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How are you feeling? (Emotionally)


Karen

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i am feeling very sad

i grew up with an abusive dad and i am having one of those nights where i can't stop thinking about it. he was abusive in every way possible, including sexually. i remember being very scared when i was little. i remember how no one in my family did anything to get me out of that situation. my mom's boyfriend isn't abusive, but he hates me and thinks i'm retarded ( i am autistic and i do not like being called that ) and he sees me as competition for my mom's attention which is so petty. i did have a father figure, but he started ghosting me when i tried to get in touch with him after a year, i guess that is over. i do not usually care that much, but tonight is just one of those nights and i am by myself until sunday and i just needed to get this off my chest.

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I think its one of the most humiliating, embarrassing, and sad things ever when you realize you weren't as important or mattered as much to someone as you originally thought. I couldn't imagine pretending to like someone for your own selfish reasons or gain. Two years absolutely wasted on someone who I thought liked me a lot. He said he just needed time to figure his own shit out and didn't want a relationship but that we can still hang out and asked me to "be patient" so that eventually things will blossom into a relationship. So much for all that, so much for "being patient". I should've left the minute he said that.What a fucking joke, I was so fucking blind. I was ALWAYS there for him. It's been 3 months since a bomb was dropped on me (wont go into detail on what he did) and I'm doing good....but sometimes it's hard to forgive yourself. I'm just having a little bit of a hard time forgiving myself for letting all this shit slide for so long.  But at least I can say that I had pure intentions the whole time. I can sleep good at night knowing that. Good luck finding a girl as amazing as me, asshole. Oh well...I was too hot for him anyways.

 

Had to rant.

Edited by Sauce Mama
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For the first time in a long time, somebody great seems to be interested in me for me and of course my self-sabotaging, Charlie Brown ass mind can’t fathom that and constantly thinks that she deserves better than a piece of nothing like me. I did some subconscious pushing away her away/putting distance between us because I’m a dipshit who doesn’t deserve happiness and I feel like dirt.

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I'm a little emotional today, but I usually am around the holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. Those two holidays are overwhelming for me. They also make me think about the future and what am I going to do when I get much older and if I have no family around? I'm only 23, but the holidays make me think about that stuff too hard, and I get anxious about my birthday too. I've had people who I thought cared about me treat me like dirt on my birthday. I've even had family forget about my birthday even though it's not that hard to remember, considering it's Christmas eve. And I'm not talking about out of town family, I'm talking about family that I was living with at the time. I think I'm just anxious about my birthday this year because of my birthday last year, where I cried like three times. 

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On 12/26/2010 at 11:13 PM, Karen said:

Just tell us how you're feeling and why.

 

Meh.. I feel bored. I didn't really do anything today except stay home.

Well, why not do fun things, or just hang with your husband Plankton?

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I'm mentally and emotionally tired af. I'm tired of people not coming through when I need them too. I'm tired of being unimportant and worthless. Im tired of believing that people care about me and me believing that they love me when they don't. I'm tired of being nothing to anybody. I'm tired of being so depressed that I can't breathe and my head hurts. I'm tired. 

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