral yet awesome anyway! It’s not like people will take this seriously since it’s just a cartoon.”

JCM: There are definitely viewers and maybe even people in the writers’ room who thought what Quagmire did was “awesome” and this is not a show you can expect to dissuade any of those people.

Joe: Quagmire, I'm afraid you're under arrest for statutory rape.

Jjs: Don’t even bother calling Saul because this case is a big no even for his standards.

Quagmire: [sighs] All right, but let me just send the pictures I took of her last night to all my friends.

Joe: [Joe's cell phone buzzes, looks at the pictures] Oh, yeah! Boom!

Jjs: Defund the Quahog police immediately.

JCM: You know Joe’s a cop when he’s openly doing terrible things without consequence.

Clappy: And in the real world, Joe is arrested for having child pornography on his phone.

You're disgusting. Take him away. We've got all the awesome evidence we need.

Jjs: Hey Dhar Mann Fam! Always remember: Never change your name or it’ll cause one of your friends to commit statutory rape, apparently. Just in case you guys needed a recap to see how bizarre this episode’s “set-up” has been. I know by this point, it’s Family Guy, I’m not expecting an artisan story structure, but there had to be a more clever way to get to the point than this whack ass method.

Clappy: Family Guy says statutory rape is awesome.

JCM: Justin case you ever think about changing your name to Justin, think about the children that can potentially be affected by your rash decision, and think again. This was a Public Service Announcement by the Organization for a Just, Justin-less World.

[Griffins are in their living room, when the doorbell rings. Peter answers it to see Quagmire.]

Quagmire: [reading from card] “Hello, my name is Glenn Quagmire. I am a neighbor of yours on Spooner Street. I am here to inform you that I am a sex offender.”

Jjs: *shuts door*

Clappy: You’re thirteen seasons late to your informing there, Glenn.

Peter: It seems as though you could have had some of that memorized.

Lois: Glenn, what the hell's going on?

Jjs: "What the Hell" happens to be another subtle reference to Avril Lavigne’s discography.

Clappy: And here is Lois repeating her episodic catchphrase.

Quagmire: It turns out that girl I took home from Peter's party last night is in high school.

JCM: Surprising exactly nobody except him.

Lois: Oh, my God!

Peter: Does this mean you're gonna move to Europe to make movies?

Jjs: Legends say in Family Guy canon, Quagmire would actually go on to have a brief acting stint in Polanski movies.

Lois: How in the world did you not know she was underage?

Clappy: Valid question here from Lois. What was so oblivious to Quagmire? The cheap alcohol? The teenagers asking if Lois was Peter’s mom? Her calling the teens little bastards? All giant red flags if you ask me.

Quagmire: Well, in retrospect, she did ask a lot of questions about To Kill a Mockingbird.

Jjs: Here’s our first and only character trait about Keira: she reads To Kill a Mockingbird for class. I hope you enjoy this piece of character backstory.

Clappy: Har har. Quagmire is ignorantly oblivious by this point and will have sex with anyone.

JCM: It’s very normal to grill people about answers to your book reports during one-night stands, isn’t it?

Brian: Should have sent her my way. I love that book. Oh, Gregory Peck-- whew!

Jjs: Looks like there’s another character in this room that may end up reading from that same card.

Clappy: I’m surprised that he hasn’t read from the same card yet after that one episode with a subplot about Brian wanting to have sex with Meg’s friend.

Quagmire: Anyway, now I gotta go in front of a judge.

Peter: Really? Number one or number two? Our judicial system is so broken.

JCM: You gotta do what you gotta do.

Jjs: He pleads the 5th, actually.

Clappy: To be fair, our political landscape has been number two as of late.

Lois: No, Peter--Glenn has to go to court.

Quagmire: That’s right. And there's not even a defense for statutory rape. Once the girl proves her age, that's it: you're guilty.

Peter: You know what I tried today? A fig.

Jjs: Budget couldn’t afford a cutaway for that one, huh?

Clappy: That’s such a Peter thing to do. Definitely not Justin any more, huh?

JCM: Peter desperately clinging to what little relevance he still has in this episode is sad.

Quagmire: I have a hearing tomorrow morning. I may have to go to jail.

Jjs: Damn, Quahog’s courts really want to get this case over with already, can’t say that I blame ‘em.

Clappy: Well to be fair, they have all the “awesome evidence” that they need to lock him up.

My only hope for leniency is to bring in character witnesses and show the court I'm not the monster they say I am.

Clappy: Buddy. We’ve got episodes on top of episodes on top of episodes of proof as to how much of a monster you are. Stop trying to make the statutory rapist a sympathetic figure. How’s that for a Family Guy challenge?

Lois: Well, Peter would be happy to support you.

Jjs: I guess she’s forgotten how Peter’s performed on the stand before.

Peter: Yeah, you betcha, Quagmire. I'm very persuasive.

Clappy: mzuUb84je-VQqoQr5HKJoYwoMddmtvv-ehnOyYr_

That's why I was so good at selling low-cost car insurance.

[Cutaway shows Peter in a commercial for General Car Insurance. He drives a car with a penguin in the passenger seat.]

JCM: All the money that would have gone into the American Woman cutaway must have gone into this.

Peter: [chanting] White-trash rates from an army guy, here is a penguin, don't know why!

Announcer: The General Car Insurance. It'll worry whoever you hit.

Jjs: This was legit the only good part of the episode, if only for this dope penguin.


Clappy: I agree. Making fun of a trash insurance company is my favorite part of this episode too.

[At Quahog Courthouse, Peter is on the stand and the family is in the audience]

Jjs: Brace yourselves, this is gonna put Depp v. Heard to shame.

Clappy: Accurate metaphor from the J man because Family Guy has already shat the bed in terms of trying to make us sympathetic for Quagmire. It can only get shittier from here.

Stewie: I can't believe Quagmire and that girl had sex. Which is hugging someone really hard with your legs.

Jjs: Okay, maybe my Family Guy lore is spotty, but I’m pretty sure Stewie knows what sex actually is by this point right? That’s a minor nitpick compared to the incoming court disaster.

Clappy: I’m pretty sure just a few episodes around the time of this one, Stewie was pregnant with Brian’s babies. Granted, they didn’t have sex then but I’m almost positive this oversight is a stretch.

Brian: Nope.

Stewie: Well, you'll tell me if I get it, though, right?

Brian: Nope.

Brian: Yeah, I'll tell you if you get it.

Stewie: Okay, I'm gonna get it.

Jjs: I’m on the edge of my seat for this whacky court subplot-and it’s not gonna go anywhere, is it?

Clappy: We’re all losers here anyway, so good luck figuring out that puzzle Stewie.

Judge: Now, Mr. Griffin, I understand you're here to speak on Mr. Quagmire's behalf.

Peter: That's right, Your Honor. And as we know, according to Game of Thrones, if the girl has had her blood, she is good to go. Has the girl had her blood? Answer the question!

Jjs: I genuinely can’t tell if this or Season 8 is more embarrassing.

Clappy: Why not both?

Judge: Mr. Griffin, she was underage.

Peter: Yes, however, Mr. Quagmire was born on February 29th. Ergo, he's only 12. Ergo, the girl raped him. Argo, Ben Affleck.

JCM: Fargo, Coen Brothers. Am I doing it right?

Jjs: Saul Goodman’s got nothing on defenses like these. Your Honor, my client is a cinephile, not a pedophile.

Clappy: Can’t argue that-wait a minute. Quagmire’s birthday is March 25th according to his license in past episodes. Ergo, what the fuck is continuity in Family Guy?

[Chris stands up and claps]

Jjs: Great contribution, Chris. If I hadn’t made it clear by now, looking back at this show has made me realize Chris is one of the most useless, bland characters.

Clappy: I’m surprised they let Chris out of his bedroom to be honest.

Judge: Mr. Griffin, do you have any evidence that is not based on film or television?

Jjs: So music and video games are not off limits as evidence from what I gather, he left it pretty open ended.

Clappy: That’s a funny joke, Family Guy.  How long can they go without making a pop culture reference is a valid question?

Peter: I don't know. Why don't you ask all these letters to Santa Claus? [Post office workers bring in bags of mail, dumping them everywhere]

Jjs: Well that’s rude, you have to enter that into evidence first. Where’s the respect for the law here? Disgraceful.

JCM: Shouldn’t those post office workers be doing, like, their jobs?

[Cutaway to Santa’s watching tv in his home, as Mrs. Claus walks in]

Mrs. Claus: Something's going on. We haven't gotten mail in a week.

Santa: I--I haven't gotten mail in a week. Nobody writes you.

Jjs: Screen_Shot_2022-08-22_at_2.00.15_PM.png

Clappy: Time to cancel Christmas. Thanks sexist Santa!

[Joe is now on the stand]

Prosecutor: Officer Swanson, I'll remind you that you are under oath. Now, please tell us what Mr. Quagmire said he did with the girl.

Joe: [sighs] He, uh, said he gave her a Frosty Jim.

Jjs: A clever tie-in to the Santa cutaway moments prior, bravo!

Clappy: Whose hall do I have to deck for this?

Prosecutor: And can you please explain to the courtroom what a Frosty Jim is?

Joe: Uh...

Prosecutor: Sir, you're under oath.

Joe: Well, it's when you urinate in a condom, and tie it off, freeze it, and then the woman, um, pretends it's a man.

JCM: Did he learn the Frosty Jim from R. Kelly?

Jjs: Fun fact: This episode got the term added to Urban Dictionary.

Clappy: Thanks Family Guy. Because we all wanted to picture exactly what happened to a minor during statutory rape.

Prosecutor: Thank you.

Joe: He's a good guy!

JCM: Press X to doubt.

Clappy: I don’t care how much you repeat this Family Guy. He raped a child.

[Quagmire head desks. Cleveland is now on stand]

Defender: Mr. Brown, can you please state your occupation for the court?

Cleveland: Aw, come on, man, you didn't ask anyone else to do that!

Clappy: Can’t forget the (at least) one black joke quota per episode. Family Guy sure loves racism as much as Quagmire loves young girls. Who asks for these jokes?!

Why am I on trial?! He's the one that mushed himself on a child!

Chris: When are we gonna see this chick?

Clappy: Priorities as always Chris.

Jjs: As annoying as Chris is, he has a point. Does Keira get any say in this at all, since she’s the victim? This is one of my biggest problems with the episode. We learn nothing about her other than she reads To Kill a Mockingbird, nor do we hear how she feels about this. As much as they want us to take this situation seriously in a few, we can’t when they do nothing to flesh out the victim. Instead they want us to feel sympathy for Quagmire, the perpetrator.

JCM: Keira isn’t a main character so the deck is stacked against her either way. That doesn’t make Chris any less useless, though.

Quagmire: Okay, enough! No more help!

Jjs: I’m not sure what you expected from them as character witnesses, so this one’s kinda on you.

Clappy: They are just painting you as guilty as you actually are.

Cleveland: I'm taking this Bible. [walks away with it]

Jjs: Sure, why not, this “hearing” has been a joke as is.

Quagmire: You want to know what kind of person Glenn Quagmire is?

JCM: Other than an awful one?

You want to know what made me the person I am?

Jjs: Not particularly.

Clappy: Let’s just say there’s a reason no one was clamoring for a spin-off about Glenn Quagmire.

JCM: Thankfully, my man Cleveland stopped it from being a reality. Don’t look up The Quagmire Show theme song if you don’t want your day ruined any more than it has been reading all of this.

Then put me on the stand.

Peter: Lois, can I play Angry Birds on your phone?

Lois: Okay, but only with the sound off. [hands phone]

Peter: Fine. I'll just do it with my mouth. Pa-shooo! [imitates explosion and oinking]

Jjs: Angry Birds happens to be Quahog v. Quagmire’s sponsor!

Clappy: Weirdly enough this now makes two Riffing Theater episodes with an Angry Birds pop culture reference. Can’t say that about any other episode we’ve riffed.

JCM: Most of what the “writers” do when they’re supposed to be writing is playing games on their phones so they have a lot of experience to draw from.

