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4. Kintsugi Dalmatians (Originally written on March 27th, 2025)
Not too long ago, Delilah and Doug were preparing for the right moment to pop one very special request they had for their eldest kids, Dylan and Dolly, both of whom at that point just became teenagers. They gave one look at a certain shoddily-made kintsugi mold with ‘WE ARE SORRY’ etched on it before they agreed now was the best time.
Dolly was entertaining the pups with some of the tricks she had learned while Dylan was focused on maintaining order in the house.
“Dylan, Dolly, we need you for a bit,” Delilah spoke.
“There’s something we have to talk to you two about, just between us,” said Doug. The two eldest Dalmatians were then summoned to talk with their parents.
“If it’s the birds and the bees talk, I’ve come emotionally prepared,” said Dylan.
“Not yet, sweet, it’s more important than that,” Delilah reassured.
“Oh, what is it?” Dolly asked curiously.
“Dylan, Dolly, we’ve been taking notice of how you’ve been taking care of things all around the house, and as well as the pups, even when we had a puppysitter supervise you guys,” said Doug.
“Come on, dad, you should know that we don’t need a puppysitter anymore,” Dolly scowled.
“That’s right, which is why we were going to tell you two that you will no longer be needing one,” Doug continued.
Before Dylan and Dolly could express their excitement over that news, Delilah added, “But...there is one condition you both must agree to. We would like you to be the primary caretakers for all your younger brothers and sisters while we work – starting tomorrow.”
At first, the two eldest siblings were skeptical and thought about how much of a load that kind of job would be.
That was when Dylan spoke, “Wait, you want...US to look after all 97 of the pups!?" He paused to think of his parents' request for a moment and then said "I think I can handle it. I have been doing some housework to make it feel less like a chore for you both to deal with. Besides, I do know a lot about the pups more than anyone else, so…”
“Ugh, I don’t know. It sure does sound like a lot of work,” Dolly doubted.
“You have been spending a lot of fun times with the pups, Dolly. You don’t have to think of it as work,” Doug acknowledged.
“I believe you and Dylan make a wonderful team,” Delilah remarked. “Do a good job and we’ll let you two do this for as long as you’d like.”
“Hmmm, in that case...I’ll do it!” Dolly decided. “I’ll be the best big sister ever, count on it!”
“Come on, it's just a job our parents asked us to do while they work, it's not some popularity contest or anything!” Dylan contended.
“Then it’s settled. Dylan, Dolly, you’re in-charge.” Delilah declared.
One month had passed since the dognapping incident. With Deepak’s help, the Dalmatian family was now seeing a stable recovery from their collective trauma, with the puppies beginning to return to the joyful energy the family was used to seeing before the incident, and with Triple D also being able to return to commercial work after their mental health break. After only letting the pups outside with extra supervision from Doug and Delilah, Dylan and Dolly have been allowing them to step outside a little more as their worries of Cruella were easing up. Although things were starting to look up, something shaky was going on for the Dalmatians…
“Cruella De Vil, huh? So that is the name of the ruffian that destroyed one’s neighbourhood for Dalmatian fur?” Clarissa asked.
“It wasn’t just any Dalmatian fur she was after, she wanted our family’s fur specifically,” Dylan clarified. “Now that you understand the story behind what happened that night, can you promise to never make light of it, and to keep that piece of our family’s history between us?”
“I suppose I could agree to that. Trauma is no laughing matter,” Clarissa replied, “but if this is your way of saying sorry about what happened to one’s forget-me-nots in one’s garden last week, I still won’t accept it.”
“There isn’t much we could do about Diesel’s sleep-digging,” Dylan informed. “It’s not like we did it on purpose. I’m sure Diesel just seems to be very fond of your gardening.”
“Fine, forget about it, then,” Clarissa continued. “How are things between you and Dolly? I would like to know.”
“We are not talking,” Dylan said bluntly, along with Dolly who suddenly said the exact same thing in-sync with her stepbrother.
Clarissa, one of the Dalmatians’ next door neighbors, would notice Dylan and Dolly’s tension the instant they appeared in front of her home. They have been arranged to speak with her in her garden – erm, one’s garden, as she so calls it, to have her catch up on the details corresponding to Cruella’s intrusion. When Clarissa set up the table for them, along with a helping of some tea and dog biscuits, Dylan and Dolly sat far apart and refused to make eye contact with one another. Dylan would be the one to share the details while Dolly stared at her corgi neighbor and her stepbrother with a scornful look. I could have fun with this, Clarissa thought, although she decided to be civil for the time being.
“What a surprise!” Clarissa said, who was actually acting to come off as such, “Why, I always knew the two of you tend to be at each other’s throats, but have you both reached the point where you can’t stand to even talk to each other?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know, you pompous pooch?” Dolly sneered.
“We only came to talk with you about what happened since the past month. I could tell you what one certain dog did to make feel so crabby recently, but I’d rather not,” said Dylan.
“Oh, you don’t have to be so vague,” said Clarissa. “There’s nothing more interesting than hearing about drama with the fam…”
“I could tell you what Dylan did to make me mad at him, but that’s also none of your business,” said Dolly.
“Look, one knows that we’ve had our…conflicts…” said Clarissa.
“...Like the time you got our entire house infested with fleas?” Dolly deadpanned.
“...Or the time that you tried to get us evicted by having your pet call animal control on us?” Dylan added.
“...Or that time you coaxed me into becoming ‘Camilla’?” Dolly added.
“Right, I was responsible for all of those things, but we all learn to take those responsibilities, so we can leave it all in the past,” Clarissa continued. “Whatever it is that’s bothering you two, you can tell me anything. We have been neighbors for so long, after all – far too long for that matter. Still, one thinks that we should use those irreconcilable differences as a way for us to start getting to know each other better.”
Dolly hopped off of the garden chair she was seated in, already on her way to head out. “UGH, that’s it! I am out of here! Just leave it to my stupid brother to drag me into this chat with our stupid neighbor! Leave me in solo pup care, will you…” She continued to mutter angrily to herself until she was now out of Dylan and Clarissa’s sights.
“I should apologize to you about Dolly’s behavior,” Dylan said to his corgi neighbor. “She’s been giving me the cold shoulder for a week, and I thought she’d get over it in time.”
“One understands how it is,” Clarissa was saying, “you and Dolly have reached the phase in your lives in which you two can no longer stand to be around each other. It is fate for siblings to turn out that way. One moment, you’re feeling inseparable towards your dear brother or sister, but then, just when you think you know them, they take advantage of you, and then you’d have no other choice than to turn your back on them. I hate to tell you this, but it’s the sign of the times.”
“How can you be so sure? I thought you’re an only child.”
“One does have a relative. We haven’t been in speaking terms for years.”
“I can tell why,” Dylan deadpanned.
“Besides, should you be comforting your sister right now...that is if you don’t hate her?”
“I’m sure we could patch things up if Dolly were to be so willing to admit what she did was wrong.” Dylan sighed and then finished, before leaving Clarissa’s garden, “Thanks for letting us have this talk anyway.”
The next morning, 101 Dalmatian Street would have a surprise visitor. Hunter De Vil, who was once again his normal self, was in front of the doorsteps with his heart in his mouth. He was thinking about what to say to the Dalmatians, who were unaware of his presence since they were all asleep.
“...Hello Dalmatian fam, long time no see!” Hunter improvised. “By the way, sorry about everything I’ve done in my past, trying to get your fur for my great aunt through desperate means and all, but everyone make terrible mistakes sometimes, right?” Hunter paused and shifted a glance. His apologetic manner of speaking and disposition faded afterwards and he then said. “No...that sounds too insincere. Oh, um...what brings me here, you ask? I just thought I’d take the time to get to know you all better and make up for my mistakes. How am I these days? Well, I’ve been scavenging for food from trash cans since the tower I used to reside was put under investigation because of my aunt, but don’t worry about me, I’m still doing fine for myself. It is lonely over there at that tower anyway. You wouldn’t mind giving me one of those warm family hugs, right? Because...I could use a hug…”
Unknown to Hunter, two particular Dalmatians were already awake and he could hear muffled quarrels from outside the house.
“Get back here and help me out with our morning schedule, bark breath!” He would hear Dylan exclaim.
“Oh, so now you want my help!? Beat it, bro!” He heard Dolly exclaim.
Hunter sighed and stepped away from the home, and said “Never mind, I guess I caught you all in a bad time…”
Earlier that same morning, Dylan was having trouble making his stepsister get up from the mantle, as she refused to move a muscle. After calling for Dolly to wake up several times, Dylan would get her attention after throwing a rubber chicken at her.
Dolly growled, glanced back at Dylan, and spoke towards him bitterly, “What did you do that for?”
“Get up, we need to get breakfast ready for everyone, and by ‘we,’ I do also mean you,” Dylan responded in a stern tone.
“Leave me alone,” Dolly muttered.
“Look, I know we’ve been uncooperative since the past several days, but enough is enough.” Dylan replied.
“Are you finally going to apologize for what you did to me?”
“No – not until you apologize for what YOU did to ME.”
Dolly hopped off the mantle and showed Dylan outside of the bedroom, then saying to him, “All right, that’s it! You’re asking for this!”
“Okay, if’s that’s the way I’m going to have to knock some sense into you, then fine!”
What followed afterwards was some angry roughhousing between the two Dalmatians, that otherwise wouldn’t escape the notice from the rest of the dogs as they knew they’d be in for a rude awakening.
DJ pressed his headphones with his front paws firmer to his ears.
Dawkins held Princess Positron tighter.
Dante’s body shook vigorously as he cornered himself further away.
Dizzy and Dee Dee hid themselves in a tight spot in the room.
Da Vinci buried her head in one of her paint cans.
Triple D’s Destiny and Deja Vu remained asleep while Dallas, the middle triplet, was awoken by Dylan and Dolly’s quarrel. She got up from her dog bed and gave herself a brief peak of their fighting before going back inside the bedroom with a chill down her core.
Deepak, who was awake earlier than the others, was outside during one of his own meditation sessions, focusing his mind away from the muffled arguing that was taking place inside until Dylan and Dolly slammed the back door open. Both had visible scuff marks on them while Dylan additionally had some soaked patches of fur.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’d like to be in my treehouse – ALONE!” Dylan exclaimed.
“So you’re just going to leave me in solo pup care again!?” Dolly bickered.
“I’d tried to be reasonable with you…” Dylan replied.
“Sure, because throwing my rubber chicken in my face and crudely peeling off the stickers from my skateboard deck is meant to be reasonable,” Dolly replied in a sarcastic tone.
“Well that’s not as immature as you dropping one of my moon rocks in the toilet! I’m sorry, but I really got to get my mind off things since I’m already having such a rough...morning…”
Dylan’s anger suddenly simmered down upon Deepak massaging his fur before he could settle in the treehouse. Dolly was forced to calm down afterwards upon noticing the yoga pup.
“Did you need my assistance for what had caused you both to disrupt my morning yoga routine?” Asked Deepak.
“Do we have to tell you?” Dolly asked.
“It’s abundantly clear to me that you were fighting over something,” Deepak replied.
“Dolly broke my telescope,” Dylan said bluntly.
“You’re still mad about that after a week?” Dolly remarked. “I tried to tell you it was an accident.”
“It was a one-of-a-kind antique model that was in my side of the family for generations, and you carelessly broke it, even threw it in our rubbish bin!” Dylan continued.
“Diesel must’ve picked it up and-”
“Yes, I know, you told me Diesel somehow found it lying around and just tossed it in one of our bins, I’ve already heard that excuse before. There you go again letting someone else take the fall for your mistakes. Would it really kill you to be a responsible sibling for once?”
“Well, look who’s talking when you ditched me in going to see the local football game I prearranged for the two of us to watch that same week,” Dolly explained. “You told me you were unable to go because you were ‘feeling out of it,’ but then who do I see playing Poodlewoof with Hansel and your dorky friends right after I had went alone? Yep, it was you, all right!”
“Come on Dolly, you know I always tend to have a busy schedule and you’d know how I feel when you interfere with it out of the blue,” Dylan was saying.
“That’s not what I heard from you. ‘Oh, sorry sis, you know sports aren’t really my thing,’” Dolly spoke in a tone mocking Dylan’s, “That exact bit you told me after I got ditched still plays in the back of my head like one of DJ's records, bro!”
“Yes, I can tell what kind of conundrum you two have ended up in,” Deepak remarked.
“Oh, and what is that?” Dolly inquired.
“You both did something to each other that was wrong and you both refuse to admit what you did was wrong,” Deepak clarified.
“Deepak can sure read our feelings like a book,” Dolly remarked.
“As it seems, the mistakes you have committed to are serious to you and non-serious to one another and vice versa, therefore preventing the two of you from making amends in the process, even if you want to,” Deepak continued.
“Yeah, it’s true. I would be able to apologize if Dolly wasn’t being so stubborn,” said Dylan.
“I’d say the same about you, bro,” Dolly added.
“It feels weird to be asking for an intervention from you, but there is no point in just fighting like this,” said Dylan.
“If it is going to be that way, then I have a proposal. It’s a risk, but I know of one method I can try to make you two patch things up,” Deepak suggested. “Sometimes when I need to truly embrace my inner cat, I become...let’s call it my ‘outer cat,’ by replacing my dog mind with what I envision a cat’s way of thinking to be like.”
“Does that also mean you chase mice and use a litterbox like an actual cat?” Dolly questioned.
“Let’s...not focus on the cat stuff for a minute,” Deepak responded. “What I’m referring to is a special technique from Guru Miaow in which one’s own inner emotions are supplanted with that of someone else’s. What I’m going to have you two do is try and to understand the feelings of one another by having your personalities switched around for the day, or at least until you both make amends.”
“Wait, does that mean…” Dolly said, trying to process his younger brother’s suggestion.
“I don’t understand. How would me being irresponsible like Dolly help me to understand her feelings?” Dylan asked.
“Yeah, and how would me being a wet blanket like Dylan help me understand him better?” Dolly asked.
“You’ll know when those feelings hit you hard enough to acknowledge them,” Deepak explained. “If you both accept, you’ll begin the process by taking off and exchanging your collars.”
“If you say so…” said Dylan as he and Dolly took off their collars. As instructed, they swapped them around and held on to them with their paws.
“This is ridiculous,” Dolly remarked.
“Ah, ah, ah, there won’t be any doubts being made towards Miaow in any session,” said Deepak. “The next thing you must do is close your eyes and think of the dog right next to you – and no one else except that dog. Now repeat after me – for Dylan: ‘Free my mind and let in Dolly. Meow-wow-wow-wow…’ for Dolly: ‘Free my mind and let in Dylan. Meow-wow-wow-wow….’”
As instructed, Dylan and Dolly did their respective mantras, while also being in the required lotus position.
“Now, you will put on the collar right in front of you and then you will open your eyes.” Deepak continued. “Just like that, the spirit of Guru Miaow should have already worked its wonder.”
“Hmm…I don’t feel any different,” Dolly remarked.
“Neither do I,” Dylan added. “Although...I can’t seem to remember what we were doing a minute ago.”
“Well, now that I’ve used one of Guru Miaow’s methods to help calm you two down, I suppose you should be getting all the other pups up for breakfast,” Deepak pointed out.
“Oh, that’s right! Oh my dog, what time is it!?” Dolly uttered. “What are we sitting around here for? We’re going to fall behind on our schedule if we don’t wake up the pups! I haven’t even showered yet!”
“It’s fine, sis, I don’t feel like following this schedule anyway,” Dylan responded. “I’ll skip my shower.”
“Don’t be gross, Dylan,” Dolly replied with a scolding tone.
“I’ll handle giving everyone their breakfast, don’t worry about it, sis,” Dylan replied before he and his stepsister went back inside along with their switched personalities.
“Wow, that actually worked!” Deepak remarked. “I can only hope things don’t take a turn for the worst. I should try and keep an eye on them.”
Dylan and Dolly made their way back to the bedroom to give the rest of the puppies their wake up call (except for Dallas, who still awake after the top dogs’ roughhousing minutes ago).
“Puuuuuuuuups, wake uuuuuuuuuup! It’s time for breakfaaaaaaaaaaaast!” Dylan exclaimed in a rather obnoxious manner than normal.
The tidal wave of Dalmatian puppies stampeded from across the bedroom and into the kitchen downstairs. While Dylan trailed through the upstairs hallway alongside the pups, Dolly was trying to control the chaos.
“Single file line, pups, single file line!” Dolly called out. “Delgado, how many times do we have to tell you this? – Use the tunnels to go to the kitchen, not the stairs!”
“Bow whacka wow!” Dylan said as he made his way down sliding on the railing of the stairs.
“That’s my line, Dylan!” Dolly nagged.
“Oh yeah, and what are you going to do about it?” Dylan teased.
Delilah and Doug, the parents of the Dalmatian family, were awake afterwards and met up with the two top dogs in front of the stairs, unaware of their current situation.
“Good morning mum, good morning dad,” said Dolly.
“You two look dirtied up. Have you been fighting again?” Delilah asked.
“Oh! – No, uhhhhh….it’s just the munch rush as usual,” Dylan said, trying to come up with an excuse.
“Well, is there any reason why you’re both wearing the wrong collars?” Doug pointed out.
“Oh, you know, just a typical morning mix-up,” Dolly fibbed. “We can’t seem to take them off right now, although we were going to have our showers later, right Dylan?” The last two words she muttered towards her stepbrother.
“I don’t need to wash up, I already told you,” Dylan responded. “I was planning to go hit the ramps today, so I’d rather be outside looking like this than smelling like an entire perfume store anyway. Now go and help me get breakfast ready, sis.”
“My, you two sure are acting different this morning,” Delilah remarked.
The Dalmatians pups would already pick up on the sudden change in behavior between Dylan and Dolly during breakfast. While Dolly was munching on her kibble normally, Dylan would shovel through his like most of the other pups and he then let out a loud enough burp for the family to hear after finishing his bowl.
“Dylan, mind your manners,” Dolly grunted in an embarrassed and nagging tone.
“We’re dogs, sis. That’s the least of our worries.” Dylan replied. “Since I’ve finished my breakfast, can I go now?”
“No you may not,” Dolly replied. “We have a schedule for today we need to discuss. There’s a ton of chores in this house we need to run through.”
“Since when did you care so much about chores?” Dimitri 1 pointed out.
“All-done-may-I-be-excused?” Delgado spoke in his usual fast-talking demeanor.
“Yes you can, little bro. Even if Delgado still makes a mess of things, at least he knows when to tell us to excuse him.” Dolly continued.
“So, um, if I could say anything...I heard fighting,” DJ said nonchalantly.
“DJ, not in front of the family table…” said Dolly with a nervous tone.
“But it’s true!” DJ continued. “I could ask why you and Dylan are acting so weird all of a sudden, but I’m still feeling bummed about what Da Vinci did the other day…”
“Huh, what did Da Vinci do?” Dolly asked.
“She got paint all over one of my records.” DJ replied. “I got mad at her, so then she got all upset and she won’t talk to me…”
“Sounds like a problem that I am very much familiar with,” Dolly replied before then giving her stepbrother a side glance. “I understand why you would be mad, but you should know how sensitive Da Vinci can be.”
“Well...what’s so bad about a splash of color? I bet that record looks cooler that way,” Dylan remarked.
“It would be if it was transparent, but it’s solid paint,” DJ pointed out. “It dried up and got all over the grooves, which means I can’t play it at all, because it’s ruined!”
“Well, uh...I’m sure you and Da Vinci will get over it soon,” said Dylan.
“Don’t you and Dolly always try to make us apologize when any of us get into a disagreement?” DJ asked.
“We’d like to help with your problem and as well as Da Vinci’s, but we’ve got more pressing matters to deal with right now,” said Dolly. “Dylan, since I helped you with the kibble pump, you could help me with cleaning up and packing lunches for mum, dad, and Triple D.”
Dylan groaned. “I guess I’ll help with the lunches, since we always do that together.” He acquiesced. “It’s better than either of us being forced into solo pup care anyway.”
Several minutes later, Doug and Delilah were already about to head off for work. Destiny and Deja Vu were also near the front door, but the middle triplet, Dallas, wasn’t present.
“Say, have either of you seen Dallas?” Dylan asked the two-thirds of Triple D.
“She’s been working on something upstairs, I think,” said Deja Vu.
Dylan and Dolly promptly went upstairs to see Dallas looking restless but also working away on a pile of paper scraps along with drawing & coloring utensils among other crafting supplies.
“Destiny and Deja Vu are waiting for you, Dallas,” Dylan called out. Dallas started shaking as she noticed the presence of the two top dogs.
“Oh yeah...right…” Dallas muttered.
“Hey, are you sure you’re okay with going to work today?” Dolly asked as she gave herself an examination of Dallas in the similar way Delilah would. She then took out the family’s glowing cat thermometer to check Dallas’ health and saw nothing concerning. “You do look sick though, or did you have any nightmares again and you under-slept?”
“I’m fine. Wait...did you two have your collars mixed up?” Dallas replied.
“Never mind that, we don’t want you or mum and dad to be late,” Dolly replied as she and Dylan escorted her downstairs.
“Wait up, I packed your lunch, for being such an awesome dad and all!” Dylan said as he approached Doug with said kibble lunch in a paper bag. “You’re going to be fighting a lot of fires like you usually do, huh?” he said while exemplifying his enthusiasm towards firefighting by throwing air punches.
“Well, uh…I appreciate the enthusiasm and that you’ve done this for me for a change, but I wouldn’t say my job isn’t all that exciting when there isn’t many fires around,” Doug responded. “Perhaps it would be intensifying if we had to deal with a fire caused by a human’s dangerous baby gender reveal party, but we don’t get those here in London.”
“Yes, and since mum has been doing so much for us, I decided I would pack her lunch,” Dolly said as she gave the paper bag to Delilah. “By the way mum, you should make very sure to stay away from any kind of orchids you might run into at work, since I know you’re allergic to them.”
Delilah exchanged the same look of bewilderment that Doug expressed towards Dylan. She then chuckled and said to Dolly, “Why would I ever forget? I do appreciate your warning. However, I am wondering why you’re suddenly acting so…responsible.”
“What’s wrong with being responsible?” Dolly asked.
“For one thing, it’s being a big ol’ Captain Safety Pants,” Dylan teased. Dolly scowled in response.
“I do have an explanation, you see…” Deepak spoke, about to confess, until…
“Aliens have invaded our home and switched Dylan and Dolly’s brains without any of us noticing!” Dante interrupted, prattling on with another one of his crazy predictions. “They might have even disguised themselves, distracting us so they could then harvest all one hundred and one of our brains!”
“...Or, it’s just that, uh…it’s ‘Opposite Day,’ yeah, that’s it!” Dolly continued.
“Yes...let’s go with that,” Deepak said. That was a good save, he thought to himself.
“Even if today happens to be opposite day, today is also ‘Take Care of the Pups and the House While Your Parents Are at Work Day,’ said Doug. “So you all be good while we’re gone.”
“Sure, you can count on us!” Dylan said as he gave Dolly the tight bear-like hug the latter would usually give.
