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Fred's Either Positive or Negative Ramblings on Entertainment (Topic: Best/Worst Songs of 1995)

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So because I have a bit of a fear of filling up the blog section while also the fact that I have an addiction to posting my thoughts on these reviews, I decided to move my series into a topic. Here's my first riff if you haven't seen it before:

https://www.thesbcommunity.com/blogs/entry/378-fred-riffs-a-harvey-beaks-rant/

 

Anyways, here's my next riff! This one comes from the same guy who did that Harvey Beaks rant. This time? It's an Adventure Time rant. Riffs as usual are in bold.

 

Spoiler

Finn: What time is it?!

It's time for me to bash upon somebody's crappy Adventure Time rant, Finn.

Me: AngryKoopa2002 and it's time for you to get outta here! *grabs out eraser*

Finn: Wait, what are you doing?! *screams as I erase him*

Loving all these Nostalgia Critic inspired jokes, keep 'em coming.

Me: Sorry about that, folks. Today we're ranting on...

ADVENTURE TIME

Thank you for confirming this. I mean, it's not like the title of this rant told us!

This show is the worst on the network along with Sonic Boom, if you don't include the thankfully cancelled shows Grojband and Legends of Chima. For your information, the guy who created Over The Garden Wall also wrote the earlier episodes. So let's move on to the main characters.

First, I should probably riff on this guy's Over the Garden Wall rant in the future. Second, who gives a shit that a person you hate for creating a show you hate wrote the earlier episodes of a show you hate? Hate.

Finn: A spoiled teenage boy with no parents and goes around "saving" every one.

Yeah, that trope gets on my nerves each time. Man, that Mario guy makes me mad because he keeps saying stuff about saving the princess!

It also seems like he has some sort of disorder that makes him say weird things and act the way he does.

Stopping ya right there, Jethro. Just because he says random made-up words in the show, it's because he has some disorder? Which one would that be, Mr. Know-It-All?

Jake: A lazy shape shifting dog and the only character that's even close to me tolerating.

He's lazy? I might not remember most of the episodes of the show but I do remember actually doing shit in the show. Somebody might have to correct me on that though.

BMO: An eccentric talking video game controller. Has a weird voice and doesn't serve much to the show. Moving on.

Doesn't serve much to the show, you say? First of all, I'm pretty sure there was one episode of the show where he solved a mystery like in one of those black-and-white noir films. Second, he does serve Finn and Jake in a few episodes of the show. I wouldn't call that not serving much to the show.

Ice King: A very sad ripoff of Bowser with no friends. I feel really bad for this guy.

"Bowser is a villain so that must mean that every villain is a ripoff of Bowser!" Really, you're just grasping at straws at this point.

Princess Bubblegum: A ripoff of Princess Peach, and very strange.

*sigh* You just never learn at all. Hey, Mr. AngryKoopa, ever heard of the word "influence"? Look it up in a fucking dictionary, you jerk.

Marceline: A gothic 1,003 year old that is stuck in a teenager's body.

A simple description, how nice. Nobody knows if you hate her or not.

Lumpy Space Princess: A princess that sounds like a guy and acts like a teenager. Is a total jerk to her parents and is never ashamed of what she does.

She sounds like a guy because he's voiced by a guy.

Tree Trunks: An "elephant" (not really, she's way too small to count as one) that makes apple pie and is wrongfully abused by Finn in her very first episode.

Yes, because all elephants should look big and enormous in cartoons. Also, I'm pretty sure that Finn made up with her at the end of that episode.

And that's my description of all the main characters.

No shit.

Moving on to the premise. The extremely cliche premise. In the earlier episodes, all it focused on was Finn and Jake either going on boring adventures or saving Princess Peach from the lonely Ice King, which is a shameless rehash of Mario.

Enough. Of the freaking. Mario comparisons. Do Finn and Jake dress in red and green overalls? No. Did the original Super Mario Bros. center around Mario and Luigi going on "boring" adventures with a Gameboy, a vampire, a tiny elephant, and many others? No. Does Princess Peach have hair made of bubblegum? No. Does Ice King look like a spiky turtle? No. So please, for the love of god, SHUT UP ABOUT THIS SHOW BEING A REHASH OF MARIO!

Ice King even has his own minions just like how Bowser does.

I haven't seen no minions in the show look like Goombas and Koopas.

Of course not without sappy teen drama humor thrown in there.

"sappy teen drama" lmao i'm dying

It's a good thing that people are starting to see how much this show does to insult cartoonists lately.

Don't throw others under the bus. I'm sure there's like a few people in the world who thinks like you do. Though it is a long running show so I definitely understand those who do. Still, what makes it the worst cartoon of all time?

This should've been a Mario show instead of this, because you just know it'd be unoriginal.

Yeah, unoriginal. Like how yelling at cartoons hasn't been done by someone before.

The animation thankfully isn't CGI, like most modern shows in the USA, but it still doesn't look good and is very creepy and just plain off-putting. Since PatMcHale did the work in the early episodes, the animation looks creepy and unsettling, ala Flapjack and Over The Garden Wall.

Wasn't the animation done by Koreans though? Only thing I know McHale did on the show was write a few episodes.

The voice acting is grating. Finn's voice actor is very squeaky at times, and it sounds like a screeching vulture being attacked by a monkey.

I almost want to see how that sounds.

The rest of the voice acting sounds okay, but the dialogue is awful.

The dialogue in this rant is awful.

So, there's my rant on Adventure Time. I despise the show and it's good that some people are starting to dislike it too, recently. Join me next time when I rant on...

...The Spoon (The Amazing World of Gumball)

OH NO! NOT A NEARLY FLAWED GUMBALL EPISODE!

Coming soon to a volcano near you. 

I'd rather jump into a volcano than read that rant.

 

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In general, the term 'rip-off' is a horribly misused word in the case of people that say it for when they make a comparison without providing any evidence as to why something is a complete copy of the other.

Anyways, keep up these riffs, man.

Edited by Steel Sponge
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Yeah, so I completely forgot AngryKoopa and this series was a thing so here's another episode! This time it's the Over the Garden Wall rant I know I promised you guys.

 

Spoiler

Posted Image
THE REVIEW (PLEASE DON'T KILL ME FOR THIS!):

*gets pitchforks, torches, and cotton candy ready* Also, I'm using bold and italics for this portion to not be confused with AngryKoopa's commentary in bold.
See that image above, and how it's an image of ::dolphin noise::?

I know the word is "Hell" but I'm just gonna keep it as ::dolphin noise:: and let you guys use your imagination.

In all honesty, this show was kind of difficult for me to stomach. The show had a half decent ending, because everything was back to normal again, but the animation kind of looks like that claymation film Rudolph The Red Nose Reindeer, made into 2D.

I really don't see the comparison between an old claymation holiday special and a cartoon with animation that looks similar to Adventure Time/Gravity Falls/Clarence/all that shiznit.

And by that I mean the character's eyes are HUGE.

I almost read this comment in the Fuccillo Kia guy's voice.

The eyes look highly offputting in this miniseries. I don't prefer spider eyes over them but they're still an unpleasant sight.

*_*_* <---------- Hey, check out my spider eyes, don't they look pleasing?

Anyways, moving on to the sound effects. Most of the audio is birds chirping in the background, which is NEVER a good thing.

Imagine being pissed off over FUCKING BIRDS.

That's what kills a lot of shows such as South Park and Super Why.

I've watched a lot of South Park episodes and not once have I noticed any birds chirping or let it affect my opinion on the show in any way. Can't judge Super Why seeing as how I never watched it and don't have any plans to do so in the future.

It is played at NAUSEA in this miniseries, and DON'T do a drinking game on this because you WILL lose your liver. I guarantee it.

I've got a worse drinking game. Drink every time AngryKoopa2002 complains over trivial things like FUCKING BIRDS.

So don't try it.

Okay, mommy.

I think the show has a good premise and probably would have been better if it were made into a feature film, instead of it being a ten chapter miniseries. Then it pads too much. And that's not a good thing either.

But you would still hate it because of FUCKING BIRDS.

I'm sorry I don't like this show, people.

Apology not accepted.

That's just my thoughts on it. It makes me ashamed as a human being.

You should be ashamed because of your fucking shit review criticizing a show because of "Rudolph animation" and FUCKIN--okay I'll stop with that gag now.

It had a few non-weak spots but was overall not worth my time.

Your review was not worth my time.

I'm fine if you liked this show but I just didn't. It just didn't live up to my expectations. Later I'll do a 1001 Animations to make up for me not liking this show. Bye.

Are you gonna do a 1001 Animations for a show that doesn't have FUCKING BIRDS?
SCORE: 1.5/10 

Again, the bold here is not me but the score may as well be my rating on the review.

 

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This next one's gonna be a biggun. It's AngryKoopa's nitpicking--I mean, review of Spirited Away. It's quite long and it's quite cringey but I had to choose between doing this or doing his godawful Dad's Dungeon rant. I think this one's less painful? Anyways, let's go.

 

Spoiler

Okay, before you criticize me once again 

Too late.

I'll just explicitly start my story from watching this film on the evening of January 2nd, 2015. This film was so horrible, I spent the next few days with depression and I had to start taking medication daily.

Jesus, guy.....There are actual people out there who have depression and I doubt they have it through watching a fucking film.

This film is the entire reason my blogs went on hiatus.

And we were so happy it was.

I slept on the couch for days on end, and it took me over a week to finally get over this thing.

It takes you a week to get over a film you hate? Usually it takes me an hour or one day to get over something I hate.

So please, understand why I hate this film with a passion.

The only thing I don't understand is your fucking dramatic reaction to a movie a boy like you probably shouldn't be watching in the first place.

Now...*gulp* it's time to review....

SPIRITED AWAY

Posted Image

That's my reaction to this review too.

(Cue "Finger of Suspicion 2" as I review this thing)

Bringing out a funny old Riffing Theater gag here:

350?cb=20140822093031
ANNOYING AUDIO = 6/6
Chihiro's voice in the American dub is so whiny and loud, and several times in the film, she shrieks at an unbearably high pitch for moments on end. It wrecks the voice acting behind her character by hurting the ears of us with her in-your-face, obnoxiously uncomfortable screaming. It's comparable to the scream in The Ghost episode of Gumball. Note to american voice cast, PLEASE watch your pitch.

I'm sorry, would you rather everyone in Spirited Away speak softly like this, so they won't damage your poor eardrums?

ABOMINABLE ANNOYANCE = 6/6
Chihiro whines all the time. She never gives up shouting and whining obvious or annoying statements. "AKU, YOU'RE BLEEDING!"

