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Ghost Rider

Snowcember Story Contest 2017

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The goal of this contest is to bring a little competition to the table with your story talents. Here's what you'll do: 

  • Submit a canon or non-canon written winter/holiday/Christmas themed work. You may use an existing spin-off, or create a completely separate entry. It does not have to be specifically about Christmas or any holiday, it can be about winter in general.
  • It does not have to be SpongeBob related.
  • Your creation must at least be 500 words. 
  • It must be something you have written, do not plagiarize someone else's work.
  • Post it in this thread by December 27, 2017 by 12pm EST.
  • Mr. Jackie Chan will be the judge. The winner will receive a point for their side, 2,000 doubloons, Santa Hat (2012) & Santa Suit (2012) iFish items (both very rare!), a special GCA-style trophy you can display in your profile/signature.

Have fun, and let the games begin! :donkey:

Edited by Gunter

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Sorry for the delay! Here's MY story entry for this year! Enjoy! /

A Very Special Squid Christmas Carol!

The camera opens up within a rustic winter lodge, where there is lots of snow outside, and more falling at a slow, but steady, rate. Inside the rustic cottage. A familiar talking dog who can sing, is just punishing the finishing touches on a bunch of gingerbread man, and has just finished pouring himself a glass of warm apple cider! The dog turns around, and says: “Hi! I'm Captain Retro! You may remember me for my starring role in The Curse of Blue Harbor; or for my supporting, but very important role in Hello, Stranger! This is a VERY Special Christmas episode, featuring not just myself, but more importantly, starring Squidward, along with a bunch of other familiar faces from underneath the sea! Now, this story has been told often before, and it will LIKELY be told even MORE; but we like to think that we're bringing a unique spin on a tale, by telling it in a way that it hasn't been told before! We took Charles Dickens' immortal book A Christmas Carol; and he can't complain about it, because he lived in the 19th century, BEFORE there was such a thing as copyright laws, so this book falls into public domain, and CAN be used by ANYONE! Anyways, we took that book, and actually updated it for the purposes of producing our own play version of A Christmas Carol, so the settings would make more sense for today's discerning viewer. I hope you will enjoy our rendition, of a timeless Christmas story!” /

The opening title shows, and the opening cast credits are shown!

Squidward as Ebenezer Scrooge. Spongebob as Bob Crachit. Patrick as Fred Scrooge. Police Officers Bob and Nancy as the Homeless Donations Collectors. Eugene Krabs as Jacob Marley. Captain Retro as the Narrator, and the Ghost of Christmas Past. Pearl as Fanny. Squilivia as Isabelle. Greg Shell as Fezziwig, Elderly Party-Goer, and Rotten Scrooge Benefactor #1. Ray Sting, Peterpus, Eeleen Rogers, Daphne, and Helga as Past Party-Goers, Present Party-Goers, and Future Book Buyers. Dr. Gil Gilliam as himself. Cuddle E. Hugs as the Ghost of Christmas Present. Girly Teengirl as Mrs. Crachit. Stanley as Morty Crachit. Sandy Cheeks as 'Tiny' Timantha Crachit. Mindy as Mindy Scrooge, Fred's Wife. Plankton as Arrogance, and Rotten Scrooge Benefactor #2. Karen as Want, and Rotten Scrooge Benefactor #3. Carl Blandy as Rotten Scrooge Appraiser. Billy as Christmas Kid.

Captain Retro narrates, and says: “Jacob Marley was dead to begin with. Now, this might seem like an unusual way to start off a tale, but it is a very IMPORTANT detail to remember! For without the knowledge of this fact, none of what follows in this tale will make any sort of sense without this knowledge! But this tale does not center around Jacob Marley, it centers around his partner. The still living, as of Christmas 2017, Ebenezer Scrooge. A relatively well-reasoned man, who considers himself first and foremost, a logical man. He's also a bit of a tightwad, a cheapskate, and generally does not participate in any activities that can be considered 'fun', or 'enjoyable'. But Ebenezer's entire attitude and outlook on life is about to change, based on what can be described as nothing less, but a genuine miracle, of the Christmas variety!”

Squidward is standing outside his “Loans and Accounting Office of Scrooge and Marley”, with Squidward apparently being TOO cheap, (and really, too apathetic to care about the whole situation); it is Christmas Eve, which is evident from all the Christmas Wreathes, Holly, Mistletoe, Christmas Lights, and snow falling onto the ground. Squidward chuckles, and he says: “Jacob Marley, no matter how often I come here, I have to admire what you did for me! You died seven years ago today, due to a tragic skiing accident! And in your will, you decided to give ME, this entire business establishment! You also left me enough money to pay for your tombstone! Wanted it to be FANCY! Like I was REALLY going to pay for that! I wonder if my top employee has arrived here yet! He may be ANNOYING, but at LEAST he sticks around for the holiday season, which is more than I can say for all my OTHER employees!”

Squidward enters the somewhat swank and fancy office, and sure enough, Spongebob is inside, and he's ADJUSTING the thermostat! Squidward says: “CRACHIT!!!! What have I TOLD you about adjusting the thermostat on a busy BUSINESS day?! If you just worked HARDER and FASTER, you wouldn't even FEEL cold!” Spongebob says: “Come on, Scrooge! It's Christmas Eve! This is the time of year when everyone should feel friendly and caring towards each other!” Squidward says: “Christmas?! Bah, humbug! I'll tell you what Christmas is! It's just another work day! And anyone else who says differently ought to be stuffed, baked, and BOILED in his own pudding! Besides, I let you adjust the thermostat LAST week! That was MY Christmas gift to you! You should be thankful for that! Now, get on that computer, and go over the records of all the people who still own MONEY to us! We've got to keep an eye on our bottom line!”

Spongebob goes to his computer, and he says: “Speaking of Christmas, it IS a federal holiday! So can't I have the day off like everyone else?!” Squidward gets annoyed, and he says: “And I suppose you'll be wanting your pay for THAT day, to?!” Spongebob blushes, and he says: “Well, it would be nice!” Squidward thinks about it, and he says: “Oh, VERY well! But I expect you to work TWICE as hard the following day in order to make up for it!” Spongebob exuberantly jumps up, and he says: “Thank you, sir! You've made my holidays SO merry!” Squidward says: “Indeed, I have! And DON'T call ME, MARY!!!!”

The door opens up, and the automatic voice announcement says: “Money!” Squidward joyfully says: “Ah!!!! A customer!!!! Watch an old PRO reel THIS one in!!!!” Squidward rushes towards the front door, but it's just a sea star holding a Christmas Wreath; and Squidward sourly says: “Oh! It's just YOU!!!!” Patrick asks: “Is that any way to speak to YOUR Nephew?! A guy who shares the same similar genes and D.N.A., that YOU do?!” Squidward gets irritated, and he says: “Fred, I wish I never BOUGHT you that BRAIN Coral to go on TOP of your head four Christmas' ago! Ever since then, you've become even MORE annoying; if that's even possible!” Patrick says: “I just came by to spread the Christmas cheer, and ask you if you might want to come to my party tomorrow! It's a BIG party, and all your old FRIENDS will be there! I've even GOT a rocking D.J.! He's called Captain Retro, he will only be playing the GOOD Christmas music! The kind that's not repetitious and annoying!” Squidward groans, and he asks: “Why do you ALWAYS try to put me UP to this?! For the past eighteen years; you have ALWAYS asked me; 'Do you WANT to come to my Christmas Party this year?!' And every single year, my answer is always a big, fat, 'NO!!!!'” Patrick says: “I was hoping that you might change your mind this year! I've got Christmas Pudding, Eggnog, Apple Pies, Roast turkey, glazed ham, mashed potatoes and gravy, yams, stuffing, and a bunch of other good stuff, to! You've just GOT to come!”

Squidward asks: “And what's in it for ME if I attend this event?!” Patrick says: “The chance to get to know ME better! The chance for me to get to know YOU better! I'm the only family you've got! I would think you would be GRATEFUL to have me in your life!” Squidward says: “I'm THANKFUL that I only have to deal with YOU on Christmas, and NO other day!” Patrick asks: “So, should I take that as a 'Maybe'? Can I at LEAST leave this Christmas Wreath with you?” Squidward says: “You can leave it for Bob Crachit; but NOT me!” Patrick hands the wreath to Spongebob, and Patrick says: “Here you go, Bob Crachit, my good friend!” Spongebob says: “Merry Christmas, Fred! I hope you have a good party! I'd attend it if I had anything GOOD to wear!” Patrick scoffs and he says: “We don't have any dress code! You could come, if you WANTED to!” Spongebob thinks about it, and he says: “Maybe, if I can manage it!” Patrick says: “I hope to see you there! Have a merry Christmas!” And Patrick exits out of the door! And Squidward yells: “And DON'T call ME, MARY!!!!” Spongebob says: “That Fred Scrooge! Always SO full of kindness!” Squidward says: “Aye! He always HAS been a little bit odd!”

The front door opens, triggering the automatic voice saying: “Money!” Squidward says: “And PERSISTENT!!!!” But Squidward looks, and it's two police officers; one a man, and one a woman! Squidward blushes, and he says: “Sorry! I thought you were someone else! And how might I help two of my FINEST police officers on THIS fine day?!” Police Officer Bob says: “Today, we do not come to you as officers of the law. We're dedicating our holiday season off, to helping out the destitute and homeless in Bikini Bottom!” Squidward asks: “For the WHO?!!!” Police Officer Nancy says: “We're collecting for the poor!” Squidward asks: “Now WHY would you need to do that?! Are there no factories?! Are there no homeless shelters?! If they REALLY didn't want to BE poor, they WOULD WORK for a living, or get some REAL help, rather than get some poor SCHMUCKS like you to help THEM out!” Nancy says: “But many poor and homeless CAN'T work, and they DON'T want to go to those over-crowded shelters! Many would rather DIE!!!!”

