Dr. Pepper

GIMME THAT PIZZA

Episode 7: Three Bad Okay, so this video actually seems to follow the plot (?) of the song, so this makes it easy! We simply go to the next song on the album, entitled "Just For". Here are the lyrics to that song for you to follow along at home! So the kid's dad, played by Gord Downie (not really, but it kinda looks like him, oh edit this out Wumbo no one knows what you're talking about), learned to support his family to an uncomfortable extent, to the point where he expressed immense anger at any man who dared look at his wife. He would also express that he wanted to "break their minds down", though it is unclear what, if anything, was meant by this. The kid learned to drive more safely and now runs a driving school that doubles as a woodworking club. Mom divorced Dad for good and went to live in a place that won't have her living out her life to the tune of Nickelback lyrics. Nickelback's bassist, Mike Kroeger, continued to wear that damn cowboy hat.

I could pay money to have him shanked.

Episode 6: Wait, Surely This is The Same Song, Right? No? Okay Say what you want about Nickelback; they have a formula for success! Anyway, this video has a lot of potential characters that are interesting to look at, so let's get a sample few of the highlights and look at each of them individually, shall we? 1. Main Character Man After saving the woman from being crushed by a fallen... ...whatever the hell is going on here, Main Character Man went on to live his life a bit more carefully, understanding the ramifications if you don't look both ways before crossing the street like a jackass. You could end up with seeing-numbers-over-people's-heads disease, which is a fate even worse than death. You know what? Cross that street next time. 2. Sequel Woman We know Nickelback likes their sequels to songs, so why not have a sequel to this video as well? Sequel Woman suffered the same fate as Main Character Man, afflicted with the same condition. She cured this by paying for someone's lunch at Tim Hortons. Yeah, didn't actually need to go and save someone's life! It was really that simple. Deceptively so. Maybe there shouldn't be a sequel video after all. 3. Thanks a Lot Buddy, Now We Have to Watch a Nickelback Video Because of You After saving Main Character Man from getting hit by a bus (and getting fired at his funeral), this guy went on to propose a new transit system that uses high-speed railways hovering above the streets so nothing like that would ever have the chance of happening again. Unfortunately, the fat suits did not care for the idea, and he and his hat were banished to be a background character in another Nickelback video, I'm sure. 4. Your Dad Tried the Nick Carter Filter on Snapchat to Disastrous Results Wait, sorry, that's just Chad Kroeger. Moving on. 5. This Woman Does Not Want to Be Bothered Just making a phone call as MCM tries to reach for her invisible head-numbers. Quit bothering her, asshole. I feel bad for even including her here. No, you don't get to know what happened to her. Mind your business. 6. NOM NOM I SURE DO LOVE MY BISCUIT OR WHATEVER If you look closely, this guy's health bar is dropping faster than everyone else's. This is because he is eating fatty foods and at risk of choking due to eating and walking. Or it would be the case if I didn't just make the first part up. This guy paid for his own lunch at Tim Hortons. 7. Life Begins at Conception, Man! No but seriously what the hell 8. She's Dead Where is she now? Heaven. A place where blind men see... wait, wrong buttrock band. She's dead. 9. The Joker Okay, no, he's not in this video, but he may as well be.

Episode 5: Wait, You're Sure This Isn't The Same Song? Okay Then Wow, that's a thumbnail alright! Anyway, clearly the people to focus on in this video are the happy dead couple, now that they are both dead and happy because they are dead and together again, in the greatest tribute to "The Sixth Sense" you may ever see (not that I personally know of many, but that's besides the point). But really, what is there to discuss with this couple? They are both spooky dead now, they will probably both go to hell for dying in a bridge accident and delaying traffic. No, I want to talk about the people who witness the car crash, and then turn around to supposedly see the light: that ghosts are real, and the afterlife is a sure thing. At least, that's what I assume is happening here. Otherwise, they are turning around to look at nothing, which doesn't exactly have the same dramatic effect if you really think about it. Are these guys playing in a parking garage? Well, no wonder the woman in this video died! That truck had nowhere to park! Anyway, the people. Once witnessing the majesty of ghostly suicidal love, a video ending that contains emotions as muddy and murky as, well, your average Nickelback song, the people went on to form their own cult religion, Kroeger's Witnesses. For the next several years, they would knock on people's doors and bellow "HAVE YA HEARD THE GOOD NEWS" in their best Nickelback impression. Some even took to wearing spaghetti strainers on their heads as a symbolic gesture to their God's hairstyle. Eventually, these people realized they were in a Nickelback video and became disillusioned, though thankfully not to the point of running red lights and getting crushed by trucks. You know what they say, no use crying over spilled milk that only leaves one set of footprints. Because those were the times when your ghostly boyfriend carried you to the grocery store to survey more options for calcium in your diet. That's how it goes, right? Hey, Nickelback video guys? Maybe don't put MAN DIE BRIDGE newspaper in the first scene of your video if you want your ghost thing to be a "twist". God, this is the longest episode I've written and it's for a ripoff song of How You Remind Me. How the hell did we wi-

I want an adult size Krabby Patty.

Episode 4: Are We Having Fun Yet? The woman in this video, who seems to be a figment of Chad's imagination but then isn't and is at the Nickelback concert but then he's at his own Nickelback concert and god damn this is a shitty video. Anyway, after being trashed in Nickelback's breakthrough hit by Buttrock Jesus himself, Melanie (I dunno she looks like a Melanie) went on to find a new band to date the lead singer of. Unfortunately, that turned out to be Adam Gontier from Three Days Grace, who happened to write "I Hate Everything About You" soon after. She swore off rock guys for good and focused on opening up a recycling center, so when you're down to the bottom of every bottle, you can bring your used bottles there! Chad Kroeger went on to cut his hair in increasingly ridiculous ways for the rest of the decade.

I did not become as cool as this dad

Episode 3: HAVE WE GOT ANY NICKELBACK FANS ON SBC ARE YA SURE? ... ... COULD YA CHECK ... ... SEE YA Anyway, Randy Rockthrower (the one who threw the rock, apt name I know) went on to throw rocks at other similarly unhip bands and artists at the time, such as Limp Bizkit, Metallica post-Napster, and Trapt because he was headstrong and would take on anyone. Not Theory of a Deadman, because who could possibly give enough of a shit. In 2008 at a Saving Abel concert, Rockthrower was caught and detained by the buttrock police and sentenced to three years of cutting his life into pieces. As a last resort, he escaped from the prison and laid low until he could imagine dragons and create an entirely new world of suck rock all on his own. That's right. Randy Rockthrower was actually Dan Reynolds. Surprised? I Bet My Life you aren't! Ha ha ha where's the Tylenol

Canada - big, bold, beautiful state. Many people have told me it would be a great "state" for our economy. We will just have to see what GOVERNOR Carney thinks about the big, bold, beautiful deal. I'm sure he would welcome it inside, just as the house guests, you know Canada, we like to keep our guests warm in Canada. The 51st state. Many people are saying this. Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DJT

Episode 2: What the Hell is on Joey's Head? It was the Stanley Cup, on loan to Joey from the 2004 Stanley Cup Champions the *checks notes* Tampa Bay Lightning! After wearing it on his head for a silly picture, Joey told Chad to stop doing the goddamn devil horns in every photo. Chad disagreed, and decided to confide in then 20-year-old Adam Levine, who told him that it was getting harder to breathe... wait, sorry, that's Avril Lavigne, and eventually they would marry. Remember that? What the hell was I talking about. Say what the hell is on Joey's h-