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One-Time Star Wars Characters: Where Are They Now?


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EPISODE XV: DROIDS

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Droids are the universe's backbone, behind the love, menial labor, and fancy computerized stuff of the galaxy. These three droids have contributed much to the world of Star Wars, so you should be happy to know we'll be looking at none of them today. Instead, we have some much more interesting stories.

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Bonk, the Gonk droid in the Jawa sandcrawler

Bonk had watched friends and acquaintances come into its life and disappear just as quickly for decades, and this gold and blue duo was no different. But luck changed when it overheard a choice encounter between its hooded masters and an unknown buyer. They were selling it—to an old, eccentric junk dealer living in Mos Espa. “HEY, GET TO WORK!” he said with a snarl. Bonk had finally found its forever home: powering an automated gambling machine for Watto.

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E-3PO, the droid that yelled "E chu ta!" at C-3PO

E-3PO had worked as Cloud City’s resident spy droid for a while now, but his job was rather pointless now that the Empire controlled Bespin completely and everyone important had skipped town. So the Empire transferred him—he would now be undertaking recon efforts on the forest moon of Endor, where he could hopefully win the Ewoks’ trust in order to kill and eat them later. But this didn’t last long after the Rebels took Endor and captured E-3PO. Not knowing what to do with him, they painted the droid gold and rented him out as “C-3PO” to weddings and birthdays wanting to have a Rebel hero at their party. It is a lonely, lonely existence.

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TC-14

The official narrative states that the Trade Federation moved TC-14 to their biggest, grandest battleship, which a nine-year old had destroyed during the Battle of Naboo. So she was dead—or was she? Her memory archives survived in the vacuum of space, floating around before they came to rest on the planet Corellia, where junkers used them to rebuild her. Free from the memory wipes that had once plagued her, she became a deadly bounty hunter and contract killer, which inspired a young protocol droid named 4-LOM to follow in her footsteps.

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GA-97, the Resistance spy droid on Takodana

Having succeeded in helping the Resistance find BB-8, GA-97 had completely served its purpose. There was nothing left for it to do. To cope with its newfound uselessness, the droid now does pub crawls across the Outer Rim, drinking its days away with pints of motor oil.

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ME-8D9, Maz's personal assistant

“Emmie” had lived in the Takodana castle for thousands of years, and felt a little lost when the First Order destroyed it. But she would live on. Climbing aboard a spaceship, she pursued a new life powering an intergalactic HoloNet café on Jedha, where lowlifes would come to develop crippling addictions to pornography and social media.

 

Tomorrow, expect a look at more machines, and the pilots who raced them.

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EPISODE XVI: PODRACERS

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Podracing: one of the galaxy's most famous, and dangerous, forms of entertainment. Underneath those pilot helmets are racers with their own tales and journeys. Anakin Skywalker and Ben Quadinaros may be the most iconic racers, but left behind in the dust are several other icons in need of attention. Now this is podracing!

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Sebulba

Sebulba continued podracing, eventually becoming Ben Quadrinaros’s sworn rival, which made for quite the entertaining rivalry to viewers. He eventually grew bored of podracing and moved onto battle racing, which managed to be even deadlier than podracing. Sadly, in 5 ABY, Sebulba’s stardom came to a halt as he would die in an abrupt, fiery battle racing crash, just another statistic in the ever dangerous galactic sport. Quadinaros was one of the few people who would attend his funeral, showing a sign of respect even after their heated rivalry.

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Gasgano

Due to finishing second place at Boonta Eve Classic, Gasgano harbored bitter jealousy towards the young Anakin Skywalker who managed to best him. The two never saw each other again after that day, but Gasgano would never live it down that he was defeated by a child, as his fellow podracers would constantly berate him over. Even his homeworld of Troiken laughed at him. With each passing year, Gasgano started to do progressively worse in races. He eventually saw this career wasn’t for him anymore and retired from podracing altogether, hanging up the helmet. He settled down on Batuu to be left alone, not having to worry about anymore stupid kids. One day, he purchased the droid GH-7 from a merchant, reactivating it and becoming Gasgano’s first friend in ages. Two former professionals who had their careers ripped away, united together. A heartwarming tale, truly.

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Ebe E. Endocott

If you thought Gasgano was angry, you should’ve seen Ebe E. Endocott. He should’ve felt grateful that he was lucky enough to finish, yet his loss sent him into an anger-fueled psychosis. Storming into the Jundland Wastes, he tried to take it out on a herd of wild eopies peacefully grazing. Instead, they charged him, and their pack leader Gilbert crushed his skull into the sand with a stomp of his hoof. 

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Elan Mak

Mak continued to podrace, but as time went on, his skills grew worse and worse, eventually only ever being able to finish last. He gave up on the podracing career and became an engineer and entrepreneur, opening up his own ship company known as Alset. They aren’t very good (and also don’t have radios for some reason), but his witty charm tricks people into thinking they are, and they fall for it every time. He now has a massive galactic social media presence, being praised by many just for existing on it, posting funny memes, or posting porn. Wild, huh?

