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Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000: Family Guy Funny Moments


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Uh oh Lois, SBC is riffing us now! Nyehehehe.

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For this year's Riffing Theater miniseries, we'll be tackling 13 Family Guy episodes that don't represent those good old fashioned values. Credit to @Clappy again for this suggestion. We've begun working on the first episode, which will be coming soon! 

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Episode I: Lethal Weapons

Spoiler

Jjs: Hehehe look Lois, we’re riffing Family Guy now!  I’m long past the stage of yelling over cartoons and I moved on from Family Man years ago…but damn, when Clappy suggested this idea, I could not resist. Family Guy, much like Nostalgia Critic, is a show of somewhat importance to SBC lore. A good amount of members here used to watch it and it’s spawned tons of memes in the community, mainly used to mock it nowadays. I used to be a big fan of Family Guy ever since I was a young lad. I would religiously watch it every Sunday night with the rest of that Animation Domination block. Around Season 12 though, I finally had enough and dipped because good lord, what an awful season that was. :bruh: There’s a few scant newer episodes I’ve seen since, but otherwise my days of following this show’s batshit antics are long done. Most knowledge I have of modern episodes comes from secondhand or a few out of context YouTube clips that get recommended to me once in a blue moon. (I see what you’re doing, trying to drag me back in; Well, I ain’t buyin’!) Mad respect to anyone who has bothered to keep up with it weekly, and I have heard it’s had a few occasional rebounds in quality, but I have no real desire to see what I’ve missed at this point. I’m so tired of adult animated shows running on indefinitely and refusing to stay in the grave. But that’s another conversation entirely. good am

Now I know what you’re thinking: so much of Family Guy essentially riffs itself, so can we really add any new perspectives you haven’t heard before? You’re not wrong to question the point of this. But, we’re a daring community, so I decided to take the challenge, even if I look like a sellout hack who is low on ideas. Much like with Nostalgia Critic, I want to paint a line that shows the decline over time and show what exactly went wrong. How exactly did we go from the early days to the fascinating trainwreck it is today? There’s a lot of reasons everyone’s said by now, but perhaps this trip through time will shed new light on why the show has the issues it does today. Or if we add nothing new to the conversations, then at least hopefully you'll get a few cheap laughs. It’s only fair we start from the beginning, so we’ll be kicking this off with a Season 3 episode from the classic era to show where some of the eventual problems began. As many fond memories as I have with the classic era episodes, those are not perfect by any means either and have several elements that haven’t aged well as you’ll see with this episode chosen. Admittedly this specific episode may be a strange choice, but we were low on options for this spot, oops. I know our NC riffs could drag at times for some, so these transcripts won't be as detailed, plus every episode is guaranteed only 22 minutes. Let’s roll.

OMJ: *barges out of closet and points at you angrily* Well that’s the best I could come up with. Long story short, I loved this show as a kid, would quote and talk about it a lot with friends in elementary, I got all three original seasons AND the Freakin’ Sweet Collection on dvd when I was like 11/12 because I loved the show so much, the show comes back on the air no doubt thanks to my purchases, I loved the newer episodes enough to get the next two season sets, I got Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story for my PSP thinking “holy crap Lois, it’s the freakin’ Family Guy movie! You know how much I wanted one of those!”, I even got some of the figures and whatnot from Suncoast back in the day (still regret not getting the Peter vs Giant Chicken double pack, fuck), the show kinda lost me somewhere between 2008-2009, I came back in 2011 because And Then There Were Fewer and Back to the Pilot were both that damn good, and I’ve more or less kept up with the show since then.

Do I still love the show as much as I used to? Of course not, but it still makes a good time waster whenever I have nothing better to watch and it still gets its laughs out of me, even in the modern day. I won’t deny that this show definitely has its stinkers, and the the episodes I saw in consideration for these riffs were the usual suspects as I expected, but the one we’re riffing here first definitely caught my attention. I was like, “Lethal Weapons? Really??” This was always one of my favorites of the OG 3 seasons and I honestly never heard anything bad said about it. Have I missed something during all my times watching this particular episode? I decided to come on board and help riff this one to see if this really is infamous enough to warrant being among some of the worst this show has to offer. 

[Theme song.

Jjs: IT SEEMS TODAY

Episode opens with the Griffin family, Joe and Bonnie on a boat.]

Jjs: Take a good hard look at the motherfucking boat!

Joe: Whoo-hoo baby! Twelve in a row!

Peter: [to Bonnie] You must've had a great body before it went all funhouse mirror on you.

Jjs: *laugh track*

OMJ: Heheheheheh, Bonnie was pregnant for like two and a half years at this point.

Lois: I can't believe how terrific you look.

Bonnie: Thanks. I've been taking tae-jitsu classes. You should come with me sometime.

OMJ: Holy crap! This reminds me of the time I took that tae-jitsu class with Rock Lee from Naruto!

Cutaway!OMJ: *breaks arms and legs due to heavy, earth shattering weights wrapped around them* This all seems very impractical.

Lois: I'd love to.

Bonnie: Oh, the baby's kicking. Want to feel?

Jjs: That baby will be kicking for another 7 years. No, really, for those not versed in Family Guy lore, that’s actually how long it takes for the baby to finally be born. The more you know!

OMJ: And she’ll be voiced by Sir Patrick Stewart.

Peter: Sure. Ow! Oh, You are freakin' dead, kid!

Lois: Peter!

Jjs: Whoa, hold on there, we’re not that edgy yet!

OMJ: 🎶My God, this kid is freakin’ DEEEEEAAAAAD!🎶

Meg: I love this time of year.

Jjs: Shut up Meg, I do not need this right now.

Brian: Me, too. The summer tourists are gone, and we finally have the town to ourselves before those idiots from New York show up to watch the leaves change and take over the whole place.

Jjs: Nice job jinxing it. Douche. It’s things like this that make me wish Brian had stayed dead.

OMJ: Ha. Leaves changing. I would never know the feeling.

Peter: It’s funny because he lives in Hawaii.

[Cars honking]

Jjs: CRASHIN FRASHIN BREAK DANCERS!

Brian: Leafers!

Peter: Holy crap! We gotta get outta here!

[Dramatic instrumental music]

Jjs: I respect this dramatic instrumental music choice, because New Yorkers are that scary.

Bonnie: What about the boat?

Jjs: Bonnie asking the important questions here.

Joe: Leave it!

OMJ: I bet they regret resisting the call of the Mystery Box now.

[Peter struggles to insert key into the car door]

Jjs: Can they raise the stakes any higher!?

Lois: Hurry, Peter! They're almost here!

Chris: We're too late!

[Car pulls up and New Yorkers get out of it]

New Yorker: Yo, Matty. Check out those colors. Yellow like a taxi, orange like the ball at the Knicks game and red like the sauce on my Mamma Mia's cu cazz.

Jjs: Don’t forget green like those crazy talking ninja turtles I see at night. 

OMJ: 🤌🏽

Matty: Yeah, and brown like the guys I don't pick up in my cab.

Jjs: At least he’s only bigoted towards brown people. He’s slowly but surely working his way up to becoming woke. I like to see the bright side where I can.

OMJ: … 🤌🏻

New Yorker: Beautiful!

ALL: Aaahhh!

Jjs: Real New Yorkers!

Diane Simmons: Good evening. Tonight's top story: Quahog is infested with loud, hairy creatures, also known as "New Yorkers."

Jjs: In case you guys haven’t realized, this episode really doesn’t like New Yorkers. 

Tom Tucker: They migrate north every autumn to see the foliage. I think I speak for all of us when I say New York and everyone from there can fornicate themselves with an iron stick.

Jjs: You could find and replace “New Jersey” instead of New York and it probably wouldn’t change the episode significantly. The stereotypes they’re going for are more or less the same. And no, I wouldn’t be offended either.

[Horns honking]

Jjs: Damn, we went from cars honking to the horns themselves doing the honking. I like this subtle evolution, but where do we go from here?

Lois: We're gonna be late for church.

Peter: Move it! Damn leafers.

Jjs: This can be chalked up to early installment weirdness, but Peter never really seems passionate or interested in religion in later seasons (then again, who knows if he even understands the concept to begin with), so him being this eager to get to church feels weird. Not really a criticism of this episode, just an intriguing observation.

OMJ: I think that side of him officially died when he tried to create a church revolving around The Fonz.

Meg: Chris, quit it! Mom, Chris put his foot on my side again!

Chris: I can't help it. I have these long dancer's legs.

Peter: Heheheheheh. It’s funny because they’re short and stout.

Meg: Move it!

Jjs: Once again, shut up Meg. Starting to see why they hate you so much now.

Stewie: Meg, stop whining! Chris, stay on your side! Lois, for God's sake, get off your ass and do some parenting!

OMJ: It’s almost as if Stewie just predicted the future trajectory of Lois’ character.

Lois: If you kids don't knock it off, we're not going to McDonald's after church.

Jjs: Nothing to soothe those good old fashioned Christian values like a Big Mac.

OMJ: Or as it’s better known as in Season 6, most likely to avoid a lawsuit up the ass, McBurgertown!

Both: Mom!

Peter: Don't worry, we're going. 

[Lois glares at Peter]

Jjs: :glare: 

Oh… but you don't get the supersize.

Chris: But Dad!

Jjs: Fuck off Chris, you ungrateful asshole. Didn’t think I’d hate someone more than Brian or Meg this early on, but here we are.

OMJ: How did they manage to park a van in their car?

Peter: Okay, you can supersize, but no apple pie.

Jjs: Would you like an apple pie with thaaaat?

Meg: Come on!

Peter: Okay, you get an apple pie, but you can't blow on it.

Peter: Heheheheheh. Blow.

Jjs: And you can't eat it with a fork either.

Lois: Peter, don't contradict me in front of the kids!

Peter: Siblings fighting is as natural as a white man's dialogue in a Spike Lee movie.

Jjs: You think DAT’s bad Lois? Behold our first cutaway gag!

Black Man: Wassup? Can I get two slices of pepperoni?

White Man: [Incoherent growling]

Jjs: Rumors say that if you can examine this white man’s incoherent growling very carefully, beneath it is a subtle abstract metaphor for Italian philosophy.

OMJ: I think this guy and that New York cab driver would hit it off pretty well.

[Family enters the crowded church]

Lois: Who are all these people?

Jjs: I thought it’s already been well established by now it’s those annoying leafer New Yorkers. Lois needs to get her short-term memory loss looked into.

Peter: Damn New Yorkers! They took all the good seats.

Jjs: Damn leafers, damn New Yorkers, damn New Jerseysians, damn Peter, damn you all.

Elderly Woman: Aren't you precious? [Screams]

OMJ: For the sake of context, this is what she was screaming at

hu9ngssD-PREhoMcQytwoDdM2IVX4pQwUanPXepO

Stewie: Some of my novelty items were provided by Jack's Joke Shop of South Attleboro, Massachusetts. Remember, "If it ain't funny, it ain't worth jack."

Jjs: It’s too bad the later writers didn’t remember that motto, cause they could sure use it.

OMJ: Now it’d probably be provided by Al Harrington’s Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Emporium and Warehouse and Joke Shop located off of Route 2 in Weekapaug!

Priest: I'd like to welcome all our out-of-town parishioners. My cousin, Father Sapienza, is in from New York to see the leaves. And I'd like to invite him to do the opening prayer.

Father Sapienza: Yo! God is good, eh? And he expects us to be good. And if you're not, he's gonna come down and bust your freaking skull. Amen.

Jjs: The Bible sounds very different than I remembered.

OMJ: I can totally see God as a mob boss in his downtime.

Man: Who do you think you're talking to? Your God ain't tougher than me!

Man 2: You can't talk to the Father like that, you stupid cafone! I oughta come over there and break your freakin' arm!

Jjs: I’m glad they at least put their research into studying Italian slang words like “cafone.” 

Man: You wanna go, tough guy? I'll snap you in half like an almond biscotti from Valero's on 51st Street. Best in the city!

Peter: Fellas, this is God's house, and the Patriots kick off in about 45 minutes. Can we move this along?

Jjs: Peter really wants to be anywhere else. I knew he never liked religion!

Man: Patriots suck!

Peter: Blasphemy! [throws "holy water" at the leafer]

Jjs: The power of Beter compels you!

Man: It burns!

[Cutaway to a lab. A scientist picks up a bottle]

Scientist: Holy water? Where's that acid I ordered?

Jjs: Part of me is curious as to how Peter stole this scientist’s acid, but another part of me feels that’s the charm in not knowing.

Stewie: Hey, Guido, watch this. 

Jjs: Stewie confirmed Italianphobe. As an Italian myself, I demand his cancellation immediately. Looks like this episode isn't getting my Italian seal of approval, ay. 😔 

I've got to lay off the coffee! Ha-cha-cha! That's Jack's, Exit 14 off 295.

OMJ: Use code “WHATTHEDEUCE” to get 10% off your first purchase!

Trainer: Tae-jitsu is about power for your body and your mind. Don't be afraid to free the beast inside you. Left kick, right kick, punch combo, stomp! Beautiful. Again. Left kick. You're doing great for your first lesson.

Jjs: I really appreciate this episode walking us through the tae-jitsu steps for anyone interested in learning. I’m not, but maybe someone out there is.

Lois: I'm really cutting loose. Just like Julie Andrews in that movie where she showed her breasts.

[Cutaway to Mary Poppins. Focus on Jane and Michael Banks]

Boy: Oh, Mary. You'll never leave us, will you? [Mary unbuttons her top, exposing her chest] Yes, those are lovely. But it doesn't quite answer our question.

Jjs: Make your question less vague next time, dumbass.

OMJ: Where was this version all my life?

[Crowd cheering on TV]

Man: Jets rule!

Jjs: Somewhere from beyond, G4ry is pleased.

Peter: Hey, watch where you're going, will you? Hey, Horace, put the Pats game on the TV, and get me a few beers, huh?

Horace: Sorry, Peter. Someone stole the remotes...and the kegs. And I'm not sure, but I think I've been shot. [looks at bullet wound in his stomach] Yep.

Jjs: Yep. *sips beer*

OMJ: Don’t worry. He doesn’t die for like another 12 years.

Man: Hey, pal, watch my seat. I gotta bleed the lizard.

Cleveland: Public urination is just wrong. Except during the Million Man March when protesters burned our Porta-Potties. Then I used my stream of justice to put out the hate.

Jjs: That’s naaasssty.

Quagmire: I don't know, fellas, I think there's potential in this crowd. Hey, honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East Side?

Transvestite: [deep voice] Sure.

Quagmire: Whoa, transvestite! Back off! Wait a second. Pre-op or post-op?

Transvestite: Pre-op.

Quagmire: Whoa, transvestite! Back off! 

Jjs: Here’s one joke of many that definitely did not age well. I get this was a different time so I’m not going to press hard over this, but still kinda awkward to look back on. Honestly though, anything related to Quagmire’s whole character has aged badly if we wanna go there, but that’s a topic for another episode.

OMJ: Boy, is Quagmire gonna be in for a big surprise in about 9 years.

You're right. This place blows. We gotta send these straphangers back where they came from.

Peter: Don't worry. I got an idea. An idea so smart my head would explode if I even began to know what I was talking about.

Jjs: Look at this foreshadowing!

[outside]

Peter: [Angry growl] I am a man-eating tree. Go back to New York, or I will eat you! Just like I ate insane New York anchorman Dan Rather. 

Jjs: Given he’s still kicking today, he evidently made it out of Peter’s digestive track, so no need to worry here folks. 

And look who I had for dessert. Asexual former mayor Ed Koch. 

Jjs: Now he on the other hand, did not. RIP.

Leave my land, or I will smite you with my powerful limb.

Jjs: I personally interpret this as a subtle callback to Petoria. It definitely wasn’t intended as one, but I like to headcanon it is. Family Guy lore is such a rich tapestry you can do whatever you want with it, really.

Man: What are you, nuts? Gimme that branch. Get off of me!

Peter: Why you…

[Man and Peter get into a fight]

Lois: Oh, my God! Stop fighting! [punches man in face, sending him to the ground]

Jjs: Lois for Smash when?

Peter: Holy crap!

OMJ: …Lois!

Lois: Oh, my God!

Chris: Mom, you could be a world champion, and no one could hit you below the belt because girls don't have anything down there. Can you teach me to kick ass?

Jjs:

OMJ: Funnily enough, that also happens in about 9 years.

Lois: Oh, no. I do not condone violence. And I am not gonna be responsible for bringing fist fighting into our schools.

Jjs: Lois confirmed to only support peaceful protests.

Brian: Gee, Lois. Can you hear me all the way back there in the '50s?

OMJ: Brian, your progressivism is starting to show.

Stewie: Well, that was lame.

Lois: Poor Peter. I emasculated him in front of all those people. I think he's really upset.

Jjs: I think so too, Lois. Please point out more of the obvious for us.

Peter: Gather around, everybody. $10 is all it takes! Step right up and fight my wife! Come one, come all. She floats like a butterfly and stings like when I pee.

