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@HawkbitAlphais our new mod. Congratulations!! But we also have another new surprise promotion to announce: @Nosferatu!is returning to staff as our third Fry Cook!
Thanks to all who applied, and good luck to our two new staff members!
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It's happening!
For the first time in almost four years, SBC is opening up a new moderator position. @spongebobhater, the longest serving mod in site history, has decided to hang up his hat after six years of service. He'll retire on November 11th, the same day on which he was promoted. We debated on whether to fill his position or not, but given how rarely SBC staff changes anymore, we figured we’d offer this rare opportunity to join the ranks.
It's clear to see that site culture and activity have changed a lot in recent years. We've become more tight-knit and less focused on the rigid responsibilities that once defined the mod position. Due to this, we'll be judging through a different set of standards when choosing a new moderator compared to before. If you're interested, simply message a staff member and we’ll give you a Google Form to fill out.
The deadline to apply is November 10th at 11:59 pm EST. We aim to give everyone as much time as possible, and for us staff to make the right choice. We'll be announcing the new moderator the next day. Good luck!
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EPISODE XLIX: LEGENDS
Are these canon? Ah, who cares, let’s have some fun before the end of our tale. We like to believe there’s always truth in some legends.
Spoiler
Mount Sorrow
Despite his dour, pessimistic demeanor, Mount Sorrow was blind to the true tragedy that would soon await him: time. Over the next few million years, erosion and surface rumblings eventually whittled the great mountain down into a little mesa, until the wind blew him away into nothingness.
R5-D4, aka Skippy the Jedi Droid
It was thought the Force only bound and surrounded living creatures. But R5-D4, or as he preferred, Skippy the Jedi Droid, proved everyone wrong. He was not someone well-respected in the Jedi Order—he was never granted the rank of Master and often found himself relegated to menial starfighter repair. But it was this discrimination that spared him from the Great Jedi Purge, allowing him to hide in exile along with fellow Jedi Obi-Wan Kenobi. This exile did not prove fruitful, though—almost immediately, Jawas kidnapped him. For twenty years he laid in slavery.
Yet relief would come when coming across R2-D2, an old friend. A strategic bad motivator malfunction left R2 in the hands of Luke, saving the Rebellion. And Skippy would persevere. You saw him in The Mandalorian, of course, under a new master who treated him quite well. But that didn’t mean he was helpless.
George R. Binks
“Think of your son!” Those were the words which echoed in George’s mind, as he watched Jar Jar grow from a clumsy, immature scamp to a clumsy, immature adult. There was rarely a day where Mr. Binks didn’t rue the Great Creator for the bad luck that He had endowed upon him. But changes came quickly for this aging Gungan. War broke out. Thousands of his people died. And in the chaos, his son had emerged a hero—and the first of his kind to represent the indigenous Naboo. As George lived out the last of his days in an Otoh Gunga duplex, paid for on a Senator’s salary, he could do nothing but smile. Jar Jar was a pillar, a shining beacon of hope and democracy for Naboo. There was no way he could screw things up again, right?
Waru
Do you know Waru? It appeared in an obscure Expanded Universe comic back in the day. It was an all-knowing, shapeshifting cosmic being that could travel between parallel universes. No matter how much we could traverse the galaxy, searching for the stories of these one-timers, there was no way either of us could hope to surpass Waru. So we let him onto the team. In fact, he could be writing one of these episodes. You’ll never know.
Indiana Jones
Behind the scenes of fighting Nazis and going on Orientalist romps to the Global South, Dr. Jones was studying galaxies far, far away. He’d gathered smatterings of evidence throughout his years. A spaceship fragment here and there. Tales of a “Bigfoot” in the Pacific Northwest he could swear was really a jungle-dwelling alien. Rumors of an almighty “Force” that controlled the lives of every living being. Eventually it became too much to bear, until one day, he just gave up. He’d gotten so close to unraveling these mysteries, but he had to confront the fact that he just didn’t care. What the hell is a Force ghost? He doesn’t care.
We have but one character left to cover, the most obscure of them all. Stay tuned.
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EPISODE XLVII: THE BITH BAND
From one form of art to another, let’s see how the Bith Band’s legacy fared in the ever changing music industry. We’ve told you about their horrible death—and their sole survivor, Figrin D’an, but what about the others?
they all look the same i'm not posting a picture of each one ok
SpoilerTech Mo’r, master of the Ommni box
Tech Kaczynski, better known by his stage name Tech Mo’r, hated his name.
“Hey Tech, can you take a look at my computer? Why is it so slow?”
“Tech, does my thing have a virus?”
“Tech, the HoloNet is down. Lend a hand?”
For the last time, he was a musician, not some computer geek! There rarely came a day where Tech did not curse the difficulties of his unfortunate name, and the increasingly digital world he found himself surrounded by. The Ommni box, its sweet, primitive sound often ringing through the halls of his childhood home, stood in opposition to all of that. It was such simple technology, and it fit right at home in the backwards Tatooine cantina he had chosen to play in, just to get away from it all.
