Episode 54: What If...Band Geeks Was a Season 7 Episode?
Bonjour. It is me, the French Narrator. I have been locked into the Tidal zZne and I cannot leave until I narrate this what if scenario to you.
Chocolate with Nuts. Dying for Pie. Krusty Krab Training Video. The Camping Episode. Truth or Square. Wet Painters. What do these episodes have in common? They’re all classic episodes of the show that are some of the most beloved episodes ever. But if you asked every single person who ever watched SpongeBob what their absolute favorite episode is, the most common answer would be Band Geeks. It is by far the most famous and well loved episode of the show. But what if it wasn’t a good episode at all? What if it was a shitty and infamous season 7 episode? In this universe, Band Geeks was produced and aired early on in Season 7’s life instead of season 2, resulting in a much worse episode.
The episode starts with Squidward playing his clarinet. He keeps trying to play it, but is disrupted by strange sounds coming from his front yard. Eventually, he finally starts playing, but an even louder sound is heard, causing him to jolt in surprise, accidentally poking the tip of his clarinet into his eye, which gets painfully stuck in it. He tries pulling it out of his eye, but in the process, he ends up also ripping off his entire skin in the process, showing his entire innards in oddly good detail.
Squidward: SPONGEBOB! PATRICK! WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING OUT HERE???
SpongeBob: Hi Squidward! Me and Patrick are pretending to be dying animals!
Squidward: ….pretending to be dying animals?
Patrick: Uh-huh! Here, let me show you: AUEUEUEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
(This causes lots of spit to fly right into Squidward’s face)
SpongeBob: You should join us Squidward! It’s really fun!
Squidward: …No.
SpongeBob: ok. Bye Squidward! We love you!
Squidward returns into his house where he gets a phone call.
Squidward: Hello, you’ve reached the house of unrecognized talent.
Squilliam: Hey loser! I mean Squidward, sorry I mix up those words sometimes.
Squidward: SQUILLIAM FANCYSON??? MY RIVAL AND ARCH-ENEMY FROM BAND CLASS?
Squilliam: Don’t say it like people don’t know, Squidward! I’ve actually succeeded in life, unlike you. And you’ve NEVER beaten me in anything, ever!
Squidward: Okay, and what have you succeeded in Squilliam? Showing off to random nitwits?
Squilliam. Being richer than you. And more famous than you. And being more handsome than you (he waves his unibrow even though Squidward can’t see that). And being way better at the clarinet than you. In fact, my band is supposed to play at the bubble bowl next week!
Squidward: The buh-buh-buh... The buh-buh-buh... The buh-buh-buh...?!
Squilliam: That's right. I'm living your dreams, Squidward. The problem is, I'm busy next week and can't make it. So, I was hoping you and your band could cover for us.
Squidward: Oh, uh, I, uhh...
Squilliam: I knew it! You don't even have a band! Well, I'll just let you get back to the cash register at the Krusty Krab now.
Squidward: Hold it! It just so happens that I don't sell fast food, I do have a band, and we're gonna play in the-
Patrick (from outside): AUEUEUEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Squidward: Jolts and stubs his tentacle on his kitchen table, which is shown horribly cut up in graphic detail while Squidward jumps in pain for 10 seconds OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW THAT STUPID IDIOT I’M GONNA-
Squilliam: Good luck with the Bubble Bowl, Squidward! You’re gonna need it. Hangs up
Squidward: Oh Neptune, how am I gonna make a new marching band before the bubble bowl? What am I gonna do?
SpongeBob: Suddenly in Squidward’s house I’ll join your band, Squidward!
Squidward: AHHHH-SPONGEBOB, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?
SpongeBob: I just wanted to smell your living room! Sniffs ahhhhh, it smells so great when you just played your clarinet with your amazing clarinet skills! Your band is gonna be soooo good, especially with me on it!
Squidward: Sigh I guess I’m desperate enough to take you on. Fine, SpongeBob, just be at the Krusty Krab with an instrument tomorrow night.
SpongeBob: Got it, Squidward!
Patrick (Who is also suddenly now in Squidward’s house): And I can be the lead singer! Begins trying to make dead animal sounds again
Squidward: Stops Patrick from making his sounds again No thanks, we don’t need a singer.
Squidward proceeds to bring flyers across all of Bikini Bottom inviting the citizens to join his band. Practice starts at 8:00 PM at the Krusty Krab, because for some reason every season 7 episode needs to make sure the Krusty Krab is in it. He explains what the point of the band is, and begins asking about what instruments people are going to play.