Squidward says: “Well, if they're GOING to die, than they'd BETTER do it FAST, and DECREASE the SURPLUS population!” Bob asks: “Can't we count on you for ONE donation?!” Squidward picks up Spongebob's wreath, stuffs it OVER Nancy, and he says: “SURE!!!! You can give THIS to the POOR; and be GONE!!!!” Squidward slams the DOOR on them, and Nancy says: “TOUCHY!!!!” Squidward sighs, and says: “Ah. What IS society coming to, Crachit; when you can't even make an honest day's LIVING, without some INSIPID collectors coming to you, asking for you to GIVE that money AWAY?!!!” Spongebob says: “I don't KNOW, Mr. Scrooge! I don't know!” /

It is later in the evening, and the clock strikes 6 P.M.! (GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG!) Squidward sighs, and says: “All right, Crachit! You're done for the day! Go home, and I'll finish up the rest of the records!” Spongebob joyfully says: “All right, sir! You're so generous!” Squidward says: “But be here ALL the earlier for the next business day!” Spongebob says: “Yes, sir! And a merry Christmas to YOU, sir!!!!” Spongebob shuts the door, and Squidward yells: “And DON'T call me, MARY!!!! Bah, humbug!!!” /

It is later in the night, and the clock strikes 9 P.M.! (GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG!) Squidward finally exits out of the building, his work finished for the day! But before he goes, he realizes the neon lighting for his neon light sign of “Loans and Accounting Office of Scrooge and Marley” is not fully lit, as “And Marley” is gray, so Squidward SLAPS on the sign, making “And Marley” light up. Squidward then gets in his average sized boat, and drives home, as the snow begins to fall more heavily. Squidward gets home, with the snow starting to get thick. He reaches into his shirt pocket, and takes out his keys! But while he's opening his front door; the image of his front door knocker CHANGERS into a GHOSTLY crab, and it wails: “SCROOGE!!!!!!!!!!”

Squidward is taken aback, and he asks himself: “Jacob MARLEY?!!! Why, that's IMPOSSIBLE!!!!” Squidward reaches for the knocker, but it HISSES, causing Squidward to HURRY straight inside! Squidward says: “I could have SWORN that...BAH!!!! Humbug!!!!” And Squidward starts to head upstairs to bed, but he hears the RATTLING of ghostly CHAINS behind him! Squidward asks: “Who's there?!” But he gets no answer! Squidward continues up the steps, and the ghostly voice says: “Ebenezer SCROOGE!!!!” Squidward gets MORE alarmed, and he asks: “Who SAID THAT?!!! Show yourself!!!!” And the shadow of a WITHERED, ghostly body, wearing band-aids, and COVERED in heavy chains and money safes, appears on the stairs and WAILS!!!! Squidward cries: “AHHH!!!!!” And he ZOOMS straight into his bedroom; QUICKLY locking TWELVE sets of locks on his bedroom door, and not even BOTHERING to put on his pajamas, heads straight into his bed, knocking his CLARINET onto the floor in all the confusion! Squidward shivers in fear, and the ghost says: “Ebenezer SCROOGE!!!!” Squidward yells: “Leave me ALONE!!!!” The ghostly crab (being intangible) walks RIGHT through the solid door, and says: “Ebenezer—WOAH!!!!” And the ghost TRIPS on the fallen clarinet, knocking a bunch of Squidward's VALUABLE artworks to the ground! The ghost says: “Got to watch out for that FIRST step!”

Squidward calms down, and he asks: “Who...or, WHAT, are you?!” The ghost says: “You don't remember me? It's only been seven YEARS! We had a business together for TWENTY years, and knew each other for four years BEFORE that! In life, I WAS your partner; Jacob Marley!” Squidward realizes that it IS his old business partner. His body has obviously decayed somewhat, being in the ground for seven years, but it IS him! Squidward says: “Now I recognize you! It was tough at first! You're usually surrounded by money!” The ghostly crab says: “Aye. I remember when I was once like you! So much younger; so full of hope, so full of life, so FULL of energy! I thought that MONEY would solve all my problems! But WOAH!!!! Was I wrong! Money can not buy you peace of mind when you HAVE no body, and NO way to spend it!!!! Look at all THESE heavy chains!!!!” Squidward says: “Why do you carry such things around?!” The ghostly Jacob Marley says: “This is the chain I forged in my own life! Little by little, bit by bit; these CHAINS represent all the callous misdeeds, all the times I was greedy, all the times I never gave to my fellow sea creatures! And, as PUNISHMENT for my avarice and money-grubbing ways; I'm FORCED to lug around ALL these chains, through ALL eternity, mourning and SUFFERING!!!! BUT; I have not come here to ask you to pity me! NO!!!! I have come here, to help you AVOID the fate that I am suffering!” Squidward asks: “What do you MEAN; Jacob Marley?!” The ghostly crab says: “You're forging the very same chain that I currently HAVE! Right now, your chain is almost as long as MINE!!!!”

Squidward yells: “NO!!!!” The ghostly crab says: “YES!!!! If you don't change your ways, you will be condemned to spend the afterlife as a ghost; drifting mournfully in limbo, SUFFERING, and be FORCED to watch the lives of others SUFFERING, being unable to HELP them in any way! That's what will happen to YOU; Ebenezer Scrooge!” Squidward nervously says: “But it CAN'T!!!! It couldn't!!!! PLEASE help me, Jacob!!!! I'll do whatever it takes!” The Ghostly crab says: “Tonight, you will be visited by THREE more spirits! They have MUCH to teach you, and it would be in your BEST interest to learn from them! Listen to them, do what they say! Or your chains will be LONGER than mine!” Squidward says: “Thank you, Jacob! You always DID have my best interests at heart!” The ghostly crab says: “I have done all I could. If all goes well, this will ease my suffering, and help me pass on into a better life. Expect the first spirit at the stroke of 10 P.M.! Farewell, Scrooge! I shall haunt you no more!!!!” And the ghostly crab flies STRAIGHT through the solid window WITHOUT breaking it, being an intangible ghost! /

Squidward is in his pajamas, his dinner eaten, and is ready to go to bed! Squidward says: “I'm SO nervous! Three spirits?! What do they even LOOK like?! Are they going to hurt me?! I feel like I'm about to go sky-diving, and I didn't even CHECK to see if I packed a parachute! I wonder if OTHER people have HAD to have gone through a spiritual experience like THIS?!” (GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG!) And sure enough the room lights up, and a familiar Christmas song begins playing! George Michael sings: Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special. Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special.”

Squidward looks around, and he sees a very FESTIVE looking, and very Christmas decked version of Captain Retro, dressed up in a RETRO Christmas outfit from the 1980's! Captain Retro sighs, and says: “Nothing like George Michael and Wham to put you in the mood for Christmas, right? It's kind of harsher in hindsight, but George Michael actually DIED on Christmas in 2016. Not a GOOD year for celebrities, if you know what I mean!” Squidward asks: “And just WHO are you?!” Captain Retro chuckles, and he says: “Haven't you guessed?! I'm the Spirit of Christmas Past!” Squidward says: “Weird. I thought you'd be scarier!” Captain Retro sighs and says: “Everyone thinks that, especially when they're forced to confront the memories of things they've LONG since subdued, or chosen to ignore; but when it comes right down to it, when people remember their past, they find that the past; even the GRIMY parts of it, just seem to get brighter ALL the time, even as the future gets cloudier and darker!” Squidward asks: “You aren't going to HURT me, are you spirit?!” Captain Retro says: “I'm not allowed to! Nor, would I WANT to! I only want to help you! However, you might not LIKE all of what you're going to see, but you HAVE to see it anyways! I only felt it was FAIR to give you a fair warning!”

Squidward says: “Well, I know it is only your intent to educate me. Very well then, do, whatever it is you need to do.” Captain Retro says: “Hold tight to my paw! We're about to take a memory-based trip BACK into the past!” Squidward grabs Captain Retro's left hand, and before Squidward knows it, Captain Retro is running SO fast, he's actually TURNING back the clock, and REWINDING time before his very eyes! Squidward asks: “What is the MEANING of this?!” Captain Retro says: “88 Miles Per Hour, Squidward! That's how FAST you need to go, to go back in time! Or the bare minimum! Asks Doc Brown, he's the REAL expert! Hold it! We're here!”

And Captain Retro stops, and they're in New Kelp City, and they're already starting to set up the ball for the New Year of 1974! Squidward says: “I remember THIS place! This is my old home-town! And all of my old school friends! It's Christmas Eve of 1973!” And sure enough, a song that was released relatively recently, begins playing in the air! John Lennon and Yoko Ono sing: “So this is Xmas. And what have you done? Another year over, and a new one just begun! And so this is Xmas! I hope you have fun! The near and the dear one! The old and the young! A very Merry Xmas! And a happy New Year! Let's hope it's a good one, without any fear! And so this is Xmas, (war is over), for weak and for strong, (if you want it). For rich and the poor ones, (war is over). The world is so wrong (now). And so happy Xmas! (War is over) for black and for white, (if you want it)! For yellow and red ones, (war is over)! Let's stop all the fight (now). A very Merry Xmas! And a happy New Year! Let's hope it's a good one, without any fear!

