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French Barbeau’s groundbreaking research on the underwater community of Bikini Bottom has turned the world of oceanography on its head. Many sea creatures are exhibiting intelligence on the same level as that of modern day humans, a feat they seem to have long accomplished years ago. Bikini Bottom has been officially recognized as the first of possibly many undersea sanctuaries, housing all those who wish to live safely away from the perilous wilds of the vast open ocean. Various defense measures have been observed being taken in order to enforce peace in this city, such as the establishment of its very own police force. However, not ALL of its denizens are so civilized.

Television producer and weekend marine biologist, Nigel Darnell, dives headfirst into the dark side of these underwater “civilizations” in a major effort to get the whole story of this latest step in evolution told, and his findings show that feral, animalistic activity still takes place in spite of the progress that Bikini Bottom has made. Darnell seeks to answer whether undersea civility is truly a possibility, or if predation is ultimately an inevitability.



Nigel Darnell: A “contemporary” of French Barbeau’s. He is opportunistic and ambitious, and it’s plastered all over his work for the Graphic Nature Channel.

Kana: One of Darnell’s “roster of stars”. She is an octopus dubbed by Darnell as the “Cephalo Serial Killer”. She appears to loathe her species’ existence and sees only futility in the idea of civility. She also looks down on a lot of her own kind for degenerating into a bunch of mindless, pompous interpretive dancers.

The Yellow Goatfish: Kana’s crew of six, her “hunting party”, so to speak. They mysteriously flocked to her one day and they’ve been joined at her hip ever since. They don’t appear to be capable of speech like other modern fish, suggesting they may not be as evolved as others

Rust: The latest ratings success in Darnell’s “roster of stars”. Darnell markets him as “The Copper Head”. He is a copper shark and the leader of the Bronze Whalers. Most shark species know better than to associate themselves with a sensational figure like Darnell, but Rust sees it as a prime business opportunity to put more of the spotlight on his own kind.

Hitori: Darnell’s biggest meal ticket. He is a blue whale-fin whale hybrid who also happens to be one of the few 52-hertz whales in the world. This is less of an honor and more of a curse as this distinction deprives Hitori of the ability to communicate with any of his species.

Amaqjuaq: One of Darnell’s longest-tenured stars. He is a Steller’s sea lion who was once part of the US Navy’s Marine Mammal Program. This special training makes him and his raft of fellow sea lions more than a formidable threat to the likes of sharks and even orcas, which makes him all the more essential to Darnell.


Episode 1) Psycho Killer

One fine evening, a male octopus is seen escorting his female companion back to her humble home, which is made out of two halves of a coconut. She comments on how “The Table for Two” was an even more thought provoking experience than the original “The Table” movie. There’s just something about two people coming together for dinner, having a friendly conversation as equals, that really captivates her. The film consisted mainly of improvised, natural dialogue and it carried the movie mighty fine throughout the entirety of its three hour runtime.

The male octopus agrees with her assessment, stating that it’s funny how getting a little food in your system can bring a pair so close together. The male octopus leans in for a kiss goodnight, but the female pulls back and opens the front door behind her. She invites him instead, saying “why should the night end here”. The male accompanies her inside and closes the front door behind him.

She leads him upstairs to the master bedroom. Upon opening the door, she’s greeted by the unwelcome sight of six yellow goatfish picking off the scraps of the house’s original owner. The female thinks fast by locking onto the male in a tight embrace kisses him passionately in order to take away his full attention while the goatfish scramble to hide the body in plain sight. The female sends a tentacle out to get a feel of the goatfishes’ progress and once they’re finally done, she pulls the male’s almost motionless body over to the bed. She had already pierced him with her razor sharp beak and inflicted him with her bodily toxins.

The male lies helpless, paralyzed, as the female proceeds to have her way, strangling and slowly devouring him with each dislocation of his tentacles. The goatfish witness the act unfold, waiting to eventually get their turn. Some time passes before the female decides that she’s had enough. The goatfish quickly swarms over, but she punches one of them back, not pleased at how their cover was almost blown. Again. She wonders aloud, “just why do I keep you lot around? You’re more liabilities than anything!” But regardless, she allows them their share. Loyalty is a hard thing for Kana to come by, and while they may annoy the shit out of her, the goatfish make good company, if anything.

Kana gets on a nearby shellphone and makes a courtesy call to her paymaster. She asks if Darnell was able to get all of that, to which Darnell replies that he did. In Darnell’s words, “it was yet another exemplary showcase of what the night octopus can do”. She inquired about the ratings, since she heard reports that they weren’t as strong as they once were. She lets Darnell know that if there’s anything he wants for her to change up, to just tell her and she’ll do it. Darnell assures her that as long as these current numbers maintain, she’ll be guaranteed a renewal. He tells her to keep doing what she’s doing, and he’ll be in touch.