Jjs: Ah, ah, I see what they did there!

OMJ: He should probably get that checked.

Lois: Peter, I am not a sideshow attraction, at least not anymore.

[Dwarf Lois in cage at carnival, bouncing on trampoline]

Lois: Me likey bouncy. Me likey bouncy.

Jjs: I’m quite frankly pretty disappointed this piece of lore was never followed up again, to my knowledge. I really would like to learn more about young Lois’s carnival days.

OMJ: I would also like to know what miraculous, revolutionary procedure turned a dwarf into a fully grown woman.

Lois: I want you to get rid of all this right now because I am never fighting again. Ever!

Jjs: Press X to doubt.

Peter: Come on, Chris. We'll have to go to Plan B.

Jjs: B for Beter.

Chris: [growling] Oh, no! Ah! Oh, God! Oh, my God! Help me! Help me, for God's sake! He's gonna kill me! Help!

Peter: Don't worry. It's a trained bear. He's in no real danger.

Jjs: I trust Beter's judgment. Chris needs to suck it up.

OMJ: It’s still real to me, dammit!

Lois: He's teaching a class. I can't bother him now.

Peter: Sure you can. Hey! Hey, Ralph Macchio! My wife here needs to talk to you. There you go, honey.

OMJ: I think maybe John Kreese or Johnny Lawrence would’ve been more apropos.

Trainer: What is it, Lois?

Lois: I-I don't think I should do tae-jitsu anymore. I'm afraid I'm gonna hurt someone.

Jjs: Tell that to the random guy you knocked out earlier. But he was a New Yorker, so he deserved it.

Trainer: But, Lois, you're my star pupil. I want you in my advanced class.

Lois: Advanced class? No, no, no, no. I'm trying to quit.

Trainer: Fine, quit. But get used to people walking all over you.

Jjs: -4pg0DDfT-y9wK7lMcEnfy1RH9c_dJTT3wqckHL0

Peter: Wait, hold on there. Nobody walks all over my wife, because I won't let them.

Lois: Peter…

Peter: Quiet, Lois. Men are talking. She learns things eventually, it just takes her longer. Come on, honey, we're outta here. If you hurry, I'll let you try on hats. I won't let you buy, but you can try 'em on.

Lois: I'll do it.

OMJ:

[Inspiring instrumental music]

Lucy: [Sobbing]

Jjs: I’d sob too at that inspiring instrumental music.

Lois: Stewie, you want to swing?

Stewie: Yes. Why not? I'll have a go at it. Perhaps a quick stretch first. [hurts] Damn! Must've pulled something playing hoops last week.

[Cutaway to Stewie playing basketball]

Stewie: I know you're not putting that rock up from here. You ain't got no J.

Player: Yo, man! That's trippin'!

Stewie: Brother, please! You're the one who's trippin'! Go on, cry home to your mama! She waitin' for ya.

Player: Now don't make me put my size 13s up your narrow ass!

Stewie: I don't sweat you! You bring it on, bitch! Now, how you gonna act? Bring that trash in here! This is my house!

Jjs: Book of Boba Fett’s got nothing on in-depth, meaty flashbacks like this. I learned quite a lot about Stewie’s characterization here.

[Another woman’s child takes swing]

Lois: Excuse me. We were about to use that.

Woman: You snooze, you lose, lady.

Lois: You have two choices. Either my baby swings from this jungle gym, or you do.

Jjs: Despite Lois wishing to suppress her inner violent side, an evil Karen will force her to unleash it. I really like these nuanced character arcs.

OMJ:

Stewie: Whoo, Lois! Someone's wearing their ovaries on the outside!

OMJ: That sounds painful.

Lois: She saw me walking to the swing!

Stewie: Yes, she saw you. Easy now.

Lois: Nobody walks all over me! Those days are over! Lois demands respect!

Jjs: Lois has now fully shifted her stance on peaceful protests, feeling violence is justified. This character development is truly astounding. It's no wonder people are so disappointed with her character in later seasons when they just couldn't recapture the tight characterization of episodes like this.

OMJ: And nowadays, this is pretty much what her character has been reduced to.

[Stewie goes flying off the swing, screams and lands in another baby's stroller]

Stewie: I smell a messy diaper. God! Why does that turn me on?

Jjs: Well, who are we to fetish shame?

[Chris and Meg are trying to rake leaves]

Chris: Hold it, Meg. Those two are mine.

Meg: What?

Chris: That's Randy and that's Fred. Randy is the messy one. Fred's very neat. When you get them together, hoo-hoo, hold onto your sides.

Jjs: I smell a spin-off! They had a lot of potential with Randy & Fred here over Cleveland.

Meg: Nice to meet you both.

Chris: Murderer!

Jjs: Wow, look at this foreshadowing 8 years in advance, Bravo Seth!!!

https://familyguy.fandom.com/wiki/Dial_Meg_for_Murder 

Lois: Stop it, both of you! Starting now, you two are gonna love each other! 

Jjs: Once again, hold off on that thought for another decade, you guys ain’t that edgy yet!

Now stay that way.

Chris: It's gonna be weird to potty.

OMJ: Aah you two will be doing stuff weirder in due time.

Peter: Sheesh, Lois, look at the garbage those damn leafers dumped on our lawn. New York Post, 

Jjs: The show was really ahead of its time with this shot here.

New York Magazine, the New York Mets.

Lois: Peter, I'm sick and tired of hearing you whine about the leafers! 

OMJ: Facts.

 

Jjs: In his defense, I'd be pretty annoyed too if New York Post got dumped on my lawn.

Take some action! Free the beast!

Jjs: A strangely good metaphor for modern day political discourse. This episode has more subtle layers than we think.

[Quagmire is looking out the window naked at Lois beating up New Yorkers]

Quagmire: That was strangely arousing.

Jjs: Well, who are we to fetish shame? Volume 2

OMJ: WHO ELSE BUT QUAGMIRE?!

[the window slams shut on his penis] OW! [tries to get unstuck, then picks up his phone] Hello, 911? It's Quagmire. Yeah. Yeah. It's in a window this time.

Jjs: Next week on The Quagmire Show, it’ll get stuck in a door.

OMJ: WHO ELSE BUT QUAGMIRE?!

[New Yorkers run away, scared of Lois]

Brian: Wow, look at them run.

Peter: Wait a second, Brian. That gives me an idea.

OMJ: Wednesday, August 22nd; Peter had an idea.

[Cut to Drunken Clam]

Lois: The Drunken Clam? Why couldn't we go someplace fancy like The Olive Garden? Oh, the breadsticks. Me likey breadsticks! Me likey- [to self] You're a big girl now. Stop it!

Jjs: Olive Garden is a fitting restaurant to name drop for this episode. Rumors say the Family Guy writing team even got invited there for dinner after making this episode as a thanks for the ad, on the house!

Peter: Hold on, Lois. Excuse me, New Yorker. I think you're in my seat, and I had sex with your mother last night.

Jjs: How will he ever recover from that?

Lois: Peter, are you crazy?

New Yorker: What did you say?

Jjs: Punk?

Peter: About the seat, or about my plowing your father's wife?

Lois: [Lois hits him] What the hell are you doing?

Jjs: Calm down, he’s just trying to adapt to the New Yorker culture.

Peter: Excuse me. Is your refrigerator running? Because if it is, it probably runs like you. Very homosexually.

OMJ: Don’t even go there, Peter ddBPf3Vdg8A0gMCjPtIIC_Jp_tKxxaQKOPHlejVM

New Yorker: What?

Jjs: Idk about y’all, but this evil New Yorker is responding pretty chill to a guy saying he plowed his mother and accusing him of being gay. I can’t hate him, and we’re supposed to be rooting for Peter here!

Lois: You wanna dance?

[Peter goads various people to fight Lois, including Superman characters]

Jjs: Lois vs Lois Lane, the ultimate crossover we didn't know we needed.

Peter: Jets suck! 

Jjs: Somewhere from beyond, G4ry is not pleased.

Yankees suck! Knicks suck! Krypton sucks! That's right. Go back where you came from, you bastards.

Jjs: I do sort of hope Quahog cooled down on their xenophobia of New Yorkers over the past 20 years. But then again, fuck em.

[At martial arts class]

Trainer: We'll conclude today's graduation ceremony with a demonstration by the black belts. Okay, people, let's show them what we've learned. Kathy, get in there with Lois.

Kathy: I can't. I have cramps.

Jjs: One-Time Family Guy Characters: Where Are They Now?

Lois: Why are you putting me up against the scrubs, Jared? Why don't you be a man and fight me yourself?

Jjs: Lois looking for a greater challenge is a fitting symbolic parallel in how we chose a tougher episode to riff to start.

Trainer: Lois, the sensei is a sacred position. I could never violate the spiritual bond of the student-master relationship.

Lois: Oh. Then allow me. [slaps across face]

Lois: Keep that spiritual bond nonsense out of your GODDAMN MOUTH!

Trainer: The bond is broken!

OMJ: WORLDSTAR!

Lois: Then spin the wheel, Raggedy Man!

Jjs: I headcanon that this sensei's name is really Raggedy Man.

OMJ: I am a sucker for Beyond Thunderdome references.

Stewie: Go, Lois! Pummel him with your powerful fists of female fury! And then when he's weary, emasculate him with your incessant nagging! Women! Yakety, yak, yak, yak. You know. Enjoy the fight.

Jjs: Here tonight, on Family Guy Deathmatch!

OMJ: I’m sure the fight will be good, but will it be a good night tho?

[Martial arts fight music]

Jjs: Should've been Eye of The Tiger. (yes, I know they eventually used it a decade later)

Lois: [Cry of victory]

OMJ:

Peter: Lois, that was amazing! Congratul-

Lois: [grabs his crotch] This is mine! This is where my babies come from!

Jjs: I’m glad Lois is giving us both jitsu and sex ed lessons today.

OMJ: Shouldn’t she be grabbing his chin?

 

[In their bedroom, Peter is laying on the bed watching tv]

Announcer: And now back to the Movie of the Week: Speed 3 - Glacier of Doom.

OMJ: Now this is one for SBCinema.

Jjs: Duly noted.

Man: If this glacier goes slower than one mile a year, we're all dead!

Woman: Tell me something I don't know! Get out of the way!

[Lois turns tv off]

Jjs: Note to self: Never show Lois Speed 3 - Glacier of Doom.

Peter: Lois, I was watching that. What you looking at?

Lois: The underpants, lose 'em!

Jjs: Jitsu can really make a mofo horny.

OMJ: There’s that good ol’ Family Man humor I know and love!

Peter: Actually, I sort of have a headache, kinda. See, maybe tomorrow, or…

Jjs: You could’ve tried a better alibi than that, like you can’t lose your underpants because you already lost them!

Lois: Take 'em off!

OMJ: oh geez

Peter: [scared] Yeah. Okay, honey.

Jjs: So yeah, this is a part of the episode that hasn’t aged well for people, to say the least. This specific part is exactly why this episode got recommended by several users as our classic era choice in the end, and I can see why. While the way this is portrayed makes it hard to take seriously and is ultimately a small part of the episode (although that itself is a problem), still, if the roles were reversed, this episode definitely wouldn't have been made at all. This feels like an early sneak peek into the edgy shock value scenarios we’ll eventually devolve into, showing it's always been in the show's DNA deep down.

OMJ: I get that it’s played for laughs and it’s kind of a way for Peter to get his comeuppance for manipulating Lois into fighting his battles for him, by getting taken advantage of by a monster of his own creation. But yeah, can totally see why this looks bad in hindsight.

[Next morning, Peter is at the kitchen table eating crackers]

Stewie: Whoa! What the hell are you doing? Those are my graham crackers!

Peter: Run along, Stewie. Daddy had a rough night.

Jjs: I hope you learned your lesson about watching Speed 3- Glacier of Doom.

Stewie: Why you tottering, femme-sucked dewberry. I'm going to go find something to strike you with. Excuse me.

Jjs: I really appreciated Stewie’s strong and varied vocabulary in the earlier seasons, especially for teaching me words like “deuce.”

Brian: Good morning. Peter, you look terrible. What happened?

Peter: Last night, Lois was the man!

Brian: Good Lord!

Peter: I just want you to know, Brian-I didn't cry.

Jjs: Peter continuing to conform to gender stereotypes even after the trauma he induced. Poor guy.

Brian: It's okay.

Lois: Oh, no! Peter! Stewie, what did you do?

OMJ: Why didn’t he just put the graham crackers back in the box?!

Brian: Looks like he freed the beast all over the back of Peter's head.

Lois: Oh, my God. This is my fault. This is my fault. I brought violence into this house! I am the worst mother in the world!

Jjs: I wouldn’t go that far, jeez, the egotism in this show!

OMJ: I mean, just give it another two decades.

Stewie: Aha! I got it all on tape! Okay. This is me interviewing Ed Sullivan. What's new, Ed? [Imitating Ed Sullivan] "Well, Stewie, tonight we have a really big show." Okay. And now a word from our sponsors. "It takes a very steady hand. Don't touch the sides! Butter fingers." I was making radio shows for fun. Everybody does it. Everybody I know...shut up!

Jjs: Ed Sullivan either rolled in his grave or was flattered by this imitation. Take your pick, viewers.

OMJ: I don’t think Jack’s Joke Shop will very much appreciate being replaced by Butter Fingers.

Psychologist: Now, Stewart, I want you to take this Mommy doll and this Daddy doll and show me how they act together.

Stewie: Yes. Very well. All right. "You see, Margaret, after 20-odd years of marriage, your curious indiscretions no longer phase me." "Really? And I suppose you think I enjoy hanging onto those hammocky deposits of gin sugars you call buttocks?" What was that? What did you just write there?

Psychologist: Give me that!

Stewie: "Insecurity? Gender confusion?" 

Jjs: What is this, Soviet Russia?

OMJ; Stewie getting a peek into his own future, I see.

I'll give you something to write about! Ooh, look at me! I'm insane! I'm Martin Lawrence on a bender!

Psychologist: Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, does Stewart have a history of aggression?

Lois: No, no. Hitting Peter is the first violent thing he's ever done.

Jjs: ...Who wants to tell her?

OMJ: I guess that cult leader’s body really wasn’t found after episode 2.

Stewie: Technically, the first act of violence was that time bomb I left ticking in your uterus before I came out. Happy 50th birthday, Lois.

OMJ: Considering she lived long enough to appear in the future as depicted in Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story, I’m guessing it really will be a happy 50th birthday.

Psychologist: It's obvious that your son is learning this behavior from someone.

Peter: I know who's responsible for Stewie's behavior. But if I told you who it was, Lois would beat the crap out of me.

Jjs: The culprit is clearly this fellow:

tFuqteXL0sDiQx3XXteKSQa4N9ZrmEXKFWVB3ATH

Speaking of, our sponsors interrupt this episode to announce the Evil Monkey NFT! Coming hopefully never.

OMJ: It’s not like Peter’s ever gotten into a fight with a Giant Chicken over an expired coupon or somethin.

Lois: Now, just a minute! The whole reason I started fighting is because of you! I felt weak! You never listen to me! You undermine me in front of the kids! And besides, you're not exactly Father Of The Year yourself.

Psychologist: Well, there seems to be a lot of anger in your household. 

Jjs: Next this psychologist will go on to deduce that the dog can talk!

You owe it to your son to learn how to manage these feelings.

Stewie: Manage what?

Jjs: Your feelings, or is that word absent from your dictionary?

Lois: I know I went a little overboard with my tae-jitsu. But from now on, we're not gonna have any more anger in this house, okay?

Meg: Well, then tell Chris to quit drawing pictures of me with a pig's body.

Jjs: A subtle metaphor for how Chris himself is letting out his inner feelings of being a sexist pig. 

OMJ: Oh Meg, you’ll be put through much worse in due time.

Chris: Don't censor me!

Jjs: iHjjInwR97o0ZYA6hAfizgy0kLha6r78zxtYigtg

Lois: No more anger! Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal," where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. "Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's worthless and dumb, and ignore her, and only listen to me-Peter."

Jjs: Okay, me-Peter.

OMJ: Now THIS, on the hand, will age well.

Peter: "I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes. Like that Narragansett beer stein where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs." It was eight freakin' dollars, and we have a dozen places to put it!

Jjs: Let’s give a shoutout to Peter for being able to say Narragansett. Not quite as stupid as you think at this point in the show!

Stewie: Oh, oh, me next, me next! "I'm the dog. I'm well-read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door."

Jjs: I honestly don’t know who this one could be, I’m stumped.

OMJ: Ah, back when Brian was indeed well read and wasn’t just being a blowhard try-hard.

Brian: "I'm a pompous little anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim."

Jjs: We’re on Season 20 now and still no sign of this elusive Jim anywhere. 🙁

OMJ: Though Brian does hit the nail on the head with the writers having Stewie eventually give up his plans for world domination and have him embrace more of his gay side.

[Peter takes a juice box from the fridge, but can’t put straw into it, so he smashes it onto the table]

Jjs: This acts as subtle foreshadowing to the Season 7 episode "The Juice is Loose!" They really planned out more than we think, wow.

