- Popular Post
-
Advertisement
Clappy
-
Posts
18,721 -
Joined
-
Last visited
-
Days Won
258 -
Doubloons
7,053 [ Donate ]
Content Type
Profiles
Forums
Events
Posts posted by Clappy
-
-
Will pull the others from the blogspot vault at some point (the 2020 best list is being a real pain in the butt that I'm just considering linking it instead), but for now, time to ring out 2021 with the first of the lists. The worst hit music of 2021.
This was not a particularly good year to write the worst list. Not because of the content as a whole this year because to be honest, this was a perfectly fine year. I mean it wasn’t 2020, but it was a perfectly decent transition year. But my reasons are quite simple…does music still even matter anymore?
I mean with the way the world has been for the last two years, I ask this question with all serious intent. Because the news of the world just keeps dominating the cultural zeitgeist and topic points to the point that the entertainment that use to distract us from even the worst of yesteryear feels like it is not as existent as it used to be. Even to me, an entertainment buff like myself, I feel less and less wanting to talk about movies and music as much as I use to. They feel more like a chore to me more than a great distraction. And don’t take this as me wanting to stop doing this sort of thing. Not at all. I will always be glad to discuss. But I feel with the way the world is slowly spiraling, that I more or less want to talk about what we can do as a society to turn things around or at least watch in real time every bad mistake that is being made or how incompetent our political system is. Or how even a life-saving vaccine and wanting to be a decent human being and caring for others has turned into becoming a political statement...yeah its quite easy to get pissed off at the world that we are living in.
But alas, the more I focus on how fucked up the world is at the moment, the more cynical I’ve become. And I don’t want to be a cynical old man (I’m not that old I swear). I want to talk about things that make me happy. And despite music being one of the last topics on a lot of people’s minds, I’ve got to admit. This whole niche ecosystem that streaming has made music listening has in fact given us some pretty quality hit music.
As the world starts to open back up again as we are learning to live with the pandemic that has turned our world upside down, we are slowly starting to see more and more of the big names come out of quarantine with new album releases and new music to bring onto us. I’m excited for the future of the music industry, even if it is not as big as it once was.
I mean for god’s sake we have TWO Christmas songs as some of the 100 biggest hits of 2021. That’s a sign that for most of this year, nobody cared to release anything truly worth discussing. I mean the biggest topics of this year were about Olivia Rodrigo’s relationship drama, Morgan Wallen canceling himself right when he was about to be the biggest country music crossover star since Taylor Swift, Lil Nas X trolling conservatives with his clickbait, the power of BTS stans manipulating the charts, and a douche (Kanye) vs a turd sandwich (Drake). Compare that to 2019 where nearly every number one of that year had some sort of thought provoking controversy attached to it. I find it fitting that a good portion of this year was a lot of music that charted in 2020 over 2021 because there were barely any album bombs for a decent while. Don’t look at me. Blame Billboard’s stupid year end tracking system.
But of course, we have to start this list season off with the entry that gets me my most annual hits. The worst list. And despite what I’ve said about 2021 being overall a decent 6/10 year, this is the first time in three years where I had a lot of solid contenders for the worst list. So let's not waste any more time and start things off with the dishonorable mentions.
DISHONORABLE MENTIONS:
Spoiler“Without You” – The Kid LAROI
My apologies to the late Juice WRLD, but his protégé is absolutely awful. I haven’t had such an immediate detestable reaction to someone’s voice this quick since Simple Plan’s Pierre Bouvier. And my god what an absolutely punchable first impression this song was. As the year came to a close, I can’t help but laugh at this more than I do outright hate it. And at least it spawned some pretty funny TikToks over this song’s most quotable line:
“So there you go oh, can’t make a wife out of a hoe.”
You’re right Kid. Go ahead and preach this truth in the most whiny nasally irritable way possible. Oh wait. That’s just because she’s not boning you anymore. Thank god "Stay" is catchy as hell because he would be so high up on my shit list if it wasn't for that.
“Heat Waves” – Glass Animals
I still can’t believe this song lasted around like the fucking plague all year and is just now peaking inside the top ten. I guess there’s a lot more Dream stans out there than I realized. My bad because I honestly just can't understand who would find this song be worthy of anyone's time. Thank god pop-rock came back in a huge swing this year because this is the sort of shit that made tired of the current "alternative rock" scene.
“Whoopty” – CJ
Still as forgettable as the first time I heard it. I would call it Baby’s First Drill Song, but I don’t even think that is fair to babies.
“Beatbox” – SpotemGottem (featuring Pooh Shiesty…or DaBaby…or NLE Choppa…or Polo G…there are one too many remixes)
I don’t get what’s so impressive about this beat that required like one million remixes this year. Some were good, but more often than not, they were just unimpressive. And that’s even before we get to the original song by the original rapper who is so uncharismatic, so unimpressive, and so forgettable that he still doesn’t have a Wikipedia page as of the time I wrote this. Most baffling hit of the year.
“Holy” – Justin Bieber (featuring Chance the Rapper)
We go from most baffling hit of the year to the most boring man of the year featuring the most baffling guest verse of the year. Some indie darlings just aren’t meant to make the jump to the mainstream and I can’t think of a more drastic drop-off in quality than Chance over the last few years. Those Acid Rap and Coloring Book days are long gone as now he’s comparing his girl to…Oscar Proud?
“Better Together” – Luke Combs
Yeah I’m still not completely sold on Luke Combs yet. To be honest, all these dull and sappy as hell love ballads he released this year really aren’t doing him no favors in my book. Especially with this piece of shit that sounds like it would have been performed by Lewis Capaldi if given the chance. Hell I think I would have preferred Lewis Capaldi because at least I would have distinctly remembered it.
“Time Today” – Moneybagg Yo
It is just “Said Sum” again. Which hey, I liked “Said Sum” the first time around. But “Said Sum” is not a song that seriously needed its own cheap knockoff. Seriously it has the same production more or less, the same beat, the same flow, hell even the same alliteration of a song title. He even refers to himself as the “Said Sum” rapper. If you’re not going to give yourself more credit than that, why should I as a listener? Next.
“If I Didn’t Love You” – Jason Aldean & Carrie Underwood
Clearly name recognition powered this song into becoming a hit because these two don’t have a believable ounce of chemistry with each other. Kind of reminds of me Jason Aldean’s duet with another former American Idol winner, Kelly Clarkson, from ten years ago. And just like with that song, this song is so basic that I would not be surprised to see reality singing show contestants perform this song together for years to follow since it is that lacking in personality and plausibility.
“On Me” – Lil Baby
I still haven’t come around on Lil Baby yet, although I’m getting closer and closer with each passing year. But even when I do, I can still tell when one of his songs isn’t even trying. Lil Baby has been on the record saying he made this song because he was bored while in lockdown and I can tell. This definitely sounds like someone who is bored and has nothing better to do. And while I wish I could like it for representing the exact sentiments I’ve felt for most of this year, I still wouldn’t like it because Lil Baby sounds like such an unlikeable little shit on this.
“Fancy Like” – Walker Hayes
This was honestly close to making my list at first, but then I decided I couldn’t give this song any sort of grief. Because that’s exactly what it wants. It wants you to look at it in disgust and horror. Bask in its painful tackiness. Hell you could say that it celebrates making everyone cringe at its product placement and cornball lines. Then it hit me. I don’t hate this. I’m just fascinated something this terrible actually exists. I expect this to make many and I mean MANY worst lists so everyone can go ahead and jump at this easy target. I don’t blame you for doing so, it’s pretty fucking bad. Meanwhile, I’ll just continue to sit here and marvel at this lame, yet fascinating bad song.
Now that we got that out of the way, there is one more thing I would like to make clear before I start this list season off. Both my best and worst lists this year are going to be Top Elevens. Why eleven?
Because I like to go one step further.Let's just say I have some 2020 backwash that I've already talked about a plenty that I want to make these lists as authentic as possible. I do actually have some more to say about these songs that are two years old now each so trust me when I say that it won't be tired material. Got it? Good. Now let's go crazy. We're counting down.THE TOP ELEVEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2021
SpoilerI really didn’t want to start this worst list off by talking about a song that I actually liked at one point. I mean I still do think it’s a good song after it being around for a good two years or so, but I never want to hear it ever again. Overplay has practically killed a lot of interest I once had in it. The fact that this is now one of the biggest country crossover hits of all-time is also astonishing. Blame the pandemic for making the music industry move at a snail’s pace for a while too.
I am of course, talking about “I Hope” if you haven’t figured it out by now. A revenge fantasy song from Gabby (Coney) Barrett that I’ve called good, hell excellent even. So why am I talking about this song on the worst list? Well…
11. “I Hope” – Gabby Barrett (featuring Charlie Puth)
In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last two years (which if so, I wish I would have joined you), we are living in the era of remix chart manipulation. Lil Nas X opened the floodgates of this new era of remixing with “Old Town Road” and its five or six remixes over two years prior becoming the longest reigning number one song of all-time. And now the rest of the music industry has caught on and we are getting more and more unnecessary remixes. Granted not all of them have been bad. Hell some have been very good. But more often than not, we get these forced out collaborations solely with the purpose to get a quick and easy number one hit or to prolong a charting song’s lifespan. It’s inorganic and honestly further proving how broken Billboard’s system really is when an artists’ stan following will mass purchase every remix.
With all the remixes floating out there, I told myself that I would only count a remix on my worst list if Billboard credits the remix over the original. And last year, this was one of the few remixes that made Billboard’s year end list. I hated this remix from the very first moment I heard it, but out of the respect that I had for the original being a good song, I just couldn’t find it in me to place it anywhere near the worst list. And even talking in hindsight, I still don’t think this would have made the actual list; probably would have been in my dishonorable mentions.
So why am I talking about it this year? Because that remix has given it such a longer lifespan to the point that the radio absolutely adores this remix. Yes I still listen to the radio in 2021 against my better judgment. I don’t want to pay any more in roaming charges to listen to Apple Music in my car. And the more I hear it, the more everything bad about this remix stands out. This is by far the worst I’ve ever heard Charlie Puth; and that goes back to his 2015/2016 dentist office music that he used to make. He sounds absolutely insufferable singing this. And he completely misses the point of the original by a country mile.
What made Charlie Puth good in 2017/2018 was taking a heel turn and becoming a bit of a dick instead of trying to play Mr. Nice Guy like he was the years prior. Which would have made him the perfect fit for this song and given it some needed depth. But instead, he sings alongside Gabby Barrett and keeps adding more spite that’s not needed and it just doesn’t work. It’s just such a completely baffling creative decision and I don’t know who thought that was a good idea even the slightest.
This is one of the worst remixes I’ve heard in my years of talking music and the fact that this was still one of the biggest songs of any year for a second year in a row just goes to show how little new content we actually got. That and Billboard should not be tracking from early November to early November.
SpoilerI can’t believe I had that much to say about the fucking remix to “I Hope”. I told myself that I was going to try and cut back on some of my long winded rants. So I hope you don’t mind me taking a bit of a breather and just go for an easy target from some schmuck who I doubt will have a second hit.
10. “Good Time” – Niko Moon
This is your friendly reminder that “bro-country” is far from dead. It just evolved from being laughably dated to uninterestingly dull and lifeless. So this guy’s name is Niko and Vinz…I mean Niko Moon….this is not a real name. He’s the poor man’s Sam Hunt. And apparently he has ties to some short-lived EDM country group formed by Zack Brown. Country and EDM…those two don’t go together. And honestly that’s everything I know that is even remotely interesting about Niko Moon.
Do I even need to point out the obvious if you listen to this song? For a song called “Good Time” this isn’t even remotely fun…or entertaining…or catchy…or interesting. It just fucking sucks the air out of the room mixed in with some incredibly dated trap snares and hi-hats. But you know what I hate most about this? This layer of smugness and self-righteous attitude. Bro, are you even listening to your own song? You sound as bored of these outdated clichés as your listening audience does.
Like I mentioned in my dishonorable mentions, I wanted to place “Fancy Like” on this list. But at the end of the day, at least that other schmuck who I also doubt will have another hit (or at least as big as “Fancy Like”) put forth some effort into it. Even with all the cringe cross-marketing and lame virality, I’ll remember it. I forget how this half-baked bargain bin reject of a country song goes every time I hear it. Next.
SpoilerLet’s dive back into the world of TikTok as we talk about yet another schmuck who I doubt will get a second hit.
9. “Track Star” – Mooski
Wow. What an absolutely stupid metaphor. Any further insight on how this girl makes you feel or any more amazingly lame track and field puns or are you just going to paint this girl out to be a flake and that you’re doing absolutely nothing wrong because you’re awesome and….yep definitely the latter.
That’s the thing about these TikTok one-offs. For your song to really crossover and gain success, you really need to have one hell of a ten to thirty seconds to keep you invested. Yet somehow, this song was able to get its biggest gains from not streaming or sales, but the radio. Here’s the thing about the radio though. With so many people still out of work due to the pandemic from iHeartRadio and its subsidiaries, stations are willing to grasp at any sort of TikTok clout that they can get to find out what songs to make famous. And low and behold, this song got a remix from Chris Brown of all fucking people at just the right time to capitalize and make this a legitimate hit.
And I’m not saying that there aren’t people out there who are impressed by Mooski (absolutely stupid rap name ftr) wailing about how this girl leaves when things get bad. There is always an audience for that. Probably part of the reason that this was the biggest year for R&B in close to twenty years.
But for the love of god, this guy is such a dick. I mean all you have to do is listen to the rest of the song outside of those five to ten seconds and you can start to see the signs as to what all the melodrama is about. Gasp, how dare she blast him on social media. She’s only…just as reasonable as everyone else. And for the record, if you’re going to spend the entire song bragging mostly about how much better you are, you’re really not that much better than airing your drama out on social media you egotistical fuck.
Honestly, I’m starting to question if we are supposed to relate to the girl that’s running away from this douchebag. The fact that he associated himself with Chris Brown makes too much sense.
Spoiler8. “Put Your Records On” – Ritt Momney
This guy put as much effort into this cover song as he put into his stage name. I'm not wasting any more time on this trash. Go listen to the original. Next.
SpoilerIt is surreal to me that EuroVision is now popular enough to gain major traction stateside. Which I’m all for. I’ve been a casual viewer for the last six years now. But even then, I was surprised to see the series has gotten big enough to have a full length Will Ferrell comedy film last year. And I was even more surprised to see that MANY European crossover acts get actual hits stateside. Not all of them are good though.
7. “Arcade” – Duncan Laurence
Basic. Painfully basic.
You guys remember that indie rock car commercial boom of the last few years? I’m genuinely surprised this song isn’t attached to some sort of product yet, unless it is and I’m just that out of touch with modern day commercialism. I mean they got FLETCHER for the remix so there's a good chance this is attached to some sort of product out there.
I also hate how it is yet another vaguely generic ballad about some girl breaking this guy’s heart. But most of all, I just hate this guy’s voice. What is with America’s fascination with bringing in European pop exports singing in the most nauseating grating tone about heartbreak like they are the first ones to experience it? Why are we still doing this? And before we go any further, no. You’re not going to see Maneskin’s cover of Beggin’ make the list. I actually love the lead singer’s voice. It’s unique. And it’s a perfectly good cover, despite Maneskin’s deep cuts being so much better.
Let’s leave Duncan Laurence back at the arcade…that takes pennies? Has this guy even ever been to an arcade? The fuck is this?
SpoilerThese worst lists take so much effort out of me to write, so let's just sit back and pick on an easy target for a bit. Low hanging fruit is low hanging. Thanks Justin Bieber.
6. “Lonely” – Justin Bieber & benny blanco
Look I started off this year by saying that he is the worst popstar and that second place is not even close. Then he dropped that multi-week number one smash this year, Justice, as damage control from his previous album, Changes; which I’ve been on the record for saying that is by far one of the worst albums I’ve ever listened to. While Justice is still bad, Justin still got five smash hits off that album so it looks like he’s still sticking around for a while longer. The fact that he appears on the year end six times on this list proves that he is still a superstar in the music industry. And by those accords, I agree….to an extent.
He’s still a superstar because the radio refuses to rotate his songs out. Bieber is still racking up hits because he has evolved into the next phase of his career; making radio friendly safe music. Bieber is starting to take the Adam Levine route of making soulless hollow garbage that will not provoke a reaction out of anyone. The only difference being that Justin Bieber still has a crap ton of young female fans. Adam Levine still has fans too…soccer moms. And the older Justin Bieber gets, the more those young female fans will either realize that he sucks and move on or become soccer moms themselves. So you know what, I concede. Justin Bieber is just going to stick around whether we like him or not since he now has a new formula for continued success.
But lord do I wish that said new formula was a little less…whatever this is.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xQOO2xGQ1Pc&t=58s
Someone please put that dying mountain goat out of its misery. I’ll give Bieber this. That awkward yelping at least makes me remember this song in comparison to the rest of the generic garbage he’s put out. But that’s not what put this song on the list. It’s yet his consistent effort to constantly remind everyone of his douchebag years nearly ten years ago. We get it. You regret being an unlikeable piece of shit. But it’s 2021. You’ve made three albums now about how you regret your past. FIND A DIFFERENT SUBJECT ALREADY FOR CHRIST’S SAKE.
SpoilerRemember this song? Who am I kidding of course you do. The song that put One Direction on the map and made them one of the biggest pop acts of the 2010s. Jesus who thought I would ever be nostalgic for an era that isn’t even ten years old yet.
Look I’m not going to mince words, I do not like this song even the slightest bit. It is unflattering garbage that makes my skin crawl. But in the end, you can only get so mad at teenage boys trying to make girls swoon. Now if this was sung by a bunch of 40 something year old men…
5. “Just The Way” – Parmalee & Blanco Brown
The moment I first heard this I immediately made that correlation to “What Makes You Beautiful”. I mean it’s all there. The backhanded compliments. Pointing out all of said imperfections so non-discretely that I couldn’t picture any girl swooning. Except that this isn’t Teen Magazine heartthrobs like Harry Styles or Zayn. It’s sung by a bunch of boomers who claim that they love the way GOD made you. Where’s Steve Buscemi with the “how do you do fellow kids” when you need it.
I mean is it fair of me to ask why the hell either of these acts needed a second hit? Parmalee has been around when even I listened to only country music in the early 2000’s. They only got lucky with their first legitimate hit ten years ago by catching onto the bro-country trend when it was just picking up steam and here they are doing the same trend-hopping trick once again by cashing in on the boyfriend country boom. Meanwhile, Blanco Brown got his only hit by trying to reverse engineer the massive success of “Old Town Road” two years ago and only rode that success so far because Nashville wasn’t remotely threatened by his stupid TikTok lite dance. That should have made my worst list in hindsight but I left it off there because you couldn’t help but feel sorry for the guy knowing that’s how he was going to be remembered by. Nashville’s bottom bitch because they don’t want to support Lil Nas X.
And once again, I was wrong. I don’t feel sorry for either of these two acts if they are just going to coast off trends for the rest of their careers. Get this Chase Rice levels of wannabe country music trash out of my ears and into the gutter of irrelevance where they both came from. Next.
Spoiler4. “You’re Mines Still” – Yung Bleu (featuring Drake)
Really? We’re doing this again? We’re going to make yet another emo rap song that samples “Shape of My Heart” by Sting? It hasn’t even been two years yet since the passing of Juice WRLD that a lot of the industry is still in mourning. You’re going to have the audacity to sample a song that Juice WRLD sampled and made it his most recognized song? And even worse, you’re going to make it about the same subject matter? This reeks of hack marketing for this song to lead to increased streaming and more radio spins. And if that wasn’t obvious enough, it also has the coveted Drake feature to prove that.
Which lets talk about that Drake feature. Drake has done a ton of features for a bunch of no names; rest in peace to BlocBoy JB’s career. Sure there are a few exceptions to this, like I was absolutely wrong about Lil Baby’s career trajectory. But more often than not, I feel like Drake spreads the cosign wealth around to remind people how much worse off we can be without him. That’s not the case here. Drake is absolutely god awful here. Drake does his usual jealous possessive boyfriend bullshit, but he sounds so passive aggressive to the point that he just comes off as a massive dick.
And despite that, I’m still unsure as to if he’s better or worse than Yung Blah. I know that’s not how his name is spelled, but it might as well be because his warble mouth singing makes Post Malone sound like a choir of angels when he does it. And when you can make out what he’s saying, he also sounds like a fucking asshole. The delusional entitlement of this guy is infuriating. She can’t live her life without me because she’s so blind, as Yung Blech so eloquently states is pretentiousness straight out of his ass. Like he makes himself out to be this wise sage that she is clearly missing out on, even though he straight up says in the song that he played her multiple times and he often ignored her. If she actually does leave her new man for this asshat, it’s clearly due to Stockholm Syndrome because I can’t even begin to contemplate what draws this girl back to him.
This is just an UGLY song all caps. And so be it, I don’t hate this song for being ugly. But when you can’t write either of these guys out to be redeeming in the slightest bit, then I’m sorry, I would just tell both of these guys to go fuck themselves. They clearly would.
SpoilerSigh…I don’t hate this act. I actually have A LOT of respect for them. They hold a unique place in the music landscape of being one of the few country acts who can genuinely pull off country-pop hybrid music. Hell my first wedding dance was to their big hit, “Speechless”. And I still love it despite all of its corny clichés. That’s what true love is. Corny cliches and still tolerating them fifty years later *wink*. Facts for a successful
But something in me just snapped this year and all the venom and vitriol that many others gave these two over the last couple years was completely warranted.
3. “Glad You Exist” – Dan + Shay
I mean doesn’t that title just say it all? I’m glad that you exist girl. Who the fuck even says that? What happened to telling a girl you left them speechless? Or hell even I want you all to myself or I’d spend 10,000 hours? At least those were compliments. I’m just glad that you exist is such a fucking backhanded compliment to the point that it makes me quiver with genuine rage.
But honestly, it isn’t just that…phrase…that makes me hate this. The WHOLE song is adolescent as hell. Like I’m pretty sure the only group of girls who would find this flattering are the preteens that Dan + Shay seems perfectly complacent targeting because they are more or less, the boy bandification of country music.
Hell that might be an insult to preteens. This is inoffensive dentist office music. You know the type of music that is so perfectly complacent being targeted to waiting room lobbies while you’re waiting for them to call your name to get your bi-yearly teeth cleaning. And then this song comes on and you sit there thinking, “oh yeah, that was a hit awhile ago” because what else do you have better to do or think about? I mean you’ve got nothing to do except sit there awkwardly staring at your phone or reading five month old magazines that desperately need to be changed out because the Milwaukee Bucks won the NBA championship six months ago. It’s the start of a new NBA season. Why are we still talking about the last? And who the fuck cares about which out of his league celebrity Pete Davidson is dating then when he’s dating Kim Kardashian now. Unless he’s not. Let me Google search my phone…
….oh wait, what was I talking about? Oh yeah. This song blows. Next.
SpoilerYou know it is time to hit the pop music retirement home when acts that are close to half your age start getting chart success. And no artist further proved that to me this year than the biggest one of this year, Olivia Rodrigo. But at the very least, I definitely understand why she became such a superstar this year. She conveys her emotions very well and while all her songs are not aimed to resonate with me, an over the age of 30 year old male; I admire her enough to give her the good ole two thumbs up. She’s going to rule this decade, mark my words.
See? Even older males like me can give teenagers their due that they can write good music. They are also capable of writing bad music too. And then there’s this.
2. “You Broke Me First” – Tate McRae
A song so limp and lifeless that doesn’t get a reaction out of me, you, or damn near anyone. But the more I hear this, the more its failure to elicit any sort of strong feelings straight up pisses me off. I think the only thing this song has going for it is that it displays less emotion than it does music. Because my god, this song barely exists. It’s a rough draft entry pulled out of some teenage girl’s diary with barely any sort of musical accompaniment. It’s actively sucking in ways that aren’t humanely possible.
Then of course, let’s talk about the artist she is clearly emulating. Fun fact, but Tate McRae actually has written music with Billie Eilish before her huge breakout hit. What’s missing though is the actual commitment to making good music. Billie actually writes lyrics that fit in with the choices she makes with her musical accompaniment and production. She commits to her craft.
What I get from listening to Tate McRae is that I want to be taken seriously as a popstar but I can’t convey any sort of emotions through my vocal reflections. Listening to Tate McRae’s soulless drone pop is the exact sort of failed transition to pop stardom I felt from Julia Michaels and Rachel Platten before her. Granted Tate is much younger than both of them so maybe just maybe she might be able to win me over after this terrible first impression, but my god do I absolutely hate how immature this song is.
Especially that chorus. I think Tate McRae has the impression that “you broke me first” is a much more cutting line than it actually is. Maybe if that was a line in a verse, I would think that’s fairly clever. But the entire hook of your song? Why would you do that?!?!?!
“You Broke Me First” is if someone made the “No U” meme into a pop song. And really isn’t that all the attention this song actually deserves?
SpoilerAny of you still hate this song? I mean I don’t blame you. Absolutely one of the pinnacle pieces when it comes to pointing out how absolutely dumb and dated “bro-country” was at its worst. I didn’t hate it. I actually sort of respected how well this remix worked, even if the song itself was unbearably meat-headed.
With that said, I’ll take 100 “Cruise (Remixes)” if that means we never get a song like this ever again.
1. “Lil Bit” – Nelly & Florida Georgia Line
Like I said, at least “Cruise” worked. What this…what EVEN is this!? Is it country? Is it rap? Is it a hybrid of the two ala “Old Town Road”? It’s none of these. It’s audio white noise. The worst type of music.
Years ago I mentioned how country music has such a one-sided relationship with rap music and while that obviously still rings true today, there has always been one huge exception to this rule and that is Nelly. For some reason, Nelly is one of the few rappers who is happy to reciprocate right back on a consistent basis. Yeah sure you’ve got your one-off flukes like that awful Kane Brown song with Swae Lee and Khalid or that awful Kane Brown song with Blackbear or that awful Kane Brown song with H.E.R. But let’s be clear, none of these artists have consistently collaborated with Nashville outside of pop music trying to make Kane Brown crossover.
Nelly has shamelessly sold himself out to Nashville more times than I can count. I mean his last album was ALL country music. I get wanting to pay homage to your roots, which is his explanation for his “love” of country music, but these song titles…”Grits & Glamour”? “Ms. Drive Me Crazy”? And he even has a SECOND collaboration with the liberal side of Florida Georgia Line called “Country Boy Do”. Nelly can say that he wants to pay tribute to his love of country music, but his love for it comes off as hollow at best.
I was tempted to just make this whole entry about how much Nelly does not work in the genre of country music but then there is Florida Georgia Line. Who despite all the personal turmoil they have been going through in the past year with their conflicting political differences almost ending the duo for good, still managed to survive and continue to suck at making music. It doesn't matter what genres these asshats hop themselves into. Whether its country, pop, rap, hell you should listen to their adult contemporary singles if you want a real good laugh; let's just face the facts. They suck. They continue to suck. And I'm getting as sick of seeing these two continue to still be around as much as I am Maroon 5. Yes we've gotten to that point ladies and gentlemen.
I guess I should probably talk about the song itself. I mean what exactly is there to talk about it? Except for that absolutely shameless plug for Ciroc, nearly every lyric from this was taken from some other song. There is absolutely nothing original here that I haven’t heard 500 times before. Hell part of me wonders if 50 Cent, being the petty man that he is, should sue since nearly half the chorus is just these jackasses saying “just a lil bit”. If I were Nelly, Florida, and Georgia, I’d lawyer up.
This is seriously one of the most unoriginal, laziest excuses for a song that I’ve ever heard. This is the Direct to DVD sequel no one asked for of popular music and just like with the Mulan 2's and The Lion King 1 1/2's of the world, it should stay forgotten in the Wal-Mart 99 cent bargain bin where it belongs.
Best List coming soon. Thanks for reading SBC fam. Love you guys!
-
2
-
-
Straight from the Blogspot Vault, here's my 2020 Worst List:
2020. Do I need to go any further?
When my children ask me what year was the worst to live through, I’ll tell them 2020. While I had two personal highs this year in terms of buying my first house and meeting my nephew, the cultural zeitgeist was just too hard to ignore. The entire world hitting a screeching halt with a pandemic that killed millions, massive protests over social injustice that led to civil unrest, the ever-looming threats of another world war, the political divide becoming all the more toxic. And that was only the first five months of the year. I didn't even get to an overactive hurricane season, the election, and murder hornets.
I’ve already let my thoughts slip through about my many MANY insights as to the events this year brought onto us and I really don’t want to sound like a broken record at this point. Because there is far too much negativity in this world. One of my friends once told me that reading this blog is like handing out a dose of serotonin to her life. And that’s what my intentions are with this blog. To bring some positivity and entertainment towards this dark timeline we are in. And that’s what I constantly aimed to do throughout this year. Give people reading a much needed break from the reality we are currently sitting through.
And honestly? I have a lot of things to say about music this year.
So much so that I’m considering expanding a top ten best hit songs list for the year that was 2020. 2020 may have been one of the worst years of all-time, but the one thing it had going right was the hit music of the year was some of the best we’ve gotten this century. I’m not sure if this was the direction that music was heading towards before the pandemic threw a wrench in everybody’s plans but I enjoyed so many of the minor trends that were coming whether it be the sub-trends of 80s inspired synthpop, a 2000’s nostalgia boom, emo rappers bringing rock music back, trap music starting to sound more introspective…I could go on about how many sub-genres worked this year for me that were becoming mainstream.