Heh heh, I know another person who whines and shouts all the time. I'll give you a hint: He's a minion from the Mario games who is always angry and was born in 2002.
Posted Image

Don't drag Mean Girls into your review, plz and thank u.
Anyways, there is just so much annoyance in this film. I don't even know where to start.

Just like how there's so much annoyance in this review. I don't even know where to start.

From the obnoxious voice of Chihiro to the annoying frog jumping up and down. It's so annoying, it's scary.

I agree. Frogs scare the shit out of me.

DEPLORABLE DISTURBANCE = 6/6
This is the film's absolute biggest issue. It's disgustingly disturbing for the ENTIRE. FREAKING. FILM!!! 

Okay then, let's make every Studio Ghibli film as innocent as Super Why.

To the gross imagery of Chihiro's parents turning into pigs as they eat the food, and Chihiro's disturbingly big tears as she cries, to the freaky looking spider guy, to the weird scenes of Aku as a dragon and just...
...GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
Posted Image

Alrighty then, let's make every moment in this movie clean and not scary so that we don't offend Mr. Koopa.
Ughgughghgh, aaaahnyways...this film is absolutely scary with it's disturbance. It's just sad. Even the animation looks disturbing at times, like with the unusually fast pace shot of the hamster on the wheel. It's probably supposed to look cartoonish but it just doesn't. It looks like a visible drug and it's just bone chilling. The disturbance is probably THE thing why I have such a hostile, raging, BURNING hatred for this absolute EXCUSE of a 130 minute long film.

Okay, we get it, you hate disturbing shit you probably shouldn't be watching. Is this kid the embodiment of Common Sense Media?

("Finger of Suspicion 2" stops playing, and Fredric Bayco's "Inferno" begins playing)

POOR PLOT = 6/6
By poor, I mean WAY too depressing for even Studio Ghibli. The plot is just so sad.

Not every movie and show needs to be sunshine, rainbows, and lollipops, ya know.

This girl almost gets stuck in this creepy ::dolphin noise:: called a Spirit World and has her parents turn into pigs

Pigs, you say?

Dr.Pig

I mean, I HOPE there are others out there who find this plot absolutely horrifying.

Only you.

Even the premise of Over The Garden Wall didn't break my heart as much as THIS. And that is absolutely eye openingly record breaking.

A premise of a movie can "break your heart"? Get a therapist, please. (Also, this is like the millionth time he mentioned Over the Garden Wall.)

AWFUL ANIMATION = 6/6
This does NOT look like most anime I've seen (in general, the hamster and some other elements look anime esque).

Tell me how many animes you've seen.

There's no blushing, there's no "visible sighs", no cross popping veins, no talking with eyes closed, not even any Super Deformed moments!

So sorry this movie isn't filled with anime stereotypes, Mr. Koopa.

The way Chihiro's parents turn into pigs is disgusting and sick, and the way most of the Spirit World characters look are just cringeworthy. Okay, well, it's Studio Ghibli which didn't really go for most anime cliches, but still, I've seen my peer's artwork that's more detailed than this. And that's really saying something.

I wanna see what your peer's artwork looks like exactly.

MORAL MADNESS = 6/6

 


This film teaches it's younger viewers that if you wander off, your parents turn into pigs and you get trapped into a Spirit World with really, REALLY, REALLY, REALLY horribly bone chilling residents. Jeez, I'd like to see what the moral'd be if this was to have a sequel.

The moral is: Never make a section called "MORAL MADNESS" for movies and shows that aren't meant to teach children (children like yourself who shouldn't even be watching this in the first place) anything. You really are that kid who watches shows like Super Why and expects that everything needs to teach children at the end.

(Now, cue "The Thieving Magpie" as I review more of this film)

350?cb=20140822093031

CRINGEWORTHY CRUELTY = 6/6
Chihiro is treated like such a toy. She's called an idiot by the residents of the Spirit World and is downright bashed by everyone there and the other characters are just dicks to each other.

Awww, you can relate to somebody in the film!

Which leads to my next point...

...UNFORTUNATE IMPLICATIONS = 6/6
This film is probably offensive to snotty 10-year old kids who act like Chihiro.

"probably offensive"

Fool, you're the only one who's offended by this film.

They think they'd get bashed to no end like how Chihiro is treated in the Spirit World, and has to survive literally ::dolphin noise:: to get her parents back. It sickens me when How To Eat With Your Butt is down here with this monstrosity of implications.

Comparing a South Park episode about two butt-faced people looking for their son to Spirited Away, great job son.

At least there's no homophobic words.

The DS Guy would be disappointed.

LOW PRODUCTION VALUES = 6/6
As I previously stated, the animation doesn't have a lot of detail and looks kind of off-putting, so I think it's reasonable how this could get a 6 out of 6 on Low Production Values.

Again, the animation doesn't look that bad. If you think this looks bad, I would like to know what you think the pinnacle of animation is.


(Theiving Magpie stops playing, and now, Sonic CD final boss music as I tackle the last problem)

DEVILISH DERAILMENT = 6/6
At the beginning of the film, Chihiro is just an everyday girl who although sometimes gets on your nerves.

I did not know that you know who gets on my nerves. Great minds sure do think alike.

Look, I did not watch Spirited Away and I'm not even sure about which characters I like or don't like, so stop putting words into my mouth!

Though, as the film progresses, she becomes even whinier and more of a spoiled ::dolphin noise::y brat, until at the end of the film you really just want to throw your laptop out the window, and have the worst outburst you could ever have.

That's funny since I, myself, know of a whiny brat who makes inane reviews that make me want to throw my laptop out the window (or rather, in this case, makes me wanna smash my computer screen).

Her snotty attitude makes me SICK sometimes.

Call the hospital then. I think you have a severe case of "nitpickitis".

It really baffles me yet saddens me at the same time how poorly she must've been raised, because it's clear that this girl did NOT grow up in a responsible ordinary family.

YES! I'M FINALLY DONE REVIEWING THIS!

I second that emotion.

("Send us Victorious" fanfare plays. Cue tears of joy.)

Posted Image

Nice KYM picture.

(Pomp and Circumstance plays as I give the film it's number of Abominable Points)

Now, it is my honor to declare this film a 60/60!

 

 

ABOMINABLE POINTS: 60/60 

And with that, Angry Koopa ends his journey of reviewing Spirited Away. Thank you for reading this, it was very tough. Next Abomination Blog coming to a tissue box near you. Peace. 

I reject your peace, you damn hippie. Okay, where to start with this review. Where. To. Start. I say we play a bit of baseball here.

Strike 1: He's being waaaaaaay too over-dramatic, saying that this movie made him depressed and made him take medication daily. Little known fact about me: I have epilepsy and have to take a total of 5 pills each day. Two in the morning, one in the afternoon, and two at night. I have a reason to take medication. All you did was watch a movie. If you dislike it, whatever, fine by me, but please, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, don't talk about taking meds because of it. Get a therapist. NOW.

Strike 2: He's grasping at straws when it comes to criticizing. I would like to point out the "MORAL MADNESS" category in particular. Again, I never watched Spirited Away but if there's one thing I know about it, it's that it's not supposed to teach anyone. It's supposed to intrigue and entertain the viewer. Also, to be honest, if it did have an unnecessary moral, I'd end up hating it.

Strike 3: You sound like the fucking Simple Plan singer when you wrote this.

That's three strikes and you're out. And I'm out too. This was a disaster of a review.

 

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At that point, I'm 90% convinced that AngryKoopa2002 was a troll, and so if he was, then he was a good one at that for how believable his reviews came off as. I can't completely confirm that since I'm not that much of an open book on the guy, but it can't also probably be confirmed since he's been banned from SBM for years, but the way I've read these three reviews, it feels as though that he has been trying to come up with absurd reasons to hate such things and he's giving them absurd ratings just because (and for his age at the time, he could spell and punctuate very well). If he actually is legit, then I'm stunned by his sheer lack of talent and effort as a critic.

Edited by Steel Sponge

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Okay so I try to avoid commentating on positive reviews on this series considering that most of those reviews aren't really bad in particular. Why should I have to hate on positivity at all? No matter if I disagree with or not, they're not horrendous, therefore they escape my wrath.

 

But in this case, there is one positive review of AngryKoopa's I feel deserves to be riffed. It's a very short one focused on an episode on Pingu but once you see the review, you'll see why this one is special.

 

Spoiler

Pingu Runs Away

EPISODE: 14 (SEASON 1, EPISODE 14)
YEAR: 1990
TRUE STORY: This episode was banned in several countries due to Pingu getting spanked, pictured above.

For the record, there was a picture of the episode featuring, well, what he said, but it was broken. I'd find one but why bother, I know that's not what you're here for. THIS is what you're here for.
BEST MOMENT: Pingu getting spanked.

Stop for laughs. He literally called Pingu getting spanked the best part of the episode. Now, you can either see this as someone who hates Pingu with a passion and likes it when anyone in the show abuses him, or you can see this as someone who enjoys Pingu getting spanked in a rather.............dirty way. If you imagine the latter choice, it's pretty damn hilarious. 

REVIEW:
You've probably never heard of Pingu

Spoken like a true '90s kid................born in 2002. You're seriously talking like no one besides you have heard of Pingu.

, but it is truly a great show. The scene where Pingu gets spanked was hilarious.

That's the only scene you talk about, you goddamn Pingu pervert.

As well as the scene where he rubs his behind afterwards.

UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

But it was the early 90s so obviously it got past the censors somehow.

Were PINGU KINKS okay in the early '90s too?

INTERESTING AUDIO: 2/5
INTERESTING GRAPHICS: 3/5
HUMOR: 2/3 

 

And that's about it. Not an absolutely horrendous review, but when you take it out of context, it's the funniest of them all.

 

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Welp, bad news that I neglected to mention on this thread months ago: With the new SpongeBuddy Mania update, the Blogs section of the site is now gone. Yes, including AngryKoopa's, which was the main reason this topic was made. With that being said, should I really abandon this topic just as SBM abandoned their Blogs feature? And with that question asked, my answer is no.

 

That's right, this topic is making a transition. I won't be making this a huge negative project anymore, but instead, I'm making it the best of both worlds. Sure, there will be some instances of negativity here and there but it'd be nice balancing it out with some positive best lists now and then. And honestly, what inspired me was because of a blog post I made around three years back. One many of you guys may not remember anymore since the recent update got rid of the Blogs feature. The blog post I am talking about is the one where I reviewed the Billboard year-end charts of 2004.