Brian: Whoa, whoa, Peter, calm down.

Peter: I'm sick of Lois' anger-management techniques, Brian. They're not working.

Brian: What about the writing-angry-letters-and-not-sending-them exercise?

Peter: Aw, jeez, I wasn't supposed to send those?

Jjs:

Meg: Look. I got a letter from Dad. "Dear Meg, for the first four years of your life, I thought you were a housecat." Dad!

Jjs: That could’ve been a lot worse given what they say about you in later years. So much ungratefulness and entitlement from Meg. Maybe she really does deserve her drags.

OMJ: Oh, so that explains her disembodied tail that they keep in a box in that one episode!

Stewie: "Dear Stewie, get out." Oh, that's nice.

Jjs: He bothered to put a “Dear” which I have to agree is pretty nice. It’s better than “to whom it may concern.”

OMJ: I’m sure Peter was just trying to recommend his favorite Jordan Peele film to him.

Lois: Mine just says, "Dear Lois." And after that, it looks like someone just spit on the paper! You got something to say to me?

Jjs: Clearly a metaphor for how you spat on their marriage with how you treated him last night.

Peter: Yeah. PS... [Deep snort] 

Jjs: Pass me some of that buddy. 😉

Hold on a second.

Brian: Hold on, hold on. Relax. Everybody, relax. 

Jjs: pHcp8L_GKkHlsNoQYtVSNzkxx-hpNNaZFJJc5cuG

All right, look, I was hoping it wouldn't come to this, but we need to get our anger under control before we kill each other. No, my psychiatrist gave me these pills. They're mood elevators. I think they could help...even us out.

Lois: We're not taking pills. It's not natural.

Jjs: Yet coke wasn't off limits for you in the past.

Peter: Neither is bleaching the hair on your upper lip, Martin Mull!

Lois: Give us the pills!

OMJ: This reminds me of the time I was on gazebos.

[African tribal music]

Jjs: I really admire the music diversity.

ALL: Oom, bop bop.

Jjs: I want what they’re having.

Lois: That was fun. What country should we do next?

OMJ: What?! They didn’t get Stewie’s bitchin’ shekere solo!

Chris: Monaco! Oh, wait. That's a principality.

Jjs: Or is it the bagel?

OMJ: Why not Petoria?

Brian: You guys want to hear something really funny? Those pills I gave you were placebos. Sugar pills!

Jjs: That wasn't funny at all, douche.

Peter: Wait a minute. Are you telling me I sang Ladysmith Black Mambazo for nothing?

Jjs: It was cool tho

Lois: Did it kill you to be multi-cultural for a minute?

Peter: I died a little inside, yes. You happy now?

Jjs: The first of many cancellations to come for Peter.

Lois: Don't you use that tone of voice, you…

Jjs: Not nice person!

Peter: What were you going to say? "Fat ass"?

Chris: "Wide load"?

Meg: "Dough boy"?

Stewie: "Country virtuoso Roy Clark"?

Jjs: RIP

OMJ: Hey, it’s that line I said during that one other Riffing Theater episode!

Lois: How about "all of the above"?

Peter: How is this for a name? "Miss, Pony Express is in." "What do you got for me, Joe?" "Let me see here. It's here somewhere. Here we are. A big bag of liver spots for Lois!"

[Lois punches Peter]

Peter: You just hit me!

Lois: That's right! 

[Peter punches her back, knocking her onto the floor]

Jjs: Peter and Lois for Smash

Lois: You can't hit me! I'm a girl!

Jjs: This episode really gave a middle finger to political correctness.

Peter: Sometimes I wonder. 

OMJ: Pi_nn5yltiFYABX3t79JG1bvQRdeDnwIDZ9ntqjD

Kicking, Lois?

Lois: Hurts, doesn't it?

Peter: You tell me.

Chris: Go, Dad! Kick her ass!

OMJ: Little does Chris know just how intensely he’ll come to resent his father in future episodes.

Meg: Shut up! This is all Dad's fault!

Jjs: It’s *burp* Peter’s fault!

OMJ: And this is the moment Peter decided to forever treat Meg like shit.

Chris: I don't like to be touched!

OMJ: Personal space up in this place!

[The Griffins fight for a few minutes.]

Jjs: Just another Tuesday in the Griffin household.

OMJ: Ah, one of the big fights that inspired me to throw fight scenes into Skodwarde. Yes, my Survival of the Idiots owes a lot to both this and The Boondocks.

Brian: [laughs] Man, I'm glad we got that out of our systems.

Jjs: (laughs) Same Brian.

Meg: I wonder what came over us?

Jjs: The New Yorker infecting you all, the placebo, or an awkwardly written into a corner ending, your pick.

Peter: Heheheheheh. Came.

Chris: Maybe people are naturally violent.

Lois: I don't believe that. I think it's all the TV we watch. There's so much violence.

Jjs: and don’t forget that sex on TV too!

Peter: Yeah. TV is dangerous. Why doesn't the hell doesn't the government step in and tell us what we can and can't watch? 

Jjs: I don’t think that’s a good idea. Didn’t you read 1984 like everyone else claims to?

And shame on the network that puts this junk on the air!

OMJ: Ah, the beginning of all the juicy FOX shade. 

Lois: Peter? Peter, maybe you shouldn't say anything bad about the network.

Jjs: Don’t worry, they're not letting you go anytime soon.

Peter: Why? What are they gonna do? Cut our budget? I'm gonna go get a beer.

Jjs: This episode is a somewhat good indicator of the seeds being planted for problems people would have down the line, mostly in regards to the family fighting over dumb stuff. This wasn’t really terrible by any means, but it feels…awkward? The overall structure of this feels almost as disjointed as one you’d see in the modern era. We go from a bunch of jokes about annoying New Yorkers to Lois doing tae-jitsu to Peter getting assaulted by Lois to random, forced family feud. It feels like a game of mad libs and doesn’t connect naturally. Which I guess is a good representation for the show nowadays, so maybe this was a fitting first episode choice. I understand if people still find this a weird choice to start despite some of my criticisms above, but we weren’t really spoiled with options from this era and I wanted to give the classic era at least one piece of representation. Definitely a tougher riff to pull off, but I didn't mind starting off with something a lil challenging since the episodes from here mostly speak for themselves. Next time, we’ll jump to 2007 in the early revival era, a time where the show begins to spawn a lot of mixed reactions to say the least.

OMJ: I wouldn’t say this has exactly been one of my best riffing performances. Aside from the very uncomfortable in hindsight scene of Lois assaulting Peter and the distasteful Quagmire bar scene, this episode evidently is still worth most of its salt with me judging from my lack of good zingers and criticism throughout. Probably because it came at a time when I, myself, was taking self defense classes and I’m just a sucker for anything pertaining to martial arts in general. Jjs does bring up an excellent point about this episode laying the disjointed foundation for many more future ones to come like some sorta proto-modern day Family Guy. I never saw it in that light before and now I can’t quite unsee it. I got about three more of these left in my contract, and they’re much bigger stinkers than this one I can assure you. So I’ll see you all then! Get excited!

Peter: He’s been watching a lot of Dr. Stone during his down time.

OMJ: OH WILL YOU JUST SHUT UP ALREADY

 

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Episode II: Bill & Peter's Bogus Journey

Spoiler

Faye: Greetings SBC gang! It’s finally back to riffing again and Family Guy is right up my alley. It was my first real adult tv show, even before South Park, although I haven’t truly kept up with the show in eons. That being said, I saw this episode roughly around the time it aired so I’m a bit more familiar with it. I didn’t like it then and I can’t imagine Bill Clinton jokes have aged particularly well, but it should be a fun ride all the same.

Slug: 2007 was an interesting time for the Clintons, there was no Obama to steal their thunder, Hillary still looked like the frontrunner for 2008, nobody knew who Epstein was, and there was no #metoo to make people reevaluate Bill Clinton’s character. Needless to say, things aren’t looking as good for the Clintons these days, and judging by the quality of this episode, perhaps Seth MacFarlane accidentally cursed them. If that was it, then I wouldn’t be complaining that much, but unfortunately, I had to watch it too.

[Theme song. Episode opens on Griffins walking through the Quahog Marine Center]

Lois: This was such a great idea for a weekend activity.

Peter: Well, I thought it'd be good to get out of the house.I don't like the kids being around that racist sunflower that's growing in our yard.

Racist Sunflower: [looking at Cleveland] Hey, boy, don't you come walking by this house.

Cleveland: You're ignorant.

Slug: I think by explaining why this joke is bad I’d be giving it too much credit. However, what I will say is that this joke exemplifies a wider problem with this episode. Family Guy sometimes operates on a quasi-shitpost kind of humor, which can be fine in certain doses. However, when all your jokes are low effort, it begins to feel less like a creative decision and more akin to pure laziness. That gets old after 20 minutes.

Herbert: Hey, Mr. Eel. You're slippery. Oops, got away. Mmm, left my hand smelling funny. Come here, Jesse. Smell my finger. [Jesse crawls over to sniff Herbert’s finger] Mmm, today was a good day.

Faye: I remember the period of Family Guy where every episode had a totally unnecessary Herbert gag. Because child predators are funny everyone!

Slug: Herbert has always been one of the weakest Family Guy characters for me, even back in the old seasons. Nobody in the series is really complex, but having a character whose sole purpose is pedophilia jokes is on another level. It also makes it so that any attempt to make him more “Complex” will not work as you can’t make a pedophile likable. I imagine other riffers will delve into that with German Guy.

Peter: Hey, look, kids, it's a recreation of the lost city of New Orleans.

Chris: Dad, was there ever a real city of New Orleans?

Peter: No one knows, Chris. No one knows.

Faye: A Katrina joke… Was this too soon? I mean it was only 2007 when this first came out, so maybe not? Regardless, it wasn’t really funny enough to be worth straddling the line on.

Slug: Hey look, it’s a recreation of a Family Guy episode that’s actually funny.

Everyone else: Was there ever a real episode of Family Guy that was funny?

Slug: No one knows, no one knows.

Stewie: [putting two starfish on his nipples] Hey, Brian, look, I'm a stripper. I'm working my way through college. I should be more reluctant to take my clothes off, but I'm not because my stepfather had boundary issues.

Faye: Maybe not the right context, but this was also the era where Stewie evolved from “funny talking genius baby” to “extremely muddled, potentially gay genius baby” and it was one of the points that made me uninterested in the show.

Peter: [looking at octopus] Hey, there, Mr. Octopus. I see you got two eyes but not much else. We can fix that. [taking out a marker and drawing on the tank] Let's give you a nice tweedlie little mustache here. And maybe a big ol' dumb guy smiley mouth. And a couple of eyebrows with one raised up like you're saying, "Say what?" [tapping the glass] Oh, look who's got pimples, and right before the big dance.

Slug: Hardly a problem exclusive to this episode, but this joke drags out longer than it should be. It was never funny to begin with, but the general comedic timing of a lot of the more lackadaisical Family Guy episodes have a tendency to do this a lot.

[tapping too hard, the glass breaks, and the octopus grabs him in its tentacles]

Peter: It's so sucky and squeezy!

Faye: There’s a cock joke in there somewhere, but I’m not the one to make it.

Slug: That’s what she said, and she’s going to say it way too much in this episode.

Captain Seamus: I'll handle this. I've tangled with the likes of these before. [he pulls the octopus off and throws it against the wall]

Chris: Wow, that was awesome, Mr. Seamus.

Captain Seamus: Ah, it was nothing. That's how I caught old Woody over there. [in another tank, an octopus swims around with eight peg legs in place of its tentacles]

Faye: And just like that, this very bizarre and completely nonsensical segment of the episode is over. I get they were trying to get Peter to the Gym which leads to meeting Bill Clinton, but it felt like a totally different episode that they just stuffed in here.

Slug: When I watch Family Guy I’m not exactly looking for nuanced story structure, but with that said, this episode is haphazard enough for it to become a genuine problem. We’re really just at the tip of the iceberg, but for now I’ll all say that this entire opening sequence was pointless. You really could’ve just started the episode afterwards, given Peter some contrived reason to go to the gym, and nobody would care. We don’t need this amount of runtime to explain why Peter has to go somewhere, just make him say that he has to go to the gym to avoid another “Aquarium incident” and make this a quick cutaway gag.

[At Griffin household, Brian is watching tv]

Tom Tucker: In other news, former president Bill Clinton was in town today to judge Quahog's annual Miss Cankle USA contest.

Bill Clinton: [cut to him sitting at a fashion show runway] Now that's a cankle. Where does the calf fat end and the ankle fat begin? Who knows? That's the fun!

Faye: It took us two and a half minutes to even mention Bill Clinton in any episode that name drops him. Not a huge sign of confidence I must say.

Slug: And it’s going to take even longer to get to the actual plot of the episode. This would be more defensible if the episode was actually funny, but we’re already on thin ice on that front.

Lois: Brian, what is this on my shoe?

Slug: A subtle and genius metaphor for the decline in quality of this show?

Brian: My poop.

Lois: [wiping it off with a tissue] That's right, and it's disgusting. I am sick of you using the front yard as your bathroom. It's time you learned to use the toilet like everyone else.

Faye: Ah yes, the wacky Brian gets potty trained subplot that I didn’t even remember happened. I’ll let my apathy speak for itself.

Slug: Spoiler alert, an episode that can’t commit to a main plot isn’t going to have an engaging subplot.

Stewie: [running in] I'm going to sneeze, I'm going to sneeze… [takes the tissue] Achoo! [realizes what’s on tissue] Aaaaaah!!!

Slug: I’ve been very negative so far, so I’ll give them some credit here, this would’ve been MUCH grosser if it was done in s12.

Peter: Bye, Lois. I'm going to the gym.

Lois: Okay, see ya la... Wait, what? Since when do you go to the gym?

Slug: Since season 2. laSeD3A0WogWYYUQa24A_P6WBdVfPKidLpgVYosx

Peter: Well, it's just that whole thing at the aquarium made me realize I'm completely out of shape. I mean, what if I run into that octopus again?

Lois: Peter, that's ridiculous.

Lois: You’re reading the script out of order, Bill Clinton should already be here by now!

Octopus: [waiting for him outside] Ready for round two, man? I got all day. Hey, is that your wife? [Peter nervously closes blinds]

Faye: All seriousness, the series of events that it takes to lead us to the main plot is just so unreasonably convoluted even for an animated show like Family Guy. *eyes spinning*

Slug: I already criticized the aquarium section for being unnecessary, but honestly, even this gym section feels unneeded. All this sets up is Peter going to the hospital after trying to lift Clinton’s limo, which could’ve just been explained by Peter overestimating his fitness without any of this set-up. I may be getting a bit ahead of myself, but this episode’s structure really is awful, even the worst Mike Scully-era Simpsons episodes were more coherent than this.

[Peter runs into Quagmire and Cleveland at the gym]

Peter: Hey, I didn't know you guys work out here?

Quagmire: [spotting Cleveland's bench press] Yeah, it's a weekly regiment. Come on, come on, Cleveland, push it. Come on, come on, push it, push it. Come on, it's all you, it's all you, it's all… [an attractive woman walks by] Hey. [he lets go to follow her]

Faye: I don’t know if sexual deviant Quagmire is still funny or not, but I prefer him to what comes later in the series.

Slug: Maybe the sexual jokes with Quagmire are a bit overdone, but I can’t say I blame him for not wanting to stay in this episode for very long.

Cleveland: [unable to hold the weight up] Glenn, Glenn, Glenn, Glenn!!

Joe: Will you guys quiet down? I'm trying to concentrate on my cardio.

Slug: Tell the writers to concentrate on the plot next.

Peter: Hey, you guys the trainers here?

Phineas: Why, look, Barnaby, a new recreation enthusiast.

Barnaby: We'll start off your workout with vigorous calisthenics executed in rhythmic time with acetate pressings of the new musical craze called jazz.

Phineas & Barnaby: Steak and eggs and eggs and steak

That's what you should have for breakfast

Delicious

Steak and eggs and eggs and steak

Just making sure you heard

I got it.

Faye: I guess the joke has to do with old timey jazz? I dunno to be fully honest.

Slug:

[Brian and Stewie are looking at the toilet cautiously]

Slug: This subplot, just like a lot of this episode, feels like it was tacked on to the script not because it was funny, but because it was around 14 minutes long and they realized they needed 8 more minutes of content. Needless to say, this goes nowhere.

Brian: How do you think it works?

Stewie: I have no idea.

Slug: I have an idea, if you want to watch a sitcom with Bill Clinton in it, watch the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror segment “Citizen Kang”. You’ll thank me later.

Brian: Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.

Stewie: All right. We're two intelligent guys, we can figure this out.

Slug: kac2Giaqa9PH9BRQBm6dL9jvLsawvAlERUCGuy8M

Brian: What's that big back part?

Stewie: Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.

Brian: I wonder what this thing is for.

Stewie: Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.

Brian: [sighs] All right, here goes.

