Brand Spanking New! Post Fiction

[Old Man Jenkins]

Imposter SOF; Casual poster, Loyal Customer...Impostor? Mysteriously being placed in the heart of The Community, now the intellectual property recently acquired by an evil media conglomerate, he has been revived in order to do the bidding of his new Disney overlords. His mission: put an immediate end to an illegal copyright infringement operation and bag a nematode. With renewed purpose in life and with the sole intent to bang everything he sees, he will equip himself with me Mallet of Doom™™ and monopolize the world as only Disney can in a world where you don't know who's real and who's fake. Will Imposter SOF live to survive another reboot? Find out, now.

Episode I. Acquired by Disney! Acquired by God!!

We open up to Mickey the Mouse in his makeshift SBC-based Disney HQ, having it literally built over The Krabby Kronicle. He is currently in the middle of signing off on some new creative changes for The Community as a whole.

Mickey: And with this latest revision to The Official SBC Guidebook, LMFAO is hereby officially disbanded and shall never be referred to ever again.

Jjs: Excellent change, sir, I never would've allowed that to be ratified, myself.

Mickey: We must upkeep our family friendly image, jjs, all while leaving just enough wiggle room to let just enough to slip through the cracks.

Jjs: And just what might that be, Mick?

Imposter SOF bangs down the doors to Mickey the Mouse's office.

Imposter SOF: BLAH, BLAH, BLAH!??!!!?!??!!!

Jjs: *facepalm* oh god, not another one...

Mickey: Contrary to popular belief, I didn't absorb The SpongeBob Community into my entire being all just to acquire the ZaidCatDog back catalog. I also desired the complete, uncontested rights to the impostor who you all seem to have settled on being a SpongeOddFan parody.

Jjs: What could you possibly do with the product of a senile old man with nothing better to do with his time during the summer of 2011?

Mickey: Tie up some loose ends, THAT'S what I can do. Have you already forgotten, my subordinate? Disney has to upkeep its family friendly image. Contract killing will see us towing that fine, thin line. So let's just take the contract negotiations off the table and tear the contract up entirely! 

Imposter SOF: WHAT'S YER OFFER?!?!!?!??!!???

Mickey: He wants something to bang

Jjs: ...then you'll give him something to bang.

Mickey: Gosh, you're catching on faster than I thought, jjs!

Riffing Theater jjs: Um, that's still an agreement being made between two parties to have someone killed. But please, do continue (April Fools).

Jjs: Just who, might I ask, do you want to possibly see get banged?

Mickey: Surely you're familiar with the shit stain known as rugrats1?

Jjs: We all certainly know of his "work".

Mickey: The fucker has the testicular fortitude to threaten me, of all mice and men, with a lawsuit! He claims that we here at the House of Mouse plagiarized HIS work, infringed on his copyrights!

Jjs: I'd figure that'd be the other way around?

Mickey: It would be! If we had a strong argument...

Jjs: A-A-Are you telling me that Disney plagiarized The Anytown Show?!

Mickey: Hey, I had a vision for it that he sorely lacked! And besides, it's not like I was the only one! The hands of Nick and CN are just as red in all of this!

Jjs slumps back in disbelief.

Jjs: I don't believe this.

Mickey: This case could ruin us all, but most importantly, it could ruin me. If saving my own skin means that I also have to save theirs, well, it's a risk I just gotta be willing to take. Go, Imposter SOF! Bang rugrats1! Bang him even if you have to bang all of Anytown! Your purpose has been given!

Imposter SOF: BRING MILK FOR ME LAWYER!!?!!?!!!?

Imposter SOF flies out, banging a hole through the ceiling with me mallet as he does.

Mickey: Oh, that sounds like a good idea! Jjs, bring milk to our legal team, stat!

Jjs proceeds to pirate Disney+ content like a pro.

Episode II. FUCK! DISNEY!!

Imposter SOF has made his way to the Dreamworks Animation News and Discussion Thread thread, where Anytown is rumored to now be based out of. Imposter SOF manages to break through the lock that locked the thread shut with ease by banging it repeatedly with me mallet.

Imposter SOF: NO SOLICITORS!??!?!!!!??

A sundry of badly drawn cartoon characters swarm around Imposter SOF like bees defending their hive. But one by one, they each get banged into oblivion with each swing of Imposter SOF's Mallet of Doom™™. 

Imposter SOF: ESPECIALLY AT THIS HOUR!!!??!??????!!???!!?!?!?

Imposter SOF works his way through the entire Dreamworks discussion before finally reaching the queen of this particular hive.

