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To help get some festivity going heading into this latest iteration of Octerror Fest, I'm gonna be taking a look back at one of my older series and I'll be providing some good ol' fashioned commentary. Riff where needs riffing, critique where needs critiquing, and offer some "behind the scenes" insight where needs insighting. I hope you'll join me for the ride on this, admittedly quite brief, trip through memory lane. And if you weren't around during its time, then hopefully you'll get something of a kick out of it. Here to help me introduce tonight's Die-In feature, why, it's none other than TCM's very own Ben Mankiewicz!

Ben Mankiewicz: Hello, I'm Ben Mankiewicz, and you're watching OMJ's Die-In Theater, where we look to observe and dissect one of the old man's more surreal tales of terror. OMJ's first foray into the horror genre was in the middle of 2012, with his release of the still sorta fondly looked back on, "The Killer Krab". Now this spinoff would come at a pretty "make or break" time for the SpongeBob Community, having recently come fresh off the release of V8 Orca, which had released right after a posting drought had the entire forum in a death grip.

In the "The Killer Krab", Eugene H. Krabs, sole proprietor of the Krusty Krab if you didn't already know, went on a not-so discrete killing spree, murdering those who he deemed to be threats to his business. Everyone was fair game, he killed his only cashier, his star fry cook, his business rival, and he even went so far as to kill his own mother and daughter. It had a "victim-of-the-week" sort of structure, where each episode delved into a different victim or victims all while building up the main overarching plot between Krabs and SpongeBob. Aside from that, the spinoff also contained a gratuitous amount of playful callbacks and references to the original series that it was spun off from. Some thought it became a detriment after a while, some thought it made for some good black comedy for its time. This would be the crux for all 15 episodes, by the way, with one other episode airing as part of a proposed second season that would ultimately never see the light of day.

Fast forward a couple months later following "The Killer Krab's" conclusion to March 2013, when OMJ would post a strikingly similar piece of work, but this time, not based on the SpongeBob IP. This particular literature came somewhat during a time of transition for the old man; the acclaimed "S(lums)BU" was nearing its premature end on April Fools and just a few weeks later, "Community Deathmatch" would be unleashed upon the Spin-Off/Lit section. This lit became critically lauded during its time, being seen as a better executed and more realized product of "The Killer Krab" formula. Audiences everywhere never thought that they'd ever feel so attached to an inanimate object this side of "The Brave Little Toaster". Industry veteran, Steel Sponge, even gave it a positive review in one of the only official reviews of OMJ's work on the Reviews thread.

Tonight, you're about to dive into a tale that takes place in a world between real and fantasy, one that also happens to be right next to a paperback copy of Corduroy the bear. You are about to witness the beginning of the trials and tribulations of a bar of soap, just one talking household item in a mad house chock full of 'em. This particular bar of soap bears witness to one tragic event after another, feeling completely powerless to do anything about any of it until he finally has all he could stands and can't stands no more. Before we begin, OMJ wanted me to strongly emphasize that "no household objects were harmed during the making of this lit". From 2013, based on the popular 90s children's series, "Blue's Clues", this is Old Man Jenkins' "Slippery Smooth".

 

Plot: The trials and tribulations of a bar of soap.

Short, sweet and to the point. Nowadays, I'll probably be having this one, single sentence stretched out across two or three whole paragraphs!

First Night

Ahh, the diaper days when I would put just one space between the plot and the first chapter title.

After a long, hard, exhausting day of playing Blues Clues, 

Could've done without the "hard". Or "long". Hell, why not both.

Steve decided to unwind by taking a nice, warm, relaxing dip in his bath tub.

Mmm, steamy...

Steve: I am going to take a bath, because its really fun!

2013!OMJ, you were better than this, mang. It's! It's really fun!

Steve sang to himself as he trotted into the bathroom wearing his green striped bath robe.

Steve: Hey, Slip!

Yeah. He totally called him that.

Slippery slid on in from God knows where.

Jeez, I said that as if we weren't already IN the bathroom. Slippery's home turf!

Slippery: Hey Steve! I warmed it up for you.

This reference does not compute!

Steve looked around the bathroom as if he was looking for something before staring off into the distance and began to consult his "friends".

Steve: Do you see anything in here that I can use to better clean myself?

Slippery just bubbled in his own soap residue, still baffled as to who exactly Steve is actually talking.

Ironic where in a world with living, breathing household items, the idea of this one guy talking to people that aren't there is seen as just a bit too crazy.

Steve: Over there?

Steve asked, pointing at a toothbrush.

Spoiler alert, the toothbrush survives. Barely.

Steve: No? Could it be that?

Steve asked again, pointing at the toilet paper.

Now a chapter revolving around this right here would just write itself. Talking about some Flintstones shit.

Steve: Ohhh, you mean Slippery!

WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHH

Slippery's eyes widened at the mention of his name. 

Or it could just be the bath salts kicking in. That was kinda timely back in 2013.

He simply assumed he had a clue on him before realizing there wasn't a paw print to be found on him. 

I don't know if this justifies calling in the department of redundancy department, but it sure rolls off the tongue like it would. One too many hims.

Before he knew it, he was picked up by Steve and was submerged into the bath water as Steve made his descent into the tub. 

Note to self: sell Steve's bath water for top dollar in my spinoff store if we ever have another Spin-Off Fest.

Slippery couldn't even expect what was coming next. As Steve wiped Slippery against his skin, Slippery could only scream one thing.

Slippery: WHOOOOOOAAAH!

and boom goes the dynamite. As well as the end of this first chapter! Totally worth getting Ben Mankiewicz of Turner Classic Movies on board, mang. Make sure to buy a ticket and reserve a stall for tomorrow's feature showing, where things are bound to get ever so slightly weirder. Bye! See you soon!

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Ben Mankiewicz: Hello and thank you for joining us for Night 2 of our seven part commentary on "Slippery Smooth" by Old Man Jenkins, as we countdown the days to SBC's Octerror Fest 2020; the perfect dose of counter-terror to all the terror happening in our world now. I'm Ben Mankiewicz, and it looks like as though I'll be retained as your host for the duration of the Die-In Theater's run. Thank you for cruising on by and joining us in our festivities.

Last night, we were reintroduced to the wacky, hybrid world of "Blue's Clues", this time through a much more skewed lens that begged to ask the question; "just how can one live and operate in such a world where most everyday objects in your home has a fully functioning face grafted onto them and are also endowed with the gift of sentient life?" We got to peel back the layers a bit by taking a brief look into the everyday life of our protagonist, Slippery Soap, as he was used to clean the body of both his friend and owner, Steve (last name not yet known at this time).

Interesting thing to note about that scene, Slippery himself insisted that bringing in stunt soaps would be absolutely unnecessary as he wanted to perform all stunts himself, which included all instances of Steve making everyday use of him. This first shower scene, in particular, actually took the most takes during the lit's entire production cycle simply due to the fact that, well, it was just a weird thing for them to immediately come back to. But not too worry, they got themselves comfortable to the point where it only took slightly over a hundred takes to properly capture the events of tonight's feature.

Reaction to "Slippery Smooth's" first episode was largely positive, even garnering the most likes out of every episode during its run with a grand total of 8. Trophy proclaimed that the first episode provided the "BEST ENDING FOR ANY SPINOFF EPISODE EVER", which goes to show you the standards during its time. Classic Nickelodeon Fan, probably the one most qualified to critique this just by username alone, commented that "it may have ruined my childhood but I liked it." And speaking of ruined childhoods, the one single piece of criticism would come from Aya, who was "hoping that this would have gotten erotic tbh". I'll just go ahead and leave it at that.

Originally posted on March 15, 2013, this is the "Second Night".

 

Second Night

Fun little tidbit here regarding each episode title, I was completely uncreative at the time and just couldn't think of anything better!

Steve trotted into the kitchen, looking to grab a bite for dinner. Slippery, still slightly traumatized from the events of the previous night, slid inside the kitchen unnoticed.

Steve: I am going to fix up some dinner because eating is really fun!

That is very hard to say while trying to keep in rhythm to the beat of the original "we are gonna play Blue's Clues because it's really fun". Steve actually went out of his way to throw the script in my face as soon as he read it. I managed to dodge it, obviously, but Steven Burns, being the wanton professional that he really is, practiced it for about a good hour or so and the mad lad managed to nail it without getting tongue tied in just one take!

Steve sung to himself before heading into the fridge and taking out some left over meat. After that, he took out a baked potato before warming the meat up and took a seat at the table. 

These sentences have about as good structure as the house itself. And what, he's just gonna eat that baked potato cold?!

Steve took out a fork and knife, Slippery recognized them these utensils.

I recognize them there tools, I do dern reckon!

Slippery: Fork? Knife?

Ah yes, the infamous "Fork/Knife" scene. Allow me to break it down like this, a salad fork was all we had at the time of filming. Dinner fork tried to hold me and production up for more money so I told dinner fork to go find his money in the nearest fucking electrical outlet.

Steve went to dig on in, but stopped himself before looking up and staring off into the distance again to consult his "friends".

Steve: Do YOU know what this steak could use?

Something tragic and/or traumatic?

Steve asked, Slippery still oblivious as to who he's talking to. Steve walked over to the cupboard and came upon a familiar family.

Good night, John Boy! Good night, Jim Bob!

Steve: Could it be this?

Steve asked pointing at Paprika.

Zero to a hundred real fucking quick. Unfortunately, after Paprika's star also rose real fucking quick following a breakout year for her career in 2012, starring in such hit movies as "The Hangry Games" and "Silver Linings Cookbook", we simply couldn't afford to bring the original Paprika in to reprise her role, so we went to the store and bought a new one on sale.

Steve: No? Oh, I know what you're talking about.

Steve said before picking up Mrs. Pepper from the cupboard. Mrs. Pepper tried to plead with Steve, but his hand covered her mouth as walked her over to the table. 

Fuck proof reading, amirite.

Slippery looked on in horror as Steve proceeded to shake Mrs. Pepper violently over his meat. 

...And this show received flack for not being sexual enough?

Mrs. Pepper's words still muffled as Steve shook her until she was completely empty. 

Now that's seasoning a steak like a pro!

He placed her on the table after he was done. The empty pepper shaker no longer moved or made a sound.

Steve: Do you know what will good with these potatoes? Is it that?

I don't know, but I do know what'll go good with that first sentence.

Steve asked, trotting over and grabbing Cinnamon.

Man, a couple of salt and pepper shakers have more of a sex life than me.

Mr. Salt: Sacre bleu! No!

Greatly inspired by the immortal line, "Sacré bleu, invaders!" courtesy of Lumierre in Disney's Beauty and the Beast.

Steve: No?

Mr. Salt: No!

Steve: Oh, you mean Mr. Salt!

Fridge horror at its most rawest.

Steve threw a crying Cinnamon back into the cupboard with Parika 

Proof reading, pass it on like the egg salad. This message brought to you by The Ad Council.

before picking up Mr. Salt to take with him to the table. Slippery slid his way by the sink in order get a better look at the travesty happening before his soapy eyes. Steve began to shake Mr. Salt as violently as he did Mrs. Pepper. 

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Mr. Salt's screams could not be heard either as Steve's hand covered his mouth as well. Steve got his Billy's worth from Mr. Salt 

rofl when I made that Billy and Mandy reference just earlier I never counted on whatever the hell this was supposed to be.

and placed the empty shaker next to his just as empty wife, both no longer capable of moving or speaking. Slippery bubbled up in horror, frozen by the shock of it all. 

Again, it could just be the bath salts.

Steve finished his meal and went to the sink to wash his hands.

Steve: Slippery! I was just about to call you over!

Steve said with delight before picking Slippery up, holding a firm grip over him, as Steve ran warm water over both him and his hands.

Okay then, this sentence has worse structure than the house itself.

Slippery: WHOOOOOOAAAAH!!

and boom goes the dynamite.

Steve: Now when you're washing your hands, you make sure to washy gently and always use soap.

Yes, do that before you dry-y your hands.

Slippery felt powerless as he rubbed against Steve's greasy palms.

Steve: And don't forget to get in-between your fingers!

Wow, Steve from Slippery Smooth was on that covid tip a whole 7 years prior!

Steve tells his "friends" before doing just that. After about 10 seconds of this horror, Steve finally stopped and dropped Slippery into the soapy sink before drying off his hands and trotting off to find more of Blue's Clues. 

I sure hope that it's about finding whatever happened to everything I learned in English class.

Slippery emerged from the sink, gasping for life. He felt weaker than before but still managed to slide his way back into the sanctity of the bathroom where he will be safe, for now.

And that means we are now safe from another episode until tomorrow! Boy, if that scared your pants off, then make sure to reserve a stall for tomorrow when I'll call you out for being a pussy! Bye! Have a good night!

Edited by Old Man Jenkins
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Ben Mankiewicz: Hello and thank you again for stopping by the Die-In Theater and joining us as we get closer to the launch of Octerror Fest 2020 here on SBC. This will be Night 3 of our seven part series taking a look back on the lit that ruined some's childhoods, "Slippery Smooth" by Old Man Jenkins. I am your host, Ben Mankiewicz.

When we last caught up with Slippery, he was an unwitting guest to a dinner from hell, at least in his eyes. It seemed like just a normal Sunday night for the rest of us. Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper, or Mrs. Pepper and Mr. Salt if we go in order of their untimely demises, were the first characters to come to their, well, perfectly natural ends. But, they weren't always intended to be killed off this early on. Well, one of them anyway. During the initial drafting stages, OMJ originally intended to have only one of the two killed off in the second chapter. His original intent was to have a character secondary to Slippery who could share his plight and give the bar of soap someone to play off of in way of actual dialogue. That's right, Slippery originally had much more to say than just his trademark catchphrase. 

The surviving shaker would then go on to live long enough to see their children taken from them as well, thus prompting them into action. But unfortunately for Slippery, OMJ ultimately made the call to kill both husband and wife outright as a means to further heighten the hopelessness of the bar of soap's dire situation. Paprika and Cinnamon's fates were then relegated to being handled offscreen and the book was more or less closed on the shaker family. At least, as we knew them up to that point.

Tonight's feature will shine the spotlight on a somewhat more integral character to the original "Blue's Clues" dynamic. Just how integral, you may be wondering? You'll just have to play Blue's Clues to find out. Originally posted on March 16, 2013, this is the "Third Night".


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Gerald: Hey, Arnold, there is something just not right about that girl.

Arnold: What do you mean, Gerald? She isn't acting any differently than she normally does.

Gerald: She took a big ol' huge whiff of your goldy locks, cuz, that's what's up!

Arnold: Motherfucker, she did what?!

Helga G. Pataki was your average, normal, everyday girl. She had it all; a family that despised her, a boy that was too out of reach and an obsession that has spiraled out of control. However, all of that changed when she...

Phoebe: Helga, the growth of monobrows are seen in some cultures as a telltale sign of harbored jealousy. Why don't you just talk to Arnold, actually get to know him like a normal human being?

Helga: I can't, Phoebs! I just can't!

Phoebe: Why not?!

Helga: I'm no longer human, Phoebs. I am only...

Let the devil into her life.

Helga: LUUUUUUUUST!!!

Phoebe's Cracker Ass Ginger Mom: Phoebe, are you all right in there, honey?

Phoebe: Why yes, mother

Phoebe vigorously scrubs her soul clean in the dope ass hot tub her family had in that one episode.

Phoebe: Why wouldn't I be!? Hehe ha ha ha!

Sid: If there's a foul creature of the night that needs ridding from this world, I'm your guy.

Arnold: Uhhh, Sid, what the fuck am I supposed to do with a bar of soap.

Sid: Carve into it the face of the demon that torments you so. If you manage to fit in every single last detail, then not even the devil will be able to resist your will.

Harold: Hey! What the heck is this stuff?!

Stinky: Human blood, just drink it.

Wartz: Students and faculty of

P.S. 666

Wartz: This is your principal speaking, here just to give you all a friendly reminder that YOU DO NEED WARTZ!!!

A naked, fully demonic Wartz emerges from all the school's PA speakers

Eugene: It's time to take you out to lunch!

Harold: Sheena, don't, he's a jinx!

Sheena: Well if he's a jinx, then he's about to get lucky.

Sheena gets on Eugene's chainsaw-mounted bicycle and they ride off together.

P.S. 666, COMING WHEN HELL FREEZES OVER


WHICH WILL PROBABLY HAPPEN SOON WITH THE WAY THIS YEAR IS GOING


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Third Night

Steve trotted into the lliving room to see Sidetable Drawer after a long, exhausting day of playing Blue's Clues.

*audible groan*

Steve: I am gonna see Sidetable because she's really fun!

...I don't think I wanna know.

Slippery slid into the living room from the comfort of the bathroom, visibly drained and less bubbly than usual.

You think at this point, he'd put as much distance between him and this manchild as humanly possible. But then the story would end.

Sidetable: Hi Steve!

Steve: Hey Sidetable!

There's something strange going on between them, I just know it!

Sidetable: Are you here to put away your Handy Dandy *pause* Notebook?

Ohh, dat pause. So much left to the imagination with that one single pause.

Steve: Yeah, another day, another case of Blue's Clues solved!

Take it easy there, tiger, you ain't exactly solving murders or nothin'.

Sidetable tried to open herself up, but she remained closed. 

...Perhaps it's for the best

She spent a couple more seconds trying to get herself to open but it appeared as if she was frozen shut.

Sidetable: I can't seem to open, Steve.

Sidetable told him, visibly concerned by this.

Sidetable Drawer attended the New York Acting School sometime during the years since the end of Blue's Clues' original run. I'd say it paid off.

Steve: Ahhh, let me try.

And this got flack for not being sexual enough?!

Steve finally decided to attempt to open Sidetable himself. He grabbed hold of her knob and gave a light tug, but it was no good.

tenor.gif

He then tried pulling on her knob with his back into it, but she doesn't seem to be budging.

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He then tried pulling on her knob with all his might, causing great pain to Sidetable Drawer.

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And this is to go even further beyond!

Sidetable: Steve, I don't think I'm going to open!

She cried, hoping to get him to stop his incessant attempts at getting her to open.

Steve: But I need to put my Handy Dandy *pause* Notebook inside of you.

*even more audible groan*

I can't think of any place else to put it in!

Well, that redeems that.

And with one last pull, this time using both hands, he finally yanks Sidetable open, pulling the drawer out of her hinges in doing so and sending him flying back from the force. Sidetable screamed in agony from the trauma of being yanked out of her hinges. Some of her screws loosened up and fell out and the contents she contained scattered everywhere.

*the most audible groan*

Slippery slid back in his bubbles in horror, only able to shout out one thing.

Slippery: WHOOOOOOAAAAH!!!?!

and boom goes the dynamite.

Steve realized what he had done and hastily tried placing Drawer back into her Sidetable component but it just wasn't going to work that way.

He should try setting her to Wumbo.

Steve: I can fix this!

Steve shouted out before staring off into the distance to consult his "friends" again. Slippery knew only bad things will come of this.

Then just go!

Steve: Do YOU know how I can help fix Sidetable Drawer?

Drawer screamed as her Sidetable hopped up and down in pain.

Damn, that's dark.

Steve: You helped me figure out how to fix her, because you're really smart!

Don't you fucking dare mix and match your songs.

Steve shouted with glee before trotting off outside. Slippery didn't know what to do. 

You could try tripping him and hope for the best.