Stewie: Oh, God, oh, God, careful, careful. Careful. Careful.

[the toilet flushes. Terrified, Stewie and Brian flee the room screaming]

Faye: I’m not gonna say much about these segments because honestly they’re not really worth saying much about to be perfectly honest. This substory exists to fill runtime and nothing more to me.

Slug: Need a plumber? I know a guy.

G472ZvZA_hxwUJ4wCQRr1gB1SpS-MeVZCpJ6Slpk

Meg: Don't mind me, you guys. I'm just writing a letter to my boyfriend. "Dear, my boyfriend, Thank you for making out with me recently on purpose. That was cool. Those flowers that you totally sent me were really pretty, just like you said I am. Love, Meg."

Slug: Honestly, she could probably get some desperate person to be her boyfriend online. Quagmire has the internet after all, and he even has an episode where he gets into a relationship with Meg. Don’t remember that episode? Don’t blame you.

Chris: Meg, you are so full of crap. You're like those people who sit in Starbucks and publicly write on their laptops.

Seth: You damn millennials! Get off my WiFi!

[cut to a Starbucks]

Guy with Laptop #1: Hey, getting some writing done there, buddy?

Guy with Laptop #2: Yeah, setting up in public so everybody can watch me type my big screenplay.

Slug: It was for Morbius, so it will be the last screenplay he’ll ever write.

Guy with Laptop #1: Me, too. All real writers need to be seen writing, otherwise, what's the point, right?

Slug: Me before I publish my Shadow x Shrek fanfiction to the internet.

Guy with Laptop #2: You should totally write that down.

Guy with Laptop #1: Okay. Will you watch me?

Faye: They needed to make their point so badly, they made a whole cutaway about it after the joke. And then people wonder why Family guy went downhill? *shrug shoulders*

Slug: Is this some kind of Boomer thing I don’t get? How does one even get around to noticing this? Maybe I’m unusual but I don’t see people publicly typing screenplays everywhere, perhaps this is some Boomer “Technology bad” talking point and it’s just making fun of people using their laptops in public at all. I’m really analyzing this shit too much lmao, but yeah the joke sucks.

Peter: Hello, flabby, out-of-shape family. Check out my bulging rippliness.

Brian: Peter, you've been to the gym once...for 15 minutes.

Slug: Well, 15 minutes of this episode feels like 15 hours, so from that angle I’d say Peter did pretty well for himself.

Peter: And I'm 15 minutes stronger, Brian. I'd rip a phone book in half, but for the life of me, I don't know anyone who uses a phone book anymore. So I'll use Meg's laptop. [he struggles to tear it apart]

Meg: Dad! What the hell?!

Slug: Don’t overreact, this stuff’s mild compared to what comes later.

Stewie: Look at him in that tank top. He looks more pathetic than John Merrick when he went on Match.com.

[cut to him out on a date]

John Merrick: There's no way you're a size six.

Faye: I had to look up who this joke was referring to and no it did not make it funnier.

Peter: I haven't felt this good in years. I feel like Arnold Schwarzenegger without the fruity accent and the Pirates of the Caribbean wife.

Agent: Excuse me, sir. Secret Service. I wonder if we might ask for your assistance.

Slug: “We saw you beat that Chicken, you mind doing that to guy named Epstein?”

Peter: Yeah, what's the problem?

Agent: We're with President Clinton's motorcade. It seems he blew a tire in front of your house.

Peter: Boy, that guy is really horny isn’t he?

Slug: I’ll admit I got a small chuckle out of this line.

Agent: Would you happen to have a jack we could borrow?

Peter: You don't need a jack. I am a jack. Come on, I'll lift that thing for you.

Bill Clinton: [after his motorcade blows a tire outside the Griffin house] Hey, I appreciate your help, man. We're a little overloaded 'cause I'm having a fat chick party back here. [the women with him inside giggle] All right, girls. I've turned off the AC. First one to have a bead of neck sweat reach their butt crack wins.

Faye: The first one of many sex jokes I assume. They’re only going to get faster and more unnecessary I bet.

Slug: This type of joke is going to take up a lot of the second half of this episode. If you aren’t laughing now, you still won’t be laughing at the end, but at least you’ll be bored as well.

Peter: [to Secret Service agents] All right, boys, now watch how this is done. The key is to put it all in your groin and your back. Take your legs totally out of the equation. Lift with your lower back in a jerking, twisting motion. [trying to lift the car, a crack is heard, and he falls to the ground in pain]

Faye: In seven minutes, we have gone from a trip to the aquarium to getting fit at the gym to getting injured lifting Bill Clinton’s car… and one could argue that the main plot STILL hasn’t technically started. As I mentioned to jjs when I first watched this episode, it felt like we went from Point A to Point C and then finally to Point B just to set up the main plot. It feels so disjointed and convoluted of an episode and we still have two/thirds of it to go.

Slug: You really could’ve just started the episode here, nothing before this point was necessary to set up this plot. Maybe that would’ve been excusable if it was funny, but as we’ve seen so far, they haven’t exactly delivered on that front. It also creates this strange situation where the star of this episode, Bill Clinton, feels like a glorified sideshow as opposed to the main thrust of the plot.

Lois: Peter!

Brian: Oh, my God!

Slug: Brian just got banned from r/atheism.

Peter: Call an ambulance!

Bill Clinton: All right, so which one of y'all ain't got my herpes yet?

Faye: One more sex joke before the commercial break!

Slug: S12 foreshadowing, Seth is a genius for planning an arc for 7 seasons.

[At hospital]

Lois: How's the hernia, Peter?

Peter: You know what the worst part of it is, Lois? I thought I was just out of shape, but that ain't it at all. I got to face the fact that I'm just getting old.

Beter: I couldn’t lift an entire car after fifteen minutes at the gym… I guess I just don’t have it in me anymore. 758728435530334237.webp?size=240&quality

Slug: My man it’s only been 5 seasons, if you’re too old by this point then that’d explain the later seasons lethargic humor quite a bit.

Bill Clinton: [coming in] Knock, knock.

Brian: Mr. President, what are you doing here?

Slug: Because Peter has information that will lead to the arrest of Hillary Clinton.

Bill Clinton: Well, I felt so bad that Peter hurt himself fixing my car, I wanted to stop by and extend my good wishes.

Meg: Whoa! Bill Clinton! Hey, can I get a picture of you on my cell phone?

Bill Clinton: Sure. [lifting his shirt and sticking his tongue out as she takes it] You know where I got that nipple ring? Ol' Straddlin' Madeleine Albright gave it to me. Say, you look like you're pretty down, Peter.

Faye: The nicest a character has been to Meg in approximately three whole seasons.

Peter: It's just that I'm starting to realize I'm not as young as I used to be.

Bill Clinton: I hear you. After my bypass, I remember wondering if it was all downhill from there. But then I realized it doesn't have to be. You're only as young as you feel.

Slug: How young I feel when I watch this episode.

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Peter: I don't know, Reagan, I wish I could believe that.

Faye: If I’m being perfectly honest, that got the smallest bit of a chuckle out of me. I only mention it, because I feel like that’s probably the closest I’m gonna get to laughing at this riff.

Bill Clinton: I'm going to make you believe it. When you get out of here, I'm going to take you out and show you the time of your life. And by the time we're done, I promise you're going to feel like a young man again.

Peter: Well, if you really think it'll help.

Bill Clinton: I sure do. Know what else will help? A little saxophone therapy. [with his Secret Service agents, they play the theme to "Night Court"]

Faye: Actually not too bad of a musical bit all things considered — It’s all probably downhill from here.

Slug: Bill Clinton needs to collab with Kanye ASAP.

Meg: [appearing in her underwear] You can have me.

Bill Clinton: [chuckling] E-E-E-Ew!

Faye: So much for someone being nice to Meg for once.

Slug: Wasn’t this dude having a fat chick party earlier?

[At Griffin house, Stewie puts tape into VCR]

Brian: What's that?

Slug: Hey, that’s my Foodfight DVD, give it back!

Stewie: Well since I couldn't help you learn to use the toilet, I found something that can. It's an instructional video on toilet training.

Roy Scheider: Hi, I'm Roy Scheider. And today we're going to learn to use the potty. Folks, say hi to my pal Hungry Hank. How's it going, Hank?

Hank: I'm hungry for your poo. Don't make me starve!

Faye: I feel like this is something that could’ve aired on Adult Swim later at night and been a hit, so gonna assume this was a marketing ploy that never caught on vs a time filling gag.

Slug: Hank makes no mention of propane? This is non-canon.

Roy Scheider: [with a hearty laugh, he undoes his pants and prepares to sit down] Remember, it's all about relaxing and letting your body do what it does naturally.

[Brian and Stewie react horribly to the video, screaming “What the hell!?”]

Slug: I was gonna say I was expecting a stronger punchline, but knowing some of these later Family Guy episodes, the punchline probably would’ve been the episode showing Roy Scheider taking a shit, so from that perspective, I’m glad they didn’t try to have a stronger punchline.

Roy Scheider: Now, here's Susan St. James to powder my ass.

Bill Clinton: All right, Peter, we've got a big day ahead of us. I'm going to show you that age is just a state of mind. Come on, hop in my limo.

Peter: Wow, a limo! [getting in the front seat] Shotgun!

[cut to them playing Dance Dance Revolution at Chuck E. Cheese]

Faye: Hopefully old Chuck E. Cheese and not whatever this thing is:

TmWQonCOrIBoXo-KnlTax0NHCjTeFXRbxITb583H

Bill Clinton: Watch the screen, not your feet.

Peter: Bill, shut up, I got it.

Announcer: Number 32.

Peter: Oh, no, our pizza's ready!

Alex Jones: Seth McFarlane EXPOSED to be part of the SATANIC CLINTON PEDOPHILE RING at Comet Ping Pong Pizzeria with UNVEILED HIDDEN NEW WORLD ORDER PROPAGANDA in Family Guy.

Bill Clinton: Tag out, man, tag out! [switching places, he sings as he dances] I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world Wrapped in plastic, it's fantastic! Come on, Barbie, let's go party…

Faye: J9lqjA9zuIET5MxJNyMuX2SVX3QhPkfiwFbVc7FQ

But yeah nothing like a one hit wonder no one remembers! Humor everybody!

Slug: I have a feeling this entire section was included just so they could get Bill Clinton to be on the record singing this. He ultimately turned down voicing this episode, I can’t imagine why.

Peter: Oh, boy, this is going to be fun. I haven't made a crank call in years.

Bill Clinton: Shh! Quiet, quiet. It's ringing.

Linda Tripp: Hello?

Slug: Hello, could I get a Hugh Jazz?

Bill Clinton: [on the phone] Hello, is this Linda Tripp?

Slug: No, it’s Patrick.

Linda Tripp: Yes.

Bill Clinton: You shouldn't have talked, you stupid bitch! I hope you die!

Slug: I had no idea Bill Clinton was a Mr. Enter fan.

[Bill slams the phone down. Peter is obviously uncomfortable]

Peter: Boy, that, uh...that wasn't really a crank call, that was...that was just unpleasant.

Faye: Yeah, unpleasant is a way to describe it alright, Peter. I mean honestly, for as unfunny as this episode was, I was more or less on autopilot until this point with it. Afterwards, I was checking every few minutes at the runtime. Very uncomfortable way to make a point.

Slug: If pleasant is what you seek, you’ve reached the wrong destination.

Bill Clinton: Sorry about that.

Peter: It's okay. You know what, Bill? You were right. Ever since you and I have been hanging out, I feel 20 years younger. You've completely changed my life.

Slug: Come on, Peter, you just fought off an octopus in just this episode, that alone is wackier than anything you’ve done with Clinton. Oh yeah, remember when he did that? I wouldn’t blame you didn’t, I’m pretty sure the writers forgot as well.

Bill Clinton: See, I told you, Peter, age is just a state of mind.

Peter: So what do you want to do next?

Bill Clinton: [taking out a joint] Go to Mars, dude.

[Peter and Bill are stoned off their asses]

Faye: Get the taquitos rolls boys!

Slug: I feel like this is how the Family Guy staff come up with their scripts ever since this season.

Peter: Boy, I'm getting kind of hungry.

Slug: I’m so hungry, I could eat an Octorok!

Bill Clinton: Me, too. Hey! Hey, pull over, man! Pull over! Dude, check it out! There's a pig behind that fence.

Peter: Oh, yeah, I see it!

Bill Clinton: Dude, we could eat that pig!

Alex Jones: PROOF that the CLINTON CRIME FAMILY HATE our boys in blue!

Peter: What?

Bill Clinton: Dude, come on! We could totally eat that pig. We could... we could do it, man! We could! It would be so easy, man! It would take, like a minute.

Faye: Dude, we could like totally eat in the pizza in the same amount of time!

Peter: Could it really be that fast?

Bill Clinton: Peter, that pig... could be in our stomachs in, like one minute, and then we could...and then... and then we could do other stuff.

Slug: Is that how the writers pitched this episode’s plot too?

Peter: All right. I'm starved. Let's do it.

Farmer: Who's there?!

Bill Clinton: Aw, crap! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Slug: nE7vnY93vS2gAq5-_DlgSS4m1rGAVLUPEA1XaHbB

Farmer: Dog gone it! If he wanted a pig, why didn't he just take my wife? And now, ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

Mr. Conway Twitty: There's no needin going over

All the things that took me under…

Faye: Ah yes, Mr. Conway Twitty, one of the first moments in Family Guy that told me that they’re really running out of ideas. They literally just play a random clip of Conway Twitty singing a song. No joke or pun, just Conway Twitty singing.

And the sad thing is, this isn’t the only time they do it IN THIS EPISODE!

Slug: This, for some godforsaken reason, managed to become a recurring running “Joke” for the series. It started here, but did not end here. I'm pretty sure the episode “The Juice is Loose” managed to have 3 entire minutes dedicated to a Conway Twitty song. That episode will not be covered, which tells you the amount of material Family Guy had for riffs. This really does represent the absolute bottom of the barrel in terms of Family Guy’s comedic potential, no joke, not even any animation required, just take footage from somewhere else and slap it in to fill the runtime. Family Guy’s animation isn’t exactly avant garde, but filler like this doesn’t even require that much effort.

Brian: [doing his business in the yard] Hello, old friend. [gets sprayed by hose] What the hell?!

Lois: No! No! You do not go on this lawn! Brian, I've had enough of this. It's more disgusting than when you gave me that Christmas gift.

Faye: How dare the dog do his business ON THE LAWN! I haven’t had much to say about this storyline, but talk about grasping for straws.

Slug: Lois, Brian simply understands industrial society and its consequences.

[cut to the family on Christmas Day]

Lois: [opening a gift] Oh, what is it? A little birdie? Oh, my God! It's dead! Brian! [gagging] Oh, Brian, this is disgusting! Oh, my God! Get it out of here!

Slug: In the spirit of Christmas, the bird died for your sins.

Brian: I'm... I'm sorry. I thought... I thought you'd like it.

Chris: [opening his gift] Brian, I love it! [taking out a dead cat] I'm going to call you Stickyhead. [kissing and petting it] I love you, Stickyhead.

Stickyhead: K I L L M E

Slug: HC0Yxmd8xi6EIgBu0soWndrUaqZh1ANfvKgGsftT

Lois: Brian, if you're not going to use the toilet, there's only one solution.

Slug: The solution —> dble5dOGKBl3bRu7Szgg1AjqIi-xXGT5bXUEDQnN

Stewe: [cut to him in the living room] Hey Brian, did you know that Brad Pitt is John Lithgow's nephew?

Brian: He is?

Stewie: No. But doesn't that sound like something that could be true? My God! You're wearing a diaper! You look silly.

Slug: If I’m being truthful, I think I’d be less embarrassed being caught wearing a diaper in public than watching something like Turban Cowboy in public.

Brian: Why? You wear a diaper.

Stewie: Yes, but I'm a baby. People see my diaper, and they say: "Oh, how cute! I bet he smells like baby powder." They see your diaper and think : "Ew! That dog is sick. He must be dying. "I hope he doesn't leak on our carpet. Why don't they just put him to sleep?"

Brian: You know, at this point, I'd probably welcome that.

Faye: You gotta wait about 7 more seasons before they try that one on ya, Brian. Just hang on tight.

Slug: Why stop with Brian? Why not put the show out of its misery at this point?

Stewie: Oh, hey, come on, man. You just got to get used to it. Hey, have you gone yet? Have you popped your butt cherry?

Slug: He’s a dog, taking dumps publicly is in their nature. Save the shaming for Kaitlin Bennett.

Brian: You know, you should be more sensitive to my humiliation. Remember how bad you felt when you drew that picture for Peter and Lois?

Lois: [cut to them in the kitchen] Oh, Stewie, it's wonderful!

Peter: This is going right up on the fridge.

Stewie: Really?! The fridge?!

Lois: It's like we have a little Michelangelo in the house.

Slug: Every Family Guy animator is a Michelangelo in their own right.

 

Stewie: Okay! See you guys later.

