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  1. Coming soon to a forum near you 4Kids (Probably): Hey, if we can dub One Piece, we can do this too. Probably.
    3 points
  2. SEASON IV: A NEW... ONE TIMERS? STAR ONE-TIMERS? ONE-TIMER WARS? THE FOURTH SEASON War is upon us. The galaxy is collapsing. Disney is something something. Something something dark side. And the one-timers are back. EPISODE XXXI: TUSKEN RAIDERS We begin our fourth season with the stories of the Sand People. The galaxy sees them as nothing but mindless brutes, but maybe they’re just misunderstood? These stories suggest something different. OK, maybe they don't suggest anything new. But you should still watch out for them. Next episode coming tomorrow.
    3 points
  3. EPISODE XXXII: JAWAS Today we'll be covering a different group of sand people. Jawas are seen as greedy scavengers and conniving thieves, though offering a good deal once in a while. Like the Tuskens, is there another side to them? Let's see if today fares any better. Probably didn't do much to change your view on them either, oh well. Tomorrow we'll take a look at more of the galaxy's most obscure droids.
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  4. 12 years later, and I'm still here
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  5. I know, I miss you dude I got a new job recently so I’m just vibing tbh?
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  6. EPISODE XXX: THE DEAD SPEAK! But what of those dead one-timers that were taken from us too soon and never got to tell their complete stories? Just in time for Halloween, let’s find out what their spirits have been up to in the afterlife. Boolio Boolio’s gruesome decapitation at the hands of Kylo Ren was not the way he wanted to go out. All he wanted to do was aid the Resistance in winning the war as he wanted to see a better galaxy for everyone. When he ascended to the Netherworld of the Force, his head and body were not intact, which led him to mockery by the other spirits. Several other past characters who had been decapitated such as Jango Fett and Count Dooku sympathized with his struggle, inviting Boolio to the club. Boolio would still chant “Win the war” even as a spirit despite nobody knowing what he was referring to, but they drank to that. Holdo Holdo had performed a noble sacrifice so the Resistance could survive, although in hindsight she admits she could have done a better job with forming a plan that wouldn’t end with them losing a lot of soldiers, herself included. That said, she had hoped her unorthodox plan would’ve made Poe a better soldier, as she knew he had what it takes to be a leader deep down. Unfortunately, her hopes were dashed to see him lightspeed skipping around like a spice addicted lunatic at the start of Rise of Skywalker, shaking her head from beyond. Then she heard Poe say “Somehow...Palpatine returned” with a straight face, empathizing with his disbelief, seriously, what the hell? Holdo just kind of watched as Rise of Skywalker’s events unfolded in bewilderment, riffing them to pass the time in the void. She wishes she had lived now because the Resistance sure could’ve used her expertise. Coleman Trebor Coleman Trebor was disappointed. Losing to a guy who was about to be beheaded in about ten minutes isn’t a good look for any seasoned Jedi Master. But alas, he had passed on into another way of existence, and could now advise his fellow living Jedi with his ghostly ghost omnipotence. Despite his best efforts, none of the big guys wanted to listen to his insistence that Chancellor Palpatine was actually a Sith Lord planning to crush the Republic from the inside. I mean, c’mon, would you want to listen to a guy who died so embarrassingly? Legend says his spirit still lingered in the physical plane at the time of the New Republic, trying and failing to warn Luke Skywalker about how dangerous that Ben Solo kid was going to be. Cin Drallig Drallig, the best swordsman (saberman?) in the Jedi Order, spent little time studying the Force’s spiritual aspects, and thus could never linger in the physical world as a ghost. But he was able to pass on his life’s work in a secret holocron hidden in Coruscant’s seedy underbelly, a move that helped it survive the era of the Empire. The relic found its way to a skeevy trader on Cantonica, who kept it until its theft by one Temiri Blagg. With a broom in his hand and the Force at his disposal, young Temiri was set to become the best Jedi duelist in the galaxy. Wooof Wooof held a deep grudge against Luke Skywalker for his untimely death. He was just about to get a promotion in the Hutt Cartel ranks, when that stupid kid ruined everything. It became common to call him simply “oof” in the Netherworld of the Force for the laughable way he got jobbed. Why, Wooof became known by that nickname so much it drove him mad, to the point where he may have forgotten his own name. He redirected all that anger towards Luke Skywalker, wanting to destroy him in the afterlife for the ultimate revenge scheme greater than any other villain in the galaxy’s history. He planned this revenge scheme for a total of 30 years, waiting for the day Luke would croak. That day would finally occur in 34 ABY when Luke died in peace, ascending to the great beyond. Wooof hunted through the Netherworld for a while when he heard that Luke was finally dead, and eventually came face to face with the legendary Jedi, his spirit peacefully meditating. Wooof announced that today was finally his day of reckoning, to which Luke replied, “I don’t even know who you are.” This infuriated Wooof more than ever before, who struck out at Luke in anger. Luke then struck Wooof down with his lightsaber like it was nothing, destroying his spirit. After that, Luke still can’t even remember who he was, shrugs, and goes back to meditating. Oof. That's a wrap on another season. Thank you for continuing to hear our ramblings. We've got even more stories to come, see you in due time for Season 4!