The line goes dead. Kana places the phone back on the nightstand, still unsure of what to make of that. If she has to watch another artsy fartsy art house shit show again, she’s gonna upchuck her last few meals. She hates what the world has become. Things seemed to make a lot more sense when it was still dog eat dog, survival of the fittest, that kinda shit. Having eight tentacles used to mean something so much more than just interpretive dancing and clarinet playing. Nine brains, and the most that octopi can wrap their nine minds around is whether or not their next loaf of bread should come in a can. Civilization expects octopuses to put their vast intelligence to work by working menial 9-5’s when they were once the only sea creature who could even use tools in the first place. She doesn’t need to “buy” her bread in a can, she can go out and make her own out of the internal entrails of her prey. Just the way nature had intended. And now she’s been branded as some “serial killer” just for going by her sheer instinct? What a load of barnacles nature can be sometimes.

This feral phobia needs to stop, she thought. It’s not doing the ocean any good. Kana collects all her hunting buddies and leads them out of the house before setting the coconut ablaze. She slinks away into the darkness, flanked by her yellow colored crew. Sirens can already be heard in the far distance. Stressing over this subject always leaves her drained, both mentally and physically. The night is still young. The female octopus can still go for seconds. She pulls up the “Packeter” app on her phone for another match. Oh joy. Another starving artist type. Yet another up and coming pupil at the dance academy. Who’s up for some more homemade takoyaki?




  • Kana is named after Kanaloa, a Hawaiian god who is represented by the octopus

  • Kanaloa is often associated with fellow god, Kāne, commonly portrayed as being complementary powers to each other. Representing the divine duality of wild and taming forces, Kanaloa embodies the wild whereas Kāne embodies the taming

  • Takoyaki is also known as “octopus balls”. The double entendre game is on point

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Episode 2) Shark Gang Wars

When Sharkey Two-Times and his Bloodtips rejected the once in a lifetime offer to become a featured attraction on the Graphic Nature Channel, how could the Bronzies possibly pass it up?

If you haven’t already heard of The Bronze Whalers, then congratulations. That makes you and about most every other normal, everyday, working bodies. More commonly known as copper sharks, they’ve taken quite nicely to the moniker because it makes them feel more powerful than they actually are. When people hear the word “whaler” they think of something capable enough to take down an entire whale. In the shark world, such a feat would be considered legendary. It’s not something that even the greatest of great whites can accomplish. But the Bronze Whalers are opportunistic little scamps. They know full well just what human beings have been capable of throughout the years. They know exactly where to gather and at just the right time when a whale has just finished getting the shit harpooned out of it. They take credit for the Herculean feat, and they get fed very nicely in doing so. It’s a hustle that has provided greatly for them throughout multiple centuries. Though their methods of doing so , however, shouldn’t exactly win them any third place trophies. About tenth, at least.

And at the top of the tenth rate food chain is “The Copper Head” himself, Rust. Don’t let the name fool you, he’s still far from showing any signs of rust. And as the self-appointed head of the table, it is his duty to provide for his shiver of sharks. Rusty likes to fashion himself a fundamentalist and he certainly perceives himself as being a cut above the Sharkey Two-Times way of running things, but in all honesty, they’re not all that different.

Sharkey has his bloody fangs cinched in deep to Bikini Bottom. He and his bloodtips provide a sense of security that no policing body can hope to provide and they make a killing off it. Sharkey claims to be looking out for the little guys, but fail to pay him back in full, and you’ll find yourself at the bottom of his food chain. Rust, on the other hand, claims to look out for his fellow shark. A whole whale carcass can provide well beyond his shiver’s means, so he isn’t beyond sharing the spoils and spreading the wealth…for a nominal fee, of course. And expecting payment from a species that most of whom haven’t accepted or flat out don’t believe in the concept of “money” isn’t going to win you much support. But their support is the least of Rust’s concerns.

The real bread and butter lies on the surface. For many years, human-shark relations have been strained. The Bronze Whalers are one of the very few who seem to have some form of symbiosis with their neighbors up top. As well as being one of those lesser known species that can easily disappear in a crowd, Rust has decided to use that to his advantage.

Sending members of his shiver out into areas frequented by the likes of dusky, sandbar and even the versatile bull shark, Rust has coordinated and carried out many planned attacks on humans, with some fatal, and most of which the blame fell on to other species. With the reputation of his rivals taking the hit for his actions, the Bronze Whalers are free to push in on their territory as humans start to retaliate in kind.

As previously stated, the copper sharks are an opportunistic and greedy lot. Which makes them the perfect subjects for the Graphic Nature Channel to further research on. But if they think, even for a second, that they can strong arm us for clout, then Mr. Darnell has enough evidence here that can really fuck up their day.




  • Sharkey Two-Times is a featured character in the licensed PC video game, “SpongeBob Diner Dash 2”

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Episode 3) 52 is the Loneliest Number

First discovered in 1989 by a team at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution (who came up with that name with a straight face), the sound of the 52-hertz whale has since become a siren’s song of sorts. A phenomenon that has lured many-a-human to the deep blue in order to find the anomalous source of such an unheard of sound.

