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A Dead Eye for an Eye


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Warning: Contains violence, some adult language and mature themes. It's OMJ writing a western spinoff, what'd you expect?

 

Plot: After the fall of Dead Eye Plankton and the return of Dead Eye Gulch to its former glory, Sheriff SpongeBuck must deal the ramifications of his heroic deed.

Characters:
SpongeBuck SquarePants - An out of towner who finds himself caught in the crosshairs immediately after arriving to the town of Dead Eye Gulch. Slowly easing himself into a role he never asked for, SpongeBuck now bears the weight of an entire town on his shoulders.

Pecos Star - Seen by many as the "town idiot". This optimist makes a habit of complaining about people who don't contribute to the town when he, himself, makes little good use of his time and energy. Being SpongeBuck's first friend and confidante in the town, as well as having saved him from an early death once before, Pecos throws his weight around more than ever.

William Krabs - The owner and proprietor of the Krusty Kantina, Bikini Gulch's most thriving and well-known establishment. His time of being pressed under the thumb of Dead Eye has left him with a somewhat pessimistic view of the world. In the wake of Dead Eye's downfall, Krabs takes up more of a leadership role in the town. Sometimes putting him at odds with the sheriff.

Hopalong Tentacles - The stoic employee of William Krabs, working full-time behind the counter of the Krusty Kantina. Previously seen as one of the three driving forces in the town during the reign of Dead Eye, Hopalong eases himself back into the relative comfort of his mundane existence.

Polene Puff - A former teacher, now an aspiring singer and entertainer, who performs regularly for the patrons of the Krusty Kantina. Experiences from both lines of work have molded her with a cynical take on people, and even more years of being terrorized by one of the west's worst haven't helped much in changing that.

Kidd Rechid - A former member of an outlaw gang who was left for dead by a few of his own.

Madtom Smith - A supposed bounty hunter from the mountains who drifted into town one day and hasn't left since.

Former Deputy Pinky - A former deputy who served under Bikini Gulch's previous sheriff before SpongeBuck.


Act 1: Frontier Justice

The sun rises over the sleepy town of Bikini Gulch, slowly illuminating the dreary jailhouse where Sheriff SpongeBuck SquarePants currently resides. He's awoken by the whistle of the morning train going clickety clack down the track alongside the border of town.

SpongeBuck: Hmm, morning already?

He gets out of his makeshift living quarters under the sheriff's desk. He then picks out his signature, family namesake square pants/shirt combo. A piece of his spongy body appears to be missing, but he simply hides it by slipping his clothes over it.  He then carefully places his hat atop the center of his head. He removes the custom made badge that the townsfolk gifted to him from the desk's drawer and cuts blood as he applies it to his chest once again, judging from the other other bloody poke holes in his shirt. He grabs the keys to the nearby cell before making his way towards it. He jiggles them about the cell door in a joyful, yet obliviously condescending fashion.

SpongeBuck: Howdy do, prisoner, rise and shine!

SpongeBuck unlocks the cell, grabbing a worn and used spittoon from inside. SpongeBuck empties its contents out onto the floor, leaving wads of chewed up copepods sprawled out on the floor. Some cleaner fish arrive to clean the copepods out before spitting them back up into the spittoon. All that got left over was Dead Eye Plankton, who laid on the wooden floor in a fetal position.

SpongeBuck: It's back to repaying your debt to this here society!

Dead Eye: Oh, come on! It's not like I killed anyone! 

SpongeBuck: Dead Eye, you outright murdered the last sheriff with the entire town able to corroborate that story.

Dead Eye: Damn! I should've at least thought that one out better.

SpongeBuck secures him with a ball and chain.

SpongeBuck: Now it's back to the floor mat with ya! Get along now, and maybe your little legs will carry you there in time for the lunch rush. Dahaha!

SpongeBuck grabs his bubble revolver and proceeds to lead Dead Eye out the office door, but they're greeted by the sight of the entire town already outside waiting for them.

SpongeBuck: Oh, wow! Well, top of the morning, citizens of Bikini Gulch! Don't any of you worry, the prisoner is currently in transport to the Krusty Kantina as we speak and he will arrive in ample time for all of you to get your sick kicks in! Rest assured!

Williams Krabs emerges to the front of the crowd.

