-
Advertisement
Gengar
-
Posts
6,592 -
Joined
-
Last visited
-
Days Won
112 -
Doubloons
57,599 [ Donate ]
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Events
Posts posted by Gengar
-
-
Now that I've finished the movie, here are some notes I've taken:
SpoilerPlankton's family making moonshine was not something I expected to see
Jokes about Patrick, SpongeBob, and Plankton dying gory deaths
Great use of traditional animation
Closest we'll come to seeing the word "bullshrimp" in official SB media
Plankton going to the same college as Flatts is now canon
How did he do more than one year of college with a 0.0 GPA?
His roommate's just gonna be chilling in that closet for the rest of time apparently.
Yet another movie where they go to the surface.
Friend or Foe basically getting retconned makes me sad.
I would have liked the movie to get more into the ethical implications of marrying an AI but ig we have Her for that.
WTF was that empathy chip laced with?
Patrick is the newest star of My 600-lb Life.
Good movie overall. Glad the roommate was unfrozen in the end.I did not expect to enjoy this even more than SOOW going into it, but it's easily my favorite SB movie since the first one. I still have no intention of watching the Sandy movie, but I'm glad we got one more banger out of the Nickelodeon-Netflix partnership.
-
1
-
-
Before we had Discord, we had Xat, an online chatroom that mostly died with Flash. What if it didn’t die, though? What if SBC members remained loyal to Xat even as the rest of the internet transitioned to Discord for their chatting needs?
Episode 21: What If... Xat Was Still Alive?
JJS: I'm gonna kick your ass.
JCM: How long has Xat had Hank Hill? I want Hank Hill.
Fred: Why have Hank Hill when you can have Peter Griffin?
JCM: Is that a real question?
(ding dong)
WookiePlums has been made a member.
WookiePlums: Hello.
JCM: Ah, a fellow Looney Tunes enjoyer.
Fred: They can't all be winners!
JJS: Poor Speedy can't catch a break.
PatrickStarFan: How do I change my pfp?
JCM: You have to go to some page and pick a number. It's super annoying.
PatrickStarFan: Why not just use something like Discord, then?
Fred: If it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Clappy: Late, but "Looney Tunes enjoyer"? Weren't you just talking about how much you wanted to be Hank Hill, JCM?
JCM: Sometimes I'll look at other girls, but I'll never betray my one true love Daffy.
Clappy: Like you never betrayed your "one true love", the Panthers?
JCM: I've never rooted for an NFL team other than the Panthers, and anybody who claims otherwise is lying.
Wumbo: I want whatever he's smoking.
JCM: We have animated avatars now, too? Is there some secret page I don't know about?
JJS: I guess we'll never know.
PatrickStarFan: I'll help you escape from Looney Tunes purgatory if you help me, JCM.
JCM: Bet.
Prez: Hope JCM and new guy don't find this Remy. I'm so proud of it.
JJS: Doodle in ten minutes.
PatrickStarFan has been banned.
JCM: He messaged me telling me to trade him xats for info on where to find the avatars. What a disappointment.
Wumbo: I guess you'll be stuck with Daffy forever.
JCM: Or at least until we make the switch to Discord.
Clappy: So forever, then.
Prez: This is not a drill! 91X is playing Boys Who Cry! This is not a drill!
JJS: welp, back to the old grind clocks out
-
4
-
2
-
-
I'll be Macrinus from Gladiator II.
-
1
-
-
I'll be Hermey
-
Blood Moon
“Are they ready, Tim?”
I had just finished pulling the chains out of the closet as Caleb pulled the blinds down over our window. The blinds wouldn’t stop the transformation from happening, but they would make the thing he transformed into much weaker.
“They’re ready,” I said.
“Good.”
Caleb and I lived in an apartment in Loris, South Carolina, a small town not far from Myrtle Beach. While we had no trouble finding work on the beach during the summer, it would inevitably lead to us getting laid off and living off unemployment checks until spring came ‘round again.
I peeked through the blinds, finding a sky that was orange as a pumpkin and only a sliver of the sun that that lit up the sky hours before. An hour from now, the sky would be black, dotted by stars, with a prominent place taken by that glowing white orb more dangerous than most of the billions of people who would soon be under it could imagine.
I locked one end of the chains to the foot of our bed, and then I wrapped the chains around Caleb.
“Tighter,” he said.
“If I go any tighter, you won’t be able to breathe,” I replied.
“I won’t be able to breathe if you put a bullet in my head, either.”
I shuddered. I knew what I had to do if Caleb got out of the chains, but I didn’t like how nonchalant he was about it. I began to worry more and more that he wanted to get out of the chains so that I would finally put him out of his misery...out of our misery.
Caleb and I had been best friends for as long as I can remember. I didn’t know when our friendship started, but I knew why it started. We were the only kids in our elementary, middle, and high school classes who had single mothers. My dad left my mom for a younger woman he met on the beach shortly before I was born, and Caleb’s dad left his mom shortly after he was born, but I didn’t know why for the longest time, though there plenty of rumors, whispered by gossiping old ladies on every corner.
I would eventually learn that Caleb’s father left due to his condition, a condition I didn’t know about until we were both accepted to Coastal Carolina in Conway. Caleb’s mother got us together that night, with a beautiful crescent moon in the sky, overlooking a pair of excited 17-year-olds who didn’t realize just how challenging the next ten years would be for them.
Caleb started to twitch. “You should probably get out now. I feel it starting.”
I walked out of our bedroom, passing a calendar with today’s date circled. I closed the door behind me but didn’t bother locking it because, if Caleb got out of the chains, a lock wouldn’t do much good against him. I sat on a couch and reached between the cushions. There was a handgun full of silver bullets. I didn’t want to use it but kept it near me just in case.
The howling began just minutes later. I heard the chains being rattled and felt my hands shaking. The condition Caleb had was lycanthropy, a condition that causes people to turn into werewolves. It was something he had inherited from his grandmother and one she had inherited from her grandparents, and so on and so forth, this horrible, secret disease being passed down through generations starting from the Native Americans who first inhabited these lands.
Those with lycanthropy used to live together in their own tribes, as a werewolf never kills one of their own, but when the Europeans settled here and discovered them, they killed as many as they could find, believing lycanthropy to be a curse from the devil. What used to be a thriving population was quickly whittled down, and many of those who managed to escape the original massacre were discovered and executed along with any “suspected werewolves” found during the years of the Salem witch trials.
Today, there may be a hundred werewolves out there, there may be ten, there might not be any outside of Caleb. The instinct to form packs has been so severely punished throughout history that Caleb was told by his mother, and his mother’s mother, the only other person he knew with his condition, that he could not seek others like him out no matter how much he wanted to. I think he listened to them, too, until his grandmother died last year.
Since then, I’ve seen him on all types of internet forums, Reddit threads, and Discord servers specializing in the paranormal. I’m almost certain I’ve seen him on the dark web once, too. I asked him just a week ago why he was so obsessed with finding other werewolves.
“I don’t want to be alone in this world,” he said.
“You aren’t alone,” I responded. “You have me.”
“It’s not the same. It’s just...it’s not.”
I didn’t want to tell him I was feeling hurt by this, because I knew he was feeling things I could never relate to, things possibly nobody else living could relate to, including his own mother. She had called me just a few days ago to tell me that Caleb was ignoring her calls, that she was worried about him, and that even though she didn’t have Caleb’s werewolf instincts, her motherly instincts told her plenty.
I told her I would look after him, and I was looking after him, but I was worried, too.
