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JCM Meets the Second Coming of Team Rage (Part 2) (JCM is in shinya’s Korean restaurant, where Elsa is holding a gun to Sauce Mama’s head, and MCJ is holding a gun to shinya’s head.) JCM: MCJ? How did you get out of prison? MCJ: I got off early for good behavior. Just kidding! I shanked like 40 blokes! It was not good behavior. Elsa: Me and my apprentice helped him get out of that prison. JCM: Your apprentice? Is that the one who took my eye? (HawkbitZeta comes out of the kitchen holding JCM’s eye.) HawkbitZeta: Ding, ding, ding! Tell the audience what he’s won! (JCM lunges at HawkbitZeta, causing him to flinch.) Elsa: Stop! Take another step, and both of your friends die. (JCM stops.) MCJ: I wish I could feel bad for you, brother, but because of you, I lost my fucking arm! JCM: I’m sorry, okay? But those two have nothing to do with it. Elsa: So cooperate with us and we won’t have to hurt them. Sauce: Don’t listen to them, JCM! Shinya: I can’t believe I trusted you, Elsa! Elsa: I can’t believe you trusted me, either. JCM: What is it you want? Elsa: I spent many years studying those powers of yours, which led to me correctly guessing that removing your right eye would cut you off from them. Your powers would be even more valuable on our side, however, so if you agree to join us, we’ll give you back your eye and return your powers to you. JCM: Agree to join what? Elsa: Our awesome new group: Team Rage...2! Shinya: (rolls eyes) How original. (MCJ turns his gun sideways.) MCJ: You wanna get capped, bitch? JCM: What will happen to my friends if I join you? Elsa: We’ll have to hold them hostage so we have leverage over you, but as long as you do what we say, we’ll keep your friends safe. Sauce: She’s lying! Don’t fall for it! (Elsa hits Sauce on the back of the head with her gun, knocking her out.) JCM: No! Shinya: Fuck! Elsa: I’m tired of fucking around! You have ten seconds to decide what you’ll do, JCM! If you don’t join us after that, we’ll kill your friends right here and you with them! Ten seconds! 10…9…8… (As Elsa continues counting down, JCM clenches his fists. He rips off his eyepatch, closes his eyes, then opens them again, revealing a new eye in the place of the missing one.) Elsa: 3…2… (notices JCM’s new eye) Wha- (Elsa’s and MCJ’s guns fly out of their hands, and they run towards the front door as JCM shoots blasts of energy at them. HawkbitZeta runs after them, but JCM blocks his way to the exit as Elsa and MCJ successfully escape.) JCM: I was your guidance counselor! I thought I fixed you! HawkbitZeta: You didn’t fix shit! (Elsa shoots ice at JCM from behind, but he melts it in midair without turning around.) Elsa: Let him out, JCM! JCM: No, Elsa! You attacked the school, put my friends in danger, and had your lackey steal my frickin’ eye! (JCM points an open palm at HawkbitZeta, who closes his eyes as JCM’s palm lights up.) JCM: Now...I’ll steal something from you. (Shinya leaps in front of HawkbitZeta.) Shinya: Don’t do this, JCM. He’s just a kid. JCM: Get out of the way, shin! Shinya: No! This isn’t how we’re going to beat them! JCM: You don’t think I’ll do it? You don’t think I’ll blow through both of you? Shinya: JCM...listen to yourself. (Sauce Mama regains consciousness and gasps when she sees what’s going on.) Sauce: JCM! (Sauce runs to JCM, who is now crying, and gently pushes down his arm.) JCM: They were going to kill you...they were going to kill both of you...and I was helpless. Sauce: Well, you aren’t helpless now. Shinya: Get the fuck out of here, kid. (HawkbitZeta stumbles out of the restaurant and follows Elsa and MCJ into Elsa’s candy van.) Elsa: I didn’t realize just how anime JCM’s anime superpowers were. This will be harder than I thought. (The van drives