But for as much as I loved the trends that were, and still are to an extent, emerging; reality set in. The pandemic threw a lot out the window for this year. To the point that music became one of the last topics that mattered to people in the general public. If you are reading this and are as big of a music nerd like me, you’ll know that when it came to the metrics, this was one of the weaker point differential years in popular music this year. You all want to know why this year set a new record for most number one hits in a single year? Because it was very easy to obtain. A few weeks ago in early November during one of the weeks where “Mood” by 24KGoldn & iann dior was at number one, it had the same number of points as “Heartless” by The Weeknd the year prior when that was number seventeen that charting year of 2019. You guys see my point?
And quite honestly, there is a lot to explain for the three main metrics. Streaming as a whole is down by twenty percent this year over last. The radio, an already declining format of telling what’s popular in the music industry, are even further behind at understanding what’s popular due to most of their chart analysts being out of work due to the pandemic. And sales, another declining format, had to get creative with how to adapt due to the economy also being down thanks to the climate we are living in. So yeah, in a year where the music that we did get was still pretty great in a sense, music was one of the last things that mattered because there were more important topics at hand to focus on.
Look I can sit here and ramble on about the music trends of this year because I didn’t even get to some of the important ones like viral trends and stan armies getting more control of these number one races, but alas, I know why you are all here and I don’t want to delay this any further. I know which content gets more views, so like tradition states, let’s start it off by talking about some of the worst music this year had to offer. And while we may have gotten some damn great music this year, we got our fair share of bad music as well. Other music critics may compare the great stuff with some of the best pop music decades like the 80s and the late 90s. However, when it comes to the bad music, I think a good comparison is 2018 where we either got a fair share of hits from problematic people, a lot of pop music on autopilot, or finding myself questioning who some of these hits are even for.
But enough preamble, let's get those dishonorable mentions out of the way before tackling on that main course:
SpoilerDISHONORABLE MENTIONS:
“Trampoline” – SHAED
I get that this was an easier year to make the year end list than previous years due to a bigger lack of actual singles this year. But come on now. Nobody actually cared about this song this year. Or any year really.
“Sum 2 Prove” – Lil Baby & “We Paid” – Lil Baby & 42 Dugg
So I guess we are going to keep Lil Baby around, aren’t we? This was a monstrous year for him. And while he finally won me over this year, I still don’t get the appeal for the most part. I’m making progress there. Especially when he gets huge with monotonous bores like these here. Which I forget how they go every time I hear them. And no I’m not going to go in depth about either of them. They both suck in utterly boring ways.
“Suicidal” – YNW Melly (featuring Juice WRLD)
Isn’t this guy on death row or something? How is his label still pushing out new music? Pushing aside Melly’s controversial personal life, this is just a less catchy version of XXXTentacion’s “SAD!” And isn’t that what we all needed? Another smash hit guilt tripping women into thinking you’re going to kill yourself if you don’t get with them? Fuck this guy. This was going to make the list proper but the Juice WRLD remix that ended up being the one that was credited saved it. At least Juice WRLD had the sort of personality to make this sort of song work by leaning into the full emo aspect of the situation.
“hot girl bummer” – blackbear
The position of this song may surprise some of you. It kind of surprised me too. But in this day and age where I struggle to figure out who certain songs are aimed for, I’ll give this song this. At the very least, I understand what this is going for. It’s bold. It’s brash. It belongs in the trash. But I absolutely get its target audience. Douchebags. The same douchebag white boys that blasted nu-metal in the 2000s. This is basically a modern day nu-metal song. Except with toxically masculine.
Make no mistake though. Even without this being on the list proper, blackbear is fucking awful.
“Nobody But You” – Blake Shelton (featuring Gwen Stefani)
You know for a couple who started off as a showmance, Blake and Gwen are one of the most insufferably dull entertainment industry couples right now. They just do not go well together. Even when I was watching The Voice, these two just felt more like brother and sister than a believable couple. Just no believable chemistry whatsoever. Pretty much applies all my thoughts to this dull uninteresting song. For a song called “Nobody But You”, I barely hear Gwen on this. Blake’s voice just overpowers Gwen’s that she is basically of no presence.
“Savage Love (Laxed-Siren Beat)” – Jawsh 685 & Jason DeRulo
Wonder what Jason DeRulo will cash-in on next to stay relevant after the TikTok clout eventually wears out?
“One Margarita” – Luke Bryan
Now that Luke Bryan has finally ran the bro-country well completely dry, time to move on to the next stage of his career. Ripping off Kenny Chesney. And isn’t that just what we need? Another person ripping off Jimmy Buffet? Although this song goes above and beyond that by also catering to the anti-quarantine crowds in the middle of a pandemic. And because Luke Bryan is willing to do anything to rack up hits at this stage of his career, he actively promoted it as such. Honestly wanted to put this on the list proper solely for that reason, but last thing I want to do is let politics heavily influence a song list. Still, fuck this guy and anti-quarantine crowds as a whole.
“Someone You Loved” – Lewis Capaldi
I still hate this a lot. But god bless did Lewis Capaldi put himself out there. He at least tried to sound distinct in a music climate where so much sounds the same.
“THE SCOTTS” – Travis Scott & Kid Cudi
Honestly would be on the worst list proper if it wasn’t for that outro. Producer Mike Dean deserves a lot of credit for making even the most worthless of Travis Scott singles salvageable with his outros as of late. That still doesn’t make Travis Scott’s output this year all the more worthless. Every single Travis forced out in 2020 all sounded like AstroWorld rejects. But none pissed me off more with their worthlessness as much as The Scotts. I couldn’t tell you a single memorable second of this song except for that outro. It goes in one ear out the other every time. Wasn’t this supposed to lead to some sort of collaboration album between these two? Has it already been pushed to the backburner for some more commercial tie-ins disguised as number one singles? I really hope that next album does Travis some good because he is getting dangerously close to being labelled a sellout very soon.
Okay now that that's out of the way, let's do a proper goodbye to these last 10,000 hours and hope for a better 10,000 more. We're counting down!
THE TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2020
SpoilerWell let’s start this list off proper by talking about the platform for music in 2020.
I don’t know if TikTok is going to stick around for the long haul or if it will get replaced by another app in the coming years. Or if the Trump administration will prevent this app from ever getting another buyer because of their stupid beliefs that China is using it to overpower our government.
2020 was the year of many negatives, but TikTok was absolutely a positive in 2020. It helped take our mind off of everything going on in the world. And a good majority of the hits on this year’s year-end list had some sort of challenge tied in via social media influencers from TikTok. These influencers would pick a new song or two every couple weeks, make some sort of dance to go along with it, then the dance would go viral. And I do have to admit. A lot of these dances were actually pretty creative.
Others were not….
...and then there was this.
10. “Party Girl” – StaySolidRocky
Look I get that we are in a new era of music where songs don’t really go over the three minute mark anymore just to keep people’s short attention spans occupied. But I don’t understand how anyone can stay interested in this slog. It’s barely over two minutes long and a lot of that feels like overlong silence.
Not only that but this guy just flat out sucks. He has no charisma, no flow, no personality. He’s just a dull guy who sounds like he is concern trolling this girl who is addicted to meth and guns. Or maybe he’s seriously worried about this girl. I can’t tell. He puts forth the same monotonous bored tone throughout the entire song that it is hard to tell if he really gives two shits.
This is the first time in a long time that a song feels so low quality in effort and talent that it doesn’t even feel like it should be allowed to chart. So clearly it got popular off the Tik Tok dance:
I stand corrected there too. That is just moving your arms and back forth and doing the handphone gesture. Aside from the latter, howis that any different than any other Tik Tok dance? Whoever influenced this dance clearly didn’t get paid nearly enough. This song is so low effort that it deserves this low effort of a dance.
People are going to look back at this TikTok era chalk full of one hit wonders years from now and StaySolidRocky is a good Exhibit A as to how this app basically handed out a career to anybody. Next.
SpoilerYou know I’ve always wondered how likely it was that millennials have taken to classic songs from being used in films they’ve watched growing up. I’m definitely including myself in that category, no question.
I for one, discovered Frankie Valli’s “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” from Heath Ledger’s rendition of it from 90’s teenage film classic “10 Things I Hate About You”. And that song has been used time and time again in many movies like “Son of the Mask”, “Sharp Objects”, and “Bad Times at the El Royale”. Ironically, the latter two came out two years ago and now one of the biggest hits in America right now is a dream pop remix of it. What a coincidence.
9. “ily (I love you baby)” – Surf Mesa (featuring Emilee)
This song becoming a hit at all just baffles me. I thought we left the dance music remixes of classic songs back in the 1990’s? Where they belonged.
Not only does this song remind me about how lazy that trend was nearly thirty years ago, it also reminds me of 2013 when some already forgotten about EDM artist remixed Lana Del Rey’s “Summertime Sadness”. And while that one eventually grew on me, it just made me appreciate the original Lana song all the more. And my god does Frankie Valli belting the chorus to “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” just hit every single time. No wonder these no names only focus on the chorus of that song.
Look I get that EDM was one of the many trends that took back off again this year, but say what you will about the Roses remix or the many songs Regard charted this year. At least they have some sort of bop towards it. I could be listening thirty seconds into the song or two minutes in and I wouldn’t be able to tell how far into the song they are.
This is just limp and lifeless and no thanks, I’ll vibe with the original. Next.
SpoilerThis is a worst list. Make no mistake. I genuinely hate all these songs. But at least this next one I can find some sort of nostalgic entertaining levels of terrible with.
8. “My Oh My” – Camila Cabello (featuring DaBaby)
This has been a bad album cycle for Camila Cabello. From the backlash of being one of the most insufferably fake celebrity couples in recent memory to her second solo album performing terribly and most notably, her racist past coming back to cancel her; it’s amazing that any one of her songs made the year end Hot 100 for this year. Fairly high. Just goes to show that anyone can still get a hit as long as they suck up to either radio’s increasingly narrow definition of pop music or shelving out playlist payola to force this one to hit status.
But good lord is this song so hilariously bad. This is basically a rip-off of “Havana” except unintentionally hilarious. And in a year where this worst list is basically full of songs that I don’t understand how anyone can find them any good, this at least made me nostalgic for when bad music used to be entertaining levels of terrible. I don’t buy for a single second that Camila Cabello wants to be “the bad girl”. If anything, she sounds like a little kid playing grown up with her mother’s clothing. And why does this bad boy sound like he came out of the 1950’s? An older guy? How scandalous. With a “bad reputation”? Sure Karen, they all do. A black leather jacket? What sort of bad boy still wears a black leather jacket in 2020?
Is the bad boy supposed to be Shawn Mendes? Goodie two-shoes incredibly unthreatening nice guy Shawn Mendes? ….I’m laughing in real life while I’m typing this. Holy shit…
Oh and DaBaby is here because he’s shelving out Ludacris style guest verses for popstars like it is still the early 2010’s. I don’t think his verse is bad, but it’s just there. Like sprinkles are on desserts. Do they necessarily add anything to them? No. It’s just a brief distraction from the rest of the ice cream or cake. And DaBaby is just a brief distraction from how horrible everything else is on this song.
This song just feels crowbarred into existence because Camila needed a hit off this album to keep her around. I sure hope that payola was worth it because with how easily this faded out of existence after its brief moment, it shows nobody is interested in what Camila is selling. Next.
SpoilerI know it’s easy to forget that this came out over a year ago, but since 2020 has felt like twelve years in itself, yes it’s been over a year since “Old Town Road”. A song so genuinely great that it left me hoping that we get more songs like this. Songs that blend genres and defy what we expect from popular music. What I’m saying is we need more “Old Town Road’s” and less….well, whatever the hell this is.
7. “Be Like That” – Kane Brown, Swae Lee, & Khalid
I don’t like Kane Brown. I’ve tried and tried to get the appeal of this guy, but all those early comparisons to a country Justin Bieber keeps getting more and more accurate with each passing single. He’s had one song I genuinely liked a few years ago called “What Ifs” that was charming enough to give him some goodwill, but every song since then has been blander and less interesting than the next. I genuinely don’t like this guy as a performer. He brings nothing to the table and whatever decent vocals he does have are wasted on watered down shlock.
It is only fitting that his first actual pop song is with two of the biggest wastes of potential in popular music right now. For someone who has had some of the biggest pop song hooks of the last three years, I’ve wondered why Swae Lee is not as big as he should be. But he keeps releasing middle of the road crap that is not interesting in the slightest bit. And then you have Khalid, who is the polar opposite and just keeps releasing the same song twenty times and refuses to take a break. It’s fitting that his biggest hit has stalled out his momentum because “Talk” keeps proving to be a sellout of his artistic integrity every time I hear it and only gets worse and worse. And I hear it almost every day at work.
In case you’ve noticed, I’ve barely talked about this song. It’s not worth mentioning. It is yet another song about having mixed feelings in a relationship. About being in your head and not overthinking things. One of the most overused topics in pop music. You know what, it’s fitting that these guys together making a dull uninteresting country/rap/pop song about relationships and overthinking things in your head. Because they basically made the 2020’s version of “Over and Over Again”:
Isn’t that what we needed? A reminder that this slog of a song existed? Lil Nas X, please come save combining genres before these three ruin it some more.
SpoilerAmongst my Discord friends, I mentioned at the beginning of this year that this song is okay. But after relistening to this song with a fresh set of ears for the first time in like nine months, I was wrong. This is flat out awful.
6. “RITMO” – Black Eyed Peas & J. Balvin
Let’s be honest, how many of you still remember this sleeper hit from the left in the past once again Black Eyed Peas from the already forgotten biggest domestic box office earner of 2020, Bad Boys For Life. Can’t wait to share that little trivia tidbit years from now that the most financially successful film of 2020 was this corny cashgrab reminding us that Will Smith is getting old, man.
Honestly the one thing I defended earlier this year and sort of still defend now is the sample of “Rhythm of the Night” by….Corona (god maybe the Black Eyed Peas return to relevance was a sign of things to come). The one thing that will.i.am still has after all these years away from success is the knack for an insanely catchy earworm that won’t leave your fucking head. And my god, even in 2020, he still has that going for him. But everything else is so fucking bad.
“Rhythm of the Night” isn’t the only song being sampled. It also samples 2015 hit “You Know You Like It” by DJ Snake & AlunaGeorge. I honestly don’t really have any thoughts on that song except DJ Snake used to be such a good producer. Whatever happened to him? Anyway, will.i.am beats the melody from that song into the fucking ground and it becomes one of the most annoying sounds from any song this year. That thumping gets old with each passing listen.
But of course, that’s only the cherry on top of this trainwreck. Clearly the time away from the spotlight has not improved any of the Black Eyed Peas skills. Because they ruined club pop music, they are now trying to ruin reggaeton with their incredibly poor Spanglish. I’m so sorry to Pitbull’s messy translations from the early 2010’s. Nothing will ever be as insulting as listening to will.i.am saying:
PUTA! I learned that shit down in Mexico!Congratulations. You know basic Spanish you culture vulture. And that’s just the beginning of the insulting amounts of using reggaeton as a clutch for success. A lot of these lyrics are just using Spanish as a clutch to cover up the fact that this could have been mistaken for a 2010’s Black Eyed Peas song. This isn’t progressing their career. It’s just furthering regression.
Oh and J. Balvin is on this too. It’s funny that I brought up Pitbull earlier because J. Balvin has basically taken a similar career path. Whoring out features just for an easy couple bucks. A J. Balvin feature means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. It means you are whoring out your genre just to get your name added as a featuring credit. Was it worth whatever The Black Eyed Peas paid you to rap a line about Hakuna Matata with Timon and Pumba? What the hell does ANY of this have to do with Bad Boys 3?!
Are The Black Eyed Peas an overhated group? Possibly. But with all of these 2000’s nostalgia acts becoming things again, the last thing we needed was The Black Eyed Peas coming back with easy cash-ins when their careers died because of it in the first place.
Spoiler5. “If The World Was Ending” – JP Saxe (featuring Julia Michaels)
Talk about a song title capitalizing off the cultural zeitgeist.
I’ll be honest. I was actively avoiding this song for the longest time. Mostly due to my track record with Julia Michaels and how I think she is one of the most hollow and vapid singer-songwriters working today. Some people are not meant to make the transition to pop singers and Julia Michaels is one of them. She is just an empty vessel where music is supposed to come from. At least the pop singer she is most tied to Selena Gomez can manage a good song every now and then. I don’t know of a single Julia Michaels song I would even come close to finding tolerable. She just makes singing sound like a violent procedure.
And yet this song is somehow even more dull and limp than I initially feared. These two go together like hot sauce and whipped cream. JP Saxe is just as much of a non-presence as his featured guest. At least I could tell you that stars wanted Julia Michaels to write for them. When five of your top eight songs on your Spotify/Apple Music are different versions of this one song….well let’s just say good luck getting that second hit.
But the biggest disappointment of all is the producer, Finneas. I refuse to believe Billie Eilish’s older brother produced this shit. It sounds like coffee house piano music. It makes his production for Selena Gomez’s “Lose You To Love Me” sound like a five star Broadway show tune. At least that song sounds like it’s supposed to be theatrical. For a song called “If The World Was Ending”, this sounds like a lounge act on a cruise ship. WHERE’S THE TENSION?! WHERE’S THE PASSION!?
Can the meteor come and make songs like this extinct? Absolutely worthless song.
Spoiler2020. Once again, another huge year for Post Malone even though he didn’t even drop anything this year. But as seasons changed, “Circles” never truly left the Top 20 due to high amounts of radio volume as Nielsen’s charting system was basically broken the entire year. And due to such, “Circles” is one of the top ten biggest hits of all-time. So yeah, this was technically another huge year for Post Malone.
As Posty’s reign of success continues into the 2020’s, it was only a matter of time until the copycats started to come out in full force. And while not all of them were necessarily bad, it has become increasingly obvious that there is more to the Post Malone formula than I have ever given him credit for in the past. Isn’t it funny how that works sometimes? All it takes is one truly awful carbon copy to make you realize how much more talented the original really is.
4. “Falling” – Trevor Daniel
How the fuck did we let this guy chart with this song for nearly a whole year? This guy with his warbling bitchfit about the same topic all these new guys ever manage to write about anymore? He’s not even good at warbling. He doesn’t even sound like he gives a shit about his heartbreak. It just sounds like a mild inconvenience instead of absolutely devastating. God damn. At least Post Malone wails like it is killing him inside. At least Juice WRLD, may he rest in peace, was expressive with his emotions and sounded like he meant every word he was saying. Trevor Daniel just sounds bored as fuck.
I don’t really have too much to say because Trevor Daniel doesn’t say anything new that I haven’t heard five hundred times before. All I know is that only in this empty void of a year for actual hit singles was the only reason that this almost cracked the Top 20 of the actual year end list. That’s the only explanation I have as to why anyone would remotely care about this nothing of a song. Let’s move on. I’m falling asleep.
SpoilerSay what you want to about this trainwreck, but at least it manages to hold my attention.
3. “Intentions” – Justin Bieber (featuring Quavo)
It’s safe to say Justin Bieber is not worth keeping around anymore. He adds nothing to the table except his name which still somehow means something in the year 2020, where the quality of his output is easily the worst he’s ever put out. Yes even worse than in 2009 where Justin Bieber sucks jokes were the easiest way to get you credibility amongst your peers.
I’d rather listen to 2009 Justin Bieber than the Justin Bieber we have now. I’m not taking back what I said. The Justin Bieber of 2009 at least was fun to hate. The Justin Bieber we have now is insufferably dull. All of his output this year was just some of most nondescript uninteresting white noise I’ve heard from a popstar in quite some time. Justin Bieber has the personality of a wet piece of toast.
And “Intentions” is one of the best examples in recent memory of how dull and uninteresting Justin Bieber is as a performer. I mean my god, didn’t this guy use to be “cool”? Or at least that’s what the vibe most people got from him? When did he turn himself into the lead singer of Train with all of these bizarre romance metaphors? I mean I sure as hell wouldn’t swoon at being called an asset with a heart full of equity.
Oh and Quavo’s here too. Someone should have told Justin Bieber that this is 2020 and he’s three years late on the overabundance of Quavo guest features. That being said, Quavo’s adlibs are the highlight of this song. As in they get an unintentional laugh out of me, when I’m otherwise bored out of my fucking mind. That’s the only thing preventing this from being number one on this worst list. Seriously. Next.
SpoilerI’m done. Enough is enough.
2. “Memories” – Maroon 5
I’m as sick of talking about this nothing of a band, just as sick as everyone is of seeing them appear on numerous worst of the year lists year end and year out. They bring nothing to the table. They coast by on whatever qualifications are left on I Heart Radio’s increasingly limited standards of what classifies as hit pop music. I’m just done talking about Maroon 5. Just like Adam Levine is done with trying out any new ideas and has been done for nearly ten years now.
What makes “Memories” the new worst Maroon 5 song ever? I forget how it goes every time I hear it. And you would think a song that uses one of the most recognizable chord structures in all of music would be more memorable? Nope. I couldn’t even tell you how the chorus goes without listening to it. Something about memories bringing back you….whoever you are. The world’s only Maroon 5 fan left I assume.
Look this song sucks ass. You know it sucks ass. I know it sucks ass. Any good memories left of Maroon 5 are long gone. Let’s just move on, just like Adam Levine should be moving on from making music.
SpoilerAnd my number one this year wraps all the way back around to the story of this god awful year.
https://time.com/5791661/who-coronavirus-pandemic-declaration/
As I was saying at the beginning, when I tell my children about the Coronavirus pandemic, I’ll tell them that March 11, 2020 was the day the world came to a standstill. After all, that was the day both Tom Hanks and Rudy Gobert tested positive and most of the world realized that COVID-19 should be taken seriously. Sport seasons suspended. Entertainment venues shut down. New movies and television shows all delayed. The one form of media that didn’t shut down? Music.
While some artists like Gaga delayed their albums for months, hell in Kendrick's case indefinitely, others took advantage of us being locked in our homes by pushing forward with new music. Album bombs became more of a common occurrence. More challenges started taking off on TikTok. And of course, since we are still living through a deadly pandemic that has killed millions, we got charity singles.
1. “Stuck With U” – Ariana Grande & Justin Bieber
When it comes to all time bad charity singles, I wouldn’t even place “Stuck With U” in my top ten. Hell, this isn’t even the worst one from this year:
You’re damn right I’m sharing this one with my kids too. Yeah Ari and Biebs aren’t nowhere near as bad as Gal Gadot and friends. But when it comes to the most worthless songs of the year, this is absolutely at the top. This is the safest song I’ve ever heard either of these artists have ever recorded. A slowed down ballad from Ariana Grande? Gasp, what a novel concept. She sure hasn’t done that before. Justin Bieber singing about how there is nowhere else he’d rather be than with his girl? Gasp, two for two on original song material.
This is exactly the type of song that you would expect from either of these artists. You don’t even have to listen to it to immediately figure out exactly what you’re getting. Where’s the excitement? The impact? This is just a quick cash grab by Scooter Braun, who knows that charity specials were going to be a big thing this year. Just the correct amounts of evil I expected from this awful man. And to add to your forced legacy why not get a quick and easy number one?
Hehe, about that. We can’t talk about this song without the controversy that came with it.
Yeah, longtime enemy to the music critic community Tekashi 6ix9ine shared his disgust with Billboard’s constantly broken charting system that his comeback single “GOOBA” didn’t debut at number one but this duet did. Despite the fact that “GOOBA” ruled streaming that charting week as well as dominating YouTube, it only debuted at number three because “Stuck With U” got a last minute sales increase on bundle deals that pushed it to number one. Probably from Scooter himself.
What do I think about the “controversy”? I don’t. Like I said, Billboard’s charts will forever be broken. Studio executives and fan armies will always find ways to expose the flaws in Billboard’s charting systems. Whether it be mass purchasing singles, industry payola, strategic discounts, constant remixes…and so much more. You name it, people will find ways to get their artist(s) hits.
So yeah, congratulations “Stuck With U” from chart-blocking the comeback of a terrible human being who ended up using all the same tricks in the book to get his own duet with a pedophile defender to number one. But let’s not act like this is not an awful song on its own merits:
I’ma get to know you better
Kinda hope we’re here forever….FUCK YOU BIEBER YOU PRIVILEGED SHIT. I WOULDN’T WISH THIS PANDEMIC ONTO EVEN MY WORST OF ENEMIES. Worst two seconds in popular music 2020 for sure.
People are dying and Scooter is out here profiting off of a global pandemic with a half-assed song from two of the biggest popstars on the planet. Yeah sure the proceeds went to “charity” but the only charity that truly mattered all along was that number one spot knowing Scooter.
This is the saddest timeline.
Thoughts One Year Later: Yeah wouldn't change a thing about any of these. At the time it was really hard to work around a glitch my blog was having where media links were not embedding, so some of the videos or photos that are in this post are different from the ones from the original, but yeah otherwise all the content is accurate. Would I make any additional changes to rankings? Honestly, outside of "Yummy" by Justin Bieber being another dishonorable mention because it truly is a spectacular trainwreck, I wouldn't change a single post from my top ten. Hate all these songs.
Next up, my (yikes) Top Twenty Best Hit Songs of 2020. That one is going to be all sorts of challenging to import onto here. But looking forward to seeing what sorts of reactions that will get for those who didn't already read it.
-
2
-
-
Yep. You're reading this right. I'm bringing this back from the dead. For one last hurrah. I mean after all its been ten years of these....except for last year...which you can find on my blog.
cheap plug is supremely cheap...follow meBut ever since I've distanced myself from SBC as far as I have, I always couldn't help but feel like my departure from sharing these was as abrupt as it was. I mean I just decided to drop everything like a fly and just moved on to do my own thing. Which has gone fairly okay-ish. My blog may not be as active as it use to be, but I've taken on a few minor writing gigs on sites like Fiverr and have had a few interviews. Still keeping at it despite not being as active as it was last year. That being said, I know where I got my start and found my passion for writing through this tight knit group of friends and I would like to thank you all by finishing up what I started with the "tenth" and final anniversary of doing these lists on here for one last time.
After all, it is the holidays and we need to spread Christmas cheer and give back to our friends and loved ones. And I will be sticking to sharing this post on my blog like I did last year, but sharing it on here as well at the exact same time. So whether you chose to read my blog or SBC, the decision is up to you. But I will be sharing my 2020 lists in this thread as well to make up for some lost time on here before I get around to sharing my lists on here for 2021.
So happy ten years and looking forward to sharing my year-end lists next month. And looking forward to reading yours as well if you chose to do a couple yourself.
-
1
-
2
-
-
Hey I'm back for another round!
113. Big Fat Fact-Checker
Film: Big Fat Liar
Mythix is a compulsive liar and slacker living in the fictional city of SBC. Mythix tries to get out of his creative writing essay by making up obvious lies, but gets caught by his English teacher, Mr.Wumbo, who alerts his parents that Mythix has repeatedly shared false information and that the independent fact-checkers said the information Mythix has provided is false. He is given three hours to submit his essay or he will fail English and repeat it in summer school. Mythix uses his talent for spreading obviously fake news to write a story titled "Big Fat Fact-Checker". While riding his old bike to turn in the essay, Mythix is run over by the limousine of an arrogant Hollywood screenwriter and producer, SBL, and he convinces SBL to give him a ride. SBL is in town shooting his action comedy film Crock Blocked. During the ride, SBL admits he also tells lies and that the truth is overrated. In a rush, Mythix accidentally leaves his essay in the limo when it falls out of his backpack. SBL is inspired by the story when he reads it and decides to keep it for himself. Realizing his essay is missing, Mythix tries to explain what happened, but neither his parents nor Mr. Wumbo believe him and he is sent to summer school to repeat English.
Mythix and his best friend, Homie, later discover SBL has plagiarized Mythix's essay into a fake news media propaganda when they see a trailer for it at the movie theater. During the long weekend, they fly to SBCinemaland while their parents are out of town, and Mythix and Homie sneak into SBL’s office at his eponymous studio to request that SBL confess to his parents, only for SBL to purposefully burn Mythix's essay and call security to remove them. Angered, they decide to inconvenience him until he confesses. SBL's former limo driver and struggling actor, Aquatic Nuggets, agrees to help Mythix and Homie get him back because of his own troubled history with him. They sabotage SBL through a number of pranks, like dying his skin yellow and hair pink, super gluing his headset to his ear, tricking him into going to JCM, in a cameo’s, birthday party, where JCM mistakes him for the hired clown and beats him up, and tampering the controls to his car, causing it to malfunction and play Tom MacDonald’s “Fake Woke”. SBL's car is also rear-ended by a cranky elderly woman, knocking it forward into a violent monster truck owned by a wrestler known as The Old Man Jenkins. Thinking SBL nearly hit him, The Old Man Jenkins destroys his car with his truck.
SBL plans to produce Big Fat Fact-Checker with SBCinema, but Jjsthekid, the newly-appointed president of the SBCinemas, loses confidence in SBL after the critical and box office failure of his latest film Crock Blocked. Jjs declines to approve the budget for Big Fat Fact-Checker, so Mythix agrees to help SBL in exchange for his confession to his parents. With Mythix’s advice, SBL makes a successful presentation which gets the film approved by SBCinema, but SBL subsequently betrays Mythix and calls security to remove him and Homie for the second time. SBL's assistant, Cha, has grown tired of his reporting behavior and treatment of her and decides to help Mythix and Homie to expose him. They gather SBLNN's other tormented employees and devise a plan to expose him, while Mythix has his parents fly to SBCinemaland after admitting to them what he did the whole weekend.
