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Old Man Squidward


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For @jjsthekid's King Neptune request, Old Man Squidward!

 

1 month after the events of the rise of god, Old Man Patrick…

 

Squidward wakes up one Sunday morning. He woke up annoyed, remembering he had to go to work and deal with Spongebob all day, but then he remembered...it’s Sunday, he can stay home and relax! However he then heard yelling coming from outside. And then he remembered….he can never have a relaxing day! 

 

Squidward: *opens window and yells out* CAN YOU KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE! I’M TRYING TO RELAX ON MY SUNDAY MORNING!

 

Spongebob: Oh, I’m sorry Squidward, I’d love to keep it down for your morning, but it’s kinda hard to be quiet with what we’re doing!

 

Squidward: What do you mean you can’t be quiet? *goes outside to his front lawn, where Spongebob and Patrick are outside on a TV*

 

Spongebob: See Squidward, we’re playing video games outside!

 

Squidward: How can you possibly play video games outside? the TV isn’t connected to anything!

 

Spongebob: Well, that’s why we can’t be quiet! See, one of us will play the game and the other will electrocute themselves so that the tv has electricity to run the game! 

 

Patrick: See, like this! *brings out electrocutor and touches the tv and shocks himself* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! *TV turns on*

 

Squidward: Ok, how about this idea…..maybe you could PLUG IT IN…...INSIDE YOUR HOUSE?

 

Spongebob: Oh, but we’re not electrocuting ourselves for the fun of it! We’re electrocuting ourselves to ease the pain of playing this game!

 

Squidward: What game could possibly be so bad that electrocuting yourselves is better?

 

Spongebob: Super Mario 64!

 

Squidward: WHAT? Why are you playing that garbage?

 

Patrick: An old man at the retirement home said he would give us coupons for a free goofy goobers meal and a special exclusive type of ice cream if we beat it! 

 

Spongebob: And nothing is so bad it’s worth missing out on goofy goobers special ice cream!

 

Squidward: How far have you gotten?

 

Spongebob: Pretty far actually! We’re almost made it to the castle!

 

Squidward: …

 

Patrick: If we’re lucky we might finish it by noon at this pace!

 

Squidward: You know what, how about this? I’ll finish the game for you so that you don’t have to be loud-I mean electrocute yourself to get your goofy goobers!

 

Spongebob: Oh, thank you Squidward! You’re the best neighbor ever!

 

Squidward: Yes I am! Anyway, I’ll take this inside and finish it for you, I’m a very good gamer so I should be able to complete this in an hour. I just have to go to church first.

 

Spongebob: Ok! We’ll be waiting in Patrick’s House!

 

Squidward, of course, only did this so he could enjoy the rest of his sunday. His plan was to simply find a way to hack the game to have 100% completion, so that it looked like he really did beat the game. He found a hack that did this, but before actually using it he had to get to King Neptune’s Catholic Bikini Bottom church in time. The church went just like any other normal church day, Squidward prayed to King Neptune and everything. When he walked out of church however, he was pulled away by an unfortunately familiar person.

 

Ice Cream King: Congratulations, you’re our randomly chosen convert of the day!

 

Squidward: What?

 

Ice Cream King: Our random convert! We’re going to introduce you to the religion of Old Man Patrick!

 

Squidward: The WHAT?

 

Ice Cream King: Last month, we discovered the true god of the world, Old Man Patrick!  It’s Patrick Star as an old man! He’s our true god!

 

Squidward: WHAT??? Patrick is no god! He’s no god at any age!

 

Ice Cream King: Yes he is, and he protects believers from having anything bad happen to them-

 

Squidward: Oh please, Old Man Patrick is as far away from a god as you can get! He’s a complete moron! If Old Man Patrick was a god, I’d drown myself to death! Patrick is half the reason I hate my life!

 

Ice Cream King: You are a disgrace! I hope you go to Davy Jone’s Locker you satanic Cephalopod! *walks away*

 

Squidward: People these days…..Believing Patrick as an old man is a god…….oh please……

 

Squidward went back to his house and enabled the hack to 100% Super Mario 64. He turned the game on to make sure it works, and the mario head shows up!

 

Mario: It’s-a me, Mario! Hello, Squidward!