He wanted to help ease Sidetable's suffering but hesitated. Steve suddenly came trotting in with a hammer. Slippery recognized this tool.

Slippery: Hammer?

Obligatory throwaway character who won't amount to anything after this single appearance?

Steve: Alright, I got it. What should I do now? Oh yeah, use it to fix up Sidetable!

Oh my god, it's using tools! It's learning, everyone! It's learning!

Slippery never did see Steve make use of his tools before, making him wonder why he even has half the things he owns in his house, but Slippery knew a blunt object in a man child's hand spelt out disaster. 

Oh my god, is that a sign of development?

To Slippery's horror, he saw Steve raise Hammer over his head.

Hammer: I'm sorry Sidetable.

WHOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHHH??!!!??!!!?!

And with all his strength, Steve brought Hammer down on Sidetable Drawer in a mad attempt to get her fixed. Slippery looked on with more watery eyes than normal as Sidetable screamed louder with each blow Steve nailed her with. 

*audible UGH!*

After about 5 minutes of this torture, the screaming stopped. Steve wiped some sweat off his face and got up to get a better scope of his finished product. His hammering only proved to leave Sidetable Drawer an absolute mess. Steve consulted his "friends" again.

Steve: Do you know what we do with things we can no longer use anymore?

Gotdamn, that is fucking savage, mang.

Slippery retreated back into the bathroom, having seen enough torture for one night.

It's almost like he gets a kick out of it or something.

Steve: Wow, you know what? You're really smart.

Bitch please, I don't need you to know that!

Steve complimented before picking up the pieces of Sidetable Drawer and putting her in Trash Can outside to be picked up the next day. 

In this world, that's like force feeding somebody a corpse.

The strain of what transpired left Steve sweatier and dirtier than earlier. Unfortunately for Slippery, he has more torture in store for him.

But fortunately for us, we are spared from having to go through the torture of witnessing. Make sure to reserve a stall for tomorrow night. Because a fan favorite gon' die. They gon' die, I tell you. Bye! Have a good time!

Edited by Old Man Jenkins
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Ben Mankiewicz: Hello, I'm Ben Mankiewicz and thank you for joining us here again on-location at the historic OMJ's Die-In Theater, in the heart of the anal cavity of the SpongeBob Community. As always, I am your host for this seven part retrospective series on "Slippery Smooth" written by Old Man Jenkins.

Last night, what some would consider to be a major player in the Blue's Clues mythos was next to meet their, hmm technically, untimely demise at the incompetent hands of Steve. Well, maybe not too major of a player in hindsight as her episode did garner the lowest amount of likes out of the entire miniseries. Sidetable Drawer, known by five fans as the keeper of the Handy Dandy Notebook, no pauses necessary, met her maker after a "mechanical malfunction" somehow caused her drawer to get "frozen" shut. Ever the helper that he is, Steve tries to fix her problem with the help of a hammer. A sledgehammer.

Most might not know this but "Hammer", as he's referred to by Slippery in this story, was the very same sledgehammer used by Kathy Bates' Annie Wilkes in the popular Stephen King adaptation, "Misery". If you saw the movie, then you'd know exactly what scene I'm talking about. Hammer would then go on to have a pretty illustrious career in the World Wrestling Entertainment as one of the prop sledgehammers on standby for whenever a tool of his expertise would be needed for the various match types in which weapons would be deemed legal to use. He was personally handpicked by wrestler Triple H to be his trademark weapon  of choice. When Triple H's in-ring career started to wind down, so too did Hammer's. Hammer would officially retire from the role in 2013, the very same year as his appearance on "Slippery Smooth". Nowadays, you can find Hammer enjoying the retired life in a Florida shed with his lovely wife, Sickle.

Tonight's feature was looked upon by readers as the most tragic episode, at least up to that point. It also introduced us to a different side of the title character from Blue's Clues that would set the tone for her characterization for the remainder of the miniseries. Originally posted on March 21, 2013, this is the "Fourth Night".


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It was one fine day 

Mr. Sunshine: Good, gooood. Now fuck.

with a woof...

Mr. Sunshine: There'll be a treat in it for you.

Dog mother: D-Do I...Do I have to...?

Mr. Sunshine: Are you really gonna force me to use the shock collar?

And a purr...

Cat father: You're sick! Fucking sick, I tell you!

Mr. Sunshine: If this is sick, then well is grossly overrated.

A baby was born...

Mr. Sunshine: Congratulations, it's a bouncing baby boys.

Dog mother: Kill it! Please just fucking kill it! I can't stand the sight of it!

Cat father: No! Don't you see? They are it. Our final gift to this world. They who are one, it's what will avenge us!

And it's about to cause a little stir...

???: We're no blue buzzard...no three eyed frog...

The Greaser Dogs are seen chasing dual figures in the shadows.

Dog: Just a feline...

Cliff gets his throat slashed

Cat: Canine...

Lube gets mauled to pieces.

CatDog: Little CatDog.

Shriek instigates a threesome with CatDog.

Lube: Duhhhhhhhhrrrhhh, now all you need is lube!

Eddie the squirrel snorts multiple lines of coke off Cliff's ass cheeks.

Eddie the Squirrel: I ain't jonesing, honest I'm not! I swear on my mother!

CatDog strangles Eddie's mother with their elongated body.

Out on the road or back into town, there's all kinds of critters for CatDog to put down...

Rancid Rabbit: You boys are quickly becoming my star attraction. You killed my best Pitbull, Rottweiler and Doberman all in one fell swoop. You can't possibly expect me to just simply part ways with that kind of natural born talent. 

Cat: Why'd you do it?! What's there to gain from mixing a cat and dog together?!

Winslow: You still don't get it by now? If I didn't know any better, I'd say your parents were brother and sister! Heheh!

Rancid: By my calculations, you two will be my bitches for about...EVER!

Winslow: I am a goddamn god! And like any good god, I just like fuckin' with people heheh!

Randy: Dog, the results ofCat's CAT scan are in, and I don't love it. I'm afraid you BOTH are on borrowed time...

Rancid: What's going on here? What?! What?! WHAT?!

Dog: This is what!

Dog grabs Rancid by the tail and skins him alive.

CATBUTT, COMING WHEN IT RAINS CATS AND DOGS

SO 2020. PROBABLY

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Fourth Night

Steve trotted around the living room after a long, exhausting day of Blue Clue's, 

dammit-dammit-dammit-quickmeme-com-dammi

looking to put some bills in the mail because Steve too has to pay bills. 

Say it with me now; Steve Papa's gotta pay bills!

Slippery slid in from the relative comfort of the bathroom to see Steve doing his usual ritual in order to get Mailbox to come into the house because he's so damn lazy.

Does this ritual involve sacrificing a cat? Dear god, is that why Orange Kitten wasn't in this?!

Mail Time!

MAIL TIME!

MAAAAAAIIIIIL TIIIIIIIIIIME!

Steve: The mail's here! 

Yeah, I kinda got the gist the second time. And how come we can hear those disembodied voices, but not the voices of Steve's "friends"? Sloppy fucking ass storytelling.

Here's the mail, it never fails! It makes me wanna wag my tail! When it comes I wanna wail...MAAAAAAAAAIIIIL!

and boom goes the dynamite.

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Slippery couldn't think of anyone more excited about getting the mail than Steve, especially during that special time of the month when the Home Depot Catalog comes in. 

YIKES.

And with that last wag of his tail and nailing the low/high note, 

Yeah, I obviously don't know about vocal range.

Mailbox came stretching on in. Mailbox was like a father to Slippery, often playing sports with the bar of soap on weekends.

Get it?! Like in "The Bully" episode of SpongeBob SquarePants!

Mailbox: Hey Steve!

Steve: Hey Mailbox! Heeeere's my letter!

Wow, such an inversion of this famous character dynamic. Revolutionary for its time.

Mailbox opened his lid and Steve threw his letters on in there.

Mailbox: Yum! Yum! Yum! Delicioso!

Oh wait, wrong Nick Jr. Show....anyway, 

You know, Mailbox pushed real hard to get that line added into the episode's script. For those not informed of it yet, Mailbox has had something of a professional rivalry going on with Backpack from Dora the Explorer for years up to that point. This line of dialogue was seen by him as sorta "taking a shot" at the competition. At his core, he can actually be pretty petty. Don't let his demeanor on Blue's Clues deceive you. Through my time working with him, I can pretty much confirm that he got Magenta's owner, Miranda, blacklisted from the industry.

Mailbox went stretching back to the side of road where he belonged and Slippery, relieved to see nothing traumatic for a change, went back into the bathroom and took his scrubbing like the scrub that he (really) is. 

...Okay...

But unbeknownst to the Steve residence, a tricolor of terror was speeding their way. A speeding automobile 

Couldn't just use another synonym for fast?

being operated by the Green Puppy, 

I still can't believe she's a girl btw.

Orange Kitten 

Oh praise Jesus! The Orange Kitten is saved!

and Purple Kangaroo

Hey, him too

 has been playing mailbox baseball all night 

One, "have". Two, what kind of values do they instill into these animals in that elementary school of theirs? It's why elementary schools for animals even exist!

with their friend, Baseball Bat. 

Oh, now this guy, big fun at parties. I never seen anyone or anything hold their vodka like this motherfucker. Now THIS is someone who you go out of your way to play sports with on weekends.

Mailbox is unfortunately the next batter up.

WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAHHHHH?!!!??!!? I just noticed that this is the only episode to not have a single Whoa in it. Trés avant garde.

Mailbox: That's an awfully bright light coming this way. Hey, wait. Aren't those Blue's friends? I know those guys! Hey guys-

That was for Miranda!

And with one fateful swing, there wouldn't anymore letters from our friends for a while.

Whatever will we do?

The car stopped in front of the Steve residence and Blue snuck out through the doggie door and skidood into the car, no doubt going wild and partying like the animals they (really) are.

Brilliant observation, Jenkins!

There wouldn't be any sports to play for Slippery tomorrow.

But hey, that's when we'll back right here at the Die-In Theater for Night Five! We are fast approaching the final stretch, folks! We hope that you'll join us for that crazy ride. Bye! Happy trails!

Edited by Old Man Jenkins
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Ben Mankiewicz: Good evening, and thank you for taking the time to join us for Night 5 of our seven part Die-In special retrospective on "Slippery Smooth" by Old Man Jenkins. At just five of these, I'm already beginning to run out of things to open with. Please, bare with me. I am your host, TCM's own Ben Mankiewicz.

When we last checked in on Slippery, he was treated to the unfamiliar sight of one of his close friends not dying before his very eyes for once. But alas, all good things come to an end as Mailbox, described as being a father figure to Slippery, met a grisly, untimely fate at the hands, or paws I should say, of some rowdy party animals; Green Puppy, Orange Kitten and Purple Kangaroo. Blue would soon join them in their night of debauchery, showing readers that she, too, had changed in the years since her room was taken away from her.

Another one of Blues' old friends was also penciled in to reprise his role; Periwinkle. Yes, OMJ is surprised that Periwinkle's a boy too. Unfortunately, however, OMJ would soon find out that Periwinkle became lost a couple years after "Blue's Clues" had wrapped up its original run. There's been some conflicting reports circulating throughout the years as to the exact circumstances of the periwinkle kitten's sudden disappearance. His owner was quoted as saying that Periwinkle suffered through a bout with depression following his tenure on tv, even speculating that Periwinkle might have wandered off in an attempt to "find himself".  Some witnesses have even reported sightings of a feral cat fitting his description living in the neighboring woods of his hometown. Some people theorize that he may have been mistakenly captured by local cat trappers operating in the area, while others seem to firmly believe that the kitten was a victim of animal abuse as a result of his perceived "failure" to connect with the "Blue's Clues" audience following his character's formal introduction. Wherever Periwinkle may be, I think I speak for all of us here at the theater when I say that you are loved, Periwinkle. Truly, from the bottom of all our hearts. Your star lost its shine years before its time, but now we will work to make sure that it shines brighter than ever before. You were never forgotten, nor will you ever be.

Switching gears somehow, tonight's feature triples the tragedy, which means triple the woes for Slippery Soap. Not to mention, triple the "whoas". Originally posted on March 22, 2013, this is the "Fifth Night".


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Doug is seen writing the latest entry into his journal in his dimly lit room. The only source of light being his desk lamp.

♪Doug, Doug, Doug, Funnie what have you done?
Doug, Doug, Doug, it's the sound of my gun
Doug, Doug, Doug, Funnie what have you done?
Doug, Doug, Doug, it's the sound♪

Blood stains his hands and his clothes. A 12 gauge sits to the side, next to his open journal.

♪Funnie's got a gun
Funnie's got a gun
His whole world's come undone
From lookin' straight into the power of the sun♪

♪Run away, run away from the pain yeah, yeah yeah yeah
Run away run away from the pain yeah yeah 
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
Run away, run away, run, run away♪

Doug abruptly closes his journal, his head still facing down. He raises his hand to turn off the desk lamp.

♪Funnie's got a gun
Funnie's got a gun
His dog day's just begun♪

I CALL YOUR BLUFF(INGTON)

SUBJECT MATTER TOO SENSITIVE TO EVEN BE CONSIDERED

...2020

*shotgun cocks*

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Fifth Night

Steve trotted around outside after another long, exhausting day of playing *hand motions* Blues Clues! 

The hand motions just make it worse!

He decided to unwind by playing in that sandbox that we barely ever see him play in.

Well, it's true.

Steve: I am going to play in the sandbox because you're reall smart!

Judging from that typo, not so much in my case.

What? 

Wow, even me seven years ago realized that what I was trying to do with that was just dumb.

Anywho, Shovel and Pail were playing with each other 

It's perfectly innocent, just need to get my mind out of the damn gutter!

in what has become their home when Steve came trotting up to them.

Shovel & Pail: Hey Steve!

Steve: Hey Shovel! Hey Pail!

Shovel: You wanna build a sandcastle with us?

Steve: Boy, would I!

Yer fired.

Steve took Shovel and Pail into his hands, they seemed puzzled and confused as to why he was using them to build one but played along with it anyway. 

Yeah, it's not like they haven't done that in Blue's Clues at all. DID they ever do that in Blue's Clues?

Slippery came sliding outside for some air because he's been having some slight shortness of breath as of late. 

A master class in foreshadowing. *chef's kiss*

Steve began using Shovel to fill up Pail with lots of sand. The plastic siblings seemed uncomfortable disgusted at what Steve was forcing them to do, Pail more so. 

This is some seriously evil shit in context.

After about a minute of this horror, Steve planted Shovel in the sand for one last, big scoop of sand, but as he tried to raise Shovel up, it appeared tha the strain of the past minute and the weight of the sand was too much for the poor piece of plastic to handle and with one jerking motion, he snapped in two.

There is just all sorts of wrong about this pretty large sentence.

Slippery: WHOOOOOOOAAAAAH!

And boom goes the dynamite.

Pail was filled to the brim with sand, so much so that she was somewhat disoriented from the overfill but still was coherent enough to understand what happened to her brother.

Okay. Yeah, sure. I'll take your word for it.

Pail: Shovel!

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Steve tried burying Shovel in the sand in order to literally cover up what had happened.

Steve: No, Shovel just went to the bathroom!

I shudder to even imagine.

Steve said, trying to take advantage of Pail's fuzzy state. 

WHOOOOOOOAAAAHHHHH!!! Okay there, Bill Cosby.

Oh no, Slippery didn't just hear Steve talking about his bathroom! Things about to go down!

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the true catalyst for this story's endgame!

Pail: He was my brother!

Yes, that's been well established by now.

Pail said before breaking down and crying.

Steve: How about we finish that sandcastle? Yeah, we'll finish it before Shovel gets back!

Steve went to grab Pail by her handle, but she was so filled up with sand that when Steve went to pick her up, her handle snapped from the weight and she fell back into the sandbox with sand flying out of her, 

"Spilling" seems more appropriate.

screaming in pain until she couldn't scream anymore.

Slippery: WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAH!

And boom goes the dynamite.

Steve looked off into the distance in order to consult his "friends" again, but he knew what he had to do. 

He had to stop all the ghosts that were coming through! He's here to fight for me and YOU!

He simply buried them in the sand in an attempt to forget about them. 

Observe that his playful, manchild-esque facade is gradually starting to unravel with the more lives he claims. He and Slippery are each going down parallel paths that threaten to break both characters mentally in their own ways. Yeah, was totally part of the initial plan!

Slippery looked on in horror at the unmarked and undeserved graves. Steve suddenly remembered something.

Steve: You know what, I didn't check the mail today!

Mail Time!

MAIL TIME!

MAIIIIIL TIIIIIIME!

Forget all that because THE MAIL'S HERE!

The voices went 

Still doesn't make sense how these voices can be heard. I hate myself for not making that make sense!

as Steve trotted into the living room to wag his tail and wail "MAAAAIIIIL" again, but Mailbox never came. 

and boom...DOESN'T go the dynamite??

He tried performing the ritual three more times but it was evident that Mailbox was not coming in to bring the mail. This left Steve with no other choice but to actually get his lazy bum off the his Thinking Chair 

make up my mind, 2013!OMJ

and check the mail himself. He trotted outside and Slippery followed from a distance. What he would see next made him sink in his bubbles.

Slippery: WHOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAHH!!!

Boy, this episode sure is making up for that last one and its complete, utter lack of dat engaging Slippery dialogue everybody loves so much.

Slippery cried as he saw his father-figure decapitated from his post. Steve bent down to pick up the mail and simply threw the broken Mailbox in Trash Can, who was also shocked to his neighbor and friend meet an untimely end. Slippery was too much in shock to do anything, failing to notice Steve trotting towards him.

I can now see why Wumbo was so torn up by this.

Steve: Hey Slippery!

Steve greeted before firmly grasping Slippery in his hand a d heading towards the bathroom to take a nice, warm bath after playing around in the sandbox all night. 

Oh wow, I actually thought that this was all during the day. Kinda wrote myself into a pickle with this cursed nighttime format.

Slippery drowned in his sorrows.

And now is time for us to go drown in ours, but not to worry, tomorrow we look back at the show's penultimate episode and you can go ahead and miss it if you want. We're nearing the end, folks, but that also means that we are fast approaching the commencement of Octerror Fest 2020! Will this year's festivities live up to this hype? I really do hope so, otherwise I did all of this for absolutely nothing. Auf weidersehen! Goodbye!

Edited by Old Man Jenkins
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Ben Mankiewicz: Good evening, I'm Ben Mankiewicz, and thank you for sticking with us all the way to the sixth night of our seven part pre-Octerror Fest retrospective on "Slippery Smooth" by Old Man Jenkins. We're almost there, folks. We hope that you'll be able tomjoin us for its conclusion, I'm sure it'll be a good'un.

When we last left Slipper Soap, he was hit with an unprecedented threefer on the tragedy scale. Not only did his friends Shovel and Pail suffer a couple of grisly and untimely ends, but he also found out for himself what cruel fate had befallen on to his father figure, Mailbox, in graphic detail. We also got somewhat of a more in depth look at just what kind of a toll the constant usages of his body by Steve is taking on the sentient bar of soap. He's slowly losing the mass he once had fresh out of the box , he's getting ever so weaker and his breath that much shorter with each passing day.