And so this is Xmas, (war is over)! And what have we done? (
If you want it). Another year over, (war is over)! A new one just begun (now)! And so happy Xmas, (war is over)! We hope you have fun, (if you want it)! The near and the dear one, (war is over)! The old and the young (now)! A very Merry Xmas! And a happy New Year! Let's hope it's a good one, without any fear! War is over, if you want it! War is over, now! Happy Xmas!” /

The epic song ends, and Squidward says: “I remember this place well! Those happy memories of my youth always get me RIGHT in the heart!” Captain Retro says: “But not ALL of your youth was happy! Remember?” Squidward sighs, and says: “Aye. I remember THIS Christmas season well! I was five years old, and Dad had to go away on a business trip and had forgotten ALL about Christmas; forcing me to go to a private kindergarten, where I could learn the ways of life!” They go to a fancy, private school, where everything is shut down, save for one room, where a young Scrooge/Squidward is going over his studies. The young Squidward says: “A is for Atom Ant, B is for The Beatles, C is for Carols, D is for The Doors, E is for The Eagles, F is for Friends who do Stuff together, G is for Gingerbread Houses, H is for Holly, I is for...I really WISH my dad could be home for Christmas!” A teenaged girl whale comes in, and she says: “And your WISH has been granted!”

The young Squidward says: “Fannie! What are you doing here?!” Fannie says: “I just got a phone call from our dad! He says that the business trip has been CANCELLED! He's going to spend Christmas with us AFTER all! And he sounded SO nice, to! Much nicer than he HAS been! He says that he's given up drinking, and will quit his smoking habits! From now on, he's going to be a nicer, and kinder man, and he wants you home for Christmas, to!” The young Squidward says: “All right! What should we get him for Christmas, Fannie?!” Fannie says: “Oh, I have a few ideas...” And their voices trail off. Squidward says: “My older sister, Fannie. And NO; I DON'T know HOW an Octopus and a WHALE can be related!” Captain Retro says: “I wasn't even going to ask!” Squidward says: “She was so full of life and hope, you know! She later married, and gave birth to my nephew, Fred. After that, she got put on a bus.” Captain Retro asks: “You mean she...?” Squidward says: “NO!!!! She LITERALLY got put on a bus! Our father got her ENLISTENED into the army, she thought it would be a good LEARNING experience for her! But she got STUCK in the war quagmire that's been going ON for the past 16 years, and I haven't gotten to see OR hear from her, since!”

Captain Retro says: “Is that why you can't STAND to be around Fred?” Squidward sighs, and says: “If we're being brutally honest, yes. Because every time I look at him, I SEE her, and it just TEARS me up inside that she CAN'T be with me!” Captain Retro says: “I know. Being apart from your family, especially at Christmas, can be, and often IS, PAINFUL. BUT; you DO have a choice! You can either choose to try to suppress your pain and HIDE it, and let it DESTROY you from the inside out, or you can choose to LEARN from it, and deal with your pain in a more constructive matter!” Squidward asks: “And I want to choose the LATTER method, right?!” Captain Retro says: “You catch on fast, Scrooge! Come, let us LEAVE this Christmas behind, and go to a more pleasant Christmas Eve! We're going to the 1980's!!!!”

Squidward grabs Captain Retro's hand, and they zoom again! Forward, this time! And they zoom forward to the Christmas Eve of 1988! They're still in New Kelp City, but everything looks busier, and MORE flashy, as everyone is living the high life, and the fast life, of the 1980's! Squidward says: “GAH!!!! What GARISH fashions! I forgot how much of a FASHION disaster the 1980's truly WERE!” Captain Retro chuckles, and he says: “You were JUST as into the fashion trends back then as EVERYONE else! Take a look in this building, and see for yourself! Recognize anybody?!” And Squidward looks inside, and sure ENOUGH he sees a 20 year old VERSION of himself, sporting a George Michael haircut, and wearing a “Members Only” jacket! Captain Retro chuckles, and he says: “Nice hair and jacket, by the way!” Squidward says: “It was in STYLE, back then! Besides, we had NO idea George Michael was going to turn out to be GAY back then! They would've LAUGHED at you for even SUGGESTING the idea! Uh, they can't hear or see us, can they?!” Captain Retro says: “I'm only showing you the shadows of things that have already passed in your life, they cannot see or hear us. They are going on with their lives, unaware of what YOU'RE going to turn out to be!”

Squidward asks: “And what's WRONG with liking money?!” Captain Retro says: “Nothing; if you're Bill Gates and you use it for altruistic purposes! But since you're NOT, that's the problem! Besides, you didn't ALWAYS used to like money! You used to love something else! Recognize anyone else?!” Squidward looks, and he sees an elderly sea turtle, running a Party Store! Squidward says: “It's old Fezziwig! Alive and well, again! He was a good and generous boss, he was! I couldn't have worked for a kinder gentleman!” Captain Retro asks: “This 'small' party, impresses you THAT much?!” Squidward says: “Nothing that Fezziwig ever did, in spite of his outdated name, was EVER small! He gave from his heart, and he GAVE to all!”

Fezziwig goes to a young crab, and he says: “Jacob Marley! Stop WORKING! Put those forms away, and join the party! After all, it IS Christmas Eve! And what is a Party Store, without a little PARTY to celebrate Christmas Eve?!” The young adult Squidward says: “Step aside, and make way for some INTERPRETIVE dance!” And the young Squidward busts out his REALLY unique dance moves, that REALLY impress his old friends, such as Ray Sting, Peterpus, Eeleen Rogers, Daphne, and Helga! Captain Retro chuckles and he says: “Nice DANCE moves!” Squidward says: “It was POPULAR back then! I kind of WISH it still was! But I haven't danced like that ever since my ill-fated attempt of 1999, when everyone threw TOMATOES at me! I mean, COME on! If you're going to THROW something at me, the LEAST you can do is THROW something that isn't wasting FOOD!” Captain Retro says: “Your friends weren't the ONLY ones impressed with you! A beautiful young lady is about to enter the picture, if you KNOW what I mean!” Squidward is stunned, when he sees a BEAUTIFUL lady octopus, wearing a t-shirt that reads: “Italians do it better!” Squidward sighs, and says: “The love of my life! The lovely Isabelle!”

The young Squidward finishes dancing, and Isabelle goes up to him, and she asks: “Who are you? You must forgive me, but I just started working here last week, and I haven't gotten a chance to meet everyone yet. I'm Isabelle. I guess we're going to be work partners from now on!” The young Squidward blushes, and he says: “I guess we are! I'm Ebenezer Scrooge! Obviously, I didn't pick THAT first name! I would've gone with something cooler!” Isabelle looks up, and she romantically says: “You KNOW, we ARE standing under the mistletoe!” The young Squidward says: “Well, if you really WANT...” But he doesn't even FINISH, and Isabelle plants a BIG romantic kiss on his left cheek!!!! The young Squidward romantically says: “I think I'm in LOVE!!!!” And then a bunch of clattering is heard, as Fezziwig starts to break out HIS dance moves (albeit, clumsily, as he APPEARS to be TIPSY), and he proves it, by taking off his SHELL, waving it around, and screaming: “No DRESS CODE!!!!” And everyone cheers! The young Squidward says: “That's my...boss! He can't hold his liquor in very well!” Isabelle says: “I see what you mean! Let's ditch this party and have some OTHER fun!” The young Squidward says: “Lead the way! I want to know EVERYTHING about you, that you want to SHARE with me!”

And sure enough, Isabelle and the young Squidward run off, throwing snowballs at each other, ice skating, building snow mermaids, and making snow angels! They cap a Christmas evening by driving to a romantic look-out over New Kelp City, while a familiar Christmas tune plays. George Michael sings: “Once bitten, and twice shy, I keep my distance; but you still catch my eye. Tell me, baby, Do you recognize me?” Isabelle asks: “Isn't this a ROMANTIC tune?!” The young Squidward says: “It's certainly a good one. Listen, Isabelle; what do you want to do with your life?” Isabelle says: “I'd like to travel around the world and help those in need! There are so many places I want to see! There are so many of those I'd like to help!” The young Squidward says: “Well, I'd like to help you! Once I've saved enough money, Jacob Marley and I are going to start a business together! We'll make SO much money together, we can afford to GIVE a lot of our profits away! I'll help you in ANY way I can!” Isabelle says: “That sounds SO romantic! It means a lot to me!” The young Squidward sighs, and he says: “You know what would mean a lot to me? I mean, we've only KNOWN each other for a short time, but it feels like I've known you forever.” The young Squidward reaches into his glove compartment, and pulls out a LOVELY ring, with two dolphins surrounding a pristine, white pearl. The young Squidward says: “This belonged to my mother, my grandmother, and HER mother before her! It's been in my family for four generations! And it would mean a lot to me, for you to have this, if you'd be my wife!” Isabelle tears up, and she says: “Ebenezer, I don't know what to say!” The young Squidward says: “Say, yes!” Isabelle excitedly says: “Yes, YES! A thousand times, YES!! I know this is going to sound mushy, but you LIKE me! You REALLY like ME!!!!”

The young Squidward says: “We'll get married in Las Vegas! Big and fancy, or small and informal, whichever you prefer! Feel free to invite any guests you want! It would be more fun that way!” Isabelle says: “I'd like to invite Fezziwig! He's...funny!” The young Squidward says: “Aye. He can be MOST times!” /

The scene fades, and Squidward says: “Ah! I remember how MUCH we were in LOVE together!” Captain Retro says: “The key word there is, 'WERE', in love together! In ten years time, something ELSE will take the place of your love and affection for Isabelle!” And Captain Retro grabs Squidward, and they zoom forward again, to the Christmas Eve of 1998! They are standing outside the building of “Loans and Accounting Office of Scrooge and Marley”, only everything looks MORE brand new, and not as dilapidated! Captain Retro says: “Remember when I told you that you were going to see some things you were NOT going to like seeing? You're about to see one, driven by YOUR own poor choices and ABYSMAL set of priorities!”