[Quagmire takes the stand]

Judge: Please, go ahead, Mr. Quagmire.

Quagmire: Look, I know everyone's sitting out there judging me today. But before you do, please know I had it pretty rough growing up. My dad was a military man, so he wasn't around much. And my mom, well, let's just say, she was a little promiscuous. In fact, I think my problems started the day I was born.

Jjs: So here’s the other biggest problem with the episode: trying to give Quagmire a deep, serious, sympathetic backstory for his sex pest behavior. This is, in my view, one of the show’s biggest shark jump moments (possibly more than Brian’s death) that I’m surprised isn’t dissed more. I’m just going to say it upfront now, we legitimately did not need any of this. Quagmire never needed a backstory for why he was a creep, that kind of ruins the “joke”, no? We were supposed to not take Quagmire’s behavior seriously for 16 years but now suddenly there’s a “complex, deep” backstory behind it. When the show is now trying to give us “lore” to explain its jokes, you can’t use the “don’t take it seriously” card anymore. This is honestly up there with Star Wars for over explaining stuff that doesn’t need explanations. Everything in this episode completely ruined whatever entertainment Quagmire may have had left as a character. Also, reminder they’re trying to get us to sympathize with a rapist here, but I guess let’s push that aside for the tonal whiplash.

Clappy: Jjs absolutely knocked it out of the park here. This was the most shark jumping moment of the show for me. Even more so than Brian’s death arc. Because I knew that Family Guy didn’t have the balls to commit to keeping that character dead.  When I saw this episode for the first time, my mouth dropped to the floor at how awful of an idea it was to try to give Glenn Quagmire a sad backstory as to why he’s a sexual deviant. Yes, I have been crapping over this episode multiple times for trying to make the audience sympathize for a rapist. I expected them to do that and I’ll keep banging that point over and over again. But actually giving us multiple flashbacks to further explore where Quagmire’s sexual promiscuity came from!? Who actually gives a shit about Quagmire’s trauma. That kind of ruins his character. He’s supposed to be “the comedy character."  Not some complex victim of parental negligence. Like I said a few riffs ago, literally no one wants to know more about this character and it’s awful episodes like this as a reason why.

JCM: Even though we didn’t need to learn Quagmire’s backstory, it would be nice if they had a better explanation for his promiscuity than “his mother didn’t give him enough attention as a child." Like, that’s the laziest explanation you could come up with. Anyone who has taken Psych 101 could have guessed that that’s why Quagmire is how he is. Any TV show or movie with a character who enjoys sex too much (by American standards), even if they don’t go as far as Quagmire does, likely does because one or both parents neglected him or her growing up. Who cares? It’s not an excuse for sticking your dick in a child, and it’s gross that this episode makes it one.

[Flashback to Quagmire coming out of his mother’s womb]

Quagmire: Wah! Wah! Wah!

Doctor: It's a boy, Mrs. Quagmire.

Crystal: Oh, that's wonderful!

Doctor: How do you feel?

Crystal: Horny. Really horny. Could you put him back so I can push him out again?

Clappy: Fun fact. Quagmire’s mom is voiced by multi-time Emmy award winner Allison Janney. I would put the odds on Family Guy thinking that this would finally give them a shot at an Emmy, while Allison Janney probably just did this role for the paycheck and she will win another Emmy before Family Guy even sniffs one.

Quagmire: I was born nine times that day. And things never got easier. The only way I learned my ABC's was by learning the names of all the guys my mom slept with.

Jjs: Quagmire: A Family Guy Story. I hope this satisfies your Quagmire backstory questions for the five people who were interested.

[Flashback to kid Quagmire singing at the front of a classroom]

Quagmire: ♪ Art, Bob, Chet, Don, Ed, Frank, Gus ♪

♪ Hal, Irv, John, Ken, Lew-Matt-Ned-Ox-Pat ♪

♪ Quint, Ron, Sam, Tom, Ulf, Vic ♪

♪ Walter, Xavier, Yaz and Zeke ♪

♪ Those are just some of the guys ♪

♪ There are lots of other guys. ♪

Jjs: Quagmire’s mom slept with Gustavo Fring and Walter White?

Clappy: For your Emmy consideration.

JCM: If the joke is supposed to be that Quagmire’s mom got around, I got it 17 letters ago.

Quagmire: It was awful. I didn't even get to go to my high school prom. But my mom did.

[Flashback to teenage Quagmire in the living room, when the doorbell rings. He answers it to see Ronnie]

Ronnie: Hey, is Crystal ready?

Quagmire: Oh, hi, Ronnie. Hey, listen, have my mom home by midnight, okay?

Ronnie: How about I plow her in the limo and have her home in 20 minutes?

Quagmire: Ah, come on, Ronnie, she bought the dress.

Jjs: Reminder we’re supposed to be taking this seriously, allegedly.

Clappy: Tragic. Heartbreaking. Maybe you not going to prom explains why you wanted to have sex with a seventeen year old girl, you sadistic sack of shit?

JCM: I love how young Quagmire is more aware of people’s feelings than adult Glenn “Sit In My Den Until You Leave” Quagmire is.

Quagmire: So, you see, Your Honor, thanks to my mom, I never had a chance to be like everyone else. My misguided carnal instincts are the result of being raised by a sexual deviant. All I'm asking is that you give me the break that my childhood never did.

Jjs: Awful excuse aside, I love how he’s had to do more of the “defending” than his own attorney. That’s public defenders for you!

Clappy: PxT6ggByAhMQcIuukH0Ubii29AL01aQSszI13XE4

Stewie: [whispering to Brian] Dairy Queen closes in ten minutes.

[Brian and him leave the courtroom]

Jjs: Man, we were robbed of Brian and Stewie’s Dairy Queen adventure too.

Clappy: Take me with you.

JCM: Anybody with a brain would prefer a Dairy Queen Blizzard over listening to Quagmire complain about his mommy issues.

Judge: Mr. Quagmire, your story is a sad one, but that doesn't excuse your actions. I have no choice but to sentence you to twenty years in prison!

[Judge bangs his gavel, everyone gasps]

Jjs: I’m legit shocked they didn’t do the “Oh no!” Kool Aid Man gag again here, so credit for some unpredictability. Or was his absence just another budget cut?

Clappy: Family Guy subverting our expectations by not beating a dead meme to the ground? Did not see that one coming.

Crystal: Oh no you don't!

[Everyone looks to the courtroom to discover an elderly Crystal at the door]

Quagmire: Mom?

All the men in the courtroom: Crystal?

JCM: SpongeBob?

Adam West: Ha! She's enjoyed many men.

Jjs: Thank you Mayor Adam West for explaining the joke! 👍

Clappy: Hate to say it but they really didn’t utilize Adam West all that well towards the end there. RIP.

Quagmire: Mom, what are you doing here?

Peter: You know, I'm carrying three handguns, and the metal detectors picked up nothing.

JCM: Typical American.

Jjs: I sure hope Quahog’s court security has improved since this.

Clappy: Lock him up!

Crystal: Your Honor, as the defendant's mother, I ask that you show mercy on him.

Mother: Well, as the victim's mother, I ask that you go to hell!

Jjs: Oh, my bad, I forgot we get to hear this one line of dialogue from Keira’s mother. There’s your “nuance” to the situation.

JCM: Now the writers can claim we’ve heard “both sides” of this despite one side doing 99% of the talking. They must come from cable news.

Clappy: “Mother” is the most relatable character of this entire episode.

Chris: Where is your daughter? Show her to us!

Jjs: Chris once again with the valid question, just not for the right reason.

Clappy: I think we just maxed out our Chris usage per episode. Time to put him back in irrelevancy for the rest of the episode.

Crystal: Your Honor, I have renounced my sinful past, and have been washed in the blood of the Lord Jesus Christ.

JCM: Good for you?

Jjs: Sure, let’s mix religion into an episode that was supposed to be about statutory rape. Because y’know, mocking religion went over so well the last few times on this show.

Clappy: Hasn’t the FG creative team learned by now that there is no use mixing religion into this show by now? All the characters are going to hell whichever way they try to put a religious spin onto this show.

Quagmire: You what?!

Crystal: I have seen the righteous path of our Savior, and ask that you not sentence my son to jail, but instead release him to my custody so that I, with God's guidance, can rehabilitate him.

Clappy: It was at this exact moment the first time I watched it that I knew how this episode was going to end. Not going to spoil it until we get there, but yeah. This show is not that subtle at foreshadowing.

JCM: Unless “rehabilitation” means slapping the giggity out of him, I don’t think it will be very effective.

Peter: Wow, Quagmire's mom is a Jesus freak. I haven't been this surprised since we went to that restaurant on my birthday.

Jjs: Just what this “emotional, serious moment” needed: a cutaway, right on cue!

Clappy: One of the few instances in the latter seasons that I’ll gladly take a cutaway to cut away from this bullshit story.

[Cutaway to the Griffins at a restaurant]

Peter: All right, guys, let's pay the check and get out of here.

[Restaurant employees appear and begin singing Happy Birthday]

Restaurant Employees: ♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

Peter: You guys! [Peter delightfully smiles and his face is stuck in that position]

Clappy: Sounds like someone didn’t listen to Mr. Krabs' lesson on face freezing.

Restaurant Employees: ♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

♪ Happy Birthday, dear Peter ♪

♪ Happy Birthday to you. ♪

[Clapping. Peter’s face is still frozen.]

Jjs: Face Freeze is no laughing matter and I don’t intend to make light of it.

Lois: Aren't you gonna blow out your candles, Peter?

Meg: Mom, I think something's wrong with Dad.

Lois: Peter? Peter?! Oh, my God! Help! Someone call 911!

JCM: “Operator, my husband won’t stop smiling after being surprised for his birthday! What do I do? Hello?”

Employee: It's okay, ma'am. This happens here at Bennigan's all the time.

[Peter’s body is dragged away by two employees and placed in a gallery of other face frozen people]

Clappy: What is this feeling that I am feeling inside? Is that a brief giggle or chuckle?

Lois: How long does this last?

Employee: Hard to say. It's best to just move on. [feels her face]

[A tear falls down the frozen Peter’s face]

Jjs: I eagerly need to know how Peter escaped this dire situation. This cutaway provided us a scary insight into Bennigan’s shady business practices that I’m upset we won’t see continued. Keep this in mind the next time you ever enter one.

Clappy: Okay you all got me. This cutaway actually made me laugh. Fuck. How is it that the only two good moments in this horrendous episode are the cutaways? But that being said…

Judge: I'm sorry, Mrs. Quagmire, but my sentence stands. 20 years. Mr. Quagmire, I'll give you 24 hours to get your affairs in order.

JCM: There’s a reason real-life judges don’t do this. If I was told I was going to prison for 20 years, the only affairs I would be getting in order once I left the courtroom would be for my extended stay in Mexico.

Jjs: Now that we got the comic relief out of the way, back to taking this seriously…maybe. I give it ten seconds.

Clappy: …that previous cutaway would have been so much more effective if they positioned it outside of what was supposed to be a serious scene. Even the next scene at Quagmire’s house (spoiler) would have been better timed than during the courtroom scene.

Quagmire: Oh, my God.

Peter: Ah, don't think of it as twenty years, think of it as two ten-year-olds ya sick freak.

Jjs: Even though you defended him earlier with contrived media references, but I suppose Peter does love playing both sides.

Clappy: What happened to the “but he’s a good guy” defense? I mean he’s not and he is a “sick freak." But are we supposed to completely forget about that and go back to Peter being an unlikeable piece of shit for the “laughs."

JCM: The most shocking thing to me about this line is the fact that Peter can divide by 2.

[Everyone is shown in Quagmire’s house, distraught at the news]

Jjs: Another element that bothers me about this episode is how most of the characters casually shrug “okay” to what Quagmire did which further contributes to the tonal confusion of this episode. I understand some of them like Peter being ignorant, but others such as Lois and Bonnie supporting him after this feels wrong and out of character. But oh well, he has a sad, sympathetic backstory, so it’s fine.

Quagmire: God, 20 years.