During the Shovel and Pail death scene, you saw that Pail's handle broke right off from the rest of, I guess, her body. I'm sure some of you out there might be wondering just how exactly did OMJ pull that off? Was it state of the art special effects, was it just really convincing practical effects? You might be shocked to find out that no effects of any kind were needed whatsoever.

In the years since their initial runs on "Blue's Clues"  Shovel and Pail teamed up with the Felt Friends to form their own stunt comedy act called "Cop a Felt". It was an endeavor that was not much different from your Jackasses or Dudesons during that same time frame. Shovel and Pail are remembered from quite fondly through their "Chase" routine that saw Shovel give chase to Pail on the busy streets in nothing but their tighty whiteys while cameras captured the many reactions of all the random passersby. And like "Jackass" before them, they would eventually get their own, albeit short lived, program on MTV. During a a particularly reckless stunt on said show, Pail had separated her handle right off the bucket. She was able to have it surgically repaired, but she was left with the "gift" of being able to dislocate it on command and simply pop it back into place afterwards. A talent that she would eventually go on to use for the filming of their infamous death scene. The "Cop a Felt" crew disbanded sometime in the early 2010's, and not too long after that, the call came in asking Shovel and Pail to reprise their famous roles. As soon as they found out what exactly the "Slippery Smooth" project would entail, they were the first ones on board. And as for the Felt Friends, well, who really cares about the Felt Friends?

Tonight's feature explores another previously unexplored part of the Steve residence; the bedroom, home of Slippery's closest friend in the house. You know, just saying that should be enough to tell you about the feel trip that's ahead. Originally posted on March 23, 2013, this is the "Sixth Night".


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♪They call him Kipper
Kipper the Dawg

Kipper wakes up in his bed next to a dog that isn't Holly.

Kipper: Bloody hell!

♪The dog with the slipper♪

Tiger: You got the claaap. The fookin' clap, bruv!

Kipper: Bloody hell!

♪That's Kipper
Kipper the Dawg♪

Kipper finds out he has warts after an LSD-fueled sexual liaison with an amphibian in the red light district.

Kipper: You bloody frog cunt!?

Hey, that's a toad not a frog

Kipper gets an erection in front of Holly.

Kipper: Go ahead and apply that lipstick for me.

♪Now he can do this
Do you think that you could?♪

Dejected by Holly, Kipper angrily humps his coveted slipper in tears.

♪And he can do that
Which is more than any cat could♪

A montage shows Kipper tripping over each others balls with Jake, shooting Pig in the face, blowing up a neuter scooter, bitch slapping Bob Barker and stomping the shit out of Mouse before pissing on his corpse.

♪Would you like a dog, like a dog, like a dog, LIKE A DOG
...Like Kipper♪

Kipper has dirty back alley sex with another amphibian.

♪Kipper the Dawg♪

Kipper licks his crotch in order to check up on the results of his latest sexcapade and he appears to be clean.

Now that's a frog

Tiger: Hey Kipper, do you ever wonder why the background is always so white?

Kipper spontaneously ejaculates onto the wall behind them.

Tiger: Oh. Very well then.

STARRING LARRY BUNDY JR. AS KIPPER THE HORNDOG

KIPPER THE HORNDOG IS CUMMING YOUR WAY AT THIS CINEMA

IN 3D

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Sixth Night

Steve trotted into his bedroom after another warm shower to finally get some shut eye after another long, exhausting day of playing *hand motions* Blue's Clues! 

Well, back to the ol' grind!

He was greeted by his bedroom buddy, Tickety Tock.

Tickety: Hi Steve!

Steve: Well, hello there Tickety!

Tickety: Same time?

Steve: Same place!

They both shared a good laugh over that little bit of nothing 

That's some Fantastic Five and Luke & Pals levels of inside jokery going on there.

before the 12 on Tickety's clock face turned into a bell, how she does it, I don't know. 

And I still don't to this day.

Steve slapped on his green pajamas, which really clashes with his surprisingly purple bedroom, 

Real talk.

and quickly falls into his slumber. Slippery slowly slid in, feeling quite winded as he does so. He slides on over to the dresser that Tickety stands atop of in order to tell her something, something important. 

I'm foregoing the easy SpongeBob joke for the sake of acknowledging some actual development!

He awakens her from her sleep mode and tells her about everything he has seen happened to their friends over the last couple of days. 

Trust me, we'd be here all night had I went though the trouble of typing that all out.

Since Tickety rarely ever leaves the comfort of the bedroom during most of her appearances, she finds it hard to take Slippery's story with a grain of salt. 

So she's more inclined to take his word for it, then?? What the fuck was that

That analogy makes Slippery bubble because it reminds him of Mr. Salt. 

Okay, wow, well now I'm okay with writing it like that.

Tickety tries to comfort her bubbly friend.

Tickety: Don't worry, Slippery. I'm sure everybody is fine once you check up on in them 

Can I borrow you real quick, Slippery? It'll just be for my eyes.

in the morning, and I'll be fine too. Im an alarm clock, how can Steve possibly find a way to use me up or break me? 

I'm sure Mailbox would've thought that way too.

You should get some sleep, you're starting thin out from all the stress.

y'all back in 2013 were some simps, mang. How could you not call out this flagrant disregard for proof reading. This episode has been the worst offender yet!

Slippery considered Tickety to be his closest friend, considering that she literally is the closest to him outside of the bathroom. 

Oh, I get it! Cuz

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Maybe he is being delusional from all the stress (and skin) Steve has been putting him under lately. 

The fucking shit that comes out of my head lol.

Slippery hugged Tickety good night 

D'awww

and slowly slid back to the comfort of the bathroom.

The next morning, Tickety's alarm sounded, which woke Steve from his slumber. The sound of the alarm woke Slippery up as well and he stirred and slid by the bathroom door.

Tickety: Time to wake up Steve!

Tickety greeted, hopping up and down on the dresser like she usually does.

I'll just take my word for it. It's been too long since I watched an episode to even remember.

Steve: Huh? Y-yeah, yeah...sure. I'm get-getting up.

Steve said, yawning, as he reached out to hit the snooze button on her. But in his delirious state, Steve accidentally knocks Tickety off the dresser.

Tickety: AAAAHH!

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She screamed before plummeting to the hard, purple bedroom floor, 

I just could not let the purple thing go.

breaking into what seemed like a million pieces.

Slippery: WHOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHH!!!

and boom goes the dynamite.

Slippery screamed as the sound of Tickety's fall was enough to fully awake Steve.

Steve: Huh, what was that?

Steve asked before staring off into the distance to consult his "friends"

Steve: Do YOU know what that loud sound was?

Steve asked before being pointed out to the mess that was Tickety on the ground.

Don't worry, our talented friends in the props department meticulously crafted each and every little piece of Tickety out of clay, wood and recyclable materials. By hand!

Steve: Wow, you know what? You're really smart.

Talk about a low bar.

Steve complimented before getting Broom and Dust Pan in order to pick up Tickety's remains and tossing her in Trash Can. 

I don't know who should be more traumatized at this point, Slippery or Trash Can.

Slippery was too much in shock from the sight to move. Even if he wanted to, he'd find it hard to move himself anyway. 

The eerie subtlety really holds up!

Steve trotted back into the bedroom.

Steve: I am going to take a morning shower because its really fun! Hey Slippery!

Slippery tried to make a run for it, 

For once, goddamn.

but was too slow as Steve scooped him up and escorted him to the comfort of his bathtub. It will all be over soon for ole Slippery.

Darkly foreboding and clearly indicative that tomorrow's feature will be the last for ol' Slippery Smooth. We do hope you join us as we look to conclude this special pre-Octerror Fest Fathom Event. Will Slippery come out of this alive? Reserve a stall to find out! Bye! Adieu, adieu! To you and you and you!

Edited by Old Man Jenkins
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Ben Mankiewicz: Good evening, I am your host, Ben Mankiewicz, here to tell you that you did it. You've endured six grueling nights of what was perpetually soap torture porn and now you're about to complete the entire set because we have officially reached the finale of our seven part retrospective on "Slippery Smooth" by Old Man Jenkins. We would like to extend our thanks to TCM and Fathom Events for making all of this possible, but most importantly, thank YOU for taking the time out of your evenings to join us on this batshit crazy thrill ride. There is a "special announcement" in store for all of you at the end of tonight's feature. If you're interested, we advise that you might just wanna stick around for that.

When we last visited the Steve Residence, Slippery Soap finally worked up the courage within himself to confide in somebody else in regards to all the recent, traumatic events that have been unfolding all around him for roughly the past week. The only thing, the only person he really had left to turn to was his close friend, Tickety Tock. Suddenly faced with the possibility that the toll on his body might be affecting his mind, Slippery decided to sleep on the thought of Steve being a danger, probably not to himself but to many others in the house. The next morning, Slippery's delusions are seemingly confirmed as Steve accidentally knocks Tickety off her usual place on the nightstand and down to the hard floor she would go. And just like that, Slippery Soap was pretty much all alone.

At the time of its posting, the "Sixth Night" didn't have much room to breathe to really allow viewers to process the entire ordeal of Tickety's tragic demise as OMJ would post the finale episode later on that very same day as a surprise to all of its readers. Nevertheless, both episodes would rake in 7 likes each, just one shy of the series' premiere. OMJ once said that he took a huge gamble making that decision, but in the end, he felt that it paid off quite well.

Tonight's finale of "Slippery Smooth" will be the ultimate culmination of everything that has happened to our friend Slippery thus far. It is a final chapter of nightmares, thrills, laughs and even a touching tribute to the original series itself. We do hope that you enjoy it now as much as you did then. Also originally posted on March 23, 2013, this is the "Seventh Night".


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The trailer opens up to Sheldon jail breaking his way into Jenny's OS, recklessly tinkering wit her primary functions.

If you enjoy being reallyscared

Sheldon: Yes! Finally, with these slight modifications, Jenny will practically throw herself at me! Ahehehe! Now I'll be the first member of the robotics team to lose his virginity! And I'll be able to rub everybody's big, fat fucking noses in it! Especially Brad's, that fucking fuck! Why didn't his parents just go and name him Chad?!... Yeeeeaaah, he will be the very first!

If you are unafraid of the unknown

Cuts to Sheldon and Jenny in the back of Sheldon's mom's minivan.

If you found a friend in fear

Sheldon: Was the last 30.097 seconds as great for you as it was for me?

Jenny: ...No...

Sheldon: WHAT?! But I- I can fix that! *grabs motor oil*

Jenny: No, it's not so much that, it's just...I can't feel great. I don't feel anything...

Sheldon: I can help with that...in ways Dr. Wakeman never could...

Jenny: Yes...

Then we have a friend for you

Suddenly, Sheldon's dick gets shredded as Jenny activates her built-in pencil sharpener. He screams as blood splatters all over the van's interior.

Jenny: YOU CAN!

Jenny activates her buzz saw and hacks away at Sheldon.

JENNY

Brad: Hey Jenny! Earth to Jenny! Are you gonna help me dissect this frog, or am I gonna have to take all the credit for this myself?

Jenny: I got this one, Brad.

Jenny ejects an incisor out of her finger that already has some dried blood on it.

Jenny: What do I need to cut out first?

Tuck: Brad, have you noticed anything strange about Jenny lately?

Brad: She is lookin' a little thicc in the good. Wakeman doin' her body some good. I dig, I dig!

From the creator "The Killer Krab"

Dr. Wakeman: XJ-NION! Where on earth did you get this skin suit?! It certainly isn't one of MY designs.

Jenny: It's just something I got from Sheldon!

Dr. Wakeman: Be careful around that one, dear, he gives me the heebie jeebies...

And "Slippery Smooth"

Brad: JENNY?! You're out here lookin' like the third Crust Cousin!

Jenny: You mean that it doesn't look good? I'll just have to some material that contains a little less "plastic".

Comes his most terrifying creation yet

Brad: Tuck? Tuck?! Where did that little shit run off to?

Dr. Wakeman: It's gone! We'll all be fair game if we don't restore it to its proper working order this instant!

Brad holds what little that's left of Tuck in the palm of his hand.

Brad: Why Jenny?! He already had it rough with his size as it is!

Jenny: With the strength of a million and seventy men, I guess I really shouldn't complain. But still, I wish I could go for a walk without rusting in the rain...

Jenny throws a basketball at Dr. Wakeman full force, causing her head to explode upon contact.

Jenny: IT'S ENOUGH TO FRY MY BRAIN

The abomination that was Jenny runs Brad's skull against her built-in cheese grater.

Jenny: Welcome to my life

The flesh and metal-ridden abomination goes to devour Brad whole.

MY DEATH BY A TEENAGE ROBOT

SHE CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT YOU

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May as well.

I love that mentality.

Seventh Night

I should probably elaborate that this is supposed to take place later on in the evening, technically during the same day that Tickety got got.

Steve trotted into his bedroom after another exhausting day of playing Blue's Clues since he has no day job 

Well, it's true.

while Slippery simply laid in the bath tub, not feeling like his usual, bubbly self. He was far from being a full bar of soap. He has thinned out considerably and it has taken its toll on his well-being. Slippery, now alone with Steve...and Blue, 

Ohhh, we haven't seen much of her outside of Night Four, and for good damn reason. Dat slow burn will be so worth.

felt as if his world has come crashing down on him. The friends he have come to know and loved, all gone just like that.

Let's get an F in the comments.

Steve: Hey Slippery!

Steve yelled as his trotting footsteps can be heard making their way towards the bathroom. Slippery's eyes widened at the sound of it and something snapped in him. Slippery realized he had his chances to escape the Steve residence all along, 

Should've listened to old Mr. Jenks

but he was too afraid to make the mad sliding dash for life. Slippery remembered the time where Steve's game of Blue's Clues led him to take a trip to the beach and how he left everybody else behind except for him, Shovel and Pail (of course) and some animals he met after skidooing into a painting. 

Your basic episode of Blue's Clues in a nutshell.

Slippery made a promise to Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper, Tickety, Mailbox and all the others that they, too, will have the chance to go to the beach but that promise sadly went down the drain. 

Well, y'all, we's goin on a feels trip!

Slippery didn't want to end up like his friends, he wanted to continue slipping and sliding. He didn't want to feel low anymore. Slippery wanted to live, for all of them. He chose life!

The goddamn Daniel Bryan of Blue's Clues right here!

And with all the bubbles he could muster out, he picked him self, washed himself off 

Ooh, risky ass move in his current state, but very admirable.

and made a mad dash out of the bathtub. He slid out of the tub and underneath the sink right as Steve trotted inside.

Steve: Slippery? Are you here?

Steve asked before staring off into the distance to consult his "friends".

Steve: Do you know where Slippery could've gone?

They fucking better not.

Blue suddenly came in and slapped a paw print onto thin air, signaling the start of another game of 

Look at that! Just look at how that's written! She paw printed the air, itself! Blue is fucking S-tier in this shit! That by itself tells you that she is knows more than Steve does himself and she's just a bitch! She knows what Slippery is up to, she knows and she's gonna play games with him! The fucking confidence! The ultimate fucking antagonist taking on the ultimate fucking protagonist. My body is ready! Is your's?! Well fucking get it ready, because it's time for WHO'S CLUES?

*hand motions* Blue's Clues!

LETS FUCKING GO! LETS DO THIS SHIT!

Steve: Now to play Blue's Clues we've got to find a, uhhh? 

PAW PRINT!

A paw print! And that's our first, hmmm...? 

CLUE!

A clue?

A CLUE!

Then we put it in our notebook! Because it's *hand motions Blue's Clue's! *hand motions* Blue's Clues! You know what to do!

Steve then trotted out to the living to get down on his Thinking Chair and think. Think. Thiiiiiink. 

Okay, I skipped a couple verses there, but you get the point!

Slippery took this opportunity to slide out to Steve's bedroom. He saw something that really caught his watery eyes. Slippery was overjoyed to see a familiar clock face on the dresser at Steve's bedside. It was Tickety, good as new! 

WH-WH-WH-WHAAAT?

Slippery couldn't believe it. He slid over to her in hopes of finding just what happened considering everything that had happened. 

I'll let that poor structure slide like Slippery just for tonight.

He approached her with everything, 

Unlike this lit, Slippery don't play no long game!

but Tickety just looked at the bar of soap, confused, as if she thought he was crazy.

Tickety: Who are you again?

*shatters into more pieces than Tickety did last chapter*

The clock asked. Slippery's foamy heart sank as it seemed as if Tickety really had no clue who he was. 

No, don't. Don't take this moment away from Slippery past me! I will kick my own ass if I do!

Slippery tried tugging on her wind up key in order to help her remember but she simply knocked him off the dresser in disgust. 

Tsk tsk tsk. aww, he tried to turn back time! There's no superman'ing their way out of this one.

Broken in more ways than one, Slippery heard footsteps trotting back into the bedroom and he covertly slid his way past Steve as he came trotting in for clues on Slippery's whereabouts. In the clear for now, Slippery slid his way to the living room as Steve met up with Tickety, who instantaneously had a paw print on her. 

Ohhhohhhooohhhoo man! That bitch fucking works fast.

Steve drew her in his handy dandy *pause* Notebook with a smiley face, Bitches love smiley faces, 

I can proudly confirm that they don't.

before consulting Tickety.

Tickety: Hi Steve!

Steve: Hey Tickety! Do you happen to know where Slippery Soap could be?

Tickety: A bar of soap was just in here but he took off right as you came.

fucking SNITCH! Some fucking Randall from Recess bullshit!

Steve then proceeded to help Tickety with something menial, like arranging clothes in his closet 

My Blue's Clues shade was on point.

while Slippery met up with another familiar face in the living room. It was Sidetable Drawer! Slippery hugged her before she pushed him off by opening her drawer.

Sidetable Drawer: You're getting my wood wet.

Pause.

Slippery tried explaining everything to her but she was like "WHAAAAAT?"

dat Spinny award-winning detail.

Sidetable: Look, I don't know what you're talking about, little bar of soap.

Slippery pulled her back open to see that the Handy Dandy Notebook was gone. "Steve must be looking for me", he thought. Slippery knew full-well how every game of Blue's Clues ends, but he vowed that this particular game will result in Steve losing. 

Those are some surprisingly tough odds. Behind every Steve, there is a Blue the leash.

He closed Sidetable, who was no too pleased about someone forcing her open, 

Well, let's just hope that your joints never freeze too.

and slid off into the kitchen where he came across more familiar faces. It's Mr. Salt, Mrs. Pepper, Cinnamon and Parika, 

Again?! Now this, I won't let slide. Completely unacceptable! You all deserved better than this then.

the Shaker Family! Slippery slid up to them in excitement, glad to see them together again. He tries explaining the whole situation to them, but Cinnamon and Paprika began crying at his story.

Mrs. Pepper: I don't know who you think you are, monsuier but you shouldn't talk about such things in front of children!

Zink of ze children!

Mr. Salt: I believe you should get going, monsuier.

Apologies to any and all Frenchies here.

More trotting footsteps can be heard coming from behind as Steve made his way into the kitchen. Need to recharge himself, he grabbed Mr. Salt and poured some salt onto his soapy body because that's some pretty technical chemistry stuff right there, I'm sure.

I'm STILL not sure.

Mr. Salt: SACRE BLEU!

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Slippery dropped Mr. Salt to the side, which is bad luck by the way, 

Well, that's it. That's a wrap, folks!

and with one long slide across the table, managed to propelled himself out the window and into the yard right as Steve arrived on the scene. Mrs. Pepper instantaneously had a clue appeared on her as Steve plays the guessing with his "friends" as to where the clue is even though its right IN FRONT OF HIS FREAKIN FACE! 