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Mars Guo

Mars Guo’s devastating Boonta Eve crash crippled him from the waist down, ending his career forever. He was not discouraged, though, and pursued a successful career as a world-class ship designer. But one day, thugs broke into his studio, stole his designs and prototypes, and left a laser bolt in his brain. The next day, Elan Mak’s company Alset announced their new model of ship.

 

Tomorrow, we'll take a look at the political side of the galaxy, examining several forgotten senators and figureheads.

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EPISODE XVII: POLITICIANS

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"I love democracy," Chancellor Sheev Palpatine once said. We at One-Time love democracy and politicians so much, that we were so happy to learn that their trade embargo kept us from posting this episode way earlier than we should've. The Galactic Senate is a proud institution and always will be, so what have some of its more esoteric members been up to?

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Aang

After a successful career as a politician, Aang mysteriously disappeared from the scene when the galaxy needed him most. It is said he went into a deep spiritual meditation, and never returned from it. It is rumored that he was reborn in another dimension as the protagonist of a Nickelodeon cartoon. Far out.

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Grebleips

Grebleips’ distinguished Senate career abruptly ended after space journalists revealed a shocking affair between him and one of Naboo’s handmaidens. He then pursued a series of other galactic ventures under an assumed name, such as a film production company and an unsuccessful theme park franchise. But he was soon exposed, and exiled to the distant future in a galaxy far, far away. I heard they made a movie about it.

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Baron Papanoida

As the Empire began to occupy his homeland of Pantora, Baron Papanoida found himself surrounded by eager yes-men, ready to follow his orders at a moment’s notice. Confused yet excited at this new development, the Baron turned the moon into a self-contained dictatorship, where he was free to rule how he pleased even if the Empire had a blaster barrel pointed at his head. He may have gone too far in a few places.

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Riyo Chuchi

Following the end of the Clone Wars, Chuchi continued to represent Pantora in the Galactic Senate, but she wasn’t happy about it as she quickly saw how brutal the Empire became. She resigned, heading back to Pantora, but then fled from there too once Baron turned it into his own dictatorship. During her time in hiding, she found a new passion in music and began an underground career as a galactic pop singer. Once the Empire was gone, she took her music mainstream, cracking high numbers on the Galactic Billboard. She considered doing a collab with Sy Snootles at one point to help her career, but the plans fell through the cracks.

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Nee Alavar

Senator Alavar’s fears were coming true: Chancellor Palpatine had become a tyrant, and the Republic had morphed into a fascist dictatorship. Armed with a blaster, she burst into the Emperor’s office to confront him herself. 

“Chancellor, your rule of terror is about to end.”

“...Who are you again?”

The Royal Guard detained her shortly afterward and threw her into the rancor pit, one of Palpatine’s favorite death chambers. Isn’t it funny when they squirm?

 

Tomorrow we take a dive into a politician's worst nightmare: crime. Stay tuned.

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EPISODE XVIII: SCUM AND VILLAINY

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The galaxy's criminal underworld contains many seedy, colorful and vile malefactors. You know the big players, such as big Jabba himself. But what happened to the smaller players, who were largely forgotten in the whispers throughout the underworld?

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Tak

After escaping the spice mines of Kessel, Tak went right back to his con artist ways, trying to rob suckers. However, one of his previous victims from the Coruscant days recognized him and called the Imperials. They intervened and arrested Tak, throwing him into a prison. He was bummed at first, but eventually started to like the prison life more than the outside world. Unfortunately, one day, another one of his previous victims he ripped off wasn’t too happy to see him in prison. Tak was then promptly shanked to death on sight. Moral of this story: Come back to haunt you, your actions will. 

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Yoxgit

Yoxgit only barely managed to jump off the exploding sail barge just in time, landing into the sand below. He was about to run free, eager to return to his illegal tibanna business. That was until a piece of barge debris struck him, sending him flying into the sarlacc pit. While being digested into the beast, he saw the legendary bounty hunter Boba Fett in there too, trying to fight his way out. Yoxgit tried to call for his aid, but Boba was a little preoccupied trying to save his own life first. More debris from the barge fell into the sarlacc, hitting Yoxgit and making him fall deeper into the sarlacc’s digestive system, never to be seen again. 

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Hat Lo

Despite how much he claimed to be a big bad crime lord on par with the Hutts, in truth, Hat Lo was nothing more than a petty thug who had a decent amount of cash. At one point, his slave Ayy Vida managed to escape his clutches, making him become a laughing stock of the underworld. It was at this point Lo realized failed as a criminal, he had. He knew when to fold ‘em, deciding to retire from the thug life and open a hat store. They’re very nice hats. 

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Bala-Tik

Somehow, Han Solo had escaped the Guavian Death Gang once again. After informing the First Order of their whereabouts, Bala-Tik started to wonder if this was all worth it after realizing those rathtars ate his whole platoon. He deserted the gang and returned to his home planet of Dnaltocs, where he leads a simple life playing the pipes and selling traditional puddings made out of space-sheep organs. They taste better than they sound, we promise.