Inside the building, Isabelle is sporting a “Rachel” haircut from friends, while the younger Squidward's haircut is starting to loose it's luster, looking more like Alec Baldwin than George Michael. The younger Squidward is busy working on his brand new computer, doing his daily business of settling loans and accounts! The younger Squidward says: “Let's see; I can terminate the account of Old Man Jenkins, who failed to pay in time for that 'Tickle Me Elmo,' BLASPHEMOUS device! I can also end the account of Mrs. Puff, who failed to pay for that FURBY, another USELESS gizmo! I think I'll keep the account of SQUILLIAM open; just to MAKE him keep paying for that N64!” Isabelle sighs and says: “Scrooge, we need to talk!” The younger Squidward says: “Make it quick! I have a LOT to think about!” Isabelle seriously says: “It's about the wedding ring you gave me ten years ago.” Squidward is taken aback, and he asks: “What about it?” Isabelle seriously says: “You need to take it back! I'm annulling the marriage! You're no longer the man I married all those years ago!” The younger Squidward asks: “What are you talking about?! I'm still physically the same guy! I'm just older! I've gotten wiser! Besides, have I ever HURT you in our relationship? Have I ever treated you badly, or said anything wrong to you?”

Isabelle sighs and says: “No. You still tell me the same, sweet nothings. But, you no longer MEAN any of the things you say! You used to be so nice and passionate to me! But a new idol has taken my place in your heart! You used to CARE about helping others! About making a difference! Now all you care about is enriching yourself!” The younger Squidward asks: “And what's WRONG with that?! Haven't I given you EVERYTHING a lady like you could ask for? Haven't you had a good life?!” Isabelle says: “You've given to ME, but not to others! That's what I want! I STILL want to help others! A fact that you have CHOSEN to ignore and belittle! I'm asking to be released from you!” The younger Squidward says: “Don't do THIS!!!! Have I ASKED for you to be released from me?! Have I ever TOLD you that you were no longer welcome in my house?!” Isabelle says: “In words, no. But if you MET the younger me, ten years ago, the younger me who HAD nothing; would you WANT from then, the way you DID back then?!” Squidward looks away almost longingly, and says nothing. Isabelle says: “Your silence, says it all.” Isabelle takes off her wedding ring and puts it on Squidward's table. Isabelle says: “Here's your wedding ring back! May YOU be HAPPY with the LIFE you've chosen!”

The actual Squidward says: “Isabelle, don't LEAVE!!!!” But Squidward's tentacles PASS right through Isabelle, and she WALKS right out the door! The scene fades, and Squidward cries: “NO!!!! That was TWICE that Isabelle LEFT my life! Why did he...I mean, I just SIT THERE?!!! WHY?!!!” Captain Retro says: “Why are you asking me, when YOU are the ONE who have actually LIVED this life?! You should know the answer better than ANYONE!” Squidward sighs, and he says: “Spirit, I can't BEAR to look upon these memories anymore! Take me home!” Captain Retro sighs, and he says: “Sorry, but there's still ONE more memory we must look back on! Hold on!” Squidward does so, and they zoom toward the Christmas Eve of 2010, seven years ago! They are in a hospital in Bikini Bottom, and the past Squidward rushes by, looking VERY much as he does right now! The present Squidward shivers in fear, and he says: “Don't tell me...” Captain Retro sighs, and he says: “I'm afraid I must. This is the Christmas where your partner, Jacob Marley died. He suffered his HORRIBLE skiing accident over TWELVE hours ago! He didn't take his cell phone, he didn't even OWN one! Called it a waste of money! If he had one, he could have called for help! But the paramedics took so long to reach him...well, you'll see for yourself.”

The younger Squidward gets to a purple fish doctor, and he says: “Dr. Gil Gilliam?!” The purple fish doctor sighs, and says: “Yes?” The younger Squidward says: “I'm looking for my business partner Jacob Marley! Where is he?” Dr. Gilliam says: “He's in the intensive care, but I should warn you, the diagnosis is not positive!” Squidward asks: “What do you mean?! He's going to make it! He's just GOT to make it!” Dr. Gilliam seriously says: “By our estimates, he was lying in a snow-bank, next to a snow-covered Christmas Tree for TWELVE hours, both of his legs were BROKEN, and he was BLEEDING profusely!” Squidward asks: “But you STOPPED the bleeding, right?!” Dr. Gilliam sighs, and says: “If he HAD a cell phone to call for help, we probably COULD have done something!” Squidward asks: “What do you MEAN; 'COULD have done something?!' You still can, right?!” Dr. Gilliam sighs, and says: “He lost so much blood, and he's losing more. He's bleeding internally, Squidward. There's nothing more we can DO for him. I'll let you go in, so you can say your good-byes.”

The younger Squidward enters the Intensive Care Unit. Jacob Marley is hooked up to a machine that's trying to pump more new blood into the heavily bandaged crab, but it is an exercise in futility! Jacob Marley opens his bruised eyes, and he says: “Scrooge? You, came for me!” The younger Squidward says: “I had to; I couldn't let you suffer alone!” Marley sighs and says: “I...should have never gone skiing! It's all my fault!” Scrooge says: “Don't say that! If that avalanche hadn't have happened, and you didn't get distracted and run into the tree, you WOULD have been fine!!!! Uh...that is, to say; what I really mean is...” Marley sighs and says: “You don't need to say it, I know it's only a matter of time, now. I; made out a last will and testament for you. In it, I'm granting MY entire share of the business, to you, Scrooge! You're the only man I can trust, to run our business in the right way! Help others, the way we always DREAMED of, instead of making money, for yourself! Don't be like I was! Don't...COUGH; COUGH!!!! WASTE...your life...the way...I...DID!!!!” The younger Squidward says: “Don't talk; you're only HURTING yourself!” Marley says: “I also left some money, to pay for a fancy tombstone for myself! Spare no expense! I want to be loved...when...I'm gone.” (GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG!) The younger Squidward seriously says: “Marley!” (GONG! GONG!) The younger Squidward says: “Please!” (GONG! GONG!) The younger Squidward says: “Don't leave me!” (GONG! GONG!) And Jacob Marley's eyes close, and he falls unconscious! (GONG! GONG!) And the heart-rate monitor goes; BEEP!!!! (GONG! GONG!) Dr. Gilliam sighs and he says: “Nurse Wretched, mark the time of passing. One Jacob Marley passed away this night; or early Christmas morning, 12 A.M., at the stroke of ten.” /

The scene fades, and both Captain Retro and Squidward are back in Squidward's house! Captain Retro says: “A fine friend that Jacob Marley HAD!!!! You couldn't even grant his wish, to give him a DECENT tombstone! You just found the CHEAPEST person you could find to bury him, and kept the rest of the money for yourself!” Squidward sighs, and says: “I don't know WHAT I was thinking! I can't tell you WHY I was so foolish! PLEASE, forgive me spirit! I was SUCH a fool!” Captain Retro says: “It's not me, you need to ask forgiveness for. You need to ask forgiveness for yourself. I've only showed you the shadows of what has already passed. Now, it's up to you, to learn from them. You're still 49 years old, you still have MANY opportunities to change your ways. I hope you will use your time wisely. I'll leave you with one last gift. This song to listen to, until the next Christmas Spirit gets here. I hope you enjoy it. I think you will.” And Captain Retro VANISHES out of sight leaving behind George Michael's singing voice!

George Michael sings: “Well, it's been a year, it doesn't surprise me. (Merry Christmas) I wrapped it up and sent it; with a note saying, 'I love you,' I meant it. Now I know what a fool I've been. But if you kissed me now, I know you'd fool me again. Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special. Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special. Oh, oh, baby. A crowded room, friends with tired eyes. I'm hiding from you, and your soul of ice. My god, I thought you were someone to rely on. Me? I guess I was a shoulder to cry on. A face on a lover with a fire in his heart. A man under cover, but you tore me apart, ooh-hoo. Now I've found a real love, you'll never fool me again. Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special. Last Christmas, I gave you my heart. But the very next day, you gave it away. This year, to save me from tears, I'll give it to someone special. A face on a lover with a fire in his heart, (I gave you my heart). A man under cover, but you tore him apart. Maybe next year, I'll give it to someone. I'll give it to someone special. Special... Someone...” / And as the epic song ends, Squidward hears ENORMOUS thudding, as if someone HUGE was walking through his house! A jolly voice says: “Ho, ho, ho! Ho, ho, HO!!!! Merry Christmas!!!!”

Squidward looks, and he SEES his entire HOUSE has been decked with Christmas festivities! Mistletoe, holly, bright Christmas lights, a HUGE Christmas tree with LOTS of presents underneath it, and a GIANT banquet table filled with LOTS of food of the Christmas variety, and even SEVEREAL foods from Hanukkah and Kwanzaa! But the most UNUSUAL sight is THAT of a GIANT, furry hamster, wearing Christmas holly leaves as a crown, wooden sandals, and A GIANT green robe around his body! The giant hamster says: “Come, Squidward! Come closer! This is Christmas! The time to EMBRACE your fellow men, AND women, in warmth and Christmas cheer! Or whatever holiday you celebrate at the end of the year!” Squidward says: “GIANT!!!! You're going to EAT me!” The Giant Hamster says: “No, I WON'T!!!! That's in the PAST!!!! I've REFORMED now! Besides, my friend, Captain Retro, the Spirit of Christmas Past told me, that FISH are FRIENDS, NOT food! I, Cuddle E. Hugs, the E. now stands for ENORMOUS, am now serving as the Spirit of Christmas Present, now!”

