Characters in Nickelback Music Videos: Where Are They Now?

[Wumbo]

This is a thing that is going to happen.

[Cha]

#Bud&Gennifer2015

[GAYLE]

LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH

[E.V.I.L.]

Hopefully not any more Nickleback music videos

[Wumbo]

Episode 1: Trying Not to Love You Only Makes Me Love You More

 

 

After Bud and Gennifer (with a G!) stole the motorcycle of the mustachioed Jerardo (with a J!), Jerardo rightfully called the cops. They were able to track Bud and Gennifer down easily, because Jerardo gave a very close description of Gennifer's "G" tattoo. Bud and Gennifer spent a month in gail (with a G!) and Jerardo got his trusty motorcycle back, as well as being promoted to head manager at the coffee shop. As for the current manager: YOU'RE FIRED!!!

[Katniss]

That was beautiful. 

[Sweat]

This lit needs to be more famous than Skodwarde tbh

[Cha]

why did I never give you a like, what the heck

[Wumbo]

Episode 2: What the Hell is on Joey's Head?

It was the Stanley Cup, on loan to Joey from the 2004 Stanley Cup Champions the *checks notes* Tampa Bay Lightning! After wearing it on his head for a silly picture, Joey told Chad to stop doing the goddamn devil horns in every photo. Chad disagreed, and decided to confide in then 20-year-old Adam Levine, who told him that it was getting harder to breathe... wait, sorry, that's Avril Lavigne, and eventually they would marry. Remember that? What the hell was I talking about. Say what the hell is on Joey's h-

[4EverGreen]

Do the "Someday" music video next; it's probably the BEST tribute to "The Sixth Sense" ever made! (Not that I personally KNOW of many, but that's BESIDES the point!)

[Wumbo]

Episode 3: HAVE WE GOT ANY NICKELBACK FANS ON SBC

ARE YA SURE?

...

...

COULD YA CHECK

...

...

SEE YA

Anyway, Randy Rockthrower (the one who threw the rock, apt name I know) went on to throw rocks at other similarly unhip bands and artists at the time, such as Limp Bizkit, Metallica post-Napster, and Trapt because he was headstrong and would take on anyone. Not Theory of a Deadman, because who could possibly give enough of a shit. In 2008 at a Saving Abel concert, Rockthrower was caught and detained by the buttrock police and sentenced to three years of cutting his life into pieces. As a last resort, he escaped from the prison and laid low until he could imagine dragons and create an entirely new world of suck rock all on his own. That's right. Randy Rockthrower was actually Dan Reynolds. Surprised? I Bet My Life you aren't! Ha ha ha where's the Tylenol

[Wumbo]

Episode 4: Are We Having Fun Yet?

The woman in this video, who seems to be a figment of Chad's imagination but then isn't and is at the Nickelback concert but then he's at his own Nickelback concert and god damn this is a shitty video. Anyway, after being trashed in Nickelback's breakthrough hit by Buttrock Jesus himself, Melanie (I dunno she looks like a Melanie) went on to find a new band to date the lead singer of. Unfortunately, that turned out to be Adam Gontier from Three Days Grace, who happened to write "I Hate Everything About You" soon after. She swore off rock guys for good and focused on opening up a recycling center, so when you're down to the bottom of every bottle, you can bring your used bottles there! Chad Kroeger went on to cut his hair in increasingly ridiculous ways for the rest of the decade.

[Wumbo]

Episode 5: Wait, You're Sure This Isn't The Same Song? Okay Then

Wow, that's a thumbnail alright! Anyway, clearly the people to focus on in this video are the happy dead couple, now that they are both dead and happy because they are dead and together again, in the greatest tribute to "The Sixth Sense" you may ever see (not that I personally know of many, but that's besides the point). But really, what is there to discuss with this couple? They are both spooky dead now, they will probably both go to hell for dying in a bridge accident and delaying traffic. No, I want to talk about the people who witness the car crash, and then turn around to supposedly see the light: that ghosts are real, and the afterlife is a sure thing. At least, that's what I assume is happening here. Otherwise, they are turning around to look at nothing, which doesn't exactly have the same dramatic effect if you really think about it. Are these guys playing in a parking garage?

Well, no wonder the woman in this video died! That truck had nowhere to park! Anyway, the people. Once witnessing the majesty of ghostly suicidal love, a video ending that contains emotions as muddy and murky as, well, your average Nickelback song, the people went on to form their own cult religion, Kroeger's Witnesses. For the next several years, they would knock on people's doors and bellow "HAVE YA HEARD THE GOOD NEWS" in their best Nickelback impression. Some even took to wearing spaghetti strainers on their heads as a symbolic gesture to their God's hairstyle. Eventually, these people realized they were in a Nickelback video and became disillusioned, though thankfully not to the point of running red lights and getting crushed by trucks. You know what they say, no use crying over spilled milk that only leaves one set of footprints. Because those were the times when your ghostly boyfriend carried you to the grocery store to survey more options for calcium in your diet. That's how it goes, right? Hey, Nickelback video guys? Maybe don't put MAN DIE BRIDGE newspaper in the first scene of your video if you want your ghost thing to be a "twist". God, this is the longest episode I've written and it's for a ripoff song of How You Remind Me. How the hell did we wi-

[4EverGreen]

I guess the only real Nickleback music videos I'm looking forward to now, are "Rock Star", and "If Today Was Your Last Day" (unless you count Chad Kroeger's "Hero" for the "Spider-Man" Movie as part of the Nickelback discography).