[as he leaves, she and Peter start laughing]

Lois: I almost lost it when you said to put it on the fridge.

Peter: I know! What the hell is this supposed to be, a pelican or a school bus?

Alex Jones: In case the DEMON-RAT CONSPIRACY wasn’t widespread enough. Now our WHOLESOME animated content is promoting the idea that DRAWINGS can identify as whatever they want! When will this GLOBALIST INDOCTRINATION against RED-BLOODED AMERICAN PATRIOTS end?

Lois: Looks like Muhammad Ali drew this.

Peter: What a dumbass! Hey, let's spit on it. [Stewie is standing near the doorway overhearing this and begins crying]

Faye: If it means anything Stewie, I think you're a great artist.

[Peter is sleeping on the floor with junk food everywhere]

Lois: Peter!

Peter: Oh! Oh, Lois! Let me make you some coffee.

Slug: Coffee_Lover was not involved in the making of this episode.

[the pig Peter and Bill Clinton stole rampages through the house]

Faye: Family Guy in a nutshell is Peter waking up and a pig rampages through the house. You know, relatable family stuff.

Chris: Oh, boy, a pig! Can we keep it? Ow! It bit me!

Slug: You already have Peter.

Lois: What the hell did you and Bill do last night?!

Peter: We lived, Lois. We lived our lives.

Faye: Somebody put this on a motivational poster that goes up in corporate offices — no one will ever know.

Slug: This section took up like 5 minutes, if that was enough to change your life, then your life didn’t have that many problems to begin with.

Lois: Peter, that former President Clinton is nothing but a bad influence! I forbid you to hang out with him anymore.

Slug: What’s the worst that could happen, Peter gets involved with the Democrats? I’d honestly trust him more than Pelosi.

Peter: No way. Bill Clinton makes me feel young. Not like you, with your Judd Hirsch sweater and your bag of Werther's Originals.

Lois: If he won't listen, I'm just going to have to go talk to Bill Clinton myself.

Faye: The main female lead seeing sexual deviant former president Bill Clinton? I’m sure nothing bad will come out of this decision!

[cut to her knocking on his hotel room door]

Lois: Mr. President, I need to have a word with you!

Alex Jones: WHAT HAPPENED TO VINCE FOSTER!

[cut to them in bed together]

Faye: Oh no! Who could’ve seen this coming!? How will Peter and Lois’ marriage survive this roughly 69th infidelity?

Slug: Yep, that’s where this episode goes. After all the random threads we’ve gone through, where this episode ends up is becoming the most generic Al Jean-era Simpsons marriage crisis episode. By far the most criminal part about this episode is just how maddeningly uninteresting it is. It’s nominally about Bill Clinton, yet he could easily replace him with just about any other celebrity and the plot of this episode would more or less be the same.

Lois: Wow! You certainly are very persuasive.

Slug: That’s how you get a lot of votes. Unfortunately for this episode, I don’t think anyone will be voting for “Bill & Peter’s Bogus Journey” in the best Family Guy episode polls.

Bill Clinton: So I've been told. Hey, you up for a lil’ NAFTA?

Lois: What’s that?

Bill Clinton: ‘Nother Afternoon Fucking That Ass!

Slug: How many times have Peter and Lois cheated on each other at this point? Is this even enough for a fake ratings trap? Do people even care about the health of Peter and Lois’ marriage? At least with The Simpsons, there was a genuine emotional element to the show before the marriage crisis formula got beaten to death, repeating that formula makes even less sense here.

Lois: What the hell was I thinking? I-I don't know what came over me. Oh, God! What am I going to do?

Slug: Oh stop with the faux drama, there’s barely any time left and we all know this shit resets at the end of every episode. Is anybody actually fooled by this stuff? I’d rather have more racist sunflower cutaways than watch this show pretend it has stakes.

Peter: Hey, Bill, you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois's purse. I don't think she'll notice because…she's here humping you?!

Lois: Peter! Look, I know this looks bad, and I feel horrible, and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill except...I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in US history, and he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to its lowest level in 33 years.

Faye: Ah yes, gotta show our liberal lean by wiping it away with his accomplishments!

Slug: You can use the same arguments to defend Trump. I have a feeling that won’t be happening in “Trump Guy” though.

Bill Clinton: 35 years.

Lois: 35 years, Peter.

Peter: Well, well. I learned something today. Apparently, there's the side of Bill Clinton the world knows, and then there's the dark, sex-crazed side only I know.

Faye: Yes, because everyone already forgot about his impeachment for lying about having an affair with a woman, which was only 9 years ago at the time of this release. So brave are you Family Guy writers for bringing this to light in a humorous, insightful way!

Slug: I have a lot of problems with shows like South Park when they try to do enlightened centrist “Both sides bad” stuff because at the end of the day, the Republicans are indeed much worse than the Democrats. However, I’ll give South Park this, when they attack a politician or public figure, they at least commit to it. Manbearpig’s climate change denial might be dumb as fuck, but at least they committed enough to their satire to make a funny episode. You at least learned what Matt & Trey thought about Al Gore. This episode in comparison is just so meager in its satire. Yeah, Bill Clinton is a sex-crazed dude who was president during a good economy, I certainly needed Family Man to know this. I get Family Guy isn’t the place you go for nuanced politics, but they probably should’ve thought about that before inserting Bill Clinton into their Al Jean-era Simpsons script.

Lois: I'm so sorry, Peter.

Peter: Lois, I think maybe it's better if I stay at Quagmire's for a while.

Slug: Ah yes, the one man you can trust to deal with an infidelity problem: Quagmire.

Lois: I understand.

Bill Clinton: Hey, Lois, you up for a little exit polling?

Lois: Are you asking me what I think you’re asking me?

Bill Clinton: Well that depends on what your definition of the word “jizz” is.

Faye: gMcbwtoXC8Ri3oxzVR_jN3qO3QqQ1QagkxOjmoGR

Lois: Oh, God! I've been a worse wife than Lorena Bobbitt when she was married to The Thing.

[Cutaway to The Thing panicking]

The Thing: Oh, my God! Where is it?! Where did she throw it?! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Guy: [holding his penis] Is this what you're looking for?

Slug: This has been far from the worst cutaway gag of this episode. This isn’t an endorsement of this gag, just an indictment of the rest of this episode.

Peter: I can't believe Lois would cheat on me.

Faye: The first of like 69 or so more times she does it, Peter. 758728435530334237.webp?size=240&quality

Slug: Come on. Everyone knows these episodes reset to the status quo, being that it’s an episodic show. And even if that wasn’t the case, Family Guy isn’t exactly where you go for an emotional core, which is kinda necessary if you want this to be anything but an empty gesture at stakes.

Quagmire: Look, Peter, I know this is a very difficult time for you, but I want you to know I'm here for you if you need anything. You want me to drag your sack across your face?

Peter: What?

Quagmire: I’m s-sorry, when one of my lady friends is upset, that’s how I cheer…listen Peter, this is all I know, I’m not very good in these types of situations.

Slug: At least the writers haven’t made an episode about you being a pedophile yet. We’ll get there, though.

Peter: Quagmire, I know your heart's in the right place, but I need to sort this out for myself. I haven't misjudged someone this bad since my last physical.

[cut to him at the doctor's office]

Doctor: [appearing from behind him and removing a latex glove] All right. The doctor will be in in a few minutes.

Faye: I thought this was gonna turn into that episode where Peter gets the doctor fired for giving him a prostate exam, but that’s a completely different episode apparently. Still, can you blame me with how breakneck this episode’s pace has been?

Alex Jones: This is why we can’t trust medical experts. DR. FAUCI is trying to POISON us with his GLOBO HOMO VACCINE! Wake up sheeple!

[Lois knocks on Quagmire's door]

Lois: Peter? Peter, are you in there? It's me.

Peter: What do you want?

Slug: For this episode to be over, which will thankfully be soon.

Lois: Honey, I just feel awful about this whole situation.

Quagmire: Oh I’m sorry Lois. Want me to drag my sack across your face?

Peter: Not now Quagmire!

Slug: We’re still at season 5, it only gets worse from here, so honestly now is as good of a time as any.

Quagmire: Sorry sorry, I’ll go make us some coffee!

Lois: Peter, I think I've got a solution that will make things right for both of us.

Peter: I'm listening.

Lois: Well...the way I figure it, the only way to even things out between us is if you have sex with someone else, too.

Peter: You...want to get me laid?

Faye: Eye for an Eye? Fair enough I suppose.

Slug: I think Peter’s enough of a chad to get laid without any help, frankly.

Lois: Yes, Peter. Because I don't want to lose you.

Slug: You will NEVER guess how this ends.

Peter: Well, it would make us even. All right, Lois, if you really think it'll work. Trust me. It'll work better than the first telephone.

[Cutaway to Alexander Graham Bell and Watson]

Alexander Graham Bell: Well, we did it, Watson. What an afternoon. We've finally perfected the first telephone.

Watson: Yeah. Uh...Hey, listen, somebody called me today. Uh...Whoever it was said some very sexual things. Some very angry, sexual things.

Alexander Graham Bell: Oh, really? Probably just some teenagers somewhere. Damn them.

Watson: Well, that's the thing. I mean, there's only two phones in the...well, in the world, and one of them is in my office, and the other's in your office, and those two didn't even exist until about a few hours ago.

Faye: This gag was the longest 40 seconds of my life and I reacted to absolutely none of it.

Slug: Just showing this for a minute probably would’ve been a better use of screentime.

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Alexander Graham Bell: Yikes! I could use a distraction right now. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Conway Twitty.

Writers: Shit, we need to fill some more runtime! CONWAY TWITTY TO SAVE THE DAY!

Slug: Why do I get the sense that the Family Guy writers were hoping this would catch on as a meme.

Mr. Conway Twitty: I can almost hear the stillness

As it yields to the sound of your heart beating

Faye: Real great use of time, guys. Not that I want this to go on any longer, but why even bother if he's not going to sing for long? Were they charged by each lyric?

Lois: All right, Peter, who's it going to be? Who do you want to sleep with?

Peter: Who we kidding, Lois? This is never going to work. Let's just forget the whole thing.

Slug: Oh don’t worry, nobody remembers this episode as is.

Lois: No, honey, it's got to work. Just pick somebody, and I'll make it happen. Deep down, in your heart of hearts, if it could be anyone in the world, who would it be? Halle Berry? Ann-Margret?

Peter: Anybody I want?

Lois: Anybody. Don't be afraid to tell me.

Slug: It’s time to be very afraid.

Peter: Babs.

Lois: …My mother?

Peter: Yeah.

Lois: Why?

Peter: It was my understanding that there would be no questions asked.

Lois: I'm just curious. It's a little weird.

Faye: Okay, what the fuck? Is this just some excuse to fit in Carter being an asshole to Peter on my Family Guy tropes bingo card or something? Why the fuck do we need to continue on with this bizarre, surreally written episode?

Slug: Could they have not managed to make Peter and Clinton trying to feel young again the main focus of the episode? That part wasn’t really good but it was the only part of the episode that’s actually relevant to the supposed hook of the episode.

Peter: Look, you know what? She's hot. Guilty, all right? I haven't been so struck by a woman's beauty since I was Uma Thurman's eye-wrangler on the set of Pulp Fiction.

Uma Therman: No. You can't promise something like that. I have no idea what you're going to say to me. So you can go ahead and say what you're going to say, and my natural response could be to get offended. Then, through no fault of my own, I wouldn't have kept my promise.

Peter: Hang on! [moves her eyebrow] Okay!

Slug: I don’t know what (If anything) this is referencing. Can’t say I laughed, but I’m thankful it’s not Conway Twitty again.

[Peter and Lois show up to the Pewterschmidt mansion]

Babs: Well, Lois, this is an unexpected surprise. You and Peter should drop by more often.

Lois: Well, we were in the neighborhood, and Peter said, "Let's stop in." Wasn't that thoughtful?

Carter: Will you people quiet down? I'm trying to watch Medium.

Faye: I’m with Carter here — You people shut up so I can watch something actually decent!

Slug: Whatever he’s watching probably has more comedic value at least.

Lois: You know what? Daddy's right. Let's go upstairs where we won't bother him.

Carter: Good. All right. Go, Medium! Wish I could talk to ghosts. That would be sweet!

Alex Jones: I HAVE talked to Vince Foster’s ghost. And he KNOWS that the CLINTONS ARE IN LEAGUE WITH SATAN!

Lois: Mom, could we sit down for a second? I have to ask you something.

Babs: What is it, Lois?

Lois: Well, Peter and I have hit a snag in our marriage. I won't go with the details. But it turns out that the only way to make things right seems to be...It... it's, uh... Oh, boy. What's the best way to say this? Um... Mom… [reluctantly] Would you have sex with Peter?

Babs: [definitively] Of course, dear.

Faye: That was a lot more enthusiastic than I expected but okay then…

Lois: Really?

Slug: Why not? Peter’s a Sigma Male at heart.

Babs: Carter's been most insufferable lately, and this would just stick in his craw.

Peter: I like your freaky spirit, but it's your craw I'm after.

Lois: I didn't think you'd be so receptive.

Babs: Are you kidding, Lois? I'm physically starved. Your father's utterly lost interest. He won't even look me in the back of the head anymore.

Faye: I’m pretty sure this is a future storyline, but I imagine they just rewatched this disaster and were like “ah what a nugget of genius.”

Slug: I’m just surprised Quagmire hasn’t figured this information out.

Lois: I see. Well, I guess we're good to go then. Peter, are you sure this is what you want?

Peter: [already naked] Yeah. I'll see you at home.

Faye: Weird turn of events, but hey I guess we’re going there now!

Slug: Note, Peter died on his way back home.

[Lois is about to leave, but Peter runs to her]

Peter: Lois, wait! I can't do it! I can't go through with it!

Faye: It’s been like 5 seconds Peter! Follow through!

Slug: Very funny knowing that he would be willing to marry his own son later on, although I will not complain if Fresh Heir isn’t recognized as canon.

Lois: You have to, Peter, for the sake of our marriage!

Peter: Screw our marriage! I love you!

Faye: Immortal words here.

Slug: Damn it, I got a slight chuckle out of that one, although it was somewhat dampened by how bored I was otherwise.

Lois: Really?

Peter: Absolutely. And I don't care that you slept with Clinton. We'll get past it somehow. All I know is, I don't want to do anything to hurt you.

Faye: I knew we were obviously gonna reset things, but my lord I’m getting a bad case of whiplash from how fast the plot kept turning on itself.

Slug: Look, I understand that a lot of the times when Family Guy did this it was to parody sitcom resolutions. But when you repeat storylines that are just as bland as any other marriage crisis plot in a sitcom, the line between parody and lazy rehash blurs to the point where I won’t give them much slack.

Lois: Oh, Peter!

Carter: Why are you naked in my house?

Peter: Uh...Why aren't you?

Slug: Carter’s going through his incel arc, give him time.

Carter: [pause] You're all right, Griffin.

Faye: Well he wasn’t a huge asshole to him for once. Trope averted? 😮 

Lois: Well, Peter, our marriage has suffered a serious trial, but I think we can get through it.

Faye: Only 68 more times to go!

Slug: I’ll genuinely be more interested when they don’t get through it.

Peter: Me, too, Lois. It's just going to take a little work. In the meantime, I guess I better clear the air with Clinton.

[Cut to Clinton's hotel room]

Peter: Hey, listen, Bill, uh... you and I need to have a talk. [cut to them in bed together] Boy, you are good. You are really good.

Faye: Because being a sexual deviant is ok when you’re a liberal!

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Alex Jones: PROOF THAT THE VACCINE BRAINWASHES YOU!

[Cut to Brian using the toilet now]

Lois: Well, look at you, using the toilet. I am so proud of you.

Brian: Hey well, you deserve all the praise for encouraging me to do it.

Lois: Well, still, good for you.

Stewie: [coming in as she leaves] So where are you really doing your business?

Brian: Oh, I found a place.

Slug: And this subplot ends like it began… ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Adam West: [in his underwear, finds Brian's "leavings" in his yard] Well, I'll be damned. And they called me crazy. You can't plant sausage seeds, they said. Well, look at this!

Faye: A bizarre end to a pretty bizarre episode is rather fitting, even if it happened in the more tame storyline.

I think what surprised me most about this episode is how… shockingly little Bill Clinton is in this episode. Like they spent 8 minutes getting to him meeting Peter, about 5 minutes having fun and then having sex with Lois and then the ending gag. For being in the title, he’s really more of a supporting character vs a starring role. The jokes reflect the time period back when the Clintons were still the apple of liberals eyes, but that did not stop the jokes from aging poorly.

Otherwise, the biggest issue was how weirdly disjointed this episode felt. It felt like they mashed together cutting room floor segments from other episodes with no regard for how they fit and it shows. We go from the Aquarium to the Gym to Bill Clinton in 8 minutes and then from Bill Clinton to Conway Twitty and having sex with Lois’ Mom and yeah. It’s not as bad as we get in later seasons, but it screams of how bizarrely structured these episodes often are with little regard for how they appear to a viewer.

