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Chemist Bob's Catastrophic Creations Cinema


Steel Sponge

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Oh, what's this? The fellow who personifies my very image has decided to let me shamelessly copy Jjs' Riffing Theater 3000 while making it into something of his own? It's that time that I give you all a proper, short introduction to myself, this series, and what it's all about. I am your host, the avatar of Steel Sponge that I'm sure you're all familiar with. Here at CBC3, I take a look at old writing from Steel that he is ashamed of having written. Jjs' old riffing series already got its job done in tearing apart Can You Please Past the Future and The Dark Side of the Herd, so this series will riff on anything else from said author that it hasn't riffed before. Of course, I am acting as his mouthpiece for this series, and I will review each of his works that will be covered with humorous jabs and as well as with critical feedback, and this is just scratching the surface.

The first thing that I will be diving right into later this month will be a spin-off titled Guru Gakuto. When the cinema will start opening up, I can't fully announce that, but I am working on the first set of riffs as we speak. Until later this month, I'll be seeing you all at the cinema.

Edited by Steel Sponge
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1. Welcome to the Cinema (Guru Gakuto; Episode 1)

 

Good evening to all. Welcome to the first installment of Chemist Bob’s Catastrophic Creations Cinema – CBC3 for short. As the title already suggests, the host is none than, yours truly, Chemist Bob. At the request of my fellow who embodies my very image, the aim of this show is to work my way through a select few works made by Steel Sponge that haven’t been torn apart before on the ol’ Jjs’ Riffing Theater, and of course, I’m talking about works of Steel’s in which they have been victims of a bad case known as…bad writing!

It is my job to analyze and riff these past horrors with Steel’s and I’s own brand of snark. My guiding force thought it would be best if this show starts off with a look back on a little spin-off named Guru Gakuto – 10-year old a spin-off that was once so great that it started a short-lived trend in the form of the DoodleBob-starred spin-off micogenre, if you could call it that. I’m just a visual metaphor used to personify the abstract concept of one particular SBC member, so I don’t write my own scripts.

Alright, back on topic with Guru Gakuto. It’s got an interesting description of story and characters, so let’s see what we’re going to expect out of this spin-off…

Plot: 12 years after Spongebob (2022),

Man, I feel so old reading that. It shocks me that we’re just a mere two years away from 2022 now. Will the events portrayed in this spin-off’s 2022 actually happen in the real world? Steel was far-off from what did happen in 2020 through his short-lived creation, Can You Please Past the Future, so I have my doubts.

Spongebob becomes mayor of Bikini Bottom.

Oh, the year 2010…that was the year boys became men, girls became women, and the year good ol’ author still didn’t have the decency to capitalize the ‘Bob’ in ‘SpongeBob.’ That’s quite a bit of disrespect to internet SpongeBob personas everywhere, myself included.

Then, an abandoned notebook drops into a magic cauldron, bringing DoodleBob back from the dead. As a return, DoodleBob decides to unleash Doodle Darkness in Bikini Bottom, and eventually erase the entire boundaries of Bikini Bottom, and then the whole ocean.

The heroes of this story plot to defeat the Doodle Darkness by using the powers of Doodle Light invested in them. Reconnect. Kingdom Hearts.

Following another backstory of 7 abandoned kids

I could’ve sworn that there was no other backstory addressed in this description.

which belonged to a hidden legend named Gakuto after their parents, including the kids themselves died, until Gakuto gave the kids pebbles of life.

This is the story of a group of kids that belonged to Gakuto after they and their parents died…until they were no longer dead.

After they were each resurrected, Gakuto hears that Bikini Bottom needed him. Gakuto disappears and separates his kids, who were resurrected in the sin circle. Spongebob now sends the pre-teens to find Gakuto and restore peace.

At this point, I could only wonder how this story is going to pan out. I’m concerned about the whole “sin circle” part, though. Anyways, let’s have a look at our cast of main characters.

Characters:

Sierra: Resurrected with Lust.

Alright, so we’re looking at a group of characters with personalities based off of the Seven Deadly Sins. I see where the author is getting at here. So, how can you go wrong with this?

The leader of the group, and has sudden crush with second in-command: Rick, but precisely in a "different" way.

And just like that, I am concerned. Sure, these kids were born into different respective families, but when it comes down to the fact that these seven were adopted into one big family, there’s one conclusion you can’t help but come to from these implications. Of course, the author was 15 at the time and didn’t know any better than to write a couple characters with incest implications. I’ve been informed that the author has been evolving as a writer, so I should know full well that what he wrote since those past ten years do not reflect the kind of writer he is now.

Rick: Resurrected with Wrath. Second in-command. Angry most of the time, as he rivaled with Mason ever since. Nothing else is known about him.

“Nothing else is known about him.” That’s the sentence that speaks to me, “I’m too lazy to say anything more about this character.”

Vivian: Resurrected with Sloth. Goes on adventures with the other six, but most of the time, she's really lazy to do so.

“And I’m too lazy to say anything more about this character,” the author may add.

Mason: Resurrected with Envy. Sometimes he's jealous, and has rivaled with Rick ever since, but he wants to be part of the in-crowd.

Gee, I thought this was a spin-off about a group of kids trying to find their adoptive father in a dystopian undersea world, not a spin-off about a group of kids dealing with school and trying to climb the social ladder.

Jonah: Resurrected with Greed. She wants like everything,

Like, that’s totes literally the whole world, in case you weren’t like feeling lowkey woke on how much of a queen this girl is.

and can be bratty at times, and no matter what, the others force her calm side.

“The others force her calm side”…? What’s that supposed to mean?

Theodore: Resurrected with Gluttoney.

Who is this “Gluttoney” you speak of?

Complains and talks about food, and sometimes hallucinates his sibs as a meal.

In other words, Theodore is implied to be into vore.

Jason: Resurrected with Pride. He has traits unknown to his own self;

Funny enough, his traits are also unknown to the author, which is why he didn’t write them.

Otherwise, he is respectful to the other six.

Okay, cool, but where does the characteristics of Pride come in for Jason, since he is the embodiment of that sin? No, nothing? We’re not even going to get descriptions telling us about the other important characters in this spin-off like DoodleBob, Gakuto, the other main villain, or even Mayor SpongeBob? Yeah, who cares about them, am I right? These seven characters are everything that you need to know about this spin-off. At the very least, some fellow members are on-board with how the story looks so far. This guy sure thinks so:

On 7/30/10 at 11:38 PM, Georgex Zimmerzuna said:

HOLY FUCKING SHIT!

 

I don't approve... Of this being one season. I DEMAND TWO! PLEASE!

 

This idea is just so unique, and I LOVE ideas focusing on the 7 Deadly Sins!

 

I hope this turns out to be AWESOME, because it seems liek it will be!

And this guy:

On 7/31/10 at 8:25 AM, Ron said:

 

^ This

 

 

I have a feeling this will be your best spin off ever and I CANNOT FUCKING WAIT to read it. 125508.gif

And this guy:

On 7/31/10 at 8:27 AM, Wumbo said:

Sounds like an awesome spin-off. I'll be tuning in. 125508.gif

And this guy:

On 7/31/10 at 8:27 AM, 70s said:

This will be your best work. Ever.

Apologies to all those that I have retroactively let down after riffing this spin-off. I won’t lie. The concept for this spin-off feels like it could be set up for a good story. It’s the writing in the story itself that matters most. So let’s not waste any more time, let’s dive right into the real meat of Guru Gakuto and have a look at the first episode.

 

1. Who is That Man?(festival episode)

That Man doesn't seem like someone familiar to me either. It's interesting to see the author add that this was part of a spin-off festival in the distant past. 

Not too long ago, there was once a legend;

Now wait a minute, isn’t something considered a legend when it dates back to hundreds or thousands of years? It feels pretty contradictory to consider someone or something a legend and flashback to events that happened “not too long ago.”

 a guru in mortal combat.

While I’m still at it, I should acknowledge that this is also contradicted later on in the story. Remember this for when I get to the final episode.

Everybody needed him.

The world needed him. Sandy needed him. Even Squidward needed him!

They called him...Gakuto.

How clever of the author to pause to establish the mysterious nature of this character, assuming that we don’t know this man already through the title of this spin-off.

Then a storm arrived.

At five sentences, I’m already seeing a problem with the story’s pacing. At least explain where this storm is taking place.

He kept hiding from the underwater world, the human world, he saw in crisis,

So, we’re not going to know about any other worlds that Gakuto has been hiding from? We’re going to skip right to another topic?

only seven kids, and their parents…in their journey to heaven. He altered the forms of the kids to keep.

Why not salvage the parents? What did those seven kids do to deserve being spared and pulled away from the afterlife? Why am I asking myself all these questions when I should know them since the author and I are am one?

He then found a place to resurrect. Due to a rush, he wasn’t in the right place.

I’d feel the same too when the spin-off is in such a rush to tell us the story about how Gakuto resurrected the seven main characters.

Before that, he found crystals in various labyrinths,

And he started cooking up some really fine meth.

carved them into pebbles, and bought an ancient resurrection tablet.

He bought it for just the low price of $19.95! (AND the tiger poster, as a gift!)

He finally arrived, and with those words, engraved in the tablet…

Excuse me, finally? In the context that it felt like a long journey for Gakuto to find a way to resurrect these souls, it makes sense, but I’m still on the first paragraph, and I sure didn’t anticipate for the part where Gakuto arrives at the resurrection spot.

“Sierra, give me Lust,” Gakuto slightly chanted.

That sounds pretty uncomfortable if you take it out the context.

He put in the next child in which they call the “Sin Circle.” “Rick, give me Wrath,” he continued, and as he put him in the circle. “Vivian, give me Sloth,” and Gakuto did the same. “Mason, give me Envy! Jonah, give me Greed! Theodore, give me Gluttony!

Ravioli, ravioli, help me bring back to life this childoli.

And to finish this, Jason: Neptune gifts you Pride!”

Huh, I guess Gakuto didn’t love the other six enough to give them Neptune’s blessing.

The circle was complete, with the pebbles of life attached. A bright light shined. They were alive!

They were alive! They were alive, with an exclamation point to tell you how much of a big deal that was, in case you didn’t know!

That was another story.

Yep, I guess we’re just going to sweep the rest of that backstory under the mat and move on to the main timeframe of this story.

Gakuto’s actions, responsibilities, courage, they all lead to the needs of many Bikini Bottomites. Eventually, they found and suffered great danger. Let’s go to the year of 2022, as we now enter Mayor Spongebob.

We enter Mayor SpongeBob…and? Don’t just make me assume that we’re literally entering inside him. Don’t make me have to think about that either.

Spongebob was in his limo was took a step on the yellow carpet.

Even back then, the author was prone to flying past some mistakes he could’ve proofread, like this one.

Spongebob was now 36. We also see his assistant Sandy Cheeks, and body-guard Patrick Star.

And I guess we’re not going to know anything else about the other two. For some reason, it was vital for the author to remind us that SpongeBob is 36 years old now in this story.

There was also flash photography everywhere.

Everywhere, you say? All those folks surrounding the outside of SpongeBob’s mayoral office must be making the view brighter than a rave party. Something important must be going on to warrant a scene where SpongeBob is shown with cameras all around him.

“Oh my goodness, it’s Mayor Spongebob!” Fish #1 in the crowd uttered.

I wouldn’t want to know what this guy’s Mayor SpongeBob Stan Twitter account looks like.

“Don’t worry folks, the mayor is doing his job,” said Spongebob. He then closed the door to his hall and was now writing a treaty.

Looks like it my hunch was right, only a few paragraphs into this time period, and we already see SpongeBob ending some kind of war with another undersea province.

“Mr. Squarepants sir, these are some old collectables,” one of the body-guards said.

The author also didn’t seem to have the decency to capitalize the ‘p’ in ‘SquarePants.’ Also, I believe you meant to spell ‘collectibles.’

”Just set them there, I’ll un-pack in a few hours,” Spongebob replied. With that, they left Spongebob alone.

Now we see an old, evil, and bad looking doodle,

You mean bad as in lousy, or bad as in evil, which was what you had already previously described of this doodle?

which was known to be DoodleBob, assistant Sandy Cheeks was having a chat with Spongebob about benefits of her new magic cauldron, she left it there, and a book dropped on the floor.

The magic cauldron did it.

Spongebob put it back in the shelf where the old collectables were. A little bit of wind slipped the evil further to the magic cauldron, and BOOM! Spongebob didn’t noticed.

I didn’t ‘noticed’ either.

As DoodleBob returned to life, he fled the courtroom,

This is telling me that Mayor SpongeBob’s office is actually inside a courthouse, along with the thought that all the stuff lying around is because SpongeBob has a real office waiting for him and he’s not done with moving. It would make sense to sign a peace treaty there though.

working on a deviously evil plan.

“After 10,000 years, I’m free! It’s time to conquer Earth!”

A few days later, there was a cloud of ink,

So Mayor SpongeBob just didn’t try to stop DoodleBob from escaping and getting started with his evil plan? Well, this is nothing to worry about, folks. The mayor is just doing his job, like he said.

and Spongebob couldn’t believe his eyes.

*Resists urge to make an Owl City reference*

With that, he called a town meeting.

“Ladies, gentleman: there’s something fishy going on here!” Spongebob announced.

”Well, what is it?” Fish #2 said.

Mayor SpongeBob: “That’s a good question, Fish #2.”

“I think its bad enough for Squidward to do “that,” but this one’s serious,” Spongebob continued.

I’d honestly like to know all about Squidwardgate more than I’d want to know what happened after your assistant’s magic cauldron freed DoodleBob.

“Spongebob, there has been a major situation with my cauldron,” Sandy said to him. She then showed surveillance footage of DoodleBob leaving the courtyard.

Oh yeah, that’s right, as I should already tell from that last “SpongeBob didn’t noticed” sentence, even she didn’t hear the all-caps boom with an exclamation point. So much for this magic cauldron we know very little about having benefits for the good in life, huh?

“DoodleBob…how…is that even possible?” Spongebob thought.

“It was the cauldron, genius!” Squidward said from the crowd.

Thanks for answering the question that I would’ve answered myself.

“Aw man, my evil drawing has been cleverer than I thought…” said Spongebob.

I’m pretty sure you and Sandy have played yourselves into this situation.

”You think? It didn’t happen deliberately,” said Sandy.

”There’s got to be someone strong enough to take him down!” Spongebob thought.

“Maybe there is,” said Mr. Krabs, as he appeared on a wheelchair.

Ah yes, the classic “so old now they have to use a wheelchair” character cliché.

 “Gakuto, Spongebob. Try and find that legend,” he suggested.

”Count on me Eugene, I’ll try and get contact with him,” Spongebob replied. He then appeared in his office, at nighttime. “Operator, I need to reach…Gakuto.”

When literally the whole ocean needs Gakuto, it makes sense that he would have to make his dues by opening up a hotline of his own. For someone who is hard to find once as he vanishes in a puff of smoke, he’s easy to get contact of.

The next day arrived, and this time, at Gakuto’s scene.

Gakuto: This time is MY time.

“The world needs me…they need me too much,” Gakuto thought as he saw many Bikini Bottomites in far distance, chanting for him to save the ocean. He then turned to his seven kids. “So I wouldn’t get harmed, you seven are all in-charge.”

How bold of him to announce that he’s going incognito from society…to the public around him. Unless those fish in the far distance don’t have super hearing, Gakuto would have to be lucky if more problems haven’t arisen because of him announcing his departure in-person with people there to watch.

“What’s that suppose to mean? You were always here for us,” said Jonah.

Gakuto: I cannot handle the life of a celebrity, and therefore I must leave you all behind on your own.

“Indeed, you all continue your lives without me, I’m fleeing the perimeter,” Gakuto continued.

If there’s something I should already be made aware of the author’s old writing style, it’s his tendency to sugarcoat dialogue that would only end up not sounding like something anyone would normally say. For sure, this isn’t the only rare sentence I’ll be seeing from this spin-off.

“Does that mean you’ll come back?” Sierra asked.

He’s going someplace where most dads disappear to. I wouldn’t count on it that he’ll be back as soon as you’d think.

“I’m afraid to say that I would never come back until there are no more concerns, that I have to fix,” Gakuto replied. “Take care of yourselves; I know you’ll all be alright.” Gakuto then ran south from Bikini Bottom’s city limits.

”I can’t believe it, whose idea was it to spread words like that?” Jason thought.

This guy knows what he’s doing more-so than the so-called legend himself.

 “We’re moving forward, we need to investigate Bikini Bottom.”

”Well, I don’t want to go; I heard it’s a horrible city,” said Jonah. All seven eventually arrived at Bikini Bottom and saw Spongebob.

You can’t always have what you wish for.

“Something tells me you all know Gakuto,” Spongebob said as he saw the pebbles of life.

Either they gave away so much to you or you assume it right away that a group of people have to do with Gakuto whenever you see seven kids with pebbles tied around their necks.

“What are you talking about? You saying you caused all this?” Rick asked.

“Eugene convinced me to do so,” Spongebob replied.

“Well that’s a relief, because now, I WANNA LITERALLY SLIT HIS-“said Rick;

Now take it easy there, Nostalgia Critic.

Sierra halted them. “Explain more.”

By ‘them,’ you mean just Rick unless the other fellows weren’t holding themselves back too.

“Are you all friends with Gakuto?” Spongebob asked.

“He’s the reason why we feel like family, but not anymore,” Jonah answered.

Man, Gakuto disappearing from his adopted kids took quite a toll on them. Some father figure he is.

“Pretty convenient to see the relatives of Gakuto right here if I needed one, your mission is to find Gakuto to stop this madness,” said Spongebob.

How exactly is that convenient for you, besides being able to tell them to carry out the mission you’re assigning them?

“What madness, talking about the foggy clouds in the distance?” Vivian said referring to the ink clouds DoodleBob caused.

“Introduce yourselves and let it rip,” Spongebob replied.

Okay…but I’m not used to saying this at all…hi I’m Chemist Bob, and my favorite kind of gas is the kind that combines carbon dioxide, hydrogen, and methane! I can show you that right now.

“I’m Rick, someone who can easily tear someone from limb to limb,” said Rick. “This loser here is Mason.” Rick then showed Spongebob the next guy.

Rick must’ve been getting his cues from all those bad SBC Lit portrayals of ExKizuna. Then again, wrath is defined as extreme anger.

“So, I hear you’re the mayor, pretty damn lucky,” Mason commented.

Sure, thanks, carry on,” said Spongebob.

Mayor SpongeBob: Oh, you want to be a mayor like me? Well I don’t give a flapdoodle. Who are the other kids?

“So much food…” said another kid known as Theodore.

“Hmm, this food-loving dude is Theodore,” said Sierra.

“I’m better referred to as Theo Mazing Cheese. So, where’s the food?” He asked.

Please tell me this is the only bad pun that this spin-off has for me to deal with.

“Theo, this is mayor Spongebob, and for god’s sake, you’ve eaten breakfast an hour ago,” said Jonah.

Comedy gold.

“That’s what you always say, so nice to meet you-“Theodore then looked at Spongebob. “Aha! A snack, I’m a lucky man!” Theo then started chasing Spongebob.

Vore humor, that’s more “comedy gold” right there.

“Wait, I’m not a snack, I’m a human being!” Spongebob exclaimed,

That is a filthy lie. He’s not a human being either. I know you were fifteen at the time, author, but how can you make such a simple mistake as that?

“The rest of you hurry up before he eats me.”

Or…you know, you could tell the other six to get Theo to control himself.

“Hey there, my name’s Jonah, because I want them too.

Once again, what kind of sentence is that?

NOW WHERE’S THE MONEY?!” She exclaimed.

“I don’t know how this works out, but Eugene’s got the money, okay?” Spongebob replied. “So far, things are already getting out of hand,” he thought to himself.

What is this conversation even about anymore? Isn’t this just supposed be Gakuto’s seven adopted and resurrected kids introducing themselves to the mayor?

“Come back here, snack!” Theo exclaimed.

“I’m Jason, in fact, I can do anything, I’m a reasonable guy,” Jason introduced.

Jason: And even though I was reborn with the sin of Pride, I am also really bland.

“Hello Jason, finally there’s at least someone who doesn’t have problems,” Spongebob replied.

“You sir look like an alright guy Spongebob, I’m Sierra,” she introduced.

I could’ve asked this question beforehand, but this is the point where I should do so. What kind of early teens child talks like this, let alone say to someone “You sir look like an alright guy.”?

“Hello there Sierra, I can get used to these two,” Spongebob thought. “Who’s the last gal?” He then referred to Vivian.

”Come on Vivian, your cue’s up,” said Sierra.

Don’t mind her, she’s just on her lunch break, which is what I should be on right about now.

“Okay fine, my name’s Vivian, thank you and good-bye,” she introduced carelessly, and continued loafing.

Top quality character introduction.

“Now, this is how things will go, Sierra will lead, while the rest of you try to control yourselves, except Jason,” said Spongebob. “And it will all start as long as Theo stays away from me,” he added.

Sierra held onto Theo, and told him, “uptight, everything’s alright Theo, there will be food.”

That sentence is foreshadowing to one episode with a similar title, but I don’t know why we needed that Stevie Wonder reference. Perhaps Sierra is a fan.

Spongebob then wished them good luck and the scene now looks blurry like an ending flashback, it fades into the seven pre-teens being shown in the forest.

That transition ran off too fast that it beat Sonic the Hedgehog to Green Hill Zone.

“I’m not sure if finding a legend can really pay off,” Mason thought.

“I doubt he’ll ever pay us,” said Vivian.

Nope, we’re still at it with the puns, but at least I was able to handle this one better than “Theo Mazing Cheese.”

“Right now, we’re in the Kelp Forest, you all sure he’s here?” Sierra said.

Because I know there are nineteen more episodes of this spin-off, I already doubt that.

“I regret nothing, we would be damned for like forever if we don’t find him,” Rick replied.

“No frets, my instincts tell me Gakuto can be anywhere, and this is the turning point,” said Jason.

If this is what you call the turning point, then I say you’re still far behind.

“Whatever, and hey look, a journal…” said Sierra, the seven kids found a journal in a coral stump and went close to it.

That’s one way to hook the readers for the next episode.

Thus, this was the beginning. The search for someone they cared about. Someone who cared for them dearly,

I have my doubts about that last part.

 and indeed this man was...Gakuto.

Again, do we need that pause? Is this character that important to warrant one? Of course, that is what the author wants me to think.

To be continued...

That was episode one. That wasn’t so bad, but still it’s got its fair share of writing problems. We got two seasons to get through, with the last one being shorter, while there’s nineteen more episodes altogether to go through.

To wrap up this installment of CBC3, here's a little segment I'd like to call...

RANDOM CHARACTER SPOTLIGHT OF THE EPISODE:

FISH #1 AND FISH #2:
What we know about them so far: They are born with these names. The first one would die for Mayor SpongeBob. The second one likes asking questions.
Information I could add about them: One of their favorite pastimes is waiting outside Mayor SpongeBob's office until he seems them. Fish #1 has one too many pieces of Mayor SpongeBob memorabilia in his own room. Fish #2 was voted most likely to suck eggs in High School. 
Will we be seeing them again?: Doubtful

Edited by Steel Sponge
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2. In Which the Author Got Higher Than a Mountain (Guru Gakuto; Episodes 2 & 3)

 

Welcome back to the cinema, fellow readers. I’m the host Chemist Bob, and today I will be going through two episodes of the show’s current target: Guru Gakuto. In other words, this evening will be a double feature, and I’ll be starting off this installment with…

 

2.The Journal

Or...The Episode Title Template

“So...a journal is all I see,” said Rick.

Well, I also see a Captain Obvious at the scene.

”Well, let’s take a peek, maybe there’s a clue,” said Sierra.

“No! I saw this in a movie once, it’s suspicious to find something like that in a forest,” said Mason.

You know, you may be right. That journal could actually be a Death Note.

“I’m the leader here, so I’m going to read,” Sierra then grabbed the journal and started to read.

Sierra seems to put her own leadership role on quite a pedestal if she decides to make it the leader’s priority to even read things. In fact, why could I continue riffing when I could let Sierra do the rest of the work for me?

“February 13th, 2019,

Oh hey, a date that had actually happened. What matter of events has the author written for this moment?

I had an unexpected relationship with a legend. He was an old friend of mine; he was heroic, talented, and quite the fighter. There he lays me, alone in this forest, it gives out many memories.

Oh, if it’s Gakuto-related, it’s little of my concern, but hey, this is some fine freestyle poetry.

Together, it was like a cropfield of most of the kelp in this forest.

One thing I should mention is that this entire journal entry is all part of a pretty big wall of text, for those unprepared with the spin-off going 4EverGreen on us for one moment.

It gives eternal light shining my personality.

I repeat: who talks like this? How much longer do I need to sustain the author’s sugarcoated wordplay?

Gakuto risks for anything.

Legend has it that Gakuto would even risk his life for a Klondike bar.

He also kind of told me about his seven siblings.

Yeah, ‘kind of,’ let’s go with that.

I thought to myself it was going to be fascinating to see them one day. Later on, with Gakuto discharged with our duties, I lie alone in this forest. Here I am, once again

Don’t know whether I should make a Kelly Clarkson or a Victorious reference at this point.

Gakuto, wishing you luck. It was raining rigidly, and I had this journal, keeping our memories in here together. I’ve already known, the bond was starting to break.

And it took you one day to write him off like that if I were to believe that he left you in this kelp forest the same day you’re writing all this in your journal?

Gakuto was a lively man, who has given up. I called the spirits of this forest to keep me company. They only existed in my belief.

What ‘belief’ exactly, unless you mean to say they only exist in your imagination?

The tide was officially broken with Gakuto walked up to me, and thoroughly decided to leave me behind in the cropfield.

Forest – I lie alone. Food and water supply scarce. It’s snowing on Mt. Fuji.

This spot lays my journal, once I finish.

…Or until Sierra completely gets the point of your whole debacle. No? Carry on, then…

Then came stage two of great depression,

In one day? Jesus…

all but anyone noble beside me. I continued cleaning the slate, thinking of my future about my bond with the legend known as Gakuto.

Between you and Gakuto, you should already know by now that you don’t have a future.

The forest spirits have changed me: they all become my self-conscience. So far, in stage three, I have been munching on my own plants, keeping warmth, and staying health.

I should already reckon that the guy writing this journal is in a hurry to write all this stuff up or he’s just not very good at grammar to write things like ‘staying health.’

My thoughts were clear, and the main idea was to revenge on Gakuto’s active situation: his seven kids. As from this point, my purpose is to liberate his seven kids.

If by liberate you mean release, then consider that goal of yours already taken care of.

If anyone, I mean anyone reads this, I am watching you, deciding judgment on whom to inflict an eternal curse in this here forest. My personality was bitter sweet, all due to this type of desolation. I’m wishing you all bad luck.”

And then Sierra shrugs it all off as she doesn’t know what most of those words meant.

The entry ended abruptly as Sierra sees a shredded page.

And you expect me to believe that all of this transpired in one day?

“I have a bad feeling about this,” said Mason.

”Oh come on, it’s just a curse, and I doubt it will pass on,” Sierra replied.

Sierra: It might kill us, but come on, what’s the big deal about a curse anyways?

“All I know is reading kills, period.” Rick stated.

I don’t know about you, but I’m still very much alive.

Suddenly, the group spies a 20,000lb SUV in the middle of the forest.

Okay…I’m no automobile expert, but I can assure the author’s past self that there’s no such thing as an SUV that weights that much.

They now saw the vehicle starting and it chased after them. When the vehicle was 5 feet close to them, it stopped.

So it was just parked there for some reason? Was the driver waiting endlessly for the moment where he sees seven people with Pebbles of Life reading an abandoned journal in the forest?

“What the hell do you want, stranger?!” Rick said angrily.

Oh, how unfortunate the implications of this scene I’m thinking of being right now.

“All of you get in! Horacio’s orders,” said the SUV driver.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Stop stalling, we’re on a mission to find a legend!” Jonah exclaimed.

“Everybody in the car before I commence doing it the hard way,” He replied.

Please don’t make me think about it, story. You’re making it harder for me to make a good joke about a stranger…with an SUV that I may as well call his white van…capturing children.

Theo kicked his leg while Sierra, Jason, and Jonah started running off.

Theo: That’s my purse!

His feet were no match for the seven pre-teens.

I don’t even want to think about that guy’s feet.

The driver, identified as Curtis, grabbed Jason first.

Possibly no one is going to ever acknowledge this SUV-driving child kidnapper working in cahoots with a guy named Horacio by name so here is his name anyways.

He managed to get Jason inside the backseat. Curtis grabbed Sierra next. She was kicking one of the car doors, trying to escape Curtis’ clutches.

She couldn’t make her mind up on whether she should take the front or back seat.

All but Vivian tried to tug Sierra away, but she ended up inside the car.

Whilst accommodating to her useless protagonist role very well, or perhaps a little too well.

Curtis was about to grab Theo. Basically, Theo was gnawing on his head, while the other four ran for it.

Cannibalistic humor saves the day, all thanks to Theo.

Curtis got back inside his SUV and drove off with Jason and Sierra.

“Okay, that was drastically out of nowhere,” said Rick.

And that’s the tea, speaking of which, it’s time I indulge myself in a long sip from a hot cup of the stuff to remind myself of how true that statement was. *long sip*

“There’s bad luck raging inside us, I knew it was real!” Mason said sounding surprised.

“Shut up Mason, curses are just like North Dakota, Bigfoot…and a bunch of other mythical crap!” Rick exclaimed.

Oh but Rick, you’d never know if Gakuto is actually hiding in the so-called non-existent North Dakota, or looking for Bigfoot in that same place.

“I’ve been in this family for like ten years now, and I still hate on you!” Mason replied.

“Okay, you guys are making it worse!” Jonah said.

“All I know is that I believe that stranger is a familiar descendant of the writer of that journal!” Mason said.

“Whoever he is, I just feel like executing the living hell out of him, but now…” tears then started to form around Jonah’s face.

Jonah as an executioner…that’s not too hard to imagine, actually.

 “Sierra, Jason…I can’t just believe they’re gone!” Jonah continued to bawl, while we see Sierra walking by.

“Jonah, what’s the matter?” Sierra asked.

Sierra: Excuse me fellas, I was just taking a stroll when I heard that some girl named Sierra got captured by some stranger. Was that girl me?

“It was you…and Jason,” Jonah was still talking breathlessly and depressingly. “That guy…he took…he took you and Jason away!”

“Oh Jonah, as leader of this scavenger hunt, I don’t let anybody down!” Sierra replied.

Except that Jason kid that you couldn’t save for whatever reason.

“I snuck out of that truck, if you were kind of wondering.”

Sierra: That stranger could’ve used brute force to prevent me from escaping, but that’s not a problem, he probably didn’t see me making my exit anyways.

“Sierra, he didn’t take you away, don’t do that again!” Jonah exclaimed.