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  7. EPISODE XXIX: THE OUTLANDER CLUB Our sources for this episode came from one Tera Sinube, who is completely delirious and lives under the impression that the Great Jedi Purge is still happening. But at least his knowledge of Coruscant's seedy underbelly is still sharp. Kalyn Farnmir Kalyn’s day took a turn for the interesting after seeing someone get their arm chopped off with a glowstick by a guy in pajamas. I mean, weird stuff happened around here, but nothing like that. She was only spending her downtime from her job as a bounty hunter, searching for those wishing to hide where they thought no one could look. But she'd definitely know if this next target was a changeling. I guess I'll have to keep looking, she thought, as she kept searching for her target, Elan Sleazebaggano. Ayy Vida After escaping the captivity of her former owner Hat Lo, Ayy Vida championed for sex worker rights across the galaxy, at one point staging a protest against the Empire’s treatment of her Twilek sisters. Many years later, during the New Republic when it looked like there was room for her to make a difference, she lobbied for them to crack down on trafficking. She also helped create the “content sharing” website known as OnlyTwileks, a safe haven for sex workers. It soon became one of the galaxy’s most famous websites, but also strife with controversy and at one point several investors threatened to pull their funding from it. This news caught the eye of young entrepeneur Zeff Lezos around 10 ABY. He offered Vida he’d invest in her website to help keep it afloat, and not having another choice, she accepted. OnlyTwileks started to lose its base after several controversial policy changes thanks to Zeff, twisting the site’s purpose. Vida was ashamed of herself for selling out the people she fought so hard for. Failed, she had, and went into exile. However, she still had the support of her Twilek sisters and other content creators, which warmed her heart. Achk Med-Beq Several rumors spread around the Outlander Club that Achk was secretly a Sith Lord or some other dark side user. How these rumors started, nobody knows for sure, but some suspect it was a joke that spiraled a tad out of control. Achk himself wasn’t aware of these rumors until his associate Faytonni informed him and was worried someone would take it seriously, but Achk paid them no mind and continued minding his own business at the club. That was until one eerie night, Achk went outside the club for a bit when he was jumped by an assassin: Fong Do, who believed the rumors. Achk tried to insist the rumors were simply an inside joke, but Do genuinely thought they were about to kill a Sith Lord. While nobody else was looking, Achk decided now was time to strike: he force choked the life out of Fong Do, and tossed their body into a dumpster. Achk smiled to himself, showing his yellow eyes in the darkness. Following that night, Achk stopped frequenting the Outlander Club, not wanting to risk getting caught, and nobody really knows where he is now, not even Faytonni. But little did they know, Achk went into the shadows deep in the Unknown Regions, biding his time to reveal himself to the galaxy… Dannl Faytonni Dannl, as one half of a con artist operation, was greatly disturbed to hear the news of his partner Achk’s disappearance. Could the power of the dark side have been the secret of their success? He was never quite sure until a fateful trip to Coruscant’s Galaxies Opera House, disguised as a high-ranking Republic bureaucrat he’d kidnapped and neutralized. Chancellor Palpatine’s mutterings about all-powerful Sith Lords and eternal life distracted him from the sea monkey ballet being performed before him, and more onto the sinister nature of the galaxy’s most powerful man. Could there really be latent dark side influence in the Republic too? But just as quickly as he noticed, the Chancellor had struck. Coruscant, along with thousands of other planets with the system, fell to tyranny. While Faytonni never regained his partnership or his past life as a con artist, he did start a new job as an Imperial assembly worker, putting together crappy little protocol droids that he hoped would ruin parties or burst into flames or make lives worse for the new guys in charge. Fight the power! Bufon Taire As the club’s chief bartender, Bufon had heard a long list of crazy stories and customers from his time serving, ranging from: divorces, heist plans, criminal underworld chatter, deeply dark drunken confessions, and rumors about a Sith Lord at the club. He respected the patrons’ privacy and never told what he overheard to anyone else. When Republic and later Imperial agents would approach him for intel on criminals, Bufon would never budge. He was a true friend ‘til the end. One day, the owners of the Outlander Club angered the Imperials because they were not playing their propaganda, a requirement for all establishments. The owners had a “civil discourse” with them, which resulted in management changes and a tightened Imperial presence. One of these changes resulted in Bufon being laid off, much to the dismay of many customers. Bufon told them to not shed any tears, as he packed his things and headed off into the Coruscant sunset, never to be seen again. Due to his firing and increased Imperial presence at the club, the customers eventually stopped coming and the club closed. Some still hold out hope Bufon is out there somewhere, and when he returns, the Outlander Club will be reborn. Our finale will delve into the stories of those who never had the chance to share one in the first place.