The next morning, SBL heads to the news network to begin filming Big Fat Fact-Checker, but his employees delay him through a number of mishaps. As SBL finally arrives, he encounters Mythix, who kidnaps his NFTs. Mythix flees across the studio, luring SBL to a rooftop where he retrieves his NFT and mocks Mythix for trying to make him confess, admitting his actions, arrogantly believing no one is listening or ever will, and proclaiming he will never tell the truth to anyone, believing the truth to be overrated. However, the entire conversation is revealed to have been caught on camera and is witnessed by Mythix's parents, the media, and Jjs, who immediately fires SBL for his actions. Mythix thanks SBL for teaching him an important lesson about the truth not being overrated. SBL insanely laughs, angrily threatens to get him back and furiously tries to attack him, but luckily, Mythix leaps off the building, and safely lands on a stunt cushion, where he finally regains his parents' trust.
At the end of the film, SBCinema produces Big Fat Fact-Checker after SBL's firing while using the skills of people whom he had abused. The film becomes a critical and commercial success, with Mythix receiving full credit for writing his original story, pleasing his parents and Mr. Wumbo. Meanwhile, SBL declares bankruptcy and begins a new job as a birthday clown.
THIS EPISODE OF SBCINEMA IS BEING DISPUTED
REASON: FOR SPREADING LIES ABOUT SBLNN
-
1
-
-
What else can I say except thank you all for following this show for as long as we have. Even amidst a pandemic, the SBCinema will continue to keep running. Here's to hopefully another 100 episodes! And with that out of the way, onto the feature presentation:
100. Boomer
Film: Joker (2019)
Internet clown and aspiring QAnon conspiracy theorist, Todd Phillips lives with his mother, Jenna, in SBC City. SBC is rife with crime and unemployment, leaving swaths of the population disenfranchised and impoverished. Todd suffers from a medical disorder that causes him to rant at inappropriate times, depending on retweets and follows for medication. After a gang of spammers attacks Todd in an alley, his co-worker Ssj gives him a gun for protection. Todd pursues a relationship with his neighbor, single mother Katie, and invites her to his upcoming twitter rant routine against the liberal agenda. Live on Twitch.
While entertaining at a church, Todd's gun falls out of his pocket. Ssj plays devils advocate that Todd bought the gun so he can touch himself at night, and Todd is fired. On the subway, still in his internet clown makeup, Todd is beaten by three drunken Wumbo Enterprises businessmen (Fred, Steel, and Kevin) singing that Frank Sinatra classic….”Send in the Internet Clowns”; he shoots Fred and Steel in self-defense and wounds Kevin before pursuing him off the train and executing him on the stairs calling him dumb. The killings are condemned by billionaire mayoral candidate Ralph Wiggum Fan, who calls those envious of more successful people "internet clowns." Demonstrations against SBC's rich begin, with protesters donning internet clown masks in Todd's image. His controversial rant routines shut down Todd’s favorite conservative platform, Parler.
Katie attends Todd's twitter rant routine, which goes poorly; he goes off on tirades about stolen elections and how Mike Pence is a traitor and has difficulty delivering his jokes. Todd's idol, popular talk show host, SBL News Network, mocks Todd by showing tweets from his twitter rant routine on his show. Todd intercepts a letter written by Jenna to Wiggum, alleging that he is Wiggum's illegitimate son, and berates his mother for hiding the truth. Todd goes to Wiggum Manor, where he meets Wiggum's young son JCM, in a cameo, but flees after a scuffle with the family butler Old Man Jenkworth. Following a visit from two SBC City Police Department detectives Jjs and SOF investigating Todd's involvement in the train murders, Jenna suffers a stroke and is hospitalized.
Todd sneaks into a private viewing event presenting the first SBCinema film "User Centipede" and confronts Wiggum, who tells him that Jenna never sent him a sexy message and is not his biological mother. In denial, Todd visits Discord State Hospital and steals Jenna's case file; the file says Jenna adopted Todd as a baby and allowed her abusive boyfriend to harm them both. However, Jenna claims that Wiggum used his influence to fabricate the adoption to hide their affair. Distraught, Todd returns home and enters Katie's apartment unannounced. Frightened, Katie tells him to stop creeping; their relationship was merely a figment of Todd's imagination. The following day, Todd kills Jenna at the hospital.
Todd is invited to appear on SBL's show due to the unexpected popularity of his routine's clips. As he prepares, Todd is visited by ex-colleagues Ssj and Zaid. Todd murders Ssj but spares Zaid for giving him a gift card to Circuit City. En route to the studio, Todd is pursued by Jjs and SOF onto a train filled with internet clown protesters. SOF accidentally shoots a protester and incites a riot, allowing Todd to escape; the rioters brutally beat Jjs and SOF as Todd leaves.
Before the show goes live, Todd requests that SBL introduce him as Boomer, a reference to SBL's previous mockery. Todd walks out to applause, but starts telling morbid conspiracy theories, confesses to the train murders, rants about how society abandons the classic shows of the 90s, and berates SBL for mocking him on the previous segment. When SBL criticizes him and threatens to call the police, Todd shoots him twice on live television, killing him; he is arrested for murder as riots break out across SBC. One of the rioters corners the Wiggum family in an alley and murders Wiggum and his wife, Megan Thee Stallion, sparing JCM, for another cameo. Rioters in an ambulance crash into the police car carrying Todd, freeing him; he stands atop the car, tells his followers that Trump will become president again on March 4th to the cheers of the crowd, and smears blood on his face in the form of a smile.
On Discord, Todd laughs to himself about a joke and tells his psychiatrist Jared Leto that he would not understand it. Jared Leto asks if it’s because we live in a society. Seconds later, Todd runs from an orderly, leaving behind a trail of bloodied footprints. Proving Leto correct:
Directed by the guy who made The Hangover….whatever his name was….
-
1
-
4
-
-
Let me know when the game finally gets released and not this beta test version that’s been making headlines calling itself Cyberpunk 2077.
Cosmic Jelly #4:
-
The wife beater is the worst.
-
On 10/28/2020 at 10:29 PM, dragiiin123 said:
wheres clappy?
-
1
-
-
Surprised to see not a single post about the game since it was released. I mean after all, it’s the most talked about game of 2020 (unless we are counting Cyberpunk 2077 for all the wrong reasons).
Love the game, although the GameCube original and arguably New Leaf are both better at this point and time. Maybe after another year or two of updates, this will feel less like a console version of New Leaf and bring us more depth and excitement. Because after my island became five stars, I wanted more tasks to do than what was provided.
But I will give New Horizons the same praise many people have given it this year. It helped keep me sane during the pandemic and provide a badly needed sense of escapism. Hell I’m still playing it now although not nearly as much as I did in the pandemic early days. It’s still giving me serotonin in a year where a lot of people need it.
My squad btw (with my wife in a cameo):
-
What a finale. I cheered. I cried. Hell I logged on to talk about it. It was a roller coaster ride of emotions that still has me shaken one day later. This is the way (yes that was intentional) to end a season leaving me wanting the next one right away. December 2021 can’t come fast enough.
-
4
-
-
Breaking my five month absence from the forums to give this spinoff my final thoughts:
-
1
-
-
As I alluded to in the worst list, 2019 was a great year. But is it the best of the decade for film? And that answer is….yes.
When this year started, I wasn’t even certain that this was going to be a good year, let alone great. But the more I stand back and look at this year as a whole, I can’t deny. As the year went only, the content quality was consistently exceeding my expectations. There were a lot of damn great movies this year. This is the best film year I’ve ever covered doing these entertainment threads. Hell it might be one of the best ever in the box office era if I think long and hard about it. Like as good as years like 1985, 1994, 1999, 2009 to name a few of the all-time great box office years for film.
It only made crafting this list all the more harder. Like my honorable mentions candidates would make the best list proper in other years. And then some of these best list choices would make it into Top 3 as well if this was 2015 or 2011, two of the weaker film years from this decade.
What a way to end my film reviewing on this site. In case you missed my announcement on the decade end list, I've relaunched my blog. I'm moving on from writing on this site, for good this time. It's been a hell of a ride and I can't thank you all enough. Once again if you missed the link to my blog, well here you go:
http://mediamanbobeh.blogspot.com/
Anyway, let's prolong this even further with a larger than usual list of honorable mentions.
SpoilerThe Lighthouse
A lot of my regular film fanatic sites I go constantly recommended this movie to me. And honestly, at first glance it seemed a little too indie for its own good. And my god did I eat my own words so fast. This was an absolutely compelling film from start to finish. Great acting, great imagery, great symbolism. The ending left me thinking for days about how to interpret it. Definite recommendation for a good movie that will leave you thinking.
The LEGO Movie 2: The Second Part
Probably one of my biggest disappointments of the year since The LEGO Movie is one of my favorite animated movies of the past decade; and all we got from it was more of the same with a fuck ton of musical numbers in between. But you know what? This still made me smile in this dark entertainment timeline we are living in. That being said, I wouldn’t be surprised if we got any more LEGO movies for quite some time. After all, it is becoming quite clear that they are becoming a niche audience now with the same humor, same storytelling, same damn near everything. Oh well, it had a respectable run while it lasted.
Shazam!
My personal favorite DC Extended Universe movie so far. Mostly due to being a superhero version of one of my favorite 80s movies “Big”. Glad to see Zachary Levi become relevant again. The world needs more Chuck.
Toy Story 4
Worst Toy Story movie ever. It was only great instead of outstanding. My standards for this franchise have dropped. For real though, Bunny and Ducky were involved with some of the hardest moments I’ve laughed at in any movie this year.
Us
Let this sink in. Jordan Peele is now a box-office draw solely as a director. Only a handful of directors can make that claim. This wasn’t as good as Get Out, but on second viewing, I’ve grown to like this even more than I initially did.
IT: Chapter Two
The first time watching this left a lot to be desired from my perspective. But I rewatched this while I was on vacation, and you know what? I liked it a lot more than I remembered. I still think some of the twists were fairly stupid, but I still think a lot of the acting was good and Pennywise will go down as the horror icon of the 2010’s. Not as great as the first, but still an entertaining enough movie.
A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood
Tom Hanks transformation into Fred Rogers is something to really behold. It’s as close to perfect casting as I’ve ever come across. Even though the rest of the movie is simply good, not great; it is Tom Hanks that makes this movie great.
Always Be My Maybe
Now this was a charming little film. Honestly, I’m glad to see that romantic comedies are coming back smarter, with a lot more effort, and have scene stealing Keanu Reeves cameos. I also hope that this movie helped make Ali Wong a bigger star because she is talented as hell.
Someone Great
Netflix sure made some damn charming romantic comedies this year, what can I say? Honestly I liked this one a smidge less than the former I mentioned previously because it had some fairly cringe moments at times, but the message was still fairly well delivered. Any 20-something who has ever had a romantic life crisis can absolutely relate to the painstaking heartbreak the lead character of this movie is going through. Also fun facts. Taylor Swift’s “Death By a Thousand Cuts” was inspired by this movie and this movie helped make Lizzo’s “Truth Hurts” a crossover hit.
The Irishman
Fun fact. I saw this movie at the New York Film Festival the weekend before my wedding. This was originally one of my most anticipated movies of the year. And for the most part, it held up to my expectations. Scorsese is a damn good director. These are all damn good actors. The de-aging effects were pretty good, not great. My only problem was the run time. My mind definitely wandered at times because I was sitting throughout all three and a half hours. Maybe if I saw this on Netflix and broke my viewing experience into two different shifts, this would be on the list proper. But still a really good movie all the same.
Ready Or Not
One of two great murder mysteries from this year. Nothing against this one in particular, I liked it an awful lot at the time. I thought for sure it would be a lock to make my best list at the time. But the other great murder mystery of this year was Knives Out. I’m not even going to hide the fact that Knives Out made my best list. Duh. It was just all the more well-made and just fantastic all around. Sorry.
Pokémon Detective Pikachu
Honestly the best video game adaptation of a movie that I’ve ever seen. Is it perfect? Hell no. This movie has so many of the most done to death clichés that were so bluntly obvious that you could see them coming from a mile away. But the things I loved about this movie made up for so many of the problems. This is a film universe where I would love to just sit in and spend the rest of my life in. I hope this leads to even more live action Pokémon movies in the future.
How To Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World
Someday we are going to look back and think to ourselves, man How To Train Your Dragon is the best animated trilogy of the 2000’s. Consistently great movies. All of them. This was probably the weakest of the bunch, but that’s only furthering this series greatness that this one was the weakest. It was damn good, I liked it a lot.
Ford v Ferrari
When I coined the term “awards bait movies” years ago, this was one of the prime examples of such a candidate. Based on a true stories starring multi-time nominated character actors, who are priming for another nomination to add to their collection of them. If I was in a more cynical state of mind, I would have probably hated this for being as such. But look at the time we are in now, where the cultural zeitgeist is so dour and upsetting. We honestly need more crowd pleasers like this that make you turn off your brain and get completely invested in stories like this about two guys who love what they do. Also major props to Christian Bale for once again getting completely lost in this role. He is seriously one of the best character actors of our time and we should appreciate him for that.
John Wick Chapter 3: Parabellum
The year of Keanu Reeves. Seriously if you told me that Keanu would have an action trilogy that would be better than The Matrix all these years ago, I would have laughed in your face. Well guess whose laughing now? I am for being proven wrong. Keep it up.
Fighting With My Family
An excellent movie about one of my favorite female wrestlers of all time. It’s like this movie was tailor made for me.
Jojo Rabbit
Fuck the haters. This was hilariously charming. Everyone who has been bashing this movie clearly did not watch the rest of Taika’s filmography before he became mainstream with Thor: Ragnarock.
1917
I felt like I was watching an epic video game cut scene all in one shot. One of the best war movies of this decade for sure.
Now onto the last proper 2019 list. We're counting down one last time!
CLAPPY'S TOP TEN BEST FILMS OF 2019
Spoiler
And this film is proof of that.
10. Parasite
This is honestly the last film I watched before finalizing my best list. And maybe I’ll look back and think to myself that maybe I’m underselling how great this really is. After all, I will be the first to admit that when it comes to foreign films, I usually have to really sit down and invest myself 1000%.
And I’m honestly glad that I did just that because this movie is fucking insane. The way this movie constantly escalates while switching visual tones and blending genres is wild. All while maintaining such a perfect tone throughout. Bong Joon-ho absolutely deserves this best director nod. He’s been making great movies for awhile and it took me awhile to figure out why I recognized his name. He directed one of the most criminally underrated movies of 2013 with Snowpiercer and then he directed the 2006 version of The Host….which ended up getting screwed up by Hollywood with a remake seven years later.
And while I did really enjoy both of those movies a lot, they don’t even compare to Parasite. Which like I said earlier was masterclass filmmaking at its finest. I don’t think this film would have been as widely praised as it was without a director that knew what he was doing and had an absolute vision for how he wanted this to turn out. It’s a satire of social inequality that doesn’t hold back and I love it all the same for doing so.
All that being said, Hollywood. Please do not do what you always do with foreign movies and remake this with an A-list cast within the next five years. Because it will completely miss the point.
SpoilerI mentioned on my worst list how audiences are finally speaking out against unnecessary sequels, remakes, and reboots amongst other overdone ideas at the box office. But let’s be real here. Studios are still going to make them. It is a proven formula that studio executives are still going to greenlight. Maybe a little more selectively now.
-I don’t think we are going to see any more Terminator movies for a really long time.
-And that maybe outdated properties like Angry Birds that made over $100 million domestic at the near end of its relevance shouldn’t get the sequel treatment years later.
-And who the fuck cares about ancient properties like Shaft and Charlie’s Angels in 2019?
-And not all horror movies should get sequels. Especially if there isn’t a real demand for them. Nearly forty years late. But I’m glad this one happened.
9. Doctor Sleep
Y’all really slept on Doctor Sleep. I mean I don’t blame you for doing so. Warner Brothers really dropped the fucking ball with this one. Who wants to see horror movies nearly a week after Halloween? Why didn’t they push this to October? A horror movie with excellent reviews in October would have made them much more money. One of the biggest release schedule fails of the year easily.
But yeah, this movie was fantastic. I talked about its director Mike Flanagan on my best tv shows of the decade list and how you can tell how passionate this guy is about the horror genre. Flanagan has made so many great horror movies this decade. His best being a Stephen King adaptation of Gerald’s Game. A movie I absolutely undersold on my honorable mentions list in 2017. This Stephen King adaptation is even better.
Another reason this one also underperformed was probably due to the studio’s not advertising this as a sequel to The Shining. One of the best adaptations and movies ever made. For once, I’m glad they didn’t do that. Do you know how badly the internet would have reacted if they called this The Shining 2 or The Shining Saga: Doctor Sleep? It would have gotten destroyed by the internet. I’m glad it didn’t do that. That would have been a terrible title.
Either way, I really don’t want to reveal too much more about this movie. It’s really one of those movies you all have to see to really believe why a sequel to The Shining was absolutely warranted.
SpoilerIn the honorable mentions, I talked about crowd pleasers. Well ladies and gents, let’s talk about my favorite crowd pleaser of 2019.
8. The Peanut Butter Falcon
Honestly, this movie was one of the best feel good movies I’ve seen in a long time. It reminded me a lot of Mark Twain novels like Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn except about a kid with Downs syndrome. And they could have spent the entire movie making it about the fact that this guy has Downs syndrome, but instead they make him just another guy with a lot more depth than meets the eye.
Zack Gottsagen is a motherfucking star. He is going to get so many more movie roles because of how excellent he was as Zak. And not only did he act his ass off, but he also turned around the life of one Shia LaBeouf. 2019 was a career renaissance for Shia LaBeouf as he finally addressed his personal demons and turned in some of the best acting of his entire career. Shia has been on the record that one of the ways his life got turned around was by meeting Zack Gottsagen and developing such a deep personal friendship with him. So to everyone who thought that moment at the Academys was rude of Shia, do some actual research. I hate cancel culture.
But yeah, watch this movie fam. You’ll be on the edge of your seats smiling, laughing, crying, and just feeling good after seeing this. You won’t be sorry.
SpoilerBohemian Rhapsody sure got trashed by y’all in 2018. A lot of it having to do with Bryan Singer being a toxic terrible person. Y’all aren’t wrong. Fuck that guy. But this movie sure made a fuck ton of money. Proving that there is a market for musical biopic’s of rock stars from yesteryear. Who knows. Maybe one of these days, one will be so great that it ends up on my best list….
7. Rocketman
Dammit Taron Egerton is bloody fantastic. This guy is going to be one of the biggest names of the next ten years, mark my words.
Now that I got that gushing out of the way, let’s go back to that preamble. Bohemian Rhapsody ended up replacing Bryan Singer during production with some D-list director named Dexter Fletcher. Now how much of the movie was helmed by Fletcher? I couldn’t tell ya. But based off some of the comparable visuals in the movie, maybe a couple scenes because Rocketman has a lot of artful transition sequences between musical numbers from Sir Elton John’s discography and his personal life. And you know what? They fucking work excellently. Every single one of them. So kudos where its due to Dexter Fletcher because clearly this is his style of filmmaking and it works well for him. He could make nothing but musical biopics for the rest of his life and I wouldn’t complain if they all looked exactly like Rocketman’s.
But most importantly, this movie was a damn near perfect biopic of one of my favorite singers of all time. I don’t know how many of you know this about me, but I’m a pretty massive Elton John fan. And unlike with Bohemian Rhapsody, Elton John had massive amounts of creative control over this story of his life. Was a lot of it glamorized by Hollywood studios? Of course, let’s not kid ourselves here. But at least it was 100% true. Elton John was always a theatrical performer so of course it makes sense that his story translates so seemlessly to film.
More of this please. Less Bohemian Rhapsody. And maybe, just maybe musical biopics will be still standing. Next.
SpoilerYou know even with one of the best years for movies of my life time, I can still manage to dedicate an entry to one of my favorite genres, the “coming of age” high school movie.
6. Booksmart
And this came from Olivia Wilde of all people. Sure as hell didn’t expect in the year 2019, but this year was chalk full of surprises. This movie being one of them. I’ll give all my shoutouts to Kat for finally convincing me to see this. What the hell took me so long? I loved every minute of it. Weird thing being I think I loved it for different reasons than she did.
One of the things that the critics wouldn’t stop gushing about with this movie was how fresh of a spin this movie took on the buddy comedy approach. And I’ll be honest, they are dead wrong. Except for one lesbian sex scene and a hilarious drug trip, absolutely nothing about this movie was nothing I’ve ever seen before. Keep in mind, that’s not a complaint. I like unoriginality as long as it comes from a good place and for this movie’s sake, it keeps me laughing. Which it did both of that in spades.
But I think the one thing that more people should praise this movie for, and is the key element that I took away from this, is about stereotyping. This movie’s message about realizing that nobody is a stereotype was phenomenally handled. Like even I typecasted a lot of these characters when they were first introduced, but every single one of them was not what I expected of them by the time the end credits rolled.
This movies gets an A+ and I can’t wait to see what “coming of age” movie makes my best list next year. Because let’s face it, we are on a roll with getting one new good one each year.
Spoiler5. Honey Boy
I think this goes without saying, but Shia LaBeouf is one of the most polarizing actors of our generation. The guy is nearly the same age as me and all his drug and alcohol abuse makes him look like he’s lost ten to fifteen years of his life. The guy has some serious demons from his personal life that has led to him going to rehab to heal himself for the sake of his mental and physical health. And during his latest stint, he wrote this movie.
Honey Boy is a honest, intense, and powerful look at “Otis”, a young actor who struggles to deal with his mental health due to his relationship with his abusive manager/father. This movie is not subtle. “Otis” is Shia. And Shia plays the role of his own father. Absolutely nothing is held back here and how honest this movie is about Shia’s relationship with his dad was absolutely worth streaming the moment I got a chance to.
But seriously, you can see why Shia became the way he was as we watched how his father treated him during his Disney childhood and the “Transformers” and “Indiana Jones” movies launching his career into a young star on the rise and how he handled it. You will come out of this movie feeling personally sorry for how fucked up Shia’s life was.
I seriously hope making this movie helped cleanse Shia of some of the personal demons he has been dealing with over the last ten years. This movie made me want to root for the guy. Hell I feel like the Academy absolutely robbed him twice for nominations for both movies. More so for Honey Boy than The Peanut Butter Falcon.
2019. The year that hopefully resurrected Shia LaBeouf’s career. It sure did for me.
SpoilerIt’s sad to see the Star Wars franchise in state of flux at the beginning of this new decade. It’s really made me look back at where it all went wrong and honestly, it’s the same thing that made The Force Awakens the highest grossing movie domestically. Fan service. The Star Wars fanboys have been fairly vocal for quite some time now, but with Disney at the helm of the franchise, vocal fandom has taken a new low as it has lead to MANY changes for the future of the iconic franchise.
And the outpour of fandom toxicity became all the more apparent after The Last Jedi subverted our expectations. A lot of die hards HATED that film so much that they started a petition to remake it. So sad to see because honestly, The Last Jedi was the best Disney Star Wars movie out of the five we have gotten so far. But Disney took note of the extremity of The Last Jedi’s fan reception and not only brought back JJ Abrams, but they cancelled Rian Johnson’s trilogy of Star Wars movies. Poor Rian. What will he go on to do now?
4. Knives Out
Bring back murder mysteries in a whole new light. That’s fine by me.
This was the sleeper hit in a year where sleeper hits couldn’t get to 100 million domestic. I can’t believe Rian Johnson was able to do it with a genre that has gone largely on the decline over the last ten years. Most murder mysteries end up on television now or more commonly, books. To do what he did with a lesser budget and a great cast was amazing.
Honestly that’s what made this phenomenal. This cast. I loved every performance. I love Christopher Plummer, despite how little we got to see of him. I love the eccentricity of Jamie Lee Curtis, Michael Shannon, and Toni Collette. Three actors playing completely in their element perfectly. Ana de Armas is a star that’s absolutely on the rise. But you know who the two best performances were from? Chris Evans playing a completely not Steve Rogers type. This GIF will absolutely be used by me for quite some time:
And most notably, Daniel Craig. The moment he opened his mouth, I absolutely laughed at how bad his southern accent was. But then it became supremely charming the more it grew on me. And then it became a recurring joke throughout the movie how bad it was.
I can’t wait to see More Knives are Out. Hint hint Lionsgate for your sequel’s movie title.
SpoilerHonestly, what’s left for there to say about this one?
3. Avengers: Endgame
I’ve talked countlessly; and I do mean countlessly, about how excellent of a sendoff this was for the first ten years of the Marvel Cinematic Universe. I wouldn’t have changed a damn thing. Even the time traveling, which let’s be honest, we can sit here and nitpick everything this movie could have done differently since they introduced it into the film.
Somebody I followed on Twitter made the completely accurate comparison of how this movie was like when Michael Scott left The Office. The Office still continued, but that was the perfect finale and nothing was ever the same since. I fully expect the Marvel Cinematic Universe to continue for another ten to twenty years. Hell possibly until the day Kevin Feige dies. But I’ll be hardpressed to find a more satisfying ending than that last battle against Thanos and company. That will be the penultimate comic book moment in cinematic history. I nerded out super hard more so than quite possibly anything I’ve ever sat through than that.
I Love Endgame 3000.
SpoilerAs I previously announced, I’m not doing a decade end list for movies. Since it’s basically impossible for me to do so because I don’t have a definitive best and I have an obvious worst. But I already teased that there would be two 2019 movies in my top ten shortlist for movies that I would consider the absolute best of the 2010s. So let’s talk about them.
2. Marriage Story
Clappy’s Best Picture of the Best Picture 2019 candidates. I’ve praised this movie to death on Discord so I’ll keep this one short. This is an acting clinic to the point that these characters feel like real people. I would have honestly given all three nominees the best actor, actress, and supporting actress for Adam Driver, Scarlett Johansson, and Laura Dern respectively.
But the most important aspect of all this is how real this movie felt. Watching two people who were once happily married fall out of love and go through the entire legal aspects of divorce just felt so real. And the one, count it, ONE scene of these two arguing was an absolutely intense moment and is one of the best acting scenes captured on film in the last ten years for sure. If the day comes that I become a film teacher or professor, I would show that scene to my students and tell them that this right here is how you act:
Marriage Story is one of those movies I hope makes a lasting impression in film circles for years to come.
SpoilerAnd yet, my number one completely defied every expectation I ever had for it. It got all time robbed by the Academy in basically every category. And if you all don’t know what it is by now then click this link:
https://ew.com/movies/2019/12/03/adam-sandler-uncut-gems-oscars-win-bad-movie/
To understand why I’m excited for Grown Ups 3: Fart Camp.
1. Uncut Gems
Simply put, this is the movie that will make me never give Adam Sandler shit ever again. Because his acting here was transcendent. I quite often point out that there are roles in movies where the casting was 100% perfect because you can’t picture anyone else doing this role. Well nobody but Adam Sandler could have played the role of jeweler Howard Ratner. He’s just so hateable to the point that he’s absolutely charming. Only Adam Sandler can do a role this perfectly. Even in his most detestable movies, Adam Sandler is such a charming personality that you can’t hate the guy as a person. And even though he is obviously playing a character, this character transcends being such to the point that it makes you look beyond into him as an actor. Dare I say it, I’ve always been an Adam Sandler fan. Because I knew the guy could act. He’s made a handful of legitimately damn good movies that prove as such. But this is an all-time great performance.
And kudos where its due. He was able to get that performance due to some fantastic direction. I knew nothing about The Safdie Brothers before this movie. This movie made me check out their previous works and my god these guys have some mighty bright futures. Watching this movie is like a constant assault onto everything I thought I knew about how crime thriller movies like this tend to go. It felt like I was watching an action movie at times when I wouldn’t consider it that. Not even close. Kudos where its due to the editing and cinematography as well.
And hell, why stop with Sandler’s performance alone? This casting list is the polar opposite of Knives Out in regards to that being star studded and this being a list of why are they in this movie. I mean this movie also stars Idina Menzel, Judd Hirsch, LaKeith Stanfield (who ironically was also in Knives Out) Mantis from Guardians of the Galaxy, and basketball player Kevin Garnett and The Weeknd playing themselves in bigger roles than you’d expect. And the shocking thing about all these supporting actors and actresses are that they all do a damn good job acting.
But at the end of the day, this is Adam Sandler’s movie. And I can’t stop praising his performance enough. Fuck it. You win Sandman. Fitting that the guy who helped launch my interest in film critiquing on this site with my Baby Sandler rating system gets my prestigious honor of Best Film of 2019; which is also my last film list for this site. Got to love it when things come full circle like that.
Grown Ups 3: Fart Camp. For your consideration for Best Picture 2020.
Thank you all for reading. I Love You 3000.
-
5
-
1
-
-
Hey so this topic is as good as any to make this announcement in. Some of you already know what this is about from a conversation on Discord last week. But to those of you who missed it, well here ya go.
I've got two more lists I plan to do. The Best Films of 2019 and The Best Hit Songs of the 2010's. I was originally planning to do a Best/Worst Films of the 2010's list, but honestly, there is no real surprises. I don't have a definitive best film of this decade. I have multiple. And if you guys want to know what the five best films of this decade are....well here ya go:
SpoilerThe Social Network, Whiplash, Silver Linings Playbook, Roma, and my Best Film of 2019 (to be continued lol) are all amazing films in their own right to the point that I can't really rank them. Honorable mentions in no particular order include my second Best Film of 2019, The Avengers, Ex Machina, The Wolf of Wall Street, and Blade Runner 2049. There you go. An unofficially official top ten list.