William: As hearty as that may be, I'm afraid that won't be taking place today or tomorrow or even the day after that.

SpongeBuck: ...But, what about the next day?

William: Especially the next day, nor will it take place on any other anymore.

Dead Eye: Sheriff, not that I'm entirely against this, but what the hell are these yokels yammerin' on about?

SpongeBuck: Yeah, just what the hell ARE you yokels yammerin' on about?

Polene: Sheriff, the newly revitalized town of Bikini Gulch can only "rest assured" when it's finally been cleansed of a certain stank that has been stinking up the place for far too long.

SpongeBuck: But fellas, we already done tried everything to get Pecos to take a bath. Why, we even gone and passed a law ordering him to!

Pecos: *in the opposite jail cell* I REFUSE TO LET MY FREEDOMS BE INFRINGED ON! I'll rot in here all my life if I have to! And my body odor will only get worse with each passing day!

SpongeBuck: And it's already provin' to be ineffective, if I do say so myself...

William: Now that's a matter that shall be tended to another day, but today, we be talkin' about him, boyo!

William points over to Dead Eye.

Dead Eye: Watch where you're pointing that thing, boyo! I heard it's matin' season for your kind, don't wanna be sendin' out any mixed messages now.

Polene: We, as a people, have elected to exercise our Neptune given right to judge as need judging, jury as need jurying, and

William: Neptune forbid

Polene: Execute as need executing.

William: And the people of Bikini Gulch have decided that we're finally done with the games. It was fun while it lasted, but now that this town is finally firmly back on its feet, I do believe that it is high time that we send a message to any other outlaws out there looking to accost this town and its people for their own benefit!

Polene: We refuse to leave ourselves vulnerable ever again! And we'll get that message across by hanging that no gooder out for all to see!

SpongeBuck: What?! This is all a bit extreme, don't y'all think?

Kidd: We already got all our kicks in! Now it's time to put an exclamation point on that son of a bitch and close the book on this dark chapter of Bikini's history!

SpongeBuck: But Kidd, you too were an outlaw once, and then this town took you in when you were at your lowest; left for dead right at the entrance of town by your very own!

Kidd: Don't ever compare me with that piece of shit, sheriff! I know who I was and what I did, but who Kidd Rechid was and what Kidd Rechid did is nothin' compared to who Dead Eye Plankton was and what Dead Eye Plankton did! I may have ran with them Rechid boys, sure, but that was only out of necessity. Goddammit, I was only just their cook. I didn't go around killin' people, enslavin' an entire town. I made myself useful to this town and I earned my keep. He burned any chance he ever had of trust and goodwill ages ago, as far as we're all concerned.

SpongeBuck: But there's an official due process for these sorts of things now, imported straight from out east. Madtom, Former Deputy Pinky, surely you both would know!

Madtom: In my line of work, most, if not all, bounties I'd rustle in end up the very same; limp and grey to the bone at the end of a rope. It's the only due process I've ever known, and I don't think that's gonna be changin'. Not now, not for him.

Former Deputy Pinky: Now, speaking as the former deputy of this here town, I can at the very least corroborate that there is a due process of goin' about things that the east would like to see slowly implemented here, but the thing is, y'all; this may not be the east, but they ain't no better. The west is savage and brutal and a very long way's off from ever being tamed in the way that some would like. I know, I had to face off with some of the west's worst in my line of work. And I did my damnedest bringing law and order to this town alongside a great man that you all knew as well as I. A great man that Dead Eye Plankton, the worst yet that the west has to offer, took away from our undersea world. I don't know about y'all, but I personally can't stomach having to share the same town as the lowdown, dirty varmint who killed the man that made the ultimate sacrifice for all of us. A sacrifice that ultimately was in vain! With all due respect to you and everything you've accomplished in your short time here, Sheriff SquarePants, but I'm damn sure that the due process will very much be in agreement with us and would inevitably see to it that Dead Eye Plankton be wiped off the face of this here earth.

William: There is no place in the world fer someone as evil as him, let alone in Bikini Gulch. You were given that badge by the people to serve the people, Sheriff SquarePants. It's all part of the job, lad. You best get to doin' it right.

Kidd, Mad Tom and Former Deputy Pinky rips Dead Eye's chains out of SpongeBuck's clutch.

