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We all know that The Room (2003) is one of the most revered and beloved films in cinematic history. From the dramatic script, to the impeccable acting, and the multiple photographs of spoons, every single aspect of it has been praised to the high heavens. And I completely agree...outside of one issue. This has always been more of a personal thing, but I never really enjoyed how this movie ends (SPOILERS: JOHNNY KILLS HIMSELF). It's a total downer and always puts me out of the hysterical mood I had before. But what if I told you with just one simple change in The Room's universe, this huge problem could ultimately be prevented, along with many others? Allow me to propose this entire idea to you with an image, and suddenly all will be clear... ...okay, maybe I should elaborate a bit more. Episode 33: What If...Gary the Snail Was in The Room? So, let's assume that pretty much everything that happens in the opening stretch of the movie is the same. Denny engages in a harmless pillow fight, Lisa orders a pizza, we get a nice shot of Johnny's ass; these scenes are all untouched. However, let's take a look at the flower shop scene to see our first major change. Clerk: It'll be $18. Johnny: Here you go, keep the change. Hi... Gary: Meow. Johnny: Is the kitty real? Clerk: I'm not sure what it is. Someone came up and told me to give him away to my favorite customer. Would you like him? Johnny: Oh sure, Lisa will love him. *checks name tag* Hi, Gary! Gary: Meow! "Aww, that's sweet! I'm sure Gary will improve the lives of everyone in this San Fran apartment!" If that's what you're saying right now, then you better prepare yourself, because there's still a good bit of drama to be had. Johnny returns to the apartment. Johnny: Hi, babe! Lisa: Hey, who's that there? Johnny: This is our new son Gary. Lisa: Can we keep him? Johnny: Sure, he's ours. Gary: Meow! Lisa: Johnny, he's perfect. I love him. Johnny: Anything for my princess! We hear a knock on the door. Johnny answers. Johnny: Oh hi, Denny! Denny: We need to talk for a bit. They walk outside. We hear muffled speech. Denny: Johnny, what the hell is this? You said you wanted me to be your only adoptive son and now there's this Gary guy? It's supposed to be just me! You're supposed to adopt me! You're my fucking father! Realizing this is going to take a while, Lisa dials a number. Mark: Hello? Lisa: This isn't working out. We need to stop seeing each other. Mark: Oh thank god, I can't keep going behind Johnny's back like this. See ya. After the call ends, Lisa looks at Gary and unbuttons her blouse. Lisa: It's hot in here, huh? Gary: Meow? Upon review, jjs has requested that I do not speak of what happens in the next scene. You know what? I couldn't agree more. I know this looks really bad, but trust me when I say this still leads to a happy ending. The things I do for Johnny... The apartment is now filled with several pictures of Gary. Gary: Meow meow meow, meow meow? Meow meow meow! Lisa: Didn't you enjoy it? Gary: MEOW! He speeds out of the apartment, getting Johnny and Denny's attention. Denny: Oh. Well, that solves my problem. I better get going. Johnny: No Gary, come back! Denny, would you please help me? Denny: I have homework to do. Bye! Johnny: Fuck you, Denny! While running, Johnny runs into Mark. Johnny: Oh hi, Mark! Mark: What's up, Johnny? Johnny: I'm looking for my new son. I asked Denny to help me find him but he was too much of a chicken. Cheep cheep cheep cheeeeeeep! Mark: Wait, you mean like the snail that just went past me? Johnny: Is that what he is? Mark: I think he's gone, Johnny. He was headed straight for the bay. Johnny: He can't be gone! No! We need to go home and see if Lisa knows about this. They both go back to the apartment. Johnny: Lisa, what happened with Gary? Lisa: I don't want him anymore. Johnny: Why Lisa, why? Why would you do this to me? He was our son! Lisa: Women change their minds ALL the time. Mark: He would have been so good for you! Lisa: I don't think so. I don't think any of you are. I'm leaving you, Johnny. Lisa exits the apartment. Johnny: Get out! Get out! GET OUT OF MY LIFE! *sigh* Well, at least I have you, my best friend, Mark. Mark: It's hot in here, huh? Yep, love wins! Unfortunately, I cannot describe this final scene either. But I think we can all agree that this is a much better ending than the one we got. Johnny doesn't die after all! And it's all thanks to our favorite snail, Gary. It's such a shame he died in season 14. Though Gary may be gone, his contributions to television and film (both animated and live-action) will never be forgotten. Rest in peace. Also, in case you were wondering, Johnny and Mark adopt Denny, Johnny finally gets his promotion, Claudette recovers from her breast cancer, Denny doesn't have a near-death experience, half the cast become pro football players, and Lisa never tears Johnny apart. What an improvement, Mark!

