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Crazy Celes


Metal Snake

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Episode 6: Not What She Seems

 

“Lol GF reference” SOF joked at the title.

 

Well, that’s one question from the end of the last chapter answered. What about the SBCers who were captured then?

 

The SBCers were shown to be locked in a cell as Renegade was playing unfitting music, annoying them with tunes from Daniel Johnston’s Yip Jump! Album.

 

“Why do I like this stuff?” Renegade asked them.

 

“I think that’s the smartest thing you’ve ever asked.” Hayden snarked.

 

“What’s going on?” Jjs asked the warden guarding the cell. “I thought you were going to torture us.”

 

“This is the torture!” the warden exclaimed giddily. “Ah ha ha ha ha!”

 

Check. So what about Kim Jong-un’s sister stealing the Olympics?

 

“She failed miserably!” Crazy Celes yelled, dressed in a sports uniform inside of a stadium, holding the US women’s hockey trophy. “Turns out she’s better at stealing from her own people!”

 

Well, I guess that’s everything off our list.

 

“th-that’s all folks?!” SOF yelled in a Porky Pig voice.

 

“No, that is not all folks…” a shadowy figure in a familiar uniform said upon approaching SOF, who, in response, gasped.

 

“You!” he yelled. “A random character I can’t name for the plot’s sake!”

 

The random character then used their space and time powers to cause a note to float up from a nearby cliff and into SOF’s face.

 

“What’s this for?” he asked as he peeled it off his face with his newly found Yo-Kai unicorn magic and looked at it.

 

“To pay for the damage done to the studio!” the random character yelled, pointing to the animation studio that had its window broken from the gun that flew into it.

 

“But that wasn’t my fault!” SOF insisted. “It was the gun’s!”

 

*one tasteless gun control joke (edited out by jjsthekid) later*

 

“Hey,” said Jjs, unhappy with that jab, “don’t act like I’m 4Kidz. I just edit what SOF gives me.”

 

SOF, in a panic, tried to run. However, he slipped off the cliff and fell.

 

“nnnnnooooo” he cried. “oh wait, I have a freeze ray in my pocket. plus i’m dead and can teleport”

 

SOF then used his magic to teleport back to the crashed plane, only to see a horrifying sight lying before his eyes. The squad of Korean soldiers who had gone to investigate it earlier had all been killed, and were now lying down in a large, gelatinous pool of red goo. Despite all being armed with guns, they had all been cut to pieces with some kind of blade…

 

“this is awful :(“ SOF remarked. “ms, gun control jokes are not funny”

 

Even worse, unbeknownst to SOF, the same creature that had killed the soldiers was now heading towards the cell where the SBCers were being kept…

 

“Alright, I feel that’s enough tunes for one day.” Renegade said, turning off his music player and leading the SBCers with him to sigh in relief. “So, anyone up for reading one of my lits?”

 

“AAAGGGHHH!” the SBCers yelled in frustration.

 

“I’d like to read a lit where I get to tell you to shut up, does that count?” Wumbo snarked.

 

Soon, however, everyone in the cell fell silent as they could hear the sound of screaming mixing with the sound of the slicing of a blade coming from outside. The warden outside shrieked as the severed head of a prison guard was thrown his way, and the SBCers quivered in fear as they saw a monster, a giant, robotic, anthropomorphic praying mantis with two blood-splattered metal blades for hands slice the warden in two from the head down. Blood gushed out of his remains for a short while before becoming a thick, gooey substance on the floor. The mantis then turned to the SBCers and gave them an evil grin.

 

“You all don’t look too jelly…” the mantis creature said in Spongetron’s voice. “What’s the matter…”

 

The mantis taunted them, sticking its blade through one of the bars, frightening the SBCers even more.

 

“Can you not take the edge?!”

 

Is this the end of the SBCers?!

 

“Seems that way.” Terminoob intervened. “According to a leak online, we’re not going to be involved with future arcs in the series.”

 

Is there any point in reading the next episode now that terminoob spoiled it for everyone? Find out next time on Dragon Ball Super!

 

Terminoob sighed in response.

 

“They should’ve just stopped after Cell got his ass kicked by Gohan…” he said in bemusement.

 

Adrian and Felix were then shown to still be in the studio with Elasticorn, bemused themselves.

 

“I wish they had just stopped after Celes got her ass kicked by us…” they said with a sigh.  

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Episode 7: Peace Propaganda Cartoon

 

“All I want for Christmas is peace on earth!” Crazy Celes exclaimed. “That’s better than being selfish like Kim Yo-jong, so I should get more ways to cause mayhem than her!”

 

“Hey, I thought you were knocked out in the studio.” Felix brought up.

 

“This is just a “cutaway gag” like the joke about Kim Jong’s sister in the last episode,” retorted Celes, “it’s not canon. Jokes aren’t the only thing I steal from Family Guy, you know!”

 

“Well, no shit.” Adrian chimed in with a rejoinder. “You also stole their remarkable lack of class, tact, and elegance.”

 

“Fuck off, the Russian collusion episode was amazing!” Celes yelled. “Thanks to it, I now have the best idea for a plot twist! In the style of And Then There Were Less, instead of one of the SBC members being a killer, one of them will turn out to be a Russian hacker!”

 

“What’s the problem with just having one of the members be a killer?” Felix questioned. “Surely a murder mystery is more interesting than Russian hacking.”

 

“Because if it was about a killer, terminoob would spoil it!” Celes exclaimed. “Plus, one of the SBC members has already become a murderer! Remember the robot insect that attacked them at the end of the last chapter?”

 

“What?” terminoob responded. “You’re kidding...it wasn’t me? -.- And to think I spent my whole life believing I was a robot insect...”

 

“Jesus, how long is this opening gag?” Adrian remarked in bemusement. “When are we finally going to get to the start of the actual fucking episode?”

 

“It’s called EXPOSITION!” Celes screamed. “It’s done in the style of ATTWL 3, where everyone just stood around yapping away while serious shit was going down. And don’t you dare say, “I know it’s a joke, but it’s not done right!”. If the joke was done right, it wouldn’t be a true homage to the source material, and therefore, it wouldn’t be funny!”

 

“If the joke was done right, it wouldn’t be funny?” Felix replied in confusion.

 

As the three continued to quibble amongst themselves, a sigh could be heard as it was revealed that everything the trio was doing in the opening gag was just a show being watched by a network executive on his computer. He was in his office on the highest floor of a tall building, and outside the window behind him, a tall tower of equal stature could be seen nearby.

 

“I’m just going to skip to the good part…” he spoke with a Japanese accent as he scrolled his right hand over to the mouse, revealing that he wore a bracelet with an inscription that could partially be made out as, “      chati”...

 

And so, we are finally treated to what became of the SBC members after their encounter with the robot mantis…

 

Immediately after the mantis had finished taunting the members, she used her blades to slice through the bars and moved towards them, grinning at them menacingly with a slasher smile on her face.

 

“Uh, guys, I think we should get out of here. O.O” hilaryfan80 remarked.

 

“So let me get this straight-” Steel tried to say before he was cut off by his head getting cut off.

 

“If you want to run, run!” the mantis taunted them again. “Don’t talk! In the words of Monty Python and the Holy Grail, get on with it!”

 

The panicked members began to flee, having the chance to escape as the mantis gave them a head start, wanting some more challenging victims. Unfortunately, one of the members got his feet stuck in the jelly from the corpses of the Korean guards.

 

“Oh my, aren’t you one fast little Canadian?” the monster jeered, as it was revealed the stuck member was Wumbo.

