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Dr. Dark

Community Deathmatch: Post-Mortem #1

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The following you are about to witness is a work of total fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are either the products of the creator's imagination or used fictitiously. Any resemblance to any actual events or locales is not entirely coincidental. This program doesn't reflect the views or opinions of any person portrayed herein... Anyway, he's gonna take you back to past! To watch those Miyazaki flicks that suck ass! He'd rather have a red yoshi take a diarrhea dump in his ear! He'd rather eat the rotten asshole of a dropped yoshi and down it with beer!

Community Deathmatch: Post-Mortem #1

The first edition of Community Deathmatch: Post-Mortem opens up to our host, Tyeam!

Tyeam: One cartoon reviewer falls and another rises, what does that spell for all content creators in the community? "The Monster Among Children" stakes his claim on the community's populace, will he truly have his way with everyone like he did here tonight? And just when the heck are we gonna see the Most Active Member Title match take place?! We'll be discussing all that and more, including a few exclusive words from last night's winner, right here on the first ever edition of Community Deathmatch: Post-Mortem!


Tyeam: Hello and welcome to the inaugural edition of OMJflix exclusive, Community Deathmatch: Post-Mortem! I will be your host even though I spammed the fact that I was leaving but, hey, I'm here anyway! Joining me in the discussion is none other than Community Deathmatch's very own director! You know em, you love em, you may or may not have had enough of em after seeing him be plastered all around jjs' creation for the past 3 or 4 or so years and now he's being shamelessly plastered onto here, it's Guano!

Guano: But I have one condition, make damn sure that this episode never gets posted. I would just kill myself if I were to really be thrusted out into the public eye like this.

Tyeam: You have my word, sir! So, first thing's first on tonight's agenda, just what the hell happened out there earlier?! We have Pieguy gracing the SpongeBob Community with his presence for the first time ever and it ends in very messy fashion!

Guano: More like it ends in very typical SBC fashion. We do have a history of very special guests leaving here in much worse shape than when they first came. Robertryan Cory for one, as well as the Spongepedia and Fanon people. So it doesn't surprise me entirely that Pieguy's visit of good faith ended the exact opposite. But perhaps next time he'll decide to hit up the arts and crafts section rather than conveniently putting himself out on display in the Deathmatch Arena, where anything and everything can go. But in fairness to SBC as a whole, this particular situation really was out of their control.

Tyeam: You've got a point there, Guan. When you have a certifiably deranged and banned member such as Angry Koopa lurking around whenever Pieguy is a topic of discussion, you know you're gonna be in for something special, to say the least.

Guano: And Community Deathmatch is truly a lit where any and everyone can and will show up at any given time.

???: And just what are you couple of faggots doing posted up in here? Being a couple of faggots!

"The Human Miley Cyrus Song" PatBack comes in like a wrecking ball onto the Post-Mortem set and he tries taking off Guano's mask.

Guano: Pat-PatBack wait, stop! 

Tyeam: PatBack, why don't you just leave him alone! He's had a rough life as it is!

PatBack: And why don't you actually fucking leave and get bent by a fucking faggot, faggot!

Tyeam: I'm working on, believe me, now could you just leave Guano alone?

PatBack finally leaves Guano's mask alone, albeit more disheveled, on his head. He then takes a seat at the table, much to the displeasure of the two hosts.

PatBack: Well don't let me interrupt your fucking faggot sex session! Go ahead, gay fuck your fucking brains out, you fucking faggots! I'll watch!

Guano: We are not the same freakin sex, so we are not freakin "faggots"!

Tyeam: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that I'm asexual at this point!

PatBack: Meat on the table, that's what you are! FEED ME MORONS!

Guano: Yeah, and we're the faggots. See, anybody and everybody can show up at any given time.

PatBack: I'll fucking kill you all, you fucking SBC faggots! Meat on the table, I'll get my fill of you fucking faggots!

Tyeam: Well, PatBack, since you've already barged your way out here, what exactly are your thoughts on last night's most recent deathmatch? 

PatBack: Pffft, fucking "Pieguy"? More like "Penisguy", amirite?!