 

Squidward: ah good, it works so far-wait, did it say Squidward?

 

Mario: Yes, it did! You are going to hell!

 

Squidward: WHAT THE? WHAT IS THIS?

 

Mario: I am Old Man Patrick! *transforms into a head of Old Man Patrick* You are going to Davy Jone’s Locker for insulting me!

 

Squidward: WHAT? this isn’t real, this can’t be real, King Neptune is the only god-

 

*lightning suddenly hits outside, and the world goes dark. Squidward’s power goes out, but his TV stays on*

 

Old Man Patrick: I am the god of the world, and you have commited multiple sins your whole life! And calling me a moron and not a god is the worst you’ve done yet! So I am going to have to curse you now!

 

Squidward: No, please! I was just kidding about that stuff earlier, you’re the only god I believe in, please don’t curse me!

 

Old Man Patrick: I know you are a liar. It’s too late to make up for all you’ve done. 

 

*lightning strikes all over the place and everything turns black before the whole world flashes white. Suddenly, everything returns to normal.*

 

Squidward: *in shock* What was that……..it must have been a hallucination or something…...Well, lemme see if the hack works. If all went well, I should only have to complete the first level and it will give me every single star of the game, and I can relax for the rest of my Sunday. 

 

Squidward went in and got the first star of the game. And to his surprise…...he liked it. In fact, he LOVED it.

 

Squidward: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but….that was really fun! I really enjoyed that! I especially enjoyed throwing around that Bob-Omb King! I wanna play even more!

 

The hack didn’t work, but Squidward never even noticed. He spent all day playing more and more of the game and completely forgot about Spongebob and Patrick’s coupon. Finally at 1:00 AM, he got up to go to bed.

 

Squidward: Ouch, that actually kinda hurt getting up from the couch. I guess I sat way too long. Ouch, it even hurts to walk. I’d better get to bed and then walk around for a bit before I start work tomorrow.

 

The next day, it hurt even more.

 

Squidward: Ouch, why does it hurt to walk this much? Why am I having so much difficulty? There’s not anything wrong is there? I’d better check….*goes to mirror* AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

 

He looked like an old man! He was wrinkly and had a long white beard. That was why walking was so painful for him!

 

Squidward: What the? How am I an old man? I’m only 34! I shouldn’t be aging like this! I can barely even walk! I’m gonna have to drive the bus over to the Krusty Krab! 

 

Squidward gets on the bus and goes over to the Krusty Krab

 

Spongebob: Woah, Squidward! You look so old all of a sudden!

 

Squidward: Yeah, and everything’s painful like one too. I don’t know why…

 

Spongebob: Well, the customers are gonna be coming soon, I’d better get to work! Hope things stop hurting for you Squiddy!

 

Squidward: It better…

 

Squidward heard some other sounds from Spongebob too but thought nothing about it. He went over to the cash register to take everyone’s orders. Squidward felt extra grumpy, but other than that, everything was normal. In fact, things seemed quieter than usual...

 

Mayor: I’ll have a krabby patty and a side of coral fries please.

 

Squidward: Spongebob, I need a krabby patty and a side of coral fries.

 

Spongebob: Got it! *delivers food to the Mayor* Here you go, mr…….*notices who it is, gets nervous* uh…….Mayor, sir. Um, maybe I should-

 

Mayor: No, I’ll take this, thank you. *takes bite* WHAT??? WHY ISN’T THIS THE SPECIAL MAYOR EDITION OF THE KRABBY PATTY?

 

Spongebob: I don’t know sir, this should be the-

 

Mayor: This is just the regular Krabby Patty! I am not going to promote the Krusty Krab to the whole ocean and I will never come back! *leaves angrily*

 

Mr Krabs: SQUIDWARDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD *runs over to Squidward* What is this about? Why didn’t you tell Spongebob that was the mayor?

 

Squidward: I was supposed to tell him it was the mayor?

 

Mr Krabs: Yes, he told that to you before we opened. The Mayor wants a special edition of the Krabby Patty that’s exactly what he wants, and we’re supposed to just know! He told us about this a week ago! Spongebob told you to tell him when it was the Mayor!

 

Squidward: What? He never said that!

 

Spongebob: Um, yes I did, I told you earlier this morning. Didn’t you hear me?

