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Something stupid that I thought I’d do for fun to commemorate one of my more obscure, trash spin-offs from ten years ago, BadBob CoolPants. If you have no idea what the hell that is, then Neptune bless your virgin eyes! Although something different this time around, this commemorative series will instead be done in the classic Skodwarde format. Because flashbacks of the original series’ dialogue ? 

 

Plot: Immediately following the events of “The Bully”, SpongeBob reluctantly finds himself sitting pretty at the top of the boating school food chain. And with this new reputation comes opportunities to make new friends, as well as enemies. Follow him on a journey of adult angst, love, violence, and ultimately, self purpose. Will there be vampires, werewolves and witches? Ya never know. But the only thing I do know for sure is that we’ve got a badass over here.

 

 

Episode 1: Badass vs Fatass

Picking up right from where the show leaves off in the season three episode, “The Bully”, fueled by repressed resentment and contempt for her all-time worst student, as well as losing out on a big, ol’ pot of money in the faculty lounge for going all in on Flats, Mrs. Puff declares her fierce intent to kick SpongeBob’s butt in front of the entire class. However, the results aren’t that different from Flats’ as she is forced to spend the rest of the school day wailing away at SpongeBob’s pores, all completely for naught.

This also carries on well beyond school hours, being forced to go with SpongeBob to work and even staying over at his house across multiple nights, all in her futile attempt at retribution. The fight eventually concludes that very next school week, when the stress and overexertion causes her increasingly inflated body to explode upon her fist’s final impact with SpongeBob’s, who honestly forgot she was still there up ‘til this point.

The class cheers SpongeBob on for his nonchalance as he officially goes 2-0 after doing what no else has done; beat up the teacher. Mrs. Puff is taken into intensive care, where she gets arrested upon arrival for battery, and since it’s already been established over at that precinct that SpongeBob is her responsibility, she therefore takes the rap for his assault on Flats as well.

SpongeBob is sent home early that day, a god of boating school. Word of his feats makes its rounds all throughout the social hierarchy. SpongeBob’s boating school life will never be the same again. At least until he finally graduates. But that’ll never happen.

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2) Prelude to Badass: The Cooling Factor

Having just been sent home early from boating school, SpongeBob seeks to confide his newly badass status in the only person he knows who could possibly relate to his situation; Sandy Cheeks (despite attempts being made by Mr. Krabs to mentor the lad in the badass ways he learned only in the Navy). Having previously bested the the likes of Larry the Lobster and Don the Whale (a goddamn killer whale, top ranked apex predator of the sea, mind you) in both weight lifting and anchor tossing, she definitely seems to be the most qualified. 

Sandy tells him that in her definition, being “badass” is playing to one’s own strengths. For example, her well conditioned mind and body are her strengths, both of which SpongeBob lacks in spades. Eventually, Sandy just couldn’t help but ask how a complete, utter weak ass like SpongeBob could possibly best a pair of varmints like Flats and Mrs. Puff in back-to-back fights, to which SpongeBob responds by “just standing there doing nothing.”

This piques Sandy’s interest very much, even going to her scientifically certified textbooks to try and make heads or tails of it. She’s astonished by her findings, claiming that SpongeBob has achieved a level of badassery that 9 out of 10 scientists claim to be unattainable. “The state of doing absolutely nothing, but still coming off badass while doing it”. Not even she can do that. The amount of effort she puts into the badass things she does like skydiving or finding hay in needle stacks, it ultimately takes away from her maximum badass output. She lacks the chill, that cooling factor that really adds a whole new level of badass onto already badass feats. Does she really try too hard? 

On the verge of a breakthrough or a breakdown, she eagerly asks SpongeBob if she can dissect him for science. SpongeBob reluctantly goes along with it, and it is only then that Sandy witnesses just how badass he is for herself. Sliced open, organs exposed to the simulated elements of the treedome, and just nothing. No tears, no pain, just chilling on the operating table, taking the pain like it’s nothing like a fucking boss.

Sandy feels intimidated to patch SpongeBob back up, so she obliges to the unseen force telling her to do so. She believes that they have found where SpongeBob’s strength lies; in just being there doing nothing.

Being the overly active overachiever that she is, Sandy admits that she can’t help SpongeBob tap into the ways of nothingness. However, they both happen to know somebody who can, if he has the time, which they both know he’s got plenty to waste.

SpongeBob races off towards Patrick’s rock as Sandy reports her latest findings to her superiors on the surface. She told them that that cool factor existed somewhere, she just didn’t think it would be in a backwards, back water town like Bikini Bottom.