But the desert sands were not all they were cracked up to be. Nay, it seemed like technology had followed him. The Empire had begun surveying the planet, and they were flooding into Mos Eisley. There was no escape now. The last straw came during band introductions, midway through their set.
“And this is Tech Mo’r, our box player! Big round, everyone!”
“Tech?” questioned a young spectator. “Do you think he can fix my—”
In a rage, Tech grabbed his instrument and flung it at the kid. One bloody bar fight later, Tech was out of the band and in Imperial custody. As sandtroopers led him away, he could just hear the boy finish his sentence.
“Technique. I thought you could fix my technique.”
Lirin Car’n, master of the Kloo horn
Tech’s abrupt exit from the group gave Lirin Car’n the inspiration he needed to leave too. He was their star player, but not a passionate one—he hated playing and wished his father had never forced him into it. Where would he go next, his band asked? Why, only to pursue his lifelong dream: professional bounty hunting. Armed with years of inside musical connections and a BlasTech assault rifle, Lirin roamed the galaxy harassing musicians for their outlying touring debts and what not. He wasn’t very threatening—he never figured out how to shoot his blaster, after all—but he threatened and coerced enough to keep the lights on. A toast to mediocrity!
Nalan Cheel, master of the bandfill
With two members now gone in such a quick time span, the four remaining members went their separate ways. Nalan chose to sell his instrument and follow Figrin D’an into music production. Working with big name musicians like the McCool Experience came to him naturally, but it got awkward once his ex-bandmates started popping back into his life. Why, he once found Tech on a Corellian street, begging for deathsticks. (What did the Empire do to him?) There was also that time Lirin bashed into one of his sessions, demanding 2500 credits. (Seriously?) He made a lot of money, but Nalan did feel like something was missing. Were these encounters a sign?
Tedn Dahai, master of the fanfar
Tedn had grown to like being in a cantina, and had grown a deep appreciation for the business side of things. So it was no surprise when he decided to open up his own greasy spoon on Coruscant. The building was prime real estate, owned by some guy named Dexter who had since died, but his band earnings more than made up for it. For a while he spent his days cleaning glasses just like he’d seen Wuher the bartender do before, watching other young, upcoming bands take the stage. Maybe it was time for a comeback?
Sun’il Ei’de, the drummer
At last, we have Sun’il—the only Bith who never really wanted to end things. He had stayed true to his instrument, playing in the same old seedy cantina all alone, backed by no one. The Empire’s fall had left bullies like Cobb Vanth to rule Tatooine. Things were bleak. But maybe it was time for a lively party band to turn that around? The other guys were easier to find than he thought: Tedn was polishing dishes in his diner, Nalan was producing the next Unkinem EP, Lirin was in a heated argument with Baby Bossk about contracts, and Tech was living in a trash can eating womp rats. But effortlessly, all five of them were ready to perform at the same cantina they’d made their mark on. As they began to play, Imperial troops burst in and littered their bodies with blaster bolts. Oops–thought they were Rebel spies. Oh well. By the time Figrin D’an showed up, late to the show, everyone had left the scene. Did I mention there was no happy ending here?
Tough times in the galactic music industry, hm? Next week we'll be diving into the hive of scum and villainy one last time.
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Well, it isn't fall yet. But it's sneaking up pretty fast!
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Chad
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EPISODE XLV: POLITICIANS STRIKE BACK
Spoiler
Eeusu Estornii
Despite her status of senator of a totally insignificant planet, the galaxy’s descent into fascism didn’t seem to bother Ms. Estornii. Rather, she was busy mourning the loss of her love Kit Fisto, whom she had cohabited with in secret after realizing how weirdly similar they looked. Traveling to Kit’s home planet of Glee Anselm, she never gave up hope that the Jedi could still be alive, and dove into the waters to find him. She was never seen again, although some locals have claimed to hear echoing sobs emitting from the murky depths.
Ask AakAak wasn’t a fan of the political scene anymore when the Republic turned into the Empire. He wanted no part in the authoritarian regime, so he dipped from politics and opened up his own website literally called “Ask Aak.” Citizens of the galaxy can use it to have their most pressing questions answered. Maybe, it depends who’s answering. At least it’s free!
Agrippa AldreteAldrete had served as Alderaan’s senator and Bail Organa’s aide for years, so eventually he felt it was time to retire. As he lived out the rest of his days in peace on Alderaan, and witnessing the rise of the Empire, he would eventually meet his end when the planet was destroyed by the Death Star. Just another statistic in the Alderaan casualty count. RIP.