Tyeam; Now, PatBack, that's just uncalled fo-

Guano: Actually, Tyeam, I feel inclined to agree. He does look like somebody who would gladly take it up the ass in exchange for a review.

Tyeam: All right, changing the subject to help salvage what's left of my innocent aceness. Guano, as director, where exactly do you see Angry Koopa going from here? Do you see him using this forward momentum to possibly break out on his own, or will it just be more of the same from him from here on out, as far as his crappy brand of reviews go? Do you think there is room for "The Content Destroyer" to improve and maybe actually create something in the future?

Guano: Do I see Angry Koopa breaking out on his own? No. Do I think he has room to improve anytime soon? Absolutely not. Angry Koopa is a member who CHOOSES not to improve, and instead tries to break down other content creators in an effort to bring them down to his level, in order to get people to believe that he's just as competent and that he knows just whatever the hell it is that he's reviewing about, which more often than not, he doesn't. As a content creator, myself, it is imperative that you improve yourself in order to get your viewership to keep tuning in. This guy here isn't doing anything constructive whatsoever. He is not only destroying content, he is destroying brain cells, he is destroying  the meaning of the word "legitimacy". We already have one of those kinds of lousy s.o.b.'s running around in Zaid CatDog, and he is more than a handful just by himself. This guy, Just Koops, is just a lousy Pieguy knockoff, but he's a lousy Zaid knockoff, and you can only go so far walking around with some fake Louis Vuitton bag hanging over your shoulder. People are gonna see right through it eventually and then you're pretty much fucked for life.

???: Oh, is that right?

Angry Koopa walks out onto the set now and gets between Guano and PatBack.

AK: That's all that I am to you, huh? Just some cheap knockoff bag? Well, if it gets the job done, then why be ashamed of it. Just what is a bag used for, Guano? It's to carry your personal belongings, and you put those personal belongings in said bag because it gives you security. Security in that you can trust it to carry anything without worry. I don't get that sense of trust from you, and I certainly don't get that sense of trust from anyone else. I can work just as well and just as hard as anybody on here! I can very damn well carry this entire lit if given just one chance!

Tyeam: Okay, I think we need to calm down a little here-

AK: Shut your mouth, toots, or I'll spirit your undead-loving carapace away faster than you coming back from your absence! Y'all wanna start comparing me to Zaid, then allow me to start throwing my weight around here. I don't give a damn if your confusing ass is asexual, your choch is mine now! And I'm throwing you in there too, Guan. And...

Angry Koopa looks over his shoulder, turns back and right in PatBack's face.

AK: That even includes you, faggot-

PatBack bolts up from his seat and goes nose-to-nose with Koopa.

PatBack: The only choch around here is your meat on MY table, faggot!

AK: Oh, being a real tough guy now! Then just try and kill me, then! Like you tried killing everyone else four years ago! Real fucking tough there!

Tyeam and Guano both try to get in between them before they can come to blows.

Guano: Break it up! Now! This isn't the time or the place, guys! Save it for the ring! Because-


Tyeam: Oh my jjs!

Tyeam runs off set as Jaredthedecimator barges on set to escalate things even further with Guano caught between them all.

Jaredthedecimator: I couldn't help but hear you say that this is all YOUR choch now?

AK: You're goddamn right it's all mine. I worked for it, unlike you, green and charging into the scene like you're Lilcorey or some shit!

Jaredthedecimator: Well I don't care what becomes of those two choches

He says, pointing over at Guano and Tyeam.

Jaredthedecimator: They're just TOO DAMN OLD.

Tyeam: You know, I already crop out enough of my face as it is when I take selfies :(

Jaredthedecimator: Guan, I already told you that I wanted YOUNGER competition! And looking around you right now, I see two that are perfectly ripe for the pickin!

Guano: If it will settle things here right now without any bloodshed, then fine! It'll be Jaredthedecimator taking on AngryKo-

AK: Excuse me? Were you not paying attention to your own episode earlier? I just got off a hellacious Deathmatch, and even I must admit, by a slim margin. It took a lot of content out of me to go out there and destroy like I did! And like any good content creator, "The Content Destroyer" needs time to prepare his next work. Look, I'm certainly not against destroying this gigantic waste of space! Just, not now.