And my worst film of the decade isn't even a contest. It's my worst film of 2019, The Haunting of Sharon Tate. I did a damn good job explaining why its terrible there and I really don't feel like repeating myself again. Probably one of the top three worst movies I've ever seen. The Devil Inside (2012) is second in case anyone wanted something else to hold them over.
But I wanted to take the time to mention that what I posted on the first page is really self-fulfilling. You'll be seeing a lot less of me around these parts after I'm done with those last two pieces. I mean obviously, real life priorities already make me come on a lot less these last six years or so. But honestly the main reason I still come around here is due to the friends I still keep up with from here and my writing. And my writing is now moving back to blog form (again):
http://mediamanbobeh.blogspot.com/
It's back! I plan to update this blog again in an effort to get recognized once more from one of the publications I plan to apply to. I mentioned to y'all once I got an interview with /Film awhile back. And it was thanks to that blog. I really want to follow through with my ambitions to write for a major publication so I'm going to give this a second chance with my music and movie reviews. Already got multiple projects in the works to keep me around that blog for quite some time. I already shared a couple updates like the obligatory welcome back post and I shared a music year end retrospective (The Worst Hit Songs of 1974). Hell, I'm planning a few crossovers with other content creators (the obligatory Wumbo crossover is obligatory) as well kind of like I do around here.
So don't consider this a goodbye. Consider this as me moving on. I've already stated that I don't believe in people "leaving forums" because you can always login. Either way, I'm moving on from these types of year end threads since I've got a blog for that now and if you want to read those, I'll gladly appreciate it. But I promise I'll fulfill my final two lists. It really helped inspire me to pursue this venue again after years of wondering what ifs. And to that, I say thank you all for reading.
-
2
-
-
Ever since I started doing these year-end threads, my personal takes on movies in general for the year have been a roller coaster ride of quality. The odd numbered years have been mostly bad while the even number years have been mostly good. So with that being said, how do I feel about 2019 for cinema? It’s very complicated.
I’m not calling it a bad year for movies. Honestly, if you want a general take, it was a great year. More about that when it comes to the best list. But Cinema 2019 will not be remembered for its quality to me. It will be remembered as the year the general public has finally spoken up. To paraphrase one of the box office sites I go to, Boxofficeprophets.com, we as a society now have multiple formats to view movies. We now have theaters offering us deals to pay to see unlimited movies. More and more lesser known studios are starting to take their projects to streaming services like Netflix and Hulu instead of giving them theatrical releases. And you know who this is affecting the most of all? The Box Office.
2019 box office returns were not kind to any studio not named Disney; which has adapted incredibly well to the times that its scary how much bigger they are going to get. Multiple properties outside the Mouse House bombed in major ways. Domestic returns on established money earners from the past underperformed. Sequels, remakes, reboots, adaptations, etc. are no longer guaranteed to get greenlit after seeing some of the financials from this year. The general public is finally speaking up after all these years of me pondering if they ever will want more original material. 2019 may be a year of underperformance, but I feel like this is a good thing. It will get more studios to try new things or build something from an established property into something even bigger like Marvel Studios did with the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Who knows what will happen from this point forward, but I think it’s about time we stopped being satisfied with the status quo.
And with said change coming, it’s about time I change with the times too. Original movies from streaming services are finally capable of qualifying for my year end lists. I’ve slowly integrated them in the past if they had theatrical releases, but I think it’s about time to fully allow it to happen. So let’s start with some dishonorable mentions:
SpoilerStar Wars: The Rise of Skywalker
I may have went in with lowered expectations, but this movie still was not good. Say what you want about the prequels, but at least George Lucas had an idea as to how the trilogy was going to turn out long term. This movie confirmed that Disney only made this trilogy solely to make money. I can go on a long soliloquy about all my problems with this movie, but everything that has been said about this has been said. I really don’t have anything original to really state.
This isn’t dethroning Attack of the Clones for worst movie in the Star Wars saga, but at least Attack of the Clones has distinctly memorable moments that stand out. Anything memorable about Rise of Skywalker has already been done better in other Star Wars movies. The final action scene which admittedly was cool at first? It’s something this series has done four previous times. Rey and Ben using the force to communicate with each other? The only idea that was kept from The Last Jedi. Lando…just Lando. This trilogy’s sole purpose is to make its fans nerd out at seeing these familiar faces again…and dammit I did such a thing. I’m part of the problem.
Disney should just let Star Wars lay to rest for awhile. I fully expect more movies in the next couple years because they want to make money. I get it. But if that’s the case, then Disney should at least look at what’s going on over at Disney+ because The Mandalorian is fucking phenomenal. Take a page out of Jon Favreau’s book. See why that is working and why their theatrical movies aren’t. Because if they don’t fix this problem, well…..THE DEAD SPEAK.
Gemini Man
I love Ang Lee. I love Will Smith. But this was just a flat out disaster. I almost feel bad for even mentioning this when it’s guaranteed to make so many worst of the year lists already. But that first trailer was absolutely a warning sign of what was to come.
Men In Black: International
It’s okay to completely forget that a Men In Black movie came out in 2019. I know I sure did. Chris Hemsworth’s track record outside of the Thor movies should seriously be put into question if it wasn’t for the fact that he is just so damn likeable.
Richard Jewell
So glad to see this overrated piece of shit barely nominated for anything at this year’s Oscars. Most of the movie is fine. Kathy Bates being nominated for Best Supporting Actress in this is fine, she was good. My main problem is the controversy about this movie is absolutely justified. Olivia Wilde’s false character portrayal of engaging in sexual activities for confidential information just absolutely rubbed me the wrong way. With how many major names were attached to the production of this movie from Jonah Hill to Leonardo DiCaprio to the man who also directed this too, Clint Eastwood; you would think at least one of them would do some actual research to know that this all kinds of wrong. Like I felt unclean watching this.
Otherwise, the rest of this movie was insanely dull.
The Curse of La LLorona
Warner Brothers “Conjuring-verse” of spin-offs from things briefly mentioned in other movies; only to set up future movies within its own movies and not focus on its own movie, is really starting to piss me off.
Annabelle Comes Home
Warner Brothers “Conjuring-verse” of spin-offs from things briefly mentioned in other movies; only to set up future movies within its own movies and not focus on its own movie, is really starting to piss me off.
Countdown
Honestly this one was destined to make it on here from the premise alone about a smartphone app that knows the exact day and time that you’re going to die. And it still ended up sucking harder than I thought. Come on guys. Try harder.
Frozen 2
Doesn’t deserve to actually be on this list. It’s a mediocre two star movie overall, but that ending was seriously one of the worst endings in any major wide release movie in years. It’s so incredibly unearned, unwarranted, infuriating, scatterbrained, poorly thought out, stupid, terrible, idiotic, and frustrating. Placing it on this list just for that ending alone.
Murder Mystery
Adam Sandler’s latest excuse to go on vacation might not be one of his worst movies in recent memory, but it’s absolutely infuriating all the same. The movie didn’t even feel like it started until close to the first hour.
Maleficent: Mistress of Evil
Did anybody ask for this sequel? What was honestly the point of this even existing? Disney has already monopolized the market enough. Do we really need to add unnecessary sequels to their unnecessary live action adaptations to their line-up? I may have changed my tune about Disney’s live action adaptations this year, but at least they are worth trying to rework. Who thought this was a good idea?
Sextuplets
Marlon Wayans is seriously one of the worst comedic actors working today. Why is Netflix giving him a platform? We aren’t in the 1990’s anymore. His time in the spotlight should have ended twenty years ago and here we are. He’s certainly made worse, but this is top five levels of bad.
CLAPPY'S TOP TEN WORST FILMS OF 2019
SpoilerI always tell myself that I have to be honest when it comes to these lists. And why I usually hate every movie that makes these lists, I don’t really hate this one. I kind of like it for all the wrong reasons. But it deserves to be on here just for being flat out awful.
10. Playing With Fire
Seriously watch the trailer if you haven’t before. This is a family comedy that came straight out of the 2000s. A decade that was chalk full of these nostalgically terrible movies about tough guys who come across kids that turn them into big ole softies. See most of The Rock and Vin Diesel’s family comedies from the 2000s as a prime example of this kind of movie. Why not try this again since John Cena is basically taking the exact same road to stardom that The Rock did. Although, let’s be real here. John Cena is not The Rock. He’ll be lucky if he becomes half the box office draw The Rock is.
But yeah, this movie is reminiscent of all those nostalgically terrible movies of yesteryear. It has all the same problems that those did to the point that it is honestly embarrassing watching these talented actors make absolute dumbasses of themselves. Like this is easily the most embarrassing thing John Leguizamo has done since The Pest. Key from Key & Peele really needs to fire his agent or at least switch to Jordan Peele’s because he keeps making the most baffling of film choices when his best friend isn’t involved. One of the kids is Negasonic Teenage Warrhead from the Deadpool movies. It’s really hard to not associate her from that role in this movie. And then there is John Cena, the living meme himself. At one point the movie focuses heavily on John Cena’s nipples. Yep that is a scene I just spoiled. And he falls in love with a scientist in the most baffling way that I really don’t want to spoil.
In a weird way, I respect how off the walls levels of bad this movie is. It definitely made me reminisce of a time where these movies made inexplicable amounts of money at the box office. But this definitely deserves to be called one of the worst movies of this year. I do think John Cena has potential to be taken seriously as an actor. I’ve followed this guy’s career for many years being the wrestling fan that I am. He can succeed. But he really needs to be smarter picking out his projects. The man who use to make poop jokes in his wrestling promos really needs to stop picking movies where he poops in a forest while staring directly at this child who doesn’t want to leave his side…seriously what was this movie.
Spoiler9. Escape Room
Fun fact: Did you know Sony was planning to use this movie to make an Escape Room cinematic universe?
More importantly: Did anyone ask for an Escape Room cinematic universe?
And most important of all: This film is so bad that I had to rewatch it to remember how awful it was. Seriously, absolutely god awful writing and acting all around. And coming from someone who absolutely loves to do escape rooms for fun, this was painful to sit through and solve why anyone thought this was a good idea.
You solve the puzzle. This film sucks and isn't even worth mentioning it.
Spoiler2019. The year of…Keanu Reeves?
https://www.cnet.com/news/toy-story-4-star-keanu-reeves-owns-2019-and-its-an-excellent-adventure/
Of all the stars out there to have a career year, I did not anticipate Keanu Freaking Reeves. I remember fifteen years ago when people were bashing this man relentlessly. Myself included…I joke about my hatred of Keanu Reeves though. I don’t hate him. I never did. If anything, I thought his movies were Nicolas Cage levels of quality if that makes any sense. Just so absurdly dumb and his acting being hilariously emotionless.
But the back half of the 2010s have been incredibly kind to Keanu. With the John Wick movies reviving his career. Followed shortly by scene stealing star turns in many movies these last couple years including Toy Story 4, The Neon Demon, Always Be My Maybe, and many more. Also helping his cause is more public information coming out about how swell of a guy he is in a world where more and more male celebrities are being exposed as scum.
I guess in that light, I sort of get the appeal of Keanu Reeves in 2019. But even in a career year, Keanu can still manage to pick out a bad project to star in.
8. Replicas
How many of you remembered this coming out? It opened in the month were studio’s purposely dump out their turd films, quickly bombed, and ended up being just a blimp in the year of Keanu.
And that’s what this movie is. I already forgot about it. I watched it again to remember it. And guess what? I forgot about it once again. I’m not sitting through this plot hole filled movie once more to try and remind myself exactly what happened.
All you guys need to know it is a bad sci-fi movie about a scientist who brings his family back to life after they died in a car accident. And every movie cliché about the ethics of cloning and how they aren’t the same as they were before they died applies here too. Nothing else really matters. The acting was bad, even for Keanu. The writing clearly was first draft because there are so many plot holes that don’t get resolved.
But who the hell cares. This won’t be a high or a low point on Keanu’s film resume. Nobody will remember it. I sure as hell don’t and I sat through it twice.
SpoilerMight as well post these next two together. Because it epitomizes a trend that I’m officially done with. All it had to take was two movies to kill my spirit.
7. Aladdin (2019)
6. The Lion King (2019)
You guys were right this whole time. Disney’s live action remakes of their animated properties have officially gotten lazy. They are just simple cash grabs. Removing the heart and soul from movies that I loved growing up. And by doing so, completely pissing me off in the process.
Let’s start with Aladdin. Where it proved that Disney has so much confidence that these live action remakes will make a profit that they can place PTA stage performers as some of their main characters. Before the movie was released, all the memes were directed at Will Smith’s Genie. And rightfully so. But little did I expect that Will Smith was the best part of this movie. Every time he appeared on screen, the movie came to life. Whenever he wasn’t there, it felt like I was watching an elementary school play. Everyone else was that wooden and one dimensional. A lot of people praised Naomi Scott’s Jasmine…and I guess she was probably the second best of the bunch. But that’s like adding a garnish to a pack of Lunchables. It’s still going to be bland as fuck. After sitting through this and sharing my thoughts earlier in the year, I thought for sure that Disney wasn’t going to churn out something this grade school levels of garbage.
I wished I was wrong. Because then Disney awoken something in me. They outright didn’t try with one of the biggest properties in their backlog of animated classics. One of my all-time favorite movies got turned into a soulless, effortless, bland pile of rotting gazelle carcass. This movie betrayed everything positive I said about the same team I praised for The Jungle Book (2016) not sucking. This right here was what I feared that former movie was going to be. Everything about this infuriated me. From the unexpressive faces of the photorealistic animals to the heavy amounts of rehashing line for line to lacking a heart, period. And with how much I criticized Aladdin’s cast, at least 95% of that cast were basically unknowns. Disney touted for a whole year who they got to voice act for this Lion King. And outside of Billy Eichner and Seth Rogen doing Timon and Pumba, not a single person stood out. I love Donald Glover, but anyone could have done Simba. Beyonce was absolutely replaceable as Nala. Chiwetel Ejiofor’s talents are totally wasted as Scar, and the stunt casting of having James Earl Jones return as Mufasa just shows that he is tired of it all just as much as we are.
If any year is a sign of how much Disney is going to commit to this live action trend, it was this year. We got five of them this year. Talk about overexposure. Maybe this will lead to the crowds getting tired of this shit just like I did. My defense of this trend was that Disney at least tried something different instead of remaking them scene for scene. And that’s why Dumbo, Maleficent 2, and the Disney+ exclusive Lady and the Tramp avoided the harsh criticisms I had with the other two. Maybe if we get more of that in the future, this trend won’t burn out? We shall see. All I know is that this trend can go away any day now.
SpoilerHehe oh god. I completely forgot that this came out this year.
5. Hellboy (2019)
Yes, let’s reminisce the already forgotten Hellboy reboot from the unfortunate depths of hell this idea came from. If there was ever a perfect example to highlight how done the general public was of unnecessary reboots/remakes in 2019, it was this. If anything, the general public was asking for a third Hellboy from Guillermo Del Toro since there were still loose ends left to tie up after 2008’s The Golden Army. But due to disputes between Del Toro and the powers that may be, Universal sold off the spawn from hell to Lionsgate, who instead wanted to reboot the character completely because of a certain other hard R-rated, fourth-wall breaking, red anti-hero:
It’s hard to ignore the foul-mouthed mutant in the room so let’s just say it now. Lionsgate wanted their own Deadpool with this new Hellboy. Except what they forgot was good screenwriting, good directing, and good CGI…dear god they forgot the good CGI. It’s been over ten years between Hellboy movies and somehow the 2019 Hellboy looks like flaming hot garbage. Ron Perlman’s Hellboy looks ten times more realistic than David Harbour does. Speaking of David Harbour, he’s the only redeemable part of this movie and what saves it from being any lower. He is at least trying to make this good. Can’t say the same for anyone else. Let’s just leave this shit burn on the front door steps of hell and hope everyone else has forgotten about this experiment gone wrong this time next year.
SpoilerAnd we can’t talk about mutants and experiments gone wrong without the film that killed the Fox X-Men movies once and for all.
4. Dark Phoenix
Honestly, is it the third worst movie of the year? Probably not. If we are talking about straight up quality, it probably doesn’t deserve to be this high. But I can’t think of a single movie that represents how uninspired, lazy, devoid of anything worthwhile than what the X-Men franchise has become. It’s been twenty years of this franchise just existing. Not all of the movies are bad mind you. I liked X-2, Logan, Deadpool, and to a much lesser extent Days of Future Past perfectly fine. What I’m saying is the franchise was becoming stagnant. The stakes just weren’t there anymore. And it seemed like Fox had no clue what to do with these characters anymore.
With that last sentence in mind, why not redo the Dark Phoenix storyline after they infamously botched it the first time around; said some studio hack at Fox? I’ll tell you why. Because it just goes to show that even the studio hacks don’t have any sense of originality. And that’s what pisses me off most about Dark Phoenix. Nobody seemingly gave a shit while making this. And it unsurprisingly ended up being the worst X-Men movie of all time. Yeah. I went there. Worse than Origins: Wolverine. Worse than The Last Stand. At least those movies fucking tried to tell a cohesive story. This movie is literally all over the place. How can you possibly fuck that up when Simon Kinberg not only wrote, but directed this? Didn’t he learn his lesson after he failed the first time thirteen years ago with The Last Stand? Apparently not.
Seriously, there is nothing to recommend about this movie. The characters motivations are rehashed as fuck to completely awful (Xavier is made out to be a huge dick). The CGI is dogshit. The action scenes are unremarkable. The acting is atrocious outside of maybe Fassbender as Magneto. I hated every single fucking minute of this movie. Maybe the guys at Fox didn’t give a shit anymore since Disney was in the process of finalizing their deal to buy the studio. But this was not the way to send out one of your biggest properties remaining. I hope Disney doesn’t touch the X-Men franchise for a very long time before they end up being integrated into the MCU to the surprise of no one. Because this is a property that badly needs a sense of purpose again.
SpoilerAny other year, this would be a runaway winner for worst of the year.
3. Cats
Do I honestly need to give this the full treatment? You all saw the trailers for this. You all saw the extreme levels of negative reaction online. You all know how big of a CGI trainwreck this movie is. It’s exactly as bad as the trailers made it out to be. And yet still worse because the trailers didn’t give away that everyone involved in the creative process had no idea how to make a full hour and thirty minute long movie out of this.
If I had anything positive I got out of this is that the choreography is pretty good. The trailers kept mentioning that it involved the team who did the choreography for Hamilton and I can tell. It feels like I’m watching a Broadway show choreography wise.
And that’s it. That’s the only thing remotely positive I can say. Because more than 50% of the problems with this movie…well…
LOOK AT IT!
LOOK AT IT!
I WANT ALL OF YOU TO LOOK AT IT!
ANYONE WHO THOUGHT THESE HUMAN/CAT CGI HYBRIDS WOULD BE A GREAT IDEA NEED TO BE STUIDED BECAUSE THESE ABORTED ABOMINATIONS ARE FUCKING HIDEOUS.
And the other 50 or so percent goes to Tom Hooper. Who clearly hates me with his awful awards bait movies. I hated The King’s Speech. I hated Les Miserables. And Cats is far and away his worst movie. He has no idea what to do with this adaptation. So let’s just have this A-list cast move around like actual cats with added motion capture. Do musical numbers (not everyone can sing). Act horny (I’m surprised we didn’t get a cat orgy scene with how many times this movie made me go what the fuck). And just do shit without any real sense of direction.
Cats flat out sucks. I know it sucks. You know it sucks without even having to watch it. But god bless, the internet collectively shitting on this was such a sight to see. I can fully see this getting a cult following in the years to come due to its legendary stature of awful. That being said, this is cat shit.
SpoilerI’ll give Cats this. At least it’s going to be remembered for being distinctly bad.
2. The Goldfinch
I don’t think a single soul even remembered this movie coming out a few months ago. That’s the thing about this year. Audiences were pickier than ever before about how to spend their hard earned money and what movies to support with it. So there had to be something distinct to pull this in.
With that said, there was not a single distinctly memorable about this movie. It’s a three hour utter bore. I get that we are always going to get film adaptations based on novels. That has been a proven formula for almost one hundred years now. The Goldfinch is an example that not every book has to have a movie based on it. And I’ve never read The Goldfinch, but just sitting here watching this movie, I immediately knew it was based off a book I have zero plans to read now because of this awful bore.
How could I tell that this was a book? Because there is so much filler that could have been cut from this movie, so I immediately knew it was writers struggling to figure out what to leave in and what to leave out. And you’ll never guess who the sole screenwriter was for this movie? The guy who wrote 2017’s worst list entry The Snowman. After all the backlash that movie got from cutting too much, this movie suffered for not cutting enough.
This should have been so much better. The cast is talented (Ansel Elgort, Nicole Kidman, Jeffrey Wright, Sarah Paulson, Finn Wolfhard). The director made one of my favorite movies of 2015 (John Crowley). But at the end of the day, I never wanted a movie to not exist for being so flavorless as I did with this.
SpoilerWas it ever going to be anything else?
1. The Haunting of Sharon Tate
Honestly, no. But deep down, I had a paranoia that we were going to get something worse than this. My fiancé assured me that we wouldn’t, but this year surprised me plenty of times throughout that I questioned such a thing really happening. Because months later, I can in fact state this with the upmost confidence. The Haunting of Sharon Tate is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. It’s definitely the worst movie I have ever placed at number one on these year-end entertainment lists. Yep, worse than Fan4stic. Worse than Norm of the North. Worse than The Devil Inside. You can pull up any of my other eight year-end threads on here and I’ll say this one is the worst of them all.
And that’s really saying something from a guy who use to have a thread dedicated to reviewing bad movies. I’ve sat through tons and tons and tons of shitty movies throughout my life. The Haunting of Sharon Tate is one of those rare times I’ve come out of a viewing experience just feeling unclean and feeling what I sat through as absolutely tasteless. This movie is that bad.
What is this movie that changed Clappy’s perspective on what defines a movie being that bad? Why didn’t I see it in theaters? It wasn’t a major release. It was one of those limited city viewings and I honestly don’t have any idea what it’s true theater count was. Hell, I found this one online and didn’t see it until three months after it came out. I knew the word of mouth going in was flat out terrible. But god, I did not expect what came of it.
For starters, all the problems come down to the writer, director, producer: Daniel Farrands. Yes the acting is bad too, no wonder Hillary Duff is going back to Disney after this mistake. But I feel like the acting has a lot to do with Farrands awful script. This writing isn’t even first draft. It feels like it was improvised on the fly. It was that incompetent. The directing is obnoxious. A lot of shaky cam, unfocused shots, and then a mixing of real life footage of Sharon Tate interviews that just made the movie feel all the more tasteless. And speaking of tasteless, let’s talk about the concept of this movie for a minute. It’s a supernatural horror movie of the true life event of Sharon Tate and her friends getting murdered by the Manson Family. Sharon Tate starts to get premonitions and subliminal message of these events happening that absolutely terrify her. Some of the decisions made throughout this movie are beyond bad taste. They are offensively exploitative to a point that I didn’t even know was possible. And there is a twist ending that is just borderline repulsive.
I…I just can’t acknowledge this movie anymore without making the skin under my skin crawl. This movie is a career killer. Like I said, Hillary Duff ran back to Disney probably for many reasons. This might be one of them. Daniel Farrands seems to fetishize supernatural horror on real life events.
His movie out now is along the same lines with the next real life event he tackles being Nicole Brown Simpson’s murder. I don’t know if it churned out less of a profit than this one did, but I hope so. I…I’m done. Fuck everything this movie represents. Go see Once Upon a Time….in Hollywood. Where Sharon Tate’s murder gets treated with the actual class and respect it deserved. Not for shock value and exploitation.
Thank you all for reading. Best films list coming next month. As well as the decade list.
I sure am doing a lot of writing.-
6
-
-
I think most of the revivals were due to feeling reinvigorated by Total Drama again. Only to lose interest in them when I realized how much work I'd put in to each and every pilot to make it excellent. But thank you so much for remembering the good ole days of Spin-off Action. Determined to someday find the old stuff on the tv.com archives and share them again. Someday.
Happy 10 years man! So proud of you for everything that you do for this site. Love ya man.
-
1
-
-
Let me keep this short and sweet. WE ARE LIVING IN A TELEVISION RENAISSANCE!
What a time it is to be alive for new and exciting ways to reinvent how we view television. From streaming our shows to binge-watching a series in a matter of hours thanks to streaming, we are definitely living in the best timeline to watch television in ways we couldn’t have imagined twenty years ago.
And honestly, that’s why it was that much harder to write this best list. Because I had to make so many painful cuts and I had to keep watching more 2010s shows so I didn’t miss anything else. And I’ll be honest, I probably missed a lot of stuff that you guys are going to point out in the comments and replies. So I’ll save you all the trouble and put it on my constantly growing watch list when I have the time to keep watching more and more shows.
So with that being said, here is what this tasteless idiot thinks are:
CLAPPY’S TOP TWENTY BEST SHOWS OF THE 2010'S
SpoilerOn a personal level, this should probably be a lot higher than it actually is due to it being one of my all-time favorite shows. But in terms of how it was in the 2010s, quality was absolutely a mixed bag. But I can’t not place this on my best of the decade list for one reason. It was always a major priority to watch each week. And it still has that to this day. It’s still doing something right.
20. South Park (Comedy Central)
No show lovingly frustrates me as much as this one does. When it’s great, it’s amazing. When it’s good, it’s great. When it’s okay, it’s still good. Hell, even at its most grating, it’s still bad enough to intrigue me what the hell they were possibly thinking more so than outright infuriate me.
Most of this past decade revolved around continuity. Which is something South Park has never fully committed to before outside of rare occasions like anniversary specials or the random callback here or there. And while I had a problem with how they wrapped everything up quite often most seasons, it goes to show that Matt and Trey were willing to try something new with an over twenty year old property. Even with how mostly boring this new season was, it still intrigued the hell out of me with all the new intro titles, plots, and focusing on different characters (the best episode of the season was about Scott Freaking Malkinson of all people).
I once named South Park my all-time favorite show. And it still is one of them with how lackluster it’s been as of late. Because even with all the things I wish would change, at least it still manages to hold my attention. It’s still doing something right.
SpoilerLook there was another reason that I waited until the year was officially over before I got this list out. Because there was one show in particular that got released two months before the year ended that made me eat tons of crow. And it is low on this list just because it’s only eight episodes. But good lord does it have all the potential in the world to be something special.
19. The Mandalorian (Disney+)
After one season, I’m 1000000% on board with what they are going for here. It reminds me a lot of what I fell in love with the Star Wars property in the first place. Not a lot of talking and great action sequences. This is the sort of space western that makes the core Star Wars movies look like they’ve forgotten their roots a bit. Well maybe The Mandalorian can help on that front because I haven’t seen a Star Wars property this universally beloved since the animated Clone Wars series.
But yeah, this is the sort of show that is clouded in mystery for all the right reasons. Even after eight episodes, there are still so many questions that thankfully have not been answered yet. Because Mando is a man of mystery. He speaks so little. His backstory isn’t fully established yet. All we know is that he follows his code and always wants to do the right thing. I love that they are taking the slow burn approach with this character because everything about him is cool. His personality. His gear. His weapons. Don’t rush giving him a full character yet. We are at the exact right point of what we should know about this character with much more room to grow in Season 2.
And of course, we can’t talk about this show without the other main character. The Child that has spawned so many memes:
He’s adorable, yes. But just like his now appointed guardian, he is also mysterious. Is he a descendant of Yoda or just another of the same species? How did he get to where he is? Is there more of him? And just like with Mando, we are at the exact right point of what we should know about this character with much more room to grow in Season 2.
This show has all the potential to be something truly special. And I’m ecstatic to see where this show goes from here. I placed it over a shit ton of other series that have so many more episodes. But I’m ranking it this high because of two reasons. One, I’m that large of a Star Wars nerd and the best Star Wars property in years gets you really far on my list. Two, because I believe that much in what this show is capable of becoming.
SpoilerI’m just going to put this out there early, but if there is going to be a television genre that will be underrepresented from this list, it will be dramas.
Sorry guys, it’s absolutely a “me” thing. I just can’t sit through dramas as well as others. They mostly bore me. I can sit through movie dramas perfectly fine. Television shows, I mostly can’t. What is usually thirty minutes to one hour television dramas, feel like they last forever. I don’t know why. Probably because I mostly watch television to laugh. So for a drama to really rope me in, you’ve got to go the extra mile and just fully invest me. And this show absolutely did that to me in record time:
18. American Crime Story (FX)
Not going to lie. This show is only this high for one season and one season only. The OJ Simpson season. This is the best adaptation of this news story that I’ve ever seen. And we lived in a decade where this infamous story got revisited. A lot. A LOT.
For starters, they got the casting down perfectly. Cuba Gooding Jr. was damn near perfect as OJ. They also had John Travolta as Robert Shapiro, David Schwimmer as Robert Kardashian, Selma Blair as Kris Jenner…and I could go on about the absurd casting group they had for this movie. But the most absurd part is that I can’t picture anyone else playing these parts because they fit in so seamlessly.
There was another season about the murder of Gianni Versace with another absurd cast list with Darren Criss, Penelope Cruz, and Ricky Martin of all people. Honestly, it is good. Not as great as the first season, but that’s mostly due to the OJ Simpson story being one of the biggest crime stories of my life time. Still super fascinating how he got away with it twenty five years later.
Spoiler17. The Haunting of Hill House (Netflix)
This is another show that is only so low on this list because it only has one season to its name. Granted that season was almost two years ago and I have no idea why it is taking so long to get to season two. But The Haunting of Hill House is so phenomenal that it deserves to be on here. Hell, I’ve rewatched it multiple times since then and I only keep on catching things I missed the first time around that impress me.
