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One-Time Star Wars Characters: Where Are They Now?


Jjs Goodman
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EPISODE XXXIII: DROID... WARS? DROIDS 4

One, two, one, two, I declare a droid war. Well, five of them, anyway. Here they are!

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R2-Q2, Imperial droid navigator (that's the beautiful gray one on the left, there)

R2-Q2 held an important job—stored within it were countless gigabytes of interstellar maps. It was a much better gig than what that R2-Q5 guy got—fellow astromechs only discussed HIS work in whispers, protected by secure encryption. On a fateful day, R2-Q2 helped its comrades scour a Rebel ship called the Tantive IV, when its sensors picked up two droids in a nearby escape pod barreling toward nearby Tatooine. Could they have the sensitive info it was looking for? Deciding to break from its programming for the good of the Empire, the plucky droid escaped to the desert planet. As it entered the scorching sands, mumbles of “Utinni!” caught it off-guard, and it was zapped. The Empire was unable to find R2-Q2, and never did again.

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R2-KT, Rebel hero (and her astromech beau)

Although her name was little known to the average spacer, R2-KT was one of the galaxy’s most valiant heroes. Having served the Republic since the early days of the Clone Wars, she had continued to repair ships and relay data as part of the Rebel Alliance, and later the Resistance. But after the First Order’s fall, the little droid decided fifty-six years of nonstop service was long enough, and settled down with one of the many connections she’d made during her travels: R2-D2, the little droid that could, happy to finally be free of that annoying golden protocol. We hear the two are on some far out tropical planet in the Mid Rim, enjoying a nice oil bath together.

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U-3PO, Rebel... hero?

U-3PO was a loyal protocol droid serving on the Tantive IV, so it seemed. But its true intentions were very clear to anyone in the know: it was a double agent—hacked by the Empire to constantly broadcast the location of the Tantive IV straight to them. All U-3PO could do was feign helplessness as Stormtroopers invaded, taking hostage the many different Rebels it had once served under. But unfortunately for the spy droid, it was no longer of any use after the ship was seized—Imperial roboticists had already started making probe droids, which did the job faster and much better than any protocol ever could. Poor U-3PO lived out the rest of its days in a Jawa scrap heap, after being dumped on Tatooine the first chance the Empire got.

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R-3PO

Despite U-3PO’s treachery, the Rebel Alliance wasn’t done with protocols. R-3PO, bought from a shady smuggler, was put in charge of general droid operations in Echo Base, the super special secret place on Hoth. But his title was not to last—the Empire soon discovered the base and razed it, leaving R-3PO stuck on the snowy planet, abandoned by his masters and left with only one arm. He was forced to wander Hoth until discovering the solitary cave of a one-armed wampa, alone and depressed. Good thing protocol droids are fluent in over six million forms of communication—the two became fast friends. They now spend their days foraging for food and making idle small talk, bonding over their shared amputee status.

As for his missing arm, it was stolen by fellow protocol C-3PO, who just kind of... took it for himself. You can sometimes see him walking around wearing the thing. Did you recognize him with the red arm?

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Essie, Galen Erso's loyal farm droid

The destruction of the Ersos’ farm nearly took Essie as well. His mangled chassis was tossed aside in favor of his human masters, the real targets of the raid. As Krennic’s forces took off from Lah’mu, with Galen Erso in tow, Essie regained control. He gave his master, Lyra, a proper burial, and continued doing the only other thing his programming allowed him to: farm. Having no need for the now destroyed farmhouse, Essie spent the rest of his days reaping and sowing like he’d always done. He made some serious profit from selling his crops, but never used it, as he had no need for money.

OK, enough talk about metal and gears. Tomorrow's episode should get you in the mood for something more tasty.

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EPISODE XXXIV: CHEFS

Mama mia! Let's see where their culinary skills took these cooks in life.

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Fuy Gieri, aka Unnamed Chef from Rebels

Originally an undercover chef for the Rebellion, Fuy Gieri would serve up his allies some of the best meals ever made, but he knew deep down more awaited him in life. After Lothal’s liberation, Fuy came out of hiding and finally pursued his dream of becoming a galaxy-renowned restaurateur and television host. He even did a collaboration with famed chefs Strono Tuggs and Porcellus. Welcome to Flavortown. 

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Porcellus

Porcellus was the head chef of Jabba’s Palace, but unfortunately history and his peers refused to acknowledge his existence. He was quite frankly surprised he hadn’t been fed to the rancor when he feared he soiled a few meals, which served to be a lingering fear with him over his tenure. After Jabba’s death, Porcellus managed to escape with the beastmaster Malakili and together they opened their own restaurant in Mos Eisley known as Crystal Moon Restaurant. The restaurant became a hit and brought much needed joy to the Tatooine residents. Over the years, the restaurant received thumbs up from cooking personas such as Chettkap, Fuy Gieri and Strono Tuggs. Porcellus finally felt accomplished in life, becoming the independent head chef he dreamed of instead of serving a tyrannical slug gangster. 

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Borkus

Power Sliders started to go downhill after Gregor left him (although it’s debatable if it really “started” since nobody wants to visit Abafar in the first place), upsetting Borkus greatly. He was a dick to Gregor, but deep down he appreciated his work, and now he lost basically the only person in Pons Ora who wanted to work for him or remotely tolerated him. Powers Sliders couldn’t get any help and eventually had to shut down, much to Borkus’s dismay. All hope seemed lost for Borkus, until he one day applied for a job at the famous new restaurant at Mos Eisley, Crystal Moon. Now Borkus worked for others, but Porcellus was a much more compassionate boss than he was to Gregor. It changed Borkus a lot and made him learn a valuable lesson about kindness to employees. He never saw Gregor again but he wished he could apologize for how he treated him, wherever he may be now.

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Loubo

Loubo was just a humble short-order cook at Plop Dribble’s, a Coruscanti greasy spoon. But he was turning his ambitions to much more luxurious horizons. His encounter with two Jedi battling a Sith serving as inspiration, Loubo left his old job to open up May the Fork be with You, a Jedi-themed restaurant attracting curious customers from all over the planet. It was a big hit, but didn’t last for long—after the Jedi Purge, the Empire closed the place for “health code violations” and took Loubo away, where he was never seen again.

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Lauli Wahlo

Lauli continued his ties with the illicitly gained lightsaber trade, which became an incredibly rare and valuable commodity after the Purge. But one name lingered in his mind throughout: General Grievous, the greatest lightsaber trader ever. According to legend, he would travel the world befriending Jedi and bartering with them for their precious lightsabers—or so he was told, at least. Wanting to explore for himself, Lauli traveled to the planet Utapau, where he found an abandoned starfighter filled to the brim with the exotic weapons. Taking them back to Coruscant with him, Lauli entered the lightsaber trade himself. His noodle shop boomed thanks to the added revenue until a gang of thugs cornered him, apparently wanting to know where his stock came from. Unwilling to submit to these thugs, Lauli grabbed two of the weapons and fought them off in a match to the death. Lauli would fall, but he ensured there were no witnesses.