After Delilah and Doug headed off to their respective jobs, it wouldn’t be long before Triple D’s limo would arrive, with the two top dogs meeting them outside with their packed lunches.
“Oh look, your ride’s here!” Dolly said. “Here’s the lunches we’ve packed for you three, and I put and organized them in those neat little containers I know you girls like so much!”
“I thought Dylan is the one who does that,” Destiny remarked.
“Wait, what about the scrapbook I was working on? I need it while I’m at the studio,” said Dallas.
“I didn’t know you took interest in that,” Dolly continued, “but don’t worry, I’ll remind Dylan to send it to you. Take care of yourselves, all right?”
“Go out there and come back with a new awesome video, girls!” Dylan called out.
“If there’s ever an emergency, stop what you’re doing and call on us through the World Wide Woof,” Dolly added.
“And don’t forget to have fun!” Dylan added.
“And never end up getting yourselves involved with any sketchy or creepy fans that might try to interact with you. You have no idea how dangerous social media can be!” Dolly finished before the limousine had driven off.
“Okay, bro, it’s chore time, so chop-chop,” Dolly said as she and Dylan went back inside the house.
“Can it wait? The pups look like they want to play outside and get some fresh air,” Dylan responded.
“Fine...backyard, then chores,” Dolly muttered. “Just don’t do anything stupid, because I will have my eyes on you.”
Upon Dylan’s suggestion, the Dalmatian pups congregated to the backyard. Dylan would engage in playing with the pups by showing off tricks on the trampoline and with the ball launcher, all while Dolly settled underneath the treehouse to read a book about astrology and keeping a watchful eye on him in case her stepbrother, like she said, were to do something stupid. Dawkins was also settled next to the tree, writing down scientific inquiries on his notebook regarding Dylan and Dolly’s sudden change in behavior.
“Hey Dawkins, what are you doing?” Dolly asked. “Are you working on a new invention?”
“Oh no, it’s uh...nothing important,” Dawkins responded. “Shouldn’t you be the one playing with the pups?”
“Dylan’s got me covered, but now I have to watch him just like I have to watch the rest of the fam,” Dolly replied. “I’d seriously rather be going into space than have to keep my brother out of trouble on a regular basis.”
Dawkins gave out a small laugh and said, “That sounds just like something Dylan would say to me about you.”
“I’m still mad at him for what he did to me the past week, but for Deepak’s sake, we’ve been cooperating again so we could patch things up that way.”
“What did Dylan do?”
“You see-- ohhhhhh MY DOG, DYLAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?” Dolly’s explanation was cut short just as she saw Dylan on the trampoline, stacked up with at least over 70 of their younger siblings.
“Hey Dolly, did you know the world record for the most dogs on a single trampoline is 92?” Dylan said. “You should hop right in and help break that record for us!”
“No-no-no-no-no-no, NO! We’ve had this talk before about how dangerous this is the first time you- err, I did that!” Dolly cautioned. “If you don’t get them all off right now, we’re going to achieve the record for most dogs harmed on a single trampoline!”
“Whatever you say, sis,” said Dylan.
However, right afterwards, the mat of the trampoline came apart and fell. To Dolly’s relief, none of the pups were hurt due to the sustained weight of the mat minimizing the impact of the fall.
Dylan gave an innocent laugh and said, “I guess I was having a little too much fun, huh?”
Dolly groaned in frustration and said, “Now look what you’ve done. Now we’re gonna have to tell mum and dad we need them to buy us a new trampoline.”
“Relax, sis,” Dylan replied, “it’s no harm done. Even if we have to tell mum and dad about this, we’ll figure something out.” One of Dylan’s ears perked up when he noticed Clarissa’s presence from the other side of the fence. “Hold that thought, I had just come up with the funniest joke to tell our corgi neighbor!” He said with a mischievous grin and his tail wagging vigorously.
“You better not,” Dolly warned.
“Oh, Clarissa, have you heard of the one about the corgi who tried to climb to the top of the pawdicure sale display?” Dylan called out. “She couldn’t get a sale because she fell on one’s big, fat butt!” After saying the punchline, Dylan proceeded to laugh hard at his own joke (which, of course, baffled the pups since they know Dolly is usually the one who does so), while Dolly looked her stepbrother with dread and scorn.
“One’s got an over-sized hiney, do I!?” Clarissa growled. “Ruff-raff!”
“Dylan, now we’re in even bigger trouble than we already were!” Dolly nagged.
“It felt good to get that out of my system, didn’t it?” Dylan replied. “Okay, let’s find something else fun to do…”
“But I wanted to play this instead!”
“No way, Dee Dee, I think we should play that!”
Before Dylan and Dolly returned to their own topics, they caught an earful of Dizzy and Dee Dee in the middle of a sudden disagreement.
“If you’re going to be that way, then I guess I’ll have to find someone else to play frisbee with!”
“Fine, because I’m going to find somebody else to do tug-o-war with me!”
“Girls, girls, girls!” Dolly intervened. “What’s gotten into you two?”
“Yeah, don’t tell us you’re actually having a disagreement!” Dylan remarked.
“Do we have to?” Dizzy asked, taking Dylan’s words in a literal sense.
“We were just um...playing opposites day just like you are, yeah!” Dee Dee responded.
“The only dogs in this house playing opposites today are Dolly and I, so break it up.” Dylan replied.
“Just tell us what the fuss is all about. We know you two were genuinely upset about something,” said Dolly.
“I wanted to play frisbee but Dizzy wanted to play tug-o-war in that big mud puddle that appeared in Camden yesterday,” Dee Dee explained. “I just didn’t want her to get hurt.”
“Yeah and…I was afraid that I might throw the frisbee to far that I might not see Dee Dee again,” Dizzy added.
“Is that what they’re so worked up about?” Dylan inquired.
“Well, they are growing up after all and developing their own viewpoints, so it was bound to happen that they were gonna realize they wouldn’t want to do everything together,” Dolly informed.
“…Uh, hey, no big deal, huh?” Dylan uttered, trying to lighten up the mood. “You two shouldn’t be fighting though, that weirds us out.”
“But you and Dolly have been acting weird since this morning,” Dee Dee pointed out.
“Me and Dolly – weird!? We’re fine, everything’s fine!” Dylan said with sheer denial in his tone.
“As I was about to say, I can tell what kind of predicament you got yourselves into, and it’s that you both have different ideas to spend the day and you can’t agree with each other on what to do,” Dolly mused. “That’s okay because I know a remedy for that. We’ll just have to find something to do that we all can agree on, like um...we could all play Poodlewolf together!”
The majority of the pups groaned in annoyance while Dylan reacted with a very audible “Booo!”
“Dylan…do you have any bright ideas?” Dolly asked in a begrudging tone.
Before Dylan could answer, he and Dolly saw as Da Vinci raised a paw.
“Excuse me for interrupting, but I was just wondering if you could let me walk around Camden to paint,” Da Vinci suggested.
“Why of course you can do that,” Dylan approved.
“Hold it! If we are going to trust her to be a responsible dog who can navigate herself around Camden without any risk of danger...she has to have a chaperone,” Dolly pointed out.
“That doesn’t sound like a bad idea at all. Say, how about you have DJ-” Dylan was about to say before Da Vinci interrupted him.
“Delgado! ...I want Delgado to accompany me, please…”
“Delgado, can we trust you to keep Da Vinci safe?” Dolly asked the wheelchair-bound pup.
“Sure thing! I may not know a thing or two about art, but I will always be alert and keep my sister safe from harm!” Delgado said with a jubilant expression.
“Da Vinci, while you’re going to be out in Camden without our watchful eyes, there are a few things you should know and have ingrained into your mind, like if there’s an emergency, you call on us through the World Wide Woof-” Dolly informed.
“Come on, we’ve given Da Vinci this talk before and let her paint by herself numerous times, so she should be able to handle herself,” Dylan interrupted.
“After you-know-what almost happened to us one night, Da Vinci needs to take the extra precautions to know she needs to stay away from shifty people that are unknown to her, especially any kind of stranger that give off vibes similar to that one creepy human in particular.” Dolly said, referring to Cruella.
“She’ll be fine! She understands common sense as much as we do.”
“And for the love of dog, Da Vinci, you must never wander yourself into alleyways to paint. You don’t know how dangerous those places can be.”
“I understand all of that,” Da Vinci said solemnly.
“Good, we’ll come back for you and Delgado in say...two hours,” Dolly avowed.
After Da Vinci and Delgado headed outside the house, Dawkins uttered, “Since I already know I’m needed elsewhere, I’ll be staying here to make sure all of our household appliances and tools are functioning properly.”
“Why should you be doing any work when you can be spending the day relaxing?” Dylan asked.
“Why do you ask when you’re the dog who gives me the orders to work?” Dawkins pointed out.
“Dawkins, how about we give you the day off? I think you deserve it,” Dylan replied.
“Oh...are you actually being serious? This is the first time I’ve heard you say that. Well, if you say so, then I guess I’ll enjoy that day off.”
“Okay, so where were we? Oh yeah, I was going to think of something fun for us to do. Well…it’s been awhile since we’ve last gone to the skate park,” Dylan suggested, “and I would love to put my skills to the test on the ramps.”
“I thought skateboarding wasn’t your thing,” Dolly sneered.
“Yeah, but then it just occurred to me how cool it was,” Dylan replied. “What do you say to that, pups?”
The crowd of spotted puppies responded with a “Dylan, Dylan, Dylan…!” chant.
“By the way, Dolly, I’m going to need to borrow your skateboard,” Dylan added.
“No way, you’re using one of our spares, since you got your grubby paws on mine earlier,” Dolly sternly reaffirmed. “Because I’m the pro-skating dog of the fam, I’ll be leading the way.”
Shortly afterwards, the Dalmatians were in Camden Town, hanging out at their local skate ramps. Dylan gave himself the grand old opportunity to show off his new boost of confidence as he was able to pull off some of his tricks without falling off the board or being jittery or antsy as he usually was when on the ramps while the puppy crowd watched in awe and gave him praise after he landed his tricks with succession.
“I never thought Dylan could skate like that,” Dimitri 2 remarked.
“That’s because he didn’t,” Dolly pointed out. “He’s been learning from watching me do all those stunts, that’s why!”
“And when did Dolly get so lame all of a sudden?” Dimitri 3 teased, prompting a laugh from the other two Dimitris.
“Hey, basic skateboarding safety is not lame at all!” Dolly retorted as her body was shown to be covered up in several safety pads from her forelegs to her hind legs, along with her usual helmet.
“Sis does have a point, a little boost of confidence was all I needed to be good at skateboarding,” Dylan boasted.
“Well, I’m still a better boarder than Dylan, you all just watch and see!” Dolly said as she approached the ramps on her board. Suddenly, however, Dolly started feeling uneasy looking down at the ramps and then at her fore-paws touching the deck. Why am I freezing up like this? Dolly thought to herself. I know this is what I’m good at. Dylan would be quick to notice her stalling.
“Hey, what’s going on, sis? Is something wrong?” Dylan asked.
Feeling herself under pressure, Dolly just thought of something. “No, I’m fine. I just...thought of a new trick I’d thought I’d do. I call it “Walking on the Moon.” ...It’s a working title.”
“What’s so special about that?” Dimitri 1 questioned.
“Well...the main thing about this trick is I will be skating backwards,” Dolly continued.
“As dorky as it sounds, you got me feeling intrigued,” Dylan remarked.
Dolly then proceeded to perform her improvised trick by rolling her board in the backwards motion, while her back was laid on the deck and her legs did the peddling. Of course, Dylan and the all other pups didn’t look impressed with Dolly’s skating trick, but while Dolly continued without taking any notice of her surroundings, something, or rather someone, would catch Dylan’s eye.
“Dolly, look out!” Dylan called out.
“I’m not falling for that, bro,” Dolly responded.
“No, I mean you’re about to crash right into someone!” Dylan restated.
Right on cue, Dolly turned her head and saw as another dog on a skateboard was about to hastily crash into Dolly, causing the latter to be flung off her skateboard (while sustaining no injuries due to the amount of safety equipment she had donned). In an instant, Dolly’s eyes were met with the other dog – a Bernese Mountain Dog that appeared to be taller and older than she was. On the emblem of her collar spelled ‘Brooker,’ giving Dolly the impression that it was what the Bernese called herself.
“Um...can I help you?” Dolly asked upon being approached by the dog. “It was very rude of you to knock me off my board like that.”
“Oh, I’m sorry…” The Cockney-accented ‘Brooker’ spoke in a rather condescending tone, “Was I not allowed to skate here and you just had every right to hog up the skate park along with all those little punks of yours?”
“I don’t know who you are, but I’m not liking your attitude,” Dolly argued. “I’m Dolly Dalmatian, and mind you, that’s my fam you were talking about.”
Brooker gave a spiteful laugh and then replied, “Dolly, what kind of name is that, let alone for some goofy-footed dog that smells like an entire perfume shop? Did your mum give you that name?”
“Well yes...my mom with an ‘o,’ I mean. It’s certainly a better name than Brooker, I guess.”
“Oh, and speaking of you, Dollface, I see someone decided to bring their little dolly to the skate park…” Brooker continued as she turned her glance towards Dawkins and his Princess Positron doll.
Dawkins looked at the Bernese with bewilderment until she swiped his beloved toy from his paws without warning. Brooker playfully teased the pup as she held Princess Positron high up while Dawkins desperately jumped to reach it.
“Give back Princess Positron, you brute!” Dawkins cried out.
“What’s that, you want to save your alien princess from her enchanted space communications tower?” Brooker tormented as she inched herself nearer towards the street, looking as if she were ready to toss the space princess doll right in the middle of it. “Okay, dog, then go fetch!”
Even though he knew that his recently-repaired Princess Positron plush was indestructible, Dawkins still couldn’t help but gaze in horror as he saw Brooker throw it, but before he could see it get damaged again, Dolly jumped right in to retrieve it, holding in her maw before giving it back to her brother.
“What was that for!? Are you trying to get the pups hurt?” Dolly asked.
“Excuse me for getting a little carried away, I’ll get to the point – I want you and those twerps to shove off,” Brooker continued. “I’d like to skate here and you seem to be in my way.”
“I don’t mean to be rude, but we were here first and we’ll stay here for as long as we please, so I suggest you find another place to skate,” Dolly argued.
“I’m not going to sit here and take ‘no’ from the likes of you, sissy. I’m here to skate as I please too, and I don’t have time for you and your little babysitting service.”
“What the dog are you doing, Dolly? Tell her off!” Dimitri 3 called out.
“Why don’t you just...mind your own business?” Dolly argued towards the Bernese, her words beginning to feel less sharp in comparison to the Bernese’s.
“Wow, has anyone ever told you that your mouth is just as big as your ears?”
“Well, um...I think my ears are fine-”
“Fine, if you won’t leave, then I’ll just have to snap your crummy board in half. I mean, a poser like you wouldn’t have use for a deck with these used up stickers peeled off so sloppy, y’know what I mean?”
“My brother Dylan ripped them off earlier this morning…”
“Of course he would, and I think it’s because he hates you, right? Hey, that’s what you get for not looking after those dumb spoiled brats.”
“If you could just leave us alone…”
“Are you going to do something about that dog, Dylan?” Dimitri 2 asked.
Dolly now looked as if she was on the verge of tears while the Bernese continued to talk down to her and make imprudent comments about her siblings, while the rest of the Dalmatian family could only watch. Dylan, more-so, was growing furious over seeing his stepsister being cut down to size. The Dolly he knew would send her packing the instant she dared to insult her family.
…In fact, Dolly was the one who would give him a pick-me-up if he needed one, and that was when a certain memory was unlocked from his banks…
In the flashback, Dolly and Dylan were half the age they were now, with the young Dolly witnessing her stepbrother tossing his paw-made space helmet in the park’s rubbish bin.
“Bro, did you just throw away your space helmet?” The young Dolly asked. “You made that all by yourself! I thought you loved space so much.”
“Nah, it’s dumb. Space is dumb!” The young Dylan uttered.
“Where did that come from?” Dolly replied.
“Some dogs in the park were making fun of me…” Dylan sniveled, as his tone made it telling that someone had just made him cry earlier.
“You mean Clarissa and her friends? But they make fun of us all the time.”
“Yeah, but it was some other puppies that were giving me a hard time. They laughed at me and my space helmet and called me names like “Dog Cone Dylan,” “The Dog Who Ate His Pet Fish,” and-and… “Dylan The Freak From Another Planet”! I think everyone would like me better if I wasn’t so weird to them…”
“Um, Dyl, I know I make fun of you a lot for how weird you are, but I wouldn’t ask you stop doing what you liked, even if I find it super dorky-”
“How is that supposed to make me feel better?”
“Those mean puppies have no right to say any of those things about my bro! So they don’t like you for being weird, but that’s why I like you, Dylan. Besides, they just don’t know much of a weirdo your sister is!”
The young Dolly then proceeded to take a trash can, allowing herself to be covered in trash to make her point clear to Dylan (all without realizing a young Fergus was in there, who hollered “Oi, find your own dumpster!”). Seeing how silly Dolly looked with all the trash piled on her made Dylan lighten up and he laughed his tears away.
“You’re right, you really are weird!” Dylan laughed. “I’m so happy to have you as my sister!”
Back to the present times, Dylan grew more infuriated towards the Bernese as the sound of his growling progressively became more ferocious. The dog was just about to break Dolly’s skateboard as a last resort to force her and all of her siblings off the park, something in which Dylan couldn’t allow to happen.
“HEY YOU, YOU DIRTBAG! That’s my fam you’re picking a fight with, you jerk!” He snapped towards the Bernese.
The other Dalmatians, including Dolly, saw Dylan confronting the Bernese with collective shock. They’ve seen him mad numerous times, but not of the kind of caliber that he was now showing.
Dylan’s assertiveness managed to faze Brooker, though she maintained her bullying disposition and responded to Dolly’s angered sibling, “Oh goody, it looks I’ve upset Dollface’s brother. Be her knight in shining armor all you want, but I won’t move until you and all your brats do.”
Before Brooker thought she’d had overpowered him, Dylan now had his muzzle pushing against her’s in retaliation.
“Oh no, I think you’re the dog who should be leaving!” Dylan argued. “Never treat my sister or my family like that again, if you know what’s good for you!”
“What will you do? Tell your parents on me?” Brooker barked back.
“Oh, I don’t need to tattle on them, because I can think of many ways to run you out. In fact, if I didn’t have the lot of my younger brothers and sisters here, I would have a lot of vulgar things to say to you, so I’m just going to tell you this once – beat it. Because if you won’t…I’m sure you wouldn’t want something bad to happen to your board…”
Brooker gave a frustrated and defeated sigh, “This is so ridiculous. Fine, you can all stay in your dumb lot. All this childishness just because some dogs wouldn’t let me skate where I wanted...” She finished.
Dylan’s anger simmered down as he watched Brooker ride away from his sight on her skateboard. He sighed and then said, “What a pain in the butt. I don’t know who that dog was, but it looks like Clarissa has some competition now for the meanest dog in Camden.” Dylan turned over to Dolly, who was still visibly upset because of the dog. “Hey, are you feeling okay, sis?”
“We’re going back home,” Dolly intoned as she got back on her board with a sad look and her tail between her legs. “I’m not in the mood for skating now...”
“Hey, don’t let that dog get you down,” Dylan replied. “That’s what you would tell me if anyone ever bothered me.”
“I can fight my own battles, Dylan,” Dolly argued.
“Yeah, except you weren’t. You were about to let some random jerk break your treasured skateboard and I couldn’t let that happen.”
“Whatever…I just want to go home. I still have the long list of chores to do anyway…”
With the rest of the Dalmatians being forced to take Dolly’s command, they followed her back home where, of course, Dolly would be met with a pile of uncleaned dog bowls in the kitchen.
“Too bad for you, but I just don’t feel like doing chores, sis,” Dylan teased.
“Thanks Dylan, you’re very supportive,” Dolly responded sarcastically and moped towards the workload that she had been left with.
However, a spark of imagination came to Dolly as she held the spray head of the sink towards one of the dog bowls and gave it a blast of water. She could have some fun with these chores if she thought of herself of being anywhere except here – like Mars, she thought.
“Take that, you pile of scum! I won’t stop until every grimy being on Mount Dirtydishes is vanquished!” Dolly uttered. “Yeah…I think I can handle these chores that way.”
Meanwhile, in Triple D’s studio…
“Ugh, this has been…” said Destiny.
“...The most stressful first day back at work…” Dallas conitnued.
“...Ever!” Deja Vu finished.
“We were given so many commercial deals in a month and we had to shoot for three of them at once,” said Destiny, “and they all weren’t even good…”
“I kinda liked doing the one for the new dog shampoo product...well, except for the one take where it got all over my eyes,” Deja Vu remarked with a nervous laugh. “That sure was a blunder.”
“All those products we had to endorse, they felt so in poor taste.” Destiny continued. “The fur care products that had animal-derived ingredients attached to them, the insurance ad with a cat as their mascot who chases dogs around, those woolly sweaters made from actual sheep wool, that they make for pets…”
“Yeah, those things were itchy,” Deja Vu added.
“…They know what happened to us a month ago when some creepy human was about to make us into fur coats, right? That’s the worst time for us to be doing those endorsements! But we had to take time away from the studio, so we couldn’t say no to those ad deals. Plus, we had to do so many takes each time because Dallas wasn’t staying in sync with us most of the time and muttering about some scrapbook,” Destiny vented.
“Dylan and Dolly said they would send it over to me, and I’ve heard nothing about that since,” said Dallas.
“What’s the big deal about the scrapbook anyway?” Destiny questioned.
“Nothing! Uh...yeah, nothing super important,” Dallas equivocated. “I’ve just been too tired to do anything and scrapbooking is all that’s been on my mind lately.”
“Oh, I didn’t know you were into that sort of thing,” Deja Vu remarked. “It’s like when we just found out that you were into those “annie may” shows that Dylan and Dolly told us we weren’t old enough to watch, or that your biggest crush was that spiky-haired greyhound swordfighter from the Poodlewolf show.”
“And we agreed those were secret between us,” A visibly embarrassed Dallas replied.
“Don’t worry, I still haven’t made a peep...I think,” Deja Vu replied.
“Let’s not change the subject. Level with us. What’s bothering you?” Destiny asked. “What’s so important about a scrapbook that it’s gotten you unfocused from our ad shoots?”
“Destiny, Deja Vu, don’t be mad at me, okay?” Dallas replied. “It’s not just about the scrapbook. I’ve already dealt with some heavy stuff this morning that I don’t want to cause any drama between us too.”
“Huh, what do you mean? What’s going on?”
“Well...let me put it this way,” Dallas was saying. “Let’s just say I knew a guy and I knew another guy...and they’ve cared about each other for a long time but then both of those guys did something to upset each other, and they tried to make me cover for their mistakes, but I couldn’t bring myself to lie for them, and because of what I told them, that guy and the other guy could no longer talk to each other again, and it’s left me feeling stressed for a whole week.”