“I hope. Bad news is, Jason is taken away by some stranger, and I know the journal was the source of this situation!”

Again, why didn’t you save Jason when you had a chance to!?

“I doubt it was the journal, it kind of happened inconveniently,” said Rick.

“Let’s keep moving on, so we can find some more answers!” Sierra vowed.

And leave Jason behind? Yeah, I’d reconsider re-electing the leader for this group. Sorry Mayor SpongeBob, you’ve made a wrong choice.

“Hmm…and I wonder who the Horacio person he was talking about is,” Theo wondered.

The scene goes to Jason inside the SUV.

“Oh god, where am I?” Jason thought to himself.

Jason clearly hasn’t had the experience of riding inside a 20,000lb SUV before.

“Welcome to Afghuppistan son,” Curtis said. Jason stepped out of the SUV, and saw many of his soldiers in his base. He was later seen in a place called the Prisoner’s Essential Territory.

P.E.T.. Good one, author.

“I don’t know what that man’s up to, but this is crazy,” said Jason in a bed bunk.

It’s not as crazy as the setup for the episode’s plot.

“Hey there, I think you must be Jason!” Someone said as she approached Jason.

That’s quite a hunch for someone that the character has never met.

”Whoa, who are you?!” Jason said as he jumped.

“Come on, I won’t nibble, mate. I’m Shazza Flores,” she introduced.

Oh hey Shazza from one of the author’s other spin-offs, Z-Storm, which was then reinvented into Red Flag Savior: Rebirth of a Storm, fancy seeing you in this spin-off.

“Okay then, my name’s Jason. I came from six other siblings,” he replied. “Oh man, I really need to get out of here!”

Hey, let’s not change the subject as fast as that.

“We can’t, this is Afghuppistan. And it’s part of Horacio’s orders,” Shazza replied back.

“Who’s this Horacio person?” Jason asked.

“I can’t just talk, this is a dangerous place, and…if we each get out of this jail cell, I guess I can tell you.”

Well, what’s stopping you from spilling it out inside a jail cell? Is Horacio or one of his comrades guarding the unit and will kill you on the spot if you speak ill of him?

The scene was now focused on the six pre-teens.

“I’m telling you all, it was a strange curse! We’re all cursed!” Mason exclaimed.

If the movie with the strange abandoned journal in the forest dealt with an otherwise strange curse, I’m willing to bet the curse just made Mason delirious.

“It was not! Sierra, you have anything to set up a tent?” Rick said.

“Wait, you want to make a tent, together?” Sierra asked.

What I think she meant to ask was, “Wait, we were supposed to set up camp?” Of course, this was a not-too subtle hint about Sierra’s feelings towards Rick, but I’d rather ignore implications of the like while going through this spin-off.

“Not where I’m getting at, but let’s just make one, before another suspicious enemy arrives in our sight!” Rick replied.

Rick: And with another suspicious 20,000lb SUV!

“I can’t believe Jason got taken away though…” Jonah thought.

”Wow, and I can’t believe it’s only been two episodes,” said Vivian.

Hey look, someone just broke the fourth wall, now laugh!

After a while, the tent was finally made, and they were fast asleep. The time switches to six AM, as we see Jason and Shazza during their first routine.

“This place just makes me sick Shazza,” Jason whispered.

A sick Shazza is an unusual way to self-describe you, but I already know that this is because the author just forgot to add a coma.

“I know, it will take a few days to devise a plan to get out of here mate,” Shazza replied.

A bell rang, and we saw DoodleBob walking by.

“It’s that doodle…he caused these shenanigans?” Jason thought.

Someone give this guy an award for figuring that out no later than anyone else.

“Okay soldiers, our headmaster Horacio will be here humanizing you all in a few days, right now, I’m in-charge for today, and we should begin with a special training session,” DoodleBob announced, with sophisticated speech.

His sophisticated speech doesn’t seem as sophisticated as the way that sentence was structured.

“I know how Mason feels now,” Jason thought.

Yeah, I’d feel pretty obsessed about curses too if I was taken and settled into a prison camp out of the blue.

“And I especially want to see some effort from you, seventh son of Gakuto,” DoodleBob said to Jason.

”So DoodleBob is not the lone enemy?” Jason thought to himself.

Make it two honorary awards for figuring out something so simple so late. 

Jason and Shazza then appeared in their territory.

And so as to let everyone else know that it is their own territory, they marked all over it by instinct.

“Son of a legend named Gakuto? We have to get out of here, fast!” Shazza said.

Shazza sounds like she wants to get as far away from Jason as possible. I’d like to know her reasons.

”I know, and I’m guessing this Horacio person is going to keep us imprisoned here forever, when he comes back,” said Jason. “I hope my brothers and sisters are okay…”

The scene then goes to the six near a mountain.

I hope you fellows are enjoying these rushed scene transitions. Knowing the author, I expect to see more of these.

“There’s a possibility Gakuto is farther from there,” Mason thought.

Aren’t you all also focusing on trying to get one of your adoptive siblings back too?

“Whatever, we’re climbing that thing!” Sierra vowed.

Indeed it was stage two, the second stage noting our heroes in depression.

Oh hey, that means that were as a curse in this forest after all once they enter stage three, if it means they’ll eventually start talking to spirits, go mad, and turn their backs against Gakuto.

With Jason gone...there's no telling if the ocean will be in great danger.

He’s a ticking time bomb that no one is expecting, but we all may as way take it for granted that whatever happens to him, he could change the lives of everyone all across the ocean.

To be continued...

That was episode two. While the first one was also very clumsy with its writing, it showed that the spin-off had some potential to be something great. This episode is an example of not being able to make up for such promise. Before moving on to the next episode, let’s take a close look at the notes for this one…

-------------------------

NOTES/TRIVIA:

Characters(so far): Sierra, Rick, Vivian, Mason, Jonah, Theo, Jason, DoodleBoob, Mayor Spongebob, Gakuto.

DoodleBoob!? Gahahahaha what, who’s DoodleBoob!? He said DoodleBoob! Again, again, sorry people. Hey, you know what? How about I make that the topic for this segment’s installment of…

RANDOM CHARACTER SPOTLIGHT OF THE EPISODE

DOODLEBOOB:
What we know about them so far: Actually a typo for ‘DoodleBob.’ Presumably, this character is a doodle with one boob or two.
Information I could add about them: DoodleBoob could be the illegitimate sibling of DoodleBob given their similar names.
Will we be seeing them again?: Despite my hopes and the claim from the notes that a character named ‘DoodleBoob’ was in this episode, we’ll never be seeing this character at all.

 

--CBC3’s TEN-SECOND INTERMISSION--
This has been the show’s ten-second intermission. Let’s now cue the last segment of this double feature.

 

3.Ain't No Mountain Adventure High Enough

Ain’t no valley adventure low enough, ain’t no river adventure wide enough, etc. Also, for someone who isn’t an open book on old school soul music at the time, the author seems to have had the knack to make a couple references to music of the like.

“Okay, I never asked for anything as high as “that,” said Jonah referring the mountain.

It’s just too easy to make a drug-related joke at this point.

“It’s possible that Gakuto around there, let’s climb that mountain!” Sierra vowed. Their feet have now touched the rocky surface. “Gloves!”

“Check,” said Mason.

Gee, this dialogue sure does sound familiar, doesn’t it?

“Hats,” Sierra called out.

“Check,” said Theo.

“Panties,” Sierra continued.

Thanks, now I hate that word more than your typical Sam Puckett does.

“Um…check,” said Jonah.

“Now Jonah, climb and secure our rope,” Sierra commanded.

Hey look, we’re referencing SpongeBob, the series that this story is spun off from! Don’t you people like SpongeBob!?

“Good times, good times,” Rick muttered and continued climbing the sturdy hill.

You mean this isn’t the first time you and your adoptive siblings decided to climb a mountain while speaking in SpongeBob quotes?

“I’m on it Sierra,” Jonah replied.

”Jonah, you’re too ahead, your just too high from us!” Sierra said.

“How long are they going to keep this up?” Rick thought to himself and ignored them again.

For a while, trust me.

“Jonah, please acclimate,” Mason called out.

She will once as he figures out what the word acclimate means.

“I’ll be easy when I’m dead!

Amusing how you say this as someone who died one time.

 I’m shaking hands with Neptune, living the dream, oh yeah, woohoo!” Jonah exclaimed.

“Ugh, this is why I hate hiking,” Vivian thought to herself.

My feelings are mutual.

“I am the lizard king!” Jonah continued.

Someone get The Doors back together because I think we’ve found ourselves a viable replacement for Jim Morrison. If all else fails though, we could always give Jim (and also Ray Manzarek) a Pebble of Life.

“Jonah, where are you Jonah? We should keep our voices down, or else we can cause an avalanche!” Sierra cried.

“What is it Sierra, I couldn’t hear you!” Jonah said.

“We should keep our voices down, in case of an avalanche, that’s what she said!” Mason exclaimed.

I don’t think you’re doing that joke justice, Mason.

“What should we keep down?” Jonah asked, not getting the memo.

You should keep down the SpongeBob references if I were to make a suggestion.

“Assholes,” Rick muttered.

Watch your bloody language.

“OUR VOICES!” Sierra exclaimed.

“SHUT UP!” Vivian said real loud.

ALL CAPS!

Unfortunately, it caused an avalanche. Sierra, Mason, Theo, and Mason were screaming while the rocks came falling, they were at the half point of the mountain now. Vivian and Rick saw them bawling.

And thus their mountain climbing adventure has ended in a tragedy.

“Sierra, are you okay?” Vivian asked.

A character establishing moment worthy of a spot on the Now That’s What I Call Character Development album.

Another avalanche came and hurdled to the same people, the four were back at the start of the mountain. In addition, they became somewhat chilly.

I don’t think we needed that last, weird sentence, but hey, you got to compensate for the lack of a good, original first half for your episode somehow.

“Don’t worry Mason, the chopper is on they way,” Sierra said and pointed a chopper above them.

Apologies to any fellow Jamaicans, but because of the way it’s written “the chopper is on they way,” I can’t read this without imaging Sierra putting on a Jamaican accent.

“Sierra, my legs are frozen and stiff, you need to cut them off, with something like a saw,” Mason replied.

Is this part of the whole curse that he’s been blubbering on about?

“I cannot do that Mason,” Sierra replied. “I already cut off my own arms with a jackknife.”

“The horror!” Theo exclaimed.

Lazy writing that’ll give The Killer Krab a run for its money is indeed horrifying.

Eventually, Vivian and Rick came down. “What do you guys think you’re doing?” Vivian asked.

I was thinking the same exact thing.

“Relax, I thought we can add some drama a little bit,” Sierra answered.

Well, you didn’t do a good job at that.

“Doing something as lousy as admitting you’ve cut off your own arms won’t bring our second youngest brother back!” Vivian said.

I don’t what witty response I can give this, she’s got a point.

“And can’t believe this is the saddest intention of climbing that mountain again,” said Rick.

Was Rick sedated when he said this sentence? Of course, the better question would be how high the author was when he was writing this. Higher than the mountain, I presume.

“He’s right; we should put aside this story and climb it again!” Sierra vowed. No one cheered.

 “Thanks, but I’m still not happy,” said Rick.

[Everyone disliked that.]

“Come on Rick, maybe I can comfort you all the way,” said Sierra. Rick went back to climbing the mountain, “Worth a shot.”

“Look, we appreciate you like this, but be less convincing,” said Vivian.

Once again, who talks like this???

Meanwhile, the scene is cut to Spongebob’s office, he was there with Sandy.

“This is beyond preposterous,” Spongebob said when he saw his radar results. “Gakuto’s search data is totally classified.”

Apparently that is a bigger issue than…I don’t know, Doodle Darkness?

”Look, we can’t just keep relying on Gakuto, there are his kids, and they’re bound to find him,” said Sandy.

“Well, my evil and nostalgic drawing of DoodleBob is causing much more trouble,

He caused trouble so you don’t have to.

 and caused enough, there’s no telling what’s next up his sleeve,” Spongebob replied.

“Look, we’re free and we can do anything we want, it’s not like evil is going to burst through the ceiling,” she replied back. Just then, DoodleBob and Horacio busted the ceiling.

DoodleBob: Oh SpongeBob, I’ m respecting your privacy by knocking but asserting my authority as your creation by coming in anyway!

“You have to say that,” Spongebob said.

“Who are you, and what do you want?” Sandy asked, looking at Horacio.

“Oh nothing, me and your creation are just having fun roaming this ocean,” Horacio replied.

Horacio: So I guess you can say that I just dropped by to rub it in your faces.

“What kind of intention do you have to get you and DoodleBob into this mess?” Spongebob asked.

“Nothing,

Is that going to be your answer for everything?

we’re just busy plotting to erase this whole ocean and create our own world, where you’ll all cease to exist,” said Horacio.

“Why, and…who are you?!” Spongebob still doesn’t get it.

I don’t either.

“I’m Horacio, just a little enhancements with your creation, nothing can stop me, this was all possible for one reason,” Horacio said, and took out an artifact from Spongebob’s office.

“A giant eraser? I had that in my office earlier!” Spongebob said.

“It was all thanks to your little secretary’s magical cauldron, one little dap caused this to be no ordinary eraser.

‘Dap.’ Verb: fish by letting the fly bob lightly on the water without letting the line touch the water.

You’ll all be surprised on what this little contraption can do!” Horacio then used it to erase one of Spongebob’s paper work, with a pile of paper-like ash falling over.

“Hey, I was working on that!” Spongebob exclaimed.

Mayor SpongeBob’s unfinished paperwork has had the most tragic death on this spin-off so far.

“Spongebob, you little oaf, Horacio found me, and is now mine, and he’s here to benefit this place into a “better” world,” said DoodleBob.

Oh no, air quotes! Anything but that! Now I’m under the impression that DoodleBob is contradicting himself!

“So let’s get this straight, Horacio stole an artifact from Spongebob’s office, put it in a cauldron, and when no one wasn’t looking, you used your little weapon to chip off part of one of his shelves to bring him to life,” Sandy thought.

It was all part of a clever ploy by making the first episode blame the wind for this misfortune.

“Of course, smart one,” DoodleBob said.

“In need of a master, I found him, it’s a long story though,” said Horacio. “And part of this tale has to do with your precious Gakuto.”

“What’s that suppose to mean? Tell us!” Spongebob said.

“Gakuto, we’ve been enemies for a long time! He calls this his world, and what can be better than trying to wreck these dreams by creating a disastrously new one!” Horacio explained.

So I guess DoodleBob really meant “better” when he decided to air quote it. Also, generic, vague evil motive just to remind us how evil this guy is, moving on…

“He has more dreams wrecked himself,” said DoodleBob.

Now I’m curious about that, but of course, like the ol’ lackey said, it’s a long story.

“And I was thinking, who should be my new prisoner?” Horacio said pacing.

“You have a confinement?” Spongebob said surprised.

“Definitely, even better is that we have Jason in custody,” Horacio replied.

Horacio bragging about this is like bragging about catching a rare Pokemon, from how I’m viewing this.

“Well, you did fail to get the rest of the six!” Spongebob said.

I don’t think tempting Horacio to capture all seven of Gakuto’s kids isn’t going to do you any favors, dear Mayor.

“But that’s just the beginning, I’m thinking about incarcerating either you or your secretary next.”

”Oh no, you would not!” Sandy said.

“My fault, you two are worthless for this,

Horacio: It’s just a prank, bro!

 but count on it, I’ll get all seven,” Horacio said and left the scene with DoodleBob.

“Who is that guy?” Spongebob thought to himself.

He just explained himself right in front of you. Are you deaf, or are you acting like you never asked to meet him? If it’s the latter, I would feel the same way.

“Well, let’s forget about this Horacio business, and besides, we have a free day!” Sandy said.

Hey, I know you’re feeling anxious about Gakuto’s kids, but let’s seize the day, right now, whether you want to or not!

Around four o’clock pm, Spongebob and Sandy were in a forest, having fun, and started a picnic.

I suppose the fun that isn’t specified is some hot sponge on squirrel action.

“So…Sandy,” said Spongebob.

“Come on, we need something to release our troubles, like a picnic,” Sandy replied.

“But Jason…I hope he’s okay though,” Spongebob thought and ate a sandwich.

Man, thinking about all the problems we’re dealing with in this world sure are making me hungry.

Suddenly, Sandy’s phone started to ring.

“Hello?” Sandy said over her phone. “What, but what about Spongebob? You see…you serious? I’ll call you later,” Sandy continued and hung up.

Just like that picnic, that event happened rather too quickly now, didn’t it?

“What was that Sandy?” Spongebob asked.

“I think this will shock you, but this is kind of important,” Sandy replied.

That’s what you get for forcing a relaxing day unto the mayor you’re working with.

“Okay then, what’s the 911?”

“Well, it’s just that one of our employees left and are taking a plane to Afghuppistan, and I have to take it unfortunately,” she answered. “We had fun though, but I have to stay focused on my mission.”

Okay…bye, I guess.

“Sandy, wait a moment!” Spongebob said, but Sandy walked away anyways. “Where are those kids?” He continued after a moment of silence.

SpongeBob must be feeling too unfazed by the thought of losing his assistant since this whole scene feels like you could read in under two minutes.

The scene is back to the kids and the mountain.

Because clearly, their situation with climbing the mountain is more important than SpongeBob’s dilemma with his assistant going to the same place where Jason is held captive.

“How much longer?” Vivian thought.

“Hmm…I don’t know,” said Theo. A few moments later, they were finally at the peak.

Hooray for plot convenience.

“Finally, we’re here!” Rick said breathless.

“Well, Gakuto isn’t here either, so…nothing else can get in our way at this moment at least,” said Sierra.

Suddenly, the chopper appeared and dropped down near the six kids.

Oh hey, more convenience for the sake of the plot.

“Now what?!” Vivian said. After that, Curtis appeared from the chopper.

Dang, he evolved from a 20,000lb SUV driver to a helicopter pilot in no more than a day.

“Well this is just great, it’s him again!” Rick said.

“I’m afraid I have to let you all in this chopper, we have Afghuppistan waiting for you,” said Curtis.

You could just trick them into believe that you have Gakuto waiting for them at Afghuppistan and you’ll really have them convinced to hitch a ride on your chopper.

“Let me tell you something, I’m afraid you can’t do that,” said Mason. “You see, we have a brother to rescue, you know…um…Jason.”

His name rhymes with your own. It can’t be that hard for you to remember.

“You guys, you’re all in a dead end, now on the plane, before Horacio does something nasty,” said Curtis. The six did so.

And now he’s an airplane pilot all of a sudden. How many licenses does he carry to drive or pilot something?

“Well this sucks, we’re all being held captive,” said Rick.

What, you’re just going to let him have his way?

“I know, because I have an idea of getting Jason back, without getting captured,” Sierra whispered.

”All I know is that it better work,” said Jonah.

And thus far, a descendant known as Curtis captures the rest, but will he succeed?

That question suggests to me that he might, but the overall predictability of this spin-off is telling me that he won’t.

Plus, Sandy Cheeks leaves for a plane to Afghuppistan. Will our heroes succeed into finding Gakuto, and escape the anti-realm of Gakuto? Time cannot be wasted.

Too bad these two episodes were a waste of my time.

To be continued...

Man, this spin-off is just beginning to disappoint me with one episode after another. I can see why the author suggested I start my riffing series with this if he wanted for me to start it off pretty strong. Next time will be another double feature. Meanwhile, I shall cap off this episode with another segment of…

RANDOM CHARACTER SPOTLIGHT OF THE EPISODE

CURTIS’S 20,000LB SUV:

What we know about them so far: Could very well be the first SUV in existence to weight more tons than normal. It is one of Curtis’s methods of transportation, as well as a child capturing and refugee camp transporting device.
Information I could add about it: This model was just crafted through the handiwork of DoodleBob and Horacio. Therefore, it is a 2022 model and the only one of its kind. Additionally, it runs 12 miles to the gallon and has seats made of fine leather.
Will we be seeing it again?: From what I can fathom, because it’s fulfilled and failed its purpose in holding all of Gakuto’s seven kids captive, I can conclude that the SUV would later be destroyed after being taken a junkyard, where it is then reduced to scrap. It’s such a tragedy for a vehicle that must be no older than a single month.

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3. Juice and Jam Time (Guru Gakuto; Episodes 4 & 5)

 

Welcome back to the cinema, once again. It’s been a while but now I’m ready to take on the next challenge of riffing this spin-off. I have myself another double feature with today’s segment, so let’s start off with…

 

4.Trapped in Turkey

Hey author of the past, you missed a space. So yeah, this title could be mean two things. Either it means the six kids are trapped in the country of Turkey, or it could mean they’re literally trapped inside a turkey. Clearly, the Thanksgiving season already came and went, so don’t expect something like the latter.

“What’s your plan?” Mason asked Sierra.

“It may not be bright, but let’s jump for our lives!” Sierra said.

Well, so much for building up that last cliffhanger if it was going to lead to this. Then again, this isn’t the least I’d expect to be the solution, coming from the author early in his career.

“Luckily, we’re not too close to Afghuppistan,” said Jonah.

Don’t you mean that you’d like to be as close to Afghuppistan as possible, since the main objective is to save Jason from being held captive there? What is not too close from there that you have your eyes on?

”This is the most fantastic thing I ever saw in this plane: one freaking parachute!” Rick said sarcastically.

I like how I don’t need to riff most of these lines with Rick. It’s like he’s doing his own share of riffs.

“Well, it looks like we have to jump with just one,” said Sierra.

That Curtis guy can very much hear you, you know, considering if his hearing isn’t overwhelmed by the sounds of the plane’s engine.

“Exactly, how does one compute?” Jonah questioned.

For starters, one parachute is greater than zero.

“We’re going to jump, and I don’t care if it’s one of a kind!” Sierra exclaimed.

What kind of character would show no regards towards safety in dire situations? That would be only our main protagonist.

Just then, Curtis’ worm, known as Percy, filched the parachute and took off with it.

Did you guys know that Curtis has a pet? Well…now you know.

“Good job Percy,” said Curtis.

Now give him that good ol’ compassionate spank in the butt for that job well done.

“Great, just great, everything in this trip so far is becoming bullshit.

Tell me about it, seriously.

We’re held captive, we got robbed, damn this whole thing!” Rick exclaimed.

Rick: I could come up with twenty other reasons, but darn it, I’m so mad!

“And I doubt you have any idea where your little pet is going.”

“Hmm…you’re right, but I still got you birds in the cage,” said Curtis.

Well…wherever Percy is going, I hope he’s living his best life.

“I guess we have no choice but to jump down without pressure,” said Sierra.

Again, you shouldn’t be saying this when you’re right in front of someone who is your captor.

No way, I’m just going to live life as sky slaughter,” Rick replied.

Given it’s not the appropriate time to fancy up his vocabulary, it’s not so hard to see why he ended up with “sky slaughter.”

“We’re all jumping down! Do it for Jason!” Sierra said.

If you could do something for Jason, you could’ve at least not escaped the 20,000lb SUV without him. Otherwise, you wouldn’t be in this situation.

All six then immediately jumped down the plane, and splat. They landed on the Turkish coast.

Alas, their lives in rescuing one of their own and searching for Gakuto to help bring an end to Doodle Darkness has ended in tragedy. May they rest in peace-

“So far, we’re in the Turkish Coast, and…49 miles away from Afghuppistan,” Sierra calculated.

How did they survive that!? Speaking to your 2010 self, I’d like an explanation, author!

“This sucks,” said Rick.

Sometimes you have to appreciate those moments where the spin-off does some of the riffing for you.

“Wait a moment, where’s Vivian?” Mason wondered.

She couldn’t have wandered off. After all, she is resurrected from Sloth, she doesn’t do much.

After that, Vivian drops down, minorly injuring her leg.

Vivian: My minorly injured leg!

“I was trying to tell you guys, I don’t want to jump unless I feel like it,” said Vivian.

Right, because you haven’t said anything in this episode up until now. Seriously though, an explanation for any of these happenings would be nice.

“Alright,” Sierra continued. “We need to cover our tracks, and find Jason is all.”

Good thinking, you’ll never know if Curtis will come back for you and your group while now driving a tank.

The scene then switches to a bazaar in the coast.

“Convenient stands, almost like people are living in the 1800’s,” Mason referred.

How would you know that this how certain people in the 1800s lived? Then again, if you would believe that an abandoned journal in the forest would bring out a curse based on a movie you saw, you could assume anything. Eat your heart out, MatPat.

“Yes, can I have twenty-seven burgers on the go? Seven plain, five cheese, four with extra onions, two on wheat, six with double meat, and three with spicy monetary jack,” Theo said to the attendant at the food stall.

Get it? It’s funny because he eats a lot and he’s the embodiment of Gluttony!

“Theo, you know we don’t have any money,” said Sierra.

Because Theo ate your money, he was hungry after all.

“I know what I am doing, I have credit,” Theo replied.

Theo: That’s why I carry food stamps.

Ha, see what I did there!? If the spin-off can make cheap jokes about Theo’s gimmick, I can too! Okay, sorry, I’m over it now.

The scene then goes to the six teens and twenty-seven burgers,

Jesus Christ, stop giving me ideas for my random character spotlight.

still walking around the bazaar.

”Oh my freaking god!” Vivian said with surprise when she saw a Turkish model. She tackled him.

I’m willing to bet that she does that for every other Turkish model that she comes across.

“Fans these days,” said the guy.

So this isn’t the first time you’ve experienced this. I feel your pity.

“You’re Kaan, right,” Vivian thought.

“Who the hell is Kaan?” Rick questioned.

Indeed a very important question, just like the ones regarding this episode’s unexplained plot holes.

“A Turkish supermodel, I see him on TV tons of times,” Vivian replied.

”You kids are totally crazy,” said Kaan.

Well, gee. You don’t see the other five greeting you just by glomping on you.

“We’re six of the seven kids of a blabbity blab legend known as Gakuto,” said Jonah.

Kaan: *grabs a chair out of nowhere* Interesting. Tell me about this…blabbity blab legend.

“Kids of Gakuto, this is sweet,” Kaan replied. “Speaking of six, where’s the seventh one?”

The scene then switches to Jason, still imprisoned in Afghuppistan.

Well Lois, it reminds of me that one time I was put in a prison camp with Jason in Afghuppistan.

“Well this is great, Shazza escaped and I’m alone,

Jason: What other wasted cameo shall I turn to for help now!?

still no sibling in sight,” said Jason. “Where are they?”

I could think of three possibilities: 1) they’re somewhere out there looking for you, 2) they’re somewhere out there looking for you, or 3) they’re just chilling at a Starbucks to pad out the story’s pace. That’s not to say though for the very latter that they aren’t thinking about rescuing you.

Jason then stepped out and came inside and stared at the crescent moon.

Somewhere out there beneath the pale moonlight

Someone's thinking of me and loving me tonight

It was notably nine in the evening. Jason then saw the gates and tried to run through it. He then bumped into someone.

As luck would have it, Jason found another useful character that will outlive their usefulness shortly after one episode.

“Stuck here too I see,” said the shady man.

 “Like I would always say, who are you?” Jason asked.

I could’ve made the joke asking this person what gave him that idea, but the story beat me to the punch.

”My name is Nicodemus, I am a wizard,” he introduced.

Jason: Oh, so are you also the leader of a group of intelligent rats from NIMH who escaped scientists to form civilization known as Thorn Valley through use of human resources and technology alongside the late Jonathan Brisby? Wait, that’s a different Nicodemus? Never mind, then.

“Like all the science fiction fans say.

And your point is…?

So if you want to escape with me, go ahead,” Jason replied.

“Of course I want to leave, but be stunned when I unleash my power!” Nicodemus said.

Why are you saying that as if Jason was provoking you? Of course he’ll be stunned, you got captured along with powers to help him and yourself escape.

After that, Jason and Nic then saw Sandy going through the gates.

But instead of showing a plot convenient superpower that’ll help Jason escape and return to his beloved, let’s show Sandy entering the confinement.

“Sandy, the mayor’s secretary, what are you doing here?” Jason questioned.

Sandy: Golly Jason, one of Gakuto’s seven kids, I was assigned to be here and I also came to save you!

“Jason, what are you doing here?” Sandy said, with the similar regarding question.

So…did Sandy suddenly have short-term memory loss after that previous episode where Horacio straight up told her he caught one of Gakuto’s seven kids?

“Curtis happened, he held me captive, and put me in this jail cell, he said it was run by some guy named Horacio,” Jason explained.

Of all the things that this episode could explain for me, it had to be something that I already know.

“At least he didn’t get all seven.

Way to lighten up the mood, the mayor’s secretary.

Anyways, I’m here because our workers are here,” said Sandy. “And that Horacio, I know that guy; he was in Spongebob’s office yesterday!”

Sandy: And I tell you what, that boy ain’t right!

“Wow,” said Jason.

Horacio doesn’t sound too much like a threat, so I guess “wow” is the best possible reaction to having an encounter with him.

“But Sandy, we can’t stay here, and any day now, my brothers and sisters are willing to come back for me.”

“I’m Nicodemus,” he restated.

Nicodemus:  Just in case you uh…didn’t know that.

“Spongebob does need me, what the heck,” Sandy replied.

Truer words have never been said by the mayor’s secretary.

“Whatever plan you two got, I’m in it to win it!”

“Now let’s get this show on the road!” Jason said, but the time they were going to exit the gates, they closed itself.

Those gates wanted for them to stay, it seems.

“Don’t blame me, I’m not at level seven yet,” said Nicodemus.

I suppose the main gimmick of this character is that he’s not actually a powerful wizard, but come on, if he has powers, he should use them. How should a predicament like the gates closing shut be an excuse to prevent him from using them? In fact, if the gates were open this whole time, why couldn’t these guys just make a bolt for it? Ugh, let’s just move on…

Just then, Horacio arrived.

Wow.

“This is Afghuppistan, no one leaves these premises,” he said to them.

The scene then goes back to the six teens and Kaan.

Man, those three fellows are in for such a surprise. Now let’s see what Gakuto’s six other kids are up to.

“Why am I involved in this?” Kaan questioned.

Let me restate that as a question to the fellow author: why IS he involved in this?

“Everybody knows you’re an excellent model, and I want to show-off, telling thousands I met you,” said Vivian.

Vivian: I’m not saying that I’m a celebrity moocher…okay, so I am one.

“And you’ve got to help us find Jason, and we’re…18 miles away from him,” said Sierra.

She could be estimating a random number of miles from their intended destination but when the spin-off suggests that whatever she says is right, and then I guess she’s right.

“Hmm…from the looks of it, I do have a jet,” said Kaan, and told them his jet was only 3 miles away.

Kaan: I’ll help you guys get your sibling back, it’s only an hour-long walk to my jet!

“This guy is totally magnificent,” said Vivian.

That’s plot convenience that you should actually be thanking.

“Yep, only if I were him,” said Mason, almost angered.

Oh hey, there’s our occasional reminder that Mason is reborn with Envy.