Squidward says: “You're as large as life itself!” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “And why shouldn't I be?! The present is all around us, and it's a GIFT!!!! That's why it's called a Christmas PRESENT!!!! But enough about puns! I want to show you all this merriment and warmth! And all the wonderful things you could be having on Christmas Day! I've even got some vegetarian, or soy and tofu based options, if you happen to have special dietary needs!” Squidward looks at the table, and he longingly says: “Apple pies! Roast turkeys! Glazed hams!” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “And don't forget the mashed potatoes! They have pismachioes! I mean, smishnachioes! I mean mishingidilinga...with gravy!!!!” Squidward asks: “But where did all this food come from?” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “From the HEART!!!! From INSIDE the SOUL!!!! This food is a physical representation, of the food of generosity, which you have LONG denied your fellow men and women!” Squidward asks: “GENEROSITY?!!! Nobody has ever shown ME any generosity!” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “Not in the past eighteen years, you mean! And that's because you don't give them any REASON to! And yet; in spite of ALL that, there are still SOME out there, who are willing to share their generosity with others! Even some, who have GIVEN what they have, TO you! Ebenezer Scrooge!” Squidward scoffs, and he says: “If you can find ONE out there, I'll GLADLY give your warm, furry body a hug!”

Cuddle E. Hugs says: “Than I better start looking forward to collecting, because I'm about to get some hugs, soon! Grab onto my robe! We will be invisible, and inaudible to everyone else, as we look upon this upcoming Christmas day present!” (GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG! GONG!!!!) And as Squidward grabs onto the robe of Cuddle E. Hugs, Squidward's house disappears, and they find themselves outside of a PINEAPPLE house in Bikini Bottom! And it is a bright, sunny Christmas day, shining on the snow that has fallen in the ocean! Squidward asks: “A PINEAPPLE house?! What does a pineapple, under the sea, have to do with ME?!” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “This may come as a SURPRISE to you, but not every single thing underneath the ocean REVOLVES around YOU; Ebenezer Scrooge! The man that lives in here, may WORK for you; but his heart belongs to EVERYONE!!!! This is the house of your over-worked, and under-paid employee; Bob Crachit!” Squidward says: “I'm not a SLAVE DRIVER!!!! I pair him his FAIR share of wages, just like EVERYONE else!!!!” Cuddle E. Hugs scoffs and says: “PLEASE!!!! The only time YOU increase his wages, is when Congress RAISES the Minimum Wage limit, FORCING you to give him more money!” Squidward says: “Well, I don't want to break the LAW, do I?!” Cuddle E. Hugs ignores him, and the Spirit says: “And yet, in spite of all the NONSENSE that Crachit has to put up with, he only has love and warmth for everyone else! Most notably, his own FAMILY!!!!”

Spongebob says: “Merry Christmas, my loving family! It's time to come downstairs, and enjoy all the wonderful things we have to eat!” A female sponge comes down, and she says: “Coming, my husband!” Squidward looks, and he asks: “Am I seeing double?! When did Bob Crachit CLONE himself?!”

Cuddle E. Hugs says: “That's No CLONE!!!! That's his WIFE!!!! Girly Crachit!” Squidward says: “He NEVER told me he had a WIFE!!!!” Cuddle E. Hugs asks: “Oh, REALLY?!!!” / Bob Crachit says: “I just married my wife! / Oh, my wife just gave birth to a BEAUTIFUL baby boy! / My wife and I just decided to ADOPT a lovely girl, so my son can have a baby sister!” / Cuddle E. Hugs asks: “Need to see any MORE flash-backs?!” Squidward says: “So I THOUGHT he was MAKING the WHOLE thing up; so SUE me! But, where ARE his children?!” A teenaged, male sponge, comes down, and he says: “I'm here! Can we have LUNCH now?!” Spongebob says: “No, Morty! Not until your younger sister, Tiny Timantha gets here!” A young, female squirrel, wearing an under-water air suit, comes hobbling down the stairs with two crutches and a broken left leg. The girl says: “I'm coming, father! I'm coming!” Squidward asks: “Who IS that young girl?! I mean, the boy seems fine, but what about the GIRL?!” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “That's Bob Crachit's adopted daughter, Tiny Timantha!” Squidward asks: “Has she ALWAYS been like this?!” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “No, skiing accident!” Squidward nervously asks: “Skiing accident?!”

Cuddle E. Hugs says: “Don't worry! She HAD a cell phone, so SHE got lucky! All she suffered was a broken leg! She's still healing from it, though!” Girly Crachit says: “For today, you may eat all you wish. And know that each bite is our gift from us, to you.” And she presents the dinner, which, while nice, isn't much. There's a little bit of corn, mashed potatoes, and a small turkey, but no butter or gravy, and they only have milk, not eggnog. Squidward asks: “Is THAT all they HAVE for Christmas?! Surely, they can afford MORE than that!” Cuddle E. Hugs incredulously asks: “And what do YOU care if they are POOR?!” And Cuddle E. Hugs PLAYS a scene that takes on a MUCH darker, and more ominous meaning to Squidward, as Squidward asks: “Are there no factories?! Are there no homeless shelters?! If they REALLY didn't want to BE poor, they WOULD WORK for a living, or get some REAL help, rather than get some poor SCHMUCKS like you to help THEM out!” Squidward looks in scorn, and he says: “Now THAT was a DIRTY trick!!!! You took something I said EARLIER, and you PLAYED it COMPLETELY out of CONTEXT!!!!” Cuddle E. Hugs asks: “Was it REALLY out of context, though?! You never THINK, you never CONSIDER the FEELINGS of those that you SAY such HURTFUL things, to!!!! And what has Bob Crachit ever DONE to YOU to warrant such disdain and HATE?! All he has ever DONE, is to be NICE and HELPFUL to you, which you RARELY, if EVER, have ever MANAGED to show BACK to him!” Squidward sighs and he says: “Okay. I'll look at my budget, and see what I can do about raising his rate of employment pay. But it will have to wait until he actually comes BACK to work!”

Cuddle E. Hugs says: “That's no GOOD, Ebenezer Scrooge!” Squidward asks: “What else do you want?” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “All I want for you is to open up your EYES, and LOOK at them WITHOUT contempt or LACK of empathy! No family should have to SETTLE for so little at Christmas! And yet, in SPITE of this hardship, they're still making the BEST out of a BAD situation, unlike YOU; Ebenezer Scrooge!” Squidward asks: “What's THAT supposed to mean?!” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “Just watch! You'll get the idea!” Inside the pineapple house, Tiny Timantha says: “Isn't all this food wonderful?!” Spongebob says: “Indeed! I propose a toast! Let's drink some warm apple cider, for our health, and the health of our benefactor, Ebenezer Scrooge!” Girly scoffs and says: “The health of Ebenezer Scrooge, indeed! That cheap TIGHTWAD, working you LONG hours, with such MENIAL, degrading tasks, caring NOTHING for the TOLL it takes on YOUR body or OUR peace of mind! I'll drink, but only for YOUR sake, and NOT his! Here's to Scrooge indeed! May he live long and prosper, even if he DOESN'T deserve it!” Squidward blushes, and he says: “I...take it, that I'm not a popular man within this house-hold!” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “That's the understatement of the day! I would say 'year,' but with TRUMP around; I clearly can no longer safely SAY, 'year'!”

Squidward asks: “Are you SURE there's nothing wrong, with Tiny Timantha?” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “Physically, no. But there IS a lot wrong with her MENTALLY!!!! And her adopted family doesn't exactly HAVE the money to get her a PROPER psychiatric evaluation, you CHEAPSKATE, even though you can MORE than afford it!” Squidward asks: “Can you tell me; what will happen to Tiny Timantha?” Cuddle E. Hugs closes his eyes, and he says: “If these shadows of the future remain unaltered, I see an empty chair where Tiny Timantha once sat, crutches without an owner, and Tiny Timantha herself, LOCKED up in some DISGUSTING sanatorium! But what do YOU CARE if Timantha DIES?! She'll just decrease the surplus population!”

Squidward asks: “How did YOU know that I SAID THAT?!” Cuddle E. Hugs coyly says: “Because you just TOLD me, DUMMY!!!!” Squidward face-palms himself, and says: “Oh, yeah.” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “Grab onto me. We're going to be going to a MUCH happier place of festivities!” Squidward asks: “Can I hug you NOW?!” Cuddle E. Hugs smiles, and he says: “Go ahead! But in the chest, where it won't be CREEPY! Hug your little heart out! Everybody does!” Squidward does so, and he says: “Wow! Your fur really IS warm and wonderful!” Cuddle E. Hugs smiles, and he says: “I know!” And they whisk themselves away, to a really BIG rock, camped RIGHT outside of the Shell Shack! Squidward asks: “Now, where are we?!” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “We're at the party that your nephew Fred planned for you to go to. He wanted you to show off your dance moves! He thinks they're about to come BACK in style! He also got a familiar D.J., to play at this party!”