*chef's kiss* Did those meals satisfy your taste? No? Well too bad, no refunds! Tomorrow we'll examine what happened to the galaxy's brightest minds in law.

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EPISODE XXXV: THE LAW

Not even the most foolhardy of one-timers can escape the wrath of the law. These five professionals have learned to navigate the system and supply some interesting tales throughout their careers.

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Lufa Danak, the Trade Federation's top attorney

As a representative of the Trade Federation, Lufa had vast knowledge of galactic law. Lufa grew so knowledgeable, and craving more power, that he evolved into one of the Trade Federation’s professional lawyers to defend them from various lawsuits, because they sure needed the help. Lufa became so good at the job that this made many of the Trade Federation’s enemies in the political field jealous, seeing that he needed to be taken out. One night, Lufa was found dead in his apartment with two gunshots to the back of the head. The Trade Federation speculates that politician Cillary Hlinton was responsible for this, who has constantly denied involvement.

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Big Sturg Ganna, Canto Bight's top lawyer

Rian Johnson may have cruelly left him out of The Last Jedi’s final cut, but Sturg still has a story worth telling. Sturg gained quite a reputation as a famous criminal lawyer on Canto Bight, coming with his own catchy motto: Better Call Sturg! He would later represent a notorious spice kingpin which ended up destroying his legal practice. In a surprisingly realistic outcome though, he suffered no repercussions and was pardoned, being allowed to pursue a political career as Canto Bight’s councilor for 20 years. After his term ended, using his political gain, Sturg became one of the most notorious gangsters of the modern Cantonnica. He rose up as one of the galaxy’s newest, ruthless crime lords in the New New Republic era. Now, Sturg is the one who knocks.

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Terbo Guanavak, Justice of the InterGalactic Banking Court

Appointed to the Court by a razor-thin margin, the galaxy saw Terbo Guanavak with cautious suspicion. Nevertheless, the Empire’s rise saw him thrust from his lowly judicial position to governor of his own home planet: Scipio. Letting his newfound power go to his head, and feeling resentful of his fellow Muun, Guanavak ran Scipio into the ground. He conscripted his species into menial desk jobs to take advantage of their innate mathematical ability.

Unwilling to let this tyrant waste any more of their lives, the Muun began a complex underground rebel operation, working against the Empire through a bunch of intentionally shoddy accounting jobs. By the time the Death Star exploded, it had apparently cost the Empire ten times more than it should have. The Emperor promptly blamed Terbo for this mess, and had him thrown into the Royal Rancor Pit for his crimes. The Empire remained none the wiser about the sabotage, and never quite found out.

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Dar Champion

Dar became unsatisfied with his position as District Advocate and abandoned the law path. He instead found interest in the art of making motivational videos, renaming himself to Dhar Champ. They racked up billions of views on GalaxyTube and made him wealthier than his law career ever did. Remember: we’re not just telling stories, we’re changing lives.

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Cillary Hlinton

[REDACTED]

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[ANY DISTRIBUTION OR PUBLICATION OF THIS TEXT IS PUNISHABLE BY DEATH]

Well, you know what Shakespeare said about lawyers. Tomorrow we'll be returning to the world of podracing, to examine those racers who just couldn't make it.

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EPISODE XXXVI: PODRACER WARS

Now we examine what happened to more famous podracers who didn't get a chance to shine in the first lap. Let's see if their careers crashed and burned, or flew to great heights. Now this is podracing! 2.0

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Teemto Pagalies

After surviving his near fatal crash in the Boonta Eve Classic, Teemto gained a reputation of being a podracing daredevil. He continued to perform several near impossible stunts throughout the years and survived every time. However, the injuries began to take a toll on his health so he decided to eventually take a break for a while. Sometime in the Empire’s reign, a mysterious blue skinned Grand Admiral approached him and sought his talents. He offered him a position at the Chiss Ascendancy much like he did to Growly. Teemto took the opportunity to revive his career and was never seen in the main galaxy again.

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Dud Bolt

Dud quit podracing after a few years and returned to his home planet of Vulpter, where he became the foreman for Arakyd Industries, a struggling droid factory. Life chugged on until the Republic fell, and Imperial forces conquered the planet. Dud was asked to contribute to the war efforts, a request he had no clue how to fulfill. Having only the remains of his old podracing pit droids, he hammered away at them until they became a strange bot that only flew around, eerily staring at anyone passing by. Realizing its advantages, the Empire bought his design and turned it into the probe droid, a machine that led to major victories on Hoth and elsewhere. Dud Bolt became the richest man on Vulpter until the Empire fell, and the New Republic planted probe droids outside his house to keep him under house arrest. It’s become very hard for him to sleep now, apparently.

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Ark Roose, aka Bumpy

The small brain of Bumpy’s species led him to believe podracing was a game of bumper cars, causing him to crash into any vehicle he saw. It was a practice that failed to get him anywhere in the sport, and soon his career ended. Taking pity on him, Dud Bolt offered him a job at Arakyd Industries, his factory. Despite his brainlessness, Bumpy served the company for many loyal years crafting probe droids, up until the factory’s shutdown by the New Republic. Bumpy lost his job and his boss was indicted for war crimes, a fact neither could accept. As probe droids surrounded Dud’s home, keeping him under house arrest, Bumpy strapped himself in a podracer one last time, ready to do what he did best. He smashed into each and every probe droid, sending them flying, to save his boss. The two flew off into Vulpter’s wilderness, and they remain at large.

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Boles Roor

Boles was humiliated by his performance in the Boonta Eve Classic. His winning streak had been forever tainted, so he went into exile, ashamed. Nobody truly knows what became of him, but Cillary Hlinton, another infamous loser, claims she once spotted him in the same forest she went to retreat to.

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Clegg Holdfast

Clegg eventually grew bored of podracing and discovered he much preferred writing dirt about his fellow pilots, so he instead decided to focus on his journalist career for Podracer Quarterly. The outlet became controversial for many of Clegg’s contributions and libel of other racers. The editors would often question Clegg on his sources, but he assured they were valid. Podracing Quarterly would later be declared as a “fake news source” by the Empire and banned. Clegg refused to be silenced however and would continue doing his independent journalism regardless of what others said. One day, his snooping ended up going too far, when for once, he surprisingly actually had reliable intel that an Imperial governor was taking bribes to rig several matches. Alas, when Clegg tried to nobly spread the word, he was captured and executed. Podracer Quarterly soon became an artifact to the galaxy and podracing continued on without it.

Ouch. Not exactly a career for happy landings. Tomorrow we'll take a look at what became of a truly overlooked group: farmers. Yeehaw.