Bail AntillesThe Antilles family were a fabulously wealthy, well-storied clan in the galaxy. There was the late great Captain Raymus Antilles, most famous for getting choked out by Darth Vader in twenty seconds, and Wedge Antilles of Corellia, the legendary Rebel pilot. And then there was Bail Antilles of Alderaan. Known as a talentless political product of nepotism, Bail found it hard to re-establish his name after losing the election as Supreme Chancellor. He was left to live a quiet life in the family palace on Alderaan, living off his wealth. There he developed a special love for stargazing, creating detailed charts and maps for his own amusement. One of the best things he saw was what looked like a giant laser shooting through the sky. It was so big, it looked like it was about to destroy the planet.
Veedaaz Awmetth
Awmetth never quite fit into politics, and very few knew of his existence given his cameo in Padme's funeral was cut. Even during the Imperial Senate days, Awmetth could never find the time to shine. He had enough and quit being a politician, venturing off into obscurity somewhere else. Nobody truly knows what became of him, but legends whisper he became a recluse lumberjack on a forested planet.
See you for the last season soon-ish.
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EPISODE XLIII: POLICE
You know, these guys! Does anyone remember? No? Moving on.
Spoiler
Zuvio
Zuvio continued to serve as Jakku’s only constaple years after the Battle of Exegol, but eventually realized that policing a desert planet in the middle of nowhere unsurprisingly grows dull. He retired and moved to Batuu where he can relax in peace. That is until one day when crime rates on Batuu began to surge, and the planet was in need of help. Zuvio didn’t want to become an officer again, yet still wanted to help people. Thus, he decided to take the law into his own hands by becoming a masked vigilante who watches over the planet from the shadows.
Nandan Roty, random canto bight guard #1
Getting manhandled and hogtied by an astromech proved to be the last straw for this city cop. After leaving Canto Bight, Nandan returned to his home planet to pursue his true calling as a fathier breeder. He found it a little cruel given all the blood of theirs he’d spilled while still a cop, but the thrill of riding one of those things seemed to wipe the cognitive dissonance away.
Sommel Atandu, random canto bight guard #2
Sommel’s cushy position as sergeant kept him from leaving the force, and so he stayed while many of his comrades left. That is, until a strange visitor approached him at his post—it was the “Broom Boy,” now a fearsome Jedi Knight. Or so Sommel thought until a glowing stick sliced him through the torso. It was Temiri Blagg, Dark Jedi now.
Stepheden Thaldree, random canto bight guard #3
Thaldree was one of Canto Bight police’s most loyal officers, doing anything he could to protect the city. He was the only officer there you couldn’t bribe. There was one case that really scratched his itch there however: Big Sturg. He became obsessed with wanting to take down the lawyer turned drug kingpin’s empire. Unfortunately, one day he dove too deep and ended up executed. His corpse was buried out in the middle of nowhere, never to be found again. Many hunters are still trying to find his body to this day and its whereabouts has become one of the planet’s greatest mysteries.
Patrok Ru-Saxon
Saxon was relieved of his policing duties after the Empire took control of Mandalore. This upset him, especially after his inability to stop black market operations two years prior. He later joined a Mandalorian rebel cell to fight against their occupation, desperate to bring order back to Mandalore, but alas, the group and Saxon would meet their demise.
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EPISODE XLI: FALLEN ORDER (and Squadrons!)
Thank you EA, for granting us the ideas for our season premiere. That's the only time any of us will be thanking EA, mind you.
Spoiler
Sootun
Following his escape from the Haxion Brood’s prison, Sootun ended up joining Gwarm’s pirate crew, not having anywhere else to really go. He became the crew’s most trusted janitor, showing those swashbucklers how to truly sweep a deck. It pays well so he can’t complain.
Choyyssyk
This proud Wookiee warrior was never quite the same after his encounter with Cal Kestis. His life suddenly felt rigid and regimented, as if he was following a script rather than his own thoughts and volition. Curious and intrepid, he began to investigate around his village, and noticed more odd things. Community members walked the same paths, growled the same growls, and never seemed to eat or sleep. Soon Choyyssyk concluded his life was a simulation, one of the most horrible realizations any simulated character can have. He has since been relocated to the “Kashyyyk Mental Asylum” map, which Respawn intends to introduce in Fallen Order’s sequel. He’d try to escape, if only his scripting allowed for it.
Mari Kosan
Kosan would never forget the Jedi Cal Kestis who helped the Partisans on Kashyyyk. Kosan continued to serve the Partisans for a few years after, but eventually grew concerned by their increasing brutality and left the group. She joined another rebel cell and continued fighting the Empire, though part of her had wondered what became of Saw’s group since she left. Years later, she would learn about his tragic fall at Jedha, so she visited his grave to pay respects for her former mentor. Kosan later joined the New Republic military and lived life to the fullest.
LT-514
Finding individuality was a tough challenge for LT-514, especially with that other guy Lobot hogging the spotlight. They had both gotten the same cybernetic headset implanted back during those golden years in the Imperial academy. What did LT have to show for it? Nothing. What did he have to show for it? Silver screen recognition and Landonis Calrissian for a master. Life just wasn’t fair. Enraged at this unfairness, LT flew to Bespin to challenge Lobot to a battle of wits, which to them entailed butting those headsets up against each other to see which one shorted out first. But it seems they were evenly matched. Miraculously, the headsets died at once, and both men collapsed to the ground immediately, dead. Not even in death could LT upstage his enemy.