 

Yes, I know I said I would never really cover a year-end chart again when I revealed the whole list of 1988's, but this is a special exception. Mostly because there are many positions for my 2004 list that I regret putting there. Not all of them, mind you, just the some that I incredibly underestimated back in 2016. With all that said, I think it's time I say I'm sorry for.....

 

2004

 

I actually started this project just a week ago so it should be coming not too soon.

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So yeah, I know I mentioned before when I did my 1988 list that I would quit doing these kinds of lists. This is a special exception, however. Maybe there are a few choices I regret when I did years like 1991 or 1999. There were either songs I was too hard on, not hard enough on, or songs I massively overlooked. Regardless of those, I do admit that those lists have still aged well and I am satisfied with how they both turned out.

 

With my 2004 list, it's a different story.

 

"I'm not a perfect person" indeed, and my old list of 2004 more than proves that. All those problems I mentioned earlier are all prevalent back when I did the year in 2016. It's not like I regret every placement on that list. I am still happy with a lot of the songs I placed on both of my lists, but some songs on the first half of the list have gotten worse and some songs on the second half I've softened up on overtime. We can get to my old shame after my best list is revealed, but first, I think it's time to evaluate how the music in 2004 was.

 

Honestly, it does feel like I'm reliving my 1991 rankings again. Maybe it's not as bad as that year was but it did share some similarities. This was a big year for Usher and an even bigger year for hip-hop so naturally, I ran into some followers while doing so. Unfortunately, some of them ranged from okay to really bad and we are looking at the really bad on this list. And right now, I think you know what we're gonna be looking at here.

 

Fred's Bottom 10 Hit Songs of 2004

 

Spoiler

Okay so if I'm about to begin non-stop bashing of artists I've never heard of, we may as well start off this list talking about some familiar faces: Nickelback.

 

Honestly, I don't really like bashing on these guys that much. While some of their criticism is well-deserved, I still think there are worse bands who have done Nickelback worse than Nickelback. And with the internet bashing them enough already, what's the point of beating a Chad Kroeger?

 

Still though, I have my limits as to what they're allowed to get away with and what they're not. And when they make a song like this, I have to draw a line.

 

10. "Someday" - Nickelback

 

Honestly, I'd love to riff on this but the exact first line of the song does it for me.

 

How the hell did we wind up like this

 

Yes, how the hell did we end up like this? How did we end up giving Nickelback a #1 hit song back in 2002 and then getting an almost carbon copy of that song two years later? I really hate making this comparison like the others do, but it's true. It's the same damn song.

 

There is a reason why that mashup was made. It basically illustrates how samey-sounding most of their hits are and demonstrates one of the problems people have with Nickelback: their lack of contempt into making good music. It's like they said "Let's take our popular song from two years ago, put it into another key, change the lyrics, and see how much the general public will eat it up". And of course, their plan worked.

 

And no, I don't think this is their worst song. They have made songs much uglier and dumber, which is why this song is higher than some others. But from my point of view, it's an incredibly lazy song and it may have been a perfect influence for bands like Imagine Dragons to do the same. I mean, if Nickelback can recycle their own songs and still be famous for it, any future rock band can do it, right? Okay, that's probably the reason why this is so low. Anything else the song has to say?

 

We're gonna make it alright but not right now

 

Yes, continue to try making it alright. Keep making the same sludgy songs that make people call you guys the punching bag of rock music.

Spoiler

9. "Game Over (Flip)" - Lil' Flip

 

I don't think I mentioned how bad the worst hip-hop songs this year were. They were atrocious, especially this one. Let's jet through all the problems:

 

1. The artist's name is Lil' Flip.

2. Lil' Flip has absolutely no personality.

3. This song samples Pac-Man noises terribly.

4. The constant chanting of "flip" is the hook of the song.

 

Those four problems are the reasons why this is one of the worst hip-hop songs this year had to offer. To those who think that Lil Jon's songs are stupid, at least he has a bite to his performance. If you need to listen to any "little" rapper in 2004, please listen to that guy, not Forgettable Stereotypical Rapper here. Game over for this guy.

Spoiler

And of course, while we're on the topic of bad rap songs this year...

 

8. "Lean Back" - Terror Squad

 

"Terror Squad" feels like the correct name for a group that would make this song because this song truly feels like a terrorist attack on my ears. Fat Joe is insufferable as a frontman, the song is based off of a stupid dance move, and the cherry of the shit sundae himself, Scott Storch.

 

This year, Scott Storch was behind most of Beyonce's songs and I'd be willing to give those songs a safe pass due to Beyonce being a much better performer. So when you swap out Beyonce with The Notorious Wannabe.I.G. and back it up with an even worse exotic sounding production, you pretty much get a shitty rap song.

 

Oh and if I didn't mention it yet, this song is in 2004's Top 10. It was #1 for about three weeks in 2004. PEOPLE WERE LISTENING TO THIS IN 2004. I guarantee you guys 100% that there were much better hip-hop songs this year so I suggest you all just listen to those songs instead and let these guys rest in irrelevance.

Spoiler

The year was 2004. Country and hip-hop were the two most popular genres that year. Naturally, this would start a feud between the two genres. Country fans would burn Public Enemy albums. Rap fans would burn Johnny Cash albums. It truly was a dark time for both of those genres.

 

Okay, I'm not sure if it was exactly as bad as the rock and disco feud back in 1979, I think both genres just left themselves the hell alone. My point is, 2004 was the year country and rap had their first crossover song. Too bad it was so damn boring.

 

7. "Over and Over" - Nelly featuring Tim McGraw

 

You know, if you want to make a huge crossover hit between two genres, AT LEAST have the decency to make it sound interesting. This just sounds like yet another mediocre country song I came across this year and a much worse mediocrity too. And yes, this is indeed the worst country song I came across when doing this list. Why? Well, let's look at another country song this year that was really bad.

 

Good lord, is this song awful. It is the perfect way to perpetuate the stereotypes of country music that makes people hate it in the first place. I only listened to it for one minute and I instantly thought it was a contender for my worst list. Like, one of the songs that Todd Phillips of SBM infamy would write. It's bad, but at least it's an interesting type of bad. The kind of bad that can make me write a whole essay on how bad it is.

 

But "Over and Over" is just so depressing that it makes me wonder why these two genres would meet in the first place. Hell, the remix to "Cruise", to many of its many many faults, at least tried to incorporate both genres into the song. "Accidental Racist"? Okay, maybe I'll put a pin to that one for now. Still, you should put some intrigue into your song, no matter how great or atrocious it may be.

 

And really, I have nothing against both the artists involved. I think they are both passable in the genres they are involved with. This? It's simply the most uninteresting thing both artists have ever done. Definitely won't be playing this song over and over again.

Spoiler

 

It is astonishing as to how an artist who would release a song like this would sell out two years later.

 

6. "Just Lose It" - Eminem

 

I suppose there should be some sort of explanation as to why this is lower than Terror Squad. With them, it's the kind of bad you would expect from them. But "Just Lose It" is coming from a rapper who has made many outstanding songs before this one. Eminem is lucky to have such a huge fanbase even after releasing this song because it sounds like a song that would kill anyone's career. 

 

This is just like "Without Me", a song that I would probably hate if the lyrics and Eminem's flow throughout the song didn't make up for it. I would certainly take it over this song which is an all around bad from the bad toilet humor, Eminem babbling like an idiot, and the weird-ass walrus noise he makes throughout the whole song.

Yep. That's the one I'm talking about. Arr arr arr arr arr.

 

Thankfully, Eminem was able to bounce back in 2010. While I would never call Recovery one of his best works, it is still way more dignified than this song. If you need a good example of Eminem selling out................just look at his collaboration with Ed Sheeran. I still can't believe that such a thing like that ever existed. "Just Lose It" is an acceptable alternative as well. Arr arr arr arr.

Spoiler

But if we're to discuss songs from rappers who were already bad to begin with, there's only one person to call.

 

5. "One Call Away" - Chingy featuring J-Weav

 

I mean, it can't be a 2004 worst list without bringing up Chingy, right? Out of all the no-talent rappers of this era, I would undoubtedly call Chingy the worst of them all. Most of the songs he's released over the course of his career are bad but this one's different from his usual kind of bad. This is the bad that is trying to sound romantic.

 

Look, in a year like 2004, you'd have to be like Usher if you wanted to release a romantic song like this. The difference between him and Chingy is because Usher actually sounds good. In what world would you want to be swooned by a guy who sounds like Eric Cartman doing a bad Steve Urkel impression? Seriously, each time he says a word that rhymes with "ball", it sounds like he's being kicked in the BAWLS.

 

I'd judge J-Weav's part in the song but it's barely visible due to Chingy being all over the place, talking over him about "HOWYOUWASMAHBABAH". How we let this guy have more than one hit is beyond me but how did we let this guy write a love song? That's practically never worked for these kinds of rappers, even before Chingy's success, and when your love song is fronted by a rapper like Chingy, it's bound to be a trainwreck from the get-go. Just more proof that songs entitled "One Call Away" are really bad.

Spoiler

A breakup is a great topic to write a song about. Given that I don't know how tough a breakup can be yet, I know how tough it can be with others. And most breakups have inspired some of the greatest songs ever made. From Fleetwood Mac to Greg Kihn to Taylor Swift, they've all made great songs regarding breakups. Unfortunately, if you write your songs like Eamon did, maybe there's a reason why your spouse broke up with you.

 

4. "Fuck It (I Don't Want You Back)" - Eamon

 

 

If there's anyone who has more negative talent than Chingy this year, it would no doubt have to be Eamon. Thankfully, he never had more success past this one pathetic and forgettable song. Who was this song for anyways? For people who want to breakup with someone? That can't be true because there are way much better breakup songs than this one. Is it supposed to be a "fuck you" song? If so, then it's bad at that aspect too. Obviously, there's only one song for that.

 

I think what separates that song from this is because we actually understand why Ceelo is angry. Because his friend is sleeping with the girl he loved. As far as I know, that's a perfect reason to write a "fuck you" song. All I get from this song is that Eamon's ex slept with some guys and................that's pretty much it. Oh and Ceelo sounds much better on his song than Eamon does on his, maybe that's the main issue I have with this.

 

I can't imagine anyone who would sing a song like this to break up with somebody. There are much better songs about this that are sung much better than this guy. Nothing else to say except fuck this song and fuck you too, Eamon.

Spoiler

3. "Milkshake" - Kelis

 

 

Okay, clearly, this is gonna be the song that I'll be getting flak for by putting it on my worst list so I'll just start off by saying this: I get the appeal of this song. Despite my distaste for it, the hook for it is admittedly catchy. However, it's catchy the same way herpes is catchy and it can't even save this garbage song.