SpongeBob: Does my penis count?
Squidward: No.
(Note: This scene was cut from the episode and has never actually been seen. The only reason we know it exists is because of an edit to the List of Deleted Scenes page by an anonymous user on the SpongeBob Wikia who added it to the list. This is a very reliable source, so we do know it really did exist)
Patrick: I’m gonna play the Mayonnaise.
Squidward: Patrick, that’s not an instrument!
Patrick (Holding a jar of Mayonnaise): Yes it is! Opens the jar of Mayonnaise and proceeds to eat it in the grossest possible way, burping loudly after every time he swallows some of the mayonnaise. This scene goes on for 50 seconds with nothing else happening during that time.
Squidward: …so anyway, let’s try starting to play our instruments. Try to repeat after me Plays a bad note on his clarinet Okay, everyone else, try to play what I just did.
The rest of the band plays terribly, with SpongeBob in particular doing really badly with his drumming
Squidward: SpongeBob…what was that? How does that sound ANYTHING LIKE MUSIC???
SpongeBob: I just copied what you did Squidward! It really captured that nice, unique quality of your clarinet playing!
Squidward: GRRRRRRR…..
The first day didn’t go so well, but hopefully day two goes better, when they do an actual marching performance.
Squidward: Okay, that's perfect, everybody! Bubble Bowl, here we come! Flag twirlers, really spin those things! Okay, turn! Flag twirlers, let's go, I wanna see some spinning!
Police Officer: Do you have a license to be running a marching band here?
Squidward: Um….Yes
Police Officer: Can you show your license?
Squidward: Well, I…..um…..left it at home.
Police Officer: Hmm. Interesting….
The flag twirlers spin so hard that they lose grip of the flags and accidentally throw them at the police officer, the flags falling to the ground afterward.
Police Officer: Litter! We can’t be having that here. This marching band is being shut down! Gives a $10000 fee to Squidward for littering
Squidward: GRRRRRRRR…..
Day Three:
Squidward: How's that harmonica solo coming, Plankton?
Plankton: It's tremendous! You wanna see?
Plankton begins playing the harmonica, playing it perfectly despite his small size. There is no joke, fuck you, this is season 7. However, this is not the real Plankton, it’s a robot clone of him while the real Plankton sneaks into Mr. Krab’s office and blows up the safe, taking the secret formula for himself. This almost works, until a loud sound from the instruments causes him to fall over.
Mr Krabs: Noticing the sound of Plankton falling PLANKTONNNNNNNNNN GET BACK HERE WITH ME FORMULAR
This causes chaos throughout the Krusty Krab, while Mr Krabs chases Plankton, instruments are damaged or the people are injured, and people keep fighting each other.
Patrick: I’ll help you, Mr Krabs! With my special technique: He “plays” the mayonnaise, which doesn’t help in any way.
Squidward tries to get everyone to calm down, but eventually Plankton and Mr Krabs end up near Squidward, who ends up getting thrown into the kitchen and into the fryer, where he gets horribly burnt.
Squidward: Typical.
Day 4:
Squidward: Okay everyone, now let’s practice this section of the s-
Patrick: I’m hungry! I need food!
Squidward: It can wait until-
Patrick: NO! NOW!!!
Squidward Sigh SpongeBob, can you make us all krabby patties as a food break?
SpongeBob: Sure thing Squidward! He makes Krabby Patties and hands them out to everyone.
Mr Krabs: Hey wait a minute, why isn’t anyone payin' for our Krabby Patties???
Squidward: Well Mr. Krabs, I did say we would provide free food for everyone-
Mr Krabs: But it’s MY restaurant! These people need to pay! Otherwise I’m losing money! Runs over to a person eating a Krabby Patty You sir, you need to pay right now!
Incidental 89: No I don’t, it’s free!
Mr Krabs: No it’s NOT! Rips patty from the fish’s hands And you’re not getting this back unless you pay!
Patrick: Wait, are we doing a food fight? FOOD FIGHT!!!!
This ends up escalating into a huge fight between everyone, with people throwing food all over the place, attacking people with their instruments, and so on. Eventually, the entire Krusty Krab is destroyed, and everyone sees Squidward sadly staring at them.
Squidward: Well, you did it. You took my one chance at happiness... and crushed it. Crushed it into little, tiny, bite-sized pieces! I really had expected better of you people. I guess I'm a loser for that, too. Don't bother showing up tomorrow... I'll just tell them you couldn’t make it. So, thanks! Thanks for nothing!