Just then, Kaan and the seven saw a huge black cloud, pouring used ink.

That ink must be recycled from whatever went into writing this episode.

“Ugh, whoever’s responsibleDoodleBob still annoys me,” said Jonah referring to the nasty weather.

He does sound like quite an annoying person, whoever this responsibleDoodleBob fellow is.

“I still have a ton of questions, but to the jet!” Kaan called out. Minutes later, they were on time.

Not even Kaan has a fluent sense of direction if he estimates that his jet is three miles away from where he stood is simply right in front of him. At the very least though, he saved time through his poor estimation.

“But…we can’t arrive at Afghuppistan with the bad weather around,” said Sierra.

“Jason was born with pride for Christ’s sake,” said Vivian,

And your point is…?

“Just work it Kaan!”

Now is not the time to get Kaan turnt up.

With the shenanigans over,

Oh, but they’ve just begun.

Kaan worked the jet and flew out of the boundaries of the Turkish Coast, as the scene gets back to the three cellmates.

I don’t know about you guys, but I’d be intrigued to hear about how the past few minutes of when Jason, the mayor’s secretary, and Nicodemus were cellmates transpired.

“Do something Nicodemus!” Jason said.

Good on you for asking a question that shouldn’t have taken you one change in character perspective to come up with.

“I could,” Nicodemus replied. “I bet I would have a good chance if I’m in the Pisces Wizard rank.”

Nicodemus: Not even a shoehorned reference to another one of this author’s spin-offs could make me a more competent wizard, woe is me.

“Forget it, it’s me and Sandy then for a hard day’s work,” said Jason.

“It’s good enough that I still know karate,” HI-YAH Sandy went, and chopped Horacio by a little bit.

Dang, Sandy, the mayor’s secretary, just yeeted the secondary antagonist of this spin-off.

“Excellent, I doubt you all can dominate this,” Horacio then held out a Pencil staff, along with his eraser encrusted into a staff as well.

For when his pencil staff ran out of lead, he has a pencil sharpener, also made into a staff, to go along with it.

Just in time, Kaan and the seven landed at Afghuppistan and saw Jason.

Wait, who was the seventh guy if it was just six others on that plane? Was it Penry the mild-mannered janitor? Could be.

”Jason, we’re here!” Sierra said. All but Rick hugged Jason.

Rick would rather hug himself.

“Touching, but you all realize you’re trapped in here, or maybe for eternity,” said Horacio.

Horacio: Excuse me for interrupting this heartwarming moment, but I felt the need to gloat.

“I see this type of query in movies a bunch of times; in addition, you don’t scare us!” Jonah said back.

First of all, that wasn’t what you call a query and second, you must be getting your movie watching experiences from Mason, so I’m a bit concerned.

“Now, who’s this geek?” Vivian asked, referring to Nicodemus.

Get it? It’s funny because Nicodemus is a huge nerd. Who could ever have the decency to make fun of people like him? Definitely not the author, who is otherwise a big nerd himself!

“He’s Nicodemus, I heard he’s a wizard,” Jason answered.

You may want to air quote that so they’d know what you are talking about.

“And I know you’ve haven’t met Kaan,” said Jonah.

“Now look Horacio, whatever your name is,

Well, his name certainly is Horacio, but if you think it’s say…Harold Flower, then feel free to call him that.

we’re from the legend people won’t shut the hell up about,

Having to hear about how much of a legend Gakuto must even leave one of the seven kids resurrected by him feeling burned out.

and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to prevent us from staying here,” said Rick.

Horacio: Not even for a Scooby Snack?

“Mistake,” said Horacio, and used his pencil to make him into a body of undersea fire. “THIS IS AFGHUPPISTAN, NO ONE LEAVES FROM THIS PLACE, SAY GOOD-BYE FOR ALL ETERNITY, AND SOON, ALL THIS STUFF WILL BE FORGOTTEN!!”

One more tantrum like that and DoodleBob will have to send you to your room without supper.

“Why does it have to be me too?” Kaan wondered.

You’re not the only one suffering here, you know.

“I told you guys this place was hell,” said Rick.

That’s what you get for saying ‘hell’ in the previous piece of dialogue you’ve spoke.

Horacio began and brought out his fire resistant eraser staff and started erase part of the prison chamber, while burning some of the cells, with his prisoners in fear.

Good job Horacio, you just destroyed your own prison camp. So what was that you’ve been saying numerous times about your Afghuppistan camp being inescapable?

“It’s time Nicodemus, is there any type of spell that can extinguish fire?” Jason questioned.

Nicodemus looked through his book, and looked at one of the spells carefully and used his magical instrument to send water flying from it, furthermore, it worked, and continued, starting with the cells.

So, uh…how many more jokes about Nicodemus being useless am I going to see for the rest of this episode? I’ve already gotten the point the first time.

“Only if we had power,” Mason thought.

You and your other adopted siblings have pebbles that grant mortality, so a fire extinguisher would be nicer.

Sandy unleashed her karate skills again and attempted a bon-fire type attack, with coal. Part of the enflamed body disappeared.

Once again, you can’t underestimate the abilities of the mayor’s secretary.

“Keep trying everyone!” Sierra commanded.

Nicodemus continuously used his magic, while Sandy’s skill is stilling trying to defeat the torched Horacio as well,

“Stilling trying…” I can tell the author just forgot to proofread that part.

along with the other ones trying to find near water to extinguish Horacio. Minutes later, his enflamed self was gone.

Let’s not explain exactly how Horacio became defeated, though. What an anti-climax.

“So you all managed to defeat a place I call inescapable,” said Horacio.

Well, you were the one who decided to go on a rampage and destroy it.

“No matter, I can still try and defeat you all some day.”

Horacio continued, who had now been reduced to a pile of ash.

“Good, you keep that goal to yourself,” said Jonah.

“Not to mention my plan to engulf the ocean with the help of an old drawing is going to the extreme,” Horacio replied. “It’s getting quiet fast and all, so I’m off!”

He’s off to return to DoodleBob to inform him that Gakuto’s kids are being mean to him.

Horacio then left the Afghuppistan prison state.

If I were to still presume that he is reduced to soot, the wind swept him away.

“What do we do now?” Sandy wondered.

Why ask what you should do when you’re the smartest land animal underwater, mayor’s secretary?

“Sandy, go back to Bikini Bottom, prepare yourself with further results later,” said Nicodemus.

Wait, no, this doesn’t sound right! Nicodemus is supposed to be useless!

“How would you know?” Mason wondered.

It’s a simple little thing called common sense.

“I worked with her with magical federation once,” Nicodemus replied. “And of course, you guys and your friend Kaan can work the rest out; I might as well give out progress once in a while.”

That is unless we never do see this character again. Oops, I jinxed that, didn’t I?

“Okay then, so now we can get out of here?” Sierra said.

“From the looks of it, absolutely,” said Kaan.

“But I’m still curious about that Horacio,” said Sierra.

All he is now is just dust in the wind, as far as I’m concerned.

Horacio loses control pretty quick with our heroes around.

Yes, and DoodleBob must be enrolling him for anger management classes as I speak.

But that's just the beginning,

Don’t taunt me.

and Horacio still has things planned out for sure. Nicodemus and Kaan have joined, Sandy escapes, what more?

I believe the ‘more’ would mean that there will be more disappointments from this spin-off.

To be continued...

So…this episode, the previous one have already shown that it’s squandering its good potential, but I think this is the point where the execution is starting looking bad. This episode was all over the place, certain events happen out of convenience and without much of a verified reason, and the drama/tension either felt forced or weak. The episode title doesn’t even live up for much when six of the seven kids of Gakuto aren’t trapped in Turkey until they conveniently (emphasis on that word) turn to a random character that is unsubtly designed to be part of the episode’s solution and to add up to the series cast. At this point, you can’t expect the story to do wonders with its concept when its execution falls flat, but when this story had the fans at the time that were clamoring for a couple of seasons, you know the author just had to keep it going and he has to keep trying to deliver, so it’s still a long way from here. At the very least though, it can be stressed that you have to appreciate the author for trying. Alright, I don’t want to keep wasting time before I get into the more that this episode promises, and I haven’t gotten to the episode’s random character spotlight yet, so let’s have that one cue…
 

RANDOM CHARACTER SPOTLIGHT OF THE EPISODE

PERCY THE WORM:

What we know about him so far: Percy is Curtis’s loyal pet worm. He seems to be well-trained as he’s been able to follow the order of stealing the sole parachute pack on his plane.

Information I could add about him: Percy is not usually seen so often in front of Curtis though he has a tight enough bond with to know other amazing tricks such as writing poetry, giving your car an oil change, paying taxes, and doing the Gangnam Style.

Will we be seeing him again?: It’s clear that we won’t be seeing this character again since no one knows where he’s gone after taking off with the parachute pack, not even the owner himself, Curtis, knows where he’s gone. It’s best presumed that wherever he is, Percy is living his best life after fulfilling his one task.

 

--AND NOW A WORD—
Sandwiches. Okay, now break’s over.

 

5.Memories and More

Once again, I should fathom that the ‘More’ would mean we’re going to see something disappointing later into this episode.

The episode starts with the seven kids and Kaan in their jet.

“I never thought we could have the ability to save lives in that disastrous country,” said Mason.

I never heard about whatever happened to those other imprisoned folks in the previous episode, so thanks for acknowledging that, I guess.

“Best of all, we’re glad to have Jason back,” said Sierra.

Sierra: Because the real Afghuppistan was the friends we made along the way!

“I think I’ve figured out a good place to find that legend,” said Kaan. “I believe the famous oasis in Gakuto Garden, in the Indian Ocean,” he suggested.

Kaan: I just thought we should look since it has ‘Gakuto’ in its name.

“Gakuto Garden, that’s most definitely a trap,” said Mason, not convinced.

Oh boy, here we go again with this.

“Whatever, but I heard it’s rumored to have a forest of illusion: Forest Illusive,” said Kaan.

Kaan: I heard the Forest Illusive got its name because it’s the forest of illusion.

“Things are getting interesting, keep going,” Rick said sarcastically.

Thanks for the sarcasm, otherwise I would’ve have been fooled that this story was going in a legit interesting direction.

“I got nothing, but we’re only 40 miles away from Gakuto Garden, Sydney,” Kaan announced.

“A Japanese named town in an Australian city, this is too suspicious,” said Mason.

Too suspicious to not be a crime in cultural appropriation? I think so too.

“I don’t care, step on it Kaan!” Vivian persuaded.

“Step on it? We’re in a plane,” said Sierra.

Oh look, a cold open that ends on a bad joke, sounds like the appropriate time to use this video:

 

(Theme Song plays: http://www.youtube.c...?v=-AJPgMjJVMY)

What an interesting sight: a YouTube video link in an episode that could serve as a time capsule waiting for me to open up AND the video in question is still here as of this writing. It’s merely just a link to a J-Pop song, so don’t expect so much out of it.

In no time, they arrived in Gakuto Garden, in the coast of Sydney.

I suppose according to Kaan’s logic, 40 miles by jet equates to less than a minute.

“The air is different in here, I’m still not convinced,” Mason, said as he referred to GG, Sydney.

Seems like it that being a living embodiment of Envy also gave him the ability to detect if something is off just by the air he breathes in. It’s that, or he’s just a crackpot.

“Hey guys, I found some kind of relic in here,” said Sierra.

Sierra: I found it after finding the sign that said “Here it is: relic! Come inside and have a milkshake!”

“This garden is inhabitant with fully grown “Gakutos,”

“And they each have the habit of leaving their own illegitimate children behind when they need him most.”

since when was a Gakuto a plant?” Vivian said,

Well, if pizza can still be classified as a vegetable in 2022, you may as well live in a timeframe where a flower can be classified as such.

clearly reading the wrong relic.

Well you certainly didn’t have to make fun of Vivian for being illiterate.

“When the future was invented,” said Jonah.

Weird comeback, but okay.

“Vivian, that’s the wrong one,” Sierra then tugged her to the biggest and complex one.

Hey now, don’t scold her when the story itself already did that job for you.

“A relic? This is some giant tombstone to me,” Rick said.

Yeah, isn’t that what a relic is?

“Does anybody speak Australian?” Jonah questioned.

If you can read the first line as “Bloody oath that there dingo ate my baby, roasted it on the barbie,” then you won’t need any help from there.

Sierra then read the tombstone/relic. “Here lies Seymour Scales, an old friend of Gakuto.”

Seymour Scales, that one character from…SpongeBob’s Boating Bash? Okay then.

“You mean that one guy who had control over the Loud K. agency and-“Jason asked, until he was interrupted by Jonah.

At least the author’s other old shame had a fan in this guy.

“Ouch, lucky there’s no spoiler alert,” Jonah said, almost breaking the fourth wall.

Note to the author’s past self: meta-humor isn’t done right if it’s not very subtle.

“And that was Seymour Veils,” Kaan corrected.

As I should’ve said earlier, it’s fancy seeing another piece of Z-Storm related lore being connected to this spin-off somehow. Like the first version of that series, no part of this could be seen as relevant now.

“Continuing,” Sierra endured. “Seymour Scales, founder of the famous D.R.I.V.E system,

Okay, so let me get this straight: Z-Storm, a fictional story in which its events are true to its universe, while starring a character of the same name that is otherwise a fictional comic book character in that same universe, is a true epic in the world of Guru Gakuto and yet based on those fourth wall breaks, it is also a fictional SB spin-off series in that universe. I haven’t even gotten to the question as to why a video-game exclusive SB character is involved in this.

and known friend of Gakuto and Horacio, or known as the great lookout of the seven kids.

What the heck is “the great lookout” supposed to mean? Perhaps he’s the great lookout as in the relic is foretelling that he’s the greatest enemy that Gakuto’s kids should look out for? Whatever the means, it would at least be great to provide clearer wording. It can be cool sometimes to show off the amount of words you know, but it is best not to string certain words together if they don’t mean something coherent.

Horacio says he knew something was coming for him, and happened just like yesterday: CRASH,

He’s quite the fan of Crash Bandicoot. Some witnesses say that he waited outside all day for the N Sane Trilogy’s midnight release.

went his boat.

It happens when you create a driving system that’s based on, you know…crashing into other boats.

A simple crash from Horacio that accidentally gave Seymour a concussion, he will rest in peace.”

Have this be a lesson to all the readers out there: no one wants to be a Seymour Scales. I believe there’s also a “don’t drive if a psychopath named Horacio is on the same road” somewhere in there, though.

“Scary and touching at the same time,” Rick thought. “Let’s get out of here.”

Rick back at it again with summing things up rather nicely.

That was until all seven, along with Kaan, fell down under the relic, proving that they were standing in a trapdoor.

I guess Mason wasn’t so much of a crackpot after all. He was right about one thing.

“What was that for?” Jonah said.

What? Were you expecting an apology from the trapdoor for doing what it’s designed to do?

“Now this is a relic,” Kaan said when he saw what was under it.

Because of course, according to this episode, the previous one doesn’t count as a relic.

“I told you guys,” Mason was reminding until Vivian cut him off.

“Shut up! You’re too superstitious for this mission,” Vivian interrupted.

No need to make an excuse, a simple “shut up” was already fine by me.

“This is weird, there’s no dead body of Scales in here.

Perhaps that’s because his body was cremated.

If so, then they gave a huge damn about him from the looks of it,” said Jonah.

And your point is…?

“And there’s no way out. Oh, the originality,” said Rick.

Look how self-aware this character is, it’s like the author’s past self isn’t trying to hide the fact that his writing wasn’t good.

“I’ve found another clue: a note!” Sierra said.

Yeah, but turn it over, there’s a letter!

“Wait a minute…this is a receipt from Pizza Castle five years ago. We will continue investigating!”

That’s a Spinny award winning joke if I ever saw one.

“Sure thing, let’s start with the punchline,” Rick said sarcastically, and found a door.

You know, why should I continue riffing this series when you could just have this character doing these for me? Some of the jokes about how poorly written this spin-off is have already been written by Rick himself.

“Well, that was quick,” said Mason.

Or Rick just so happened to have found a door.

They opened the door, and they freaked out (except Rick)

Is this going to happen every time a group of characters share the same reaction towards something?

 when they saw the dead body of Seymour Scales.

Did I mention this is rated TV-PG?

Mason closes it.

“Bad idea,” said Mason.

For some reason, the episode needed that scene.

“There’s got to be another clue in there, unlike I care,” said Rick.

Not before I chalk up one more for the number of Rick’s riffing theater-esque one-liners so far into this spin-off.

“Then get in! What are we waiting for?” Sierra replied.

The author’s past self just felt the need to give this episode some needless filler and exposition, if I could give you an accurate answer for that question.

The suspense killed her.

R.I.P.

In ten seconds, Rick got in and out of the dead body room.

I’m surprised that the next line that follows is not along the lines of “oh wow, a dead body, how horrifying.

“I found a piece of paper, this is all you’re getting,” Rick said.

Implying that there wasn’t anything else of importance in that room.

The note read, ‘Horacio was here.’

At this point, I could make the assumption that he went inside the Gakuto Garden to hide Seymour’s body, leave to get a piece of paper and order food from Pizza Castle and then come back to leave this grim reminder and his receipt. If that’s the case, then that’s pretty bold of him to do such a thing (with sarcasm).

“Not a word,” said Mason.

…Yeah, I’ll take your advice.

Just then, the statues open their mouths, and threw projectile arrows. They all missed.

They were Stormtrooper statues.

“This is all Kaan’s fault!” Mason cried.

Mason: I’m not saying that this guy is the Zodiac Killer, but he could be the Zodiac Killer if he were to cause all this!

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Kaan questioned.

I would say that it means nothing much aside from Mason being stupid again.

Just then, a giant boulder appeared right behind them, blocking their previous trail.

If the story is going to decide that it has a security system that triggers every trap when it detects unwanted visitors, you’d think all of these things would be happening at once. I suppose it’s just a slow day for Gakuto Garden.

“You can’t diss him like that!” Vivian said to Mason.

She’s right Mason, the career of a Soundcloud rapper isn’t a good fit for you.

“Well, how come we have to buy his good lucks to make him join our search party?” Mason said, still angry.

Okay, so she didn’t force him to join the group for his good looks, but rather for his good lucks. I’ll make a note on that.

“You’re just jealous,” Vivian replied.

Intensifying.

“How about this…Vivian: don’t get so arrogant over Mason’s spiteful nature, and Mason: Kaan shouldn’t be the only one chipping on your shoulder,” Sierra debated.

As for Sierra: talk normal, because as I would tend to ask, who talks like this?

“And now, we all know what we have to do.”

If you knew, you could’ve said that before all these random, out-of-nowhere occurrences.

“I’ll pass,” said Vivian.

After that, they all continued forward. There was another relic.

It might actually be one of those “relics” though, like Seymour’s tombstone. You’d never know ‘till you know.

“This door is sealed; without a key of memories; certain ones have it,” Sierra read.

*Looks again at the second stanza* Ehh, that’s one too many syllables there, bub.

“Who puts a haiku inside a tombstone?” Jonah questioned.

It could be the work of someone who really likes writing haikus, although is not good at it.

“This is still-“Mason was saying, he was interrupted once again.

But what if he was just going to say “This is still.”?

“Shut up! You’re a broken record, ever since you were freaking nine!” Rick exclaimed.

I didn’t think you’d actually keep track of things like this.

“Because I’m struggling with getting people to listen, you know how envious I am,” Mason replied.

We all could’ve listened if you kept your comments about an abandoned journal in the forest being a curse to yourself.

“I remember when you grudged against anything Rick,” Sierra said, “Even when it came to dinosaur chicken.”

Once again, this is some “intensifying” drama I’m reading.

“Well, that day was brutal now,” said Rick. “It was weird enough when you were in your hearts-all-over-your-eyes level.”

Come on, what about the dinosaur chicken incident? Don’t leave me hanging on that!

“Not my fault Gakuto made us like this, and I’ve always wanted to stop,” Sierra replied.

So what you’re trying to say is that you blame Gakuto for the way you and your adoptive siblings are? Aren’t you all on a mission to go look for him?

“I remembered when I wanted to eat you all,” said Theo.

Please past author, move this story along. This isn’t helping at all.

“And I think I found a good bottle of Kelpsi,” he said referring to Kaan, and chased him.

“Why does this kid think I’m a beverage?” Kaan asked.

I could make a joke about Theo being thirsty for you- wait, never mind, I already did and now I regret that.

“And I remember when Vivian doesn’t use her energy to do anything,” said Sierra.

Is that supposed to be a personal attack?

“Did you say something?” Vivian questioned.

“In other words, does anybody remember how greedy Jonah was?” Sierra continued.

“In other words” you say? I think the phrase you’re looking for is “To change the subject…”

“I was demanding a bunch of stuff? I want an answer!” Jonah said.

“And I remember when I looked up to you guys, and all that,” said Jason.

And did those times ever make you feel like you have more pride in yourself than normal? No? Then I can still remember how lacking you are in that personality trait you’re supposed to have.

After that, the relic suddenly became an entrance.

Relic: Oh my god, just stop talking and go already!

“Well, that was short and memorable,” said Rick.

It was memorable for not all the right reasons. Short is an exaggeration, though.

“That ought to do it, now let’s get out of here,” Mason said with anticipation.

The feeling is mutual.

“Wait a moment, there’s ANOTHER relic,” said Sierra.

It’s not so bad. If you find 20 more, you’ll get yourself a free novelty t-shirt.

It was indeed another relic, but with instruments made out of stone. It read, “Music is good, but only one composition is the way out, that comes from your vessel.”

I could go along with a challenge like that. Alexa, play Despacito.

“A song you have to take out of your heart? Isn’t that something Justin Bieber would do?” Rick said sarcastically.

Speaking of that last riff…it’s not a 2010 spin-off without a cheap Justin Bieber joke, although this joke would be somewhat ahead of its time now since it’s acceptable to hate his recent stuff all while the year 2022 isn’t so far away.

”You have to sing something your heart desires…Got it!” Sierra said when something brightened up. “Everywhere It Follows!”

She’s got quite the obscure taste.

“I hate that song,” Jonah said.

I can tend to agree. She should’ve suggested Never Gonna Give You Up instead.

“Too bad, we have to do it otherwise,” Sierra replied, “Anybody good with instruments?”

Oh no, is this turning into what I think it’s going to be?

“I played and accomplished 43 of them,” Kaan said. “But do I have to play 3 at once?”

You’re better off doing some throat singing if you’re talented at that too.

He said referring to the baize, drum, and keyboard.

He must be a musical genius if he could use a pool table cloth (baize) as an instrument.

“Since I don’t like singing for stupid reasons, I’ll pass,” said Rick.

Rick is paying his dues to play his role in being the “except Rick” in the situation as usual.

“This is ridiculous, I’m all that now,” Kaan said, noticing he’s doing the lyrics too.

It’s only fitting that a spin-off about a disappeared parent that their kids are tasked to find in a world ruled by tyranny would then have a true blue Sonic Underground moment. Alright then, it’s juice and jam time.

Kaan then started it off with a keyboard.

Let’s see how the songwriting game of the author’s past self is like. I don’t expect to enjoy it.

Sierra: Walking in a deserted place

No one else but you in a trace

What do you know? I was right to set low expectations for this.

---------

I’ll have to give the author credit when it’s due for acknowledging it in the episode’s notes that these lines are seconds without sung lyrics, otherwise I would’ve believe that I’m looking at dead space.

Mason: I'm always wondering where you're at

When I can't see your face

---------

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi…

Jason: But you're not alone

I'm not either

Aw yeah, that is some sick lyrics, dude!

I'm just in your...soul

If you took you a while to come up with that last word, then I’m convinced that this is all being improvised. Come to think of it, the author must have improvised all these lyrics anyways.

-----

Those are some intense five seconds that I’m not getting back.

Chorus: Everywhere It Follows

I can make peace come true

For you

You would do that for just Gakuto? World peace isn’t your style, huh?

Everywhere It Follows

You are never desperate too

Well, I’m desperate to get myself out of this.

Because I'm here for you

In Gakuto’s arteries, that is.

--------

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three…

Sierra and Jonah: The sun-sun-sun

In the sky-sky-sky

If you stare at it too long, it’ll hurt your eyes-eyes-eyes.

Is looking bright

Wow, who would’ve thought that the sun is bright?

-----

 

Jason and Kaan: Come on now

I hear you’re feeling down. Well, I can ease your pain. Relax- okay, you know something’s up when this is making you think of better songs.

Look into distance

Sorry, I was too busy looking for the ‘the’ in “Look into the distance.”

Because your future is glowing

Pat Monahan:

tonight

Of course the author would be cheap enough to use that ol’ cliché.

-----

One Mississippi- awww, forget it.

Theo, Mason, and Vivian: The time is always right

Nobody is late

Late for what?

Because you see

I'm just in your soul, it's great

Ya' know...

No I don’t. This isn’t making any sense to me. Then again, very little of what’s going in this episode is making any sense.

---

Chorus: Everywhere It Follows

I just want this song to stop.

I can make peace come true

For you

Everywhere It Follows

You are never desperate too

Because I am here for you

{Baize solo; 18 seconds}

Thanks for the heads-up.

Sierra: You are never turned out

I don’t feel “turned out” either, so I can relate.

Evil wonders about

Mermaid Man: EEEEEEVIIILLLLL!

But you know

There's great power on your side

No need to hide

I'm just in your soul

{Baize solo again; 12 seconds}

Once again, thanks for the heads up, and wow, two pool table cloth solos? This will land on one of those Now That’s What I Call Music compilations in 2022 for sure.

Chorus: Everywhere It Follows

I’ll just leave the rest of the song be since there’s nothing else for me to add about it.

I can make peace come true

For you

Everywhere It Follows

You are never desperate too

Because I am here for you

---

Everywhere It Follows (Everywhere It Follows)

I can make peace come true

(For you)

Everywhere It Follows

-----

Sierra: You are never desperate too

Because I am here for you

(End)

I liked the part where it ended.

After that, nothing happened to the relic.

“Well, we’ve tried,” said Sierra.

It’s clear as to why it didn’t work. That’s just weak songwriting. Your heart wrote a bad song, Sierra.

“And my hands hurt,” Kaan added.

They got sore from all that hardcore baize playing.

Two seconds passed, and the relic opened instantly.

I guess the song was so bad enough to let the relic open itself up.

“It’s about time,” said Mason.

“Yes, my ticket to freedom is finally here!” Vivian exclaimed.

Relish in your sweet freedom from pointless filler while you still can, more of that awaits in the rest of this spin-off.

“Next stop, Forest Illusive,” said Kaan.

…Otherwise known as the forest of illusion.

“In his dreams,” Rick said to himself.

In whose dreams, who are you referring to?

“But wait, we should look at our evidence first,” said Sierra. “Let’s see, a receipt from Pizza Castle, and Horacio’s warning sign.”

None of those things sound like evidence to me

”I could go for some pizza right now,” said Theo.

Just wait until the Dark of the Herd cast is done with their bagels in the break room.

“Hmm…put it all together and that means…we better get to the nearest Pizza Castle to gather some more, after this trip,” said Jason.

…So does that mean Gakuto is hiding in a Pizza Castle? I’d believe that.

The kids of Gakuto, along with Kaan continue their perilous journey in Sydney

I should argue that the journey to Gakuto Garden didn’t have as many perils as you’d suggest.

 where they have to crack codes to escape under a tombstone. Now they're in a forest, filled with illusions and some sorts.

…But mostly illusions.

To be continued...

That wraps up today’s installment of CB3. Thank goodness for that. That episode was no better than the last, exhibiting the same problem in just being all over the place, which brings to me to mention one particular main flaw about this spin-off: it follows no specific direction. The spin-off’s need to be a comedy and a large-scale drama all at once gets in the way of its goal of trying to be a coherent story where seven resurrected kids of a so-called legend are trying to find that said person to bring an end to DoodleBob’s scheme, and I should point out that those aren’t the only things that the spin-off tries to accomplish in, for when I get further into the first season. Even when it has its jokes and intense moments, they don’t do well enough to make Guru Gakuto any better.

The next episode is going to be different, as it is written by someone other than the author, so next time, I’ll bring in a special guest to riff a guest written episode with me. Perhaps this next episode won’t be so laden with needless filler, right? …Right? Anyways, time for this episode’s random character spotlight. This time around, I’m giving the spotlight to a face from a previous segment:

 

RANDOM CHARACTER SPOTLIGHT OF THE EPISODE

CURTIS:

What we know about him so far: He’s a henchman working for Horacio and the Doodles. He has a pet worm that he’s named Percy and carries a license to drive a car, a helicopter, and a plane.

Information I could add about him: He doesn’t seem to be amongst DoodleBob’s kind. Considering that he’s able to drive and/or pilot a few vehicles as shown in the spin-off, it seems possible that he can also ride a tank, a train, a motorcycle, and of course, a Segway.

Will we be seeing him again?: It seems as though that he won’t make a return since he’s done his job, and therefore, his importance as a character is done too.

Edited by Steel Sponge
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4. The Special Guest Writer (Guru Gakuto; Episode 6)

Welcome back to the cinema. Here’s a single feature this time around. This next episode to be riffed today is something else, since this wasn’t written by the author of this spin-off himself. I thought that I could make for more significant commentary if I could hear from the person who did pen this, so I did the dirty deed of getting in contact and sending him in for this occasion. To the special guest, go and ahead and let everyone else know who the writer for this episode is.

Jjs: Greetings comrades. Yep, I'm hopping on board Steel's theater for a cameo riff. First I'm on OMJ's theater and now I'm giving my services to Steel's too like the generous samaritan I am. I'm like the Nick Fury that binds the riffing cinematic universe together. Indeed, I was the dastardly culprit that guest wrote the episode you see below. Four score and ten years ago, Steel made this spin-off called Guru Gakuto and I thought "hey, this is kind of interesting." Being the geeky spin-off nerd I was, I asked if I could lend my writing talent for just one episode on his work. And thus, for lord knows what reason, either through bribe or he somehow really believed in me, Steel allowed me to become a promoted fanboy. I'll be honest, I barely remember even writing this at all. This is literally my first time looking back on this in what feels like a century. Given I wrote this around the time I did CSI: SBC though, I expect nothing but artisan quality. Let's find out.

6. Forest of Illusion

Jjs: I like how to the point this title is, a real nice way of letting the readers know what they're in for. No punches or tricks are being pulled, we're going right into a forest of illusion. Hopefully this doesn't turn out to be false advertising or I will be very disappoint.

They went through the relic.

Jjs: If you haven't seen the previous chapter, this will probably be very confusing to any normies. Who is they and what relic are we going through? This is where a cheesy recap or reminder of what's happening probably could've come in handy on my end. My apologies to anyone's brain I scrambled with this vague introduction.

"Aren't you coming hot stuf-I mean, Kaan?" Vivian asked.

Vivian: Hey, if I become old enough to marry you, would you like to bear my chil- I mean, bear a strong relationship with me?