William: That's it, boys! Bring 'em to the haphazardly constructed makeshift gallows!

Dead Eye: Sheriff, you can't! You can't let them do this! This is a miscarriage of justice if I ever seen one!

The townspeople carry Dead Eye away to the poorly constructed gallows in the center of town. 


Act 2: Ride or Die Idiot Friend

SpongeBuck tries to get Dead Eye back into his custody, but members of the crowd cut him off at every turn. SpongeBuck races back to the jailhouse and unlocks the door to Pecos' cell.

Pecos: Finally learned to live with it, huh? I don't know what everyone else was goin' on about earlier, you seem to be the only dangum person in this town with their head screwed on right. And that includes me!

SpongeBuck: Now's not the time to be an idiot, Pecos! You have to help me bring some order to this town!

Pecos: Say no more, buddy! I will go out there and I will lay your life on the line!

SpongeBuck hands Pecos a second bubble revolver from the office's weapons cabinet.

SpongeBuck: Remember, we're just tryin' to calm things down real peaceful like. So intimidation is key in this scenario.

Pecos: Aye aye, sheriff! I'll make sure the first person I see gets the memo.

SpongeBuck swipes the weapon out of Pecos' hand.

SpongeBuck: On second thought, let's just mosey up on ol' Hopalong. It didn't look like he was apart of that mob.

Pecos: Either that or he wasn't given any lines.

They leave a trail of dust behind them as they hurry out of the sheriff's office. They run through the backs of the many buildings and small business that line up along the main strip of town, covertly navigating around the mob gathered all in the center. They sneak in through the back of the Krusty Kantina, where Hopalong is cleaning out the piano.

SpongeBuck: Hopalong! Boy, am I glad to see you in here and not out there!

Hopalong: And what brings the great Sheriff SquarePants into this dank establishment? Certainly not the service.

SpongeBuck: Hopalong, the town's gone and formed themselves a posse! 

Hopalong: Huh. No wonder it's a lot emptier than what's usual for this time of day.

Pecos: And they're really lookin' to do ol' Dead Eye in!

Hopalong: Well can you blame them? He did ran roughshod over the entire town for Neptune knows how long.

SpongeBuck: But the way they're goin' bout things just ain't right. We never had no proper trial in front of no proper judge, and I'm plenty sure that it's gonna be far from a proper execution. You're one of the most reasonable people in this town. Alongside William and Polene, the people looked to you when things were at their worst here.

Dead Eye's screams from outside began being muffled as William has him tied up and gagged. Hopalong sighs.

Hopalong: What'll you have me do?

SpongeBuck hands him the second revolver.

SpongeBob: We need to retake control, as well as Dead Eye, with as little damage done as possible. Nobody needs to be gettin' hurt out there, neither us or them. Not even Dead Eye. Once we got Plankton secured in a holding cell, I'll send a message on over to the bigger city in hopes that we can get him transferred over thataway, so's the proper authority can deal with him all proper and whatnot.

Hopalong: SpongeBuck, YOU are the proper authority around these parts. YOU should be the one to finish dealing with this.

SpongeBuck: But I can't!

Hopalong: And why not?

SpongeBuck: I just can't! I didn't ask to be given the power to decide who lives and who dies! I only ever came here for the fry cook job! Everything was all fine and dandy back when everyone was havin' fun stompin' the lil fella into the dirt! That wasn't too bad, felt like punishment enough if you ask me! I was expectin' there'd just be more of that!

Hopalong: Alright, look, if you really want my help with this, you best give me your word that you'll get Pigsty Star here to take a bath.

Pecos: No deal!

Hopalong: And not only that, but you will abdicate your duties as sheriff of this town from this day going forward.

Pecos: But this town wouldn't be where it's at now without SpongeBuck on patrol. Bikini Gulch would still very damn well be Dead Eye Gulch!

Hopalong: I ain't gonna act like I know exactly what this town needs, but today finally confirms to me that it does deserve better in the sheriff department. Now, judging from all that commotion going on outside, I reckon you don't have much long to mull over my terms.

SpongeBuck retreats into his mind to think things over as Pecos goes to bat for him. Pecos boldly states his case to Hopalong as SpongeBuck slowly tunes out all background noise.