Destiny and Deja Vu were speechless. They were not sure what Dallas was implying until Destiny finally asked, “...It’s about Dylan and Dolly, isn’t it?”
Dallas let out an exasperated breath and explained, “Yes! It’s true, it is about them! They’ve been giving each other the silent treatment for a week, and I can’t help but feel like I’m the one to blame for it because they both told me to lie for them and well…I had to tell the truth to Dylan that Dolly broke his telescope and I had to tell Dolly that Dylan faked sick to skip watching a sports game, and so they got really mad. And just this morning they got uh…aggressive. I was up early so I could start making my scrapbook for them as a surprise. We haven’t shown them how much they really mean to us yet, even after what happened to all of us that one night, so I thought why not start now?”
“Don’t worry, we’ve heard you, so we can’t be mad at you,” said Destiny. “Besides, we’re Triple D, and we must always have each other’s backs.”
“This calls for our special triplet hug!” Deja Vu uttered, and so she and Destiny promptly showed their compassion by joining Dallas into their group hug.
“You girls can be too much sometimes, but thank you, I really needed this,” said Dallas.
Dolly proceeded to do the rest of the house chores up until everything was done, and until she was at the point of exhaustion. Even with the dorky personality of Dylan’s she had acquired, vacuuming and cleaning the house, and as well as collecting trash to put into the garbage bins all felt like a hassle since she’s barely ever done the things that her stepbrother usually did. Then there was the pooper scoopers, the less said about that chore, the better, she’d think to herself.
The last of the chores involved Dolly putting a pile of the Dalmatian family’s dirty laundry into the washer and getting the dishwasher ready to deep clean the kitchenware, both of which Dolly also had little experience with, but decided to wing it. Dolly put all the laundry in the washer at once and used as much detergent that she felt was needed. She was also serious about cleaning the bowls and filled up the cap with plenty of soap. It was the least she could do to prove her stubborn brother she’s better off without his help. After Dolly had slunk over from all the hard work she’s finished, Dylan couldn’t help but rub it in…
“Tough break, huh?” Dylan teased.
“I would’ve appreciated it if I had gotten your help,” Dolly said with condescension in her tone, “but as it seemed, you had your paws full.”
“I guess I should say thanks for having all that work handled for me,” Dylan replied.
“By the way Dylan, shouldn’t you be picking up Da Vinci and Delgado?” Dolly inquired. “It’s been at least two hours since we’ve let them walk around Camden.”
“Oh my dog, that’s right, thanks for reminding me, sis!” Dylan said as he was now about to head back outside. “Just don’t worry your little head about me, they’ll be back in a few minutes flat!”
Dolly, still lying down on the floor, mused over what she should do to kill the rest of her time, wanting to reward herself from the hard work she was forced to do.
That was when she witnessed Dawkins climbing down the stairs with his toolbox held in his muzzle. Dolly would block Dawkins’s path to the laundry room in order to get his attention.
“Hey Dawkins, you know what would sound good right about now? One game of Poodlewolf, with the two of us!” Dolly said.
Dawkins set down his toolbox, shook his head, and said to his sister, “No can do, this is the time of day in which I perform routine maintenance for all the gadgets and appliances around the house.”
“What? But Dylan said that you could have the day off!” Dolly replied with disbelief.
“Yes, he did say that, and now you’re telling me that you want to play Poodlewolf?” Dawkins pointed out. “If you’re still playing along this whole opposite day thing, you can stop now.”
“But I am being serious! It’s Poodlewolf – the heroic and harrowing adventures of derring-do of the half-wolf & half-dog breed – whose mother is a savage wolf and whose father is a mild-mannered salon poodle. I mean, what’s not to love?”
“I’m sorry to discourage your sudden interest in Poodlewolf, this is a bigger priority. Besides, even if I’ve been given the free day from doing work, fixing and maintaining these commodities is something I consider as a personal hobby of mine.”
“Okay, you can go on and do your thing...or in exchange of letting me play Poodlewolf, I’ll give you...this!” Dolly then held out a screwdriver and showed it in front of the inventor pup.
There was something about the screwdriver that caught Dawkins’ eyes. “Is that the latest model of the Chiswicks multipurpose screwdriver with enhanced durability? I’ve needed one of those. In fact, I wanted one of those!”
“Yeah...that’s exactly what it is. Dylan and I were going to wait until something special came up to give you this, but if you want it, you already know there’s one thing you need to do for me,” Dolly said while waving the screwdriver around while Dawkins’ eyes followed it as if it were a dog treat. “Follow me all the way to the treehouse and it’s yours!”
Dawkins did as directed and once after Dolly threw the screwdriver inside the treehouse for him to catch, he already knew what he had brought himself into. He was now inside the treehouse along with Dolly – and with the Poodlewolf board all set up.
Dawkins sighed and then said to Dolly, “Oh kibbles. I don’t know what’s up with you, Dolly. I just do not want to play at all. I’ve already had my emotions toyed with twice in one day – first from that Bernese bully, and now from you.”
“If it would make you feel better, you can keep the screwdriver.” Dolly reassured. “I did this so we could have fun together.”
Seeing that he had no other choice than to acquiesce to Dolly’s request, Dawkins replied, “You get one hour, or at least until I’m alerted by my fixing senses.”
“Your what now? Anyways, I already know who I want to be,” Dolly said as she grabbed the game piece resembling Poodewolf.
“Since you’re still inexperienced, you’ll start all the way from level one with that piece, and we are going to need one more player to guide you,” Dawkins informed.
To her convenience, Dolly peered over to see Fergus’s head poking out from across the fences.
“Oh hey, what’s this I see? Dolly playing Poodlewolf?” Fergus jested. “You both could’ve told me in advance that you two were doing a session.”
“That’s because this happened all out of the blue and out of my jurisdiction,” Dawkins explained.
“Come on and join us, Fergus!” Dolly called out.
Fergus agreed and entered the treehouse to meet with the two Dalmatians for their surprise Poodlewolf session.
“In Dolly’s case, we should go over the main rules of-” Dawkins spoke before Dolly stopped him.
“That’s right, the rules, otherwise the utmost important thing to go over!” Dolly interrupted. “I’ll give myself the time to skim through them all and then we can start!”
“And to think that Dyl is usually the one who gets worked up explaining the rules of Poodlewolf,” Fergus remarked towards Dawkins. “Your sister sure is acting like she got beaned in the head by something, would you agree?”
“As a dog of science, I don’t think I have a logical explanation for this,” Dawkins deadpanned.
While Dolly was in the middle of her Poodlewolf session with Dawkins and Fergus, Delgado and Da Vinci were waiting for Dylan to come back for them. Delgado paced around while Da Vinci was shown to be working obsessively on her mural painting, muttering to herself over how some sections looked off-putting, or how she feels she didn’t use the right color for a particular portion of the painting.
“You know, I was looking at the church tower clock, and I think it has been a little over two hours,” Delgado said directly to Da Vinci, whose eye contact remained towards her painting. “Do you think Dylan or Dolly know that we’re waiting for them?”
“Ugh...no matter how I paint this, there’s just something about it that doesn’t look right,” Da Vinci uttered.
“Come on, this is boring! Can I see what you’ve been working on?” Delgado continued as he zoomed about. Da Vinci had a piece of tarp covering the mural and herself, preventing the wheelchair-bound Dalmatian from seeing it.
“It’s a...personal project,” Da Vinci informed.
“Okay, I guess I’ll just idle by here and...do nothing like I’m being forced to,” Delgado equivocated. With Da Vinci paying no mind to him, Delgado came right in front of the moral and gave the painting Dalmatian a jump with the simple exclamation of “Sneak attack!”
The startling made Da Vinci pull her tarp and blanket her on the spot. The mural painting revealed itself in front of Delgado, who saw what appeared to be a painting of two volcanoes, erupting with lava. The painting of the crags had muzzle-shaped cavities that made them look like they were yelling at each other. The crag painted on the left had one specific detail that Delgado found familiar, as it was shown to have a smoke ring shaped like headphones.
“Hey, is that supposed to be you and DJ?” Delgado questioned.
“NO!” Da Vinci immediately exclaimed, uncovering herself from the tarp. She tried to say something, but began feeling tongue tied as she already knew she couldn’t twist anything about what she created. “I don’t want anyone else to see it…”
“Hey, we can just forget about it, okay? I’m sorry for the way I’ve jumped you,” said Delgado. “I also tend to be pretty forgetful, so I won’t let this slip…”
“Thanks, I guess…”
“Since they still haven’t come back, can I ask you about Dylan and Dolly?” Da Vinci was hesitant before Delgado clarified, “I mean, it’s not about your painting at all. You have been noticing unusual behavior from them, right? I know how Dante is, but it has been starting to sound like aliens might’ve switched their brains...or come to think of it, more like if they tried to disguise as them but got them mixed up.”
“Well, if they’re not the real Dylan and Dolly, then where are they?” Da Vinci replied. “When I woke up this morning, I could’ve sworn I’ve heard those two fighting over something…?”
“Oh look, Dylan’s here!” Delgado said excitedly, before he could continue the conversation revolving around him and his stepsister, not before turning his excitement into doubt and welcoming his eldest brother with an unexpected inquiry: “Stop right there, faker! Who do you think you are, and did you do anything to the real Dylan!?”
Dylan exchanged an innocent scoff and responded, “Are you two doing a bit on something that I don’t know about? My overbearing sister had me come back to get you two, so here I am, just same-old, same-old Dylan.”
“If he still thinks we trust him, then maybe he’ll take us to his secret hideout,” Delgado whispered to Da Vinci, who still wasn’t following his conjecture.
“So, did you two have any fun?” Dylan asked.
Delgado and Da Vinci gave a ‘yes’ sort of gesture, while exchanging sheepish looks towards him.
Dylan would then take notice of the mural Da Vinci painted and remarked, “Is that a new painting, Da Vinci? Oh, uh…I think I’ve heard the saying about how art imitates life, but-”
Without warning, Da Vinci obscured the artwork with an all-around splatter of black paint.
“Oh dear, I’ve spilled paint all over my own work,” Da Vinci equivocated. “I guess there’s nothing left for me to do except go back home.”
“Are you feeling okay, Da Vinci? It’s not like you to censor your own art like that,” Dylan remarked.
Before Dylan could proceed to lead his two siblings the way back to 101 Dalmatian Street, however, a certain smell had caught his attention.
“Hmm, something smells really good and my sense of smell is telling me to follow it.” Dylan said. “It smells like smoked bangers, I bet!”
“Are you sure?” Da Vinci asked. “What about taking us home?”
“Yeah, the real Dylan wouldn’t be distracted over something like that!” Delgado doubted.
“From what I can sense...I think that smell is coming from an alley nearby…” Da Vinci warned. “Wait, you shouldn’t be going into those places!”
“Who said that?” Dylan asked.
“Dolly told us that!”
“Oh yeah…” Dylan stepped on the deck of his skateboard he brought with and then told the two Dalmatians, “It will just be a quick sidetrack and I’ll come back for you both, so you’ll just have to hang tight for a little bit longer.”
Before either Delgado or Da Vinci could give him any precautions, he was already set on his own path with his sense of smell, prompting for the two Dalmatians siblings to follow right behind him.
“Come on, Da Vinci! We have to follow Dylan so we can know what’s going on,” said Delgado.
“I’m not so sure about stumbling into someplace dangerous, but since this is about our brother, I don’t have any other choice,” Da Vinci responded.
“All engines are revved up!” Delgado said before speeding his way towards Dylan’s tracks, with Da Vinci trying desperately to keep up.
As Dylan purported, he came up to a back-alley when he saw the source of the scent and there it lied in front of him, as he purported – a chain of smoked banger links. Before Dylan could savor a piece of the suspiciously placed foodstuff, he felt something in his system – in other words, his allergies beginning to act up. Unknownst to him, (but as Da Vinci and Delgado could see, both in hiding) there was a clowder of cats waiting on from above for their prey. More of them appeared from their hiding spots with every few passing seconds. Seeing them jump down and congregate in front of him paralyzed Dylan with fear.
“I don’t know why all those cats are meeting with him for, but if Dylan’s cat allergy sets in, then that means…” Delgado said in a low voice.
“...He’s the real thing?” Da Vinci finished.
“AAAH-CHOO, darn allergies…ACHOO…you think I’m afraid of some cat….ACHOO...well, come and get me, I got what I came here for...eugh!” Dylan spoke in-between his sneezes.
“Oi, some dog actually took our bait!” One of the alley cats called out.
“We snagged a Dalmatian, it sure looks like!” Another cat spoke.
“Yeah, we found one of our targets!” Uttered another alley cat.
Delgado came to the complete realization there was nothing deceptive about Dylan, and he knew they weren’t supposed to be there. Da Vinci had the same look of dread that her wheelchair-bound brother had, and then they bailed. While they had the chance to flee the scene without notice, the alley cats heard a squeak coming from one of Delgado’s wheels. When the cats diverted their attention from Dylan, who was now trying to call for help, the two witnesses of their trap had escaped before they could be seen.
“What was that noise?” One of the alley cats asked.
“That’s not relevant,” the supposed leader of the group spoke.
It was a mackerel tabby with scars encompassing his body, as he stood right on top of Dylan and rubbing his fur against his along with the other alley cats to torment him. Dylan’s white and black-spotted fur was now developing a red rash from the prolonged exposure to his allergy.
“This dog is apparently allergic to our kind, so let’s see how long he lasts…” The striped tabby tormented.
After Delgado and Da Vinci had ran out of the back-alley, their immediate course of action was to use the World Wide Woof to alert the other dogs in Camden of Dylan being in peril. Just before Dolly could hear the warning, she was still in the middle of her Poodlewolf session with Dawkins and Fergus. They were forty minutes into the session when Dawkins’ “fixing senses” made his body fidget frantically.
“Woo-hoo, level three, and that was only after bringing back the lost golden kibble treasure, solving the riddle of the bald Beagle, and successfully escorting the fair maiden of Catterbury, all while I’ve upgraded Poodlewolf’s sword into Excalibark!” Dolly said. “Let’s keep this going, because I think I’m getting the hang of this!”
“I must say, you’re doing very well for someone who would give up and let their character die off in the first few dice rolls,” Fergus remarked.
“Dolly, my fixing senses have been making me feel quite fretful since the last ten minutes, as it’s telling me there’s something in the house that seriously needs to be tended to, so I’m afraid we’ll have to stop right here!” Dawkins spoke up frantically.
“So that’s why you looked like you needed to use the lamppost?” Dolly asked. “I don’t understand. Unless Dante caused a panic, what could be going wrong in the house right now?”
On cue, the lot of the Dalmatian pups entered inside the backyard to bark out an emergency to Dolly and Dawkins.
“Dolly, the house is flooding!” One of the pups cried out.
Dolly’s and Dawkins’s eyes widened.
“Oh kibbles…” Dawkins sighed.
“Huh, what do you mean the house is flooding!?” Dolly questioned.
The sudden commotion prompted for Dolly and Dawkins to exit the backyard and enter inside to see the damage. Not only was the first floor filling up with water, but with suds as well. They could also see that not all the puppies were escorted outside and were floating on pieces of furniture.
“What did you do!?” Dawkins exclaimed towards Dolly.
“I don’t know how this happened, I was trying to be the most responsible sibling by doing all the housework, since Dylan didn’t want to do it!” Dolly explained.
“Did you overfill the dishwater with soap?” Dawkins inquired. Seeing how he had the keen sense of troubleshooting these sort of issues, Dolly could gesture him with a nod. “Did you overload the washer with laundry and soap?” Dolly once again nodded in response to confirm that the flooding was her mistake.
“You can just fix all of this, right?” Dolly asked.
“I left my toolbox on the ground, but I don’t think I’d have the stamina to search for it with all this water!” Dawkins responded.
“No problem, because if you can’t fix them, then I will!” Dolly replied.
“Good call, but I think we should consider temporarily turning off the power in the house before we fix anything. We’ll also need Dylan’s assistance, given you don’t know how to work these commodities.”
“Relax, bro, I got this. If these things are still running, I can just turn them off manually, right? I don’t need Dylan’s help!”
Dolly then paddled over to where the washing machine was alongside Dawkins and tried to turn the handle with her paw, but before Dawkins could warn her that she was turning the knob the wrong way, it snapped off. Dawkins and Dolly looked at each other with panic.
“Yeah...I need Dylan. But let’s get all the puppies to safety first.”
After some hassle, Dolly and Dawkins escorted the rest of their siblings out of the house and into the backyard.
“88, 89, 90, 91…looks like we’re missing a few.” Dolly said while doing the head count. “Triple D are still at the studio, and that leaves Dylan, Da Vinci, and Delgado. Dylan should be back with those two by now. Where are they anyway?”
On cue, Dolly lifted one of her ears to hear the message being transmitted by the World Wide Woof. Her eyes went wider than they did before when she was alerted about the flooding. She would then see Da Vinci and Delgado running back to repeat the news for them.
“Dylan is in danger! He got lured into an alley filled of cats!” Da Vinci informed. “We escaped before they could do anything us!”
In typical Dylan fashion, Dolly went into panic mode and began pacing around.
“Oh my dog, oh my dog, oh my dog, the house is flooding, and now my brother is in serious danger!” Dolly panicked. “Why must all of this happen now, and today of all days when you’re supposed to be spending your time trying to make things up with Dylan? Stop talking to yourself, Dolly, you need to come up with a plan to fix all this mess, now! You’re the one responsible for this disaster. For now, you have to be the fam’s most responsible sibling. Okay, so I got to rescue Dylan, get him to help save our home from flooding, tell him you’re sorry for everything that happened, and we can forget this whole thing ever happened all before mum and dad are home. Yeah...that sounds like the plan.”
“We got to save Dylan, quick! I don’t know if he’ll handle so many cats for that long,” said Delgado.
“Fergus, we’re going to need your help to save Dylan. Since Delgado knows where he was, you’ll have to take his lead,” Dolly instructed.
“All right, rescue the D-dawg, I hear ya,” Fergus responded.
“I’m going out there too, but there’s one thing I need to do real quick...” Dolly continued and proceeded to reenter the flooded house to swim her way upstairs to where Delilah’s medicine drawer was. There, she opened up one of the doors to grab a hypodermic meant for Dylan’s cat allergy.
“Yep, right where I remembered it,” Dolly said to herself and came back outside with her skateboard and with Dylan’s medication.
“Isn’t that only for emergencies?” Dawkins asked. “Dylan hadn’t needed that since he was half his age.”
“Yes, just in case, that’s exactly why I’m bringing this to him,” said Dolly.
“Dolly, I would like to come with you. Knowing this involves cats, I could try to reason with them,” Deepak proposed.
“If you say so,” Dolly responded as she strapped on a helmet for herself and for the yoga pup.
As Dolly and Deepak were making their way to where the alley cats had trapped Dylan, Delgado stood by to use his agility to distract the clowder of cats while Fergus retreated to guide Dolly and Deepak to the precise location. When they made it there, Dolly saw her brother Dylan, his rash developed further across his coat and he appeared to be short on breath and couldn’t move. In addition, the cats got a hold of Delgado, who was flailing his body around by his captor.
“They got me, Dolly! I thought I would be too fast for them,” said Delgado.
“Let my brothers go, and none of you will get hurt!” Dolly demanded.
“As one of his most devoted scholars, I have come here on Guru Miaow’s behalf to advise a cease to all hostility that has been dealt to my family. Treat other species the way you would want to be treated and Miaow will see you’ve made the right choice,” Deepak said to the group of alley cats. They all laughed in tandem after hearing his plea.
“Get a load of this pup, he thinks we believe in that Guru Miaow hogwash!” One of the alley cats remarked.
“You want us to leave your family alone, innit right? We were just about to leave anyway,” the striped tabby said, “But of course, we just wanted to see what would happen if we popped the wheels off this dog…”
Once the striped tabby held his claws closer to Delgado’s wheels, Fergus jumped right in front of the alley cats and behind Dylan, growling in retaliation and motioning for Dolly to save her brother. While the cats showed no fear towards the Dalmatians, Fergus’s presence made them feel tensed up.
“Aw blimey, they got a fox!” One of the alley cats spoke. “We ought to split, Macabre, he means trouble.”
“Are you really all freezing up over some vermin?” The presumably-named leader, Macabre scowled. “We have one of our targets, no use letting them go, unless you all want to be a bunch of cowards!”
“I’ve heard the dogs have this thing called the World Wide Woof. We should go before the police horses find and corner us,” one of the alley cats suggested.
“Fine, you dogs are safe, for now…” Macabre finished, and then he and the rest of his group scattered away from the back-alley.
“Thank you so much, Fergus! I don’t know what we’d do without you,” said Dolly.
“You sure can count on me as your beck and call now, whenever you and your D-dogs are in grave danger,” Fergus remarked. “Since this is a matter with the fam, I guess I’ll just leave the rest up to you.”
With Delgado freed, he rejoined Dolly and Deepak, the former in which looked at Dylan with devastation over the state the alley cats had left him in. She knew much how Dylan treated safety as his number one priority. She knew he wouldn’t have put himself in such a risky situation unless it meant protecting his younger siblings. Dolly showed no hesitation as she attached the hypodermic to his arm. While this happened, a core memory played into Dolly’s mind…
“Ahhhhh, it hurts, it hurts!” Whined a young Dolly, both her front paws clenching towards a scrape on her right hind leg.
To Dolly’s side was her skateboard (which seemed to be rather too big for her age during this time), and so much for her luck, Dylan with a medical kit, and he looked as though he just came back to fetch it.
“No need to fear, nurse Dylan is here for your diag-noses,” said the young Dylan. “If I had to make a guess, you got that owie from falling off your skateboard.”
“Are you going to help me or not!?” Young Dolly uttered.
“Sorry, just wanted to humor you with a bit while I bandage your leg,” young Dylan continued while he had his medical supplies laid out. “Just a warning, I’m applying some disinfectant, so it’s going to sting…”
Dolly hissed at Dylan the instant he sprayed the affected area, to which he then said, “I told you it was going to sting.” Dolly continued to wince in pain while Dylan kept on operating the wound by cleaning it with hydrogen peroxide, using cottons to dry it, and then finally wrapping gauze all around it. Dolly got up and limped around, but the pain had reduced, and she knew what she needed to say right then and there…
“Dyl, I don’t think I ever said this to you enough, but...thanks,” said Dolly. “You don’t know how very thankful I feel right now to have you.”
“I’ve been trying to tell you to be careful!” Dylan nagged. “I told you minutes ago and then I come back to see that you got hurt! You should be thankful too that mum is a nurse.”
Dolly sighed and then said, “Now I’m worried that our parents won’t let me skate again.”
“At least you wore your helmet. We could ask mum and dad to get you safety pads...and maybe a smaller board.”
“I’ll grow into it,” Dolly huffed.
While Dolly dreaded the moment that Dylan was going to have to explain to Delilah and Doug what happened, that feeling faded when he then reassured to her, “I’ll tell them that you took a tumble – and that it had nothing to with the skateboard...and I only brought it so I could take us home with it. I ‘spose it would be faster that way.”