off as JCM, Shinya, and Sauce Mama watch it.) JCM: Why did they paint “candy” on that van? Sauce: And shouldn’t we, like, call the cops or something? Shinya: It’s been a long day. We should all head home. JCM: What are you talking about? It’s 11 in the morning. Sauce: I’m going to assume that's a “no” to calling the cops? Shinya: I’m selling much harder drugs than weed out of this restaurant, Sauce! No, no cops! JCM: So, what do we do from here? Shinya: We get ready. All three of us. I don’t think we’ve seen the last of Team Rage 2, which is still a fucking horrible name. JCM: (nods) I’m going back to the school to actually do my job for the first time in days! If anything happens, call me on my flip phone! Sauce: Flip phone? You still haven’t upgraded? JCM: Never, Sauce. Never. (JCM walks away, and as Sauce and Shinya are about to go inside again, a man stops them.) Man: Hey, are you guys open? Shinya: Do you see the “Closed” sign in the window? What the fuck do you think? Man: Alright, alright! (walks away) Asshole. (The End)

JCM Meets the Second Coming of Team Rage (Part 1) (JCM walks into Wumbology’s science class wearing an eyepatch.) Wumbology: JCM! I’m loving the pirate getup. JCM: Wumbo? You’re the science teacher again? Wumbology: Well, yeah. After SG got outed as Selena Gomez and the one they hired after her died in our war against the ice zombies… JCM: RIP. Wumbology: RIP. You know, I never got his name… JCM: Doesn’t matter now. Anyway, I want to know if it’s possible to use science to grow an eye back…and maybe get me back some lost anime superpowers. Wumbology: I don’t think it’s science that you’re looking for, JCM: it’s magic. JCM: Is there anybody around here who knows magic? Wumbology: Technically, I shouldn’t believe in magic, but there is an old lady in the woods who is said to be capable of…strange things. JCM: Strange things? Wumbology: Indeed. But you didn’t hear it from me. Now shoo! I have a class to teach! (That night, JCM walks into the woods, braving cold air and strange animal noises everywhere. Suddenly, his foot gets pulled by a rope, and he finds himself hanging upside down from a tree branch. An old woman jumps out of a nearby bush.) Woman: Aha! A fresh kill! JCM: Wait! I’m not an animal! Woman: Aww. (The woman cuts JCM down.) Woman: Wait a minute. I know you. (The wrinkles disappear from the woman’s face and the bags vanish from her eyes to reveal who she really is.) JCM: (gasps) Fa? Fa: It’s been a long time, JCM. JCM: Where have you been these last ten years? Fa: Bought a spellbook on Amazon, left civilization to embrace life as a witch, you know, the usual. JCM: I’m happy you’re not dead! Fa: Thanks! I’m happy I’m not dead, too! (JCM and Fa walk into Fa’s cabin.) Fa: So, what are you craving? Squirrel? Deer? Berries? Bark? JCM: I’m good. Fa: What happened to your eye? JCM: A bird stole it from me! Fa: Damn. Sorry to hear that. JCM: Do you think you could use magic from that spellbook of yours to grow it back? Fa: Magic isn’t just a toy that you can play with whenever you suffer a devastating mutilation, JCM. JCM: It’s not? Fa: No. It can be very dangerous. I could grow you a new eye, but that eye could turn the rest of you evil! You’re better off just living with one eye for the rest of your life. JCM: No! I didn’t come all the way down here just to get turned away! You will make me a new eye! (Fa grows to twice her height, and fire appears around her.) Fa: (echoing) Or what? (JCM sweats then raises an open palm before closing and opening his eye.) JCM: Darn it! I forgot! My chiwa doesn’t work anymore. Fa: Wait, your chiwa doesn’t work anymore? (Fa returns to her normal height.) Fa: Your chiwa is our last line of defense against supernatural threats! Without it, we’re royally fucked! JCM: So, you’ll