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How are you feeling? (Emotionally)


Karen

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i am feeling very sad

i grew up with an abusive dad and i am having one of those nights where i can't stop thinking about it. he was abusive in every way possible, including sexually. i remember being very scared when i was little. i remember how no one in my family did anything to get me out of that situation. my mom's boyfriend isn't abusive, but he hates me and thinks i'm retarded ( i am autistic and i do not like being called that ) and he sees me as competition for my mom's attention which is so petty. i did have a father figure, but he started ghosting me when i tried to get in touch with him after a year, i guess that is over. i do not usually care that much, but tonight is just one of those nights and i am by myself until sunday and i just needed to get this off my chest.

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I think its one of the most humiliating, embarrassing, and sad things ever when you realize you weren't as important or mattered as much to someone as you originally thought. I couldn't imagine pretending to like someone for your own selfish reasons or gain. Two years absolutely wasted on someone who I thought liked me a lot. He said he just needed time to figure his own shit out and didn't want a relationship but that we can still hang out and asked me to "be patient" so that eventually things will blossom into a relationship. So much for all that, so much for "being patient". I should've left the minute he said that.What a fucking joke, I was so fucking blind. I was ALWAYS there for him. It's been 3 months since a bomb was dropped on me (wont go into detail on what he did) and I'm doing good....but sometimes it's hard to forgive yourself. I'm just having a little bit of a hard time forgiving myself for letting all this shit slide for so long.  But at least I can say that I had pure intentions the whole time. I can sleep good at night knowing that. Good luck finding a girl as amazing as me, asshole. Oh well...I was too hot for him anyways.

 

Had to rant.

Edited by Sauce Mama
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Just found out one of my best friends moved to the mainland and it has me pretty bummed out. Couldn't really be helped since the move came pretty suddenly for him apparently, and getting together wouldn't've been wise with the current situation going on. Still sucks tho, mang.

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For the first time in a long time, somebody great seems to be interested in me for me and of course my self-sabotaging, Charlie Brown ass mind can’t fathom that and constantly thinks that she deserves better than a piece of nothing like me. I did some subconscious pushing away her away/putting distance between us because I’m a dipshit who doesn’t deserve happiness and I feel like dirt.

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I'm a little emotional today, but I usually am around the holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas. Those two holidays are overwhelming for me. They also make me think about the future and what am I going to do when I get much older and if I have no family around? I'm only 23, but the holidays make me think about that stuff too hard, and I get anxious about my birthday too. I've had people who I thought cared about me treat me like dirt on my birthday. I've even had family forget about my birthday even though it's not that hard to remember, considering it's Christmas eve. And I'm not talking about out of town family, I'm talking about family that I was living with at the time. I think I'm just anxious about my birthday this year because of my birthday last year, where I cried like three times. 

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On 12/26/2010 at 11:13 PM, Karen said:

Just tell us how you're feeling and why.

 

Meh.. I feel bored. I didn't really do anything today except stay home.

Well, why not do fun things, or just hang with your husband Plankton?

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I'm mentally and emotionally tired af. I'm tired of people not coming through when I need them too. I'm tired of being unimportant and worthless. Im tired of believing that people care about me and me believing that they love me when they don't. I'm tired of being nothing to anybody. I'm tired of being so depressed that I can't breathe and my head hurts. I'm tired. 

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I don't mean to double post, but I've noticed that everytime I post here its negative, so I actually have something positive. Ever since I graduated high school I had become very depressed and isolated. In October of 2023, I decided that I was going to go back to a "social group" that I somewhat belonged to in high school. I made the goal to go back in January 2024. I've been going since then, and I honestly can say that I've never been happier. I honestly don't think I even suffer from anxiety and depression anymore. I know that's probably hard to believe since it's only been three months, but these people have been and are some of the most welcoming and inviting people in my life. I actually have friends now and it's the weirdest feeling because I've only ever had online friends with the exception of maybe three in real life friends from a really long time ago that I don't really speak with much. Of course, my mind does make me feel like I don't belong sometimes, but I know that that's not true. I could go into more detail with this post, but the reason why I won't is because it's a religious social group and I don't want to seem like I'm forcing anything on you guys, because I definitely don't want to do that.

I'll also post here that I'm recovering from my eating disorder and I have lost a lot of weight, which is good because I had binge eating disorder. As far as the post I made in the other topic about possible pancreatitis, they're going to do something on me where they have to put me to sleep and yeah, I'm nervous because I've never had something like that done before, but I know I'll be alright.

Basically, I'm doing extremely great, both emotionally and (hopefully) physically.

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Posted (edited)

Not great. Thinking about the future is what keeps me going. But the future I envision (which is not even unrealistic - all I really want is a job, an apartment, and mental/spiritual peace) feels like fiction, and there's no guarantee of it even happening. Not to scare anyone, but I've known people who've spent DECADES living hard lives, and I'm scared of ending up like them. Maybe I have it better than a lot of other people who've had worse trauma than me or are homeless, but I'm miserable, and I want to be free.

Edited by SneakyMcSneakyPants
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Posted (edited)

I was mad and frustrated but doing a little better now. I got a tornado (or really strong storm - it kinda doesn’t matter tbh) that caused a 25 hour power outage that ruined all our refrigerated and frozen food, and I had to throw everything out and clean a bunch of melting stuff from the fridge and freezer defrosting. I didn’t have any consistent internet until about an hour and a half ago. The whole day was ruined dealing with the aftermath of the tornado. I hope tomorrow (technically today but whatever) is better.

Edited by SneakyMcSneakyPants
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