Jjs: Wow. Not even more than a sentence in and we've got characters being horny. You can feel their relationship being masterfully built here, not even Shakespeare could set up romance this neatly. Although I'm not really sure if flirting around at a relic is the most appropriate time to do this, but who am I to judge and be a cockblocker.

"Hold on, I'll be there in a bit, gotta fuel up the Jet," Kaan said.

Jjs: This Jet must be pretty grandiose if it has proper capitalization.

The seven kids walked into the relic.

Jjs: Didn't they already "go through" it above? Was that just the beta test? 

Meanwhile, someone appeared behind Kaan and grabbed him...

Jjs: Uh oh, poor guy's getting Epstein'd.

The seven kids arrived in a forest. They read the sign which read "Forest Illusive".

Best known as the “Forest of Illusion,” and as well as the “Woodland with No Significant Name Change from the Episode Title.”

Jjs: What the hell, is it called the Forest of Illusion or Forest Illusive? Dammit, I gave the title credit and everything, I hoped it wouldn't be false advertising, but you let me down! I am very disappoint. It was all a lie...almost like an illusion. Wait, perhaps that was intentional on my part. I'll forgive that misleading title if it was all a part of the episode's theme. I see you 13 year old me, very clever and galaxy brain.

"This place gives me the creeps!" said Sierra.

Next thing that this episode would add afterwards could probably go along the lines of “zoinks,” “jinkies," ”jeepers,” or “ruh-oh,” but I shouldn’t be mistaken about this being something like Undersea Mysteries Incorporated.

Jjs: CREEPER, AWW MAN!

"Did you guys see something?" asked Mason who was looking into the trees.

Jjs: Fun easter egg: If you pause this scene at the right moment, you can see what appears to be Bigfoot in the background.

"All I see is...trees." Sierra said.

Don’t let this distract you from that she also saw a case of writer’s block.

Jjs: Look a little harder and you might see a bush next.

White mist filled the air.

Jjs: Must be whatever I was smoking while writing this blowing out onto the set, oops.

It felt like a Haunted Forest.

Looks like Forest Illusive is on break.

Jjs: Oh, now it's called the Haunted Forest? This forest is changing its name more than Qanon nuts change their conspiracies.

Nobody else was there aside from theseven kids.

I don’t know this theseven kids character, but I’ll make note of it for this segment’s random character shout-out.

Jjs: The "someone" who grabbed your friend Kaan may have to disagree.

They then felt a rush of air. Something was coming.

Jjs: Probably more of my smoke and something tells me they're gonna need it to get out of this forest. Although since they are apparently kids, never mind, don't huff that. Chemist Bob's Catastrophe Creations Cinema does not promote underage smoking.

"Okay, I am really scared now," said Sierra.

Don’t worry, just sing the song that you said comes from your heart and you’ll be just fine. If that fails, just leave this to Pinkie Pie:

 

"Be brave like a man, Sierra," said Rick.

"I'm a girl.."

*Sitcom canned laughter*

Jjs: These outdated gender stereotypes are showing this episode's age. #GuruGakutoIsOverParty

A luminous white figure appears in front of all 7. It's eyes appear which are black.

That’s funny, I don’t remember Slenderman having eyes.

Jjs: The masterful special effects are on full display here, folks.

The kids gasp in panic. It glows and takes the form of a ghost. "OOOH!" it yells. The kids run off in panic.

Jjs: Aw yeah, time for the Scooby-Doo door...er, forest chase scene!

_____________________________________________________

Jjs: I can only presume that was my attempt at a cold open, and boy, the "cold" part couldn't be more true here.

Looks like the timing of one of my last riffs was right as the episode is now on cue for its needless sitcom-esque credits, which I should also point out is the only occurrence of this sequence.

(Theme Plays)

Whatever happened to the dignivility?

Jjs: Even I fell into the non-existent theme playing craze of the 2010 spin-off wave, sadly. Remember, folks: Don't say a theme is playing if you don't know what it is.

Special Guest Writer: Jjsthekid

Here’s also acknowledging him for special guest writing these credits.

Jjs: Of course I had to give myself a nice, honorary pat on the ass. Had to make it clear as day you were in for a real deal jjs episode.

Steel Sponge Productions presents...

Guru Gakuto

Wow, this is what I’m reading? I don’t believe this!

Jjs: I should've tried making an epic logo too while I was still hot to continue the 2010 spin-off tropes.

Starring....

Jjs: Ah, here's another borrowed trope from 2010 spin-offs around this time: imaginary cast lists. For some reason, I decided to shoehorn this into Steel's work. I don't even remember if he approved this or not, either, so as a disclaimer, the canonicity of this is dubious, to say the least.

CF(Sierra)

I guess we’ll just have to assume that these SBC members can voice act as these characters and are of the same amount of star power as Tara Strong, Tom Kenny, Cree Summer, and Johnny Yong Bosch among others.

ExKizuna(Rick)

Ha, fitting because I’ve heard this SBC member got the worst luck when it came to portrayals of him in Lits starring him.

Jjs: Given the character biography for Rick, this is the most accurate casting of this whole list.

Pakasa43(Theo)

Jjs: I wonder if this is why he never came back.

JellyfishJammer(Vivian)

SBLover95(Mason)

SG10(Jonah)

Early 2010s SBC members will remember these names.

Jjs: I presume Jonah's gonna be spewing a lot of big brain words.

Luke 525(Jason)

Oh hey, a cancelled actor amongst the bunch.

Jjs: Does this mean Jason is going to make a 19 page document telling everyone in the group why they suck barnacles and scram? 

WhaleBlubber89 (DoodleBob)

Never thought the guest here had the decency to give SBC’s former big-name enemy a chance at stardom.

Jjs: I'm honestly curious how we even got him to star on this, must have offered him bail from SBC banishment.

The Cartoon (Doodle Wizard)

that70sguy92 (Kaan)

Jjs: I seriously don't know what compelled me to do this, but I sure hope Steel Sponge Productions covered their salaries well.

_____________________________________________________

Jjs: Now a word from Steel Sponge Productions' sponsors:

 

This is about as relevant as the credits above. :bruh:   

We cut to the kids running, as the ghost figure disappears. The gang has been split up. The groups go as this: Mason, Rick, and Vivian. Jonah and Jason. Theo and Sierra. We hear a mysterious figure laughing.

Now that’s one thing I should’ve predicted that some splitting up would be done if this was going to be the spin-off’s Scooby-Doo inspired episode.

Jjs: With the way that's structured, I could've thought the laughing mysterious figure was its own group.

"Great, just great," said Sierra.

No tone indicators, huh? Sierra must think that this situation she’s in truly is great.

"We'll find a way out!" encouraged Theo.

"Whatever."

Trying to find a way out is like, so yesterday for her.

Jjs: Sierra is really bringing the good vibes here. And who says the CF casting was unfitting?

"Hey, don't be so negative. Hey wait! What's that?" said Theo as he pointed to a blue box in the middle of the path.

Jjs: Probably one of JJ Abrams's famous mystery boxes, and given those are always cleverly crafted deceptions, it fits this chapter perfectly! I was truly ahead of the curve with this symbolism.

"I don't know..it could be a trick!" warned Sierra.

Jjs: Yeah, this forest has let me down enough so far, so it's wise to lower expectations.

The box started to move. Out of it popped a giant clam.

Jjs: The wild man eating clam from Squidward's back yard!? Look at these deep lore cuts.

It growled. Sierra kicked it away.

My mama always used to say that life is like a blue box in the middle of a forest: there’s a giant clam inside of it and you just gotta kick it out of your way.

Jjs: Several readers took issue with the animal cruelty in this scene, but if this was the wild man eating clam, it's understandable that Sierra acted in self-defense.

"Okay then," said Theo.

"I won't even ask," said Sierra.

You know, this random, out-of-nowhere occurrence in the story reminds me of this one particular trope. What was it called again, the small-eyed crocodile scene?

Jjs: There's rumored to be a very hidden, complex metaphor in this sequence if you dig deep enough. Several fans have speculated this was a key to solving the Five Nights at Freddy's timeline, others say it's a reference to Narodnaya Volya literature, and others say young jjs was just writing the first weird thing that came to mind.

We cut to how Vivian, Rick and Mason are doing.

Jjs: From afar, I thought that said Rick and Morty at first and had to double take. Now this chapter is making me see illusions that aren't even there, well done.

They are getting attacked by a giant Sea Snake.

Meanwhile- oh my god, a giant sea snake!

Jjs: This Sea Snake must be pretty damn special to get that proper capitalization. Hoping it gets a compelling arc worthy of that honor.

Rick punches it away and it bites Vivian.

Jjs: I like how it bit a completely different person instead of the guy who punched him. Maybe the snake plain doesn't like Vivian.

"Ahh, it hurts!" yelled Vivian.

Jjs: Don't worry, I'm sure illusion snake bites go away snap, like that.

The Sea Snake disappeared.

Jjs: See ya later Bran Flakes! Yet another disappointment from this chapter.

Rick and Mason help treat Vivian's wound.

"Are you all right?" asked Rick.

Oh, she’s fine, except for the whole part about getting bitten by a giant sea snake.

"Yeah, I feel a bit better," replied Vivian.

Jjs: See what happens when you follow my wisdom?

"This place is creepy and dangerous!" said Mason. "I am really starting to think this was all a trap.."

I tell you what. The idea that this is all a trap made by the doodles is more believable than your whole spiel about the abandoned journal being cursed.

Jjs: As the expert, I suggest you should outsmart the forest by setting up your own Scooby-Doo style trap.

"Don't you always?" said Rick.

Jjs: Mason thinks everything is a trap? People might call this stubborn, but I gotta give him credit, his intuition is always on the look out.

We then cut to Jonah and Jason. They are walking along and the trees start to move.

"Uh...What is this?" asked Jason.

I’ve been meaning to ask the same question.

Jjs: That's probably some of my magic smoke getting to your senses, sorry about that.

The trees began to dance and attack them.

A horde of Sudowoodo appeared!

Jjs: Say what you will about the writing, but the forest at least knows how to put on a good show. It definitely seems like the budget went more to the special effects here, which is commendable.

Jason punches a tree but the tree growls and stomps on him.

My mama also used to say it all the time that if inanimate objects start to move, punch them in the face.

Jjs: This tree was played by Scarlett Johansson.

"Oww!" yelled Jason.

Jason: What is your body made of, bark!? Oh wait…

"Take that trees!" yelled Jonah as he peeled bark off of them one by one. But they were too powerful.

Well, at least we know that she has the strength to skin something alive.

Jjs: They don't seem quite "too powerful" to me if she's able to skin their bark off one by one.

"I'm fine," said Jason.

Jjs: Might wanna check for tree splinters.

They ran away from them as quick as possible in panic. Jason and Jonah ran and bumped into Theo and Sierra.

Jjs: Let's recap: Jason and Jonah had to fight angry trees, Rick, Mason and Vivian fought a Sea Snake, and these two goobers had to fight...one clam. This forest seems a lil biased if you ask me.

"Thank god we found you guys! We experienced some creepy things!" said Jonah.

Jjs: Every time they say "creepy", I keep expecting a Creeper to appear and I'm disappointed they aren't. This chapter really is one of deception, and I sure mastered that aspect of it.

"Tell me about it," said Sierra.

"Okay, that is 4 of us," said Theo.

He had four biscuits and he ate one. Then he only has three!

Jjs: And me makes ten!

"3 More to find," replied Jonah.

I couldn’t tell by the fact that ‘More’ was capitalized when you meant your other adoptive siblings at first.

Jjs: This chapter went from Scooby-Doo to video game boss fights to a game of hide and seek in the blink of an eye.

They then noticed the path behind them was gone.

"No wonder what it is called Forest Illusive," said Sierra.

Sierra: Because this is…the Forest of Illusion...there, I did it, I said the episode title. Now where’s my paycheck?

Jjs: I think you mean Haunted Forest now actually. I can't blame the characters for not keeping up with the changing name though.

Vivian, Rick and Mason continued on. They were lost and curious. Just then, they walked along and found the others.

In this scene, three of the other kids of Gakuto were lost and struggling to find the rest of their brethren…until they found them.

Jjs: The sheer power and intensity of that sequence was stunning. Never do you see such a struggle to find your lost friends as well crafted and excited flawlessly as that was. A Spinny award winning scene, right here.

"Guys!" yelled Rick.

"Okay, I feel like we were all walking in cirlces," said an annoyed Sierra.

Last time I checked, the episode is walking in “cirlces” with its off-the-wall pacing.

Jjs: If she can't even spell circles right, I'm really curious now which way they were even going.

"Well, well, well...you've all got around the illusions," chuckled a mysterious voice.

We see a Doodle figure appear. He has a black cloak and a black doodle hat.

He was going for the gothic wizard look. I heard that style is ‘in’ for the year 2022.

Jjs: If we're still doing Scooby-Doo, this is obviously a guy in a mask, right?

He laughs.

Ah yes, who could forget the utmost important detail about this character?

He has a pencil wand.

However, this detail is not important as the non-descript laugh that the doodle previously gave out.

 Kaan is also held hostage in a net hanging from a tree. His jet can be seen in the distance.

Jjs: You'd think this guy would've destroyed their Jet so they can't get out of there. Or maybe the grandiosity of it impressed him too and he spared it.

"KAAN!" said Jason.

This part is waiting for me to make a Star Trek-related joke, but I refuse to be predictable.

"How dare you kidnap him?!"

Jason: How dare you make a hostage out of a character I’ve had few interactions with!

Jjs: Could've been worse, here I was thinking he'd be Epstein'd. You should be grateful he didn't do that instead.

"You are..?" asked Theo.

His name is Doodle Wizard. He is a doodle who is a wizard. He has a pencil wand. It is a wand that is made out of pencil. He also laughs.

"I am the Doodle Wizard! The performer of tricks for the Doodle Minions! DoodleBob's right hand man as well!" he replied cheerfully.

Oh and that too.

Jjs: DoodleBob has this guy for both extracurricular activities and doing the dirty work. That's a guy who knows how to pick his minions, alright.

"I kidnapped your friend here and teleported his Jet to the exit. You can get him back and his jet, if only you can defeat me!" he said.

Doodle Wizard: If you all lose to me, I get to keep the jet!

Jjs: Doodle Wizard has some real respect for this Jet, you gotta appreciate it.

"We will beat you!" said Vivivan.

Hey, where did Vivivan come from? I didn’t remember seeing her in any of the previous episodes.

Jjs: Maybe the real Vivian never came back and this is another illusion. That would have been a genuinely better twist than the others in this chapter.

"You little brats have been getting on all of my and my master's nerves!" he growled.

It was so much to the point where it messed up his grammar skills.

Jjs: The Cartoon had a bit of a performance glitch here we never bothered to fix in post production.

He made magic blob fires appear from his fins and launched them at the kids. They dodged.

Jjs: Fun fact: This Doodle alchemy on display right here used up a sizable chunk of the episode's effects budget.

"So, I am going to safely assume there is no Oasis here and this was all a trap set up by DoodleBob, wasn't it!?" said Jason.

That’s what you get for not expecting Blur.

Jjs: I wouldn't "safely" assume that while blob fire is being blasted right at ya son, but you do you.

"How smart," laughed the Wizard. "But not smart enough!" He made a Ghost figure appear and it split into 7 ghosts. He makes them attack them. 3 Ghosts transform into Snakes and 4 others transform into Clams. He laughs while waving his wand. The kids try to fight them off.

Okay, I know my guest here was young and still learning when he wrote this, but what is up with all these capitalizations? Are these all already-established characters and this is what their names are?

Jjs: I sure hope the Snakes and Ghosts get their due time to shine, but given how low on time we are, how Jet and Sea Snake got robbed of their proper character arcs and the general disappointments from this chapter, I'm not counting on it.

"I got an idea!" yelled Jason.

Jjs: December 21st, 2010: Jason had an idea!

2 Clams were about to attack him, but he jumps out of their way and they collide into each other.

But let’s not hear what that is anyways since we need to focus our real attention towards the boss fight scenes.

Jjs: RIP 2 Clams. In the original script, they had a slightly longer fight scene, but the alchemy effects budget forced me to scrap it.

Eventually, everyone fights off the other creatures.

Jjs: Eventually? So were they just innocently waiting around while Jason puts his life on the line!? Assholes!

The Doodle Wizard seems mad. He transforms into a giant Sea Dragon. He growls and spits out doodle fire.

The flames crackled with the sounds of “me hoy minoy’s.”

Jjs: It's a little too late to introduce another new character, don't you think? 

"Dodge!" yelled Jason as everyone ran.

You couldn’t have told them your idea before Doodle Wizard turned into a high and mighty sea serpent?

"YOU SHALL NOT ESCAPE ME!" yelled the Doodle Wizard.

Jjs: Well if you don't want that to happen, maybe you should've destroyed their Jet, yeah?

He began to tear down the forest.

I guess you can say that the Forest Illusive is now…deforested. Sorry, I had to.

"So this is what happens when you annoy a Wizard!" said a panicked Theo.

While we’re still here, why don’t we change the name of the episode to “Annoying a Wizard: A Pre-Cautionary Tale”?

Jjs: And that's the moral of this chapter, folks: If you see a weird wizard in a forest, never piss him off or he'll burn it down and further speed up the environmental crisis.

Theo suddenly got an idea.

Considering that we’re almost through with the episode, I can easily assume that this idea of his is better than Jason’s.

Jjs: December 21st, 2010: Theo also had an idea!

He jumped off a tree, grabbed a stick with his fin and jumped on the Sea Dragon Doodle.

Jjs: The power of that moral realization must have given him his strength to beat the shit out of a Sea Dragon Doodle. See the power of morals, kids?

He began to jam it hard into its neck. Black sludge splattered out. It growled. It began shrinking.

So, what did we learn from this episode? When life gives you a giant doodle-breathing sea dragon, hit it with a stick. I think that sounds right.

Theo: I AM THEO, DESTROYER OF EVIL!

Sierra: Take it easy, it's just a drawing.

"NOOO!" yelled The Doodle Wizard as he returned to his normal state. He was weak.

He lost in his match against Gakuto’s seven kids. He was defeated. He is unable to do more. He was upset about his loss. He hung his head and his pencil wand low. He was mad at the chemist writing these riffs for constantly joking about the obvious, undetailed scene descriptions…

Jjs: And he would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids and the power of morals!

"T-This isn't the last you have seen of me kids..." he said before he disappeared into a cloud of mist. Kaan fell down from the tree and the net snapped open.

The wizard’s overwhelming emotions of his loss caused for the net to loosen by itself.

Jjs: I don't remember if he returned in the spin-off after this or not, but if he doesn't, then that's yet another deception from this chapter.

"Well...we didn't find any info on Gakuto or the oasis," said a disappointed Rick. "Oh yeah AND we are still stuck in this forest."

I would’ve made the joke that this ended up being another filler episode, but I remembered that this accomplished something by introducing us to one of DoodleBob’s cronies, other than also giving Vivian more personality and screen time past her own gimmick of being too lazy to give her own self any screen time.

Jjs: Mr. Wizard aside, yeah, this definitely had that Naruto filler vibe to it. If I was given a more plot centric episode to work with, I would've unleashed my true no hands barred writing energy, but after the insane power of CSI: SBC, it's understandable why Steel nerfed my writing power by slapping me with a semi-filler. 

"Wait..look!" said Jonah.

The Exit appeared.

Perhaps Gakuto could be found in that place.

Jjs: This forest must really want them to get tf out too.

Kaan was relived and hugged his plane and hopped in.

Poor Vivian, she got dumped by her older guy crush for an aircraft.

Jjs: Wait, Kaan is an adult? Uhh, well, that makes Vivian's flirting above really awkward now, then. Probably could've afforded to do a lil more research before guest writing. :bruh: 

"I guess when we defeated the Doodle Wizard, all of his illusions disappeared," replied Jason.

Wow, what gave you that idea?

Jjs: That means no more tricks and deceptions from this chapter, right?

They walked toward the exit of the forest and got into Kaan's plane.

Jjs: Is Kaan the Launchpad of the group, cuz if so, something tells me this plane isn't going very far.

Meanwhile, we see DoodleBob in his hideout. He is sitting on his throne, very annoyed.

Jjs: Guess he wasn't a fan of my magic tricks either, sorry man.

Okay, just let me guess on how this will pan out. DoodleBob is upset that Doodle Wizard failed his task. The Wizard promises to DoodleBob that he will do better and asks for him to spare his life. DoodleBob spares him and business goes on like usual.

"I am sorry sir, I won't fail again!" said The Wizard.

"Fine, will give you another chance, Wizard," said DoodleBob.

"Thank you master."

Right on target.

Jjs: Honestly, this seems pretty generous for the big villain. Maybe DoodleBob isn't such a bad guy after all.

DoodleBob knew they were one step closer to finding Gakuto. He had to do something. So, he picks up his Magic Pencil and makes a virtual map of Bikini Bottom appear.

Jjs: Would it really be virtual if he drew it?

He looks at the areas he has conquered. He looks at one certain location and smiles.

Jjs: Not Wyoming, you...not nice person!!!

Either that’s the Sin Circle we’ve been introduced to in episode one, or he was shooting for one specific location that isn’t addressed later in the series. Either way, I can’t say that I’m at the edge of my seat here since some of the previous episodes have disappointed me.

Now let’s wrap this up with this segment’s installment of…

 

RANDOM CHARACTER SPOTLIGHT OF THE EPISODE

GHOST, SNAKES, & CLAMS:

What we know about them so far: Ghost is an illusion with shapeshifting abilities, courtesy of the Doodle Wizard and has also taken on the form of Snakes and Clams.

Information I could add about them: The illusion prefers to be whatever, depending on its mood or situation that the Wizard prefers.

Will we be seeing them again?: Well…they are illusions, so they probably never existed anyways. Perhaps I could’ve done a tribute to Vivivan or theseven kids, but I have the hunch that they're also the Wizard’s illusions.

 

Well, Jjs, it has been nice doing business with you. After hearing from your input, I can now say that I’ve seen where this episode went wrong. Now to continue on with Season 1 of this spin-off, which I presume I’m now close to halfway done with.

Jjs: Well this episode just kind of happened. I really don't know how to even judge this, especially in the context of the overall story. Obviously it's not great, but when you look at it with the perspective of this being written by an overeager fanboy who wanted to write for a spin-off he liked around the time, I can't be too hard on it. My memory on the rest of Guru Gakuto is scarce but I can say this probably was not a very good representation of the characters or world of it, although Steel would know better than I. Whether if anything in this even mattered in the grand scheme of the spin-off, I honestly don't know for certain either. The only thing I'll remember from this chapter now is this mantra: if life gives you lemons, grab a tree stick and shove it right up a Sea Dragon Doodle's neck. Still though, I thank Steely Dan for letting me revisit this trip down forest lane, and I look forward to seeing the rest of Guru Gakuto riffed. I still have to give myself credit where it's due for the multiple false teases throughout this chapter, it really sold you on the whole illusive aspect. In fact...for all of you know, I'm an illusion and was never even here to begin with. *disappears*

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5. Card Games and Corn Dogs (Guru Gakuto; Episodes 7 & 8 )

 

Welcome back to the cinema, with your regular host, Chemist Bob. Once again, it’s another feature to tread through, but since this has become the point where the author would begin to stretch the spin-off’s length for each episode a little more, I figured that it’s best that I lay it low with my commentary so as to not stretch CBC3’s length. I should also note that this is the point where the author touches on a newer direction with the story to flesh it out more. Will these two episodes result in a clearer motive? A simple read will answer that question.

 

7. Take the Cape

Edna Mode: Guru Gakuto – this episode title, NO CAPES!

Sierra and co. were in Kaan’s jet, leaving the Forest of Illusion.

Also known as the Forest Illusive or Haunted Forest, and what became of them.

“Well, you’ve outdone yourself Theo,” said Jonah. “You’d probably get a free sandwich for controlling yourself, head first.”

And you are way too young to know what ‘head’ means.

“He’s obviously going to encounter that,” said Mason.

What, you mean the free sandwich that Jonah joked about? Who and what are you referring to, anyways?

 “So, we failed to find Gakuto in Sydney, now what?”

Now you’ll just have to find him somewhere that doesn’t contain Sydney, Australia, Gakuto Garden, or whatever you’d like to call the Forest Illusive.

“I was thinking we go somewhere that’s…I don’t know, near the states,” said Kaan, “Preferably Cape Cod.”

That is an oddly specific suggestion. Next thing, you’ll be asking Gakuto’s kids if they’d like to visit Llanfair­pwllgwyngyll­gogery­chwyrn­drobwll­llan­tysilio­gogo­goch afterwards.

“Oh, I’d love too, even if I have heard of it in my life,” Sierra agreed.

(Theme Song plays: http://www.youtube.c...?v=-AJPgMjJVMY)

Let’s shake things up a little with the theme music, shall I? I know of one that suits it well:

Minutes later, Sierra and co. arrived at a spot in Cape Cod in the sea of Massachusetts.

“It’s awfully quiet, what makes you think Gakuto would be here?” Rick questioned.

Perhaps Gakuto is there and you just got to hear hard enough to believe that.

“I saw something that looked like a concentration camp site,” Kaan said, pointing at a familiar house.

Not even like 20 paragraphs in and we’re already going there? Okay. This is only coming from the 15-16 year-old mind of the author after all.

“What, a concentration camp in the United States…in 2022?” Mason said.

I’m just as bewildered about the writing decisions of the author’s past self as you are.

“This is definitely a-“

“A TRAP, of course; Horacio’s still following us, and he’s already gotten a head start?” Rick said annoyed.

Mason: Well actually, I was going to say that this feel likes a repeat from our trip to Afghuppistan, except that this is something that should be considered an illegal hate crime, but I’ll take that reminder of me calling anything a trap is a running gag for this spin-off.

“Well, it doesn’t look like something of Horacio one bit,” someone said, who was seen hanging on Kaan’s jet.

Yeah, it’s missing that Horacio brand seal.

“Who are you, and how did you get all the way from Sydney to here?” Jonah asked.

“My name’s David Scribblemont, I’ve been following you seven after the destruction of Horacio’s reformatory,” he introduced.

David: I could explain who exactly I am, what I’m here for, and how I’ve followed you all into Kaan’s jet, but the author has no time to establish any of those things or give me an excuse to not explain myself.

“Um, wow. You’ve been stalking us for this long? You must be hungry after serving yourself some kelp clusters, or something,” said Rick.

I heard in times of hardship caused by having to conceal one’s self in the act of stalking, the pioneers would eat coral.

“Kelp, that sounds good right now,” Theo uttered.

“And I think your flight pilot is Kaan, why is he here anyways?” David questioned.

Dude, if it wasn’t for the fact that he can fly a jet, you wouldn’t be here talking to these people right now.

“Because he’s hot,” Vivian answered.

“Look kid, we don’t need your company, and personally Kaan’s,” said Rick. “We understand that you followed us since…that place, we doubt you know how to find Gakuto and stop Horacio’s whole abomination.”

And I doubt that I know what the heck you’re blubbering on about.

“I have a GPS,” said David. “Horacio is not here. He’s somewhere in the Gulf of Mexico,” he examined.

If the underwater United States is trying to recreate Nazi Germany in 2022 for some godly reason, I have a feeling that Horacio must be in the Gulf trying to recreate the BP oil spill for the evulz, knowing his character so far into this spin-off.

“Ugh…” Sierra groaned. “I’m starting to feel a fever right now, and I don’t know why,” she said. It eventually shows a virus bug created by DoodleBob, behind their backs.

“Is anybody here a doctor? For somebody as leader, this is very important,” said David.

“I used to be a doctor,” Rick said jokingly.

Yes, for I have just stripped you of your doctrine in making good jokes in serious situations.

“I may be right, and I may be wrong, Sierra looks like she has influenza,” said Kaan.

In other words, it’s just…the flu, right?

“Damn you influenza! Damn you to hell!” Rick exclaimed.

It must really suck to realize that the current models for the pebbles of life aren’t pre-packaged with immunity from life-threatening illnesses.

“Well at least she’ll survive, we have pebbles of live, our immunity slaves.”

‘Slaves’ is definitely not the most appropriate word to use when you’re literally standing in front of a concentration camp or in any context in general.

“She may, and she may not,” David said, and then looked at his personally made manual.

David: I’m not trying to say that she could possibly die, but...uh, she could die.

“Don’t ask. According to my readings, certain viruses damage the immunity levels of the pebble of life.”

“So, is there a cure for this sudden nightmare?” Jonas asked.

“A somewhat rare juniper is the answer to our problems,” said David.

Or you could try and search for efficient medicine that’s made from that rare juniper if you have the common sense to come up with that.

“Ugh, the nearest one is in the Gulf coast.”

If you’re not willing to take the risk, then what’s the point of you being here? Like, no one’s invited you to the party anyway.

“Just…go there! We can’t have her die out here!” Vivian said.

If it’s so urgent, then I don’t know why we needed that…pause.

“So Kaan, do you think you can count as a special reinforcement for me?” David suggested. Kaan agreed, as they both flew away in the jet.

Um…shouldn’t you have someone look after Gakuto’s kids? Are you just going to listen to the words of a stranger that you just met and leave them at the cape without adult supervision and put them at risk of being in the clutches of DoodleBob, Horacio, or whoever? Well, now I should know what’s going to happen next.

“Before I die Rick, I wish I can watch the peaceful water with you,” Sierra said.

Ah yes, one of the most heartwarming things to come out of a character that is on the brink of death: more uncomfortable incest implications.

“I hope your last “dying” moments won’t involve losing your luster,” Rick replied.

Oh Rick, I’m afraid to say that she already has.

Suddenly, the seven kids were halted with another displeasing approach, as they hear a siren of a truck.

Could this be the return of the 20,000LB SUV that I’ve been anticipating?

 The driver is revealed to have indigo-hair, a blue and black jacket, and jeans.

No, it’s worse than I thought, it’s an outdated 50s stereotype!

“No! I know what you’re all thinking: You guys think you can escape from me!” The mysterious guy said. “I like to do everything by playing my cards.”

Mysterious guy: May I interest you all in some Yu-Gi-Oh!? That is if you don’t mind being slaughtered by my Blue-Eyes White Dragon.

He then took out a card that activated gravitational pull on two of the seven kids. He grabbed Theo and Rick into his truck.

He’s so “totally” not a molester for being some stranger that puts kids in his truck. Man, I am not enjoying this episode at all.

“I’ll deal with the rest of you unless they can hold it long enough,” he said, and drove away.

If the pebbles of life gave the kids mortality, then I can tend to believe that it also gave them bladders of steel.

“That came out of nowhere,” Vivian said after a moment of silence.

If you’re not so busy pointing out this a-pull, do you think you and your other adoptive siblings should go after that truck and free Rick and Theo?

“So, who’s up for corn dogs?”

Are diapers and fairy princess outfits also involved by any chance?

“Vivian, we can’t just leave their sight, we can get them back, eventually!” Jason said.