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EPISODE XXXVII: FARMERS

City slickers will have to stray away from this episode. This will focus on the humblest people in the galaxy: the farmer, making his living through the seed and sickle. Well, metaphorically.

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Cut Lawquane

CT-0216 "Cut" was once a proud soldier in the Army of the Republic, but had deserted his post after the Clone Wars’ end. Now in seclusion with his family on the planet Lah'mu, he expected to live a quiet life free from Rebel and Imperial meddling. Yet he was not without trouble.

In the year 0 BBY, Cut learned his farm was being bought out by an enterprising farm droid named Essie. Having turned his masters' former farm into his own, Essie had gone on to transform it into a sprawling corporation buying out almost every parcel of land on Lah'mu, with Cut's farm soon to be next. 

Cut decided to confront this tyrant directly, only to be surprised that he was a droid. Unfortunately for Essie, Cut's long-dormant yet genetic hatred of droids awakened that instant, and the "clanker" was destroyed on the spot.

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Suu Lawquane

As Cut's wife, Suu Lawquane was equally angered at the threat the Essie Corporation posed. But she didn't think it'd have to come to violence. As Lah'mu held no regulations against droid murder, Suu's husband couldn't be punished, and Essie's land was left up for grabs.

The remaining settlers pounced on the acres and started to divvy them up, before realizing they could benefit a lot better if they all worked together. The Lah'mu Commune has been operating ever since, as long as any Rebel scum or Imperial dogs stay away.

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Dilanni

Dilanni felt like a true hero after helping save the Felucian farm from pirates. He felt like such a hero he helped defend other farms from pirates and scavengers over the years. Eventually he decided to open his own farm, taking in several quirky and funny space animals. It’s rumored they have all sorts of wacky adventures when Dilanni isn’t around. He’s just heading to the fields, Duke, he’ll be back. CLEAR!

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Cliegg Lars

Following young Anakin’s rather brutal slaughter of the Tusken Raiders, Cliegg sensed a dark disturbance within the boy. Part of him also wondered if lightsabers were to blame, after all, should someone that young have access to such a dangerous weapon? Before he could get an answer to that question though, he unceremoniously died of a sudden heart attack sometime later. And thus would set in motion the inevitable tragic end of the Lars dynasty. 

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Eyvind this is seriously the best picture I could find of him, and yes he is canon

Eyvind was a keystone of Tatooine's moisture farming community, often sharing a drink at the Mos Eisley Cantina with some alien buds. But he was soon to become something even bigger—the cantina's regular act, Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes, had skimped out on them, and the place was in desperate need of some new entertainment. Wanting to save his special place, Eyvind decided to start a comedy act with his faithful Bocce-speaking droid, 68-4TZ. They were a big hit with crowds, but the droidphobic bartender Wuher saw that they were kicked out and banned right away.

Humiliated, Eyvind and his droid decided to try and sway the next best audience they could think of—the local Sand People tribes. Unfortunately, Tuskens don't take kindly to humor, and they were both slaughtered.

Tomorrow, this series returns to the stories of the Rebels and Resistance. I mean, come on, they fought for the whole galaxy after all!

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EPISODE XXXVIII: REBELS & RESISTANCE WARS

These heroic groups have saved the galaxy from tyranny twice, so it's only fitting we give them another chance in the spotlight. Let's see what became of these rebels' lives.

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Twylope Nur

Nur decided to pursue his career of becoming a full fledged doctor after the Battle of Exegol. He felt that after providing medical aid to the Resistance, he was finally ready to go a step higher. And a step higher, went he did. He graduated med school and became a certified doctor. He went on to became one of the galaxy's most helpful and brightest minds. He also worked alongside the esteemed Mandalorian doctor, Dr. Zaz.

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Dellso Prin

Following the Battle of Exegol, Dellso resumed his starship business, Prinsche, and became one of the most popular starship businesses in the new galaxy. His business would enter a friendly rivalry with the other big starship company, Alset. Full spectrum, full energy.

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Huper Tenrecs

After the Battle of Exegol, Huper needed somewhere to put his repair skills to good use. He tried to open his own weapons repair shop, but in this time of peace, nobody really needed their weapons fixed. He even received some accusations of xenophobia due to his inability to tell humans apart other than their weapons. The business was a complete flop. Huper decided perhaps he needed to pursue a different business venture, along with improving his knowledge on human culture. After a spiritual journey, he realized he had potential to fix more than just weapons. He later founded a successful construction company known as Hupechtel. He employed lots of humans and got along with them well. His story was the basis for a Dhar Champ video.

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Wes Janson

Wes continued fighting with the Rebellion til the end at the Battle of Jakku. Despite how obscure he was to most of his peers, he was still a successful pilot and saved quite a few tails. After the Battle of Jakku, he retired from combat and watched as the New Republic grew. Wes still wasn’t that well known to much of galactic history but he didn’t really care, content he helped defeat the Empire. One day though, a film director would learn about Wes’s exploits, giving him inspiration for a movie series about starfighters. Wes was honored and approved of actor Com Truise’s portrayal.

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Cal Alder

Cal Alder fought with honor at the Battle of Hoth, but the Rebels’ crushing loss left him depressed and traumatized. He felt immense PTSD over the battle and found himself unable to return to combat. He found himself drinking his sorrows away at various cantinas, and even after the galaxy was liberated, found himself unable to move on. He later straightened up and got a job at Dex's New Dinner, becoming one of Dex's favorite employees of all time.

Tomorrow we'll take a look at some of the most feared warriors in the galaxy: Mandalorians.

 

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EPISODE XXXIX: MANDALORIANS

By now I'm sure you know the story of at least one Mandalorian. Here's five!

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Captain Hark, proud warrior in service to the Empire

Hark barely escaped it out of the exploding Star Destroyer just in time. After such a close experience and witnessing Saxon’s dishonor, Hark began to rethink his loyalties to the Empire. He ended up joining the Mandalorians against the Empire, but would be one of the many to perish in the Great Purge. Yet he died contently, knowing he went out as a real Mandalorian.

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Korkie Kryze

Korkie, who is definitely not Obi-Wan’s son we swear it’s true, please listen to us, exiled himself after Mandalore’s capture, choosing the planet Stewjon as his permanent hiding place. He eventually met Quinlan Vos, an ex-Jedi who was moving to Kamino to meet some fine alien dames. Excited at the prospect, Korkie followed him. After spending the night with a pair of spindly women at a rainy canteen, they discovered Kamino’s dark secret: they planned to build a new clone army, a revenge plan against the Empire for closing the original facilities. Impressed with Korkie’s Mandalorian heritage, they chose him for the first batch of new clones. To this day, spacers say they have seen men resembling him (and kind of like Obi-Wan, too) fighting for the Resistance.