 

Squidward: No!

 

Mr Krabs: He was gonna advertise the Krusty Krab to the whole ocean if we got him what he wanted, as bikini bottom’s NUMBER ONE restaurant! I’m losing tons of money because you decided to become an old deaf man out of nowhere! This is coming out of your paycheck! *goes back to his office*

 

Squidward: I don’t get it. Why am I suddenly an old man now???

 

Spongebob: This same thing happened to me and Patrick just last month! We became old men after we hanged out at shady shoals with all the old people! 

 

It just then occurred to Squidward that this could be the curse Old Man Patrick gave him. But he didn’t want to tell Spongebob about this. He wasn’t even sure if it was real or if he imagined it. He just wanted to undo it.

 

Squidward: How did you two fix it?

 

Spongebob: Um…...I think we solved it by yelling out the name Marco around the city? Try doing that.

 

So Squidward went around the city despite the pain he was in and screamed “Marco” all around.

 

Squidward: Marco! Marco! MARCO! MARCO! MARCO!!!!

 

Marco: Can you people stop yelling out my name???

 

Squidward: Not until I’m young again! MARCO!!!

 

Marco: I said, STOP CALLING OUT MY NAME! *punches Squidward*

 

Squidward: Well that was wacky….I guess I’d better just go back home. This isn’t working.

 

The next day, he woke up to loud noises coming from his front lawn. Not just Spongebob and Patrick….tons of screaming from little kids

 

Squidward: YOU KIDS GET OUT OF MY LAWN!

 

Kid: KAISKEDUFHFNFJDISIDKDKDKEKSIDY HAHAHAHAHAHAHA *transforms into a monster* OWISKEISHDHFNDNDHF

 

Squidward: What the fuck???

 

At this point, everything is now extremely wacky. In the episode, a montage of a ton of wacky things happening would play here, showing Squidward gradually age more and more, and the whole world gradually getting wackier and wackier. However, since this is a transcript and I don’t really have any ideas because I’m not a cartoonist you only get to see one example of this here, this being a bit of a break in the montage. Squidward is on the bus going to work because he can barely walk anymore.

 

Kid 1: Hey look, it’s an imposter in front of us!

 

Kid 2: Wow, that’s really sus! 

 

Kid 1: Yeah, that person is REALLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

 

Squidward: (in his mind): These kids are so fucking annoying, I am SO SICK of them

 

Kid 2: Yeah he is! 

 

Kid 1: *transform into amogus astronaut and stabs person in front of them with a knife* See, he’s the IMPOSTER! HES SUS!

 

Kid 2: Woah, you’re so SUSSYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

 

Squidward finally snapped. 

 

Squidward: SHUT UP YOU STUPID YOUNGLINGS! I AM SO TIRED OF HEARING ABOUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING SUSSY BAKA!!!

 

Kid 1: How about you shut up Cyan, no one likes you! EMERGENCY MEETING GUYS

 

Kid 2: I VOTE CYAN! HE’S SUS!

 

Squidward: I AM NOT SUS YOU IMBECILES!

 

Kid 2: Eject him! He’s the imposter! 

 

Squidward: I hate the damn kids these days! Always being SO FUCKING ANNOYING

 

Kid 1: GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

 

*Everyone ejects Squidward out of the bus*

 

Squidward: You call me sussy! I’LL SHOW YOU SUSSY ONE OF THESE DAYS IDIOTS!

 

Squidward struggled to get to work that day, and only made it the next day after getting a wheelchair that appeared out of nowhere.

 

Mr Krabs: Squidward! Where have you been???

 

Squidward: I tried to get to work but I GOT KICKED OUT OF THE DAMN BUS! AND I COULDN’T GET HERE ON MY OWN UNTIL THIS WHEELCHAIR APPEARED.

 

Mr Krabs: What has happened to you! Why are you suddenly an old man now?

 

Squidward: I don’t know, that’s what I wanna know! And why is there a yellow box in the kitchen? 

 

Mr Krabs: That’s Spongebob, what, are you blind now too!

 

Squidward: It’s WHAT??? I didn’t hear you!

 

Mr Krabs: Oh just get to work Mr Squidward.

 

The montage continues. A couple days later, Squidward is in about the same condition as Mermaid Man. He struggled to understand or hear anything.