 

Can you tell that this is another Scott Storch song? Because it's not. It was produced by the goddamn Neptunes who are in general, better producers than him. Knowing that they're the ones behind this godawful production makes my blood boil. Aside from that, there's another problem I have with this song. Not only is it obnoxious, but it's the kind of obnoxious that sounds way too boring.

 

https://ytcropper.com/cropped/pG5d0ce867f34f7

 

It sounds like she took a Benadryll before recording this. Like she wanted to make the most boring dance song of 2004. Well, mission fucking accomplished.

 

So what is this song about anyways? Is it an anthem dedicated to milkshakes? Is it a double entendre? Well, Kelis said herself that the "milkshake" represents something that makes women feel special but really, who the hell cares what it's about anyway? It's a meaningless song that sounds like utter crap. I can't imagine there would be other people who would listen to this song outside of that catchy hook but whoever they are, they are way braver than I am. Next.

Spoiler

Now this next song here isn't really as atrocious as the ones I had above. It's not nearly as lazy as "Someday", stupid as "Lean Back" and "Game Over", embarrassing as "Just Lose It", pathetic as "Fuck It", or unlistenable as "Milkshake". However, it is the one song that represented the problem I had with the list I did before: the lack of effort I put into it. Out of all the songs that were in my top half, this is the one that least deserved it.

 

2. "Sorry 2004" - Ruben Studdard

 

 

I am literally speechless. How the hell did I put this in my top half in the first place? I mean, it wasn't too high like in the Top 20 or something, but it was at #48 which is still being too generous. I dunno, I'm at a loss here.

 

I don't really think the year was horrendous enough for some of the bad songs to seep into the top half so what gives? Was it because I was into mediocre American Idol contestants at the time? Impossible because there are way more talented singers from that show (which we'll get to when I post my best list). Was it because I thought it was romantic? Impossible because that's why we had an Usher this year. I can't think of ANY reason why this made my top half back in 2016.

 

How anything this C-list at best could make my top half is baffling to me. This song makes "The Reason" sound like a genuine apology and at least that song has nostalgic value. You could say it literally has a reason for its position in the top half. This? I can't buy a single apology out of this song. Especially when he starts speaking in "Ironic"-type similes. This is why you should really re-think your lists before you post them. Otherwise, you'd be getting shit like this to enter the top half of a year that's much better than I stated before. I guess you can say this is my sorry for 2004, and I'm not sorry about placing this on my worst list.

Spoiler

My #1 song here is actually one some of you guys may not expect it to be. With all of the songs I've shown above, they could've been the worst of 2004 but alas, that's not the case here.

 

Not only is this my least favorite of the year, it's the song I really feel uncomfortable talking about on my worst list because it comes from a surprisingly decent act in the rock scene. Still though, I'll be damned if I find a song in 2004 more useless than this one.

 

1. "One Thing" - Finger Eleven

 

 

Despite me placing a song of theirs at #1, I should mention that I do not hate this group at all. And yes, I can find myself listening to a song of theirs over some of the garbage that Nickelback shat out during the 2000s. Let's look at their more memorable hit three years later.

 

"Paralyzer" is one of the best rock songs of 2007. Maybe it was because of bands like Nickelback or Hinder dominating the rock scene that year but as far as I know, Finger Eleven was one of the few rock bands that year that had a better edge than those two. However, in the context of 2004, they sound like another Lifelesshouse. This sounds like something that would play in a sappy scene of a forgettable teen drama. The kind of song that doesn't deserve to be dignified not only in rock music but pop music as well. The kind of song that even Nickelback would out-rock this year. That's a damn shame.

 

Thankfully, they've made much better songs because this is not the kind of song you would want to represent your rock band with. While it may not be the most horrendous song on this list, it is bad in the most disappointing way possible. If you do want to check out the rest of their discography, I really recommend doing that. Trust me when I say that they're much better than they sound here.

 

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wow so i completely forgot that i had a best list to do here, what happened

 

I guess it's really hard to analyze my top 10 masterpieces for the year since listening to them really speaks for itself. But let's get to the real reason I came back to this topic: to address the Teen Titans Go hate.

 

Now believe it or not, I used to be on the TTG hatetrain myself back in 2013. Back then, I thought the show was annoying and loathesome even before it was hated by most people everywhere. That hate eventually stopped by the end of July 2014 when I discovered Nick Reboot and decided to make that site my cable television instead. I still kinda hated that show, but at the same time, it was a lesser hate and I could accept the show for what it was: A kinda annoying but harmless Teen Titans spin-off. So I moved on like what the others should've done.

 

Now, I just hate the show but for a completely different reason. Not because it made the Titans into unlikable superheroes. Not because the writers gave more a crap about baiting the haters over writing normal storylines (though that may be a factor). Not because a critic I liked hates it. No, the real reason why I hate it now is that Cartoon Network plays it too damn much throughout the entire week and the more CN started streaking its ego, the more cocky the show became overtime. As an example of what a normal CN schedule looks like now, here's the week of February 3rd:

Spoiler

Image

That's over 100 segments of Teen Titans Go and Gumball aired that week. And the rest of the schedule are shows that either: A) are not even important or B) have potential but are unfortunately shadowed by those two shows.

And it's not like this is the first time I've had problems with over-saturated shows before. I never liked Johnny Test marathons back in the early 2000s. And SpongeBob, while I never hated it, shouldn't really have aired too much. The only difference with those two examples is that those networks at least had some breathing room for their other shows instead of dedicating the whole week to just one. Like, here's how I would run the schedules.

 

Weekdays:

  • 9am to 2pm: Air some of the more unimportant stuff since these are around the times most kids are in school. You know, smaller versions of existing franchises, followed by a movie, then reruns of old Tom & Jerry or Looney Tunes shorts.
  • 2pm to 7pm: Make this fair ground for some of the more important shows on the network and restrict a certain show to just two half-hours.
  • 7pm to 9pm: A specific block for new episodes should be aired around this time. My most preferred suggestion is airing the comedy block on either Monday or Thursday and airing an action block on Friday nights.

Weekends:

  • 6am to 8am: Reruns of the shows you've missed on the comedy block.
  • 8am to 10am: Reruns of shows you've missed on the action block.
  • 10am to 12pm: A movie to fill up some time.
  • 3pm to 7pm: Besides specific holidays, weekends should be the only time to air marathons of a certain show. Though it would definitely be important to make the marathons more varied. Like, for example, Teen Titans Go could have a marathon on Saturday and then have another show marathon the next day.
  • 7pm to 9pm: Conclude the day off with a movie. Families will probably want a movie to watch together at this point of the day.

 

Really, the main summary of my argument here is that I need more variety in the schedules. Air reruns of older shows if you have to. I want the top airing show to be a surprise. There's more variety in Adult Swim's schedule, for Pete's sake. Whether or not I hate Teen Titans Go, it needs to start airing less now.

 

Though I will say this about Teen Titans Go. At least it's not the Powerpuff Girls reboot.

 

 

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New update on this topic, I decided to tackle a new subject Billboard year-end wise. To those who wanted to know what my favorite song of 2004 was, no duh it's "Hey Ya!".

 

Anyways, I decided to head back to my favorite music era aside from the '70s and go to the '80s with 1982. I actually finished both those lists on Google Docs and posted them both on Discord but I may as well make those lists site-accessible as well.

 

WORST LIST:

Spoiler

1982. The year that ‘80s music changed for the better.

While it is true that 1980 was the first year of ‘80s music, it isn’t that much of an important year when it came to popular music. Same goes for 1981. Not saying that both of those years had songs that shaped the rest of the decade, but both years did not have what 1982 has: identity. Really, a lot of songs on this list still remain well-known classics to this very day and at least 20 of these songs are in my Spotify library. So yeah, final verdict? This is a great year for ‘80s music.

With that being said though, this worst list is going to be a chore to get through. You know how I mentioned 1981 being a boring year for pop? Unfortunately, some of the boring shit that plagued that year didn’t all go away quite yet and that’s what most of this worst list consists of. But it’ll all be worth it when I get to the best songs this year had to offer. Now let’s quit with my stalling and get to the yawning.

THE BOTTOM 10 SONGS OF 1982

Spoiler

You know what type of music we should’ve gotten rid of by 1982? Yacht rock.

 

 

Look, I live in Florida. I live next door and across neighbors who play crap like this 24/7 so it’s natural that I’d grow tired of this specific genre. Especially the main offender and poster child of this genre, “The Pina Colada Song”. I don’t even need to go into detail about why this song sucks. It’s a song about a man cheating on his own wife with his own wife and it’s all juxtaposed with happy island music. It sucks massively.

 

But if I had to give it something, it is bad in the most memorable way. And this next song is not.

 

10. “Key Largo” - Bertie Higgins

 

 

Dear god, this song actually made me compliment “The Pina Colada Song” a little. That alone makes me regret placing this song this high. But we’re not talking about my regrets here. We’re…..making an attempt to talk about “Key Largo”.

 

I realize that there’s an audience for songs like these (particularly old Florida people, it’s named after an actual Florida location, for St. Pete’s sake) but don’t count me as one of them. For a song that reached the Top 10 of the year, it sure did fall out of everyone’s conscious over time.

 

You can see why it’s a struggle to talk about this song. This is the equivalent of critiquing a tourism video of Florida. I’m pretty sure it was made for the type of people who enjoy Casablanca quotes and references. And of all the songs in this year of music in all the world, this one walked into my worst list.

Spoiler

I’d be more forgiving of this song and spare it from my worst list if I did 1981. Unfortunately, I am not, and in a more exciting year in music, I can’t think of another song I’d want to hear less.

 

9. “Arthur’s Theme (Best That You Can Do)” - Christopher Cross

 

 

My relationship with Christopher Cross’ music is rather complicated. He’s not a repeat offender the same way Peter Cetera is (yes, we’ll be getting to him later just in case you were worried) but a lot of his songs aren’t impressive enough to make it in the top half either. He is just incredibly mediocre, and when your mediocre song somehow makes it onto two year-end charts, that’s when I have a problem.

 

Really, the fact that this hit #1 is what puzzles me. I can only assume it had to do with the movie this song was associated with. It sure as hell isn’t Christopher’s Cetera-like voice. It’s definitely not the boring production. I guess the sax solo is okay but even then, it can’t save a song with little-to-no good qualities.

 

Maybe it’s not the worst of the songs on this list which is why I can’t place it lower than it already is, but in contrast with the quality of the year, it sadly sticks out like a sore thumb. And in the case of this song, the best that I can do is fall asleep.

Spoiler

Depending on who’s reading this, I’m not sure if this seems like an unpopular opinion to you guys, but I just cannot get into Barbra Streisand’s music.