Dolly couldn’t help but smile back at her brother as her tears caused by her scrape had all dried away. Dylan stepped onto the deck of her board with his helmet, prompting for her plant herself right behind him so he could pass her helmet to her.
“All right, Nurse Safety-Pants, lead the way!”
“OH MY DOG!” Dylan gasped, as the medication revitalized his senses and removed most of the congestion. Seeing her brother back in good health, Dolly instinctively and immediately hugged him. “What’s going on? The last thing I remembered, I came across some bangers, and then, right in front of me, there were a bunch of cats and….ohhhh nooooo…”
“So that’s why you fell for their trap,” said Dolly. “I’m so happy to see you’re okay. This is a really bad time, but there’s another reason why I had to come find you.”
“Huh, what is it?” Dylan asked.
“I….flooded the house,” Dolly answered sheepishly.
Right away, Dylan didn’t believe her and laughed it off. “I don’t know what you’re trying to pull, but you got me good on that one.”
“I’m being serious Dylan! I’ll show you on the way back home!”
Dolly rode her skateboard back to 101 Dalmatian Street with Dylan and Deepak riding and Delgado tagging along. Once they reached their destination, they saw Triple D had returned from work as their limo dropped them off. Dolly hurriedly stood in the way of the paw print scanner.
“Don’t go in just yet, there’s a lot we need to explain!” Dolly cautioned.
“What’s going on between you and Dylan?” Destiny asked.
“Where’s my scrapbook!?” Dallas pleaded.
“How DO they make fuzzy slippers so fuzzy?” Deja Vu uttered.
When Dallas mentioned the scrapbook, Dolly slapped one of her forelegs to her head and said, “Oh shoot, the scrapbook, I forgot all about that! Never mind anything else, ‘cause I don’t think any of you will be prepared to find out what happened while you were away.”
“Dolly said she flooded the house,” Dylan blurted out, to which Dolly shot a dirty look at him for.
Dolly turned back to Triple D and sighed, “Yes, I’ve done it, but I was trying to be responsible.” To show that she wasn’t lying, she pressed her paw on the scanner and opened the door slightly for some of the water to stream out before closing it. “I’ve escorted all the other pups outside in the yard, and now we have to clean all this up,” Dolly explained, “and Dylan has to help.”
“What? You said this was your mess!” Dylan argued.
“You’re the only dog in our fam who can help!” Dolly asserted. “Now let’s go in before everything in the house is underwater!”
“Could you bring me my scrapbook while you’re at it, since it’s inside?” Dallas requested.
“I don’t know what’s so important about it, but we’ll do that,” Dylan assured. “Even though we may have forgotten about it the first time, we’ll remember now.”
Delgado, get these pups to the yard while we take care of business,” Dolly instructed.
Deepak, however, hesitated. “I must stay, there’s something you should know about your current situations, because I’m the only dog who can still help you two settle your differences!” He invoked.
Dylan and Dolly reentered the house, preparing themselves for the damage. The first floor of the home was now one-thirds flooded. Deepak doggy paddled his way up to the staircase and watched Dylan and Dolly from below struggling to come up with a plan.
“In case you two have forgotten, I had you both perform one of Miaow’s mindfulness methods by switching your personalities,” Deepak informed. “If there’s a time where you two have to put an end to that enchantment, you should do it now!”
“Yeah, we hear you. We just got to deal with this bigger issue first,” Dolly responded. “Dawkins left his toolbox somewhere around here, so we just got to find that and- UGH!”
To Dolly’s misfortune, she tripped over what would be Dawkins’s toolbox and flopped down on it before picking herself back up from under the soap-filled water.
“I think I found it,” Dolly groaned as she held and pulled it up with her muzzle. However, upon taking another step, she would feel pain in one of her hind legs. “Oh man…I think I sprained one of my legs.”
“Come on, this is the worst time for that to happen!” Dylan remarked. “You’ll have to walk it off.”
“Fine, if there’s anything we should start with, it’s the dishwasher,” Dolly suggested.
“And the washing machine...?” Dylan asked.
“I broke the handle – guilty as charged.”
“Shouldn’t we turn off the power in the house?”
“It’s going to be dark pretty soon, so I don’t know if we could chance it. Besides, you know more about handling these things than I do.”
Dylan sighed in frustration and opened up the bowl-filled dishwasher. Because of how heavy the trays were when they appeared full, Dylan had some hassle moving them out of the way before Dolly insisted to help out. Dylan then removed the filter to see that that the dishwasher’s drain line was apparently clogged (and because the overflow caused a leak inside the dishwasher, they weren’t able to turn it off). Dylan then took the liberty of pulling out the underside to show the appliance’s mechanisms underneath, deciding that the issue of their leaking dishwasher would be there.
“Dolly, pass me a screwdriver,” Dylan instructed.
Dolly did as asked and Dylan started his attempt to disconnect the discharge tube, which proved to be a hassle as he had to do it while underwater. After some struggling, the screwdriver would then slip from Dylan’s paw and floated right underneath the very tight spot he tried to work through. Dylan slammed his paws in the overflowing water with a forceful splash and stopped due to his impatience.
“That’s it, I give up,” Dylan uttered. “I know Deepak meant well, but this is not working out.”
“Dylan!” Dolly nagged.
“I’m sorry, but who was the one who flooded the house again?” Dylan heckled. “I know you’re trying to help, but you’re really not helping!”
“You’re right, I don’t need to help you, just like how I didn’t need you to help me with that dog who gave me a hard time,” Dolly retorted, referring to her previous encounter with Brooker.
“Oh, so this is the thanks I get after you saved my butt from my cat allergy? You know, come to think of it, maybe I’m better off without you if you’re the reason that I end up in these sorts of messes!”
“What!? In case you’ve forgotten, bro, I’m the one who’s trying to be responsible, but if you’re going to be that way, then I guess I’m better off without you too!”
Deepak could only watch as tension rose between Dylan and Dolly. He couldn’t tell anymore if the enchantment of Guru Miaow was in effect when it came to their sibling banter, or if they snapped back to their true selves at that instant. It felt just like the mural Da Vinci painted earlier of DJ and herself – like two volcanoes waiting to erupt. The arguing then turned to angry growling, and knowing it to be a sign of things getting ugly, Deepak knew there was only one thing he could do at that given moment – cry.
Dylan and Dolly’s resentful feelings had forcibly quelled upon hearing Deepak crying up to the second floor before making his way to the backyard through one of the tunnels. Dylan and Dolly then looked at one another with an intense feeling of guilt while, what appeared to Dallas’ work-in-progress scrapbook, floated idly by in the flood. When they opened it up, they saw a few crayon drawings that were too faded to make out what they were supposed to represent before recognizing the colors of their own collars and the shapes of their own bodies. Finally, that was when they realized something was off and they owed their younger siblings an explanation.
“Oh, so that explains it, but I never thought it'd be scientifically possible…” Dylan and Dolly could hear Dawkins say towards Deepak. He must have already explained everything, they thought.
The two eldest Dalmatian siblings came back outside where the others were waiting and apologetically gave Dallas back her washed-up scrapbook.
“No...it’s ruined.” Dallas sobbed. Before Dylan and Dolly could speak, she ran and climbed up the treehouse, leading up to Destiny and Deja Vu to do the same to comfort their triplet.
“...Give us a minute with Triple D,” Dolly said to the puppy crowd.
Dylan and Dolly came up from the hatch in the treehouse and saw Dallas huddled in front of Destiny and Deja Vu the middle.
“Dallas, are you feeling okay?” Dylan asked.
“It’s been bothering her since earlier today,” Destiny spoke.
“We don’t know how to explain it but I think you two did something to make her upset and um…” Deja Vu spoke.
“Of course I’m not feeling okay, not when you two aren’t okay yourselves!” When Dallas gave herself the chance to speak, the top dogs were stunned to silence as they saw as she began to ugly-cry all her feelings out. “I had to tell you both what you did to each other last week, but because of that I’ve been feeling so stressed and it made me feel like it’s my fault you’re mad at each other, and it’s my fault you fought earlier this morning! That scrapbook I was working on, I was making it for you two, but now our house is flooding and there isn’t anything I can do about it!”
Dallas continued to sob while Destiny and Deja Vu remained where they were to comfort their fellow triplet. Dylan and Dolly decided to leave them be, before they could be confronted by all of their other younger siblings.
“Dylan, Dolly, is opposites day over yet?” Dizzy spoke.
“Are you going to stop the house from getting all wet?” Dee Dee asked.
The two eldest siblings looked amid the group of Dalmatian pups. Deepak appeared the saddest of them all, having arranged from them to be influenced by of one of Guru Miaow’s practices to help them, and now having witnessed their very previous squabble, as if his endeavor was all for naught.
“I thought using the arts of Guru Miaow could help your situation, but it seems as though it’s only made things worse,” Deepak sobbed. “I’m so sorry.”
“Pups…there’s something you all should know,” Dolly spoke. “Last week, Dylan and I...we both did something to each other that made us upset.”
“We fought earlier this morning, and we fought over nothing in particular,” Dylan elaborated.
“Yes, nothing in particular that was ever worth straining a sibling relationship over,” Dolly continued. “So we came to Deepak and we agreed to have our lives flipped around for the day so we could try to understand each other better.”
“We were a little in too deep from that session that we didn’t fully realize that we weren’t acting like ourselves until now,” Dylan added, “and we didn’t think how much this was affecting you all.”
“What we’re trying to say is that we owe an apology to Deepak and also to Dallas, because this whole situation is our faults, not theirs,” Dolly continued. “But…there’s one dog I really owe an apology to the most – and that’s my brother Dylan.”
“Yeah, and I owe one to my sis, too,” Dylan added.
“Well, now I finally know that it wasn’t some dangerous or mysterious force had made you two act so oddly, so that’s good to hear,” Dante said in a solemn tone before continuing in his usual disposition, “but are you forgetting that our entire house is going to be engulfed in a flood that’ll bring about the most harrowing apocalypse of our lives if you don’t do anything to stop it!?”
“Relax, we are going to take care of it,” Dolly reassured. “Just give me and Dylan a moment to talk in private.”
“Come on, we don’t have time for this-” Dylan said before his stepsister took him by the paw and brought him to the far left corner of the backyard.
“Dylan, I know you must still be mad at me and you don’t want to cooperate, but we have to fix this – together,” said Dolly. “I’ve learned a lot not just from today, but from that night Cruella threatened our family about being a responsible sibling. I felt like I was in such a hurry to be a more responsible big sister figure than I ever was to the pups that I tried to force a return to normalcy. If there’s definitely something I learned today though, it’s that I can never be used to being the most serious sibling, you know what I mean?”
“I’ve been feeling the same thing,” Dylan responded, “except Cruella’s return had a different effect on me. I got so carried away with ensuring the safety of everyone in the fam that I couldn’t make a conscious effort to help in the way you would. With all honesty, I don’t regret having to borrow that Dolly brain of yours, now that I know what it feels like to be the fun sibling for once. It’s funny how I want to go back to being the old Dylan now.”
“How do we always end up in these kinds of messes, bro?” Dolly replied.
“Beats me, but every time we do, we always do whatever we can to clean up those messes,” Dylan replied. “Do you remember the one time we thought our parents were splitting up and we tried to stop them from doing that?”
“Yeah, I definitely remember…”
Both Dylan and Dolly flashed back to a day from their younger years. From this point of time, they were slightly older than the average pup, and they were a family of 80, 21 short of 101. That day, Dylan and Dolly were squabbling in the way that most kids do at their age. Dolly was playfully teasing her brother around by pouncing all around the rooms while Dylan nagged about her needing to stay put so he could try and keep the house clean. A puppysitter was present, but with too many little siblings to count, the caregiver had their paws too full to focus on every surrounding. After some fussing, Dylan and Dolly found themselves right in the very vicinity of where Doug and Delilah’s glass dish they received for their wedding anniversary was in its place – until, of course, it shattered.
“You broke mum and dad’s anniversary dish!” The young Dylan and Dolly exclaimed, pointing their paws at each other.
“Oh, you’re so in trouble now,” Dolly appended.
“Even if I did break it, I would never do it on purpose!” Dylan argued.
“Oh and so what if I broke it? It was accident. I didn’t mean to break it either!” Dolly barked.
“Mum and dad are going to be really mad with us when they come back home and they see this.”
“Well, then I guess I’ll just leave you with that, bro. I’m not going to take the blame for this.”
“You’re so selfish, you know that!? Fine, I don’t need you! I’d be better off if you weren’t my sister anyway!”
“Oh yeah? Well, maybe I’m better off without you as my brother too, so there!”
Dylan and Dolly turned themselves away from each other with a huff and with their front legs crossed, neither uttering another word for a minute or two, given how much the previous sentences they’ve uttered to each other cut like a knife.
Then, Dolly uttered “I guess this is it, huh? If mum and dad are going to be mad at us for what we did, imagine how mad they’d be at each other if they didn’t blame us. You know, yesterday, I think I overheard them saying something about splitting up? We’ll never be brother and sister ever again, and I’ll never be family to all those cute little ones either, and we’ll both have to start a new family, and I’ll move far away from you, and-and-and…”
Dylan turned around to see his stepsister at the brink of ugly crying and he asked her with concern in his tone, “Dolly, are you okay?”
“Nooooooooooo!” Dolly cried and wrapped herself around her brother. “I’m the worst sister ever!”
“Please don’t say that,” Dylan replied. “Let’s calm down and think this through, okay? We’re both responsible for this mess, so let’s solve this problem together.”
Dolly saw as Dylan was looming over the shattered remains of their parents’ glass bowl. Dylan appeared to be focused on the lettering that some of the pieces had.
“What if it all doesn’t work out?” Dolly asked.
“Don’t worry about it. Just follow my lead. I’ll need a broom and dustpan, tape, glue, some protective equipment, and the first aid kit too. You know how dangerous broken glass can be.”
“I think I know what you’re planning,” Dolly remarked. “You’re trying to do this thing called…mint-snoopy, right?”
“Kintsugi,” Dylan corrected.
Later, Delilah and Doug returned home from their respective jobs. Entering the living room, they saw Dylan and Dolly looking up to them with their ears hanging low and guilty looks on their faces. Alongside them was their kintsugi project of the broken anniversary bowl. Although it resembled much less like a dog bowl, they didn’t ignore the message imposed on it, which the two Dalmatians pups spelled ‘WE ARE SORRY.’
“Huh, is this supposed to be our wedding anniversary bowl?” Doug questioned.
“What's the meaning of this?” Delilah also asked.
“We heard you two were thinking of splitting us up,” Dolly spoke.
“We got upset and broke your anniversary bowl by accident, but we tried putting it back together,” Dylan continued.
“We’re sorry!” They both said in unison, doing their best to look and sound as innocent as possible, looking their parents in the eye with their saddest-looking pouts and their cheeks pressed together.
Delilah and Doug glanced at one another, having been taking off-guard by them mentioning the thought of them being split up.
Finally, Delilah said, “This is what this is all about? Oh no, it’s nothing to worry about, sweets. We couldn’t ever bring ourselves into doing that.”
"We were going to wait when the time was right tell you all this, but we're not splitting up. Our human, however, has decided to part ways and leave the house to us, saying that we don't seem to need one anymore.” Doug explained. "It felt sudden for our human to make this choice, and so Delilah and I suggested some ideas to make things less stressful, like having another house, but we agreed not to worry about it for the time being."
Dylan and Dolly then glanced at one another with a ‘I think they bought it’ type of look before Dylan asked, “So you’re not splitting us up?”
“Not at all! It’s always been my personal goal to have lots of kids,” Doug reassured.
“I wasn’t completely sure about going all the way to 101 like my great-great grandparents did, but now I think that could be a possibility.”
“Wow, that many of us, all under one roof,” Dolly asked, "and with no human!?"
Delilah gave a small laugh and then said, “Crazy as it sounds, I think we could make it work if Pongo and Perdita could. Even though you broke a valuable material possession of ours, you’re both forgiven because you were honest and made an interesting piece of kintsugi out of it. We’ll make sure it’s in the safest place where it won’t break.”
Delilah and Doug kissed their eldest kids in the forehead before sending themselves off upstairs to their room.
“We could always get ourselves another one of those anniversary bowls, right?” Doug said.
“Indeed,” Delilah responded. “I did try telling you it was a bad idea to have it be made out of glass, as much as I loved the story of Cinderella and the glass slippers.”
“We bicker and tease each other a lot, we get ourselves into trouble and put aside our own differences to get out of those problems. That’s always been our dynamic, right?” Dylan said, now back to present day. “In fact, we might be the two dogs who keep this family held together. So, if we’re going to stop our house from flooding, we’re going to have to start over and do things like we always do, as a team!”
“Right! So what do we do?” Dolly asked.
“First thing’s first, we have to turn off the power downstairs,” Dylan said pointing over to the breaker that was in front of them and flipped the required switches. “Then we’ll have to figure out what to do with all the water.”
“Surely we got some buckets lying around the house, so let’s use those to collect it all,” Dolly suggested.
What followed was a long and strenuous period of Dylan and Dolly cleaning up the mess made in the house. With the power turned off and the water no longer overflowing from both the washing machine and the dishwasher, Dylan and Dolly then took out five large buckets to fill with water and discard outside, repeating the process until the house was filled with no more than one inch of water. Then, Dylan and Dolly brought out the steam vacuum to collect the rest of the water still left over on the flooring and on the walls, while Dawkins was brought in to assist in repairing the commodities of interest. With Dawkins’ help, Dylan and Dolly fixed up the leaks from both the laundry machine and the dishwasher and the detached handle for the washer was screwed back in place. After turning the power back on for the downstairs rooms, and Dawkins confirmed that both appliances were working like normal now, the top dogs laid themselves on the living room floor, breathing heavy from exhaustion and relief that the dilemma was all over.
“It sure has been a long day for us, huh, Dylan?” Dolly asked.
“You took those words right out of my mouth,” Dylan responded.
“Mum and dad aren’t going to like hearing what happened, but we did it, and we got through it all together,” Dolly replied.
“You know, if there’s one thing I’ve definitely learned from all this, it’s that despite our differences, we have more in common in each other than we thought,” Dylan continued. “We always make a great team. We love the pups and we always try to protect them. We both hate Clarissa…”
“Yeah, and most importantly, we’re always destined to have each other’s backs,” Dolly added. “Thanks to Deepak, I think I finally understand your feelings.”
“Me too.”
Dylan and Dolly both shared a merry laugh until, suddenly, they received a quick and sharp burst of whiplash as their switched up collars unbuckled themselves.
Dylan, being the first to regain full awareness of his surroundings said, “Dolly…you’re not going to believe this, but I just had the craziest dream. I was acting like you while you were acting like me and- oh my dog, where did this come from!?” He exclaimed as he noticed the rash on his forelegs. “Did I get too close to a cat again?”
“Wait, you mean…I became a dork, like you!?” Dolly responded. “That cannot be real.” However, the moment she tried to get herself up, she winced from the pain of her still-injured hind leg. “Nope, never mind, it was real…”
“It’s all adding up now,” Dylan continued. “We had a terrible fight, we came to Deepak, he had us do some Guru Miaow ritual, and well...we know the rest.”
“Dylan, I shouldn’t have waited to tell you this, but I’m sorry about what I did to your telescope, I really am.”
“Yeah...and I’m also sorry about ditching you from watching the sports game with you. I can’t stay mad at you, especially since today has been so rough on us.”
“I forgive you too, bro. I don’t want to get too sappy, but we should hug it out.”
“As we should, there’s nothing to be ashamed of, now that things are normal again.” Dylan acquiesced and so he and his sister Dolly gave themselves their much-needed comforting sibling hug, letting go after a minute. “There are still a few things we need to do. You said one of your legs got sprained, right? I’ll tend to it.”
“Wait, let me do something for you too!” Dolly responded.
Dylan and Dolly began the rest of the recovery process for today’s events. They put back on their original collars and gave their apologies to Deepak, Dallas, and to the rest of their younger siblings. Dylan bandaged Dolly’s damaged hind leg while Dolly prepared a mug of dog-safe hot chocolate (carob powder mixed with oat milk and heated up on the stovetop) to alleviate any lingering congestions Dylan had sustained from his encounter with the alley cats. Deepak was alongside them.
“Ah, I see that Guru Miaow’s method did work out after all,” said Deepak. “Perfectly balanced as it should be.”
“How did you learn to make this, Dolly?” Dylan asked about the hot carob drink.
“My dad made it a lot during the cold months, no big deal,” said Dolly. “I thought it would help with your cat allergy.”
“Thanks, that’s very thoughtful.” Dylan complimented.
“Now that we’ve made amends, we should get Da Vinci and DJ to do the same.” Dolly added.
“You've read my mind.”
As last order of business for the day, Dylan and Dolly arranged for Da Vinci and DJ to meet face to face and apologize after talking with them. An audible “Hey!” and “Oi!” were uttered by DJ and Da Vinci respectively after the top dogs pushed them into their arranged meeting area.
“DJ, I can hope you can forgive me for carelessly getting paint on one of your records, I don’t need to tell how sorry I am about what I did,” said Da Vinci. “I know how important that record was to you.”
“Yeah, it’s good to know you understand, like I now understand that you hate being yelled at, so I’m sorry I got mad at you,” said DJ, rubbing the back of his head with his paw. “I haven’t lost my chill like that in a long time.”
“Apology accepted,” Da Vinci finished.
“Woo-hoo! Way to go, guys!” Dolly uttered, peering from behind, along with Dylan.
“And to think they were angry with each other just a while ago,” DJ deadpanned.
Dylan and Dolly spend the rest of their day getting tonight’s worth of kibble ready for the pups and then lying down in the living room and waiting for their parents to come back home so they could explain everything to them, having worked themselves to the bone.
“We’re home, pups!” Doug called out as he and Delilah opened up the front door with the scanner.
“It sure has gotten damp in here, did something happen?” Delilah remarked before seeing Dylan and Dolly lying on the floor from exhaustion. “Hard day, sweets?”
“Looks like they put their right collars on this time,” Doug jested.
“It’s a very long but also interesting story,” said Dylan.
“We flooded the house, which is why it’s still mostly wet,” Dolly admitted. “We worked hard fixing our mess, so Dylan and I are just relaxing for now, but if you have a fitting punishment for us for what we did, let us have it. We deserve it!”
“Well…in that case, I suppose for the next two weeks, Dolly will have to help her brother getting the house all cleaned up,” said Delilah. “And perhaps for Dylan…no ‘space training’ for those two weeks?”
“Yeah, that’s fair,” Dylan acquiesced.
“I could use some pointers on some of the chores that Dyl does on a daily basis,” said Dolly.
“All right, we’ll leave you two here for the rest of the night, while Doug and I get our rest,” Delilah informed.
Before Dylan and Dolly could finish their day by taking themselves up to the bedroom with the younger pups, they gazed at the kintsugi bowl that was nestled inside their glass display case, viewing it as not only a reminder of how far their family has gotten, but also as a reminder of how significant their sibling bond was and always will be. They shared one more hug together before calling it a night.