SpongeBuck: As sheriff of the Bikini Gulch township, Hopalong Tentacles, I give you my word and I accept your terms.

SpongeBuck removes his badge and hands it over to Hopalong.

Pecos: WHAT?!

SpongeBuck: Pecos, you quit bein' selfish and think about the gosh darn soul of your town for goddamn once in your gotdang life!

Pecos: Selfish? You, of all people in this hick town, have the gall to call ME selfish? After I saved your life, brought you back home from the wilderness, motivated you to take a goddamn stand for everybody else?! You wouldn't be sitting pretty in that sheriff's office if it weren't for me! This town would still be under the boot of that tyrant if it weren't for me! You would've just been another statistic in a long list of people who were either killed viciously or worked into the grave by that bastard Dead Eye! The very same Dead Eye that you, for some Neptune forsaken reason, want to save! And then what, further endanger the town?! He could break out at any moment's notice! If he has people on the outside looking in, they would see to that all the more!

SpongeBuck: If he had any people, they certainly would've retaliated by now with all the stompin' goin' as of late!

Pecos: Or they could just be biding their time, waiting for the sheriff who got their man to slip up!

SpongeBuck: Well, then straight up killin' the damn varmint wouldn't exactly bode quite well for us if that were the case now, would it?!

Pecos: Well damned if you do, damned if you don't, I guess! At least that way, we'll ALL be back in the same boat. I may be an idiot, hell, I know I am, but a friend? Well, I'll just let you be the judge of that, lawman.

Pecos goes behind the counter and pours himself a glass of milk, on the rocks.

SpongeBuck: Pecos, you just need to-

Pecos: You just need to leave me to my drink, please! It seems like it's all I really got left.

SpongeBuck: Well let's giddy up then, Hopalong, at least someone in this establishment knows what it means to be a good sidekick. And idiot friend.

SpongeBuck and Hopalong leave Pecos to drown in his sorrows and filth.

Hopalong: ...Come again?

With them gone, Pecos grabs his glass and takes a seat at the piano. The idiot cracks his knuckles before taking a crack at playing "Pine Apple Rag" on it. He soon finds that one of the keys appear to be broken before continuing on with his set.


Act 3: The Hanging of that dirty no good Dead Eye

SpongeBuck and Hopalong exit through the swinging doors of the Kantina, coming upon the crowd gathered around outside for the public execution of Dead Eye Plankton.

William: This has been, as you all know, a long time comin'. The Bikini Gulch Township has officially grown past this mad man. We finally know what it's like to be prosperous again after years of living in fear, of having the threat of death or worse hanging over our heads. After years of sleepless nights, after years of not feeling safe within our own home. Lindsey W. Plankton, the Minuscule Menace, former member of the outlaw gang they call the Golden Saddles. Guilty of murder, robbery, extortion, countless acts of atrocities against lawmen and the citizens they watch over. I say to you today, we will NOT tolerate these intimidation tactics any longer. For laying waste to this good town and the fine people in it, YOU WILL DIE. Personally speaking, I think a hanging is just too good for the likes of you. If I could have my way, I'd feed your sorry hide to a whale whole! But I can't even have that, because you made me lovely daughter cry herself sick, you merciless cur!

Dead Eye looks pretty proud of himself until the panic starts kicking in when Polene brings the noose over his head with glee. A shot is heard sounding off in the crowd, startling many of the spectators. SpongeBuck has his bubble pistol raised high overhead. Kidd, Mad Tom and Former Deputy Pinky each go for their own pistols, but Hopalong sends out another warning directed towards them. He holds them off from retaliating by keeping his pistol stationary at them, but they cautiously keep their fins hovering over their own holsters.

SpongeBuck: As the sheriff of your fine town, I order you all to cease, desist and disperse accordingly! William Krabs, unless you wanna share a cell with your old friend, Lindsey,

Dead Eye stares a hole through SpongeBuck.

SpongeBuck: I suggest that you cooperate and relinquish that dirty no good Plankton into my custody!

William: What do you think you're doin', sheriff? What you're doin' right now could be seen as an obstruction of justice!

SpongeBuck: Last I checked, Mr. Krabs, you made me the law of these here parts, yourself. So what YOU'RE doing right now qualifies more as an obstruction, the way's I see it.