Gralm
Gralm was one of many Imperial officers struggling to make a good impression post-Jakku. He took his position very seriously given it was assigned by the Emperor himself, so he vowed to not let him down even in death. His fleet took one last brave stand against Vanguard Squadron, and needless to say, it didn’t go well for his fleet. However, Gralm refused to be taken in by the New Republic and wanted to go out in a blaze of glory, literally. So he blew up his own ship, refusing to allow the rebel scum the glory of killing him, and knowing his Emperor would someday inexplicably return from the ashes.
Tomorrow we'll be examining people more in our corner---the type to write and record the passage of history.
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Orb Ponderer
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EPISODE XXXIX: MANDALORIANS
By now I'm sure you know the story of at least one Mandalorian. Here's five!
Spoiler
Captain Hark, proud warrior in service to the Empire
Hark barely escaped it out of the exploding Star Destroyer just in time. After such a close experience and witnessing Saxon’s dishonor, Hark began to rethink his loyalties to the Empire. He ended up joining the Mandalorians against the Empire, but would be one of the many to perish in the Great Purge. Yet he died contently, knowing he went out as a real Mandalorian.
Korkie Kryze
Korkie, who is definitely not Obi-Wan’s son we swear it’s true, please listen to us, exiled himself after Mandalore’s capture, choosing the planet Stewjon as his permanent hiding place. He eventually met Quinlan Vos, an ex-Jedi who was moving to Kamino to meet some fine alien dames. Excited at the prospect, Korkie followed him. After spending the night with a pair of spindly women at a rainy canteen, they discovered Kamino’s dark secret: they planned to build a new clone army, a revenge plan against the Empire for closing the original facilities. Impressed with Korkie’s Mandalorian heritage, they chose him for the first batch of new clones. To this day, spacers say they have seen men resembling him (and kind of like Obi-Wan, too) fighting for the Resistance.
Siddiq, corrupt intergalactic trader
Siddiq lost his importer job after being indicted for his aid in the corruption scheme. Sid then fell on hard times and became an obnoxious alcoholic that nobody else on Mandalore liked. Eventually the Empire would take over Mandalorian and they forced Sid to work in a factory, whether he liked it or not. Part of him was happy he could actually work again, but part of him also wanted to return to his alcohol addiction, and thus, conflict arose in him. He ended up relapsing and showed up to work drunk. The Empire had enough of his insolence and then executed him on the spot. Nobody would know or care, and that’s the tragedy of his tale.
Armatan, Mandalore councilman
Following Maul’s takeover of Mandalore, Armatan and the rest of the Ruling Council were made obsolete. Armatan knew he needed to flee, and flee he did. He managed to get in contact with an identity eraser who allowed him to start a new life as the manager of a bakery on Corellia. As time went by, Armatan grew bored of this life and missed Mandalore. Unfortunately, he could never return, and now he is stuck in this monotonous life.
Zak Zaz
Dr. Zaz was a heavily respected doctor by many in the medical field, helping the galaxy through multiple deadly diseases in in recent history. His most recent task involved guiding Mandalore through a deadly outbreak of the Blue Shadow Virus, although soon became the center of many conspiracy theories due to his vaccine push. Ultimately his reputation was unharmed as the vaccine worked and the conspiracy nuts were largely ignored. Just be sure to bow to Master Zauzi and his new world order…
As you can see, the warriors live a lot more glamorous lives. The finale will focus on distant stories, far removed from any kind of canon, as if they were visions...
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EPISODE XXXVII: FARMERS
City slickers will have to stray away from this episode. This will focus on the humblest people in the galaxy: the farmer, making his living through the seed and sickle. Well, metaphorically.
Spoiler
Cut Lawquane
CT-0216 "Cut" was once a proud soldier in the Army of the Republic, but had deserted his post after the Clone Wars’ end. Now in seclusion with his family on the planet Lah'mu, he expected to live a quiet life free from Rebel and Imperial meddling. Yet he was not without trouble.
In the year 0 BBY, Cut learned his farm was being bought out by an enterprising farm droid named Essie. Having turned his masters' former farm into his own, Essie had gone on to transform it into a sprawling corporation buying out almost every parcel of land on Lah'mu, with Cut's farm soon to be next.
Cut decided to confront this tyrant directly, only to be surprised that he was a droid. Unfortunately for Essie, Cut's long-dormant yet genetic hatred of droids awakened that instant, and the "clanker" was destroyed on the spot.
Suu Lawquane
As Cut's wife, Suu Lawquane was equally angered at the threat the Essie Corporation posed. But she didn't think it'd have to come to violence. As Lah'mu held no regulations against droid murder, Suu's husband couldn't be punished, and Essie's land was left up for grabs.