Earlier, on the their way upstairs, Doug said to his wife, “They grow up so fast, Delilah. It’ll be very soon before we won’t be able to even call them puppies anymore.”
“I know, Doug, time goes by fast when you’re a dog,” said Delilah. “I still remember when we asked those two be the primary caregivers to our pups like it was only yesterday.”
The next morning, Dallas approached Da Vinci, needing her for assistance on the scrapbook for she started to show her gratuity to her two eldest siblings. Da Vinci was sadly gazing down at some of her drawings she had made. Each of them were soaked up and faded due to the house flooding.
“Hey Da Vinci, I could use your help for the scrapbook I’m making,” said Dallas and then she noticed the ruined paintings. “Oh, I’m sorry they didn’t make it out unscathed.”
“No, it’s fine. …It wasn’t my best work.” Da Vinci responded. The blurry red and black colors on each of the drawings made it seem as thought they were fairly recent pieces.
“But you looked so sad,” Dallas replied. “Why is that?”
“It’s private,” Da Vinci answered. “I’m sorry, but I don’t feel like doing any art right now. I’m just not in the right mood at the moment.”
“Oh...that’s okay. Let me know if you change your mind, though.”
With Da Vinci left alone pondering, she continued to sulk over her washed out paintings.
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NOTES:
Original characters appearing in this chapter: Brooker, Macabre-
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As requested by King @Bob Carotte
35. The Political Correctness Musings of Lisa Simpson - An Unofficial Simpsons Couch Gag by Steel Sponge
Before the usual routine of The Simpsons trying to sit on the couch could start, Lisa looked directly in front of the camera, as if she had something very crucial to talk about.
"You know, here on this show, we've given you all some laughs, and then some jokes that weren't quite as humorous as we thought..." Lisa spoke, "but that's not what I'm here to talk about. What I'm here to talk about with you is political correctness."
Lisa then held up a framed picture of Elon Musk.
"And the topic of this instance of political incorrectness? It's me." Lisa continued. "In the past, I've said that Elon Musk is probably the greatest living inventor. Maybe I didn't put enough emphasis on 'probably,' but in light of what we've all witnessed of Elon's public image, it has occurred to me that I thought wrong. Like I had so vaguely stated once as an unsubtle nudge about a good friend of ours who hadn't been seen for years, 'It's hard to say. Something that started decades ago and was applauded and inoffensive is now politically incorrect. What can you do?'
"Now I ask myself, what can I do now that I know I've been wrong about someone I've judged as a pundit for human intervention? Do I address all the terrible things that Elon Musk had influenced on society and debunk the claim that he's the world's greatest inventor alive today, if he was one at all? Do I forgive myself and move on? Or do I take a third, arbitrary option, in which me and my family longingly stare at you for not doing a thing about it and dealing with this issue at a later date, while we, of course, also do nothing about it and proceed to do the Homer Shake to raise awareness of how out of touch we are? Well...just try and guess what exactly is the only thing we can do."
And so the Simpsons family stared at the audience before proceeding to do the Homer Shake.
CREATED BY
MATT GROENING-
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30. What If...Nickelodeon Owned the SBC Spin-Offs?
One year...nobody knows what year it was exactly, but it marked a point in history in which Viacom decided that if they were going to keep Nickelodeon afloat, they were going to have to act fast. Well, except for the whole part of this company being called Viacom, because as of this writing, they are now referred to as ViacomCBS...oh wait, that still isn’t right? For fuck’s sake. Anyways, Paramount... – actually, you know what? This is a hypothetical story anyways, and we don’t want to get sued, so let’s make some last minute changes.
ViacomountCBSSkydanceKonamiSiliconValleyIKEA, shortened to Viacomount to make it sound less annoying (or shortened to just Viacom because that’s what we all still call them), saw dwindling viewership for Nickelodeon. They have been so busy building up their own personal Marvel universe with their most successful IP, SpongeBob SquarePants, while throwing everything else to the wolves, and yet their network wasn’t doing so hot. Even after the Nicktoons channel rebranded to NickSpongeBob, it wasn’t good enough. A lot of people say it’s due to the oversatuation of their IP, while others theorized that the Quiet on Set documentary was somehow still powerful enough to get them cooked. Whatever the means, they were growing desperate to find ways to create new content. That was when they discovered the SpongeBob Community and its spin-off library, and just like that, everything about to change…
SBCers were alarmed by the news that the people down at Viacomount had purchased the rights to their spin-off library without any notice. To make matters worse, the members were forced to erase their stories so as to not leave evidence that these new spin-off ideas were being taken directly from a certain fan site. As a compromise, Viacomount promised to give the creators of the shows that they greenlit some creative control. These were the end results…
One-Time SpongeBob Characters: Where Are They Now?
In the current climate of the main series bringing just about every one-time character back as nostalgia pandering to the growing annoyance of its viewers, there were mostly high hopes for this upcoming spin-off. Wumbo, the creator, wanted the first season to focus mainly on the residents of Squidville – the clarinet trio, the Squids playing croquet, the turkey sandwich that someone heard better comebacks from, the canned bread, and of course the fire hydrant that Patrick assumed was Squidward. Instead, the executives at Nick insisted the season focuses mainly on Bubble Bass, therein by making it a glorified Bubble Bass spin-off. The series was canceled after one season, with Wumbo’s only contribution, while credited as ‘Squidward Tennisballs,’ being an episode where Bubble Bass kept screaming about a Mermaid Man credit card.
Squnschpunsch
Prez was clearly excited when Nickelodeon laid on him the news that they were going to turn his beloved crossover Squnschpunsch into a real series. The excitement fell short as there were some conditions that Prez wasn’t all too satisfied with. Nickelodeon chose not to recast Rick Jones as Maurizio and also suggested having Jacob being voiced by an AI of the late Harry Hill. After some meddling, Chris Pratt was cast as Maurizio while Jacob was voiced by an actual raven that was perched within the Nickelodeon animation studio and sometimes uttered “Nevermore.” Rodger Bumpass remained the voice of Squidward, but the state of the show’s strong promises had diminished. The humor of Squnschpunsch was reduced to bare-bones Squidward torture and gross-out. Even though Nickelodeon lived up to one of the wishes of Prez by having Glass Animals perform “Heat Waves” in one episode, they couldn’t make him happyorr naaaaooooo. It was canceled after one season.
Pisces Moon
Two spin-offs created by Steel Sponge were greenlit – The Adventures of No Name, which ended up being an unsold pilot, and Pisces Moon, the latter in which Nickelodeon boasted would be their very own Star Wars, to the point where J.J. Abrams would take over in the middle of production, making swift changes to some of the characters, such as giving Sandy an unexplained hatred for sand, and Titan an unorthodox fascination with boxes. Steel’s most notable contribution was including a cameo of Lisa Simpson (or rather, Asil Nospmis, to avoid copyright lawsuits) looked to the camera and said “A company notorious for letting down its consumers reaches out to you to salvage their business, and the very next moment, they sell you down the river. What can YOU do?” before staring at the viewer for five minutes until the episode ends. This, of course, would be the thirteenth and final episode before the series was dropped due to the network not having the budget to let it continue.
The Silly Adventures of Patrick Star
Despite Nickelodeon already having a Patrick-focused spin-off on their line-up, they thought that one wasn’t enough and decided to greenlight JCM’s own Patrick show. Although things were looking up this time, an abrupt change in management stifled the show’s quality when a production company going by the name of United Seasponge Studios took over. The spin-off ended its run prematurely on the Nickelodeon channel, but it would continue airing on the Skibidi Toilet Kids channel.
Skodwarde
Skodwarde, created by OMJ, and one of the most popular long-running series in the SBC spin-off archive, was picked up, but a lot of changes had to be made. In order to make Skodwarde more TV-friendly for the network, 4Kids was revived to take up the strenuous task of Bowdlerizing the series until it no longer resembled Skodwarde. All the past edgy and raunchy humor was traded in for puns, the titular character now reads “Eat, Pray, Love” and sings the national anthem in his past-time, the Krusty Krab served jelly donuts instead of Krabby Patties, SpongeBob was given an unexplained Brooklyn accent, and instead of Scotty (the new name given to the title character) using his god powers for evil, he uses them to teach basic and religious morals. Despite all of these drastic changes, OMJ would still manage to include some potshots towards Nick by way of sneaking in caricatured cameos of disgraced former Nickelodeon creators Dan Schneider, Butch Hartman, and John K. to keep the spirit of the original Skodwarde alive. The rights to Skodwarde were then given to Funimation, who were told by Nickelodeon to ‘do whatever the hell you want with it.’
Jjs’ Riffing Theater 3000
Despite Jjs’ wishes for an animated version of Scooter’s Paradise, and despite not being a SpongeBob-inspired creation, the executives of Nickelodeon picked up the Riffing Theater for a full series, as they saw greater opportunities with the format. One of those opportunities being allowing SBC members to react to characters from their other shows reacting to their show being canceled (“Bye Bye Beavers” is finally televized to the public as a result). The riffers focused solely on riffing the network itself that forced this on them than on the material being presented to them, and needless to say, they showed no kind words for their bosses. The straw that broke the camel’s back was when one of the subjects of the riffing was footage of Tiny Chef having a half-hour mental breakdown. Even though Nickelodeon wanted this to continue, they still ended up pulling the plug due to all of the riffers quitting. There was a proposal to implement actual SB characters in the series as riffers, but no one wanted to take up the job of mocking Rock from Rock Paper Scissors coping with the cancellation of his show by stress eating pints of ice cream, among other sadistic creations from the Sponge.
SpongeBob’s Host
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, wait, you thought I was being serious with this one?
Several other failed spin-offs later, and it would be announced that Nickelodeon will go off the air for good, as ViacomountCBSSkydanceKonamiSiliconValleyIKEA would then later file for bankruptcy. The spin-off rights would eventually go back to the respective SBC members and were re-archived on said site. Even though the answers were abundantly clear, when a few former Nickelodeon executives were asked about what went wrong, they would all say they never understood why their versions of the SBC spin-offs failed. When the SBC members were approached about their experiences working with Nick, they didn’t seem to have so much to say…
Jjs: Well, you know what they say in Brooklyn – early to bed, early to catch the worm. ...Or, is it the bagel?
JCM: Maybe the real spin-offs were the friends we’ve made along the way. Except Skibidi Toilet Kids, they’re not my friends.
Steel: I may have gone too far in a few places…
OMJ: I was hoping they’d let me make a show about SpringBoob SquirePin.
Wumbo: I’m my own man.
Prez: It was okay I guess, but that pesky raven still owes me $100.
(Quoth the raven: Nevermore.)
After all was said and done, the SBC members have all went back to their own normal lives. Whatever remained of Viacom now can’t help but wonder how a ragtag bunch of netizens from an internet community dedicated to a cartoon about a sea sponge could have such a stranglehold on real life events. But hey...that’s just a theory...A SPIN-OFF THEORY! HELLO, INTERNET!-
[MatPat was found and subsequently evacuated from the SBC What If’s… studio.]
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STEEL'S TOP 100 MUSIC ARTISTS (#100-#91)
Spoiler100. Tame Impala
Kevin Parker, or as he goes by under his music project, Tame Impala, has been my main gateway artist when it came to getting into Australian music. In fact, he may as well be the gold standard for modern-day Aussie music. It’s not hard to see why. My first impression was that he seemed a little too indie for my tastes, but then I became more open-minded towards indie rock, and after giving him a try, I got the hype.
‘Vibes’ is pretty much the best way to describe the experience of listening to the music of Tame Impala. Kevin’s approach to this neo-psychedelic indie rock varied in sound, which was what certainly made it feel special, and it’s influenced quite a lot of budding music artists to boot. It’s the best kind of music to listen to when you’re under the influence...and, if you’re like me, when you’re not under the influence and you just want a good time.
Best songs: Feels Like We Only Go Backwards, New Person, Same Old Mistakes, Endors Toi, Apocalypse Dreams, ‘Cause I’m a Man, Breathe Deeper
Best album: LonerismSpoiler99. Weird Al Yankovic
Weird Al is that kind of artist that most people have a lot of respect towards, but you’d also otherwise wouldn't normally think of as “Top 100 artists of all time” material. He’s not a serious enough musician to put on such a high pedestal, but on the other hand, it doesn’t feel right to exclude him either when his immaculate ability to parody songs and music styles while giving them an identity of their own doesn’t go unnoticed (and it shouldn’t).
I have a great deal of respect for Weird Al for a variety of reasons. Like I said, there’s the thought he puts into the music he parodies, then he has his own brand of humor that’s pretty sharp most of the time, and well...whenever you need somebody to brighten your mood due to the bullshit we deal with in the world every day, Al and his music are there when we need him. “He who is tired of Weird Al is tired of life” copypastas aside, Weird Al is truly an artist that we can never really get enough of.
Best songs: Dare to Be Stupid, Albuquerque, Dog Eat Dog, White & Nerdy, The Saga Begins, A Complicated Song
Best album: Running with ScissorsSpoiler98. BROCKHAMPTON
It’s really impressive how much of an impact this group has had despite their relatively short-lived status – A trilogy of albums all released in one year, all full of bangers, a very unique approach to hip-hop, and as well as towards the boy band concept, an ensemble of rappers and singers with their own distinctive styles and personalities that allow each for them to play off one another so well, and they had a hot streak of quality music releases (well...until the last two albums, I’d prefer to keep pretending that Roadrunner is their last album). So yeah, what’s not to love?
Best songs: BLEACH, SAN MARCOS, RENTAL, GUMMY, HEAT, THE PT. II
Best album: Saturation IIISpoiler97. Ariana Grande
My introduction to Ari is basically the same as everyone else’s – when she starred as Cat from Victorious. I never anticipated back then that she would go on to become one of the biggest pop stars for several years to come, nor that I would have such a soft spot for her music to include her on my own list. I know some people have felt the need to write her off as some full-of-herself pop diva ‘cause you know...tall poppy syndrome, but Ariana has made some truly great pop music over the course of her career, and that’s because she possesses a lot of the good qualities we want from a pop performer.
She has the personality, she has the charisma, she has the charm, and of course she has the voice – all of these things to be able to even rival Mariah Carey. Even despite some duds like “7 rings,” “break up with your girlfriend, I’m bored” and a few of the singles from My Everything, her music has been consistently great for the most part.
Best songs: Into You, breathin, ghostin, Honeymoon Avenue, Moonlight, pov
Best album: SweetenerSpoiler96. Eagles
I’ve been aware of the Eagles for as long as I could remember. They are my mom’s flagship favorite band and I used to listen to some of their songs on bus rides to my old middle school (along with other classic rock artists), and because of all that, I’ve inherited an acquired taste for the band before I gave myself the time to listen to some of their albums.
But then, of course, there is the hate the band receives every once in a while to be acknowledged, and to those who dislike the Eagles...I don’t get you. Sure, they were everywhere during their peak, which yeah…that criticism can apply to any big name artist of yesterday and today, they are the de facto ‘Dad Rock’ band, they weren’t super original or groundbreaking, but like, if you were expecting that sort from the fucking Eagles, you might be expecting a little too much from them. Plus, for the longest time, their music wasn’t available for streaming, which was a minor annoyance. All that matters is that their music was great. Don Henley, Glenn Frey, Joe Walsh, all iconic artists in their own right that played off together effortlessly, and they’ve certainly earned their star power together with their band. Nostalgia is also a key playing factor towards my liking of this group, but the talent is there and always will be.
Best songs: Take It Easy, Outlaw Man, Hotel California, Journey of the Sorcerer, Desperado, Tequila Sunrise
Best album: One of These NightsSpoiler95. Journey
Journey was another ‘Dad Rock’ band that I’ve gotten into during my youth. I’ve been into this band so much so that they were my flagship favorite for a while. They may be pegged all the way down to #95 as a result of my growing taste in music, but the love I’ve had for Journey as a high schooler is still very much felt as an adult.
Journey are the definite arena rock band, as they’ve certainly had that type of sound down to a science. Steve Perry may perhaps be one of the greatest rock singers of all time. He brought so much passion and emotion to the band’s songs. They are way more than just “Don’t Stop Believin’.” Listening to the rest of their catalog of singles will definitely prove that to you. They’ve got some great albums under their belt too with Infinity and Escape to name, the latter in which was pretty much a singles album. As much of a normie choice this may be, Journey’s music very much remains enjoyable.
Best songs: Separate Ways (Worlds Apart), Winds of March, Only the Young (technically a Scandal song first, but the band still wrote so it counts), Suzanne, Escape, Wheel in the Sky
Best album: InfinitySpoiler94. Hall & Oates
It’s disappointing that I can’t talk about this duo without the notion that these two were never actually buddies like we thought they were for the longest time, but even then, I still love me some Hall & Oates. During my short period of doing complete discography marathons on Discord, I’ve listened to every album from them by chance (Yes, all 19 of them. I really was that committed.), and it’s certainly elevated my feelings on their music.
By and large, Hall & Oates were one of the most iconic singles artists. Underneath the surface, however, they have some genuinely great albums that tend to move past our radars, and as well as a fair share of underrated deep cuts.
Best songs: Everytime I Look at You, Screaming Through December, I Can’t Go for That (No Can Do), Cold Dark and Yesterday, Melody for a Memory, Bad Habits and Infections
Best album: War BabiesSpoiler93. Avril Lavigne
It’s so interesting to put Avril Lavigne into perspective as an artist who used to be the punching bag for punk music elitists but is now a “Your favorite artist’s favorite artist” type of music artist (One good look at the list of musicians she’s inspired on her Wikipedia page will tell you what I mean). Nostalgia, of course, is a huge playing factor towards Avril Lavigne being on my personal top 100, since I’ve gotten into her music as a teenager. Even at the ripe age of 30, the point in which most people feel like they’re too old to be listening to pop punk, I still catch myself listening to her every once in a while.
Avril Lavigne is the quintessential pop punk icon and she had the talent to show for it. She had a lot of catchy, memorable pop punk bops under her belt, and as well as good few great displays of her vulnerability on her more slower tracks. You do also have artists like Alanis Morissette and Michelle Branch, but they just don’t quite hit that same mark that Avril does for me when it comes to accessible pop rock.
Best songs: He Wasn’t, Mobile, I’m with You, I Don’t Have to Try, Losing Grip, My Happy Ending
Best album: Let GoSpoiler92. Aly & AJ
While I’m still on the topic of nostalgic favorites...here’s another artist from my childhood, and one that will have most people asking “Wait...they still make music?” Aly & AJ, during their time with Disney, released two albums (or three if you’re willing to count Christmas music), and dipped. They went dormant for about 10 years before they showed the world that they were back for more…and wow, did they deliver. For a lot of folks, the Jonas Brothers reuniting was the important pop culture moment of the late 2010s, but for me, it was Aly & AJ coming back.
Aly & AJ had quite a few teen pop bangers, but their synthpop phase come the late 2010s was where I really started to fall in love with their music. They may be incredibly niche now and may not reach the same high as they did when they were with Disney, but this maturer pivot in sound and flair that they achieved have made them into significantly greater artists (I recommend listening to their 2021 album). So yeah, they are a prime example of nostalgic favorites that now act as an enduring favorite with the music they’ve been making as of recent.
Best songs: Don’t Go Changing, Potential Breakup Song, Slow Dancing, Chemicals React, Take Me, Lost Cause
Best album: A Touch of the Beat Gets You Up on Your Feet Gets You Out and Then Into the SunSpoiler91. Grimes
I’m going to be blunt with you all. My love affair with Grimes’ music is nearly done at this point, and mind you, this isn’t just because of her previous connections to Trump’s ex-boyfriend (and having a son with him to boot), but also due to the dwindling quality from her newer stuff.
Nonetheless, I still hold a very soft spot for Grimes, as she was one of the few artists that got me more into the experimental side of music, with Art Angels being among one of my all-time favorite albums. She had a chaotic approach to pop music that was so unique to her and hard to top at the time. And it all still holds up to this day, putting aside all the Elon Musk garbage, and that’s why I consider her one of my top artists.
Best songs: Kill V. Maim, Oblivion, Flesh without Blood, Genesis, Venus Fly, Violence
Best album: Art Angels -
hey guys, i'm still alive.
Will actually start this pretty soon, otherwise if i don't, you all have the right to beat me with hammers.
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On 6/6/2025 at 11:50 PM, 4EverGreen said:
It's SAD that LITERALLY the only song I recognized on that WHOLE list was Luke Combs' version of "Fast Car". Remember when Billboard Artists USED to be able to put out songs that people could ACTUALLY remember and enjoy? "Pepperidge Farm remembers."
I get needing to add something to the discussion, but this is definitely not a good way to approach things unfamiliar to you.
Good list btw.
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Sorry I'm late, but here is the complete playlist:
https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5NwESBeD7QKlpsOAtW2bFM?si=51a5d58cb35745d3 -
I'll be lazy and stick with what my current pfp is (Lisa Simpson).
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Hey, everyone. It has been a while, so I hope you're all doing well. I decided now would be a good time for the Block Party playlist to return, and the theme for this one will be...
RENAISSANCE FAIRE
For those who don't know what this is...let me explain. Renaissance fairs are social gatherings that are dedicated to the world's anciest history, may it be the English Renaissance or the medieval era generally, and they are held most usually during the spring. Renaissance fairs are tribute to a time of knights, castles, kings, queens, bows and arrows, and much more, and as well as to the more fantastical elements like dragons, witches, wizards, and magical beings. Anyways, the main idea of this theme is to make a playlist of music that you think would be suited for this kind of occasion. Currently, the deadline to submit for this will be on May 10th. So for the time being, let's get our costumes ready for Queen Elizabeth's party.
The rules as usual:
-You must pick three artists and three songs for each of them.
-It's another 'anything goes' type of submission, but please stay consistent with the theme.
-No joke or troll entries.
-No repeat entries. Once one particular artist has been taken, it's no longer up for grabs.
-Once again, the deadline is May 10th.Submissions:
SpoilerSteel Sponge:
Genesis: Dancing with the Moonlit Knight, The Carpet Crawlers, A Trick of the Tail
Bjork: Fossora, Pagan Poetry, Earth Intruders
Taylor Swift: cardigan, willow, Castles Crumbling
Zaid:
Rhapsody of Fire: Emerald Sword, Double Victory, Beyond the Gates of Infinity
Sebaton: The Last Stand, Hill 3234, The Last Battle
Dethklok: The Hammer, Murmaider, Go Into the Water
SBManiac:
Simon & Garfunkel: Scarborough Fair/Canticle, I Am a Rock, April Come She Will
Crystal Castles: Courtship Dating, Baptism, Magic Spells
Brian Eno: King's Lead Hat, The Jezebel Spirit, There Were Bells
Jjsthekid:
Coldplay: Viva la Vida, Death and All His Friends, Violet Hill
The Cranberries: Zombie, Dreams, Just My Imagination
Pink Floyd: Another Brick in the Wall Pt. 2, Us and Them, A Great Day for Freedom -
Squirrel Jelly is based, actually.