Seriously, Steve dumb.

Steve took out his Handy Dandy *pause* Notebook! before proceeding to draw Mrs. Pepper like his French girls.

Now this is a joke I can always look back on with pride.

Steve: Have you guys seen Slippery Soap around here?

Mrs. Pepper: A rather rude bar of soap was just in here. He scared my children half to death before violating my husband!

WHOOOOOAAAAAHHH! Slippery lost himself some supporters there.

Mr. Salt: We went flying outside right as you came in! Hoho!

what the flying fuck, past me!? And what the flying fuck, past everybody else too?! This was universally praised btw. Fucking botched lines like that!

Steve proceeded to sing a melody about healthy snacks with Mr. Salt and Mrs. Pepper

You know what song I'm talking about if you're a real one.

while Slippery slid around in the yard, coming across more familiar faces at the sandbox. It was Shovel and his sister, Pail! 

That was specifically written in that way just to spite Trophy since he commented that he hated Pail when Night Five got posted.

Slippery approached, overjoyed to see them still intact. He begins telling the, about the recent happenings, 

The story of people's childhoods, yeah, because it's written like IT WAS BY A CHILD

but they're just as clueless about him and his story as the others were, but then again, when aren't Shovel and Pail not clueless about anything? 

WHOOOOOOAAAHHH!!!!? That's actually a compliment...I think...?

He tells them that he saw Steve bury their broken parts in the sand and begin digging for them as Shovel and Pail tell the crazed bar soap to get out of their sandbox. A look of horror covered their faces as Slippery does indeed dig up the broken parts that was Shovel and Pail still in the sand.

They're heeeere! under thee sandbox!

Shovel and Pail: AAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Shovel and Pail screamed in unison horror 

God, just pick one word and stick with it.

as they hopped off in fright. Slippery nearly jumped back in his bubbles at the sight, confused as to what's really going on here, but it suddenly hits him right as he gets whacked to the side of the sandbox by a heavy paw. Slippery comes to and sees himself face-to-face with...Blue! 

Go get 'em tiger! Big green screen fight coming up!

Steve's dog pounces at him and grabs him up in her mouth, thrashing him around like a chew toy. Slippery saw his life flash before his eyes, but then he remembered something. That promise he made earlier to his fallen friends. With a renewed resolve, 

That quickly? Just like that? okay

Slippery springs back with more fight and washes Blue's mouth soap. 

This is my legacy here, fucking wonderful.

Blue drops Slippery onto the sand as she winces from the taste. Slippery finally gets her to buzz by squirting her in the eyes with some soapy water. 

*buzz off

Blue hops off, her eyes burning and with a bad taste in her mouth 

oooohhh, in more ways than one! She ain't gonna forget that!

as Slippery rolled around into the sand to help recharge himself in another display of his chemistry brilliance before noticing something blotchy and his chest.

Slippery knew the mark all too well. He has been marked with a paw print, the final paw print in this game of Blue's Clues at that. 

This is like Arthur Morgan getting tuberculosis in Red Dead Redemption 2 five years before Red Dead Redemption 2.

Slippery figured it must've happened when Blue whacked him earlier. Slippery knew that this made him a hell of a lot more susceptible to Steve's range and he knew that Steve always finds a clue sooner or later. Slippery tried wiping the paw print off him but it was no good. Slippery had to approach the rest of this game with caution.

Jesus, even I'm putting a bowl of onions in my own room right now.

Steve: We are gonna play Blue's Clues because its really fun!

Oh, piss off! You and your continued misuse of it's!

Slippery heard as he could see Steve trotting over from the distance. Slipper slid for it and covertly made his way into the house through the kitchen and back into the living room.

Mail Time!

MAIL TIME!

MAAAAAAIIIL TIIIIIIIIIIIME!

shit.

"This wasn't good", Slippery thought to himself as Steve came jumping into the living room like a bat out of hell in excitement.

Steve: THE MAILS HERE!

Slippery: WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

And boom goes your cover.

Slippery screamed to himself before sliding behind the Thinking Chair as Steve wagged his tail and wailed "MAIL" in order to get Mailbox into the house.

Mailbox: Hi Steve!

Steve: Hey Mailbox!

Mailbox: Here's your letter!

I didn't write any playful banter for them other than this? This is my legacy, this is what people remember fondly.

After Steve opens his video message from a bunch of little kids taking a bath, 

wtf

since these letters have something to do with the game somehow, 

well that makes things all better then.

he trots back into the kitchen to continue the game. Before Mailbox can get back outside, Slippery stops him, overjoyed to see Mailbox is well, as well. He tells Mailbox about everything, but Mailbox laughs it all off in true Mailbox-fashion 

Vintage Mailbox

and tells the bar of soap that he should lay off the bath salts. 

Holy shit lol I totally forgot, I made this joke. See, bath salts were timely!

Slippery asks Mailbox if he remembers him and how they used to play sports on weekends. Mailbox took a couple of moments think, think thiiiiiink about it.

Mailbox: You must be Slippery Soap!

Overjoyed to know that Mailbox still knows him, Slippery goes to hug his father-figure.

Mailbox: Here's your letter!

Mailbox says before dropping a "Bath & Bodyworks" catalogue subscribed by Slippery.

Ohhhh! Man, that just hits you in your soul.

Mailbox proceeds to head back outside. Slippery attempts to slide up on him to be taken outside as well, but he falls short a few inches and plummets to the ground as Mailbox leaves without him. 

♪and IIIIIIII will go beeeeeeaaaaach nooooooo moooooooooooooore♪

All hope seems loss for Slippery as he begins breaking down in the middle of the living room.

???: You know what? You're really smart.

Slippery looked up, confused as to where this unfamiliar is coming from. He turns back to see that it's... The Thinking Chair!

top 10 anime reveals

Thinking Chair: Slippery, if you use your mind and take a step at a time, you can do anything that you wanna do.

With a bit of renewed hope, 

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Slippery musters his strength once again to win this game of Blue's Clues no matter the cost. He notices a picture of the beach mounted on the living room wall. Slippery knew what he must do, he must skidoo like Blue can too.

Then I don't see that victory lasting for long. :bruh:

???: A CLUE!

Slippery looked around to see where this other unfamiliar voice was coming from. He turned back to the Thinking Chair to see that it has gone back to being its idle self. 

Well thanks for all the help.

He heard another, more familiar voice coming closer.

Steve: What was that?

???: A clue!

Slippery hid on the side of the The Thinking Chair as Steve comes trotting back into the living room.

Steve: You see a shoe?

???: No! A clue!

Steve: Oh, you see a clue! Where?

???: Over there!

Slippery couldn't recognize these voices, but a bad feeling in the pit of his suds knew who they were from the way Steve was consulting with them. They must be Steve's "Friends".

If you're wondering why Slippery hears these kids all of a sudden, it's because of the fact that Slippery, himself, is an actual clue now so he's now a much more active part of the game rather than just being a bystander like he usually is. Slippery finally acknowledging the existence of these friends is supposed to convey something similar to a bad omen. Slippery's seen what Steve has been capable of while under their influence in previous chapters. It's meant to really ramp up the hopelessness as if I hadn't done that enough already.

Steve: Where?

Steve's Friends: Over there! By the Thinking Chair!

Slippery's heart sank at the mere utterance. Steve's friends knew where he was, the fright nearly freezing him in place.

Steve: By the Thinking Chair?

Steve made his way to the Thinking Chair. Slippery seen him coming and made his way to the right armrest as Steve checked by the left.

Steve: There's nothing here.

Steve's Friends: Its over there! On the other side now!

Steve quickly ran to the other side, Slippery mustering all the energy he could in order to barely slide over to the other armrest.

Steve: You guys must be seeing thing- *pushes the Thinking Chair out of the way* AHA!

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WHOOOOOOOAAAAAHHHH jumpscare.

Steve shouted, finally catching sight of the third and final clue, Slippery!

Slippery: WHOOOOOOAH!

and boom goes the dynamite.

Slippery shouted, jumping back in his bubbles.

Steve: Now it's time for our Handy Dandy-

Steve's Friends: NOTEBOOK!

Steve: Right!

Steve took out his notebook and proceeded to doodle Slippery down, for the memories. 

jesus, that's dark.

Despite being fatigued after all he's been through during the game, Slippery slowly slid his way to to beach portrait, messing up Steve's drawing in the process!

Steve: Will you please stop moving. I have to re-do this now.

Steve said, turning over to the next page of the notebook.

pro gamer move by Slippery there.

Slippery finally made his way to the portrait, struggling to catch his breath as Steve is distracted with his artwork. Slippery had trouble remembering the proper words in order to skidoo. Slippery gets it wrong the first five times as Steve puts the final touches on his drawing.

dat tension tho

Steve: If you skidoo, Blue and we can too!

And with that, it came back to Slippery. He performs the jig and dances steps and finds himself skidooing into the picture, but a hand firmly grasps him, preventing him entry into the picture. Steve has gotten hold of him and won't let go. 

*shatters once again*

He doesn't even need to take a minute to think on the Thinking Chair to know where this is going.

Just hit the porno music while I'm at it. Maybe it'll get Aya to actually like this.

Steve: We are going to take a bath because its really fun!

Can't let this story end without another wrong its!

Steve sang to himself as he escorted Slippery back into the bathroom. Right as they got inside, Steve threw Slippery into the tub water and began to take off his clothes. Slippery floated to the water's surface, gasping for air. He could barely move himself but he still made an effort to climb his way out of the tub as Steve was busy shaving even though he thinks of himself as a kid, like us. 

dank Clint's Hints reference.

Slippery reached the rim of the tub and descended hard onto the floor, sliding behind Steve. If this was going to be the end for ole Slippery, Slippery is gonna take Steve with him. 

Wait, what?

Steve finished up shaving and turned back to go into the bathtub, but he steps on Slippery, somewhat crushing the thin bar of soap as he fell hard to the ground.

Steve: WHOOOOOOOOOAAAAH!

Poetry has never been in more perfect motion!

The force causes Slippery to slide closer to the bathroom door. Slippery sees this opportunity and crawls for it, slowly sliding his way to the door, but before he could leave a few familiar faces trotted in and blocked his way. Steve stirred around on the ground and took notice.

Steve: Hey look...our friends are here!

Blue, Tickety Tock, Shovel, Pail, Mr. Salt, Mrs. Pepper, Cinnamon, Parika, 

bloody hell

and Mailbox were standing by the door, here to check up on Steve like how the people he helps out usually do at the end of the actual episodes. 

This is literally the worst time possible for one of these moments.

There was no way out for Slippery. Steve came to and picked Slippery up from the ground before taking him back into the bathtub as his friends stick around and watch like they usually do at the end of the actual episodes.

Well, it's true.

Steve: Now it's time for so long!

Steve began to lather Slippery against his skin.

Slippery: WHOOOOOAAAH!

*winces*

Steve: But we'll sing just one more song. Thanks for doing your part, you sure are smart!

Steve begins scrubbing Slippery between his toes, breaking the thin bar of soap apart at the seams.

Slippery: whoooooah...

*cringes*

Steve: You know with me and you and my dog, Blue!

Blue jumps into the tub with Steve as Steve rubs what's left of Slippery onto her.

The worst insult. The absolute fucking worst.

Steve: We can do anything, that we we wanna do!

Slippery's "whoahs" finally dies down as he crumbles and dissolves into the bath water, inevitably going down the drain.

*fucking dies inside*

Steve: We can do anything, that waaaaAAAAnna do! 

will that be the official last botch? Somehow I doubt it!

Goodbye! So long!

Worst. Blue's Clues. Ever!

Steve's friends begin to back out of the bathroom as Steve closes the shower curtain and continues sing as he takes a bath. Blue jumps out and closes the door as the storybook credits roll before closing the book next to a paperback copy of "Corduroy". 

Oh, there it is. That's Corduroy. Yep. 10/10 cameo. Can the librarian go ahead and kindly move this lit to the "where dreams go to get fucking murdered" section, please

Remember that book, kids, and the happy ending it had?

Don't remind me!

Meanwhile, back in the Steve Residence. 

Don't, man. Don't bring me back here so soon, man!

Steve finishes drying himself off and puts on his green striped robe before noticing his now empty soap dish.

Did I really have to the turn the dagger like this? Guys, I'm sorry I put you through this. To the homie Steel, especially.

Steve: Now I can't have that.

Neither can us, Steve. Neither can all of us.

He says to himself before heading into the storage closet and pulling out a small box. He opens it and pulls out a brand new bar of soap and places it on the soap dish.

New Slippery: WHOOOOOAAH! Hi Steve!

The only meaning this has to me is that this'll officially be the last time that the dynamite ever goes boom.

Steve: Hey Slippery!

Steve greets before turning off the lights and trotting out of the bathroom.

And the cycle continues as does the world continues to turn. Fucking horrible. Fuck me, mang. If I had known that THIS is what I put you all through at the time, I would've never done this. Those are my final thoughts. Good night. The Die-In's closed.


Ben Mankiewicz: By the time it was all said and done, "Slippery Smooth" came to be remembered as a huge hit for Old Man Jenkins. At least, it was remembered as such for a couple of weeks until "Community Deathmatch" took the entire SpongeBob Community by storm.

The part of the Thinking Chair, who throughout the entirety of Blue's Clues was never implied to be sentient, was a particularly challenging role for the old man to cast. He only knew that it felt right to bring another 90s children's icon in. And after making some right calls to the right people, OMJ somehow managed to land a real man of science for the coveted guest spot. Paul Zaloom, famous for his title role as Beakman in "Beakman's World", lent his recognizable voice for those two entire lines of dialogue. "Beakman's World" > "Bill Nye the Science Guy". I can only recommend that you refrain from making the old man change his mind about that.

One last interesting note before we cordially cap this series off, the inspiration for the lit's title came from none other than another 90s classic about a dog, "Courage the Cowardly Dog". Don't believe me?

It was far from the first time that the old man sought direct inspiration from that particular series, as fans of one his first lits, "Post Fiction", can attest to. The majority of Imposter SOF's dialogue was composed almost entirely of Eustace Bagge soundbites, right down to the main character's trademarked weapon of choice; "me mallet".

If you made it this far, then we'd like to thank you again for joining us in celebrating "Slippery Smooth". At the top of tonight's broadcast, I promised a "special announcement" for the end of tonight's Die-In festivities, so I am pleased to announce that one more Die-In Theater event has been added, currently scheduled to take place on Friday, October 30th. The featured event for that night will be OMJ's scary story contest-winning short story, "Family Reunion". We invite you to come join us as we look to work up one more scare before Octerror Fest is over.

Absolutely not!

OMJ barges into the TCM studios living room set.

I will NOT be put through that again! Not by you! Not by TCM! Not even by Fathom Fucking Events! This shit's over!

Ben Mankiewicz: OMJ, please, let's try and be civil about this.

Civility died when Slippery Soap did! One obligatory badly choreographed fight coming up!

OMJ throws hands at TCM's Ben Mankiewicz, who manages to dodge them all quite handily. Ben Mankiewicz connects with a hard punch to the kidney, followed by a chop to OMJ's throat. He then grabs OMJ by the arm and twists it, sending OMJ through the coffee table with a powerful judo throw. Ben Mankiewicz steps away to compose himself, but OMJ comes lunging back in.

WHOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAHHHHH!

Ben Mankiewicz simply side steps the rushing attempt and sends OMJ flying through the set's window. Ben goes around the back of the set, picks OMJ off the ground and throws him back into the set through another window. Ben Mankiewicz bends down and clobbers OMJ's face in with stiff palm strikes. The force of these strikes is enough to absolutely obliterate OMJ's nose. Mankiewcz twists his body around and effortlessly locks OMJ in a triangle choke.

Ben Mankiewicz: Surely we can find some other way.

OMJ: Did Slippery find another way?!

Ben Mankiewicz: How's about this for some middle ground? You open up the Die-In Theater one more time, and I'll go put in a word with the powers that be at TCM about having "Slippery Smooth" immortalized in the Criterion Collection.

OMJ: Deal. We'll see you on the 30th, everybody! Bye! See you there!

Edited by Dr. Dark
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Ben Mankiewicz: Good evening, and thank you for joining us for our final Die-In event of Octerror Fest 2020. I'm Ben Mankiewicz, as alway, your host of tonight's featured attraction. Up until tonight, we took a fond look back on the trials and tribulations of a bar of soap in Old Man Jenkins' "Slippery Smooth", a tragic tale of suspense and grade school mystery. In it, we followed a protagonist who slowly but surely grew wise to the increasingly dire events that unfolded all around him. However, in tonight's feature, we will follow a character who is quite frankly none the wiser, to say the least.

OMJ was in the thick of production for "Community Deathmatch" at the time, which had already well taken off by this point, so the majority of his time and energy went strictly into creating content for that. But throughout 2014, he would use some of that Deathmatch money to fund side projects that included such inspired works as "Escape from Unfinished Island", "Supercommunity!" and "Elias the Elastic Dog". But it was the holiday events like your Octerror Fests and Snowcember Balls that really allowed him to break free from the niche mold of the ever popular SBC Lit genre.

Specifically written for Octerror Fest 2014 as an entry into that year's Scary Story Contest, "Family Reunion" takes us back to more familiar territory, set within the confines of the SpongeBob universe. Not the 2013 site update. "Family Reunion" is a short story that details the events surrounding a sudden gathering of the Plankton family and the grim ramifications that this particular reunion could have on the entire family as a whole.

Much like "Slippery Smooth" before it, "Family Reunion" puts a sinister spin on a beloved episode of the original series that it was based upon. And unlike a vast majority of SpongeBob-related works, it doesn't even feature the little square dude at all. Just how well could that turn out? You'll have to watch along to find out. Originally posted on October 29, 2014, this is Old Man Jenkins' "Family Reunion".


FaroffIndelibleBug-size_restricted.gif

Doctor: So let me get this straight, Mr. Slate, you left the club and got into the car of a radioactive, handsome actor?

Spruce Slate: Very handsome, yes.

Doctor: You consensually allowed said radioactive, handsome actor to perform sexual acts on you?

Spruce Slate: How could I not.

Doctor: And then somewhere along the way he...bit you on the testicles while performing fellatio?

Spruce Slate: Yeah, I think we might've hit a bump or something. Not us. I mean, I hope this doesn't put any distance between us, but, like, the car. The car might've hit a bump.

Doctor: There's something very wrong here, indeed.

Later that night

Spruce Slate: I feel funny...Ach! My balls are tingling!!

Spruce's balls begin to grow astronomically.

That handsome actor's bite gave him amazing ball-tastic powers

A blue tinge begins to emanate from his balls and spread out across his entire body.

And an amazing ball-tastic costume

Spruce Slate: I AM THE BLUE BALLS!!!

Here cums The Bluuueee-uuee Balls!

Crimson Chin: Stop right there, you deviant! My chin gives me super strength!

Blue Balls: My balls give me the power to break the fourth wall!

Bronze Kneecaps: I told you not to make me use this. Now I'm using it!

Blue Balls gets Kneecap down on both knees.

Blue Balls: And I told you to stop tempting me to use this. Now I'm using it!

Blue Balls throws his crotch at Kneecap's face.