So, stop beating around the bush? I’m just saying.

“Well, this really turned into a giant situation, Sierra is sick, we lost Theo and Rick, and we’re out of ketchup!” Mason said, holding up a corn dog.

Stop with these badly-timed jokes! If the plot doesn’t demand jokes for a serious and dramatic moment, you shouldn’t be making them.

“Let’s not panic yet, Kaan and David are on their way, and can just sneak inside that campground without notice,” said Jonah.

Jonah: We can use this bush as our disguise because in dire situations like this, we must rely on cheap comedic acts!

The scene goes to Kaan and David flying to the Gulf coast, they arrived and saw Horacio and his army of doodle minions.

“I see he has contribution with DoodleBob,” said Kaan. “We’re going in!”

Sounds like quite the golden opportunity for you to get captured.

“Yeah, but this mostly focuses on the plant, just remember that,” said David, and they parked the jet, while walking away from Horacio’s sight.

While they were sneaking away, Horacio unfortunately caught them.

Called it.

“And where are you two going?” Horacio then walks up to the duo. “I do not give up my guard for your precious plant for something little, you two should know how I deal with that type of situation.”

What is so special about a plant that Horacio had to recruit DoodleBob and his entire doodle army to guard the premises?

 He continued, and brought out his pencil. “Your heads are led, and I’m the eraser.”

Those pencil puns really did a number 2 on me…yeah, sorry that was even worse.

The scene then goes to Rick and Theo inside the concentration camp.

“Where are we? Who am I?” Rick said jokingly.

I think the most important question here would be: what was the point of that joke?

“No, we lost Rick! Do you guys serve corn dogs?” Theo questioned to the people in the camp.

What’s with all these references to corn dogs? Was the author’s craving them at the time he was writing this? The past couple jokes about them didn’t even work, so stop trying to make them work.

“Oh, I was fooling,” said Rick. “Now, I’ll calmly say…SHOW YOUR FACE BEFORE I KILL IT!” He said to a person with a close shadow.

That’s some Spinny award-winning dialogue.

“I’m Kaiden, I captured you both,” he introduced.

Okay, glad we had this talk.

“You’ll spend your war days in here, while I’ll try my best to make Horacio surrender, so you’re all my soldiers for life.”

“But you’re too young to rule Earth,” a kid in the room said.

Don’t give him ideas, a kid in the room.

“For the last time…17 is not too young too young to be leader of a certain country, and/or lead of tyranny,” Kaiden replied.

I’m sorry, but didn’t you stutter when you said “too young too young to be a leader?” How do you expect to rule a country when you go and flub one of your own lines?

“But that’s wrong…you’re wrong!” Theo said.

So what did we learn today readers? War is bad, oppression is bad, water is wet, lightning forks, grass grows from the dirt, etc.

“Well, I was lucky to get two kids of Gakuto, and you both are going survive here without food or water, while you compliment how good I am when I request you to,” said Kaiden.

How do you expect for them to compliment you when you’re going to let them die of thirst and starvation?

“Oh my friggin’ god, THIS IS THE WORST ORGANIZATION SINCE LAST CENTURY!” Rick exclaimed.

Boy, if you thought this happening in 2022 would be bad, wait until you hear about the Holocaust. Don’t you know how bad the Holocaust was???

“Don’t kill yourself, almost anybody here tried.”

Was that a threat?

The scene flips to the other five kids, with an ill Sierra.

“I wish we can go to the Gulf coast, maybe we should fly there,” Vivian said sarcastically.

“It’s only been one hour, how much time would you expect, miss ignorant?” Jonah said.

I’d say enough time for her to be put in the sidelines when the episode needs her to.

“Don’t get sassy over me, you don’t know what I consist of,” Vivian replied.

It’s pretty clear that you don’t consist of any real ability besides being a kiss-up for Kaan.

“But I want to!” Jonah said back.

“Shut!-“Sierra said, she was about to finish until she coughed three times.

Yeah, show some decency towards your group leader. She doesn’t have the energy to call you both out.

“This is serious, who knows what could happen next,” said Jason. Suddenly Doodle Wizard came back, and sees Jason and Vivian,

This all just happened in one paragraph. I don’t want to jinx this but how much lazier could this episode be with its pacing?

“Not him again!"

 I’ll say. I didn’t enjoy that random jumpscare from him either.

 “Yeah, obviously my master ordered me to do this, and- OH MY FREAKING GOD, WHAT IS THAT OVER THERE!” Doodle Wizard, changing his tone.

If you were cleverer, you could’ve tricked them into thinking you were looking at Rick & Theo, a Pizza Castle, or a corn dog stand because you know…this episode doesn’t have enough out-of-place jokes about corn dogs.

The five looked, while Jason and Vivian suddenly disappeared.

Wow, it felt almost as if it were like magic!

“I don’t see anything,” said Jonah, as she and the other two looked back. “Lies, it was all lies!”

“He’s the reason why I want to disappear just like him,” said Mason. The three remaining kids continued on their trail.

Doodle Wizard has a variety of abilities and this is the only thing about him that tickles your fancy?

The scene then flips to David and Kaan again.

How many more of these scene transitions am I going to see for the rest of the episode?

“Well…this is an unpleasant surprise,” said Horacio. “Alright, let’s begin!” Horacio used his pencil and drew a sword. “This is not a pencil; this is not a magic pencil neither. “

Thanks for the reminder that swords and pencils aren’t one of the same thing, also that’s not how double negatives work.

Horacio, David, and Kaan’s “battle” began.

Hey, hold up, I wasn’t prepared for a fight scene!

Horacio swings and catches Kaan’s neck. Kaan moved backwards, until his minions grabbed him. David grabbed Horacio’s pencil by surprise and drew a shield. For minutes, Horacio and David block their attacks. Unfortunately, Horacio notices David’s not keeping an eye on the pencil. Horacio grabs it with no intention. Horacio then grabs David and throws him to Kaan and the minions.

His minions are now going to force them to be in their next movie.

“Nobody messes with the secondary master,” said Horacio. “Put them in the brig.

Except for DoodleBob, the primary master himself.

The scene quickly goes to David and Kaan being thrown into Horacio’s cellar.

“Yeah, why haven’t I mentioned this before?” Horacio said. “Hello cousin,” he said to David.

That would be because you were so focused on giving the episode its due fight scene.

“Woah…” Kaan said, repeating the word eleven times.

Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah. I can tell that it would a nuisance to write the other ten.

“You and David are cousins? Oh yeah, a big twist. And I happen to be famous baize player in Austria,” he said sarcastically.

Looks like Kaan is doing Rick’s job in writing some of the riffs for me.

“What, you don’t approve of it? Work on that,” Horacio said to Kaan.

Work on what, his sarcasm, or being a famous Austrian pool table cloth player?

“And David, I see you’ve been helping a certain group…well, they made it once, and they won’t make it again.”

The scene is at Kaiden’s campground again; an hour after the “battle.”

“Battle” does seem to be the most appropriate word to describe it. Man, even the narration itself is self-aware about this spin-off’s problems.

“Theo, we’re busting out of here,” said Rick.

“But it’s only been two in a half hours,” said Theo.

It’s not like you’re going to get something special for staying for three hours.

“Kaiden’s already gotten on my nerves, and he’s already reminded me of Mason,” Rick replied.

Sure Mason may be annoying, but is he a neo-nazi? He’s not, and therefore the comparison ends there.

“We ought to memorize the halls security first.”

Theo and Rick enter the hallway without notice from Kaiden. Rick convinces Theo to jump continuously, as they avoid invisible security beams.

Okay, how could they do that if the beams are invisible?

They are now seen outside. They both see the cameras. Rick and Theo hid in the back side of the concentration camp. They stood thin behind Kaiden when he came out of the back door.

His no food and drink policy has really taken a toll on their physical health, it seems.

When Kaiden was nowhere in sight, Rick jumped over the gate while he grabbed Theo until he was with Rick.

“Finally, we’re out,” said Rick, panting.

“What about everybody else? They deserve to bust out too,” said Theo. With that, Rick gave a facepalm.

You may want to save that facepalm for when the episode decides to make another unfunny joke about corn dogs.

Unfortunately, when the two started to run, they ran into Kaiden, who exited the premises seconds ago.

“I was waiting for that,” said Kaiden.

Even he knows how predictable that outcome was going to be.

“Well, I failed to keep you guys in liberation, no matter. But that doesn’t stop me from trying to pummel Horacio.”

Once again, that’s not what liberation means if the spin-off thinks it means something else.

“Dude, why not stay out of it? A 17 year old with war hunger and a liberation set up is just…messed up,” said Rick.

So is this episode’s writing in general.

“Hmmm…well, I’m just going to play it that way with my cards,” said Kaiden and took out a card that made a zip-line appear. “It’s a challenge of survival in a zip-line through the gulf coast.”

Kaiden: I shall let you two and everyone else go if you can beat me in a children’s card game!

“Okay then…” said Theo.

The scene then goes to Jason and Vivian’s whereabouts.

“Ugh, we are we?

The author wasn’t able to have him re-do this line.

 It’s so dark in here,” said Jason.

The lights flash, revealing a brightly colored room, with the Doodle Wizard.

“You can call me the Doodle Wizard. Everybody does,” said the Doodle Wizard.

Okay, glad we had this talk.

 “Or by D.W,

So does that mean I should call you Dora Winifred or Darkwing?

which I’d like to abbreviate: Determined Warrior.”

“Okay, nice for you to tell us that,” said Vivian.

She does have a point. No one is going to call you that, Dora Winifred.

“Hopefully, all seven of you should be missing, and incapable to search for Gakuto anymore,” Doodle Wizard continued. “Also, I’d like to challenge you both, even if your abilities are deficient.”

Well, a doodle wizard’s got to curb his own boredom somehow.

“Can we do it later? We’re trying to cure Sierra,” said Vivian.

As bad as the writing for this episode has been, it’s good to see that it can get its priorities straight too.

“Which is a perfect spectacle showing that I can actually win,” said the Doodle Wizard.

“If it’s a challenge you want, we’re ready for it!” Jason said enthusiastically.

The scene then goes to the remaining three tired out from walking.

As well as from all those scene transitions

“What is taking David and Kaan so damn long? I’m going to freak if they don’t show up at all,” said Jonah.

“At least our courage is still showing up, it can’t get any-“Mason was then interrupted by Jonah.

“Don’t finish that, it can get worse just by saying that, so…what if there are only three of us?” Jonah replied.

Now you’re starting to sound like Mason.

Suddenly, something worse happens,

The spin-off’s narration sure does love jinxing things for the sake of the plot.

as DoodleBob showed up in front of the remaining three. He grabbed Jonah and Mason.

Being vulnerable to the virus that DoodleBob himself had given to Sierra, he’s keeping his distance from her.

“So, there’s only three? Perfect,” said DoodleBob.

This feels different from the DoodleBob who cared about having all seven of the Gakuto kids in his grasp.

“Pretty improved speech there, unlike…what I’ve heard from history itself,” said Mason.

And your point is…?

“Horacio is a pretty generous guy, now let’s go,” DoodleBob finished and drew a doodle portal, transporting him, Jonah, and Mason to his lair.

“Mason, Jonah…where is everybody?” Sierra asked, after noticing she’s all alone.

Don’t worry about them. They just went to the store to pick up some CORN DOGS.

The scene goes to Jonah and Mason inside DoodleBob’s lair.

“Today has really gone unpleasant, right?” Mason said.

“Definitely, we we’re planning to capture you all, but if it wasn’t for some dude taking Rick and Theo away… I guess deserting all but Sierra was a good call,” DoodleBob explained.

‘Some dude’ seems like the proper way of referring to Kaiden.

“So…we’re going to be stuck in here forever, as Sierra…ugh, I can’t say it,” Mason replied.

“No,” said DoodleBob and got his magic pencil ready. “There are really nothing to do but “demolish” you two,” he said.

Come on, as predictable and narmy as it would sound, erase wasn’t in your vocabulary?

One group of seven...plus two: separated into four groups leaving an infected Sierra.

I could make a “and me makes ten!” joke but Jjs had beaten me to the punch in the previous segment.

All put into battle, as war in the ocean is subject to continue.

This closing paragraph for the episode is deeper than the Mariana Trench.

To be continued.

And that’s my cue to express my thoughts on the episode. I spoke negatively on some of the previous for being all over the place and inconsistent with its narrative and motive. This episode shares some of the same flaws, but for the most part, it’s just a really dumb episode. There was an abundance of dumb moments in this episode that made me feel like I was losing brain cells. When it’s not being inane, it’s bad for how predictable it is and for missing certain marks. The author’s past self tries to make his writing come off as smart by trying to tackle a serious subject from days of old and it doesn’t make matters better, and it’s coupled with a poorly-handled new character introduction in David, who is given a personality too vague for me to care about him. A surprising twist about him is revealed, yet it’s in the same episode we’re introduced to him, which just doesn’t feel natural.

For all these reasons, this is the worst episode of GG I’ve covered to date, but that could change as I progress into this series. Let’s see how episode eight will perform. Before I get to that though, it’s time again for…

 

RANDOM CHARACTER SPOTLIGHT OF THE EPISODE

KAIDEN:

What we know about him so far: He is some dude, as DoodleBob prefers to address him, who also happens to be somewhat a neo-nazi.

Information I could add about him: He’s a neo-nazi.

Will we be seeing him again?: Of course we will, even past the first season, as I’ve been made aware, but why would I want to be seeing more of him when, you know…he’s a neo-nazi?

 

--CBC3 COMMERCIAL BREAK VERY SHORT WOW---

 

8. Whirlpool Katrina

…Alright, so while the previous episode showed a recreation of Nazi Germany in some form, this episode seems to be recreating a tragic natural disaster from two decades ago. At this point, I’m convinced that the author was throwing darts at certain life-changing events that had happened in the world. Perhaps the author’s next dart will land on the Watergate scandal.

The next scene shows David and Kaan, still in custody by Horacio.

“This is where it ends…and the worthless ones always lose,” said Horacio. “No back-up…no defense…no chances.”

No items, Fox only, Final Destination.

“No matter what you do, we’re going to get out!” David vowed.

“Well…I’ll just wait until all seven of those nuisances are done like hell,” said Horacio.

“Come on dude, that’s not the way you should brighten up! Technically, I know you’re nature is meant to be all harsh and all…” Kaan said, he was interrupted by Horacio’s guards.

Oh goody, some riveting and “original” heroes to villains talk.

“Shut it…time for my operation to be in stimulation,” Horacio said and held a control pad. Nothing happened. “God damn it…my batteries are lacking the electricity it needs.”

Is this now leading up to the subplot where Horacio makes a detour to go and buy better batteries for his machine? I’d rather have that than what I’m reading through right now.

“Kaan…I have a plan, but it’s an 80 percent chance that it will work,” David said to him,

Knowing the narration style so far into this series, I’m feeling confident that it will be the 20% that wrecks your plan.

 “all we have to do is snag his pencil.”

Kaan: Ooh, and once we do that, can we draw a funny face on him because comedy?

With infuriation, Horacio dramatically waves the pencil at David and Kaan, to create a stronger lock, and an invisible force field around the brig.

The narration strikes again, as I expected.

“See, I told you both…no chances,” said Horacio.

“I have to admit, it was so obvious David,” Kaan said to him.

He’s right, David, this is what happens when you think out loud without making sure that your enemy has good hearing.

“So, what intolerable plot do you have up your sleeve?” David questioned.

“Just a simple old whirlpool: Katrina 2.0!

The first whirlpool Katrina was clearly a prototype, as it was less than simple and old for Horacio’s standards.

 I really can’t explain…

No surprise considering that this series hasn’t been able to explain most things.

but you both better not move, I’ll be right back,” Horacio answered, and left to get more power for his controls.

And then they moved.

The next scene shows Rick and Theo with Kaiden.

Oh, but we got to deal with this now.

“Yeah…so we have a challenge lining through the Gulf Coast, now what?” Rick questioned.

“I was about to set up my deck,” said Kaiden. “And it begins right now…Super Arena Shield, go!” With that, the rest of the open area was inaccessible for the three.

And so starts the first episode of Guru Gakuto: Duel Monsters.

“Um…we have no weapons,” said Rick.

Alas poor Rick and Theo, they don’t have weapons…

”Rick, I’m hungry!” Theo added.

…and food.

“Fine, because you two needed some defense anyways…” Kaiden said and threw a few cards on the floor.

For a character who tries too hard to pose as a serious villainous threat, he’s quite generous.

“Blood of the Electric Eel, the Clay Sword, Magic Hoagie, and Rocket Boots,” Rick read, “This is the weapon choice?!”

I heard a rumor that the Rocket Boots card is very powerful so I wouldn’t have my doubts.

“Well, Magic Hoagie sounded pretty cool,” said Theo.

Thank you spin-off, once again, for the reminder that the embodiment of Gluttony is obsessed with food.

“Anyways, what else do we have to lose, this is for Sierra!”

“Whatever, but this is still friggin’ ridiculous,” said Rick.

Thanks, Rick, I needed that pre-made riff from you.

The battle between the two and Kaiden began. “Blacksmith Sword, go!” Kaiden cried out, and it appeared in his palm. Rick activates the Clay Sword and hits Kaiden with it, reducing 10 points of Kaiden’s stamina bar, and 15 for his health.

“Clever choice, but it seems that you’re all going to go a long way to beat me,” said Kaiden.

Clever choice, you say? Perhaps you’re just not using your card properly.

The battle resumed, Rick uses his Clay Sword again to hit Kaiden with the same amount of damage. “Magic Healing Potion, go!” Kaiden yelled out, his bars were full again.

Man, both Yu-Gi-Oh and Kingdom Hearts have gotten downhill these days.

“Hey, that’s cheating!” Theo said, appalled.

Why should you be the one to talk when you don’t have a Magic Healing Potion card?

“What do you expect? And this is pretty odd for a virtual reality card game,” said Rick.

To be fair, a virtual reality card game is pretty odd for this spin-off. Just look at Undersea Mysteries Incorporated.

The battle continues and it was Kaiden’s turn. He uses his Blacksmith Sword to hit Rick. His health bar reduced to 20 points, which is more.

Thanks for the reminder. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have known that twice.

Rick uses his Clay Sword again, but making it into a double combo, reducing 10 points of his stamina and giving Kaiden the same reduction.

On top of that, Rick also wasted a good amount of his MP.

“Attack Fruit, go!” Kaiden yelled out. It caused him to become stronger; the damage with his Blacksmith Sword was doubled to 40 points of Rick’s health reduction. From recoil, 5 points of his stamina were wasted.

Now, if there’s anything about this game that should be considered cheating, it’s the idea that Kaiden may have set Rick and Theo at a low level.

“Use the hoagie Rick; you can’t win with just an ugly sword!” Theo suggested.

I’m surprised that this joke didn’t lead up to “you can’t win with an empty stomach!” because you know…this is Theo I’m talking about.

“You do realize we only have one use for it, like it specifically says in the card, right?” Kaiden said.

Dude, you never explained the rules to them, so why do you expect them to know?

“Fine, I’ll do it, I was hungry anyways,” Theo replied, and stood for battle as he uses the Magic Hoagie. He brings out the Clay Sword and the damage was doubled by reducing 30 points of Kaiden’s health, and 20 of his stamina. After that, Kaiden heals himself again, with 10 health points, and 10 stamina points still gone.

And ten minutes left to waste.

“I pray we get a heal block card,” Rick said, crossing his fingers.

I’m sure Neptune will be on your side if he’s invested in this card game unlike me.

The next scene shows Jonah and Mason with DoodleBob.

Not even the episode’s narration wanted to stay for the virtual card game action any longer.

“This is just great, we’re always trapped!” Mason said.

“Looks like three of seven of you guys finally see me in person, and there’s nothing you can do to stop me, and my magic pencil!” DoodleBob said, preparing his pencil.

“But I want a magic pencil!” Jonah exclaimed. “I WANT IT!”

Just wait for them to restock and you’ll get your own DoodleBob patent-pending magic pencil.

DoodleBob used his magic pencil to create a giant doodle monster. “And because this is indeed my lair, there’s no way you both can run either…”

So, how does this giant doodle monster factor into preventing Jonah and Mason from escaping, or in other words, running? Does it have the power to paralyze its foes or what?

“Ugh, you are so unfair; you never set up a fight I want!” Jonah said.

DoodleBob: My lair, my rules.

The doodle monster then quickly grabbed Jonah and Mason. DoodleBob was targeting both of their Pebbles of Life.

“Okay then, I’m craving to see some secrets and all that, and then I can rearrange them into dirt,” said DoodleBob.

“What are you talking about? You’re after our pebbles or something?” Mason questioned.

That’s a very accurate guess.

“Having that around your necks…disables my chances of killing you two, it’s that meaningful, so this isn’t just a fight,” DoodleBob explained.

The next scene shows the Doodle Wizard with Jason and Vivian.

I’ll take this scene transition since DoodleBob’s plot wasn’t all that compelling either.

“Cool, I’m ready for a battle anyways. This is for Sierra!” Jason said.

“Oh yeah, Sierra…I couldn’t forget about her,” the wizard said. He then uses a spell to teleport Sierra to his place. “I see what’s wrong with her…it’s the work of either Horacio or DoodleBob!”

Why not both?

“And nobody cares what you just said!” Vivian said.

I suppose this is a sign that the author’s past self wasn’t having so much fun writing this episode.

“She’s just here to make both of your worries grow, and it’s all part of my plan!” The wizard added. Now let’s begin, this is more fun, since Theo isn’t around right now!”

Oh no, who will bonk him with a stick when he turns into a doodle dragon now without Theo around?

The battle began. The Doodle Wizard went first and conducted a spell to make a bunch of bats appear. Jason somewhat flinched, whilst Vivian was doing nothing.

I’d feel pretty “threatened” too if I was attacked by bats. Don’t know what they did to Jason though.

Jason forces her to join in thereafter.

Vivian won’t be sitting on her butt from doing anything in this spin-off as long as he’s around.

Jason didn’t know what to do and tried to grab the staff. The Doodle Wizard uses a spell to create a blast from the touch of his staff, giving Jason intense damage.

This may be a lesson to all of you: don’t touch a wizard’s staff without knowing what the heck you’re doing. No one wants to be a Jason.

“Okay…could’ve planned on using some kind of weapon before that happened,” Jason thought.

”You think?” Vivian said.

At least Vivian had given herself the time to call out Jason on his stupidity.

The battle resumes, as Jason still tries to thief the staff. The Doodle Wizard’s next attack was to create a batch of sea cobras; they were aiming for Vivian, as much to her dismay. Jason continues, and goes behind him this time. The wizard makes a laser beam to shoot Jason up to the chandelier.

Okay, I was never told about this setting having a chandelier, nor did I see the setting resembling anything specific to begin with.

 Jason was just hanging while Vivian continues to freak out from the cobras, and throws one on the wizard. With that chance, Jason jumps down and thieves the staff from him.

Yet another lesson to be learned when it comes to dealing with wizards: If one is giving you a hard time, throw a live cobra at it.

The next scene shows Rick, Theo, and Kaiden again.

Did they manage to figure out how to assemble Exodia in this stretch of time?

“Give up you two, the magic from my cards means you ought to forfeit,” said Kaiden.

“Would I forfeit? This Clay Sword still sucks but I’m still going to use it…but in my way!” Rick said.

If it sucks, would that be a good idea NOT to continue using it? I know you’re new to this, but you’re terrible when it comes to playing a children’s card game.

Rick uses his Clay Sword to fight against Kaiden’s Blacksmith Sword. Defending their hits for five minutes,

These two must have been stacking up on their stamina if they were able to block their sword attacks for that long.

this continues until the Clay Swords hits Kaiden, twice.

Not once, but twice! We have ourselves an important hero moment, folks!

Like usual, 30 of his health was lost, and 30 of his stamina was lost.

Let’s not forget to mention that he’ll be using his healing card as usual too.

Unfortunately, Kaiden’s sword causes Rick’s to crumble into dust.

“Great, now we have the boots and the blood cards left to use!” Rick said annoyed.

Kaiden was about to heal until Rick snatches it and throws the card into the force field, causing it to burn away in less than two seconds.

I suppose this is the author’s way of expressing that he just gave up trying to form a solution to this predicament.

“Well…uh…I was in the lead anyways,” said Kaiden. “But at least you weren’t wise enough to heal yourself.” With that, Rick gave a facepalm.

It was that moment that Rick knew that he had brought dishonor to his family.

“Come on Rick, use the Rocket Boots!” Theo suggested.

“Sure, so I can PATHETICALLY jump on his face with my steaming soles!” Rick exclaimed.

Of all those words he’s used, it didn’t make so much sense to me that he would choose to put such great emphasis on ‘pathetically.’

“On the other hand, I’m going to use it anyways!” With that, he activated the Rocket Boots.

“Titanium Knuckles go!” Kaiden yelled out, and his hands appeared in a shining white armor.

Kaiden would then come to the realization that he’s screwed up as his shining white armor isn’t shining white plot armor.

The next scene shows David and Kaan again.

And it was just when that subplot had reached its climax.

“Well, I guess we ought to spend the rest of our days caged alive and unable to cure…” David thought.

“David, I’m sorry, but I give up!” Kaan said.

“GIVE UP you say…not in my book!

But in this spin-off, he will.

 This is for Sierra, and we need more bright ideas to deliver this juniper on time!” David vowed.

“Sure…definitely in the case that we’re being guarded, trapped in a force field, with a stronger lock!” Kaan said sarcastically.

I could admire this guy’s optimism but when your enemy is a powerful dictator with DoodleBob and his army at his utility, I can tend to agree with Kaan and say that the writing’s on the wall.

“All pencils have an eraser…so does Horacio’s, and this time, we’re lucky he’s not hearing us, and we’re suddenly whispering to each other right now,” David replied.

Horacio: Hey, what’s this I’m hearing again about taking my magic pencil!?

After that, Horacio returned with his improved controls.

In other words, he came back from getting new batteries.

“Now then, we can finally start my next plan of destruction!” Horacio said. He clicked on the particular button, and it happened: his whirlpool was created. “Now, destroy the cities I requested…I can takeover those spots after that!” After that, the whirlpool went off in its own direction.

You know, you could’ve been more specific about what territories you want destroyed.

“Hey Horacio, if you could drop your keys, we can’t get out, even though we’re highly protected by this invisible shield!” David taunted.

I don’t know what point exactly you’re trying to make here, but kudos for giving your enemy some ideas…

With that, Horacio erased the jail keys. “Thanks for letting me know!”

…like so.

“And because I’m not that important, I’d like to make a sacrifice,” said Kaan with his hand near the force field. “I won’t care!”

“Hmm…whatever,” said Horacio. He then erased the force field. Fortunately, Kaan’s hand was near the lock, so he dodged, which caused the lock to be erased. David and Kaan were set free.

Oh of course, he fell for that good old fashioned sacrificing-a-hand-to-be-erased-while-in-front-of-a-force-field-only-to-pull-it-back-out-so-that-only-the-force-field-is-erased trick, I would’ve fallen for that too.

“The whirlpool is already causing the havoc I want, so you two are already too late, and I still have my loyal vanishing piece!” Horacio said, referring to his pencil.

“Now you really got me in a huge decision I can’t make, both situations seems so important now!” David thought to himself.

My proper response would be “Okay, and…?” but I guess yours works fine too.

“Quick David, let’s get back in the jet plane!” Kaan ordered. Both ran to the plane with the juniper plant intact.

Now where did they get the plant? I could’ve sworn I haven’t read anywhere in this episode or the last telling me that they retrieved it.

After that, they flew off.

“Yep, they always run,” Horacio thought.

You could’ve used your doodle monster for that.

The next scene shows Mason, Jonah, and DoodleBob again.

“Come on doodle monster, I want to see more…more until the energy from the pebbles can finally be released!” DoodleBob ordered. After that, the Pebbles of Life gave out a shining light;

Doodle monster: MY EYES!

DoodleBob gazed into it for a moment. “Hmm…very interesting…”

Suddenly, Whirlpool Katrina arrives in DoodleBob’s path, he grinned afterwards.

“Well, have fun trying to save Sierra now, you two are free to go anyways…but watch out for that whirlpool!” DoodleBob exclaimed, and escaped, along with the doodle monster.

You think you’re a villain after giving them that generous warning?

“Come on Jonah, we better hurry!” Mason said, they both ran away to find the rest of the group.

The next scene shows the battle with Rick, Theo, and Kaiden again.

Fingers crossed that this will be the one that finishes it.

Rick uses his Rocket Boots next and kicked Kaiden in the back. Kaiden loses 30 points of his health.

Yep, I’ve called it a while ago that this would be the most useful card in Rick and Theo’s deck.

Kaiden uses his knuckles attack, and causes Rick to lose 20 points of his health. Unfortunately, Rick was almost down.

“Theo, mind to take over?” Rick asked, and passed the boots over to Theo.

Theo uses the same kick attack, but on the back side of Kaiden’s face, making him lose the same amount of health.

For a character that has been mostly built on the gimmick of being obsessed with food due to being reincarnated with Gluttony, Theo sure does a good job with overpowering his enemies. He may as well go down in history as one of the most powerful anime superheroes.

Kaiden was almost down to…due to his healing card loss.

I didn’t need that short little pause but thanks…for the reminder anyways.

“Hmm…one more card…and I never seemed to know what it does…” Rick thought.

He uses the Electric Eel’s Blood card. Suddenly, he felt stronger, and his health was restored by 15 points.

Ah yes, the good old fashioned cliché where the last unused item is the best one to use in a dire situation. I would’ve never thought.

Rick then borrows back the Rocket Boots. He takes multiple hits against Kaiden, and several punches. Kaiden now has 10 points of his health left.

Excuse me, but I don’t recall Rick having Rocket Gloves. Disqualify him.

“Good moves, Mega Sphere Attack go!” Kaiden yelled out. After all of a sudden, a giant, yellow, spherical attack was formed and did intense damage, unfortunately knocking down Rick. Do to wasting stamina; Kaiden goes down too, making Theo the winner.

Like I would say, Theo’s power cannot be underestimated.

After that, Rick and Theo saw the whirlpool, and stopped the zip line.

“Finally…we won- oh hey look, it’s a whirlpool.”

The next scene shows the others with the Doodle Wizard.

Thankfully, this is also the final scene that I’m skimming through for this double feature.

“Give up now, wizard! I have the power of this staff, and you’ll lose, definitely! And we’ll be able to save Sierra afterwards!” Jason said.

“Okay fine, I forfeit…not only because there’s a whirlpool coming in our way!” The wizard said which caused Jason to panic a bit.

I can presume that the one other reason is because the author needed an excuse to wrap this up.

“Wow, that was pretty quick,” said Vivian, “so can you make corn dogs with that staff, Jason?”

Just when I thought I was able to escape all those unnecessary jokes about corn dogs after reading though the previous episode…

After that, Mason and Jonah came inside, along with David and Kaan with the juniper. They quickly cured Sierra with the plant.