 

“Just get it over with…” Wumbo responded with a sigh of defeat. “I’m honestly looking forward to the sweet embrace of death now. At least I won’t have to worry about any more bad songs cluttering my head...or anyone biting my head off over me complaining about those bad songs that they like...”

 

With that said, the robot mantis proceeded to bite Wumbo’s head off and eat it. After chewing it, swallowing, and burping in satisfaction, the creature said…

 

“Splendid morsel. He had nerves of steel...steel…”

 

The creature then looked over at Steel’s decapitated head and had an idea of what to do with the rest of his body…

 

“While I want to have fun with this, I’ll need as many Yo-Kai partners as I can get before I go to deliver the message of peace to this country…” the creature revealed a part of its plan forebodingly. “If you want peace, you have to prepare for a war first…”

 

The mantis then maniacally smeared of her jelly on the end of Steel’s before taking it over to Wumbo’s still standing body.

 

“It’s all part of the game…” she said sinisterly as she put Steel’s head down on the body…

 

“So apparently that creature thinks this is a video game now.” Jjs casually remarked as he and the others continued to flee through the prison.

 

“If this is a video game, tell me where the plug is so I can pull it...WOAH!” JCM was making a joke before he tripped from not paying attention while running from the now surprisingly laidback SBCers and knocked a plug out of its electrical outlet. Somehow, not only did all the power in the prison go dead with all the lights shutting off, but all the power in the party mansion went off too. Inside the mansion, a Korean partygoer, who was playing a Pokemon game on his Nintendo 3DS, gave a disgruntled look as all the lights went out.

 

“When did I say I wanted to play the game blind?” he said sarcastically.

 

“I totally didn’t expect myself to do something that dumb.” JCM announced to his bemused partners.

 

“I totally did.” Hayden snarkily retorted as Jjs tried to put the plug back in its outlet despite it being difficult to see.

 

“Heh, glad I’m not the only butt monkey around here...” Renegade gloated happily. “...besides Spongetron, for obvious reasons.”

 

Everyone paused for a moment as something began to dawn on them…

 

“Wait a minute...robots...insects...edge…” they reflected on how the monster looked and talked. “You don’t think that that creature could be…”

 

The thoughts of the members were then interrupted by the sound of the footsteps of a metallic creature approaching from the front…

 

“Spongetron…” they said in terror as a robot mantis appeared before them, accompanied by a shady character with a cigarette and lighter in hand…

 

“To be continued...Persona 5 style!” Crazy Celes exclaimed as the notorious music from the chapter end screen of Persona 5 played to accompany the ending.

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Episode 8: Ninja Hayden: Tron’s Edge

 

“What’s a ninja gaiden?” Spongetron asked, unfamiliar with the game the title was referencing.

 

“Hello members of SBC…” the shady character greeted in a sarcastic tone. “Ah, but where are your gang members? Oh, that’s right. I killed them.”

 

“wut” JCM replied. “No, you didn’t, they’re right here.”

 

“Yeah…” Jjs chimed in as he finally got the plug back in its socket, turning the lights back on and revealing to the now embarrassed character his mistake. “And I don’t remember us having anyone from the mafia in our clique.”

 

“Gah!” the character grunted. “Fine, you got me. I am not the bastard/bitch who has been killing everyone. I’m the dick/cunt who has been hacking your site, filling it with fake news to influence you poor sods into buying into my agenda!”

 

“So...you’re the guy who writes lies about new episodes on Spongebob wiki sites to troll people?” Jjs joked. “I don’t get it, how are you a threat in any way?”

 

“Yeah, if you had been posting doctored information on our website, I would’ve definitely found out by now.” hilaryfan80 shared his skepticism as the site’s programmer. “I am a doctor after all. Just look at the funds we’ve raised to help Stephen Hillenburg’s ALS syndrome!”

 

Everyone gave hilaryfan80 weird looks before turning back to the matter at hand.

 

“Alright, you and you, I’m ignoring.” Hayden snarked as he pointed to hilaryfan80 and the alleged hacker in tandem. “As for you Spongetron, WHY?! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?! I THOUGHT THE HATE THAT WE HAD WAS SPECIAL!!!!!”

 

“You think it’s bad for you?” Renegade said in a somber tone, looking at a teary-eyed Hayden and wrapping an arm around him. “Spongetron has also been wanting to make up with me after all that time she held a grudge against me! What has caused her feelings to go so COLD?!”

 

The two began sobbing together before a confounded Spongetron asked…

 

“What did I do wrong?”

“How can you deny it?!” Homie yelled. “We saw you kill those guards! And then Steel! And from the looks of it, Wumbo too! ...Actually, in reminisce, you didn’t do anything too bad, but you still betrayed our trust! And I know all about betraying trust…”

 

“Oh, piss off!” hilaryfan80 exclaimed angrily in response at what Homie gestured to him. “At least unlike you, I know about the business meaning of trust!”

 

“OOOOOHHHHH.” Hayden cooed at the drama. “Looks like someone’s bitter over getting screwed...or maybe they’re just bitter over not getting screwed. OH!”

 

“WOOOAAAHHH!” Jjs played along with the Regular Show reference and gave Hayden a high-five as the alleged Russian hacker behind them snickered, lighting his cigarette and beginning to have a smoke.

 

“So you two like watching your peers fight, eh?” the shady character commented. “Why don’t I offer you a deal?”

 

“I refuse.” Jjs replied, giving the character a stern look. “I don’t care what you’re offering, I’m not selling out SBC.”

 

“Looks like the Dimma-deal’s already Dimma-done.” Hayden chimed in with a Fairly OddParents reference.

 

“Who said anything about betraying SBC?” the shady character continued with his proposal. “I was merely gesturing to how we share a common goal. I use “fake news” to stir up drama on SBC not to hurt it, but to help it gain more traction. Though they hate to admit it, people crave drama, and they thirst for it more than they ever have in this generation of false peace created through being forced to remain silent about their true thoughts...don’t all of you wish for a place where you feel free to say what you wish without being made to feel guilty for it?”

 

Renegade began to slowly raise his hand, despite the “meh” expressions hilaryfan80, Homie, and Hayden had on their faces as they looked at him. Jjs, however, felt that this mysterious character was making some sound points.

 

“I can see why you think the way you do…” he tried to reason with the character. “However, there is no excuse for lying to people. To me, to lie to my friends is to betray them. As is, I can not accept whatever you’re offering.”

 

“I can make you a ninja.” the character elaborated.

 

“Come again?” Jjs responded in confusion.

 

“I’m serious.” the character continued. “Doesn’t seeing all this chaos, these members dying left and right and being reborn as monsters...doesn’t it make you hunger for real power? Spongetron isn’t the only Yo-Kai reborn from an SBC member roaming around here...Elastic and SOF have also fallen and come back as the undead, as well as other members who did not survive the plane crash. And do you honestly believe that these Yo-Kai members are going to feel at home on SBC with a mere human as their head admin? Please…”

 

Jjs said nothing in response this time. Ridiculous as this all would normally sound...he was forced to recognize that he wasn’t in a normal situation.

 

“You need not accept my offer…” the character said in a foreboding tone of voice. “I will respect your decision either way...even if refusing me would mean for you to die…”

 

“In the name of sarcasm…” a new enemy finished the character’s sentence as it appeared behind the SBCers.

 

The SBC members turned around and reviled in horror as they saw what had become of their fallen friends...standing behind them was a Yo-Kai samurai that had been formed from Wumbo’s body being reanimated with the attachment of Steel’s head to it...