Clappy: Very minuscule nitpicking that drives me up a wall, but probably only me here. I hate hate hate hate hate when Family Guy constantly reminds us what we previously figured out five to ten seconds ago. There are some instances where I get that’s where the commercial break is supposed to be, but even in this episode when I first watched it on Adult Swim, there was no commercial break at this point and it just felt so awkwardly placed in.

Crystal: I know this is a hard time for you, but you need to seek forgiveness. You need to kneel before Jesus.

Peter: Oh, he's gonna be kneeling in front of a lot of guys, but I doubt he'll catch their names. It's usually somebody pushing your skull in the dark. There are really no introductions.


Clappy: Family Guy loves their prison gay jokes.

Crystal: Remember, He is inside you all the time.

Peter: Oh, n-now she's just setting me up. Right?

Jjs: Why even riff if they’re gonna do it for us? Rude.

Clappy: We already turned down your application ten times Peter. You’re not going to be on the riffing team.

JCM: If Peter didn’t do a single thing after changing his name back from Justin, nothing about this episode would be different.

Quagmire: How dare you come in here and tell me to seek forgiveness! Where do you get off?!

Stewie: Pretty much everywhere, I hear. Fat man's right-- they're making this easy.

Jjs: *winks* Thanks Stewie for explaining the meta joke for us! 👍

Clappy: We already turned down your application ten times Stewie. You’re not going to be on the riffing team.

JCM: Slut shaming, check. Defending statutory rape, check. Look how far we’ve come!

Quagmire: You've never apologized once for the way you raised me! You're the one who made me what I am!

Brian: Oh, come on, Quagmire, you're a grown man, responsible for his own choices. Seems kind of cowardly to blame someone else for your problems.

Jjs: Honestly the smartest thing Brian has said in ages.

Clappy: When Brian is the most likable character in this episode, you know you've messed up your rancid morals.

Stewie: Brian abandoned his own son, by the way.

Jjs: True tho

Clappy: Don’t remind me. I was just starting to find him salvageable.

JCM: Like there’s anyone on this show who isn’t a total hypocrite.

Quagmire: Why are you, of all people, defending a religious nut? Aren't you an Atheist?

Jjs: It was on the news, after all! 

Clappy:  LyKhr6Z2DW8S1L_p2tRhnO3w-6tZUEKIw_HkYhMV

Brian: [chuckling] Yeah, it's crazy. You can think about that while you're in jail.

Clappy: kOJ9BY1q0t7-woYADij9b9WCBE10MZia2DzuvQEI

JCM: Brilliant deflection by everyone’s favorite Author Avatar Who Also Sniffs His Own Butt Sometimes!

Crystal: Glenn, we're not going to get anywhere questioning God's wisdom. He has a plan for everything.

Jjs: His plan apparently included for Peter to change his name thus setting off a snowball leading Quagmire into his current situation.

Clappy: I wish He planned on you facing repercussions for your actions.

Quagmire: Oh, now I get it. That's why you found God. So you can absolve yourself of any responsibility and answer everything with empty platitudes.

Clappy: Well the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree. You tried absolving yourself from your actions by throwing all the blame on your mother and how she raised you. Granted, you’re clearly an atheist because you’re voiced by Seth MacFarlane so you have to have his sort of viewpoints. But tell me how you’ve been acting this entire episode isn’t too different from your mother, you selfish prick?

Face it, you're a worse parent than Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie.

[Cutaway to Brad and Angelina in therapy]

Therapist: I'm concerned about Pax, Maddox, and Shiloh. They're having trouble adapting. They've been raised with 11 languages, and really don't speak any.

Angelina: I hear you, Doctor. So... you're saying we should give them all faux-hawks?

Therapist: No. I think they need intensive therapy.

Brad: Let me see if I understand you. Even shorter on the sides?

Jjs: Boy, this cutaway did not age well given recent events.

Clappy: Poor timing after hearing the latest rumors about their dysfunctional relationship, otherwise absolutely useless as most cutaways are.

JCM: We’ve had parents commit all kinds of abuse on their children and some even murder their children, but Brad and Angelina are the worst because…they give their kids fawx-hawks?

Crystal: Don't you see? This is your chance to open your heart and let God in. I know this jail sentence seems long, but salvation can last all eternity.

Peter: [bored] You know what else lasts an eternity? This conversation.

Jjs: I’m headcanoning this wasn’t scripted and instead Seth venting out his innermost thoughts since he didn’t have the heart to tell the writers upfront.

Clappy: Peter once again trying to get his one line per scene quota. Also pointing out the obvious doesn’t equal laughs Family Guy.

JCM: The writers think they’re so profound when they need lame jokes and cutaway gags to keep any of these serious moments interesting.

Crystal: And maybe through our shared relationship with the Lord, we can begin to build a bond as mother and son.

Quagmire: Mother and son?! Mothers love their children! They nurture them and protect them! You've never done a thing for me! I'd rather rot in jail than sit here and listen to all your crap! [angrily leaves]

Jjs: Enjoy this forced attempt at angsty serious character drama. Remember, before it was okay to not take Quagmire’s sex pest behavior seriously, but now you have to feel bad for him due to his evil mother being responsible for everything.

Clappy: By all means do. Your dysfunctional relationship with your mother is just fluff to hide the fact that you’re a terrible piece of human garbage.

Crystal: [sighs] Glenn's right. I was never there for him. I've got to find some way to fix this.

Stewie: Did you hear about your ex-husband yet? He had a, uh, procedure.

Jjs: You know, good thing Stewie reminded me: Where was Ida during all of this? Surely she would’ve been alerted about what’s going on with her son? And Seth voices her so this makes her absence more baffling. Budget cuts really must have been rough.

Clappy: Ida wouldn’t have made too much of a difference either way if you ask me. They clearly are just picking and choosing their spots at this point to hammer down this wretched story and the less associated with it, the better.

[Everyone is seen standing outside of the Quahog Prison. Quagmire is ready to accept his fate.]

Jjs: You chose the Jail Ending.

Stewie: You know, some families take their baby to the zoo. That's also a fun activity.

Jjs: Taking a baby to see a family friend get locked away is one of the most common family bonding experiences though.

Clappy: That’s nothing especially when they can watch their sex offender neighbor get locked up for twenty years.

Quagmire: I'm really gonna miss all you guys.

JCM: I wish I could say the feeling was mutual, but uh

Jjs: Even after your three best friends botched their testimonies and ruined whatever remaining slim chances you had. Nothing like a true bonafide companionship right there!

Brian: And I'll think of you whenever I choke on a link sausage.

Clappy: The feeling is mutual.

Take care, buddy. [quickly gets in car and drives off, tires screeching] Oh, yeah! Fresh air! Freedom!

Jjs: Brian hates Quagmire, in case you guys didn’t realize.

Quagmire: Peter, while I'm away, I want you to hold onto my antique, gold Rolex watch. [holds out watch]

Clappy: And say goodbye to the watch. Anyone who is shocked by the spoiler gives this show the credit it doesn’t deserve.

Peter: Oh cool, a throwing watch!

Quagmire: No, no, Peter, it-- and I cannot stress this enough-- it is not a throwing watch.

JCM: You can’t stress it enough because there aren’t enough times for you to stress it that will make Peter understand.

Peter: Oh, I hear you, Quagmire. [throws the watch] It didn't come back, like you said it would!

Jjs: Peter is stupid, in case you guys didn’t realize.

Quagmire: [sighs] And-and Joe, you sure you don't mind taking care of my cat?

Clappy: The cat will not be taken care of. Anyone who is shocked by the spoiler gives this show the credit it doesn’t deserve.

Joe: Oh, no, all taken care of. Brought her to the pound this morning. She went peacefully.

Jjs: Principessa, Quagmire’s current cat, appears again after this episode, so I have no idea which cat Joe killed. Or the team pretended this whole episode didn’t exist and ignored that, which good choice.

JCM: Continuity? In my Family Guy???

Quagmire: What?! No! I-I-I meant, take care of her, like, look after her!

Joe: Well, that seems like a note for this morning.

Quagmire: You know, maybe I won't miss you people as much as I thought.

Jjs: And I’m sure they won’t miss you as much as you thought neither.

Clappy: Now the feeling is mutual.

JCM: I think I’m not gonna miss Quagmire at all, but I would love for the show to put that to the test.

Cleveland: Do you have anything for me, Glenn?

Quagmire: What? No! Wha-what?! I just found out my cat died!

Cleveland: Hmm. I can't help but think this selfish attitude is part of what got you here.

Jjs: Preach!

Clappy: Do you miss your spin-off yet Cleveland?

Lois: Good-bye, Glenn. Be strong. We'll keep you in our thoughts. [they hug and Quagmire has a boner] Oh, y-you better get rid of that before you get in there.

Jjs: So I assume this time it’s okay to laugh at Quagmire’s sex pest behavior now that we’re at the end of the episode. This entire scene is a perfect representation of how this episode has zero tonal consistency in what it wants to convey.

Clappy: Hmm. I can't help but think this horny attitude is part of what got you here.

Quagmire: All right. Good-bye, everybody. And-and don't worry about me. I-I'll see you real soon. [sadly walks into the prison gates]

Clappy: Don’t worry. They will all be joining you in there ‘real soon’ in a just world.

Peter: Hey, you guys take good care of my child rapist friend!

JCM: Peter trying for that “get your friend shivved as quickly as possible” challenge.

Jjs: Oh so now he thinks he’s a bad person at the end of the episode, just to make it look like we’re not completely supporting a rapist.

Clappy: “But he’s a good guy” said this character a few scenes earlier.

[Suddenly, a car pulls up. The Judge gets out of it]

Judge: Mr. Quagmire, wait!

Quagmire: Judge?! What are you doing here?

Jjs: I like to headcanon that his name really is Judge.

Judge: I wanted to tell you the good news in person. Your sentence has been commuted. You will not be serving prison time after all.

Jjs: Absolute bullshit, though admittedly a white rapist getting off scot free is sadly a realistic outcome. Also, forgive the Saul Goodman in me nitpicking but even if it was “commuted”, he’d still be serving some form of punishment.

Clappy: Isn’t being a part of this morally flawed garbage heap of a show, some form of punishment?

Peter: You got a good body, man. Why do you hide it under that robe?

JCM: Thank God we have Peter here to ask the important questions.

Jjs: Peter x Judge? 😳 

Clappy: That is more love than he’s shown to his wife and kids this entire episode.

Quagmire: Commuted? I don't understand.

Jjs: That’s certainly far from the first thing about the law you don’t understand.

[Crystal gets out of the car]

Crystal: Hello, Glenn.

Quagmire: Mom?! What's going on here? By the way, Your Honor, your fly is down.

JCM: He knows.

Jjs: Quagmire’s got his eyes on Judge too. 👀 

Clappy: Judge! Look out!

Judge: [zips fly] Well, let's just say some new DNA evidence was produced.

Clappy: Crystal Ex Machina

Crystal: [suggestively] And an impressive amount, I'd say.

Jjs: Quahog’s judicial system really is fucked. 

JCM: How many guys already skipped town during the day they’re given to “get their affairs in order?" Quahog must be the only city in America that doesn’t want people in prison.

Peter: Guy takes care of himself.

Clappy: We get it. You’re hot for Judge.

Judge: Anyway, you're free to go.

Jjs: This is grounds for judicial misconduct. He’ll be hearing from Saul soon. In addition to fixing its security, I hope Quahog’s corrupt judicial system has received an overhaul in the time since this case.

Clappy: Better Call…anyone. This is an easy case to win is an understatement.

Quagmire: You... you're kidding! Mom... Di-did you...?

Clappy: What gave it away?

Crystal: Yep. Twice.

Jjs: Goddamn, we get it already! You’d think Judge is Quahog’s Sexiest Man with all the lust going around. You be the Judge:


JCM: I can see it.

Quagmire: But I-I thought you were Christian now.

Crystal: Helping my son is the most Christian thing I could do.

Clappy: Said right here under the New Testament of “we fucking get it Seth, you hate religion."

JCM: Not having premarital sex to blackmail a judge would be a little more Christian, but what do these writers know about Christianity, anyway?

