Dman Talks About Stuff: The Show

[dmandagiraffe]

Consider this a revival of that thing I made on SBM quite some time ago. This time it’s just my words. Prepare to take a trip into dee-mind of dee-man.

Or not.

 

Coming to SBC sometime after November 29, 2006.

[WinterArcanine]

Hope it comes out by 2012

[Salmon]

ive been waiting 12 years what the fuck

[dmandagiraffe]

S1E1: “First Stuff”

 

Dman: Welcome to the first episode of “Dman Talks About Stuff: The Show”, or “DTAS:TS” for short. I am Dman, your host and also man. My brother has forced me to let him in as well.

Pman: i love my brother btw

Dman: People say that the hardest part of a journey is the first steps. Or maybe they don’t say that and my mind is fabricating memories again. Even though a thread on a SpongeBob forum can barely be considered a “journey”, I can’t think of a better phrase for comparison so well just have to do with that. Now, let me tell you about the first time I got injured. 

Pman: oh god

Dman: It was back in the year 2001 and my brother—

Pman: dman you’re already boring us

Dman: Hush, brother. You know this story involves you. Anyway, my brother dropped some trains on my forehead when I was a meek little—

Pman: stop

Dman: —no—when I was a meek little infant of age 1 month. 

Pman: i’m going to crush your head with my legs again

Dman: Would you like to exit the premises of my room?

Pman: i would like you to suffer

Dman: I wouldn’t mind that actually.

Pman: …

Dman: If you can’t tell, my brother’s statement at the beginning was a complete lie.

Pman: will you just shut up already

*Dman blows a whistle and a herd of muscular squirrels carry Pman out of the room*

Pman: hell no i am not being dragged out by the spawns of satan today

Dman: Too late.

*door slam*

Dman: Now that that’s over with, the first time I ever tried ice cream is when I was 4. I am the first person in my family tree to have a scar on my left knee. The word “first” ends with -st despite the most common ordinal suffix being -th. My brother is the first of two siblings my parents have. The first time I commented “first!” on YouTube was on a video with no comments. The opposite of first is last. I was the first person to—

*crash*

Pman: this needs to stop

Dman: Why?

Pman: this is complete torture

Dman: *blows whistle again*

Pman: l o r d p l e a s e n o

Dman: Looks like I’m going to have to cut the first episode early. I will never let Pman in my room while I’m hosting again. This is Dman signing out, and don’t forget to try to have a fun out of everyday. (fml this show was a huge mistake)

 

-t-h-e—e-n-d-

[dmandagiraffe]

S1E2: “Rainy Stuff”

 

Dman: AAAAND welcome back to DTAS:TS, now going under the unofficial name of “The Dmanda Show”. After the incident last episode, I have been trying to find a new co-commentator. Unfortunately, no one I asked has gotten back to me, but I need this because we all know how not fun it is too read overly long paragraph stretches on a SpongeBob forum. So I’ve ultimately put myself to the job. I introduce, Dman!

Dman: Hello, good fellows! Have a fun!

Dman: You don’t say that until the end.

Dman: Oh, yeah.

Dman: So, uh… today’s topic is the weather, specifically rain! I’m pretty sure you have something to say about that, boi!

Dman: I am a man now. You are too.

Dman: Sorry, I forgot.

Dman: It’s fine. Anyhow, I usually hate the rain. My umbrella’s been broken for the last year and I still haven’t convinced my parents to buy me a replacement.

Dman: Ah, I understand fully.

Dman: But now that’s it’s spring, my seasonal allergies have returned. Pollen is in the air and I want rain to wash it out more than ever, but what do I get? NOT A DROP!

Dman: Wow, I feel exactly the same way about the pollen situation as you do! Some coincidence.

Dman: Yeah, it’s almost as if we’re the exact same person!

Dman: …

Dman: …

Dman: So… moving on. What’s the worst storm you’ve ever been in?

Dman: Ah, a good question. Back in 2011 I went to this campground in Tennessee, and one night we had to stay in our car for 3 hours while the rainwater flooded around us. It was loud, sleep-preventing, and unstoppable. Until it stopped.

Dman: That’s the worst? 

Dman: Either that or the tornado which destroyed homes 10 miles below my hometown.
Dman: Ah, yes. Moment of silence for those lost on March 3, 2019?

Dman: Yeah, moment of silence.

(15 seconds of silence. The only audible noise is faint banging from a door on a different story of the house.)

Dman: That was nice.

Dman: Yeah. That being said, the storm didn’t affect us all that much, but the power did go out more than a few times and the windows were constantly shaking.