 

8. “Comin’ In and Out of Your Life” - Barbra Streisand

 

 

Okay, I will have to admit that Barbra Streisand has a very powerful set of pipes. If I were to judge these songs by how they’re sung, Barbra would get an advantage over Christopher Cross. But the reason why she’s lower on this list is very simple: All the songs I’ve heard from her just put me to sleep, great voice or not.

 

And I really don't think she's a bad singer either. In fact, I would be rather forgiving of Broadway performers like Streisand or Bette Midler if their more exciting(?) songs charted over low-tempo ballads only an audience over 40 would enjoy. Unfortunately, I have to judge what's here and what we have here is an uninteresting song by a much more interesting performer. Sorry Barbra, but in the context of 1982, this music just isn't for me. Moving on.

Spoiler

 

No matter what you think of The Alan Parsons Project, you do have to admit that “Sirius” is one hell of an instrumental. There’s a reason why you hear them so much at Chicago Bulls games or Criss Angel shows. It grabs your attention. It accomplishes what all instrumentals should do.

 

I only wish I could say the same about the song it opens for.

 

7. “Eye in the Sky” - The Alan Parsons Project

 

 

I’m not sure if I really get it. You have that exciting instrumental and you choose to segue that into this? But that’s not even what gets me about this song. No, what gets me is that I know The Alan Parsons Project better than this.

 

 

Although I have no knowledge about this band’s discography and I see them as a lesser version of Emerson, Lake & Palmer, I do know that they’re a progressive rock band and while not as complex, they have the ability to make interesting music. This song? You could tell me that Ambrosia performed this song and I would believe you. In fact, I’d believe that over a prog rock band performing this.

 

Unfortunately, this song ended up being their biggest hit, reaching #3 on the charts. I guess people in 1982 would rather listen to uninteresting songs over more interesting songs from the same group? Whatever. I may not have high expectations when it comes to Alan Parsons and his project, but even I expect better than this.

Spoiler

Out of all the songs on this list, this one confused me the most. I mean, what the actual hell is this?

 

6. “Hooked On Classics” - Royal Philharmonic Orchestra

 

 

Okay, so one year back in 1981, a group called Stars on 45 released a medley of songs featuring old songs from the ‘60s and ‘70s put to a disco beat to modernize all of those songs. Somehow, it had reached #1 on the charts in June and that was enough for someone out there to create something similar with classical music a few months later. And while it wasn’t a #1 song like “Stars” was, it reached 10 on the weekly charts and that’s all it took for this “song” to make it on the year-end of 1982.

 

But the fact that it’s not even a song is just a very minor factor as to why I don’t like this. I don’t like this because it adds nothing unique to any of these songs at all. What do I mean by this? Let’s go a few years back to 1976.

 

 

This is “A Fifth of Beethoven” by Walter Murphy. It is a re-working of Beethoven’s 5th symphony to make it fit in with the times. And it works better because it does more than just adding a lazy, non-existent beat like “Hooked On Classics” did. This is just the kind of “song” that would inspire acts like Jive Bunny to release similar garbage later on.

 

I may not be the biggest fan of classical music but even that genre still needs its dignity.

Spoiler

Look, I may have said something among the lines of most of this worst list being too boring for words. And I was not lying as you can tell by the first half of this list. Though despite me placing those songs on my list here, they’re not completely terrible. In an even worse year, those songs wouldn’t make it onto my worst list. And who knows? Maybe my opinions on those songs will change over time and they wouldn't even contend for the worst list.

 

That is not the case for these next five songs. These songs are basically set in stone as my least favorites this year had to offer. No turning back now, because this is where the gloves come off. Let's start, shall we?

 

5. “Pac-Man Fever” - Buckner & Garcia

 

 

Originally, I wasn’t considering this song to make it onto my worst list. I mean, it is terrible. But unlike these other songs, at least it served a purpose. Pac-Man was a huge influence on video games. And its success led to sequels, merchandise, and two cartoons, regardless of how shitty those two were. So yeah, it was inevitable that Buckner & Garcia here would write a song about it. And I can’t really fault them for that.

 

But the version that the playlist maker graciously provided me with was the extended version, and hearing this song and those Pac-Man noises for almost 7 minutes made this song insufferable enough to be list-worthy.

 

Look, I don’t expect to take a decade like the ‘80s completely seriously but at least with cheesy songs like “Eye of the Tiger”, they have some sort of drive to it. This is just straight-up kitsch all the way through. If Pac-Man hadn’t been so big in the ‘80s, this song would’ve killed it for sure. Thankfully, this song isn’t remembered by most people outside of its title. And if they do remember it, I hope they’re not fond memories. Ironically, I think Ghostly Adventures put it best.

 

 

Spoiler

You know, as bad as that last song was, I can take solace in the fact that it wasn’t the #1 song of 1982.

 

4. “Physical” - Olivia Newton-John

 

 

1982 had a lot of fair competition when it came to the #1 song of the year. “Centerfold”, “Eye of the Tiger”, “I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll”, and so on. And regardless of what you may think of those songs, those are the songs people go to when they want to represent 1982. I guess some people think of this song too but to me, it sounds absolutely awful.

 

I can go into detail about what I don’t like about this song. I can talk about Olivia’s voice. While she sang fine in Grease, most of her solo output ranges from too boring to…..this. I can talk about the cheesy beat that does not save the song in any way. I can talk about the music video which almost gives “Sexy and I Know It” a run for its money. Almost. But of all the parts of this song I hated the most, I didn’t expect it to be this line:

 

Let me hear your body talk

 

After that disgusting line, it’s pretty much hard to save the rest of this song. Not like there’s anything else about this song that’s remotely salvageable. It may have made people get physical in 1982 but it makes me physically sick to my stomach.

Spoiler

I really, really wish these worst lists of the ‘80s were less predictable. They wouldn’t have to be had Chicago not sold out in the ‘80s.

 

3. “Hard to Say I’m Sorry” - Chicago

 

 

Surprise! It’s Chicago. Specifically, it’s an ‘80s Chicago ballad with Peter Cetera front and center. And to nobody’s surprise, it sucks massively.

 

Maybe it’s better if I put things into perspective. After guitarist Terry Kath’s death in 1978 and a failed disco era nobody liked, Chicago sought to change up their sound to fit in with the ‘80s by performing REO Speedwagon-esque ballads. As a result, this song ended up at #1 and the rest, unfortunately, became history.

 

This is the exact song to pinpoint to the reason why I dislike selling out. I’m aware that Chicago made ballads far back when they started out in the ‘70s, but at least those songs were less sufferable and most importantly, NOT the main basis of the band’s sound.

 

Yet as much as I complain about how they sound now, my complaints will always bounce back to how Peter Cetera sounds singing them. He is to the ‘80s what Adam Levine is to now. You can say you’re sorry all you want but it’s not going to make up for the 10 years of damage you did to the ‘80s. Next.

Spoiler

I say this as an unlicensed and unofficial music critic, but I don't think Styx really deserves so much criticism.

 

 

No matter how weird they got by the mid-80s, they sure knew how to put on a performance. Watch that footage above and try to tell me they suck afterwards. Sure, they still have their fair share of boring ballads, but on the other hand, they also have a great share of songs like the one above that cement themselves in the progressive rock lexicon forever. So yeah, I totally think people are taking their Styx hate too far. There was another group this year that deserved more hate.

 

2. “Sweet Dreams” - Air Supply

 

 

It’s pretty much impossible to make a worst list of this year without addressing the Air Supply in the room. They had three hits this year. Three hits! I’m surprised I didn’t have room to put all three on here. They really are that awful.

 

Okay, so with their other two songs this year, they sounded the same as all their other songs. They came close to making my list but were spared because I expected them to sound like that. This song? It sounds like they were trying to sound like Pink Floyd yet ended up sounding like wet flannel instead.

 

And you know, maybe it would’ve worked better had it actually gone to a group that’s actually capable of making music like this. Styx? Definitely. Yes? Sure. The Alan Parsons Project? Actually, even Alan Parsons would do more justice to this song than Air Supply ever could. My point is: Air Supply flat out suck and can’t make any great music regardless of whatever genre they choose to play in. And the fact that we gave them three hits this year is simply inexcusable.

Spoiler

It is an understatement when I say that new wave changed the face of ‘80s music. I would indeed take it over boring AC crap any day. Yet if there’s one negative thing I had to say about it, it’s that it does bad things to most old artists. We’ve seen a similar situation with Chicago and soft rock two spots earlier, but if there’s any sellout song that pissed me off even more this year, it’s this.

 

1. “Abracadabra” - Steve Miller Band

 

 

It should feel wrong to have to put the most talented out of all these artists at #1, but I just cannot stand this song anymore. Years before I heard it again, I thought it was rather unique and cool. Now that I’m older, I’m starting to forget what I ever saw in this song. Let’s keep this in mind. I like Steve Miller Band and I LOVE new wave, but the two just don’t blend in very well. What you get here is just an utter mess of a song that sounds like it came from the depths of Hell. And it is very deserving of #1 for that reason.

 

…okay, here’s the real reason why this is #1.

 

Abra abracadabra

I wanna reach out and grab ya

 

That this creepy, Robin Thicke-ish lyric would come out of anyone’s mouth is bad enough, but the fact that it came from Steve Miller’s mouth is what really gets to me. He and his band can do much better songs than this one. I don’t know how people can listen to this, but they did. And it reached #1 as well. Good lord.

 

Abracadabra: The magic word to make anyone’s talent completely disappear.

 

BEST LIST:

Spoiler

Now that I have that chore of a worst list out of the way, it makes me delighted that I get to bring you all the shining stars of the year. Yeah, not gonna lie, it was much harder to find just 10 songs I thought were awesome this year than finding 10 songs that weren’t, and what better way to demonstrate this than with some honorable mentions?

 

HONORABLE MENTIONS

“Vacation” - The Go-Go’s

What can I say? I am a sucker for brainless vacation songs. And this one makes me feel like I’m having a great time no matter what situation I’m in.

 

“Caught Up in You” - .38 Special

And sometimes, I’m a sucker for great Southern rock as well. With songs like this and “Hold On Loosely”, I’d say .38 Special earned a good spot in the classic rock scene of the early ‘80s.

 

“Eye of the Tiger” - Survivor

Barring my opinion on Survivor overall and the overplay this song gets, even I have to admit I still like this song no matter how ridiculous and over the top it sounds. If they had more songs like this instead of the boring shitty ballads they did later on, they could be a very passable cheese metal band.