Crimson Chin: Oh no! It's the Iron Lung! It'd we don't stop him, he'll blow the entire city away!

Blue Balls: Oh, he'll blow something. Shield your virgin eyes, Chin.

Crimson Chin: What are you do- BY THE DAWN'S EARLY LIGHT!!!

Blues Balls: And just who are these two again?

Cleft: They're Copper Cranium and Brass Knuckles, two of The Crimson Chin's mortal enemies.

Blue Balls: ...kinky. I want them. I want this entire rogues gallery. I want them all for my own. It's just too easy.

Cleft: It's the Heart of Gold!

Blue Balls: Lemme guess, yet another Crimson Chin mortal enemy?

Cleft: No, he's everyone's favorite childhood hero!

Blue Balls: Chincinnati really is full of fucking prudes, I swear.

Heart of Gold: And who might you be, Heart fan?

Blue Balls: I am The Blue Balls, Chincinnati's very first LGBTQ+ superhero!

Heart of Gold: Oof.

Blues Balls: As well as the first on the spectrum!

Heart of Gold: Big oof.

Blue Balls: And the first to be diagnosed with cancer!

Heart of Gold: Bigger oof.

Blue Balls: Of the ball variety!

Heart of Gold: I want to take you under my wing, Heart fan, but you must pledge loyalty not only to me but to the Notorious G-O-D, himself!

Blue Balls: What'll you have me do?

Heart of Gold: You're fired.

Blue Balls: Hey, I had $1400 in my pocket! Heart of Gold, you fucked me!

Heart of Gold: Now, now. That's not very family friendly.

Blue Balls: No, it's ballsy! Blue Ballsy!

Heart of Gold transforms into the Silver Tongue.

Blue Balls: You know, you made a lot of mistakes in your time, Heart Man, but that...was your worst mistake yet.

Blue Balls makes Silver Tongue lick his balls.

Blue Balls: Chin, join us! We can't complete all the colors of the rainbow without you!

Crimson Chin: I can't! I'm all about family values!

Blue Balls: What did families ever do for you?

The Crimson Chin in: BLUE BALLS

EXCLUSIVELY ON OAXIS


GargantuanImmaculateFennecfox-max-1mb.gi


Here's a lil something-something I put together.

Could you be more shit-eatingly coy.

Family Reunion

For years, Sheldon J. Plankton had always kept himself distant from his extended family, mostly out of shame in knowing that he's the only one out of the thousands of them who actually went to college and strived to achieve bigger and better things in life than just guzzling down root beer, watching trash TV all day. 

Imbeciles.

So it would come as sort of a shocker to Clem when he found out that cousin Sheldon would volunteer to host the annual Plankton Family Reunion at his restaurant, The Chum Bucket. 

At least everyone'll know the food will be shit.

Before Clem could put anymore of what little bit of thought he had into it, the idea of all the free root beer he could drink at the function swept through his mind like red tide.

Who did a google search? THIS GUY!

The Plankton family made their way to Bikini Bottom in droves, all gathering at what looked to be the biggest reunion in years. 

I even managed to get Plankton's mother-sister's husband-brother's estranged side of the family to fly in and help pad out the numbers.

Sheldon welcomed them in with open arms, almost immediately indulging them in an entire buffet of what was pretty much of the chum variety. 

Plankton: We serve shit here, family.

From chummy joes, chumsticks, chum nuggets, chum burger, chum fricassee, and of course, his special Chum Bucket Supreme.

One Chum Bucket Supreeeeeeme! Did somebody order a Chum Bucket Supreme?

"Hey cousin Sheldon!" Cousin Jeke shouted out to him. "What's the recipe fer this here 'chum freak assy'?"

Behold! The standard of comedy back in 2014!

"Well Cousin Jeke," Sheldon responds. "I first put in about three teaspoons of chopped onions an- oh dear, your fricassee looks like it could use some more salt!"

Just beat him in a game of Mario Kart and it's covered.

Sheldon quickly covered Jeke's fricassee with a pinch more salt. 

Which is probably like a hill of salt to them.

A pinging sound could be heard coming from the kitchen.

Fun fact: eagle-eared readers might recognize that sound as the famous xat soundbite for whenever somebody posted!

"Sounds like my chumbalayas are done. I'll be right back!" Plankton hastily made his way into his kitchen, 

Covering that amount of distance at his height would normally be a night's journey, but luckily, I had the power of God and editing on my side.

the doors shutting loudly behind him.

As appetizing as all this chum was to the common plankton, 

Jeez, you'd think this story was sponsored by the Chum Bucket.

Clem 

It was.

couldn't help but wonder where all the root beer was. 

What is this? Catscratch?! Yeah, remember that one?!

He set his plate down and followed Plankton into the kitchen to inquire about it. 

He gave them food, but not drinks? Fucking dick.

When he entered the kitchen, Sheldon was nowhere to be seen. There appeared to be no chumbalayas cooking, and worse, no root beer anywhere. Clem climbed up on to the kitchen island to give himself a better view of the room. He steps foot onto a piece of paper, which was like a giant to him. 

Kinda weird wording, but okay.

Next to the paper was an open bottle.

That fucking root beer holdout-ing bitch.

Clem looked over the paper and it had what appeared to be a recipe of some sort on it.

1. Three tsp. of chopped onions

Yeah, you can go ahead and hold the onions for me. Wait, this sounds familiar...

2. A pinch of salt

Did he...

3. A cup of love

That's rated G for semen

4. 4 lb of freshly ground plankton

200.gif

And boom goes the dynamite.

Sheldon finally emerged from a secret door to what appeared to be his laboratory behind the oven. 

Yeah, that was always there! Right!

He instantly notices Clem looking over the paper and jumps up to approach him.

"Hey there, Clem-Clem!

I don't know what's supposed to unnerve me more, the recipe or that.

Whatcha have here?" Sheldon asked with false sincerity.

"I don't know" Clem replies. "I can't read!" Clem laughed to himself. 

Haha! rip

Sheldon laughed along with him, a bit more maniacally, but that didn't seemed to throw Clem off.

But that terrible use of past tense should. No matter if you can read or not.

Sheldon laid a few cases of root beer out on the table, covering the paper.

...How?! The paper's a giant to Clem, so the cases must be regular sized root beer if it can cover that.

"Here's what you've all been waiting for!"

Oh good, an actual scare for once. Come on, I can take it.

"SOOOOEEE! Root beer, root beer, root beer!" Clem shouted out with glee.

I think we all aspire to be acknowledged by someone the same way that Clem acknowledged that root beer. Just me? okay..

"Say Clem, do you mind helping me distribute these root beers to everyone? A couple thousand seem a bit more than I can handle." Sheldon asks, pouring a few cups to hand out.

Good thing I put that bit about the cups there, otherwise, I would've tore that shit apart.

"Sure thing Cousin Sheldon, that's what family's fer!" Clem grabs a case 

thumb_breath-in-od-boi-%E2%A5%A4-alarmin

and accompanies Plankton back out to the reunion.

"Wonderful." Plankton muttered, snickering to himself.

Wait, wait, revisiting a previous point. So was he, like, already feeding them plankton since Jeke asked for the chum freak assy recipe and Sheldon flat out started reciting the fake secret Krabby Patty recipe. Where did he get the plankton for that?! Did some family members arrive early or something. That's some fridge horror shit right there.

"Boy, I tell you what, 

*hwat

I CAN'T WAIT to put one of these cups of love to my lips I'm tellin' you right now, Cousin Sheldon!"

Like, close that fucking fridge man, consider me spooped! *gets out of jalopy and runs away from the Die-In like a baby back bitch*


Ben Mankiewicz: "Family Reunion" would clinch the top prize of the Scary Story Contest that year, just barely beating out Clappy's critically acclaimed Texas Chainsaw 3D SBCinemas parody. Clem Plankton would go on to receive the most praise for his riveting, hair-raising performance as himself, with some critics even saying that it reinvigorated his status as a one-time SpongeBob character. However, feeling quite content with this being his swan song, Clem turned down all roles that came flowing his way  as a result and effectively retired his character for good. He now spends his days spending his royalty checks on, you guessed it, root beer.

And with that, we officially wrap up this year's Die-In Theater. Thank you, all of you, once again, who came out all this way to show your support. Without readers like you, this Drive-In Theater wouldn't be possible. And while we may be closing the book on Octerror Fest, that doesn't necessarily mean that you've seen the last of TCM and Fathom Events here on SBC. I am happy to announce that the Drive-In will be back for Snowcember Ball 2020. Make sure to bundle up if you decide to join us then. And that's not all. TCM and Fathom events are currently coordinating future Drive-In events that will spread out throughout the year of 2021. And yes, that does include Octerror Fest 2021, when we will be taking a deeper dive into "The Secret Box" by Old Man Jenkins for its 8 year anniversary. And hopefully, if the stars align, we'll have a special collaborator on board to join the old man for that one.

And speaking of future collaborations, the Drive-In is absolutely opening it's doors to them. Just shoot us a PM and we'll do what we can to accommodate you depending on the circumstances. We are currently looking to hold our first collab event sometime in the nearer future. We hope that you'll join us again soon.

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Ben Mankiewicz: Hello, and thank you for taking the time out of your Thanksgiving to visit the Die-In for a very special three-part event presented by TCM and Fathom Events that the old man would like to call; "Jjs' Riffing Rampage". I'm Ben Mankiewicz, and I'll be your host for this touching holiday tribute to the great riffing innovator. Often seen as the Steve Martin to OMJ's John Candy, or vice versa, there's your one Thanksgiving-related reference to celebrate the occasion, jjsthekid has entertained the members of the SpongeBob Community for a decade, producing such hits as "Storm Racers", "Mystic Guardians", "SBC Parallel Universe"and let us not forget the forgotten gem that was "Kurtis Killers".

One of jjs' most experimental offerings to date, "Kurtis Killers", saw him giving Bill Kurtis the rights to a new crime documentary. In it, Bill would expose the most secrets of known killers and some you may not know about. Those were literally his words then and not mine. Just find the thread and you'll see for yourself. However, months before "Kurtis Killers" premiered in May 2011, jjs launched another experimental crime thriller in the form of a police procedural parody known as "CSI: SBC".

One of the the first SBC Lits in recorded history, "CSI: SBC" involves the adventures of SBC users solving crimes. During the time of this lit's run, tvguy was often seen as the "God of Crime Fiction", a self-proclaimed title that jjs obviously didn't take too kindly to and, in fact, hoped to take for himself with the premiere of this sure fire hit. We'll let you be the judge, jury and executioner of whether or not he managed to win that title at the conclusion of tonight's special feature. 

Jjs' first foray into crime takes us to the Golden State of California. A murderer is on the loose, and there are only so many California based members to rule as suspects. Two officers are cold on the trail and only getting colder. Will you be able to figure out the mystery before they do? Chances are, you just might. Originally posted on November 20, 2010, this is the pilot episode of jjsthekid's "CSI: SBC" titled; "The California Crazyman".


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CSI: SBC Season 1

OMJ: Ladies and gentlemen, you know him as Bobby Bacala on The Sopranos; JJSTHEKID!!!
Jjs: Yep, the creator of Riffing Theater 3000 is back in action, this time with another lulzy work from a decade (!) ago. Long long ago, in a state, far far away, lived a young jjs, whose parents loved CSI shows. They made me love CSI shows, too! Years later, to tap into that childhood nostalgia, I decided to do my own SBC version of CSI. Then I lost interest in this very fast and it was never to be heard from again. I, uh, really jumped the gun a bit with that "Season 1" label. I also tried selling this off to a few users at several points in time, but none of them wanted to continue this either. And I don't blame 'em. :bruh: 

Episode 1: The California Crazyman

OMJ: How dare you, 2010!jjs, assume the California Crazyperson's gender! What a product of its time.
Jjs: Cancelled already, only a title in. You know what they say about first impressions, folks!

Officer Dalton was walking his way, patrolling the streets. 

OMJ: C033-ED5-D-FC71-4209-95-D9-85192-B3-F0-D
Jjs: Dalton walks warily down the street, with the brim pulled way down low!

He then heard a bloodcurdling shriek. 

OMJ: Sounds like somebody's having a good time.
Jjs: Man, I sure knew how to really hook the audience. That loud ass shriek definitely glued asses into seats, that's for sure.

He turned on his flashlight and walked along. 

OMJ: The boulevard of broken dreams?
Jjs: Ain't no sound but the sound of his feet, machine guns ready to go!

He came to a street lamp and saw a dead body of a girl hanging from it. 

OMJ: Hehe, it sounds like he jerked off to a street lamp and only just noticed the body after he finished.
Jjs: WEE WOO WEE WOO!

The next day, many other officers arrive. 

OMJ: The next day?! I would hope within the next half hour at the most!
Jjs: If nothing else, gotta give myself a pat on the back for the accurate portrayal of the police. And this was written 10 years ago!

Officer Dylan says," She was stabbed in the chest and hung. We have one sick bitch on our hands." 

OMJ: Hey, that's no way to speak of the mentally ill! No wonder this got cancelled.
Jjs: You're right Scoob, we're dealing with one sick son of a bitch!

Officer Dalton and Dylan patrolled the area. 

OMJ: In risk of making an ass out of u and me, I am led to assume that Tango & Cash here are supposed to be tvguy and some other member whose name escapes me?
Jjs: Dalton is supposed to be Steel, and Dylan is indeed supposed to be tvman. When originally making this, I had planned for every SBC officer to use their irl names to make it more authentic. Which in retrospect was kinda creepy and rude of me to do that without people's consent. :bruh: 

The only clue they found was a letter in her dead body, 

OMJ: I sure hope it was laminated.
Jjs: Damn, even the postal service here is whack.

and it said: "Hello Officers Dylan and Dalton, by now you have found the dead body of Jasmine."

OMJ: Ooh, let me guess! DOOGLE?!
Jjs: I think Jasmine was also supposed to be an SBC user from around this time, but fuck all if I could remember who it was.

"Too bad you have no idea who I am or what my intentions are. Enough said, True Believers!"

OMJ: I don't know what to find funnier, the obvious red herring attempt or the fact that 4EG probably would actually give himself away like that.
Jjs: Not 4Ever enough, where's the emoticons? ;):pinhead::wesnaw:

Dylan says," Jason Cantu! That bastard did it!" 

OMJ: Reminds me of those flushable wipes with the frog that wipes its own ass as the mascot.
A36-DCDDF-AAD5-49-BD-A267-1-F88-A80-E92-
Jjs: Again, using his name was kinda shitty on my part, so legit apologies to 4Ever. I do like how so close-knit this area of California is that the officers can immediately tell who wrote a letter from their quirks.

Dalton says," Well, where does he live?"

Jjs: Use the SBC Member Map.

"Uh.." Dylan replies. Dalton says," Now we have hit a brick wall." 

OMJ: Please don't let our commentary breaks fool you, THIS is how this entire lit is structured the whole way through.
Jjs: They don't have the ability to find his location despite knowing his full name? Looks like the SBC police got defunded too.

A man named Alec passes by and says," Hey guys." 

OMJ: Let's give a quick shout out to Sir Alec Guiness!
9505-B24-C-EA11-4495-82-ED-EAF600-E83324
Jjs: Could also be Alec Baldwin.
930-D4432-0233-449-B-B177-DE3381-AE685-A

Dylan says," Hey Alec.

Jjs: I also like how in this close-knit community, officers and civilians strike up casual conversation.

Now we to find out who the fucker is that murdered Ja-" Alec says," Can you please not curse? Thanks." 

OMJ: I can't think of a curse word that starts with a "Ja". Slurs maybe, but not curses.
Jjs: Ah, I remember now. "Alec" was supposed to be The Cartoon and I was satirizing an incident where he left the site due to our cursing. There's your SBC lore of the day from JjsFiloni!

The 2 Officers walked along. 

OMJ: Did you re-use the same backgrounds for all these walk cycles?
Jjs: Yeah, there's only so much the Die-In Theater can pay to use my Queen song lyrics!

They then saw Jason Cantu coming out of a Grocery Store. 

OMJ: God damn that Grocery Store Inc. These corporate asshats pushing all the moms and pops out of business and shit.
Jjs: Hoping this Grocery Store is the first to go in the eventual riots.

Dalton walks up to him and says," Alright, listen you fucking bastard. Why did you mur-" Dylan says,

OMJ: There's no need to shame him for his illegitimacy. Come on, he can't help it.
Jjs: Damn, look at me trying to make Steel a badass. You know what they say about balls of steel.

" I want to be the bad cop!" Dalton says, " Fine."

OMJ: How about you graduate from the grammar police academy first, kid. The three-second rule applies to cars, not sentences. The space between that first quotation mark and 'I' is like double that.
Jjs: That's okay, you're both bad cops. *drum snare*

Dylan says," Alright, listen up you fucking Art drawing pedophile! 

200.gif

OMJ: Jesus! Who's Art now?!
Jjs: If this is Dylan's audition for the LAPD, then he'd fit in great with these quick accusations.

We know you murdered Jasmine and hung her body, you fucking sicko." Jason says," Boys, boys! 

OMJ: Not what you wanna say when somebody accuses you of being a pedophile.
Jjs: Also not something to say to a murder accusation neither, unless you're Foghorn Leghorn.

I don't know what your talking about.." Dylan looks into an alley and sees a shady figure. Dylan gets grabbed by the figure. Dylan screams. 

OMJ: Uhhh, how far and away was this alley? I just figured they stopped him near the entrance of the store.
Jjs: Wow folks, even the culprit got tired of their incompetence and had to hold their hands like a twisted puppet master to move the plot along. What does that tell you?

Dalton says," Dylan!" He goes into the alley and sees the shady figure jump up on the roof.

OMJ: He jumped to the roof of god knows what AND with Dylan still in tow? I sure hope you boys brought the big guns.
Jjs: I always knew those bouncy shoes would come in handy someday, or maybe this guy's a ninja, or both.

Dalton climbs up the building. He says," Ugh, this is a pain in the ass.." 

OMJ: It's called having good cardio, officer. You should already have it. They just give anybody a badge in California.
Jjs: They'll take in anyone after the defunding.

He finally reaches the top and sees Alec about to throw Dylan off the roof! 

OMJ: oh no, such a terrible loss of life that's about to happen. anyone but the endearing fan favorite, please.
Jjs: Holy shit folks, the only other character seen in this chapter was the culprit! I knew something was suspicious about him wanting to strike up casual conversation with the police, sneaky fuck.

Dalton pulls out his gun and says," You! Freeze, fucker!" 

OMJ: Ah yes, there it is. #6 on the SpongeBob Community Spin-Off/Lit Institute's "10 Years...10 Literature Quotes" list. What inspired you, jjs, to write such an iconic line?
Jjs: I probably wanted Steel to be a badass here, given his 10/10 attempt to be the "bad cop" earlier.

Alec says," Fine, it was me.

Jjs: I sorta think Officer Steel over there already figured it out given the "You! Freeze, fucker!", but I also don't blame Alec Baldwin over here for having to spell it out for 'em neither.

I want to make this state a better place. 

OMJ: When in doubt, hang 'em out!
Jjs: You could be running for office or protesting or fuck, probably anything else, but instead you choose to murder this one girl in your holy journey to make the state better. That sent a message alright, and also the cops up your ass, so real nice job. Don't worry folks, his motivation gets even more galaxy brain.