 

Meanwhile, Adrian and Felix had departed from the animation studio, now riding on Elasticorn. They made their way to the plane crash only to find what SOF had seen earlier. SOF was no longer there, and there were no bodies lying around other than those of the Korean soldiers, something that surprised Adrian…

 

“It’s clear not everyone got blown out of the plane...” she said to herself suspiciously as she saw the massive hole in the plane the mantis monster made. “One of the passengers must have become a Yo-Kai. But something’s not adding up…”

 

“For sure.” Felix chimed in. “Why would the monster escape through the back of the plane then stay to fight the soldiers from the front? This doesn’t look like the work of one creature...there must be another force at work here...besides Celes. First an attempted terrorist attack, then our crash landing here, then a convoluted ruse involving an animation studio, too many strange things are happening. This has to be part of a conspiracy.”

 

“Ah, I remember when I was into conspiracy.” Elasticorn abruptly said, sounding like he was high. “Good times.”

 

“What the hell have you been smoking?” Adrian jeered indignantly.

 

“Uh...I think I know what…” Felix interjected as he pointed to the smoke that was coming from the weed farm that had caught fire. Smoke from the marijuana was now spreading all throughout the area, getting all who were susceptible to its effects stoned. The smoke also began to form a sign in the air...a peace symbol…that transformed into an eye…

 

“FOUND YOU.” the mantis monster that attacked the SBCers said in a sinister tone of voice as it was revealed to have opened a third eye on its forehead.

 

“The all-seeing eye?” Adrian and Felix thought as light from the eye beamed down on them. “But that means…”

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Episode 9: Ninja Jayden: Hayden Harem

 

“Kinky :3” Tron reacted to the title as she licked her lips. “But still, can someone please just tell me what a ninja gaiden is?”

 

“You keep mispronouncing it “gay-den”...” the shady character said with a sigh. “It’s “guy-den”.”

 

“It’s mostly a den of guys down here.” Tron joked. “You all have sausages, I don’t.”

 

“WOULD YOU QUIT STANDING AROUND AND KILL EVERYONE ALREADY?!” Steel Wu shrieked. “What are you doing? JUST RUN!”

 

“...Huh?” Jjs went in response to the supernatural creature’s inconsistent dialogue. “What is this, Bikini Top?”

 

“Mind him, he has a mental disorder.” the shady character explained. “Crazy Celes has made all of you a bit crazier than normal, but he’s a special case, for the mixture of Wumbo’s mind and Steel’s had some...odd results. But so long as he’s under the control of the all-seeing eye, he won’t harm you until he’s given the order.”

 

“Illuminati confirmed” JCM joked at the mention of the all-seeing eye.

 

“Wait, until?!” Hayden yelled. “You mean he can attack at any time out of your control?”

 

“Take it as motivation to hurry up with your decision.” the shady character told them nonchalantly. “Just relax knowing you’re safe until the master decides to pull the strings on its puppet…”

 

“Only until the string is pulled…” Jjs thought in frustration. “Yeah, of course I wouldn’t be nervous only up until that point! It’s no use, I have to decide now before everyone is put in danger...”

 

“Fine.” he told the character. “I’m ready to make a deal.”

 

“Heh heh heh heh heh…” the character laughed in response.

Meanwhile, close to where Adrian and Felix were, SOF was having a similar laugh as he looked at the eye floating in the sky.

 

“lol another GF reference” he remarked.

 

SOF soon realized, however, that the eye was more than an innocent Gravity Falls reference, as strange and unsightly creatures he could never even imagine being in Phineas and Ferb began to crawl out of it. Manti smaller than the ones the SBCers met began to swarm and fly around Adrian, Felix, and Elasticorn, and these manti did not have blades in place of their front legs, rather...ordinary human hands.

 

“Morir es vivir, morir es vivir…” the manti chanted a prayer ominously as they held hands and began to circle around the trio just slightly above the ground while clapping their hands louder and faster the more they spun around.

 

“Dead or Alive?” Elasticorn interjected, still stoned.

 

“I think you mean “To die is to live”.” Felix corrected Elasticorn, thinking that he was trying to guess the Spanish to English translation, not realizing that it was just a random coincidence.

 

“Let us out of here, fuckers!” Adrian cried as she tried to stab kick the manti with her cleats but was knocked back to the ground, her attack being repelled by the force created by the spin.

 

“Feh…” she grunted as she put on her knuckle dusters. “If you can’t squash a bug with your feet, squash it with your hands…”

 

Adrian then got up and tried delivering a series of punches to the manti as they continued to spin, but they remained unphased, while Adrian began to feel a recognizable pain in her fists…

 

“UGH!” she yelled as she pulled her hands back and had an expression of worry on her face as she saw that her hands had a pattern of small cuts on them. “How...the fuck…”

 

“Please, don’t hurt yourself anymore.” Felix pleaded, putting a hand on his sister’s shoulder. “If they’re invulnerable to our attacks from the inside, we’ll have to try the outside. With the help of one of my potions, you’ll be able to do your spinning cyclone uppercut and jump up out…”

 

“NOT AN OPTION, I’M AFRAID.” the voice of the mantis monster boomed, speaking from the eye above them. “BECAUSE WHERE I WANT YOU TO GO, BELIEVE IT OR NOT...IS UP.”

 

“Sorry, Pixar movies aren’t my thing whatsoever…” Elasticorn continued babbling in a daze.

 

“Shit…” Felix swore, knowing something really bad was coming as the air grew more unpleasant, and pulled out two blue vials from out of his coat. “We’re both going to have take one…”

 

As the two both drank what was in the bottles, they saw the eye above them begin to change shape into a familiar form, and knew what was coming as they sensed a familiar evil…

 

“It’s back...the spiral…”

 

SOF, seeing the eye in the air become a spiral, became hypnotized by its mesmerizing swirl, and a voice began to speak in his head…

 

“Everyone here is doing fine on their own. Go to the prison where your friend Jjs is being held, I’m sure he could use your help more than these three.”

 

Under the control of the evil force that hypnotized him, SOF obeyed, and teleported to the prison. He knew where it was now that the force had invaded his mind and shown him the location. When he arrived inside the prison hall where the SBCers were, however, he was shown something he did not expect to invade his mind...Jjs and Hayden having anal sex on the floor. The shady character gave a menacing laugh as he filmed them having sex with his cell phone and said to himself giddily in thought…

 

“Oh yes, this will be the perfect dirt for taking them down...when this gets out, things are going to start getting, very, very, crazy…”

 

With that final word, the ominous laugh of Crazy Celes could be heard from the darkness…

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Episode 10: The Crazy Truth

 

“Is the crazy truth that this is my first time watching actual porn?” Tron kept up the running gag with her reacting to the titles.

 

“Oh yeah...welcome to my raping rampage, bitch.” Hayden taunted Jjs as he took pleasure in living out his dark fantasy despite Jjs’ discomfort.

 

“jcm that’s gross” SOF remarked in disgust as Hayden quite literally rode Jjs’ ass with his dickish behavior.

 

“SOF, watch your mouth! You know homophobic language is not allowed!” hilaryfan80 warned him, offended that he was disgusted by this offensive scene.

 

“but rap is wang” SOF argued.

 

“You don’t like rap?” Aquatic Nuggets replied with indignance. “do you also hate the ability to breathe”

 

“Yo.” Jjs said, muffled with Hayden now cramming his dick down Jjs’ mouth and into his throat.

 

“Alright, that’s good enough for me.” the shady character said, putting away his phone, satisfied with the footage he got.

 

“Aww, but I wanted to see more hawt throatfucking. :(“ Tron remarked in disappointment, garnering weird looks from the SBC members as the shady character just covered his mouth and snickered.

 

“I guess that’s why he called himself Deepthroat…” he joked to himself as he thought about how big of a scandal he could start with the footage he now had. “Now then, being a man of my word, I will give you two the power you seek. All I have to do is teach you a very simple technique.”