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We Are Fucking Fucked - Muse
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The Day The Earth Blew Up
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SPECIAL: Chemist Bob's First (and Only) Nostalgia Critic Riff-tacular
Steel: So…it’s been awhile since I last mentioned the Nostalgia Critic…okay, no, that’s a lie. Even though I’ve said numerous times that I’ve wanted to move on from NC or that I’ve had, I haven’t really. Nostalgia Critic, and as well as Doug Walker, the very person behind that moniker, has been an endless source to SBC’s own entertainment, so it would come to no surprise that you get this feeling that you’d want to...well, check on someone, may it be an old friend, an old enemy, or…someone who happens to be be both of those things to you. There’s been a renewed interest in discussing the Nostalgia Critic, and because of that, let me just say...this might be the worst time for me to rip off the bandage and disclose the nature of this one-time riff, but…
This will not be me dragging Doug/NC through the mud. I’ve done that already for Riffing Theater and on my own top 20 worst NC reviews analysis and I don’t need to do that again. But also keep in mind that this is not Doug/NC rehabilitation either. So what will this be then? This will just be me poking fun at the Nostalgia Critic for old time’s sake, and I’m going to keep things mostly lighthearted with my roasts.
Now the question here is why am I doing this? Over the course of The Critic Chronicles, my riffs towards the Nostalgia Critic have been mostly bitter remarks towards Doug and the series that I’ve grown to regret being a fan of after the #ChangeTheChannel drama. I’ve had my retribution from when I looked back at The Dark Side of the Herd as badly-written NC posturing, in which it caused my growing hatred of NC at the time, but now…I’m willing to move past that grudge. And yes, I know, it’s way too late for me to make this course correction when I don’t have to commit to it, but I have come to terms that I’ve held a little too much vendetta towards NC and Doug Walker and I feel like the most mature thing to do in looking back at NC now is to go back to one of his older videos without all the bitterness, as a way of properly making my peace with him.
Now don’t get the wrong idea, this isn’t necessarily revisionism for my old NC riffs. Like I have said before, I may not be proud of everything I wrote for it, but what’s done is done. The Critic Chronicles was a collaborative project that brought us all together, so of course I can’t show any regrets for taking part in it. In fact, Doug Walker himself has actually shown to have a good sense of humor and that does suggest that he wouldn’t be so mad about all the potshots I’ve made towards him. With all that said though, and as hard as it may be to believe in terms of Doug and the Nostalgia Critic, a lot can change in seven years. I’m not going to write off any of Doug’s wrongdoings behind the scenes and I’m still going to hold his worst reviews on a pedestal, but I will openly say that I can’t deny the impact he’s had, or dare I say…I have nostalgia for the Nostalgia Critic.
And I think wanting to take a different approach in mocking the NC speaks to me of how I’ve become somewhat of a different person than I was during the time where I just hated Doug’s own guts and really wanted to tear him to shreds. FFS, the biggest critic of Doug/NC that I knew ended up being way more unhinged than him, and perhaps a worse person than him, and it really made me think a lot of times if I ever came off as unhinged with my past riffs on NC. From Doug Walker’s cameo on Smiling Friends, to the Critic being explicitly referenced in one particular episode of The Patrick Star Show (both of which I definitely ate up), to me still continuing to crack jokes about NC’s dumbest moments to this day…I can’t keep pretending anymore that I stopped caring about him.
So, of course, this is going to be my pull game here: No obsessing over Doug’s/Critic’s past, no being viscerally angry towards the Nostalgia Critic’s stupidity, no personal attacks on Doug himself, may it be for his reviewing ability or for his appearance, no trying to put a particular bad review on a higher shelf than his other bad reviews, and no trying to one-up him (the live-action Jungle Book riffs where I tried to show my acquired knowledge for the book as “gotcha!” moments, nagging him for constantly using the word ‘but’ in his counter-arguments, and making a no-effort drawing of Chemist Bob giving him the middle finger was pretentious Steel Sponge hours in hindsight, I’m sorry). All that I will pretty much do is poke fun at the review itself – to which I’m going to do just this once. And I chose an interesting NC episode to riff on – and that is his AOSTH/Sonic SATAM double review.
I chose that review specifically because it happens to be the first Nostalgia Critic review that I was ever exposed to. It didn’t leave me feeling enamored by the series at first, so I did propose this review as a potential candidate for Riffing Theater. Now that I do have my own riffing series, that leaves me with the grand ol opportunity to riff it, and here’s the catch: I’m not going to be the one riffing it. In the classic Nostalgia Critic tradition, I’m going to let a character, who of course resembles too much like me to be considered a character, to do the riffing here. So if I can just drag him over here for a second…
Chemist Bob: ...No, I don’t want to-! …UUUGH.
As it seems, my creator has gotten me attached to mocking the Nostalgia Critic. I’ve definitely heard of him, but until recently, I never gave it the thought to devote my time to any of his reviews. I can tell that he’s also not very well-liked at all. Surely, that will make for some very interesting commentary. Let’s see what he has to say about the Sonic the Hedgehog cartoons.
(NC sits in his room, horrified. After a long pause, he begins without his opening line.)
Oh...um, did a cartoon about an anthropomorphic blue hedgehog really break him this much? I was told he usually started his reviews with “Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don’t have to!” Come on, say the line!
NC: (quietly) I consider myself a man of decent logic. A man who has a fairly firm grasp on the perceptions of reality. A man who's down to Earth, and lives in the realms of the real world.
From what I could guess, Sonic the Hedgehog was so bad that you lost your grasp on reality, gotcha.
(Another short pause, then inhales deeply and speaks in a much firmer tone) UNTIL TODAY, when that reality was CHALLENGED by a blue, tinted hedgehog and his flying fox… (calms down) with two tails.
Not sure what’s so devastating about a blue hedgehog and his fox buddy that you had to make us sit down for this, but…proceed.
(Relaxes, and speaks in a normal tone) This...is the gateway to madness...that the world of children's programming has chosen to call...The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog.
Well...whatever harm this show could have done to make you feel this sort of way, I’m afraid you’ve already lost me.
(Cut to the title screen of the DIC series, followed by a montage of clips from the show played to the opening theme music, which is a combination of the opening Sonic theme from his first game, and the classical pieces In the Hall of the Mountain King and Flight of the Bumblebee.)
And let’s not forget about “Last Friday Night” either…
NC (vo): Imagine coming across a mentally disabled person who was not only criminally insane, but was also drunk, high and had a whole-frontal lobotomy leaving little to no intelligence left in his brain.
...How about we don’t?
NC: (loudly and affirmatively) He would be NORMAL compared to The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog.
‘The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog transcends being mentally insane’...is certainly a take.
So, what's wrong with this show? (beat) What's right with this show!? That's the shorter answer!
Pingas. But that’s my relatively short answer to your rhetorical question.
(Cut to another montage of clips with the theme music.)
NC (vo): It's actually hard to come up with words to describe how bat-shit crazy this show is, it is that crazy.
So all that you’ve already said about The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog bending the rules of logic by every means, that wasn’t words being used to describe this show?
NC: So, rather than talk about it, let's go ahead and try and watch it. The key word being "try".
Fine by you, I wasn’t planning on trying to take your critiques any seriously anyway.
(Cut to the beginning of the show's opening sequence, where Sonic the Hedgehog & Miles “Tails” Prower wake up from bunk beds and rush around, even surprising the Sun itself which has a face)
MR. SUN CAME UP AND HE SMILED AT ME- Oh wait, I forgot the memo from my creator that the Critic delves into referential humor. I should probably lay low on that.
NC (vo): So here's the opening of the show, which I suppose is supposed to sum up what the show is about.
Yes, that’s exactly what all television title sequences do. Unless you're Regular Show.
(Flows into a fast-paced edit of the opening sequence showing all the times Sonic or his name appears in it. When he or his name appears on-screen, NC responds.)
NC (vo): (mock-excitedly) Look, it's Sonic! Sonic! We got a lot of Sonic! Hello, Sonic! Sonic! Hey, lots of Sonic, lots of Sonic! Hey, Sonic! Sonic! C'mon we all love Sonic, Sonic.
NC: (sarcastically) Well, that explained everything.
Well yes, but you forgot about the flying fox and the egg-shaped man and his robots trying to catch him.
(Cut to a montage of clips featuring Sonic running, Sonic running alongside Tails flying, a robot bounty hunter ripping the wall off a house, a panoramic scroll of inside Robotnik's fortress, a chili-dog stand robot rising on a metal pole and a street full of crooked buildings.)
NC (vo): So the show takes place in Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land.* I call it that because clearly you look at the backgrounds, knowing the creators just threw up their arms and shouted "really, who gives a shit?"
To be fair, when you’re working on a cartoon that’s on a bit of a shoestring budget with an order of 65 episodes for a one-year syndicated run while the rest of the budget is put into the other Sonic cartoon…you may as well have every reason to materialize Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land into existence.
Actual name of the show’s setting is Planet Mobius
Thank you script writer for the information for the show’s setting that may as well actually be Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land.
(Cut to a clip of Sonic and Tails stopping atop a small hill to look at a small collection of buildings in the distance.)
Sonic: Civilization!
Tails: Boy, I thought we'd never find it.
NC: Civilization? Where? What, you mean those couple of...
(Cut back to the view of the city.)
NC (vo): ...building blocks in the distance? That's supposed to be a city?
Did you expect any less from Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land?
NC: Oh, yeah, one of the great architectural designs of cinema. (cut to a view of Gotham City from Batman (1989)) Gotham City, (cut to a view of the Castle of Gondor from Lord of the Rings) the Castle of Gondor, (cut back to AoStH's city) shitty-ass bricks. (sarcastically) I can't wait to see more!
Oh yeah…a city that appears to be a real cityscape used as a set for a live-action superhero flick and very detailed-looking live-action architecture for a movie that came out nearly 10 years after AOSTH...all pitted against the animated backdrop of a city out in the distance from a shoestring-budgeted cartoon. Definitely a fair comparison!
The proper name is Minas Tirith. Gondor is the country the castle is in.
Given the thought process that the Critic had to compare that to “shitty-ass bricks,” I guess I wouldn’t be surprised that he wouldn’t know the proper name.
(Cut to another montage of clips from the show featuring Sonic speeding into the distance, Sonic knocking over some robots, Sonic and Tails running away from a pack of robots, a pack of robots interacting and then running to the left and Scratch and Grounder performing a ring-around-the-rosie victory dance whilst cheering "we did it, we did it".)
He must hate this show so much if even a clip of two robots making merry together is making his blood boil.
NC (vo): Now I know what you might be thinking. "Aren't you just showing the opening of the show again?" Nope, this is literally all the show is, just chasing and yelling. It's like a cartoon for kids that have Tourette's syndrome.
Yikes…you already suggested that this show is below having any shred of mental capacity, but you didn’t have to take it out on a group of people who do have mental disorders.
(Cut to a zoom-in of Sonic talking to Tails.)
NC (vo): So the show stars Sonic, duh,
And all this time, I thought he was talking about Knuckles the Echidna.
fresh (cut to the title screen of the video game Sonic the Hedgehog) from the hit video game off the SEGA Genesis. (cut to several clips of Sonic talking to Tails) He's voiced by none other than Jaleel White. That's right, (cut to a picture of White as Urkel) Urkel from Family Matters.
(Cut to a clip of Sonic and Tails taunting towards the camera.)
Sonic: (tauntingly) I seeeee yooooou!
NC: (sarcastically) Oh, yeah, 'cause Urkel's voice was such a delight to listen to, wasn't it?
Hey, if you think that’s bad, Sonic Underground has Jaleel voicing all three of the main characters.
(Cut to an edited clip of Sonic confronting Scratch and Grounder, with Sonic's lines being dubbed over by Urkel's voice.)
Urkel: (from Family Matters) All I care about in this park is the safety of the kids! I shall be forced to verbally castigate you in front of your peers!
Kids, there’s nothing more cool than-
(Cut to clips of Sonic interacting with Tails.)
NC (vo): He's accompanied by his sidekick Tails, a little fox who can fly around because he was born with two tails.
NC: (slowly, confused) Makes sense to me.
It’s Sonic the freaking Hedgehog! It’s not supposed to make sense!
(Cut to clips of Doctor Eggman (called Doctor Robotnik in the West for the first few games and shows, including this one.))
No, it’s okay, transcript writer, you can call him Doctor Robotnik.
NC (vo): They're out to stop the evil Robotnik, who seems to live in a house (cut to an exterior shot of Robotnik's fortress) designed by Frank Lloyd Wrong.
Ha-ha, it’s supposed to be Frank Lloyd Wright, but you said Frank Lloyd Wrong, I get it.
(cut to a clip of Robotnik) His evil plan is to -- you guessed it -- take over the world.
(Cut back to NC's room, where he looks annoyed.)
NC: (dismissively) No, I'm not going to do it. I'm sick of that joke. Y'know, it was funny at first, but now it's just getting annoying.
Oh, so this guy had already run one of his own jokes to the ground before this review? That doesn’t seem like a good sign.
So you are never going to hear that joke ag- (Suddenly the Bison "Of course" clip tries to push its way in from the left, but NC pushes it aside. The clip then tries to push itself in from the bottom, but NC pushes it away with difficulty.) Hehehe, it's going to take more than that to stop - (The clip drops down from the top and lands on NC, and then plays.)
Bison: OF COURSE!
NC: (offscreen, muffled) Fucking joke.
You see, the joke is that the Critic got tired one of his old jokes that he doesn’t want to repeat it, so the joke is rebelling and doing its thing against his better judgments, but you see, the Critic is also self-aware that he’s pitted this on himself! Don’t you just love unsubtle self-referential hypocritical jokes like this!?
(Cut to clips of Robotnik.)
NC (vo): So Robotnik isn't really as much a dictator as much as a comic foil for Sonic to make fun of. But what do you expect when you dress like Santa Claus' sadomasochistic gimp brother?
You mean Robotnik has never looked like Santa Claus’ sadomasochistic gimp brother in any other Sonic media?
(Clip of Robotnik pacing on a stage.)
Robotnik: One trouble-making teenager has made me tear every hair from (indicates his head) my beautiful head!
(Robotnik presses a button on a remote control and curtains part to reveal a picture of Sonic to the booing crowd.)
NC (vo): (as Robotnik bares his teeth at the camera revealing the word "HATE" before they crack and shatter to pieces) Wow, he hates him so much that he actually tattooed the word "HATE" right on his very teeth.
NC: (impressed) That's a lot of hate.
That was my initial reaction over you being excessively angry over a cartoon about the wacky hi jinks of a running blue hedgehog.
(Cut to clips of Robotnik and his army of robots.)
NC (vo): He tries to stop him by building robots that are designed to kill and destroy. (panoramic scroll of the robot army) These machines are so lame, I'd doubt they'd make it (cut to the stage select screen of Mega Man 3) as half-baked Mega Man villains. (Suddenly the level intro begins with one of Robotnik's robots jumping into the center, with the name "Do You Even Care?" appearing below it.)
Is There Anybody Who Cares? That’s the shorter answer!
NC (vo): (cut to a clip of Robotnik with his henchmen) Two of the robots created are a (cut to clip of Scratch) robotic chicken named Scratch, and... (cut to a clip of Grounder)... whatever the hell this is...named Grounder. (cut to a clip of Scratch and Grounder) And if you thought Sonic's voice was annoying, just listen to this ear sodomy.
(* The voice actors are Phil Hayes and Garry Chalk.)
Thanks for the heads-up, transcript writer.
Scratch: Hey, fastdraw, you missed!! BA-HA-HA!
Grounder: (holding his glue gun to Scratch) I'll glue your yap shut!
(Cut to NC, who puts his fingers in his ears and groans.)
NC (vo): How do I describe the voices of these two? You ever tell your side of a story where you're trying to make the other person you're talking about sound really obnoxious?
NC: (voice slightly deeper) So I'm sitting there, just talking to my friends, when suddenly, the teacher walks in and is like... (mocking Scratch, wagging finger) What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be in class?
Plot twist: His teacher happens to actually be Scratch.
Scratch: He made me persistent. He made you too dumb to quit!
NC: And then my idiot friend is like, (mocking Grounder) Duh, I don't know. I thought it started later.
Hey, that’s a pretty good Grounder impresssion, Critic!
Grounder: Yeah, the chase is over!
NC: You make them sound annoying for a reason. (beat) THEY ANNOY YOU!!
NC (vo): There's also a monkey named Coconuts who wants to capture Sonic on his own, often declaring war on the speedy little hedgehog.
Coconuts: I declare open season on hedgehogs!
NC: I don't know why, but this vengeful war-hungry monkey always reminded me of George W. Bush. (Shows Coconuts next to a picture of President Bush.) Maybe it's the cowboy hat. I don't know.
Ah yes, because when I think about a robot monkey wearing a cowboy hat trying to hunt down a blue hedgehog, the image of George W. Bush always springs to my mind. Rumor has it that Coconuts was based on his very likeness.
Coconuts: You can run, but you can't hide, hedgehog!
NC: (imitating George W. Bush) He's got weapons of mass acceleration.
And let's not forget my personal favorite quote from Dubya Bush, “This shit is bananas!”
NC (vo): The way Sonic always gets out of their traps is by running, of course, and putting on several disguises, as the bad guys never seem to realize there's a lot of blue overdressed hedgehogs in the neighborhood recently.
I reckon Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land is exceedingly populated with blue hedgehogs. Very simple yet common mistake.
Sonic: (dressed as a circus ring leader) Don't crowd. Don't push. Admission is free.
(Sonic opens the tent and the bad guys run in, only to fall off a cliff. Sonic walks to the edge to confirm they fell over.)
NC: (sighs) Well, that came out of nowhere.
NC (vo): I love how he actually winks to the audience to point out that it's him under that costume. Because he's such a master of disguise that we really needed the extra hint.
I don’t know about you, but he would’ve had me fooled too.
(Cut to a clip of Sonic with a bad guy robot. Sonic runs up to the robot.)
Sonic: I'm over there.
(Sonic points in opposite direction, the robot looks as Sonic runs away, leaving the robot to scratch his head.)
NC: How does that work?
With all fairness, why even keep questioning the logic of a cartoon that clearly has none whatsoever?
I don't care how stupid you are! If you just say, "I'm over there", nobody's gonna go, "Oh, he's over there!"
Sonic is clearly a master of disguise and deception, so I shouldn’t question that either.
Even the mentally ill aren't that stupid!
And you need to stop bringing mental health into the conversation. If there’s anything more annoying or tedious than the cartoon itself, it’s that.
(Cut to clip of the show, now focusing on the animation.)
NC (vo): Look at this animation, by the way. There is no thought, focus or structure to any of it. This isn't animation, it's fucking doodling. I don't want to watch something that's less entertaining than something I drew on my desk in high school.
Allow me to see your high school desk drawings and then we’ll have this talk on whether or not the animation had less effort put into it.
Sonic: Guess you guys won't be staying for a second show.
NC: (smiling) You got that right.
Since we still have more than half of the review to go through…I’m pretty confident that the Critic is going to eat his own words later on.
NC (vo): So the whole show is pretty much just evil robots trying to set up traps to catch Sonic and how the traps always seem to backfire. Gee, does that sound familiar at all?
(Cut to a screenshot of Wile E. Coyote who brandishes a sign that says "Lame" on it.)
I’m afraid to inform you that Wile E. might be directing this towards you, Critic.
NC (vo): Unlike the Road Runner, though, this show has the misfortune of having people speak; obviously, a very big mistake.
Well, of course. If you take out the whole dialogue aspect of AOSTH, there'd be no point in making it about Sonic when you can just make it about the coyote and Road Runner.
Scratch: Look, here comes the hedgehog! Get ready to nab him!
(Sonic and Tails run towards Scratch and Grounder. A fight cloud erupts.)
Grounder: I got him!
(The smoke clears and Grounder and Scratch are in their own traps.)
Grounder: I thought you had him!
Scratch: I thought you had him!
NC: Oh, God. Tom and Jerry had a plot compared to this.
"You know, this reminds me exactly of those classic dialogue-less cat and mouse cartoons, but way worse!"
NC (vo): As you probably gathered, this show has absolutely no basis or logic or reason,
I know you know! I got it. I got the concept. After all these times you’ve addressed this point, you don’t need to keep hammering it in, but do proceed to tell us why you think a show that has no basis or logic or reason drives you up the wall because of its illogicality.
but there are just really some things that go beyond the boundaries of comprehension.
(Cut to another scene of the show with Sonic and Tails napping under a tree.)
A blue hedgehog and a two-tailed fox...napping under a tree!? Blasphemy! Nonsense beyond the bounds of comprehension!
NC (vo): Like watch this scene as they try to setup yet another trap.
(Grounder comes around the corner and blows into his hand to produce in his other a pumpkin.)
NC: (VERY confused) What?!?! Pumpkin?!?!? P-pumpkin?!?!? What?!?!? What?!?!?! What?!? (beat) Pumpkin, what??!?!
I take it that you’ve never seen or heard of a pumpkin before?
NC (vo): I DON'T CARE WHAT DRUG-INDUCED LAND YOU'RE IN, you cannot blow in your hand and come up with a pumpkin.
I don’t know about you, but I would like to able to blow into my hand and make a pumpkin appear.
How did you even come to that conclusion?!
Honestly, I think the bigger question here is why of all ideas for a plan to catch a speedy blue hedgehog, why did Grounder come up with blowing into his drill for a hand and making a pumpkin? But then again, it’s Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. OF COURSE it’s not going to make sense. The pure nonsense of Alice in Wonderland would’ve given you a heart attack.
NC: I mean, what's next? He's gonna blow into his hand and a beautiful woman is gonna come out?!
(...Which Scratch, pulling a string on his hand, then proceeds to actually do, which actually does look quite disturbing. NC is just as stunned as before.)
NC: WHAAAAAAAA...?!
Hey, you asked if he could blow into his hand and make a woman and you got your answer.
NC (vo): How can you blow into your hand and make a woman?!
Why are you even chasing hedgehogs if you could blow into your hand and make a woman?!
I suppose any other job in Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land that offers payment to employees who can blow into their hands to make a woman don’t pay well enough as Dr. Robotnik does, and yet he verbally abuses his two robot henchmen every time they mess up. And besides, you got to take advantage of a hedgehog’s horniness somehow…
It does NOT ADD UP!
NC: My God! How do you even advertise a show like this? I mean, what did the commercials look like?
What didn’t the commercials look like? That’s the shorter answer!
(The opening is shown with the Critic narrating over it.)
NC (vo): Hey, kids! Ren and Stimpy making too much sense for ya?
You know, that comparison actually isn’t so far off once you notice that some of the people who worked on R&S also happened to have once upon a time worked on this show in particular after Games Animation took over production on R&S, including Vincent Waller, who worked as a storyboard artist on AOSTH.
Then put on The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. You'll love this cosmic out-of-body raping of your senses. It's like a Japanese show in English, only you still have no idea what's going on.
I can tell why this ad was never approved for television.
You must be at least this high to watch.
(A picture of Chester A. Bum is shown when the Critic says "this high.")
So in other words, in other to be able to enjoy AOSTH, you must be an actual Nostalgia Critic character. Gotcha.
