Bikini Bottom Nature Watch

[OWM]

now presenting my first ever spinoff

G'day folks, and welcome to the first episode of Bikini Bottom Nature Watch. My name is Dastardly Dan Damselfish, and I'm a state-of-the-art explorer. I've traveled all across the ocean to show you some of the wildest, meanest and nastiest creatures all across the seven seas. For our first time together, I've found one of our most peculiar specimens: the starfish.

 

If you ask me, there's nothing on this planet more dangerous than a starfish. Those big lumbering arms and that striking pink color. I've even heard they can grow back their own limbs!

 

Have a gander at this big beauty. I'd say he weighs about a thousand tons from my best guess. If he were to wake up, he'd lunge right at me with all his might. I bet h-

 

Huh? Who's there?

Crikey! I've been discovered!

 

Who are you? What's this camera doing here?

 

Mate, mate what are you doing? You're ruining the show!

 

Show? I'm on TV!?

 

Yeah, but could you no-

 

HI MOMMY, HI DADDY, HI SPONGEBOB, HI SQUIDWARD, HI S-

 

Give me that camera back!

Hey!

 

As you can clearly see, he's clearly one of the most dangerous of his kind. It looks like I'll have to take some.. defensive measures.

 

*gasp* Is that spray cheese?

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

Phew. That was a close one. I hope I never run into such a dangerous beast ever again. Be sure to tune in on the next episode of Bikini Bottom Nature Watch.

 

Ow, ow my eyes! Ow! This is some weird tasting spray cheese!

[Cha]

hope he covers the rare jackie chan fish and dastardly dan damselfish appears on squid chat

[President Squidward]

Can't wait to hear what happens when you explore the octopus 

[MMM]

Thank you. I learned a lot.

[OWM]

Episode 2 - The Squid

Welcome back to another episode of Bikini Bottom Nature Watch. This time I'll be studying one of the most snooty creatures in the sea: the squid.

I know a lot about squids. They’re one of the most snobby, uptight and stuffy creatures I’ve ever met. They’d never talk to someone who wasn’t of their own kind. Which is why for this episode, I’ve recruited my cameraman Squidmando to do some scouting work.

Thanks, Dan. I’m here at the scene with this squid in question, watering what looks to be a dying kelp garden.

Huh? Who are you and what are you doing on my property?

This is for a show, you dolt! And what are you doing to that poor kelp garden?

I’ll have you know I’m using organic fertilizer! Tell that to your mouthbreathing TV audience, bottomfeeder!

Why you’re nothing but a lousy-

Whoa, whoa you two! Calm down! (Remind me to never have two squids together again.) I'll handle this.

Fine. It looks like I’ll have to culture you in some of my greatest works. You and your friend certainly wouldn't be interested in my dying kelp garden.

Oh boy.

dan's supposed to be the orange fish in the hat ok

And to your right, you’ll see Self Portrait #82, chronicling my epic struggle against SpongeBob. Now, care for a clarinet sonata?

I think I’ve had enou-

GAAAH! I can’t take it anymore!

*gasp* My clarinet!

Your clarinet is a travesty to music, mate! I’m outta here!

GRRRR-

Well, that’s it for this episode. I’m going to go burn what's left of this instrument so that no man hears it ever again. It’s for the best. Moral of the story is, never make friends with any squids.

Hey!

[OWM]

preview for episode 3

[OWM]

Episode 3 - The Single-Celled Organism

Hello again. I hope you haven't got too comfy during our little break. This time I’ll have to do some extra careful scouting, because today’s creature’s microscopic!

Plankton are tiny and pathetic creatures, but the one I’ll be looking for today is planning on world domination!

Wait. Where is he?

Oh right. There he is!

Can I help you?

Gotcha! Now let’s get this specimen under a microscope.

LET ME OUT IMMEDIATELY! DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE DEALING WITH? I AM SHELDON J. PLANKTON, FUTURE LEADER OF PLANKTOPOLIS AND SAVIOR OF THE WORLD!

Aww, ain't he just the cutest little thing!