 

“That’s all we have to do to acquire new strength?” Jjs questioned. “Feels like a bit of an asspull if you ask me.”

 

“Well, you better get used to that…” Hayden cheekily remarked as he pulled some of his cum out of Jjs’ buns.

 

“i remember pulling the ass in my lits” SOF chimed in. “technique also sound like something from ms old pony lit good thing his writing come long way from there”

 

“Oh yeah,” snarked Hayden sarcastically as he, a rapist, looked upon SOF’s pony self, “he’s a writing god now, he’s immortal…”

 

“do i hear someone giving metal snake a hard time” Tron interjected, raising an eyebrow.

 

“lmfao” Steel Wu guffawed. “Metal Snake and Tron’s relationship may be annoying, but I see where they’re going with it.”

 

“Ugh…” Jjs grunted. “Please tell me that we won’t end up like them when we get our powers.”

 

“I can make no guarantees…” the shady character explained. “Because it all depends on how well you two are able to fuse together…”

 

“...Fuse?” Jjs responded, bemused. “You mean like a Steven Universe fusion?”

 

“What do you think the gay sex was for?” the shady character joked. “Now then, follow my lead. Stand apart, shape both your hands like guns, clear your thoughts about what the SJWs would say, and then put your hands together while shouting...YU-GO-FU-SION!”

Jjs and Hayden obeyed, and with the cry of “YUGO FUSION!”, followed by a blinding flash of light, a new hero emerged. From the merge of Jjs and Hayden a demon ninja dressed in a red outfit appeared, and his name was Jayden...Yuki.

 

“Oh no...OH NO!” Jayden Yuki cried as he looked at his new form. “This is TERRIBLE! I NEVER WATCHED YU-GI-OH! G/X!”

 

“Too late, too bad.” the shady character said without sympathy as his voice began to sound more like Crazy Celes’. “BECAUSE IT’S TIME TO DUEL!”

 

With that, Steel Wu’s eyes began emitting a dark aura as he made a sword appear from aura flowing to his hand. He lunged towards Jayden with his sword ready as SOF began charging a magic blast in his horn. A blinding flash of light shined throughout the whole area as SOF remembered how this all started…

 

The sound of a plane crashing was heard as the scene shifted back to the spiral that was attempting to suck Adrian and Felix Bruce into it. After consuming the potions, Adrian and Felix were now powerful enough to grip the ground below them hard enough to avoid getting pulled in, with Elastic already being able to keep himself firm with his Yo-Kai powers.

 

“YOU THINK THAT’LL BE ENOUGH TO SAVE YOU?!” the monster speaking through the spiral shouted. “DON’T YOU REMEMBER WHAT ELSE HAPPENED THE LAST TIME YOU WENT IN THE SPIRAL?! RECALL THE STORY OF NOIMMAN AND THE DEVIL?!”

 

Adrian’s eyes went wide open as she did indeed recall, while Felix looked over at Elasticorn’s horn, mysteriously buzzing upon hearing mention of the devil...

 

“Lightning came down from heaven and Satan fell…” Adrian said blankly, never being able to forget that iconic quote from the gospel’s description of the devil.

 

“I liek Satanism.” Elasticorn chimed in, talking in a dopey, happy tone.

 

Above the three, a massive cumulonimbus was beginning to form beside the spiral. Friction from the manti’s clapping hands was being sucked up to the cloud and filling it with lightning…

 

“YOU KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN IF YOU INSIST ON LINGERING THERE…” the monster declared. “I’LL STRIKE YOU DOWN WITH A LIGHTNING BOLT! SURRENDER NOW AND ALLOW YOURSELVES BE SUCKED IN OR ELSE YOU’LL BE GONE WITH THE THUNDERCLAP!”

 

“Alright, we surrender!” Felix cried. “We give ourselves up!”

 

“Finally, this shitty scene can end-” Elasticorn interjected before he was interrupted by Adrian’s objection…

 

“What?! We can’t give up just like that! We have to think of another way!”

 

“GOD DAMN IT!” Elasticorn yelled.

 

“I already have…” Felix whispered. “Just hold on for a little while longer…”

 

“Fuck this, I’m out.” Elasticorn said in frustration as he deliberately allowed himself to be sucked in as Felix briefly followed. Soon, Adrian followed as well, gripping something in her hands in anger as all three were pulled closer into the spiral.

 

“YES!” the monster proclaimed happily. “I WON! I GOT-”

 

However, the monster was interrupted by Felix tossing a pen brimming with electric vibrations at the spiral. In defense, the monster pulled the cumulonimbus in front of the spiral to absorb the pen in and strike the trio down with a lightning bolt...only for the lightning bolt to be absorbed by Elasticorn’s horn, which acted as a lightning rod. Since he was now above Adrian and Felix, he was able to protect them.

 

“NO!” the monster yelled. “THAT YO-KAI IS NO ORDINARY UNICORN...HE’S A KIRIN! BUT IT DOESN’T MATTER! I CAN STILL SUCK YOU IN!”

 

“SUCK ON THIS!” Adrian bellowed as she knocked Felix and Elasticorn back with her arms and let go of what was in her hands...dirt. A mass quantity of dirt was sucked into the spiral, which was also an eye…

 

“AGGGAAAHHH!” the monster hollered in pain. “MY EYE! MY EYE...S…”

 

The monster then had a memory of taking out a teenage boy’s eyes and destroying them...this memory also flashed Adrian and Felix’s minds as a familiar creature slipped out of the spiral…

 

“Crazy Celes?!” they exclaimed as they saw the upper half of her body hang out of the spiral. “How did you get here?!”

 

“I’m everywhere now…” Crazy Celes answered menacingly. “Thanks to the pact I made with the Illumichati…”

 

The network executive from before who had been watching the show slowly shut his computer...

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Episode 11: Canceled...Kind of

 

“Good on kind of ripping off that title from Rusty’s Raping Rampage!” Crazy Celes exclaimed, standing in the office of the network executive from earlier with Adrian, Felix, and the SBCers.

 

“Doesn’t it make sense though,” interjected Felix, “seeing as the original title of this literature was “Rusty’s Raping Rampage Rip-off”?”

 

“Actually, the real, original original title was “Adrian Bruce”...” Adrian remarked in frustration. “Not “Crazy Celes”...she stole my thunder like she steals everything.”

 

“Indeed!” Celes confirmed proudly. “And I already did it again! That’s why I joked about the title instead of Spongetron!”

 

“Really?” Spongetron replied despondently. “Then what I am supposed to do in this lit now?”

 

“Nothing.” the network executive, an old Japanese man who sounded like Ozu from Kappa Mikey, answered. “You are fired! All of the SBCers in this lit are fired! You have four episodes left to wrap up the story and then you go!”

 

“WHAT?!” the SBCers yelled. “WHY?!”

 

“Don’t act so surprised.” the old man responded with a smug grin on his face. “You should admit that you saw this coming after terminoob shared that leak. SBC just doesn’t sell these days. What does sell is mobile!”

 

Everyone gave him a disparaging look as he pulled out an iPhone with a Spongebob reddit page on it, save for Spongetron.

 

“He’s got a point.” Spongetron concurred, playing a Yo-Kai Watch game on her tablet.

 

“Not to mention that now, most of you are dead.” the old man continued to explain. “And it’s easier to sell products under the brand name of a dead celebrity than keep a living celebrity employed.”

 

“Oh my God…” the SBCers went as they realized what was really going on. “You planned this from the beginning! You’ve been working behind the scenes to break us apart and get us killed just to promote your business! You’re a piece of shit human being, Ozu!”

 

“That’s Kozuki to you.” the old man revealed his name, unphased. “Now then, leave my office. I have no more business with you.”

