CyanideFishbone

It's been a long time coming, and I've went back and forth on whether or not I want to do so, but I think I finally feel ready and safe to say that I'm gonna take a backseat from SBC. Things won't really be changing much since I've been fairly inactive since summer of 2018, and I'll still be on from time to time (I actually check the site fairly regularly, I just feel like I never post at all), and I'll be on the Discord still. Also if any of y'all wanna follow me on some of my more private social media (like Instagram or Snapchat) I'm totally cool with that; just DM me if you're interested (I'll still be checking the site like at least once a week), because I just don't feel particularly comfortable publicly giving out social media like that. 

As much as I love the pre movie episodes my interest in modern Spongebob and it's future is pretty much nonexistent and while things are gonna get grim, I gotta be honest. Since I wanna say around September/October 2018, my mental health has taken a pretty bad decline. A lot of it deals especially with dealing with some things going on in my family in regards to my sister's mental health (which she has made a big improvement in, and also something I've been upfront about making me depressed), my school life, and coming to terms with a lot of stuff in regards to growing up and just adolescence in general. Never really realized how much genuine trauma I have from middle school, which were the worst years of my life, until like over a year ago.

A lot of this reached a head during the lockdown. Actually... literally right before lockdown (December 2019-February 2020) I was doing the best I had done in years, possibly ever. I actually felt confident in myself, was talking to people despite my crippling social anxiety.... and it all kinda went straight to shit slightly before lockdown hit. Not a lot of people know this, but I had a very unfortunate run in with university cops in mid-February, where I was threatened to be kicked out of university and maybe arrested under possession of drug paraphernalia. Not saying where I go to uni to protect my privacy because I don't wanna end up behind bars but I used to smoke weed really late at night on campus in the woods. Not a smart idea, please don't do it guys (not weed, just smoking it on campus). Anyway I also started buying CBD too when I ran out which I would also smoke, and I had a drawstring bag in my dorm (now at home) which basically had everything to let me smoke; two pipes, a grinder, lighter, rolling tray, a nug jug, and a thing of rolling paper. One night I was smoking when I saw a white van pass, carried on my business because I was doing CBD which is legal where I live, until they went back and started asking me, did the traditional questioning, did a pat down because in the eyes of American law enforcement doing any sort of thing resembling drugs automatically makes you a school shooter, and made me remove everything from my drawstring bag. 

CW: sexual harassment (this paragraph, and next)

These cops were serious dickheads. When asked about why I used CBD, I said to help anxiety (wasn't lying), and they basically went on to mock me using it, saying how there's "safer outlets"; really the only risk I'm running is to my lungs which is whatever, and it's legal and even if it wasn't, let me make my own decisions. Anyway, after the pat down, after everything was removed from my pockets, they wanted to check for weapons again, and the cop who was frisking me proceeded to... put his hand down the back of my jeans, and basically in other words.... tickle the upper part of my butt over my underwear. One of the cops sexually harassed me; it made me insanely uncomfortable, and this was POST patdown, everything was out of my pockets, the hoodie I was wearing was off and on the hood of their car. After that, they proceeded to make me smash all my pipes against a rock as they delightfully watched, and throw my rolling tray and grinder into a nearby river from a point where I wouldn't be able to reach it ever. It was a really cold night so they let me go as long as I got rid of most of my stuff; I still had my lighter, nug jug (which funnily enough was the only thing I had on me that had weed on the jug but they didn't give a shit because cops suck), and rolling paper- and had to buy everything else again. Didn't have to worry about the pipes because I invested in a bong right when lockdown hit (which was an insanely smart idea, probably the best purchase I've made all year), and bought another grinder this summer and only bought another rolling tray about two/three weeks ago. Anyway I basically went back to my dorm, waited for my roommate to come back, told a lot of my closest friends, and cried my fucking eyes out that night.

A lot of what I'm feeling just reached a major head during lockdown, a culmination of what I've been feeling a lot of, which a lot of it is really private and I don't really feel comfortable talking to many people at all about. But to add insult to injury, and something I've told no one, I uncovered a pretty traumatic repressed memory from my childhood this summer, involving me being... coincidentally, sexually harassed by a group of teenage boys who would regularly torment me on vacation... I was never raped or molested but I'll just put it at that they basically cornered me on the neighborhood park and forced me to show them... I'll just say what's in my pants because they thought it would be funny. I was about six or seven when it happened, felt disgusting after it happened, and just repressed it for years. It really really took it's toll on me during August and September, and for most of the time at lockdown, I just avoided everyone and everything because I was depressed. Even my own parents who are sweet and supportive as fuck and I feel awful because of it. I was super angsty, grumpy, and just not fun at all to be around. My mental health started to get a bit better after moving back to uni mid-August and getting a bit more independence but I was a shitty friend and son for like all of summer who just really wouldn't want to talk to anyone at all. I feel insanely shitty about it, but I've been getting more social again (albeit I've been way less social then I've normally been for a while now because of depression) and my parents are cool with me, and told me how they loved having me during quarantine before I went back to uni, which was a silver lining because maybe I wasn't as bad as I thought I was. I was mainly just super reclusive and just really quiet around my parents, but I guess I'm usually a pretty quiet guy.

