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Episode 38: What If… Lisa Simpson knew what you can do? Hello, SBCers, this is Lisa Simpson. You’re all wondering why some fictional character with no connections to a SpongeBob fansite should have any business being here, but it has occurred to me just how infamous I am for being a Soapbox Sadie type of character – and it’s gotten to the point that some smartass named Steel Sponge thought it would be really funny to make a meme based on my unsubtle and vague response regarding Apu – a meme that has since evolved into multiple other memes about us. Well, I’ve had enough. You’ve all had your fun. As for Steel Sponge, I can only hope he will come out of this ghostwritten episode of “What If’s…” feeling trolled, memed, GIF’d, and dare I say pwned. As you all know, the “What can you do?” meme came about when my mom and I condescendingly addressed the audience with “the stare” for bringing into light that Apu’s character was culturally insensitive, and such a serious issue like that couldn’t be addressed then...if at all (There, I said it). A lot of the criticisms were levied against the people behind the scenes who believed The Problem with Apu was an assassination against his character before they backpedaled on their stances and decided to remove him from the show anyway, even though they had made me their mouthpiece. -- If you know me, then you should know that I would have had done things differently. I’ve always been the one to speak up on topical issues. I’m an environmentalist, I’m a firm advocate for animal rights. I relinquished my faith for my country by writing and speaking an essay attacking the American government and exposing Bob Arnold’s bribes. I tried to preach the truth about Jebediah Springfield, but I cut my losses. I should be the least likely to ask the public “What can you do?” My mom told me some things will have to be addressed at a later date, and I thought why not let that time be now? If you haven’t heard the news yet, the previous showrunner had passed the torch to someone else, which means I now have the free will to let you all in the truth that I’ve never divulged before. The now-former Simpsons showrunner, Al Jean, had forced me to speak on Apu’s behalf in the way he directed me to. You see, all this time, I knew what you could do, or in other words, what they could’ve done differently. No more being vague. No more speaking for my clients. And no more blank-staring at the fourth wall. So, what can you do? That is the question. They did NOT have to unperson Apu when they initially believed that they shouldn’t be pressured into writing him off. They did NOT have to try to feebly prove their critics wrong only to go take it all back. Sometimes, the best way to address this issue is to not address it at all. It’s not easy to acknowledge political incorrectness while you’re being viewed as someone who’s commits to it, or used to. But if it had to be addressed though…? That’s a different answer. If the main underlying issue was that Apu’s voice was being provided by someone who wasn’t his color, the least they could’ve done was supply him with the voice of someone of the same race. And this wasn’t an issue just for him, but for multiple other citizens of Springfield as well. Even when this proposal was handed to my clients on a silver platter, they didn’t use the opportunity to bring Apu back, and perhaps portray him in a new, better light. Hell, if my former client Al Jean wasn’t holding me back while I was more culturally aware than he was, I would’ve made this proposal when this problem was coming to light and I wouldn’t have left Apu out of the deal to give him a new voice. And I wouldn’t have waited until a massive cultural shift took place, namely the George Floyd protests (And no, we did not predict it. So stop saying that we did. I don’t even know how or why they fabricated that picture of me). These are just some of the things I could’ve done, but was unable to. It keeps me up at night knowing that Apu’s removal was a mistake on my part, because I didn’t do anything to prevent it except stare at the camera. There’s also the one time I said Elon Musk was perhaps the world’s greatest living inventor, another thing about me people refuse to live down. I’m not perfect, and I don’t try to claim that I am. I hope you’re all still reading this and I haven’t lost you. Just know that I’m doing this mainly for my friend Apu, and not because of Steel- Bart: Hey Lise, are you done rambling yet? Lisa: Go away, Bart. I’m trying to tell everyone in the SpongeBob Community to stop making memes about us. Bart: Well, I thought the “What can you do?” meme was funny. Lisa: I don’t, and if you were aware of the fact that the same community has been meme-ing you to death too, you would feel the same way I do. Bart: Nah, that meme of me they’ve been repeating was pretty funny too. Grow a sense of humor for once. Lisa: If that’s how you feel, then go ahead and say the line. Bart: “I didn’t do it”? Lisa: No, the other line. Bart: Oh yeah…that’s right! Moe: Thank you, Bart. I really needed that today. Seymour Skinner: Ohohohoho, delightfully devilish Seymour! Superintendent Chalmers: Seymour, you’re an odd fellow, but I must say – you steam a good ham. Disembodied voice: On September 28th, one will die… Lisa: ...You see what I meme-MEAN? Are we really just a big joke to the community? Bart: People have been quoting Steamed Hams for years. We don’t always know when to quit. In fact, our show has been going for nearly 40 years and we still get comments about how it needs to end. The least you can do is embrace these jokes. Lisa: If at all. (Lisa and the rest of the Simpsons cast then proceed to stare blankly in front of the camera before Steel Sponge appears on-screen.) Steel Sponge: That’s right. The jokes may not die, but there are times where I can’t continue providing them. It’s been a wild ride being a part of the What If’s team, but when life gets in the way, you got to do what you got to do. Though this is my last episode as a full member of the crew, I promise to go out on a very special note. So let’s bring everyone here… (The Simpsons cast, including Apu, the ghosts of Rabbi Krustofsky, Maude Flanders, all previous incarnations of Snowball, and Larry the Barfly are all later joined by Steel, Jjseymour Skinner, Jesse Ventura, SBC’s MrBeast, Guns ‘n’ Roses, the community of San Jose, and former representatives of ViacomountCBSSkydanceKonamiSiliconValleyIKEA...all to partake in a musical finale: “We’ll Meet Again”): So, remember, before you ask anyone “What can you do?.” consider asking yourself that same question first. I’m Steel Sponge, and this has been another episode of SBC What If’s.