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JCM

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Posts posted by JCM

    JCMovies

    in Davy Jones' Locker

    Posted

    JCM Lets a Rat Loose While the Grim Reaper Tracks Down OMJ's Soul

    (Wumbology brings a crate of lab rats into his science room and proceeds to hump it.)

    Wumbology: Alright, (thrusts) guys. Today we're going to learn (thrusts) about the anatomy of (thrusts) god (thrusts) damn fishes.

    JCM: (grabs a rat from Wumbology's pants) Are you sure their bodies are similar enough?

    Wumbology: I'm kind of busy doing lewd things to a wooden box. Just dissect the fucking thing.

    (JCM points his scissors at the rat.)

    Rat: What the fuck are you doing?

    JCM: I'm dissecting you.

    Rat: The fuck? (slaps the scissors out of JCM's hand and runs away)

    JCM: Wumbo, my rat ran away!

    Wumbology: Damn it, JCM! I was just about to reach my climax.

    Crate: Don't worry, Wumby. I still love you.

    Wumbology: Now you made the crate all sad! I hope you're happy! Grab my gun and help me look for the little bastard!

    (JCM grabs the gun, and he and Wumbology search all over the room to no avail.)

    Voice: (from closet) HELP! THE LITTLE BASTARD IS SHREDDING ME TO PIECES!

    JCM: Where could the rat be?

    Wumbology: I don't know. Say, did you hear something?

    Voice: I'M DYING, GODDAMN IT!

    JCM: No, did you?

    Wumbology: I swear it came from that closet.

    Voice: THIS RAT IS IN HERE IN THE CLOSET MURDERING ME WITH ITS HORRIBLE RAT NAILS!

    JCM: Oh well, let's keep looking for that rat.

    Voice: ARE YOU GUYS FUCKING IDIOTS? OPEN THE GODDAMN DOORS!

    Wumbology: Hey, maybe the rat's in the closet.

    JCM: It doesn't hurt to look.

    Voice: I'M HURTING IN WAYS I DON'T UNDERSTAND! OPEN THE GODDAMN DOORS!

    (JCM opens the closet door, and the rat crawls out.)

    JCM: Well, whaddya know? (sees OMJ dead on the floor) That's going to stink to clean up.

    (The rat's eyes begin to turn red, and it turns around just as Wumbology traps it in a jar.)

    Wumbology: Run off again and I'll rape you with my pen.

    JCM: Hey, you rhymed.

    Wumbology: I'm Dr. fucking Seuss, bitch!

    Rat: (breaks jar) Shut up, you dickheads!

    JCM: Hey, I'm not a phallus face! And stop talking! You're a mother loving rat!

    Rat: I'm no rat! I'm OMJ! And I loved your mother last night!

    Wumbology: OMJ? The dead OMJ?

    Rat: OMJ never dies! All y'all best recognize!

    JCM: Hey, another rhyme!

    Rat: This is not a Disney movie! This is real fucking life! You let me die, so you shall pay!

    JCM: Shall? How old are you, Old Man Jenkins?

    Rat: Old enough! Now, stand still so I can scratch you to death!

    (Suddenly, the Grim Reaper rips open the wall and walks through.)

    Grim Reaper: I've finally found you, OMJ! Once I take you back home, I'm going to have a lot of illegal fun with you!

    Rat: Fuck you, bonehead!

    Grim Reaper: Prepare to die...again!

    (The Grim Reaper slices the rat in half, and JCM jumps into Wumbo's arms.)

    JCM: Let's get out of here!

    Wumbology: Get off of me, weirdo! (runs out of the room with JCM and the rest of the class)

    Grim Reaper: It's just you and me now, Old Man Jerkface!

    OMJ's soul: I'm going to miss that rat. Actually, no, I won't. (pees on the rat's corpse)

    Grim Reaper: Seriously? Now, that's just wrong. Enjoy the rest of your life, you sick fuck! You're not worth fighting. (walks away in disgust)

    OMJ's soul: (zips up pants and smiles) It was all worth it.

    (The End)

    Glee

    in Culture Shock

    Posted

    Glee is a bit of a guilty pleasure for me now, and the fact that most of its fans are teenage girls (and 70s, no offense) makes me want to quit so badly.