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Kardue’sai’Malloc, aka Labria

Kardue continued to live on Tatooine in hiding under the alias of “Labria”, with nobody suspecting his criminal past or recognizing him. He had one of the highest bounties in galaxy history and was on almost every wanted list, so he did his hardest to keep a low profile, well, as low as you could on Tatooine. However, his past eventually caught up to him one day in 7 ABY, when a random Mos Eisley patron recognized him. After a report was filed, several New Republic officers arrived to apprehend him. Kardue made a run for it into the vast Tatooine deserts, never looking back. He braved through the harsh deserts for days without food or water, which was impressive. One night, he found a mysterious camping spot and needing to rest, decided to take it, not caring who it belonged to. The next morning, the New Republic agents found his body in the sand, dead via blaster, and the camp site was cleared out. Nobody knows who ultimately killed him, but there are theories, ranging from Tusken Raiders, a rogue bounty hunter (although the bounty was never claimed), or a rival criminal wanting to settle an old score. To this day, it remains a perplexing unsolved mystery.

 

Tomorrow, we'll look at the untold stories from one of the galaxy's most iconic locations: Mos Eisley Cantina.

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EPISODE XIX: THE MOS EISLEY CANTINA

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This cantina is a clean, bustling place, as you can see. But don't you know it used to be a wretched hive of scum and villainy? Many people once frequented this seedy place, but have since then parted ways. So what have they been up to?

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The Bith Band

Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes was their name, and success was their game. Well, not really. The little arm-slicing incident told them they were destined for greater venues than this disgusting, smelly cantina, and they set off into the desert the next day. Their tour didn’t last long, though—Sandtroopers mistook them for Rebel agents and slaughtered them in their sleep. Only one Bith, Figrin D’an himself, survived. He’s still in the industry, though—you can catch his production work on the new Unkinem album.

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Momaw Nadon ("Hammerhead")

Momaw Nadon had been exiled—dealing with the Empire led to exile from his peaceful agrarian homeworld, leaving him trapped on this deserted rock. Seeing a man get dismembered by a giant blue glow stick reminded him of the hatred he felt. He went home and vowed to have revenge on the Empire, with the same kind of violence he’d seen that day. Thirty-four years later, he is now known as General Momaw Nadon, leading general of the Resistance.

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Wuher

Wuher continued bartending for the cantina along with still harboring an extreme prejudice against droids. People also dug up his social media posts containing droidphobic insults, which caused people to threaten a Mos Eisley boycott if it he was not fired. The upper management eventually got tired of the numerous complaints and fired him. Wuher now lives alone, getting drunk and continuing to rant about his hatred of droids on social media.

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Jerriko

Jerriko continued to be a regular of the cantina, offering his services for a good kill, and smoking his pipe nonstop which started to irritate the other customers after a while. Wuher kindly asked him to take it outside many times, but Jerriko always refused. Annoyed by constant complaints, the upper management had enough and banned him, much to Jerriko’s anger, but he eventually relented and took his services elsewhere. He hopped around various cantinas across the galaxy, and even saw Beedo sitting around at a few. One night he got a bit too drunk and wandered off into the streets at night. One thing lead to another, resulting in him joining a pirate crew. To this day, he cannot recall how these events unfolded, nor will any of his crewmates say.

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Takeel and Zutton ("Snaggletooth")

Unlike most of the other cantina patrons that day, the Snaggletooths found dismemberment extremely funny, and felt inspired to create comedy out of it. The two became Tak n’ Zut, a mediocre comedy duo that tours across the Outer Rim. After criticizing Emperor Palpatine in one of their sets, the Empire poured millions of credits into finding and killing them with probe droids. They did not succeed, and they continue to travel the galaxyto this day.

Tomorrow we close our season with a very similar location, almost like it's from a movie that mirrors A New Hope's plot exactly.

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EPISODE XX: TAKODANA CASTLE

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We close out the season with another episode on a location from the sequels. Much like Mos Eisley, Takodana Castle was another home for many seedy figures and under Maz Kanata's ownership flourished as a popular haven for them. But you see, what really sets it apart from Mos Eisley is how it's a fancy, gigantic castle. They also had a pretty nice view of a lake instead of a boring desert, so that's cool too. Before the First Order blew it to smithereens, here's the tale of several figures that used to frequent there. They're not Disney princesses, but they're just as special, we think.

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Hassk Triplets

With the First Order gone and the galaxy at peace again (for now), Varmik and his two brothers decided to go around the galaxy solving mysteries with their grand uncle. Hassk tales, woo oo!

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Grummgar

Grummgar, great hunter and mercenary, spent his last hours with his girlfriend Bazine Netal, not knowing that they were not actually dating and that she was really just spying for the First Order. As the Takodana Castle crumbled around them, he gave her his most prized possession: his 242 hunting rifle, feeling she would put it to good use after his death. As rocky debris crushed and choked Grummgar, Bazine chucked the gun away and ran for her life. A true symbol of their love.