William: Boy, you've done good for this town. A lot of good. More good in your first 20 minutes than any of us did in our entire collective time being here, I'm willin' to admit. We all stood down and did nothin', then we had to grovel and beg the first stranger foolish enough to step foot into our town in years to solve our problem for us. We owe you a great debt, SpongeBuck. And that comin' from me, says a mighty lot about the respect that I do have for ya. Allow us to finally do some good for this town! Afford us the chance to take back everything that he took from us! Give us the closure we need to finally do right by you. 

SpongeBuck: Y'all can do right by me by not givin' into your pride! By not turnin' yourselves into some vigilante lynch mob with no better morals than that barnacle there! Y'all don't want that kind of stain on your souls. You can free yourself from that shadow of your past if you just let him go and hand him over.

Polene: To Davy Jones with him, William! He wouldn't work up the nerve to hurt us if we don't comply, he can't even work up the nerve to execute Dead Eye after everything he did! Just kill the lil bastard and lets finally be done with it!

SpongeBuck: If you do, then you will force my hand and I will take you in Dead Eye's place.

William: Tch. Truss 'em up!

SpongeBuck nervously fixes his sights on William.

SpongeBuck: Goddammit, Krabs! That's enough!

Krabs signals over to Polene.

SpongeBuck: Don't get any closer!

Polene, goes to secure the noose around Dead Eye's head. SpongeBuck pulls back the hammer on his bubble revolver.

SpongeBuck: I'm warnin' you!

SpongeBuck's mind proceeds to go all over the place, eventually taking him back to his final days on the SquarePants homestead. The main household on the property had been set ablaze and bubble shots echoed through the moonlit night. A slightly younger SpongeBuck found himself face to face with a few of his family's attackers. A couple of them were stringing up each arm of a mauve brittle star to the ends of five sea horses. SpongeBuck had a revolver pulled on them, holding the hostiles at gunpoint.

SpongeBuck: I'm a sponge!

SpongeBuck's hesitation allows one of the hostiles to get a shot in on him, piercing his side. SpongeBuck gets dropped to the ground, which is damp with blood. Paying no mind to the damage just inflicted upon him, SpongeBuck looked back up at the hostiles, who called for the seahorses to each make their move. But alas, the noose is far too big and loose for the minuscule menace. 

SpongeBuck: ...Yes!

Dead Eye lets out a sigh of relief. He sways his head back and forth, causing the gag to loosen and fall from his mouth.

Dead Eye: Fools! Each and every goddamn one you! All truly deserving of one another!

SpongeBuck: Now back away from the prisoner real slow-like, ya hear.

William: You just do what you've gotta do, sheriff.

Hopalong: The only one who needs to back away is you.

Hopalong has his bubble revolver aimed right at the back of SpongeBuck's head. Hopalong brings the peoples' attention towards the badge on his chest, the very same one that the town had gifted to SpongeBuck. The very same one that SpongeBuck surrendered over to Hopalong just earlier.

Hopalong: As your newly appointed sheriff, I say that you are all well within your rights to deliver swift justice as you see fit.

SpongeBuck: Hopalong, you can't-

Hopalong pistol whips him, knocking the former sheriff down to the dirt.

Hopalong: Stand down, SquarePants! I told you that Bikini Gulch deserves better after all it's been through. I can't say for certain that I'm exactly what the doctorfish ordered, but I can at least grant the town this opportunity.

SpongeBuck: This isn't what I intended, Hopalong!

Pecos: This is *hic* exactly what you in*burp*tended, SpongeBuck!

Pecos drunkenly makes his was out of the Krusty Kantina, full of milk.

Pecos: I beared witness to the transfer of *hic*power myself! He, what you said, abcrunched the position over to ol' Hopalong *hic*here!

Polene: Well, that settles that then.

Hopalong: Today,

Hopalong pulls out a spool of piano wire out from his pocket.

Hopalong: he hangs.

The crowd erupts in applause as Hopalong passes the wire on from one spectator to the next, until the wire makes its way into the hands of Polene. She examines it closely.

Polene: This'll work real nice.

Polene fashions the piano wire into a mini noose and wraps it as tightly as she can around Dead Eye's scrawny neck.