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Siddiq, corrupt intergalactic trader

Siddiq lost his importer job after being indicted for his aid in the corruption scheme. Sid then fell on hard times and became an obnoxious alcoholic that nobody else on Mandalore liked. Eventually the Empire would take over Mandalorian and they forced Sid to work in a factory, whether he liked it or not. Part of him was happy he could actually work again, but part of him also wanted to return to his alcohol addiction, and thus, conflict arose in him. He ended up relapsing and showed up to work drunk. The Empire had enough of his insolence and then executed him on the spot. Nobody would know or care, and that’s the tragedy of his tale.

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Armatan, Mandalore councilman

Following Maul’s takeover of Mandalore, Armatan and the rest of the Ruling Council were made obsolete. Armatan knew he needed to flee, and flee he did. He managed to get in contact with an identity eraser who allowed him to start a new life as the manager of a bakery on Corellia. As time went by, Armatan grew bored of this life and missed Mandalore. Unfortunately, he could never return, and now he is stuck in this monotonous life.

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Zak Zaz

Dr. Zaz was a heavily respected doctor by many in the medical field, helping the galaxy through multiple deadly diseases in in recent history. His most recent task involved guiding Mandalore through a deadly outbreak of the Blue Shadow Virus, although soon became the center of many conspiracy theories due to his vaccine push. Ultimately his reputation was unharmed as the vaccine worked and the conspiracy nuts were largely ignored. Just be sure to bow to Master Zauzi and his new world order…

As you can see, the warriors live a lot more glamorous lives. The finale will focus on distant stories, far removed from any kind of canon, as if they were visions...

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EPISODE XL: VISIONS

We conclude the season with the fates of characters from Star Wars: Visions, the first ever Star Wars anime, aka a weeb's dream. Is the show canon? Probably not. But if we say that the LEGO stories can fit into our canon, then I think these can too. Maybe. You decide.

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F

F continued to be the mysterious, silent protector of Keelia over the years. One fateful day, an Inquisitor went there to investigate after hearing reports of the rumored Jedi and lured her out of hiding by trying to kill the villagers. The two entered a fierce duel. In the end, F was able to slay the Inquisitor, but at the cost of her own life to save the village. As long as they lived, she had succeeded in her quest. Press F to pay respects.

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T0-B1

T0-B1 continued fighting evil as the first ever droid Jedi. He’d then go on to be the lead star of the manga Droid Boy. Then it spawned several anime iterations, a movie, video games, merchandise and more. The fun will never end. Forever trapped in the pop culture cycle, T0-B1 became.

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Tsubaki

Consumed with a desire to save the one he loves most, Tsubaki joined forces with Sith Lord Masago after healing his wife. Tsubaki ended up learning the dark side of the force and killed Masago as Sith apprentices tend to do. Misa could not stand to see what Tsubaki had become, breaking her heart. She then died of sadness, and Tsubaki was filled with rage. He then offs himself with his own lightsaber. A true Shakespearean ending to this tragic tale.

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Geezer

After the Hutt’s fellow bandmates saved him from Jabba’s execution with their amazing performance, Geezer was forever indebted to them and continued to be the lead singer of Star Waver. The band’s most well known single would be “So It Ain’t Say” from The Blue Milk Album. Geezer’s mom is a heartbreaker.

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The Ronin

The mysterious former dark side Ronin continued to hunt any Sith and dark side users he could find. He was determined on his quest to rid the galaxy of the dark side, which he did for many decades all while keeping a low profile. That is until one day, he came across one of the most fearsome enemies he had ever encountered in the Unknown Regions: Darth Achk Med-Beq, the Secret Sith Lord! The two entered one of the fiercest, most epic duels in galactic history that would put many others to shame had the rest of history known. In the end, The Ronin slayed Achk Med-Beq, putting an end to his obscure evil before it could even take off. With that, Ronin felt his mission was completed and retired, deciding to live his remaining days in peace on Genbara.

And that's a wrap on the crazy ride that was Season 4. Felt your time was wasted? Oh well. See you this spring for the penultimate season!

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EPISODE XLI: FALLEN ORDER (and Squadrons!)

Thank you EA, for granting us the ideas for our season premiere. That's the only time any of us will be thanking EA, mind you.

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Sootun

Following his escape from the Haxion Brood’s prison, Sootun ended up joining Gwarm’s pirate crew, not having anywhere else to really go. He became the crew’s most trusted janitor, showing those swashbucklers how to truly sweep a deck. It pays well so he can’t complain.

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Choyyssyk

This proud Wookiee warrior was never quite the same after his encounter with Cal Kestis. His life suddenly felt rigid and regimented, as if he was following a script rather than his own thoughts and volition. Curious and intrepid, he began to investigate around his village, and noticed more odd things. Community members walked the same paths, growled the same growls, and never seemed to eat or sleep. Soon Choyyssyk concluded his life was a simulation, one of the most horrible realizations any simulated character can have. He has since been relocated to the “Kashyyyk Mental Asylum” map, which Respawn intends to introduce in Fallen Order’s sequel. He’d try to escape, if only his scripting allowed for it.

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Mari Kosan

Kosan would never forget the Jedi Cal Kestis who helped the Partisans on Kashyyyk. Kosan continued to serve the Partisans for a few years after, but eventually grew concerned by their increasing brutality and left the group. She joined another rebel cell and continued fighting the Empire, though part of her had wondered what became of Saw’s group since she left. Years later, she would learn about his tragic fall at Jedha, so she visited his grave to pay respects for her former mentor. Kosan later joined the New Republic military and lived life to the fullest.

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LT-514

Finding individuality was a tough challenge for LT-514, especially with that other guy Lobot hogging the spotlight. They had both gotten the same cybernetic headset implanted back during those golden years in the Imperial academy. What did LT have to show for it? Nothing. What did he have to show for it? Silver screen recognition and Landonis Calrissian for a master. Life just wasn’t fair. Enraged at this unfairness, LT flew to Bespin to challenge Lobot to a battle of wits, which to them entailed butting those headsets up against each other to see which one shorted out first. But it seems they were evenly matched. Miraculously, the headsets died at once, and both men collapsed to the ground immediately, dead. Not even in death could LT upstage his enemy.

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Gralm

Gralm was one of many Imperial officers struggling to make a good impression post-Jakku. He took his position very seriously given it was assigned by the Emperor himself, so he vowed to not let him down even in death. His fleet took one last brave stand against Vanguard Squadron, and needless to say, it didn’t go well for his fleet. However, Gralm refused to be taken in by the New Republic and wanted to go out in a blaze of glory, literally. So he blew up his own ship, refusing to allow the rebel scum the glory of killing him, and knowing his Emperor would someday inexplicably return from the ashes.

Tomorrow we'll be examining people more in our corner---the type to write and record the passage of history.