[Wumbo]

Episode 6: Wait, Surely This is The Same Song, Right? No? Okay

Say what you want about Nickelback; they have a formula for success! Anyway, this video has a lot of potential characters that are interesting to look at, so let's get a sample few of the highlights and look at each of them individually, shall we?

1. Main Character Man

After saving the woman from being crushed by a fallen...

...whatever the hell is going on here, Main Character Man went on to live his life a bit more carefully, understanding the ramifications if you don't look both ways before crossing the street like a jackass. You could end up with seeing-numbers-over-people's-heads disease, which is a fate even worse than death. You know what? Cross that street next time.

2. Sequel Woman

We know Nickelback likes their sequels to songs, so why not have a sequel to this video as well? Sequel Woman suffered the same fate as Main Character Man, afflicted with the same condition. She cured this by paying for someone's lunch at Tim Hortons. Yeah, didn't actually need to go and save someone's life! It was really that simple. Deceptively so. Maybe there shouldn't be a sequel video after all.

3. Thanks a Lot Buddy, Now We Have to Watch a Nickelback Video Because of You

After saving Main Character Man from getting hit by a bus (and getting fired at his funeral), this guy went on to propose a new transit system that uses high-speed railways hovering above the streets so nothing like that would ever have the chance of happening again. Unfortunately, the fat suits did not care for the idea, and he and his hat were banished to be a background character in another Nickelback video, I'm sure.

4. Your Dad Tried the Nick Carter Filter on Snapchat to Disastrous Results

Wait, sorry, that's just Chad Kroeger. Moving on.

5. This Woman Does Not Want to Be Bothered

Just making a phone call as MCM tries to reach for her invisible head-numbers. Quit bothering her, asshole. I feel bad for even including her here. No, you don't get to know what happened to her. Mind your business.

6. NOM NOM I SURE DO LOVE MY BISCUIT OR WHATEVER

If you look closely, this guy's health bar is dropping faster than everyone else's. This is because he is eating fatty foods and at risk of choking due to eating and walking. Or it would be the case if I didn't just make the first part up. This guy paid for his own lunch at Tim Hortons.

7. Life Begins at Conception, Man!

No but seriously what the hell

8. She's Dead

Where is she now? Heaven. A place where blind men see... wait, wrong buttrock band. She's dead.

9. The Joker

Okay, no, he's not in this video, but he may as well be.

[Wumbo]

Episode 7: Three Bad

Okay, so this video actually seems to follow the plot (?) of the song, so this makes it easy! We simply go to the next song on the album, entitled "Just For". Here are the lyrics to that song for you to follow along at home! So the kid's dad, played by Gord Downie (not really, but it kinda looks like him, oh edit this out Wumbo no one knows what you're talking about), learned to support his family to an uncomfortable extent, to the point where he expressed immense anger at any man who dared look at his wife. He would also express that he wanted to "break their minds down", though it is unclear what, if anything, was meant by this. The kid learned to drive more safely and now runs a driving school that doubles as a woodworking club. Mom divorced Dad for good and went to live in a place that won't have her living out her life to the tune of Nickelback lyrics. Nickelback's bassist, Mike Kroeger, continued to wear that damn cowboy hat.

[Jjs Goodman]

Episode 8: 50 Ways to Make Me Laugh

This bizarre music video has quite a motley crew. Also, there are only 11 ways to say goodbye instead of 50. False advertising at its finest.

David Hasselhoff:

After standing around looking confused the whole video (as you probably were too), Hoff thought “well that was weird” and never appeared in another Train music video again. He doesn’t even remember how he met Pat Monahan or why he showed up to this. Maybe he imagined the whole thing like that time he let a sponge and starfish ride his back. Years later, he would eventually show off his singing talents in a much better song. 

The Mariachi Trio:

The Mariachi Trio were not compensated enough for their fantastic performance here, so they moved to Tentacle Acres where they would form a musical rivalry with the area’s Clarinet Trio. 

The Cashier:

After this life changing experience, The Cashier bragged to his friends that he met Pat Monahan, to which they replied “who?” He would eventually quit this barely minimum wage job and would apply for jobs at locations Train music videos take place in, hoping to meet the band again. He never did. 

The Grim Reaper:

After realizing Pat gave him the wrong items, the Reaper attempted to steal his soul, but it turns out Pat radiates such an uncanny aura that his soul cannot be taken. The Reaper is then trapped in You Can Finally Meet My Mom for all eternity, stealing celebrity souls for Pat’s death note list. A fate worse than death.

The Lion:

The Lion was not happy about his short screentime despite what Pat initially promised. He also didn’t get to actually eat anyone, lame. Years later, the lion lended his talents as Mufasa for the Lion King (2019) remake. His stunning delivery of “Simbuhh, *cough* you can’t escape your destiny!” was seen as a memorable career ending performance. He is currently unsure if he regrets that or this more.

Wait, this isn’t Characters in Train Music Videos: Where Are They Now? Oops. Help me help me, I’m no good at goodbyes.

(April Fools)