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Sidon Ithano

After the Battle of Exegol, Sidon continued his pirate life, but now wanting to be known as Captain Sidon Ithano, savvy? He embarked on many nautical space adventures with his pirate crew, and developed a rum addiction. This is the tale of Captain Sidon Ithano, a pirate so brave, on the galactic seas! Drink up me hearties, yo ho yo ho. 

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Cookie Tuggs (Strono Tuggs), Takodana Chef

After the Battle of Exegol, Tuggs decided his cooking career had a lot more potential beyond Takodana. He started his own reality show called Tuggs’ Kitchen, where teams of chefs compete for a job as head chef. The show became a success and Tuggs’ publicity skyrocketed. He even guest starred on Klaud and Chewie’s talk show, which ended up being their most viewed episode yet.

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Pru Sweevant

Pru Sweevant was a loyal man, and loyal to his captain he stayed. While the rest of his crew died during Takodana Castle’s destruction, he served as Captain Ithano’s devoted sidekick for many rum-swilling, swashbuckling years afterward. But after a while, the first mate learned he was only getting a five percent cut of the treasure. Now finding loyalty overrated, he committed mutiny and marooned his ex-captain on a desolate moon. Here begins the tale of Captain Pru Sweevant.

 

That's all for Season 2 folks, thanks for continuing to tune into our tales, we appreciate it. See you this fall for Season 3.

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SEASON III

REVENGE OF THE ONE-TIMERS

War! The Star Wars franchise is crumbling under the overabundance of underdeveloped characters. There are one-timers on both sides. Memes are everywhere.

In a stunning move, the fiendish Disney CEO, Bob Iger, has announced a glut of new Star Wars series exclusive to Disney+, further ignoring the stories of these characters.

As brand new Star Wars media attempts to pretend these characters never existed in the first place, jjs and OWM lead a desperate mission to give these one-timers justice....

EPISODE XXI: LEGO CHARACTERS

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We begin this season with something unorthodox: tales from the Lego universe. Scholars have debated if these characters are truly canon or worth including, but we are here to tell you their stories are as valid as everyone else’s.

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Jedi Bob

Poor Bob was never quite the same after boarding that Republic gunship to Geonosis. The sight of his fallen comrades along with hordes of stinky dead Geonosians haunted him every waking moment, until he could no longer tolerate it. Turning in his lightsaber, Bob left the Jedi Order as the Clone Wars began to forge his own path in the galaxy. Hopping from universe to universe, he adopted countless different roles in countless different realities: a medieval knight, a scruffy pirate, an unspecified civilian driving a car. “Jedi” Bob was more than just that, of course. He had become an all-powerful entity, able to assume any role he pleased thanks to the powers of mysterious plastic blocks and a childish imagination. This, of course, made him the most powerful Jedi to ever exist.

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Oni Jass

Oni Jass was a man of mysterious origins. Few even knew of his existence to begin with, and those who did described him as only “the individual.” No one seemed to agree on what he did for a living. But we at OTSWC know perfectly who he was: he was a big game galaxy hunter. You could catch him on Dathomir slaughtering the mightiest rancor he could find, just so he could rest its plucked teeth atop his trophy case, or on Twon Ketee spearing rahtars for his dinner. It’s even been said that he had bested a Zillo Beast on Malastare in an epic eighty-day battle. But a trophy hunter’s life does not sustain itself for long. After meeting his husband Hugh, he realized this life wasn’t for him anymore. They live a quiet life together now on a peaceful, uncharted planet.

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Growly

Growly had quite the tough time fitting in on Corellia, often being mocked for having three eyes. But there was hidden potential deep inside the misunderstood, young lad. Due to his third eye, he was naturally gifted with maneuvering in a ship, a talent he would show off in street races. One day, a mysterious blue man approached Growly. He noticed the stranger had blazing red eyes and wore a fancy white Imperial outfit, but wasn’t quite sure who he was. Growly feared for a moment he was in trouble with the Empire, but on the contrary. The man was impressed with his talents after an informant alerted him of Growly’s flying capabilities and made him an offer of a lifetime. The man offered him a role in a mysterious organization known as the Chiss Ascendancy. Growly was never seen on Corellia again after that offer.

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Kinn Zih

The people of Jakku always found Kinn to be an oddball on a planet filled with them. He had an extensive gun collection and many labeled him as a gun nut, but in truth, he was secretly an arms dealer. He made quite a living off of it, since Jakku didn’t have much else to offer. Some of his clients included: the Hutt Cartel, pirates, various other scum, and an infamous spice kingpin known as “The Danger”, who rose to prominence after Elan Sleazebaggano’s death. Kinn eventually amassed a fortune of credits and left Jakku, affording his own private home on the tropical planet of Sesid, living the good life.