 

However, the SBCers persisted, turning to Adrian and Felix to demand answers.

 

“How involved were you in this?”

 

“I know little of the way this “company” is managed.” Adrian answered truthfully. “The only order I was given that I obeyed was recording everything. It was the same case for my brother.”

 

“Even if we had refused to have any involvement, it would have made no difference.” Felix explained their situation. “In fact, more of you would have died had we refused their orders and done nothing.”

 

“So you two sincerely were trying to help us.” the SBCers replied, feeling calmer before they turned to Celes. “But what about you?”

 

“I’m even more involved in this than Kozuki!” Celes confessed proudly again. “I just want to cause chaos and make everyone’s lives harder!”

 

“so she like i’n Discord, the master of troll” SOF said, as Kozuki began to appear frustrated, pushing a button on his cell phone.

 

“I thought I told you kids from SBC to leave…” Kozuki reminded them.

 

“Yeah, I don’t know why we haven’t left Xat yet to move to Discord.” Crushing said with disregard to what Kozuki meant, frustrating him even more.

 

“Do you want me to have security escort you out?” Kozuki threatened.

 

“Anyone else getting tired of that old guy ordering us around?” the SBCers asked amongst themselves.

 

“I, for one, don’t feel we should have to listen to what some old Japanese guy has to say!” Jackie Chan exclaimed. “I say we fight him!”

 

“Yeah, why shouldn’t we?!” the SBCers agreed. “We have fucking Yo-Kai powers now and nothing left to lose! And Jackie Chan! So let the bastard call his security guards and we’ll just whoop their asses! Everyone, CHARGE!”

 

The SBCers rushed and jumped towards Kozuki, who smiled to himself menacingly, whispering under his breath…

 

“Fools...my security guards have already been ordered to remove you from the premises…”

 

To the surprise of the SBCers, all of them suddenly vanished into a puff of smoke. Kozuki continued to chuckle to himself.

“They just couldn’t accept that they simply wouldn’t cut it in an action show…” he boasted. “I find it beneath me to play along with their childish games, which is why I must thank my ringers who have blended in with their circle…”

 

“You have spies?” Adrian asked.

 

“Yes.” Kozuki confirmed. “The shady character...he’s one of my agents. He has leaked all of SBC’s deepest and darkest secrets to me. Would you like to meet him?”

 

Kozuki then inputted something on his phone, and all of a sudden, the spiral from before appeared below Adrian, Felix, and Celes, taking them back to where they were before. As the trio appeared on the ground where the plane had crashed, Felix was the first to notice a change of scenery...

 

“Hey, where’s the plane?” Felix asked, looking around to see that the crashed plane was no longer there. “And where did that Elasticorn guy go off to?”

 

“Vacation.” Elasticorn answered, sitting on clouds above the weed farm that was still giving off smoke. “4/20 blaze it bitches. Anyone needs me, I’ll be working on my dream novel. And you bet your ass it’s going to star terminoob.”

 

Adrian and Felix then remembered what Kozuki said about terminoob and put two and two together…

 

“It’s him...he’s the shady character…”

 

“Surprising, right?” Celes said in a taunting tone of voice as her face transformed into terminoob’s. “WHO WOULD’VE GUESSED?!”

 

To be continued…

 

Next time, on Crazy Celes Z! The long-awaited fight between Jayden and Steel Wu finally commences! But will it be worth the hype after all this filler? Will having only four episodes to wrap up so much conflict and so many major plot points spoil the show?

 

“I don’t know.” Terminoob replied. “I watched the leak of the entire fight and I can’t say for sure whether I liked it or not.”

 

Tune in next time folks to hear Terminoob’s long-awaited opinions on the much anticipated fight!

Edited by Gallus
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Episode 12: Fighting Death to the Death

 

“Oh, how clever.” Jayden snarked. “Ripping off the title of the pre-finale of ATTWL 3, Chasing Death, which was a rip-off of the title of the finale of ATTWL 2, Cheating Death. Good to see that neither you or SOF are original. This is going to suck.”

 

“I don’t know Jayden,” “disagreed” Steel Wu, playing along with the joke before giving off Steel vibes at the end, “I’m excited to see who the hacker will be...oh. He’s already been revealed, huh? I guess I don’t have a problem with early giveaways though so long as they give things away too soon well.”

 

“Ugh, I hate spoilers of any kind.” Spongetron chimed in. “I want to figure out what happens for myself.”

 

“In bed?” Renegade joked with a smirk, which, as expected, elicited a response of groaning from everyone in the room.

 

“Making a joke like that to a girl younger than him…” hilaryfan80 voiced his disapproval, crossing his arms and shaking his head right next to Homie. “People like that just have no class…”

 

“Gee, wonder what that says about people who say stuff like that to a younger girl seriously…” Homie snidely jabbed.

 

“I’m warning you…” hilaryfan80 threatened. “I’m not afraid to give you a warning…”

 

As the SBCers continued to quarrel and speak negatively amongst themselves, Terminoob paused a video on his computer that was showing this entire scene on video and sighed to himself.

 

“And I thought my pseudo-cynicism in the past was bad…” he remarked in bemusement. “Do you see why I defected? SBC is nothing more than a circlejerk for this kind of behavior now. Once I feared that the site would devolve into a circlejerk for praising the Nostalgia Critic, but now it’s even worse than I imagined. Now it’s a circlejerk for hating on the Nostalgia Critic.”

 

“Yesterday it was Teen Titans No!, now it’s NOstalgia Critic…” Adrian said with a sigh. “Even if they’re for things I’ve never cared for, internet hate bandwagons are the fucking worst…”

 

“I’ve never been more glad than I ever have today that I was always a bigger fan of The Angry Video Game Nerd.” Felix chimed in. “But even if James Rolfe was the one in hot water, I wouldn’t want to help sensationalize scorn for him on the internet.”

 

“Glad that you two are smart and don’t just go along with the popular opinion,” commended Termi, “unlike some people who just can’t realize that Teen Titans Go! is hilarious. You know, we should work together.”

 

“Nice try…” Adrian retorted. “I haven’t forgotten that you’re still possessed by Crazy Celes…”

 

“You have it wrong.” Terminoob corrected. “I’m not possessed by her, I’ve accepted part of her inside of myself and have full control over it. Why do you think I’m able to keep myself much more level-headed and collected than the other SBCers who have become influenced by her aura of insanity?”

 

“You make a good case.” Felix remarked. “Like us, you appear to have a strong resistance to her powers...but what reason do you have for us to trust that you won’t try to stab us in the back?”

 

Terminoob snickered, enjoying the parallel to the situation he was just in earlier with negotiating with the other SBCers…

 

“Once you see the video I captured of the fight, you’ll see you don’t have a choice…” Termi told them as he played footage he had captured from a security camera he hijacked in the prison that recorded the entire duel between Jayden and Steel Wu…

 

The video begins here…no, don’t worry, I’m not pasting any broken links…

 

“Please don’t stand by.” Kozuki said from his office, playing Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Links on his phone.

 

In the prison at the time of the recording...

 

“IT’S TIME TO D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-DUEL!” Jayden cried out as he slammed a compact disc against a duel disk he had made appear on his arm...only for the CD to break. “...Huh. Maybe I should’ve used a card.”

 

“Ho ho ho, I’m sure Toys R Us has some overpriced cards…” Steel Wu taunted as he brandished his sword. “...in hell. Actually, I think “hell” might be overdoing it. I think Toys R Us is more or less in purgatory right now…”

 

“YYYAAAHHH!” Jayden cried as Steel Wu tried cutting him with the sword and he evaded. “Where did I go wrong?!”