What makes the sound of this particular whale so unique is that it’s the only one of its kind. Blue whales are known to vocalize at 10-39 hertz whereas the fin whale vocalizes at a frequency of just 20 hertz. This stark difference in frequencies has thus made 52 completely unable to communicate with any of its own kind. What might come across as the sound of a tuba to humans, is a completely different language for other whales. As a result, the 52-hertz whale has gone down in internet history as the world’s loneliest whale.

For years, scientists have surveyed its apparent roaming grounds, and the one thing that became a constant throughout each passing season was the sound of that 52-hertz. A constant that still goes on to this very day, proving that despite any possible deficiencies or defects the whale may have, it has seemingly gone on to mature and has proven to be perfectly capable of surviving completely on its own.

As stated previously, Whale 52 has become something of a modern Moby Dick, but with a more conservational edge to it. But despite researchers’ best efforts, ironically enough, it appears as though they might just be calling out to nothing. But that’s just what separates other researchers from Graphic Nature’s own Nigel Darnell.

In 2010, signs of a possible second 52-hertz whale were first recorded in unison with the original’s. Breaking away from the pack, Nigel Darnell would shift his focus and efforts entirely on the second ping. And in doing so, he has managed to do what no one else has done, not even the great French Barbeau; he has found the source!

Tracking the 52-hertz down to a humble convenience store located in the underwater sanctuary town of Ukulele Bottom, Darnell finds one of the most elusive whales in the world stocking shelves for a modest living. The newly discovered blue whale-fin whale hybrid didn’t even have a name to put on its name tag, so Darnell, being the first to inform the whale of his vast importance, took it upon himself to name this new 52, “Hitori the Malformed”. But contrary to popular belief, Hitori wasn’t as alone as most would’ve thought.

Despite his inability to communicate with his own species, and thanks to new nautical dating innovations such as Blowholer, The second 52-hertz whale seems to have finally found the one to answer his call. Hitori the Malformed agrees to have Nigel document this groundbreaking, once in a lifetime experience in its entirety.

Later that night, Hitori the Malformed approaches his potential mate’s door, and upon seeing a note on the door telling him that there’s a spare key under the welcome mat, he proceeds to let himself in.


And there his date was, locked in a passionate embrace with a male humpback whale. His hopes and dreams for a pod of his very own crushed, just like that. She notices Hitori the Malformed standing there in the doorway. He tried to get a word in, but it was useless, they never understood it. And such is the life of one of the world’s loneliest whales, Hitori the Malformed leaves to wander the streets alone, only left with his unintelligible thoughtS.

The female whale asks Darnell if that was a good take, to which Nigel bluntly replies that it wasn’t. He couldn’t possibly cap this latest piece off with a huge cuck out moment. And with Hitori the Malformed’s heart not in it the way that he anticipated, Nigel orders Amaqjuaq and his raft of sea lions to dispose of the female and her acting companion “for him”. They’ll just have to edit it all in post.



  • Hitori in Japanese stands for “alone” or “one person”

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Episode 4) Imperium

Just off the shore of Waimanalo Bay, two whale carcasses are drifting dangerously close. This rare event attracts many of the locals, and even tourists, to the beach in order to catch a glimpse of such noble creatures. The blue and humpback whales are both estimated to have died somewhere in the last 3-5 days prior to the current bringing washing them ashore. Native Hawaiians see this as a gift to be received due to the great significance that whales have in their culture. A traditional Hawaiian blessing is held and witnessed by 50 people in order to pay respects, with the pule being recited by a modern day kahuna. The whales will soon be collected from the beach in order to receive a proper burial on land. The one thing that leaves locals and experts baffled is the circumstances surrounding these deaths, as the markings on the bodies don’t appear to be from any shark they’ve ever seen. Could they possibly be from another whale?

A couple hundred yards away from shore, “Sedna’s First”, led by Amaqjuaq, watches as these blessings unfold. They are covered in whale body matter and baleen. Amaqjuaq graciously accepts the people’s thanks in place of their gods and on behalf of his raft. The local monk seal population knows better than to mind any sea lion business whenever Amaqjuaq makes the odd appearance in Hawaiian waters. The presence of he and his raft continues to go unnoticed on land, but those privy to the sea know full well what they’re capable of and exactly what their being here means. The monk seals keep a quiet vigil on Amaqjuaq.

The tiger sharks who roam these waters are usually whipped into a feeding frenzy whenever such bountiful food makes its way into their territory, but sensing the sea lions’ presence nearby is enough to give them reason to pause.

The monk seals are ambushed by a gang of copper sharks. The tigers sense both the commotion and the intruders, but refrain from intervening as they sense the sea lions coming in close. Much like the monk seals, the tigers are also well aware of what Amaqjuaq is capable of, even coming to the correct conclusion that he had a hand in these whales’ deaths. The tigers each decide that self-preservation is the best course of action and flee the bay.

In an underwater standoff between the tigers and lions of the sea, the sea lion effortlessly asserts his dominance over what many would consider to be gods in some cultures.



  • Amaqjuaq is a name of Inuit origin, meaning “the strong one”

  • The name of Amaqjuaq’s group, “Sedna’s First”, is inspired by the legend of the Inuit goddess of the sea, Sedna, whose severed fingers would become the first sea mammals.

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