NC (vo): One of the running jokes, I guess, is that Sonic always has a thing for chili dogs.
Running gag? Do you mean character trait?
Tails: Where are we?
Sonic: A long way from the nearest chili dog stand. Two chili dogs to go!
Tails: Can we find some more chili dogs?
Sonic: Two dozen chili dogs.
Coconuts: You've munched your last chili dog!
Sonic: ...buy chili dogs from that guy.
NC: You know, at least with other cartoons, there's some sort of rhyme or reason:
I think the reasoning here is that Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land has more chili dog stands than people.
Bugs Bunny with carrots, Winnie-the-Pooh and honey...a blue hedgehog, and chili dogs? What's the connection?
Yeah, you’re right! We need to go back to when food preferences of cartoon characters used to make sense, like fat orange cat and lasagnas….and radioactively super-powered teen-aged turtles and pizzas, and uhhhh….a Peruvian bear and marmalade sandwiches…? Okay, so they didn’t always make sense back then, but the fact of the matter is that the show needs to make a blue hedgehog’s love for chili dogs make sense!
Oh, and by the way, carrots aren’t usually the favorite food of rabbits. That would be cabbage. Excuse my pedantry, but it’s true.
NC (vo): My guess is it's what gives him his supersonic speed, that is to say I'm sure he's fast on his feet, but nothing can breathe fire like a gas-producing bean product that makes you want to shit more than a Metamucil cocktail.
Now that wasn’t so hard to come up with logic or reason for a show without any of it, was it?
Sonic: Gotta roll, troll!
NC (vo): Even in the realm of its own insanity, it doesn't make any sense.
Okay, but didn’t we already have this conversation with the drill-handed robot blowing into his hand and propping up a pumpkin and with a robot chicken blowing into his hand and making a woman?
Like, look at this scene when they're trapped in a cage and there's a trapdoor slowly opening up.
Sonic: Aaaah!
NC: First of all: TAILS CAN FLY! Why doesn't he just pick up Sonic and lift him off the ground?
...Because they’re trapped in a cage? And because Tails has limited flight, like in the games?
NC (vo): Second: Are you seriously telling me that you can't fit through those bars? You could drive a fucking pickup truck through those giant gaps!
If the pickup truck was as thin as a rail, then sure.
Sonic: Don't you realize the terrible villain is about to destroy this entire place-
Mole: Nope. Don't pay no never mind to current events.
Sonic: Maybe you should consider a career in politics.
NC (vo): Oh, come on! I've seen Fruity Pebbles commercials funnier than this.
Maybe you should consider a career in politics.
NC: This is torture! This is madness!
(A clip of the film 300 is shown).
King Leonidas (voiced by NC): THIS! IS! SONIC!
‘Member when was this meme was repeated to death in the late 2000s? Pepperidge Farm ‘members!
NC (vo): And just when you think you've seen the lamest part of the show, Sonic actually has a moral to teach at the end, 'cause I really want a blue hedgehog who eats chili dogs to be my children's teacher.
…
...Yeah, I may have to agree with you on that.
Tails: We're surrounded, Sonic. Call 911!
Sonic: No way, Tails. This is nothing. 911 is for real emergencies.
As much as I’d appreciate that you’re saying ACAB, Sonic, that shouldn't be the appropriate time for you to say it.
NC: (imitates Sonic) That's right, kids. Don't call 911 if you're being attacked by people who want to kill or kidnap you. Only call for important things, like if the cable goes out and you can't watch The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog. That's what's important!
NC (vo): But even the messages are weird. I mean, there's the usual stuff, like learn to share and eat your veggies, but some of these are just...strange.
Sonic: Believe it or not, every year, some ignorant kid takes a ride in a clothes dryer just like this one. If you think it's smart to climb in a dryer, you're really all wet.
NC: ...Really? Kids climbing in the dryer is such a national problem that they had to devote the entire end of an episode to that?
Were you expecting Sonic to do a PSA about the horrific consequences of war? Just google ‘kids hiding in dryer deaths’ and you’ll be somewhat surprised to know that such a preventable issue still occurs at any given time.
You know what? Given the intelligence of the people who watched this show, this is probably a good thing to teach.
Is it a first world problem? Sure. But it’s still a real safety issue that may have needed to be addressed so the viewers get the impression that the wacky blue hedgehog cartoon can teach them something important and that they don’t have to be dumb as bricks to enjoy it. When the cartoon has the decency to show that it has some ounce of intellect, even if the PSAs themselves were clearly mandated, you got to give it some credit for that.
Because my guess is that when they're not trying to operate heavy machinery with their BUTTCHEEKS...
NC (vo): ...they're probably trying to do something stupid like this!
With the way you’re consistently touting around your own high IQ in comparison to AOSTH’s general stupidity, don’t you think it would’ve taken you up until this point for you to come to the realization that this cartoon was not really meant to be taken all that seriously, let alone to put a heavy emphasis on ‘BUTTCHEEKS’?
NC: I mean, what else could you possibly teach that would be as stupid as that?!
Sonic: Even you can learn something from a sloth.
(NC nervously stares for a few seconds, then snaps, pulls out a gun and shoots the characters.)
...I’m guessing he really doesn’t like sloths very much.
NC: FUCK THIS SHOW! (Shoots at Sonic and his head is blown off) FUCK THIS SHOW! (Shoots at Tails)
This is what we need gun control laws for, people – Sonic Sez!
FUCK THIS SHOW! (Shoots Scratch)
I don’t think a bullet from a gun is what kills a robot.
(He shoots Dr. Robotnik, then proceeds to shoot some more while repeating the line, before “Who Gives-A-Shit Land”
(*ACKSHUALLY, THE SETTING IS NAMED MOBIUS-)
is briefly seen before completely exploding!)
At least he had the decency to spare Grounder from the whole bloodbath?
NC: This is crazy! In every possible meaning of the word!
But you shooting all of its characters to death is supposed to be comparatively normal?
Nothing about this show makes sense! It's PURE BULLSHIT!
Bullshit...in Who-Gives-a-Shit-Land? Whouda thunk?
NC (vo): It's the kind of movie they would show Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange to break his mind!
You call it torture, but given how you framed it, I’m not quite sure how it would be considered as anything other than just nonsensical brain rot. So no, I’m sure Malcolm McDowell or, ahem, Alex DeLarge, would consider this tame.
(Cut to a scene from A Clockwork Orange, with Alex tied to his seat, eyes wide open, with the intro to the Sonic show seen in them.)
Alex DeLarge: Aaaah, stop it, stop it, please! I beg you!
Critic Sez – Watching The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog is a higher form of torture than being waterboarded!
(Cut to a promo picture featuring the cast of Sonic SatAM.)
For the love of Christ, please don’t shoot them too, critic of nostalgia.
NC (vo): Now if you can believe it, there was actually another show about Sonic that came out the exact same time. They even got the same actor, Jaleel White, to play the lead. Because one Sonic show wasn't enough to piss us off, I guess. The show was called Sonic the Hedgehog, but later got the name Sonic SatAM. Why? Because it came on Saturday mornings, I guess.
That is true, but the ‘SATAM’ was originally coined by the fanbase iirc, so people wouldn’t mistake it for, well...the other Sonic cartoon.
Now, isn't that kind of stupid? Isn't that like calling the title of a show "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - Eastern Standard Time"?
You mean I’ve been saying the title of the TMNT series wrong the whole time?
Look, I know it's customary to release the show after some time has gone by, but within the same fucking year?
NC: That's as crazy as the rest of the bullshit I've had up with today! Well, forget it! I give up! I don't even wanna think about the idea of this show procreated. There's no way in Hell that any show connected to this character can possibly be good! I am done...done...DONE!
Given how much the other Sonic cartoon rot your brain well enough to appreciate the adventures of a talking blue hedgehog, I suppose you can’t be trusted with the other one.
(We then suddenly see the opening to Sonic the Hedgehog, while Critic looks more and more excited as it progresses, also being moved to tears at one point.)
Oh wait, I forgot, there's still more of this review.
Singer: ♫ Sonic! He can really move! / Sonic! He's got an attitude! Sonic! He's the fastest thing alive! He's the fastest thing alive! He's the fastest thing alive! ♫
I know Sonic is fast and all, but I wouldn’t call this such an eye-opener that I would be moved to tears over it.
(A triumphant chorus is heard as NC raises his hands in surprise and joy.)
NC: Effort! Honest to God effort!
Well, uh...that’s quite the unexpected turnaround. Seeing how much venom this critic was spewing towards the other Sonic cartoon, I wouldn’t have expected his heart to grow three sizes at that moment.
(A clip from Nine to Five, showing a door opening to a bright light, is shown, and the title screen of “Sonic the Hedgehog” fades in place.)
NC (vo): I mean, talk about the complete opposite. This show takes a relatively bright, plotless video game story
As far as I’m concerned, the original trilogy of games did have a plot, but since you’re happy talking about Sonic for once...do proceed.
and turns it into a dark, edgy, and actually kind of epic show. Its setting was stylish, its plotlines developed, its characters surprisingly complex, but surely, you can’t take something as silly-looking as Robotnik and make him the least bit intimida-
(A clip of an angry-looking Doctor Robotnik from the show suddenly appears with his eyes glowing red.)
NC (vo): Jesus! Man, even Robotnik is cool. In fact, he may be one of the coolest villains ever. Just listen to that kick-ass voice.
Note that the voice actor is Jim Cummings, the Critic is not aware of this.
Thank you once again, transcript writer, for the extra information that isn’t necessarily relevant to the review.
Doctor Robotnik: Ooh, that’s good. That’s very good indeed.
NC (vo): It’s like he’s orgasming on every word he says.
Now we know why he’s named Jim Cummings. ...Sorry, that was bad.
Robotnik: A very nice touch. Well, well, well. This is good.
NC: (imitating Robotnik) Ooh. that’s good. That’s very good. Oh, wait, wait, wait. Lower. Lower. Lower! (makes a face that looks like he just had an orgasm) Oh, that’s just delicious!
Robotnik: It warms the cockles of my heart.
NC: Okay. The less I know about your cockles, the better.
Yeah, I don’t want to know about his…burrowing bivalve mollusks either.
NC (vo): Still, this was a pretty nasty bad guy. Certainly a lot different from (shows a clip from The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog, causing NC to sigh) that other show.
The difference between the two Robotniks may be night and day, but I won’t accept any slander for Long John Baldry.
(Cut back to "Sat AM") The story is actually inventive, too. Unlike the other show where Robotnik's trying to take over the world, in this show, he pretty much already has. Everything is robotocized. The city, the animals, everything. And it’s just Sonic and a secret group of freedom fighters who try to stop this industrial takeover and bring the green back to the forest.
NC: Wait, wait, wait, wait. I can’t comprehend this. An environmental message that’s… subtle? (This word appears onscreen. The Shock Horror sting plays.)
Oh my god, I can't believe this!
NC (vo): Yes, apparently, there is subtlety in this Sonic cartoon unlike (shows another clip from “Adventures” and sighs) that other show.
I mean...if you were expecting subtlety from AOSTH, you might’ve been expecting way too much from it.
(Cut back to “Sat AM”) Sonic’s not alone in this battle, though. He has a team of animals that are kind of like the Care Bears, Ewoks, and Smurfs all rolled into one. If you gave them weapons. You got Tails, of course, but thankfully, he’s kind of downplayed. The other characters are Antoine, a cowardly Frenchman...
Antoine: I am hating to be a, oh, how you say, such a worry-worm, but this terrible place it’s- it’s not so good for our health. We go home, yes?
NC: (imitating Antoine) In fact, why don’t we just surrender? ‘Cause that’s all we French know how to do, right? Surrender, make love, and be unbelievably snooty. Now where’s my French beret, accordion, twirly mustache, and striped shirt? (beat)
...Oh shoot, the camera is still rolling! Quick, list some more imaginary French stereotypes!
A-Jerry Lewis.
A-Jerry Lewis was definitely my favorite Sonic character.
NC (vo): A half-animal, half-machine named Bunnie Rabbot...yeah, I know. I hate the pun, too.
Bunnie Rabbot: And the big, ugly old wolf says “The better to see y’all with my dear.”
Tails: That wolf is nasty, huh, Bunnie?
Bunnie: Nasty as a one-eyed snake sugar.
NC (vo; imitating Bunnie): I wish I had a one-eyed snake come after me. Too bad my vagina eats people. What, with it being robotocized and all.
...Uh, sure, if that’s the kind of furry fantasy that you’re into, I won’t judge you for that.
NC (vo): And last but not least, Princess Sally, the face that launched a thousand furries.
Aaaand speak of the devil, from the utterance of Bunnie Rabbot’s vagina eating people and being down bad for a one-eyed snake to admittedly being self-aware of people lusting over Sally Acorn, it sure does seem like there’s something that the Critic just isn’t telling us.
What’s a furry, you may ask? Um, long touchy story.
Well, I certainly wasn’t expecting this review to transition from critiquing a cartoon starring a blue hedgehog to becoming a straight-up furry fandom lecture. If that’s how you want to cook, then I’ll let you cook.
(Clips from Critic’s Space Jam review play) Let’s just say in my Space Jam review when I said there weren’t people out there who’d wanted to fuck bunnies, I was wrong.
NC: Turns out I was the one who wanted to fuck bunnies!
(Back to “SatAM”) Oh, okay, that’s a harsh generalization. But from what I can tell, it’s people who are fascinated by half-animal, half-human creatures. But for some reason, centaurs are never on there. What’s up with that?
Just keep doing your own research and you’ll find a sizable group of people who would have a fixation towards centaurs too...unless you want to come forward and say that you’re part of that fandom, which yeah, once again, I won’t judge.
NC: What do you got against the centaurs, huh? Are you anti-“centites”? Huh? HUH?!
Not sure if I’m supposed to pronounce that as ‘anti-cen-tites’ or ‘anti-cen-titties.’
NC (vo): I don’t know. But either way, I found out this character has kind of a cult following. But here’s my question: if she’s a princess, where’s the king?
I think the better question is ‘Where’s the queen?’ Wherever the king is though, I’m sure he’ll be back with the milk later on.
They talk about him sometimes, but they mostly hint at the fact that he’s probably dead. So shouldn’t she be in charge now?
Sally: I know he’s alive. I just don’t know where.
NC: You’re not really a princess! You just took the title ‘cause it sounds cute! Take some authority! You’re a queen! Queen it up, bitch!
She would probably have to wait until she’s old enough to marry first, though.
They all don’t have to look like Elizabeth II; you can still be pretty. But start moving forward and take some responsibility! The furries will respect you for it.
Okay, but I just don’t think Sally would want your respect, though.
NC (vo): This is a really cool-looking world, too. It’s very gritty and harsh, with more threatening robotic minions, unlike (shows clip from “Adventures”) THAT OTHER SHOW!
If it’s of any consolidation, the AOSTH robots can blow into their hands and make a woman. Can the robots from this show do that?
(Back to “SatAM”) In fact, these settings are so detailed, I keep thinking that they stumbled onto a Star Wars movie half the time.
(Sally jumps down from a landing.)
Darth Vader: (from The Empire Strikes Back) The Force is with you…but you are not a Jedi yet.
Darth Vader: With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy. The furries will respect you for it.
NC (vo): But perhaps the biggest upset for most people is the last episode. Not because it was so bad, but because it was too good. Robotnik creates a doomsday device, half the freedom fighters are captured, Sonic and Sally discover some sort of ultimate power; they destroy the device, wipe out the city, Robotnik retreats forever, his wormy sidekick escapes in a pod, Sonic and Sally confess their love for each other, and they all live happily ever after…
I never had a problem with it, but I do now that you’ve spoiled it for me. I’ve been meaning to watch it with fresh eyes, but now I can’t anymore. Thanks a lot.
NC: Or do they?!
Snively: (laughs) Well, don’t celebrate too soon, hedgehog. Now, it’s my turn, and I’m not alone!
(A pair of red eyes comes out from the darkness).
NC: Holy shit! What is that?! Oh, my God! I can’t wait for the next episode! What the hell’s gonna happen?!
("Cancelled" appears on the screen in bright red letters.)
NC: (pauses) FUCK YOU!!!!!!!! (Starts shaking uncontrollably)
Steel: Yeah...I know that feeling, man.
NC (vo): Why is it video game spinoffs never learn? (Shows clips from the original Super Mario Bros. movie and Mortal Kombat to demonstrate his point.) Leaving us on a cliffhanger doesn’t guarantee a sequel. It just pisses us off. And even if you do have a sequel, it doesn’t always mean that it’s gonna be good. Just be self-contained. (Footage of “Sonic SatAM”) Oh, well. That being said, this really was a great show. In fact, it’s actually better than I remember it. Maybe I should have put it somewhere on the Top 11 Animated Nostalgic TV Shows, just consider it the number 12 spot, I guess.
Hey, why go one step beyond when you can take two steps?
It literally took nothing and turned it into something.
Look, I don’t care if you didn’t play the original games, but you should’ve at least tried to come to a basic understanding about how it lead to the creation of two Sonic cartoons before saying claiming that there was no takeaway from them.
Unlike (footage "Adventures"; sighs disgustedly) THAT OTHER FUCKING SHOW!
NC: They took nothing and turned it into even less than nothing! In fact, you know what it’s like? It’s like two students who turned in two separate projects for a class.
NC: (now wearing his tie and just a T-shirt and sounding calm and respectful) Hey, there, teach. Here’s my project. (Footage of "Sonic SatAM") I tried to add as much character and psychological development as possible, given the guidelines. But, I think I came up with a pro-environmental show that will actually make kids enjoy the forest without, you know, shoving it in their faces.
NC: (back to Critic with his normal clothes on) Well, this is very well put together. Strong story, good character, working beyond the material given to you. A+.
(Title card of "Sonic Sat AM" shows A+.)
NC: Now where’s my other student, Fuckup McDumbass?
If that’s the name their parents actually gave them, then I would feel pretty bad.
NC: (This time he sounds obnoxious and his clothes are all messed up) Hey, teach! Here’s my project. (Footage of The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog) And it’s awesome! It’s got a lot of running! A lot of… chili dogs! It’s got a monkey, and a chicken, and they just yell all the time, and went blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It’s totally awesome!
NC: (regular clothes and with a pissed off look on his face) McDumbass, did you put any effort into any of this?
Say what you will, but I think Fuckup McDumbass might have a brighter future ahead of him.
NC: (messed clothes) No, I just got high.
(Title card of The Adventures of Sonic the Hedgehog with an F is displayed.)
NC: I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to.
Well…if he’s going to send it off like that, then I might as well do that too. I’m done with the review. See you all next time when I finally riff Season 2 of Guru Gakuto in 2029 or whatever…
Steel: You know how at the end of the review, the Critic compared the two Sonic shows like two separate assignments being handed in to a teacher? The feeling I got from this review is pretty much the same energy, except this feels more like if the Critic handed in a bad critical evaluation essay and was asked to either rewrite the whole paper or add something he liked to compare and contrast to offset the hyperbolic critique he previously gave to the former so he could get a passing grade. In other words, this Nostalgia Critic review wasn’t him at his F-game or at his A-game. It was a definitive C-game type of review.
The underlying issue with the first part of the review is as clear as day – Doug, as his Critic character, took the first Sonic cartoon way too seriously, and that’s when I knew that I was better off not doing the same towards his commentary, because otherwise I’d look like CinemaSins or his Douchey McNitpick character in comparison, and it’s especially baffling when you remember that he went up to bat for Ren & Stimpy, which was its own breed of nonsensical. But then there’s the curveball with his critique of Sonic SATAM, where he praises it up the wazoo, and I think that’s something to admire because we have stereotyped Doug and the Critic before of not mustering up the effort or time to find the appeal of something that he’s generally unfamiliar with or look at it from a fan’s perspective. You’d expect Doug to not understand Sonic in any shape or form when he was so closed-minded towards the other Sonic cartoon, but he still praised it, and by making some solid points. Is it obvious why the NC’s approach to reviewing these two shows the way it was? I mean, yeah, one (AOTSH) was clearly made for the younger kids while the other (SATAM) was intended for the older kids. And maybe the review would’ve been handled better if Doug fully grasped that notion.
On the other hand though, a part of the Critic’s charm back then was, even if it was absolutely dumb and ridiculous of him to be viscerally angry over a cartoon that wasn’t for him, Doug still made that unbridled anger entertaining because of how hyperbolic his reactions were. Now, of course, the review had its fair share of edgy jokes that clearly did not age well (like I’d say, 2009 was a different time), but still, they are far from Doug’s biggest boners as the Nostalgia Critic. And suppose he was just only hamming it up, then I’d still say that’s no excuse for veering off-course from the review aspect of the, well...review. I can come to the basic understanding of why AOSTH had its fans and how it found its place in the zeitgeist of internet memes, there’s no believing that this cartoon is so incomprehensibly insane that it could “break” him.
The biggest takeaway from this review, however, is that even with the Critic as his more tolerable self, it’s still fun to make fun of the Nostalgia Critic and he’s still worth plenty of material for riffing. Is this the last time that I’ll ever engage with anything NC-related? Probably not. In fact, I feel like I might become comfortable enough to revisit his old reviews at some later point in time, granted if Doug doesn’t take a more critical blow to his rep than he did from the #ChangeTheChannel drama. For the time being, this is where my NC retrospective journey really ends. With that out of the way now, CBC3 will continue with the last batch of Guru Gakuto episodes later this year.
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"Squidward Commits Tax Evasion" was my favorite of the season.
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December 30th, 2005. That was the day one anonymous Wikipedia user edited the SpongeBob episode list page to include twelve seasons worth of episode titles. In the real world, this was met by later removal, but in any other world, they were removed because as it would turn out...it was a confidential leak. All of the titles for the supposed new SpongeBob episodes would turn out to be real. This is just a look what SpongeBob fans would be expecting for the next several years:
Episode 22: What If… the fake Wikipedia SpongeBob episodes actually existed?
Season 4, Episode 69(nice)b. DJ Patrick: As another one of Mr. Krabs’ money-making schemes, he starts a music venue in the restaurant with Patrick as his DJ. As another one of his attempts to end Krabs’ business, Plankton makes his own DJ set and uses mind-controlling music to steal away his customers, but the counteraction of Patrick’s brain rot DJ-ing would save the day. Mr. Krabs would then fire him after receiving the bill for the live music expenses.
Season 4, Episode 72b. SpongeBob Joins Guns N' Roses: Guest starring Axl Rose as a fish version of himself, Guns N’ Roses visit the Krusty Krab to announce their auditions for a new member. SpongeBob would be the one to impress them the most, but his hopes of playing a huge role in Guns N’ Roses would be dashed due to Axl Rose Fish being a difficult person to work with. Although the episode was made to promote their upcoming album Chinese Democracy, the album would end up being delayed for two more years after the episode aired.