help me? Fa: Yes, JCM. I’ll help you. (Fa pours various potions into a bowl before stirring them together.) JCM: Oh, do I drink from that? Fa: Something like that. (Fa slams JCM’s face into the bowl, and he screams.) JCM: It burns! Fa: That means it’s working! (Fa picks up JCM’s face, which is now red and scarred.) Fa: You’re probably gonna need a cream for that. JCM: Do you have that cream? Fa: (laughs) I’m a witch, not a pharmacist! (Fa stares into the bowl and scratches her chin.) Fa: This locator spell says your eye is at Shinya’s restaurant. JCM: What? How? Fa: Not sure, but you’re probably going to want to head over there to get your eye. Somehow, that eye is connected to your powers, so making you a new one would do you no good. JCM: (nods) Thanks, Fa. (Before JCM leaves the cabin, he turns around.) JCM: How do I look? Fa: You look like shit. JCM: That will have to do! (JCM runs to shinya’s Korean restaurant, and when he gets there, he finds Elsa holding a gun to Sauce Mama’s head and his twin brother, MCJ, holding a gun to shinya’s head.) JCM: W-what’s going on? Sauce: (crying) Get the fuck out, JCM! It’s a trap! MCJ: Miss me, bro? (To Be Continued)

JCM Plays the Game of Thrones (JCM walks into the school on a Friday. He sees the words “Winter Is Coming” written across the lockers.) JCM: That’s weird. Spring just started! (Jjs approaches JCM.) Jjs: JCM, I wanted to give the good news to you first: you’re a finalist for the Featured Employee award! JCM: Ooh, do I get a bonus for winning it? Jjs: (laughs) No, of course not. But you do get to wear this all next week if you win it. (Jjs holds up a fake Burger King crown.) JCM: Oh, my gosh! That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen! Can I touch it? Jjs: Fuck no! Just keep up the good work, and you might see it again. (Jjs goes into his office.) JCM: I have to win that crown! (JCM stands outside the teacher’s lounge and hands out flyers as people walk in.) JCM: Hi! (passes flyer) Vote me for Featured Employee! (passes flyer) Vote me for Featured Employee! (JCM gives the last flyer to Fred, who studies it.) Fred: You do realize I’m a finalist for Featured Employee, too, right? JCM: That’s great! Just know that no matter who ends up winning the crown, we’re all winners in the end! But not really. Because only one will get the crown. (Fred nods before going into the teacher’s lounge and climbing onto the table.) Fred: Hey! After school is over, drinks are on me! (The teachers in the room cheer.) JCM: Oh, yeah? Well, drinks are doubly on me! Free drinks for a week if you vote for me! (The teachers in the room cheer louder. Fred climbs off the desk and gets so close to JCM that their faces are only inches apart.) Fred: When you play the game of thrones, JCM, you either win…or you die. JCM: Wow! That’s pretty dark! Fred: Yeah, I may have gone too far, but that crown is mine! (JCM notices OMJ cleaning the graffiti off the lockers.) JCM: Hey, OMJ, can I help you with that? OMJ: Sure! Fred: I’ll help, too! (JCM and Fred fight over the mop, and OMJ backs away from them.) OMJ: This is getting weird! (Later that day, Katniss is preparing lunch in the cafeteria when JCM runs up to her.) JCM: Hey, Kat, can I help you make the food? I have restaurant experience! I’m good for it! Katniss: Fuck off! Don’t you have your own job to do? JCM: It’s no trouble! I swear! Katniss: Even if I wanted your help, Fred’s already helping me! (Fred, who was crouching to pick up food he dropped, stands up again, revealing himself to JCM as he throws the food away.) Fred: Hey, JCM! What are you hungry for today? JCM: I…I can’t believe you would do this to me! Fred: What do you mean? I haven’t even poisoned you yet! (Katniss glares at Fred.) Fred: Just kidding! (Suddenly, a man stumbles into the