Imposter SOF: WHO U?!!?!!? U ELASTIC!!??!?!?????!!?!????!!!!!

Man Cartman: Recess and Kim Possible are officially being revived in 2017. Set to happen in Anytown any day now.

Imposter SOF moves in to bang Helga Pataki, but he's blocked by the sudden interruption of SBC's resident anti-Disney movement, "FUCK DISNEY", led by the charismatic, enigmatic Danny DeVito. And President Squidward. 

Danny DeVito: Let this man alone! 

Prez: Fuck Donald! Fuck Goofy! Fuck Mickey! And MOTHERFUCK DISNEY! I hereby grant you, rugrats1, sanctuary within the President Squidward Cytube!

The FUCK DISNEY activists charge at Imposter SOF with ill intent, but they all end up getting banged up for their troubles. Imposter SOF then shifts his attention towards Prez, and charges at him now, mallet flailing. 

Imposter SOF: OOGA BOOGA BOOGA!!??!?!!?!!!??

With no other choice, Prez exercises a tried and true tactic of old.

Prez: beautiful (author's note: so, went back to read this over and apparently "K-Y-S" gets filtered out to be "beautiful" now. Was gonna change it, but I thought it looked funny enough so I've decided to leave it in there while providing some context instead)

Imposter SOF is stopped in his tracks by an unseen force. He raises me mallet above his head, staring at it intently. He then proceeds to bring it down on his own head, banging himself profusely with his own weapon.

Prez: We're done here.

Prez personally grants rugrats1 asylum in his personal Cytube channel, opening a link through which they will escape through and do Mickey knows what afterwards. Prez flips Imposter SOF off, symbolically also giving the finger to their Disney overlords.

Prez: FUCK DISNEY!

Imposter SOF bangs every ounce of life out of his own being, finally going limp after one last blow to the cranium, cracking his skull into pieces upon impact. Everything goes white suddenly. Before Imposter SOF could embrace the cold embrace of death, he is given a couple of options; "I won't give up!" and "It's all over..." Not wanting yet another failed reboot on his résumé, Imposter SOF chooses not to give up!

Mickey the Mouse leaps onto the scene Yoda-style, summoning forth his key blade upon sticking the landing.

Danny DeVito: I've got some cheese for you, rat bastard! Right hea!

Mickey fights both DeVito and Prez off simultaneously, all while charging his D-Charge. After charging up more than enough, Mickey puts his plan to revive Imposter SOF once again into action.

Mickey: C'mon, Imposter SOF, you've gotta wake up!

Mickey casts Healing Light on Imposter SOF, bringing the impostor back from the brink of death. With his work done, Mickey the Mouse de-spawns and leaves Imposter SOF to do the honors. Imposter SOF bangs the link to Prez's Cytube completely shut, causing it to cave in right on top of rugrats1! Danny DeVito and Prez take a brief moment to mourn their fallen comrade, but Imposter SOF takes that brief moment to bang them both mercilessly. Prez uses what could his final breath to utter one last beautiful, but Imposter SOF throws on the mouse ears that his overlords gave him, rendering Prez's words moot. With one last mighty swing of me mallet, Prez finds himself banged to death. Danny DeVito still has a bit of life left in him. Just enough life left to say

Danny DeVito: Never...trust...a mouse...

Danny DeVito fades away from this world, and into the next. Mickey the Mouse shows back up, applauding Imposter SOF for his efforts.

Mickey: Haha! Gosh, your skills are extra-ordinary! If I do say so, myself!

Mickey empties out an entire beaker, dousing Imposter SOF in the face with a mixture highly volatile chemicals. It was at this moment that Imposter SOF realized that it was in fact Chemist Mickey, who was just Steel after having sold his soul over to Disney. And it was also at this moment that Danny DeVito's last words really began to ring true.

Imposter SOF: NEVER TRUST A MOUSE!!?!!!?!?!!?!!!!?

Chemist Mickey contacts Mickey the Mouse through a private message. 

Chemist Mickey: He did exactly what I told you he'd do. The FUCK DISNEY movement is dead. And now, so is the impostor. Yes, Master Mickey. Thank you, sir. I most certainly will.

Chemist Mickey turns off communications and leans in closer to the impostor.

Chemist Mickey: You have served your purpose, and Disney, well. Unfortunately, we have no use for such an out of date property anymore. Nothing personal. It's just...business.

Episode III. Abandoned by Disney! Abandoned by God!!

Chemist Mickey: Nothing personal. It's just...business.