This comes from Mike Flanagan, who has made some of the best horror movies of the 2010s. Flanagan is quickly becoming a name of quality to me because he is clearly a fan of the horror genre and wants to keep making quality horror movies, shows, etc. And I’m all for that because horror as a genre is underappreciated since most of the time, it can come off as quite gimmicky. But if there is one thing that makes Flanagan’s brand of horror stand out is fully developed characters. You get quite attached to these characters that you start to feel like you are in their shoes. The line between television and reality gets fairly blurred.
One thing that I’m going to give this series a ton of credit for is unforgettable imagery. I’m not going to spoil too many of the scares here, but Jesus. They stuck with me. Even when I was trying to sleep after each binge. Also, another thing that I love? How each family member represents the five stages of grief. Not going to spoil why, WATCH IT.
Apparently Season 2 is going to be about Bly House. And I’m hyped for that. But for now? This is the best adaptation of The Haunting ever. Yes, better than the 60s classic and the terrible 90s remake.
SpoilerEvery decade needs its group hangout sitcom. The 90s had Friends. The 2000s had How I Met Your Mother. And the 2010s had, for better or worse, New Girl.
16. New Girl (Fox)
New Girl is such an absolutely frustrating show that I absolutely loved to pieces. Just like I mentioned with South Park, this show had its highs and its lows in the 2010s. When it was low, good lord was it insufferable. It played out like a bad romantic comedy levels of cringe. And this show should have not had a shortened seventh season. It didn’t deserve one. Not even with the time hop. Because more often than not, it just dragged through everything we knew was going to happen.
But even at this show’s absolute low points, there was one thing this show had going for it that I absolutely loved more so than anything else. Great chemistry from the main cast. Everybody played off each other so well. I can’t think of a single pairing that did not work. And the one that did not work in the shows early stages (Winston and Cece), ended up being my favorite comedic pairing by the time the series ended. Seriously, Season 6 onward. It made me want to see these two get a spin-off, even though they were happily married to other people.
As for those high points, Season 1 was phenomenal. The back half of Season 3 wiped off the stench of Season 2 and the first half of Season 3. Season 4 recaptured what made me fell in love with Season 1. Season 5 continued that by bringing back a lot of what I didn’t like with Season 2 and basically redoing it right this time. And Season 6 was what should have been the final season.
New Girl was a very frustrating show to follow, but I have no regrets doing so. If there is any show that is going to get some sort of nostalgic following the way a lot of these group hangout sitcoms did in hindsight, it would not surprise me the slightest if it was New Girl. And I’m all for it.
SpoilerI think you all know where this next one is going based off this preamble, but I will always and I mean always, watch anything based off one of my favorite sports. WRASSLIN’
15. GLOW (Netflix)
Hell yeah. A show about the famous 1980s promotion the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling. Count me in….was my first thoughts before binge watching the first season. But little did I know I was going to be super invested in the true backstory of these characters. This show is incredibly smart about the reasons why these women inflict pain onto each other. And that’s what kept me invested in this series with each passing season. The complexity of its characters.
The core of its series is the power of friendship. I say that because the main relationship of this series is the friendship of Ruth and Debbie, which has been fractured by betrayal and diverging ambitions. It’s an incredibly complex friendship because these women always tease if they will ever become normal again or not and I like that because it does a great job at displaying both sides reasons for why they should and shouldn’t.
GLOW ends next year and I’ll badly miss it. It’s a sharp series that not only delivers wrestling in its cheesy gloriousness, but smart characters that constantly grow with each passing season.
SpoilerAnd you know what else I’ll watch anything off of? A show with an opening theme by The Cranberries.
14. Derry Girls (Netflix)
That was literally what suckered me into watching this show. I heard “Dreams” playing and I ran into the room to watch this with my wife. Little did I know I would be completely invested in this show about a group of female friends (with one guy tied into this group without any real say). I will say, watch this show with the captions on. These actors/actresses have thick Irish accents and they talk so fast that it’s tough to keep up with at times.
Not a complaint though. Because the humor comes at you and at you fast. Same goes with the plot points. The situations the Derry Girls get themselves into are absolutely ridiculous that you just have to roll with it all and laugh hysterically. I’m not going to spoil all of them here because you all really should watch this show, but let me just say that the pilot starts with them being accused of killing one of their teachers in such an over the top fashion that I laughed so hard.
Leave it to Ireland to knock the piss out of everything. Because back in the 90s, where this takes place. Northern Ireland in particular was going through heavy political turmoil. Well that honestly plays like background fodder here as it’s the least of the shows worries. They want you to remember the gloriousness that is 90s nostalgia. And I’ve been waiting for a show to truly capitalize on the 90s nostalgia boom and not suck. Well Derry Girls is that show.
SpoilerNearly halfway through this list and you guys notice what has been underrepresented so far? Cartoons.
You guys do now I’m Old Man Clappy for a reason. I don’t keep up with a lot of the cartoons you all are watching now. Well I’m giving you a heads up now. There are only three non TV/MA cartoons that made my list. And I did have to make a few painful cuts on my end. But let me point out the obvious and say that just because it’s a cartoon, doesn’t mean it’s a show specifically for kids. Exhibit A.
13. Regular Show (Cartoon Network)
I miss this show already. It feels like just yesterday this debuted around the same time as Adventure Time. Who would have thought that both shows would end up leading CN back to an animated revival of sorts. And while I do like Adventure Time, I was just not able to get fully invested into keeping up with it. Definitely understand why it caught on the way it did.
But Regular Show, I did not initially expect to be so universally loved. It had such an absurd sense of humor. It had the most out of left field pop culture references. It’s animation style was a tad dated initially.
What brought it in for me, alongside a lot of you, is that was completely unique and anything but regular. The main cast is not what one would consider a regular cast. Our two leads are total slackers. Which as someone who use to be such a huge slacker, yeah I can vibe with Mordecai and Rigby. And then the show became more and more openly irregular. To the point that there were continuous storylines instead of ridiculously obscure one offs. Hell the last season took completely in space.
Regular Show was such a fascinating show to keep track of. Hell I cried during the series finale. Something I can only say for less than a handful of finales on this list. It caught me offguard. And that’s honestly something I can say for the show in general. It catches you offguard when you least expect it to.
SpoilerExhibit B. Taking something old and making it feel vintage and new.
12. DuckTales (2017) (Disney)
Yeah I know we are only two seasons in, but this is how much Disney has appeased me with the handling of one of my favorite 90s properties of theirs. They somehow took something great and made it even better.
And how did they do that? First of all, clever writing. There are so many Disney in-jokes that it constantly keeps cracking me up. Second, they gave Huey, Dewey, and Louie separate distinct personalities. Do you know how long I’ve been waiting for Disney to make these three distinct instead of just grouping them all into one entity? For far too long. Third, by stacking this cast with incredibly talented voice actors. This is a who’s who of underrated voice actors starting with Doctor Who himself, David Tennant. Alongside Ben Schwartz, Danny Pudi, Bobby Moynihan, and Kate Micucci to name a few.
I love how much effort Disney put forth into making this show stand out. It’s super ambitious. Hell, Della Duck, Donald’s sister, finally appeared on the show this past season. That’s another first that I absolutely did not expect before tuning in. I can’t wait to see where this series goes from here forward. DuckTales. WOO FUCKING HOO!
Spoiler11. Key and Peele (Comedy Central)
It’s so funny to see people talking about these guys like “I knew them before they were famous.” And to that I say, please. I doubt half of the people who talk about these guys being superstars now actually watched their sketch show from back at the start of the decade. Key and Peele to the 2010s was what Chappelle’s Show was to the 2000s. Except Key and Peele’s careers continued to take off afterwards while Dave Chappelle was perfectly fine sitting back from the limelight.
Since there really isn’t much to talk about with it being a sketch show, I’ll just name my top ten favorite sketches before moving onto the next show.
10. Gremlins 2 Brainstorm
9. I Said Bitch
8. East/West College Bowl
7. Ray Parker Jr.’s Other Hits
6. Video Game Sensors
5. Insult Comic
4. Pizza Order
3. Flicker
2. Obama Meet & Greet
1. Substitute Teacher
SpoilerAs most of you can tell by now officially halfway through this list, I have a thing for comedies. What can I say? I’m an absolute fan of this genre. Especially in the back half of the decade when movie comedies are basically on the decline. So I started tuning in to television comedies more and more. And I found this show on the most obscure of channels, only to eventually find it on streaming too. Thanks Canada!
10. Schitt’s Creek (Pop TV/Netflix)
What a great find this turned out to be. I originally found out about this show on Netflix in 2015 during my period of unemployment. One of the lowest points of my life where I needed good laughs. And this show provided plethora of laughter. I fell out of this show for a few years afterwards, but found it again about two years ago and this show is A LOT better rewatching it the second time. Where the characters kept feeling more and more developed while finding the same amount of high laughter.
And while I like practically all the main cast of characters, you know who the two stand outs are? Eugene Levy’s son, Dan Levy is fucking priceless. I always had such a high appreciation for his character David. But his comedic timing kept getting more and more perfect each passing season and more and more depth was added to his character. He has a supremely bright future when Schitt’s Creek ends this year.
The real MVP of this show is Catherine O’Hara. Her character Moira is insanely enjoyable. This woman is supremely quotable and an absolute delight in every sense of the fashion. Her evolution from the very beginning to where we are now has been such a pleasure to watch. She is still the same person she was at the beginning but with so many more layers of humble and greatness. I love this woman and I’ll miss her more than any other.
And I’ll miss everyone from the Rose clan when it ends in 2020.
SpoilerAnd last but not least, Exhibit C. The one you were all expecting to make it really high on here.
9. Gravity Falls (Disney)
What is there left to say about how amazing this show is? I mean practically everyone knows this show is great. It ended great. We knew how Disney ended this show at the peak of its greatness. And you know what? I’m glad it did. Because in my honest opinion, Disney did this show dirty. Sending it from Disney to Disney XD. But at the same time, I had no problem with how they handled this show’s air times. Disney XD was the right network this entire time.
So yeah, I literally have nothing else to say about a show that has made my best television list for so many years. Sorry to keep this one short. But I’ve got so much writing to do that I’m trying not to burn out. Next.
Spoiler8. Community (NBC/Yahoo)
Now this is one of the more recent shows that I caught after I announced this project in order to knock out the best of the best programs of this decade. And this was hands down the best of the binges. Everything else on this list is stuff I knew was going to make it as high as it was, so this might be where the surprises stop if you know me by now.
Community was a show that even at its two worst seasons was still a damn great show that basked in being different. Season 1 was just a normal group hangout show about a bunch of random people going to community college and it was still entertaining cast chemistry. Season 4 was probably the worst season due to Dan Harmon leaving the show for a year and even then, it was still fine.
The other four seasons though were an absolute joy ride as Harmon basked in intentionally making this series absolutely different from every other sitcom of its time. I mean what other shows out there could say they had episodes in 8-bit graphics, a GI Joe parody, mockumentaries, pseudo documentaries, film parodies, Rankin/Bass style animation, musicals, Dungeons and Dragons based, fourth wall breaking, alternate timeline dimension hopping, and just so many more odd and end based episodes. All of these while still tying in the theme of each episode incredibly well? Only Community.
Community really was a show ahead of its time with a great cast, great writing, and incredibly quotable. It’s the show that launched Donald Glover into a household name and also making fun of the fact that Chevy Chase is an unlikeable ass. It really is worthy of its running gag of being six seasons. Now all we wait for is the movie.
SpoilerEarlier in this post, I stated that New Girl was THE group hangout show of the 2010s. But do you know what I wish would actually be THAT show?
7. Happy Endings (ABC)
Now here’s a show that deserved a much better fate than it got. Take everything I said about New Girl and multiply that cast chemistry nearly double the amount. Hell it even has Damon Wayans Jr. who was on New Girl. He was originally on this show as Brad before taking the gig of Coach on New Girl, only to double back when he realized this show was surviving cancellation. Smart man. Wish he was a bigger star than he is now.
But yeah, this show was ahead of its time. I really wish it lasted longer than it did because it perfectly encapsulates what I want from my television sitcoms. A reality I wish I could live in. I wish I had friendships as strong as the core six here. Where they all play off each other so well to the point that I fully believe that they are all friends outside of this show. I want to go out with them and drink. They have that strong of a bond.
Sorry to be super vague, but I only hope that this show gets a cult following so it can be renewed on a streaming service like so many other short lived network shows. If it could happen to The Mindy Project, then I only wish it would happen for Happy Endings. I’m probably super late to the party on that thought, but a guy can dream, right?
SpoilerYou know what sitcom based subgenre I wish wasn’t as played out? Family sitcoms.
We have too many of them. And there are only maybe a handful I can say I truly love. You already saw one on this list, but Schitt’s Creek doesn’t really count. Because the children are full grown adults. I’m talking about actual shows about actual families with actual children. Well one stood out above the rest this decade to me. And it is about a pseudo famous comedy writer and his semi dysfunctional childhood and…you all should know by now what it is.
6. The Goldbergs (ABC)
And this came from Happy Madison of all companies. Further proving that maybe Happy Madison isn’t so bad after all. But they don’t deserve the praise. It all goes to Adam Goldberg himself. By making his full length episodic versions of his home movies. Okay they aren’t completely 100% factual. After all, Erica Goldberg was really an Eric. But they feel semi-real and not all completely glamorized afternoon daytime specials. I think part of that is due to the strong acting. Especially from Wendi McLendon-Covey as Beverly Goldberg; who is amazing as the over the top in every way imaginable Beverly Goldberg. But the child actors are really good here too and that’s saying something from me who doesn’t often highlight child acting. More often than not, I get fully invested with each Goldberg child’s storyline because they are super relatable. Whether it be dating issues to being embarrassed of their parents to wanting independence from them to not being good with money…they are all super relatable problems not stretched out and overdone.
And of course, the other big plus, the setting. I know I know. 80s nostalgia is getting rehashed and overplayed. You’re not wrong. I’ve noticed it to. It’s been done to death in the 2010s going into the 2020s too with everything that is coming out this year. And The Goldbergs fully bask in 80s nostalgia to the point that some piece of pop culture from the 80s plays some sort of role in each episode. It is incorporated fairly well and isn’t used like a poster saying REMEMBER THIS.
By the time the 2030s start, I doubt anyone will want to do anything with the 80s ever again because people will be sick of it. But you know who won’t be? Me. I love this admittedly overrated decade. I love every bit of nostalgia from this decade I did not grow up in and I’m still not sick of it now.
SpoilerAnd we can’t talk about 80s nostalgia without the best show about it.
5. Stranger Things (Netflix)
The Stranger Things phenomenon still ceases to amaze me. I still remember four years ago where it was this small little show that garnered a cult following due to word of mouth. Then Netflix sustained that momentum and really turned this series into something special. I mentioned how The Goldbergs made me feel like I was living in the 80s. Stranger Things not only does that, but it also makes me feel like I’m watching one of those epic 80s movies. It has a real sense of vintage Steven Spielberg about it. And not just due to the E.T. parallels, which admittedly do exist. Quite blatantly. But The Duffer Brothers are clearly inspired by the hugeness of Spielberg’s biggest hits and you feel like you’re involved in this world they have built.
I constantly praise the kid actors of this show all the time. And here I go doing it again because all these kids are clearly talented as hell. Some of them are already involved or being set up to become bigger names outside of this show like Finn Wolfhard and Millie Bobby Brown. The others I wouldn’t be surprised to still seeing them down the road in the entertainment industry because I haven’t come across a single untalented child actor on this show. And even after a kind of disappointing, but still great second season, the third season really gave me huge vibes and made me excited to see where this show goes from here.
I don’t know how many more seasons this show has left, but Netflix really has something special going here. This is lightning in a bottle that I doubt they will ever capture again, but Stranger Things is one of the few cultural phenomenons whose quality is justified.
Spoiler4. Brooklyn Nine-Nine (FOX/NBC)
Going to keep this one short. Why? It’s made my best list practically every year since its inception. If that isn’t a sign of continuous quality, I don’t know what is. I’m glad NBC saved this show from the brink of cancellation and it is continuing as strong as ever. FOX never felt like the proper network for this show to begin with since it is one of the most diverse shows on network television with its inclusion of strong female characters and pro LGBT inclusion in the main cast.
Also, I’m a huge Andy Samberg fan and will follow this man’s career until the end of time. You want to know what one of my highlights of 2019 was that wasn’t my wedding? Seeing The Lonely Island live. That’s how big an Andy Samberg fan I am. Stream The Bash Brothers Experience.
There I wrapped it up with a Gina GIF. It all came full circle to the main point after all. Next.
SpoilerMan 2020 is going to be the end of a lot of high quality shows. And the highest praised one ends in a week. So let’s talk about a show that at least 50% of this site watches and the other 50%, what’s taking you so long?
3. BoJack Horseman (Netflix)
I have always struggled to articulate my feelings towards BoJack Horseman as a whole. I don’t know why. It’s excellent. The animation is great. The writing is great. The characters are great. The direction of this show always misleads me when I think I have everything figured out.
But I think the thing that really stands out to me the most about this show is just how real the content feels. Depression, anxiety, substance abuse. These are all really complex matters that this show tackles effectively even more so than its live action counterparts. And here’s the thing about it all. Any time something happens on this show. Even the smallest of side plots. It comes back eventually at some point. The actions these characters take have long standing points in the continuity of the show. Because they want to make these characters feel as relatable as possible.
I’m not even beginning to speculate how the back half of the final season is going to go. Because I’ve learned my lesson about trying to predict how this is going to end. I’m just going to watch in awe as to where this show is going to go because I know it’s going to end with me in my feelings again. Like this show always has.
SpoilerHave I mentioned how many great shows are ending in 2020? This one is going to hurt the most.
2. The Good Place (NBC)
I know a lot of you are going to question this show’s placement. This over BoJack? I have my reasons.
Honestly, this show and BoJack have a lot in common when you really think about it. Both shows are about flawed people who want to learn to be better. Both shows have taken unpredictable roads to get where these characters are. Both shows have fully fleshed out characters that we have watched develop along the way.
But to me? Why is this number two? Because at the end of the day, I can watch a new episode of BoJack at any time I want and not rush through it all. Ever since I’ve discovered The Good Place, I have watched every episode as soon as I was able to with a sense of urgency. We may live in a binge watching era where we can watch shows at any pace we want to, but nothing beats watching a whole new episode the day it comes out. And I’ve watched practically every episode of The Good Place either the day of or the day after only due to work. That’s how dedicated of a fan The Good Place has made me.
It ends next week as well. And I’ve requested off work to watch the finale. I’ll miss these characters. I’ll miss the unpredictable nature.
SpoilerNumber one is not a surprise to any of you if you really know me.
1. Parks and Recreation (NBC)
I binge watched the entire series in a course of month of unemployment in 2015 and my life was never the same afterwards. I fucking love this show. I fucking love these characters. Parks and Reccing it has become an expression in my life when it comes to dropping what I’m doing and just watching an episode or going through an umpteenth binge watch of this series.
Only a few shows rival this one when it comes to being my all-time favorite. You already saw me mention South Park, but unlike South Park, this show ended at the most opportune time. I already said I’ll follow Andy Samberg’s career wherever it will take him. And I’m sure as hell going to follow Greg Daniels and Michael Schur’s careers due to how much I love this show. Hell, I also just talked about another Michael Schur show seconds ago with The Good Place. And Greg Daniels and Steve Carrell have Space Force coming to Netflix at some point in 2020. It might end up being The Office 2.0 but I wouldn’t even fucking care the slightest bit. I love Greg Daniels that much.
Parks and Rec is one of those shows you can just tell that practically everyone involved loved being in it. Amy Poehler and Nick Offerman constantly collaborate because of their association with Parks and Rec. No matter how huge of a movie star he is now, Chris Pratt has appeared at two Parks and Rec reunion –Cons because he constantly talks about how much he loved being a part of the show. This show is simply amazing and I too will forever be grateful that it exists. Parks and Rec. My best show of the 2010s.
For waiting and reading this list. I know it took awhile to get out, but I hope it was worth the wait. My best hit songs list is up next.
-
3
-
2
-
1
-
-
This is the best show of 2019. No arguments needed. Fantastic show and miles away the best thing Disney has done with Star Wars property in the years they've owned it.
-
3
-
-
So yeah. How was the 2010s for music?
Honestly, it will be interesting to look back on this decade years and years from now. It just went through so many phases. From the club boom to the biggest years of pure pop music since the 90s to self-serious pop to trap music. Lord knows what trend is coming up next. This decade has had so many identities that I can't really define it.But man, did Billboard get this decade end list right. For all my problems I've had with their year end lists the last couple years, these definitely feel like the 100 biggest songs of the 2010s. Good job Billboard. Every dog has its day and credit where credit is due. This is absolutely a worthy decade end list. So worthy that in all honesty, I liked more than 50% of this decade end list. Which made crafting the worst list that much harder because most of these songs really didn't make previous worst lists. Which gave me a little more room to work with.
What will the 2020's bring us? Don't have a clue, but I’ll sit back in eager anticipation of what’s to come. Because that’s what I do. I follow pop culture and even if I’m not on this site five to ten years from now, I’ll still be following entertainment closely.
And because this is a decade end project, just like I am with all the other formats of entertainment on this thread, this will be a Bottom 20/Top 20. Because I’m going that extra step to make this final big project all the more significant. So we are counting down!
CLAPPY'S TOP 20 WORST SONGS OF THE BILLBOARD 2010'S DECADE END LIST
(that's a mouthful of a title)
SpoilerAs far as 2000’s female popstars go, I can’t think of a single act who has stopped trying more so than Pink. She keeps making the same songs over and over again to the point that any sort of meaning has been hammered out of it. Yet here she is. Still racking up hits even in 2019. That must be some nice payola she is getting. Do you know who would be a close second in terms of this category?
20. “Stronger (What Doesn’t Kill You)” – Kelly Clarkson
And this is a damn shame to me. Because I was a bigger Kelly Clarkson fan than I ever was of Pink. When Kelly Clarkson was at her peak quality, good lord she was just untouchably great. She had some of the best hits of the 2000s and I’ve come to accept the fact that she went artistically bankrupt this decade trying to replicate her past success.
But none of her singles of the last ten years are more artistically bankrupt than “Stronger”, otherwise known as “Since U Been Gone” clone number 234556. Not only because Kelly Clarkson has done this song obviously better, but it’s that chorus that absolutely kills my interest in this song. I can think of at least thirty songs off the top of my head that have used each and every line from that chorus. It’s such an overused and overdone cliché. And normally I would be more forgiving of clichés from one of my favorite female popstars if she showed some of her fiery passion. But this is the most disinterested Kelly Clarkson has ever sounded from one of her own songs.
Kelly has had a couple more hits after this that have ranged from mediocre to boring, but I’ll give them all this. At least it wasn’t “Stronger”. Next.
SpoilerAnd speaking of half-assed songs.
19. “Sucker” – Jonas Brothers
"Sucker" still sucks.
SpoilerAnd this still sucks too. But this wasn’t the first time Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber collaborated together.
18. “Love Yourself” – Justin Bieber
It took me three years to really develop a thought. Or an opinion of some sort on Justin Bieber’s biggest song of all time. But after the radio refused to let this song go away after all these years, I can finally say with full thought that I cannot sympathize for Justin Bieber. He’s such an empty vessel when it comes to emotional weight. Hell, venom and spite are hard emotions to pull off. If Ed Sheeran performed this song, than maybe I would have bought it. But instead he wrote it for one of the most unlikeable shits of this decade. And I could not care less that Bieber is so pissy about a girl who broke his heart.
Honestly, the more I hear this song, the more I hate it. I was able to write about 30-35 dishonorable mentions for 2016 and couldn’t find a spot to talk about this? 2016 sure was a weird year man.
SpoilerAnd to think, I used to like this song. But the more I hear it, the more apparent this song conveys absolutely nothing.
17. “Airplanes” – B.o.B (featuring Hayley Williams)
Wow that is one hell of a chorus by one of my favorite female vocalists of the last fifteen years. Is it really? I use to think that, but this chorus is just total nonsense after ten years of overplay. That metaphor is some weak shit. I hate to say it since I love Hayley Williams so much, but this is the most phoned in chorus she has ever done.
But most of my problems with this song all fall back to Mr. Flat Earther over here. It must have been so hard to be Bobby Ray over here, who in his second hit single is complaining about the pressure of stardom. No wonder he didn’t stay relevant. He couldn’t handle the pressure of fame so early in his career and is now spewing some bullshit about the Earth being flat like he’s Neil DeGrasse Tyson.
I don’t know if there was any other meaning behind B.o.B.’s part of the song, but it’s kind of hard to tell since he let studio hacks meddle with his big single and hammer any potential meaning out so they can commercialize the hell out of it. Which you know, good for him. Chase that money because you sure need it so you can keep on preaching your already disproven bullshit. Next.
Spoiler16. “One More Night” – Maroon 5
Maroon5sucks.jpg
Spoiler15. “Meant to Be” – Bebe Rexha & Florida Georgia Line
I thought for sure this would be lower on this list when I was first drafting out my decade end list. But little did I know that this tediously dull song actually helped mold the modern trends of pop music. Now we are getting more and more country-pop on the charts.
That is the only thing I will give it credit for because honestly who the hell cares about this slog of a song. Bebe Rexha only further proves that she wastes her potential on middle of the road shlock. Florida and Georgia only further prove that they don’t want to be a country music act anymore. They both sound bored with what they are currently doing and would rather switch genres to find success. Well congratulations. You did it. And nobody cares. Next.
Spoiler14. “Dark Horse” – Katy Perry (featuring Juicy J)
And while we are at it.
13. “Fancy” – Iggy Azalea (featuring Charli XCX)
Two white girls borrowing heavily from black culture to make in the moment bops that will age terribly.
Meanwhile, you have two of the biggest pop stars from the year 2014 making me cringe with these two songs. Ironically, from when they were both at the peak of their fame. I was going to declare these two a tie, but Iggy’s song nudges out Katy’s due to the fact that it makes me cringe just a tad harder. That doesn’t make the former any less awful.
Katy has done songs with guest rappers in the past, but every single hit from the Prism era just felt like Katy being even more tasteless than we’ve come to expect from her. And while Snoop and Kanye didn’t bring their A-material to their songs with Katy, at least they don’t have that fucking terrible “eat your heart out like Jeffrey Dahmer” line. Thanks Juicy J.
Iggy, on the other hand. She is really the product of this time frame, isn’t she? I do think she is talented. Listen to that flow. Listen to her wordplay. That Charli XCX chorus is still fire. But all my problems fall back on Iggy’s rapping. And that’s why this song made it this high. I don’t know what an Australian girl who grew up stateside is supposed to sound like, but it’s not supposed to sound this intentionally offensive. And that’s why Iggy’s career bottomed out after one year of being in the spotlight.
Both songs suck. Both need to stop borrowing from hip hop culture. And both are on downward spirals career wise. Gee I wonder, why? Next.
SpoilerLike I said on my 2019 worst list, Sheeran is allegedly taking a multi-year break from performing. I have my skepticism over this announcement, but it wouldn’t surprise me if Ed stuck to this. Because in our year 2019, cracks finally started to show in the Sheeran Empire. I don’t know if that’s true in the UK, where Ed is still one of the biggest acts ever, but definitely over here stateside. His new album bombed with the critics. Most of the singles off that new album flopped except for two. And I’ve read multiple publications grow tired of his constant self-depreciation. Which you know, is one of his main tricks with his songwriting.
I still think the guy is talented, but I’m getting so sick of him. He’s made my worst list/dishonorable mentions the last three years after I promised to stop shitting on him. But I think most of the backlash Sheeran has faced as of late may be due to one huge reason. His biggest song, one of the biggest of all-time, is already supremely dated and supremely lame.
12. “Shape of You” – Ed Sheeran
It’s only been two years and “Shape of You” is already starting to be declared one of the worst songs to ever make it as big as it did. How can a song that charted nearly sixty weeks in the Top 20 nearly two years ago already to start to receive such immediate heat? It’s not like it’s all unwarranted, but it’s just a harmless silly pop song.
Honestly, I think a lot of it has to do with that beat. It’s so weak, so limp, so juvenile for a song about sex from a guy who looks like a grown up Chuckie Finster. I mean of all the male superstars of the 2010s, Ed Sheeran is probably the last person I would go to for a sex jam because he just doesn’t pull the part. He’s a singer-songwriter. He’s folky. He bags on himself all the time. He can’t pull off sexual and sensual.
I think Ed will go down as one of the defining pop stars of the last ten years. It’s just a damn shame that his biggest song ever is one of his worst. Isn’t that quite often the case?
Spoiler11. “All of Me” – John Legend
And speaking of which, it also only made sense that John Legend’s biggest hit to date ended up being his worst. This may not have been one of the worst songs of the decade technically, but this is easily one of the dullest songs of the decades. Let’s move on to the next song before I fall asleep.
SpoilerOkay we are halfway to the finish line. The top ten worst huge hits from this decade. And what better way to ring this half in with one of my favorite artists of the last twenty years making an absolute ass of himself.
10. “OMG” – Usher (featuring will.i.am)
For as much shit as I’ve talked about the year 2010 in every music thread I’ve ever been associated with, how dare I not even once mention this atrocity? What else can I say but WHAT THE FUCK IS USHER DOING? Usher. One of the smoothest and coolest men alive. Being delegated to sounding like a fucking teenager.
