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Habeas corpus Our absorbent attorney SpongeBob SquarePants, Attorney at Law Episode 2: Dexter's Meth Lab (Dexter crawls into his house, the sounds of sirens behind him and a bloodstain on his white lab coat gradually getting larger.) Dexter: Must...get...to...laboratory. (Dexter enters him room and struggles to his feet, sifting through books in his bookcase until he finds the right one and pulls it, revealing the entrance to his laboratory behind the bookcase. Once he's in his lab, he sees a large red button in the distance.) Dexter: I know what that button does! (Dexter uses the last of his strength to get to the button, but just as he's about to press it, he collapses. Moments later, SWAT agents fall into the lab and surround him as Baby Blue by Badfinger plays. When Dexter finally wakes up, he's in a hospital bed.) Dexter: I'm...alive? (At the law firm of Finster, Finster & Pickles, Chas Finster, Kira Watanabe-Finster, and Stu Pickles are reading about their newest case.) Kira: I'm fucking sick of these boy geniuses! Remember when we had to defend Jimmy Neutron for selling all those weapons to Saudi Arabia? I want nothing to do with this one! Chas: Yeah, it does look like a tough one. Stu: I know! Why don't we assign SpongeBob to it? Kira: Are you crazy? Chas: He did good on the Eds case, but this is a different animal entirely! Stu: C'mon, we need to show that we trust him so he doesn't leave for the first big firm that offers him! Chas: This could destroy our business...or it could help us reach heights we've never dreamed of. Kira: I'll let you boys discuss this. Just keep me as far away from it as possible. (Later that day, SpongeBob enters the local police station.) SpongeBob: I'd like to talk to my newest client, Dexter! Receptionist: Do you have your credentials? SpongeBob: Right here, ma'am! (SpongeBob hands something to the receptionist.) Receptionist: This is a coupon for a free Triple Gooberberry Sunrise at Goofer Goober's...that expired three years ago. SpongeBob: Is that...not what you wanted? Receptionist: I don't get paid enough for this. (The receptionist's phone rings, and she picks it up.) Receptionist: Uh huh. Uh huh. (hangs up) Okay, your client's currently in the interrogation room. It's right around the corner. SpongeBob: Thanks! (SpongeBob leaves, and the receptionist shakes her head.) Receptionist: Wouldn't want him to be my lawyer. (SpongeBob walks into the interrogation room, where Dexter and Detective Arnold are waiting for him.) Arnold: You're the attorney, right? Hey, there. I'm Arnold. SpongeBob: Ooh, like the robot from the movies? (changes voice) Come with me if you want to live! Dexter: That's the worst accent I've ever heard! Arnold: Where's your accent from, by the way? Dexter: What accent? Arnold: Are you from Germany? Russia? SpongeBob: You can answer that. Dexter: I...I'm from here. Right down the street. Arnold: (writes in notebook) Interesting. So, what should I call you? Dexter: Dexter. Arnold: Do you have a last name? SpongeBob: Don't answer that. Arnold: Fine, let's shift gears. Do you recognize this? (Arnold throws a bag of a blue substance onto the table between him and the others.) SpongeBob: Ooh, what is that? It looks tasty! Arnold: That, my friend, is Blue Heaven, the purest meth ever to hit the streets. Not only did we find this in your laboratory, but we found equipment that we can already confirm was used to manufacture this. (Arnold throws pictures taken in Dexter's laboratory on the table.) SpongeBob: Can you prove that this laboratory or any of the stuff in there belonged to my client? Arnold: The DNA results are still pending, but I'm sure we will. Dexter: (crosses arms) I don't know about any of that. Arnold: The meth and the equipment aren't the only things we found in your lab. We also found the bodies of several unidentified men... (Arnold throws pictures of multiple dead bodies on the table.) Arnold: ...and the body of a girl we've already identified as your sister, Dee Dee. Dexter: (starts to cry) I told her to stay out of my fucking laboratory. SpongeBob: (laughs nervously) My client has no idea what he's talking about! He's uh...he's high! On that Blue Heaven you were talking about! So nothing he just said can be put on the record! (Arnold finishes