In the Shell Shack, Captain Retro says: “All right! I'm your Retro rocking D.J., Captain Retro! For KEBF and KZSR, 97.3 and 107.9, the ROCK!!!! Let's give it up for Fred and Mindy Scrooge, for setting up this joyous occasion!” And a bunch of party-goers, including Ray Sting, Peterpus, Eeleen Rogers, Daphne, Helga, and even Greg Shell, are there! Squidward says: “They're all my old friends! They came to this party! They still THINK about me?!” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “Of course they have! Just because YOU have forgotten about them; doesn't mean that they've FORGOTTEN about you!” Squidward says: “I haven't forgotten about them! I still send Christmas cards! And I send my nephew, Fred, a different Christmas present each YEAR; whether I think he will use it wisely or NOT! I mean, even greedy pinch-pennies have STANDARDS!!!!” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “Well, at least YOU do!” Squidward asks: “But who's Mindy Scrooge?” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “She is Fred Scrooge's wife!” And Squidward stares at a LOVELY young mermaid, who is swimming around Patrick! Mindy says: “You've out-done yourself THIS year, Fred! It's a pity that Ebenezer decided to be a no-show AGAIN, this year!” Fred sighs, and says: “I know! I thought; this might even be the year, where we got Fanny and ISABELLE to come to our party this year! That would've been a NICE surprise for Ebenezer!” Mindy asks: “Why do you even BOTHER?! Ebenezer is NOT going to come to any of OUR parties! Ebenezer NEVER does!”

And Squidward looks DOWN in shame and embarrassment! Fred says: “It's his loss, more than mine! I mean, I don't even think that he honestly realizes what he's missing out on! I mean, we've got treats, refreshments, a D.J., and everything else that we need! We've EVEN got a Christmas QUEEN!!!!” Mindy blushes, and she says: “I'm glad that you think of ME as a queen!” Fred says: “Well, you're certainly MY queen, and you always WILL be!” Captain Retro says: “Time for LIMBO dance!!!!” Fred says: “Now THIS should be fun!” /

And Hall & Oates' version of “Jingle Bell Rock” begins playing! Daryl Hall sings: “Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock. Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring. Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun. Now the jingle hop has begun! Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock. Jingle bells chime in jingle bell time. Dancing and prancing, in Jingle Bell Square, in the frosty air. What a bright time, it's the right time, to rock the night away! Jingle bell time, is a swell time, to go gliding in a one-horse sleigh! Giddy-up, jingle horse, pick up your feet! Jingle around the clock! Mix and a-mingle in the jingling beat! That's the jingle bell rock! What a bright time, it's the right time, to rock the night away! Jingle bell time, is a swell time, to go gliding in a one-horse sleigh! Giddy-up, jingle horse, pick up your feet! Jingle around the clock! Mix and a-mingle in the jingling beat! That's the jingle bell, that's the jingle bell, that's the jingle bell rock!” / And as the epic song ends, Ray Sting and Peterpus are urging Greg Shell to try the limbo! Ray sting says: “Come on! How low can you go?!” Peterpus says: “Can't you still do it?!” Greg Shell says: “Let me limber up first, and...!” Greg Shell slips OUT of his shell, and he SLIDES under the INSANELY low limbo bar, but doesn't KNOCK it loose, and Greg says: “YEAH!!!! I STILL got it, BABY!!!!” Daphne says: “I'll say!” / Squidward says: “They sure look like they're having fun in there.”

Cuddle E. Hugs sighs, and says: “Indeed, they are.” Squidward says: “Spirit, is there something wrong?” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “My time grows short. I am the SPIRIT of Christmas Present. But; no Christmas...” Squidward concludes: “No YOU?!!!” Cuddle E. Hugs says: “Before I go, I should WARN you about the UNWANTED children of MEN, and WOMEN; Arrogance, and Want!!!!” And from a dark alleyway, emerge two VICIOUS creatures! A plankton CHAINED to a chain leash, and a voluptuous computer decked out in make-up!

Arrogance asks: “Are there no factories?! Are there no homeless shelters?!” Want says: “If they're GOING to die, than they'd BETTER do it FAST, and DECREASE the SURPLUS population!” Than in a flash, they vanish from sight, and so does Cuddle E. Hugs!!!! Squidward asks: “SPIRIT!!!! Where did you go?!!! Please!!!! Don't LEAVE me!!!! Tell me what happens to Tiny Timantha!!!!” And an ominous voice says: “I can tell you what happens to Tiny Timantha!!!!” And Squidward looks behind him, and sure enough, decked in full on WAR regalia, is the green-colored, mohawk sporting, leather jacket wearing vision of GENERAL BARRACUDA!!!! Squidward, gets REALLY scared, and he says: “Don't tell me! You're the Spirit of Christmas Future, aren't you?!” General Barracuda says: “Give the greedy skin-flint a PRIZE!!!! A one-class ticket to PAIN AND PUNISHMENT if you don't STRAIGHTEN up!!!! Want to know what ELSE you can WIN?!!!” Squidward says: “NO!!!! Spirit, just know that I respect and FEAR you more than the OTHER two spirits PUT together! I know you have things that you want to show me! I'm not going to like them, but I know that it's only for the benefit of helping me, right?!”

General Barracuda scoffs and says: “Like I'm DOING this to help YOU out! I'm only looking to get PAID for putting up with this whole idea! But I told my agent; 'There is no way Mr. T is going to AGREE to do THIS thing unless I actually get some SPEAKING lines!' Because if Mr. T is going to do some DUMB thing, the LEAST they can do is give me some LINES, so I can actually EARN my money! You don't GET Mr. T, unless you give him something important to say!!!! I mean...I lost my train of thought and went off on a tangent there! Anyways, I'll show you a future Christmas! Whether you will still be around to ENJOY it; that remains to be seen!”

And General Barracuda whisks the both of them to FIVE years in the future, to Christmas Day 2022!!!! Squidward sees Police Officers Bob and Nancy, on their daily patrol! Nancy says: “So, that stingy old fool actually DIED, didn't he?! I thought he would NEVER die!” Bob says: “I agree! He always thought HE'D be the one to get the last laugh, but we're the ones who are laughing now; aren't we?!” Nancy says: “Have arrangements for his funeral been made yet? I wouldn't think HE would be the kind who would leave behind a will to anyone; he only cared about himself!” Bob says: “Oh, I'm sure there will be a BUNCH of men and women coming out of the wood-work to claim THEIR piece of the pie soon enough! It IS what happened to the musician Prince after HE died, you know?!” Nancy says: “I suppose we SHOULD attend his funeral!” Bob says: “We will, but only if they serve those DELICIOUS finger sandwiches! I just LOVE those finger sandwiches!”

Squidward asks: “Spirit, who is this man that these two officers of the law, speak VERY lowly of?! I mean, the plight of THIS man, sounds an awful LOT like my own! I mean, that IS the direction my life seems to be heading as of late!” General Barracuda says: “I didn't take you here for you to be EVALUATED!!!! I took you here to be EDUCATED!!!! And if you DON'T get educated, you are a FOOL!!!! And I PITY the fool, who don't get himself EDUCATED when he has a CHANCE to! Come, we've got OTHERS to see!!!!” And Squidward and General Barracuda find themselves in a shady auction/appraisal office, headed by none other than Carl Blandy! He hears the door-bell ringing; and he pushes the intercom button, and he announces: “I'm ready for the next customers. Come on in!” And an elderly sea turtle, a VICIOUS Plankton, and a mobile, motorized computer, come into the room, carrying a BUNCH of valuable stuff! Carl Blandy gets INTERESTED, and he says: “And what have YOU brought me today?!” The elderly sea turtle says: “We scored BIG today!!!! With that rotten man DEAD, we have FINALLY earned what WE deserve!!!!” The computer says: “He may not have paid us WELL in his LIFE, but he is SURE paying WELL for us NOW, in his DEATH!!!!” Carl Blandy gets EXCITED, and he says: “Don't keep me in SUSPENSE!!!! Show me!!!!” The sea turtle says: “I'll start!!!! I took all his gold and RUBIES!!!!” And he opens up his sea shell, and ALL the riches come spilling out, and his SHELL slips off! He quickly puts his shell back on, and he says: “How embarrassing!!!!” The Plankton holds up a tiny (but to HIM, a HUGE emerald ring, with the initials, “E.S.” carved into it), and he says: “I stole his very PRECIOUS monogrammed emerald ring!” The computer reaches into a compartment on her body, and she says: “I stole ALL his fancy silk, linen, and sea bear fur CURTAINS that were hanging from his WINDOWS!!!!” Carl Blandy asked: “Right where he was LAYING?!!! You STOLE the curtains of a DEAD man?!” The computer says: “Why not?! He's not going to need them where HE is going!”

And to Squidward's UTTER surprise, the four of them begin singing “We're Despicable” from “Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol!” Carl Blandy sings: “We're despicable!” Plankton sings: “We make ourselves, plain sickable!” Greg Shell sings: “Berate ourselves, hate ourselves, viciously!” Karen sings: “Still none of us, wishes HE would change! We're slick and shifty birds!” Carl sings: “With fingers quick!” Plankton sings: “As fifty birds!” / Squidward says: “He just RHYMED 'birds', with 'birds'!” General Barracuda mockingly says: “He just rhymed 'birds', with 'birds'. Like YOU could write a CATCHIER song!” / Karen sings: “While stealing your purse or your ticky-tock!” Greg sings: “Just for a kick we knock, you FLAT!!!!” And he pounds Plankton! And the four of them sing: “La! La! La-la-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! We're just blankety blank-blank, no GOOD!” Carl sings: “We're not tea party blokes!” Plankton sings: “No chitty-chat, or artichokes!” Karen sings: “We're twice as blood-thirsty as cannibals! And wilder than animals, are we!” Carl sings: “We're reprehensible!” Plankton sings: “We'll steal your pen, and pencible!” / Squidward asks: “Is THAT even a WORD?!” General Barracuda sings: “SHUT UP!!!! This is the GOOD part!” / Greg sings: “Then sneer at you, leer at you, naughtily! And really, we ought to be, in JAIL!!!!” And the four of them sing: “La! La! La-la-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! La-la-la-la-la-la-la! We're just blankety blank-blank, all BAD!!!!” And all FOUR of them laugh in wickedness!!!! /