This is the same guy who has had some of the smoothest pick-up lines of the last twenty years. And what smooth lines does he have in this one? Honey’s got a booty like pow, pow, pow. Honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow. For real, did a teenager write this? What kind of idiot would think these sorts of lines would be any level of smoove..
And of course we can’t talk about the year 2010 without the man who practically ruined the first half of this decade with his lifeless robotic production choices. At least will.i.am’s part is kept super brief, but his garbage lyrics leave a rotten stench over the rest of this song.
But you know what the worst part of this song is? THAT CHANTING. WAS THIS RECORDED IN FRONT OF A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE? Hell I can barely hear anything because the chanting is that distracting from everything else.
This song gave me a migraine while writing this, so let’s move on so I can get this annoyance out of my head.
Spoiler…so that’s what Meghan Trainor is up to now. You know part of me kind of feels bad that the internet music community basically ended Meghan’s chart success by trashing her so much. One of the worst artists of the 2010’s is something I constantly see associated with her. Myself included since “Dear Future Husband” is hands down one of the worst hit singles of the decade. Possibly all time. It’s that heinous.
But it is not like the quality was there for her fortunes to be reversed.
9. “All About That Bass” – Megan Trainor
Part of me thinks placing this song this low is a tad harsh. But as each year passes, my hatred for this keeps growing. I never want to hear this smug song ever again for the rest of my life.
Meghan Trainor sounds like Michael Scott when it comes to talking about sex. She knows it exists. But she has no clue what she’s talking about. And hearing her cringe talk her way through three minutes of faux empowerment over a doo-wop beat is definitely one of the most annoying songs of this decade. She is annoying and she knows it. There is no subtlety.
And that’s why the Meghan Trainor backlash happened so swiftly. There is nothing subtle about her music. It’s just a constant annoyance. And while I do feel bad that this is what Meghan Trainor’s career has been delegated to, it’s not like it isn’t undeserved. Next.
Spoiler….how can one of the biggest hits of the decade get so easily forgotten? I guess you could say, it was magic!
8. “Rude” – MAGIC!
And just like that, POOF! Any trace of MAGIC! disappeared.
SpoilerHey you guys. Remember when this was the first song review I did on my music review thread? Oh the memories.
7. “Roar” – Katy Perry
This is another one I’m going to keep short since I’ve talked about this song so many times now. But for all the problems I’ve had with self-empowerment anthems, “Roar” is definitely one of the worst of this decade for being so limp and lifeless. I can’t believe the same woman who gave us “Firework” gave us this lethargic dull turd. For a song called “Roar”, it should have been renamed “Snore” because not once did Katy Perry sound empowering. Next.
SpoilerThe 2010’s “Crank That (Soulja Boy)”.
6. “Watch Me” – Silento
Watch this go down in history as being the inspiration for the music of the future the way Soulja Boy was ten years ago. Or watch this go down as supremely dated and lame like it is now. I’m leaning towards the latter. Who would dare say they were influenced by Silento of all damn people?
SpoilerWow does this keep getting worse and worse. What was I ever thinking?
5. “Blurred Lines” – Robin Thicke (featuring Pharrell & T.I.)
I was probably thinking, wow what a good use of that Marvin Gaye sample. And you know what, it still works in that regard. But I can’t listen to this song without thinking of all the discourse that has happened the years after it was huge. And it’s not like it isn’t for good reason.
But I said this on Discord months ago and it still rings true. This is the “Joker” of music. It is too stupid to being worth of all this intense debate. But while I found “Joker” to being a mediocre movie, this song is awful for different reasons. Robin Thicke is walking anti-charisma. Pharrell feels underutilized as the “woo guy”. And T.I. literally adds nothing to this song.
This was meant to be a joke track since all three guys are dads, but this is a “dad joke” gone terribly horribly wrong.
Spoiler4. “Girls Like You” – Maroon 5 (featuring Cardi B)
On the plus side, this is the last time I’ll ever have to talk about this song ever again. I’m really getting tired of talking about this song so many times over the last two years and I’ve grown especially tired talking about this band who hasn’t had an original idea in over ten years. Fifth biggest song of this decade. One of the biggest songs of all time. Please put an end to this shit.
SpoilerI know one of the most relevant comments from my 2018 worst list was my placement of harmless pop songs like “Never Be the Same” and “Perfect” were really worse than rainbow haired pedophiles and domestic abusers. And to answer that, I say this. Of fucking course they are.
3. “Perfect” – Ed Sheeran
I talked a few entries ago about how “Shape of You” backlash. Is it stupid? Yes. But at least the songwriting is very Ed Sheeran-y. The backlash of the Sheeran Empire began for me a year later when this lingered in the Top 20 for over a year like a prolonged fart. This is the first Ed Sheeran song ever where I felt anybody could have done this. And that is really damning when we have had over 20 Ed Sheeran knockoffs in the past five years alone.
And I’ve had my problems with your James Arthur’s and your Lewis Capaldi’s of the world, but I’d rather hear them do a song this half-assed than listen to the original. Yep, you heard me right. I would rather hear Lewis Capaldi and his god awful self-impressed singing voice belt “DANCING IN THE DAWK” than hear Sheeran sound so uninspired and looking for a cheap wedding song cash-in.
So, yes. No regrets over placing “Perfect” at number two on my worst list last year. Hell, I’m regretting not placing it at number one. It’s that worthless.
Spoiler2. “Sexy and I Know It” – LMFAO
I’m not posting the music video for this song. After eight years of watching that offensively tasteless unfunny garbage flopping around my computer screen, enough is enough. End this.
A month ago, Todd declared “Someone You Loved” as arguably his worst number one hit of the 2010s. It made me go back and look at all the number ones of this decade and figure out my own personal worst number one. And that honor goes too…”PILLOWTALK” by Zayn.
Yeah this is not just one of the worst numbers of all time, but one of my personal least favorite songs ever. It exemplifies how absolutely joyless pop music ended up becoming this decade and is honestly such an unsexy song. Absolutely heinous. But “Sexy and I Know It” is definitely the second worst number one of this decade for exemplifying the polar opposite. I’ve mentioned in the past that I’ve missed the bad tasteless pop music of yesteryear. Well “Sexy and I Know It” proves me 10000% wrong there.
And while this song is a bad joke taken the 10000th degree, what makes this song so infuriatingly awful is the production. Which consistently grates on my ear drums that it drives you absolutely bonkers.
“Party Rock Anthem” has only grown on me in the same amount of time it took for “Sexy and I Know It” completely shrink on me. It’s lame and it knows it.
SpoilerSo what ended up taking the top spot on this list? Well to put it simply, I once called it one of the top five worst songs of all-time on my increasingly embarrassing and increasingly dated Top 50 Worst Songs of All-Time list. And while I continue to regret ever making that thread, one thing still remains the same. It may not be one of the worst songs of all-time, but this is still hands down one of the most inexplicable songs I’ve ever heard.
1. “Hey, Soul Sister” – Train
Over ten years. I’ve been hearing this song on the regular for over ten years. And to this day, I still don’t get exactly what Pat Monahan was going for. It is so inexplicably awful that it infuriates me every time I hear it.
I often try to avoid highlighting the lyrics of a song unless I really have to, but here:
https://genius.com/Train-hey-soul-sister-lyrics
Here is the link to all the lyrics of this song. There are too many inexplicably bad lyrics that I could make a Top 10 list…hell I could make a Top 20 of all the infuriating lyrics in this song. And it’s easy to say “I’m so gangsta, I’m so thug” would top this list, but you know what would actually top this list?
Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains
Y’all know what the left side of your brain is responsible for, right? It controls the right side of your body and tasks that do with logic. So when I hear that lyric at the very beginning of this song, I take it literally. I take it that Pat Monahan’s soul sister kissed his brain which led to brain damage and a lack of logic for all the lyrics that follow.
Friends of mine compare Pat Monahan as a lyricist to Tommy Wiseau. And to that I’ve always said, dead wrong. Tommy Wiseau at least manages to be entertaining. What he thinks is meaningful, I at least find to be entertaining trash. Pat Monahan just makes me miserable. He sounds like he constantly tries with every song Train releases. But his music constantly comes out brain dead.
Fuck this hack. Fuck this song….tonight.
-
6
-
1
-
-
-
2019 was a really weird year….and you know what? I liked it a lot.
To put it simply, 2019 will go down as one of the best years of the 2010s. Was it stagnant? Yes. Did the unlikeliest of people get major hits? Yes. Is the new number one song of all time a ridiculous song? Absolutely. Would I have 2019 any other way? No. The unpredictable nature of this year was absolutely fascinating. And you know what the best part of it all was? The music of this year kicked ass.
I said last year 2018 had one of the best best lists of this decade. And I do stand by that. But 2019’s best list dwarfs 2018’s best list because the quality is that much stronger. I had a hard time doing this top ten because of an overabundance of great candidates. If 2018 was basically telling 2017 that times aren’t going to change and let the worst of the worst artists get huge hits, then 2019 was a giant fuck you to 2018 and moved forward with the idea that change is a good thing.
And a large part of that is the changing of the guard of up and coming superstars. I’m not saying all the more relevant names of the decade like Taylor, Sheeran, Bieber, and Drake are on their way out. Not even close. But you can tell that the youth that predominantly makes up a large part of the streaming crowd is giving their streams to newer and honestly interesting new stars like Billie Eilish, Lil Nas X, Khalid, and Lizzo to name a few. Will all these new names stick around? Honestly I don’t know. But I hope most of them do. Because even at my advanced old age, where I should be in the retirement home when it comes to understanding the young people, I can see the appeal.
So let’s not waste any more time. Because I’m really excited to share with you all why this year was so great. But first some honorable mentions that would make the best list proper in lesser years.
SpoilerHONORABLE MENTIONS:
“Suge” – DaBaby
This song is fucking hilarious. I’ve been waiting for the trap rap fad to find their Ludacris and this is the closest we will probably ever get. DaBaby has a ton of personality and the production on all his songs bang. And despite how much I think Suge Knight is a prime example of scum of the Earth, having the audacity to compare yourself to a young Suge Knight takes a lot of balls. Because Suge ruled the rap scene of the 90s. I doubt DaBaby will have that sort of pull, but I don’t mind him becoming a big name. I would applaud it.
“Sweet But Pyscho” – Ava Max
Best chorus of the year. Lord knows how many times this chorus got stuck in my head throughout the year. Song in general reminds me of 2009-2011 Lady Gaga. Which damn, do I miss that era of Gaga. When pop stars had such humungous personalities that they felt like legitimate superstars. I just wish this no name had some sort of personality that stuck out more in her music because I checked out more of her music and I can’t get any vibes as to who she is as a person. Either way though, damn what an insanely catchy chorus. Makes my honorable mentions for just that chorus alone.
“Hot Girl Summer” – Megan Thee Stallion (featuring Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla Sign)
2019. The year of the female rapper. A lot of female MCs started to emerge on the scene with Megan Thee Stallion being my personal favorite of the bunch. There is no shying around this. This song is a fucking bop. It’s a song about strong female empowerment and having both Megan and Nicki trading bars about how awesome they are just makes the song all the more of a statement. Really wish this charted during the actual summer instead of September because this could have been a late summer smash and safely secured its spot on the year-end list instead of just barely making it. But if I had one major problem with this song, it’s that Ty Dolla Sign hook. It’s okay, but was his part really that necessary? It clashes with the vibe of a song called Hot GIRL Summer, shocker. Does anyone really care that you consider yourself “five star dick”? Really wish Megan recruited someone else to do that hook. I mean the City Girls were right there! You sampled “Act Up”! Come on!
“Beautiful People” – Ed Sheeran (featuring Khalid)
Ed Sheeran has done nothing but frustrate me for the last three years with his output. I’ve even gone as far to admit that despite all my annoyance with him, he’s still very much talented. “Beautiful People” is by far the best single he’s had in the last three years. Ed and Khalid surprisingly work off each other incredibly well. This was close to the best list but one thing kept it off. Despite being two of the biggest names in the music industry, I do believe Khalid is unfazed by the pizazz of being famous. Ed, on the other hand, is full of shit. If this was five years ago, it would have been a different story. But Ed has done nothing but embrace wanting to be a full-pledged popstar for the last five years.
“If I Can’t Have You” – Shawn Mendes
What can I say? The guy is getting a hell of a lot better. Honestly really captures a real angst about being young and in love better than most songs as of late. And the up tempo vibes really do make it stand out more so than the rest of Shawn Mendes’ singles about the same topic. Keep it up Mendes because you are seriously inching closer and closer to getting off my shit list for that one/two punch of awful that was your first two huge hits.
“Circles” – Post Malone
What can I say? This guy is also getting a hell of a lot better. It’s becoming apparent now more than ever that Post Malone is growing tired of being classified as solely a rapper. And if Hollywood’s Bleeding wasn’t telling enough, Post Malone is definitely willing to push the boundaries of genre blending. Hence we got Post Malone tackling the psychedelic pop of the 1970s with his usual sad boy shtick. And honestly, it works here more than it has on his past couple songs he’s had tackling this topic. That interloping guitar melody is calming enough to really focus on the lyrics of Post’s latest heartbreak and the story he tells becomes more center stage. Now let’s let Post Malone make that rock album he so badly wants to make. Dude, it is becoming increasingly obvious. Just do it.
“I Like It” – Cardi B, Bad Bunny, & J Balvin
Super close to making the best list for the second straight year. But Cardi B fatigue really affected me this year and while I still love this song, I just can’t relisten to this anymore. That being said, if there was ever a song that really emphasizes how awesome Cardi B is, I’ll always go back to this being one of her all-time best.
“Dancing With a Stranger” – Sam Smith & Normani
And the seasonal rankings curse continues. This is still an excellent song, but honestly the best list was very competitive this year. That’s what is keeping so many excellent choices off this best list. Also, overplay really killed the vibe this once had going for it. Yeah everything I mentioned about this song with my personal memory really still stands true, but honestly as the year went on, it became just that. A memory. Because I don’t love that girl anymore. I’m a happily married man to the love of my life. Maybe this was life’s way of telling me that this song will forever be associated with the past and to push forward. If so, then thank you song.
“High Hopes” – Panic! At the Disco
A little over a year ago I thought this would be sure fire lock for this list too. But yeah the radio killed this song’s chances of making it higher ranked on here. It just would not go the fuck away. A problem a lot of the songs this year had. They would just be locked into the top ten and twenty for months upon months. And because of the fact that this song would not go away, I finally found a part of this song that annoyed me. The sound mixing is annoying. Especially around the bridge with the trap hi-hats and the trumpets. I love me some trumpets, but god all of that mixed together just made me immediately change the station after I heard it.
But god does the song still make me happy to be alive in a pop music climate that just doesn’t have much use for joyful music. I’ll take Brendon Urie telling me to have high hopes for a living over a bunch of low vibe drones that we have on the radio right now. It may have annoyed damn near 95% of the users on this site all year long, but I still love it.
“Sunflower” – Post Malone & Swae Lee
Should be on the list proper and if I ever look back at this list wondering which of these honorable mentions should have actually made this list, guarantee it will be this one. I have no one to blame but myself for listening to this far too often. So yeah, overplay killed this for me. All that being said though, I do have one new thought about this. This is Swae Lee’s song featuring Post Malone. Because the overplay killed Post Malone’s part for me. It’s the same old sadboy shit Post always does with more upbeat tempos. Overplay has only made me love Swae Lee’s part even more than I already did and he has far more of the song’s runtime than Post. All that being said, I still love this song a lot.
Alright, party's over. Time to pop out the best list proper.
CLAPPY'S TOP TEN BEST HIT SONGS OF 2019
SpoilerQuoteLook, I still like him and I’m glad he’s become so successful, but he really needed to slow down a bit and become more selective with his projects. And then he did. And he picked up the biggest hit of his career.
Well. This is awkward.
Umm yeah, about that statement from last year’s list season thread. Khalid did not slow down. He released an EP and an album since then. He’s practically lost nearly everything I’ve found interesting about him due to the fact that RCA is hammering him down our throats so hard. I’m honestly getting sick of him. He still makes his fair share of music I like, but like Drake, he just won’t go away. Now that I got all that out of the way, this made the year end list again.
10. “Love Lies” – Khalid & Normani
And it fell a tad from this time last year due to the how exhausted I am of Khalid being all over the damn place. That being said, there’s just something about this song that’s great. The chemistry between Khalid and Normani is still excellent. Khalid’s vibe is perfect here. I don’t think he will ever catch a vibe this great ever again. Normani is only further proving that she is the most talented Fifth Harmony member (“Motivation” deserved better). And when these two just sing with each other, it sounds phenomenal.
Seriously, that’s all you’re getting out of me with this entry this year. Sorry to disappoint you guys, but I talked about this plenty last year. That’s what happens when the charts move at a snail’s pace and we keep getting leftovers from last year re-charting. Fuck Billboard's tracking system. Next.
SpoilerOkay we can’t talk about how damn weird this year was without talking about the weirdest artist of the bunch…and I don’t mean that in a bad way.
For the past year, I didn’t know what to think of Billie Eilish. My initial thoughts was that she was just another Lorde rip-off that borrows trap elements. But the hype kept building and building for her so I checked out that debut album…and it all clicked for me. Billie just really knows how to capture something genuine about being a teenager in 2019. Or at least the malevolence or naive of being one based off how her big hits turned out. There have been plenty of teenage pop stars in my life time, but it’s a rarity that we get one who comes off as genuine about it and not heavily polished by studio hacks who think they know how teenagers act. I still don’t consider myself the biggest Billie Eilish fan out there, but honestly she is a refreshing presence in a stale pop scene and I will admit to eating crow on my initial thoughts about her. To the point that one of her songs made my best list.
9. “bury a friend” – Billie Eilish
I’ll just cut straight to point. Songs like this just don’t get popular. Ever. It’s amazing that this caught on in 2019, a year where the oddest of songs became smash hits. This might be the oddest hit of the year for me. I mentioned previously in discussions about her that part of what makes Billie Eilish stand out is that she challenges our perceptions of pop music. And here, she is pushing the structure of pop music into darker, more twisted directions of subtlety. “bad guy” did the same thing but all of it was treated as a joke. Here? When Billie implies there is a monster, it intrigues the hell out of me. I kept trying to think of some sort of sub context about whether the monster is the horrors of the real world or if it is Billie fighting some sort of inner demons.
But the more I listened to this song, that monster is the uncertainty of everything in life. And as someone who constantly worries about the uncertainty of what my future holds, I approve of everything this song stands for. It is so relieving to hear this coming from someone who is over ten years younger than me. It’s also a refreshing approach to tackling this subject matter in such a dark twisted manner. I’m glad she went for an unsettling approach because honestly, no one else would have done this in such a way. And that’s what makes Billie such a unique artist. She may come off as a weirdo to outsiders, but that’s part of the appeal. This song is a devilish masterpiece and I can’t wait to see what sort of concoctions Billie stirs up next.
SpoilerYou guys remember 2018 ending with this utterly bizarre display of embarrassment, right? Honestly, why stop there? Let’s share the complete timeline of bizarre stories about these two:
https://www.capitalxtra.com/features/lists/cardi-b-offset-complete-relationship-history/
Remember when Offset and Cardi B were once compared to the new Jay-Z/Beyonce? Well they sure skipped many years of happily being married and went straight to the cheating scandal. Yeah, I don’t know what else to say but this marriage has been a rocky one. Things seem to be good now, but I saw plenty of articles online popping up questioning whether the cheating scandal was staged and done for personal publicity. All I have to say about that is DID YOU WATCH OFFSET CRASHING THE CARDI CONCERT BEGGING FOR HER TO TAKE HIM BACK? WHY WOULD YOU STAGE SOMETHING TO COMPLETELY EMBARRASS YOURSELF?!
Offset and Cardi must have seen the tabloids questioning the authenticity of the cheating scandal. They made a song about it.
8. “Clout” – Offset (featuring Cardi B)
Before I go any further, I’m reading the comments section now for the video and I see one of the most liked comments was about their cheating scandal being used as clout for this song. And to that I say, DID YOU WATCH OFFSET BEGGING CARDI FOR FORGIVE…okay I’ve got to stop bringing that humiliating act up otherwise that will be the entire entry and I’ll completely forget to talk about the song, which I do love.
This song is addressed towards those who use others for personal fame or using social media to become huge. And I for one agree. Those sorts of people are fake (cough THE PAUL BROTHERS). But you can’t hear this song and not ignore the giant elephant in the room that this song was about the media obsessing over the turmoil of Offset and Cardi for a good six months. Both of them do address it in the song for the record to mixed results.
Offset takes a while to get there. He has to go through his usual flexing first and it’s the reason this song isn’t any higher. But when he gets to the second verse, his part is a major improvement. I like how he points out how he doesn’t bite the bait and sip on the toxic waste of sites like TMZ reporting about his personal life. Seriously, fuck TMZ. And then he talks about making sure his kids will have money for their financial future. That’s a good retrospective showing that he has his head on straight.
And then we get to Cardi and my god. I know I’ve talked about how bored I’ve been by her this year, but her verse here is straight fire. This is the sort of stuff that reminds me why I love her. She doesn’t shy back about anything. She addresses everything head on from the scandal, to her beef with Nicki Minaj, to people using her for clickbait, to some incredibly clever Brandy and Destiny’s Child wordplay, god I can go on and on as to how much Cardi fucking nails this song. Hell even the music video isn’t subtle about how pissed off Cardi is about clout chasing. She spends a chunk of the video surrounded by lemons, which that fruit will never be associated without reminding people of Beyonce ever again. Remember what I said earlier about the Cardi/Offset and Jay/B comparisons? Cardi is well aware.
One last thing, that piano line kills. Every time I hear it, that melody doesn’t escape my head for the rest of the day. It only makes the song all the more addictive. If this song was made for clout, then it is one hell of way to do so. Great stuff.
SpoilerI’ve talked a lot about memes making songs bigger hits than they have any right to be A LOT over these last couple years. And while I still have my fair share of problems with memes becoming a part of chart success these days, I’ve started to finally learn to accept that memes aren’t necessarily a bad thing towards how successful a song is. Hell, it could be argued that “Old Town Road” being on top for as long as it was was due to the meme culture of it. But you know which song in particular I’m especially grateful for becoming a smash hit due to a meme?
What a pretty little song it is.
7. “Truth Hurts” – Lizzo
And what a rising superstar Lizzo is on her way to becoming. Honestly, if all three of her charting hits made this year end list, all three would be on this best list. That’s how good Lizzo is. This woman has all the potential in the world to be one of the defining artists of the next ten years. Only one song made this list and my god what a hit “Truth Hurts” was.
Not only did it become the longest reigning rap song by a woman, but it also represented some much needed superstar personality that a lot of the new popstars on the scene lack. I mean I look around at the pop scene and most of the names out there, they are just ordinary people performing music. A lot of the popstars of today don’t have the humongous personalities the popstars of ten years ago had. Lizzo is the closest we’ve had to bringing that back in quite some time.
And that’s what carries this song up the echelon of great pop songs this year. I can’t imagine anyone else but Lizzo singing this song. Her personality shines throughout all of “Truth Hurts”. Line after line. Burn after burn. Only Lizzo could make lines like these stand out. I already went over the lines a few months ago about how genuinely happy she is that the guy she is roasting is back with his ex, while equally not giving a fuck that he went back to her. It’s very refreshing to hear that. But you know what is equally as great of a line?
Why are men great til they got to be great?
That’s a legitimately fantastic line and it is highlighted throughout the song for a reason. I can speak as a man and point out that most men are pieces of shit. I’ve met plenty of guys who only put on the persona of a nice guy just to get something more. So hearing Lizzo callout this guy’s bullshit of being “great” is just so refreshing to hear.
And this is only the beginning of Lizzo’s rise to dominance. I expect nothing but great things to come from her. And thats the truth.
SpoilerSo I’ve been talking a lot about how weird and bizarre this year was for hit music. One of the more bizarre stories of the year was rap lyrics being used as circumstantial evidence for arrest warrants. The more prime example of such was YNW Melly getting arrested and charged for a double murder that could possibly sentence him to either life in prison or put on death row due to previous legal troubles. And what was one of the biggest claims of evidence against him? His breakout hit single “Murder On My Mind”. Now me personally, I find that song incredibly well detailed and well performed, but I can’t listen to it without feeling deeply uncomfortable due to the real life implications. It’s like listening to a murderer confessing to his crimes in gruesome detail.
The other? Well…
Yeah, that was this year. How many memes were made off of this? A Lot.
6. “a lot” – 21 Savage
So before we go any further, what lyrics were the cause of 21 Savage’s ICE detainment?
Been through some things but I couldn’t imagine my kids stuck at the border.
Really? That was the dead giveaway? Anyone could have pointed out that the Trump administration’s family separation policy is fucking cruel and inhumane. Can’t believe that was the reason it pissed off ICE so badly that they had to search for a reason to detain 21 Savage. This is the darkest timeline.
Okay back to the song before I get more of my own political commentary in. This song is excellent. 21 Savage’s monotone delivery excels perfectly here. It adds another layer to this song entirely. The way 21 brags about everything going on in his life, there is an added layer of how tired he is from his journey. The roads that he took to get where he is. I often criticize how most rap music doesn’t detail how someone started from the bottom and got to the top. That first verse of 21’s may be short, but he goes over all the key points that led him to where he is. And that is very much appreciated by yours truly. Hell, his monotone delivery about being on top also adds another other layer to this song that he’s bored of being rich and successful when there is still so much wrong with the world.
But for as much as I enjoy 21’s verse, it’s not the main reason this song is so high on this list. It’s because of him.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1VNHp_flJKE
J. Cole didn’t release a new album in 2019, unless you want to count that Dreamville collaborate album which I honestly don’t. But with how many guest verses he did this year and how many songs he completely stole because of it, his presence was always a huge blessing in my eye. His next album is going to be even bigger because of it.
But he completely steals 21’s song with how much straight fire he spits. Honestly there are so many awesome points that I’m just going to make a checklist of everything awesome he states:
-He points out how some of these artists aren’t as big as they seem because they utilize payola to fake their streams.
-Some people make memes to become bigger than they seem.
-He’s been playing the back from a lack of promotion. Honestly, it feels true despite how many streams his albums over the last few years had.
-He was hoping his music would speak for itself, but his handlers wanted more from him. So he’s going to show up on other people’s albums and steal their songs. Case in point.
-It’s got to the point that rappers don’t like rapping with him. Very true. I think you all know some of them. *cough DRAKE cough*
-Praying for Markelle Fultz and Dennis Smith Jr. As a die hard NBA fan, I get these references. Fultz’s shot still looks fucked up nearly a year later after he got traded out of the 76ers. I hope he gets whatever mental and physical problems fixed because he looked so talented coming out of college. And Dennis Smith Jr. is fighting through depression. He needs all the prayers he can get.
-Pray for Tekashi and how people want him to rot. Which he follows with that he can picture him inside his cell doing some reflecting on how he made it to the top was worth it or not. I mention that because just merely mentioning how he prayed for 6ix9ine did cause some shock and befuddlement at first by others. But that’s never how I interpreted that line. My interpretation is that he hopes that Tekashi is realizing that how he became big off of controversy, memes, and how he handled his fame was really worth it in hindsight. And honestly, it’s fucking great that he points that out. Because I don’t think I ever saw someone handle fame as poorly as 6ix9ine. He kept using his shock value and controversy to highlight his fame. When in all honesty, it only highlighted how untalented he is. It was his own stupidity that led to his arrest and possibly spending the rest of his life in either prison or witness protection. I do wonder if years and years from now if he will do some self-reflection and realize that being a terrible person and doing nothing to change that was worth it or not for him. Damn J. Cole. Talk about being woke.
But yeah, an awesome guest verse that single handedly carries this song from good to great. Can’t wait for that next album and just goes to show that 21 Savage is improving. And that’s all I ask for from artists. I don’t ask for A LOT. I’ll see myself out
SpoilerWell we can’t talk about this year without talking about the biggest number one of all time. So let’s talk about the greatness that is…
5. “Old Town Road” – Lil Nas X (featuring Billy Ray Cyrus)
The history that will forever be attached to this song is one of the most fascinating things that has ever occurred during my years of following the charts. From its original meme status to Lil Nas X riding the Billboard chart controversy, to multiple think pieces about what defines a genre, to keeping the interest in this song artificially high with at least five remixes. But at the end of the day, it was number one for five months. Novelty can only carry you so far if your popularity never wanes. I’ve never seen any song encapsulate what it is like to be alive at this point in time in pop culture: memes, social justice, genre blending, social media awareness, playing off nostalgia, and met-awareness.
People can question whether Lil Nas X played the system or not. It wouldn’t have worked if the American public didn’t want it to. Anybody could have completely rejected all those remixes and chose not to stream the song entirely by their own choosing if there wasn’t others genuinely interested in any form of the song. Let’s call a spade a spade. Old Town Road stopped being a meme nearly a month after its inception with the Billy Ray Cyrus remix. Which is the version that will always be tied to my association with this song. Old Town Road became a song that people can genuinely enjoy unironically at that point. It is country music and rap finally meeting at a crossroads and not sucking.
That is the biggest appeal of this song to me. As a fan of both genres, I’ve been longing for the two to finally meet at a crossroad and make me feel more than indifference or embarrassment. And all it took to get there was a nineteen year old kid futzing around with a Nine Inch Nails sample and recruiting the dad from Hannah Montana to hop on for a remix that finally made the original demo of a song sound complete. What an utterly bizarre journey for the longest reigning number one song of all time, but you know what? I don’t care. I absolutely love this song. It never ceases to amaze me every time I hear it.