You were right, Glenn.

Clappy: Said no one actually watching this episode.

I was a terrible mother. I wasn't there for you when I should've been. But I'd love a second chance.

Jjs: Instead of Quagmire facing what he’s done, his mother gets it on with Quahog’s Sexiest Judge to bail him out. So that “serious backstory” you were forced to sit through was made completely null and void, making this episode even more tonally confusing than it already was. One of the dumbest ways I’ve ever seen to end a Family Guy episode, which is saying a lot.

Clappy: See you in Season 26 when you randomly one off again in “Crystal’s a Bad Mother."

Quagmire: I'd like that. I'd like that very much. [they hug]

Jjs: She never has a major appearance again after this, if you were wondering.

Peter: Aw, Quagmire got away with it, and learned nothing. That's great.

Clappy: Moral of the episode.

Jjs: He sure didn’t, Peter. Everybodeh happy!!!

This is easily somewhere on my bottom 5 list of Family Guy episodes, however that would look. This is by far the show’s most confused, uncomfortable, unfunny and hypocritical episode. I hate it when Family Guy tries to think it’s more serious and deep than it actually is, and this episode is that in spades. It can’t even be consistent for more than five seconds in that department and the “sympathetic backstory” it tries to paint Glenn with is made completely pointless by the end anyway. Family Guy might be hit or miss when trying to be a comedy, but it at least knows what it is when it sticks to just doing that. This episode has no idea what it wants to be. Much like Screams of Silence or Life of Brian, it commits the cardinal sin of trying to make the show something it isn’t supposed to be and unsurprisingly crashes. Looking back at this episode during the MeToo era makes it even more tasteless in retrospect. This is the episode that made me finally sick of Quagmire’s character and realize how badly most of his schtick has aged. You know, maybe it wouldn’t have been a bad thing if he went to jail much like how Brian could’ve stayed dead. I’ll see you guys again in the finale.

Clappy: If you all haven’t figured it out by now, this episode is an abomination in every facet of the imagination possible. And normally I would make a long winded rant about how hypocritical, condescending, and abysmal this episode is…but I’d rather not because I would like to dedicate my final thoughts elsewhere.

I am officially hanging up my red colored word art as of today. As most of you know I have a child on the way in about a month and I am purposely delaying the end of SBCinema to coincide that as being my final entry into the spin-off/lit time on SBC. What a way for me to go out though. It has been a blast riffing one of my former favorite shows and I’m thankful for Jjs considering this series for Riffing Theater 2022. It may have not turned out the way as expected but honestly that was Family Guy in a nutshell. A roller coaster ride in quality that really hasn’t aged well. It had its up and my god did it have its downs. And while some of those downs weren’t always the best to riff (here’s to you, Screams of Silence), I’m glad to have tackled Quagmire’s Mom as my final riff as not only did it perfectly encapsulate how much of a nosedive this show has taken over the years, but I actually had fun riffing this and enjoyed myself.

Which was what the riffing theater was made to do. Enjoy ourselves and have fun talking about flawed items. Whether it be SBC series, our former favorite internet critic, and now Beter Griffin. Thank you for bringing this series back from the dead Jjs and whether it continues in 2023 and beyond, I eagerly await to see what the fate of this series ends up.  ut I hope it’s not forgotten for bringing serotonin and entertainment to many people. Thank you all again for letting me a part of this and this is Clappy signing off saying “This episode is a piece of shit.”

JCM: By the time Quagmire’s Mom came out, Family Guy had been resting on its laurels for a while, but it’s still disheartening to see how far it has fallen from a show that was legitimately entertaining and didn’t try to be anything more than what viewers expected it to be. That’s why it was a staple of Adult Swim’s late-night lineup for so long. That’s why it got so popular in syndication that Fox brought it back from cancellation and why it somehow still airs today despite being terrible for at least a decade. Am I expecting prestige TV when I put on Peter Griffin’s newest adventures? Of course not, but I wish this show would have a semblance, just a semblance of respect for our intelligence.

Statutory rape isn’t as simple as this episode makes it out to be, first of all. An adult knowingly having sex with a child is despicable and should be prosecuted to the fullest extent, but this episode made it clear that Quagmire didn’t know, so based on that alone, he could have had a reasonable defense. Instead of focusing on that, however, Quagmire tries to defend his sex addiction by pointing to his own mother’s sex addiction, which…okay. It’s clear that this episode wanted Quagmire to be seen as sympathetic, which even if you ignore his history of sex crimes is a hard sell, considering he was still a man in his 60s who pursued someone much younger, even if she was younger than he thought she was. Quagmire was never the victim in this situation, and to paint somebody like him as a victim was tone-deaf at the time and even more tone-deaf today after everything we have learned about Cosby, Weinstein, and their ilk.

If you haven’t watched a lot of Family Guy and don’t fully understand what makes Quagmire abhorrent, let’s start with his Wikipedia article, which describes his “predilection for teenage girls, including Peter's daughter Meg, whenever they turn 18”. Very cool! Definitely sounds like somebody who belongs in civil society! The Family Guy Wiki has a whole paragraph about Quagmire’s “affinity for rape”, and honestly, do I need to go any further from there? He’s not a character who needs to be redeemed. He’s a character who needs to be written off Apu-style. There’s no reason a primetime television show in 2022 should have somebody like Quagmire as a main character, and the fact that his regular abuse and mistreatment of women was played for laughs in the first place is a big black stain on the show. It was never funny. Even when I watched it as a teenager, I found Quagmire’s antics uncomfortable, and I can’t imagine going back and watching some of his grosser moments today.

I guess this is my last riff, since we won’t be doing another episode about a serial assaulter in Trump Guy like we planned to. I would like to thank you all for reading this, and I hope I made you laugh once or twice even if I’m not as good as I was in my heyday. Signing off, the Snark Knight himself, JCM.


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This riff unfortunately came at the right time after learning all about Seth's evil. Makes everything about this episode ten times worse.

I really forgot how much of an abomination this ep was. Family Guy really loves to make us take the eps seriously on both sides. AHAHAHAHAHAH QUAGMIRE GOT AWAY WITH IT AND LEARNED NOTHING. Awwww poor lil Quagmire's backstory is sad. The ep cannot decide whether they wanna give a message that sexual predators like Quagmire gets away with their crimes or make us sympathetic for sexual predators like him. Either way, it's pure hypocritical especially again after  Allegations of Seth grooming a girl and forcing her to drink underage. Real smooth Family Guy. Fuck you.

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Episode X: Stewie is Enceinte


Rusty: Well, here we are, a very significant episode in Family Guy’s history. This is the last episode of Family Guy that aired on Adult Swim. Without it, Family Guy would be just another obscure animated show on broadcast TV from the Dotcom/post-9/11 period, like Mission Hill, Baby Blues, God, The Devil, and Bob, Gary & Mike, and Sammy. But, because of Cartoon Network’s edgier brother, Family Guy is the behemoth that it is today. I know that Adult Swim was just going through the regular rotation and schedule of episodes until the day they were told to stop, but in a way, I find airing this episode in a way to be weirdly appropriate. As if Adult Swim was subtlety, silently asking: “Was it worth it?”

Steel: I’ve returned for what is already my final riff on Family Guy. I have suffered from the reprehensible Screams of Silence, in which I expressed merciless rage towards rather than mostly playful roasts, and now I’m going into an episode that I have no knowledge of beyond the premise, so what could it be anyway?

“Stewie impregnates himself with Brian's DNA to save their friendship”…

…You know, Family Guy has, for the longest time, been a show that’s heavily relied on shock value, and I think this is the very point in its run where nothing is shocking anymore, and yet it still cements how far away from redemption that this series may truly be. On one hand, I have little to no visual memory of this episode, but on the other hand, I’m still going to end up giving myself mental images of pregnant Stewie and as well as his and Brian’s…for lack of a better word…bastard children. Well then…let’s get started.

[Theme plays. Episode opens with Lois and Stewie watching tv.]

Announcer: We now return to Top Chef: Looney Tunes Edition.

Host: Okay, Chef Fudd, I was a little disappointed in you this week. Your dish was just a live rabbit who thought he was taking a bath.

Elmer Fudd: But I used carrots and celery.

Steel: *Cawwots and cewewy.

Host: Yes. I saw he was scrubbing his back with a long celery stalk. Chef Sylvester, on the other hand, I'm happy to say your sufferin' succotash was absolutely delicious.

Sylvester: [lisps] Thanks.

Rusty: You know, that sounds like a good idea, somebody who writes for the Looney Tunes Cartoons should write something like that…

Steel: Even after having to google ‘succotash,’ I believe this was a lead-up to the typical “Sylvester kills Tweety” joke that I was expecting, but I could be wrong.

[Lois’s phone rings, so she answers]

Steel: Boo, I want more Looney Tunes Top Chef!

Lois: Hello? Oh, hi, Bonnie. No, I'm not doing anything. Just sitting here with the baby.

Stewie: Yeah, screw you, too. [Brian walks in] Oh, hey, Bri. Hey, you want to go out and get some gluten-free pizza? I'm gluten-free now, but you know, I'm not gonna be annoying about it.


Steel: Just like you are right now.

Brian: Too late.

Stewie: Oh, we should be gluten-free together! Let's go to Whole Foods and buy a bunch of stuff from that weird aisle nobody else goes down.

Rusty: Oh yea, that’s full of the “Two guys just having a good time” products.

Steel: Would that aisle be labeled ‘Gluten-free’ by any chance? Geez, was the writer for this episode having such a huge craving for gluten-free food or what?

Brian: I can't. I got plans. I'll see you later.

Stewie: Oh, sure. Maybe another time. [talks to Rupert] Ugh. I didn't seem too desperate, right? Don't answer. It's just that Brian's been so distant lately, and we used to be inseparable-- like Jack and Jill.

[Cutaway to Jack and Jill in their house with guests]

Steel: Here’s to the first cutaway gag of the episode.

Jill: Oh, so then Jack takes these two pails of water and trips and totally falls down the hill.

[Everyone laughs]

Steel: I’ve already exhausted my ‘Please laugh’ jokes from my previous riffs, so I’m not going to bother to commit.

Jack: Ha, ha, ha. Yeah. Hey, I got a funny story. Jill had a tooth fall out, and she swallowed it, and then we had to root through her feces to find it. And we did. And then we took it to the dentist, and he put it back in her mouth. So I guess we're both klutzes, huh? Why don't you spin another tale, crap-tooth? No? My turn again? Okay. Jill's barren.

Rusty: Good fucking lord.

Steel: …And no one laughed.

[At the Drunken Clam, Peter, Joe, Cleveland and Quagmire are watching the news]

Tom Tucker: Good afternoon. I'm Tom Tucker. Some sad news this morning as 38 school children drowned when their-- [yawning loudly] excuse me-- when their school bus hit a patch of ice and drove off a loc-- [yawning and chuckling] what is wrong with me today?--

Steel: It seems as though the creative team is on sleeping pills again.

and drove off a local bridge. And now the viral video of the week, with over seven million views. For those of you who loved Screaming Sheep, we've got Opera Penguin.

Steel: Not to be confused with Google Chrome Penguin, Firefox Penguin, or Linux.

[Clip of a penguin singing in an off-key tenor voice]

Opera Penguin: ♪ La, ah, ah, ah. ♪

Tom Tucker: [footage of penguins continues to roll] Is... is that it? Is he gonna do it again? No? Okay, so just normal penguin stuff now.

Steel: Yeah, to be honest, normal penguin stuff is something I’d rather be looking at right now.

Okay, cut back to me. Uh, y-you can't? The button broke off? All right, well, a U.S. convoy was ambushed in Kabul this morning,

Rusty: oh hey look it’s like what happened a year ago family guy predicted the future yay

Steel: …Possibly ambushed by penguins, if that’s the real reason the penguin video is still playing.

so now we're going to have a moment of silence in remembrance…

Opera Penguin: [louder] ♪ La... ♪

Tom Tucker: Oh, he does do it again.