 

“Heat of the Moment” - Asia

A year where both Survivor and Asia get honorable mentions is a pretty great year. Never been the biggest fan of these guys either but it’s hard to deny how awesome this song is.

 

“Edge of Seventeen” - Stevie Nicks

The riff that Destiny’s Child sampled in one of my favorite songs of theirs is iconic enough for this song to get a mention. That and Stevie Nicks is one hell of a vocalist.

 

“Don’t You Want Me” - The Human League

Never really heard much of The Human League’s discography though there’s probably a reason why. This song supersedes the band and rightfully so. That much is true.

 

“Young Turks” - Rod Stewart

See? Sometimes new wave does a good thing to old artists! Especially if it’s from an artist that’s normally not one of my favorites. You can also connect my love for this song with the memories of me and my old middle school friend listening to this song on record endlessly.

 

“Do I Do” - Stevie Wonder

I prefer his ‘70s work over most of his ‘80s work but Stevie still had some momentum in him going into the ‘80s and it really shows in this song.

 

“Tainted Love” - Soft Cell

A new wave rendition of an old song shouldn’t be able to work this well but Soft Cell miraculously pulls it off well. It feels weird to say the same about their cover of The Supremes I heard after it but yeah, that too also works.

 

“I Ran (So Far Away)” - A Flock of Seagulls

And yes, listing all the best songs from this year wouldn’t be complete without mentioning this song. Very close to making it into my Top 10 and if this song couldn’t make it, that’s just a testament as to how awesome this best list is gonna be.

 

THE TOP 10 SONGS OF 1982

Spoiler

If it’s gotta take a shitty and overhyped Fox show to make one of the greatest songs of the ‘80s more accessible to the 2000s kids, so be it.

 

10. “Don’t Stop Believin’” - Journey

 

 

I tried to fight against every argument I had with me putting this song on my Top 10. “It’s overrated.” “It’s overplayed.” “Glee ruined this song.” Literally all of everyone’s criticisms of this song. And despite how hard I fought my instincts, it was hard to deny it. “Don’t Stop Believin’” is still one of the best songs from one of the greatest groups of the ‘80s.

 

This song pretty much has all the ingredients you need to make a killer rock song. From the iconic piano riff to Steve Perry’s legendary powerhouse vocals to the catchy chorus that only comes at the end, you have no idea how surprised I was when I found out this wasn’t even their biggest hit this year.

 

Well, thanks to its exposure from TV shows, whether they be Glee or The Sopranos, it became the one Journey song everyone knows. Digitally, it’s the best-selling song from the 20th century. It has rightfully earned its legacy and earned a spot on my best list. Keep on believin’, Journey.

Spoiler

And while we’re on the topic of near-perfect ‘70s/’80s groups, somewhere Hall & Oates has to fall into the conversation.

 

9. “I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do)” - Hall & Oates

 

 

I’ll be hard-pressed to even find someone who hates Hall & Oates. All the songs I’ve heard from them are very exceptional, especially this one.

 

Hall & Oates have had their sound change over a lot of years from doing soft rock to blue-eyed soul to synth pop like the song you see here. And dare I say, they’ve always sounded their best during this era.

 

What else do I have to say that hasn’t been said? The saxophone solo is excellent, Daryl Hall is a fantastic vocalist, and the bassline here? King of Pop Michael Jackson himself admitted that the bassline from “Billie Jean” was inspired by this song. Inspiring one of the best songs of the ‘80s is doing something right. I’d actually be surprised if this song hasn’t been sampled so many times in the future.

 

Bottom line: Hall & Oates are awesome and this is a song I can definitely go for.

Spoiler

It is very unfortunate that we’re living in times where cops can no longer be trusted. Police brutality has been going on for years and years and people righteously want it to stop right now. Including me. Seriously, fuck the police.

 

And with that being said, I think The Police is one of the greatest bands of the ‘80s.

 

8. “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” - The Police

 

 

Wow, that was one awkward prelude right there, wasn’t it? But we’re not talking about the police here. We’re talking about The Police and this song of theirs that made my list.

 

Now The Police have had a knack for making very dark songs disguised as pretty catchy pop music, the most notable example being “Every Breath You Take” one year after. And while I like that song too, I prefer “Every Little Thing” more because of how ironically happy it sounds. Seriously, the lyrics go into super stalker-lish levels of creepy, yet it still manages to sound like catchy pop music! The chemistry between the two isn't perfect, yet it’s got the perfect guys behind the song.

 

So yeah: All cops are bad. But The Police? Everything they do is magic.

Spoiler

I try to do my best to represent every country on my best lists. America, the United Kingdom, Austra--okay, maybe not that last one quite yet. So that begs the question: Who is representing Canada this year?

 

Well, don’t you worry quite yet, Neighbors of the North. A Canadian band just happened to make one of the best songs of the year.

 

7. “Working for the Weekend” - Loverboy

 

 

I must admit that I have little to no knowledge of this band at all. Makes a little sense considering they were more popular in their own country than America outside radio play and their other hit a year later. And then there’s this song, their most recognizable and my favorite song of theirs.

 

Most of the reasoning I have as to why I love it so much is because, well, I’m more of a workaholic. I totally get the feeling of what it’s like for me to work the whole week, just to make it to the days off I use to make a new romance (as well as working on these lists). I feel every word of this song and I know other people do.

 

But even before I had my job, I thought this song kicked ass. It felt like the kind of song every show or movie with a montage would just eat up. Even Regular Show knows this. Sometimes, Canada knows how to get it right.

 

GET IT RIGHT

Spoiler

Spoiler, but the rest of the list is made of male artists. That being said, there’s one girl group that made this list and one of their songs just happens to have the beat.

 

6. “We Got the Beat” - The Go-Go’s

 

 

“Vacation” may be the group’s quintessential vacation song but I would be lying if I didn’t put this song up or even higher than that song. It literally invokes the feeling of a beach party you would never want to end, complete with the “Wipeout”-like guitar solo in the middle.

 

If you want to perform a song about how you and your group has the beat, you better damn well prove it. And this song definitely gives them enough clout in the female rock--hell, the rock scene in general. It’s perfect enough for no further analysis, so just listen to this song and feel the beat that The Go-Go’s definitely have.

Spoiler

1982 may have been disco’s last breath. By this time, you don’t see a lot of musical acts trying on the disco suit anymore. Like, what were bands like Kool & the Gang even doing after?

 

 

….Kool & the Gang, why?!

 

Despite this fact, there was a disco group this year that still managed to keep disco on life support this year. And this certain group can be described with just three words: Earth, Wind & Fire.

 

5. “Let’s Groove” - Earth, Wind & Fire

 

 

Leave it to Earth, Wind & Fire to make an old genre still sound timeless in a year where it seemed less relevant. See, they didn’t need to give into selling out and changing up their sound to score a Top 10 hit. This has the sound of a song that could easily fit in well enough with the disco peak of 1979. Again, timeless.

 

It would just feel wrong to do this year and just ignore one of Earth, Wind & Fire’s best songs. They’re Earth, Wind & Fire. They’re untouchable. You guys should know this by now.

Spoiler

 

I’m sorry, I do my best to keep my political bias from clouding up my thoughts on a certain artist, but I’m not gonna lie: Knowing that John Mellencamp was a shill for, by far, the worst Democratic candidate of 2020 hurts so bad. Literally why, John?!

 

That being said, I still think most of his music holds up to this very day. Especially this one.

 

4. “Jack & Diane” - John Cougar

 

 

Okay, barring the fact that this guy supported Mike Bloomberg or the fact that he went by “John Cougar” this year for reasons I’m not sure, John Mellencamp still remains one of the most respectable songwriters of this era. And of all his songs, I don’t think there will be another one close to topping this.

 

It’s the most simple of concepts: A tale of two American kids living in small-town America trying to make ends meet. Believe it or not, Mellencamp did not intend for the song to turn out this way. He originally wrote it to be about an interracial couple until he was coaxed by his record company to make it about two American kids instead. So Jack turned from being an African-American husband into an American kid striving to be a (UHH!) football star.

 

And as weird as it is to say it, I think John and the record company made the right decision. After all, this song reached #1 in October. Who knows if this song would have the same fate if he stuck with the original idea? Either way, I still love it to death.

Spoiler

If it takes losing my own sense of morality to talk about great music of the ‘80s, so be it.

 

3. “867-5309/Jenny” - Tommy Tutone

 

 

Now here’s a song that must appear in everyone’s conscious when it comes to ‘80s music, even if it’s just the number in the title. After all, that’s the only part of the song everyone remembers the most, including me.

 

This may as well be “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” all over again, performed with the charm of Loverboy. Glad to see it still holds up well for me, no matter how much the “joke” didn’t.

 

...okay, let’s get to that. As great as this song is, it unfortunately came with a price. The number was so catchy, people kept calling it and the other people who had the number kept getting called, leading to many righteous complaints from people who had the number as well as a death threat to Tommy Tutone themselves. Hopefully, we’ve evolved from what people did in the ‘80s and don’t do shit like this anymore.

 

Though 867-5309 isn’t the only phone number you can apply this too. You can literally sing your phone number to this song and it’d be just as memorable. I should know, I do it all the time. Not that I’m stupid enough to forget my own phone number.

 

But yeah, despite any damage the song may have unintentionally caused, it still holds up today. It is the phone number that’s used in a joke for a TV show or movie. I think it’s influenced the rest of the world. In fact, Tommy Tutone themselves did a holiday remake of the song 27 years later.

 

 

You didn’t think I was gonna talk about the song without talking about this masterpiece, didn’t you?

Spoiler

With all the complaining I did in the worst list about soft rock, you’d think that I’d write off the entire genre completely. Not true. And to illustrate my point, here you go. A goddamn soft rock ballad is my 2nd best song of the year.

 

2. “Open Arms” - Journey

 

 

Did I mention before that I LOVE Journey? If not, let me just state for the record that I LOVE Journey.

 

See, my main problem with ballads in general is that they’re either very underperformed, very boring, or a complete combination of both. And while you’ve got songs like “Hard to Say I’m Sorry” that just bore me to tears, “Open Arms” actually grabs my attention and even moves me. And again, Steve Perry is a powerhouse of a voice. When he says he’s gonna come to you with open arms, it actually sounds sincere.

 

And as anthemic “Don’t Stop Believin’” sounds and is in my Top 5 favorite songs by them, “Open Arms” is my absolute favorite by them. Well actually, next to “Separate Ways” but very close. It was also very close to topping this list, but there was one more song I liked better this year....

Spoiler

…I mean, were you really expecting my #1 song to be anything else? COME ON!