    JCMovies

    in Davy Jones' Locker

    Posted

    JCM Tosses a Pigskin Around While the Grim Reaper Busts a Rhyme at the Club Scene

    (JCM and person rest their elbows on a brick wall like those Charlie Brown characters.)

    person: I don't get it. I just don't get it. Why doesn't anybody like me? I'm extremely handsome, I'm extremely talented, and I'm extremely modest.

    JCM: Don't worry, person. If you don't think anyone likes you, just act like me! Everybody loves me! (looks down and sees that70sguy92) Hi, that70sguy!

    that70sguy92: Fuck off, asscunt!

    JCM: My name's JCM! (to person) He loves me, he's just bad with names.

    person: I'm not sure if acting like you will help. I need a plan that'll work.

    JCM: What are you talking about? I'm the coolest guy at the school!

    person: I'm pretty sure that's teenj, JCM. teenj! Of course! What does he do that makes him so awesome?

    JCM: teenj? Oh, come on! What makes him so great? Besides being smart, social, witty and athletic, of course.

    person: Athletic...isn't he pretty big in football?

    JCM: I don't know. I don't care.

    person: That's it! I'll join the football team! Then people will have to like me!

    (person walks out of the coach's office with a uniform and a smile on his face. JCM is waiting outside of the door.)

    person: What are you doing here, JCM? Do you need some love, too?

    JCM: IDON'TNEEDSOMETHINGIALREADYHAVE! I'm only joining in your silly venture to make sure that you don't get killed.

    (JCM walks into the office and slams the door behind him.)

    JCM: Dragiiin, you're the coach?

    Dragiiin123: No one else wanted the job. Here's your uniform. Our first ass slapping session is after school.

    JCM: Don't I have to audition first?

    Dragiiin123: What does this look like? A place where sports matter? Out, out, out.

    (Dragiiin pushes JCM out of his office. Later, everyone's out in the field with sore butts.)

    Dragiiin123: Y'all pat like nobody's business. Keep it up! Next up is tackling practice. Think fast! (throws ball)

    JCM: (catches it) Yay! I caught it! Wait, tackling practice? (tackled by every single person on the team) What was that for? I hate tackling practice! You're a terrible coach!

    Dragiiin123: Don't cry so hard or your mascara will run.

    JCM: I don't wear mascara, you meanie bo beanie!

    (The next day, everyone's practicing their running.)

    JCM: (panting) I'm going to die if I don't stop!

    Dragiiin123: What's wrong? You can't run in your high heels?

    JCM: Stop insulting my masculinity!

    Dragiiin123: I can't insult something that doesn't exist. Now, come on. It's only twenty miles.

    (JCM faints. The next day, everyone's on the benches listening to Dragiiin.)

    Dragiiin123: As you all know, our big game against SpongeBuddy Middle School is tomorrow.

    JCM: I didn't know that!

    Dragiiin123: As you all know, our big game against SpongeBuddy Middle School is tomorrow, and if we hustle, we can take them down no prob.

    Random dude: Gold team rules!

    Dragiiin123: Please take your SpongeBob references to the spin-offs section. Thank you very much.

    (JCM limps into Dragiiin's office the next morning.)

    JCM: Coach, I can't play tonight. I got this really bad splinter on my big toe.

    Dragiiin123: Pull up your skirt, JCM. I can see your vagina.

    JCM: Gosh darn it, Dragiiin! I give up! All I wanted to do was be like teenj12!

    Dragiiin123: The star of the team? He's SBC's Chuck Norris, man! Listen, JCM. Just believe in yourself, and you won't die a horribly brutal death.

    JCM: I guess that's all I can ask for.

    Dragiiin123: Like teenj12. Are you a fucking dolt? Get the fuck out of my office!

    (Later that day, SpongeBob Community battles SpongeBuddy Middle in the most epic football game of all seven minutes. JCM doesn't die a horribly brutal death, and once he's out of the hospital, he rolls his wheelchair to the brick wall from the beginning of the episode.)

    person: No one at the school gives a fuck about sports, apparently.

    JCM: Turns out they like teenj12 because he's rich.

    person: Wanna rob a bank?

    JCM: Heck yes. You get the bag, and I'll get the ski masks.

    (At the club scene, some phony finishes up a spit. The Grim Reaper grabs the mic and lets it roll.)

    Grim Reaper: I'm Death, motherfucker, got my cloak and my scythe! The day you see me at your door is the day you won't see night!

    Old Man Jenkin's ghost: (in the audience) Good one, stick shift!

    Grim Reaper: (raises middle finger) Take a look at this stick, asshole!

    (The End)

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