Rusty: Don’t you see the videos in advance before putting them up on tv? Oh wait that would actually make sense.

Peter: That could be my favorite thing I ever seen.

Cleveland: What is a penguin? Is it some kind of bug?

Steel: Nah, it’s clearly just another word for a microwave.

Quagmire: What? You serious?

Rusty: Took the words right out of my mouth.

Cleveland: So it is a bug?

Peter: Hey, you know, that's what we ought to do. We ought to make a viral video!

Quagmire: All right!

Cleveland: Let's do it!

Joe: Awesome!

Steel: Well that may just be one of the quickest ways to get your subplot going.

Peter: Oh, wait, I don't know if you're gonna be in it, Joe. I thought, while we filmed, we'd just keep all of our stuff on your lap.

Rusty: Cause fuck disabled people, amirite?

Steel: So um…should I be calling this causal ableism, or…?

[Stewie is seen banging his tricycle with a shovel]

Rusty: Normal Behavior.

Brian: What the hell are you doing?

Steel: Banging his tricycle with a shovel, if you couldn’t already tell.

Stewie: I saw a scary boy doing this, and I thought I'd try it.

Brian: All right, have fun. I'm late.

Stewie: Late? But I thought you and I could hang out and maybe watch Lois shush Peter while they watch Nashville.

Brian: Maybe another time, Stewie. [gets into car and drives away]

Steel: I like how I can just apply the mental image of Seth MacFarlane’s fursona carjacking someone.

Stewie: [talking to Rupert] There he goes again. He's being so standoffish. I don't understand.

Rusty: You were banging your trike with a shovel, that usually gets a visit from Child Protective Services.

Oh, we used to be that happy. [sees Joe and Bonnie playing with Susie nearby] Wait a minute-- Joe and Bonnie never used to spend time together until they had Susie. Having a baby seems to have made them closer. Babies save relationships!

Steel: And considering that you’re a baby, you could come to the conclusion that simply being one can save your relationship? I could also point out that you could solve this personal dilemma without having to go to extremes, but what’s the use in arguing with Family Guy’s writing decisions?

Joe: [holding up Susie with his legs] Oh, look at you-- you're flyin'! [reveal Bonnie is shaking the legs] Okay, thanks, Bonnie. Next I want to ride a bike.

Rusty: Man, Joe has become the second ass of Family Guy, huh?

Stewie: That's it, Rupert! That's how Brian and I are going to improve our relationship. We're going to have a baby! I say, this is my best idea since I robbed a Joseph A. Bank.

Steel: Obligatory “And by best, you mean worst” quip.

[Cutaway to Stewie walking out of a Joseph A. Bank holding suits]

Stewie: Three suits for 99 bucks?! Take me to jail!

Rusty: …what?

[At night, Stewie is in his room setting dinner at a toy table]

Stewie: [talking to Rupert] All right, I want tonight to be perfect. I'm gonna lay it all out for Brian why we should have a baby together. I don't know, I haven't even thought about that. Why are you so obsessed with circumcision?

Rusty: …i’m sorry what

Brian: Oh, hey, look, you made a little dinner party. Hi, Rupert.

Steel: Rupert could probably say a few words back if he were sentient, but he’d be too uncomfortable to do so.

Stewie: He won't be joining us. Get up! [picks up Rupert out of chair and tosses] Please, sit.


Brian: [sits down] You, uh... you okay?

Stewie: I'm terrific. And that is so sweet of you to ask. You really are a natural caregiver, aren't you? [pretends to eat toy food] Mm. Mm. [sees Brian texting, bored]


Steel Sponge: bored x2

Do you mind not texting?

Brian: [continuing to text] Sorry, sorry. Just finishing right now. Almost done.


There, all finished riiiight... now. Thhhhere. [puts phone on table]

Stewie: Thanks. So, I wanted to talk to you about...A-Are you just gonna leave it on the table?

Steel: Here you go, create another fable.

Brian: I-I won't look at it.

Stewie: Great. So, I wanted to... [phone buzzes, causing Brian to look] You're looking at it.

Steel: Just to confirm that we’re all on the same page here, this is still the episode I’m reading through, and I just didn’t stumble upon an out-of-place FG movie theater etiquette PSA, right?

Brian: Ah sorry, work.

Stewie: It's not work.


Steel: If it’s not work, then I sure hope it’s not the Nostalgia Critic again to test my patience even further over a dumb joke.

Brian: [picks up phone and texts] It'll just take a second. I-I normally wouldn't do this, but I was already kind of in the middle of something, and I just need to quickly respond, and there I am finiiished. [chuckles] Ah, yeah. Okay, just a few more worrrds... annnd... d-done. Sorry. [puts phone down again]

Steel: I don’t know why I’m still skimming through this “riveting scene” when I could be watching Aladdin IV: Jafar May Need Glasses instead.

Stewie: Okay, so… [phone buzzes again]


Brian: Nah, nah, I'm not gonna get it.

Steel: MOVE THE HELL ON, OH MY GOD! Why do we need a long, strenuous joke revolving around an honest to goodness phone!?

Stewie: Then maybe we can take it off the table.

Brian: No, no, just keep going.

Steel: PLEASE.

Stewie: [sighs] I was thinking, we should talk about having a… [phone buzzes and Brian picks it up again] This isn't fun for me, watching you text.

Steel: This isn’t fun for any of us.

Brian: No, no, this is great. [quickly eats food] Mm, mm, mm. Yum. But I-I got to go. I have a date. [leaves]

Rusty: You’d think they’d live in Paddington because my god that was blatant padding.

Steel: …

...What was the point of this scene!?

Stewie: This is serious, Rupert. I'm losing him. If we're going to fix this relationship, we need a baby and we need it now.

Rusty: oh yea sure that’ll fix everything, until the child support bill comes

Steel: Or you could fix it by destroying Brian’s phone.

[puts his shed fur and fork into a plastic bag] I'm just going to take a little bit of his DNA, and soon we'll be proud parents, like Ron Livingston's parents.

Steel: Stewie’s a proud family man, erm, baby.

[Cutaway to Kurt and Linda Livingston on a bus, across from another passenger]

Kurt: You know, our son's a famous actor

Steel: I know I’m beating a dead horse, but I should point out that whatever time was wasted with that joke could’ve been filled for another cutaway gag, and it still would’ve been more significant to the episode’s main plot.

Passenger: Really? What's his name?

Kurt: [sighs] Oh, um... he's, uh...

Linda: He was, like, the main guy in Office Space.

Steel: I have no idea who the Livingstons are, so I can’t blame this cutaway gag for not trying.

Kurt: Yeah. What else? Uh... he has dark hair… I don't know, was he in Black Hawk Down? Uh, he was in, like, at least five Sex in the Citys. [groans] What is his name? What is his name?

Steel: Quick, name more things your son was in, and soon someone will figure it out!

Passenger: Is your son Ron Livingston?

Kurt: Yes!

Linda: Oh, God! Thank God!

God: I owe you nothing, so what are you thanking me for?

Kurt: Ron Livingston! Thank you! That has been bugging me all day.

Rusty: What the fuck did Ron Livingston do to the writers?

[At the Griffin house, Peter, Joe, Quagmire and Cleveland are in the living room discussing their video plan]

Peter: Okay, let's see. Now, what are the ingredients to a viral internet video?

Rusty: Arson, Murder, Jaywalking, Beating someone’s girlfriend, faking your girlfriend being beat up, showing the dead body of a suicide victim, racism, and more jaywalking usually do the trick.

Steel: Opinionated think-pieces in video essay form are usually the go-to way of becoming internet famous nowadays.

Joe: Cats!

Rusty: is this 2007 again

Peter: Yes! Cats, good.

Steel: As long as you’re not referring to the 2019 film adaptation of the musical with the same name…then yeah, cats are good.

Quagmire: People reacting to gross stuff.

Steel: Now that sounds like the golden opportunity to make a Family Guy Funny Moments video.

Peter: Aw yeah, 'cause they're like "AAAAH, THAT'S GROSS.”

Cleveland: Can I get a soda?

Peter: What? No! This is like the worst time to ask for a soda.

Steel: Why? Is it because you don’t have any ice for it?

Quagmire: Unbelievable.

Rusty: What even is this?

Steel: And Cleveland Brown never got his soda…

Peter: You know what, we should just go out and start filming. 'Cause I think we're really gonna surprise everyone. Like Buster Keaton did in his first talking picture.

[Cutaway to a black and white film. Buster Keaton exits a house.]

Buster Keaton: Here we go. I'm moving through the scene and I slam the door. Oh, no! I slammed it too hard, and the house is gonna squash me! [cardboard house falls over him] Oh, it turned out that window was there. Pause for laugh and amazement.

Rusty: This may strike readers as harsh, but as a very amateur film historian, I want whoever wrote that joke to die.

Steel: How about I pause for a lack of a sensible reaction?

[Stewie is in his room working on the fertilization device]

Stewie: All right, Rupert, the fertilization device is complete. This will impregnate me with the child that will bring Brian and me back together! First I add some of Brian's hair and saliva and some pre school applications because we are already way behind.

Rusty: I can relate. I started this riff back in August.

[He closes up the section where he has put everything] There now I just have to get into the machine and then the machine does whatever it has to do to me so that it can successfully impregnate me.

Steel: Exposition, exposition, exposition.

We do not judge the machine, we do not judge Stewie. [looks in mirror and groans] Good-bye, body. You're gonna watch me get pregnant.

Rusty: You’re two.

Steel: You should also say goodbye to whatever is left of your dignity, because you’re not getting it back.

I want to look at you when it happens. [strips and goes inside machine] Yeah, you watch me, bitch.


Steel: I know I shouldn’t be disregarding the whole “we do not judge Stewie” thing, but even without a visual aid, that is disgusting.

[The machine activates, rumbling. A juice is injected into Stewie’s belly, entering his body. Sequence of flashing colors and anatomy. Then a flash of light.]

[The next morning, Brian is at the kitchen table eating breakfast]

Steel: Face it. Breakfast is ruined.

Stewie: Good morning Brian.

Brian: [sniffs] What is that? I smell pee.

Steel: It must be the piss stain that was left in the episode’s script.

Stewie: Yes, you do, Brian.

[Stewie shows Brian a pregnancy test testing positive]

Brian: Oh, my God, that thing's positive! Is Lois pregnant again?

Rusty: I wish.

Stewie: No...

Brian: Meg is pregnant?

Rusty: Again, I wish; she’d have something happy.

Stewie: You're getting warmer. [clears throat]

Brian: Peter is pregnant?

Brian: Wha... What have you done?

Rusty: Stewie made Baby’s First Baby!

Stewie: I think you mean, what have we done?

Steel: No, he still has a point.

Brian: What?!

Stewie: Brian... we're pregnant!

Brian: Oh, my God!

Stewie: And in 18 years, he's going to move away!

Steel: And in less than 18 years, he’s going to realize who his dads are and experience an existential crisis.

Brian: You're pregnant with our baby!? How could this even happen!?

Steel: The real question should be WHY is this even happening.

Stewie: Simple. I took your DNA and inserted it into my temporary uterus through my fertilization device.

Rusty: We get it, you’re mad.

Brian: Oh, my God, you're serious! People are gonna think I had sex with a male baby and then got him pregnant!

Steel: With the way you’re framing your own predicament, you could just simply say that your life is over.

Stewie: Oh, thank you for finding a way to make it sound horrible.

Steel: The Family Guy writers giving themselves a good ol’ pat in the back.

Brian: We can't have a baby, Stewie!

Stewie: Is this about money? Because I have a bit saved. We could even use my old crib.

Steel: Knowing that this is Stewie we’re focusing on, I could make the easy assumption that money would never be an issue to him since he would just steal it anyway.

Brian: You use your old crib!

Stewie: Oh, right.

Brian: Stewie, you have to get rid of it.

Stewie: Get rid of it? You know, why don't you just say it? Say the word, Brian. I want to hear you say it.

Brian: Abortion! Abortion! You need to get a big fat abortion right this second!

Rusty: “You know, if this was set in Texas…” is a sentence too depressing to continue with.