 

Incidental 4364: I’ll have two Krabby Patties please

 

Squidward: You what?

 

Incidental 4364: I’ll have two Krabby Patties please

 

Squidward: WHAT WAS THAT?

 

Incidental 4364: TWO KRABBY PATTIES!!!!

 

Squidward: Oh. Two Naggy Daddies for the young lady over here Spongebob!

 

Spongebob: Naggy Daddies? What’s a naggy daddy?

 

Incidental 4364: I’m a man!

 

Squidward: What’s going on about men?

 

Incidental 4364: Face it old man, you’re getting too old to work here. You need to retire.

 

Squidward: Oh I see, SPONGEBOB! HE WANTS A TIRE ROLLED OVER HIS FACE!

 

Spongebob: He…..what? That’s a weird order but ok…..

 

Incidental 4364: That’s NOT what I said!

 

Squidward: Who said what now?

 

Incidental 4364: You’re crazy! I’m getting out of here!

 

Squidward: Where are we again ma’am?

 

Incidental 4364: …

 

Spongebob: TWO NAGGY DADDIES AND TIRE ROLLED OVER YOUR FACE FOR MISTER 4364!

 

Incidental 4364: OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW! That’s it! I’m suing this place!

 

Mr Krabs: WHAT??? Please no, don’t, we’re already losing business, I don’t want to lose money!

 

Incidental 4364: Too late, I’ve already been injured! owwwwwwwwwwwww *faints and gets carried out by an ambulance*

 

Mr Krabs: Squidward, that does it! I’ve been trying to let you stay and hope this old man thing of yours ends, but it’s just getting worse and worse! I’m afraid you’re gonna have to retire!

 

Squidward: I don’t know what you’re saying, miss

 

Mr Krabs: Oh forget it!

 

And Mr Krabs sent Squidward to a retirement home, where he now belonged due to his very old age. The retirement home was the only place immune to the wacky. At the retirement home, all he did was watch old TV and continuously play Super Mario 64. After a couple of days, a visitor came.

 

Spongebob: Hey Squidward! I thought you might want a visitor here at the retirement home!

 

Squidward: Hey look, a talking cereal box!

 

Spongebob: What? No, it’s Spongebob

 

Squidward: Oh. Who’s Spongebob?

 

Spongebob: Bahahahahahahahahaha! Ah Squidward, even in your old age you’re still so funny! Patrick wanted to come, but he’s busy Nitwitting with the Ice Cream King! But he’ll be here next time.

 

And that sentence reminded Squidward’s confused mind...

 

Squidward: Patrick…..Ice Cream King……...THE CURSE! THE CURSE IS KILLING ME!

 

Spongebob: Curse? What curse?

 

Squidward: I became an old man because I insulted Old Man Patrick! Now I…..I…..I…..I……*Squidward’s mind returns to confusion*

 

Spongebob: Oh Squidward, you just need to relax. Wanna watch the new Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy episode with me and the heroes themselves?

 

Squidward: What? Who’s Me?

 

Spongebob: Bahahahahahahahahahahahaha! This is the episode where Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy finally defeat Marco the Manatee! It’s gonna be so exciting!

 

Squidward: Marco? MARCO! MARCO! MARCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Marco: *suddenly enters the room* I told you, STOP YELLING MY NAME!!! IS GETTING PUNCHED NOT ENOUGH FOR YA!

 

Squidward: You want a fight old man???

 

Marco: Who’re you calling old man, look at yourself! 

 

Squidward: Look at what now?

 

Marco: You want a fight, you’ll get a damn fight!

 

Squidward: What’re we doing again?

 

Marco: WE’RE FIGHTING OLD MAN

 

Squidward: YOU’RE GOING DOWN-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

Suddenly, Squidward had a heart attack. 

 

Spongebob: No! Squidward! STATF, COME QUICK, SQUIDWARD NEEDS TO GET TO THE HOSPITAL!

 

*Staff rushes in and gets him to the hospital as quick as possible*

 

The next day in the hospital:

 

Spongebob, Patrick, Mama Squidward, and Mr Krabs are all standing beside Squidward’s hospital bed. He is on a heart monitor and is in very bad shape. He is stuck in a coma.