Not much happened in Loris, but we did have one big event that got everyone in town excited: the annual Loris Bog-Off, a festival with rides, snacks, a zoo, and of course, all the chicken bog we could eat. I went with my mom every year before starting college, but Caleb was never there, as he tried to avoid big crowds whenever possible. Last week, however, Caleb told me he wanted to go to this year’s Bog-Off, and that’s what we did that weekend. Caleb seemed like a child again, laughing and screaming on every ride, petting every pig and goat he could, and scarfing down lots and lots of chicken bog.
Even outside of his first Bog-Off experience, Caleb had been eating more and more, putting on at least ten pounds since the last full moon, and he was husky before then. I worried that this extra weight would make it easier for him to break the chains, but I didn’t voice that worry. I didn’t want Caleb to feel like I was trying to control his life, especially with him still mourning his grandmother. He was the happiest I had seen him in a long time at the Bog-Off, and the last thing I wanted to do was interfere with that.
The howling grew louder. Caleb thrashed more and more, but the chains held. After an hour of listening to Caleb in his wolf form, I assumed he was tired now and I could finally rela-
SNAP
I heard a chain break, and my eyes widened.
THUD
I heard the chains clatter as they fell to the ground, and my heart started to race. I felt the gun between the couch cushions as Caleb slammed into the door from the other side. He crashed into it once...twice...
I quickly pulled the gun out as the door flew off its hinges and the large creature that used to be my best friend sprinted towards me. I pulled the trigger without thinking, and the creature paused for a moment before turning and leaping out the window, ripping the blinds and giving me a perfect view of the full moon that turned Caleb into that monster. I ran to the window and saw the creature lying on the ground in front of our apartment building before slowly getting up and trotting off.
I slid the gun into my pocket and noticed a bullet hole in the wall of our bedroom. I didn’t come close to hitting the creature. I rushed out of our apartment building, but the creature was nowhere to be found. I then heard a familiar howl from downtown, and I covered my mouth, realizing the creature was now in the densest part of the city on a Friday night. There would be dozens of people gathered in every bar and restaurant downtown, unaware of the wild predator locked onto their scents.
I didn’t know why it had to be tonight, out of all the nights I restrained Caleb, I didn’t know why tonight had to be the night he broke free of them. Had it been a sleepy winter night, a Monday or Tuesday night, the carnage would have been limited. Caleb forgetting how to open doors in his wolf form meant most people, likely in their homes, would have enough warning to pull out their own guns, and while a non-silver bullet won’t kill this creature, it would have certainly slowed it down.
Caleb usually spent his summers with his grandmother in a more remote part of South Carolina, a part cars rarely, if ever, drove through. The privacy meant his grandmother could transform in peace, and when Caleb visited, it was the only time he could feel safe under full moons without needing to be chained down. Since his grandmother was like him, his wolf form wouldn’t attack her. He always looked forward to his time with his grandmother, and once he had to start working summers with me, he would leave for his grandmother’s place before Thanksgiving, and I wouldn’t see Caleb again until March, right before we had to start working again.
Where his grandmother lived, there was no cell service, and she never came here to visit, so I never actually spoke to her. I only knew what she looked like from Caleb’s photos, and the first time I saw her in person was last year, dolled up in her casket at the funeral. I doubt she would have wanted to speak to me, though, as I heard multiple times from her daughter that she felt I was holding Caleb back from Caleb’s “singular duty”, getting married, having kids, ensuring that this special power they had would continue to exist.
Caleb never indicated any interest in marriage to me, though, and while he had been on plenty of dates, I don’t think he wanted to tell another person about his condition, something he didn’t feel nearly as much pride about as his grandmother did.
“This isn’t some superpower, it’s a curse,” I heard Caleb say one morning after cleaning up the hair he shed and putting on new clothes to replace the ones his stronger, more muscular form ripped.
“It’s a curse,” he continued. “I didn’t ask to be born with this, and I wish I hadn’t been. I wish...”
Caleb paused, knowing that what he was about to say would have gotten him smacked by his grandmother.
“I wish nobody would have to be born with this again.”
I ran into the first bar I saw, and it was red everywhere. On the walls, on the ceiling, on the floor. People lying everywhere with fresh bite marks and claw marks. They were still as lamp posts, fear frozen onto many of their faces.
I was too late.
I ran into another bar and found a grisly scene just as bad as the last one. The creature wasn’t there. I ran into a restaurant beside it. Everyone there was dead, too, but this time, it included children. I knew I had to be quick, stop this creature before it murdered anybody else, but I couldn’t help myself. I fell to my knees and cried, wailing like that creature in the night.
These people weren’t just murdered by what Caleb transformed into. They were murdered by me, because I couldn’t bring myself to do the one thing Caleb and his family trusted me to do if he shed his chains before shedding his fur. I wanted to believe I had simply missed, I wanted to convince myself that I was just scared and my shot was off, but those were just excuses.
I had to kill him, and because I didn’t, he was going to kill as many people as he could find.
I had to get up. I had to stop feeling sorry for myself.
I went to more buildings, found more shattered windows, more still, terrified bodies. The creature seemed to know anatomy as well as a doctor, knowing exactly where to scratch or bite to kill these people instantly, or have them bleed out so fast they had no chance of being saved.
The first time I heard screams, they were in the distance. I immediately ran out of the bar I was in, and I saw the creature zip out of one a few blocks away from me. I followed it into a restaurant with my gun drawn, saw it about to lunge at a kid, and fired my gun again.
This time, I didn’t miss. The people in the restaurant looked at the creature, looked at me, and then began clapping. I ignored them as I walked to the creature, nodded at the kid, a justifiably scared little girl, as well as her parents, who were in front of her and in shock. I picked the creature up and noticed it was already beginning to shed fur. I had to get back to the apartment fast.
By the time I dropped the creature on our couch, it was already looking like Caleb again. I pulled the silver bullet out of his back and then felt his pulse. As I expected and as I feared, there was no movement. I grabbed a knife from the kitchen and slashed his throat, being careful to make it look like it was done by a wolf. I then went to bed, making sure not to think about Caleb’s mother or the families of all of the people I couldn’t save, thoughts that would have simply kept me up all night.
I eventually did go to sleep, the full moon shining as brightly as ever above me.
-
2
-
-
I'll be Weird Al.
-
1
-
-
Since The Lion King is about to turn 30 I'll be Simba.
-
1
-
-
Three final updates to the Interviews page:
-
1
-
-
I've added an interview with Dani Michaeli and (one part of) an interview with Richard Pursel to the interviews page. The second part of the Pursel interview will be added tomorrow morning. Expect even more after that.
-
1
-
-
I've made the first update to the Interviews page in over a year, adding interviews with well-known crew members Dave Cunningham and Jay Lender as well as the lesser known Chris Rios. Expect more updates to the page coming sooner rather than later.
-
1
-
-
All of the flash games have now been tested, so there are now 120 games under the Working Games section of our games page.
As a final treat, I've added a new game, SpongeBlocks, based on my favorite game from the arcade SBC had when it was powered by vBulletin. Like our other exclusive games, it should work on mobile, though I will warn you that the mobile version of the game doesn't have as much functionality and is therefore much harder than the desktop version.
If you have any issues with that game or any of the games that are now listed as working, please let me know. I likely won't be making any more major changes to the page, as I want to focus on other parts of SBC I've neglected, including and especially the other SBC, SpongeBob Captures. As always, happy gaming.
-
1
-
-
JCM Says Goodbye
(CNF walks into JCM's office.)
JCM: (gasps) CNF? Is it really you?
CNF: Yeah! I see you're the guidance counselor now. That's...an unexpected development.
JCM: I just couldn't leave SBC, and while I really loved teaching, being a shrink has been great, too!
CNF: I'm glad you're doing something you love. I just started a law firm, and well, it pays the bills, at least.
JCM: So, why did you come back today?