Season 4, Episode 76. Spongebob in the BBC: Sandy’s bosses return to Bikini Bottom to inform Sandy Cheeks that she is invited to a tour of the British Broadcasting Corporation headquarters, for talks of holding rights to document her journey as a squirrel scientist living underwater, and that she was allowed to bring a guest. Sandy chooses to bring along SpongeBob, but soon regrets her judge of character as SpongeBob wreaks havoc every which way. The special also stars Patchy, whose plot revolves around trying to meet his idol who was said to be making an appearance at the BBC. The special would end with Patchy being banned by the British government.
Season 4, Episode 80b. Rock-a-Bye Bivalve II: Junior's Return: In this Season 4 finale, SpongeBob and Patrick’s adopted clam child, Junior, makes a surprise return with a family of his own. In need of a place to live, Junior and his family settle in SpongeBob and Patrick’s houses, but they both grow aggravated with their mooching and so they proceed to make steamed clams out of them. Junior escapes his family’s murder, and now he seeks revenge.
Season 5, Episode 85. A Taste for Turkey: After being introduced to the concept of Thanksgiving, Mr. Krabs ropes his two employees SpongeBob and Squidward into hunting down the elusive zebra turkeyfish in order for their restaurant to put turkey sandwiches on their menu. During this misadventure, SpongeBob and co. learn about the true meaning of Thanksgiving. Also, Patchy’s in this episode and his pet parrot Potty ruins everything.
Season 5, Episode 86b. Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy VIII: The Bunions are Missing: After seven episodes decided to the two famous superheroes, it would be no surprise that the creative team would lose steam. Hence, we are given an episode about Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy trying to get back the stolen bony bumps that appear on the side of their big toes. Some say that this concept was originally requested by Dan Schneider, but little information exists supporting that claim. So stop asking.
Season 5, Episode 88a. Time & Space: Time & Space is the second studio album and major label debut by the American punk rock band Turnstile. It was released on February 23, 2018, through Roadrunner – the band's debut on the label. It is the first studio album t-
Season 5, Episode 89a. Who Shot Mr. Krabs?: Mr. Krabs’ plan to monopolize the Krusty Krab and dismantle every other business in the ocean causes a stir, the cheapskate would get shot, leading up to the citizens of Bikini Bottom all being billed as suspects until the case is solved. It would later be revealed that Patrick, who isn’t quite smart enough to use a gun, is Mr. Krabs’ assailant.
Season 5, Episode 96a. Back to 11th Grade (formerly Back to 5th Grade): After watching a commercial for the Gerber Life Grow-Up Plan, Mr. Krabs informs his two employees that he never actually finished the 5th grade- wait, hold on, that’s the episode’s original draft. Anyways, Mr. Krabs reveals he never finished his high school education and stopped after 11th grade. Because he needs to graduate in order to make more money, Krabs passes off as a high schooler and attempts to climb the top of the social ladder to succeed in his elaborate get rich quick scheme.
Season 5, Episode 100. 100 Episode Special (The Texas' Old Times): In SpongeBob’s 100th episode milestone celebration spectacular…it’s a clip show. For the rest of the episode, Sandy tries to detail her personal and internal history of Texas to her friends, but they would cue flashbacks from older episodes as the pieces of Texas history somehow overlap with their personal histories. The episode wasn’t well-received at first, especially due to Patchy the Pirate’s inclusion, but it would be later be vindicated years later after fans acquiesced that it would still be better than seeing an hour long special where the characters are stuck inside the Krusty Krab’s air vents.
Season 6, Episode 102a. SpongeBob Swallows NoName (sic): SpongeBob swallows No Name for no given reason. Due to the treatment that the blue jellyfish received in this episode, he would request his own spin-off series under his own name (or rather under his lack thereof).
Season 6, Episode 106b. Patrick and Squidward Reach Nervana: Squidward and Patrick get lost in the middle of nowhere and are forced to rely on each other if they’re going to find their way to the promised land, or Nervana as they would call it. Nirvana was rumored to be a guest feature in this episode, but the misreading of the episode title’s supposedly intentional typo proved otherwise.
Season 6, Episode 111. Patrick for President: Patrick decides to run for president of Bikini Bottom, with Larry the Lobster as his opponent. Larry fails to garner interest in his campaign as Patrick wins in a 50 city-state landslide. Tensions would rise as Larry refuses to concede and declares that the campaign was rigged in Patrick’s favor. In less than a week after Patrick’s leadership would turn out to be a disaster, he would end up getting himself assassinated. He gets better though and surrenders his job to his VP – Mr. Seaweed Monster Man.
Season 6, Episode 115. The SpongeBob Jimmy Power Hour: After The Jerkinator proved that two FOP and Jimmy Neutron crossovers were enough, a course correction would be made for Jimmy Neutron to cross paths with the world of SpongeBob. Together, SpongeBob and Jimmy Neutron would vow to stop the evil plots being wrought by the most powerful villain duo yet…Dr. Sydney Moist and Squilliam Fancyson.
Season 7, Episode 125a. Jump off a Cliff Day: SpongeBob sees Patrick falling off a cliff, to which he asks the reason for it. Patrick tells him that it’s Jump Off a Cliff Day and SpongeBob spreads the word all across Bikini Bottom. The episode ends with everyone jumping off a cliff.
Season 7, Episode 129b. TimmyBob TurnerPants: In this definitely not contractually-obligated crossover special between The Fairly OddParents and SpongeBob, Timmy wishes he lived underwater and later finds himself in Bikini Bottom…but merged with SpongeBob’s body. Their disastrous wishing to fix the mess causes King Neptune and Jorgan Von Spangle...Jordan Van Strudel...Jargen Von...fuck it- to join forces and poof Timmy and his fairies back to Dimmsdale. SpongeBob and co. would not remember a single thing that happen in those 11 minutes as their memories would be wiped afterwards.
Season 7, Episode 130b. Pudding: Due to the series’s animation budget beginning to dwindle at this point, this episode in particular is a whole 11 minutes worth of SpongeBob eating pudding and nothing else.
Season 8, Episode 155a. Mermaid Man and Barnicle Boy XII: The Litigious Society Sues: In this twelfth Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy feature, the two superheroes are sued by the citizens of Bikini Bottom, and they have since ruled to live in a society without superheroes. In an attempt to overturn the newly appointed law, SpongeBob and Patrick free every villain that MM & BB had ever faced.
Season 8, Episode 158. SpongeBob Meets Patchy: Patchy musters up the effort to try and find his idol by trying to find Bikini Bottom. After a long, arduous journey of hope, heartbreak, and pickled garlic, the pirate gets what he wants before telling SpongeBob that he must go. Patchy died on his way back to Encino, but he would return to host the Season 10 episode “Nerd Year’s Eve” in the afterlife.
Season 8, Episode 160a. Hip-Hop Krabs (formerly The Trouble with Pennies): After reading a magazine about how the hip-hop culture rewards the luxurious lifestyle of the rich and famous, Mr. Krabs decides to appropriate the culture he was exposed to and begins his life as the rhyme-busting, dime-dusting, gangsta MC – Masta Crustartisan for short.
Season 8, Episode 160b. Krusty Krab: Out of Business: But of course, because no one was really on-board with Mr. Krabs’ stint as a rapping crab, the Krusty Krab loses most of its customers and was veering right towards bankruptcy. In order to save his business, SpongeBob organizes as many people in Bikini Bottom to hold hands (and fins) together and sing a heartfelt cover of “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” in order to raise money.
Season 9, Episode 162b. Squidward's Urine: In one of the...erm, most unconventional episodes ever written in the series, the plot focuses on Squidward needing to take a piss after drinking too much tea. The episode ends with Squidward pissing on the moon.
Season 9, Episode 165b. Gary's Feces: Gary defecates in SpongeBob’s house, and the talking sea sponge spends the rest of the episode marveling Gary’s bodily excrement. This episode, alongside “Squidward’s Urine,” would of course later be banned from broadcast.
Season 9, Episode 168b. Rock-a-Bye Bivalve III: The Revenge of Junior Again: Junior plots revenge on SpongeBob and Patrick once again after turning over to the dark side. Junior hits everyone on the head with a coconut so no one could try to stop him. Unfortunately for him, his two adoptive parents would have the high ground. Junior then falls in lava, never to be seen again. SpongeBob and Patrick return to their normal lives now that Junior’s reign of terror has ended – or so they think…
Season 10, Episode 181b. San Jose Gets It: Sandy gets invited to an undersea exhibition curating the scientific wonders of San Jose, California. SpongeBob and Patrick want to come, but Sandy tells them that they ‘wouldn’t get it.’ Of course, that wouldn’t stop them from trying. However, what they saw in at the exhibition was beyond their comprehension – there was a sea monkey cross-breeding with a sea armadillo, a fish downing a bottle of olive oil and cooking himself on the griddle, a farmer milking lemon juice from a scorpion, and the walls would ooze hot acid. Then, of course, the whole exhibition would blow up. SpongeBob and Patrick ask Sandy if they understood or learned anything important from this whole anecdote, to which Sandy answered ‘No, but San Jose gets it.’
Season 10, Episode 198a. Back to Tentacle Acres: Squidward returns to the place he had been banned from after taking notice of a reappearance from the turkey sandwich that a certain octopus heard better comebacks from. After one too many snappy comebacks had thrown Tentacle Acres into chaos, there was only one thing for him to do to save the people that he quite frankly didn’t owe anything to. He ate the sandwich. Then he went back home.
Season 10, Episode 198b. Rock-a-Bye Bivalve IV: Worldly Power: Because the series clearly needed four plotlines based on the one particular Season 3 episode, Junior is up to his villainous schemes once again and threatens worldly power by taking a career in politics. The citizens of Bikini Bottom would become absolute suckers for Junior’s political grift while SpongeBob and Patrick tried to heed their warnings that Junior was going to bring about an end to all of Bikini Bottom, but because the very previous episode dealt with a nefarious turkey sandwich, they wouldn’t take them seriously. So, SpongeBob and Patrick decided that they would have to utilize their greatest weapon yet – family therapy.
Season 11, Episode 201b. Mrs. Squidward: Season 11 starts with a special episode voted on by viewers on what the writers should do to make Squidward happy. It is later revealed that the nicest thing Squidward received in the episode was a life.
Season 11, Episode 202a. The Krusty Sponge: After a food critic raves about SpongeBob's cooking, Mr. Krabs makes him the focal point of the Krusty Krab restaurant. The next day, Mr. Krabs begins selling yellow patties, replacing the Krabby Patties. The new brand makes the customers sick, and Mr. Krabs is ordered to the court. Yeah, definitely not a real SpongeBob episode whatsoever. ...Wait, what do you mean this one is actually real?-
Season 11, Episode 204b. Mrs. Squidward II: Yes, they’re doing this again because the network asked for more of these, apparently. Squidward got a life, but what’s next? Without rhyme or reason, Squidward gets abducted by anchovy aliens, leading up to Mrs. Squidward to come to his rescue.
Season 12, Episode 221b. Mrs. Squidward III: As a surprise guest collaboration with The Nostalgia Critic, the episode in its entirely is portrayed as a sketch masquerading as a review of a semi-non-existent episode. Squidward loses the love of his life that he had achieved and now comes to Black SpongeBob and Sexy Sandy Cheeks for their help to win her back, in typical romcom shenanigans.
Season 12, Episode 226b. Mrs. Squidward IV: Due to the SpongeBob staff not having the budget or interest to make a fourth Mrs. Squidward, they instead made the episode an 11 minute still image of a jar of seahorse radish. While this sudden shift in direction was heavily criticized at first, it would later be considered a subversive masterpiece.
Season 12, Episode 233. Sponge to the Future: For the series finale, SpongeBob finds a time-traveling DeLorean in the parking lot of the Krusty Krab and takes himself to the past – specifically, nine years before the list of imaginary SpongeBob episodes was leaked on Wikipedia. Special guest stars Michael J. Fox and Christopher Lloyd make an appearance as their respective characters to warn SpongeBob that all of the previous events from December 30, 2005 onwards will cease to exist if he rewrites the past.
However, it was too late. When SpongeBob returned, everything he knew about his own show never happened in the rewritten timeline (well, save for The Krusty Sponge). Wanting to prove to the world what he had experienced was true, he anonymously edited the SpongeBob episode list Wikipedia page with the full list of episode titles for twelve seasons worth of material, including the episode detailing his encounter with Marty McFly and Doc Brown, which would not be rediscovered until years later by a fraction of the SpongeBob fandom, including a website that calls themselves The SpongeBob Community. All this time, they never knew that he was the one who made that historical edit.
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There’s plenty of other episodes with their own stories to be retold, but now you all know the whole story behind these non-existent SpongeBob episodes, as they were all a result of an apparent time paradox. Chances are, this incident may have altered our own timeline. I’m Ric Flair, and this is Conspiracy Theory.
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Some Other Djinn
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Read this thread for more details:
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Today...or actually yesterday was the day of my 15th year of being on SBC, which is quite a lot of time I've been on for a community that I never thought I'd be so attached to, I never left by this point. That's why I felt that I'd actually do a very special commemoration, and it's something that's been on my mind for some odd years. So, i am holding my first (and only) writing competition. From today, until my current set deadline, all willing participants will be able to send me their own drabbles based on all the categories I've come up with. There will be four - yes, four different categories to submit to:
CATEGORY 1:
The Simple Short Story Category
Requirements: Write a short story
Minimum word count required: 200Sounds very self-explanatory, does it? This is a category where everyone is free to write whatever kind of short story as they please, but of course, do mind the word count requirements.
CATEGORY 2:
The Most Committed Writer Category
Requirements: Write a long-form story
Minimum word count required: 1,500Yes, I know the above word count requirement sounds really scary to some, but with all fairness, this is a category for those who are really looking to challenge themselves. The main idea behind this one is to write a decently fleshed-out story. You can make it as short enough for the minimum as you'd like, or make it as long as you'd like.
CATEGORY 3:
And Now, Poetry - by Gary...
Requirements: Write a poem
Minimum word count required: 30This is definitely the most relaxed and easy of the four categories, and all you have to for this one is write poetry. Whether it's traditional poetry, haikus, a story-driven poem, or a simple collection of them, this is where everyone is encouraged to show their poetic side.
CATEGORY 4:
The Steel's Biggest Fan Category
Requirements: Write a story based on one of my own spin-off/fanfic creations
Minimum word count required: 400The concept for this last one may sound like obnoxious ego stroking, I know, but I think some folks might have some fun with this in particular, and brings out the whole 'Steel Sponge' theme of this contest. For this category, participants will write a story based on one of my own stories, may it be the setting, the characters, or both. For a reference guide or ref material on what you'll have to work with, there is a list below with a respective link to my writing.
The list:
SpoilerWith that taken care of, let's go over the basics and the rules of the submission process:
-The deadline for this contest as a whole will be on March 15th. I figured I'd give everyone a long enough window to participate that would be considered fair. Up until that date, submissions will be closed.
-Everyone can submit for all four categories, but only once for each. Of course, and as I should very much address, you don't have to submit for all four categories, and if you wish to submit only for one, that is completely fine.
-If one particular category has only one submission, the participant will win it by default.
-No joke nor troll entries, and no entries that would be deemed inappropriate by the site's standards.
-All submissions will and must be curated in a separate thread that will be posted shortly afterwards.
-I will be the sole judge for each submitted piece.
But of course, I can't sell this for anyone without the prizes/rewards for each winning entry. I may not have staff powers, but here's a few things you may receive:
WINNERS WILL RECEIVE...:
-A specially made pic/icon for the winning author + story
-A free commissioned art piece of your own choice, as drawn by me
-Previews and perhaps also plot reveals for upcoming releases for my own work
-An elephant (actually, scratch that. This is supposed to be a gag prize, so I don't actually have an elephant)
Anyways, there's nothing else left for me to all those who wish participate than with this: take your time, and of course, go out and have fun with your own writing, -
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Well...
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Best song by The Police since "Locked Out of Heaven."
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Day 1: Total Drama Treasure Tour
Day 2: SBC What If's
Day 3: Starting Over
Day 4: SpongeBob SquarePants: Lost in Translation finale
Day 5: Trinity Leaf Pegasus(?)
Day 6: Chemist Bob's Catastrophic Creations Cinema
Day 7: A Member-Hosted Story ContestAnd now...here's the big one - I'm going to host my very own writing contest. Unlike the usual SBC event months, this will be its own separate thing, planned specially for my 15 year milestone. The last story contest on SBC that took place was merely last month during Snowcember, so the details won't be made known until January 24th, one day shy of my anniversary day, but still a reasonable time and day to start it while I making this known now.
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Day 1: Total Drama Treasure Tour
Day 2: SBC What If's
Day 3: Starting Over
Day 4: SpongeBob SquarePants: Lost in Translation finale
Day 5: Trinity Leaf Pegasus(?)
Day 6: Chemist Bob's Catastrophic Creations Cinema
Day 7: ???The one-off special for CBC3, which will feature the Nostalgia Critic, will be posted later this month. I should say in advance though that this will be a rather different approach compared to the Critic Chronicles, which I will clarify within the special itself.
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Day 1: Total Drama Treasure Tour
Day 2: SBC What If's
Day 3: Starting Over
Day 4: SpongeBob SquarePants: Lost in Translation finale
Day 5: Trinity Leaf Pegasus(?)
Day 6: ???
Day 7: ???But um...while I'm still on the topic of neglected stories...
Apologies that this isn't an actual update, but who knows? Maybe it will be TLP's year this time. But in the meantime, I hope you all appreciate the humor towards the Duke Nukem Forever of my writing catalog (or at this rate, may I call it my Winds of Winter?).
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SBC What If's
in SpongeBob's Library
Posted
Episode 38: What If… Lisa Simpson knew what you can do?
Hello, SBCers, this is Lisa Simpson. You’re all wondering why some fictional character with no connections to a SpongeBob fansite should have any business being here, but it has occurred to me just how infamous I am for being a Soapbox Sadie type of character – and it’s gotten to the point that some smartass named Steel Sponge thought it would be really funny to make a meme based on my unsubtle and vague response regarding Apu – a meme that has since evolved into multiple other memes about us.
Well, I’ve had enough. You’ve all had your fun. As for Steel Sponge, I can only hope he will come out of this ghostwritten episode of “What If’s…” feeling trolled, memed, GIF’d, and dare I say pwned. As you all know, the “What can you do?” meme came about when my mom and I condescendingly addressed the audience with “the stare” for bringing into light that Apu’s character was culturally insensitive, and such a serious issue like that couldn’t be addressed then...if at all (There, I said it). A lot of the criticisms were levied against the people behind the scenes who believed The Problem with Apu was an assassination against his character before they backpedaled on their stances and decided to remove him from the show anyway, even though they had made me their mouthpiece.
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If you know me, then you should know that I would have had done things differently. I’ve always been the one to speak up on topical issues. I’m an environmentalist, I’m a firm advocate for animal rights. I relinquished my faith for my country by writing and speaking an essay attacking the American government and exposing Bob Arnold’s bribes. I tried to preach the truth about Jebediah Springfield, but I cut my losses. I should be the least likely to ask the public “What can you do?”
My mom told me some things will have to be addressed at a later date, and I thought why not let that time be now? If you haven’t heard the news yet, the previous showrunner had passed the torch to someone else, which means I now have the free will to let you all in the truth that I’ve never divulged before. The now-former Simpsons showrunner, Al Jean, had forced me to speak on Apu’s behalf in the way he directed me to. You see, all this time, I knew what you could do, or in other words, what they could’ve done differently. No more being vague. No more speaking for my clients. And no more blank-staring at the fourth wall.
So, what can you do? That is the question. They did NOT have to unperson Apu when they initially believed that they shouldn’t be pressured into writing him off. They did NOT have to try to feebly prove their critics wrong only to go take it all back. Sometimes, the best way to address this issue is to not address it at all. It’s not easy to acknowledge political incorrectness while you’re being viewed as someone who’s commits to it, or used to. But if it had to be addressed though…? That’s a different answer.
If the main underlying issue was that Apu’s voice was being provided by someone who wasn’t his color, the least they could’ve done was supply him with the voice of someone of the same race. And this wasn’t an issue just for him, but for multiple other citizens of Springfield as well. Even when this proposal was handed to my clients on a silver platter, they didn’t use the opportunity to bring Apu back, and perhaps portray him in a new, better light.
Hell, if my former client Al Jean wasn’t holding me back while I was more culturally aware than he was, I would’ve made this proposal when this problem was coming to light and I wouldn’t have left Apu out of the deal to give him a new voice. And I wouldn’t have waited until a massive cultural shift took place, namely the George Floyd protests (And no, we did not predict it. So stop saying that we did. I don’t even know how or why they fabricated that picture of me).
These are just some of the things I could’ve done, but was unable to. It keeps me up at night knowing that Apu’s removal was a mistake on my part, because I didn’t do anything to prevent it except stare at the camera. There’s also the one time I said Elon Musk was perhaps the world’s greatest living inventor, another thing about me people refuse to live down. I’m not perfect, and I don’t try to claim that I am. I hope you’re all still reading this and I haven’t lost you. Just know that I’m doing this mainly for my friend Apu, and not because of Steel-
Bart: Hey Lise, are you done rambling yet?
Lisa: Go away, Bart. I’m trying to tell everyone in the SpongeBob Community to stop making memes about us.
Bart: Well, I thought the “What can you do?” meme was funny.
Lisa: I don’t, and if you were aware of the fact that the same community has been meme-ing you to death too, you would feel the same way I do.
Bart: Nah, that meme of me they’ve been repeating was pretty funny too. Grow a sense of humor for once.
Lisa: If that’s how you feel, then go ahead and say the line.
Bart: “I didn’t do it”?
Lisa: No, the other line.
Bart: Oh yeah…that’s right!
Moe: Thank you, Bart. I really needed that today.
Seymour Skinner: Ohohohoho, delightfully devilish Seymour!
Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, you’re an odd fellow, but I must say – you steam a good ham.
Disembodied voice: On September 28th, one will die…
Lisa: ...You see what I meme-MEAN? Are we really just a big joke to the community?
Bart: People have been quoting Steamed Hams for years. We don’t always know when to quit. In fact, our show has been going for nearly 40 years and we still get comments about how it needs to end. The least you can do is embrace these jokes.
Lisa: If at all.
(Lisa and the rest of the Simpsons cast then proceed to stare blankly in front of the camera before Steel Sponge appears on-screen.)
Steel Sponge: That’s right. The jokes may not die, but there are times where I can’t continue providing them. It’s been a wild ride being a part of the What If’s team, but when life gets in the way, you got to do what you got to do. Though this is my last episode as a full member of the crew, I promise to go out on a very special note. So let’s bring everyone here…
(The Simpsons cast, including Apu, the ghosts of Rabbi Krustofsky, Maude Flanders, all previous incarnations of Snowball, and Larry the Barfly are all later joined by Steel, Jjseymour Skinner, Jesse Ventura, SBC’s MrBeast, Guns ‘n’ Roses, the community of San Jose, and former representatives of ViacomountCBSSkydanceKonamiSiliconValleyIKEA...all to partake in a musical finale: “We’ll Meet Again”):
So, remember, before you ask anyone “What can you do?.” consider asking yourself that same question first. I’m Steel Sponge, and this has been another episode of SBC What If’s.