How? Don’t make me think that they cured her just by throwing the plant in her face.

“Wow, what happened?” Sierra asked.

“No time! There’s a whirlpool coming after us, leading to our doom!” Jason said.

The battles were over;

Indeed they are, and what did I gain from them? Just a waste of my time, that is.

 a strong disaster arrives courtesy of Horacio. Hope is still in their hands.

Hope is the least that they can have. It’s not like the Pebbles of Life have any powers besides mortality, right?

To be continued...

That was the episode, and it left us on quite a cliffhanger. While the previous episode was bad for how simply dumb it was, this one was just really dull to sit through and gives me the impression that it existed just to drag the story longer than it doesn’t need to. This could be the case for the rest of the season, but anyways, time for this episode’s random character shout-out, and it’s another unorthodox one:

 

RANDOM CHARACTER SPOTLIGHT OF THE EPISODE

KAIDEN’S CARD GAME:

What we know about it so far: Introducing Kaiden’s unnamed card game! You can get yourself a starter deck for a low price of $4.99! This game includes cards such as Rocket Boots, Magic Hoagie, Blacksmith Sword, Clay Sword, Magic Healing Potion, Blood of the Electric Eel, Fruit Attack, and more. Rules…who need rules!? Kaiden, the game’s supposed creator, never explained them.

Information I could add about it: This could very well be the undersea version of Yu-Gi-Oh!, or for copyright-friendly purposes, Me-Si-No!.

Will we be seeing it again?: Due to lack of market interest, it would be so unfortunate for me to say that the Me-Si-No! franchise wouldn’t be able to live past 2022. However, it would remain a cult favorite amongst tabletop gamers. Not much would change about the game except that the Mega Sphere Attack card would be banned.

Edited by Deepak
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6. And Now… A Romance Plot That No One Asked For (Guru Gakuto; Episodes 9 & 10)

 

…You’ve already read the title. If you thought this spin-off wasn’t going to get any worse at this point, let this be a sign that things are only going to keep going downhill from here. It’s been awhile hasn’t it? Going over the usual formalities, I’m Chemist Bob, this is my Catastrophic Creations Cinema, and we’re picking up where we left off with Guru Gakuto. Especially since it is the year 2022 now, which is the year that this spin-off is set in, I have more of an incentive to continue my riffs.

 

9. Daters Gonna Date

Guru Gakuto – an action-adventure series about a group of young travelers, based on the seven deadly sins, in search of Gakuto while fighting against the evil forces of DoodleBob and Horacio, built around the theme of war and the repercussions of war – now a romance drama. You can still tell that this episode was being written in 2011 when the title references a long gone internet meme. Does this mean that we’ll be seeing arrow to the knee jokes later on?

It starts with the continuation of the whirlpool scenario.

“No, what do we do?!” Sierra said in fear.

“One choice would be stay here. One choice would be get out of here!” Mason exclaimed.

So the only options are to die or not to die. That’s some skilled deductive reasoning, dude.

“Dumbass, we ought to be hit by that thing anyways,” said Vivian.

She knows exactly what I’m thinking about.

“I wouldn’t,” the Doodle Wizard said to himself.

Doodle Wizard: Oh no, anything but the raging whirlpool! Oh wait, I forgot, I’m magic! Have a nice death, suckers!

The whirlpool was getting close. Everybody but the Doodle Wizard shouted in horror.

Once again, I got to give Doodle Wizard credit for his apathy in such a dire situation.

In a moment, the lair was disintegrated while the area was totally flooded, whilst it was raining outside.''

And to their misfortune, it was not the right season to discuss the secret formula after having gargled with vanilla pudding.

“That was so scary…ugh, I can’t…breathe, too much pressure...from the whirlpool! Am I bleeding…no, AM I DYING?!” Mason said dramatically.

Comedy gold.

“We’re not dead, we have pebbles of lives,” Vivian pointed out.

Vivian: The whirlpool has reduced my bones to glass and my skin to paper, but we’re wearing immortality around our necks, so stop whining.

“Oh yeah...but what happened to the Doodle Wizard?” Sierra asked.

I presume he’s left the scene to submit his application to the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

“I don’t know, I guess he’s meant to disappear like that,” said Jason.

I know, right? It’s like he’s some sort of magician…or something.

“Look at the bright side…uh, never mind.”

Thanks Jason, I appreciate your optimism…or your lack thereof.

The others were seen afloat on a piece of wood destroyed from the lair. A clap of thunder appeared.

Thunder, feel the thunder! (*Clap, clap, clap*) Lightning and the thunder!

“Theo and Rick, wherever they are, we better find them!” Sierra said, stroking swiftly.

“Weren’t they inside that concentration facility hours ago, but the bad news is…our jet is abandoned, and we’re way far from Massachusetts,” said Kaan.

Kaan: I know your other brethren are still out there, missing, but I’m more worried about my jet!

“And where do we happen to be?” Vivian asked.

“New Orleans…Louisiana,” Kaan said dramatically.

Fitting since this was the location of the carnage that Hurricane Katrina wrought. Yep, it’s totally not symbolic of Hurricane Katrina at all. Also, I want to take the moment to appreciate the line “Kaan said dramatically.” Just how dramatic are we talking here?

“I had a GPS in my pocket, can’t believe I still have it.”

Kaan: I could’ve brought back the jet, but this GPS is our #1 priority!

“That horrible no-good Horacio,” David thought. “Since when did that area have a waterfall?” He asked.

“What did you say? I can’t hear you over the roar of that waterfall!” Jonah said aloud. Once again, they shouted in horror.

And that gives us another reason not to go chasing waterfalls. TLC approves this message.

The scene goes to Rick and Theo, still with Kaiden.

It looks like we’re still not quite done with this, but I suppose you got to build up to Guru Gakuto’s next arc where Rick and Theo must save Sierra from being sent to the Shadow Realm, if that’s what the spin-off is now gravitating towards.

“Wow, didn’t see that coming.

Johnny Test: That’s my line!

Is that right, Rick?” Theo questioned.

“Yeah, but is everyone else okay? Because I can seriously hear their screaming,” said Rick. “Well, at least the whirlpool out of nowhere never caught up to us.”

Spoiler alert: The whirlpool catches up to them.

Kaiden then gets up after his defeat. “I have admitted loss…not by a long shot, because I still cannot be stopped! Kaiden exclaimed.

Kaiden: This children’s card game that I lost fair and square in doesn’t decide who wins, I does!

”Oh sure, and I bet you can’t live without your virtual reality card collection,” Rick said, holding it up. With that, Rick was still taunting Kaiden with it, until he throws it off, as Kaiden jumps down for it.

Kaiden: “Must…risk…life….for…cards!”

“Woah, is Kaiden alright?” Theo questioned.

Well, so far, the worst thing that’s ever happened to him was his cards getting wet and later himself.

“Yeah, yeah, he’s fine, I can see him moving…he’s also close to New Orleans,” Rick examined.

“So…when’s lunch?” Theo asked again.

Don’t worry about it, the nearest underwater equivalent to Popeye’s shouldn’t be too far away.

“You know, we better get back to our group, we can’t stand in this zip-line all day,” said Rick,

If you’re going to try and keep doing these riffs, you shouldn’t be stuck adopting the spin-off’s stupidity.

and pulled the floating spot down to where New Orleans was. “Also, if thunder occurs, you’re my shield,” he added.

Then who will be your mirror, your sword, and your missionaries in a foreign field?

In a few minutes, Rick and Theo find the rest of the group.

Rick and Theo found them after falling in quicksand.

“Rick, where have you been? I have been worried sick…literally, about you!” Sierra said with excitement.

“So, what was up with that whirlpool?” Theo asked.

“Horacio created it with some kind of control,

Or Horacio is an airbender, but I’ll go with your answer.

 it came, and flooded this place, me and David were there, thank you very much,” Kaan answered.

Rick: “Where’s my best day ever, thank you very much!?”

“Okay, now what? I’m cold, I’m wet, and I feel like hitting something! Now I accept something else worse to happen!” Rick said.

Then I hope you learn to accept it, if that’s what you mean.

And it happened,

Now is not the time for jokes, story.

 apparently, it wasn’t that much of a situation. A soaked and damaged Kaiden appeared in front of Sierra and co. Once again, all but Rick screamed in horror.

Kaiden: How would you all like to come with me to Duelist Kingdom?

“Isn’t that the guy that captured you and Theo?” Sierra asked Rick.

“Respectively,” Rick replied.

If that’s your definition of ‘respect,’ then I don’t believe you.

With that, Sierra knocks out Kaiden, out of anger from the recent capture.

Sierra: Being cured gives me super strength! Holy shit, it really does!

“As usual, he should be okay…and we won’t be seeing him from point on,” said Theo.

Honestly, I hope we never see more of him.

Then, all of a sudden (out of nowhere),

Thanks for the heads-up.

 torpedoes were shot down from mid-air, the source was Horacio, inside Kaan’s jet.

 “Ugh, if any other unfortunate thing is going to happen right now, I SWEAR I’D-“Rick said with anger, it was interrupted by another torpedo.

Horacio: I dare you to finish that sentence!

“Aw man, its Horacio again!” David said with awe.

Horacio is back!? I’m in awe!

“Of course, but this is just temporary, with the whole raining, thunder, and all,” said Horacio. “Well, unless you all survive, this is the last experience for all of you, adios,” Horacio finished and flew off.

“Aw man, that was my jet!” Kaan added.

I’m afraid to inform this to you Kaan, but your jet dumped you for Horacio.

This is a trap, I knew it,” said Mason.

Get new material, funny man!

After that, another torpedo was shot, “And it happens that we’re still aware that Horacio is still firing those torpedoes!”

Do less fourth wall breaking and more trying to escape, if I could just make a suggestion.

Sierra and co. still screamed, unfortunately, from the torpedo effect, Sierra falls overboard. Kaan jumps down and comes to rescue her.

Guru Gakuto, recreating tired female character stereotypes since 2011.

“I’m scared,” said Jonah.

”Me too, I’m lucky I know how to swim, and don’t worry, we’re all going to be okay,” said Kaan, Vivian was huddling with him afterwards.

“You’re pretty warm and brave too, I like that,” said Vivian.

Well, so much for that serious, heartfelt moment, huh? As long as Vivian still has her Pebble of Life, we still have to endure jokes about her being horny towards some Austrian dude.

For a few minutes, Sierra and co. noticed the sun was about to come up, as they were the exiting the boundaries of New Orleans.

“I see light; I also see a bright side!” Jason said.

Nah, I’m pretty sure it’s the bright side that found you.

“So Kaan, what does it say on your GPS?” Sierra asked.

“We’ve reached the near seas in Houston, Texas,” said Kaan.

Houston is going to be having a lot of problems it seems, and this story is one of them.

“I’m glad all that is over, so what could our stop in Texas prove that Gakuto is here?” Mason asked.

Just find a sign that reads “Gakuto was here” and you’ll find him eventually.

“I don’t know, he obviously can’t be here, so maybe we’ll wait until we have another utility vehicle,” said Kaan.

The day that Horacio took Kaan’s jet will be the day that Horacio’s life reaches its expiration date.

“Hmm…how about we ask somebody for help?” Sierra suggested.

Yes, finally, some more common sense in this spin-off!

“Good idea, let’s ask that hot chick over there,” Rick said walked up to her.

No! So of course, in these desperate times, resort to sexual harassment. Screw you, Rick.

“Hot girl…what?” Sierra said, after realizing what Rick said.

Sean Connery: That’s what I said to your mother last night, ha, ha, ha!

“So, whoever you are, my name is Rick, and I’m with a group of others, as them and myself happen to be lost, and we don’t have any means of transportation, and I’m asking if you have anything to do with that,” he explained.

If only if talking to girls didn’t stifle his grammar.

 “My name is Savannah; it’s a pleasure to meet you. But I’m not sure if I have any support for you and your friends,” Savannah greeted.

At least she has more common sense than these seven young travelers if she knows not to trust some random strangers from the get-go. I sure hope that I don’t jinx myself later again.

”Of course it is, and we happen to be a family, even David and Kaan,” Sierra said to Savannah.

“You know, if a date is alright, would it be at that restaurant nearby?” Rick suggested. “Would it be okay if I brought them over?”

Rick: Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but I’m feeling really horny right now, so go on a date with me, maybe.

“It’s a date, though, it would seem crowded if you do that,” Savannah replied, and left with Rick.

You…you just met this guy, he’s asking for a date with you at the very start of the conversation, and you’re saying yes!

“Am I the only one who finds something suspicious about that Savannah person?” Sierra questioned. “We’re going to that date, and I volunteer Vivian and Kaan to do some undercover work.”

OR…you should be focusing on finding Gakuto while you have the chance and while you’re all not being hunted down by Horacio or DoodleBob at the moment. How can you call yourself the leader when you’re letting your lustful, incestuous fantasies of Rick shift your priorities? Besides, Rick did say that you and your other adoptive siblings are invited anyway.

“Why me, I never agreed to this,

Yeah, WHY get Vivian roped into this? Yep, I think this is the very point of the episode where I call myself done.

you’re just saying that out of my liking over Kaan,” Vivian said. “Oh, I see what you’re trying to do.”

“Oh yeah, isn’t spying unhealthy for development of your relationship, even if Savannah barely even knows us?” Jason thought.

Here we go with Jason asking the real question.

“Can we have lunch there?” Theo asked.

…And here’s Theo asking the realest question.

“Just do it, Vivian! You with Kaan at that restaurant sums up as a date!” Sierra commanded.

A problematic date, if I might unfortunately add.

“Uh, thanks…the rest of you guys are going to be hiding around, right?” Vivian said.

The Pebble of Life seems to grant one sole purpose, so I don’t think it comes with Stealth Mode.

The scene goes to the restaurant, as we see Rick and Savannah come inside. It was at least four in the afternoon.

It took less than ten minutes for Rick and Savannah to know each other and hook up, so it must’ve only taken them an hour to arrange their date.

“Remember the plan Vivian, you just go inside with Kaan, and make sure your table is close to Rick’s table,” Sierra instructed.

“You’re jealous, aren’t you?” Jonah said to Sierra.

“What are you talking about? I am definitely not jealous about Rick,” Sierra replied. Vivian and Kaan were on the case.

I find the lack of nuance in this spin-off very disturbing.

The scene goes to the inside of the restaurant, with Rick and Savannah.

“Wow, this place is kind of fancy,” Rick thought.

Yep, and it’s just enough to have a good time,” said Savannah.

”And you should know that I’m mostly here to see if you have some kind of transportation,” Rick replied.

Rick really is letting his skewered priorities show. Come on dude, you’re the one who pressured her to go on a date with you.

After that, the next shot goes to Vivian and Kaan that were two tables away from Rick and Savannah.

It’s so weird to imagine the thought of there being a film camera when reading a story. I wonder who the author got to film Guru Gakuto anyway.

“Well, we didn’t get a table next to them, but I think this is close enough,” said Kaan.

The closest table adjacent to Rick and Savannah was given to Jessica Simp.

“So, since this is partially a date, tell me about you, being around with a supermodel is fascinating,” said Vivian. “Wait, I think I hear something.”

The shot goes back to Rick and Savannah.

Cameraman: Oh, is it time to show Rick and Savannah? Okay, um, allow to me just move this thing a bit…

“You know, my parents run the Pizza Castle business in this area, nothing else much. We’re getting a bit close, and I thought you could meet them for once,” Savannah said to Rick.

Does her dad happen to be Mario by any chance?

“Agreed, maybe I can use the delivery truck if they have spares,” Rick thought.

“So, is there anything suspicious about Savannah yet?” Vivian said to Kaan.

There’s nothing as far as I can tell.

“Am I the only one who feels set up because Sierra was jealous? Because apparently, Savannah seems to be a really nice person, Kaan responded. “They won’t notice we were here if we sneak out this restaurant.”

I’m sorry Mason, but it looks like you’ve just gotten replaced as the embodiment of Envy.

Before they were going to do so, they got the bills.

“Oh man, 100 dollars?!” Vivian said with shock.

“I tried to tell you to not to order the expensive looking ones on the menu,” said Kaan. “Let’s just get out of here, so Savannah will barely even know we’d be invited to see her parents.”

Kaan – Encouraging others to dine and dash since 2011.

Before the two were about to exit, an emergency siren came on.

“Oh crap, too bad we don’t have money,” said Vivian.

And thus ends the Gakuto kids’ quest to find their adoptive father. The day that Vivian and Kaan didn’t pay their bill was the day that they all paid the price for their crime.

“Wait a minute, Vivian and Kaan, what do you both think you’re doing here?” Rick asked.

Eating a meal, a succulent Chinese meal?

First there was a raging whirlpool activated from controls, causing drastic events in Louisiana. Second, they arrived in Texas.

Leave it to the author to recap one of the most important details, folks.

Third, one person knows it pays, especially when it comes to interfering.

And the other knows it pays, because they can get arrested for not doing so.

To be continued...

Well, that was certainly a weird note to end an episode on. We’re treated first thing to a devastating whirlpool and it ends with Vivian and Kaan getting themselves in a bit of a downsie-wownsie by getting caught for dine and dashing, as well as for spying on Rick and Savannah. Just when I thought that this spin-off was pivoting towards a clearer direction with its narrative, it just keeps going south. Anyway...

 

RANDOM CHARACTER SPOTLIGHT OF THE EPISODE

KAAN'S JET:

What we know about it so far: It is, or now was, the main method of transport for the kids of Gakuto, piloted by Kaan. It is now in the hands of DoodleBob, Horacio, and their evil organization to stifle these main characters from finding Gakuto. 

Information I could add about it: Rumor has it that Kaan and his jet have been together ever since the former earned a license to fly. Considering that the jet seems to have competition with Vivian's affections towards Kaan, this may be the reason why she has an irritational hatred for aircrafts in general. 

Will we be seeing it again?: As far as I'm concerned, this tragic breakup between an Austrian pool table cloth player and his beloved aircraft foretells that they may never be reunited, but there's also the possibility that Horacio will dump the jet not long after taking possession of it.

 

--TAKE A BREAK FROM CBC3 AS I PESTER YOU TO PURCHASE THIS NIFTY FEATURE CALLED STEELIFY PREMIUM, WHICH CAN ALLOW YOU TO SKIP ADS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ...NOW BACK TO THE RIFFING---

 

10. Stopped in the Name of Love

Please don’t tell me this is a reference to the R. Kelly song with a slightly different name. If it’s so, then this is a nod that hasn’t aged well. Although considering this spin-off’s weird inconsistent episode title theme in referencing old-school R&B songs, I should assume that this is a reference to The Supremes song with an otherwise similar title.

“What are me and Kaan doing here? I don’t know, dating, odd coincidence isn’t it,” Vivian said, lying.

First line of the episode and it seems we’ve already reached the pinnacle of its writing quality.

“You are spying on me and Rick? How dare you two little, nasty, brutal, frantic, inquisitive, semi-futile, butt-ins! Hell with you two douchebags!” Savannah exclaimed.

Hey now, no need to get all flowery with your insults.

“See, now we have so much in common. But seriously, get out of here! We don’t want your company!” Rick said.

…Calmly.

Vivian rolls her eyes, and then she and Kaan get out of the restaurant. “My family members plus Kaan and that other extra, they are extremely different, am I right?” He said to Savannah.

And your point is…?

“You’re still coming to my house?” Savannah asked back.

“Let’s make it tonight at eight, and I’ll see you later,” Rick replied, and leaves.

At five in the afternoon, the next scene shows Sierra and co. after Rick, Vivian, and Kaan came back.

“Yep, these two are in deep shit, right?” Rick said about Vivian and Kaan.

Well yes, but mostly Sierra for pretty much setting them up to nose in on your date.

“I see Savannah has totally started overshadowing your ego,” Sierra thought.

You’re also one to talk when it comes to inflated egos.

“Savannah is not that kind of girl, just leave her alone!” Rick said.

Mad respect for women by the same person who landed a date with someone that he barely even knew in less than one day.

“That exactly, when your love instincts came, Savannah was all starting to be like you and all,” said Kaan.

…And your point is…?

“And Sierra happens to be revived from Lust, and she’s more likely revived from jealousy now,” Rick pointed out.

That makes half sense since Mason is the one with the pebble of Envy. But proceed.

“Jealous? Please, I’m nothing like that,” said Sierra. “You do realize we haven’t gotten our suspicions over Savannah figured out, AND we need a back-up for Kaan’s plane!”

“Whatever, but no matter what, I’m going to Savannah’s house and meet her parents,” said Rick.

“Wow, you’re so lucky,” Mason complimented.

I wouldn’t call meeting someone by forcing them to go out with you ‘lucky,’ but okay.

“We ought to come to; we can’t handle you treating us like outcasts!” Sierra said to Rick.

“And come to think you had a crush on me,” Rick replied.

Thanks, ‘cause I still don’t want to think about that.

“You’re lucky I’m not the bad type,” Sierra replied, and held both of Rick’s arms. “We’re going to wherever her house is, and we won’t be slipped out of your arms.” With that, the rest held on to Rick.

“If you don’t let go of me, I swear I’ll-“Rick said to himself, he cut himself off, courtesy of Sierra.

What happened? Did Sierra just kick Rick in the balls or what?

Sierra and co. were still dragging Rick to Savannah’s house, until they finally found it, informed by Rick.

You got to give them credit for their tight adoptive sibling bond for being able to literally drag one of their own around without complaining.

“We made it to her house,” said Rick. “Now, do me a favor, and don’t do anything embarrassing during my first long-distance relationship attempt.”

“Long-distance relationship…” Sierra said with shock, and twitched several times.

I’d like to know what happened that made this one of her trigger words.

Rick rings the doorbell, and Savannah appears at the door.

Riveting scene descriptions.

“Rick! My sweet really did come! With your family and those extras,” Savannah said, referring to David and Kaan.

‘Extras’ is a very bold way of describing both characters. They didn’t provide much to this story, let alone this episode, but they’re there anyway.

“I know Savannah, I brought those two meddling idiots, you know how complicated life is,” said Rick.

“Why is that girl red in the face…like she can’t breathe?” Savannah asked.

She’s working her way towards getting a new talent agent by trying to do a facial impression of the Kool Aid Man.

“Woah, you’re right, but I have no idea,” Rick replied, referring to Sierra with a red face, holding her frustration. “Take it easy Sierra; you are revived with Lust after all.”

After that, Sierra and co. came inside Savannah’s house, and her parents appeared.

“Rick and company, these are my parents,” she introduced.

”It’s a pleasure to meet them Savannah,” said Jason.

 “As a very important house guest, what are we going to do tonight?” Rick asked.

The same thing she does every night, Rick – try to take over the world.

“Savannah was thinking some movie and popcorn for starters, she also has an interest in some scary fables,” Savannah’s dad said.

Fables…? You mean the series of graphic novels…or the type of stories written by Aesop? What’s so scary about the latter though, is it because it teaches them certain topics such as morality? Don’t use words without knowing what they actually mean!

“Besides, I bet you have some food, because when it comes to Theo, he’s the greedy type, not to be confused with Jonah,” said Mason.

“Sure, he can help himself with whatever’s in the fridge,” Savannah’s mother said.

If he eats out the entire fridge, don’t think you’re not going to live to regret this act of patronage later.

“YAY, FOOD!” Theo said with joy and went inside the kitchen.

“If you guys want to know, I have an older brother, but I don’t know where he is right now,” said Savannah, as the movie started, while grabbing some popcorn.

Ah yes, the typical sudden missing family member reveal cliché, just when we weren’t even asking for it.

“So, um…what is he like?” Jason questioned.

I’m guessing he’s dead.

“Well, I always remember him about being stuck-up with being leader,” said Savannah. “This is also a pretty good movie.”

Plot twist: They were watching Sierra Burgess is a Loser.

“Yeah, I know Savannah, and I keep forgetting, but I guess I remember now…you want to come with us after this?” Rick asked.

Let’s be frank for one moment: What pair of teenagers actually talk like this when they enter a relationship? I know the author has an excuse in not being a conversationalist and having never been in a relationship before, but that’s never an excuse not to shy away from writing a realistic romantic plot. In fact, why are we still focusing on this when this spin-off is about a group of kids searching for their missing father?

Still noticing Rick was still oblivious about the whole travel situation, Sierra gave a facepalm.

Sierra is pissed that Rick is dragging the story longer than it needs to.

“Aw Rick, I’d absolutely love to! But I have to tell my parents, and make sure I’m far away from those assholes,” Savannah replied, referring to Vivian and Kaan again.

“They were inside that restaurant for a reason, and I can assure you-!” Sierra was about to say, but was interrupted by Savannah’s parents.

Just leave it to Sierra for “taking responsibility” for setting up her adoptive siblings for a pointless stakeout like any self-respecting team leader would.

“Since your friends are getting closer, maybe they can stay for another day Savannah,” her dad suggested.

“Thanks father, because I was about to get to the exciting part,” said Savannah.

After the movie was finished, Sierra and co. were gathered around with Savannah to hear what she has to say.

If this is the ‘exciting part’ that we’re supposed to be anticipating, then I hope it is such.

“Once upon a time, several houses were rumored to be a target of a mysterious kidnapper,” Savannah said. “He was like any other, but nobody knew who he was, and in at least 20 minutes, the person the mysterious kidnapper feasts its eyes on…can disappear real easy. Nobody knows where the kidnapper is or what it’s doing either, it’s a huge mystery,” she finished.

Spookiest fable I’ve ever heard, ten outta ten.

“A mysterious kidnapper, are you kidding me?” Vivian said with disbelief. “I almost heard a tale like that, except it doesn’t involve a kidnapper, and it proven to be a lie!”

You just saw your brethren get captured and sent to a military base camp twice. What doesn’t sound unbelievable to you?

“Thank you Vivian,” Savannah said sarcastically. “Yeah, I tell stories like these, I’m involved with that.”

If you tell creepypastas as a profession, then you might consider finding a new day job.

“And you’re going to make us believe that “it” is going to show up in your house?” Mason questioned.

“Oh I never said that,” said Savannah.

And then it showed up in her house.

The next scene shows Horacio in another location, but it was unknown.

No, this isn’t the proper time for a scene transition!

“They’re hiding…again, in Texas,” said Horacio after looking at his computer. “Obviously, they can’t hide forever, and I don’t even have to worry about this other bitch.

Even Horacio isn’t interesting in this forced romantic subplot. He knows how to stay committed to his own character.

Let’s see…what should be my late night plot,” he said to himself. “Yep, I was thinking another raid.”

That’s some expert critical thinking for a less-than-nuanced villain.

After that, somebody appears in front of Horacio. He had a black hat, with a green trench coat.

“And do what? Waste every unit of your weapons to execute the group?” He said, about Sierra and co.

“Doesn’t matter, as for you, your quest is to cover my tracks,” Horacio replied. “At some point, I will be in Switzerland to create another mega weapon.”

Why of all places though, so that he could build a weapon of mass destruction made out of chocolate?

“Fine thing, I’ll be awaiting your results…” he said.

“As an assistant to my party, you always want the royal pain, do you Trent?

Oh man, the Total Drama contestant must have fallen off hard enough after all these years to get roped into this guy’s affairs.

I’ve been involved with this in the first place, so get your ass to Texas, and follow them, without a trace!” Horacio commanded.

“Whatever…” Trent replied, and left.

He’s just as motivated as I am towards reading this spin-off.

Meanwhile at Savannah’s house…

“Ugh, I can’t believe we still don’t have any progress,” said Sierra, “No offense Savannah, but you’re slowing us down from searching for Gakuto, it’s kind of your fault.”

You’re wrong actually, it’s no one’s fault except the story itself.

“I was just expressing my character with a small fable,” said Savannah.

By ‘fable’ you mean what barely even resembles a creepypasta, and by ‘character’ you mean your lack thereof.

“Still, there’s no such thing as some “mysterious kidnapper,” said Vivian.

The door opened up, revealing the “mysterious kidnapper.” Sierra and co. cover in fear, as the guy at the door turns out to be a worn out Kaiden.

Oh no, they better assemble Exodia as fast as possible if they’re going to ward him off.

“You see, we’re totally scared now,” said Vivian, sarcastically.

“You all don’t know my brother, but-“Savannah said, but then Rick breaks it up.

Oh no, it’s worse than I thought! Her brother is revealed to be the Neo-Nazi!

“Back it up, Kaiden is your brother? But that’s okay, because there’s an angel in your family, and that’s you Savannah,” said Rick,

I’m sure Savannah will accept your backhanded compliment very well.

“I’ve met him before, I wonder what we should do with him.”

“That lovesick little…” Sierra mumbled, and says to herself, “What am I doing? I like Rick, but I’m too focused on this mission,” then she openly says, “Tell us more.”

Sure, let’s hear more about him. Leave it up to the main protagonist to keep the spin-off focused on its central plot as much as she could manage.

“Kaiden’s my brother, and that’s it,

Glad we had this talk.

he should also stay and rest here,” said Savannah, “What are we doing again?”

Nothing that is relevant to this story, as far as I can tell.

“I’ll give you a hint, it has to do with air travel,” Sierra replied.

“Oh, I just realized. There’s a carnival in town and we should go. Does that sound like fun?” Savannah said.

It’s all fun and games until the carnival turns out to be tens of hundreds of hooks encompassing the area.

“I’d just love to, though burning down a carnival is what I want to do before or after we find Gakuto,” said Rick.

Whoa, slow down there.

“No, for one thing that has to get away, why does it have to be carnival?” Sierra said.

I’m confused by the way you speak, but I get what you mean.

“Relax Sierra, what harm could be done from that?” Kaan said.

Continuously dragging this story to unnecessary filler is one thing I’d point out.

“By the time we get there, I had the slightest story about a mysterious killer at late night festivals,” Savannah added.

Then Sierra and co. arrived at the carnival.

 “So what should we do first Savannah? There are always the bumper boats,” said Rick.

This sounds inappropriate out of context, so I hope this next stage of this romance plot doesn’t lean towards that route.

“How about we ride the Ferris Wheel?” Savannah suggested.

“It won’t be a date,” Sierra noted.

“I got it handled Sierra,” said Rick, “The Ferris Wheel…that sounds like fun.” Then we cut to a person behind a wall for no apparent reason.

Now that’s a solid way to introduce us to a new character.

“It’s Savannah, what is she doing with that other guy?” The mysterious guy wondered.

“Justin, what’s the big deal? And why are we hiding like this?” His friend asked.

Steel: Okay, so if none of you have noticed by now, this character’s name is indeed derived from the irl name of SBC’s siterunner himself, Jjs. Of course, he’s later referred to as ‘Jordan,’ but before I go out of my way to edit out every other mention of ‘Justin’ in the original posts, I’ll have you folks be introduced to the character as Justin for the sake of consistency. Of course, this isn’t the only time I’ve done something like this as I’ve tried using my own name for one of my Sub-Tropical Academy characters only to then regret it shortly after and remove every mention of the original name. In retrospect, I could’ve chosen a better character to attach the name to, but I know Jjs wouldn’t care at all to remember the type of character that I have had used his name for, and you’ll understand my concerning tone as this spin-off continues on...