CNF: I heard that jjs is leaving, and I couldn't miss his going-away party!
JCM: Going-away party? When's that?
CNF: It's in two hours. You didn't see the post about it on Ex's IG?
JCM: IG?
CNF: Instagram.
JCM: Oh, yeah! That thing our old science teacher's popular on!
CNF: All the old-heads are going to be at the party. You should stop by!
JCM: I wish I could, but if I don't finish this paperwork by the time classes end, jjs will take turns beating me up with OWM and sbl.
CNF: How much of the paperwork have you finished?
JCM: One paper!
CNF: And how much do you have left?
(JCM flips through the remaining papers on his desk.)
JCM: About 300 or so.
CNF: You just started?
JCM: 20 hours ago, yeah! But thanks to my all-nighter, I was able to get this one paper done ahead of schedule, and I don't feel tired at a-
(JCM's head drops onto his desk, and he starts snoring.)
CNF: JCM?
(CNF looks through the stack of papers and sighs. Later that day, JCM is woken up by the sound of the school bell ringing.)
JCM: Oh, no! I slept through the rest of the school day, and my paperwork is...
(JCM looks down at the paperwork to find that it's all done.)
JCM: Did I...do this in my sleep?
(jjs walks into the office.)
jjs: Man, that party was awesome! I've never done that much coke in my life!
(jjs notices JCM looking down at the paperwork with a confused expression.)
jjs: Let me guess...you need more time to finish?
JCM: No...it's finished.
jjs: Wow! I'm impressed! Seb never finished the paperwork on time. That's the main reason it took a week longer for me to become the principal here than it was supposed to.
(The ground starts to shake.)
JCM: What the heck? We don't get earthquakes here!
jjs: That's not an earthquake.
(jjs grabs the paperwork, leaves the office, and then leaves the school. JCM follows him to find a large replica of the Millennium Falcon landing in the school's parking lot, crushing most of the cars under it. The students and teacher who are already outside marvel at the sight.)
jjs: That's my ride!
(The students and teachers wave at jjs as he walks towards the spaceship.)
JCM: Wait!
(jjs turns around, and JCM does the Vulcan salute.)
JCM: Live long and prosper!
jjs: That's Star Trek, you fucking idiot.
(jjs gets into the spaceship, and it flies off.)
JCM: Cha, why didn't you tell me that was from Star Trek and not Star Wars?
Cha: I did tell you...twice.
(JCM sighs and walks towards his scooter. CNF runs to him.)
CNF: Hey, do you mind if I hop on? My car just got destroyed by jjs's farewell flight.
JCM: Oh! O...of course!
CNF: Besides, it's the least you could do after I did all of that paperwork for you.
JCM: That was you? What about the party?
CNF: (shrugs) There will be other parties.
(JCM and CNF get onto JCM's scooter.)
JCM: You didn't have to do that, you know.
CNF: I'm a lawyer! Paperwork's nothing for me!
(JCM and CNF look back at the school.)
CNF: I miss it, too, you know.
JCM: Miss what?
CNF: The school. If only they didn't pay like shit, maybe I'd be teaching. Or guidance counseling. Or whatever.
(The Grim Reaper approaches JCM and CNF.)
JCM: Grim! Long time no see!
Grim Reaper: Can I...hop on, too? I've been bored as fuck lately.
JCM: Of course!
(The Grim Reaper gets onto the scooter behind JCM and CNF, and they roll the scooter together.)
JCM: JCM and CNF!
Grim Reaper: And my unfitting bony ass!
JCM: Together again! The possibilities for adventure are endless!
CNF: I did hear Ex is planning an afterparty downtown. jjs is going to be sending a Force projection there, so he'll be able to join in on the fun!
JCM: Thank goodness! Maybe I can get my goodbye right this time!
CNF: Hey, even if you don't get it right, I'm sure he'll visit sometime...just like I'm doing right now!
JCM: Yeah...hopefully.
CNF: Let's be honest, SBC isn't that great of a school. I don't remember most of the things I learned from there, but one thing I learned that I'll keep with me forever is that even as we go our separate ways, and as people graduate, and retire, and find better opportunities, that doesn't mean they're completely gone from our lives. The school will always connect us, so when we tell each other goodbye, it's never really a goodbye.
JCM: Nah, this time it's really goodbye.
CNF: Well, fuck it. I tried.
(The End)
-
1
-
-
JCM Tracks Down His Biggest Enemy
(jjstheprincipal walks into JCM's office.)
JCM: Hi, boss! How's it going?
jjs: JCM, having you as a coworker has been a miserable experience, but I was willing to suck it up for a bit longer if I hadn't just gotten this job offer from The Force Academy.
JCM: The Force Academy? Wow! What's that?
jjs: Only the biggest Star Wars-themed school in the universe! Their principal just retired, and they want me to come and replace him! I'm getting a big pay raise for my trouble, too!
JCM: Oh, my gosh! I'm so happy for you! How do you think you'll be able to be the principal there when you're already one here, though?
jjs: I...won't. I'm quitting.
JCM: (crying) No! Please don't leave us!
jjs: You wanting me to stay doesn't make me even the smallest bit more likely to stay, JCM. I'm just here to tell you what you need to do since it's almost official.
JCM: (stops crying) Am I going to be your replacement? What an honor!
jjs: No! Fuck no! OWM's my replacement. You just need to do the paperwork to make the transfer of power official. I asked Seb if he could do it again for old time's sake, and he told me to suck his dick.
JCM: What did he say about doing the paperwork, though?
jjs: You're doing it. I'll have sbl leave the papers on your desk later. SBC is getting rid of drama class soon, and I told sbl he would be the new vice principal after I left to make up for it, meaning sbl has just as much of a reason to want this to happen as I do, meaning don't fuck this up.
JCM: (salutes) Yes, sir!
(jjs leaves the office, and HawkbitAlpha walks in moments later.)
HawkbitAlpha: JCM, have you heard from my brother lately?
JCM: Which one?
HawkbitAlpha: The...only one who's a student here?
JCM: Oh, he's still planning evil things with Team Rage 2, probably!
HawkbitAlpha: Team Rage 2? The fuck is that?
JCM: That's the name of Tucker's new evil squad with himself, your brother, and my twin brother MCJ!
HawkbitAlpha: Kidnapping my brother's one thing, but appropriating my intellectual property is taking this one step too far!
JCM: Yeah! I totally know what that means!
HawkbitAlpha: I'm going to Tucker's house right now and kicking his ass!
JCM: But...you don't know where he lives!
HawkbitAlpha: I can smell a hawk for miles, JCM. I was giving Zeta his space, but it's time for me to end this once and for all.
(HawkbitAlpha storms out of the office, and JCM follows him.)
JCM: Hawk, don't do this! It's too dangerous!
HawkbitAlpha: Fuck off!
(JCM stops with a dejected look on his face as HawkbitAlpha leaves the school. As HawkbitAlpha gets onto a sidewalk, JCM hurriedly joins him.)
JCM: You know, brothers are so overrated. Let's just forget about it and go back to the school.
HawkbitAlpha: I said fuck off!
(JCM stops again, runs into an ice cream shop, and hurries to join HawkbitAlpha again with two ice cream cones in his hands.)
JCM: I've got ice cream...
(HawkbitAlpha stops, grabs one of the ice cream cones from a relieved JCM, and sticks it on the top of JCM's head before walking down the sidewalk again.)
JCM: ...with nuts.
(JCM runs into a costume shop and catches up with HawkbitAlpha several minutes later wearing a bird mask.)
JCM: This is HawkbitDaddy speaking, and I forbid you from going after that shapeshifter!
HawkbitAlpha: You ain't my pa!
