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After several years without a hit film, Paramount Pictures is on the verge of bankruptcy. Desperate to save the studio, their CEO hires unexpected help. Episode 43: What If…JCM Directed a Movie? (JCM walks into the tvguy’s office at Paramount Pictures in Los Angeles, California.) tvguy: So...tell me about this “SpongeBob Community”. JCM: You’ve...been on the site longer than me. tvguy: (laughs) I’m just fucking around! But seriously, we need a new intellectual property that can put butts In seats. Something on the level of Star Wars, Jurassic Park, or Batman. Star Trek, Transformers, and SpongeBob are great, but we can’t churn out hits with them anymore! We need something cool, something fresh. Something like that lit you used to write, JCMovies. JCM: Why not just make a movie adaption of JCMovies, then? tvguy: (gasps) That’s a great idea! JCM: Wait, really? tvguy: My people will be in touch with your people. JCM: But...I don’t have people. tvguy: Get going now! I’m a very busy man! (tvguy starts playing Candy Crush on his phone as JCM leaves his office. The next morning, JCM gets a call from tvguy’s assistant.) Assistant: Great news! Your movie has been greenlit! JCM: My movie? Assistant: The JCMovie! You’ll have a budget of $100 million and will be expected to begin production tomorrow. JCM: Tomorrow? Who’s going to direct it? Assistant: You, silly! JCM: But… Assistant: Good luck! (The assistant hangs up.) JCM: I’ve never directed a movie. (The next day, JCM walks into the Paramount lot, where the sets for The JCMovie are being built.) tvguy: JCM, you’re just in time! Here are your leads… (Margot Robbie, Timothée Chalamet, and Brad Pitt appear.) JCM: Wow! Those are some big...and expensive names. Brad Pitt: I assume you’re JCM? JCM: Yeah. Brad Pitt: I’m going to be playing you! JCM: Can I...speak with you alone for a second, tvguy? (JCM and tvguy go into one of the trailers on the lot.) JCM: What are you doing? Brad Pitt isn’t nearly as good looking at I am! tvguy: Come on! Every movie adaption takes some liberties with the source material! JCM: This is too risky! I don’t know anything about directing! tvguy: Every director I’ve hired before you has had extensive experience, and they’ve all put out nothing but flops! I want something great, something that can get social media buzz! You ever use this app TikTok? It’s fucking nuts! And Paramount movies never show up on it! JCM: (sighs) Okay, who else is going to be in the cast? tvguy: The full list of names should be texted to you right...now! (JCM hears a ding on his phone, and his eyes widen when he turns it on.) JCM: I can’t believe you can afford this! tvguy: Believe it! I can't wait to see what you do with Ryan Reynolds! He's my favorite! JCM: (scrolling through list) Wait, I’m in this, too? tvguy: In a cameo. JCM: I’ll be honest: I don’t know if I can save your studio with this movie, but I’m going to try. (JCM finishes the movie’s script that night and goes through it with the full cast the next day. After several grueling months of filming, JCM watches the first cut of the movie in a small theater with tvguy.) JCM: I’m sorry...I wish I did better. tvguy: No, it’s perfect. Thank you, JCM. You’ve been a big help. (tvguy stands up as the credits roll and pats JCM on the back before leaving the theater. Several more months later, the final cut of the movie is having its world premiere in Los Angeles. The movie begins with an establishing shot of the SpongeBob Community School.) “JCM”: (voiceover) It can be hard saying goodbye to the people and places you love… (A large replica of the Millennium Falcon lands in front of the school, and “jjs”, played by Bob Odenkirk, walks out of it.) “JCM”: (voiceover) But that only makes it feel that much better when you eventually find your way back to them. (“OWM”, played by Leonardo DiCaprio, and “sbl”, played by Adam Scott, come out of the school as “jjs” approaches it.) “OWM”: Thanks for getting here as quickly as you did. “jjs”: Just because I run The Force Academy now doesn’t mean I would miss SBC’s annual accreditation-threatening emergency. (Later in the movie, MCJ, played like “JCM” by Brad Pitt, has everyone in the school outside of his twin brother locked inside the auditorium with him.) MCJ: Now that I’ve escaped from prison, I’m going to take over this school and make Cha my wife! (“Cha”, played by Sabrina Carpenter, rolls her eyes.) “Cha”: Can’t that guy take no for an