The simplistic nature of having a rapper with a deep country voice rapping about country tropes was a song that I didn’t know I needed in my life. Thank you Lil Nas X. Keep riding the waves of positive momentum you made until you can’t no more.
SpoilerOkay you all got me.
This should have made the best list last year. My bad.
4. “SICKO MODE” – Travis Scott
What the hell do I know? Why do you guys listen to my opinions? Middle-tier song from ASTROWORLD? Did I really say that? It’s one of the best. Top five…hell top three honestly.
Yeah this should have made my top ten last year. Looking back at that list, it would probably place around number 6. It’s a great song. I always thought it was great. I was worried that overplay would affect my thoughts on this song. But you know what? It hasn’t. Honestly, overplay has only made me find more and more things to love about this song. That’s why it is above Love Lies now.
And you know what the weird thing about this song is? It hit number one in 2018, but it honestly feels bigger in 2019 than it ever did in 2018. And I repeat, it hit number one song last year. But this song has helped change trap music for the better in 2019. We are getting more and more fusions with other genres and I place all of that solely on the success of “Sicko Mode”.
You can definitely tell that Travis Scott is a protégé of Kanye. Not just in terms of making each of his albums into experiences. And just like Kanye use to do (and still does, except not good), he knows how to grab your attention. It’s an ambitious piece of art that molds three separate songs into this progressive trap song we badly needed when the genre was starting to become overdone with the same clichés.
Oh and I don’t care how sick we as a society are collectively of Drake. His parts fucking kill. If you can make taking a Xanax nap sound cool, you’ve still got something to bring to the table.
It takes a big man to admit he was wrong about a song. And while I’ve always loved this song, I was dead wrong to leave it off my best list last year. Call it what you want, but this song is absolutely excellent.
SpoilerHey guess who made the best list this year…to the surprise of no one.
As I’ve previously mentioned throughout the year, this is the Ariana Grande era for pop music. She made shock waves throughout the industry as she pulled a Drake and released a second new album over the course of six months. And while I did enjoy both albums a lot, it’s still a damn shame that the Sweetener era was cut so short. Because while I have been hit or miss with the thank u next singles, every Sweetener single just hit and they hit hard.
3. “breathin” – Ariana Grande
Throughout the many singles Ariana has released over the past two years, it’s easy to see why this probably performed the least successful of the bunch. Ariana has no tears left to cry. Ariana can have sex with you so hard that she can change your religious ideology. She can take each failed relationship and overcome it with grace and poise. She is better than all of us and can afford the finest luxuries because she’s rich and we’re poor. She wants you to break up with your girlfriend because she’s bored. She doesn’t want you to call her angel.
It’s easy to play off all these traits, but at the end of the day, they are just a mirage. One lyric from another 2019 song “Boyfriend” showed Ariana’s thoughts on her life. “I’m a motherfucking trainwreck.” The real Ariana Grande often showed up in her social media where her real life problems were front and center. And while I’ve commended her for years on overcoming all the tragedies and still pushing forth doing what she loves, I still hope she is okay underneath it all.
Getting straight to the point, this song is the realest song Ariana Grande has ever composed. As someone who has a history of high blood pressure due to his anxiety, I can relate to this song hardcore. When my anxiety kicks in and I can feel my blood pressure rising, one of my recommended techniques from my doctors to help me is just to pause and take deep breathes. It’s a simple, yet effective technique that helps me. And that’s what this simple pop song was for a lot of people. A reminder to keep breathing when you’re suffering from any sort of anxiety.
But I’ll be honest, even if I remove any sort of personal thoughts from this song, that beat drop in the chorus gets me every time. Like our Shadow based senpai once pointed out, it’s a world shattering drop that just hits super hard. And tie that in with one of Ariana’s best vocal performances to date and “Breathin’” would still be one of the best songs of the year just on that alone. But it’s one of my top three songs of the year because it is personally useful for me.
SpoilerSo in this year’s edition of Clappy’s Hypocrisy Post, it’s time for make repentance with a sub category of music that I’ve been a bit cruel to over the years. WEDDING SONGS!
Which you know, it is fitting. I got married this year. I’ve never really hated these sorts of songs. It’s just that a lot of the time you come across a bunch of uninspired three to four minute pieces of shlock that could have been written in their sleep. It’s easily the biggest sellout single a performer can release…ahem:
But in 2018, my wife and I came across a song that just made us feel this defined our relationship and our love for each other. And it was a fair sized hit on the Hot 100 at the time too…but then it fell off the charts after twenty weeks…and then it came back again and made it safely onto the year end list as the biggest pure country song of the year. Weird how things work out, but that’s what 2019 was. Weird occurrence after weird occurrence and you know what, I’ll take it.
2. “Speechless” – Dan + Shay
What can I say? Country music crossovers are becoming the norm now. And honestly, I’ve always liked Dan + Shay. Granted, they’ve always felt a tad more pop than your traditional country, but they just harmonize off each other so well. And honestly, now more than ever, they are starting to definitely trend towards contemporary pop. With this being their biggest pop hit to date. And I’ll be honest, this feels like a boy band song more than a country song. Close your eyes and tell me that this doesn’t sound like a Backstreet Boys wedding song. That’s not a complaint by the way. Backstreet for life.
And honestly, this song will forever associate with my wedding day. Not just that first dance. Just the day in general. Seeing my wife walk down the aisle, looking like a million bucks to me, it just epitomized my thoughts for her. Every time she walks into the room all prettied up for dates, weddings, hell just any occasion I’m speechless with how beautiful she is inside and out.
But hell even removing my own personal thoughts and associations it has for my love for my wife, this song works. Any sort of clichéd lines about how it will take her five minutes to get ready or how he will be a mess no matter what become obsolete when that chorus hits. When they wail how he is speechless, it hits every fucking time. Dan and Shay just sell the hell out of that line and that drop leading to the word speechless following with the rest of the chorus is fucking perfect. I am completely invested that they are speechless with their loved ones beauty.
Dan and Shay made one of the best wedding songs I’ve ever come across and unfortunately lightning did not strike twice with that new wedding song single with Justin Bieber that is fucking terrible. But I will forever be grateful for them making a wedding song that leaves me speechless every time I walk into a room.
SpoilerTo understand why I picked what I picked to be my number one for this year, we will have to go back a whole year to truly understand it all in context.
Writing the 2018 year end lists felt like a chore. Even the best list, which I declared to be one of the upper best lists of this decade. Because while I do love all the songs on my best list, 2018 as a whole was not a good year. At least ten percent of that year end list had hits from toxic awful people. At least ten percent of that year end list was Drake flooding the charts with his overlong bore of an album. Album bombs were flooding the charts to the point that so many songs got pushed off that the real hit songs of the year all basically sounded the same to me. It felt like pop music was either barely there or basically nonexistent. I honestly started to question the bad direction music was heading. But towards the end of the year, one pop song emerged from the rubble. Started to become viral. Became the humongous smash that we sorely needed amongst all the dreary dreck. And led 2019 into one of the most interesting years I’ve ever covered on this site.
1. “Baby Shark” – Pinkfong
Yep, let’s talk about the cultural impact this slice of pop perfection had on the glorious year that was 2019. This song for toddlers that became such a significant meme to the point that it started to chart on the Hot 100 and stuck around the late 20s/early 30s for fifteen weeks just racking up points amongst the heavyweights of the charts. Pinkfong outcharted BTS, Katy Perry, even DJ Khaled. That’s the sort of impact this simple, yet amazing song had on the cultural zeitgeist in the year of 2019. It’s so culturally significant that Washington Nationals outfielder Gerardo Parra used it as his warm up song and it became significant for the run this team had to winning the World Series. It is also getting its own toy line, television series, hell it would be an absolute mistake to not make it a theatrical movie. Society is a sucker for shark movies. Why else do we keep getting them? Give one to the kiddos and it will make hundreds of millions, fuck it maybe even billions. I can’t think of a single reason why this shouldn’t be everyone’s best hit song of 2019 DO DO DO DO DO DO DO. Take it away James Corden:
Spoiler….okay you got me. This only ended up in the late 20s/early 30s of my full chart rankings. Baby Shark is not the real number one. This is:
1. “thank u next” – Ariana Grande
It took some real nerve from me to have this top my own best list of songs from this year. Especially with my wedding song right fucking there as a safe choice. And who knows, maybe this will top other people’s best lists as well. It’s that fucking great. Well I don’t care what other people think. It’s my best song of the year because it made me fall back in love with pop music at a time where I thought it was at its weakest.
You know what my main problem with pop music has been over the past couple years? Most of the songs that have gotten popular could have been made by anybody. Even the songs I like. Like I said earlier, I miss when pop songs use to have real personality behind them and looking back at all these songs for the decade end list really reminded me of that.
As we all know, no popstar has had a more rough personal life in the last three years than Ariana with the bombings, the failed relationships, the death of a long time love, the engagement falling through, etc. Ariana could have just fell off the face of the Earth for years after going through such tragedy and no one would have blamed her.
And that’s where this song shines the most. Ariana letting us dive in to the context that is her personal life and discussing it with such poise and grace. Every single choice Ariana makes in this song is perfect. She handles everything so thoughtfully and gracefully. Handling each past relationship as a life lesson and giving a moving tribute to her ex Mac Miller in the process.
All year long, I kept telling you guys we’re living in the Ariana Grande era of pop music. I’ve always liked her and while her album in 2018 did plenty well and I liked every single hit she had off that album, the “thank u next” era made her a bonfide superstar. And to me, this will be the definitive song that defines what made Ariana Grande into the megastar she is today.
I’m so fucking grateful for this slice of pop perfection. Thank u Ariana. Thank u for reminding me why I loved pop music when I needed it the most. Thank u for spinning your public drama into gold. Now give yourself a much needed break. U honestly deserve one.
Full Rankings:
Spoiler1. “thank u next” – Ariana Grande
2. “Speechless” – Dan + Shay
3. “Breathin’” – Ariana Grande
4. “SICKO MODE” – Travis Scott
5. “Old Town Road” – Lil Nas X (featuring Billy Ray Cyrus)
6. “a lot” – 21 Savage
7. “Truth Hurts” – Lizzo
8. “Clout” – Offset (featuring Cardi B)
9. “bury a friend” – Billie Eilish
10. “Love Lies” – Khalid & Normani
11. “Sunflower” – Post Malone & Swae Lee
12. “High Hopes” – Panic! At the Disco
13. “Dancing With a Stranger” – Sam Smith & Normani
14. “Circles” – Post Malone
15. “I Like It” – Cardi B, Bad Bunny, & J Balvin
16. “If I Can’t Have You” – Shawn Mendes
17. “Hot Girl Summer” – Megan Thee Stallion (featuring Nicki Minaj & Ty Dolla Sign)
18. “Suge” – DaBaby
19. “Sweet But Psycho” – Ava Max
20. “Beautiful People” – Ed Sheeran (featuring Khalid)
21. “Shallow” – Lady Gaga & Bradley Cooper
22. “MIDDLE CHILD” – J. Cole
23. “Going Bad” – Meek Mill (featuring Drake)
24. “Robbery” – Juice WRLD
25. “Cash Shit” – Megan Thee Stallion (featuring DaBaby)
26. “God’s Country” – Blake Shelton
27. “The London” – Young Thug, J. Cole, & Travis Scott
28. “Pop Out” – Polo G (featuring Lil Tjay)
29. “Tequila” – Dan & Shay
30. “Panini” – Lil Nas X
31. “Baby Shark” – Pinkfong
32. “Pure Water” – Mustard & Migos
33. “Beer Never Broke My Heart” – Luke Combs
34. “Boyfriend” – Ariana Grande & Social House
35. “Thotiana” – Blueface
36. “when the party’s over” – Billie Eilish
37. “bad guy” – Billie Eilish
38. “Act Up" - City Girls
39. “Wake Up In The Sky” – Gucci Mane, Bruno Mars & Kodak Black
40. “Rumor” – Lee Brice
41. "Better Now" - Post Malone
42. “Taki Taki” – DJ Snake (featuring Selena Gomez, Ozuna, & Cardi B)
43. “Trip” – Ella Mai
44. “My Type” – Saweetie
45. “All To Myself” – Dan & Shay
46. “Worth It” – YK Osiris
47. “Con Calma” – Daddy Yankee & Katy Perry (featuring Snow)
48. “break up with your girlfriend, i’m bored” – Ariana Grande
49. “Only Human" - Jonas Brothers
50. “Drip Too Hard” – Lil Baby & Gunna
51. “Money In The Grave” – Drake (featuring Rick Ross)
52. “Beautiful Crazy” – Luke Combs
53. “Senorita” – Shawn Mendes & Camila Cabello
54. “Eastside” – benny blanco, Halsey & Khalid
55. “Youngblood” – 5 Seconds of Summer
56. “Good As You” – Kane Brown
57. “Wow” – Post Malone
58. “Talk” – Khalid
59. “You Need to Calm Down” – Taylor Swift
60. “Hey Look Ma, I Made It” – Panic! At the Disco
61. “Talk You Out Of It” – Florida Georgia Line
62. “Look What God Gave Her” – Thomas Rhett
63. “Happier” – Marshmello & Bastille
64. “Mo Bamba” – Sheck Wes
65. “MIA” – Bad Bunny (featuring Drake)
66. “Better” – Khalid
67. “Walk Me Home” – Pink
68. “Murder on My Mind” – YNW Melly
69. “ZEZE” – Kodak Black (featuring Travis Scott & Offset)
70. “No Guidance” – Chris Brown (featuring Drake)
71. “Shotta Flow” – NLE Choppa
72. “How Do You Sleep?” – Sam Smith
73. “Goodbyes” – Post Malone (featuring Young Thug)
74. “Look Back At It” – A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie
75. “The Git Up” – Blanco Brown
76. “Close Friends” – Lil Baby
77. “7 rings” – Ariana Grande
78. “Leave Me Alone” – Flipp Dinero
79. “Lucid Dreams” – Juice WRLD
80. “Please Me” – Cardi B & Bruno Mars
81. “Beautiful” – Bazzi (featuring Camila Cabello)
82. “Envy Me” – Calboy
83. “Trampoline” - SHAED
84. “Baby” – Lil Baby & DaBaby
85. “Money” – Cardi B
86. “Knockin’ Boots” – Luke Bryan
87. “One Thing Right” – Marshmello & Kane Brown
88. “Be Alright” – Dean Lewis
89. “Without Me” – Halsey
90. “Swervin’” – A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie (featuring 6ix9ine)
91. “Sucker” – Jonas Brothers
92. “ME!” – Taylor Swift (featuring Brendon Urie)
93. “Whiskey Glasses” – Morgan Wallen
94. “Ransom” – Lil Tecca
95. “Close to Me” – Ellie Goulding, Diplo & Swae Lee
96. “Eyes On You” – Chase Rice
97. “Someone You Loved” – Lewis Capaldi
98. “I Don’t Care” – Ed Sheeran & Justin Bieber
99. “Girls Like You” – Maroon 5 (featuring Cardi B)
100. “You Say” – Lauren Daigle
-
4
-
-
Go Nationals!
-
1
-
-
41 minutes ago, Katniss said:
Great list, Clap. I don’t agree with your #10 (I was never a huge fan of them but this is like candy to me, what can I say) and a certain one of your dishonorable mentions, but everything else is fairly unimpeachable
Fortunately I haven’t heard #2 but it sounds like peak bland whiteness.
can’t wait for your best list! This was a weird year for sure but there were quite a few gems.
You haven't heard of "Girls Like You"? Man aren't you lucky for avoiding it for two whole years.
-
So this is the part where I talk about my general thoughts on the charts. And for the first time in a couple years…I actually have a lot of thoughts about the hit music landscape as a whole.
2019 was a really weird year. It didn’t start off that way. A lot of the huge hits from last year lingered through the winter and a good portion of the spring this year and I made that abundantly clear during my spring chart rankings. But then something amazing happened. We got a large abundance of new stuff from the least likely of people. If you told me at the beginning of the year that some of the biggest hits of this year had Billy Ray Cyrus, Snow, and Bradley Cooper of all people, I would have thought that you were messing with me. And then we had major career revivals for Lady Gaga, The Jonas Brothers coming back together, and one of the biggest names of this year was Brendon Urie of Panic! At the Disco. Let me make that clear. The lead singer of a fourteen year old band became one of the go to guys for chart success. But the icing that really topped the cake for unnatural behavior? Taylor Swift, Brendon Urie, Ed Sheeran, Justin Bieber, Post Malone, Shawn Mendes, Ariana Grande, and many more would be blocked from the number one spot for nineteen weeks on the Hot 100 by a then nobody named Lil Nas X and an absolute joke in Billy Ray Cyrus. Only to end up being dethroned by Billie Eilish, who is also a major newcomer in 2019, singing a song about trying to seduce your dad.
And that is part of the reason why 2019 will go down as one of the best years of the 2010s. Because of the unpredictability of it all. This was a fascinating year to follow the charts. After how dour and depressing 2018 was, I’ll gladly take the weird and wonderful that was 2019 any day of the week. Especially if the quality was there. Which it definitely was in droves. 2019 has one of the strongest and most competitive best lists I’ve had in years. And we’ll get to that soon enough.
But you know where we have to start, as always when it comes to these lists for me. With all the praising I just gave for this year in general, the year-end list doesn’t really convey that. Honestly, it’s the back half of the year end list that confuses me in particular. I can’t help but look at this list and think, this was a hit? And, this song somehow had enough points to make it over others that better represent the year in a whole? Billboard’s tracking needs to change whether it be the time allocated or the points allocated because this is a broken system.
Back to the worst list though…and I’ll be honest. While there was plenty of bad music from this year, a lot of it is not your run of the mill bad. I think one of the biggest things I’m looking forward to from this list season is what people consider their worst of the year that is 2019. Because I’ll be honest, I can’t think of what many consider to be easy candidates. I have a lot of choices for my worst list and dishonorable mentions especially that you are about to see that not many people will consider your usual “easy targets”. Sure there are bound to be some that you all will think are, let’s not be coy. But I think this year in particular, you’ll see a lot of differing opinions as to what people will view as what they think is bad this year. Definitely an improvement in my eyes because I like varying opinions. So with that being said, let’s see what varying opinions I have amongst the rest of you. Starting off with some dishonorable mentions in no particular order.
SpoilerDISHONORABLE MENTIONS:
“Money” – Cardi B
This is honestly the most interchangeable song Cardi B has ever done. And she had A LOT of interchangeable songs this year. This is a rough draft of an unfinished song that has been done to death by this genre. Did you guys know that rappers brag about how much money they make? This only proves that it doesn’t matter what gender you are. Going through the most basic of clichés still makes your song suck.
“Knockin Boots” – Luke Bryan
I swear Luke Bryan has gotten so lazy that this song right here is simply a list of all country music tropes and it somehow became a huge hit. At least it’s an improvement over his three huge hits from this decade. Which are still some of the worst country music of the 2010s. Progress I guess.
“Be Alright” – Dean Lewis
This year’s winner of the Ed Sheeran rip-off award who we will collectively forget about by the time this post is over. Hope you enjoyed your fifteen minutes of fame because it’s over, mate.
“Trampoline” – SHAED
So this was a number one hit on the alternative charts this year (and was featured in Apple commercials for the new MacBook Pro buy one today). And I honestly don’t understand why anyone anywhere would seek this song out. It’s not like there aren’t other “alternative”/indie pop acts out there right now with this exact same sound. It’s like sitting and watching paint dry. Not the exact mood bouncing on a trampoline gets out of people.
What an awfully dull song and that was before the ZAYN remix. Guess his career is over if that is what it takes to get him a hit now. Almost feel bad for the guy since his latest album failed commercially in spectacular fashion. I wonder if and when that One Direction reunion happens if he’ll get down on his knees and beg for them to save him from irrelevancy.
“Envy Me” – Calboy
This was one of the biggest non crossover rap hits on the year-end list. And I completely forget about it every time I see it. And I’m not just talking about the song. I’m talking about the guy who performs it. Say what you want about how old the modern rap scene makes me feel, but at least I remember some of these guys when they pop up, even if it is only with one hit. Who the actual fuck is Calboy? How can I envy you when I don’t even know who the hell you are, guy?
“Please Me” – Cardi B & Bruno Mars
It’s been a long time since a song soured on me as fast as this did. I can’t listen to this song anymore without hearing studio execs meddling and giving this song a shit ton of payola to make this a hit. Also not helping is Bruno Mars sounding absolutely god awful on this. It was only a matter of time until Bruno Mars went through all his retro phases and eventually got to the 2010s. Because this is basically a 2010’s Bruno Mars song disguised as a 90s R&B song. And Cardi B just sounds flat out bored. Where is the intensity that made “Finesse” sound so great? Fuck this song.
“One Thing Right” – Marshmello & Kane Brown
Marshmello is a fitting name for this guy. Because his songs are produced by absolute fluff. The production on this song is absolute garbage. Kane Brown sounds like a manipulative asshole. For all the problems I had with “Happier”, at least it had good lyrical content and told a good story. I don’t understand why the woman in this song would be with this douchebag. Such a trainwreck of a song in general that I can’t believe got as popular as it did.
“Beautiful” – Bazzi (featuring Camila Cabello)
I don’t fucking get the appeal of this guy whatsoever. He’s awful in all the ways all these other one name stage names are awful like Lauv, MAX, Gnash, and anyone else I’m forgetting. But here he is with two hits to his name so I guess he’s going to be the one sticking around. That’s probably due to the fact that this dull turd got popular off a remix with Camila Cabello. My apologies to Senorita. This is the most staged romantic song of the year. I don’t buy the chemistry between these two whatsoever and it makes this song dull audio white noise. Which means the radio loved it. Go figure.
“Baby” – Lil Baby & DaBaby
This song should be funny with that clickbait title and the artists unironically involved. The hacks at Quality Control knew what they were doing when coming up with this. But good lord, this battle for best baby isn’t even a contest. DaBaby is fucking killing it here. Why does he only get like 20% of the song? Lil Baby is left with the other 80% and he’s getting left in the dust. He’s the reason why this song is a colossal disappointment and just further proves that he is still dull as dirt.
“Without Me” - Halsey
Some of you assumed this was going to be on the worst list proper. I honestly considered it for the longest time. It’s just not a pleasant song to listen to. It sounds like ass. And it still does. “New Americana” will forever be the worst Halsey song unless she releases something absolutely unbearable. And this is a safe second.
So what spared it at honestly the last second? The writing. It finally clicked with me. She really put it all out there and it made her a huge star. Like some of these lines actually hit me finally. It’s a damn shame that the chorus still comes off like an obnoxious teenager who is experiencing heartbreak for the first time. But these verses are finally resonating more.
All that being said, stream “Graveyard”. Aka the good version of “Without Me”.
Spoiler11. “Swervin’” – A Boogie Wit Da Hoodie (featuring 6ix9ine)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mk9YcoZCuzA
Yeah I know this is a Top Ten List and honestly the main reason this song is just outside the top ten list proper is that I like this beat a lot. It deserves better. But I’ve got to make an exception to talk about something that has been on mind all year long. Why are we still giving Tekashi 6ix9ine a platform in 2019?
From all the memes that are still being made specifically about him to the fact that his guest verse is the main reason this song became a hit. Why aren’t we letting him rot in prison for the rest of his life or go into witness protection program so we never have to see his stupid fucking face ever again? He is one of the worst performers I’ve ever covered doing these lists and yeah that really is a bold statement on my end. And in a year where we had a lot of good hits and most of the toxic hit makers of last year faded out, here is this stupid shit with a guest verse about shooting up people and it really isn’t making his case in his pending lawsuit. Fuck you 6ix9ine. You suck so bad that you completely missed the point of this song.
…oh and fuck that other guy with the awful stage name who used Rainbow Pedo Man’s name for clickbait. He is so uninteresting that the comments section to his own music video barely even talks about his part of the song. Getting upstaged by the rejected Skittles mascot. That’s really saying something about A Boogie’s longevity.
Now that I got all that out of the way, let's get to the main list proper. Let's give a swift GOODBYE GOODBYE GOODBYE to...
CLAPPY'S TOP TEN WORST HIT SONGS OF 2019
SpoilerSo with the decade end project in the works, it is amazing to see how so many of these acts from the start of the decade have evolved over time.
https://www.billboard.com/charts/decade-end/hot-100
That’s one of the many reasons I enjoy writing these sorts of reviews. To see how artists change their style or sound over time. Let’s face it, for better or worse, artistic growth is a good thing. Because if you don’t change it up, well you might as well just be the Jonas Brothers.
10. “Sucker” – Jonas Brothers
And speaking of changing with the times, I went from not even remotely caring about this song to hating this to questioning why this was one of the biggest hits of this year. I already stated that the Jonas Brothers were never meant to be my cup of tea. This song wasn’t mean to be for me. None of their songs from this year were meant for me. I’m a guy who is married to a woman who worships the ground they walk on and also has a sister who would probably marry Joe Jonas if she ever had the opportunity to.
But the more I heard this song in particular, the more it just became obvious to me that this giant return single that skyrocketed its way to number one is the most half-assed song of the year. It rips off the melody from “Feel It Still” by Portugal. The Man. That whistle drop might as well be any whistle drop from any song, it’s that uninspired. But it’s the lyrics that really give away how little thought was actually put into this song more than their others. I’ll give “Only Human” and “Cool” this. Both at least had something distinctly lame enough to stick out and actually make me kind of like both of them.
Like I mentioned earlier in the year, it’s pretty much every other song they’ve ever made about how they subliminally want to get in their fangirls pants. But god, some of these lines are so basic that any hack could have used these:
We go together
Better than birds of a featherThis lyric is so old that the Jonas Brothers must have gotten this one delivered by carrier pigeon.
You're the medicine and the pain
The tattoo inside my brainOf course it was going to be the latter. What else could it have been? I’ve lost count over how many times songs have used this rhyme scheme. Shoot, Hall and Oates literally had a song titled “No Brain, No Pain” where they beat that rhyme into submission that I never want to hear it again.
But let’s go back to the preamble. Over the past ten years, we’ve gone from Ke$ha to Kesha. We’ve gone from twerking Miley to adult contemporary Miley. Jason DeRulo has gone from my walking punching bag to being somewhat tolerable. Taylor Swift has gone from the sweet innocent teenager to a premadonna. I could go on all day about how artists change to stick with the times. The Jonas Brothers from 2019 still sound like the Jonas Brothers from 2006. That’s thirteen years of basically making the same damn music.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yw04QD1LaB0
Hell looking back at their few years of solo work doesn’t sound like artistic growth either. Nick Jonas was practically the poor man’s version of other artists doing that sound like before he did (and that goes for the songs I did like by him). DNCE wasn’t really pushing the envelope of originality either.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UrUJyKsLQeU
These guys are just perfectly fine being stagnant. And why shouldn’t they be? It brought them success together and apart. Well to be quite honest, being complacent artistically is really starting to be problematic for me. Even with artists I love like Bruno Mars. There’s only so much cashing in on what continues to work before it really starts to piss me off. And that is especially true for acts that I never liked to begin with.
Look I get 2000s kids are ready for their nostalgia boom, but at least give it to a group that will sound radically different with the times than making the same cheap cash-ins. Who’s the sucker now? Still me for being the only person to hate this. Next.
SpoilerWow. What a polarizing song, right? How dare Taylor Swift compare the amount of hate she gets to the amount of hate towards the LGBT community; who does she think she is?
…I don’t know how polarizing of an opinion this is outside of Wumbo, but I don’t think this song is all that bad. It’s a fucking mess, but god bless is it a train wreck I can’t stare away from. And despite how misguided the message is, I approve of Taylor standing for something in her music for the first time ever.
She may not be the biggest pop star on the planet anymore, but Taylor proved this year that she is still capable of holding the attention of the general public by being her. And thank goodness “You Need To Calm Down” proved that because if you asked me the same question two months prior to that single’s debut, I would have told you that I thought her days of being a megastar were on their last legs.
9. “ME!” – Taylor Swift (featuring Brendon Urie)
The only reason this song ended up making the year end list is simply due to being the leadoff single from the biggest pop star of the last five years. Because god forbid there was any other reason this karaoke version of itself was as big as it was. For a song entitled “ME!”, this was supposed to be a culmination of all things Taylor Swift. We’re supposed to be excited that the old Taylor is back and that the vengeful goddess of two years ago is dead and gone. What we got was the old Taylor saying, she’s back…I guess.
Plain and simple, this pisses me off for being absent of anything worth talking about. It sounds pleasant, but it’s a hollow song. I was surprised to find out that there wasn’t a commercial or a product of any sort attached to this song when I first heard it. Anyone could have done this song. I shouldn’t be mistaking a Taylor Swift leadoff single as a possible commercial jingle. This song has none of Taylor’s personality, none of her distinct songwriting, not a damn thing. Hell the “spelling is fun” bit is Taylor trying to force a meme that was never going to happen to begin with and then you know what she does? She completely removes it from her album. What a cop out. AT LEAST OWN UP TO YOUR OWN FORCED MEMES. You can’t spell AWESOME without ME? Well you can’t spell LAME without ME either.
Oh and Brendon Urie is on here. I don’t know why. He doesn’t have any chemistry with Taylor. He doesn’t add anything really. For a song called ME, did we really need to include anybody else but Taylor? It just felt like a record exec told her that Brendon Urie’s starpower was on the rise, so let’s add him to the song. Brendon Urie may have had a BIG 2019, but this was easily the most disposable guest verse he had this year. And that includes him saying HE’S A FAT FUCKING PIG.
