CyanideFishbone

It's been a long time since an update, so I guess there's no time like the present to give one. 

I don't wanna jinx myself but I think 2021 might finally be the year I turn things around. I have therapy every week and I'm finally really starting to feel the positive effects of it- I'm no longer quite as lonely, angry, and my moods have been a lot better. But more than that, I'm finally starting to actually break out of my shell. I'm still pretty anxious in new social situations, but nowhere as bad as it was even a year ago when it gave me borderline anxiety attack levels of anxiety.

The thing I realized is I was fine approaching people as a kid, before middle and high school, which IDK if I've opened up about it much on here, but both absolutely wrecked my self-esteem, which in turn wrecked my social skills. I blamed it on Aspergers for so long which is part of it but the fear of rejection is what it really was. I was so scared to share my interests IRL for so long and it's no longer like that because I know realize I'm no longer around judgmental and fake people who treated me like dead weight. Those people still exist at my school, sure- but I'm not associated with any of them. I'm also a college radio DJ now, so I've joined an on campus community where I feel supported and respected for the first time in years. 

Part of me honestly doesn't know what to say. Not even a year ago, even last semester, if I had a way to off myself without hurting myself or my loved ones, I would've done it without thinking twice. Emerging adulthood and depression can suck, y'all. But it's better now. Me and my roommate are getting our own place next semester, and really, the meat of it is I'm breaking out of my shell for what truly feels like the first time. Far gone are the ham-fisted middle school days of trying to talk to girls and failing. I just want to thank everyone, be it IRL or here, for longing with me. It's been a rough transition from edgy "I hate everything" 2015 me on here to a more mature, adult me now. I've got a long way to go but I can do it. I'm worth it, and I can make it. I'm not perfect but no one is. I've got a lot of growing to do but everyone does, and I've been working on said process right now. I really don't want to jinx myself but I think things are finally turning around.

I want everyone struggling who is reading this to know I stand by you and that stuff does get better. It's said ad nauseam at this point that it's kinda lost a lot of it's meaning, but god darn it, it's something I believe in. I don't want to dictate what is mentally healthy/therapeutic for everyone but therapy is really making a massively positive impact in my life. I also got my vaccine yesterday which is pretty cool, and I've been working out recently and I'm starting to lose a bit of weight and am starting to feel a bit better about my body. I'm tired of letting people push me around, and I'm ready to stand up for myself if said stuff happens. I have my bad days, but things are noticeably better than they were even 4 months ago. I'm still not super super active but that's mostly as I'm juggling college. I just wanted to say that I've been doing a lot better, and I hope you guys are doing well, and if you're not, I want you to know I have your back and that stuff does get a lot better.

-Ryan