 

1. “Centerfold” - The J. Geils Band

 

 

I know I hate to keep my #1 song so obvious but let’s face it, this is the song that deserved to be #1. Not just on my rankings but on the year-end chart as well. As classic as “Eye of the Tiger” and “I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll” are, they don’t exactly represent a year that signified a change in ‘80s music. But “Centerfold” is just plain fun arena rock. And when it reached #1, I can only imagine that every other artist/band this year tried to reach the same notoriety this song had.

 

I get that most people go to songs like “Don’t Stop Believin’” as the true anthem of the ‘80s, and I don’t disagree, but what gives “Centerfold” an advantage over that song? It has that addicting chant. Yeah, you know the one.

 

It feels very impossible to really analyze this song any further, but for a completely different reason. This was the song that actually got me into ‘80s music. How would it not? It has the exact aura that great music from the ‘80s should have. Everything from the recognizable intro to that even more recognizable chant closing the song off really makes this song into the song everyone should listen to first if they want to get into ‘80s music.

 

I don’t think The J. Geils Band really had much Billboard success after the album Freeze Frame and the two singles that charted from that album but as long as they have this song as part of their legacy, I’d say they did great enough.

 

1, 2, 3, 4!

 

https://ytcropper.com/cropped/Bq5f052e6a50aa9

FULL LIST:

Spoiler
  1. “Centerfold” – The J. Geils Band
  2. “Open Arms” – Journey
  3. “867-5309/Jenny” – Tommy Tutone
  4. “Jack & Diane” – John Cougar
  5. “Let’s Groove” – Earth, Wind & Fire
  6. “We Got the Beat” – The Go-Go’s
  7. “Working for the Weekend” - Loverboy
  8. “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic” - The Police
  9. “I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do)” – Hall & Oates
  10. “Don’t Stop Believin’” - Journey
  11. “I Ran (So Far Away)” - A Flock of Seagulls
  12. “Tainted Love” – Soft Cell
  13. “Do I Do” - Stevie Wonder
  14. “Young Turks” – Rod Stewart
  15. “Don’t You Want Me” – The Human League
  16. “Edge of Seventeen” - Stevie Nicks
  17. “Heat of the Moment” – Asia
  18. “Eye of the Tiger” – Survivor
  19. “Caught Up in You” - .38 Special
  20. “Vacation” - The Go-Go’s
  21. “Kids in America” - Kim Wilde
  22. “Freeze-Frame” – The J. Geils Band
  23. “Somebody’s Baby” - Jackson Browne
  24. “Hurts So Good” – John Cougar
  25. “Private Eyes” – Hall & Oates
  26. “Love Is in Control (Finger on the Trigger)” – Donna Summer
  27. “Our Lips Are Sealed” – The Go-Go’s
  28. “That Girl” – Stevie Wonder
  29. “Don’t Talk to Strangers” – Rick Springfield
  30. “Gloria” - Laura Branigan
  31. “Let It Whip” – Dazz Band
  32. “Turn Your Love Around” – George Benson
  33. “I Love Rock ‘n Roll” – Joan Jett & the Blackhearts
  34. “Shake It Up” – The Cars
  35. “Did It in a Minute” - Hall & Oates
  36. “Do You Believe In Love” – Huey Lewis and the News
  37. “Oh, Pretty Woman” - Van Halen
  38. “Get Down on It” - Kool & the Gang
  39. “The Other Woman” – Ray Parker Jr.
  40. “Think I’m in Love” – Eddie Money
  41. “Hold Me” – Fleetwood Mac
  42. “Harden My Heart” – Quarterflash
  43. “Take It Easy on Me” – Little River Band
  44. “Rosanna” – Toto
  45. “One Hundred Ways” – Quincy Jones featuring James Ingram
  46. “Who Can It Be Now?” – Men at Work
  47. “Waiting for a Girl Like You” – Foreigner
  48. “Love’s Been a Little Bit Hard on Me” – Juice Newton
  49. “Keep the Fire Burnin’” – REO Speedwagon
  50. “Hot in the City” - Billy Idol
  51. “Leather and Lace” – Stevie Nicks and Don Henley
  52. “Making Love” – Roberta Flack
  53. “Only the Lonely” – The Motels
  54. “Take My Heart (You Can Have It If You Want It)” - Kool & the Gang
  55. “I Keep Forgettin’ (Every Time You’re Near)” - Michael McDonald
  56. “Mirror Mirror” - Diana Ross
  57. “Chariots of Fire” – Vangelis
  58. “Should I Do It” - The Pointer Sisters
  59. “Make a Move on Me” - Olivia Newton-John
  60. “It’s Gonna Take a Miracle” - Deniece Williams
  61. “Man on Your Mind” - Little River Band
  62. “Yesterday’s Songs” - Neil Diamond
  63. “Trouble” – Lindsey Buckingham
  64. “Always on My Mind” – Willie Nelson
  65. “Empty Garden (Hey Hey Johnny)” - Elton John
  66. “Love Will Turn You Around” - Kenny Rogers
  67. “You Could Have Been with Me” - Sheena Easton
  68. “Blue Eyes” – Elton John
  69. “Oh No” - Commodores
  70. “The Sweetest Thing (I’ve Ever Known)” – Juice Newton
  71. “Why Do Fools Fall In Love?” – Diana Ross
  72. “Wasted on the Way” – Crosby, Stills & Nash
  73. “Crimson and Clover” - Joan Jett & The Blackhearts
  74. “Goin’ Down” - Greg Guidry
  75. “’65 Love Affair” – Paul Davis
  76. “Waiting on a Friend” - The Rolling Stones
  77. “Through the Years” - Kenny Rogers
  78. “You Should Hear How She Talks About You” – Melissa Manchester
  79. “Personally” – Karla Bonoff
  80. “Any Day Now” - Ronnie Milsap
  81. “What’s Forever For” - Michael Murphey
  82. “Take It Away” - Paul McCartney
  83. “Leader of the Band” – Dan Fogelberg
  84. “I’ve Never Been to Me” – Charlene
  85. “Ebony and Ivory” – Paul McCartney and Stevie Wonder
  86. “Cool Night” – Paul Davis
  87. “Love in the First Degree” – Alabama
  88. “Here I Am” - Air Supply
  89. “Even the Nights Are Better” – Air Supply
  90. “You Can Do Magic” - America
  91. “Key Largo” – Bertie Higgins
  92. “Arthur’s Theme (Best That You Can Do)” - Christopher Cross
  93. “Comin’ In and Out of Your Life” - Barbra Streisand
  94. “Eye in the Sky” – The Alan Parsons Project
  95. “Hooked On Classics” – Royal Philharmonic Orchestra
  96. “Pac-Man Fever” – Buckner & Garcia
  97. “Physical” – Olivia Newton-John
  98. “Hard to Say I’m Sorry” – Chicago
  99. “Sweet Dreams” – Air Supply
  100. “Abracadabra” – Steve Miller Band

 

 

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Abracadabra has to be one of the most boring songs I've ever heard. There's literally absolutely no energy in it, even if that creepy ass lyric wasn't in it. I find few songs as hollow as that one is.

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It's good to see another one these from you since I do miss them.

If you may, I'd like to know your thoughts on:

Ebony and Ivory
Kids in America
Shake It Up
I Love Rock 'n' Roll
Harden My Heart
Make a Move on Me

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Ebony and Ivory - I appreciate Paul and Stevie for making a song about racial harmony, especially in these times when we need it, which is why I didn't put this on the worst list. Still, it is the least interesting song I've ever heard from their careers. I would almost want to listen to "Accidental Racist" over this because at least that's more interestingly bad and not a disappointment from two artists who've both had impressive careers before this.

Kids in America - I think hearing this in the Jimmy Neutron movie might be the reason I've placed this song this high. Still a great song on its own merits though.

Shake It Up - This might not be one of my favorite songs from the group but it's still fine enough pop rock. I'm not close to disliking any Cars songs quite yet.

I Love Rock n Roll - Even though I don't nearly love it as much as people in 1982 did, I definitely understand the appeal to it. Another song that's made to play at so many sporting events.

Harden My Heart - This feels like a song that typically wouldn't make it into my top half and go into like the 50s of my list, but I do like the sax part of the song and the vocalist at least puts some passion into what probably could've been a middle-of-the-road song. I'll spare it.

Make a Move on Me - And speaking of middle-of-the-road songs, we have this. Yeah, despite me saying most of Olivia's songs tend to be too boring, at least she brings a little bit more energy into this song than her mid-'70s songs. I can't get into it that much but I will certainly take it over "Physical" any day.

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Okay! So tomorrow's the start of a new month, also known as "1st of tha Month", so why not celebrate this with reviewing a year-end list with that song on it? Wow, this is starting to turn more into a K-BLUB thread, isn't it? Anyhow, the next year I'm talking about doing here is...

 

1995

 

The boombastic year of 1995. Coming to a thread near you.

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1995 was 25 years ago. 20 years after, I called it one of the best years of the ‘90s. Where did the times come, where did they go?

 

Do I really think this year is bad? Nah, there’s still a few dancey songs on the list that give the year its positivity. Is it one of the best years though? That’s the question I asked myself after listening to the worst songs this year offered. While this year did have a side that provides classics from the mid-‘90s everyone will still remember, it does combat that with an unhealthy amount of boring songs I doubt ‘90s kids won’t bother to remember. And if you’re reading this list right now, you know what we’re dealing with here.

FRED'S BOTTOM 10 HIT SONGS OF 1995

Spoiler

 

I hate having to put Bryan Adams on a worst list of mine. I mean, sure the man’s music did get boring come by the ‘90s and his vendetta with AllMusic is getting out-of-hand, but I actually believe the man has talent. It is evident in his 1984 album, Reckless. So yeah, you can tell how much I’m gonna hate putting Bryan Adams on a worst list of mine...

….so I’m not going to do that. Instead, here’s a guy named Jamie Walters to take his place.

10. “Hold On” – Jamie Walters

 

This guy was apparently an actor on the teen sitcom “Beverly Hills, 90210” and if this song indicates anything, he should’ve stayed an actor instead of writing this half-functional song. Say what you will about Bryan Adams, at least his songs sound like actually finished products. This feels like some sort of demo tape a teen actor would definitely sell in an attempt to jumpstart a musical career. Complete with the lack of singing skills.

 

Oh wait, he technically did have a musical career before when he sang on the theme song of The Heights, a show he starred in. That song hit #1 in 1992 and appeared on the 1993 year-end chart as well, I totally remember now. But at least I understand why that song became a hit. I don’t understand what people could see in this. The song is so unremarkable, it doesn’t even have its own Wikipedia page. If the biggest information site on the internet refuses to acknowledge this song’s existence, I don’t know why I can’t either.