Meanwhile in the distance, a thin figure scopes out the tree dome and slowly turns its body to follow SpongeBob, revealing the flattened side belly of Flats the Flounder. It would seem he’ll have to pay another visit to an old community college buddy.

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3) Prelude to Badass: Violent by Design

We are taken back to the moment where Flats gets his comeuppance in “The Bully”. With one last weak, pathetic swing, the world starts spinning as Flats topples to the floor in utter defeat. He struggles to keep his eyes open, gasping for any amount of oxygen he could filter into his body, exposing his tongue as he does so. SpongeBob’s post-fight speech to their class only comes off as muffled garbling to him, but one word did manage to make its way into his ear canals before succumbing to unconsciousness; “violence”.

When he comes to, once again wrapped up in a hospital bed, his doctor reprimands him for recklessly checking himself out of their care too soon following his near fatal garbage truck accident. This makes Flats rationalize that this must’ve been why he lost to SpongeBob, he was still banged up from his garbage truck slipping on a banana peel. That win was nothing but a fluke!

Later that evening, he overhears a couple of night nurses gossiping about how he got his butt kicked by a sponge, of all things in Neptune’s deep blue sea. He yells out that the fight was just a fluke, but the nurses just leave, hoping that that thought will help the flounder sleep that night.

The next morning, Flats consults the doctor about releasing him from the hospital later that same day. The doctor, however, refuses him this time. Flats may have intimidated him with the threat of kicking his butt once before, but following that serious butt kicking at SpongeBob’s hand, what reason does the doc have to ever be afraid of Flats again? The medical professional advises that it’s best for Flats that he stays in their care for as long as he’s butt hurt. Which by his prognosis, could very well be around the clock care.

Flats is later visited by his father, who tells his son that this is karma finally coming to collect on all those years of unprovoked butt kickings that he’d so carelessly dish out on any and everyone. He even reminds Flats that his mother abandoned them years ago after seeing a brief glimpse of the monster that her son would later turn out to be. Flats’ father then rejoices in the fact that finally, after all these years, someone badass enough came along and humbled his psychotic ass.

Flats’ father feels he has every right to leave his son to his fate here in this hospital, however, he sees this as an opportunity to finally mend long-broken fences and reunite their family. But that’s only possible if Flats is willing to let go of his pride and finally grow up. Flats has already had two near death experiences in one week, surely they both must be telling signs.

Flats looks back on his childhood, thinking back to the good times when his mother was still around and they’d be watching preschool tv together from morning until the afternoon. He then remembers how her’s would be the first ever butt he ever kicked, and how that happened on the day when those daily rituals came to an abrupt end his first day of kindergarten began. He just couldn’t take “you have to go to school” for an answer, and then everything went red suddenly.

With tears forming in his eyes, it appears that Flats has finally experienced a moment of clarity, probably his genuine one since SpongeBob’s bucket of wood shavings quote. He has forgotten all about the pain and mental anguish that his loss to SpongeBob wrought upon him. He seems willing and able to finally, truly start the healing process.

A couple days pass, and Flats’ condition has improved tremendously. The doctor is even amazed at how miraculously fast Flats’ hurt butt has healed. It would appear that Flats won’t be needing around the clock care after all.

Flats’ father eventually works up the courage to bring the continuation of Flats’ boating school education back up to his son. He gives Flats the choice of returning to Mrs. Puff’s or he can transfer over to his aunt’s, Mrs. Flounder’s, school instead. The decision is Flats’ to make. Flats says he’ll have to sleep on that, but promises to make a decision by the next morning.

Later on, while doing just that, he awakens to overhear his doctor and night nurse discussing his situation as they begin wrapping up their shifts. The doctor claims that, in his medical opinion, it’d be a pretty bitch made move if Flats were to decide to run away from Mrs. Puff’s Boating School. He then poses that it’d also be pretty bitch made if Flats were to return and seek no retribution from SpongeBob. He and the night nurse both agree is Flats is gonna be looking pretty bitch made no matter what he chooses once he makes it back to the outside world, so they decide to jot that into his file. They even make fun of the fact that he still hasn’t realized that night nurses are meant strictly for babies. Flats feels as if he’s losing the control he once had, the power and presence that he once commanded. He finally snaps about as hard as he snaps his IV.