Stewie: You can't even say it.

Steel: When you just admitted to impregnating yourself with your dog’s DNA, what point do you really have?

Brian: I think I'm gonna throw up!

Steel: I’m already ahead of you.

Stewie: Oh, save the cheap theatrics. This isn't one of your crappy short stories. This is real life, mister, so man up!

Rusty: You do know, Brian has a loaded gun in a safety deposit box, right?

Steel: Well I don’t want to live in any real life where a cartoon baby can be pregnant with a dog’s child, so you have no reason to complain about “cheap theatrics.”

Brian: You are getting an abortion, Stewie.

Stewie: I will not! Our child is growing inside me!

Rusty: Jesus fucking christ, this is like some real life shit.

Brian: Stop talking like that! A-And how do you even know it's mine?

Steel: You just said he was being serious, even after he already explained to you that he used your DNA, so why do you ask?

Stewie: [slaps] How dare you! So I'm just some slut?! Well, this slut is having your baby!

Steel: I’ve cringed so much at this confession already, I don’t want to think about how a baby could possibly ever be “slutty.”

Brian: Why would you even do this?

Rusty: Because the writers said so.

Stewie: I thought you'd be happy. I mean, you have all these amazing qualities, and I'm kind of good-looking. I mean, I'm no model, but… Well, certainly not a runway model. I'd-I'd be more catalog, probably. You know what? Why not a runway model? Why not? Why am I always apologizing for how good-looking I am? I'm sick of it. I can model in Paris. We could take the baby with us. We could be that kind of family. What do you think?

Steel: That depends. How do I know that you just didn’t read all of that from a piece of paper like Quagmire did with his speech?

Brian: [punches Stewie] Is it dead?

Rusty: Ok, that got a laugh out of me.

Stewie: You hit me! What kind of monster hits a pregnant toddler! If you ever lay a finger on me again, I'll burn you in your bed! [walks off]

Brian: Could... could you do that now, please?

Steel: Just punch him in the stomach again.

[Back to Peter, Joe, Quagmire and Cleveland in the living room again trying to make their video]

Joe: All right, Peter, get the camera ready. I got a viral Internet video that's gonna go straight to the top of the charts. [Peter begins recording him with his phone] Hi, I'm Joe Swanson, and this is 30 impressions in 30 seconds. "Show me the money." "Oh, behave." "Good morning, Vietnam." "Wait until they get a load of me," said the Joker. Some of these I'm paraphrasing.

Rusty: You know Joe really sucks at doing 30 impressions in 30 seconds, all he’s doing is a Doug Walker impression.

Steel: I see he’s celebrating Outdated References Day like any self-respecting person would.

[Later, Stewie approaches Brian in the living room, with a noticeable bump]

Rusty: Ok…did something get cut cause if so, then why the phone gag earlier?

Steel: Quality pacing.

Stewie: Hey, I need you to take me to the doctor for my prenatal vitamins.

Brian: I'm not taking you anywhere. Geez, how far along are you?

Stewie: I'm not really sure. Two days, six months... there's a certain amount of guesswork involved in this.

Steel: In Family Guy’s logic of time passage, I could ascertain that it won’t take more than a week, but hey, maybe it will take six months if Peter and his friends’ subplot takes that long if they’re big procrastinators like I am.

Oh, and while I'm pregnant, I'm going to need you to change the cat litter.

Steel: If it involves getting the cat’s DNA, then you better not make any more mistakes with it.

Brian: We don't have a cat.

Steel: …So who’s using the cat litter then?

Stewie: Ugh. Please don't fight me on this. Oh, my back is killing me.

Rusty: Why can’t the show fucking age up the characters?

And I've also been experiencing a little... [vomits] morning sickness. It's for the baby, it's for the baby.

[At the Quahog hospital, Stewie is dressed up as a teenage girl, about to deliver the baby]

Steel: Well, that was fast. I guess that’s what happens when you don’t know what else to add to the episode to properly pace it besides a slow burn joke about Brian and his phone.

Brian: You look ridiculous like that.

Stewie: Not too ridiculous for you to put a baby in me.


Steel: You do have a point, but that still doesn’t make you right.

Dr. Hartman: Okay, Raylene, I'm Dr. Hartman. Now, before we begin, I want you to know the record is just past my watch.

Stewie: [high-pitched] Well, it takes two people to break a record.

Dr. Hartman: You look a little young. How old are you?

Stewie: Uh, 13? 14? [Brian is gesturing for him to go up] 15. B-But he didn't force himself on me. I wanted it, too.

Steel: Quahog’s sex laws must really be tame if Dr. Hartman isn’t taking any issues with this, even when we all already know what’s going on, and just thinking about that concerns me.

Dr. Hartman: Well, that's the important thing.

Rusty: I wouldn’t get mad at this if this type of shit wasn’t depressingly common in Appalachia where I’m from.

[checks Stewie] That's odd. Your vagina seems to have a penis and two testicles.

Steel: I’m sure you’ll figure out by now that “she’s” also not a hermaphrodite.

Stewie: Oh, right. I, uh... sneezed real hard and all that came out.

Dr. Hartman: Ah, that explains it.

Rusty: I don’t know whether to feel happy or sad that an exchange like that isn’t also common in Appalachia.

Steel: I shouldn’t feel surprised at all by this forced stupidity.

Stewie: Could you do that thing where you take some fluid and tell me if it's going to be an imbecile or a cretin?

Steel: I don’t think you need fluid tests to know that it’s actually going to be a ‘crime against humanity.’

Dr. Hartman: Oh, not to worry. There are places where those people can be warehoused,

Rusty: Are…was that a joke about a mental health facility, because if so…fuck you.

but from strictly eyeballing you I'd say everything looks fine.

Stewie: Oh, that's wonderful! Now Brian, did you have any questions for the doctor?

Brian: Yeah, are there a lot of stairs in this building?

Rusty: He’ll go down like Bobby McFerrin.

Steel: I haven’t seen the episode to understand the context of this, so I’ll blindly assume that Brian just really likes stairs.

[Brian and Stewie are seen shopping at a store called Baby Stop]

Steel: ‘Baby Stop.’ Even the storyboard artist knows what they’re dealing it, it seems.

Stewie: God, we need so much stuff. Look at how tiny all these clothes are. It's so adorable. [holding tiny shoes] I mean, what kind of feet can fit into these shoes?

Brian: Your feet!

Stewie: That's getting old, you know. You better get on board with this.

Rusty: Guess it’s Stewie’s turn with the Psychopath ball.

[sees a pregnant woman] Aw, how far along are you?

Woman: Eight months.

Steel: Is Stewie still in his disguise? Otherwise, I don’t see why an adult woman would just casually answer this question to a talking baby who is…you know…

Stewie: You look amazing. Let me ask you, are you leaking? Because I've been leaking.

Rusty: oh my god you sound like my mom please shut up

Steel: This isn’t the time or place for you to be asking others about your fetish.

Woman: …How old are you?

Stewie: How old are you? You look like you're 40, which means whatever you've got in there is 100% brain-damaged.

Rusty: Ok, so speaking of my mother, she had me at 38 and she had my sister at 43, and my sister is studying to become a Civil Engineer, and I know I joked that the writer of this should go and die because of a Buster Keaton joke, but in 100% seriousness, whoever wrote this, who I refuse to name because I’m not a dick, go fuck off and pound sand.

Steel: I don’t think this is worthy of a valid response other than a good old kick in the shin.

Brian: All right, you have a good day. [drags Stewie away]

Stewie: I hated that lady.

[At a Photography Studio, Stewie is posing naked for pictures]

Rusty: As someone who…actually saw this episode, yea those are visuals that will probably haunt me for the rest of my life.

Steel: I’ve been dealing with Stewie being a sicko for a good chunk of the episode, I don’t even want to think that some other sicko could’ve taken those pictures.

Stewie: I like these. These are good. Very classy.

Brian: This feels incredibly wrong.

Steel: Stewie must be holding Brian at gunpoint if he’s going to keep dealing with his B.S.

Stewie: Oh, we're going to want these, Brian, believe me. You can't see my nipples, can you? They're getting really large, and I'm not sure if I'm completely covering them.

Rusty: Excuse me while I vomit to the tune of Africa by Toto.

Eh, you know what? We'll see what we see.

Photographer: Let's get a few candids. Dad, can I get one of your head on the belly?

Stewie: Oh, Dad. I just got emotional.

Steel: I don’t know what this episode is trying to accomplish anymore. At first, the episode had a well-constructed yet awful idea for a plot, but this now feels like an endurance test to see how many lines they cross before they fill up the show’s average runtime. What does the FG staff expect me to feel? Shocked? The concept of a talking male baby being pregnant with a male dog’s child is not really shocking when you already understand the main gimmick behind FG in general. Entertained? So far, there’s nothing entertaining or funny about a pregnant baby, let alone Stewie being “slutty” and proud about it. All I’m really feeling at this point is just complete, utter disgust - disgust for the premise, disgust for how the episode continues to stretch the immorality with little justification beyond basic self-awareness, disgust for how the episode expects me to be amused by Stewie’s sociopathy, and disgust for the very thought that someone let this episode get made in the first place.

[Photo montage of their pictures while “(You’re) Having My Baby” by Paul Anka plays in the background]

Steel: Somewhere in the maple forests of Canada, Wumbo is crying.

[At the Drunken Clam]

Steel: I may not like alcohol, but I sure could use a drink right now.

Peter: Okay now. People really love that viral video of a monkey forcing that sex act on a frog at the zoo,

Rusty: Ah, the days of Ebaum's World. I still miss them.

Steel: Implying that a website like YouTube would actually let that go viral without removing it on the spot.

so maybe we can find another frog for something like that?

Steel: If you don’t have any original ideas in mind, you may as well just commit to freebooting.

Rusty: Like me!

Joe: You mean like that frog?

Peter: Who?


Joe: The frog in the miniskirt putting a quarter in the jukebox.

[A female frog in a blonde wig puts a quarter into the jukebox, causing “You Give Love a Bad Name” by Bon Jovi to play. She starts dancing seductively while a group of male monkeys look on]

Rusty: Wait a minute, I think I read something like this on Furaffinity.

Steel: This episode has been giving a bad name to more than just love.

Peter: [filming on his phone] Bingo.

Joe: [with a concerned expression] I'm concerned that frog's in more danger than she realizes.

Steel: Then stop recording and arrest those monkeys. Oh wait, you can’t, because the frog has to send a formal complaint first, huh?

[Stewie and Brian are in line at McBurgertown]

Stewie: I am having such a craving for burgers, it's like my body just craving red meat. And mint chip ice cream. But only mint chip. Any other ice cream makes me want to puke. Isn't that weird?

Rusty: Please go away before I punch you.

Brian: Yes Stewie, that's the one weird thing in all this.

Steel: You’ve forced yourself to sit through this situation, so you’re not the one who gets to do the riffing here.

Stewie: [to employee] What are you looking at? Go push your buttons. My husband'll kick your ass.

Steel: Yeah, I don’t think I’d be able to put up a fight with Seth MacFarlane’s fursona either.

Brian: Stop saying I'm your husband.

Stewie: Oh! Brian, I need you to take me to the hospital.

Steel: Did Brian telling you to stop calling him your husband hurt you that much?

Brian: Why?

Stewie: My water just broke. [water leaks]

Rusty: Again, you’re better off without the visuals…trust me.

Steel: And during an awkwardly-timed moment too. What were the odds?

Brian: Oh, my God!

Stewie: It's okay. Don't panic. Call the doula. Brian, you've got to call the doula!

Brian: Doula? I... I don't even know what that is!

Steel: I don’t even know if you and Stewie have one in your contacts and yet the episode expects me to.

Stewie: It's a divorced woman who knows about lady parts and cheers you on. Let's go!

Rusty: I wonder if they’ll get the ghost of Quagmire's wife. Her level of sanity seems to be on this episodes’ level.

The doula: “That's odd. Your vagina seems to have a penis and two testicles.”

[Brian’s car is speeding through the streets]

Stewie: [moaning] You're gonna have to drive a little faster!