Chemist Mickey looks to inject Imposter SOF with a lethal dose of poison. However, fighting through the pain of Chemist Mickey's previous attack, Imposter SOF leaps up and grabs the brilliant chemist, wrapping his body with his own.

Imposter SOF: ANANACONDA SQUEEEEEEEEEEZE!!?!?!???!!!!!?!?!!

Chemist Mickey desperately tries to apply the needle to any part of the imposter's body, but finds himself quickly blacking out from the force of Imposter SOF's death lock. Chemist Mickey grows weak enough for Imposter SOF to wrestle the syringe out of his grip and firmly grasps it. With the syringe of lethal poison in hand, Imposter SOF lunges at Chemist Mickey with it, punching a hole clean through Chemist Mickey's torso. Chemist Mickey drops dead, his body wrapped around Imposter SOF's upper arm. The impostor drops the still filled syringe and pushes Chemist Mickey's body off of him. Imposter SOF knows where he must go next.

After stopping by Cha's ask thread to bang her with me mallet, he immediately heads over to the Krusty Tower's Check-In.

Krusty Tower Receptionist: Checking in?

Imposter SOF thought, and he said

Imposter SOF: No...

Imposter SOF bangs the receptionist with me mallet.

Imposter SOF: RENEW???!!!!??!?!!!??!?!?

Imposter SOF gradually  makes his way up the Krusty Tower, floor by floor, banging any and all opposition on sight. His first challenge eventually comes in the form of an old Jedi master.

Yoda: Far, you have come, young padawan. End here, your journey shall.

Yoda brandishes his light saber, prepared to butcher Imposter SOF like how I butchered his line of dialogue. Imposter SOF sees his lightsaber and raises him a Mallet of Doom™™.

Imposter SOF: ANY, WE DON'T WANT!!??!?!?!!?!!?!!?!?!

They clash weapons, the Mallet of Doom™™ matching Yoda's lightsaber blow for blow. Their duel of the fates reaches its satisfying conclusion by the second "Rah-tah-mah" when Imposter SOF bangs jedi master Yoda with me mallet.

From there, Imposter SOF makes his way up a couple dozen more floors before reaching the second definitive roadblock in his path.

Thanos: You could not live with your own failure. Where did that bring you? Back to me.

Imposter SOF: LOUSY TELEMARKETERS!!??!!?!???

Thanos goes to end things quickly in a snap, but Imposter SOF throws me mallet at Thanos' jerk off hand with all me might before he could finish. Imposter SOF then goes for the head by banging the inside of Thanos' ass cheeks with me mallet while The Mad Titan was busy dealing with the resulting carpal tunnel.

Imposter SOF is officially in the endgame now. After making his way up about a hundred more floors, he encounters his greatest challenge yet...himself.

SOF: I always wanted Disney forum!

SOF pulls out a magic wand, but its a ruse, designed to distract Imposter SOF from falling victim to an RKO out of nowhere! SOF readies to deal the final blow, but Imposter SOF sees this RKO coming this time, and uses SOF's hubris to bang him with me mallet.

With the dream match at an end and SOF out of commission, all that's left is the final floor, where Mickey the Mouse's office lies. Imposter SOF storms in, banging the door down once again.

Imposter SOF: STUPID MOUSE!!??!!? YOU MAKE ME LOOK BAD!!???????

Mickey stops banging Minnie for a second and slips his gloves back on his hands.

Mickey: Gosh, not as bad as you made me look just now! Haha!

Mickey summons forth his keyblade, ready to commence the final battle. Their weapons clash even more furiously than the battle with Yoda.

Mickey: Ultima!

Imposter SOF: STOPZA!!??!?!!!!???!!!!!?????!!!!!!?????

Their spells clash now, both neck and neck in terms of power. Their clash ends in an explosion, sending both members flying. Imposter SOF slowly comes to terms that even the might of me Mallet of Doom™™ may not to overcome the overwhelming power and influence of Disney. Imposter SOF resorts to using cancel culture to cut Mickey off from his vast reserves of money and power. With Mickey and his friends now outed as racists to the entire world, this turn of events leaves him vulnerable enough for one more emphatic banging courtesy of Imposter SOF and me mallet.

With the House of Mouse in ruins and The Community free from Disney's control, Imposter SOF retreats back to the confines of OMJ's cbox from whence he came. Realizing that no future banging could be able to top banging the entire Walt Disney Company, Imposter SOF hangs up me Mallet of Doom™ and retires to a life of mediocrity and crossword puzzles. Waiting for the day when banging might have some meaning again.