You see..I was tired. This poor girl had been bullied at school and I had to destroy her from earth. 

OMJ: Ah yes, the infamous motivation that drove Alec straight to his #4 rank on the SpongeBob Community Spin-Off/Lit Institute's "10 Years...10 Villains" list. Jjs, you Thomas Harris-lite motherfucker you, I think I speak for all of us here at the Drive-In when I ask...just how? Where did you possibly get such a brilliant idea, at such a young age, for such an inspired villainous backstory? I mean, to "destroy her from the earth" just for being bullied at school? How could one conceive something so horrible, yet so relatable that it's frightening? This is a commentary that, quite frankly, flew over the heads of many critics at the time, if I do say so myself.
Jjs: Wow, Alec must be on a whole other plane of existence to think that idea was "genius". Our plebeian brains can't fucking compare, man. But seriously, I don't have a fucking clue what I was on with this. :bruh: So he was sick of the girl being bullied, and he put her out of her misery? Not just that, but "destroying her from Earth" like he just fucking vanquished Satan himself. Either I was trying to have a truly deep, sympathetic motivation that ended up being more "this guy belongs in an asylum" than anything, or I was mostly winging this as a shitpost. Probably the latter. 

I also wrote that letter to throw you off track with Jason's quote." 

OMJ: And just when I thought this thing couldn't get more ingenious, you go and pull that one over all our heads. This is a twist that the likes of Shyamalan could never even dream of making work so seamlessly. It takes a very careful hand and a very talented, prodigious writer to telegraph that with such twisting precision! I can see the roots of many a SBC literature all being traced back to this one episode, jjs.
Jjs: I'm glad it threw them off track so much that you had to stop their interrogation by kidnapping Dylan, which ended up leading them to you. If you take away nothing else from this lit, remember the galaxy brain power of Alec.

Somehow, Dylan escaped his grasp,

Jjs: Somehow...Palpatine returned.

and yelled," YOUR FUCKING INSANE!" as he shot him with his gun in the temple. 

OMJ: Hey, he told you that in confidence, officer.

Jjs: Thanks for the clarification, I thought he shot him with his dick instead of his gun.

Alec fell off the roof, laying hurt on the car. 

OMJ: I think being shot in the head, falling off a building and landing on a pretty rough surface would leave him more than just "hurt"
Jjs: Given this man's incredible galaxy brain power, I'm sure that mortal bullet was only a scratch to his mere might.

Dalton says," Good Job, Officer." 

OMJ: Not killing a man in the most lethal way possible really is something to be admired.
Jjs: Good job officer, we had our first successful case in lord knows how long, maybe the public will like us again!

His body is seen going into an ambulance and 2 police cars follow. Jason then says," Enough Said, True Believers!"

OMJ: But we never found out who Art is!
Jjs: Was 4Ever watching all of that while it went down? Is this how he gets his sick kicks!?

Notes/Trivia/Goofs

Jjs: Ya dun goofed, kid.

Each State or Country will have different officers in it.

OMJ: As it is in real life, yes.
Jjs: I'm actually glad for the clarification, because based on the department's amazing competence in just the first chapter, I was kinda worried if they even had the resources for international officers and that we'd be stuck with those two goofy goobers for the whole ride.

Character Debuts: Officer Dalton, Officer Dylan, Alec, Jasmine, Jason

OMJ: All of whom I'm guessing we won't see again if that last note was anything to go by.
Jjs: I don't know if I'd count Jasmine as a "debut".

Culprit: Alec

OMJ: I was just about to say, what's the point of adding "Goofs" in there if there's never any goofs? I can recall not one single goof in these tv.com round-up shits, but for once we finally got one courtesy of this Drive-In exclusive because way to spoil the twist if somebody just were to catch sight of that while skimming down first. Remember, theater goers, spoiler tags are our friends! They never mean you any harm. They can be a little overprotective, sure, but it's all for your benefit and mine. I should know, I got spoiled before right before we started!
Jjs: That's okay, I'm pretty sure nobody was that invested in this to be miffed by spoilers.

Location: United States, California

Jjs: California is a country now!? Damn, I guess Calexit did happen in this timeline.
OMJ: And that, beautiful friends, was the pilot episode for CSI: SBC. I never fucked with the CSI franchise beforehand, and I never plan on fucking with it ever. I'd like to thank our very first collaborator, jjsthekid, for helping us make this retrospective possible
Jjs: I'm glad to be along for this short, crazy ride, Jenks. This was true Avant-garde shit right here with some real deep Shakespearean character motivations. All I can say to close this out is: #DefundtheSBCPolice!
OMJ:. We'll both be back right here live on location at the historic Drive-In Theater to cover what's left of this series, so make sure to reserve a stall and watch along with us! Bye! We'll see you tomorrow!

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Ben Mankiewicz: Hello and welcome to Night 2 of our 3-part "Jjs' Riffing Rampage" special event. Last night's feature gave us a brief, but unflattering look into the goings-on of California law enforcement at the time. In fact, it was after the premiere aired that state police officials would instill an addendum to their recruitment process, barring anybody with a history of participating in the SpongeBob fandom in any way, shape or form from ever joining the force in any capacity. An unspoken rule that is still in effect to this day, almost a full decade later.

Tonight, we unceremoniously depart from the glitz and glamour of what we can only assume to be Hollywood and we officially touch down in the Great White North to see just how better they have things up there. Jjs, proving himself to be the pioneer we all know him as even at such a young age, decided to go the anthology route years before the likes of American Crime Story and True Detective even hit the airwaves in a ballsy move that was intended to parody the likes of CSI: New York and CSI: Miami.

This time, we follow another pair of officers who are cold on the trail of another murderer and they're only getting colder in a country that isn't known for being anything else but. Different location, same story, you know the drill with these police procedurals. Originally posted on November 21, 2010, this is "Canadian Plead".


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OMJ: You might remember him as the mascot for Twinkies; JJSTHEKID!
Jjs: Honored to be back for the second, Jenks, though my time as the Twinkies mascot is not one I like to reminisce on. After the amazing ratings of “The California Crazyman”, I naturally continued CSI: SBC for another chapter. They gave us a slight budget increase for this one, since in this one we got to film in Canada, although in hindsight we may have blown the budget a bit too much in this one as you’re about to see.
OMJ: And who says it’s cheaper to film in Canada!

2. Canadian Plead:

OMJ: No, "Canadian Plead" is NOT a character in this episode. It's just the episode title!
Jjs: Fun fact: This title was based on the song “Canadian Please” which someone linked to on Xat in 2010. This is about as relevant as this entire lit. :bruh:

Officer Hassan Bajwa was driving his police car. He was Canada's #1 Crime Solver.

OMJ: Only two lines in and we are already firmly planted right up Hassan's ass. I'm starting to have some SBC*holds nose*PU flashbacks.
Jjs: I had the weirdest boner for Hassan in my works around this time despite his overall minimal impact in SBC history. I was really trying to turn him into that fan favorite character, and I was going to shove him down your throats whether you liked it or not. I’d say the results were successful.

He had gotten word that a murder had happened in Ontario. He got a call from the new Officer, Officer Jenny, who says," HEY HASSAN!  SPONGEBOB IS SEXY, NOW GET TO THE CRIME SCENE, HANDSOME."

OMJ: Where the hell was this Officer Jenny in Pokemon? Brock could've actually gotten lucky with this one.
Jjs: I honestly straight up don’t remember which SBC user she was based on at all. And if I can’t remember something SBC related, you know this character is a true bonafide enigma. I look forward to her character arc, trust me when I say I feel it’ll be quite inspiring.

Hassan hangs up and says," This will be one tough recruit to train.."

OMJ: How'd she even make it through the academy with all the casual attempts at what 2010 considered to be flirt- ohh, I think I see how now. :funny:
Jjs: Looks like the Ontario Police Department had some rough cuts too.

He arrives at the scene and finds the dead body of a man named Kan Two Shoes.

OMJ: Now that's a name and a show reference that I do know!
Jjs: RIP SOF. This lit really held no punches back when it came to killing off your favorite SBC users. Some real Game of Thrones level shit up in here.

His Histeria! shirt is covered in blood.

OMJ: Niiice. The Histeria! shirt, I mean. I loved that show. Sucks that blood just had to get on it.
Jjs: What, was he also wearing a Phineas & Ferb hat while you’re listing off his favorite shows?

He examines it. Officer Jenny says," HANDSOME, I FOUND A CLUE. IT'S A JIMMY TWO SHOES LUNCHBOX."

OMJ: Jenny. Jenna. What's up with these Jen's joining the site back then and being dangerously thirsty?
Jjs: Stained in blood too, I assume.

"Wonderful, except that won't help us. " said an obviously annoyed Hassan.

OMJ: You could, like, scan it for DNA yo.
Jjs: Viewers had some issues with Hassan’s downer vibe here, but I think it’s justifiable to an extent when you know what happened behind the scenes. According to unverified rumors, the Ontario Police Department donated some of their budget for this episode’s production, which made them lose their access to DNA analysis for this case. Pretty dick move on our part, but in fairness, Sherlock over here is “Canada’s #1 Crime Solver” so I doubt he even needed it.

He bumps into A Man named Dylan (Note: Not the Dylan from California)

OMJ: Duly noted.
Jjs: This Dylan is tvfan95. Just wanted to clarify that to the audience now so you’re not having strokes. The fact I had to use two Dylan’s in a row shows how much my creative juices were flowing, boy did I use that budget well.

and he says," Hey Officer Hassan who will never be as awesome as me."

OMJ: The profound dialogue and character interaction on display here is already giving the masterclass that is "The California Crazyman" a run for its doubloons.
Jjs: Trying to do a dick measuring contest with an officer is certainly one unique way to get a ticket.

Hassan says," Thanks. Do you know about the murder of Kan Two Shoes?"

OMJ: Well, why don't you just let him spank you and call him daddy?
Jjs: I’m sure it’s international news by now given SOF’s a celebrity.

Dylan says," Murder?" Hassan groans and walks away.

OMJ: What symbolism! It's almost as if you're using Hassan to represent the general consensus towards this lit!
Jjs: Wow, not even in Harry Potter do you see such masterful subtly. Hassan’s groan was also a nice use of onomatopoeia.

He then visits his friend Eric's house. He walks in and sees Eric on his laptop, typing on SBC.

OMJ: One of the few instances in the SBC Lit genre where the SBC site actually exists and isn't just presented to the reader as some "real life" location or cityscape that the members just all so happen to live in. Trés avant garde. Perhaps Down Under was onto something, maybe we all truly will never be as awesome as Dylan.
Jjs: What I got out of this reveal is that SOF is never logging into SBC again in this timeline. That’s sad as fuck.

He says," Hey Wumbology." Eric says," This isn't SBC, you can call me Eric."

OMJ: Easy there, Fido, you only just met.
Jjs: How about we compromise and chop your name down to just Wumbo.

Hassan says," Know anything about the murder of Kan Two Shoes?"

Jjs: Is this his catchphrase? Even without the context of the murder, does he ask that question to everything in life?

"Dude, you have known me for a long time. Why would I do that?" said Eric.

OMJ: Way to cast immediate doubt and suspicion onto yourself.
Jjs: I feel like Wumbo of all people should have a more serious reaction to SOF’s death than this, but I guess I didn’t have the budget for his own Shakespearean internal monologue, understandable though when you see the sheer attempt of unique, artisan dialogue in this chapter.

Hassan says," Sorry, just too suspicous."

OMJ: Don't apologize! This is official police bsns! Do you see Cole Phelps apologizing in L.A. Noire when he's sweating people?
Jjs: Fans have speculated Hassan’s misspelling of “suspicious” was a deliberate attempt to play a mind game with Wumbo, although as the author I cannot confirm or deny this.

Officer Jenny is waiting outside. She says," ANY LUCK YET HANDSOME." Hassan says," BE FUCKING QUIET! NOBODY GIVES A GOD DANG RATSHIT ABOUT YOUR DUR THIS IS SEXY COMMENTS!"

OMJ: Something tells me this would've made for a prime Deathmatch back then.
Jjs: “God dangit ratshit”? We’re really firing off the zingers, folks!

Officer Jenny seems upset. She then decides to be quiet. He drives the car. He says," No luck.."

OMJ: Well, you got her to be quiet. I'd say that's progress.
Jjs: This was a true turning point for Jenny’s arc, having her darkest hour. But don’t worry, there will be a light at the end of the tunnel for her.

Just then, the Police Car gets a hole in a tire and the car goes flying into a grassy valley.

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OMJ: No! Anyone but my favorite character the Police Car!
Jjs: First SOF, and now the Police Car. This murderer is even more of a diabolical antagonist than Alec, which I know sounds unbelievable, but wait until you see their motivation, believe me, it’s wild.

Hassan groans and breaks the door off.

Hassan: Time to fire my agent.
OMJ: Said agent would, in fact, go on to land him his famous SBC*holds nose*PU role. Only then was he fired.
Jjs: When this case is over, he’ll be paying for this poor police car’s repairs.

He is hurt. A sharp metal piece is hanging above him. He says," Jenny, Help.." She doesn't respond.

OMJ: It could be worse. I mean, it could be a sharp metal snake hanging above him.
Jjs: Damn, she’s really committed to being quiet.

Hassan is in panic and says," I'm sorry, but it is the truth! Your sexy comments get annoying and this time I need help or the Killer will kill everyone in Ontario!"

OMJ: No! Anywhere but my favorite province Ontario!
Jjs: I like how he called them “sexy comments”, not y’know “sex comments” or “creepy flirting”, implying he might have a hidden hard on for her comments. He probably just wants to remain professional while on duty, I see you Hassan.

Jenny says," YES, SIR!" She kicks the Sharp metal piece.

OMJ: Okay, these random ass capitalizations are just starting to really piss me off.
Jjs: We got a little experimental with the budget and made the metal piece so sharp we had to make it clear as possible.

Just then, Dylan appears.

OMJ: Quick, use a pinap berry on em!
Jjs: I’m glad my carefully planted subtle clue from earlier culminated into this grand entrance. It’s too bad Wumbo couldn’t join us for this chapter cast reunion though.

Dylan laughs and says," It was me! I threw a Tic tac at the tire, causing it to crash."

OMJ: Boy, their breath must've been thermonuclear.
Jjs: Wow, this brilliant man used a tic tac, just one, to make an entire police car tip over. That is one OP ass tic tac. We need to study and mass produce it because those would make good ammo for the protests.

Hassan, still bleeding a bit,

Jjs: I think it’d be more than a “bit” but considering I portrayed Hassan as Canadian Jesus in my works, he probably did walk that crash off like it was nothing. Keanu Reeves got nothing on him.

attacks him. He says," Why did you do it?!"

OMJ: There's some very inspired shades of Christian Bale here in this career defining performance.
Jjs: WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME!?

Dylan laughs and says," I am the oldest member on tv.com and nobody respects me for it!

OMJ: If we're speaking in terms of age, then wow is this pretty funny in hindsight considering how Dylan's true age would come to light like the very next year. If we're speaking in terms of tenure, then I would think SpongeSebastian has you beat on that front, buddy. He was even on TV Tome from what I recall. If the term OG were to apply to anybody here, it'd be Seb.
Jjs: Time for some clarity so the audience knows what the fuck is going on: tvfan95 was known to be kind of a pompous egotistical dick who demanded respect. There’s your SBC lore of the day again from JjsFiloni.

Nobody respects me for making the most awesome spin-off either!

OMJ: HOOO BOY!!!
Jjs: Spongebob n’ Friends truly was the second coming of Christ with its vivid, beautiful one-sentence synopses. I’d be pretty pissed too if people weren’t kissing my ass 24/7 for that work.

So, I had to get rid of an olden member, Kan."

OMJ: Damn those oldens and their better personalities!
Jjs: Or he just killed the first SBC member he could find in Canada. But seriously, this fuckin’ guy killed SOF, a Canadian icon, and a police car, because he didn’t get enough respect. I don’t know about you guys, but I’m terrified as fuck now. You better respect your damn elders or he’ll be offing more Canadian icons and cars snap, like that. Rumor has it even Thanos is terrified of tvfan95, and that’s when you know it’s the real deal. Both of my culprits so far have had real galaxy brain motivations that us mortals cannot comprehend or fully understand. It’s rumored that these complex, deep motivations were what led to this literature’s cancellation, which is understandable because the power of them was simply too much for the SBC network.

Hassan punches him and he goes flying into the car. He groans and falls to the ground. Hassan arrests him.

OMJ: jjs, what sort of rigorous training did you have these two undertake in order to bring such an exhilarating fight scene to life?
Jjs: If you analyze this scene closely, you can see shades of unique fighting techniques from John Wick. In fact, rumor has it that 13 year old jjs was the true inventor of John Wick franchise. I showed my Hassan fight scene to Keanu Reeves, asking if he’d like to play this guy, and he busted a nut in utter shock at the might Hassan brought. He asked if he could play Hassan in a movie and I gave him my blessing. But he ran into an issue, Hassan was so good, that he couldn’t even play him! They had to make a new character altogether, which I respected the decision behind. You heard it here first, Hassan was the original John Wick, and he is the only person in the world Keanu Reeves is said to fear.

Jenny says," LISTEN UP, YOU PILE OF SCUM. GET OUT OF CANADA NOW."

OMJ: DEPORTED!
Jjs: I’m sure other countries will kindly take him in after murdering every Canadian’s favorite celebrity SOF.

Hassan says," You are no longer a rookie, Jenny!" Jenny says," YAY!!"

OMJ: These standards that Canada had for their law enforcement legit frightens me. I hope it's been reformed sometime during the last decade.
Jjs: For she’s a jolly good rookie, for she’s a jolly good rookie! I told you guys this would be inspiring, and man did it deliver! Creepily flirting with your fellow officer is okay if it culminates into yelling at a murderer to get out of the country. I was pretty proud of how her arc came out here.

Notes/Trivia/Goofs

Jjs: If the “Goofs” is referring to goofy goobers, then this chapter was loaded with them.

Location: Canada, Ontario.

Jjs: Ontario seceded too!?

Character Debuts: Dylan (Canadian),

OMJ: Wait, so he can't be DEPORTED? Don't go dumping your you bad apples on us, Canada!
Jjs: With his brain power, I feel like the Canadian government might try to find a use for him and his magic tic tacs.

Eric, Hassan, Jenny, Kan

Jjs: All of whom will also not be seen again. Shame, I really would’ve loved to see a follow-up on Wumbo’s character arc, I felt it had the most potential.

Culprit: Dylan (Canadian)

OMJ: And that's it, episode two in the books! True Detective it most definitely is not, and the standard set by that masterful first episode certainly is a bar that casts a large shadow over the rest of the show as a whole.
Jjs: As we delve further into my twisted 13 year old mind, you can see this lit takes not only the most compelling elements from Shakespeare, but Homer, Poe, Twain, George RR Martin, and even Dickens. Unfortunately, this high literary quality could not last, because this got cancelled after the third chapter due to overblowing our budget and a massive dip in views after this chapter, which you can’t blame them because how could this lit have topped this? Let’s hope my 13 year old self brought us a hell of ride to end this. You know what they say, three strikes and you’re out, so let’s hope it’s the home run, which it probably isn’t. #DefundtheSBCPolice!
OMJ: Will the last episode find a formula to break out into its own glory? Stay posted with us here at the Die-In as Jjs' Riffing Rampage continues! Byeee!

