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JCM Annoys Anonymous Alcohols (aka Alliteration is (Still) Awesome!) (JCM walks into Fred’s English class.) Fred: JCM, why the fuck aren’t you wearing green? JCM: Was I supposed to? Fred: Yes, you were supposed to! Look at everyone here! Where’s your holiday spirit? JCM: Christmas was over two months ago, wasn’t it? Fred: It’s better than Christmas! It’s St. Patrick’s Day, the only day we can drink all day and not be criticized for it! (Fred drinks half a bottle of vodka before continuing his English lesson.) Fred: Today we’re going to talk about the past parti…partiplical. Nah, fuck that. Class dismissed. Students: Yay! (All of the students immediately take bottles of liquor out of their backpacks and drink from them.) JCM: Fred, aren’t you going to do something? All of those students are underaged! Fred: (laughs) Didn’t you hear? Class is over! They aren’t my responsi-bluh-blility anymore! (After school is over, JCM walks down the streets of Circuit City, where there are drunk people and wrecked cars everywhere.) JCM: There must be somewhere I can go where everyone isn’t drinking themselves to death! (JCM notices a sign pinned to a pole with the words “Want to Go Somewhere Where Everyone Isn’t Drinking Themselves to Death? Stop by Lucky’s on 8th Street!” JCM then goes to Lucky’s on 8th Street.) JCM: Hello? (JCM finds a leprechaun in the room with a group of older adults.) Leprechaun: Hey there! I’m Lucky! What’s your name? JCM: JCM. Group: Hi, JCM. Lucky: So, how long have you had problems with alcohol? JCM: My whole life! I’ve never understood why everyone around me drank so much, especially on St. Patrick’s Day! Lucky: (chuckles) Yes, it is hard to resist the pressure to do what everyone else does. JCM: Not for me! I’ve never had a drop of alcohol in my life! (The people in the group mutter among themselves.) Lucky: JCM, you do realize this is an AA meeting, right? JCM: What’s AA? Lucky: Alcoholics Anonymous. Meaning it’s for recovering alcoholics, like me and everybody else here. JCM: Can’t I stay here anyway? Lucky: Not to be a gatekeeper, but you need to get the fuck out of here. You aren’t like us. (The people in the group mutter in agreement.) Lucky: You aren’t even wearing green. What kind of asshole doesn’t wear green on St. Patrick’s Day? JCM: You…you’re the a-hole! You’re pressuring me to do things I don’t want to do! Lucky: Until you know what it’s like…to have your wife hate you, have your children hate you, have your entire country hate you, you wouldn’t understand. (Suddenly, everything is in black and white.) JCM: What happened to the color? (JCM is by himself now, and he notices a younger Lucky walking into a bar.) Lucky: (voiceover) When I was a wee lad, I went to pubs all over the world spreading St. Patrick’s Day spirit. JCM: Where’s that voice coming from? This is scary! I want to go back! Lucky: (voiceover) Shut the fuck up. Anyway, Americans soon tired of my antics. (The young Lucky gets thrown out of the bar and stumbles down the sidewalk, clearly drunk.) Lucky: (voiceover) They locked me up… (JCM is now in a 1930s prison cell with a young Lucky.) Lucky: (voiceover) They discriminated against Irish people everywhere… (JCM is in front of an old shop with a sign on the door saying “Irish Need Not Apply”.) Lucky: (voiceover) And I became the most hated Irishman in the world because of it. Now, there are only disgusting caricatures of me… (JCM is in a Lucky Charms commercial.) Cartoon Lucky: Stay away from me Lucky Charms! (Kids immediately beat the cartoon Lucky up and steal his pot of cereal.) Lucky: (voice) And I’m banned from ever entering Ireland again. I’m even banned from Northern Ireland, which is some real bullshit. (JCM is back in the AA meeting, and he looks around, still not certain that everything is real.) Lucky: Do you understand now? Do you understand why I can’t let somebody who hasn’t had the sweet, sweet taste of alcohol completely fuck up their life be in here with us? JCM: No. Lucky: Fuck it. Sorry, guys. You all are on your own. I’ve been sober for 80 years, but starting now, I’m done. It’s St. Patrick’s Day, and my green ass is getting plastered! JCM: Is your…butt actually green? (Lucky pats JCM on the shoulder.) Lucky: I’ll let you think about that one. (Lucky leaves the building named after him, and the people in the group look at each other with confusion.) JCM: I may not be like you all, but I know what it’s like to let an addiction ruin your life. (JCM thinks for a moment.) JCM: His butt isn’t actually green! It’s a figure of speech! (The people in the group look at each other with confusion again.) JCM: Also, for so long, I was addicted to the thought of being a teacher at the SpongeBob Community School. For one moment, for one brief, beautiful moment, I had it, but then, I lost it…now, I’m starting to think that maybe that’s not what I want after all. (The next morning, JCM walks into the principal’s office at the school, where Jjs is sitting at his desk in sunglasses.) JCM: Jjs, I know what I want to teach now! Jjs: Why the fuck are you being so loud? Take it down like 20, 30 decibels! JCM: (whispering) Sorry. Anyway, I know what I want to teach: nothing! Jjs: Huh? JCM: I want to be the new guidance counselor. What I want to be…is somebody who helps other people know what they want to be. Jjs: Okay. JCM: Okay? So, you’ll let me do it? Jjs: Sure, if it means you’ll leave me alone. In case you can’t tell, I’m a bit hungover. (JCM sprints out of the principal’s office and dances down the hallway as the students and teachers around him groan and walk sluggishly. Fred shakes his head before going into his English class.) Fred: Fucking show-off. (The End)

I spent HOURS stomping... KOOPAS... at my local laundromat.