 

“hold on, i might remember” SOF interjected as the scene flashed back to him making a light from his horn flash to blind Steel Wu, giving Jayden time to bust out his duel disk.

 

“Oh yeah.” Jayden said in reminisce. “At least Flash was super effective...but that’s the problem. Both of us have always been bigger fans of Pokemon...the only time I was really into Yu-Gi-Oh! was when I was watching 5Ds...wait, that’s it! I don’t need a duel disk, I need a duel runner! But that’s more advanced than a duel disk...I don’t think I could make that with just my powers, I need pre-existing mechanical parts...the crashed plane! It should still be around near the prison...I just need another distraction for Steel Wu...”

 

“Man, this is boring.” Spongetron said, unengaged with just watching Jayden dodge Steel Wu’s sword slashes. “Can’t we just go back to the throat sex?”

 

“You’d rather see this fool get raped instead of massacred?!” Steel Wu cried indignantly. “What’s wrong with you?!”

 

“Hey, I’m just speaking what’s on all of our minds!” Tron defended herself. “Don’t shoot the messenger!”

 

“Lmfao, loving this conversation.” Steel Wu snarked as Jayden took advantage of his focus turning to Tron to slip away. “Now you’re bringing up shootings?”

 

“I don’t think that was the context of what she said…” Ren stepped in to defend Tron.

 

“Yes, let’s not ignore the context of a shooting joke, Ren for president.” Steel Wu scoffed as Jayden peered out a window and was pleased to see that the crashed plane was still up on a hill not far away.

 

“Yes!” Jayden exclaimed in thought. “I just have to bring it over here somehow…”

 

“Trust the force, Jayden…” a familiar voice whispered in Jayden’s mind.

 

“That voice...Clappy?” Jayden replied. “So that’s what I need to do. I have to use my powers to levitate that plane over here…”

 

“YOU GOT YOUR RAPE IN MY SHOOTING!” Steel Wu continued to mock Tron and Ren. “YOU GOT YOUR SHOOTING IN MY RAPE!”

 

While Steel Wu’s attention was still diverted, Jayden was able to levitate the plane up from the hill, much to his delight. However, his delight became horror once he heard the plane’s engine somehow start up again, and fly by itself at full speed towards the prison…

 

“EVERYONE, GET DOWN, NOW!” Jayden bellowed. “THE PLANE’S GOING TO CRASH INTO THE PRISON!”

 

“YOU GOT YOUR KAMIKAZE IN MY TORTURE CHAMBER!” Steel Wu kept joking, thinking Jayden was just messing with him, but he soon gasped in shock as he looked out the window just before the plane hit the prison and exploded in a ball of fire. Meanwhile, the pilot of another plane that was flying close by, revealed to be Hawkbit, looked out at the explosion and snickered to himself.

 

“Pretty lights…” he said to himself ominously. “What do you think...OMJ?”

 

Dramatic music played as it was revealed that OMJ was in the passenger’s seat…

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Episode 13: SBC Civil Peace

 

Dramatic music played as Jayden laid on the floor, feeling the fire and smoke all around him.

 

“How did this happen?” Jayden asked himself as he saw the charred corpses of all the SBC members who were killed from the plane’s collision with the prison. “The fire...the fury...people believing SBC has a liberal agenda...I feel the pain of it all. And when I listen closely, I can still hear the cries of my dead comrades…”

 

“THAT’S BECAUSE WE’RE RIGHT HERE CHEWING YOU OUT FOR KILLING US ALL!” the SBCers who were killed yelled at him, disrupting the dramatic music, as it was revealed that their ghosts were hovering just above him.

 

“That’s right...I remember now…” Jayden said, only slightly acknowledging what he just heard. “I was fighting Steel Wu...and I tried to take advantage of an opportunity while he was distracted by Spongetron and Renegade. Damn...DAMN YOU TRON! DAMN YOU REN! IT’S YOUR FAULTS EVERYONE ON SBC IS DEAD! ALL YOUR FAULTS!”

 

“Actually, Renegade is still alive.” Steel Wu interjected, pointing to Ren still standing next to Tron alive and well, surviving from her protection. “I guess he’s the Duncan of this lit.”

 

However, Steel Wu then abruptly screamed, with Wumbo’s personality resurfacing.

 

“GGGGGRRRRRAAAAAGGGGGHHHHH!” a furious battle cry echoed all throughout the prison and the land of North Korea, a cry that was heard even from those who were currently discussing peace…

 

“Heh heh, I guess someone didn’t take too kindly to being called short…” Hawkbit joked, making a Fullmetal Alchemist reference.

 

“I think it has more to do with SBC just having their version of 9/11.” OMJ offered his take.

 

“Pfft, trust me, they got over me giving them that years ago, as well as every other terrorist attack I made on SBC.” Hawkbit replied. “Ah, how I enjoyed putting together those plane crash videos…”

 

“On second thought, I think your theory makes more sense, sadly.” OMJ said in bemusement as Hawkbit guffawed to himself, preparing to land.

 

“Hmm?” Terminoob murmured as he, Adrian, and Felix saw the plane Hawkbit was flying in land on the hill where the crashed plane used to be. “Why is another plane coming out here?”

 

“Stay on guard…” Adrian warned, putting her dukes up, as Hawkbit and OMJ got out of the plane and approached the trio.

 

“Wassup buddy?” Hawkbit greeted them informally to win their favor, but Adrian wasn’t moved.

 

“State your business.” she replied, her suspicions unabated.

 

“Relax guy.” Hawkbit kept up the colloquial talk, attempting to smooth them over. “Our business is the same as yours, we’re with Kozuki too. Old guy called us up to tell us y’all needed some help, so we flew here on a plane to bail ya brothas outta trouble.”

 

“He just so happened to have your numbers?” Felix asked. “Also, how did you get here so quickly?”

 

“We’re spies of his.” OMJ answered. “We came here from Japan, which is right next to Korea. Be grateful the Koreas are making peace now, because it made traveling here much easier.”

 

“Feh, we still would’ve made it here just fine.” Hawkbit retorted. “My brother is an agent of world travel, you know.”

 

“The Koreas are still making peace?” Terminoob questioned. “Even after we killed Kim Jong?”

 

“Lolwut.” Hawkbit replied. “Kim Jong’s very much alive, he’s discussing peace with Moon Jae-in as we speak.”

 

“Ho ho, sorry, my mistake…” Terminoob said with a familiar chuckle, garnering the suspicion of Adrian and Felix…

 

“Whatever’s going on with ol’ Kim Possible, it doesn’t matter.” OMJ assured them. “Right now, we’ve got ourselves a much more dangerous enemy on our hands. There have been reports of a dangerous pair of Yo-Kai who have been slaughtering Korean soldiers and innocent civilians around here. The victims were either sliced to ribbons or found dead from shock with their hands removed. Have you seen anything of the sort?”

 

“No…” Adrian answered, before looking at where their plane had landed and realized the surprising absence of Kim Jong and his soldiers’ remains. “Surprisingly…”

 

“Wait, didn’t the plane crash by the weed farm?” Felix remembered as he turned around and was shocked to see that the fire was no longer there, the weed showing no signs that it had ever been set ablaze. Even Elasticorn had mysteriously disappeared…

 

“It’s as if we’ve stepped into a parallel dimension.” he remarked to himself in awe. “Just like in Silent Hill...is this Crazy Celes trying to send us a message?”