writing in his notebook.) Arnold: All of this is going on the record. That's enough for today. Nice meeting the two of you. (Arnold leaves the room.) SpongeBob: I think that went well! (Later, SpongeBob and Dexter are in the courtroom.) SpongeBob: I wonder who the prosecutor for this case will be! Dexter: Do you always wonder aloud like that? (Jack, a samurai-turned-lawyer, walks in wearing a suit and holding a large briefcase.) Dexter: We're doomed! Jack is the best attorney out there! He's never lost a case! SpongeBob: Well, he's never gone up against me! Dexter: Haven't you only gone up against one other lawyer? SpongeBob: (looks both ways) Maybe. Judge Leghorn: The court, I say, the court is now in session! Jack: Thanks, your honor. Today, we're going to learn about a boy, a boy who seems to be an ordinary boy but is actually a ruthless drug kingpin. Working out of a laboratory in his parents' basement, he's cooked up something that has ruined lives, destabilized families, and led hundreds, if not thousands, to untimely deaths. You'll understand in short order why Dexter can never be a free man again. SpongeBob: Oh, is it my turn? (clears throat) Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, Dexter is innocent of all charges. This other lawyer, while he talks real good, isn't talking much truth. I'm calling him a liar, a big, fat liar. And a meanie, too! Jack: I am not a meanie! SpongeBob: Are too! Judge Leghorn: (bangs gavel) Enough with that there name calling! Let's get this thing started! Jack: I would like to call my first witness to the stand...Dad. (Dad comes onto the stand.) Jack: Now, Dad, what's your son's name? Dad: Timmy Turner. Jack: Goddamn it! We got the wrong Dad! (Five minutes later) Jack: Now, Dad, what's your son's name? Dad: Dexter. Jack: (sighs with relief) So, are you aware of what your son was allegedly doing in your basement? Dad: Yes, I'm aware, and I think your allegations are insane! Don't you think I would know if my kid were running a meth lab right under me? Jack: Dad...are you afraid of Dexter? Dad: (laughs) Why would I be afraid of him? Jack: Do you happen to recall this? (Jack plays the below video on a large screen mounted to the courtroom's wall.) Dad: (sweating) I...uh...I tried to punish Dexter for being out late one night, and he didn't like that very much...but he did eventually feed me! (Dad turns to Dexter with a friendly smile, who then responds with a disapproving shake of his head.) Jack: No further questions, your honor. (Jack calls Mom to the stand next.) Jack: Mom, what's your son's name? Mom: Dexter. Jack: Thank God. Now, Mom, did you have any suspicions at all about your son's alleged secret life? Mom: No, none at all. He's in his room a lot, but I just assumed he was doing what every other boy does. You know, reading comics books, playing video games, certainly not what he's being accused of. Jack: You've never noticed any changes to his behavior? Mom: He's a growing boy. Not too far from puberty. Of course there have been some changes, but nothing that would lead me to believe he would hurt anyone. Jack: Why are you wearing those rubber gloves? Mom: A few years ago, I started smelling something strange in the house, and no matter how much I scrubbed, the smell would never go away. So, I wear these all the time now, just as a precaution. Jack: Is it possible that the smell had come from the production of methamphetamine in your basement? (Mom's eyes widen as she thinks about what Jack said.) Jack: Remember that you swore on a Bible (pulls out a Bible) to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Mom: I guess...anything is possible. (Dexter sighs in despair.) SpongeBob: Your own mom. That's rough. Dexter: Let me testify. SpongeBob: You sure? Dexter: (nods) It seems that nobody can save me but myself at this point. (Jack paces back and forth with Dexter on the stand.) Jack: Why did you choose to testify? Dexter: So that I can clear my name. Jack: Do you really expect one person in this jury to think you're innocent at this point? Dexter: I expect all of them to do, because I am. Jack: Do you think we're a bunch of morons? SpongeBob: Objection! Now he's name calling! Judge Leghorn: Sustained. Don't you be suggesting I'm a moron, now. Jack: Let me rephrase. As somebody who has never struggled in school, who