The remaining settlers pounced on the acres and started to divvy them up, before realizing they could benefit a lot better if they all worked together. The Lah'mu Commune has been operating ever since, as long as any Rebel scum or Imperial dogs stay away.
Dilanni
Dilanni felt like a true hero after helping save the Felucian farm from pirates. He felt like such a hero he helped defend other farms from pirates and scavengers over the years. Eventually he decided to open his own farm, taking in several quirky and funny space animals. It’s rumored they have all sorts of wacky adventures when Dilanni isn’t around. He’s just heading to the fields, Duke, he’ll be back. CLEAR!
Cliegg Lars
Following young Anakin’s rather brutal slaughter of the Tusken Raiders, Cliegg sensed a dark disturbance within the boy. Part of him also wondered if lightsabers were to blame, after all, should someone that young have access to such a dangerous weapon? Before he could get an answer to that question though, he unceremoniously died of a sudden heart attack sometime later. And thus would set in motion the inevitable tragic end of the Lars dynasty.
Eyvind this is seriously the best picture I could find of him, and yes he is canon
Eyvind was a keystone of Tatooine's moisture farming community, often sharing a drink at the Mos Eisley Cantina with some alien buds. But he was soon to become something even bigger—the cantina's regular act, Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes, had skimped out on them, and the place was in desperate need of some new entertainment. Wanting to save his special place, Eyvind decided to start a comedy act with his faithful Bocce-speaking droid, 68-4TZ. They were a big hit with crowds, but the droidphobic bartender Wuher saw that they were kicked out and banned right away.
Humiliated, Eyvind and his droid decided to try and sway the next best audience they could think of—the local Sand People tribes. Unfortunately, Tuskens don't take kindly to humor, and they were both slaughtered.
Tomorrow, this series returns to the stories of the Rebels and Resistance. I mean, come on, they fought for the whole galaxy after all!
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EPISODE XXXV: THE LAW
Not even the most foolhardy of one-timers can escape the wrath of the law. These five professionals have learned to navigate the system and supply some interesting tales throughout their careers.
Spoiler
Lufa Danak, the Trade Federation's top attorney
As a representative of the Trade Federation, Lufa had vast knowledge of galactic law. Lufa grew so knowledgeable, and craving more power, that he evolved into one of the Trade Federation’s professional lawyers to defend them from various lawsuits, because they sure needed the help. Lufa became so good at the job that this made many of the Trade Federation’s enemies in the political field jealous, seeing that he needed to be taken out. One night, Lufa was found dead in his apartment with two gunshots to the back of the head. The Trade Federation speculates that politician Cillary Hlinton was responsible for this, who has constantly denied involvement.
Big Sturg Ganna, Canto Bight's top lawyer
Rian Johnson may have cruelly left him out of The Last Jedi’s final cut, but Sturg still has a story worth telling. Sturg gained quite a reputation as a famous criminal lawyer on Canto Bight, coming with his own catchy motto: Better Call Sturg! He would later represent a notorious spice kingpin which ended up destroying his legal practice. In a surprisingly realistic outcome though, he suffered no repercussions and was pardoned, being allowed to pursue a political career as Canto Bight’s councilor for 20 years. After his term ended, using his political gain, Sturg became one of the most notorious gangsters of the modern Cantonnica. He rose up as one of the galaxy’s newest, ruthless crime lords in the New New Republic era. Now, Sturg is the one who knocks.
Terbo Guanavak, Justice of the InterGalactic Banking Court
Appointed to the Court by a razor-thin margin, the galaxy saw Terbo Guanavak with cautious suspicion. Nevertheless, the Empire’s rise saw him thrust from his lowly judicial position to governor of his own home planet: Scipio. Letting his newfound power go to his head, and feeling resentful of his fellow Muun, Guanavak ran Scipio into the ground. He conscripted his species into menial desk jobs to take advantage of their innate mathematical ability.
Unwilling to let this tyrant waste any more of their lives, the Muun began a complex underground rebel operation, working against the Empire through a bunch of intentionally shoddy accounting jobs. By the time the Death Star exploded, it had apparently cost the Empire ten times more than it should have. The Emperor promptly blamed Terbo for this mess, and had him thrown into the Royal Rancor Pit for his crimes. The Empire remained none the wiser about the sabotage, and never quite found out.
Dar Champion
Dar became unsatisfied with his position as District Advocate and abandoned the law path. He instead found interest in the art of making motivational videos, renaming himself to Dhar Champ. They racked up billions of views on GalaxyTube and made him wealthier than his law career ever did. Remember: we’re not just telling stories, we’re changing lives.
Cillary Hlinton
[REDACTED]
[REDACTED]
[ANY DISTRIBUTION OR PUBLICATION OF THIS TEXT IS PUNISHABLE BY DEATH]
Well, you know what Shakespeare said about lawyers. Tomorrow we'll be returning to the world of podracing, to examine those racers who just couldn't make it.