Brian: I'm already going over the speed limit!

Rusty: Play the guitar solo in Free Bird, that always works.

Stewie: Too late! Pull over! It's starting to come out!

Brian: Of where?

Stewie: I'm not sure exactly.

Steel: You put a placenta inside you, so you should know unless you’ve also ignored your own pointless exposition.

[Car comes to a stop] Brian, I'm going to need you to deliver the baby.

Brian: Uh, uh, o-okay, c-can you wait a second while I put a towel down? I don't want anything to get on the seats.

Stewie: Oh, no, of course. Our first priority should be to keep the vinyl clean. Oh, God! Oh, God, it's coming! Oh… Can you see the head?

Steel: This feels more uncomfortable to read without prior visual knowledge.

Brian: I don't know where to look!

Stewie: Well, maybe you should look at the part of me where there's a baby coming out! [moaning] How did Murphy Brown make this look so easy?!

Steel: I think even Murphy Brown would be traumatized if he were in Brian’s situation.

Brian: Careful, don't get anything on the... [a splash of blood on the windshield] seats.

Stewie: Oh, God, I think another one's coming!

Brian: I don't see it!

Stewie: I think it's coming out of my mouth! [another splash of blood on the windshield] [Stewie continues moaning] There's more! And they're coming out of everywhere! [more blood splash sounds] Ah! Kill me! This hurts too much!

Steel: I should be laughing at this instant feeling of regret, but it’s already overwhelmed by my eternal disgust.

Brian: [windows are covered in blood and we cannot see inside] Holy shit! What is happening?!

Rusty: Again, you don’t want the visual.

Steel: Yeah, I don’t know what kind of cheap porno I’ve just stumbled upon either, and I’m not enjoying this one bit.

Stewie: I don't know! Brian, save the placenta!

Brian: Do you even have a placenta?

Steel: Well, if even the writers can’t seem to remember the exposition they wrote, what’s the point in bothering to know if Stewie still has his placenta?

Stewie: Well, whatever comes out, save it. I want to eat it.

Rusty: Yep. Psycho ball.

Steel: Sure, and put it on a silver freaking platter, why don’t you?

Brian: Oh, God, they're crawling all over me!

Stewie: How many are there now?

Brian: Four, five, six, seven.

Steel: That’s seven unholy creations wrought by Stewart “Stewie” Gilligan Griffin.

[Mayor Adam West approaches the car]

Adam West: Mazel tov!

Rusty: Well, at least somebody’s happy. Mazel tov indeed.

[In Stewie’s room, seven baby-dog hybrid abominations are shown playing.

Steel: Got to hand it to the scribe for saying it like it is.

Barking and squealing noises. Stewie puts two to sleep in a box.]

Adam West: Nevermind, fuck that shit. *walks away from the car*

Stewie: I just put Jack and Rose down for their nap.

Rusty: Oh I love a euthanasia nap.

And I'm trying to keep the more attractive ones in this area.

Steel: Jack and Rose Griffin won’t be getting good sleep for long once they have a bad dream about the Titanic sinking.

Brian: This is a nightmare.

Steel: Yeah, and I’m desperate to be woken up from it right now.

Stewie: Oh, I caught two of them trying to eat each other, so that's something we need to watch out for.

Rusty: Vore, MPREG, Babyfur, ok this is an inkbunny literature.

Steel: Dog eat dog and all that, except for the whole bit about them being human-dog abominations.

Look, Bri, that one looks just like you.

Brian: [picks up a tan colored baby dog] Huh. Well, you know what? I guess he does.

Steel: I shouldn’t be damaging anyone’s virgin eyes for this, but I think it’s important to let everyone know how Stewie and Brian’s children look for those who are looking to be even more disgusted:


One big happy family.

Stewie: You know, I was actually thinking, this could be a chance for you to finally make things right.

Steel: Though you’ve already done so much wrong over the course of this episode.

Brian: What? What do you mean?

Stewie: Well, you do have a son that you were never there for.

Rusty: Ouch.

This is your opportunity to do things differently.

Steel: Considering that one of the previous episodes riffed was titled “Brian’s a Bad Father,” I’m not seeing a possibility of that chance happening.

Brian: Wow. Maybe you're right. I suppose I could give it a try. [lets the baby lick him]

Stewie: There you go. Aw, Dick really likes you.

Brian: I like Dick.

Stewie: [chuckles] You like Dick! His name's not Dick, you idiot.

Rusty: Look, a Stoolie!

Steel: And thanks for clarifying that you set us up for a predictable and forced male genitals joke.

It's Finn.

Steel: If he’s named after Finn The Human, then I’m sure he’s going to be the one who experiences the biggest existential crisis.

[At the Drunken Clam, Peter opens a laptop]

Peter: All right, let's check our YouTube channel and see how we're doing. [checks comments] Boy, they just went right after Cleveland, didn't they?

Quagmire: Geez, that word looks even harsher when it's in all caps.

Rusty: Oh, YouTube comment moderation!

Joe: Wow, people really seem to hate everything we put on here.

Rusty: Story of my life.

Steel: Plot twist: They’re looking at the comments for the official Family Guy YT channel.

Peter: That sucks. And I worked really hard on taking a picture of myself every day for a year and then setting the photos to an emotional song. Look.

Steel: Ah yes, the ‘A photo a day’ video format. I could only wonder how the writers could manage to make that into one of their cutaway gags.

[Montage plays of Peter in different clothes while “Hey There Delilah” by Plain White T’s plays. The blue ghost child from The Grudge scares Peter at one point. Peter grows increasingly more depressed culminating in a disheveled look, sporting a five o’clock shadow across his face and bloodshot eyes. This is also how he now appears in the bar.]

Rusty: Maybe that blue ghost kid…is depression. Again, story of my life.

Steel: I have to admit…as weird and nonsensical that was, I was not disappointed. If this was the video that was the last chance the boys had of being internet famous, then I don’t see how anybody couldn’t be entertained by it. When you have the ghost kid from The Grudge making an unprecedented guest appearance, you should be setting yourself up for success.

Peter: [sad] Yeah, so we're, uh, thinking about selling the house. [The ghost boy from the video pops up behind him]

Steel: And they were never heard from again.

[Stewie and Brian roll their babies through the park]

Stewie: Hey, stop squirming in there.

Brian: [holds one that melts in his hands] This one's bones all feel loose.

Rusty: He found a genie and wished he didn’t have bones.

Steel: You should get that one checked for that. The nearest hospital shouldn’t be so far off.

Stewie: [waving his hand in front of one] And I think that one is blind. We'll have to get him little sunglasses.

Brian: Great, because dog-head/human-ears over here doesn't react to anything I say.

Stewie: [claps] Hey! Hey, you! Okay, this one is deaf. We are going to be spending a fortune on schools.

Steel: I just hope that they can all get through school without being bullied 24/7.

Brian: How are we gonna pay for that?

Stewie: Well, you tell me. You're the one who insisted I be a stay-at-home mom.

Rusty: Yeah, feeding into an insane person’s delusions is the best way to see the insane person die.

Brian: I don't even have a job.

Stewie: Well, you better get one. And not “writing.” A real job.

Rusty: twat

Steel: Wow…now I have to rethink my place in this riffing theater…

Brian: Why are you being such a jerk?

Steel: Stewie was an insufferable little seed since the start of the episode and you ask this NOW?

Stewie: I don't know. I'm sorry. I just… I just feel like once I get them on a schedule, everything will be fine.

[While they talk, one of the babies jumps into the pond, drowning]

Rusty: Jeez, this is the 1700s all over again.

Steel: R.I.P. who I presume is Jack Griffin. Thoughts and prayers.

[Back to the Drunken Clam]

Peter: I can't believe we couldn't come up with a viral video. We should've just gotten Jimmy Fallon to do any lame thing.

Rusty: You have no place to talk, at least Jimmy Fallon actually has some semblance of integrity. Yes, even after the Donald Trump interview.

Steel: It shouldn’t be too late to rope him in and make Jimmy Fallon Presents Family Guy Funny Moments #42 if you could get the ghost kid from The Grudge in one of your videos.

[News theme plays on tv]

Tom Tucker: Coming up, a white waiter at a Chinese restaurant? We'll get you the facts on this bizarre story.

Rusty: I’m convinced Family Guy contributed to some form of anti-asian xenophobia.

But first, this week's viral video, Fat Kid Hustles Through Crosswalk. [cut to video of Chris trying to cross a street, but has a series of inconveniences such as losing his shoe]

Steel: I hope Chris Griffin’s shoe got paid well for its small contributions.

Here it is. Here's little Chubbo pulling up the rear.

Steel: Ha, ha, he said ‘pulling up.’

Rusty: haha rear

Oh, he's got to get moving now. That's right. Don't let your chocolate levels get too low.

Rusty: Did you say chocolate?

Steel: With or without nuts?

Quagmire: I can't believe Chris gets four million hits just crossing the street.

Joe: I guess we were trying too hard.

Rusty: That’s an overstatement.

Steel: With all fairness, I don’t think you guys tried at all.

Cleveland: [to Peter] Hey, I went by your house the other day. Is your baby pregnant?

Steel: You should ask him about the dog-baby children if you have seen them.

Peter: I don't know. Lois is in charge of the kids.

Rusty: How did Lois not even notice this? Like I said…why couldn’t the characters age up?

[The remaining four babies are in Stewie’s room making a mess. Stewie and Brian are against the wall, tired. One of the babies thumps its head against the wall multiple times.]

Brian: Stewie, this is awful. I don't know why anyone would want to be a parent, especially to four children.

Steel: Maybe it’s because they didn’t have to deal with being parents to YOUR children.

Stewie: Four? I thought we were down to five.

Brian: Yeah, the deaf one didn't hear Joe's lawnmower.

Rusty: I don’t even care anymore.

Steel: Yeah…I don’t have a proper response to that.

Stewie: Oh. That's really upsetting.

Rusty: Understatement of the century.

Brian: I-I can't take this anymore, Stewie. I-I'm sorry. I got to get out of here.

Steel: I’m just surprised he’s lasted this long dealing with his antics.

Stewie: What? Where are you going? [to the thumping baby] Stop doing that!

Rusty: Oh to be a thumping abomination baby.

Steel: Isn’t that the blind one? Do the stay-at-home mom job you’re supposed to be doing and help them out.

Brian: I need a break, all right? I-I j... I just got to get away for a couple weeks.

Steel: I’m pretty sure he means he’s had enough of this show as a whole and so that he’s leaving to fulfill his chances of getting The Brian Griffin Show made.

Stewie: A couple weeks? Y-You're not leaving me alone with these things. The whole point of this was for us to spend more time together.

Rusty: Y’know, keep making convoluted plans for something simple, and you’d be a nice tech bro.

Steel: Yeah, so much for Brian ‘making things right.’ I was right for keeping my expectations low.

Brian: Wait, what are you talking about? The whole point of what?

Stewie: Well, you've been so distant lately. I thought if we had a baby it would bring us closer together.

Brian: What? I was only distant because you've been so moody lately. I thought you needed more space. I always want to hang out with you.

Steel: I’ve come this far even past the convoluted Brian-being-too-busy-with-his-phone gag and I know this has more to do with Stewie “being moody.”

Stewie: Well, I was only moody because you were so distant! I always want to hang out with you, too!

Brian: Oh, my God.

[The two look at the state of the room and the remaining babies]

Stewie: So we didn't have to do any of this.

Brian: I-I guess not.

Rusty: Yes, this entire plot could’ve been avoided with a 28-second conversation. Yes, I went back and timed it and yes, they played sappy piano music over this scene. Basically, that entire conversation has rendered the entire main plot of the episode Completely. Fucking. Pointless. Mazel tov for wasting our fucking time.

Steel: Self-awareness is of no use in saving this crummy episode. We’re all so close to the end now, so it’s late to take it all back.

How attached to them are you?

Stewie: Not at all.

Brian: Yeah, me either.

Rusty: Yay, something that is also depressingly common in Appalachia. I don’t want to hear any incest jokes.