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EPISODE XLII: JOURNALISTS & HISTORIANS

Journalists and historians have become a rare breed in the galaxy after years of Imperial repression. As brutal and unjust as their suppression was, maybe some of these stories would have you reconsider.

Spoiler

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Alton Kastle

Kastle had a sweet gig being the Empire’s propaganda mouthpiece, but once they collapsed, he was out of work. He fled Lothal and created his own underground conspiracy show trashing the New Republic. One of the his most popular conspiracies claimed that chemicals in the water are turning the friggin’ Lothcats gay! He found himself getting into all sorts of galactic drugs to help him sell the persona (wink) and appeal to crazies. Kastle would eventually overdose on ketamine in 15 ABY, putting an abrupt halt to his legacy. The memes he created would always live on in people’s hearts.

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Brookish Boon

A little incident put this alien political pundit and socialite in serious danger—identity theft. Yes, the pirate Hondo Ohnaka had stolen her identity for the purposes of keeping his crew nice and anonymous, as well as getting access to that sweet Imperial Social Security. With life on Coruscant looking bleak, she returned to her wealthy home planet Sy Myrth, where she found a new pastime railing against Imperial corruption while taking a hefty paycheck from them at the same time.

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Elliver Olim

After the Battle of Exegol, Elliver was finally able to pursue his journalist dream. His extensive holographic records on the Resistance-First Order conflict proved useful in documenting history and he wrote extensive articles about his war experiences, which rewarded him several accolades. 

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Voren Na’al

Ever since he was a wee lad, Voren had a passion for galactic history. He wanted to keep history straight given how many conflicting views people have on how certain events played out. This sparked him to join the rebels so they could correct the Empire’s propaganda. After the Battle of Endor, he became an underpaid history teacher. Now he had another system to rebel against. History really does repeat itself.

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Farns Monsbee

Similarly to Voren Na’al, Monsbee was another passionate historian turned rebel. He could recite historical events to his squad mates for hours and hours, recalling the most insignificant details nobody else would bother with. He’s a man that did his homework. Nobody quite knows what happened to him after the war, but rumors say he’s the webmaster of a certain fansite named after a certain furry species.

Tomorrow we'll be looking at the careers of some boys in blue. No, not the Smurf or Avatar kind.

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EPISODE XLIII: POLICE

You know, these guys! Does anyone remember? No? Moving on.

Spoiler

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Zuvio

Zuvio continued to serve as Jakku’s only constaple years after the Battle of Exegol, but eventually realized that policing a desert planet in the middle of nowhere unsurprisingly grows dull. He retired and moved to Batuu where he can relax in peace. That is until one day when crime rates on Batuu began to surge, and the planet was in need of help. Zuvio didn’t want to become an officer again, yet still wanted to help people. Thus, he decided to take the law into his own hands by becoming a masked vigilante who watches over the planet from the shadows.

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Nandan Roty, random canto bight guard #1

Getting manhandled and hogtied by an astromech proved to be the last straw for this city cop. After leaving Canto Bight, Nandan returned to his home planet to pursue his true calling as a fathier breeder. He found it a little cruel given all the blood of theirs he’d spilled while still a cop, but the thrill of riding one of those things seemed to wipe the cognitive dissonance away.

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Sommel Atandu, random canto bight guard #2

Sommel’s cushy position as sergeant kept him from leaving the force, and so he stayed while many of his comrades left. That is, until a strange visitor approached him at his post—it was the “Broom Boy,” now a fearsome Jedi Knight. Or so Sommel thought until a glowing stick sliced him through the torso. It was Temiri Blagg, Dark Jedi now.

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Stepheden Thaldree, random canto bight guard #3

Thaldree was one of Canto Bight police’s most loyal officers, doing anything he could to protect the city. He was the only officer there you couldn’t bribe. There was one case that really scratched his itch there however: Big Sturg. He became obsessed with wanting to take down the lawyer turned drug kingpin’s empire. Unfortunately, one day he dove too deep and ended up executed. His corpse was buried out in the middle of nowhere, never to be found again. Many hunters are still trying to find his body to this day and its whereabouts has become one of the planet’s greatest mysteries.

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Patrok Ru-Saxon

Saxon was relieved of his policing duties after the Empire took control of Mandalore. This upset him, especially after his inability to stop black market operations two years prior. He later joined a Mandalorian rebel cell to fight against their occupation, desperate to bring order back to Mandalore, but alas, the group and Saxon would meet their demise.

 

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EPISODE XLIV: THE MISCELLANEOUS CHARACTERS STRIKE BACK

Here's more tales of random characters not fitting into our other categories. 

Spoiler

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Camie Marstrap

Hearing legends of Luke Skywalker, Jedi legend, had no real effect on Camie Marstrap. To her, he was just “Wormie,” the seedy boy who lived on a dumpy little planet just like her. After Boba Fett stopped her getting hassled by a bunch of Nikto ruffians, Camie lived a pretty boring life afterward, much to her dismay. Despite tales and books being written about the galaxy’s heroes, none of them seemed particularly interested in the Loneozner-Marstrap household. Soon she’d had enough and left her husband Fixer for a veritable spot as the Droopy McCool Experience’s roadie. Who would’ve known moisture farm technology and sound equipment were so similar?

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Laze “Fixer” Loneozner

Fixer was never quite the same after Camie left him. He’d had it all with her, and now she was leaving him to go twist a bunch of knobs for an electric flute? Seeking relief from a crushing inferiority complex, he sought a fresh start as a line cook for Mos Eisley’s Crystal Moon Restaurant. He got to serve many people personally, including who he could’ve sworn was Luke Skywalker at one point. Maybe Fixer didn’t become the most important person in the galaxy, but he did come to peace with it.

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Pharl McQuarrie

Soon after the Battle of Endor, Pharl retired from the rebellion and became a concept art designer for a famous movie series. He later died peacefully in his sleep from a disease, but his art’s legacy would always live on in the galaxy.

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Wam Lufba

After Jabba’s fall, Wam continued his career as a pest exterminator, rooting out the meanest insects and other varmints he could find. But his luck changed when he was commissioned to kill the biggest bug of them all—Zuckuss, the ex-bounty hunter. And so Wam flew to Coruscant to battle the tenacious Gand, who had taken to rifling outside the trash at Dex’s diner after his glory days had ended. The two made an epic clash, blaster bolts flying, garbage soaring through the air… until Wam left victorious, having slayed Zuckuss. It cost him the existence of an arm and half of his face, though. Turns out Gands can spit corrosive insect acid.

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Ephant Mon

Mon refused to board Jabba’s sail barge after sensing something special about the Skywalker kid and his team. Ignoring his advice led to the death of the Hutt and his associates, but little did Mon care. He grew tired of the criminal underworld and was ready to move onto something meaningful. He returned to his home planet of Vinsoth where he founded a new religion known as Ephantology. He occasionally relapsed back into his old habits to obtain funding for his cult’s temple. It’s said Ephantology gained a whopping total of 4 members, which is honestly more than Mon expected, so he couldn’t be too upset.