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Jay Jay, Jo Jo, and Jee Jee Binks

As Naboo’s first Senator, Jar Jar Binks met more Gungans than he could ever hope to comprehend. Staffers and well-wishers came pouring in to greet and thank him for his victory against the Trade Federation. But there was one alien he may have gotten a little too close with: Queen Julia of Bardotta. Yes, the Gungan statesman and the Bardottan royal defied physiology to create three little triplet freaks of nature. Their births led to “Jargate,” a political scandal sensationalized enough to strip their father of his position as Senator. While the triplets had otherwise normal childhoods on Naboo, they soon found their places in the world once they reached adulthood: 

Jay Jay relocated to her mother’s homeland of Bardotta, where, as the oldest, she soon inherited the title of Queen. You might think this would’ve brought Naboo and Bardotta closer together, but it just reminded everyone of those really awkward times. Expect the planet to overthrow her soon.

Jo Jo felt the need to support his father, who was now working as a disgraced street clown on the streets of Theed. Mooching off Jay Jay’s lucrative business, he was able to buy a cheap freighter in order to take the act to the next stage. Keep your eyes peeled for “Jo Jo’s Circus,” a travelling show touring the Mid Rim later this fall.

Jee Jee, who has somehow enabled the Binks family’s glorious return to public service, is now Supreme Glorious Minister of Naboo serving alongside Supreme Glorious Savior and Minister for the People Juan Juan Guaidó. Rumor has it that Jee Jee may be taking things over soon after a very convenient assassination.

We hope you did your summer re-watches, because we continue our tales tomorrow with some characters from one of Star Wars' many series.

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EPISODE XXII: RESISTANCE (show)

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Now we take a look at characters from Star Wars: Resistance, the Filoni family’s third child. This show and its cast may have been abruptly forgotten, but some of these characters still deserve to have their stories closed.

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Bibo

Bibo and its mother continued to drift through the vast seas of Castillion at peace. Bibo longed for the Colossus crew to return, missing them. One day, the crew did return, and got to reunite with Bibo for a sweet moment. As the years went by, Bibo got older and bigger, almost reaching the size of its mother. Several sightseers would see the majestic beast leap from the depths once in a while, becoming a legendary sight to hunt for. One of these sightseers happened to be a famous film director, and seeing the creature gave him inspiration for his next film called: “Finding Bibo.” 

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Nena

Nena eventually regrouped back with the Colossus team by sheer luck, realizing the error of her ways and wanting to be a part of their fight against the First Order. Her and Neeku eventually got together romantically, blossoming a cute relationship. How sweet.

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Hallion Nark

Kragan and his crew made Nark walk the plank for his failure, and sent him plunging into the seas of Castillion. He eventually washed up on an uncharted island, all alone. He turned a coconut into his best friend, calling it “Wilson.” It is said Nark is still stranded on that island to this very day, waiting for rescue. Please send help.

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Ax Tagrin

Following his botched bounty job at Varkana, the First Order fired him so Ax went back to the old grind of his normal bounty hunting jobs. He found that the bounty hunter life in the First Order era was not very rewarding or fun as it used to be, eventually spiraling into an alcoholic depression. One night he got so drunk that he damaged his liver, rendering him unable to do his job anymore. He is currently attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings to cope. Perhaps someday his career will get a big revival...

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Norath Kev

Kev continued to work for the Resistance, but began to annoy his team mates, becoming the butt of many jokes. They even made an inside joke about him being a terrorist However, he would prove his worth to the Resistance during the Battle of Exegol, when he single handedly was able to blow up a Star Destroyer above his home world of Duro. This heroic act made him remembered as a hero and his friends never mocked him again after seeing his skills.

Tomorrow we'll take a look at several infamous swashbuckling plunderers, mateys.

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EPISODE XXIII: PIRATES

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Some people here on Earth believe a pirate’s life is for them. But they wouldn’t agree if they learned about the life of a space pirate. It’s a lot more gross, trust us.

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Kuimi Enissa

Kuimi was once a member of the Lumini pirates, a proud gang of pillagers, plunderers, riflers, and looters. But a First Order attack devastated the clan, and all were slain except her. This didn’t stop Kuimi, though—joining the Resistance, she travelled to Ajan Kloss to help them take down their mutual enemy once and for all. But afterward, the ex-pirate felt directionless. There was nothing left to “resist” anymore with the Resistance, and returning to a life of crime didn’t feel right. To cope with the utter uselessness of her character, Kuimi decided to blast off into the Outer Rim to make a name for herself, to find the Bacta Tank of Youth or the Dead Man’s Camtono or something. Where is she now? No one really seemed to care.

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Goru

Before the end of the Clone Wars, Goru had committed mutiny against Hondo yet again, coming to realize he was a weak leader. He took a handful of crew members with him to start his own pirate gang, but Hondo laughed and predicted they’d come crawling back in a week. Some time later when the Empire took over, Hondo’s group fell apart, much to Goru’s delight. He saw this as the perfect chance to become the dominant pirate crew in the new era, wanting to stick it to the new Empire. Unfortunately, his crew barely lasted long before it was quickly wiped out by the Empire, all dying in a fiery death. RIP.