Also the jokes sucked. That one chuckle I got was my blip of joy in a dark tunnel of dated references, Conway Twitty filler and liberal ass kissing. Overall this episode was pretty much as bad as I remembered it being, which makes me terrified for what I may see later on. Until the next time, peace out!

Slug: This episode came out around the time Family Guy was definitely going downhill in quality, and this is one of the earliest episodes that I thought actually sucked quite a bit. The show still wasn’t nearly as bad as it could get later, there were still a number of good ones, but by this point the quality of episodes would only grow more inconsistent with time.

Is this one of the worst episodes of Family Guy? No. It’s a bad episode for sure, but more than anything this episode exemplifies your typical bad Family Guy episode. There aren’t really any exceptional problems like with some of the more notorious episodes that will be covered later. I think this episode more than anything exemplifies what your average Family Guy episode began to look like as the show progressed. You started to see a lot of episodes like this that were just kind of lazy and lackadaisical, more and more episodes where the shitposting felt less subversive and more like an excuse to waste time. This episode really is more like a compilation of 4 small episodes that were too weak to stand on their own, and stapling them together does nothing to make things more enjoyable.

Do I expect amazing storytelling from Family Guy? Not really, but I’d at least hope they’d take advantage of the premise they were given. Which brings us to Bill Clinton, who isn’t really that important. The way this episode tackles Clinton is really strange. Beyond his lack of screentime, it feels like the writers wanted to have both ways. They suck him off a bit (probably because they wanted to have him voice himself and were Liberal-sympathetic themselves), but they also don’t really do it in a way that sends any kind of message. It feels like they wanted to have an apolitical episode starring a politician, which is kind of a dumb premise on the face of it. In the end, Bill Clinton is just relegated to a plot device so we can re-litigate the most bog-standard tropes in history. Honestly, this episode probably would’ve been more entertaining if it was written by a right-winger, maybe then there would’ve been some passion behind it, for better or worse.

Not necessarily one of the worst episodes ever, but definitely one of the first bad episodes in general. Even if it isn’t quite Turban Cowboy bad, this dreadfully unfunny episode helps set up what some of the later and less remarkably bad episodes would look like, so in the end, covering this episode was still valuable.

 

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In retrospect, what probably would've made the episode "Bill And Peter's Bogus Journey" more relevant (and in some ways, more progressive in a roundabout way), is if they instead did the episode revolving around Charlie Sheen. Trust me, if I explain why, it would RUIN the joke! That's what Google is for! I wonder where and when we'll see "Seashell Seashore Party"? THAT will be a hard one to sit through! Enough said!

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Episode III: Not All Dogs Go to Heaven

Spoiler

Clappy: It seems today, all that you see...is us riffing easy targets…and sex on tv. But it’s easy to understand why we are picking on Family Guy. It’s one of Fox’s most successful shows and despite having more bad seasons than good, its good years were very memorable and cherished by its fans. Which a lot of us riffing this show were at one point or another fans. Hell, I loved peak Family Guy more than I ever did The Simpsons, unpopular opinion from me. But alas, I gladly will do this project to point out how Family Guy took a nosedive in such spectacular fashion. I’m sure this show will give us plenty bad moments to talk about. Let’s dive in!

Rusty: Ah the repressed memories. I can still remember pointing my camera to my old Tube TV to capture Family Guy moments when I was 12, and post them to Youtube. I was a complete idiot. Dunno if this is gonna bring back painful memories or not but we’ll see.

JCM: I've never watched a lot of Family Guy outside of long-forgotten nights falling asleep to Adult Swim reruns but I'm still here to provide my valuable (?) input (?).

[Theme plays. Episode opens at Star Trek Convention]

Brian: Ah, the Annual Quahog Star Trek Convention. Where once a year, sci-fi buffs take their lips off the barrel of a loaded gun and spend half a day adjusting their eyes to sunlight.

Clappy: Says the multi-episode suicidal family dog.

Rusty: William Shatner did that joke better on SNL in 1986. You fail at life.

JCM: I see we're starting off with the Big Bang Theory trademark of "Haha, aren't nerds so lame? Thank God we aren't one of them."

Meg: Oh, this sucks, mom. Why are we even here?

Clappy: Welcome to the riffing team Meg Griffin. Hopefully you won’t be replaced by Lacey Chabert.

Lois: Honey, your father's been waiting all year for this. Especially since he got kicked out of the last one.

Peter: [to William Shatner] Yes, uh, I have a question for Captain Kirk. Uh, in the episode where you drown your wife, why are you so fat?

Clappy: Which Family Guy episode are we riffing again? I’m pretty sure there has to be one out there where the fat man drowns his wife.

JCM: Probably multiple, considering how abusive Peter is.

Stewie: Brian, look. I've purchased authentic blueprints to build a Star Trek transporter.

Brian: Well that's great Stewie. You should get William Shatner to sign 'em for you.

Stewie: No way. I'm getting Patrick Stewart to sign it.

Clappy: Because William Shatner has a little more self-dignity than to constantly whore himself out to Seth MacFarlane shows like Patrick Stewart. Still love you Sir, but you’re allowed to say no every once in awhile.

Rusty: Remember, it’s always correct to call Patrick Stewart a whore.

Picard has it all over Kirk. He's poised and measured. And doesn't wear a cheap rug. Rather, he accepts even baldness with a quiet cool that says, "I am in command. You are safe with me. I will cradle you in my arms through any crisis in any galaxy."

JCM: Insert Picard facepalm meme here.

Brian: Are you queer?

Stewie: Probably.

Clappy: Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Rusty: What’s the Joke?

Meg: Dad, this is stupid! I'm so bored!

JCM: last 15 years of family guy in a nutshell

Clappy: Meg. All you have to do is join SBC. Then you can pick this apart with us.

Peter: How can you be bored? This convention has everything! You can even try on LeVar Burton's visor.

[Peter picks up the visor and wears it. People in his vision suddenly appear to look like Ku Klux Klan members holding torches and a shotgun]

Clappy: Get it? Because he’s black? You know Seth, it’s okay to say no to constantly low hanging fruit….oh who am I kidding here? There’s probably like ten more instances in this episode alone.

JCM: How to know if it's okay to make a joke about lynchings:

It's never okay to make a joke about lynchings, you piece of garbage!

Peter: [screams, then removes the visor] Why would he wear these?!...Who would invent these for him?!

Rusty: Why would somebody write a shitty joke like that?

Patrick Stewart: And in conclusion, whether your dreams are earthbound or set in the stars…follow your heart. And... make it so. [applause]

Rusty: I’m trying, whore.

Stewie: Ooooh, oh boy, he said the thing he says on TV!

JCM: Can somebody say on TV "it's over" so I can go home?

Patrick Stewart: Now, the cast and I would be happy to answer a few questions.

Stewie: Oh, yes, so many questions. Me, me! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Mr. Stewart! Stewart! Stewart! Stewart!

Clappy: Okay, going to use this small forgettable tidbit to point out one way Family Guy went south for me so fast. Reusing jokes. For those of you who don’t remember this gem, it was from the episode Stewie Loves Lois. Funny at first, but then got grating real fast with how reused its been.

JCM: I've never even seen Stewie Loves Lois and lost interest in that gag fast due to TBS commercials.

Patrick Stewart: [to nerd] Yes, you there.

Nerd: Yes, I have a question. Um, oftentimes my household's sponges accumulate an awful amount of buildup. What can I do to prevent this?

Rusty: That mean it’s a Scumbob episode and you immediately harass the writers on Twitter.

Patrick Stewart: That's an excellent question. It's very important to thoroughly wring out your sponges after every usage. This will prevent the accumulation of grime and bacteria. A dry sponge is a happy sponge.

JCM: I have multiple episodes of SpongeBob where going dry almost kills him to disprove your theory, but go on.

Stewie: That's not a Star Trek question!

Clappy: Okay to be fair, this sequence of misguided questions is probably the best segment of the entire episode and still gets a laugh out of me.

Rusty: I like how they’re just happy to help out with everyday needs. I dunno why, I just find that to be kinda cool.

Nerd 2: I have a question for Jonathan Frakes. I have this itch on the back of my leg. And I can't figure out if it's a bug bite or dry skin?

Jonathan Frakes: Do you take hot showers?

Nerd 2: Yes.

Jonathan Frakes: Dry skin.

Nerd 2: Thanks.

Clappy: He’s more of a medical expert than Dr. Oz.

JCM: That's "my future senator Dr. Oz" to you! 😭

Stewie: These aren't Star Trek questions, what the hell!?

Nerd 3: I have a question for Gates McFadden. I've got an artesian well on my property and the water pressure is lousy. Any suggestions?

JCM: It's been ten years since I watched this episode and I still don't know what any of that means.

Rusty: Artesian Wells use air pressure to push up water. Basically like a water tower except way less impressive.

Gates McFadden: I would check the point first, before re-priming it. But remember that the summer months take a particular toll on any region's aquafer, depending on the local climate.

Stewie: This is horseshit!

Clappy: What are you talking about? These are the most laughs this episode will provide.  You haven’t seen true horseshit yet.

Patrick Stewart: And that's the last question. Thank you for coming. You've been wonderful. [applause]

JCM: boo

Stewie: You bastards. I'll get my question answered one way or another.

Clappy: And I took that threat, personally.

Rusty: And thus Stewie became the first baby to commit a mass shooting attempt. Luckily nobody was harmed because a baby can’t aim for shit.

[Peter, Lois and Meg see a fanboy who has the mumps]

Peter: Oh my God, what a great costume! Meg, Meg! Come take your picture with this space alien guy!

JCM: He has a name, you know! Oh, his name is "Space Alien Guy"? Never mind then.

Meg: No dad, I don't want to!

Peter: Come on, it'll be funny. [pushes her next to him and takes a photo] Ahaha, what a wonderful novelty photo this will make. Thank you so much buddy. Hey, how did you make that awesome mask?

Clappy: To prevent the spread of COPETE-19.

Buddy: It's not a mask, I have the mumps.

JCM: Wait, is his name Buddy or Space Alien Guy? Is he my guy, Buddy, or my buddy, Guy? I demand to have this question answered!

Lois: What? You came to a Star Trek convention with the mumps, you could be infecting people with a disease!

Clappy: Boy does this hit a mark in today’s hellish climate.

Rusty: Say what you will, but Family Guy was ahead of their time, I’m never going back to conventions again.

JCM: Yeah, but in 2009, going to large events sick was totally fine! I'm sure we're all excited to go back to that!

Peter: Yeah, like that old gipsy did to Britney Spears in that Stephen King book.

Old Gipsy: [touches Britney’s face] Thicker.

Clappy: [touches Family Guy’s comedy writers] Dumber.

JCM: They're clever enough to reference Thinner but not clever enough to do anything more with it than their usual fat shaming of celebrities?

Rusty: Family Guy is one big soup of wasted potential.

[At Griffin household, Dr. Hartman checks on Meg in her room, who is sick]

Dr. Hartman: Well, Meg has the mumps alright. How is it she was never immunized?

Peter: Well, it was 1992 and I couldn't be bothered with anything that didn't involve Dan Cortese. Besides, what's a big deal? I never got a mumps shot.

Clappy: Proudly anti-vaxxing back in 2009. Family Guy sure knows their target demographic on who still finds this funny in 2022.

Rusty: *patriotic choking noises*

Dr. Hartman: Really? Well, I caution you, that getting the mumps as an adult could result in serious complications. In some cases the symptoms could spread to the testicular glands.

Rusty: Oh this is exactly like COVID.

Peter: Big deal, so I wear socks.

Clappy: You can’t be this dumb.

JCM: Peter is as dumb as the script calls for, so usually barely functioning.

Dr. Hartman: Mr. Griffin, your testicles are not on your feet.

Peter: Oh, where are they?

Clappy: You really can’t be this dumb.

Dr. Hartman: Under your penis.

Peter: Are you kidding? I always thought those were two little sandbags to keep floodwaters from floating into my bum.

Clappy: How are you this dumb?

[laughs] No, no. I'm just poking at your funny bone. I am quite alarmed.

Clappy: And I’m quite annoyed. You can only be so dumb.

Rusty: Acting like a dumbass - NO *circles around that*

JCM: I'm almost certain Peter had that expressionless face characters have 99% of the time in Seth MacFarlane cartoons while saying "I am quite alarmed" and it makes me quite glad I'm only reading this.

Dr. Hartman: I don't think you realize the danger. Like the people who think it's OK to bring shampoo on an airplane.

Pilot: [while co-pilot is rubbing shampoo on his head] So I told Brenda: I work hard, I like a clean house when I come home. And now I'm the bad guy.

Co-Pilot: Oh, I know exactly where you’re coming from…

Pilot: Ow, It's in my eyes!

[Plane crashes into a mountain and explodes]

Clappy: Tasteless even before the death of Kobe Bryant. Thanks.

Rusty: Oh, meaningless violence. It makes me laugh even though It really shouldn’t. Especially here considering the fact that NASCAR fans don’t like plane crash jokes due to the deaths of Alan Kulwicki in ‘93 and 6 Hendrick Motorsports members in ‘04.

Stewie: [opens door to Meg’s room] See, Chris, come here, come here, look. Check it out.

Chris: Holy crap, no way!

Stewie: I know, classic! [takes a picture with his phone] I gotta forward this to my bud.

Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes: [receives photo and laughs]

Clappy: Yes Calvin & Hobbes exists. The joke would be funny if Family Guy was just a figment of Calvin’s imagination like Hobbes is.

JCM: Calvin would need even more therapy than I'm sure he's now getting if that were the case.

Rusty: The laugh in the episode actually sounds like a dying kid. Not joking.

Lois: Meg, I know you hate having to be in bed all day, but your father's bringing in the old TV.

Peter: [wearing a diving suit] Hey Meg!

Rusty: Peter, you're married, your daughter is sick and I’m pretty sure you’re not my type. This is not the time to be kinky.

Lois: Peter, what the hell?

Clappy: The Family Guy Drinking Game. Take a shot every time Lois asks Peter “what the hell?" See how many episodes you would last before you can be declared legally dead.

JCM: I'm already dead inside, so let's do it!

Peter: I don't wanna catch the mumps, Lois. Here's your TV, Meg. It's a little old and there is no remote and it only gets one channel and it's not on that channel right now.

Clappy: Still better than watching this.

Rusty: Hey maybe I should wear a diving suit if I do go to a convention…actually that doesn’t sound like that bad of an idea…maybe later.

Stewie: Chris, check it out. Jackass number two. [farts in Peter’s breathing tube]

[Peter smells it and panics. He runs against wall and begins vomiting in his helmet multiple times, while Stewie and Chris laugh]

JCM: I am very, very glad that I am only reading this.

Chris: This whole day has been one big laugh riot.

Clappy: Glad someone thinks that. Because I sure don’t.

Rusty: Okay, confession time: that whole farting in the diving suit gag is the only time this episode made me laugh. I know it’s cheap gross-out humor that I usually abhor, and is something that Family Guy uses as a crutch and it’s very hard to justify, but I don’t know, it just works for me.

[Meg adjusts tv to get a signal]

Meg: Finally!

Announcer: Up next: Kirk Cameron.

Meg: Ooh.

Announcer: To talk about God.

Meg: Aww.

Clappy: Because religion is for morons. Thanks Seth for shoving that viewpoint down our throats once again.

JCM: To be fair, if you said "ooh" to Kirk Cameron in the first place, you had it coming.

Rusty: It was GOD! *Dies Irae (Requiem) Intensifies*

Kirk Cameron: Hi, welcome to the Religion channel’s number one show, "Kirk and the Lord”, just hanging. With me, Kirk Cameron. Today, I'm gonna tell you why God will always be there for you. Even in the worst of times.

Meg: No thanks.

Rusty: Watch out, Kirk Cameron’s gonna call you a hater on his blogspot dot com for not liking Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas.

Kirk Cameron: But first, are you lonely, unappreciated? Not totally happy with your physical appearance?

Rusty: Yeah, I asked god about that and he told me fuck off.

Clappy: Oddly specific. Even for creepy Kirk Cameron.

Meg: …Go on.

Kirk Cameron: Are you unloved? Do you feel like no one cares about you?

JCM: Since I've gotten this far into the episode and nobody's sent for help yet, I do feel that way.

Peter: Meg, your mother made soup for you. Here you go honey. [throws it in her face and walks out]

Clappy: Could be worse. He could have shoved her face into his ass and farted on it…oh wait that would violate the one fart joke per episode quota.

Rusty: you ever get the feeling that these writers don’t know how to write abusive parents without being…blatant.

Kirk Cameron: Well, you know who does love you? The Lord.

Peter: Here's your milk! [smashes against wall]

Clappy: Because throwing the glass at Meg would have been too much? Gasp, there are limitations on how low they’re willing to treat Meg like dogshit.

JCM: Of course they take issue with Meg getting milk thrown at her and not the Klan.