Credit to Clappy who wrote this one. Hello. I am The Lurker. I observe all that transpires here on SBC. But I do not, can not, will not…interfere. Join me on the journey to face the unknown and ponder the question… 32. What If...Nostalgia Critic Reviewed SBC? Today’s What If is brought to you by Stamps.com *the guns appear* [Intro: Nostalgia Critic Theme Plays] NC (to camera): Hello, I’m the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don’t have to! And today… we’re not diving into a movie… or a TV show… No, folks. We’re diving into a community. A fandom. A yellow, porous, perpetually memed, pineapple-dwelling fandom. That's right. Today we're talking about The SpongeBob Community. NC (voiceover): So back in the early 2000s, while the world was busy arguing whether or not SpongeBob was secretly an adult show in disguise, a little corner of the internet formed from tv.com — DAMN YOU FORUM FOR MAKING ME DO RESEARCH — like barnacles on a boat hull, slowly but surely building a base: The SpongeBob Community. What started as message boards and fansites — you know, back when making a fansite didn’t require selling your soul to Squarespace — turned into a multiverse of SpongeBob discussion, memes, fan theories, episode rankings, and occasional identity crises. What the fuck does My Little Pony have to do with SpongeBob? NC (to camera): Imagine a place where you can argue for 36 hours about whether “Band Geeks” is better than “Chocolate with Nuts.” Where debates over “Pre-Movie vs. Post-Movie” get so heated, you’d think you were deciding the fate of civil wars. Now how can you be civil if nobody likes either side of a civil war? If you’re reading this 70s or tvguy; you’re both wrong! And every year, someone inevitably asks, “Why isn’t SpongeBob dead yet?” BECAUSE YOU KEEP GIVING HIM TRAFFIC, THAT’S WHY! NC (voiceover): Now, the SpongeBob Community isn’t just one thing. It’s a collective — a multi-platform hydra spreading its tentacles across Reddit, Discord, SBM, and whatever’s left of DeviantArt. And God help you if you stumble into the lost media threads. They’ve built WIKIS. They’ve held ELECTIONS. They’ve ranked EVERY EPISODE Hell, you can ask them ANYTHING. Well I’ve got a question for you forum, WHEN MOVIE…I mean!?!? Malcolm (cutaway skit – with Malcolm dressed as JCM in full costume): “Actually Cha, I prefer Season 7 because of the avant-garde direction in ‘One Coarse Meal.’ You see, the raw existentialism of Plankton's suicidal ideation is really—" NC (to camera): No. Malcolm. Stop. Get some help. Malcolm: Oh is Better Help today’s episode spons- (NC beats up Malcolm as it cuts to an ad break) _________________________________________________ Doug (now dressed as Jjs): Hey look. I can do riffing theater color changing word art too. Rob (dressed as Clappy dressed as one of the Chart Guys): Slow down Jjs. The charts say that these ad breaks are basically free money so we should do these quirky ad breaks in costume as well. Malcolm (dressed as Wumbo dressed as the other Chart Guy): Sweet cherry cheesecake charts. Doug/Jjs: Can’t argue that logic. And speaking of arguing logic, why are you still going to the post office for stamps? When you can just go to stamps.com to order stamps. Gets a 4-week trial, free postage, and a digital scale at https://www.stamps.com/nostalgia. Doug’s cats (dressed as SBC’s own Kat but voiced by Doug): Thanks to Stamps.com for sponsoring our show and keeping food on our plates. Jim Jarosz (dressed as OWM dressed as Jim Jarosz): Fuck yeah, sparkle sparkle! _________________________________________________ NC (voiceover): Here’s what makes The SpongeBob Community fascinating. They love SpongeBob. They hate SpongeBob. They ironically love what they unironically hate and unironically love what they once ironically hated. It’s a fandom in a constant state of memetic whiplash. One minute it’s: “Nickelodeon has RUINED this show, I’m leaving the forums!” Next minute: “Season 11 actually has some underrated gems if you squint through the tears, enough said, true believers ;).”….what the hell is a true believer? Of what? Do Nicktoons have their own religious agenda? Can I join the holy following of Ren & Stimpy? And then: “LET'S WATCH IT IN SPANISH. IT’S FUNNIER IN SPANISH.” NC: Where is Tamara as Sexy Spanish Sandy Cheeks? Malcolm: She quit about a year ago. NC: You know what that means. (Malcolm gets dressed up as Sexy Spanish Sandy Cheeks against his will) Malcolm: Hola y’all! NC (to camera): But hey, I’m not here to dump on them no matter how many fucking times they dump on me. Because I live rent free in everyone’s head! Change the Channel, my ass! And at the end of the day, the SpongeBob Community represents something kind of beautiful. They took a cartoon about a squeaky-voiced sponge flipping burgers — and outside of the occasional discussions about him into an ongoing discussion about music, movies, art, and culture. A satirical look of online fandom behavior. And somehow… They made it FUN. There are more discussions about SpongeBob in this review than the forum has actually had in years. Yes, there’s drama. Yes, there’s obsessions about other things besides SpongeBob. Yes, they write weirdly sexual fanfics— what the fuck is a Bikini Top? (Twelve hours later) NC: Okay, I’m not going there again. Ever. NC (cutaway of him scrubbing his eyes with bleach): “WHY DO TENTACLES BEND LIKE THAT?!” But there’s also community, creativity, and an undying passion that somehow keeps SpongeBob more alive online than on TV. NC (to camera, sincere tone): The SpongeBob Community isn’t just about SpongeBob. It’s about nostalgia (critics). It’s about creativity. It’s about refusing to grow up and still somehow being better at media literacy than half the adults on Twitter/X. So whether you’re a Squidville purist… A Kamp Koral apologist… Or just here for Bubble Bass cosplaying as me…as if I really sound like that! You’re part of something bigger: A weird, lovable, pineapple-scented community that refuses to sink. NC (points dramatically): So keep flipping those Krabby Patties, you beautiful bitches. I’m the Nostalgia Critic… and I remember it so you don’t have to! [END CREDITS with the tagline of SOF crusing her keyboard] Today’s charity shout out is The Simpsons Discord Reacts….That’s Right See you this fall for Season 5!