Spoiler

 

When people think of the best girl groups of the entire ‘90s, chances are the first group that’ll come to mind is TLC. Every member of the group is loaded with personality. It’s too bad none of the other girl groups this year shared that personality.

9. “He’s Mine” – MoKenStef

 

It took me a while to figure out what the hell “MoKenStef” meant. Turns out the name was just a combination of all their first names, sort of like a more popular girl group this year, but I digress.

I can always get behind the idea of a “The Boy Is Mine”-ish song if it was handled properly, maybe if the song sounded more bitchy and in-your-face instead of sounding like some C-list R. Kelly/Keith Sweat/Ginuwine/whoever song. Seriously, for a song about which girl this man belongs to, it sure does sound like it’s turning me on. Instead, it’s making me want to turn this song off.

When it comes to defining girl groups this year, give me TLC any day, not their negative energy knockoff.

Spoiler

Okay! So after talking about whoever those two last artists were, what do you say we look at an artist everyone knows? One of the most influential artists of all time. One of the most interesting performers of the ‘80s.

….or at least, she was interesting.

8. “Take a Bow” – Madonna

 

1995 did such a number on most beloved acts from the ‘80s. Michael Jackson, Bon Jovi, Elton John, just to name a few. I don’t think you can really be able to sustain a career into the ‘90s, unless you were someone like Prince.

But we’re not talking about those artists. We’re talking about Madonna here who, for some reason, decided to forgo her interesting music for easy-listening music in the ‘90s. I wouldn’t even call this easy-listening music because it’s hard to listen to this song without falling asleep a minute in.

You know what the saddest part is though? Unlike the musicians above, I actually believed Madonna could’ve made a fine ‘90s artist! Even in the era of Mariah Carey, Madonna could’ve spent her time making dance music or something. I would definitely take that over this song, which of course was a big hit this year. Further proving my theory that any song released with the Madonna Seal of Approval can get popular, no matter how boring it really is. Guess we’ll have to wait until the 2000s for her bad music to make an outrageous comeback.

 

Spoiler

 

About four years back, I did a year-end retrospective on 1991 and one of my worst songs that year was “Because I Love You (The Postman Song)” by Stevie B. I believe on that worst list, I said something among the lines of Stevie B being a talentless no-name who would go with Timmy T into the void of no-name freestyle singers who somehow had a #1 song that year.

Four years later and I couldn’t be any more wrong.

7. “Dream About You” – Stevie B

 

Okay, maybe this is nowhere near as insufferable as “The Postman Song” but damn, is it just as pointless. AllMusic allegedly describes him as the “King of Freestyle” but so far, I only hear a low-rent Phil Collins. Is that what freestyle is supposed to sound like? Even Lisa Lisa did more justice to the genre than this guy. Yeah, I went there.

I just really don’t want to talk about this song or this guy anymore. Because there is nothing interesting to say about this guy anymore. Nothing. Not a thing about this man is worth talking about.

https://www.masslive.com/news/2011/10/dance-music-performer-stevie-b-busted.html

Except for the fact that he was arrested for unpaid child support. Anything else of note?

 

He collaborated with Pitbull?! How did I not talk about this during my 1991 retrospective?

Well, those are the only two things that’ll actually intrigue me about the guy. But nothing else. Not even his music. There, now I’m done talking about Stevie B or Timmy T or Ali G, whatever that guy’s name is.

Spoiler

It may be because I’m not really religious but I seriously do not get Christian pop.

6. “I Believe” – Blessid Union of Souls

 

At least I’m pretty sure these guys are Christian pop. I mean, the word “blessed” is kind of in the name of their group and the lyrics allude that God will find a way for everyone. But then Wikipedia tells me that they’re an alternative rock band and I just start shaking my head in confusion.

Here’s the thing: I wouldn’t be against the idea of this song, especially in these times where we truly need love in the world right now. What kills the song for me is how lead singer Eliot Sloan sounds throughout the whole song, especially the chorus. Say what you want about Stevie B, at least he doesn’t sound like his nose is stuffed up throughout the whole song.

There is no way these guys perform alternative rock. Is there any other songs these guys did I might know about?

 

This…actually doesn’t sound so bad? It’s no masterpiece but I certainly do like these guys better when they’re performing stuff like this. They may not be a Gin Blossoms but I could certainly buy them as a discount Nine Days. I’d take anything from them that’s not boring religious crap. I think there’s something in the Ten Commandments about this kind of music: “Thou Shall Not Suck”.

Spoiler

…I mean, they’re both the same artist, why not bring them up in the same entry?

5. “Don’t Take It Personally (Just One of Dem Days)” – Monica

 

4. “Baby” – Brandy

 

Two ladies. One name. Six letters. Boring music. They’re the exact same artist.

Okay, maybe in 1995, the quality of the artists were a bit distinguishable. Monica had the smallest presence while Brandy simultaneously had a bigger and somehow much more obnoxious presence. She had four songs this year and while her other three songs this year ranged from okay to meh, “Baby” was incompetent enough for me to place it on this list.

And you know, maybe I would be more forgiving to these two artists (although less forgiving of Brandy) if we didn’t already have a much better singer in Aaliyah.

 

Maybe it’s because I didn’t do a year she was featured in yet but I seriously underestimated the impact Aaliyah has made in R&B, and while Brandy and Monica technically aren’t bad singers, they’re cheap and phony compared to the real deal in Aaliyah. Rest in peace to Aaliyah, who is gone but not forgotten. Opposed to Brandy and Monica who are both forgotten and forgotten.

Spoiler

 

Whoomp, there it is. Such a stupid song that is. It is everything I should hate about jock jams. It is too annoying, it is too loud, and yet…….I don’t hate it.

I mean, it’s certainly not the best of jock jams. It’s not even the most creative of jock jams. Yet there still is something about the phrase “Whoomp, there it is” that’s catchy enough to be lodged in your head forever. And after the song ends, you’re never ever going to forget it. Whoomp, there it is. Whoomp, there it is. Whoomp, there it is…

But that’s only one theory as to why I don’t hate it. It could also be the fact that there were worse jock jams around the time that tried to replicate the song’s success and failed in doing so. Example:

3. “Tootsee Roll” – 69 Boyz

 

I’m not sure exactly what it is that differentiates this song from “Whoomp”. So why exactly do I hate this one but don’t hate the other? Well, say this about “Whoomp”, it actually has a little bit of substance. Not a whole lot of it but at least it feels like there are some verses and an unforgettable chorus that make it sound like an actual song. “Tootsee Roll” is just noise. It feels like the rough draft of a jock jam that was rushed by its release date. So fill the rest of the song up with typical dance tropes! “Slide to the left, slide to the right”, just take everything from other or even better dance songs.

There is absolutely no use for this song. I certainly haven’t heard it at any sporting events or birthday parties and I certainly never want to hear it again. So just push it to the left, to the left, to the left.

(Also, “69 Boyz”? Did you seriously go to the same school LMFAO went to when it comes to group names?)

Spoiler

 

When it comes to band careers, I think Van Halen’s will certainly go down as the most interesting. The group has gone through so many sound and frontman changes throughout the years, all the way from the David Lee Roth era to…..whatever the hell the Gary Cherone era was. But I think the era people will recognize the most, for better or worse, is Van Hagar.

 

You can either argue that Van Halen got even better or just more overwrought and terrible when Sammy Hagar joined. I personally don’t really hate it. Sure, they were much, much better with David Lee Roth in charge but I wouldn’t go out of my way to say the entirety of Van Hagar was terrible either. “Right Now”, for example, is one of my favorite songs by them.

At the same time though, I do understand how people would get tired of hearing the same type of song they do over and over again. It can get very old quick. Let’s hear Van Halen perform something……..nice for a change.

2. “Can’t Stop Lovin’ You” – Van Halen

 

I’m not exactly sure what the general consensus on this song was so I can’t tell if what I’m gonna say is an unpopular opinion, but this is the worst song I’ve ever heard in the Sammy Hagar era. It may not be the worst in general but it certainly comes so damn close.

An idea of a song like this shouldn’t sound terrible, but every amount of goodwill this song might bring is taken away when Sammy Hagar starts howling over this very simplistic, happy-sounding song. I may never have found Hagar to be the best vocalist but he certainly does sound better singing songs that had an edge over love songs. Is that seriously Sammy Hagar’s only tone of voice? Angry caterwauling?

And if the music was any better, I’d be easier on it. While I don’t mind the bass riff, Eddie Van Halen’s guitar sounds surprisingly horrible at the beginning of the song. I suppose it sounds better for the rest of the song but dear god, that opening. It just sounds like the guitar is yearning for Van Halen’s glory days like I am.

I wasn’t expecting this song to grate on me so much later on. I wasn’t expecting the song to make it this high on my worst list, but somehow, Sammy Hagar always finds a way to divert my expectations.

Spoiler

To those who know me well, you should already know that my favorite decade of music is the ‘80s. No matter how many steps down the latter part of the decade took, I will still defend it as the most innovative decade, especially the mid-‘80s era where everything was operating at a higher level than before. Seriously, I can tell you that a lot of my Spotify library consists of songs that came out around that time.

So with how passionate I am about the ‘80s and my favorite songs, let me bring up the topic of cover songs. Usually, I don’t mind if a song gets covered. Sometimes, a cover could be just as good as the original, even better, or somehow worse. And if there was a cover song out there of one of my favorite songs of the ‘80s that just flat out pisses me off, good lord, will I tell you.

1. “Total Eclipse of the Heart” – Nicki French

 

I know most of you people know the reason why a dance cover of “Total Eclipse of the Heart” does not work but I’ll explain it for readers who don’t know why.

Here is the original:

 

“Total Eclipse of the Heart” by Bonnie Tyler is one of the best songs of 1983 and the ‘80s in general. It’s a melancholic ballad with incredible lush instrumentation backed up by the powerhouse vocals in Bonnie Tyler. So what does it take to ruin the song for me? Turn it into a club anthem! Because clearly 1995 didn’t have enough club anthems.

I know 1995 was mostly a year where most of its music took place on the dance floor but couldn’t there be another way to have fun without ruining a much better song in the process? The epic piano-fueled instrumentation in the original was replaced in favor of a generic dance beat and Nicki French never was and never will be a Bonnie Tyler, no matter how hard she tries to. Just a complete failure.

Once upon a time, I fell in love with the song “Total Eclipse of the Heart”. But listening to this version makes me fall apart. The people behind this idea should be ashamed in themselves, and so should the ‘90s. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to turn my bright eyes away from this cover and listen to the actually great music this year had to offer.

 

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