Stewie: [welding] Rupert, my transporter is complete. If my calculations are correct, the cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" will soon be here to answer all my questions!

Clappy: Bold assumption. What could possibly go wrong?

[tries turning on the transporter’s r, but sparks] Wait a minute, something's wrong.

Rusty: Rubert has to die.

[Quagmire and asian girls appear through transporter. Quagmire is blindfolded and tied to a chair]

JCM: Goodnight, everybody!

Quagmire: Alright, you girls ready? What's goin on? [girls point and laugh at Stewie] Don't you laugh at it! [Stewie teleports them away]

Clappy: There’s your mandatory Quagmire appearance quota for the episode. Hope you all enjoyed this absolutely unnecessary penis size joke. And people wonder why he didn’t get the spin-off.

JCM: B-b-but his name is Glenn Quagmire and he says "giggity."

Meg: Good morning mom and dad!

Lois: Wow, look who's finally out of her room after five days. So you feel better Meg? -

JCM: Can't feel much worse than me.

Meg: All better mom. I was made well by the hand of God. This is the day that the Lord hath made. Let us rejoice and be glad in it.

Clappy: Wow. Five days of Kirk Cameron television brainwash can make you a born again Christian. Maybe he is the second coming of the Messiah all along. Does that mean Kirk Cameron’s Saving Christmas is the newest addition to the gospel? Family Guy is really making me think outside the box here.

Rusty: The Lord hath better make a better day cause it’s holding up the writing of this. Sorry, jjs.

Lois: Meg, what are you talking about?

Meg: I'm talking about God mom, I've been reborn.

Rusty: So you came out of God’s womb?

Peter: That's right folks, it's gonna be a Meg episode. Stick around for the fun. Here's the clicker. No one'd blame ya.

Clappy: Replace Meg with Brian and I agree with you.

Rusty: Meg is like Pakistan. Everybody hates them, then one day, something fucked up happens, all of a sudden…good friend of ours.

Lois: What do you mean you found the Lord?

JCM: Clearly she means the Lord was hiding in her closet and she found Him when she opened it.

Meg: I've been washed in the blood of the lamb. Kirk Cameron explained it all to me. The Lord is my saviour.

Rusty: If someone is washing you in lamb blood, then you better apologize to God for what you did to those poor lambs.

Brian: It's that damn religion channel. She was watching it all day while she was bedridden.

Clappy: Or maybe it was the concussion from the hot soup bowl? Don’t rule out that possibility.

Rusty: Ey, Post-Concussion Syndrome can fuck you up.

JCM: Nah! Peter abusing his children having more than a negligible impact on them? This show would never do it!

Meg: I want to share the word of God with everyone I know. Starting with my family. Now, everyone hold hands because we are gonna say grace before we eat. Dad, would you like to do the honors?

Rusty: Grace.

Peter: Are you kidding? I'd love a chance to shine. All right Peter, this is it. Dear Lod, please give me the cheat codes from "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out". I have been stuck on "Bold Ball" for four years. I tried Left-Left-Up-B-dodge-uppercut, but it still knocks me out. And you know, they say you’re supposed to go Right-B-Up-dodge-Left-uppercu...Listen to me, telling you how to play a game.

Clappy: It didn’t work. I still can’t beat Bald Bull. 🙁

Stewie: All right, let's try this again. [Stewie successfully transports the cast of “Star Trek: The Next Generation” into his room] It's them. I did it! The cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" is here to answer my questions!

JCM: No, you idiot! That's the cast of Degrassi: The Next Generation! Drake before his rap career is there, too!

Patrick Stewart: What the hell, where am I?

Rusty: The Seventh Step to the Emoji Movie.

Patrick Stewart: American Dad isn’t until 9:30.

LeVar Burton: What's goin on?

Clappy: I know. You should just be gifted the full time Jeopardy hosting gig at this rate.

Stewie: Greeting everyone, my name is Stewie Griffin. I've transported you all here against your will. I'm a huge fan. And you are going to answer all my questions.

Rusty: Basically like Misery, except without any redeeming qualities like the time Family Guy actually parodied Misery.

Denise Crosby: But, you’re a baby.

JCM: "Aren't you a little young to be kidnapping the cast of a beloved sci-fi serial?"

Stewie: Yes, that’s right, Denise Crosby. [shoots her with a Klingon phaser, killing her]

Clappy: I guess he wasn’t a fan of Denise Crosby.

That was a warning. Please do not speak unless you are spoken to. Now, question #1: what's it like on the set?

Rusty: This story just got a lot more interesting…except these writers don’t know how to take an exit if it was THE LITERAL END OF THE INTERSTATE.

Marina Sirtis: The show's been off the air for fifteen years.

Clappy: Ironic because Family Guy has, more often than not, been on autopilot for thirteen years.

Michael Dorn: Although I will say it was an awful lot of fun, you know, when Patrick wasn't hogging the limelight.

Patrick Stewart: Oh, fuck you, Michael! Fifteen years later, you've still got that attitude!

JCM: Patrick is…pretty much what I expected him to be.

Stewie: Oh, my God! I'm already having a fantastic time. Let's spend a day together!

Clappy: Rushed plot progression is rushed.

Wil Wheaton: Hey, that sounds like fun!

Patrick Stewart: [slaps Wil in the back of the head] Shut up, Wil!

Rusty: Do people still hate Wil Wheaton, I forget.

Wil Wheaton: Stop it, Patrick!

Patrick Star: Did somebody ask for me?

Stewie: You know, I think you should all be nicer to Hwil Hwheaton.

Clappy: Okay, I get that by this point, this is the fourth or fifth time Family Guy has beaten this dead horse of a joke into the ground, but at least make grammatical sense. Nobody…and I do mean nobody, pronounces Will Wheaton with a “h” sound in Will. I get that you love your troll humor Family Guy. That’s your brand along with bad taste. Your joke is already DOA to begin with, but it was just buried another ten feet under with this one simple grammar error.

Patrick Stewart: The way I treat my colleague... wait, what?

Stewie: I said, you ought to be nicer to Hwil Hwheaton.

Patrick Stewart: You mean WIl Wheaton.

JCM: Wil Wheaton…Walter White…holy crap! I need to tell Hank this!

Stewie: Yes, Hwil Hweaton.

Patrick Stewart: Why are you saying it like that?

Clappy: No Patrick. It’s too late for you to be the strawman.

Stewie: What? I’m just saying you should be nicer to Hwil Hweaton. Hwil Hweaton seems like a nice guy.

Patrick Stewart: Say "Wheat".

Stewie: Wheat.

Rusty: Tonight on Fox News.

Patrick Stewart: Now say "Wil Wheaton".

Stewie: Hwil Hwheaton.

Patrick Stewart: Wil Wheaton.

Stewie: Hwil Hwheaton.

Patrick Stewart: Wil Wheaton.

Stewie: Hwil Hwheaton.

Patrick Stewart: Wil Wheaton.

Rusty: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Stewie: Hey, did you hook up with Hwhoopi Goldberg on the show?

Patrick Stewart: All the time.

Clappy: *briefly chuckles*…okay that still gets me.

[Griffins are watching tv.

Clappy: It’s either that or hang out at The Clam.

Meg comes in and changes channel]

Peter: Meg, what the hell? I was watching that.

Meg: It's time for Kirk Cameron! And I think it's important for all of you to hear his inspiring message about the word of God.

Rusty: The Word of God is Fish. Yea, God’s gotten really lazy lately.

Lois: Oh, again Meg? You know I think it's wonderful you found something to have faith in but there is such a thing as moderation.

JCM: Obviously wanting to watch a new episode of a show is the same as binge drinking.

Meg: Mum, you sound like a non-believer.

Rusty: Oh, she’s joined the Patriot Church. Jolly.

Clappy: Ah yes, because there can’t be such a thing as being middle of the road on this show. You either have to one strong viewpoint or one strongly opposed one. Fuck off Seth.

Brian, you're thoughtful person. Are you willing to open yourself up to God's truth?

Brian: Oh, you're barking up the wrong tree, Meg, I'm an atheist. [family gasps]

Peter: What's that?

Clappy: You can’t be this du…nope. I’m not going to beat this dead horse of a joke into the ground. That’s what they want me to do.

JCM: Well, I haven't made the joke yet, so Mr. Griffin…can I call you Mr. Griffin? Thanks. You can't be this dumb.

Brian: I... don't believe in God.

Lois: What? Brian, how can you say that?

Rusty: In English.

Brian: Why? I just thought you knew. I mean, I never go to church. You know how I feel about that.

Rusty: There are a lot of religious people who don’t go to Church. I’m one of them.

JCM: Well, most people don't bring their dogs to church. The ones who do are baller, though.

Clappy: You’ve known this family for how long now? You’re expecting too much from them.

Lois: Brian, it's one thing to bash organized religion, but we believe in God in this house, I mean an atheist... that's just about the worst thing a person can be!

Rusty: Sounds like something Pat Robertson would say…hmm…Seth, do you have a secret crush on Pat Robertson?

Clappy: Once again, this show can’t be middle of the road on any sort of view points or issues. So what does Seth decide to do? You guessed it. Make the character with his stance “sympathetic” by having the opposition out to be super unlikeable. I repeat, not the most effective way to approach getting your message across. Let’s see if they improv-…oh we know how this goes.

Chris: You're not gonna get anything for Christmas, Brian!

Clappy: Thanks again for your insight Chris. Back to irrelevance you go for the rest of the episode.

Rusty: Chris, are you 16 or 6?

Brian: Guys, I'm just trying to say…

Peter: Shut up beast! I have dominion over you and I command you to believe in God!

Clappy: Like you know what “dominion” even stands for.

JCM: Mr. Griffin, you can't be this smart.

Brian: I'm sorry, I just don't see any evidence. I mean, look at the Hubble telescope. It's discovered untold wonders of a vast unexplored universe. But not one picture of a guy with a beard sitting around on a cloud.

Rusty: Oh hey, it’s something 7th grade me would say…I wish I could make my 7th grade self a separate person…so I could kill him and not kill myself. I took this episode as the basis of my beliefs back then and I regret every minute of them, once I learned that God doesn’t have to be a guy on a cloud. In many religions, God is more like a force, like the air. That kind of led me to being more of an Agnostic in recent years, and I’ll get more into my beliefs later.

I mean what's he doing up there?

[God is seen riding a rocket sled while “Flash” by Queen plays]

Clappy: God is a Queen fan. I don’t remember reading that in the New Testament.

JCM: I'm pretty sure it's in the Book of Mormon.

Peter: You know, you keep talking like that, God's gonna get you, Brian. He's gonna get you with the Kodak disc. Oh God's gonna get you with the Kodak disc! [takes photo] I'm sorry. What were we talking about?

Rusty: …what

Clappy: Actual insight on what life is like in the Family Guy writing room.

[Cleveland walks out of his house and sees his van is missing]

Cleveland: Hey, where the hell is my van!?

JCM: Did you look under your couch cushions?

Rusty: Poor Cleveland, his spinoff turned him into a buttmuncher.

[Stewie and the cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" stop at the McDonald's drive thru using Cleveland’s van]

Clappy: Arrest them all for carjacking. I don’t give a fuck.

Marina Sirtis: Stewie, I'm not really much of a fast food eater.

Stewie: Yeah, can you read my mind? Can you tell what I'm thinking right now? I'm thinking "shut up and get a salad."

Brent Spiner: I want some McNuggets!

Rusty: Brent says as he dies inside.

Stewie: We'll get to you, Brent.

Wil Wheaton: I want a hamburger. No, a cheeseburger. I want a hot dog, I want a milkshake… [Patrick Stewart punches Wil Wheaton in the back of the head]

JCM: At least a Wil is getting punched instead of doing the punching this time.

Patrick Stewart: You'll get nothing and like it!

Clappy: Actual insight on how the cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation felt about this B plot. Seriously, do something already.

Stewie: Uh, hello?

Employee: Yes, welcome to McDonald's. Can I help you?

Stewie: Oh, hailing frequencies open, huh? [laughs]

Clappy: Ru-mYomDgP6xbwiBZQvBFkuQmQQia1hl-HDZm8qQ

JCM: boo

Uh, yeah, uh, we're gonna get, uh, two McChicken sandwiches and a diet coke and...uh, uh, what do you want, Michael?

Michael Dorn: A McDLT.

Rusty: Michael Dorn is secretly Jason Alexander.

Stewie: No, I already told you, they don't make those anymore.

Clappy: And they haven’t for 30-40 years.  Seriously, how old is Family Guy’s target audience?

JCM: 12, but they'll laugh at every joke anyway.

Michael Dorn: You know, sometimes it's a regional thing. You could ask.

Stewie: No McDonald's anywhere makes a McDLT anymore.

Jonathan Frakes: I'd love a shamrock shake if they got any of those.

Stewie: It's September, Jonathan.

JCM: Stop making me feel depressed about March being over.

Clappy: Wow. A rare moment where Family Guy acknowledges some sort of time frame a non-holiday episode takes place. Weird.

[LeVar Burton has a visor on]

LeVar Burton: Stewie, can I take this goddamn headband off?

Stewie: No, LeVar. You're blind. That's the only way you can see.

Rusty: That’s how everybody’s been treating LeVar lately.

Clappy: And if we are going off the insensitive joke from earlier, this only makes Stewie look all the more racist.

JCM: I'm hoping the writers forgot that joke by the time they wrote this one and I'm hoping I forget it soon as well.

Michael Dorn: I'm just saying, they have all the ingredients for a McDL…

[Someone behind the van honks their horn]

Stewie: Just hang on! Alright? There's a lot of us! There's a lot of-- it's a big order!

Clappy: Maybe the guy behind you is waiting for you to do something with your guest stars like the rest of us?

Patrick Stewart: What time do they stop serving breakfast?

Stewie: It's 3:00.

JCM: That's not an answer!

Patrick Stewart: Some of them serve breakfast all day.

Rusty: Patrick Stewart sees the future and immediately wants to die.

Stewie Griffin: None of them serve breakfast all day!

Clappy: And now they all do…DO SOMETHING!

Michael Dorn: Do they have beer?

Clappy: What sort of McDonalds serves beer- oh forget it. Let’s cutback to the A plot. Where they at least know what they are doing with it.

Rusty: Clappy, you can get beer at a McDonald’s in Paris, have you ever seen Pulp Fiction, man?

[Brian is sitting in backyard reading a book]

Meg: Hey Brian! In hope you'll open your heart to God, I wanted to give you this cross.

Brian: No, I don't want a cross.

Meg: Would you want it if I threw it over there?

Brian: No, please don't do that.

Rusty: Would you say she’s making Brian…cross? *dies from cringe of joke*

Meg: You gonna get it boy?

Brian: No, please, no.

JCM: Just your once-an-episode reminder that Brian is, you know, a dog.

Meg: Go get it boy! [throws, Brian chases it while barking. He returns, gnawing on the cross] Okay, give it back now! [she tries to reach for it several times, but Brian keeps growling]

Clappy: He even growls to “The Right Stuff” by New Kids on the Block. Yes to the newer viewers who question if Family Guy prolonged gags back in their earlier seasons. It was not as obvious then as it is now, but still fairly bad.

Meg: [later approaches Brian sitting on the couch] Brian, Kirk Cameron is the one who converted me but unfortunately he's not available. So, I got his younger brother from "Growing Pains.”

Jeremy Miller: Would you guys buy me a case of Sudafed?

Rusty: Get it…cause he has a drug addiction…funny?

Meg: Don't you wanna tell Brian about Jesus?

Jeremy Miller: They got my picture up at the drug store and they won't sell me any Sudafed. I'll make it worth your while.

Clappy: Because making fun of someone’s irl serious drug and alcohol addiction history in an episode about moral ambiguity sure makes you a proud devout Christian.

JCM: Not all dogs go to heaven, but they'll still have a better batting average than FG writers when all is said and done.

Jason Seaver: Ben.

Jeremy Miller: Dad.

Jason Seaver: Ben. What have I told you about trading sexual favors for sudafed?

Clappy: The question was never answered. The possibilities are endless.

Rusty: …what

Brian: Look, Meg. I've had enough of this. You’re not gonna convert me.

Meg: But Brian! I just want you to feel the joy that I feel. I mean the Church makes me feel accepted and safe, and part of something bigger than myself.

Brian: But Meg, you don't need an outside voice to feel those feelings, they're inside you. What you call "God" is inside you, all of us. And I just hate to see people hating and killing each other over their own interpretation of what they're not smart enough to understand. You see what I'm saying?

Rusty: EYES UP, EYES UP, SETH’S ON AN EGO TRIP

Clappy: Wow and here I thought that atheists hate preaching nonsense. I’m a religious person myself but even I keep an open mind towards opposing views opposite of myself. Who the fuck are you Seth…I mean “Brian”, to say that people who do believe in God are not smart enough to understand religion. Who the fuck actually are you? Yes I do agree that there should be no Middle Eastern wars over the topic like most people do or people like Donald Trump who manipulates others by playing off Christianity and exploiting it for his own profit. But not all religious people are inherently stupid for believing in a higher power. There are extremist viewpoints on all subjects, but insulting their intelligence is not the way to go about it.

