The SpongeBob Theorist

[Joe Biden]

Coming soon to an SBC near you. First theory will be:

What if Sandy Cheeks died as a child?

 

(and don't worry, I won't abandon this like I did with my PatBack lit)

Edited June 5, 2018 by jjsthekid

[Rebel the Wolfgirl]

oh god

if this is gonna be a game theory parody (which is obvi)

i'm sold

[Joe Biden]

(WARNING: My theories were meant to be messed up so don't take it all too seriously. I am not ruining your favorite show, I'm just making this for fun.)

 

Episode 1: What if Sandy Cheeks died as a child?

 

Hello! My name is The SpongeBob Theorist! I answer hypothetical SpongeBob questions with fucked up theories so you don't have to! Now the first question that's on everyone's mind is, you guessed it, "What if Sandy died at a young age?" And would it have a big impact on Bikini Bottom? Well, here's my take on what happened.

 

Sandy was about 5 years old when it happened. Ma Cheeks, the mother of Sandy, was just strolling her along when she realized that she left her Homemade Peas in a Can Pie in the oven for too long. She ran back into the house and left Sandy on the stroller, where it rolled off of the hill and landed in the middle of the street. Unfortunately, her father, Pa Cheeks, was driving too recklessly as an attempt to audition to be a NASCAR driver and ran over Sandy by accident, killing the poor squirrel. Afterwards, he was sentenced to the electric chair but we managed to get a final clip before he finally met up with the Devil.

 

Pa Cheeks: I swears! I didn't means to run over my own daughter! But in my own defense, I honed all of my driving skills from NASCAR, which I was auditioning for to become a world famous driver like Dale Earnhardt! I also drove back from the bar super drunk because so many gay Muslim Mexicans pissed me off, so I had to kill 'em! Please don't kill me...

 

So what happened with Bikini Bottom after Sandy's death, you may ask? Well, without Sandy, SpongeBob never honed any of her excellent karate skills and stood a Level 1 scrub. He also never knew much about science because Sandy was the only person he knew that could teach him. Randy, Sandy's older brother, fulfilled Sandy's dream of meeting up with underwater sea creatures by putting on a space suit and heading underwater to meet up with SpongeBob and the rest of the citizens below the sea. He never knew much about karate as much as he did about race-car driving so he became SpongeBob's boating mentor. Unfortunately, since all he knew about driving was from NASCAR, the techniques SpongeBob learned from Randy ended up killing themselves driving recklessly into a brick wall. The Flying Dutchman eventually found their bodies and sent them down to Davy Jones' Locker.

 

DA END

 

Well, that's my theory. Thoughts?

 

My next theory will be on Plankton and what would've happened if he actually captured the formula. Coming soon. Until then, I'm The SpongeBob Theorist! I answer hypothetical SpongeBob questions with fucked up theories so you don't have to!

[Joe Biden]

no I did not bail on this spin-off at all it's still going

 

Episode 2: What if Plankton captured the formula?

 

Hello! My name is The SpongeBob Theorist! I steal Nostalgia Critic quotes so you don't have to! Our next theory was requested by a man who doesn't exist named Adam Fishman. Fishman asks: "What if Plankton successfully captured the Krabby Patty formula? And would this have a major effect on Bikini Bottom?" Well, Mr. Fishman, I can confirm with you that, yes, Bikini Bottom would be a much different town. Here's how I think it would go down.

 

One night, Mr. Krabs locked up The Krusty Krab doors because, as you guessed it, it was closing time. Unfortunately, Mr. Krabs forgot to turn on the security system he always enables at night to protect burglars (or rather, burger-lars) from breaking into The Krusty Krab and steal the Krabby Patties and the recipe on how to make them. Plankton was one of the lucky ones. He slipped under the cracks and entered The Krusty Krab, with nobody batting an eye. He managed to find the formula hidden in his safe, because I don't know where the fuck else Krabs would keep it at. The Pickles section? I dunno. After finally finding the legit formula, Plankton does his "Genius Dance" for 10 minutes until he grabs the formula, takes the recipe out of the bottle, puts a paper that says "Suck my green Plankton penis, Krabs!" inside the bottle, and teleports back to The Chum Bucket unharmed.

 

By next morning, The Chum Bucket was chock full of customers, dying to taste his delectable "Plankton Patties". Needless to say, it was a huge hit for the Bikini Bottomites. I got Perch Perkins to interview him about it.

 

Perch Perkins: Plankton, I have no idea how you managed to make something this delicious after most of your customers declaring your food to be "absolute shit". How did you manage to perfect your culinary art skills?

Plankton: Oh, you know. Magic. The best part is, I never got it from another restaurant at all!