The next morning, Flats’ father arrives back at the hospital to pick up his son, but the entire medical facility feels completely dead. Someone comes crawling through the sliding doors, clinging on for dear life. Flats’ father leaves his boat mobile and tends to the stranger, dreading what might’ve very well happened and knowing full well the risks of even talking to this man. The stranger claims that he was only here for a head enhancement procedure when his butt started to hurt suddenly. The kicking was so bad that he can’t even walk anymore. The stranger thought that nobody would notice, lamenting his failed procedure. With the only place capable of helping him in seeming disarray, the stranger passes out in Flats’ dad’s arms.

Flats’ dad enters the hospital, traversing its halls laden with the beaten bodies of countless victims. He could hear faint crying coming perhaps a few corridors down. Flats’ dad enters the maternity ward to find his son kicking the butts of newborn babies. He pleads desperately with his son to stop the violence. He implored Flats to let go of his pride before he ends up in a worse situation than what he just got out of. Beating up babies isn’t what makes a badass, goddammit!

Flats hears the word “violence” leave his father’s lips, and all he could do is think back to SpongeBob’s victory speech. The memory starts getting clearer, and so does SpongeBob’s exact words.

”Do not cheer me, my fellow adult classmates. Flats was the real victim here. A victim of a society that is riding down a violent road to nowhere. A road I call...violence road.”

The thought of somebody using non-violence to get the better of him sickens the flounder to his flattened core. Flats declares that he is nobody’s victim. He has, and always will be, violent by design. Flats then reminds his dad about what he told him about trying to run his life. Flats’ dad’s screams echo through the halls of the hospital as his butt is proceeded to be kicked.

Flats leaves the hospital and returns to Mrs. Puff’s Boating School in time to see Puff being stretchered out and SpongeBob being escorted from the premises. He follows his rival every step of the way, all the way to the treedome, where he holes up in the distance to avoid being seen beyond the glass.

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4) Prelude to Badass: Defend Your Title

SpongeBob arrives to Patrick’s rock, trying to knock on it all cool-like, but he’s trying harder than necessary. Patrick finally answers the door a few minutes later, apologizing for his tardiness since he was busy doing nothing around the house. SpongeBob relays all of the recent happenings to his best friend, who is having difficulty processing it all. However, Patrick is amazed by the fact that SpongeBob kicked Flats’ butt like it was nothing, knowing full well of what the flounder is capable of from their years in community college together.

Hearing all that he needed to hear, Patrick agrees to take SpongeBob under his wing. The first lesson he wants to cover is hand movement, which there shouldn’t be any hand movement. Therefore, he wants SpongeBob to just tuck them into his pockets. SpongeBob does just that and asks, “like this?” Patrick says that SpongeBob is looking cooler already!

Their next lesson is interrupted by a knock on the rock. The rock opens up, revealing Flats the Flounder with a pizza box from Pizza Castle in hand. Even Patrick can sense the awkwardness looming in the air, but greets his old buddy Flats all the same. He warmly welcomes Flats back into his humble commode, even showing off their “College Buddies Forever” rings, which catches SpongeBob off guard and makes him lose some of his cool.

Flats gets Patrick comfortable enough to break the ice by asking why SpongeBob’s here. Patrick just blurts out SpongeBob’s intent to cultivate the new badass reputation he earned for kicking Flats’ butt by learning the ways of doing nothing from him. Flats remembers vividly how Patrick proudly showed off his “For Doing Nothing Longer More Than Anyone Else” award to him during his last visit a few days ago, and how Patrick said it’s the ONE thing he’s got the edge over SpongeBob on. Flats accuses SpongeBob of trying to add yet another another trophy to his collecting by taking Patrick’s.

Flats succeeds in riling Patrick up as SpongeBob pleas with his best friend that that’s not his intention. With the seeds of violence sown into the pink sea star, Patrick finally threatens to kick SpongeBob’s butt for trying to muscle in on his rightful territory. Patrick grabs his coveted award trophy and is willing to go as far as putting it on the line. SpongeBob refuses to fight his best friend. Flats chimes in once again, telling Patrick that badasses don’t feel the need to even have friends.

Patrick charges, teary eyed and all, hurt beyond belief by SpongeBob’s seeming betrayal. SpongeBob uses his karate background to dodge Patrick’s hits easily while Flats takes a front row seat on Patrick’s signature recliner, helping himself to the pizza. Patrick continues goading his best friend into engaging him, calling him “nothing but yellow!” Thinking back to his last two fights, SpongeBob knows what he must do, but he doesn’t want to inadvertently “beat up” Patrick in doing so. However, given the current situation, he has no choice.