 

It was then that Felix turned to see another shocking sight. On the ground where the plane was, he and Adrian were stunned to see a crop circle. They both found that the way the plane fit into the circle bore a striking resemblance to the peace circle sign…

 

“Now that I remember…” Adrian said to herself in thought. “The first two people who died on the plane were…”

 

“I wonder…” Felix said to himself in thought as he looked at Hawkbit and OMJ suspiciously. “...if not just Kozuki, but Celes herself has her own ring of spies…”

 

This is it...all of the clues are coming together. Soon, we will finally have the answer of who killed Clappy and Jelly. We will finally uncover the mystery of the double trouble duo behind the heinous anus homicide next time. And on the time after that, we will uncover the mystery of the Illumichati…

 

...on the finale of this arc of Crazy Celes…

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Episode 14: The Crazy Final Battle

 

“We have to get back to that prison now!” Adrian yelled as she and Felix began to run over there.

 

“Thank God we were able to convince Hawk and OMJ to let us investigate there alone.” Felix replied. “No matter what their true intentions are, it wouldn’t be right to drag them into any conflict and have them get killed…”

 

“I know…” Adrian responded. “As soon as she kills off her partner, it’s going to be all-out war…”

 

In the prison, after Steel Wu had finished echoing his battle cry…

 

“WHY CAN’T YOU UNDERSTAND STEEL?!” Wumbo spoke to the Steel part of himself. “NO ONE CARES ABOUT SOME TYPICAL SHOW FROM CANADA!”

 

“Yeah, Total Drama Island was kind of stupid looking back on it.” JCM intervened.

 

“SHUT UP, JCM!” Jayden shouted as he lunged at Steel Wu, with them both grappling each other’s shoulders. “I DON’T LIKE YOU, ALMOST AS MUCH AS I DON’T LIKE RENEGADE AND SPONGETRON NOW!”

 

“I DON’T LIKE WHAT I DON’T LIKE NOW MORE!” Steel Wu yelled back.

 

“I NEVER LIKED WHAT I DON’T LIKE NOW!” Jayden cried.

 

“I NEVER EVEN LIKED NOSTALGIA CRITIC’S PATCH ADAMS VIDEO!” Steel Wu screamed.

 

“HAYDEN HATER!” Jayden yelled.

 

“CANADIAN HATER!” Steel Wu yelled back.

 

“GGGGGRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH-AH” the grunting of the two as they wrestled came to a halt after their armor broke off and their pants fell down, revealing that they were both wearing the same color of underwear.

 

“*GASP* Blue…” Jayden said in disbelief as he saw Steel Wu’s boxers.

 

“Cobalt blue…” Steel Wu replied, equally shocked.

 

They then looked into each others’ eyes and started crying before they both exclaimed…

 

“YOU DO LIKE WHAT I DO!”

 

After their crying ended, Jayden offered a hand to Steel Wu, telling him…

 

“Let’s never fight again, pal!”

 

“Sure thing, buddy!” Steel Wu replied. “But if I ever catch you wearing red underwear, you’re dead!”

 

“Don’t worry, I promise to keep my woke glasses on!” Jayden assured, putting on a pair of blue shades that allowed to see the fire surrounding them as nothing more than harmless, blue jelly. As the two walked into the blazing fire, the SBCers began to boo.

 

“Hey, where are you going?!” Spongetron yelled. “Get back here and make those undies red with your period blood!”

 

“You’re the best sycophant ever.” Steel Wu complimented Jayden.

 

“You too, buddy.” Jayden returned the “kind words”.

 

“You know, these were purple when I bought them.” Steel Wu referred to his boxers.

 

The screen then went black.

 

“So wait, that’s it?” Metal Snake remarked, talking through Tron whom he was still absorbed inside of.

 

“T-t-that’s all folks?!” SOF interjected as The Looney Tunes credits logo appeared and the classic music played...up until Jayden and Steel Wu burst out of the logo, screaming and running away from...a blood-covered Clappy dressed in a Mario suit.

 

“DO THE MARIO!” he yelled, singing and dancing like the actor from the end of the The Super Mario Bros. Super Show. “SWING YOUR ARMS AND CLAP YOUR HANDS!”

 

Clappy then slammed two severed human hands together, which had the SBCers gasping.

 

“Mario...IS A MURDERER!” Renegade yelled a Game Theory reference.

 

“damn it matpat” SOF said with a frustrated groan.

 

“Oh God, it can’t be...but it’s true.” Jelly said as the mantis monster who had attacked them earlier arrived. “We’re the murderers Hawk and OMJ are after. Their friends are probably going to come and try saving you by now, but we’re ready to silence them…”

 

“No matter what you do…” Clappy chimed in. “You won’t be able to stop our master from leaving this island and fulfilling her true desires…”

 

It was then shown that Crazy Celes was now at the helicopter Adrian and Felix came in on, laughing at the crew she had slaughtered, lying on the ground drenched in their own blood and filled with bullet holes.

 

“I hope none of you believed the fight with Jayden and Steel Wu was the real final battle…” she remarked as she got in the helicopter’s pilot seat. “What I have planned is going to be nothing like a Portrayed by Spongebob meme…”

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Episode 15: The Crazy Final Finale

 

“Time to pay ol’ Kozuki a visit…” Celes said ominously as she began to fly the helicopter.

 

“I think i’m be sick…” SOF intervened. “HOW LONG WHAT WERE YOU PLANNING ON DOING THIS”

 

“We plotted everything with Crazy Celes before we got on the plane.” Clappy explained in a sinister tone. “Since we’ve learned of SBC’s declining traffic and inevitable demise, it’s been our dream to watch the site’s community crash and burn in the world’s greatest country of socialism and war. How I used to long for SBC to be just like North Korea, but then they began to speak of peace and the end of a dictatorship! And worst of all, they WANTED TO THANK TRUMP FOR IT! INEXCUSABLE! That’s why we must do violence upon this nation...we will start a war with North Korea and have both SBC and the rest of the world go down in flames like it was supposed to! And once all is done, I will no longer be known as SBC’s Nostalgia Critic...I will forever be known as...SBC’s Moviebob!”

 

“good see return of bobby talks cinema” SOF said innocently, not understanding.

 

“SILENCE!” Clappy exclaimed. “Silence is all I will have from fools like you who mock and dissent me when this is over! It is high time I had you see why they call me...the Ghostmaster…MWA HA HA HA HA HA!”

 

Clappy laughed evilly as he began clapping his hands furiously, summoning the ghosts of the victims of his massacre to wreak havoc on the SBCers, who were now screaming and running in circles.

 

“Yes, flee, go around in your circles, you fools!” Clappy mocked. “For no matter what circle you create, it will never triumph over the circle I’ve made that will go around me forever and establish my eternal rule!”

 

“Uh, me?” Jelly questioned. “Excuse me, buster, I thought this was about us ruling together.”

 

“Too bad, I was only using you!” Clappy retorted. “I was just waiting for the perfect time to stab you in the back and you couldn’t see it!”

 

“Well, the joke’s on you, because so was I.” Jelly returned the taunt. “I’ve had one of my blades in your back the whole time we’ve been talking.”

 

Clappy then realized that the blade on Jelly’s right arm was gone, and turned around to see it wedged deep in his back.

 

“NO! HOW COULD I HAVE NOT PREDICTED THAT SOMETHING WOULD BE ABLE TO PENETRATE MY HARD SKIN-oh wait,” Clappy lamented his situation before he realized something, “I’m dead now, I don’t have skin. What the fuck was the point of that?”

 

“To distract you from the trap of doom I set up.” Jelly explained as Clappy saw the ghost trap that was now on the floor, and that Jelly had replaced the blade on her arm with a proton ray.

 

“NO!” Clappy screamed as Jelly zapped him with the ray and pulled him into the trap. “HOW COULD I HAVE NOT PREDICTED THAT WOMEN COULD BE GHOSTBUSTERS IN TODAY’S PROGRESSIVE SOCIETY?!”