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Apologies for the bigger than expected delay, this was originally supposed to be posted on Saturday. My bad, y'all.

 

Ben Mankiewicz: Hello and welcome to Night 3, the final night of our "Jjs' Riffing Rampage" special event, presented by Fathom Events and Turner Classic Movies. I am your host, Ben Mankiewicz. Last night, we took a trip north of the border and found out the hard way that things up in Canada aren't too dissimilar from the crimes we became accustomed to here on native soil during the events of Night 1.

"Canadian Plead" helped to launch the career of its star, Hassan, who practically became a star overnight thanks to his erratic, energetic performance. Thanks to the working relationship he formed with jjsthekid during his time on "CSI: SBC", Hassan would soon go on to become one of the tentpole characters for jjs' next biggest hit, "SBC Parallel Universe". In it, he once again portrayed a fictionalized version of himself doing what he did best; being the best, at least in the artistic vision of jjs. Once his time on "SBC: PU" came to an end, Hassan decided to take a break and put his career on hold indefinitely, feeling as though he was on the verge of becoming typecasted as some super capable version of himself. He wasn't necessarily against reprising his role in anything else per se,  he just wanted to branch out and explore other aspects of his personality more, aspects that didn't quite align with the ideas of creatives at the time. 

These creative differences came to a head when Hassan entered serious talks with Old Man Jenkins about possibly bringing his character over to "Community Deathmatch", a lit that Hassan thought would humanize him more and portray him as being a bit more vulnerable and not entirely Superman. However, things got heated when he was pitched the idea that he would effectively become Deathmatch's John Cena, which would've been yet another spin on his old, tired character. Hassan pulled himself out of negotiations and hasn't considered a return to the industry since. Hopefully someday, somebody will be able to portray this star from the Golden Age of SBC with the respect and dignity that he truly deserves.

Tonight's feature will take us across the pond for our next murder mystery, or lack thereof. You'll just have to see what I mean for yourselves. Tonight's feature will also be the last one for "CSI: SBC" as the the lit would be cancelled shortly thereafter, but more on that from the kid himself later on during tonight's commentary. Originally posted on November 21, 2010, this is the "Case of the Stolen Britain Jewel". 


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OMJ: He's here to promote his upcoming SBC*holds nose*PU spinoff, "The Long Awaited Redemption of Q in One Chapter or Less"; JJSTHEKID!
Jjs: And here’s the long awaited conclusion to the crime epic that is CSI: SBC. My ass is beyond ready for this. It’s been a heck of a trip down the decade ago lane. Sadly yes, this is indeed the end of this mastercraft. No tears, I know this is going to be a heartbreaker for everyone, but all good things must come to an end. Chapter 3 ended up having such a dip in viewership, and combined with behind the scenes issues, that the network had enough after this one. I know what optimists try to say about third time’s the charm, but trust me, the network was right to stop it after this one. As fans have ranted for years, this one suffered the most executive meddling of the chapters. The artisan writing you saw from the first two chapters was met with a lot of network skepticism, so they told us to “tone it down” with this one out of sheer fear. Unfortunately, in doing so, it made this one ending up being quite a downgrade that didn’t reflect my original vision and ironically ended up killing the series altogether. They tried to help our show, and ended up killing it. Let me tell you, that was one heck of a big dick play right there from the network.

3. Case of the Stolen Britain Jewel:

OMJ: A mystery worthy of Roy Earle, I'm sure.
Jjs: Let me guess the reveal: it was Free Britain Jewel Day all along, so nobody actually stole anything?

It was October 9th, 2010.

OMJ: Please tell me this specific date has some sort of real world relevance.
Jjs: October 9th, 2010 happened to be a very momentous day in the history of the world. It was so impactful that you don’t even hear about it, because its power is too much for real world history to handle. The truth is that date was when the first script for this episode was submitted, which ended up being drastically different than the final product. The original script may or may not still exist, but legend has it whoever reads it will ascend to godhood. With that much power, is it any wonder fans were let down by what we ended up getting instead?

Officer Dylan (Note: Not the Dylan from US or Canada) had been alarmed there was a robbery at the museum.

OMJ: So if this episode is, indeed, continuing the trend of introducing different iterations of the world renowned Dylan name with a new member playing the iconic role in each episode, just who is our George Lazenby here?
Jjs: This Dylan is PokeSponge for your final clarity. I don’t know what ancient cosmic force from beyond compelled me to use three Dylan’s in a row, maybe I was trying to do a cute little running gag or that’s just a result of using people’s real names instead of their usernames. That said, there is one rumor afloat that the network had proposed an Officer Dylan Power Rangers style team-up for the season finale, which would’ve been a real nut buster and ratings grabber. However, that would’ve never seen the light of day anyway given the three Dylan’s quit acting after their initial appearances. Not that I blame them. :bruh:

He tagged along with his partner, Officer Bozza.

OMJ: Wow, Pazza was around a lot longer than I thought!
Jjs: More SBC lore of the day from me: Bozza was one of Poke’s irl friends from 2010, so he was basically a package deal for inclusion at the time. I hear to this day he’s pretty salty about the rate we paid him for this appearance, which was out of my control due to the budget cuts.

They arrived at the National Britain Museum of History.

OMJ: We here at the Die-In put our crack team of researchers to work on this one and we can confirm that no such institution going by that name actually exists. This sort of lends some credence to the long-standing rumor that the factual British Museum flat out refused to allow a couple of SpongeBob forum goers to film on its premises.
Jjs: Yep, it’s true. We actually wanted to use the British Museum in the original script, but when it came to film day, we didn’t have the money to film there and we got sternly kicked out of the premises. As a result, the network had to half-assedly slap together the shitty “National Britain Museum of History” set, which was cheap even by SBC lit standards.

There was the broken glass case. The Jewel of Eman Toun was stolen.

OMJ: Those wacky Brits and their perplexing way to spell "town"!
Jjs: The origin of “Eman Toun” is quite a fuckin’ weird one out of this work’s many odd tidbits. One night, the writers got really drunk and they played a game to name the jewel after the first thing that came out of their drunken mouths. “Eman Toun” was the first thing slurred out, and we went with that. Not our finest idea in hindsight. I felt like we missed out on referencing a lot of compelling British lore here.

Officer Dylan says," Bloody Hell, this killer knew what he was doing!"

OMJ: Killer?? Where's the body? Until I see one, I think the word here should be "thief".
Jjs: Maybe the thief broke that glass case so damn good they may as well have murdered it. Most in the world do not have any regard to the callous disrespect done to glass cases, but I happen to. I’ll be the one to honor their hard work and give a moment of silence to this brave broken glass case, giving its life in the line of duty for the Jewel of Eman Toun. A real British hero right here, ladies and gentlemen.

The only clue was a Grey Rubber Glove, found aside the Case.

OMJ: I'm already beginning to lose track of all these new characters.
Jjs: Grey Rubber Glove and Case were supposed to have larger story arcs in this one, but sadly like several other elements, they had to be cut due to time. It’s a shame because I was vibing with Grey Rubber Glove’s groove from the original script, he had a lot of potential for a Best Character Spinny.

Bozza got out his scanner and examined it.

OMJ: Ah, so the second episode did well enough to justify fitting actual DNA scanners into the production budget.
Jjs: Don’t let your eyes deceive you, this scanner was actually a toy we had to rent out. The prop department wasn’t exactly in the mood that night, let’s leave it at that.

It seems like the Thief

OMJ: Thank you!
Jjs: It seems like the Thief probably didn’t appreciate you calling him a killer, though is flattered “he knew what he was doing” at least.

had washed the glove off of any stains or prints.

OMJ: A true master of his craft, being able to do all of that while still at the scene of the crime, AFTER the crime had already taken place. Almost as if to mock the underlying ineffectiveness of these constables.
Jjs: There was a deleted scene showing how Thief washed his magic Grey Rubber Glove off that damn good, but it was cut due to network fears it would teach robbers how to successfully rob jewels.

Officer Dylan examined the Rubber Glove carefully.

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OMJ: I sure hope Rubber Glove gave him consent.
Jjs: Thought it was the Grey Rubber Glove, did that DNA analysis make it lose color?

He says," We'll need to take this to the lab for Future testing."

OMJ: Yeah, Future will get to bottom of this! This won't be nearly as disappointing as Ash and friends handing the GS Ball over to Kurt.
Jjs: Leaked footage of the lab:

Next day, they arrived at the Lab.

Jjs: The next day!? I would hope they had gotten there asap, unless this department lost their funding for vehicles.

Dylan put it through a different scanner.

OMJ: Wow, TWO scanners?! Canadian Plead really must've put asses in seats.
Jjs: Don’t get too giddy, this scanner was made out of cardboard.

Same results. He said," Gah.."

OMJ: The famous Norwegian supermodel?!?!
Jjs: Fans have speculated that “Gah..” was improv dialogue made up on the spot by Officer Dylan since he forgot his lines.

Bozza said," Maybe we should check the Security Footage!"

OMJ: Wha-?! What a concept!
Jjs: Wow, there’s our big brain moment of the chapter, but it really falls flat compared to the past two. Was it unaccessible when you first went there? Did they need to buy the Security Footage lootbox? This is a major plot hole that has never been answered for a decade, despite many fan attempts to bandaid it. As the creator, my personal theory is that both officers are poorly trained rookies who are starting out, so go with that if you like.

They go back to the Museum.

Jjs: Considering it apparently took them a day to get to the lab, I’m presuming another day flew by us just now.

They check the Camera, only to discover it was damaged.

OMJ: Catching a glimpse of Gah, the famous Norwegian supermodel, would have that effect.
Jjs: This is what happens when you use EA’s lootboxes.

They found a suspect. A women named Hannah had entered the Museum around this time from the memory of a British Officer.

OMJ: Take note of the fact that I took extra special care to keep that last sentence intact because, boy, do we have a lot to unpack there. A riff gifted to this Drive-In by the gods, themselves! I better not mess this up! *clears throat* So what is she, a couple of conjoined twins joined together at the hip? And did she just literally enter museum grounds by way of some sort of quantum portal that was tripped from this one officer's mind because of that one time he might've, sort of checked her out? Is she The Bye Bye Man? The Bye Bye Women, I should say!
Jjs: Last SBC lore of the day: Hannah was another irl friend of Poke’s. Her arc was the most botched of them all as you’re going to see below. A lot was cut out from her story which the actress was not happy about.

Officer Dylan knew her well and didn't think she would do it. But Bozza disagrees.

Jjs: This could’ve put every anime rivalry to shame had this gone anywhere.


It was December 2nd, 2010. Still no leads.


OMJ: Oh, so we're not gonna go into a bit more detail about why they both have such contrasting views on The Bye Bye Women? Ok.
Jjs: Alas, the lore surrounding British Dylan and Bozza’s views with Hannah also had to be cut due to time constraints. I admittedly was never a big fan of that decision either and I tried to debate the network over it, but to no avail. This weird ass two month time skip where seemingly nothing happens would’ve been filled with their conflict. It’s no wonder fans complained about this one being incoherent when you miss a crucial detail like that.

The next day, they found another clue.

Jjs: We skipped to December 2nd, 2010, but then we go right to the next day? Way to rob December 2nd, 2010 of its big moment, you fucks!

It seems like the Thief had painted red marks around the case.

OMJ: A master class in burglary. To have so much time to mock the police force post-heist for their ineptitude, and then to have that mockery be justified by the sheer amount of time it took them to finally notice it.
Jjs: Rumor has it, these red marks were using the blood of the glass case he murdered.

It wasn't just random letters, it was a code.

OMJ: Is it this week's Cartoon Cartoon Fridays Orbit code?!
Jjs: Cicada 3301’s got nothing on this.

Bozza had unscrambled it and the name revealed out to be "Daniel."

OMJ: Well, at least one of those new scanners are good for SOMETHING.
Jjs: Many had wished we had taken the opportunity for good British lore by making him Daniel Radcliffe, but that was never in our budget or talent, I’m afraid.

They went on SBC and looked at older users who lived in the UK.

OMJ: Why older users? What piece of evidence exempted younger users from the list? Ageism at its worst! 2010 was a completely unrecognizable landscape.
Jjs: Who knew the British SBC Police were so ageist? Time for the protests!

They discovered An Ex-GFX Designer was named Daniel,

OMJ: More like jjs discovered an ex-GFX Designer was named Daniel and proceeded to put it out there, am I right?! *holds hand up for high five*
Jjs: *gives a high five* Yep, that’s exactly what we have here. Already I’m wishing we had gone with that Daniel Radcliffe idea.

his username was Ninja. The case was about ready to be solved.

OMJ: This member truly is a product of a land before my time. With a username like that, how could he be anything but a thief.
Jjs: Holy shit, Ninja is a professional game streamer by day, and a professional jewel thief by night. That’s a hell of a double life commitment right there.

December 18th, 2010. Daniel was sentenced to Court for robbery of the gem.

OMJ: Daniel sure dodged a bullet there. He could've been sentenced to prison instead!
Jjs: Wow, I am truly perplexed right now. They know he’s guilty, but our climax is at court? “Ready to be solved” my ass! I guess since the two goofy goobers didn’t exactly have compelling evidence beyond a name, someone pulled strings to give Danny a trial to be 100%? There’s 16 days we missed, so maybe they ended up botching their investigation badly leading to where we are now, which I wouldn’t doubt with how much of their arcs has been botched in general. The original script didn’t even have a court scene either, so this was a mind boggler of a plot turn right here.

He says," Fine, you caught me.

OMJ: Gotta love how all these perps put forth zero effort to try and defend themselves. They know just how bad they really are.
Jjs: So if he’s only now confessing this, WTF were they truly doing in the past 16 days!? Having a fancy tea party with him? Look at this story, tearing my brain apart trying to analyze its crazy timeline!

But too late, I already sold it off to the Black Market."

OMJ: Yeah, good luck spending any of that money FROM COURT! HAHAHAHAH! *pounds dashboard from how good of a funny I just made*
Jjs: I guess this might answer how he got a court hearing in the first place with all that money I’m sure he raked in, if you wanna headcanon that.

However, he didn't sell it off.

Jjs: Well fuck my theory right in the ass then! That was our one chance to return to the deep, clever writing from the first two chapters, but you ruined it with one line. Thankfully, that’s the last time I ever try to speculate about CSI: SBC!

It was in his pants pocket, which Officer Dylan grabbed.

OMJ: God dammit! 2010!jjs just out-funny'd me.
Jjs: He’s been hiding pickles in his pants this whole time!
Daniel: And... there's my ride!

The Judge said," Mr. Daniel, I hearby declare you guilty of Robbery of a Famous Jewel.

OMJ: So famous that the crime that it was involved in and the words used to describe it had to introduced as their own separate characters to show the viewers just how famous it really is.
Jjs: I sure hope the British justice system has improved since 2010, cause this was one of the whackest trials I’ve ever seen.

Now, Court Dismissed. Bring in the Dancing Lobsters."

OMJ: The real case here should be the amount of times this joke has been stolen.
Jjs: This is the pièce de résistance of solidifying this in 2010 SBC culture.

Officer Dylan said," Case Closed." as he high-fived Officer Bozza.

OMJ: Well, that's definitely a let-down from such original closers as "Enough said, true believers!" and "You are no longer a rookie, Jenny!"
Jjs: The original ending had a much more artistic ending, with Bozza and Dylan having a nice cup of tea after working out their disagreement over Hannah. Would’ve actually wrapped up every arc better in this than what we got.

Notes/Trivia/Goofs

Jjs: You could dedicate a whole section on the “goofs” in this chapter alone.

Location: UK, Britain

Jjs: I would make another secede joke but this one actually happened. :bruh:

Culprit: Daniel

OMJ: Without a doubt the absolute least memorable of this lit's rogues gallery. I was expecting another batshit crazy ass motive, but all I got was the completely barebones of every mystery caper movie ever. At least Canadian Dylan had the whole Tic-Tac sponsorship thing to his name. Daniel has absolutely jack shit to his...except for this week's CCF Orbit Code!

OMJ: Just go to the Orbit section of CartoonNetwork.com and enter in this week's code "Daniel" to pick up your NEW CCF Ctoon! Weren't able to redeem this week's code? Don't worry! There'll be a new, entirely different code on next week's CCF! So really, you're shit out of luck! Good luck trying to win the Ctoon through the auctions section! You're gonna need it!
Jjs: Daniel had a much more nuanced, deep and fleshed out motivation in the original script, but due the galaxy brain levels of the first two culprits, the network demanded we tone his reasoning. I have to agree he was absolutely our worst culprit. Not even a post-credit scene of him meeting with Alec and Canadian Dylan would’ve redeemed him since he’d just look so pathetic compared to their might.

Character Debuts: Officer Dylan (UK, and this will be the last time you see the name Dylan )

OMJ: Wow, way to telegraph your own lit's cancellation
Jjs: Had episode 4 existed, I probably would’ve had an Officer Dylan in Australia to keep my hot streak going. Even if there wasn’t one on SBC, trust me, we would’ve found a way.

, Officer Bozza, Daniel, Hannah, British Judge

OMJ: Couldn't have at least made it British Elastic? I am very, very disappoint. So there we have it, folks. The sour note that was undoubtedly the final episode of CSI: SBC! Having started off with such promise, it is now pretty clear to me that CSI: SBC just couldn't break free from the shadow of The California Crazyman.
Jjs: It truly is a shame the CSI: SBC police never recovered from their massive budget cuts. Only once in a lifetime do you see fanfiction this beautifully crafted, paying respects to both the crime drama and art of literature as a whole, with several cleverly hidden references only savvy literature connoisseurs would discover. While I was upset over the network pulling the plug, it was ultimately for the best. I have to agree with OMJ, Chapter 3 was a massive disappointment compared to the standing ovations of the first two. This one you can clearly see got meddled to hell and back to the point of no repair. The deep Shakespearean character motivations were all removed, the culprit lacked the compelling deep motivations of the first two, the overuse of Dylan really wore out its welcome, and the shit budget was on full display here. It would’ve only been downhill from here. Ending it here was honestly a mercy kill.
But if I can be serious for a moment, yeah this was hot ass lol. Three strikes and you’re out! The biggest issue looking at it now is that it was more of a goofy shitpost than an actual serious effort, which is what happens when you’re 13 years old. And yes, a lot of emphasis on the “shit” part because this certainly was. If I had taken this seriously, and fleshed out the cases, this might’ve been interesting. Or if I was gonna go for a comedic approach, done a more clever parody of the CSI series cause that shit is ripe for parody coming from someone who used to watch it. I also really should’ve just used people’s usernames instead of their actual names to avoid the issue of three Dylan’s in a row. That said, I genuinely enjoyed riffing this. It takes me back to the lulzy small scale works we riffed back in the day. Overall, I’m glad I got to riff CSI: SBC, it felt like meeting an old friend again. A special thank you to OMJ for providing the opportunity to riff again and I’m honored he’s continuing the riffing legacy. I look forward to whatever he does next, and maybe someday I’ll join the fun again.
OMJ: Just wanna give a big thank you to jjsthekid for being the very first member to bring one of his works over to the Die-In Theater, as well as for helping to make my quality of life easier during the making of these commentaries! Bye! See you next month!