Using what Patrick taught him, instead “putting em up” SpongeBob “tucks em in” his pockets. This infuriates Patrick even more, seeing it as sacrilege to his methods. And with one mighty swing, Patrick is able to let loose on SpongeBob’s face. But, nothing. Patrick puts more effort into it next time, and still. However, the extra effort proves to be his undoing as Patrick already passes out from complete exhaustion.

SpongeBob hears knuckles cracking behind him.

Flats: Now, where were we?

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5) Prelude to Badass: Duology

The big rematch is finally upon us; Badass vs Flatass. 20 years and 5 spun-off episodes in the making. One embraces the violence, the other desperately tries to avoid it. Who will leave this clash of ideologies with their pride still intact?

SpongeBob looks down at his fallen best friend, Patrick, who looks as if he just passed a kidney stone. His eyes start to well up but he immediately sucks the coming tears back up into his porouses. The emotion appears to leave his body as he turns to face his bully. If life really were like a bucket of wood shavings, then Flats just kicked that bucket over. Unless those wood shavings were in a pail. In that case, Flats just went and kicked that pail over.

SpongeBob squares up, much to Flats’ amusement. Flats wonders aloud if SpongeBob will finally put some back into it. SpongeBob wonders the very same about Flats. Flats gets heated upon hearing that, sending him into a blinding rage. His fists connect with SpongeBob’s body, which is also his face, continuously. SpongeBob sends a kick flying at Flats’ face, but the flounder is able to catch hold of that skinny toothpick and uses SpongeBob’s momentum to send the sponge flying back-first into his own front door. SpongeBob slumps down against his door and before he can even see it coming, Flats’ throws a right hand powerful enough to break the door off its hinges, with SpongeBob eating the full force of the blow.

The door crashes to the ground outside with SpongeBob laid out on top of it. SpongeBob then quickly kips up off of it, landing back on his feet as if nothing even happened. SpongeBob claims he put more back into his kick than Flats did with his punches, and he’s only an invertebrate! Flats flies into another rage and really lets SpongeBob have it. SpongeBob takes everything that Flats has got and doesn’t register any of it. This only sends Flats further off the deep end as he digs deeper and deeper inside himself to muster the strength necessary to leave lasting damage.

SpongeBob knows full well that this will be another war of attrition, but not wanting to have to deal with Flats in his daily life for the next day or so like last time, he decides to skip right to the end. SpongeBob. Like a pied piper, SpongeBob resolves to literally lead Flats down violence road and right back to Boating School. SpongeBob walks right up to the school’s doorstep with Flats right behind him, furiously trying to end this thing before it gets there.

SpongeBob walks to the front of the class, interrupting the substitute’s lesson about the order of vehicle operations, or PRNDL. The class suddenly comes to life, bearing witness to the third school fight in just one week. Flats starts to gas out, struggling to come to grips that he just can’t kick SpongeBob’s butt no matter how hard he tries. He breaks Puff’s desk in frustration as the class starts to laugh at the futility of his efforts.

Steaming and sweating profusely, Flats threatens to kick the butts of the entire class. The class, consisting of teens, adults and elderly, all take a step back as Flats stomps his way toward them, winding up his fist to clock one unlucky classmate. SpongeBob attempts to put himself between the bully and the class, but Flats faceplants onto the floor from before he can intercept.

SpongeBob’s plan to wear Flats out again has proven successful, but the class interprets this as all of them having just kicked Flats’ butt themselves. They pat each other on the back before the Hall Monitors are brought in, out of their jurisdiction, to restore order to the classroom. The class, riding off the high of having just “kicked” the bully’s butt, rebel against the Hall Monitors. Meanwhile, SpongeBob is taken aback by the violence he helped sow into his fellow classmates. He remembers what Sandy told him before about the Cooling Factor and slowly cools himself down in order to regain his composure in the face of all this chaos.

The entire school is ultimately shut down for the remainder of the semester in order to give Mrs. Puff more time to recover, deal with all her legal proceedings and hopefully regain control of her student body. Word of the class’ feat spreads like wildfire through the community bulletin board. The entire class, SpongeBob still included, is seen as badasses in each of their own right. However, it soon dawns on all of them that there can only be one badass to rule them all.

Sensing the trouble that’s brewing, SpongeBob decides that he must be the one to return order to his school. And in order to do that, he must undisputedly take the title of Boating School Badass as his own!

 


 

Boating School Badass will return in May 2022 with its next major story arc, “Badclass”! Be there, or be SQUARE!! Truancy would be the cooler option though.

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