(JCM removes the mask.)
JCM: Hawk, please don't do this! I don't want Tucker to kill you!
HawkbitAlpha: Then come with me and use your superpowers or whatever.
JCM: I...can't. I don't want to risk hurting your brother or mine.
HawkbitAlpha: If you say so.
(JCM sighs before taking out his flip phone and dialing a number.)
JCM: (on phone) Hey, shin, you know how we've been preparing for months to take on Team Rage 2?
HawkbitAlpha: Don't call it that!
JCM: (on phone) That was Hawk. He and I are about to go to Tucker's house and fight him...I know it's a bad idea. I told him that...okay, I'll text you the address...once I figure out how to text on this thing.
(MCJ and HawkbitZeta are playing Eels and Escalators in Tucker's living room.)
HawkbitZeta: (rolling dice) Escalators, escalators, escalators!
MCJ: (checks dice) Eels.
HawkbitZeta: Ah, fuck!
(Tucker walks into the room.)
Tucker: Why the fuck are you two playing games when you're supposed to be helping me figure out how to kill JCM?
MCJ: He has anime superpowers. We can't do shite.
HawkbitZeta: Yeah, we've been brainstorming for over half a year now, and we haven't thought of anything!
Tucker: Well, until you do think of something...no games!
HawkbitZeta: Fuck this!
(HawkbitZeta grabs his backpack.)
HawkbitZeta: I'm going back to the school!
(Tucker pulls out a gun.)
Tucker: Like hell you are!
MCJ: Jesus Christ, Tucker. Why can't you just give up?
Tucker: I lost everything because of that asshole! I lost the title of most powerful person in Circuit City! I lost my cushy job with Faux News! I hate that fucker JCM, and I won't rest until he's dead!
HawkbitZeta: Tucker...you're the only fucker here. You're the fucker, Tucker. Holy shit, that's fun to say!
(Tucker points his gun at HawkbitZeta.)
Tucker: Put the backpack down, put away the game, and help me get my revenge. You owe it to me.
HawkbitZeta: Please, Tucker.
MCJ: Stop pointing that gun at the kid, Tucker!
(Tucker swings to MCJ, his gun pointed straight at MCJ's head.)
Tucker: Fuck you! You owe me just as much as he does! I got you out of prison!
MCJ: I know that, and believe me, I want that wanker dead just as much as you do, but it ain't happening, so just put down the gun, play some Eels and Escalators with us, and move on.
Tucker: Never.
HawkbitZeta: Well, I'm moving on.
(HawkbitZeta starts to leave with his backpack, and as Tucker turns to him again, MCJ jumps in front of his gun just as he pulls the trigger.)
HawkbitZeta: Fuck!
(MCJ looks down at the hole in his stomach.)
MCJ: Oh, bollocks.
(MCJ passes out, and HawkbitZeta runs to him.)
HawkbitZeta: We have to get him to a hospital!
Tucker: We aren't doing shit! When will you get it through your head? You're either with me or against me, and if you're against me, well...you see what happens. So, what is it?
HawkbitZeta: (horrified) I...I guess I'm with you.
(HawkbitZeta drops his backpack.)
Tucker: (smiles) Good boy.
(As JCM and HawkbitAlpha approach a house, they hear a gunshot.)
HawkbitAlpha: What the fuck?
JCM: Are you sure that's his house?
HawkbitAlpha: Yeah.
JCM: And you're sure you don't want to turn back?
(HawkbitAlpha continues walking towards the house.)
HawkbitAlpha: Yeah.
(Once HawkbitAlpha reaches the house, he peeks into one of its windows, seeing HawkbitZeta crying over a bloody MCJ as Tucker points his gun at them.)
HawkbitAlpha: You'll want to see this, JCM.
(HawkbitAlpha steps aside, and JCM peeks into the same window.)
JCM: (gasps) No!
(JCM starts to back away before running into the window and crashing through it.)
HawkbitAlpha: What the fuck?
HawkbitZeta: What the fuck?
(Tucker quickly shoots at JCM, but the bullet stops in midair as JCM raises an open palm.)
JCM: It won't be that easy, Tucker.
Tucker: Fuck it!
(Tucker drops the gun and transforms into Elsa. JCM shoots a blast of energy at Elsa, and Elsa shoots a blast of cold energy back at him, managing to neutralize his attack.)
Elsa: Fuck what people say! You aren't more powerful than me! Nobody's more powerful than me!
(Elsa closes her eyes and clenches her fists, and as JCM prepares another attack, he realizes his hands are frozen.)
JCM: No!
Elsa: Yes! Turns out it will be that easy! All the time I spent thinking of how to kill you...
(JCM tries to unfreeze his hands to no avail as Elsa approaches him.)
Elsa: And now that I get to do it, I'm going to make it nice...and slow.
(Keeping an eye on Elsa, HawkbitAlpha tiptoes to the gun she dropped and finds HawkbitZeta crouching over it already. HawkbitAlpha nods as his brother picks it up.)
HawkbitZeta: Hey, Tucker?
(Elsa turns around, and her eyes widen as HawkbitZeta raises the gun with both hands.)
HawkbitZeta: Fuck you.
(HawkbitZeta pulls the trigger, and Elsa falls to the ground with half her head blown off.)
HawkbitAlpha: You okay, bro?
HawkbitZeta: I think...I think I will be.
(Everyone turns to MCJ.)
JCM: Is he still alive?
(JCM walks to his brother and shakes him gently, causing him to regain consciousness.)
MCJ: Oh, bollocks...not you.
JCM: Elsa's dead...and after we get you to a hospital, you're going right back to prison.
MCJ: (shrugs) Fair enough.
(shinya and Sauce Mama run into the house.)
shinya: (panting) We got here as soon as we could!
HawkbitZeta: She's already dead.
shinya: Fuck!
Sauce Mama: JCM, you aren't going to try and kill Hawk's brother again, are you?
HawkbitAlpha: If he does, I'll kill him, anime superpowers or not.
(HawkbitAlpha looks down at his brother.)
HawkbitAlpha: Nobody murders you except me.
HawkbitZeta: I'm sorry, by the way.
HawkbitAlpha: I'm sorry, too. You're a kid. I have to let you make mistakes.
JCM: And I'm sorry for not being a better shrink!
MCJ: Can we all apologize to each other later? I'm losing a shite-ton of blood right now.
shinya: Right! Of course! I'll drive you to the hospital!
(JCM and shinya pick up MCJ and carry him to shinya's car.)
JCM: So...you have an apology coming up later?
MCJ: Fuck you! (quieter) Maybe.
(As shinya and Sauce Mama drive off with MCJ, JCM watches with the Hawk brothers.)
HawkbitAlpha: Hey, what was going on with you and jjs?
JCM: Oh, shoot!
(JCM runs into his office half an hour later, where sbl is waiting for him with a large stack of papers.)
JCM: I can explain!
sbl: You were busy helping Hawk rescue his brother from Tucker. I know.
JCM: Huh? How?
sbl: Hawk called me. Did you forget that cell phones have been a thing for the last 20 years?
JCM: I guess I did. What's your number?
sbl: Sorry, I don't have a cell phone.
JCM: Oh.
sbl: Now do the fucking paperwork.
(The End)
-
1
-
-
Welcome to the crew! @Frosty the Snowman
-
JCM Fights a Marker Menace (Part 3)
(JCM, Fred, Cha, Clappy, and Meko enter the Circuit City Golf Course and find SpongeSebastian there about to swing at a golf ball.)
JCM: Seb! Hi! It's me! JCM!
(Seb misses the ball he swings at out of surprise then turns to the visitors.)
Seb: goddamn it fred. what did i tell you about bringing him here?