Anyway a lot of this reached a head in mid-October where I just kind of broke down one day, started experiencing pretty bad bouts of anhedonia, frustration, anger, and what not and that's when I finally put my foot down and decided to seek help because of how tired I am of living like this. And I'm seeing a therapist in December for the first time. And with Biden winning, I'm hoping (but not counting on it) corona will get a little better in the US, things are finally starting to seem bright again. Really admitting I had a problem made me feel so much better, and knowing that I was gonna get help. And even if it doesn't work (which I really don't think it won't work) at least I tried. The future is starting to look somewhat bright for me, thank god. I've contemplated making a more detailed post/video about what's been going on but I feel satisfied with this because a lot of what I'm feeling is pretty private. But I guess the short of it is my social anxiety (I have Asperger's) is insanely bad. Besides like cashiers and people I have to talk to like that I freeze up pretty much whenever I talk to anyone my age, who I feel like I don't relate to most of which at all, but it's especially bad with girls, jesus christ. I freeze up so goddamn bad. And I've asked out a ton of girls in the past and I'm having a harder time talking to girls as I'm getting older which is all sorts of bizarre. And a big reason I'm sad, and I know how stupid and incelish this sounds, is because I'm 19 (20 in April) and I've never kissed a girl, never had a girlfriend, and never want past that. I just feel so left out, and alienated from everyone and I have for pretty much all of high school despite having some friends (some of which I'm admittedly having problems with, but a good share I'm still tight with and are good people). I'm just sick of this shit, and I've been feeling it for goddamn years now. And it needs to change. Because I don't like myself at all and I hate it. Because I know I'm worth it, and I know people love me and think I'm a good guy.

Two last things; another big reason for my absence and my further absence has just been school. As I've said, I'm at uni and juggling a regular sized class load, and other interests have taken up way more of my free time than going on here- just the way it is, unfortunately. So that's why I've been way more absent especially since starting my freshman year. But I've still made time to come on here, but that's why I haven't been posting a lot; I'm mostly on here to check up with y'all, but I guess that could also do with the fact that I just haven't been very social at all recently.

Last thing is I'm sorry for how I treated a lot of people here back in 2014-2015. Middle school me was the worst. I was dealing with the aftermath of some pretty awful shit in seventh grade that led to me trying to take my life (I'm here now, and I'm gonna get better now ofc) and I just became an edgy, obnoxious, pretentious little shit because of it and I criticized a lot of music insanely unfairly and was just a fucking asshole to a lot of people... because I was honestly an asshole in real life and I just didn't know any better. I've already done so before, but I especially want to apologize to @Clappy, who honestly got the worst of it in retrospect. A lot of my criticisms, especially regarding Paramore (have actually enjoyed their music for 3 or so years now at this point), were insanely biased and I was just hating on things that were popular and loved because I was a pretentious little shit. I'm so sorry, guys. Unfortunately some of the most active years I've had on here were the years where I just acted the worst. I don't wanna just apologize to Clappy, but everyone who was involved in my awful music criticism and overall douchery. So sorry. I've grown up a lot since those years (and especially in the last two years I've grown up a lot) and I'm far from a perfect person, but goddamn it, I'm trying.

And that's really that. I fluctuated between making this post a ton and whether I should take a backseat, but I'm gonna to focus on both my mental health and school. Thanks to everyone who's been a great friend, and thanks to everyone who put up with me when I was at my worst. But I need to focus on the real world for a while. Maybe I'll be back soon and I'll feel able to do so, and I hope so. But recently I just haven't been active and besides my occasional visit, I'm just gonna take a backseat. Obviously, if any of y'all wanna stay in contact with me, I'm all arms. I'll still be on Discord and if you wanna know me better personally, feel free to DM me for any of my more personal social media (and you can DM me on Discord too)

Until then, sayonara, 再见 (actually been learning Chinese since first semester freshman year), adios, what have ya. I'll be back, but I got a lot I need to focus on now.

Sincerely,

-Ryan (CyanideFishbone)