Squidward says: “That was AWFUL!!!!” General Barracuda says: “Says YOU!!!! I thought it was pretty CATCHY!!!!” Squidward says: “Such VILE behavior! Is there NO ONE who feels any EMPATHY, in connection to this dead man?” General Barracuda says: “Oh, there's some all right! But you're NOT going to like it!” And they are whisked away, this time to a TV show, where a BUNCH of Squidward's old friends, including Ray Sting, Peterpus, Eeleen Rogers, Daphne, and Helga, are CLAMORING for a bunch of new books on sale, ominously titled: “Why I Did It,” by Timantha Crachit; and they keep pushing each other to get at the book! Peterpus says: “This is the hottest book ever! Give me a copy!!!!” Ray Sting asks: “Have you read about the SCANDAL?! It's all over the airwaves!” Eeleen says: “Let me have a look!” Helga says: “Not before ME!!!! I want it, FIRST!!!!” Captain Retro candidly says: “And this scene has been repeated all through-out the ocean, as Timantha Crachit, the daughter of one Bob Crachit, took it upon herself to single-handidly end, and KILL the life of one Master Coelaceanth! She says she did it, because Master Coelaceanth broke into her house to steal ALL of their valuables, and do UNSPEAKABLE things to HER and her adopted mother, RAMMING her crutches SEVERAL times through the fishes' throat, and through the stomach, not stopping until he was absolutely DEAD! Now, she's in jail, waiting trial, so we were unable to get a word with her. However, we have been able to get a word with her adopted father; Mr. Bob Crachit! Mr. Crachit, how does it make you feel to be near the center of all this controversy?” Spongebob says: “Unsettling.” Captain Retro asks: “Any other feelings?”

Spongebob says: “I'm just glad my OLD boss isn't able to see this. He'd probably MOCK me ruthlessly!” Captain Retro says: “Girly, and Morty Crachit, do you have anything to add?” But they both shake their heads, no. Captain Retro says: “I've got their close friends, Fred and Mindy Scrooge. They've recently suffered a loss, themselves. Care to say anything positive to help these folks out during these troubling times?” Patrick says: “Well, someone in my family, very close to me, was ALWAYS suspicious that someone vile and villainous would make off with his most VALUABLE treasures! For his last Christmas gift to me, he gave me and Mindy MOST of his most valuable treasures! We'll share them with you, and anything else we can do to help, just let us know.” Spongebob sighs, and he says: “I will, Fred. WE will!” / Squidward moans, and says: “Oh, NO!!!! Not Timantha Crachit!!!!” / And General Barracuda takes Squidward to inside a desolate looking sanatorium, where Timantha is wrapped up in a straight-jacket, and FORCED to eat meals with only her mouth, as her meals are fed to her through a tiny slot in her cell door, and pushed directly to her! Squidward mournfully says: “Oh, NO!!!! Spirit! I didn't want THIS to happen! Does it HAVE to happen?! Are you showing me the shadows of things that WILL be?!!! Or only what MIGHT be?! Tell me I can CHANGE this!!!!” General Barracuda says: “Patience! I've got one last THING I need to SHOW you!!!!” /

General Barracuda whisks them away again, to the inside of a grave-yard! Squidward asks: “You took me HERE?!!! You're about to show me the grave-site of the man that NOBODY cares for, aren't you?!” General Barracuda chuckles, and he says: “You know it!”

Squidward says: “Spirit! You and the others have shown me that men and women can CHANGE through-out their lives! I think what you've been trying to tell me, is that I can make a change for the better! I promise you, I CAN change! I WILL CHANGE!!!! I WILL be the boss that Bob Crachit DESERVES!!!! I will be the UNCLE that my nephew deserves! I will find Isabelle and APOLOGIZE for my arrogant ways! I will GIVE to those less fortunate than myself, and hold CHRISTMAS near and dear to me, not just on Christmas, but EVERY DAY!!!! Just tell me, I can CHANGE this AWFUL future!!!!” General Barracuda says: “I can TELL you all that! BUT; don't you want to know where YOU are, this Christmas?!!!” Squidward ominously asks: “WHERE?!!!” And General Barracuda shines a FLASHLIGHT, on a plain grave stone that reads “Ebenezer Scrooge, March 4, 1968-December 24th, 2022!” General Barracuda maliciously says: “Right HERE, EBENEZER!!!! The RICHEST man in the CEMETARY!!!! MWA, HA, HA, HA!!!!” And General Barracuda KNOCKS Squidward RIGHT into the open grave-site, but Squidward grabs onto the edge! And he looks on in horror, as his COFFIN opens, and SPEWS forth the FLAMES of HADES!!!! Squidward says: “NO!!!! NO, SPIRIT!!!! You can't DO THIS!!!! PLEASE!!!! Spirit!!!! HELP ME!!!!”

General Barracuda looks in disdain, than he PAINFULLY grabs Squidward's tentacles, and General Barracuda ominously says: “Long LIVE EBENEZER SCROOGE!!!!” And General Barracuda THROWS Squidward towards the open coffin as Squidward screams: “NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” General Barracuda says: “YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Squidward screams: “AHHH!!!!!!!!!!” / (THUD!!!!!!!!!!) And before Squidward knows it, he's BACK in his own house, but all the festivities that Cuddle E. Hugs has set up (minus the food, which has all been eaten) is STILL set up! Squidward says: “It was all REAL!!!! It all REALLY happened! I'm back in my own house! I wonder...”

Squidward runs to his bedroom window, opens it, and sees a green fish kid playing in his yard! Squidward says: “You down there!” Billy says: “I wasn't playing in your yard! I was just looking for SNOWBALLS!!!!” Squidward asks: “Don't worry about it! What day is today?!” Billy is puzzled, and he says: “Are you daft?! It's Christmas Day, of course!” Squidward jumps up and says: “YAHOO!!!!! I haven't MISSED it!!!! The Spirits have decided to give me another chance!!!! They did it all in ONE night! And why not?! They can do anything!!!! Boy; don't you go anywhere! Let me get dressed, and I'll be right down!!!!” And moving with a speed that he hasn't done in years, Squidward gets motivated and moving in a matter of only minutes, and comes downstairs to meet Billy. Squidward says: “By the way, what's your name?” The kid says: “I'm Billy.” Squidward says: “Well, Billy; I want you to take $500, run to the nearest store, and buy Bob Crachit and his family the BIGGEST turkey they have, and get them a bunch of nice toys, clothes, and things for his family! They live in the pineapple, under the sea! Tell Bob Crachit I want to see him at Fred and Mindy's Christmas party! You can keep the change for yourself! And don't even THINK about keeping the money for yourself! I'll be heading to his house later, to make SURE you did it!” Billy says: “I will sir, and a Merry Christmas to you, sir!” Billy runs off, and Squidward says: “Now, I've got to find those Police Officers!”

Thankfully, he doesn't have to look too hard, as Police Officers Bob and Nancy, are dressed as one of Santa's helpers, and an elf, respectively! Squidward says: “There you are, Merry Christmas!” Nancy asks: “Merry Christmas?! I thought you were, 'Bah, humbug'!!!!” Squidward says: “That was the OLD me! But I've recently had an epiphany, due to something fantastic that I don't have time to explain to you right now! Maybe some other time, but I wanted to give you something to help the homeless! $1,000 to help!” And he puts the money in Nancy's hat! Nancy tries to say: “I say; that's really...” Squidward says: “Not enough?! Try $2,000!!!!” And he puts the money in Bob's pants, which fall DOWN, revealing his polka-dot underwear! Bob says: “No! Really! It's...” Squidward says: “Still not enough?! You drive a HARD bargain!!!! Here's $4,000; and not a penny more!!!!” Nancy says: “This is SO generous of you!” Squidward says: “And it's only the beginning! I'll be helping out a lot more!” Nancy says: “We look forward to it, and a Merry Christmas to you, sir!!!!” /

Later, Squidward goes to visit Bob Crachit's house, and sure enough, the family has a JUMBO-sized turkey, fancy new clothes, and the latest toys and electronic devices! Squidward says: “That little kid actually did it! I'm proud of him! I've got a little gift of my own. I'll put it through the mail-slot!” Squidward does so, and Girly Crachit says: “Bob! Someone slipped something into our door!” Spongebob says: “So they did! It's a note! It says: 'Bob Crachit; dress in your fancy new clothes, and please meet me at Fred and Mindy's party, and bring your family. I want to get to know my most trusted employee more personally. I have something special for you and your family as well. Signed, Ebenezer Scrooge'!” Morty asks: “Scrooge wants to meet you? That doesn't sound like him.” Spongebob says: “I think we should go. I mean, it's not every day you get a personal invitation from your boss! We can always play with our new gifts, later! But Christmas comes but ONCE a year!” Squidward says: “And that's MY cue to get dressed for the party! I only hope I have something APPROPRIATE left in my closet!” /

At Fred and Mindy's Party, Captain Retro says: “All right! I'm your Retro rocking D.J., Captain Retro! For KEBF and KZSR, 97.3 and 107.9, the ROCK!!!! Let's give it up for Fred and Mindy Scrooge, for setting up this joyous occasion!” And a bunch of party-goers, including Ray Sting, Peterpus, Eeleen Rogers, Daphne, Helga, and even Greg Shell, are there! Mindy says: “You've out-done yourself THIS year, Fred! It's a pity that Ebenezer decided to be a no-show AGAIN, this year!” Fred sighs, and says: “I know! I thought; this might even be the year, where we got Fanny and ISABELLE to come to our party this year! That would've been a NICE surprise for...” (RATTLE!!!!) And Squidward walks in, wearing a VERY faded “Members Only” Jacket, and sporting a very faded, but still classy-looking, Alec Baldwin haircut. Fred says: “Ebenezer Scrooge?” Squidward says: “That's me. It's been too long, but it's me!” Mindy asks: “This is your uncle?” Squidward says: “I haven't been much of an uncle to him so far, but I've just BEEN through something kind of big, that's kind of hard to explain. But long story short, I'd like to be the Uncle that my nephew Fred, deserves! That is, if he WANTS me to, that is!” Patrick says: “Ebenezer; of COURSE I do!!!!” And Scrooge turns around, and sees Bob Crachit's family! Squidward says: “Bob Crachit!”