JCM: What did Clappy do to you?
Seb: i'm not talking about clappy.
JCM: Meko?
Seb: no. i'm talking about you. i don't want you here.
JCM: B-but I'm carrying on your legacy! You're like a father to me!
Seb: i'm literally younger than you.
Fred: I'm really sorry, Seb, but we have a situation that only you can help us with. You know about that fellow MarkerBob?
Seb: oh yeah, i think i saw him on the news.
Fred: Well, he's kidnapping people and trapping them in another world, and the only way to stop him is to get everybody in the city to stop believing in him!
Seb: how do you expect me to help with that?
Cha: You know how to use hypnosis, don't you?
Seb: there's thousands of people in this city. i can't hypnotize them all at once.
JCM: But what if you could?
(Everyone stares at JCM.)
Clappy: Were you...going to follow that up with something?
JCM: Like what?
Clappy: Like how he could hypnotize everyone in the city at once!
JCM: (shrugs) But if he could, it would be really awesome, wouldn't it?
Meko: I've got an idea! Let's just get a megaphone big enough for everyone in the city to hear what we're saying through it!
Fred: Where are we supposed to find a megaphone that big?
(Suddenly, a plane with a megaphone painted on its side crashes into the middle of the golf course.)
Cha: Oh, my God! Is everybody in that plane okay?
JCM: I'll check!
(JCM runs into the crashed plane, carefully avoiding the flames around him, and runs out minutes later covered in ash and holding a giant megaphone.)
JCM: Guess what I found!
Meko: How convenient!
Clappy: What about the pilot?
JCM: Oh, he's super duper dead, so I'm sure he won't mind if we borrow this!
Seb: all we need to do now is find a tall building to get on top of, and i should be able to hypnotize the city from there.
(JCM, Fred, Cha, Clappy, Meko, and Seb walk into the CableCast building, the tallest building in the city, and approach the receptionist at the front desk.)
Fred: We'd like to go to the roof for a few minutes.
Receptionist: We don't just let anybody who asks to go to the roof take the elevator up there.
JCM: What if we asked nicely?
Receptionist: I would still tell you to fuck off.
JCM: What if we asked meanly?
Seb: fuck this.
(Seb takes the giant megaphone from Meko and goes to the elevator with it.)
Receptionist: Stop! I'll call security!
(Seb disappears into the elevator as the receptionist picks up her phone.)
Cha: We better hurry!
(JCM, Fred, Cha, Clappy, and Meko enter the elevator once it opens again. They get off on the top floor then take the stairs to the roof, where Seb is standing with the megaphone.)
Seb: you all are here just in time.
(Seb puts the megaphone to his mouth as the others run to the edge of the roof to see what the people on the ground are doing.)
Seb: i want you all to focus on something you believed in as a child, such as santa or the easter bunny or capitalism...
Clappy: It isn't working!
Seb: it must be my soft, soothing voice. i'll need somebody louder to do this.
JCM: I'm loud!
(Suddenly, security officers come up the stairs to the roof.)
Seb: here. i'll take care of 12.
(Seb gives JCM the megaphone and pulls handguns out of each pocket.)
Officer 1: What the fuck?
Officer 2: We aren't allowed to carry! Shit!
(The officers run back down the stairs as Seb shoots at them.)
Seb: hurry. the next guys they send here will probably be armed.
Fred: We're all going to jail after this, aren't we?
(JCM puts the megaphone to his mouth.)
JCM: Citizens of Circuit City! My name is JCM, and I want you all to do something for me! I want you all to focus on something you believed in as a child, like Santa or the Easter Bunny or capitalism, and I want you to remind yourselves that all those things are fake, just like MarkerBob is fake! I want you all you remind yourselves that MarkerBob isn't real!
(Fred, Cha, Clappy, and Meko see the people on the ground and all the cars on the street stopping.)
Cha: It's working! Keep going!
JCM: MarkerBob isn't real! MarkerBob isn't real! All my Circuit City homies, MarkerBob isn't real!
(In the MarkerZone, MarkerBob and Marker Tommy Wiseau are in front of a wall.)
MarkerBob: According to MarkerMaps, this should be where Tom Holland lives in the other world. Finally, my collection of famous actors named Tom will be complete!
Marker Tommy Wiseau: What about Tom Kenny?
MarkerBob: Tom who?
Marker Tommy Wiseau: He plays SpongeBob in the other world.
MarkerBob: SpongeBob doesn't just play himself in their world?
Marker Tommy Wiseau: Nah, they stopped that after season 3.
MarkerBob: (scratches chin) Interesting. Alright, we'll nab him after we get Holland!
(MarkerBob draws a hole in the wall with a marker, but it doesn't do anything.)
MarkerBob: What the fuck? Why isn't it working?
Marker Tommy Wiseau: Did you try turning it off and turning it back on?
MarkerBob: The only way we could have gotten trapped here is if everyone stopped believing in me...but how could that have happened when I've spent the last day terrorizing the city?
Marker Tommy Wiseau: You know how this generation is with their short attention spans...don't worry...I will never stop believing in you.
MarkerBob: Thanks, Marker Tommy Wiseau. I really needed that.
Marker Tommy Wiseau: I am a beacon of light in a dark, dark world.
MarkerBob: Nah, man! Now you're in my world!
Marker Tommy Wiseau: (laughs) Now I am in your world.
(In the non-marker world, JCM, Fred, Cha, Clappy, Meko, and Seb are walking back to the Circuit City Golf Course.)
Fred: It was so cool of those security officers to let us off with a warning!
Seb: you do realize i hypnotized them first, right?
JCM: I'm so glad I know how to do that now! I feel like such a good shrink!
Seb: i'll be honest, jcm, when i retired, you weren't my first choice to replace me...or my second choice...or my third choice...
JCM: Well, I'll certainly take being your fourth ch-
Seb: or my fourth choice...or my fifth choice...
Seb: or my 267th choice...or my 268th choice...but as my 269th choice, you've done a pretty good job.
JCM: Somehow, I'm not insulted!
Seb: i think i have one more round in me. you all want to stick around?
Clappy: Sure! I'm taking a hit to my attendance either way, so I might as well!
Cha: (shrugs) I guess I'll do the same.
Meko: Anything you want to say to me, Miss Cha?
Cha: Oh, yeah! You have a week of detention for unleashing that thing none of us believe in anymore!
Meko: What?
Cha: Want to make it two weeks?
Meko: (sighs) No.
(Everybody except Meko laughs.)
JCM: Power abuse is fun!
(The End)
-
2
-
-
JCM Fights a Marker Menace (Part 2)
(Meko walks into the school and sees a nickel stop at his feet. JCM gets to him moments later.)
JCM: I finally got you!
Meko: I'm sorry for cutting class, JCM, but...
JCM: I'm not talking about you!
(JCM grabs the nickel and puts it in his pocket.)
JCM: Now, what were you saying?
Meko: MarkerBob's real!
JCM: Yeah, I know.
Meko: Wait, what?
JCM: Yeah, he came into the teacher's lounge and stole our whiteboard! Who does he think he is, walking into random places and acting like he owns everything there, Christopher Columbus?
Meko: Did you just say that because it's Columbus Day?
JCM: It's Columbus Day? Why are we in school, then?
(Meko shrugs.)
JCM: Anyway, I'm about to go back and beat MarkerBob up! You want to come with me?
Meko: Sure!
(JCM and Meko walk to the teacher's longue as Clappy walks out.)
Clappy: JCM, why are you bringing a student into the teacher's longue?
JCM: We're going to fight MarkerBob together!
Clappy: (rolls eyes) Whatever.
JCM: Hey, Clappy, did you know it's Columbus Day?
Clappy: I'm the history teacher. What do you think?