 

“Don’t try and deny it, it’s the way you wanted to go.” Jelly taunted him one last time before he was fully sucked into the trap. “It’s every cuck’s dream to be utterly defeated by a trap.”

“I remember when I thought that was my dream…” hilaryfan80 snarked, angering Homie once again, who gave him a nudge.

 

“So now that you’ve defeated your male oppressor, what do you plan to do now?” Homie asked curiously. “I hope you’ve not just magically found Jesus, because Jesus sucks and only old people like him.”

 

“Uh, I don’t know.” Jelly said dopily, picking her nose with her left blade arm and causing it to bleed. “I guess from now on, I’ll be fighting for love, friendship, and girl power for everyone except Tron while I wait for everyone to forget about all the people I killed!”

 

This suggestion was met with a loud, resounding “YAY!!!” from everyone before the lights went out and a gunshot was heard...when the lights came back on, Jelly was shown to be frozen with liquid nitrogen as Adrian and Felix stood beside her. With a swift karate chop, Adrian broke Jelly into pieces that were scattered all over the floor.

 

“Yeah, I don’t play that game.” Adrian told the stunned SBCers bluntly. “I don’t want any of you to forget what I just did.”

 

“don’t worry all forgiven” SOF replied, annoying Adrian. “anyway, how do git home go”

 

“We wanted to get home on the helicopter we flew here on…” Felix explained in a distraught tone. “...but Crazy Celes hijacked it, murdering our men in the process. As we paid our respects to them, one of them told us with his dying words about a soldier becoming a shadowy figure and saying something about SOF…”

 

“oh no i hope he didn’t find out i was illumichati” SOF replied, not realizing until it was too late what he just gave away.

 

“Huh?!” Adrian went. “What do you know that we don’t?!”

 

“oops i’m sorry” SOF “apologized” as he readied a teleportation spell. “anyways, gtg”

 

“STOP!” Adrian cried out as she and Felix rushed towards him in time to touch him and be teleported to his destination with him.

 

“Well, that sucks.” the SBCers remarked. “How do we get home now?”

 

Just then, they heard the sound of ACS and OMJ’s plane flying outside, and turned around to see their vehicle through the hole that had been made in the prison.

 

“Need a lift?” OMJ asked.

 

Everyone boarded the plane. After it took off, someone asked…

 

“Wait, what about Jjs, Wumbo, and terminoob?”

 

“They wanted to stay behind.” ACS replied. “They wanted to get home on their own vehicle that they’re putting together. I decided to let them be them, even if whatever they build can’t beat plane travel, a ride on the good ol’ Hellcat.”

 

“The what?” the SBCers replied in confusion, to ACS’ annoyance.

 

“Makes you glad you were partnered with someone who played Jak and Daxter, doesn’t it?” OMJ teased him.

 

As the plane flew off, terminoob snickered to himself in the voice of Crazy Celes as it took off…

 

“Yes, enjoy your plane ride for now…” she said sinisterly. “You can keep the plane too. Fly to another world if you’d like and find out where people who have mysteriously disappeared have gone off too…”

 

While Celes was talking to herself, Jayden looked upon the duel runner he had finally finished with parts he had collected from the prison with a sense of accomplishment.

 

“Come on buddy, let’s take this baby out for a spin!” Jayden exclaimed to Steel Wu as they got on the two-seater motorbike and it took off.

 

“We’re off to see the world!” Steel Wu cried happily. “And not like in the MLP song, Steel!”

 

However, the two’s joy soon turned to frustration when they came to a sign that said, “NO LEFT TURNS”. Stopping the bike, they grumbled amongst themselves.

 

“Who does that crushing guy think he is?” Jayden said angrily. “If I ever see him again, I’ll ride circles around him!”

 

“I have an idea on how to show him what for.” Steel Wu suggested. “Let’s make it home by only turning the bike left the entire way!”

 

Agreeing with the idea, Jayden turned the bike as hard to the left as he could and accelerated, causing them to go around in a circle. They continued to go around and around before Jayden lost control of the bike and it zoomed off a cliff, where they fell in the water below. At an Olympic-style judge stand, terminoob gave them what appeared to be a score of 10 on a card…

 

“Don’t get your hopes up…” he said forebodingly as he pulled the 10 card apart. “10 is for 1 and 0. 1 is the extra point of credit for effort, 0 is for everything else. What is everything else, you might ask? I couldn’t figure out what grade to give SBC in this current age, so I’ve just decided to go with S for snoozefest, B for bullshit, C for cuckery, F for fuckery, and P for phuckery. Look, I do see a small bit of hope left for this site improving, but the way it’s going now, it’s not going to improve at all. What I would re...co...men...d...d...ddddd-jsan”

 

“Mwa ha ha ha ha ha…” Celes laughed evilly, taking over again. “They can’t hear you...they’re too busy drowning in the blue…now then, time to move to another plane...”

 

All of a sudden, Celes was in another plane of reality where she was piloting the helicopter, flying closer to the twin towers of Kozuki’s company…

 

“Oh, I can only imagine the look on his face when I come CRASHING IN!” she cried as she imagined crashing her plane against the tower and causing Kozuki to go flying out the building while playing a game on his cell phone, happily declaring, “The best part is that you can take it anywhere you go!”.

 

“AH HA HA HA HA HEE HOO!” Celes laughed maniacally as she put the plane into full thrust towards the side of the building...only to be met with the side of the building exploding before the plane had a chance to collide. Meanwhile, the plane the SBCers were on had made its way back to America, and was flying by the World Trade Center in New York City.

 

“Ah, it’s good to be home.” the SBCers said with a sigh of relief.

 

“Yes, it’s good to be back in our own preferred little crazy worlds…” ACS said ominously. “But first, I want to welcome you to my world…”

 

ACS then began to transform…

 

Meanwhile, someone was having a phone call...with Renegade.

 

“Yeah, all three of them are with me right now.” Ren told Kozuki on the phone, referring to SOF, Adrian, and Felix. “It seems none of them truly knew that I was the one who founded the Illumichati. ...Yes, Felix caught onto the references. He thought the show’s emphasis on flying vehicles and parodies was both a nod to Gradius and Parodius. He even wondered by there was no reference to the code. ...Oh yeah, more importantly, they figured out about the alternate dimensions and what was part of our show. Rest assured, their silence is sworn. They bought my trust in helping me do away with those murderous fools who thought they could meddle with our affairs. With their help and terminoob’s combined, we’re sure to give this pathetic circlejerk eyes to see again...Mr. President.”

 

Ren hung up the phone as spy movie music played.

 

Inside the plane, ACS turned to the SBCers and sneered as he finished his transformation into...Elasticorn.

 

“Welcome to the real world.” he said sinisterly.

 

THE END

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If anyone ever wanted to read a spinoff/lit from a complete psycho, boy do I have one for you.

This is seriously one of the worst things I’ve ever read on this site and this was long before Metal decided to commit boardicide.

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On 5/25/2018 at 12:41 PM, SOF said:

Nice to see how this end of 1st act of Crazy Celes, wonder this is interesting for pt2? we'll see.

....shut up me.

honestly, i would have to reread the entire lit as a marathon to have my 2nd thoughts as i heard it sounds like a worst one rn...we'll see after i finished reread it.

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On 5/24/2018 at 8:29 PM, Metal Snake said:

 

“Don’t try and deny it, it’s the way you wanted to go.” Jelly taunted him one last time before he was fully sucked into the trap. “It’s every cuck’s dream to be utterly defeated by a trap.”

“I remember when I thought that was my dream…” hilaryfan80 snarked, angering Homie once again, who gave him a nudge.

 

:miranda: 

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