“We’ve been hiding since Savannah decided to show up late with somebody else. The big deal is, I think she’s cheating on me,” said Justin.

Wow…shocker. Still though, what the heck is going on in this episode?

“So you’re going to that Ferris Wheel to rouse up more trouble?” His friend replied.

“That my friend…is what I’m going to do,” Justin replied. He walks always cunningly, with his friend confused.

There’s a ‘this will not end well,’ joke waiting to be used, but I refuse to be predictable.

By the time Sierra and co. was at the Ferris Wheel, Sierra, Rick, and Savannah argue about which spot Rick should share,

Kickin’ in the front seat, sittin’ in the back seat…

while Vivian had her cart with Mason, Jason had his cart with Jonah, Kaan had his spot with David, and Theo doesn’t have another spot yet. Then, Justin rushes over.

These scene descriptions are making my head hurt.

“Reserve my spot with that girl over there,” Justin says, referring to Savannah at the attendant.

“Why would I do that?” The attendant said.

Justin thinks for a moment and says, “Actually, I’ll reserve with the other chick,” he was referring to Sierra.

“Why would I do that?” The attendant said.

“I’m sticking with you Rick, no matter what,” said Sierra.

“Actually, your spot is already taken,” said Justin, and runs off with Sierra to their cart.

Yeah, just tell that to some stranger that you don’t even know. That will convince them that you’re not here just to act as a plot device.

“I guess that means I’m riding with you,” Rick said to Savannah.

“What am I, chopped liver?” Theo said.

If you were, you’d be trying to eat yourself.

He then takes the same cart with Rick and Savannah by request. The Ferris Wheel first shows Sierra with Justin.

“So…who are you?” Sierra asked.

“I’m Justin, what about you?” Justin said.

“I’m Sierra,” she replied.

“Do you have anything to do with Savannah?” He asked.

Yeah, this dialogue is boring af, so I’m skimming through most of it.

“Barely, it’s mostly Rick. He’s always hanging out with her since he had a crush on her…and all I wanted to do is get advantage to find somebody special: Gakuto, he went missing…” Sierra replied.

“Of course…Savannah is a liar.”

Shocking reveal, huh? Let’s be real though, this romance plot has never really been fun or exciting to begin with and this little bombshell isn’t going to make it more thrilling.

“What are you talking about? Savannah totally deceived you, or something?”

“Of course she did, it looks like I have to reason with those two.” Justin then jumps to where Rick, Theo, and Savannah were, as the people on the ground (and Sierra) were surprised.

If your plan was going to get on the same car as Savannah to get back at her for this sudden infidelity revelation, you could’ve thought this more through.

“So you’re just going to talk to me like that? I don’t like being alone,” said Sierra.

I thought you’d be more concerned about him jumping into Rick and Savannah’s car like a maniac.

When Justin finds Rick, Theo and Savannah, he turns to Rick and says, “I see you’ve gotten into a relationship. Is it your first time?”

No, wait, I think this may actually be the most ironically hilarious moment of the episode.

“What the hell is this?” Rick said, obviously confused.

The feeling is mutual.

“I’m Justin, and I’m here to tell you that Savannah is not what she seems to be: she’s a cheater,” said Justin.

Since her brother is Kaiden, I could be convinced that he meant that she cheated in a children’s card game tournament.

“Savannah is totally not a liar, she’s different like me, and you should accept that!” Rick replied.

I’m not sure how to feel about that “compliment,” but sure, let’s go with that defense. Once again, I have to remind myself that writing romance stories has never been the author’s forte.

“You don’t get it? I can sense when one person is lying, and I know it is Savannah. So, truthfully, she doesn’t like you, and she kind of cheated on me.

‘Kind of?’ If you’re confident that you’re being cheated on, you can be blunt about it.

 Because you stumbled in the way for some reason,” Justin replied.

So…um…is Savannah going to do something about this, or are we just going to keep watching two bros having a cockfight?

“Savannah lied to me…like when she tells me her scary fables?”

I’m sure Aesop has quite a scary fable for Savannah to learn about this episode is through.

Rick said, but changes his attitude, “I still like her. Lies are nothing to me.”

You barely even got to know both Savannah and Justin. How stupid can you be?

“So you would expect a carnival killer coming this way, after listening to what she says?” For a sudden, tanks and helicopters arrived, with DoodleBob leading.

Blame It On the Rain? Heh, blame it on DoodleBob!

“Orphans, number two of the most predictable things in my book,” he mumbled.

I have several questions…one of them being what the number one most predictable thing is to him.

“Alright everybody, we’re looking for a group…involved with the search of Gakuto,” said DoodleBob, “And right now, the other leader, Horacio, is on holiday.”

“Ugh, they always have to follow us…” said Rick.

Once again, I am skimming through some more dialogue since there’s not much that’s riff-worthy with these next few scenes.

Because of the hold of the cart, it snaps and suspends to the ground, with the four.

“What is that?” Justin said about DoodleBob.

“That’s not important now. Now go with Savannah and hide,” said Rick.

The other carnival guests scream and run away in fear, while Sierra and the others left the ride, and confront DoodleBob.

“You know, you can’t kill them,” Kaan said, referring to the seven.

This isn’t the proper time to fight your allies’ battles.

“Worth a shot,” said DoodleBob, and brings out a machine gun,

Holy crap, he’s really taking his job seriously.

along with the others, but with slightly smaller ones in comparison.

Did he bring a bunch of glocks with him too?

Kaan and David were protected as they were behind the seven.

“There’s a helicopter. We need to get DoodleBob and his minions off-guard for a moment,” said Rick.

While DoodleBob and the others we’re

Never thought I’d see a rare sight where the author confuses ‘were’ with ‘we’re,’ but he’re we are.

still wasting bullets against them, Rick jumps and get a hold of the helicopter, by pushing the pilot off.

It’s okay guys, the pilot was a doodle.

Unfortunately, there was one helicopter behind, and snags David.

Of course, it’s not Guru Gakuto without at least one character getting captured or kidnapped.

“Let me go!” David said.

“This kid will be useful,” said DoodleBob.

Before Rick was going to tell the others to get on his helicopter, Rick uses the controls to damage DoodleBob’s tank, along with the others.

I like how the story has me assume that a character like Rick with no experience in piloting an aircraft could just pilot a helicopter no problem.

Before things started blowing up, DoodleBob and his minions escaped in the helicopter that had David.

“You guys are lucky…always lucky,” said DoodleBob, before he leaves.

Mason: Hey, that’s my line!

Sierra and co. then got on Rick’s helicopter.

“Wait…we need to bring Savannah, she did say she wanted to go with us,” said Rick.

“That’s because you asked her,” said Kaan.

Where in this episode did she say that specifically? I could go all the way back and see if I missed something, but I prefer to not to waste any more time and let myself be gaslighted anyway.

Kaan then flies the copter, while Rick sees Savannah and notices Justin left somehow. Savannah just smiles, when Rick gave her the offer to come along. The helicopter continues to fly away, while we then see Justin on a motorcycle…

Helicopters were too mainstream for him.

One white lie must have turn into one disaster,

Well, things didn’t escalate until DoodleBob showed up, but let’s go with that, I guess.

and right now...one member joins, and one member is lost.

With the way that the episode rushed itself to the end, I wouldn’t have assumed that Savannah joined up with the group after going through quite an emotional rollercoaster. Looks like the next few episodes are going to give us some closure on Savannah’s actions, but I know already that I’m not going to enjoy it.

To be continued...

So this is how this romance-driven two-parter ends, not with a bang, not with a whimper, but with an a-pull, and not a very satisfying one at that. I could fathom that the author had his utter disappointment with Total Drama World Tour in mind while writing this particular episode, and yet ended up writing something with a message against unfaithfulness that’s even less nuanced and more inconspicuous than the animated show in question had done prior. You could say it ended up influencing how this plot was written despite the author’s intent. There’s now three episodes left of this season to cover, and I can already tell you that I’m not looking forward to them. I am, although, confident that the spin-off should start becoming more focused on the main narrative now that I’ve gotten this far into it. It has to. The story so far has gotten mostly nowhere, running around in a directionless circle.

 

 

RANDOM CHARACTER SPOTLIGHT OF THE EPISODE

THE FERRIS WHEEL OPERATOR:

What we know about it so far: Even though he is referred to as an 'attendant,' he sustains quite an important job in the oceanwide carnival business in giving customers their preferred cars (and having to deal with some teen angst-related B.S. on a semi-regular basis).

Information I could add about him: With DoodleBob declaring war on the world with Doodle Darkness, it seems as though that his person is stuck with this dead-end job to put food on the table, which is such a pity. 

Will we be seeing it again?: While we're most likely never going to see more of him, this guy seems to have better and bigger dreams ahead of him, which he may as well be chasing after this spin-off's story concludes.

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7. Guru Gakuto Part VII: Horacio Takes Switzerland (Guru Gakuto; Episodes 11 & 12)

 

We have reached the climax point of season 1, and that means that this should be the instance where the spin-off gets interesting. So far, Guru Gakuto has failed to impress me beyond its premise, so I know I have to keep my expectations low. Since I have gotten this far, I feel like the next batch of episodes should be more rewarding, and we’re starting off with an episode titled…

 

11. Tic Tac Scam

…And I am disappointed once again. Maybe something important will happen here, but who really knows?

It first shows a room with David inside, with Horacio.

“Explain to me, do you know seven of our main suspects, and our minor one?” Horacio asked.

If you already know your targets so well, I don’t see much of a reason to make them vague.

“Duh, I’ve been around with them longer than you,” said David,

Weird flex, but okay.

“And there’s also Savannah…”

“Good, I also know that you have a relation to DoodleBob, say it’s the truth,” said Horacio.

“It is true, but I’m nothing like DoodleBob, neither like you,” said David.

You do have a point. Unlike them, you don’t have any personality whatsoever.

“Whatever you say, now listen. I’m going away on a special trip to Switzerland. If you’re going to try and escape, I have somebody to make sure that you don’t,” Horacio continued.

“But why do you want to imprison me? Is this all because you want answers about me and DoodleBob?” David asked.

“That’s not all, but I’m busy right now, so good-bye,” Horacio finished and left.

He’s running late for his flight to his next destination after all.

Then, a shadowy figure of a doodle appears with David.

“Do you remember me? I’m part of the Scribble Seven,” he said. “Now not only will I try and execute you, but I’ll reveal you as a member of our group if you try to escape.”A

As if the spin-off definitely needed a bootleg Akatsuki/Organization XIII.

The doodle then brings out a sword and points it to David’s neck. It was a doodle swordsman.

Thanks for the clarification. I could’ve mistaken him for a doodle blacksmith.

“Well, you prevented me hard enough,” said David.

A rare sentence AND an unintentional innuendo, the author’s younger self sure is raking in some gold already.

“Good, you stay right there,” said the Doodle Swordsman.

Horacio put you in-charge of keeping David from escaping, so I don’t know what you’re delaying his execution for.

Meanwhile, with Sierra and co. and Kaan…

“So Kaan, where are we now?” Sierra said.

“We’re in Michigan, it’s at least two countries away from New York,” said Kaan.

How can you mix up your geography this bad? Next thing, you’d be telling me that Canada is a continent.

“Can you tell us which lake we are in?” Jason asked.

I don’t know. Look at a map or something.

“It’s Lake Michigan, between Superior and Huron.”

That means that Erie and Ontario are two lakes away from Lake Michigan.

“Kind of looks like a good spot to find Gakuto,” said Mason,

Well, it is one of the few states that have bodies of water surrounding it…

“now where do we begin?”

“We’re in downtown, I say we check some of the buildings and ask them if they know about Gakuto,” said Sierra.

I’m sure they’ll tell you right away about him being a so-called legend, but I don’t know what makes you think they’ll exchange information of Gakuto sightings with you.

“Like we’re complete strangers?” Rick said.

…While you’re all a group of strangers to them, yeah, not exactly the smartest thing to do.

“Not exactly the smartest thing to do, but we’re going to give it a shot,” said Sierra.

…I rest my case.

Then, a mysterious guy shows up in front of Sierra and the others and says, “You’re looking for somebody, right?”

Please don’t be Kaiden.

“Yeah, do you know where Gakuto is?” Jason asked.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about!

Well, that already ruins the offer that you’re trying to make.

But…I’ll give you all the best I know about that man if you win in a game I’m best at, which is called Tic Tac Toe, if you lose, your stuff will be given to me,” said the mysterious guy.

Wait, why are we still bothering with this? This guy already said that he knows nothing about Gakuto, and why tic tac toe?

“Now who are you supposed to be?” Mason asked.

“My name is Ross, thank you for asking,” he said.

One of the Game Grumps has fallen on hard times it seems.

“About this game you’re offering us, I don’t believe any word you said and you’re not going to let me play,” said Jonah.

"Do you want candy? I have some,” said Ross.

If this is how he bribes you into playing tic tac toe, you shouldn’t trust him at all.

“I want candy, you got a deal!” Jonah said, changing her mind.

NOOOOO-

“I’ll be the first to play Ross, I played with my family in tic tac toe, and I would always win,” said Savannah, “I also have guts. If I lose some of my stuff, I don’t know what I will do.”

“Well I’m not going to play,” said Sierra, “You agree with me that Ross is a scammer, right Kaan?”

Of all moments where she shows some common sense, she makes the early judgment of Ross being a shady grifter. I’m baffled by how this story is still proceeding at this point.

“I’m with you, Sierra,” said Kaan.

Kaan: And I’m not saying that I agree with you just because you told me to…

Then it comes back to Horacio, who was now in Switzerland with DoodleBob and his minions.

I suppose that subplot is already done with, right? Nobody believes that Ross guy after what Sierra said and they continue searching for Gakuto like normal? For sure, Horacio’s trip to Switzerland is more important.

“What are we waiting for, Horacio?” DoodleBob said.

For something to drive the plot forward, I suppose.

“Just aim and fire when they arrive,” said Horacio.

While Switzerland soldiers were about to arrive, Trent appears.

“Trent, I told you to follow those seven kids,” said Horacio.

“I did, they’re lying around in Michigan,” said Trent.

Trent must’ve witnessed how boring their subplot was and teleported himself to Switzerland.

“Great, now go back to my place and give David some more company alongside the Doodle Swordsman,” Horacio replied, and Trent left in a jump.

With teleportation powers like that, Horacio sure knew how to pick his P.I.s.

The soldiers slowly arrive near Horacio his army’s feet. The leader then chats with him.

I don’t know what the first sentence is supposed to mean, but I don’t want to be thinking about anyone’s feet.

“You must be Horacio. I now what you’re doing, and you’re not going to destroy this city,” said the general.

“Good for you, you and your fighters are strong, but we are stronger. When we wipe out everything, you will surrender and we’ll waste you next, then I will take control of this place, you got that?” Horacio replied.

Praising the army and then telling them you’re going to kill them all anyway. Horacio sure has some class.

“Shove it, even without the legend, me and our troop still have guts,” the general replied,

Too bad being a major general doesn’t come with having proper grammar.

“Try and attack us, we accept your offer.”

And your point is…? You didn’t even accept the offer when you just told your enemy to go jump in a lake.

“I like the sound of that,” said Horacio.

The scene then blacks out as a strong whip sound is heard, then it goes to Ross and Savannah’s game.

No, this is still going!?

“Show me your skills, I’m ready,” said Savannah.

“With pleasure,” said Ross, “But we don’t use paper…we use rings like this…”

M. Night Shyamalan must be feeling proud right now for that surprising plot twist.

Ross then tosses an X-shaped ring to the center of the box.

Okay, real question: How can you rig a tic tac toe game? My only guess right now is the scam is that Ross goes first every time. The author might as well have a surprise waiting for me, but I’m still not expecting much out of this spin-off

“Here it goes,” said Savannah, and tosses an O-shaped ring to the top left. Ross then tosses his to the bottom center, and Savannah tosses hers to the top center. Ross then tosses it to the bottom right, Savannah tosses hers to the top left, but the floor in that square falls with the ring, making Ross win.

Ah yes, the scam is that Savannah activated Ross’s trap card. I thought I’d never go another episode without making another forced Yu-Gi-Oh! reference.

“Wait, you didn’t tell me about rings unexpectedly falling down,” said Savannah.

The feeling when you play Sonic the Hedgehog for the first time.

“Forgot about that, but you lose and I win,” said Ross, Ross then takes some of Savannah’s stuff.

No, not her…unspecified stuff! Justice must be served!

“I hate him right now!” Savannah said.

“Because he’s a scam artist,” said Kaan.

”But I never played Tic Tac Toe like that, so we don’t know what rules apply,” said Savannah.

That’s because you’re not playing tic tac toe. You’re playing Tic Tac Ross, where the first rule is that there aren’t any rules attached to it.

“Well, we could challenge him to a rematch, with your stuff back to you when we win,” said Sierra.

Or you could kick the guy in the shin (or in the balls), steal back her ‘stuff,’ and proceed with your quest. Oh wait, I forgot, you’re not smart enough to come up with that idea.

“Then who’s going to do it?” Savannah said.

“Don’t worry Savannah, I’ll do it,” said Mason.

Okay, but don’t go calling it a trap the instant that you lose.

Then the scene goes to Mason and Ross with the Tic Tac Toe board again.

“So Ross, are there rules in this styled game of Tic Tac Toe?” Mason asked.

“I didn’t say there were rules,” said Ross.

Ross: Except that I’m the only one who can win it.

“Now stop jerking off and play,” said Mason.

Ross may have not been exposed as a scammer just yet, but the wording on this sentence suggests that he did get caught with his pants down.

Time skips and Mason’s O-rings were in the center and the bottom right, while Ross were in the top right and top center. It was now Mason’s turn. “Prepare to lose…”

When Mason tossed it at the top left, the ground suddenly crumbles with the ring, like what happened to Savannah.

“It looks like you lose, now give me your stuff,” said Ross.

I don’t know what this guy wants all their stuff for, but I’ll at least make a guess that he plans on exchanging them for a Doodle Darkness shelter supply’s worth of jawbreakers.

Mason then returns to the others…

“And now I lost, the same way how Savannah did,” Mason said, “What’s going on?”

It’s just the plot slowing down the progress of your quest as usual.

“He’s scamming us, you better believe it!” Sierra said.

Third time’s the charm, so maybe this is the point where they all decide they’re convinced he’s a swindler and stop giving him the satisfaction that he desires? What even is the point of this episode, I have to ask.

“And that’s why I want to RIP HIS FREAKING HEAD OFF!” Rick exclaimed,

I say this is forced edgelord humor at its finest.

“We have to out-scam him somehow, but I’m going to focus on the game, and I’m going to win it!”

The scene shows Rick and Ross, Ross won priorilly.

Well, so much for your non-existent strategy. This sure went by quick.

“GYAAAHHH!” Rick exclaimed.

“Now pay up, loser,” said Ross.

“You shut up, and I’ll give you my stuff. You’re going to lose, bet on it,” said Rick. Rick then returns with the others…

Knowing how things are going to pan out, I wouldn’t bet on it.

“So Rick didn’t take it pretty well,” said Sierra.

“Yep, we’re going to keep losing and he’s going to keep messing around,” said Rick, “We can’t let him interfere with our search.”

“So I think we should stop playing,” said Jason.

With how we’re getting all these understatements on how pointless this whole subplot is, you all definitely should.

“But we need our stuff back,” said Mason, “That Ross…he’s so clever, it makes me jealous.”

Why can’t you all just steal it all back? He’s clearly outnumbered by one to seven enchanted kids plus Savannah and an Austrian supermodel.

“There’s somebody to blame for this to happen, and it’s Savannah’s fault,” said Sierra.

Leave it to our sympathetic leader to scapegoat someone instead of condemning the scammer himself.

“What do you mean? I just got here and Ross was just too tricky, I didn’t know he was scamming me at first…” said Savannah.

“You should have known with that mysterious smirk on his face! You’re just here, because you wanted too, and Rick loves you,” Sierra replied.

Sure, Savannah didn’t even ask if she could tag along, but you sure don’t see her throwing around accusations that you’re only partaking in the search for Gakuto because of how much of a simp you are towards Rick.

“Are you being jealous again, Sierra?” Savannah replied.

What gave you that idea?

“Cut that out, you’re making me sound less of a nice girl!”

Implying that the pebble of Lust granted you the ability to be likeable, in which it doesn’t. I know the author expects me to think of Sierra as a ‘nice girl,’ but in hindsight, it’s clear that he doesn’t comprehend that lust and niceness are two different things. Sierra, as far as I’m concerned at this point in the spin-off, is a nice girl in the similar sense as men who call themselves nice guys. I get that the character’s envy towards Savannah gives her some more depth, but at that point, she could very well be the embodiment of Envy rather than Mason.

“You both stop fighting! We must figure out a solution to Ross’ tricks,” said Kaan.

“Let’s see, Ross already won against Savannah, Mason, and Rick. You and me are definitely not going against him, while it’s just Jonah, Jason, Theo, and Vivian to save the day,” Sierra examined.

Okay, but besides the obvious fact that Ross is a swindler, what’s your excuse for not playing, even it means helping your own brethren?

“I think I’ll do that later,” said Vivian.

“I didn’t say you can do it right now,” Sierra said to Vivian.

The way how you’re defending yourself about it says otherwise.

“Don’t worry Sierra, we got your back, and we’re going to beat the living heck out of Ross!” Jason vowed.

Huh, I thought violence is Rick’s answer to everything.

“Can we get some food first?” Theo added.

He can’t play a game of rigged tic tac toe on an empty stomach.

The next day, Theo, Jason, and Jonah were priorilly challenged to Ross, they all lost.

The French Narrator must be groaning from inside his submarine over these lazy scene transitions. Also, I should point out that ‘priorilly’ is not a word.

”I can’t believe it, he’s unstoppable!” Jason said. Ross is then seen taking away their stuff.

Nah, you just got scammed…or you just suck at tic tac toe.

“I want my stuff back, I want it, I want it!” Jonah said.

Did you get that? Let me repeat that. She wants her stuff back.

“Too bad, you lost against me,” said Ross.

For an accomplished scammer, he sure isn’t so creative with his boasts.

“Damn it, I guess we have to give up now,” said Mason.

“No, Vivian still hasn’t played against Ross yet,” said Sierra, “Vivian, you will be honored if you win against that jerk!”

“Do I have to?” Vivian said.

Given all that has transpired in this episode, I don’t blame her for not wanting to partake in being the conflict resolution.

“We need our stuff back, it’s all or nothing in our territory,” said Jason.

“Hmmm, it looks like I have one person left to face until you guys…” Ross was saying,

Until they what!? What were you going to say?

“If I win, I take away one of your non-competitors.”

“No, please at least anybody except Sierra and Kaan!” Jonah said.

Oh, the fish-anity! The author sure does know how to raise the stakes.

“Since it’s going to be the last deal you will offer, I will go for it,” said Vivian.

To be fair, I wouldn’t mind if the spin-off proceeded if Sierra was no longer their sister.

Then it shows Vivian and Ross with the board. Vivian’s rings were on the center, and the bottom right squares, while Ross’ were on the top right and the top center. It was now Vivian’s turn, as she takes her time.

“Are you going to toss it already?” Ross asked.

Be patient with her, she’s just lazy.

Vivian then tosses it to the middle right.

“Haha, it looks like I win everything,” said Ross and tosses his ring to the top left, but the ring falls afterwards.

Ross: Curses, foiled again.

“Shocking isn’t it?” Vivian said and tosses her next one to the middle left, making her win. With her victory, Sierra and the others cheered.

If you were going to come up with a cleverer remark, you could’ve said that Ross’s predicament was in pits, or that his win streak was now six feet under, or something else.

“How did you know?” Mason said surprised.

She was wearing her plot armor.

“I don’t know what was going on until I noticed he had a remote behind his back,” said Vivian, “Then I swiped it.”

So that was the scam, huh? I was expecting nothing, but wow, what a copout to an already pointless episode.

With Vivian’s victory, everybody gets their stuff back. Then Ross looks at Sierra and co. angrily.

“I may have lost, but I have better goals…” said Ross and leaves.

If one of those goals involves entering the scalper’s market, then I doubt you’ll go far.

“He didn’t even give us information, he lied to us,” said Sierra.

If you knew he was a scammer from the start and that he only wanted to play some rigged tic tac toe, I don’t understand why you couldn’t have interfered.

While Sierra and co. were walking by, they see a TV with a news report of Horacio killing a Swiss army…

They have beaten a scam artist,

So, what have we learned from this? If you have a hard time dealing with a swindler, the best solution is to be a lazy bum. That’s what I think the episode is trying to tell me.

Horacio and his crew beat the general,

But I thought he defeated an entire army. Is this episode recap even paying attention anymore?

and they are not too close to seeing each other again.

So, in other words…everything I’ve been saying about how pointless this episode was is all completely valid.

To be continued…

 

Steel: Yeah, even I don’t know what I was thinking when I decided to write this episode. I just thought I’d mention that.

I think I’m already summing up my feelings on the episode when I say that Horacio and DoodleBob’s trip to Switzerland was more interesting than whatever was going on for the Gakuto kids. Aside from a few tidbits like tensions with Savannah rising, the introduction of the Scribble Seven, and the episode giving the spin-off's usual sideliner, Vivian, a chance to shine, none of things prevent the episode from being pure filler. At the very least, I can cap it off with this….

 

RANDOM CHARACTER SPOTLIGHT OF THE EPISODE

ROSS:

What we know about him so far: A well-renown champion in his own rigged game of three-dimensional tic tac toe, as long as he’s the one with the remote that activates the trapdoors. He’s a tough customer who bets against one’s possessions in exchange for information as a reward for defeating him. Although, this may just be an excuse to have someone play tic tac toe with him.

Information I could add about him: Got caught cheating in speedruns and as well as in various video game tournaments before making ends meet by roping strangers into playing his game.

Will we be seeing him again?: Filler characters don’t last very long, so all that I could presume is that he is fixated on his goals before the world plunges into Doodle Darkness. One thing’s for sure, I don’t want to think about what his NFTs would look like, if that’s where his life of swindling is heading now.

 

 

---THIS EPISODE OF CBC3 IS SPONSORED BY RAID: SHADOW LEGENDS OR SOME CORPORATE MAINSTREAM TRASH LIKE THAT. I DON’T ACTUALLY HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT, SO LET’S JUST PROCEED---

 

 

12. Uptight, Theo’s Alright

We are here once again with the episode titles reference old R&B/soul songs, and this time we are greeted with a reference to a Stevie Wonder song.

“We give you a news report about a sad tragedy in Switzerland where a great general has passed from a powerful strike from what people call Horacio.

Horacio is so powerful that he now has a weapon named after him.

That man and his army continue to raid the town they have approached, and soon, they could take over Switzerland. But some soldiers are working on conquering him and restore peace, that’s all for today’s news,” said the news reporter.

So that’s it, must be a slow news day.

“This is really bad, those poor souls…” said Sierra.

“But we also need to keep searching for Gakuto, so one or two of us must go off to Switzerland and stop Horacio,” said Jason.

Or you could all go? After being played by a con man, I don’t see much of a reason to keep searching in Michigan.

“Good thinking,” said Mason.

Ugh…

“Well, I nominate Kaan, he’s good enough,” said Vivian, “And I won’t complain if he’s gone for a long time.”

“I want to go to! He must be stopped!” Jonah said.

Well, I think that confirms Jonah being the strongest Guru Gakuto character.

“And now we have a strong candidate,” said Savannah.

Holy crap, Joe Biden’s going to defeat Horacio!

“Can I come too?” Theo asked.

“Sure, but just don’t try to bite my arm off,” said Kaan.

So, should I find it off how Gakuto’s kids are just agreeing to having two of their own work separately when the main point of their dynamic is that they’re inseparable until they all find Gakuto together, or…?

The others wave good luck for the three when Kaan flies off in his jet.

Hey, wait a minute. I thought Horacio stole Kaan’s jet and the helicopter from a few episodes ago is their new main mode of transport. This is such a big plot hole, I can’t stop thinking about what may have happened. Did Horacio just visit Michigan for one moment and steal the helicopter and just parked the jet out in the open like he’s doing carpool or whatever you may call what I’m describing?

”So, what’s the next lake to go to search for Gakuto?” Jason said.

I think the dilemma with Ross and Horacio taking over Switzerland has pretty much nulled any possibility of Gakuto being anywhere in Michigan.

”Let’s see…we should be heading for Lake Huron,” said Sierra.

“Okay then, let’s go to that Huron place!” Savannah said and the others started heading for the next lake.

Meanwhile, with David and the Swordsman…

Ah yes, two very important characters that I’ve been yearning to see again.

“You’re pretty persistent,” said the Doodle Swordsman.

“Yeah, because you’ve been forcing me from sudden movement all day, I say you’re very tough,” said David, “Are you going to let me go now?”

I thought it’s because he’s literally doing nothing to you except keeping you on watch.

“Yes, and then I will spill the beans about you running in the DoodleBob family,” the Doodle Swordsman replied.

I suppose DoodleBob isn’t too fond of limping or crawling either.

“Very well, then can you spill some more about what in the world is going on right now?” David replied.

Doodle Swordsman: We could tell you, but the author doesn’t feel like it, so you get nothing.

“You are so foolish, Horacio has been doing some business in Switzerland anyways, but that’s it! Horacio hasn’t given me the full organization about what to do with you, so you’re just going to stay for however long it takes.”

In the next scene, Kaan, Jonah, and Theo have arrived in Switzerland.

Well that’s over with, so what was the point in checking on up with them anyway?

“It sure is quiet,” said Jonah.

“That’s because nobody is there, silly!” Theo said.

Not the best place to be making jokes, especially considering that you’re the subject of the episode’s title.

“We have to be quiet and very still too, who knows if Horacio is watching our every move,” said Kaan.

Behind the three’s perspectives were few of Horacio’s doodle soldiers watching them very closely and holding AK-47. They still watch before getting ready to aim.

I think I’m now convinced that DoodleBob and his organization are in cahoots with the NRA.

“The Turkish dude over there is the only one vulnerable,” one of the doodle soldiers said.

So he’s not Austrian. I can’t say I’m dazed by how the author is getting his characters mixed up.

“Yep, the other two have those Pebbles of Life, as Horacio said,” another one said.

Jonah: Hey, where are those voices coming from and why are they talking about the Pebbles of Life?

“Not today…” said Curtis, “According to our orders given from Horacio, those pebbles can be cracked from the astonishing material design in our pistols,” he then gets ready to aim.

Oh hey, it’s been a while since we last saw that guy.

“Hope this works…” another one of the soldiers said.

“Well, we still have to investigate, we can’t lose Gakuto’s trail,” said Kaan.

“Lose his trail? We can’t even find it,” said Jonah.