JCM: ...no?
Clappy: I'm heading back to class. Don't let Meko drink any of the vodka.
JCM: Can't promise that!
(JCM and Meko walk into the teacher's lounge, where the whiteboard still has a glowing hole in it.)
Meko: Are you sure this isn't some kind of trap?
JCM: I am not! Let's go!
(JCM jumps into the hole, and Meko goes in after him. They find themselves in the middle of a large, animated city street where everything around them has thick outlines. Cars swerve around them and honk. One of the drivers stretch a hand with a raised middle finger out his window.)
Driver: Get out of the street, ya fuckin' idiots!
Meko: Hey, I'm no idiot!
JCM: I agree he's not an idiot!
(JCM and Meko hurry to a sidewalk and notice Cha, Fred, and MarkerBob sitting on a bench a few blocks away from them.)
Meko: There he is!
JCM: Cha! Fred! Are you guys okay?
Fred: Yeah. Nice of you to finally show up, though.
JCM: It's no problem! Anything for my friends!
Fred: I was being sar-nevermind.
MarkerBob: It's an honor to finally meet you, JCM. I've heard so much about you!
JCM: (blushes) Really?
MarkerBob: And I see you brought a friend.
Meko: Don't act like you don't know me! What's all this about a Marker Holocaust?
MarkerBob: It's quite simple. This world we're in right now is the MarkerZone. It's very similar to your world, only with bigger outlines, and with way fewer people. I've been trying to grow the MarkerZone for decades, and now that I'm free again, I can. I've already taken dozens of people from your world, but I'll need help to truly make the MarkerZone prosper, and I want the four of you to give it to me.
Fred: Why would we do that?
MarkerBob: One of you helped me in the past, didn't you, Cha?
(Fred, JCM, and Meko turn to Cha with shocked expressions.)
Cha: (sighs) It's true. Ten years ago, I not only believed in MarkerBob, but I was obsessed with him. I thought he was the best version of SpongeBob to ever exist, and so, I used dark magic to bring him out of the MarkerZone. It was fun at first, but then I found out that he wanted to start stealing people from our world and bringing them here. I didn't want that, so eventually, I stopped believing in him, and I did everything I could to make sure nobody else would believe in him, either.
MarkerBob: And yet you were unsuccessful. I've brought you and your colleagues here because despite everything, I am grateful to you for showing me your world, showing me all the possibilities. I'm granting you a second chance, and I want you to grant me a second chance, too.
Cha: I'm not helping with your Marker Holocaust. JCM, do the thing.
JCM: The thing? Oh, that thing!
(JCM closes and opens his eyes again. He points an open palm at MarkerBob, but nothing comes out.)
MarkerBob: Your powers won't work in the MarkerZone. You're on my turf now, JCM! Deal with it!
Meko: Listen, MarkerBob, I like you, but it's clear they don't want to help you, and I don't want to help you, so can this just not happen?
MarkerBob: It's already happening! I've already brought some of the best people to the MarkerZone! Tom Hanks! Tom Cruise! Tommy Wiseau!
(MarkerBob points to Marker Tommy Wiseau approaching them on the sidewalk, talking on his cell phone.)
Marker Tommy Wiseau: I did not hit her, it's not true! It's bullshit! I did not hit her!
(Marker Tommy Wiseau throws his phone to the ground in frustration.)
Marker Tommy Wiseau: I did not! Oh, hi, MarkerBob.
MarkerBob: Hi, Tommy. So, now that you know we have all these great people, do you want to help me bring over some more?
Fred: No.
MarkerBob: Suit yourself. I'll return you to your own world, but if you interfere with my plans, I'll send you and everyone you love to the MarkerZone forever!
(MarkerBob draws a hole in the sidewalk with a marker and pushes JCM, Fred, Cha, and Meko into it. They tumble out of the whiteboard in Clappy's room and watch MarkerBob smile as he erases the hole from the other side.)
Clappy: Well, I've officially seen everything.
JCM: If MarkerBob's immune to my powers, how do we stop him?
Fred: JCM, you remember the story Peter Pan?
JCM: Nope!
Fred: Well, in the story, Tinker Bell's about to die because nobody believes in fairies anymore, and the children are able to save her by getting everyone to believe in fairies again. So, we should try the reverse with MarkerBob! Get everyone to stop believing in him, and he'll have no way into our world anymore!
JCM: How are we supposed to do that?
Clappy: I guess since I'm apparently a part of this now, how about mass hypnosis?
JCM: But I was never good at hypnosis! I wanted Seb to teach me, but he hasn't been answering my calls.
Cha: We'll have to find some way to get to Seb, because if we don't, MarkerBob will keep stealing people, and we'll be helpless to stop him.
Fred: Seb? He's probably at the Circuit City Golf Course like he is every Monday.
JCM: How do you know that?
Fred: We've been tight for years!
Cha: Looks like we're going golfing, then!
Clappy: Great! I'm coming, too!
Meko: Don't you guys have, like, classes to teach? Or mental health crises to avert?
(The adults leave the room.)
Meko: I guess not, then.
(To Be Continued)
-
1
-
-
I'll be HAL 9000 again since I think HAL is scary and I don't want to change my pfp again lol
-
1
-
-
I'm back with the first major update to the Games page in six months! Due to an update to the emulator for the Flash games, most of them should be playable now. The games that have been tested and are guaranteed to work are under the Working Games section of the page now. 40 games have been tested so far, including all of the Halloween-themed games, which are colored in orange. I'll try to get the rest of them tested over the weekend, but you're free to play as many as you want, of course, and if you do notice any under Working Games that don't actually work, please message me here or on Discord and I'll try to address it as soon as possible.
-
1
-
-
JCM Fights a Marker Menace (Part 1)
(Cha is in her classroom teaching a large group of students including Meko.)
Cha: Today, we're going to learn about the evolution of SpongeBob's art style.
(Cha presses a button on a remote, and a picture of SpongeBob's season 1 design appears on the monitor behind her.)
Cha: This is what SpongeBob looked like in season 1.
(Cha presses the button again, and the picture changes to a picture of SpongeBob's season 13 design.)
Cha: And this is what SpongeBob looks like now.
(Cha presses the button again, and many different iterations of SpongeBob appear on the monitor now.)
Cha: This is every SpongeBob design we've seen so far. Make sure you take a picture of this, because it will be on the quiz.
(Every student except Meko takes out a phone to take a photo of what's on the monitor while Meko raises his hand.)
Cha: Yes, Meko?
Meko: Where's MarkerBob?
Cha: (rolls eyes) There's no such thing as MarkerBob.
Meko: But there's mountains of evidence of MarkerBob's existence!
Cha: Who's the art teacher here?
Meko: I know he's real! I've seen him!
Cha: If you can find a single shot of MarkerBob in a single SpongeBob episode, I'll acknowledge that you're right, but otherwise, these are the designs we're sticking with.
Meko: I accept your challenge!
(Meko runs out of the classroom.)
Cha: Wait! There's still an hour and a half left in this class! (sighs) Whatever.
(Meko spends the rest of the day in the school library watching every episode of SpongeBob seasons 2 and 3. As he starts Pranks a Lot, he drops his head on the computer desk, clearly tired.)
Meko: Damn it. I haven't seen any MarkerBob. This doesn't make any sense!
(The next morning, Meko goes into JCM's office.)
Meko: JCM, I have a problem.
JCM: And I have a solution!
Meko: You know about MarkerBob, right?
JCM: I do not!
Meko: It's a SpongeBob design where SpongeBob has really thick lines that was supposedly used in certain episodes of SpongeBob seasons 2 and 3, but I went through every episode of both seasons, and I didn't see MarkerBob in any of them! Was it all a lie?