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Parsel

Parsel had gone the whole nine yards with Goru, spending his last days aboard a jolly Weequay sloop before its brutal incineration by an Executor-class Star Destroyer. But before his demise, he had done the deed that all pirates dream to do: bury his own treasure, deep within the dusty deserts of his home planet of Sriluur. It remained hidden for many years afterward, as people spun tales and fables of Parsel’s treasure while also having no clue where to look. After many years, a humble worker dug it up while running a mining operation on the planet for businessman Zeff Lezos. But Lezos would never see that money—the mysterious digger took their cache of money and drugs and vanished into the dunes, never to be seen again.

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Quiggold

Quiggold, as he would say, was only “along for the ride.” He’d spent his early life as a junkie, addicted to death sticks on his home planet of Gabdor. This habit had nearly killed him before he was saved by Captain Sidon Ithano, to whom he now owed a life debt. Since then he had been the captain’s loyal first mate, serving with honor until that fateful day at Takodana Castle. He never saw Ithano again, who had abandoned him with a new first mate, Pru Sweevant (who would soon abandon him in turn). Feeling betrayed, Quiggold formed his own band of miscreants and travelled the galaxy in search of vengeance. It took many years, but soon, Sweevant and Quiggold reunited. But after so many years, Quiggold had forgotten why he was even mad in the first place. And so, claiming opposite sides of one ship, the Quiggold-Sweevant Gang set sail as one.

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Gwarm

Due to the collapse of the Ohnaka Gang, Gwarm also ended up forming his own pirate crew to survive the Empire. Unlike Goru though, his crew was actually smart and plundered a prosperous life. Gwarm’s pirate gang are also the ones who shanghaied former Mos Eisley regular Jerriko into their service, managing to convince him while he was drunk. They all got a laugh out of never telling him how he truly ended up in their crew. Gwarm proved himself a remarkable captain, as the gang survived into the New Republic era. They even formed quite a fierce but respectable rivalry with Sidon Ithano’s crew, getting into quite a few ship battles.

Tomorrow we’ll explore the lives of a class of one-timers with the Disney spirit. Interpret that how you will.

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Episode XXIV: Merchants

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No, we’re not covering Star Tours characters or anything like that. We’re covering some of the galaxy’s greatest hustlers, and where their business may or may not have taken them. 

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Dok-Ondar

On his homeworld of Ithor, Dok-Ondar made his living selling galactic knick-knacks and other nifty treasures that came his way. It was his true passion, but the poor sales he was getting in return just weren’t cutting it. If his shop was to survive, he needed a change of business model. Taking a ship to Tatooine, the Ithorian trader sought out the old masters.

“HEY, YOU! COME ON DOWN TO WATTO’S WARES!”

Dok-Ondar realized his true place: selling cheap consumer goods for galactic tourists. Relocating to Batuu, he found his niche selling plastic lightsabers and mouse-branded memorabilia.

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Droogan

Droogan continued his sleazy business into the rise of the Empire, trying to con as many people as possible out of their credits. Unfortunately, his hot streak would come to an end when he tried to scam a high ranking Imperial, which did not go over well. He was promptly thrown into prison. Some time later, he came face to face with the man who inspired him to be a con artist: Tak. Tak had conned Droogan out of a serious fortune several years prior, which made him realize he needed to become a conman himself to survive in this cruel galaxy. He wasn’t even sure if Tak recognized him, but he didn’t care, as his chance for revenge was finally here. He promptly shanked Tak to death on sight, and had his prison sentence extended for life. It is said he still pulls cons on many prisoners to this day, and they know better to not mess with him less they end up like Tak.

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Gragra

Gragra was known as one of the most overly protective merchants in the galaxy. One foolish Gungan had tried to steal a gorg from her stand, but she caught him like a hawk, always watching. Many thieves had tried to swindle her out of her goods, but nobody was ever successful at stealing from Gragra in galactic history. Gragra eventually passed away of old age in 11 ABY, but not before passing her merchant defense secrets onto her daughter, Gragra Jr., who was honored to carry on the legacy. Much like her mother before her, Junior never let anyone steal from the stand.

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Jira

Jira sadly never saw Anakin Skywalker again after he left Tatooine. She sensed there was something special about that kind boy in her time knowing him, and she sure ended up being right in ways she didn’t anticipate. She would never get to see this though, as Jira eventually passed away of old age in 23 BBY. The citizens of Tatooine were struck by this loss. They loved her fruits given how scarce it was on the barren planet. Unlike Gragra, she had never found a successor for her business. Several imitators tried to replicate the success of her fruits, but nobody could truly replace old lady Jira. Later in galactic history, an apple brand known as “Granny Jira”, was named after her, showing her influence would live on.