 

*narration*: That part was a lie.

 

Perch: Well, how do you feel about your rival business, The Krusty Krab, going out of business because of their lack of customers?

Plankton: Well, to be honest, Perch, I do feel kinda bad for my business rival, Eugene Krabs. It's not hard to sympathize with someone who's facing financial troubles, along with having your business being shut down.

 

*narration*: Plankton is still a notorious liar. In fact, I can guarantee you guys that every sentence he said in this interview was an absolute lie. In fact, he sabotaged the tape for this interview, editing it to seem like he's actually telling the truth to Perch, when in reality, he's really lying.

 

After one full day, he got a total of two hundred and probably more dollars. And unlike Mr. Krabs, he actually used it all for something. This is where it gets serious....

 

(Soundtrack: It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine) by R.E.M.)

 

The next day, Bikini Bottom was turned into "Planktopolis". All citizens lived under Plankton's rules and obeyed his every command. SpongeBob, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs all became powerless against Plankton. It was raining birds, snakes, and seaplanes, and Lenny Bruce was definitely afraid. Plankton had finally won. But did it actually turn out for the best?

 

A few days later, while Mr. Krabs was tending to every one of Plankton's needs, he finally gave out and passed away. Although Plankton had won, he never wanted to win it with his business rival dead. With guilt and remorse (and he's actually not lying here), he goes into a time machine he had also built with his money and goes back to the day he did steal the formula to warn Past Plankton about the consequences that will arise if he continues to steal the formula. Past Plankton never listens so Plankton shoots him with a laser beam, killing him dead.

 

He then decided to shut down The Chum Bucket and start a new venture: selling real estate, which in Bikini Bottom, has no real competition at all. He made amends with all the people he did wrong, and they all decided to accept Plankton as a decent human being.

 

.......that is, until the Future Plankton goes into the present and warns him about the consequences about selling real estate but honestly, who even gives a damn?

 

DA END?

DA END.

 

Well, that's my theory. Thoughts? 

 

My next theory will be something interesting I can think up. I will continue to examine Bikini Bottom until I can find a conspiracy to solve. Until then, I'm The SpongeBob Theorist! I question my own sanity so you don't have to!

 

[Joe Biden]

Episode 3: What if the show had a character named Bieber Tentacles?

 

Hello! I'm The SpongeBob Threorist! I get sued by The Nostalgia Critic so you don't have to! This question comes to us from Joshua, a fan of the show and immense Squidward hater. He writes:

Quote

Dear Mr. Theorist,

I have an idea for a SpongeBob episode for Season 12. I call it "Squidward vs. Bieber Tentacles" and it's about Squidward fighting this new character named Bieber Tentacles. This new character gets back at Squidward for his constant abuse towards SpongeBob and Patrick in earlier episodes of the series. I hate Squidward so much and I wanna roast Squidward on the grill and eat him for dinner!

Also, could you guys get the writers to remake "Good Neighbors" to have Squidward's mother punish him for calling SpongeBob and Patrick the worst neighbors ever? If so, thank you.

Love,

Joshua Dufurrena

Well, I don't think it would be possible for the latter to happen, but we did make a Bieber Tentacles episode just for you! In fact, here it is.

 

Squidward vs. Bieber Tentacles

Written by:

The SpongeBob Theorist

Directed by:

The SpongeBob Theorist

 

It was a normal day in Bikini Bottom and Squidward does what every boring guy does: He watches the news.

 

Perch Perkins: BREAKING NEWS: There is someone out on the loose named Bieber Tentacles and he is looking for somebody named "Squidward Tentacles". Here is a photograph of what he looks like:

Note the Superjail Warden hat, the pink hoodie, and the yellow shoes he wears. If you see a person like this, he is most likely to be Bieber. If there's a Squidward Tentacles out there, I would run or move away if I were you! That's all for the news, now here's the weath--(Squidward shuts TV off)

 

Squidward: Oh shit! I've gotta move somewhere else fast before he gets to me!

 

The first place he moves to is Sandy's treedome. He begins knocking on her door very loudly.

 

Squidward: Sandy, let me in! Let me in now! Someone's chasing after me and I need to stay somewhere else now! Help!

Sandy: Alright, dammit!

 

Sandy opens the door to let Squidward in.

 

Sandy: So what brings ya here, Squidward?

Squidward: I've got somebody coming after me. I don't know what I did to him but he wants my blood and I need to hide somewhere that's not my house!

Sandy: Really? What's his name? I bet I can take him on faster than Tony Fast!

Squidward: Bieber Tentacles.

Sandy: Bieber Tentacles? I'm a huge fan of that guy! "Baby", "Sorry", and "What Do U Mean" are some of my favorites from him! How did you find out about this?