JCM: Yeah, probably.
Meko: Does that mean I'm crazy for believing in him?
JCM: As a shrink, I'm not supposed to use the word "crazy", so instead I'll say you're doozy, not right in the brain, a nut.
Meko: What the fuck? How is saying any of that better than saying "crazy"?
JCM: But I didn't say "crazy", did I? JCM 1, political incorrectness 0!
Meko: (sarcastic) Thanks for the help.
(Meko leaves the office.)
JCM: You're welcome! Make sure to leave me 5 stars on Google Reviews! I could use it!
(As Meko walks to his locker, he finds a giant pickle with a face leaning beside it.)
Pickle man: I heard you're looking for MarkerBob.
Meko: I was, but sadly, he isn't real.
Pickle man: What if I told you...he was?
(The pickle man coughs out a piece of paper with an address on it.)
Pickle man: Go there if you want to learn more.
Meko: Did you...shove that down your throat?
Pickle man: Well, I don't wear clothes, so it's not like I had many other places to put it!
Meko: I'm not touching that! It has saliva all over it!
Pickle man: That's not saliva. It's vinegar. Maybe a bit of LSD, too, but I need something to keep me going.
Meko: Fine.
(Meko takes the piece of paper from the pickle man and reads the address on it.)
Meko: I know where that is! I can get there on my bike!
(Meko makes sure nobody is watching before he leaves the school and gets on his bike. He reaches an abandoned Toys R Us and walks inside. He notices all of the shelves are empty except for one, which has a yellow SpongeBob-themed tablet on it. Meko presses a button on the tablet, and Bubble Buddy starts playing on its screen.)
Meko: There it is! That's MarkerBob! Why didn't the version of this at the school have him?
(Suddenly, the screen goes dark.)
Meko: Of course it dies now!
(Meko hears a familiar laugh behind him. He turns around and sees MarkerBob in the flesh staring back at him.)
Meko: What the fuck?
MarkerBob: You're the first person in five years to release me from this prison! Thank you for believing in me.
Meko: Is this the LSD?
MarkerBob: You must have met my pickle friend. Unfortunately, that awful thing had to be held by a human to free me, but here you are, and here I am!
Meko: So...what are you going to do now?
MarkerBob: I'm going to unleash the Marker Holocaust! Bye!
(MarkerBob skips out of the Toys R Us.)
Meko: Well, that doesn't sound good!
(In the SpongeBob Community School, Cha walks into the teacher's lounge, where Fred and JCM are watching a video on Fred's phone.)
Fred: Cha, have you seen this?
(Fred shows Cha the video, which has footage of MarkerBob stabbing random people with a marker who then vanish.)
Cha: No! This can't be possible!
JCM: I guess Meko was right all along. We owe him an apology.
Cha: We need to kill MarkerBob first.
JCM: That will be easy! I have superpowers, you know!
(Suddenly, the door to the teacher's lounge opens and MarkerBob walks in.)
JCM: Sorry! Faculty only!
MarkerBob: I just wanted to borrow your whiteboard, since you do have the biggest whiteboard in all of Circuit City in this room.
Fred: The better to count down the days until we no longer have to watch other people's kids!
(Fred uses a dry erase marker to draw a line on a whiteboard next to 13 other lines.)
Fred: (tearing up) Just 166 more days.
MarkerBob: I'll borrow that, too!
(MarkerBob snatches the marker from Fred's hand and uses it to draw a circle on the whiteboard which then starts to glow.)
MarkerBob: You ever watch that show ChalkZone?
JCM: Ooh, I loved ChalkZone.
MarkerBob: Well, let me introduce the three of you to...the MarkerZone.
(MarkerBob jumps into the circle and disappears.)
Fred: We aren't going in after him, are we?
Cha: No, of course not.
(MarkerBob pokes his head out of the circle.)
MarkerBob: If you three don't come and visit, I'll send you there permanently the same way I did that to all of those other people. You decide.
(MarkerBob disappears again.)
Fred: (sighs) I guess we have no choice, then.
JCM: Don't worry, guys! I'll be right behind you! Hey look, a nickel!
(JCM runs out of the teacher's lounge to chase a nickel rolling down the hallway.)
Fred: This is going to be a disaster, won't it?
Cha: Yeah, probably.
(Fred and Cha climb into the circle as JCM runs after the nickel, which is getting kicked down the hallway by busy students.)
JCM: I'll have you one of these days, Thomas Jefferson! Just you wait!
(To Be Continued)
-
1
-
1
-
-
JCM Shatters the Fourth Wall
Stewie Griffin: (voiceover) Previously on JCMovies...
(In 2012, JCM and ClassicNickelodeonFan1 are in front of the doors of the SpongeBob Community School with CNF's little brother, ModernNickelodeonFan1, and Arnold from the Nickelodeon television series Hey Arnold!)
MNF1: Hey, who's that guy? (points to Arnold) He looks kind of like Stewie Griffin.
Arnold: Are you fucking kidding me? I came before Stewie Griffin! Before!
CNF1: I'll walk you home later. Now shoo, shoo!
Arnold: Stewie Griffin! Un-fucking-believable! I don't even know why I still bother!
Stewie Griffin: (voiceover) Did somebody call for me?
Arnold: (looks up at the unseen voice) What the fuck?
(In the present day, Wumbo is speeding down the highway in his car with OWM in the passenger seat and JCM in the back.)
JCM: Why are you going so fast?
Wumbo: Because it's the only way for us to get out of here! Don't worry, JCM. By the end of today, we'll either be back where we came from, or we'll be dead.
JCM: Are those our only options?
OWM: I like this guy! I can see why he got deported, but I like him, anyway!
Wumbo: I see the barrier up ahead! We're about to go through the first wall!
JCM: Wall? What are you talking ab-
(Suddenly, everything around JCM freezes and stretches for a moment before returning to normal.)
JCM: Am I the only one who saw that?
Wumbo: Nope! We're officially out of the Family Guy cutaway gag reality! Based on my estimations, we'll have to break through three more barriers before we can return to our reality.
OWM: Does it have to be at 90 miles an hour?
Wumbo: If we're too slow hitting the barrier, it'll stop us, and then we're guaranteed to die, and in a very painful fashion, I might add!
OWM: Well, you've convinced me.
Wumbo: The next barrier is coming! Brace yourselves!
(Everything around JCM freezes again and stretches even more. When everything returns to normal again, JCM vomits.)
JCM: I can't handle doing this two more times, Wumbo!
Wumbo: We're so close to home plate, JCM! We've just gotta pass two more bases!
JCM: (crying) You know I don't know anything about hockey!
Wumbo: But it's...nevermind. We're getting near the third wall! Brace yourselves again!
JCM: No! Please! Don't!
(As everything freezes and stretches more than the last time, JCM closes and opens his eyes.)
JCM: That last barrier is too strong! If we try to go through it, we'll die!
Wumbo: How do you know that?
JCM: (hesitates) Because...because I created it!
(Wumbo's eyes widen with surprise, and as they approach the final barrier, he thinks about what JCM said. He sighs, slows his car down, and pulls it off the highway.)
Wumbo: Why the fuck did you trap us in a Family Guy cutaway gag?
JCM: I was scared. I was becoming something I didn't want to be. I...I nearly killed a child, one of the children I devoted my life to helping.
(JCM leaves the car, and Wumbo and OWM follow him out of it. He watches several cars drive into the barrier and explode, disintegrating the cars and the people inside them.)
JCM: This...was the only way I could think of to protect the people I love without becoming a monster.
OWM: JCM...you've probably killed hundreds of people already with those walls. If this is your idea of protecting people, you're an even bigger idiot than I thought.