Dead Eye: You can't do this! Aren't we supposed to be livin' in civilized times?!

Polene: Civilization went out the window the moment you stepped in, you little shit. I can't wait to see whatever life you got left in ya petter out behind that eye of yours. Then, and only then, will you truly live up to that name of yours.

Dead Eye: You'll regret this! I know people! Plenty of 'em! Enough to outnumber this entire town tenfold!

William: If you had those kinds of connections, surely they'd have act by now. You're more alone now than you ever were, Lindsey. It embarrasses me to think that we ever feared the likes of you. 

Dead Eye: Come on, Krabs! You love money, don't ya?! I gots money! Lots of it! And it can all be yours! I've even tinkered with a lil somethin'-somethin' that can fatten pockets more than you could ever imagine! Hear me out! Please!

William: PULL IT.

Dead Eye: NO-

Polene pulls the lever, dropping the floor beneath Dead Eye and causing the piano wire to fasten tightly around his throat. Dead Eye gags and gasps for dear life as he dangles helpless high above the ground due to his size. His eye begins to bug out, damn mear popping out of its socket. Blood vessels in his eye begin to burst, slowly turning bright red and then a deeper shade of crimson. Pink foam exits his mouth as the piano wire cinches deeper into the skin of his neck, the red stuff starting to seep out from where the wire is digging in. Another pop goes off and the piano wire suddenly snaps, dropping Dead Eye down to the ground below, right before he would have lost consciousness. Smoke exits the barrel of SpongeBuck's revolver, having made quite the difficult shot from his uncomfortable position on the ground.

Hopalong kicks the revolver out of SpongeBuck's grasp and restrains him. William and Polene jump down from the gallows to inspect Dead Eye.

William: Grrr, the hangin' didn't kill him...

SpongeBuck appears pleased with himself, having just managed to spare Dead Eye from a cruel death.

William: But that fall sure did.

And just like that, SpongeBuck could feel his heart sinking in his chest.

William: A fall from that height must've been like a 30 story drop to him. Not exactly as ideal as I imagined, but nevertheless, the deed is done. As you were.

Polene: That son of a- bring him here! I'll make sure it goes down right this time!

William clamps Polene by her arm, holding her back.

Polene: Let me go! He took our moment away from us! He-

William: As you were, Mrs. Puff!

William pushes her back a few steps, taking a few moments to stave her off of SpongeBuck a bit longer. She eventually directs her anger back towards Dead Eye, stomping his corpse before covering it with a glob of spiteful spit.

The crowd finally disperses, allowing SpongeBuck to get a much better look at Dead Eye's dead body, mangled and laying in a pool of his own viscous fluid and Polene's spit. Hopalong picks an unresponsive SpongeBuck back up to his feet and escorts him to the jailhouse, where a cell awaits and surely with his name on it. Krabs takes a moment to reprimand Pecos for his disorderly conduct.

William: Get this goddamn bottom feeder out of here! It's only right that those two idiot friends share a cell together.


image.jpg

William, Kidd and Former Deputy Pinky are seen at the entrance of town, currently in the process of of suspending Dead Eye Plankton's body from the newly constructed town sign.

William: Careful, boys, easy does it. I don't think it'll still be in one piece after another fall like that last one.

Kidd and Pinky manage to keep it hanging without a hitch.

William: Good work, lads! This oughta send a clear message to any new arrivals that Bikini Gulch is a town to be reckoned with! 

A tough-looking rough and tumbler crosses the train tracks and approaches the entrances, failing to even notice the microscopic dead body hanging over them.

William: Howdy, pard! This town sure doesn't seem like the kinda place to be causin' any trouble in, huh?

Rough and Tumbler: I sure hope it is.

William: Of course it is! 

Rough and Tumbler: Well, all right then. It looks a little too out in the open and vulnerable, is all. Just feels like any outlaw with a shred of notoriety can mosey on in at a moment's notice and completely take the place over solo without so much as a scuffle.

William: We were the ones that hanged that dirty, no good Dead Eye Plankton, don't ya know?!

Rough and Tumbler: Who??

The rough and tumbler just looks at them, genuinely puzzled, before continuing on his way.

Kidd & Former Deputy Pinky: ...

William: Just throw out that trash! It's startin' to give me a rash.

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