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Making my big push to earn Squidzilla his first GCA Episode 5: Oh No, Not These Two Again Patchy the Pirate and Potty the Parrot are out probably stalking SpongeBob again on a rowboat in Pacific waters. Patchy’s rowboat malfunctions and is forced to dock at Bikini Atoll. Potty worries about the lingering radiation and possibly getting contaminated, but Patchy is too obsessed with SpongeBob SquarePants to worry about something so insignificant in comparison. Whilst arguing, the pirate and his bird hear some strange sounds further down coastline. They follow it hoping they’ve come across SpongeBob’s fabled asexual reproduction grounds, but mostly Patchy’s excitement is brought to a complete halt as they find two monsters fighting. Patchy immediately recognizes one of the monsters to be Squidzilla, having conveniently been stalking SpongeBob during the monster’s initial rampage. But this new big, scary and pink menace that it’s locked in combat with eludes him despite its eerily close resemblance to Patrick Star. In the heat of battle, Patrickosaurus nonchalantly devours Potty whole. The two monsters then brawl off the surrounding reef, into the ocean. Leaving Patchy by himself to mourn his chief enabler. Patchy reports to the authorities in Bikini Bottom, who are already well aware of who he is and what does in his spare time, so they take his claims with a huge grain of salt. But word of Patchy’s encounter reaches Sandy, who is currently caring for and running tests on a giant egg in her Treedome. Using notes and textbooks left behind by Frenchy, Sandy finds out that the other creature Squidzilla had been fighting was Patrickosaurus. Frenchy had previously read up on Patrickosaurus in a book written by his Polish contemporary, Polish Narrator. She learns for herself that Patrickosaurus and Squidzilla lived around the same time millions of years ago. Squidzilla hated all creatures, especially those of the steamed vegetable, only smarter levels of annoyance, which explains the intense rivalry between Patrickosaurus and Squidzilla. Sandy brings her latest findings forward to the Bikini Bottom Defense Force, who decide to hold a meeting to address her latest concerns. The scientists and military officials in attendance are still not fully on board with Sandy following her mental breakdown during the Krabby Patty Apocalypse. Plankton resurfaces during said meeting to corroborate Sandy’s latest developments. He shows them a tape he salvaged from the rubble of the Chum Bucket, showing Squidzilla attacking Bikini Bottom, specifically the moment of his restaurant’s destruction, just one year before. He then explains that the monster Patchy and Potty saw is ANOTHER Squidzilla, brought to their time against its will. Plankton states that there is no way to kill Squidzilla this time around as Frenchy, the inventor of the weapon used to kill the previous Squidzilla, has disappeared much like Plankton did at the conclusion of the Krabby Patty Apocalypse. Possibly to keep the secrets of the Fried Oyster Destroyer safe from the wrong hands. Plankton discloses that he had left town previously in order to investigate these space-time anomalies that seem to be related to his and SpongeBob’s meddling with the timeline during the events of Burger Beard’s theft of the Krabby Patty secret formula. With more recent events bringing his work back closer to home. Sandy suggests that the navy should use smooth jazz on Squidzilla to draw the monster away from the city. Sandy theorizes that Squidzilla becomes angry when he hears music that’s better than his own, if the behavior exhibited by his closest living descendent, Squidward Tentacles, is anything to go off of. The navy gives the go-ahead for this countermeasure before retired navy officer, Mr. Krabs, steps forward to have Plankton arrested for his role in sparking all this chaos in the first place, despite SpongeBob’s protests.

Picture, if you will, the Bikini Bottom as we know it. A metropolis just beneath the ocean's surface, teeming with undersea life. But what if I told you there is a timeline where one of its residents may as well have never existed? A world where a certain rodent was brutally killed in a car accident before she could ever arrive (or maybe she was hit in the face with acid, I don't know)? If you want to take a peek into this twisted dimension, look no further than...The Shitpost Zon- erm, I mean, What If...? Episode 2: What If…Sandy Cheeks Died as a Child? Without the invention of Sandy Cheeks' water helmets, it's very unlikely that SpongeBob, Patrick, and every other undersea creature would ever be able to survive in oxygen-filled environments at all. They would forever be confined to the ocean, never feeling the desire to explore what is beyond their underwater sky. Additionally, the Bikini Bottom residents would never have a land creature as a punching bag to make fun of, therefore making them slightly more racist among themselves. And by "slightly", I mean "a lot". During a rehearsal for the Bubble Bowl, instead of a small fight breaking out between Harold and Mr. Krabs, it turns into an all out riot. The damages to the town are immense, and every crab in Bikini Bottom is unjustly forced to move above water, thereby causing the closure of the Krusty Krab. Years pass by, and the entire population now has to deal with the consequences of their actions and eat at the Chum Bucket, while SpongeBob lacks any purpose in life and becomes a soulless husk of his former self. In an attempt to rejuvenate the economy, the rest of Bikini Bottom ventures to the surface to make amends with the crabs, but unfortunately they only last for minutes on land before they pass out from heat exhaustion, never reaching their former crustacean associates at all. Ultimately, SpongeBob is left alone. He never sees anyone else for the rest of his life, but he doesn't notice nor does he care. He is lifeless. This is sonicjordan's SpongeBob SquarePants. A city in ruins with its only sign of life not even having life to begin with. Why does he want Sandy dead so bad? Would anyone watch this show? I mean I would, but that isn't relevant. The existence of Sandy is vital to the rest of the show, and his failure to realize this has resulted in the darkest possible outcome for Bikini Bottom. So, to answer the question on everyone's mind: Is sonicjordan stupid? No. He is Texas.