GRRR, THAT'S IT! I'LL HAVE TO USE MY MOST POWERFUL WEAPON!

Well I certainly didn’t see that coming.

Muahahahaha! Now you know how it feels to be this small and pathetic!

OK then. Now what do you plan on doing? We’re still stuck inside this jar!

...I don’t really know. I stole this belt from some random superhero.

Do you have an un-shrinker on that thing? I’m not prepared to die in here! We could get sucked up by a-

Whale.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

TO BE CONTINUED

Sorry for the extreme delay on this folks, I kinda got sidetracked with schoolwork and other less important things. I have about three or four more episodes finished, so I'm hoping I can commit to a decent schedule to updating this.

[OWM]

Episode 4 - The Whale

Well, we’re back again guys. Plankton and I got sucked right out of that jar into this whale’s stomach.

I’m not really fond of whales. The only ones I’ve met are big, mean and nasty. And I’ve heard they breathe air instead of water. What kind of sense does that make?

At least we still have Squidmando and our camera so that the show can go on.

I better be getting paid overtime for this!

Quiet, you two! I’ve devised a plan for us to leave the wretched belly of this beast. I’ve reverse-engineered this belt into a devastating laser that will cut a hole to freedom! Just watch.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

What? Who are you people? How did you get inside me?

Look, lass. This was a misunderstanding, We were just trying to-

You’re so EMBARRASSING! What if my friends saw you guys? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Enough crying! Look mate, this is all being broadcast on TV. If you can get us back to normal size, we’ll give you our paychecks for the next five episodes!

WHAT? I didn’t agree to thi-

And can you make me larger than these two? Please?

sniffle Fine. The only person I know who’s smart enough to fix this is my daddy.

Aw, me Pearly. I’ll fix up yer weird tiny dolls for ya! The squirrel gave me this serum that makes things ten times their size! I was using it to fatten up these giant Krabby Patties.

Ah, that was a relief. My cameraman and I are normal size again. Thanks, mate.

Krabs, you fool!

Be right back to terrorize the town! Your formula is next! Ahahahaha!

Uhhh, that’s your problem, City of Bikini Bottom. I think we’ll have to end this episode right here so everyone can evacuate. Make sure to crush any plankton you find on the street, and to stay away from whales! They’re just too over-emotional. 

Hey TV viewers, eat at the Krusty Krab! We’re now selling giant Krabby Patties for ten times the size, ten times the price and ten times the cholesterol! Come before yer house gets flattened by a giant green foot! Ar ar ar!

[OWM]

Episode 5 - The Seahorse

Welcome back again, fellows. This time I’ve sent myself off on the plains to observe a majesty of the sea: the seahorse.

Amazing creatures they are, although they belong in the wild. I’ve heard stories of people taming them, riding them and even pretending to be one! Isn’t that ridiculous?

Perfect view we have of her here. I’m pretty sure she hasn’t noticed me quite yet…

Neeeeeiigh!

Nevermind.

Easy there, girl. If you get close enough you can just stroke its…

AAAAAAAA BACK AWAY SAVAGE BEAST AAAAAAAA

Hmm, maybe that wasn’t the right specimen to observe today. Perhaps this one will be friendlier.

Hello, little one!

Moo!

Hmm… something feels odd about this one. It looks like he wants me to ride him.

QUALITY photoshop skills

Whoaaa! Where are you taking me?

Oh, I’m not really a horse. I was just wondering if you had any more of that delicious spray cheese!

Uhh… here?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

There you are, Patrick! Were you pretending to be a horse again?

Yeah, and I met this cheese guy too! Can you believe it? He’s giving me all this spray cheese for free!

I want some too!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Yeah, uhh, I’m just gonna leave now. Remind me to start charging for starfish spray.

[OWM]

Bikini Bottom Nature Watch Will Return...