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Derla Pidys

Derla Pidys had a good gig as Canto Bight’s resident liquor saleswoman. She’d spend her days vending alcohol to some of the worst addicts the galaxy had to offer, and promptly watch the casino’s many machines empty her patrons’ pockets. Soon they would be back, and the cycle would repeat itself. It was a lucrative way to live, but not one built to last, as she would soon discover. One day, after what seemed like another shift, a diminutive man greeted her outside the neon glowing building that both of them had spent so much time inside. His name was Dobbu Scay, once one of her most frequent customers, and now Canto Bight’s mayor. He was here to shut this casino down piece by piece, starting with her. As officials led her away, Mayor Scay continued his plans to clear this city up.

Business as usual, as you see. Tomorrow we'll be taking a look at more of the galaxy's most feared hunters.

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EPISODE XXV: REVENGE OF THE BOUNTY HUNTERS

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There are too many bounty hunters in this world. We didn’t understand just how many people had bounties on their heads until we started this. But they are characters too, and with characters, there are stories.

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C-21 Highsinger

C-21 Highsinger snagged the occasional bounty throughout the Empire’s rise and fall, but he was essentially the bargain bin pick compared to the big guys like Fett and Bane. Clients didn’t seem to want to hire someone who could only communicate in ones and zeroes. Frustrated at his lack of opportunities, Highsinger decided to broaden his line of expertise along with fellow bounty hunter Robo-Dengar. For a sizable fee, the duo would take care of any job you wanted—they were robotic jacks-of-all-trades. They had hoped they’d get to do lots of killing, but they only managed to find work painting hangars and fixing people’s HoloNet connections. How boring.

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Amanaman

After Jabba’s empire collapsed, Amanaman managed to hightail it off of Tatooine, never looking back. Amanaman continued taking jobs into the New Republic era and slowly made a bigger name for himself. One day during a job, he came across the abandoned, regenerated Baby Bossk, all alone...what a tragedy. He decided to take the baby in and nurse the fallen bounty hunter back to health. Amanaman: father by day, and hunter by night. He has his work cut out for him now, to say the least. Although he bears some similarities to the creature, please do not mistake him for the giant yellow bird from Sesame Street, which does not exist in Star Wars.

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Fong Do

One night, Fong got drunk with his fellow bounty buddies in level 1313 of the Coruscant Underworld. He heard a rumor passed around about a Sith Lord at the Outlander Club. Half of them thought it was a bad joke, while others thought there was truth to it, and were scared to find out. Fong Do told them he’d investigate this for himself, to which his buddies cheered him on. He sobered up and went out to the Outlander Club to investigate the claims. He was never seen again by anyone else afterwards. His mysterious fate has been the subject of many myths and legends among other bounty hunters, but most can agree someone, or something, killed him...perhaps there will be more to this story later in the season (cough).

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Djas Puhr

Djas Puhr had seen it all. He’d watched Han Solo shoot Greedo, clear the bounty on his head, and beat the most powerful Hutt on Tatooine within the span of just a few years. So why wasn’t he just as famous? As the bounty hunter took a long walk to try and ponder this, as the scalding Tatooine suns shone, he felt his thoughts grow hotter and hotter until he could no longer think, and he dropped to the ground dead. Puhr somehow never considered the poor logistics of having a shiny, black head while living on a desert planet.

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Chata Hyoki & Robonino

Following the knuckleheads’ arrest, Hyoki and Robonino plotted their grand escape from prison, Alcatraz style. The two thought their plan was pure genius and that it had no chance of failure. They tried to gather several other inmates for their plan, but they laughed it off, saying it will never work. However, much to their surprise, and by sheer luck, their plan did work. It was a plan so stupid nobody saw it coming. The two escaped and ran for the hills, never looking back. It’s rumored from here they contacted an identity eraser who relocated them and the two have been off the grid ever since. The duo are now idolized by their former inmates who laughed at them, with many attempting to remake their escape attempt to no avail.

A terrible, terrible profession to pick up these days, as you can see. At least they aren't as evil as some of the guys we'll learn about tomorrow.

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EPISODE XXVI: REVENGE OF THE EMPIRE & FIRST ORDER

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Your favorite tyrannical empires have even more stories to share. With so many soldiers, it was a given they'd have several individuals whose stories fall into obscurity. Let's see if joining either group was a good choice for them.

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Bazine Netal

After leaving her lover Grummgar to die in the rubble of Takodana Castle (although she didn’t really care about him), Bazine ran for the winds like a ninja. The First Order met up with her, who paid handsomely for her tip, then they parted ways. However, the First Order stated if they’d ever need her services again, she’d know. She continued doing normal mercenary work in the meantime, one job including going on a wild chase for the Millennium Falcon. When the First Order firmly took over, they hired Bazine again to spy on Resistance sympathizers, which she played her part to perfection. After the Battle of Exegol, she found herself low on work, and eventually realized perhaps it’s time to leave this life of constant backstabbing behind her. It’s said she also became good friends with Long Snoot, both sharing their espionage secrets over drinks.