Squidward: I heard it on the news.

Sandy: Wow, I bet you're a pretty boring guy. I also bet that you're one of those anti-Bieber people who somehow still complain about him in 2018! Get out of here, you non-Belieber!

 

Sandy kicks Squidward out of her treedome. The next place he decides to hide at is The Krusty Krab. Even though he hates working there, he'll do anything to get away from Bieber Tentacles.

 

Squidward: Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs!

Mr. Krabs: Mr. Squidward? What are you doing here? You don't have a shift today!

Squidward: I, uh, decided that I wanted to work here more so I'm going to start working on Saturdays now.

Mr. Krabs: Great! We already have someone working as a cashier but if you do want to help, you can set up the chairs and soundstage!

Squidward: Ummm, what?

Mr. Krabs: Didn't you hear, Mr. Squidward? Bieber Tentacles is coming here to The Krusty Krab to perform a concert! Isn't that great?

Squidward: Wait, a concert?! How come I didn't know about this?

Mr. Krabs: I told both you and SpongeBob about it a few days ago.

 

(flashback to a few days ago)

Mr. Krabs: Attention, Krusty Krab crew! We've got an important day coming up this Saturday! The great Bieber Tentacles is coming here to perform a concert and I'm gonna need both of you to help set it up!

SpongeBob: Hooray! A Bieber Tentacles concert! Aren't you excited, Squidward?

(Squidward is snoring)

(flashback over)

 

Squidward: You know what, Mr. Krabs? I changed my mind. I actually have a thing tonight so I can't make it!

Mr. Krabs: Well, okay, but I'm docking your pay!

Squidward: You never pay us anyway!

Mr. Krabs: Oh yeah, good point.

 

Squidward runs from The Krusty Krab. Out of other options, he decides to hide under the only place Bieber probably wouldn't find Squidward: Patrick's rock.

 

Patrick: Whoa, Squidward! What are you doing here? Are we finally having a sleepover?

Squidward: Well, I have no other choice. I need to go someplace where Bieber Tentacles can't find me.

Patrick: Who?

Squidward: Wait, you don't know who he is?

Patrick: Uhh, no? Can't say I've ever heard of that guy.

Squidward: Phew! Well, I can't believe I'm saying this but Patrick..........can I stay over here until he leaves?

Patrick: Yay! It's a sleepover! I'll set up the guest bed!

Squidward: Well, thank you, Patrick! I'm starting to think that you're okay now. I'm gonna see what you have in the kitchen now.

 

As Patrick makes the guest bed, someone knocks on the rock.

 

Patrick: Hello? Who's this?

???: Oh, me? Well, I'm going around Bikini Bottom giving everyone a census test and I would like to test you right now. Anyone who completes it gets a lollipop!

Patrick: A lollipop? I'm in!

???: Okay, first question. Do you live with a person named "Squidward Tentacles"? If so, could you bring him to me?

Patrick: Why, yes I do! I'll bring him here right now!

 

(Squidward is still in the kitchen)

Squidward: Ugh, there's nothing but sand in this fridge. I can't eat anything like this!

Patrick: Hey, Squidward! There's some guy who wants to see you for some reason!

Squidward: Oh, no no no no no no no no, Patrick! Please don't answer the--

 

The "census guy" turns out to be none other than Bieber Tentacles, voiced by Justin Bieber himself.

 

Bieber Tentacles: Well, eenie meenie miney moe, if it isn't Squidward Technicals!

Squidward: That's Testicles--I mean, Tortellini--I mean, Tennisballs--I mean, Tentacles!

Bieber: Well, whatever it is, I've came to kill you, shawty! I've watched every episode of this show and I had it with every time you abused SpongeBob and Patrick in the series. Like that time you called them bad neighbors in one episode...

 

(Flashback to "Good Neighbors")

SpongeBob: Gee, Patrick, do you think Squidward was trying to tell us something?

Squidward: [angrily busts head through the door, exploding] Yes, I was! You call yourselves good neighbors?! You're the worst neighbors ever! [deep breath] You don't deserve to wear those fezzes! [furiously takes SpongeBob & Patrick's hats and angrily stomps them into the ground]

SpongeBob: Gee, Pat, maybe president Squidward's right.

Patrick: Yeah, I guess we aren't good neighbors after all.

Squidward: [furiously explodes once again] No, you aren't! You're horrible neighbors! [he angrily hyperventilates] And stop calling me president!

SpongeBob: C'mon, let's go. [SpongeBob and Patrick sadly walk away]

(Flashback ends)

 

....and then there was that one time you read his diary...

 

(Flashback to "Little Yellow Book")

Nat: There he is! That diary reader! [Group of fish holding tomatoes show up] Let's get him!