Ben Mankiewicz: Following the conclusion of jjsthekid's stint as showrunner, the rights to the "CSI: SBC" IP would later be given to Spongebobs1Fan, who would go on to do nothing of note with it before the rights were eventually defaulted back under jjs' ownership. Jjs would, in fact, go on to post one more episode of sorts during the fabled Summer of 2011, all apart of a dare that came as a result of the Truth or Dare fad at the time. This episode was moreso a parody than anything else, mocking the unnecessary bumping of the "CSI: SBC" thread that occurred on the same day of its posting. The lit would then go dormant for more than a year before being raised from the dead again on December 6, 2012.

In one more attempt to sell off the lucrative rights to the potential franchise, jjs would reach a deal with up and coming writer, SpongeMaxwell, who proposed to produce new episodes of the series through his newly established Maximagination production company. Maxwell would post a teaser of things to come that very same day, promising appearances by a newer cast of members who weren't present during the lit's original run two years prior as well as the anticipated return of series favorite, Dylan. Despite a slightly problematic transition of ownership that eventually saw Maxwell's new thread for the lit merge with jjs' original, "CSI: SBC" looked to finally be in good hands.

However, despite a very promising start, no new episodes would once again ever see the light of day under this latest new ownership and Maxwell would disappear from the community entirely a little less than a year later. Perhaps some potential inspiration for the  next possible reboot? The rights would eventually default right back to jjs, who decided that it was best to shelve "CSI: SBC" for good, and the series has remained dormant ever since. And as for jjs himself, well, as they say, the rest is spin-off/lit history.

And that officially wraps up "Jjs' Riffing Rampage". On behalf of all of us here at TCM and Fathom Events, thank you for joining us for this very special look back at jjsthekid's humble beginnings. And we'd especially like to thank jjs, himself, for entertaining us all for the last ten years. Not even this Die-In Theater would be possible without his contributions and influence. Here's to you, kid.

The Die-In will be reopen again in December for our regularly scheduled Snowcember Ball festivities. We hope to see you then.

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Ben Mankiewicz: Good evening and thank you for joining us here at the Die-In Theater as we gear up to celebrate OMJ's forthcoming 10th anniversary here on SBC by taking a fond look back at the original, the OG, the very first spinoff that started it all for the old man here under the SpongeBob Community banner.

Let us take a gander on back to January 2011, when OMJ was searching for a new forum to call home after he went and got himself banned from the Avatar Community almost two years prior. When returning to tv.com proved to be a bust, he would eventually find his way here, pretty much a SpongeBob version of the Avatar Tv.com Refuge that he was already accustomed to. And it was on that forumotion site that he would officially launch his storied spinoff/lit career. And that's about it, really. Nothing too interesting to embellish more than I have already attempted to.

Tonight's full-length feature was not exactly the old man's first attempt at spinning off from SpongeBob, but it was his first real effort that didn't completely ripoff Aqua Teen Hunger Force. I strongly suggest going back to the archives and reading those back for yourself sometime, but for now, join us on a trip down to New Kelp City, the new home of our main protagonist, Fred Rechid, as he tries to juggle work, family and a budget as painlessly as possible.

Originally posted either entirely on January 5th, or roughly sometime between January 5th-8th of 2011, this is "Break A Leg!: Season 1".


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Show Title: "Break A Leg!"

You heard Ben right! We are gonna be diving into the very first spinoff I ever posted, at least under my OMJ name. The less we say about Pablo_808-era me the better. First things first, apologies for the Snowcember riffs suddenly going AWOL. The original plan was to riff "Seasonals of Belief" and "Crime Wave" since I originally posted them both in time for the 2014 holidays. I ended up scrapping "Crime Wave" because it wasn't very Christmas-y at all to begin with and I just wasn't satisfied with how the Seasonals riff were turning, so I just scrapped both (for now, at least). I remembered that my 10th anniversary is in like two weeks, so I thought this would make for a good enough consolation. I revisited these fairly recently back when I was still writing my rebooted version of Break A Leg! Season 3 a year or two back, and I thought they aged a tad better than I thought they would've. At least, that was mindset about a year or two. A lot can happen in a year or two, so let's try and make that final judgement now!

Synopsis: After years of enduring pain and torment being done to his leg in Bikini Bottom, mild-mannered Fred Rechid has finally snapped 

Haha! Like his leg!

and goes above and beyond to take some 'necessary' action. 

Knowing me, he was probably written to go on a wanton killing spree with some black comedy elements thrown in.

He sues the city for all it's worth, deeming it an unsafe environment, and does so by using whatever resources he could remember and muster up during his failing days in law school. 

Oh wow. That's, like, the completely legal way of going about things. Where the hell are twists like these in my writing nowadays.

After many months of trials and tribulations,

And as we saw in this theater's first ever feature, "Trials and Tribulations" would eventually make its return in Slippery Smooth.

Fred finally wins his legal battle. Using his reparation money, 

Okay, take it easy there 2011!OMJ. This is 2021 now...

he moves his two sons and his new fiance 

Ugh. Fiancé. Freakin' amateur hour over here.

into a luxury apartment on the upper east side of New Kelp City. More money causes more problems when Fred's fiance and sons start squandering Fred's hard-earned money at an increasingly alarming rate. 

Hard earned? Maybe I should just sue my city too.

Now, Fred must go above and beyond to stabilize the family's financial situation in an unforgiving city full of wacky and unstable characters with an economy that is not so bubbling at the moment

*shrugs*

...or get hurt trying.

Now that's what you call a hook! I'm pretty sure I managed to get one whole ass into a single seat because of that one.

Main Characters:
Fred Rechid: (A.K.A. "My Leg!" Guy from the original series) A mild-mannered everyday man who suffers from agliophobia, other wise known as a fear of pain, 

Yeah, I googled that. That's right, I said I googled that. Big whoop! Wanna fight about it?

most likely caused from his days of torment back in Bikini Bottom. 

Looking back, I'm pretty sure he was just committing insurance fraud at that point.

He is very money conscious, but is not incredibly greedy like Mr. Krabs. 

I can relate to him already! Can't you?!

Has two teenaged sons from a previous marriage. His first wife took off and was never seen or heard from again, leaving him to raise his two sons by himself. 

Wow, usually it's the father that does that shit. Truly innovative stuff.

His fear of pain often times leaves him vulnerable in many situations and mostly causes him to get pushed around and not taken seriously by others, even his own family. 

My heart goes out to all the people out there who suffer from this very real phobia. I'm sorry that a cartoon fish had to be your only representation at that time.

He's a former office worker and janitor at Shady Shoals Retirement Home. Job searches for most of season one to usually hilarious and outrageous results. 

Word to the wise, 2011!OMJ, don't make any promises that you can't keep. If only you had learned that sooner, things could've turned out differently these last 10 years. Yeah, Post Fiction Season 2 might've actually happened.

Later finds a more permanent position during the latter half as a secretary at the offices of Fancyson & Sons.

Yeah, just go ahead and spoil that just in case people don't make it to the actual story at this rate.

Sadie "Future Mrs. Rechid": Another background character from the original series who has a more prominent role in this series. 

You know the one.

She is Fred's fiance. They got engaged fairly recently. She is very dominant over Fred, splurges his money, and often gets after him with false accusations of adultery when in reality, she is the one cheating on Fred. 

Sounds like the makings of a good Judge Jerry episode, or just regular Jerry Springer. Either/or.

She uses Fred for his money which she spends lavishly to satisfy her own material needs such as plastic surgery and clothes. 

You know, all that gold digging stuff.

She's not very fond of her future stepsons, but they're really fond of her. *wink wink*

For fuck's sake, this is just worse than all that stepbrother/stepsister shit nowadays,

Tommy Vincent Rechid: Seen previously as a background character in the original series in the episode, "Slimy Dancing". 

You know the one.

Fred's, now of age, 

Well at least I had the common sense back then to at least do fucking that.

oldest son who is very fond of motorcycles and leather, lots of leather. 

Wouldn't be no work of mine if I don't try to make something correlate with something else supposedly dirty that just does not stick. At all. This like early GTA 1 and 2 levels of adult humor.

His biological mother abandoned him and his family at a young age, leading him and his younger brother to be raised up through most of their childhood and adolescence by a single parent in Fred. He seems to be the most disturbed of the two Rechid boys. 

This is all a lot of baggage to tackle, 2011!OMJ, I sure hope you know what you're doing. Spoiler alert, I didn't. I didn't know what I was doing.

He dropped out of high school and is mostly making a living off his father. 

It's like I predicted my neighbor's future. I don't like my neighbor so I'll put em on blast anytime I want.

Fred doesn't get after him much, or either of his boys for that matter, mostly due to his fear of Tommy and Monroe trying to inflict pain on him. 

Tommy shows Fred more respect than his little brother, but doesn't put it above him to intimidate his father along with his brother to give them a 'raise in their allowances'. 

Boy, is this story is depressingly toxic in hindsight.

He looks to make a name for himself in NKC, hoping to somehow buy his way to the top to outrageous results. 

Cool it, sport, this show wasn't THAT funny.

Is oblivious to Sadie's obvious infidelity.

And the cherry on top!

Monroe Timothy Rechid: Also seen as a background character in the original series in the episode, "Krabby Land". 

You know the one.

Fred's youngest son, younger than Tommy by one year. 

Could've added at least a couple of months onto that.

Fred considers him to be the more successful of his two boys. He's a star wide receiver for his new school's varsity team, is actually finishing up his high school education, and has scholarship offers coming from all across the ocean. 

Alright, now that's really stretching it. I imagine American football has the same global appeal underwater as it does on land.

His mother abandoned him at a young age, leaving him to be raised by Fred. Monroe hates his name, feeling it doesn't match up for all that he stands for. 

Toxic Masculinity

Whereas his father fears pain, Monroe takes sick pleasure in giving and receiving it, 

Jeez, I was really going out of my way to make these characters...as morally complex as I possibly could!

likely stemming from a past childhood experience in the original series. 

Forreal tho, this Krabby Land callback is one I can get behind.

Literally taking the phrase "no pain, no gain" way too seriously. Unlike his brother, he doesn't feel the need to make his presence known as he feels people should already know who he is. 

At least I knew who he was enough to give him this breakout role.

Often competes with his brother over Sadie's attention. 

Monroe: Help me, stepmother, I'm stuck!

Is also just as clueless when it comes to Sadie's adultery.

Best tritagonist front runner already.

Tom Smith: (A.K.A. "Chocolate! Guy" from the original series) Fred's best friend and Tommy's godfather from Bikini Bottom who mas moved

Live más!

on over to New Kelp City to start a new life, seeing it as a place of opportunity. 

Not unless he went and got himself a deluxe apartment in the sky.

Tom previously worked as a dentist and part time bartender in Bikini Bottom. 

I can't even remember if these were actual vocations he had on the actual show or if it's just shit I made up. One of them has to be true at least.

He now works as a tour bus driver in NKC, claiming to see plenty of action while on the job.

I don't care how much action you see on this job, sexual or otherwise, that is a huge step down from dentistry.

He is also a violent and long-time chocoholic, going above and beyond to satisfy his 'cravings'. 

Oh great, I went the extra mile by tackling addiction too.

He is also an aspiring actor, hoping to make it big on Waterway. 

Who is this? That one director character on Fairly OddParents whose life's dream changed with every episode he appeared in?

He too had some painful experiences during his time in Bikini Bottom. 

That one ice cube SpongeBob gave him really fucked him up beneath the surface.

Being confined to an iron butt for quite some time caused his marriage to implode. 

Oh yeah, that too.

He helps Fred with his job searching during much of his season one appearances.

At least someone's character bio ended decently!

Recurring Characters:
Rick Star: (Briefly seen in the Spongebob episode "Chocolate With Nuts") 

You know the one.

Is a dim-witted, sex crazed, 

Yes, of course.

and somewhat questionable pink starfish who is nearly identical to Patrick except he wears a shirt instead of pants. 

Yeah, that fashion choice is more than just "somewhat" questionable.

He's a co-worker of Fred's during the latter half of season one, working as a defense attorney for Fancyson & Sons. 

I really had no faith in this one, huh

He is also a recovering 'sugar' addict, but is seen snorting a few ounces from time to time. 

Feels like a completely unnecessary wrinkle to his character in hindsight. Tom is already the token addict after all.

Is also easily distracted from a situation, likely caused by his addiction and its side effects. He serves pretty much as Fred's own version of Patrick. 

I never would've guessed.

Rick asks for Fred's help often with his cases, most of the time making Fred doing his work for him. 

My grammar!!

Rick is also one of the very few who realizes Sadie's adulterous ways, 

Now that's a healthy dose of irony in this show's diet. I knew I wrote it this way for a reason!

but often or not 

My grammar!!

completely forgets about it in the end in similar Patrick-fashion.

Yes, they are all idiots aren't they?

Larry the Lobster: A former professional bodybuilder, powerlifter, and part-time lifeguard from the original series. 

Clearly written waaayyy before the likes of Larry's Gym and Larry, The Floor Manager.

He is the guy that Sadie is seeing behind Fred's back. 

Well then I can't say I blame her.

He moved to New Kelp City after being involved in a steroid scandal during the annual Bikini Bottom Mr. Ironman competition, which he was unceremoniously disqualified from competing. 

There's the edge I was looking for!

These are allegations that he denies sternly, claiming that it wasn't 'juice' that he was taking, but a 'protein shake'. He now works as a personal fitness instructor and lifestyle guru. 

Yeah, I pretty much turned him into Brucie from GTA IV :laugh: 

He also works as a volunteer firefighter from time to time. 

Yeah, pretty sure I got that from Richie on King of Queens.

He also goes through random fits of roid rage but uses his lifestyle expertise to calm himself down immediately after in order to keep his steroid abuse on the down low. His size apparently does compensate for something. *wink wink*

Yeah, definitely Brucie from GTA IV.

Squilliam Fancyson III: An antagonistic character previously seen in multiple Spongebob

Good god, I used to make that typo too?!

episodes. He works with his father and grandfather at the law firm, Fancyson & Sons, 

Both of whom would later make cameo appearances in a couple of my guest writes for tvguy's Squid! I tried going for a Ed Wuncler III (from The Boondocks) vibe for Squilliam here but it turned out ehhh. Despite this grandiose character bio, Squilliam really ended up doing nothing of note in most of these episodes. I had plans to finally get something going with him in the third season, but it could've came sooner. Squilliam's a character I always wanted to dive deeper into in a spinoff. He's been a constant whenever a Simpsons Hit & Run-esque SpongeBob parody enters my mind. Maybe someday, someday...

but has authority over majority of his employees, who often takes the time out of his day to abuse both verbally and physically.

So who's doing the abusing, Squilliam or the employees. That entire sentence is a run-on mess.

He hires Fred as his personal secretary during the latter half of season one. He always sends Fred out to perform increasingly difficult to almost impossible errands for him, as a way to test Fred's loyalties and his apparent fear of pain. He sees potential in Fred, whom he refers to as his 'bottom bitch' because of said potential shown during the cases Fred helps Rick with. 

Well, at least Rick ain't taking all the credit.

After giving him an errand to run, Squilliam always tells Fred to "break a leg". 

There it is, I said the thing that you won't be hearing again for the rest of this series because tv.com format!!!

Is also filthy stinkin' rich.

Ah yes, can't have a New York inspired setting without the token filthy capitalist.

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Episode List/Summaries:

Well it's about damn motherfuckin time! Let's go! *licks popsicle*

S1E1) "No Money, Mo' Problems": After finally settling down into their new home in NKC, Fred is shocked to see many things around the apartment he don't remember buying. 

My grammar!!

It soon becomes evident that his family is squandering his money for their own personal needs. Now, Fred must either take a stand or find another way to fix his alarmingly increasing 

I feel like "increasingly alarming" would've sufficed.

financial troubles....no matter what the cost!

How much you wanna bet it ended up costing him like a lot? So yeah, there it is. The very first episode of Break A Leg! I think it did a pretty halfway decent job of establishing the central conflict

S1E2) "Mr. Money In The Bank": 

Now this is the moment that you would've known I was a wrestling fan back then

Fred decides to invest some of his money into the stock market so he can make money off his money, but when he asks for help from a shady stock broker (the Con Man from the Spongebob episode "Chocolate With Nuts"), 

I'm, like, marking out man!!

his investments are seemingly nothing but bum deals. With every bum deal after bum deal, things seem to only benefit the con artist. But even more disturbing, Fred is not the only being played in this ponzi scheme.

And that was the second episode, folks! It was definitely me tackling the whole Bernie Madoff thing, but the tv.com format sorta protected me when it came to the details. Good old tv.com formats: useful for whenever you're lazy or uninformed!

S1E3) "Them Retchid Boys Are At It Again": Tommy and Monroe takes the family's new luxury sport boat mobile, 

and Sadie, 

out for a joyride. But things quickly go awry when alcohol and speed become deadly factors, and lives are being put at stake that are not their own. 

Wow, that comes off a lot more grim than I remembered.

Meanwhile, Fred is out doing something he never thought he'd find himself doing ever again...job hunting.

We can all relate to that now, 10 years later, right? But yeah, episode 3. What douchier way to properly introduce them Rechid boys and Sadie in their first starring episode.

S1E4) "Everybody's Working For The Weekend" & "Weekend At Larry's": The season's first episode with two separate segments. 

More like I couldn't decide which title was better, so I turned the b-plot into its own 15 minute segment to get the  beeeeest of both woooorrrlds

In "Everybody's Working For The Weekend", as punishment for their antics in the previous episode, Fred puts his feet down 

My grammar??

and forces Tommy and Monroe to apply for jobs to help pay off the damages done to the family's now wrecked up boat mobile. 

One Eternity Later

Fred is later shocked to find out that they found themselves jobs before he did, 

Big oof.

but will them Retchid boys 

Alright, adding the t in there was cute for just that one episode title, but don't go making it a recurring thing now!

be able to make do with what they've gotten themselves in to? 

*shrugs*

In "Weekend At Larry's", while the boys are away, Sadie will play...and fool around with her new fitness instructor. 

Haha, I kill me! slowly.

Will she be able to seduce the supposed former roid junkie into submission, or will roid rage cause Larry not to take a hint at all?

*shrugs* Just *shrugs*

S1E5) "Lone Sharks": Desperate for some more spare cash, Tom decides to take Fred to an underground poker tournament. But when Fred unknowingly and unwittingly 

Just one of those words is good enough k thx.

accepts a seemingly kind gesture from a couple of gents, he finds himself in debt to a couple of loan sharks (emphasis on SHARKS). 

That's some WWE-level of beating something over your audience's head.

When they come to collect their backpay, Fred has no dice to show and a fight for survival quickly ensues. Things get even more heated when the malicious debt collectors start hitting Fred a little too close to home. 

The balls.

Meanwhile, Tommy Vincent is out and about in town 

The middle name there was just unnecessary. Hell, giving him a middle name to complement the one that the wiki gave Monroe at the time, and all just to make an obscure Bully reference because greasers, was just unnecessary.

and finds himself recruited into the ranks of the former Bubble Poppin' Boys, the Booty Boppin' Boys.

Wow, what better way to end this portion of the riffs than with more of that cutting edge writing that I would go on to...normalize, I guess. Figured I'd end it here at five episodes since the summary and bios were an entire season of content by themselves. Be sure to reserve a stall for next time as we round up season one with its remaining 10 episodes! Bye! See you then!!

Edited by Old Man Jenkins
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