cafeteria with an ice pick through his chest.) Student: Gross, man! People are trying to eat! Man: An army of the dead…it’s coming…for the school. (The man collapses.) JCM: Don’t worry! I’ll get the nurse! She’ll definitely vote for me if I help her save a dying man! (As JCM starts to run out of the cafeteria, the man grabs his leg and starts to bite at it.) JCM: Hey! Let go of me! Student: Oh, my God! It’s a dead man with a biting fetish! (All of the students storm out of the cafeteria, separating the man from JCM as they trample him.) JCM: Wait! No! If he gets deader, I won’t be able to save him. (Jjs runs up to JCM.) Jjs: Don’t you see? That’s a zombie! We have to get school security! JCM: Yay! More people who can vote for me! (Jjs and JCM run out of the school to find all of their security guards lying on the ground in front of them with ice picks in their chests.) Jjs: No! Who will we have to apply unnecessary force to rowdy students now? JCM: (points) Look, jjs! (Hundreds of zombies, led by Elsa, march towards the school.) JCM: I’ll use my anime superpowers to take care of this in a jiff! (JCM closes and opens his eyes, and then he flies towards Elsa and the zombies. Suddenly, he’s attacked by a hawk.) JCM: Ouch! Stop! (The hawk plucks out one of JCM’s eyes, and he falls to the ground.) JCM: No! That was my favorite eye! (OMJ runs out of the school next.) OMJ: I’ll take care of this! I’m a goddamn her- (An ice pick flies into OMJ’s chest.) OMJ: Nevermind. (OMJ dies, and jjs runs back into the school.) Jjs: Fuck! (Fred and Katniss come out of the cafeteria.) Jjs: It’s over. We’re all going to get eaten by zombies. Katniss: No. (Katniss kicks one of the lockers, and it opens to reveal a bow and arrow inside.) Katniss: We’re going to fight! (JCM crawls into the school with blood dripping out of his empty eye socket.) JCM: No wonder Plankton is so grumpy all the time! This stinks! Fred: Have you given up? JCM: Never! Not until I beat you! I may have lost an eye, but I am not going to lose that crown! (As Elsa and the zombies get closer, JCM, Fred, Jjs, and Katniss recruit as many students and faculty as they can to help them fight off the zombies. The war lasts hours, and hundreds on both sides perish, but Elsa eventually decides that the losses are too much and orders her army to turn back. The survivors on the side of the living bury their dead before going back into the school.) JCM: Man, that was crazy! So, who won Featured Employee? Jjs: JCM, how can you think about Featured Employee at a time like this? JCM: I mean, we won, didn’t we? Jjs: (sighs) Yeah, I guess we did. (Jjs addresses the students.) Jjs: Call your parents. Call your Ubers, do what you need to do to get home. (pauses) We fucking won this shit! (Everybody cheers.) Fred: JCM? JCM: Yeah? Fred: Whether I won or lost, I just want to say…good game. JCM: (nods) Good game. (The faculty go into the teacher’s longue, and Jjs opens the results of the Featured Employee voting on his phone.) Jjs: Today, we learned a lot about what we’re capable of as a staff and as a school. As powerful as we are, though, nothing in the world more powerful than a good story. Nothing can stop it. No enemy can defeat it, and who has better stories than our school librarian, SOF? That’s why I voted for him, and that’s why I imagine so many others in this room did, too. SOF, come on up! You’re this week’s Featured Employee! JCM: What? Fred: What? JCM: I didn’t even know we had a library! Fred: I didn’t, either, and I’m the English teacher! Now that I think about it, that may be why I lost. OMJ: That and you two not doing your jobs all day. Fred: Hey, weren’t you just killed? OMJ: Yeah, but I’m fine now. Totally unrelated, but can I bite your arm? Fred: Not gonna happen. OMJ: Worth a shot. (The End)