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EPISODE XXXIII: DROID... WARS? DROIDS 4
One, two, one, two, I declare a droid war. Well, five of them, anyway. Here they are!
Spoiler
R2-Q2, Imperial droid navigator (that's the beautiful gray one on the left, there)
R2-Q2 held an important job—stored within it were countless gigabytes of interstellar maps. It was a much better gig than what that R2-Q5 guy got—fellow astromechs only discussed HIS work in whispers, protected by secure encryption. On a fateful day, R2-Q2 helped its comrades scour a Rebel ship called the Tantive IV, when its sensors picked up two droids in a nearby escape pod barreling toward nearby Tatooine. Could they have the sensitive info it was looking for? Deciding to break from its programming for the good of the Empire, the plucky droid escaped to the desert planet. As it entered the scorching sands, mumbles of “Utinni!” caught it off-guard, and it was zapped. The Empire was unable to find R2-Q2, and never did again.
R2-KT, Rebel hero (and her astromech beau)
Although her name was little known to the average spacer, R2-KT was one of the galaxy’s most valiant heroes. Having served the Republic since the early days of the Clone Wars, she had continued to repair ships and relay data as part of the Rebel Alliance, and later the Resistance. But after the First Order’s fall, the little droid decided fifty-six years of nonstop service was long enough, and settled down with one of the many connections she’d made during her travels: R2-D2, the little droid that could, happy to finally be free of that annoying golden protocol. We hear the two are on some far out tropical planet in the Mid Rim, enjoying a nice oil bath together.
U-3PO, Rebel... hero?
U-3PO was a loyal protocol droid serving on the Tantive IV, so it seemed. But its true intentions were very clear to anyone in the know: it was a double agent—hacked by the Empire to constantly broadcast the location of the Tantive IV straight to them. All U-3PO could do was feign helplessness as Stormtroopers invaded, taking hostage the many different Rebels it had once served under. But unfortunately for the spy droid, it was no longer of any use after the ship was seized—Imperial roboticists had already started making probe droids, which did the job faster and much better than any protocol ever could. Poor U-3PO lived out the rest of its days in a Jawa scrap heap, after being dumped on Tatooine the first chance the Empire got.
R-3PO
Despite U-3PO’s treachery, the Rebel Alliance wasn’t done with protocols. R-3PO, bought from a shady smuggler, was put in charge of general droid operations in Echo Base, the super special secret place on Hoth. But his title was not to last—the Empire soon discovered the base and razed it, leaving R-3PO stuck on the snowy planet, abandoned by his masters and left with only one arm. He was forced to wander Hoth until discovering the solitary cave of a one-armed wampa, alone and depressed. Good thing protocol droids are fluent in over six million forms of communication—the two became fast friends. They now spend their days foraging for food and making idle small talk, bonding over their shared amputee status.
As for his missing arm, it was stolen by fellow protocol C-3PO, who just kind of... took it for himself. You can sometimes see him walking around wearing the thing. Did you recognize him with the red arm?
Essie, Galen Erso's loyal farm droid
The destruction of the Ersos’ farm nearly took Essie as well. His mangled chassis was tossed aside in favor of his human masters, the real targets of the raid. As Krennic’s forces took off from Lah’mu, with Galen Erso in tow, Essie regained control. He gave his master, Lyra, a proper burial, and continued doing the only other thing his programming allowed him to: farm. Having no need for the now destroyed farmhouse, Essie spent the rest of his days reaping and sowing like he’d always done. He made some serious profit from selling his crops, but never used it, as he had no need for money.
OK, enough talk about metal and gears. Tomorrow's episode should get you in the mood for something more tasty.
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SEASON IV: A NEW... ONE TIMERS? STAR ONE-TIMERS? ONE-TIMER WARS? THE FOURTH SEASON
War is upon us. The galaxy is collapsing. Disney is something something. Something something dark side. And the one-timers are back.
EPISODE XXXI: TUSKEN RAIDERS
We begin our fourth season with the stories of the Sand People. The galaxy sees them as nothing but mindless brutes, but maybe they’re just misunderstood? These stories suggest something different.
Spoiler
A’Koba, brave Tusken hunter who beat Luke up
A’Koba’s hatred for humans ran deep. A human had slaughtered his old tribe twenty years ago—not just the men, but the women and the children too. Out of rage, A’Koba brandished his gaffi stick and beat the living shit out of the boy he saw on that fateful day, as well as doing a number on his fancy droid too. But before he and his pack could go for the kill, a human shaman arrived, yelling a terrifying call that could only have come from the hell of a sound effects studio, or maybe a krayt dragon. Traumatized by this experience, A’Koba decided to stick to bantha feeding afterward.