has an IQ on par with some of the smartest people in the world, do you believe that you deserve things people who aren't morons but also aren't geniuses like you don't? Dexter: No. I've never felt my intellect made me better than anyone. All I've ever wanted to be is normal. Jack: Final question: what happened to your sister? Dexter: (pauses) I plead the fifth. Jack: Are you saying that you would like to exercise your Fifth Amendment right not to implicate yourself? Dexter: (looks down) Yes. (Murmurs are heard throughout the jury.) Jack: No further questions. Judge Leghorn: Court will now adjourn for a recess. SpongeBob: Yay! (Dexter walks back to SpongeBob sadly.) SpongeBob: Want to hit the seesaw? Dexter: No, I don't want to hit the seesaw! I'm about to go to prison for the rest of my life! SpongeBob: (bats eyelashes) Please? Dexter: (groans) Fine. (As Dexter and SpongeBob go up and down on the seesaw, Dexter thinks.) Dexter: SpongeBob, do you think you can relay a message to an associate of mine? SpongeBob: Sure! Who is it? Dexter: His name's Aku. I think he would love an opportunity to give Jack his first loss, and I know exactly how we can make it happen. SpongeBob: And how do I find this Aku? Dexter: Well, he's a demon, so you have to summon him. I'll tell you the words to say, but make sure you say them exactly how I do. If you say them wrong, you'll summon the Red Guy instead, and that guy's annoying as shit. SpongeBob: You can count on me! (After the recess ends, SpongeBob and Jack give their closing remarks.) Jack: ...and that is why you must convict our defendant and keep him and his Blue Heaven off our streets. SpongeBob: Friends, jurors, countrymen, lend me your ears. My client is guilty of nothing other than being smart and loving science in a world that hates smart people and rejects science. But despite this, he never lost faith in this world. He never wanted anything other than to make it better, which is why he built a laboratory, not a laboratory to cook meth in, but to cook up the coolest inventions I've ever seen! (SpongeBob pulls out a fidget spinner.) SpongeBob: Like this! Jack says Dexter is a monster, but what kind of monster would create something this incredible? If you send Dexter to prison, we won't be losing any drugs, but we will be losing this brilliant, amazing boy and all of the brilliant, amazing things floating around in his head. The decision lies with you, jury. Make the right one. Judge Leghorn: Begin, I say, begin your deliberations. (The jurors go into another room and spend less than an hour in it before returning. SpongeBob shakes and Jack stands confidently as they prepare to give their verdict.) Juror: The jurors find Dexter...not guilty! SpongeBob: I did it! I won again! My speech worked! Dexter: (whispers) I think Aku threatening all of the jurors' families had a bigger effect. SpongeBob: No, it was definitely my speech! (SpongeBob and Dexter leave the courthouse together as Jack remains inside, speechless.) SpongeBob: So, now that this all over, mind telling me what happened to your sister? Dexter: (sighs) My biggest rival in this business, Mandark, found out where my lab was, and he sent henchmen there to ambush me. Unfortunately, I wasn't the first person to encounter them. Dee Dee was, and by the time I caught up with them...it was too late. SpongeBob: Gee, I'm sorry. Dexter: I killed the henchmen, and I left immediately to do the same to Mandark. (feels patched-up wound) He got me good, but I did him one better, and right as I was about to put the final bullet in him, he revealed that he alerted the authorities to the location of my lab...the fucking rat. SpongeBob: That's how they found you there. Dexter: Yeah. (SpongeBob and Dexter keep walking until they're at the door to Dexter's house.) SpongeBob: You think I did a good job? Dexter: No. SpongeBob: Why? Dexter: I gave you one job: to not fuck up the summon... (Dexter opens his door to reveal the Red Guy inside his house.) Red Guy: What's up, bitches? Dexter: And now I have to look at his bare ass for the rest of the day. SpongeBob: I got it right the second time, though! Dexter: (sighs) Yeah, I guess. If you ever need anything from me, call me, beep me, you know how it goes. (Dexter slams the door in SpongeBob's face.) SpongeBob: Another job well done! (The End)