Taylor may still command attention by just existing, but this is easily the most disposable song she has ever done. I’d rather watch grass grow than listen to this. Next.
SpoilerSo yeah, I’m looking down this year end list and Jesus what a year country music had.
This is definitely the largest amount of country music I’ve ever seen on a year-end list. Is country music really making this large a dent in the music zeitgeist? Is this what will replace trap as the hot new trend everyone will ride on…oh god, I can’t finish this statement without laughing.
Let’s be honest here. Country music is still lame. I will admit it has made huge strides on streaming over the past two years, but my theory is that the hardcore conservatives that mostly make up country’s core fan base want something safer to listen to because rap is too provoking. Even though two of the biggest country hits from this year were rap-country fusions, but hey what do I know?
Either way, I’ll give them good ole boys out in Nashville this. This is the most relevant country music has been in a while. And I’ll be damned if I can’t find at least one song to mention on this list that I couldn’t stand the slightest bit.
8. “Whiskey Glasses” – Morgan Wallen
Now I’ll go ahead and give the song this. This is a prime example of the type of country music songs I love. A guy drinking to mend his heartbreak. And that’s the only compliment I’ll give this song because who the actual hell wants to listen to this?
Seriously. The distortion on this song is fucking grating. And it plays throughout the entire song. It is one thing if it was just a fragment, then this would just make my dishonorable mentions list. But nearly four minutes of this is headache inducing. I’d rather listen to a car alarm go off nonstop for four minutes than just hear the instrumental version of this song. It is that bad.
Then you have the singer, does he even matter? Google tells me that he was actually on The Voice for three rounds or so…and now it makes more sense. He was on Team Usher to only switch to Team Adam.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJ7bg0MqUPk
Makes sense as to why he switched sides. His singing is ear bleeding, while lacking any sort of emotional tone or depth. Let me emphasize that again because why the fuck is he singing a song about pain and misery, so happily? This is so stupidly happy that it becomes insufferably smug when he does that rap breakdown on his second verse. The lyrics don’t convey the mood its going for. They convey total despair. How could you misinterpret your own song this badly?
But remove Morgan Wallen’s reality television contest history, I don’t understand why Nashville leached onto this guy and this song. He’s not a CGI Ken doll like his Voice mentor. He can’t sing worth a damn. The production is utter dog shit. Hell, he’s now collaborating with Diplo. Are we really going to make this nobody into the next big country crossover star? If so, might as well make him the next judge on The Voice. They need a replacement for Adam Levine anyway. Why not one of his proteges? Next.
SpoilerI don’t have a proper preamble for this. I give up. I’m getting too old for this shit.
7. “Ransom” – Lil Tecca
I need to stop trying to get modern day rap music. Because no matter how hard I’ve tried the last couple years to get it, some new guy blows up out of nowhere, gets major backing from studio hacks for playlist payola, and I don’t understand the appeal at all. Enter 2019’s big young rapper. This kid is practically half my age and he officially has a smash hit to his name and once again, I don’t see why. You know how embarrassing it has gotten? I asked a coworker who is at least ten years younger than me what the appeal of this song is. I’ve gotten that desperate trying to figure out what anyone could possibly get out of this song.
Even though I’ve said before if I don’t get it, I can’t hate it; I’m just so bored and tired of this same sounding shit. Is that the appeal of this? Because if so, it fucking sucks. I don’t care if he is sixteen. He could have fooled me with how boring, uninspired, and lazily put together this is. There’s no beat, no hook, no original lyrics, barely a chorus, and no flow…which ironically this song about how he will take someone for ransom if they steal his flow. Good luck with that kid. There is nothing special about it to begin with. Why would someone bother to steal something that you’ve stolen from the hundreds of other trap MCs out there?
And I know I’ve bagged on myself a bit with this entry in particular; not understanding today’s rap scene. But there are genuinely talented new guys and girls that popped up on the charts this year from DaBaby, Ski Mask the Slump God, Meghan Thee Stallion, City Girls, and Polo G to name a few. They at least showed signs that they care enough to try and give themselves distinct first impressions. And then you have this twerp pop out of nowhere, go through all the rap clichés like a checklist, not even try to do anything distinct, barely gets above the two minute mark by letting this limp beat linger on for an additional thirty seconds, and gets himself a smash hit. This infuriates me. If this is what it takes to get a smash hit, well time for me to quit my job and become the next SoundCloud sensation. Now all I need to do is get a Twitter stan following that will say stream this or that and I’m golden…
…oh wait, TikTok is replacing SoundCloud in terms of getting recognized now? I’m late to the latest trends again. Time for me to retire.
SpoilerI touched upon this last year, but as each year passes, it’s getting all the more apparent and even harder to ignore. Radio stations are completely out of touch with what’s popular right now. And it especially sucks if radio was once your main format for figuring out what the people of today are listening to.
“Sunflower” was one of the biggest hits of the year and you know how many times I heard it on the radio? Once. Thank god streaming has become all the more central for figuring out the hits of today and what America is listening to. Because if I was still listening to the radio primarily, I would have assumed this was one of the biggest hits of the year.
6. “Close To Me” – Ellie Goulding, Diplo & Swae Lee
Seriously, whenever I tuned in to radio stations in 2019, I would hear this awfully dull song all the damn time. Color me surprised to figure out this peaked at #24 and was not even in the Top 50 for this year end chart. I can’t emphasize how relieving that was for me to figure out this wasn’t nearly as big as radio wanted to perceive it was because for the life of me, I can’t even begin to imagine who the hell would voluntarily listen to this song.
I like/used to like all three of these artists separately. But together? It’s a twenty-two car pileup on a busy intersection. What the hell happened here? I think the radio is latching on to Ellie Goulding still being a huge star since she had multiple hits the last time radio was really in tune with what was popular back in 2015. But coming back from that multiple year hiatus has really shown that Ellie Goulding has zero personality. Not a single part of her song sounds remotely convincing. Her trying to convince everyone that she is a terrible person and an animal is a huge stretch when she tries to sing the song in her usual siren-like soft vocals. Not helping is that Diplo basically sounded like he had no idea what to do with the production for this song. Especially those squawking synths on the bridge which was a bafflingly bad idea.
And since the song was clearly not going to take off based off its own merits, let’s add Swae Lee to it. I really do miss when most pop songs had a featured guest rapper and Swae Lee is the best hook artist rap music has right now. But even Swae Lee sounds completely disconnected from what’s going on except being awful people. If he and Ellie Goulding are singing about each other, it doesn’t work since they both sound like they are trying to outdo each other in terms of treating the other like shit. Is it possible to have less than zero chemistry?
Ellie has released multiple songs this year to desperately push her comeback and not a single one of them is remotely good. They go in one ear and out the other, just like this song. Talk about selling what’s left of your artistic integrity to try and rack up hits. Next.
SpoilerDid I say only one country song is making this list? I lied. Make that two.
5. “Eyes On You” – Chase Rice
There has to be something else to the major strides country music has made over the last two years. Well I’ve got another theory in mind to go along with the one I previously listed. Due to how predominantly male most of the genre has become, I’ve noticed a small subgenre forming under the surface.
Most of the big country hits over the last few years are all straight forward love songs. I’ve been trying to figure out a proper name for this trend. And as I watched an episode of Billboard Breakdown (check it out fellow chart watchers), Mark coined the term “boyfriend country”, and boy is that a fitting name. Straight forward simple love songs from self-impressed “country boys” that might as well be “white guy with acoustic guitar” songs. No wonder more country music is getting more pop because these guys are basically becoming WGWAGs.
And while I’m not saying all these acts are bad per say, I can tell the genuine of these performers from the artificial. And you can’t get more artificial than former Survivor: Nicaragua runner-up turned country singer, Chase Rice. The poor man’s Sam Hunt. Hell I mistook him as the actual Sam Hunt the first few times I heard this song. He’s got the same talk and sing vocal delivery as him.
This guy is a fucking hack who is willing to trend hop to stay relevant. I knew how fake he was from nearly ten years ago when he was able to manipulate people on one of the worst seasons of my favorite reality show. And not much has changed since then. He hopped all over the bro-country fad when it was starting to trickle out and now boyfriend country is the new big subgenre and he’s hopping on that while it is white hot.
This song is just flat out garbage. This is without a doubt one of the lamest set of “I love you girl” lyrics I’ve ever come across. Not a single original thought. Not a single distinguishing trait that makes this stand out in any remote fashion. Hell I don’t believe Chase Rice is even remotely interested in his generic love interest. I can tell by just watching this music video where if you watch it with close eyes, he’s not even looking at the girl eye to eye. For all I know, he was just pulling an Adam Sandler and making this music video to take a vacation.
I fully believe Chase Rice is a total con and this song only further proves how fake he is. Chase Rice is just doing this to get laid girls. Don’t buy it.
SpoilerAnd in this episode of nepotism gave this man a career. Ever wondered what one of the cousins of Doctor Who sounded like as a singer?
https://ytcropper.com/cropped/zA5df02458f02b1
If you guessed like a diseased ostrich, congratulations. You too can get a number one hit.
4. “Someone You Loved” – Lewis Capaldi
Look, it was inevitable. The UK sends over a plethora of their smash singles. But why this one? Why this ear bleedingly bad X Factor reject? Did the former Doctor Peter Capaldi really have that much of an influence over this catching on not just here, but worldwide? This might as well be one of the biggest hits of 2019 on this planet with how many top tens it cracked. This song from such a punchable jackass. Not only because he sounds like he got punched in the throat before singing, but I’ve seen his Twitter. He comes off as the most arrogant entitled prick. Offering anyone who matches with him on Tinder free tickets to his shows. Constantly tweeting back at everybody or anybody that even slightly mentions any distaste towards him. I seriously hope he gets delegated to one hit wonder-dom because I never so badly wanted to see a douche flame out after his first number one hit.
The song itself isn’t even worth mentioning about. It’s another standard four chord piano ballad about a guy who sounds like he is experiencing heartbreak for the first time. Lewis himself even mentioned that this song came to him sitting at a piano, bashing his head against a brick wall for months trying to find a good melody. Yeah it definitely sounds like that. And this is the part where it seems like his brain suffered some sort of aneurism from all the damage:
https://ytcropper.com/cropped/zA5df02458f02b1
Worst pop music moment of 2019. I can’t believe there is an actual market for this slog of a song. An imported hit hasn’t pissed me off this badly since Passenger in 2013. And just like Passenger, I hope we send this divinely uninspired piece of shit away after his fifteen minutes are up. Next.
SpoilerSo this is what we get when the two biggest male popstars alive collaborate together? If that’s the case then I…am not all that interested.
3. “I Don’t Care” – Ed Sheeran & Justin Bieber
No seriously. What sort of weak ass shit is this? And this limp turd of a song was produced by Max Martin of all people? Jesus, not caring sure sounds right.
A few years ago, I said that I would never give Ed Sheeran shit ever again. And I’ve eaten my words ever since placing him on my worst list last year and again this year. My standing with Ed Sheeran’s music has taken an absolute roller coaster ride this decade, but now I can’t stand him. His constant self-depreciating shtick is really starting to piss me off. He’s one of the biggest worldwide acts of all-time and he wants us to think that he’s a nobody? Kiss my ass. You have made enough money over the years to afford your own country. Humbleness does not fit him well.
As for Justin Bieber…well for one thing, his part is probably the better of the two. But that’s like saying light tuna is better for you than regular tuna. There is still mayonnaise in your sandwich. I do believe Justin Bieber has anxiety problems. It explains his erratic behavior over the years a lot. But Justin Bieber is such a flavorless singer and can’t convey any emotions at all. That’s why so many people ask him to do guest verses because he’s a recognizable name who adds nothing of actual substance to your music. And it’s especially fitting here in this nothing of a song. It actually detracts from it since the production is fucking terrible and can’t distract me from actually trying to listen to this.
This is a team up that should have never seen the light of day. Some team ups make sense, but this is the biggest example in recent memory of bringing the worst out of each other. This song strips everything that was remotely interesting about Ed Sheeran to accommodate to Justin Bieber’s lack of personality and leaves us with boring white noise. And that’s why it stuck around as long as it did this year. Not because people actually liked it. Because it was so inoffensive and bland enough that people didn’t care to tune out.
Ed recently announced that he is going to take a couple years off to recharge after his latest tour is finished. Well if this is any lasting recent impression of what he is going to send himself off with then…
SpoilerAnd speaking of not caring, I wasn’t going to originally place this song on my worst list for 2019. Because who the fuck still cares about this song this year.
But then the end of the decade list came out. And then I got unbelievably frustrated. Ladies and gentlemen, if you want to talk about actively not caring, you can’t sink any lower than Maroon 5.
This should have been on the worst list proper last year. My bad.
2. “Girls Like You” – Maroon 5 (featuring Cardi B)
Consider me all in on the “Girls Like You” hate train. I can understand it becoming a number one hit. I can understand why people like this music video. I can understand a lot of people not changing the station when it comes on the radio because it is such audio white noise that it fits into the background since it is so inoffensive.
But god damn, the fifth biggest song of the 2010’s? One of the biggest hits of all time? Let’s put this in perspective here. Here is what Billboard is telling me this nothing of a song is more influential than from this decade:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYEDA3JcQqw
Bigger than “Rolling in the Deep”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UVNT4wvIGY
Bigger than Gotye.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kJQP7kiw5Fk
Bigger than “Despacito”.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2Ov5jzm3j8
Bigger than “Old Town Road”.
Regardless of my personal opinion on some of these; these are all songs that people will point back at it saying these were some of the greatest hits of the 2010s. Not fucking “Girls Like You”. This meaningless song that got huge because nobody cared enough to not let it linger in the collective conscious as long as it did.
The one thing I always defended about this song not being “that bad” in the past was the Cardi B guest verse. But after nearly two years later, it finally hit me. Her verse adds nothing to this song. Because the song itself already conveys nothing. It’s the same formula that Maroon 5 has successfully ridden this past decade. Verse-Chorus-Verse-Chorus-Bridge-Guest Rapper-Chorus. It’s why the radio loves them so much and refuses to let Maroon 5 die out when nobody else likes them.
I couldn’t have been more dead wrong about Maroon 5 in 2019. I thought that awful halftime show would have ended them. It didn’t. I thought Adam Levine quitting The Voice amidst a ton of backstage drama would have ended him. It didn’t. I thought this nothing of a song would have been the last of Maroon 5’s success on the Hot 100. Good lord was I wrong there.
But there is one more thing I would like to course correct about Maroon 5. “Wait” is the worst song of their career. It wasn’t. This is. Even with that new awful song they have out now that I always forget after every time I hear it, it’s not worse than this. And it’s unfortunately, the biggest song of their careers. Which means Maroon 5 is just going to keep forcing out half-witted uninspired dogshit until radio payola finally ceases to exist.
And that can’t come soon enough.
SpoilerPicking my worst hit song of this year was…complicated, to say it best.
I tend to usually go back and forth as to which songs frustrate me the most as you all can probably tell by reading these lists annually. Most years, it’s easy. Not this year. Probably because most of the hit makers of this year weren’t nearly as obnoxious as years past and we got mostly flavorless and uninspired levels of awful outside of a few exceptions. But when it came down to it, I picked my number one the easiest way I know how. By going to work.
https://www.racked.com/2018/4/25/17271928/retail-music-staffers
As practically all of you may now, I work in retail. Which means I have to hear the same easy listening pop songs at least twice a day. Every week. Every month. So on and so forth. Hearing the same generic white bread pop playlist at work every day does take its toll on me. And when I see plenty of these songs make the year end lists, I try to be objective and not let my personal bias affect whether they make my year end lists. But I’m going to be real with you guys. The more I hear some of these songs, the worse they end up becoming; sometimes becoming outright insufferable. And I can’t think of a bigger example this year of being insufferably bland and flavorless than this.
1. “You Say” – Lauren Daigle
Lauren Daigle has been an absolute bore to my ears with this song for practically the past year and a half. This constant, dull-throbbing snooze of a song somehow managed to be popular enough to chart for nearly a whole year. I guess we were in that big of a need for inoffensive easy listening garbage to stick around amongst all the trap bangers and album bombs.
And it’s quite clear to me who Lauren Daigle is trying to emulate here. Honestly, fooled me at first because I sure thought this was Adele at first listen. Why haven’t more people tried emulating Adele’s sound given the plethora of Grammys, number one hits, multiple diamond selling albums, and changing the pop music landscape as we know it? But then it hit me. Comparing Lauren Daigle to Adele is an insult to Adele. Adele is distinct with her voice and is able to make you feel her emotions through her storytelling. Lauren Daigle brings no fresh edge to this already established sound. Right down to those all too familiar pop song chords. Which of course they are. God forbid empowerment anthems try any different chord progression.
As for the religious undertones, I don’t care. It’s quite obvious that God is in brackets throughout the entire song. I don’t hate it for its Christian morals. As you all know, I’m religious. I don’t want to force my viewpoints onto my readers because I am one who thinks that everyone is entitled to their own religious interpretations and believe what they want to believe.
What I do hate it for is that WHO ACTUALLY FINDS THIS EMPOWERING!? Is God supposed to be the empowering force throughout this song? Because if so, whoever does find this empowering must really hate themselves. Because if you look at the lyrics, all she does is beat herself up:
-She keeps falling short
-She is weak
-She’s not enough
-She can’t measure up
-She doesn’t know who she is
-She doesn’t belong
-She has no identityThat last one really strikes a nerve with me because outside of believing in God, she is basically saying she is nothing. Even I feel insulted by this because life has more purpose than just your religious beliefs. Life is what you make it to be. You can forge your own path in life and only you can tell your own story. You are whatever you identify yourself to be. Don’t let Lauren Daigle and her tediously dull lack of self-esteem make you think otherwise.
I can’t believe this was as big as it was. I may hate self-empowerment anthems for being clichéd ridden piles of pandering but at least they had some sense of identity towards them. I would rather hear artists being up their own asses than someone purposely try to force their religious beliefs to cover up their lack of identity. This is banal-fueled drivel with all the depth of a Yogurt commercial. It’s a formless blob of nothing and it’s also my worst hit song of 2019.
Thank you all for taking the time to read these lists as always. The best list is in the works and should be up within a week or so depending on how work goes. Hope you all enjoy that too!
-
5
-
-
Very curious as to how they’re going to pull off bringing Steve back from the dead and why.
Also isn’t The Cheetah supposed to be the villain of this movie? That’s what I heard from pre-production updates for the movie. Wonder how they’re going to tie that in with Maxwell Lord.
Regardless of above, that teaser is absolutely gorgeous to look at. Love the visual tone and aesthetics they are going for with this movie from the looks of it. Definitely can’t wait to see this.
-
2
-
SBCinema
in SpongeBob's Library
Posted
Fin!
140. SBCinema
Film: The Truman Show
Jjs is the unsuspecting star of SBCinema, a parody program filmed 24/7 through thousands of hidden cameras and broadcast to a worldwide audience. Clappy, the program's creator and executive producer, seeks to capture Jjs's authentic emotions and give audiences a relatable every The Kid. Jjs has been the star of SBCinema since he was born and Clappy officially adopted him from his Chather.
As Jjs was selected from birth, Clappy claims that Jjs came to be adopted not just by the show, but by the whole "world". Jjs's hometown Community is a complete set built within an enormous dome, populated by forum members, who are actually actors, who highlight the product placements that generate revenue for The Truman Show parody. Speaking of which, today’s episode is sponsored by NordVPN. Staying safe online is an ever growing difficulty and you could be exploited by hackers. NordVPN allows you to change your IP address, making you harder to track, securing your privacy. Check out the link at the end of this finale to get 20% off for the first two months and thank you to NordVPN for sponsoring this episode.
The elaborate set allows Clappy to control almost every aspect of Jjs's life, including the sponsors. To prevent Jjs from discovering his false reality, Clappy manufactures scenarios that dissuade Jjs's desire for exploration, such as what shows he chooses to binge watch, by constantly broadcasting his opinions and the opinions of his idols like Irate Gamer, Cr1TiKaL, and everyone’s favorite, Douglas Funny Walker. However, Clappy cannot predict all of Jjs's actions. During his college years, Jjs was intended to be shipped with WhoBob, but fell for an extra named Kat.
Although Kat was quickly removed from The Truman Show parody before she could disclose its nature to Jjs, he continues to remember Kat, and secretly dreams of a life outside the internet walls. In the real world, Kat is a part of "Free Jjs", an activist group that seeks to cancel the parodies and have Jjs released.
As SBCinema approaches its 10th anniversary, Jjs begins discovering unusual elements, such as the emote reactions falling out of the sky in front of his house and a Discord channel that precisely describes his movements. These events are punctuated by the reappearance of his Chather, who had infiltrated The Truman Show parody, with the crew believing the Chactor was somehow recast. Jjs begins questioning his life and realizes that the Cinema somehow revolves around him. WhoBob's stress from attempting to uphold the charade in the face of Jjs's growing skepticism and hostility causes their shipping to deteriorate.
One day, Jjs takes WhoBob by surprise by going on an impromptu Jeopardy game, but increasingly implausible emergencies block their way. During an argument ignited by WhoBob attempting to promote another show for Jjs to watch, Jjs determines that WhoBob is a part of the conspiracy and holds WhoBob at chat point. WhoBob breaks character and is taken off the film parody.
Hoping to bring Jjs back to a controllable state, Clappy re-introduces Jjs's Chather to The Truman Show parody properly, under the guise of having lost her memory after an accident. This helps the parody regain the views lead with audiences, and Jjs seems to return to his routines, except he begins sleeping in his basement. One night, Jjs secretly disappears through a makeshift tunnel in his basement, forcing Clappy to temporarily suspend the parody for the first time in its history. Audiences around the world are captivated by this unexpected event, and record numbers login to view the finale.
This finale was made possible by audible. Audible is the leading provider of audio books. They have over 180,000 of audio books to choose from. Visit www.audible.com for one free audio book! This is the best place for audio books and I cannot recommend it enough.
Clappy orders a community wide search for Jjs and is soon forced to "GIVE IT UP FOR DAY 260" and break the production's day-night cycle to optimize the search. Clappy discovers Jjs running away from SBC. He resumes the transmission and, unable to fetch Jjs, creates a violent storm in an attempt to capsize Jjs. After nearly losing Jjs but failing to break his spirit, Clappy ends the storm. Jjs continues to run until he hits the wall of the dome between fact and fiction.
Initially horrified, Jjs discovers a nearby staircase leading to an exit door. As Jjs contemplates leaving his world, Clappy speaks directly to Jjs through a speaker system and tries to persuade him to stay, claiming that there is no more truth in the real world than in his artificial one, where he would have nothing to fear. After a moment of reflection, Jjs says his catchphrase: "welp, back to the old grind clocks out", bows to his audience and logs off. The forum members celebrate his escape, and Kat races to greet him. Clappy's supervisor JCM, in a cameo, finally ends SBCinema on a shot of the open exit door, leaving Clappy to mourn over the truth of his defeat. Jjs's fans—the viewers of SBCinema—cheer upon his successful escape and then, after transmission ceases, ask what happens next.
Epilogue - SBCinema Cast Members: Where Are They Now!?
-We of course start off with Jjs, now ending the SBCinema once and controlling his fate for the first time in his life. He has decided to attend law school and dreams of becoming the next Saul Goodman.
-OWM has taken this opportunity to become a future jedi in training. Rumor has it that he has now adopted the last name, Skywalker.
-Everyone’s favorite Chather continues to be the most beloved member of this community and hopes that everyone knows how much they love her.
She also becomes a wildly successful artist.
-Fred has become a one million plus subscribed YouTuber with his own series where he talks about retail music playlists…which in this writer’s opinion is a very fascinating topic because he also can’t stand what retailers choose to overplay constantly.
-SBL gets picked up by a major news network and continues to produce the finest newscasting this world has ever seen. An unnamed high level network executive renames his channel to SBLNN and it becomes the number one rated news network.
-OMJ, now rich from his Deathmatch royalties, purchases ROH from Tony Khan and actually gives its own weekly episodic television series. He names Luigi Primo, the Pizza Guy, the first Ring of Honor World Heavyweight Championship.
-Trophy sells his cannon…thus beating this ten year dead joke into the ground once and for all. He uses his cannon money to buyout Kirk Cousins contract, thus fixing the core of the Minnesota Vikings problems and why they will not win a Super Bowl with him at quarterback.
-Katie moves to New Zealand. Need I say more?
-tvguy, a famous politician, continues to ask Nuggets to get on Skype. But Nuggets is too busy topping the Billboard Hot 100 with Dinghy Freestyle.
-WhoBob, also now free from the SBCinema, decides to purchase a podcast set from Amazon and launches his own podcast with WhoBro, where they talk about movies and television shows. The title is appropriately named The WhoCast Show.
-And just like the above, Kylie and Kevin also top the podcast charts with their music takes. Taylor Swift regularly guest stars.
-Rusty is the new owner of all Tennessee sports franchises. Although Rusty still can’t fix what is wrong with the University of Tennessee college football program.
-SB&P finally figures out what the eggplant emoji on Discord stands for.
-Wintermelon enters the Pokemon league and is now a league champion with his Level 100 perfect IV Arcanine.
-Jelly starts up a Beatles tribute band with her family. Their tribute band becomes so big that even Paul McCartney is impressed and Jelly finally gets to meet her idol.
-Fa inherits the Pittsburgh Steelers from the Rooney family. Fa's first job? Train Kenny Pickett to be the next great Steelers QB.
-Steel becomes one of the biggest animation YouTubers and launches a GoFundMe to start his own cartoon. Mr. Enter gets pissed off that more contribute to Steel’s GoFundMe than they did his.
-Sauce continues to live life to the fullest and is now a social media influencer with hundreds of millions of followers. Rumor has it that the her followers are divided as to whether her eyelashes are real.
-Danny DeVito has officially signed on to play The Thing in Marvel’s Fantastic Four reboot.
-Wumbo enlisted in the MLB draft and is working his way up the minor league farm systems as a five tool prospect. The Toronto Blue Jays are going to call him up this weekend.
-Ex’s redemption arch is complete christening it as one of the best arches in SBC history. As he continues to stay in touch with his friends while also going to making one of the longest running animes, Kamen Rider Kizuna.
-Kieran gets the role as the re-casted Ursula in 2023's live action Little Mermaid movie.
-Aya, revealing himself to be the real Jon Moxley, goes on to win the AEW heavyweight championship this coming Wednesday on Dynamite Grand Slam.
-Terminoob becomes the new head of the DC Extended Universe. Finally, the 29046th time is the charm as Warner Bros Discovery merges with NBCUniversal. (This was added in last minute due to the rumors yesterday, holy shit what a trainwreck WBD is now)
-4EverGreen’s next season is Total Cartoon-rama.
-SOF becomes the new head of Nintendo as SOF finds a way to appease all the Nintendo die-hards by doing away with DLC add-ons and releasing fully made games at launch. For once, Nintendo fans finally are pleased with their semi-annual directs.
-Hawk decides to retire early with all the money he has made from owning all those talking heads out there like Ben Shapiro and Alex Jones.
-PatBack goes on to write his own television series from his own life experiences and ends up winning an Emmy for Most Outstanding Programming.
-Patty being the best graphic artist in the game today, decides to get digitized and finally gets to meet Amy Rose for the first time ever.
-Kat is now a world famous journalist and regularly attends award shows, but despite all the renowned fame and glamor, she still gets weak when around her husband, Charlie Puth.
-Illiniguy now hosts his own Chicago based sports talk show where he has a weekly interview segment with Justin Fields.
-Storm gives Titania her own show on HBO Max while it is still up and running before it becomes a hit on whatever the name of the streaming service will be when it merges with Peacock (I still can’t believe this is happening).
-Someone finally becomes Somebody. Thus making this annual reoccurring joke dead.
-After years of keeping the forums alive, Prez is now the head administrator of the SpongeBob Community. He is rewarded gratefully by Anthony Fantano reviewing Plaid.
-Salmon and Dman team up to run for President of the United States and abolish the two-party system. Thus leading to the resolution of our political landscape.
-Honest Slug becomes the new lead writer of Family Guy after Season 24. He finally puts the show out of its misery and gets applauded by the fan base everywhere.
-BobCarotte becomes a professional tennis player and wins the 2023 French Open dethroning the king of the clay, Rafael Nadal.
-Maroon 5 finally break up.
-Teenj succeeds Kevin Feige as the new head of the MCU. His first action is to reduce the oversaturation and focus on quality instead of quantity and not treating its graphic artists and writers like shit. The MCU goes back to reliving its glory days once more.
-Omair becomes a famous photographer and even after all these years, he still has a soft spot for Nutella and llamas.
-70s names his first child, Prudence.
-CDCB and CNF meet up and start a weekly episodic television series about classic cartoons and animation. They go on to have a huge cult following.
-Mythix buys King Neptune and follows through with his Winx Club Jeopardy idea this time.
-Clappy finally wraps up this overlonged epilogue and goes to have a glass of milk and eats brunch.
-And last, but certainly not least. JCM, no longer in a cameo, moves into the leading man role. He watches over us all and is the hero when SBC needs him to be. Because sometimes the cameo isn’t good enough. Sometimes the cameo deserves more. Because sometimes cameos deserve to have their faith rewarded. He's the hero SBC deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So, we'll cameo him, because he can take it. Because he's not our hero. He’s a silent guardian. A watchful protector. The Snark Knight.