I don’t think he even has one.

“We still have to watch out…” said Kaan.

Suddenly, a gunshot was heard, the pistol was seen going through Theo’s pebble of life, and then through his neck.

“Oh my god, it’s Theo!” Kaan said when he sees Theo comatose from the gun shot.

”We have to leave quickly!” Jonah said.

Kaan and Jonah then quickly ran back to the jet, with Theo carried around. Kaan ignites the jet and flies off.

I know this is a very serious moment, but it’s so hard to take seriously with these pacing issues. Like, so much for watching out and as well for looking for Gakuto in Switzerland.

“He’s been shot in the neck…and the pebble of life is showing off a gap stain,” said Kaan, “His pebble is destroyed and Theo’s slain.”

Does Kaan recite his own poetry in moments like these?

“Theo can’t be dead! I want him to stay alive!” Jonah exclaimed.

“Well, his blood is still flowing out from his outlet,” said Kaan, “It’s going to turn into a series of tears when we tell the others about what happened.”

What does that say about his pulse or his breathing though? You should be more concerned about either.

”It looks like Theo won’t be alright,” said Jonah.

But…but…the episode title said that he is alright! Argh, Guru Gakuto betrayed us!

Sierra and the others were at Lake Huron staring down the calm stream, just waiting for Kaan, Jonah, and Theo. Sierra saw Kaan’s jet, with both him and Jonah with a frown on their faces.

“Did anything go wrong in Switzerland?” Sierra asked.

Why did you think they returned so soon?

“It’s even worse,” Kaan said, and shows them the comatose Theo, with blood still drenched on his body from his neck.

“Is Theo d-?” Rick said.

Damp? Dizzy? Dope? Dilapidated? Dazed? Deformed? Dehydrated? …

Sierra cuts him off and says, “Don’t say that word…a time like is for our manner to become poignant and sober,” said Sierra and then breaks out into tears.

I have no idea what you’re trying to say from that flowery dialogue.

“I can’t believe my eyes,” said Jason.

“I swear a bullet shot through his pebble and then his neck, he lost his vulnerability. And he will soon be d-“Kaan explained.

It’s okay, author’s past self, you can normalize saying “Theo is dead.”

Sierra squeals before Kaan can finish.

Horacio better watch his back now that he’s unleashed Sierra’s squeak of rage.

“Hey Kaan, what are we going to do now?” Vivian said, changing the subject.

”Be serious Vivian, we can’t let one of our comrades d...d…you know,” said Kaan.

She is asking a serious question, though.

“Come on, I would even show this face at weddings,” Vivian replied.

Nope, nevermind…why…just why? What is your reason for saying this?

“What if somebody tries to kill you?” Kaan replied.

“I don’t know.”

You’ve been chased down by DoodleBob and his horde for more than ten episodes now. Why shouldn’t you know?

“Theo must survive; we need to remodel his pebble of life, if that’s the likely thing to do,” said Jason.

“Yeah, and I feel like KILLING SOMEBODY FOR SUCH A THING!” Rick exclaimed.

“Where does Gakuto make such a strong pebble anyway?” Kaan asked.

“I don’t know, if he’s dead, he’s dead,” said Savannah.

Oh snap.

That was where Sierra urged to grab on to Savannah’s shirt with a serious-outraged look on her face, until she was too teary to go on.

“Savannah, for somebody who’s in near death, you give some respect,” said Jason.

To be fair, she was also stating the facts.

“So now we have to make another pebble for Theo? What if he wobbles around like if his insides is composed of gelatin?” Rick asked.

Is that your biggest concern?

“We must do it for Theo,” said Jonah.

“Now, we need to find some crystals, and make into a pebble of life to keep Theo on our side,” said Sierra. 

”I’m having a feeling Theo won’t be himself either,” said Mason, “What I mean is that he won’t that famished mood we’re all known to.”

Why Gakuto decided to resurrect you all under the enchantment of the Seven Deadly Sins is still beyond me.

The scene then goes to Spongebob and Sandy in their usual setting.

I should be complaining about the episode shifting its focus away from something important, but I think I’m used to these untimely scene transitions at this point.

“So you’ve been back from that dreadful place Horacio almost imprisoned you in, right?” Spongebob asked.

You mean you haven’t noticed until now?

”You’ve been asking me that a bunch of times already,” said Sandy, “And you know, you don’t seem to be really happy since DoodleBob came back with a major upgrade.”

“I’m afraid so,” said Spongebob.

“Lighten up, because things are going smoothly with those seven kids in-charge, what abrupt force can make things worse?” Sandy asked.

And I presume that this is the part where the tranquility ends with Horacio, DoodleBob, and maybe also their entire horde breaking into the office.

Then, Horacio appeared, along with DoodleBob, Doodle Swordsman, and Doodle Wizard. David was there too, wrapped around by the Doodle Swordsman.

Wow, what were the odds?

“What do you want now?” Spongebob said.

“To warn you,” said Horacio, “We have the capability to make sure those kids come back dead or alive.”

Although you had your doodle soldiers kill Theo, so I doubt you’d want them alive anyway.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Sandy asked.

 “We can’t tell you until you see the truth,” said Horacio, “In a while we will be departing…”

Horacio: We could tell you, but the author doesn’t feel like it.

“Don’t you both understand? Horacio had his men kill-“said David, but was cut off when the Doodle Swordsman forces his sword to his neck again.

Your small contribution to this scene is appreciated.

“You can’t kill that guy too,” said Spongebob about David, “Even though we don’t even know him.”

Even the spin-off is just as aware of how bland David is as a character.

“The Doodle Swordsman is going to make sure David does not escape. I also have a deal,” said DoodleBob.

“DoodleBob…I’ve always known you’re an evil depiction,” said Spongebob.

“I’m going to stay here,” said DoodleBob, “David gets it unless you give in to me, and I mean all your friends too.”

“You think I’m a lunatic? I would never do that,” said Spongebob.

I wish I could understand what this whole conversation is about, but it’s too vague and unnatural to make me care.

“Horacio, we shall go,” said the Doodle Wizard.

“Well, it’s nice meeting you both again,” said Horacio, “I will be back,” he finished, and leaves with the Doodle Wizard, the Doodle Swordsman, and David. While Spongebob and Sandy look into DoodleBob in fear.

DoodleBob: So…have you seen any good shows, lately?

Meanwhile, with Sierra and co…

Goodness gracious, this spin-off is running at a hundred miles an hour.

“It’s a propitious thing that Lake Huron has some crystals,” said Mason.

I don’t think you’re old enough to say words like ‘propitious,’ but sure.

“And now we have completely carved it as a Pebble of Life,” said Sierra.

Sierra wraps gives it to Theo, whose neck was seal after the bleeding stopped.

Theo’s neck: BABY I COMPARE YOU TO A KISS FROM A ROSE ON THE GREY-

It had unfortunately no effect, making Sierra teary again.

“So I guess we really lost him now,” said Mason.

“Are you forgetting something, Sierra?” Jonah said.

“I think it’s possible that her distressed emotions aren’t getting into the hard work of reviving Theo,” said Kaan.

Okay, seriously, what the heck is up with this occasional weird dialogue?

”That too…and Gakuto said we were resurrected at some kind of resurrection congregation, but I don’t know what it and where it is,” said Sierra.

“Don’t worry Sierra, we will find it,” said Jason.

”So would this mean that we have to drag a dead body around until he’s live and well?” Savannah said.

There goes Savannah lightening up the mood once again.

“Savannah thank you for such information but set this one out,” said Sierra.

What information? She just made another quip about your adoptive brother being dead.

“With Theo like this, how are we going to continue? My face still feels really empty,” said Mason.

Once again, I have to ask, who talks like this???

“Let’s just go to Lake Superior, and things will be alright,” said Kaan.

Yeah, just take them to another lake instead of figuring out how to save Theo. That will cheer them up.

In the next scene, it shows Justin riding his motor through Lake Michigan.

“Those guys can easily get on my nerves, especially that one guy,” said Justin, about Rick. He then puts on shades and says, “I happen to be a potential badass.”

I think the word you’re looking for is ‘pretentious douchebag.’

One life lost, but never in their hearts.

That’s deep, man.

Whatever they can do, they must find the Sin Circle, if they have word of it in general and regarding its location.

It looks like the Gakuto crew not knowing where that place is, let alone what it is, is something that we’re just going to have to deal with for a while.

For now, they go onward to Lake Superior.

To be continued…

 

Well…it’s not saying much, and it took twelve episodes for me to feel this way about Guru Gakuto, but I think we’re finally at the crux where the spin-off is starting to become interesting and going somewhere. The story writing is still lacking in nuance, predictable as sin, and it’s besieged with poorly-worded dialogue, so my expectations towards the season’s finale are still very much low. Next time, I’ll just have to see if the next episode can exempt all the problems that I’ve had with the spin-off.

 

RANDOM CHARACTER SPOTLIGHT OF THE EPISODE

DAVID:

What we know about him so far: UHHHHHHHHH….

Information I could add about him: UHHHHHHHHH….

Will we be seeing him again?: We’re going to keep seeing this character a lot, given his status as a “major” supporting character…but also UHHHHHHHHHH….

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8. Lame-nt (Guru Gakuto; Episodes 13)

Well...better late than never, right?

We have reached the climax point of season 1, and that means that this should be the instance where the spin-off gets interesting. So far, Guru Gakuto has failed to impress me beyond its premise, so I know I have to keep my expectations low. Since I have gotten this far, I feel like the next batch of episodes should be more rewarding, and we’re starting off with an episode titled…

13. Lament

The one-word title says it all. This could be the episode that makes or breaks this spin-off.

In a matter of time, Sierra and co. appeared in Lake Superior.

They made it to Lake Superior, and it was only a matter of time that they’d make it there. As if they haven’t made it to the Great Lakes in the last couple of episodes.

“Here we are: Lake Superior,” said Kaan.

Is it going to be so important that the story is going to keep reminding us that?

”I’m still upset though,” Sierra said, still thinking about Theo.

So she’s not also thinking about wanting to give Savannah a knuckle sandwich?

“We’re all saddened, but we’re still caught up on our search for Gakuto, and we’re not giving up hope on finding the revival chamber either. It’s okay Sierra,” Mason said, trying to comfort.

Well, your comforting skills could use some work.

”No, it’s not okay…” said Sierra; “I suppose Gakuto is not here either.”

With the spin-off going many miles an hour without any real progression, the feeling is mutual.

“We tried,” said Kaan.

“Hopefully, it won’t get any worse,” said Jonah.

In the next scene, Gakuto and the others were shown planning a war attack like in the mid-40’s.

Wait-wait-wait-wait, hold up! Gakuto...the one person that the seven deadly sins kids are trying to look for…is planning a war strategy World War II style? Either that’s the series’ biggest and most unprompted plot twist, or that just has to be a typo. Man, when Jonah is right, she’s right.

“For their attack on their grounds, Doodle Swordsman and Doodle Wizard coming to it,” Horacio said referring to Sierra and co., “I will take an omnipresent role and start with that yellow sponge.”

Okay, so it is a typo and somehow the author mistook Horacio for Gakuto for some reason, but the damage is already done.

“You cant do this!” David said.

David: I still haven’t gotten the chance to properly establish my own character!

”All’s fair is love and war,” said Gakuto, “When Doodle Swordsman takes you to Lake Superior, you are free to go, but that will only last for three seconds.”

Again with the mention of Gakuto, so unintentionally, the story expects me to think that he and Horacio are somehow in kahoots, let alone in the same room.

“What do you mean?” David asked.

“You’re going to be dead than alive when you have the chance to cover your integrity,” Horacio said.

No, no, David is right. What are you even trying to say, Horacio? You just can’t pull out random words from the dictionary to make yourself sound smart.

“I know they’re going to find out some day, but I have the guts,” David replied.

You may have guts and the ego to boot, but Horacio has an army, so you’re outmatched.

“Alright then,” said Horacio, “But you’re still going to be escorted out of here, while I stay here and think.

Horacio: I could have the opportunity to strike, but today, I require more time for thinking!

Yes, I’ll wait, and Doodle Swordsman…”

”What would be your request, sir?” Doodle Swordsman said.

”From my studies, there’s some guy wandering around here, bring back some evidence,” said Horacio.

It goes back to Lake Superior, but starting with Justin riding his motorcycle around the forest. His shades flash in the moonlight and he then pulls out from his vehicle.

Man, isn’t he so cool, exhibiting some of the most basic bad boy stereotypes?

“Lake Superior, they must be here,” said Justin.

I guess it’s the golden rule for Guru Gakuto’s characters to remind me of this fixed location of theirs whenever they’re present in Lake Superior.

While Justin was still driving around, the seven were having a conversation.

His motors were so hot that the main seven blipped past his radar.

“Look guys, if Theo is dead, he’s dead. And speaking of that revival place wasn’t that just a myth?” Savannah said.

Savannah back at it again with her ham-fisted concern trolling.

“That’s because you don’t know anything. I was there, and so was everybody else.

This may be an appropriate time to give the people in the back who had never met Gakuto, or been revived by him, a good ol’ lecture about him, but we’re not really asking for it.

Kaan hasn’t, but he believes in that.

Kaan: I just fly stuff. You don’t have to bring me into this.

Throughout, you have been nothing but rude and self-absorbed,” said Sierra.

“Look at her everybody: she is the lustful one,” Savannah said sarcastically,

Savannah: She’s the embodiment of Lust and she hasn’t gotten laid once!

“I wasn’t trying to be rude or egocentric miss, and you should know that Rick cares about me.”

“But…you just get in my nerves, you’re the first person who has,” Sierra replied.

Nice “No u” argument, Sierra. You should find someone who’s better at writing your own roasts.

”Because you love Rick, don’t you?” Savannah said,

As a sibling, if I may add, but after all those earlier implications, I still really don’t want to be forced into pro-ship territory.

“My apologies pal. That just had to be brought up.”

At the very least, that harsh reminder could help Sierra get her priorities straight.

“Stop it, please!” Sierra exclaimed.

“I don’t know why you guys want to find your father anyways; he might probably find you,” Savannah said.

She must truly be a Reddit user with the way she keeps doubling down on her lack of empathy towards Sierra.

“Because he’s missing, and the world is going to be in chaos!”

Nah, he clearly abandoned you lot. You all might as well just accept it at this point, because I’ve already been convinced that since I began riffing this.

“What about your mother?”

Ohhhh, she’s going in for the big guns, now!

“I…don’t…know, and you’re going to pa…just please don’t speak of that again, and try not to make me any more angry!” Sierra said, confused with the words Savannah brought up. Sierra then breaks again, but only a little bit.

Sierra is broken? Well, that’s a major inconvenience.

“Surprisingly, I’m curious about that,” said Rick.

“Me too,” said Jonah.

This is so jarring. From what I understand, the seven children of Gakuto were reincarnations of past lives that would otherwise have come from different families. The spin-off already establishes that they were all revived and reborn as his adopted children from the Sin Circle, and he’s been raising them all by himself until he decidedly up and went. There was no mother figure present and Gakuto’s kids don’t seem to have clear memories of their past lives. The logistics of non-biological families shouldn’t be so hard to understand, and yet the spin-off makes it seem so complicated.

“Forget about it,” said Sierra.

Agreed.

“It looks like you’re building up an emotional breakdown, Sierra,” said Mason.

What gave you that idea?

“No, I’m perfectly fine! You know I’m the lenient one!”

You’re the what now? When you’re acting less than compassionate right now, suppose that is what you mean by being ‘lenient,’ you shouldn’t be one to speak.

Sierra exclaimed who is obviously being agitated.

So, how much involvement did Captain Obvious have in the writing for this episode? It sure does feel like he’s cranking it up to eleven.

“Well, our lips are sealed now,” said Rick.

“If it makes you feel better Sierra, I’ll find that place for you,” said Kaan, “Even though I may not.”

Nice save, dude.

“I would be pleased,” said Sierra.

Kaan then takes the supposedly-dead Theo and flies away in his jet.

Yeah, just trust some weird European model to fly around with a corpse.

“He’s a strong, reliable guy,” said Mason, “I wish I was like that.”

“And he’s pretty handsome, we’re lucky to have a guy like him,” said Vivian. “We better leave now. If Gakuto is not in Lake Superior, then there’s no use for us to be here.”

Vivian once again being the voice of reason, excluding the whole bit about her simping over this Kaan fellow.

Then, lights flashing from Justin’s motorcycle shined in their eyes. Thus, Justin has arrived.

I guess this was before the author had known of the word ‘headlights.’

”Huh, he followed us all the way here?” Savannah said.

Must have missed the moment where he gave you a ransom note that read “Let’s talk like adults.”

“Yes. Today, I show no mercy,” said Justin.

“And to think we just met him,” said Mason.

As petty as he is, you got to give him some credit for his commitment to drive up north from the gulf coast to get back at the two-timer.

Meanwhile, it shows Spongebob, Sandy, and DoodleBob back in Bikini Bottom.

Oh yeah, these guys have their own plot too. How could I forget?

“What do you want me for?” Spongebob asked.

Just to boast, in the old fashioned way that villains usually do.

”I’m only here to boast and talk. As you can see, with a powerful army organized by Horacio, Bikini Bottom will be ours, or even the subterranean area of Earth!” DoodleBob said.

If you’re successful enough, you could rule the entire Tri-State Area.

“You’ll never do that!” Spongebob said.

Yeah, you go, SpongeBob, crush that doodle’s dreams!

“You may have saved Bikini Bottom numerous times, but you’re looking at a true disaster!” DoodleBob said. “How about you take a look?”

Spongebob, Sandy, and DoodleBob enter outside, to see utter destruction of Bikini Bottom, days since Spongebob stayed inside his office.

Wait, so those two were being self-quarantined all this time? How can you expect to be able to run a city if you’re not doing the job you should be doing?

“I guess I was in my office for too long,” said Spongebob.

I don’t think going ‘Uh-oh, Spaghetti-o’s’ over the idea of most of your people ending up homeless from the destruction of the very city you’ve been leading is the appropriate way to react.

DoodleBob gives half a facepalm and then says,

Wow, even the supreme overlord of Doodle Darkness is irritated over SpongeBob’s incompetence.

“Look at this: clouds with ink, Horacio’s men, and plain, simple misery are what are going on now!”

If Nikocado Avocado was around, he’d be telling you that ‘iiiiiiiiiit’s YOUR fault!’

Somewhere in the background, one of Horacio’s men erased a fish into ashes.

SpongeBob: Oh no, one of my civilians died. Anyway…

“Admittedly, Bikini Bottom seemed a bit fine after I escaped, but I never expected such horror,” said Sandy.

That what happens when you don’t step outside like you should.

“Well, Gakuto’s team is going to keep finding them, and then you can say good-bye to your tyranny!” Spongebob said.

“To me, it’s likely going to last until every last mantelpiece of Bikini Bottom’s power busts!” DoodleBob said and then was ready to leave,

So much for that plastic singing fish being a viable source of power against Doodle Darkness.

“I’m done. And remember, I have the secondary control!” After that, DoodleBob leaves Spongebob and Sandy alone.

What do you mean you have secondary control? You’re the main villain of this spin-off.

“It wasn’t meant to be, everybody’s going to be a goner,” said Spongebob, physically developing tears in his eyes until crying a river.

SpongeBob: Now everyone is going to vote me out of office for doing nothing! This is the worst day ever!

“You’re a strong, lovable manager Spongebob,” said Sandy, “And a child at heart. That’s what I like about you.”

And you have a bad taste in men.

“What about DoodleBob and that Horacio guy?” Spongebob asked, “I’m thinking about giving up. Their reign of terror is unbelievable to my eyes.”

”Look, they’re strong, but I know you’re stronger,” said Sandy, “Anyways, you can’t give up. We still develop an implausible force, and I know you’re a believer.”

Sandy: My words of motivation may sound really ham-fisted, but I am doing my best!

“Sandy…I find your mind into sorrow pretty rare.

How did the author think this sounded like a real sentence people would say?

You’re a good friend,” Spongebob replied.

I think the term you’re looking for is ‘A great pal (and more!).’

”Well, I do have one moment that stays in my mind, I’ll explain that later,” Sandy replied.

Why not say it now? Clearly, you and SpongeBob aren’t doing anything except mope.

Then, Kaan’s jet arrives and comes down.

“You must be Kaan,” said Sandy.

“Holy shrimp, Theo is dead?!” Spongebob said with surprise.

SpongeBob sure knows how to jump the gun on the subject.

“I’ll give explanations later; do you know where Theo and the others were resurrected?” Kaan asked.

No, no, do proceed. There’s no point in dodging that question now.

“Come with me, I’ll see what I can find through my computer,” said Spongebob.

Oh yeah, because if there’s any source of information on where the Sin Circle is located, it has to be on the internet...which they had the whole time!

Spongebob, Sandy, and Kaan then rush inside. Horacio appeared without a notice. When they started using the computer, Horacio uses his eraser to jam the electricity and make the office black out.

Horacio dropping in to destroy their technology before Patrick could.

In the next scene, David, Doodle Wizard, and Doodle Swordsman were seen walking around the forest.

David: So here we are in Lake Superior...

“Nothing suspicious yet,” said Doodle Wizard.

“Yes, because it would better if those teens showed up seconds ago,” Doodle Swordsman said sarcastically.

“I think they could be a mile away…” said David.

David: ...from the nearest Pizza Castle.

“Tell your lies all you want, we still have you captive,” said Doodle Swordsman.

From a mile away, Sierra and the others were shown again.

Wow, he wasn’t even lying this time.

“So I’m a dirty liar, but me and Rick are like love at first sight…or second in that case,” said Savannah.

Everyone may hate her but at least she’s got Rick to simp her toxic behavior.

“I’d say plenty. I was there…and I saw it,” said Justin.

She’s got a long list of ex-lovers, that’ll tell you she’s insane.

“She cheated more than once?” Sierra questioned.

She probably also uses AI to write her homework.

“But she hasn’t caused any more crime, ITS A FREAKIN’ MISUNDERSTANDING, I TELL YOU!” Rick exclaimed.

“Yes, defend your girlfriend. Maybe in the next day, she’ll find true love, again and again,” said Justin.

“I’m so confused now…I happen to know that on the inside, Savannah has some hidden honesty in there,” said Rick.

I don’t think confusion is the same thing as ignorance, but you do you.

“That ghost story,

Somehow that was important enough to bring up. Just tell him that she’s a grifter.

falling in love WITH YOU. She’s been lying to your face,” said Justin, and brings out a sword, “I challenge you.”

Wow, he’s not holding back.

”Are you saying you want to kill me? Doing this for because of Savannah cheating on you is just too harsh and of course, I have a Pebble of Life, so I’m immune no matter what you do!” Rick replied.

Say, has anyone in the group remembered that they’re supposed to be looking for this Gakuto fellow, considering that the “Gakuto” we just saw at the start is really just an imposter?

“This isn’t good,” said Jason.

Rick accepts the challenge and Justin starts swiping away with his sword. “Damn it, I could at least use something,” said Rick.

Fight with your fists like a real Wrath-incarnate.

Rick just tries kicking away while avoiding Justin’s sword.

Rick: I should’ve known those Karate Kid movies wouldn’t help me!

Rick then starts swinging his fists around, but no matter what, Justin would be untouched. The less experienced Rick still uses his regular defenses against Justin, while Justin would keep swinging around his weapon.

What’s the point of this fight when he’s clearly outmatched? Just start it and end it with Justin impaling him with the sword.

Rick then sways around his right leg and hits Justin’s left leg to try and take difficulty for his balance.

Justin: Ahhh! I can’t believe you hit me in the leg with your leg!

Justin continues using his sword while Rick avoids as much as possible.

“This is where it ends,” said Justin, “where one white lie grows into a major quandary!”

I don’t even know what the frick you just said, but...proceed.

“But you’re the one causing the trouble!” Rick said.

“That’s what I do,” said Rick,

I agree,” said Rick.

“Even though for a series of lies Savannah has, I’m the direst and most feared citizen around!”

Rick just out-edgelorded himself...or is it Justin who’s actually speaking?

“Why couldn’t you just kill Savannah?” Rick replied.

Rick: Not that I’m asking you to...

“She’s a girl, and you were the one in the way for her. With you out of the way, I will be absolutely sure that Savannah will not experience any more karma. If she does…it won’t be my problem.”

But she totally deserves that karma, so what’s your point?

“David and the two doodles arrived at the lakeside and David grasped out from the Doodle Swordsman to run to Sierra and co., seeing the Swordsman ready to scythe through him, Rick prevented it with a swift punch in the chin.

Rick can’t even throw punches at someone who’s as much as a douchebag as he is, and yet he’ll wallop a Doodle with the same weapon no problem.

“David, you’re back!” Jason said.

“Not for long,” said Doodle Swordsman.

While panting, David says, “I’ve been captive by DoodleBob and Horacio with the swordsman, what’s going on?”

Just some love triangle/square/dodecagon plot shenanigans, so you’re not missing much.

“You missed a lot, I don’t want to explain it,” said Sierra.

The Doodle Swordsman was about to break against Rick’s grip against him, but Rick was still determined to hold on. That was until Justin sneaking snaps the Pebble of Life from Rick’s neck with a heave from his sword. Justin then quickly uses his sword to go through and slaughter Rick from about the end of the gut.

Man, the spin-off is killing its main characters faster than it could kill anyone in DoodleBob’s army.

A long moment of silence was shown while Rick leisurely falls to his death.

“He didn’t say he has no weakness,” Jason said softly and sprints away from Lake Superior.

Well, thanks so much for your attempt to show any ounce of sympathy, Jason.

“We better report this to Horacio,” said Doodle Swordsman, and he leaves along with the Doodle Wizard.

Doodle Swordsman: He did have us chasing after a dead child corpse, but this is only his concern…

“He’s slain, but the Pebble of Life isn’t damaged. Of course, the fetter is ripped,” said David.

A-are you sure about that choice of words?…

fetter: a chain or manacle used to restrain a prisoner, typically placed around the ankles.

“Rick…no, I dont want this to happen!” Sierra said and breaks into tears.

While crying for about 20 seconds, along with everybody else with a short series of tears, a sudden sensation goes through Sierra’s psyche. Her eyes started glowing white with anger and the rest of her body was showing off a blazing red polish.

“HE CANNOT DIE! MALICE SHALL BE CAUSED FOR WHAT HE’S DONE!” Sierra exclaimed.

Either she’s summoned an actual demon, or she got possessed by Rick’s ghost.

Sierra’s anger also causes strong winds to surround the area.

Must be tornado season somewhere in Michigan.

“Sierra…” said Savannah.

“PROPHET YOU ARE! BE GONE OR BE PUNISHED THROUGH MY BLISTERING AUTHORITY!” Sierra exclaimed.

I guess her unbridled rage caused her words to become flowery.

With that, Savannah was threatened to leave the lakeside.

I’d get the hell out of here too if I was told to be punished through their “blistering authority,” whatever that means.

While Sierra was still angry, Rick’s pebble was glowing, and Sierra’s glow was growing stronger until the whole area was blinded by the light. After that, Sierra was calm and the pebble’s thread was repaired.

“What happened?” Rick said.

Rick: And why do I have a shank on my back?

“Rick, youre back!” Sierra said with relief.

Yeah, let’s just forget that she was super pissed a mere moment ago.

“Well I’ll be,” said Mason.

”You’ll never believe what you’ve done Sierra; you suddenly went out of control and went furious. I don’t know how that brought Rick back to life, but it happened,” said David.

I heard they call that a ‘deus ex machina.’

Sierra simply breaks into tears again.

”What’s with you today, Sierra?” Vivian questioned.

“I feel horrible, I’ve never felt such fury, and I’m worried it could happen again,” said Sierra, “I blame myself.”

Sierra: The goal of my adventure is always to entertain. I’ve made a severe and continuous lapse in my judgment-

“It’s alright. Because I’m fine, and Kaan is going to revive Theo,” said Rick, “I bet everybody else feels saddened like you.” Sierra then exhaustingly hugs Rick.

It’s weird for Rick to be the one comforting Sierra here, but since all the others are so lacking in personality and are barely present in this episode, I’ll buy this.

“Yeah, I have pride, but I can’t seem to show it until Justin suddenly stabbed Rick,” said Jason, “I don’t feel sad though, but what I just saw was simply touching.”

Jason: I don’t know why I keep contradicting myself but-

“I’m envious, but it makes me upset when I demand too much,” said Mason.

”I’m lazy, but sometimes it puts me to shame,” said Vivian.

”I’m pretty greedy, but I hate it when I seem to be preferred as “spoiled,” said Jonah.

It’s in their genes, they can’t help it.

“Well, that’s few things to be sad about, but not as sad as what you’ve experienced,” said David, “For me, I’m upset for whatever bad thing happens and when guilt tries to eat me alive.”

David: This is my one attempt to shed some personality in this spin-off, so I better make it count!

“You’ll feel better Sierra, now let’s get out of here,” said Jonah.

Sierra and co. then walk away from Lake Superior, hoping for Kaan to come back with is jet.

At the rate this story is supposedly going in, I’m certain they’ll be going back to playing some 3D tic tac toe.

In another scene, Justin was shown walking away from the forest, and beginning to experience a flashback, showing a younger ego of him seeing his parents in front of an unknown figure, which could resemble Horacio.

Oh wow, so NOW we’re supposed to feel bad for him, after going out of his way to try and claim a life?

Almost everybody has a sad moment to look past.

Yeah, it’s a sad episode, but you’re not seeing tears coming out of my eyes.

Savannah’s guilt causes her to roam off,

I thought it was because demonic Sierra scared her out of her wits.

Justin’s easily tempered attitude causes one to almost die,

The second half is true, but as for the first half, nah, he was just being an a-hole.

which causes Sierra’s breakdown to go out of control. All that, and Spongebob and the others’ fate are unknown. In a matter of time, the sorrow could end.

...Or maybe it won’t. I’ve given up on hope towards the spin-off being anything good at this point.

To be continued…

In the original post for the episode, the author asked if it was the best episode he had written to date. For my long overdue answer to that inquiry, no. The episode is absolute trash. It’s all over the freaking place and tries to tie in so many plot threads without making any real progress with the story. There’s a slew of typos and nonsensical dialogue too, and the prose itself tries way too hard to be this emotional tearjerker, all to end a pointless romantic storyline, that somehow wins the prize for having writing that’s even more amateurishly-written and less nuanced than Total Drama World Tour’s love triangle plot, which goes to show that writing something out of spite doesn’t always do somebody favors.

So that ends Guru Gakuto Season 1, and it’s not very good. I don’t feel like doing the joke featured character, after all of that, I deserve a break from this series for a while. Of course, there’s only seven episodes left, which makes me wonder how it’s going to tie everything up by that point, but for now that’s the least of my worries. I’m going to try something different next, and I’m going to hope that the riffing theater gods don’t let me down…

image.png.8baeda57cb1344969b2fa7f7a7904221.png

...I hate you.

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