Dman: I still wish you and your family the best, Dman. Even Pman.

Dman: uuughghhghhgh

Dman: Thus concludes today’s episode of DTAS:TS. You can leave now, Dman.

Dman: I can’t.

Dman: Why not?

Dman: As long as you’re still here, I’m still here too.

Dman: …

Dman: …

Dman: …

Dman: …

(Dman and himself got into a spiral of awkward silence for the next 4 days. Stay tuned.)

 

-t-h-e—e-n-d-

[dmandagiraffe]

S1E3: “Future Stuff”

 

Dman: ...

Dman: ...

Dman: ...wait a minute. *checks the calendar* Wow, we've been at this awkward silence thing for nearly 3 months now!

Dman: ...

Dman: Still at it, huh? That's a shame. I thought if I broke the silence, you would follow su-- wait-- just how did I know today was today? I haven't reshuffled my calendar cube since March. Neither of us have moved an inch from our seats. We should both be dead from dehydration for all I know.

Dman: We don't need water, we run on an HP power cord.

Dman: And why is that the first thing you decided to say after all this time?

Dman: Because it's the truth.

Dman: ...ok then. Anyway, today we are going to be discussing what'll happen tomorrow!

Dman: My regularly scheduled workout?

Dman: No, it's an expression. I was referring to general events of the future.

Dman: Oh, ok. Well, I don't know what's gonna happen in a year! I don't have 2020 vision!

Dman: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

you stole that joke, didn't you?

Dman: Yes.

Dman: Well, at least you were honest. So, I heard that you're going to be heading to college soon!

Dman: Yeah... it's true.

Dman: Why so unenthusiastic?

Dman: I don't know. I'm not sure how hard it'll be to get used to, whether it'll be interesting or not, or how quickly it's gonna come. I've just got to live it up in the moment while I can. You get me?

Dman: Yeah, Dman... I do.

Dman: Did you know that we'll be able to call 2/22/22 TWOSday because it'll be a Tuesday?

Dman: I did know that.

Dman: How come?

Dman: I'm you, remember?

Dman: ...

Dman: Stop. We're not doing this again.

Dman: oof

Dman: Well, I guess that's all for today's show. I don't know, do you have anything else to say?

Dman: Have a fun in the present!

Dman: That's some comforting words right there.

 

-t-h-e—e-n-d-

[dmandagiraffe]

S1E4: “Hilarious Stuff”

 

Dman: Yoyoyo, it's the DMANDA SHOOOWOOWOWOW. I'm your regular host, Dman.

Dman: I, Dman, am still here as well.

Dman: So, Dman, what do you call a dog with no legs?

Dman: A tortured soul?

Dman: Good guess, but not what I was looking for. In reality, it doesn't matter what you call him, HE AIN'T COMING! HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Dman: OK, last episode I got called out by you for being a joke stealer; you want to be a hypocrite?

Dman: First is the worst.

Dman: Now see, that wasn't even funny. Do you see me laughing? No. Is the audience laughing? No. The audience is basically nonexistent. That just shows how much your sense of humor sucks. In fact, I'm just going to spend the rest of this episode criticizing everything I can about you and your show. There's basically no plot structure, the first thing that pops in your head is what you type, and character personalities are constantly changing. Hell, I'm breaking character right now. Oh yeah, and this very paragraph that you're typing? It isn't anywhere close to original or clever. Fourth wall breaks that make fun of their own show has been done to death.

Dman: ...has it now?

Dman: Shut up, I'm not done. There's another problem right there, you insert tiny little paragraphs just to break up monotony and stretch your already short-as-is episodes tads longer. No one is fooled, Dman. There's also the fact that you had the gall to list season and episode numbers this whole time as if you had the capability to stretch this show out for longer than one season. You can look around in the Spin-Offs and Literature section yourself just to see the creative writings of people that aren't you. Maybe you'll be inspired yourself, despite the fact that the creative portion of your mind is completely nonexistent.

Dman: ...

Dman: And that's why I'm leaving the show. I'd rather get beaten to death by the squirrels downstairs rather than sit through more of this shullbit. *walks away*

Dman: ...

(A door is opened on the lower floor. Echoing footsteps are heard followed by a door slam. Dman sits in complete silence.)

Dman: I'm... alone.

 

 

Forever.

F o r e v e r .

F   o   r   e   v   e   r   .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

F       O       R       E       V       E       R       .

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So stay tuned for the next episode of DTAS:TS, where I attempt to figure out a way out of this mess I got myself into! Have a crippling loneliness!

 

-t-h-e—e-n-d-