Tomorrow to conclude Season 5 we'll be taking another look at the galaxy's most esteemed politicians.

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EPISODE XLV: POLITICIANS STRIKE BACK

 

Spoiler

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Eeusu Estornii

Despite her status of senator of a totally insignificant planet, the galaxy’s descent into fascism didn’t seem to bother Ms. Estornii. Rather, she was busy mourning the loss of her love Kit Fisto, whom she had cohabited with in secret after realizing how weirdly similar they looked. Traveling to Kit’s home planet of Glee Anselm, she never gave up hope that the Jedi could still be alive, and dove into the waters to find him. She was never seen again, although some locals have claimed to hear echoing sobs emitting from the murky depths.

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Ask Aak

Aak wasn’t a fan of the political scene anymore when the Republic turned into the Empire. He wanted no part in the authoritarian regime, so he dipped from politics and opened up his own website literally called “Ask Aak.” Citizens of the galaxy can use it to have their most pressing questions answered. Maybe, it depends who’s answering. At least it’s free!

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Agrippa Aldrete

Aldrete had served as Alderaan’s senator and Bail Organa’s aide for years, so eventually he felt it was time to retire. As he lived out the rest of his days in peace on Alderaan, and witnessing the rise of the Empire, he would eventually meet his end when the planet was destroyed by the Death Star. Just another statistic in the Alderaan casualty count. RIP.

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Bail Antilles

The Antilles family were a fabulously wealthy, well-storied clan in the galaxy. There was the late great Captain Raymus Antilles, most famous for getting choked out by Darth Vader in twenty seconds, and Wedge Antilles of Corellia, the legendary Rebel pilot. And then there was Bail Antilles of Alderaan. Known as a talentless political product of nepotism, Bail found it hard to re-establish his name after losing the election as Supreme Chancellor. He was left to live a quiet life in the family palace on Alderaan, living off his wealth. There he developed a special love for stargazing, creating detailed charts and maps for his own amusement. One of the best things he saw was what looked like a giant laser shooting through the sky. It was so big, it looked like it was about to destroy the planet.

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Veedaaz Awmetth

Awmetth never quite fit into politics, and very few knew of his existence given his cameo in Padme's funeral was cut. Even during the Imperial Senate days, Awmetth could never find the time to shine. He had enough and quit being a politician, venturing off into obscurity somewhere else. Nobody truly knows what became of him, but legends whisper he became a recluse lumberjack on a forested planet.

See you for the last season soon-ish.

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SEASON VI: Return of the One-Timers

It's finally time to begin the final season. Every great story reaches its end. Unless you’re the actual Star Wars, in that case you keep going forever. But we’re not.

EPISODE XLVI: ARTISTS

Behold some of the most creatively talented minds in the galaxy and see where their careers took them, for better or worse.

Spoiler

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Zutton

Zutton was a frequent visitor of the Mos Eisley Cantina where he attempted to sell his artwork, but could never find any interested patrons. The only luck he had was by bribing drunks. He attempted to sell his artwork to other places throughout Tatooine, but hardly anyone was interested, though we’re not sure what he expected by trying to sell here. (seriously what is so special about this planet) Just when he was about to give up on the backwater planet and try his luck elsewhere, a seedy stranger approached him, offering to buy his art if he’d be willing to star in a certain form of ahem, “entertainment.” Zutton accepted, and now stars in various adult videos. Well you know what they say, if it pays the bills.

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Ketsu

Sometime after the Liberation of Lothal and inspired by Sabine, Ketsu retired from bounty hunting and decided to pursue the artist dream she had always wanted. She frequently collaborated with Sabine, creating famous Mandalorian artworks to help revive the dying culture.

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Ebenn Q3 Baobab

Ebenn was seen as an odd fellow to most Naboo civilians due to his strange name. Nobody really knew what the “Q3” stood for, and not even he knew despite studying various languages. When he wasn’t doing ambassador work for the Royal House, he enjoyed writing in his spare time. After retiring from ambassador work, he became one of the galaxy’s most famous authors, writing the award winning Theed Times Best Selling series “A Song of Water & Gungans.” Unfortunately, due to writer’s block and passing away of old age, he never finished the final two books, leaving fans devastated. 

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Yolo Ziff

After the Battle of Exegol, due to acclaim of his pro-Resistance propaganda artwork, Yolo used his talent to become a renown modern artist. Some of his most famous paintings included depictions of important First Order and Resistance battles. He made a guest appearance on Klaud and Chewie’s talk show which helped increase his fame. Also, for some reason the kids of today made a meme out of his first name and he never quite understood the joke.

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Shasa Zaro

After the Battle of Exegol, Shasa became a famous graphical starship artist, creating all sorts of unique custom designs for people’s vehicles. Her work would become sponsored by the starship company Prinsche, who butted heads with Alset to acquire her talents. Only one could win and she has a lucrative deal with Prinsche now.

Tomorrow we'll take a look at the ghosts of a certain famous Jizz band. 

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EPISODE XLVII: THE BITH BAND

 

From one form of art to another, let’s see how the Bith Band’s legacy fared in the ever changing music industry. We’ve told you about their horrible death—and their sole survivor, Figrin D’an, but what about the others?

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they all look the same i'm not posting a picture of each one ok

Spoiler

Tech Mo’r, master of the Ommni box

Tech Kaczynski, better known by his stage name Tech Mo’r, hated his name.

“Hey Tech, can you take a look at my computer? Why is it so slow?”

“Tech, does my thing have a virus?”

“Tech, the HoloNet is down. Lend a hand?”

For the last time, he was a musician, not some computer geek! There rarely came a day where Tech did not curse the difficulties of his unfortunate name, and the increasingly digital world he found himself surrounded by. The Ommni box, its sweet, primitive sound often ringing through the halls of his childhood home, stood in opposition to all of that. It was such simple technology, and it fit right at home in the backwards Tatooine cantina he had chosen to play in, just to get away from it all.

But the desert sands were not all they were cracked up to be. Nay, it seemed like technology had followed him. The Empire had begun surveying the planet, and they were flooding into Mos Eisley. There was no escape now. The last straw came during band introductions, midway through their set.

“And this is Tech Mo’r, our box player! Big round, everyone!”

“Tech?” questioned a young spectator. “Do you think he can fix my—” 

In a rage, Tech grabbed his instrument and flung it at the kid. One bloody bar fight later, Tech was out of the band and in Imperial custody. As sandtroopers led him away, he could just hear the boy finish his sentence.

“Technique. I thought you could fix my technique.”