JCM: (sighs) You're right. Trapping us in that reality, putting up those walls, partnering with Vlady Putin of all people just to keep my secret safe...that wasn't the way. Your car might not be strong enough to destroy that last wall, but I am!
(JCM runs into the highway and punches the front of every car driving towards the barrier, stopping them.)
Driver: Fuck you, man! You better pay for that shit!
JCM: Sorry, can't hear you!
(JCM points an open palm at the barrier and shoots a blast of energy at it, causing it to shatter. Everything around JCM freezes and stretches for minutes. Once everything returns to normal, JCM closes and opens his eyes again. He then returns to Wumbo and OWM on the side of the highway.)
JCM: I really am sorry.
Wumbo: It's okay, JCM. I'm not mad.
JCM: Really?
Wumbo: Fuck no, not really! I can't believe that I, Wumbology, one of the smartest people on the planet, got tricked by you!
OWM: Humble, aren't we?
(Wumbo, OWM, and JCM get back into Wumbo's car.)
OWM: I'm actually not mad at you, JCM. It's not every day you get to experience life in a Family Guy cutaway.
(Wumbo drives around the stopped cars as he heads back to the school.)
JCM: Whatever Tucker has in store for me after today, I'll be ready, and I'll make sure to never lose sight of who I am again!
Wumbo: Who are you talking to?
JCM: I...thought I was doing one of those anime voiceover thingies.
Stewie Griffin: (voiceover) Like this?
OWM: (looks around) Whoa, what the fuck?
Wumbo: (speeds up again) Nah, fuck this, man!
(The End)
-
1
-
-
I'll be Annoying Arrows.
-
1
-
-
Not enough love for cable. Watching the OG Top Gun on Nick was an experience.
-
1
-
-
JCM Becomes a Family Guy
(Peter and Lois Griffin are playing the piano in their living room.)
Lois: (singing) It seems today that all you see is smart, provoking humor in shows like Barry!
Peter: (singing) But where are those good old fashioned gimmicks...
(The rest of the family slides into the scene.)
Griffins: (singing) On which we used to rely?
(The Griffins are now dressed elaborately and dancing on a stage.)
Griffins: (singing) Lucky there's a Family Guy! Lucky there's a man who positively can do all the things that that make Clapmaster cry!
(Clappy is watching an episode of Family Guy where a cross-dressing Vladimir Putin is giving Peter a lap dance.)
Clappy: (crying) Why do I continue to watch this shit?
(Cut back to the stage.)
Griffins: (singing) He's...a...Family...Guy!
(Zoom out to reveal the Family Guy logo as the music ends. After a few seconds, cut to an establishing shot of the Griffin household before cutting to Peter and Lois on the living room couch watching television.)
Peter: Hey Lois, remember the time we appeared in JCMovies?
Lois: The fuck is a JCMovies?
(Cut to JCM in his office at the SpongeBob Community School. Wumbo runs in.)
Wumbo: JCM, something terrible has happened!
JCM: What?
Wumbo: We're in a Family Guy cutaway gag!
JCM: Really? How do you know?
Wumbo: I have an app on my phone that tells me when we've entered a new reality...
(Wumbo takes out his phone and shows JCM what's on it.)
Wumbo: ...and we're definitely in the "entire world is a throwaway joke on Family Guy" reality.
JCM: How do we get out of it?
Wumbo: We need to find who sent us here in the first place, and since you're usually responsible for the crazy shit that happens at the school, I'm going to you first.
JCM: I swear! I have nothing to do with it!
Wumbo: Maybe not intentionally. Have you opened any weird emails this morning?
JCM: I open every weird email I get!
Wumbo: What the fuck? Have you ever heard of a spam filter?
JCM: I'm 127! I don't understand technology, Wumbo!
Wumbo: (sighs) Fine. Let's just look through your email and find out which one sent us here.
(JCM and Wumbo walk to the computer lab, where they find the cross-dressing Vladimir Putin from earlier at one of the computers.)
Wumbo: Can I help you?
Putin: Oh! I was just...looking at porn! Yeah!
JCM: Hey! He has my AOL page open!
(Putin runs out of the computer lab, and JCM and Wumbo run to his computer.)
JCM: He deleted all my emails!
Wumbo: He definitely has something to do with us winding up here! We have to follow him!
(Putin runs out of the school and finds OWM getting into a school bus. JCM and Wumbo run out next to find Putin jumping onto the back of the school bus as it drives off.)
JCM: What do we do now?
Wumbo: Let's get into my car! Fast!
(Putin climbs onto the top of the school bus as it drives down the street. He crawls to the front of the bus then hangs over it, surprising OWM as he kicks in the driver's window.)
OWM: What the fuck?
Putin: Give me that wheel!
(Putin tries to pull OWM off the wheel, causing the bus to swerve.)
OWM: Knock it off! There's a kid back there!
(OWM points to imindanger, who is sitting at the back of the bus.)
Imindanger: (chuckles) I'm in mortal peril!
(Putin pulls the wheel so hard to the right that the bus topples over, causing imindanger to fly out the window. OWM and Putin fight as JCM and Wumbo speed down the street towards them. JCM leans out his door to catch imindanger and pull him into the car with them.)
Imindanger: Hooray! I'm not dead!
Wumbo: There's Vlady Putin!
JCM: Vlady Putin? Did you just come up with that?
Wumbo: Yeah, I thought it was clever. Come on!
(Just as Putin overpowers OWM, he's grabbed by JCM and Wumbo.)
Wumbo: It's time for you to start talking.
JCM: Yeah! Why are you in drag?
Putin: It's a military strategy.
(Putin pulls one of his arms away from Wumbo then puts a hand on his chest.)
Putin: I'll suck your dick if you give me weapons to commit war crimes in Ukraine with.
Wumbo: (sweating) Holy shit, that's convincing.
JCM: Next question: why did you delete all of my emails?
Putin: I couldn't let you find out who sent you the email that trapped you and everybody else in Circuit City in a Family Guy cutaway gag.
OWM: Wait, we're in a Family Guy cutaway gag?
Wumbo: (rolls eyes) Americans. Am I right, imindanger?
Imindanger: I think there's a piece of glass lodged in my skull. Is there a hospital nearby?
JCM: Last question, Vlady...
Putin: Ooh, that's clever.
Wumbo: Thanks. I came up with it.
JCM: ...who was it that sent me the email?
Putin: I'll tell you...but first, I need to take my pills. I'm an old man, and I'm on a schedule.
JCM: (nods) I understand.
(Wumbo takes a bottle of water out of his car and gives it to Putin, who swallows two pills and then drinks from the water bottle.)
Putin: (licks lips) Thank you.
(Putin foams at the mouth and collapses.)
Wumbo: Those were cyanide pills, weren't they?
OWM: Yup. I could have warned you, but my stupid American brain assumed you wouldn't listen.
Wumbo: And you assumed right! Come on! I have another idea for getting back to our reality!
(Wumbo heads back to his car with JCM and OWM right behind him.)
Imindanger: So...I guess the hospital isn't going to happen, then?
(To Be Continued)
-
1
-
-
HAL 9000
-
1
-
JJS: I'm gonna kick your ass.
JCM: How long has Xat had Hank Hill? I want Hank Hill.
Fred: Why have Hank Hill when you can have Peter Griffin?
WookiePlums: Hello.
Clappy: Late, but "Looney Tunes enjoyer"? Weren't you just talking about how much you wanted to be Hank Hill, JCM?
Wumbo: I want whatever he's smoking.
Prez: Hope JCM and new guy don't find this Remy. I'm so proud of it.
What'd ya last watch? (Movies)
in Culture Shock
Posted
Beetlejuice Beetlejuice