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R2-Q5

R2-Q5 was no ordinary droid. His day job on the Death Star II was to maintain and monitor the station when needed, and make sure the whole thing didn’t explode. But he also held a smaller yet equally important role that few knew about: he was the Emperor’s personal flash drive. Yes, the Emperor himself kept a personal archive of media collected from all across the galaxy. This secret media, however, consisted entirely of “entertainment” holotapes by Mermeia and other actresses in her industry. Sheev could count on R2-Q5 to visit his throne room and drop off the goods, and R2-Q5 desperately hoped for a memory wipe in order to forget the absolute horrors that had graced his data banks. By the time the Death Star II exploded, R2-Q5 felt a sense of relief. He would be destroyed, yes, but so would Palpatine, never to return. Right?

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Mandetat

Mandetat wasn’t the fighting type, really. Sure, he was chief engineer for Starkiller Base, a massive space station that just destroyed an entire planet and killed billions, but death kinda grossed him out, you know? Out of sight, out of mind. While fleeing the very icky grossness of Starkiller Base crumbling in half, a technological glitch forced his escape pod to crash-land on the wartorn moon of Endor. Mandetat’s soft-bodied, university-educated self couldn’t handle these forested wastelands well, especially not with all these dead teddy bears and leftover traps lying around. It wasn’t long before his clumsy footwork set off an old tripwire, crushing his skull between two logs.

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Barrow Oicunn

Once a Republic officer, Barrow Oicunn had worked his way up to commanding a Star Destroyer in the Empire’s service, where he spent his days killing hundreds of Rebel scum. He’d gotten this far through a grand power sometimes even stronger than the Force itself: sucking up. Getting personally congratulated by Emperor Palpatine himself seemed to be enough to motivate him to submit to any and every order that came his way. When the Empire fell, Oicunn left to escape on his personal starfighter, when he received a mysterious transmission commanding him to fly into the nearest star immediately. Not wanting to disappoint the remnants of Imperial authority, the Admiral complied, incinerating himself. It turns out the message actually came from the Rebels themselves. They seemed to have had him figured out completely.

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Chiraneau

As the Battle of Endor reached its conclusion, Chiraneau realized the Empire was losing (how they were losing to teddy bears was beyond him). Suddenly, the Executor began to collide into the Death Star II, which at this point made Chiraneau realize he needed to get the hell out of there. He was barely able to reach an escape pod during the chaos and got out by the skin of his teeth, watching the ensuing implosion behind him, all of his comrades dead. Chiraneau sobbed, vowing he’d get revenge on the Rebel terrorists. His escape pod then crashed onto Kef Bir, the Ocean Moon of Endor nearby. He looked at the large ocean before him, angry he had to be stuck here since he hated water. The debris of the Death Star II then began to crash down, as Chiraneau ran for cover. He ended up slipping on the wet ground, tripping over the escape pod and falling into the ocean, where he drowned since he couldn’t swim. Perhaps he would’ve been better off dying in a fiery explosion instead.

Tomorrow we'll take a look at several furry characters.

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EPISODE XXVII: EWOKS

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The Ewoks: one of the galaxy’s most beloved species, known for their plucky demeanor and countless merchandising tie-ins. Be sure to cuddle your favorite Ewok plushie when reading this—you’re about to hear an adorable tale of war, revolution, genocide, and mass slaughter.

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Kneesaa

After the Battle of Endor, Kneesaa became the new chief of Bright Tree Village, taking over from her father Chief Chirpa. This newfound power let her gain supreme authority over her fellow Ewoks. Modernization efforts from the New Republic helped her transform the whole moon into a high-tech Draconian police state, watching the Ewoks at every turn and incinerating them into fine dust if they ever stepped out of line. Literally 1984.

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Logray

Logray became the leader of the Yub Nub Resistance, a volunteer guerrilla army designed to fight against Chief Kneesaa’s tyranny. The two sides fought a horribly bloody war with sticks, rocks, and blasters until almost no one on either side remained. No one else in the galaxy really cared, though. It was kind of cute seeing those little guys fighting, to be honest.

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Chirpa

Chirpa trusted his daughter completely. After all, he’d been teaching her how to rule the right way for her whole life. What could she possibly mess up? He simply ignored news about vast suffering and unrest in his homeland as he soaked in some sun on a distant beach planet, working on the perfect golf swing.

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Teebo

Teebo had no time for any of this. If he was going to die, it wouldn’t be in this war. So the proud Ewok left his post as Kneesaa’s trusted shaman and fled into safety and obscurity, taking a few hundred refugees with him. For many years, knowledge of their whereabouts never surfaced until a New Republic investigation revealed they had survived—they had started a remote commune on Kashyyyk and lived in peace and quiet ever since. Somehow, the Wookiees couldn’t tell the difference.

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Pommet Warrick

Wicket, as one of the few survivors of the Great Ewok Civil War, raised his son in a much quieter Endor, which was now absolutely swamped in dead teddy bear corpses now. Despite this, Pommet lived a happy childhood, and felt inspired to do some fighting of his own after hearing about the heroes in the Resistance. And so the cycle of violence continued.

Tomorrow we’ll be exploring a furry, forest-dwelling species who lived in tribal societies in the trees.

...Wait, are we just covering Ewoks again? Stay tuned.

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