Lirin Car’n, master of the Kloo horn

    Tech’s abrupt exit from the group gave Lirin Car’n the inspiration he needed to leave too. He was their star player, but not a passionate one—he hated playing and wished his father had never forced him into it. Where would he go next, his band asked? Why, only to pursue his lifelong dream: professional bounty hunting. Armed with years of inside musical connections and a BlasTech assault rifle, Lirin roamed the galaxy harassing musicians for their outlying touring debts and what not. He wasn’t very threatening—he never figured out how to shoot his blaster, after all—but he threatened and coerced enough to keep the lights on. A toast to mediocrity!

Nalan Cheel, master of the bandfill

With two members now gone in such a quick time span, the four remaining members went their separate ways. Nalan chose to sell his instrument and follow Figrin D’an into music production. Working with big name musicians like the McCool Experience came to him naturally, but it got awkward once his ex-bandmates started popping back into his life. Why, he once found Tech on a Corellian street, begging for deathsticks. (What did the Empire do to him?) There was also that time Lirin bashed into one of his sessions, demanding 2500 credits. (Seriously?) He made a lot of money, but Nalan did feel like something was missing. Were these encounters a sign?

Tedn Dahai, master of the fanfar

Tedn had grown to like being in a cantina, and had grown a deep appreciation for the business side of things. So it was no surprise when he decided to open up his own greasy spoon on Coruscant. The building was prime real estate, owned by some guy named Dexter who had since died, but his band earnings more than made up for it. For a while he spent his days cleaning glasses just like he’d seen Wuher the bartender do before, watching other young, upcoming bands take the stage. Maybe it was time for a comeback?

Sun’il Ei’de, the drummer

At last, we have Sun’il—the only Bith who never really wanted to end things. He had stayed true to his instrument, playing in the same old seedy cantina all alone, backed by no one. The Empire’s fall had left bullies like Cobb Vanth to rule Tatooine. Things were bleak. But maybe it was time for a lively party band to turn that around? The other guys were easier to find than he thought: Tedn was polishing dishes in his diner, Nalan was producing the next Unkinem EP, Lirin was in a heated argument with Baby Bossk about contracts, and Tech was living in a trash can eating womp rats. But effortlessly, all five of them were ready to perform at the same cantina they’d made their mark on. As they began to play, Imperial troops burst in and littered their bodies with blaster bolts. Oops–thought they were Rebel spies. Oh well. By the time Figrin D’an showed up, late to the show, everyone had left the scene. Did I mention there was no happy ending here?

Tough times in the galactic music industry, hm? Next week we'll be diving into the hive of scum and villainy one last time.

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EPISODE XLVIII: RETURN OF THE SCUM AND VILLAINY

Here are more exciting tales from the galaxy’s seedy underworld, where you’ll learn that a life of crime is probably not fun. Or it may not deter you, but we’re not liable for anything.

Spoiler

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Therm Scissorpunch

Therm was an eccentric and feared figure in the underworld due to the power of his big meaty claws. He was known to get into plenty of fisticuffs and put those claws to good use. Therm enjoyed fighting so much that he decided to escape the underworld and become a professional boxer. Notorious figures from his past returned to challenge him for his belt, but he clobbered them all. He remains undefeated to this day and there’s speculation he may even try running for Senate.

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Glaucus

Also known as the “Big Guy” or “Big Eye” (Big Gay?), Glaucus was a gambler’s trump card for winning Sabacc matches due to the cards being reflected in his eye. Due to this gift, he had a great reputation amongst the gambling community, with many fighting for control over his gift. One day though, Glaucus had enough of being people’s tool and decided he wants to be the pro gambler. He cheated his way to the top dog, angering his fellow gamblers. His reign as king came to an abrupt end when he would be shot dead in the streets of Vandor.

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Muftak

Muftak was one of the best pickpockets in the galaxy, pulling it off so stealthily fast you wouldn’t even see it coming. He was also quite knowledgeable on how to smuggle spice. He went on to work for a crooked lawyer, becoming his personal bodyguard, and then a notorious spice kingpin. To bring down said spice kingpin, Muftak was tricked into staying in a safehouse and giving up information. Rumors say he’s still trapped in that safehouse to this day, but others claim he’s out and about still doing what he does best.

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BoShek

BoShek gained a reputation as one of the best smugglers in the galaxy. If you needed a less than legal substance moved, he was your guy to do the job right. He continued this life into the New Republic era and formed a friendship with Poe Dameron after he inadvertently saved his life. BoShek eventually retired from smuggling and now lives on a peaceful isolated planet. Rumors say he continues to teach his wisdom to the new generation of criminals, acting as their mentor.

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Lady Proxima

Proxima continued to rule as a vicious crime lord for the next few decades. She held onto her grudge against Han Solo for the scar he inflicted upon her and was not happy to learn his son beat her to the kill. This caused Proxima to secretly support the Resistance as payback against Kylo Ren. Once the First Order was no more, Proxima returned to being the New New Republic’s enemy and got into a war with pirates. Her reign would come to an end during a three-way battle between her White Worms, Gwarm’s crew and Sidon Ithano’s, ending with the destruction of her organization, and her own death. Proxima’s body would be roasted and eaten for dinner. Turns out Grindalids make delicious meals. Yum.

For our penultimate tale, we'll be skewing the lines of canon by shedding light on a few ancient legends.

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EPISODE XLIX: LEGENDS

Are these canon? Ah, who cares, let’s have some fun before the end of our tale. We like to believe there’s always truth in some legends.

Spoiler

Why Was There a Crying Mountain in Star Wars? - YouTube

Mount Sorrow

Despite his dour, pessimistic demeanor, Mount Sorrow was blind to the true tragedy that would soon await him: time. Over the next few million years, erosion and surface rumblings eventually whittled the great mountain down into a little mesa, until the wind blew him away into nothingness.

R5-D4 | StarWars.com

R5-D4, aka Skippy the Jedi Droid

It was thought the Force only bound and surrounded living creatures. But R5-D4, or as he preferred, Skippy the Jedi Droid, proved everyone wrong. He was not someone well-respected in the Jedi Order—he was never granted the rank of Master and often found himself relegated to menial starfighter repair. But it was this discrimination that spared him from the Great Jedi Purge, allowing him to hide in exile along with fellow Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi. This exile did not prove fruitful, though—almost immediately, Jawas kidnapped him. For twenty years he laid in slavery.

Yet relief would come when coming across R2-D2, an old friend. A strategic bad motivator malfunction left R2 in the hands of Luke, saving the Rebellion. And Skippy would persevere. You saw him in The Mandalorian, of course, under a new master who treated him quite well. But that didn’t mean he was helpless. 