SpongeBob: What kind of monsters are we? Squidward just wanted us to be a good band for the bubble bowl, to beat his arch-rival, and all we did was refuse to learn, and fight each other. We need to make it up to him and become the great band he wanted us to be!
The next day, Squidward is sadly walking over to the entrance to the bubble bowl.
Squidward: I should’ve known I couldn’t do it. I’m gonna have to tell them they need a different band. I just hope that……SQUILLIAM DOESN’T FIND OUT!
Squilliam is on the other side of the cave entrance, watching Squidward.
Squidward: Squilliam, what are you doing here?
Squilliam: I wanted to watch you blow it, Squiddy. So, where’s your band?
Squidward: They…..um……couldn’t make it.
Squilliam: Then who’s that? Pointing behind Squidward
Squidward: That would BE MY BAND???
SpongeBob: Hi Squidward! We’re ready for the performance! Staring at Squidward in a way like he wants to fuck him
Squilliam: What’s with that guy?
Squidward: That’s his….um…..that’s how he always is.
Squilliam laughs while Squidward looks down in despair, fearing that the performance would be a disaster. They enter a platform with a glass bowl over it, which rises up to enter the middle of a football stadium on land, which is created using absolutely terrible CGI. CGI that’s somehow even worse than THE TERRIBLE CGI.
Mr Krabs: Wow. I never knew the land above water looked so ugly.
SpongeBob: Or that the humans were so loud.
Patrick: Woah, this is some tasty looking mayonnaise!
Squidward: PATRICK! This is the land you buffoon!
Patrick: Oh. Wait, what’s mayonnaise again?
Squidward: GRRRRRRR…..
Announcer: Okay, football fans, put your hands together for the Bikini Bottom Super Band!
Squidward: Okay, everybody... glances at Squilliam, who grins smugly Let's get this over with. One, two, three…. four…..
The performance is a disaster. The music is just a horrible loud cacophony of sounds, and they barely even get to play any music before they stop playing because of how awful it is. The crowd erupts in roars of pain before boo’ing them. Squilliam is literally on the floor uncontrollably laughing, while Squidward is so stunned at how awful it was that he can’t even move. It was so bad that the band itself exploded, with the instruments completely destroyed and half the fish being taken away on a stretcher due to how injured they are.
Squilliam (after finally finishing laughing): Even I wasn’t expecting your band to be so awful, Squidward! That’s almost impressive! Well, luckily my own band is here to save the day!
Squilliam’s band performs a song named Sweet Victory, which is different from our own universe’s Sweet Victory. This song is actually super mid, and no one really cares about it, but in the episode itself, everyone loves it and considers it amazing.
Sandy: See Squidward, this is why you should NEVER try to follow your dreams! It never works out at all and always ends up failing! So it’s better to just not try at all!
Squidward tears up partway through the performance in sadness about how bad his band ended up being and how much Squilliam beat him, yet again. A policeman appears and asks Squidward if his clarinet is his, and when Squidward says it is, the policeman confiscates and destroys his clarinet, and sentences him to six years of community service for how horrible his performance was. This causes Squidward to cry even more, but this is interrupted by Patrick suddenly feeding him some of his mayonnaise, causing Squidward’s own head to explode, while the rest of his body is taken away in a stretcher. The episode ends with Squilliam jumping up in the air in happiness, like how our version of Band Geeks ends with Squidward.
Well, there you have it. That’s how Band Geeks is like in that universe. It truly is a Season 7 episode, that’s for sure, with many “beloved” Season 7 features like Squid Abuse, annoying Patrick, unfunny jokes, an unneeded Plankton trying to steal the formula subplot, random grossout that didn’t need to be included, and a terrible Sandy moral. The episode became very infamous among SpongeBob fans, being known for being one of the worst episodes of the series. The episode gave Mr. Enter depression for five days, was listed as “SCUMBOB” by PieGuyRulz, peaked at #4 on SBC’s Worst Episode List, and is the fifth lowest rated episode of the series on SBM.
Oddly enough though, it actually initially had a quite positive reception on tv.com. Many users praised the episode upon its airing, with many saying it was a return to form and even as good as pre-movie classics like Pizza Delivery and Stuck in the Wringer. User jjsthekid said it was one of the funniest episodes in recent times, and user Wumbo said he loved the mayonnaise gags. User JCM said that he was shocked that they managed to make a better Squilliam episode than his introductory episode “Squilliam”. Clappy said that he liked the song a lot, and Sebby said that it was one of the best episodes of the whole show. I have showed jjs his former comment regarding the episode and this is what he had to say:
Jjs: what the fuck