Steel: So, what’s the moral of the episode? Just don’t go as far as to impregnate yourself with your dog’s DNA because you’re going to regret it later anyway? I don’t know what this episode’s message is supposed to be and I don’t care to know when it only exists to push its limits.

[The two leave an Animal Shelter]

Stewie: This is for the best.

Brian: Yeah, I mean, I'm sure they'll be adopted.

Rusty: Ok, I will admit that Tan Dog thing is kind of cute. Could actually put him in a story I’m writing right now…maybe later.

Stewie: Oh, God, yeah. I'm still keeping all the gifts from the baby shower.

Steel: After all that, you shouldn’t be allowed at any more baby showers.

Brian: You had a baby shower?

[Stewie in his teenage girl disguise is at a random house, holding a shower and opening gifts]

Stewie: Oh! Now this makes it real! [chuckles] Oh, my goodness. That's enough cake for you, Mary Beth.

Steel: And that’s enough cake for us too.

So, that was…”Stewie is Enceinte.” The Peter Griffin quote from a while ago sums up my feelings on this episode very well.

Aw yeah, 'cause they're like "AAAAH, THAT'S GROSS.”

And you know what? This episode’s desperate attempts to make me feel sick to my stomach did do its job, but what does that all accomplish at the end of any given day? Nothing. What did I learn from this episode? Also nothing. I may not have to watch the episode itself to understand how terrible “Screams of Silence” was, but this episode in particular seems like the kind that needs to be seen to be believed for how bad it is. Although this episode doesn’t frustrate me so much when Stewie is the only detestable character here while everyone else is at least tolerable, that doesn’t stop the episode from being revolting, as I described several times beforehand with my riffs. It may not reach the same low lows as, again, “Screams of Silence,” but this particular episode still proves that Family Guy is only continuing its downward spiral, for as long as it continues to try and generate cheap shock value by going far in many places as it could.

With this being my final riff on Family Guy, I suppose I’d have a eulogy before I move on from it, but I have nothing positive to say regarding this disastrous show, so I’ll just end my monologue right here. Family Guy can suck it, and I wish everyone else who is continuing this ride good luck.

Rusty: And Family Guy’s run on Adult Swim ends on a Fat Joke. Lovely. Anyway, this occasion didn’t go unnoticed, as Adult Swim made a lovely goodbye bumper that aired right after the end credits and closing logos:

It’s charming, and it definitely deserved a better episode to close out on, maybe the first episode, or “When You Wish Upon a Weinstein” or the first Road To…, who knows? But, then again, this episode is a lot more fitting than those in a strange way. Its placement poses an interesting question: Was Family Guy worth getting revived? Was a staple of the modern Fox Network schedule, that’s only parallel to the fucking Simpsons, that’s known for pushing the boundaries of common sense and human decency, and whose characters are close to icons to parts of a generation known for “dudebro/lad’s night out humor” worth it? While the first three seasons of Family Guy are legitimately solid, this episode proves that the answer to that question is one big, solid, gross, anger-inducing, horrifying, disgusting, mutated “No.”

This has been my last riff for this run of showings in the theater, I’d like to thank Jjs for inviting me and I’d like to give him an extra special thanks for his incredible patience when dealing with my hectic schedule and mental health, which is the reason why this episode is so late. Anyway, I’m Rusty Ralston, A.K.A. Estonia on the server, and I’m done.


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Episode XI: A House Full of Peters


WhoBob: Riffing this episode is gonna be a challenge for sure. After the infamous season 12, the show started to make less ambitiously bad episodes and became relatively boring. Season 13 still had some stinkers tho like Brian the Closer, Stewie is Enceinte, 2000 Year Old Virgin, Quagmire’s Mom and Roasted Guy but even then the magic of season 12’s awfulness could never be topped again. When I watched seasons 14 and 15, I was already bored out of my mind and I couldn’t find the episodes interesting anymore. I quit after I watched the first few episodes of season 16. This one was pretty damn bad from what I remember, already being close to season 12-13 badness but even then, it wasn’t even that malicious. Still, I felt it was worth riffing considering this is the end of season 15 and oh boy, it ends on whole lotta Peters. I know there’s another bad episode waiting for me that I haven’t seen but it’s gonna be interesting to revisit this piece of trash.

Slug: I’ll admit that this was around the time that my memory of this show gets hazy. The vast majority of episodes past season 13 are completely unfamiliar with me. The two exceptions to this were Trump Guy and this episode. Trump Guy was an obvious ratings trap, and this episode kind of became a meme on SBM. Perhaps that ironic enjoyment is why I didn’t quite hate this episode as much as Turban Cowboy, but considering how low that bar is, I wouldn’t consider that a compliment. Some people have said that Family Guy has gotten better recently, if that upturn exists at all, (I feel like people say The Simpsons is getting good again every 5 years, so color me skeptical) this episode certainly isn’t helping that case.

[Theme plays. Episode opens with the Griffins watching tv.]

Announcer: This program is brought to you by Fruit Bouquets.

Fruit Bouquet Guy: Got a birthday coming up for someone you absolutely hate? Why not tell them to go screw themselves by sending a giant Fruit Bouquet? With just a few clicks, you'll be able to send someone 14 pounds of unwanted decorative produce that will go bad within an hour of arrival! Hungry for a strangely-warm strawberry? How about a hard green wedge or a slime-glazed melon ball? Well, we have all these gross things! Order now and make someone feel guilty about throwing it straight into the trash six hours later. Fruit Bouquets: the rotting gift with flies on it!

WhoBob: I’ll make sure to buy these and send them to MacFarlane on Family Guy’s 25th year anniversary.

Slug: A Family Guy DVD set would also do the job.

Lois: [dressed and ready to head out] Okay, I'm heading out for ladies' night. There's a casserole in the refrigerator. I'll be home at 11:00.

Peter: Hey, Lois?

Lois: Yeah?

Slug: “Remember that time I set off the bomb on the bridge? Thank you for helping me cover up the evidence, that was freakin’ sweet!”

Peter: How would you find the name of the actual actress who plays the AT&T chick?

Slug: Likely the internet, would Peter even be smart enough to use it anyways?

Lois: I left a list of hot commercial girls on the refrigerator.

WhoBob: Man, their marriage is so pathetic and dull. She needs to leave him for someone better. Oh wait…

Slug: Did she make that list prompted or unprompted… is she down bad herself?

Peter: What is this refrigerator you keep mentioning? Are you talking about the sandwich house?

WhoBob: Some idiot who eats a lot should know what the hell a refrigerator is but I guess I can’t expect much better from someone who thinks it’s the sandwich house.

Lois: [sighs] I guess I'm not the only person with a useless husband.

WhoBob: Sharon Marsh, Francine Smith, Beth Smith, and Marge Simpson share their condolences.

Slug: Talk like that is what’s keeping the birth rates down. Is this what Shinzo Abe died for?

I mean, look at Mrs. Butterworth.

[Cutaway to Mrs. Butterworth in a log cabin with her husband, who approaches her holding mail]

Husband: I still don't understand why we couldn't take my last name.

Mrs. Butterworth: Well, my last name helps keep a roof over our head and pays for your hobby.

Husband: Hobby? [phone rings] Oh, look at that. My business line is ringing. [answers] Hello? Lamps That Look Like Soccer Balls. Yes? Okay. How many would you like to return? Yeah, just send them here, care of… Mr. Butterworth.

WhoBob: Well that was a worthless gag with no punchline.

Slug: The first cutaway gag I covered for this series was the racist sunflower bit, and somehow I feel like they’ve kept getting worse.

[At Rose’s Restaurant, the place is filled with lively chatter. Lois is at a table with Bonnie and Donna]

Lois: Ah, it's so nice getting out of the house. If I had to change one more diaper, I was gonna lose it.

Bonnie: I'm in exactly the same boat. I mean, what would our husbands do if they had to change their own diapers?

WhoBob: Well, I’m glad to remember Bonnie is still a piece of shit.

Slug: Does anyone actually like Bonnie? Even some of the worst Family Guy characters are at least outlandish enough to get an occasional chuckle out of me, Bonnie’s entire schtick just seems to be an unpleasant asshole at all times.

Lois: Different boat, Bonnie. Much different boat. Hey, I got an idea. Let's crank call them.

Donna: Me first. [phone rings]

[Cleveland is seen on a toilet, crying and eating pie]

Cleveland: [sobbing] You're weak, Cleveland! You're worthless and weak!

WhoBob: This hits too close home.

Slug: This sounds like kink talk if I’m being honest… is Cleveland a bottom?

[phone rings, answers] You found Brown.

Donna: Hello, Cleveland. [women giggle] This is Michelle Obama.

Slug: Will Skipper be involved too?

Cleveland: It is?!

WhoBob: How many black women do you know, Cleveland?

Donna: Yes. I received all your letters, and I do like your mustache.

Cleveland: [giddy] Oh. I've been doing all your arm exercises.

WhoBob: Let us see them Cleveland guns baby.

Donna: Thank you, but those won't work on your fat arms.

Cleveland: [confused] How do you know my arms are fat? I deliberately left them out of all the photos.

Slug: Get anti-virus software, Cleveland. You still have a few years before the Deep State takes down McAfee.

Donna: You're eating a pie on the toilet, aren't you, Cleveland?

Cleveland: Who is this? Is this a Jerky Boy?!

WhoBob: Do you even realize your wife called you? You should have her phone number saved…

Donna: It's your wife, you big dummy! [call ends, women laugh]

WhoBob: Well, that was cruel.

Cleveland: [crying again] I used to have my own show.

WhoBob: I’m pretty sure Cleveland was a lot happier outside Rhode Island.

[Bonnie’s turn, she calls Joe]

Joe: Hello?

Slug: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.

Bonnie: [Fake voice] Hello, is this Joe Swanson?

Lois: Wait, you can talk normal?

Bonnie: [normal voice] What do you mean?

Lois: Nevermind.

WhoBob: I don’t know Lois, what about your voice?

Bonnie: We're calling from WQHG, Quahog's Hottest Hits. And we'll give you $500 if you can sing Britney Spears' "I'm Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman." You've got ten seconds to...

Joe: ♪I'm not a girl, not yet a woman♪

♪All I need is time...♪

WhoBob: Okay, this got a smile out of me, maybe this isn’t all that ba-

Bonnie: Oh, but you have to be able to walk.

Joe: Aw, nuts. [women laugh again]

WhoBob: Never mind. That’s really all they can do with Joe? Sigh.

Slug: Yeah, the joke was ruined because the Family Guy writers just can not bring themselves to not use Joe as a crux for ableist jokes. We get it, Joe is disabled, are we supposed to laugh at him for that? Or are we supposed to laugh at him being depressed that he’s disabled? I know Family Guy can be cruel sometimes, but at least it’s often done in an exaggerated way. I just hate what they’ve done to Joe because the meanness in his scenes are done in a way that’s actually relatable to how people with disabilities are treated and it’s painful to watch.

Lois: Okay, my turn! My turn! [phone rings, Peter answers]

Peter: Hello. Don't say anything about the 1998 Oscars. I'm watching it now.

WhoBob: Hey Peter, Titanic won the best picture. I bet you must be so sad about being spoiled by that.

Slug: Not gonna lie that I kinda laughed at this line for how bizarre it is. Everyone knows Nick Cage should’ve gotten best actor for Face/Off.

Lois: [disguised voice] Hello, is this Peter Griffin?

Peter: If this is the fracking people, I have made it clear that I am 100% on board.

WhoBob: Glad to know Mr. Peanutbutter has Peter on his side.

Slug: To be fair, no amount of fracking can do more damage to the environment than Peter himself.

Lois: No, my name is Rebecca. You've never met me before and probably don't even know I exist, but you're my father. [Peter is shocked] Hello?

Peter: How'd you get this number? Don't you ever call here again! [call ends]

Slug: Peter, you’ve probably given your number to some Nigerian Prince by now.

Lois: What the hell?! He just got mad and hung up.

WhoBob: I seriously have no idea who would be willing to fuck Peter besides Lois. Hell, I'm even questioning Lois.

Bonnie: He