JCM: Dude goes from making a joke about Jeremy Miller sucking dick for Sudafed to trying to explain to all religious people why they're wrong about their core beliefs. I can guarantee you that this speech has been just as effective at changing opinions on religion for viewers as Meg promoting the gospel of Kirk Cameron has been for her family.

Meg: Oh I do Brian. And I think I know just what to do.

Tom Tucker: [on tv] Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Our top story tonight: Just when you thought the world couldn't be any more dangerous, Channel 5 News has discovered that there is an atheist among us!

Clappy: HAHAHAHA eat shit Seth. Eat shit. Also it’s pronounced “amogus."

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Rusty: This is like the opposite of bad Christian Persecution Films.

Diane Simmons: [a poster of Brian saying “Worse Than Hitler!” appears next to her]

Clappy: A picture really is worth a thousand words here:

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JCM: I will admit I don't mind seeing that again.

Local church goer and junior christian soldier Meg Griffin has identified the atheist as Brian Griffin of Spooner Street. Here's the reaction from City Hall.

Adam West: Shocking to say the least. I'd rather have a terrorist living on our midst. At least they believe in a God. Even if it's a smelly brown God.

Clappy: I guess I’m not smart enough to understand this joke either. Better question, is anyone?

JCM: To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Family Guy.

Rusty: Casual Racism, this is exactly like a bad Christian Persecution Film.

Brian: Meg, how the hell could you do something like this?

Meg: If a man hath ears, let him hear, Brian!

Clappy: Even I don’t get this religious allegory.

JCM: People Who Have Never Read the Bible Making Up Bible Verses for 200, Alex.

Brian: Alright, what's the worst that could happen, this is the twenty first century, people are tolerant.

Rusty: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA says the guy painting all christians as idiots who hate people who are different.

Clappy: Avoid Twitter at all costs then, Brian.

[a brick is thrown through the window] Well, this is nothing, probably just a random act of violence. [Brian’s Prius crashes through next]

Brian: I thought only he without sin could cast the first Prius.

Peter: Ha!

Clappy: Once again, hard to feel sympathetic for the character getting shunned when they aren’t being painted in a likable fashion. Do your homework Family Guy.

[Brian avoids a violent mob outside, barely making it inside of the house]

Brian: Huh, my God.

JCM: Thought you didn't believe in God 🤔

Rusty: Curious!

That was a close one.

Lois: Brian, what happened?

Clappy: Oh I don’t know Lois. Ask the fucking Prius that went flying through your house. Seriously, nobody is actually this oblivious…except the Griffins apparently.

Brian: I'm a pariah, Lois. Ever since Meg told everyone I'm an atheist I'm the most hated person in town. I try to rent a movie and they threw me out. I try to buy a pack of cigarettes and they threw me out. But the most serious part of it is no bar would serve me a drink!

Rusty: That explains a lot. Maybe Seth is just angry drunk and some Catholic Priest gave him a dirty look for being drunk at 9 AM.

Lois: Well if you ask me, I think laying off the sauce could do you some good Brian.

Clappy: Seriously Seth. Listen to your own show.

JCM: The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

Brian: Yeah, right. If you need me I'll be in the kitchen.

Lois: I hope he finds faith of some kind.

Clappy: He is just doomed to repeat the same mistakes Lois. We’ve got seasons more of proof.

Peter: You know who doesn't have all this problems? Marmaduke. All he does is eat pies off the high counter. Next time around we're gonna get ourselves a big tall pie-eating dog, Lois.

Lois: Okay Peter.

Peter: Or Howard Hughes. Let's get Howard Hughes! Great, we have a game plan.

Clappy: Marmaduke + Howard Hughes = ?

Brian: [sitting at the table, going through alcohol withdrawal as he imagines bottles spin around his head] Hold it together, Brian, hold it together.

Jack Daniels: Come on! You know you want a drink.

Beer: Yeah, come on, Brian, drink us!

JCM: What was this episode about, again?

Jagermeister: Come on, drink me! What are you waiting for?

Zima: Yeah you big silly ass. Just wrap your lips around me and take a big gulp.

Rusty: Something tells me Brain needs to go to Alcoholics Anonymous.

Jagermeister: Get to the chopper! [alcohol bottles escape into a helicopter]

Clappy: Take me with you!

[Stewie is with the Star Trek cast at a bowling alley]

Clappy: Maybe they’ll do something interesting this time-…I think we still know the answer to this one.

Stewie: Alright, everybody got your bowling shoes, everybody got your balls.

Jonathan Frakes: I don't have my shoes.

Stewie: Jonathan, we were just up at the counter. Why didn't you get your shoes?

Patrick Stewart: I don't have my shoes either.

Stewie: What the hell? You need your shoes to bowl!

Patrick Stewart: Now, why exactly can I not wear my loafers? What is the danger there?

Rusty: A broken nose. Don’t ask.

Stewie: Because, Patrick, because, Patrick! Those are the rules.

JCM: I'm convinced.

Patrick Stewart: Well I think it's just because they want another dollar fifty from me.

Clappy: Riveting commentary on inflation. What other wacky shenanigans are they going to get into next?

Stewie: Alright, I'm putting our names in. Brent…

Brent Spiner: No-no, don't put Brent. Put Rock Kickass.

Stewie: I don't know how to change it, I already typed it in!

Clappy: It’s like you’re a baby or something.

Michael Dorn: For mine, put Dirk Diggler.

Stewie: I'm not gonna put everyone with a fake name!

Clappy: I sometimes questioned if some of these actors' names aren’t fake tbh.

Gates McFadden: How do you wanna do the teams?

Patrick Stewart: How about the white guys against the black guys?

Rusty: …what

JCM: Well, that's it for me! See y'all at the end.

Stewie: Patrick, don't be an instigator.

Clappy: Is that what he calls it?

Michael Dorn: I have to pee.

Stewie: Brent, take Michael to the bathroom, please.

Brent Spiner: Okay. [walking off while holding hands]

Rusty: god i wish that were me

Clappy: Fucking enthralling television. Any other witty comments?

Patrick Stewart: [holding up two bowling balls] Look at me, I've got girl boobs!

Clappy: Great. Fox sure got their money’s worth with this side plot!

[Meg is praying in her bedroom]

Meg: God, please wrap this up over the next three minutes or I swear to god I’ll bring back Lacey Chabert.

Brian: Hey Meg! Guess what? I've seen the light!

Rusty: Blinded by it, even! He’s revved up like a Deucebag.

Meg: Really?

Brian: Yes, hallelujah I believe in God. Lordy-lordy, I believe!

Meg: Brian, that's fantastic news!

Clappy: Why don’t you ask him to quote his favorite bible verse as proof? Or are we to believe that all Christians are idiots? Whoops, there I go bringing that up again.

Brian: I know, I know. Hey, you mind spreading the news around town, say maybe down at the liquor store, maybe down at the Clam.

Rusty: I love how…the writers make it PAINFULLY obvious that Brian’s an Unsympathetic Alcoholic, and yet WE’RE SUPPOSED TO CHEER FOR HIM?! God, get a dog up ya, Seth.

Meg: Of course Brian, but first we have work to do. God's work. And God will be happy that you're joining me.

Clappy: Or jamming out to Queen, amirite?

Brian: Then I say let's celebrate the way they did in the bible. With wine. Red wine. You know, like Jesus drank.

Rusty: I might need some Red Red Wine to cool my nerves after this. I’m sorry, I’m supposed to be the funny one, aren’t I?

Jesus: [on a date] Do you like the wine?

Woman: Very much, what is it?

Jesus: Take a guess.

Woman: I have to leave.

Jesus: [locks door] Naaah, sit down.

Clappy: Wow. This might be even more tasteless than the last cutaway…which reminds me, this episode has not been all that cutaway heavy. Maybe because Seth really wants to hammer in his garbage moral? Possibly.

[Meg is driving the car, while Brian is in the passenger seat with alcohol]

Brian: Thanks for setting everyone straight, Meg. I feel the warm healing liquid presence of God's genuine cold filtered grace.

Rusty: and just like that, a new genre of fetish was born.

Clappy: Wait a minute “Brian”…aren’t you being as exploitative as those “stupid Christians” just to get what you want? Whoops, there I go using logic again to point out the hypocrisy in your own stance.

Meg: It was my pleasure Brian. And now, we get to do the work of the Lord. [stops car] Come on!

Brian: What? What are we doing?

Meg: God's will Brian. [points to a mob burning books]

Clappy: If you really want to hammer your point across, all of those books should be Brian’s novel.

Brian: A book burning?

Meg: Come on! Grab an arm full! We have to destroy everything that's harmful to God!

Rusty: Can I burn the master tape of this episode? Pretty please?

[several books thrown into the fire include: “The Origin of Species” by Charles Darwin, “A Brief History of Time” by Stephen Hawking and “Logic for First Graders”]

Clappy: Ah yes, because it is god's will to do something as extremely dated as a book burning to react to anyone who is opposing your stance. As funny as it is that they are burning a book called “Logic for First Graders”, it’s also fitting because going to this level of extremity to preach your moral onto your audience is like watching a first grader throwing a temper tantrum because someone disagrees with them.

Rusty: I WISH it was dated, but apparently it’s common practice down here in Tennessee. Yea, I live in a state with crazy evangelists and I’m calling out this episode’s BS.

Brian: Meg, I can't be a part of this. And neither should you!

Meg: What are you talking about? I thought you'd seen the light, Brian!

Rusty: hey remember when this started with Kirk Cameron

Brian: Well, to be honest I lied for booze, but Meg, you're a smart girl. You ought to be able to see that what's going on here is wrong!

Meg: You are not gonna turn me from my faith, Brian!

Clappy: But you’re burning books…the most outdated form of protesting.

Brian: Ok, fine, then let me ask you this. If there were a God, would He have put you here on Earth with a flat chest and a fat ass?

Meg: I'm made in His image…

Brian: Really? Would He give you a smoking hot Mom like Lois and have you grow-up looking like Peter?

Meg: Well…

Brian: And what kind of God would put you in a house where no one respects and cares about you, not even enough to give you a damn mumps shot?!

Rusty: Oh it’s the classic “you have a horrible life therefore there is no god”...fuckin, does this guy ever listen to actual Christians who had shitty lives? Whatever.

Meg: …Oh, no! You're right, Brian! You're right!

Clappy: And for as much as I was annoyed about listening to this episode basically depict all Christians as ignorant bigots, this is where a bad plot becomes absolutely atrocious. Because if you are unattractive and have a miserable life like Meg, then God does not exist. Fuck off Seth…I mean “Brian”…I mean Seth. I was planning to dive in further, but I recently read an interview where even Seth states that he regretted this and considers this a bad episode in hindsight. Hindsight sure is 20/20 so I’m glad to see he regrets this one. At the same time…well gee, I wonder why? Was it because of the hypocrisy of your own moral? Was it because you have a one track state of mind when it comes to preaching your views? Or maybe because you don’t care how your audience feels anymore and just want to give them the middle finger constantly? Nah, we aren’t at that state for the show…yet. But this sure does feel like Seth doing whatever he wants without any remorse. I guess we should all convert to atheism since nobody is perfect in the eyes of God, right Seth? Someone cast another Prius over this loophole.

Brian: I'm sorry Meg.

Meg: But what is there to believe in without God? Where do the answers come from?

Brian: Oh that's all part of the human experience. It's what we're here to find out. And I bet you that the real answer to the nature of our existence is gonna be more unimaginably amazing than we can possibly conceive.

Rusty: hashtag deep

Clappy: Too deep Brian. Too deep. Quagmire’s epic rant against Brian’s flaws as a character couldn’t come soon enough.

[Zoom out from Earth into space. Reveal Rob Lowe and Adam West in separate beds.]

Clappy: How old fashioned.

Rusty: Hey it’s like Bert and Ernie…it’s even as charming as Bert and Ernie. I’m impressed.

Adam West: Rob? Did you hear that?

Rob Lowe: Hear what?

Rusty: ......*fart_sound_effect.mp3*

Adam West: I swear I heard something.

Adam West: A talking dog and baby.

Rob Lowe: Oh God, we have been over and over this. There is nothing under your bed. There is nothing in the closet. There are no such things as monsters. Alright?

Clappy: Clearly Rob Lowe has never met Brian Griffin, who is worse than Hitler.

Adam West: Alright I guess.

Rob Lowe: Good. Now, try to go to sleep, cause we gotta get up in the morning and make movies. We're big Hollywood actors.

Adam West: Yeah we are! [fist bump]

Clappy: At this point of their careers, they were television actors, but who am I to not enjoy this small tidbit…no matter how weirdly out of place it was. RIP Adam West.

Rusty: Godspeed, Batman. Godspeed.

[In Stewie's bedroom, the entire cast of "Star Trek: The Next Generation" are standing on his transporter pad, with Stewie standing beside the transporter controls, exhausted]

Clappy: And speaking of weirdly out of place, let’s wrap up this nothing of a B plot.

Stewie: This was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhausting. You people have ruined "Star Trek: The Next Generation" for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses I have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die.

Clappy: Damn Stewie. At least let them answer your questions first.

Rusty: I’m talking everything from you, give me your phone.

Patrick Stewart: I still have five prize tickets from the carnival.

Stewie Griffin: There was nothing for five tickets! We've been over this!

Patrick Stewart: Well, but LeVar and I were going to pool ours for the fuzzy troll pencil topper.

Clappy:  You see the joke is that these are fully grown men, but maybe if they made this funny, then you would get this is supposed to be a joke.

Stewie: Oh, yeah? You gonna share that?

LeVar Burton: Yeah, we were gonna share it.

Stewie: Really? How's that going to work?

Patrick Stewart: Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays.

Clappy: Honestly sounds like a solid custody arrangement. They sure did better than most actual human beings do with child custody.

Stewie Griffin: For a pencil topper?

Rusty: …one more time…what

Michael Dorn: I have to pee again.

Clappy: Thanks for your one bit joke. Sure hope they paid you well to repeatedly beat that into the ground.

Stewie Griffin: That's it. Good-bye. [teleports them away. Brent's drink doesn't teleport and stains the floor] Fuck!

Clappy:  “Fuck!” Is right. You all should know by now how I feel about the A-plot. It’s terrible. It always has been terrible and I’m glad to see that Seth regrets it in hindsight.

But let’s focus on this B plot to wrap things up. This was always highlighted as being the reason to watch this episode and I used to like this B plot back in the day. But now? I’m sorry but I’m going to call it just a waste of time. Like you reunited the main cast of one of the most beloved television series of all-time and this is what you choose to do with it? Alexa, give me all the synonyms for the word lazy.

Family Guy has had far worse episodes than this is an understatement. However, I can’t think of a more perfect “earlier season” episode that represents how atrocious this show ended up becoming than this.

JCM: I don't remember the show having this much casual racism. The fact that these supposedly progressive writers would go for that low hanging fruit not just once, not just twice, but three times in the portion of the script I actually bothered to read shows how progressive they really are. They seem to want to follow the Norman Lear approach of using their characters to comment on issues they feel are important and that they feel don't get a lot of exposure on other shows, but these writers aren't as smart and certainly aren't as funny as the ones the Norman Lear shows had.

I'm glad Seth went on to regret this episode's A-plot, but it's too little and too late for that. My annoyance at this episode's mocking of religious people was only second to my annoyance at its casual treatment of race, and while I agree it's not the worst episode even out of the few I remember, it's one I wouldn't think for a second about changing the channel to avoid watching the next time it's on Adult Swim or whatever the crap Family Guy is rerunning on now. If I was still one of the 13 year old boys this show's humor seems to be targeted at I would probably be willing to sit through it and might even enjoy it but now that I'm twice that age I have much better things to do with my time. Peace.

Rusty: Okay, so time for my piece, huh. Well, I’m Agnostic, and to be honest, I find that religion can be a good and healthy way to deal with the Existential Dread that we all face, from the Incoming Specter of Death to How we Face Everyday Problems. Whatever belief system helps you deal with that, great! I won’t judge…unless your beliefs actively harm people. That I have a BIG problem with. While certain politicians can’t seem to stop using religion as an excuse to abuse and harm others, there are at least more religious people unlike than like them. Unfortunately, Seth in 2009 didn’t think that way. I’m glad Seth has grown to regret this episode, he should, frankly. The A-Plot was some of the most crass, preachy writing that ever hit a writing floor.

As for the B-Plot, well, what more can you say? It’s like they got all of the Star Trek: Next Generation cast members together and…didn’t know what to do with them. I swear that joke about killing off one of the actors had more potential for a story, but nope, Bowling Alleys and McDonald’s Drive-Thrus, HUMOR. Just…wasted potential, that’s all I can say.

Anyway I’ll see you next week…I promise I won’t be that busy.

 

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Say what you will about "American Dad", at least THEY tend to be more consistent in terms of writing, ideals, and characterization! Enough said, true believers!

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