Crowd: Yeah! [Shouting angrily at Squidward]

SpongeBob: People, people. Stop your assault. Through my art, as an author, I have forgiven Squidward.

Nat: Oh yeah, did you know he's reading your personal diary? [Squidward laughs while holding reading the diary]

SpongeBob: Squidward! How could you?!

[SpongeBob bursts into tears, then runs away once again. After SpongeBob runs away, the crowd throws tomatoes at Squidward yelling at him]

Squidward: I don't care. This is so worth it! [Squidward laughs]

(Flashback ends)

 

....and then there was that episode where you turned themselves against each other!

 

(Flashback to "Naughty Nautical Neighbors)

Squidward Bubble: [mimicking Patrick] SpongeBob, I no longer wish to know you. [SpongeBob gasps] You give bottom dwellers a bad name.

[Squidward creates several other bubbles and they float over to SpongeBob]

Squidward Bubble: [mimicking Patrick] If I had a dollar for every brain you don't have, I'd have one dollar!

[Squidward laughs. Another bubble floats over to Patrick]

Squidward Bubble: [mimicking SpongeBob] Hey, Patrick, I heard there was a job opening down at the pet shop... as some newspaper!

Patrick: [stands up and yells at SpongeBob] Well, that makes you a big dummy, you dummy!

SpongeBob: [stands up and yells at Patrick] Yeah, well, that means that, uhh... so are you!

Patrick: Right, you're a turkey!

SpongeBob: What's that? [Squidward arrives outside with a lawn chair and his soufflé]

Patrick: It's what you are!

[Squidward begins to laugh hysterically at SpongeBob and Patrick's arguing.]

SpongeBob: Well, you're a bigger one!

Patrick: Well, you're still yellow! And you know what else is yellow?

SpongeBob:What?

Patrick: You are!

SpongeBob: Oh, yeah? Well, it doesn't matter what you call me, 'cause I never wanna see you again anyway! [he goes inside through the back door and turns around] Aww, tartar sauce! [shuts door]

(Flashback ends)

 

I could name a million other bad things you've done to them over the past few years! To bring justice to SpongeBob and Patrick, I came to punish you.........by killing you! The world needs one less lonely cephalopod.

Squidward: But I made up with Patrick now! I'm cool with him now!

Bieber: Oh, bullshit. I know you're lying just to get me to stop killing you. Well, guess what?! It's too late to say sorry.

Squidward: Okay, can you just stop with the puns based off of all your songs?

Bieber: Never! Never say never!

Squidward: Wait, you just said--

Bieber: Prepare to die!

Patrick: Wait, where's my lollipop?

 

(A battle begins between Squidward and Bieber, with this as epic background music. Bieber uses a sword to fight Squidward while Squidward uses his clarinet as a sword to fight Bieber. It lasts for about 2 minutes until Bieber cuts Squidward's clarinet with his sword and points it towards Squidward.)

 

Bieber: Okay, Squidward. Time for you to head to Davy Jones' Locker! Say "hi" to the Dutchman for me! (laughs)

 

(A record scratch plays as Bieber's watch starts beeping, interrupting the battle.)

 

Bieber: Son of a bitch! It's 9pm! I'm supposed to be performing at The Krusty Krab right now!

Squidward: So are you saying that you forfeit? Take that, pussy!

Bieber: (sighs) I'm not forfeiting, dammit. I have to perform a damn concert. Forget the battle, I guess. For punishment, you're not allowed to go to my concert! Ha! Take that!

Squidward: Okay, then.

Bieber: Don't think that we're done though! I'll be back one day to end your life! (laughs)

 

The next day, Squidward is watching the news when a story about Bieber's concert last night came on.

 

Perch Perkins: The Bieber Tentacles concert last night was, indeed, a disaster. After his first intermission, Bieber was shown signs of being intoxicated. He slurred some of his songs, barfed on some of the audience members, and peed on some of them. After this embarrassing incident, he was sentenced to 20 years in prison. Needless to say, that Squidward guy doesn't need to worry about him until 20 years. That is, if he lives that long.

Squidward: Well, looks like I got lucky this time. I don't have to worry about the idiot for 20 years! (laughs)

 

A knocking is heard on Squidward's door. Squidward answers the door.

 

Squidward: Patrick?! What are you doing here?

Patrick: Could you help me find that lollipop guy?

Squidward: Go. Away. (slams door in Patrick's face)

 

THE END

 

Welp, that's my episode. Thoughts?

 

I'll see you guys next time when I come up with a new theory or new episode. Until then, I'm The SpongeBob Theorist! I need to come up with a more clever catchphrase so you don't have to!