 

Doctor: I’m sorry, but there isn’t much we can do. He probably will die by the end of the hour. 

 

Spongebob: Please no……..Don’t let him die, he’s my best friend….

 

Doctor: I will do everything I can. I’ll see if I can *confusing hospital terms*

 

Mama Squidward: I can’t believe my son is dying. He was so healthy almost a week ago, and now he’s an old man…. *sobs*

 

Mr Krabs: He may have been annoying and a real jerk at times, and a very lazy employee, but I always liked him! I never wanted him to retire and die! *sobs*

 

Patrick: Squidward never got me my free goofy goobers special ice cream *sobs*

 

Spongebob: Please wake up Squidward…..I won’t leave you. I’ll make sure you get better. Please…….

 

*Squidward’s heart monitor stops. He is officially dead*

 

Spongebob: No….no……..NOOOOOOOOOO!!!! SQUIDWARDDDDDDDDDDD!!! WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE LIKE THIS??? I’m gonna miss you, Squidward………











 

There was nothing but a bright whiteness. It was all whiteness around. He didn’t know where he was or what was happening, but he felt relief. He knew some terrible pain had finally ended, and that he could be in peace forever from this point. He felt a kind and powerful presence.

 

Old Man Squidward: Who’s there? Where am I? What happened?

 

Old Man Patrick: You did it. I can’t believe it, but you did it.

 

Old Man Squidward: YOU! YOU’RE THE ONE WHO KILLED ME

 

Old Man Patrick. You don’t understand. You did it.

 

Old Man Squidward: Did what??? Oh, I’m so sorry I didn’t believe in you! I know now that you are the true god of all of existence! 

 

Old Man Patrick: Oh, forget about that. The past is in the past. You’re no longer going to Davy Jone’s Locker.

 

Old Man Squidward: Wait…...what? Why?

 

Old Man Patrick: Because you stopped the wacky! You saved the universe!

 

Old Man Squidward: What? How?

 

Old Man Patrick: By dying, of course! You depressed the two most wackiest citizens of Bikini Bottom, SpongeBob and Patrick! And without their wackiness around, everything else stopped being wacky! Everything is calm and relaxing once more!

 

Old Man Squidward: Wow, I really saved the universe….

 

Old Man Patrick: Yep! The wackiness is vanquished! And I could tell you realized what you did was wrong in the end. 

 

Old Man Squidward: Wait, so does this mean Spongebob and Patrick are doomed to be depressed forever?

 

Old Man Patrick: Oh, don’t worry about that. They’ll get over your death eventually and they’ll be back to their happy pure selves. They just won’t be wacky anymore!

 

Old Man Squidward: Oh, that’s good. I never liked them, but no one deserves to suffer forever for my own lack of faith in the true god of the universe.

 

Old Man Patrick: Correct! And as a reward for stopping the wackiness and realizing you were wrong, I have decided to make you a new god!

 

Old Man Squidward: Really?

 

Old Man Patrick: Yep! You’ve shown that you would make a great god! Together, you and me can destroy any more wackiness than comes into existence, and stop any other issues that happen! You are now the god Old Man Squidward!

 

Old Man Squidward: Oh wow, that’s amazing! Thank you so much, Old Man Patrick!

 

Old Man Patrick: You are welcome, Old Man Squidward. And while we’re not doing god things, we can just relax in peace forever. You will never have to be depressed or annoyed, or have to work ever again!

 

The end.

  • God Himself 1
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Cast:

Old Man Patrick: God himself

Squidward: @President Squidward

Old Man Squidward: Also @President Squidwardbut as an old man

Narrator: WinterArcanine

Spongebob: Danny Devito

Patrick: Masahiro Sakurai

Marco: Jesus Christ himself

Ice Cream King: Tom Hanks

Mr Krabs: Whoever voices him in Battle For Bikini Bottom

Incidental 4364: Owen Wilson

Kid 1: OBABY, as he is a sussy baka

Kid 2: also OBABY, as he is a sussy baka

Mayor: Donald Trump

Mario: Chris Pratt

Doctor: Dr. Phil

Mama Squidward: Taylor Swift in a Cat Fursuit

Kid that turns into a monster: Kev (Also known as Osama Bin Laden)

Priest: Chris Savino

 

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