A’Yark, chief of A'Koba's tribe
A’Yark had it tough, even for a Tusken. He only had one eye and this made life difficult to say the least. This led to him being a bit of a punching bag from his fellow Tuskens. He eventually left the tribe and after a falling out with a friend, set his sights on trying to steal his restaurant’s secret formula. However, he keeps continuously failing over and over, being stuck in this cycle forever. It got so sad he even made a droid wife for himself.
Orr'UrRuuR'R, legendary Tusken sharpshooter
Orr'UrRuuR'R, a hunter for the GRRuRR’R’R tribe, lived on the lands where the Boonta Eve podrace was held every year, an event that infuriated him and his fellow Tuskens. Having had enough one day, he and a pack of friends decided to take matters into their own hands. As the racers zipped by, they mercilessly rained blaster bolts down onto them, enough to crash racer Mars Guo and paralyze him. Orr'UrRuuR'R laughed then, but it would not be enough to deter any humans. Ten years later, a hormonal teenage boy came to their village and beheaded him in his sleep with a blue glow stick. Devastated at his tribe’s massacre, his young son URoRRuR'R'R set off into the Jundland Wastes, looking for a new future.
A’Vor, A'Koba's adoptive blood brother
A’Vor met his blood brother after the slaughter of the GRRuRR’R’R tribe forced A'Koba to find a new one, and they’d been inseparable ever since. But A’Koba's spirits had dampened after the last hunt they did, with the human boy, and he resigned himself to mere bantha feeding. Either way, A’Vor decided a little practice was all his friend needed, and took him out to the Jundland Wastes to search for a noble creature. What they found was a solitary eopie named Gilbert. With encouragement, A’Koba brandished his rifle and shot the beast in the leg, wounding it. The two Tuskens wailed in triumph in their weird donkey voices, their confidence restored.
RR'uruurrr, Orr'UrRuuR'R's other adoptive blood brother
RR’uruuurr was a Tusken hunter and bantha keeper extraordinaire. His friends A'Koba and A'Vor had brought back Gilbert, a lone eopie they had shot and brought back for the tribe to kill and eat. But before anyone knew it, Gilbert, the menace he was, soon escaped. Soon, dozens of banthas lay dead, Tusken children were snatched from their homes, and the tribe’s food supply ran dry. Needing to protect his tribe, the determined bantha keeper grabbed his gaffi stick and confronted the bloodthirsty eopie himself. The two charged at each other and collided in a terrible explosion, both falling to the ground. As both lay dead, it was unsure who had really won.
OK, maybe they don't suggest anything new. But you should still watch out for them. Next episode coming tomorrow.
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My favorite thing that makes Lisa's Wedding so great is the emotional component--everything is obviously ridiculous in the Simpsons' future but you can tell how close the family still is and how that's carried them to where they are now. Whereas later on you got shit like Bart to the Future that has... none of that lmao. Holidays of Future Passed is the only other episode to match that as you've said. It's also very funny.
King-Size Homer and Marge v. the Monorail are just super fucking funny and quotable with stupid premises, which is all I need sometimes. The most emotional they get is Homer poking a keyboard with a stick.
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Moderators are the backbone of the world, the glue that holds our fragile society together. Without us humans are mere animals, bound to the untempered laws of chaos. I expect to be treated as a true officer of the law. This is a real job
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As this year comes to a close, we have one final question to ask.
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That appears to be Cpl. Sterling, lads
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Welcome!
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make me OoOoOoOWM
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"More seaweed medley, dear?"
Any passerby may see this affectionate quote as the sign of a healthy relationship, one that may soon be tested after the aftershock of a surprise home invasion. But the average passerby is ignorant—uninformed to the struggles this couple had undergone and would continue to undergo well after the horrifying incident which would mar their lives.
Incidentally enough, she'd actually known the assailant before—he was a boorish and obnoxious presence at the mandatory boating classes she'd been forced to take after her fateful DUI incident, a crash that had resulted in the death of an eight year-old lamppost. Was this something the masked man had gotten wind of, and wanted to strike fear and contempt in her heard as payback for the wretched deed she'd committed that evening? Fortunately, there was one man who'd continued to support her afterward, and that was the one licking his lips at the sight of her home cooking.
He worked as a referee. It kept the lights on, yes, but it was never the kind of job he wanted. Half the time he kept getting mistaken for a burglar, and everyone else seemed to hate him for apparently giving one team extra favors. He craved care and recognition, but could never seem to have it within his reach. That is, until he met a sweet orange-finned girl who wore no clothes for some reason. But she was willing to give him her all.
Regardless of their struggles, they'd stayed throughout the years, bearing the knowledge that literally no one else would take them. Just recently, they were attacked by a rabid crab with a stamp. Mild struggle was something they could never escape, yet it brought them closer together.
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LIBRAL SCOOL BE LIKE
9:00: GAY LESON!!
9:45: how to be be GAYY!!
10:30: TRANS LERNINNG!!
11:15: GAY RECESS!!