answer? (After “JCM” rescues everybody, he’s stopped by “Katniss”, played by Zendaya.) “Katniss”: Do you ever think this school will have another Taco Tuesday? “JCM”: After I defeat my brother, you’ll never have to worry about Taco Tuesday being canceled again! “Katniss”: (crying) You better fucking be right about this! (Later in the movie, “Clappy”, played by Ryan Reynolds, is meeting with “terminoob”, played by Patrick Stewart, in the teacher’s lounge.) “Clappy”: Is it true that if JCM dies this time, you’ll have no way of bringing him back? “terminoob”: Yes. JCM must survive this coming battle. (“Aquatic Nuggets”, played by Will Smith, walks into the teacher’s lounge that very moment.) “Aquatic Nuggets”: What is this, some kind of SpongeBob Community? “terminoob”: Yes. Yes we are. (Later in the movie, “jjs” meets with “WhoBob”, played by Timothée Chalamet, behind the school.) “WhoBob”: This relationship isn’t right. You’re the principal of a space school, and I’m just a lowly English teacher. “jjs”: (smiles) I used to be an English teacher, myself. (“Wumbo”, played by Willem Dafoe, appears behind the school with the others.) “Wumbo”: And I used to be something of a scientist, myself. (“jjs” and “WhoBob” stare at “Wumbo”.) “Wumbo”: But...but I’m retired now. (Later in the movie, “JCM” is at a soda bar, sitting next to a man played by the real JCM.) “JCM”: MCJ has gone too far this time. I’ll have to go all out in my fight against him, even if it means fighting to the death. Man: I can’t believe soda bars still exist! This is incredible! Mountain Dew on tap? It’s like I’m in heaven! (Later in the movie, MCJ is about to deliver the final blow to a bruised and bloodied “JCM” in their final battle when “Sauce Mama”, played by Margot Robbie, appears with a gun.) “Sauce Mama”: Get the fuck away from my brother! MCJ: Technically, I’m your brother, too. “Sauce Mama”: Get away from him! MCJ: (laughs) You aren’t going to shoot me. (“Sauce Mama” shoots MCJ in the chest.) MCJ: I stand corrected. (dies) “JCM”: Sauce...you saved me… “Sauce Mama”: I...I’m not so sure about that. “JCM”: (looks down) Yeah, I guess my wounds are pretty bad. (The students and faculty of the SpongeBob Community watch sadly as “JCM” dies in “Sauce Mama”’s arms.) “Katniss”: He sacrificed himself...for Taco Tuesday. “sbl”: He sacrificed himself for the school. (“SpongeSebastian”, played by Tom Cruise with his bald cap from Tropic Thunder, wipes away a tear.) “SpongeSebastian”: He was the best fucking guidance counselor this school ever had. (The movie ends with “Sauce Mama” crying at JCM’s grave.) “JCM”: (voiceover) It can be hard saying goodbye to the people and places you love… (“Sauce Mama” looks up in surprise as somebody puts a hand on her shoulder. When she turns around and sees who it is, which the camera doesn’t reveal, her face immediately brightens up.) “JCM”: (voiceover) But that only makes it feel that much better when you eventually find your way back to them. (As the credits roll, the people in the theater are silent for a moment before erupting into applause. JCM, who is in the audience, watches with astonishment.) JCM: They like it! They really like it! (The JCMovie becomes the first movie ever to gross $3 billion at the box office, and after its theatrical run ends, JCM walks into tvguy’s office for the first time since the film’s premiere.) tvguy: You stupid motherfucker! Your movie was supposed to be the biggest flop ever, but instead, it was enough of a hit to give this studio at least another decade of runway! JCM: Huh? tvguy: This was a scheme to get Paramount’s investors spooked enough to pull the rest of their money and put this studio out of its misery once and for all! I would have gotten an amazing golden parachute to retire with, but instead, I’ll have to keep running this goddamn place just to put food on the table! JCM: I...I’m sorry. I didn’t know. tvguy: But I could have forgiven all of that if you had done just one thing...put me in the fucking movie! Ryan Reynolds was right there! How was it not obvious to you? JCM: He...seemed like he would be a better Clappy. tvguy: And that’s why you’re a shitty director! Get the fuck out of my office! (JCM leaves the office sadly. A year later, after The JCMovie sweeps the Academy Awards, including a win for Best Director by JCM, tvguy begrudgingly hires him back to write and direct the sequel, and stuck culture remains undefeated.)

I did not become as cool as this dad

where's SpongeBob in Tehran?