[OWM]

 

Hi guys. You’re probably wondering why you haven’t seen me for so long. That’s only because for the last three months, I’ve been trying to track down one of the most dangerous, destructive, and wildest creatures ever to roam the sea: the Snow Mollusk.

http://spongebobia.com/spongebob-captures/content/episodes/galleries/156%20-%20Frozen%20Face-Off/156%20-%20Frozen%20Face-Off%20(0546).jpg

As you can clearly see, he’s nothing to mess around with. Look at those glaring eyes. Tentacles. Gaping maw. He must be stopped immediately, and I have taken it upon myself to try and kill him. So much so that I haven't been near civilization in months. My family thinks I'm dead.

Anyway, my guide and I have made a camp out here in the cave where this beast lives. Luckily I brought some bait to lure the savage thing out.

I hope my ice cream is coming soon.

Now Daniel, I should varn you, zis creature is nozing to laugh off. In vact, ve shouldn’t even be camping inside this ravine to begin with… AAAAAAAAAAAAA

RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR

Oh my god, I didn’t expect it to be that big! Alright, time to send out the bait.

Hi, Mr. Monster! Do you have any ice cream? Is it inside your funny head?

*head falls off*

What the… Santa?

Ho ho ho! Yes, it’s me little one! I am actually the Snow Mollusk!

You.. you made me spend all this time trying to hunt down this thing… and it didn’t even exist?

Yes indeed! I wanted to show you the true meaning of Christmas! Doing what you love best and sharing it with the world!

…

Well, that ends this episode. According to the Santa Clause I should be becoming the next Santa in about 5 minutes until he bleeds out. But enough of that. Expect more of my wacky misadventures in this winter weather and beyond later, I guess. 

Santa, can I please have some ice cream? And some cheese spray? And a new jellyfishing net for SpongeBob? And some mayonnaise for Squidward?

Ughhh...

 

 

[Jackie Chan]

I'm proud of you, my son.

[OWM]

Hey there, Nature Watchers! On my walk today I noticed this strange dome filled with mysterious white powder. For the pursuit of science, I decided to sneak my way inside and take a look.

From what I understand, a “squirrel” lives here. I’ve seen her at the Krusty Krab sometimes. If anyone can tell me what the hell a “squirrel” is, please let me know.

Brrr. This place is frigid. It looks like the squirrel is hiding up in that tree.

Hmm, I remember her being a bit smaller. She’s moving a lot too. And why are her eyes openi-

ROOOOAAAAAAAAAR

AAAAAAAAAA

Gotta run, gotta run, gotta run! How do I get out of here?

BACK TO THE SLAMMER WITH YA DIRTY DAN!

She knows my name!?

Aw Neptune… my head. I need a miracle. I need some way for this to end!

Huh?

Whuh… spring so soon? How did I get out here? Oh, hi there pardner!

GET AWAY FROM ME!

What? What are you-hey come back!

Well I may as well end things here now that I'm at the doctor's. Moral of the story is, take my advice and never approach a squirrel. See you next episode.

[OWM]

Join me in the next episode of Bikini Bottom Nature Watch, where I investigate why all the veggie gardens are being destroyed and why all my eggs have been getting painted in weird colors lately.

[Inanimate Carbon Rod]

Heh-heh, great stuff. Keep it up!

[OWM]

Hey guys. Yeah, it’s been a while. But that’s only because I’ve been back in the hospital this whole time. My little rabbit adventure in April, well uhh, didn’t go so well.

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

 

But now, my studies have taken me to the mysterious waters of Hong Kong, where I've discovered a new species! Isn't that right, Squidmando?

 

I hope you choke on your own vomit, Dan.

 

Observe: The Chan Fish in all its glory. Master of kung fu, and also one hell of a movie star! Let me tell you though, his movies are shiiit. Rush Hour 3 has to be the worst thing I’ve ever seen since Forbidden Ki-

 

I hear you, Daniel.

 

Wait what the fuck it speaks English?

 

You bet I do. But I don't like it when people trash-talk my films in English. They don't tend to live very long afterward.

 

I uhh didn't mean it like that buddy! I loved your show!

 

Too late for that now, Mr. Devilfish. I have a bounty to collect.

 

Wait what a bounty? Now I'm really confu-

 

 

...

 

Ugh... where am I?

 

Ah, finally you're awake. We have some unfinished business to attend to about a broken clarinet.

 

TO BE CONTINUED