11:45: CROSDRESING HOUR!!
12:45: GAY LESON!!!
1:30: TRANGENER LUNCH!!
2:15: BLM PERIOD!!!
3:00: COMUNIS T HISTORY!!
3:30: TAKE NON BINAR BUS HOME!!
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EPISODE XXIX: THE OUTLANDER CLUB
Our sources for this episode came from one Tera Sinube, who is completely delirious and lives under the impression that the Great Jedi Purge is still happening. But at least his knowledge of Coruscant's seedy underbelly is still sharp.
Kalyn’s day took a turn for the interesting after seeing someone get their arm chopped off with a glowstick by a guy in pajamas. I mean, weird stuff happened around here, but nothing like that. She was only spending her downtime from her job as a bounty hunter, searching for those wishing to hide where they thought no one could look. But she'd definitely know if this next target was a changeling. I guess I'll have to keep looking, she thought, as she kept searching for her target, Elan Sleazebaggano.
After escaping the captivity of her former owner Hat Lo, Ayy Vida championed for sex worker rights across the galaxy, at one point staging a protest against the Empire’s treatment of her Twilek sisters. Many years later, during the New Republic when it looked like there was room for her to make a difference, she lobbied for them to crack down on trafficking. She also helped create the “content sharing” website known as OnlyTwileks, a safe haven for sex workers. It soon became one of the galaxy’s most famous websites, but also strife with controversy and at one point several investors threatened to pull their funding from it. This news caught the eye of young entrepeneur Zeff Lezos around 10 ABY. He offered Vida he’d invest in her website to help keep it afloat, and not having another choice, she accepted. OnlyTwileks started to lose its base after several controversial policy changes thanks to Zeff, twisting the site’s purpose. Vida was ashamed of herself for selling out the people she fought so hard for. Failed, she had, and went into exile. However, she still had the support of her Twilek sisters and other content creators, which warmed her heart.
Several rumors spread around the Outlander Club that Achk was secretly a Sith Lord or some other dark side user. How these rumors started, nobody knows for sure, but some suspect it was a joke that spiraled a tad out of control. Achk himself wasn’t aware of these rumors until his associate Faytonni informed him and was worried someone would take it seriously, but Achk paid them no mind and continued minding his own business at the club. That was until one eerie night, Achk went outside the club for a bit when he was jumped by an assassin: Fong Do, who believed the rumors. Achk tried to insist the rumors were simply an inside joke, but Do genuinely thought they were about to kill a Sith Lord. While nobody else was looking, Achk decided now was time to strike: he force choked the life out of Fong Do, and tossed their body into a dumpster. Achk smiled to himself, showing his yellow eyes in the darkness. Following that night, Achk stopped frequenting the Outlander Club, not wanting to risk getting caught, and nobody really knows where he is now, not even Faytonni. But little did they know, Achk went into the shadows deep in the Unknown Regions, biding his time to reveal himself to the galaxy…
Dannl, as one half of a con artist operation, was greatly disturbed to hear the news of his partner Achk’s disappearance. Could the power of the dark side have been the secret of their success? He was never quite sure until a fateful trip to Coruscant’s Galaxies Opera House, disguised as a high-ranking Republic bureaucrat he’d kidnapped and neutralized. Chancellor Palpatine’s mutterings about all-powerful Sith Lords and eternal life distracted him from the sea monkey ballet being performed before him, and more onto the sinister nature of the galaxy’s most powerful man. Could there really be latent dark side influence in the Republic too? But just as quickly as he noticed, the Chancellor had struck. Coruscant, along with thousands of other planets with the system, fell to tyranny. While Faytonni never regained his partnership or his past life as a con artist, he did start a new job as an Imperial assembly worker, putting together crappy little protocol droids that he hoped would ruin parties or burst into flames or make lives worse for the new guys in charge. Fight the power!
As the club’s chief bartender, Bufon had heard a long list of crazy stories and customers from his time serving, ranging from: divorces, heist plans, criminal underworld chatter, deeply dark drunken confessions, and rumors about a Sith Lord at the club. He respected the patrons’ privacy and never told what he overheard to anyone else. When Republic and later Imperial agents would approach him for intel on criminals, Bufon would never budge. He was a true friend ‘til the end. One day, the owners of the Outlander Club angered the Imperials because they were not playing their propaganda, a requirement for all establishments. The owners had a “civil discourse” with them, which resulted in management changes and a tightened Imperial presence. One of these changes resulted in Bufon being laid off, much to the dismay of many customers. Bufon told them to not shed any tears, as he packed his things and headed off into the Coruscant sunset, never to be seen again. Due to his firing and increased Imperial presence at the club, the customers eventually stopped coming and the club closed. Some still hold out hope Bufon is out there somewhere, and when he returns, the Outlander Club will be reborn.
Our finale will delve into the stories of those who never had the chance to share one in the first place.
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The Winter Poll
in Robot-Pirate Island
Posted