AngryKoopa shrugs proceeds to walk off the set, leaving everybody hanging.

Jaredthedecimator: I just love it when they play hard to get-

PatBack spins Jared around and gets right in his face now.

PatBack: I'm not here to create. I'm not even here to destroy. I'm only here to kill anybody and everybody on this site. Your meat, my table, faggot!

Guano: So, it's settled then? Jaredthedecimator vs PatBack is finally, officially on-

PatBack tries pushing Jared over the table, but finds that even he has trouble getting The Decimator to budge. Jared licks his lips suggestively before grabbing PatBack throwing him effortlessly into some nearby electrical equipment used to produce the show, causing everything to go haywire as electrical sparks begin to shock and engulf PatBack. Captcha security forces finally arrive to restrain and remove Jared from the set.

Guano: Get him out of here! By order of the director, get him out of here now!


PatBack suddenly leaps from the electrical heap and charges at Jared from behind for a Meat Hook clothesline, but Jared senses it coming, turns around and scoops PatBack up over his shoulder for a thunderous power slam through the Post-Mortem discussion table, leaving PatBack laying broken in the rubble. Jared licks PatBack's head before finally being dragged off him and off the set. Guano and Tyeam check up on PatBack, who is still laying motionless.

Tyeam: Can we get a Mr Dr Professor in here now, please!

Guano: Keep him alive! He can't go out like this!

PatBack suddenly reaches his hand out and grabs Guano by the ear, whispering

PatBack: Feed...me...more...feed...me...more...feed...me...more...

Guano: There's still some life in him! Quick, feed him more, now! I'm not letting this artistic vision go to waste!

hilaryfan80 comes onto the set now and has PatBack stretchered and put into an ambulance out in order to feed him more once he gets to the hospital.


PatBack is finally taken away, leaving Tyeam and Guano to what's left of their show.

Tyeam: Wow, crazy, huh?

Guano: That's it?! That understatement is all you have to say about what just transpired here?!

Tyeam: I don't know! That was a lot to take in, okay! But speaking of a lot to take in, you just made a monumental matchup, perhaps even a dream deathmatch in the making, between Jaredthedecimator and PatBack! A matchup that you first teased at a few deathmatch episodes ago. Like, wow! I don't even read this shit, but even I'm getting chills just hearing that. Gah! Just when the hell can we expect this Deathmatch to take place?

Guano: Before the Most Active User Title match, I can assure you that much.

Tyeam: Switching gears to that match tho, what exactly is the holdup there?

Guano: It's an extremely arduous effort trying to write each competitor to the best of their abilities. Right now, I'm just in the process of building this match up and trying to build each competitor up to make sure that they're at the absolute top of their game in order to maximize the payoff for such a huge match in itself. Unfortunately, we've also hit a bit of snag, what with Crushing getting caught up in not just one, but two hurricanes recently, and we here at Community Deathmatch are just unsure whether he is still in good health or not to even consider putting him in that position at this point, which is even more of a downer taking into account that this would've been his first time officially competing in the Deathmatch ring. We here at Community Deathmatch are praying that The Good Guy and his loved ones are all right and that they are all in good health. As of right now, the specifics surrounding the Most Active User title match is still up in the air. That's all I can really say at this time.

Another member suddenly barges onto the set in tears.

Spongetron: Don't you say that! Don't you dare even think that Crushing isn't fine! He is fine! I know that he is! I can feel it! I will go to Puerto Rico right now if could, just to prove to you that he is still fine! THIS IS MY MAN we're talking about here! Crushing, if you're reading-no, I KNOW that you're reading this! Do know that I'll be here waiting for you when you come back! Xat and cy won't be the same without, Crushing! Please be okay, Crushing! Please, please, please! Good times may not last, but good guys do!

Spongetron sinks to the ground much like her heart is right now. Guano goes over to comfort but is met with resistance.


Guano: Okay geez! Look, let's just uh sign off already! First episode is over! We all agree that we're not airing this, righ-

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