Spongebob says: “Ebenezer Scrooge!” Squidward sighs, and he says: “Bob; I've been a REAL jerk to you; not listening to you all those times you talked about your family!” Spongebob says: “No! You were just busy!” Squidward says: “No; I WAS a jerk! But I don't want to BE a jerk anymore! I want to treat you with the respect that you DESERVE to have! And so, as soon as I am able to, I'm changing the NAME of my business! Now it will read, 'Loans and Accounting Office of Scrooge and Crachit!' You'll get paid the wages you deserve, and I'll even pay whatever it takes, to get your adopted daughter the psychiatric help she needs! So what do you say? Want to make it an OFFICIAL partnership?!” Spongebob is stunned and asks: “What did you say, Mr. Scrooge?!” Squidward sighs, and says: “All, right! The business will be renamed, 'Loans and Accounting Office of Crachit and Scrooge'!” Spongebob says: “Thank you, Mr. Scrooge! What should I do now, Mr. Scrooge?” Squidward says: “Run and fine the finest psychiatrist! He or she is waiting for you!” Spongebob says: “I can't feel my legs, Mr. Scrooge!” Squidward says: “Don't worry, I'll fix it! My friends, get Spongebob to find the finest psychiatrist in the ocean on the double!!!!” Ray Sting, Peterpus, Eeleen Rogers, Daphne, Helga, and Greg Shell carry Spongebob, and Spongebob says: “Dreams DO come true!!!!”

A female whale walks in and asks: “What was THAT all a...bout?” Squidward stares, and he says: “Fannie?” The woman asks: “Ebenezer? Is that REALLY you?!” Squidward says: “We're both older, and a little worse for the wear, but it's me!” Pearl says: “The war is over! The fighting is FINALLY over! I will now be home for THIS Christmas, and ALL others!” Squidward says: “I would like that!” Another female says: “Sounds kind of fun.” And Isabelle, also looking older, but still STUNNING for middle-age, walks in. Squidward says: “Isabelle, you came!” Isabelle says: “I've been hearing rumors from the police officers, and some little kid, that some middle-aged man has been spreading his wealth to other needy men and women in this town! Would you happen to know anything about it?” Squidward says: “Actually, that man is me!” Isabelle says: “And who's that young man, with the mermaid wife?” Squidward says: “He's my nephew!” Isabelle asks: “Is he anything LIKE you?!” Squidward says: “He's more like the man I USED to be, and I HOPE to become again! I know our first marriage wasn't all I cracked up to be, and I know there's nothing I can SAY to prove to you that I've changed! SO; instead I'm going to SHOW you that I've changed, by all the good deeds I'm going to do for now on! We'll make it so that Christmas isn't the ONLY time of year to spread wealth and good-cheer, but an attitude you should have, on every day of the year! I'd like to give our relationship another chance. That is, if YOU want to give it another chance!” Isabelle says: “I've been waiting 19 years, to hear you ask that to me.” And she gives him a small, little kiss on the right cheek. Squidward says: “Nobody kisses me, the way you do!” /

Captain Retro is back in his warm cabin, and he narrates: “Ebenezer Scrooge was GOOD to his word, and so much more! Bob Crachit became a WELL-RESPECTED man in his community, under the guidance of Scrooge, and a man, who was once reviled and filled with disdain, became a bright beacon of hope not just to his friends, but to everyone who knew him. Timantha got the psychiatric help she needed! And for Morty and Timantha, Ebenezer Scrooge became not just a good boss to Bob Crachit; he became like a second father, giving them gifts every Christmas, and helping others in need.” Sandy Cheeks, still carrying her clutches, jumps into view, as Captain Retro narrates: “And it was probably summed up best by Tiny Timantha; when she said...”

Sandy Cheeks THROWS AWAY her Clutches, does THREE triple back somersaults, lands on her feet, and says: “God bless us EVERYONE!!!!” And the entire cast comes out to take a bow, as loud applause is heard, and the curtain drops on the joyous play! /

Episode Notes: Adaptation of “A Christmas Carol”, originally written by Charles Dickens, and adapted by 4EverGreen to fit a more contemporary, more modern setting. Special Guest Stars include Jeff Garlin, reprising his role as Cuddle E. Hugs, and Mr. T, portraying General Barracuda! Featured songs in this special, include “Last Christmas; Happy Xmas (War is Over)”, Hall & Oates' version of “Jingle Bell Rock;” and “We're Despicable” originally from “Mr. Magoo's Christmas Carol.” Out of all the characters, Greg Shell is the ONLY character to play a major role as THREE different characters during the scenarios of Christmas Past, Present, and Future! The major changes to this story, is that Fannie does not DIE in this story, Tiny Timantha does NOT die in the BAD Future (though her fate STILL isn't that pleasant), and Scrooge and Isabelle get a “Maybe Ever After” at the end of this story.

Personal Notes: I really wanted this to be a Christmas Special for “Squid,” and that it would become cannon. Perhaps it WILL be cannon, someday. Just not THIS Christmas! But still, I wanted to throw my hat in the ring, and give you my version of “A Christmas Carol”. It probably doesn't do the original justice, what with the compressed time-frame, and everything. But I think it's good enough for what it is. I hope you enjoy reading it, as much as I did writing it! Merry Christmas, everyone!

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The DS Guy Saves Christmas


The following below is based on a true story:


December 22nd, 6:45 AM


‘Twas the week of the holy day of Christmas, and all good little boys and girls were filled with joy. One person who is not good, nor little, nor filled with joy is at the very least a boy, but a “Fundamentalist Christian and Conservative Republican”.


This “man” had just woken up from a dream where he was shot in each finger, and making sure each finger was still intact, he went online only to find himself banned from a SpongeBob forum for instigating drama!

“Goddamn admins are leading a liberal hellhole and they can’t silence me for voicing my opinions!” the petulant manchild cried out in frustration. “They’re just as bad as the eternal silence I’m facing in this state of California! Damn San Francisco can’t even kick out an illegal murderer!”


The man in question opened up his twitter to complain with his “best fan” and fellow SpongeBob forum user HawkbitAlpha yet again, but first he checked out political twitter, because that is full of sane and rational people! Not to his shock, he saw members of his party celebrating Christmas on twitter like a bunch of good Christians, and not a single Democrat has!


This led to a stunning revelation…..despite there being no evidence of there being a war on Christmas where he lived, it was clear that there still was one going on anyways and it was wagered by the Democrats!


Seeing as he did not have enough support on twitter to spread the truth, so he had to fight the war in the streets! He packed up an acoustic guitar and he left out for his plan was perfect: spread the news to the people around him in a college concert! There he was going to make everyone woke to the evil of the Muslim Gay Mexicans and how they’re invading our country thanks to the Dems, the evil people slowly brainwashing the entire country to forget Christmas!


“Surely those Muslim Gay Mexicans can’t stop me where people are saying Merry Christmas!” the genius thought. He knew that there was no way for him to be stopped!


December 22nd, 8:46 PM


“Those bastards didn’t even give me a mic! The Muslim Gay Mexicans are going to fuck this country to hell and back and I could do nothing!” the manchild whined, after not being given a mic. “All for those stupid electric guitarists! God forgive me for I have tried!”


Luckily for everyone else, by pure chance there were no mics for acoustic guitarists and the noise of the electric guitars were able to drown out any truth that DS Guy was willing to release to the world.


He grumbled on his walk back to his lair, and typed up a storm on twitter about how he wasn’t listened to. Of course, this led to yet another fight with Hawkbit reigning victorious in the eyes of the three people that actually see his twitter.


“Who will truly listen to me?” He wonders. Then a lightbulb pops up, he knows of one person who will believe him and get him worldwide publicity at that, as long as he isn’t too busy rambling about gay frogs. Why he’s thinking of none other than blatant Sandy Hook denier Alex Jones!


DS Guy looks up any contact info he can on the dark web, and finds that Alex and most of his website (minus Paul Joseph Watson who’s too busy trying to convince everyone to turn against JK Rowling and any other pop culture yet again) are going over Mueller, but this is much more important than any government investigation, the entirety of Christianity is at stake!

Doing his best, he spams 1,000,000 emails to Alex Jones and Infowars, and on Christmas Day, he looks up to the website, and sees that they’ve taken notice! They've officially published an article that finally spouts the truth to the public, surely they have to take notice now*!


*(Notices by infowars may or may not have been long before the DS Guy sent any notice)




With this knowledge, surely true Americans will save the holiday, and this adds more ammunition to the argument of illegal immigrants not being allowed to stay, surely with their negativity towards the holiday and the liberals attitude, their front will crumple and the Republican majority shall reign supreme!

“This is a blessed day!” he exclaims, and posts on twitter how this was the best Christmas ever, for he’s making a true difference in the world! Sure he wasn't credited to the public, but God will surely acknowledge his good deeds for his country!


And he lived happily ever after until his bakery was shut down and he was sued for not selling anything to gay couples.

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I have read over both stories carefully, and I declare the winner is...

"The DS Guy Saves Christmas" by @Plank! Congratulations, son. :) 

Here is a trophy for such skill:


Edited by Gunter
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