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JCM

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Posts posted by JCM

    JCMovies

    in Davy Jones' Locker

    Posted

    JCM Hangs With the SpongeBuddies While the Grim Reaper Donates Blood

    (JCM walks into the janitor lounge and sees Steve Urkel eating melted cheese at a table.)

    JCM: tvguy347?

    Steve Urkel: JCMboy, me bob! I need you to get these banjos to my heterosexual companion at SpongeBuddy Middle School Registered Trademark! (takes banjos from under table and drops them) Did I do thaaat?

    JCM: Um, OK. (picks up banjos and leaves)

    Steve Urkel: This isn't melted cheese! This is yellow paint! Oh, well. (digs in)

    (JCM takes the banjos to SpongeBuddy Middle School, and he runs into Mothra there.)

    Mothra: JCM? I thought we ran you off.

    JCM: Torches and pitchforks don't faze me! I endured the Holocaust!

    Mothra: Oh, you're a survivor?

    JCM: No, a Nazi.

    Mothra: I shouldn't have asked. (walks to her classroom)

    JCM: (shrugs and turns) SBRoxMan!

    SBRoxMan: ::dolphin noise:: you!

    JCM: (shrugs and turns) RedSoxFan!

    RedSoxFan274: ::dolphin noise:: you!

    JCM: (shrugs and turns) The Dark Knight!

    Dark Knight: (gravelly) Say one more word to me and I'll chop your balls off with these bat-shaped throwing devices.

    JCM: (crying) I just want to know where tvguy's heterosexual companion is!

    Dark Knight: tvlover? He's in ssj's class.

    JCM: You mean jjs?

    Dark Knight: Who the ::dolphin noise:: is jjs?

    (JCM marches into ssj4gogita4's class while beating his banjos.)

    ssj4gogita4: (shushes him) They're having naptime.

    JCM: (loudly) Boy, do I miss naptime. Where's tvlover?

    ssj4gogita4: Please leave before I'm forced to taser you again.

    Spongey34: (over intercom) Attention, students! It's time for your daily newbreak!

    Students: (waking up) ::dolphin noise:: you, Spongey!

    JCM: Where do those dolphin chirps come from, anyway?

    ssj4gogita4: It's middle school, ::dolphin noise::tard. They come naturally.

    JCM: tvlover?

    ssj4gogita4: spongedude! God ::dolphin noise::ing ::dolphin noise:: it!

    (At spongedude's room, JCM rolls the banjos in.)

    JCM: You're with abney now?

    abney317: Nice to see you again too, butthole.

    spongedude: If you're looking for tvlover, he's with the librarian.

    JCM: You have a library?

    spongedude: No, we have a librarian.

    (At the librarian's lounge, JCM walks in on DJ Sponge and bookworm having sex.)

    JCM: tvlover?

    bookworm: Get the fuck out!

    JCM: What happened to the dolphin-

    (bookworm literally kicks JCM out of the lounge, and JCM rolls to the bathroom door.)

    JCM: Now how will I find-

    Ricky Ricardo: (opens bathroom door, knocking JCM out) Oh Lucy, I'm home! (looks down) Hey, my banjos! My heterosexual companion must have left these for me! He's getting a prooty good surprise this evening!

    (At the Red Cross down the street, the Grim Reaper walks up to the receptionist.)

    Grim Reaper: How does it look? Can I donate blood?

    Receptionist: According to our records, you're ten trillion pounds too light to donate blood.

    Grim Reaper: Am I still getting paid?

    Receptionist: Get the fuck out.

    Grim Reaper: Yes, ma'am. (leaves)

    (The End)

    JCMovies

    in Davy Jones' Locker

    Posted

    JCM Lets a Rat Loose While the Grim Reaper Tracks Down OMJ's Soul

    (Wumbology brings a crate of lab rats into his science room and proceeds to hump it.)

    Wumbology: Alright, (thrusts) guys. Today we're going to learn (thrusts) about the anatomy of (thrusts) god (thrusts) damn fishes.

    JCM: (grabs a rat from Wumbology's pants) Are you sure their bodies are similar enough?

    Wumbology: I'm kind of busy doing lewd things to a wooden box. Just dissect the fucking thing.

    (JCM points his scissors at the rat.)

    Rat: What the fuck are you doing?

    JCM: I'm dissecting you.

    Rat: The fuck? (slaps the scissors out of JCM's hand and runs away)

    JCM: Wumbo, my rat ran away!

    Wumbology: Damn it, JCM! I was just about to reach my climax.

    Crate: Don't worry, Wumby. I still love you.

    Wumbology: Now you made the crate all sad! I hope you're happy! Grab my gun and help me look for the little bastard!

    (JCM grabs the gun, and he and Wumbology search all over the room to no avail.)

    Voice: (from closet) HELP! THE LITTLE BASTARD IS SHREDDING ME TO PIECES!

    JCM: Where could the rat be?

    Wumbology: I don't know. Say, did you hear something?

    Voice: I'M DYING, GODDAMN IT!

    JCM: No, did you?

    Wumbology: I swear it came from that closet.

    Voice: THIS RAT IS IN HERE IN THE CLOSET MURDERING ME WITH ITS HORRIBLE RAT NAILS!

    JCM: Oh well, let's keep looking for that rat.

    Voice: ARE YOU GUYS FUCKING IDIOTS? OPEN THE GODDAMN DOORS!

    Wumbology: Hey, maybe the rat's in the closet.

    JCM: It doesn't hurt to look.

    Voice: I'M HURTING IN WAYS I DON'T UNDERSTAND! OPEN THE GODDAMN DOORS!

    (JCM opens the closet door, and the rat crawls out.)

    JCM: Well, whaddya know? (sees OMJ dead on the floor) That's going to stink to clean up.

    (The rat's eyes begin to turn red, and it turns around just as Wumbology traps it in a jar.)

    Wumbology: Run off again and I'll rape you with my pen.

    JCM: Hey, you rhymed.

    Wumbology: I'm Dr. fucking Seuss, bitch!

    Rat: (breaks jar) Shut up, you dickheads!

    JCM: Hey, I'm not a phallus face! And stop talking! You're a mother loving rat!

    Rat: I'm no rat! I'm OMJ! And I loved your mother last night!

    Wumbology: OMJ? The dead OMJ?

    Rat: OMJ never dies! All y'all best recognize!

    JCM: Hey, another rhyme!

    Rat: This is not a Disney movie! This is real fucking life! You let me die, so you shall pay!

    JCM: Shall? How old are you, Old Man Jenkins?

    Rat: Old enough! Now, stand still so I can scratch you to death!

    (Suddenly, the Grim Reaper rips open the wall and walks through.)

    Grim Reaper: I've finally found you, OMJ! Once I take you back home, I'm going to have a lot of illegal fun with you!

    Rat: Fuck you, bonehead!

    Grim Reaper: Prepare to die...again!

    (The Grim Reaper slices the rat in half, and JCM jumps into Wumbo's arms.)

    JCM: Let's get out of here!

    Wumbology: Get off of me, weirdo! (runs out of the room with JCM and the rest of the class)

    Grim Reaper: It's just you and me now, Old Man Jerkface!

    OMJ's soul: I'm going to miss that rat. Actually, no, I won't. (pees on the rat's corpse)

    Grim Reaper: Seriously? Now, that's just wrong. Enjoy the rest of your life, you sick fuck! You're not worth fighting. (walks away in disgust)

    OMJ's soul: (zips up pants and smiles) It was all worth it.

    (The End)

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