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George R. Binks

“Think of your son!” Those were the words which echoed in George’s mind, as he watched Jar Jar grow from a clumsy, immature scamp to a clumsy, immature adult. There was rarely a day where Mr. Binks didn’t rue the Great Creator for the bad luck that He had endowed upon him. But changes came quickly for this aging Gungan. War broke out. Thousands of his people died. And in the chaos, his son had emerged a hero—and the first of his kind to represent the indigenous Naboo. As George lived out the last of his days in an Otoh Gunga duplex, paid for on a Senator’s salary, he could do nothing but smile. Jar Jar was a pillar, a shining beacon of hope and democracy for Naboo. There was no way he could screw things up again, right?

Star Wars: 10 Weird Expanded Universe Things We're Glad Aren't Canon  Anymore – Page 10

Waru

Do you know Waru? It appeared in an obscure Expanded Universe comic back in the day. It was an all-knowing, shapeshifting cosmic being that could travel between parallel universes. No matter how much we could traverse the galaxy, searching for the stories of these one-timers, there was no way either of us could hope to surpass Waru. So we let him onto the team. In fact, he could be writing one of these episodes. You’ll never know.

Your Guide to 'Raiders of the Lost Ark' and the 'Star Wars' Easter Eggs |  Snopes.com

Indiana Jones

Behind the scenes of fighting Nazis and going on Orientalist romps to the Global South, Dr. Jones was studying galaxies far, far away. He’d gathered smatterings of evidence throughout his years. A spaceship fragment here and there. Tales of a “Bigfoot” in the Pacific Northwest he could swear was really a jungle-dwelling alien. Rumors of an almighty “Force” that controlled the lives of every living being. Eventually it became too much to bear, until one day, he just gave up. He’d gotten so close to unraveling these mysteries, but he had to confront the fact that he just didn’t care. What the hell is a Force ghost? He doesn’t care.

We have but one character left to cover, the most obscure of them all. Stay tuned.

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EPISODE L: THE TRAGEDY OF GLUP SHITTO

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Glup Shitto is by far the most enigmatic character of the entire universe, some even say he holds it together. His name has been whispered for ages, but the truth is: nobody knows anything about him. Who was he? Did he even exist at all? We’re going to conclude this series by answering this tough question.

Spoiler

Act I

Long ago, in a galaxy far far away, lived a mysterious being known as Glup Shitto. Perhaps in another time, or another place, he’d be the Chosen One sworn to bring power and prosperity to the galaxy. But not Glup—he was just a lucky man in some seriously lucky situations, as you’ll find out.

Abandoned by neglectful parents as a baby, he began life as an orphan on the planet Naboo. Boring work as a royal guard in Theed Palace’s halls defined his early life until… war broke out! As he helped brave Jedi defend the palace from invading Battle Droids, twenty year-old Glup was enthralled by the heroics of Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan, and they became his lifelong inspirations.

A decade later, Glup moved to Coruscant to try and become closer to the Jedi. While he found no luck with this, he did get a glimpse of the Jedi he saw years before, Obi-Wan, slicing a woman’s arm off. Shame he couldn’t get any piece of the action this time, but it felt like he was watching something important.

Three years later, Glup Shitto’s life was peaking. Now with a beautiful wife and son, he had just got a job at the Galaxies Opera House in Coruscant. While working there the night Supreme Chancellor Palpatine attended with Anakin Skywalker, he heard something about “Dark Plaguowitz.” Jedi secrets? Let’s hope. But Glup’s world was about to flip upside down very shortly—the Jedi were being destroyed. His asshole boss had turned him over to the new Imperial authorities, claiming he was eavesdropping on “Jedi secrets.” Facing certain death if caught, Glup went into hiding. Into exile, he must go.

Act II

Glup spent two decades in hiding, hopping from planet to planet to stop the Empire from keeping tabs on him. On an incidental stop on the planet Tatooine, however, he recognized the same Jedi from all those years ago… Obi-Wan Kenobi! Once again, he was slicing a guy’s arm off. Again? Whatever, it was cool to see the Jedi were coming back.

After seeing sandtroopers pass him by without another thought, Glup realized that the Empire hadn’t been looking for him for decades. What a waste of nineteen years. Re-establishing contact with his long-lost son Shlup, Glup joined him to become a gas miner in Cloud City on Bespin. It was peaceful living for a while, until the Empire struck back. As he ran around in a panic, he locked eyes with the legendary Sith Lord Darth Vader himself. Something about him seemed familiar…

There was no way the Shittos could stay on Bespin now. Looking for the most isolated place from the Empire possible, Glup and Shlup decided to become hermits on the remote forest moon of Endor. Unfortunately, they did get caught in another Imperial battle. But they got to have a rippin’ party afterward! With ghosts and Rebel heroes.

Act III

30 years pass. Over those three decades, Glup and Shlup had grown closer as a family. At some point the two learned Mrs. Shitto had passed away due to a fatal disease as they paid their respects at her grave. The two were peacefully living on Takodana, when suddenly before they knew it, the First Order swooped in and attacked the planet. As the two try to escape the planet, Shlup is unfortunately struck down in a massacre by Stormtroopers. While escaping the chaos, he briefly notices the new dark sider Kylo Ren commanding his forces through the ruins of the castle, along with a new Jedi girl named Rey fighting off his forces. The heartbroken Glup then proceeded to do what he does best: go into hiding once more.

Shortly afterwards, Glup took refuge at the deserted salt planet Crait. He befriended the Vulptexes roaming around on the planet and saw them as a surrogate family since he had nobody else. Alas, his peace did not last long, as the war came to Crait. As Glup rode off on a Vulptex, he witnessed the legendary Jedi Luke Skywalker make his heroic sacrifice to let the Resistance escape. Riding off into the sunset, he hoped the Resistance would avenge Shlup.

A year later, Glup Shitto joined the rest of the galaxy at the Battle of Exegol, inspired by Luke’s final stand. He boldly fought against the Final Order fleet to avenge Shlup, putting up a surprisingly good fight. However, in the aftermath of the battle, Glup’s body and ship were nowhere to be found. He was presumed to be a casualty of the battle. It appeared this was truly the end of Glup Shitto.

Act IV

Glup Shitto’s name would become nothing more than a meme to the galaxy, and it seemed that is all he’d be remembered for. In some ways, this was a fate worse than death…

…or was it? In our universe, there came rumblings. Rumblings of his return to the ever expanding empire of Disney Wars.

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During his life, it would have been a miracle for people to have known his name at all. But now there was hunger. Hunger and thrill for the adventures of Glup and his story. As if Jesus returned from the dead, the galaxy was in awe and at peace. Glup Shitto, the ultimate one-timer, would be obscure no more.

The End

Bonus:

jjs and OWM

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At last, it was time for these two to conclude their adventures, their mission of bringing attention to the one-timers successfully accomplished. What quests would they embark on next? Maybe just going for a few drinks at the Mos Eisley Cantina. Time to dial things back a bit.

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