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  8. EPISODE XXVIII: WOOKIEES Wookiees are a misunderstood folk. Sure, there are extensive accounts of them killing and mutilating many of the galaxy’s smaller, weaker species for no apparent reason, but aren’t they just big and lovable gentle giants? Kind of. Tarfful After the Clone Wars ended, Tarfful was among the first to realize what Kashyyyk had become. It was a mere colony now, left at the mercy of Trandoshan aggressors and Imperial oppressors. Tarfful took the fight to these two groups underground, where he founded the Wookiee Liberation Front, or as they say in their language, “Gruurguuruaaaaaaaaaagh Murrrrraagahh Grrrrmmmmhhh.” They fought long and hard, but the New Republic helped deal the final blow. They, of course, took all the credit, which left the aged Wookiee warrior rather disappointed. Salporin Trandoshan slavers, backed by the Empire, shipped this brave Wookiee warrior to a forced labor camp on their home planet, where the many years of back-breaking work almost killed him. But Salporin’s noble spirit would not fail him, because he refused to submit. One day, the slavers who had spent the fruits of Wookiee labor on space caviar and death-sticks awoke to the sounds of paws pounding on their doors. Knowing exactly what this meant, they sent their best guards outside to stomp these walking carpets into submission. Kashyyyk legend states that Salporin crushed thirty-seven Trandoshans under his foot, including his owners, before he fell. Merumeru Merumeru had fought bravely alongside his comrades during the Battle of Kashyyyk, but alas, it was all for naught. Merumeru watched as Kashyyyk fell into the Empire’s hands and his friends enslaved. Merumeru saw several Wookiees get captured by Trandoshan slavers, who were forcing them away to a slave camp. Merumeru decided to make a difference, jumped into action and fighting back against the Trandoshans. He fought them long enough for his friends to escape and get out of there. He was then fatally stabbed by one of them, meeting his noble end. The Wookiees would never forget Merumeru and his brave sacrifice so they could live to fight another day. Wullfwarro Wullfwarro never forgot about the Ghost crew who had rescued him and his son Kitwarr from captivity. The two went into hiding from the Empire, while Wullfwarro secretly aided the Rebellion and provided them with information about other Wookiees in captivity. He never did meet with the Ghost crew again, but heard about some of their adventures in passing and was honored to know them. After Kashyyyk was liberated from the Empire, Wullfwarro and his son finally returned back home where Wulffwarro fulfilled his lifelong dream of opening his own restaurant which became a popular Wookiee dining area. Eugroothwa Eugroothwa watched as his home had been taken over by the Empire and his brothers enslaved. Eugroothwa executed an unorthodox plan by hiding in the shadows, pretending to be a creature known as the “Bigfoot of Kashyyyk”. He would wander around the woods disguised, and resort to playing numerous mind games that would scare off Imperials, Trandoshans and anyone else who threatened his home. Sometimes when his fellow brothers were being hunted, he’d swoop in from the jungles and kill any predators threatening them. The Wookiees would always wonder who had saved them. He became known as a local legend and superhero by fellow Wookiees and thrill seekers across the galaxy. Several ecstatic hunters would try to catch this legendary beast, but Eugroothwa would play games on them too. It’s rumored he still lives on Kashyyyk to this day, watching out for his fellow Wookiees from beyond. He’ll always be with them. Tomorrow we'll shed light on the fate of a certain sleazy club.
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  9. EPISODE XXVII: EWOKS The Ewoks: one of the galaxy’s most beloved species, known for their plucky demeanor and countless merchandising tie-ins. Be sure to cuddle your favorite Ewok plushie when reading this—you’re about to hear an adorable tale of war, revolution, genocide, and mass slaughter. Kneesaa After the Battle of Endor, Kneesaa became the new chief of Bright Tree Village, taking over from her father Chief Chirpa. This newfound power let her gain supreme authority over her fellow Ewoks. Modernization efforts from the New Republic helped her transform the whole moon into a high-tech Draconian police state, watching the Ewoks at every turn and incinerating them into fine dust if they ever stepped out of line. Literally 1984. Logray Logray became the leader of the Yub Nub Resistance, a volunteer guerrilla army designed to fight against Chief Kneesaa’s tyranny. The two sides fought a horribly bloody war with sticks, rocks, and blasters until almost no one on either side remained. No one else in the galaxy really cared, though. It was kind of cute seeing those little guys fighting, to be honest. Chirpa Chirpa trusted his daughter completely. After all, he’d been teaching her how to rule the right way for her whole life. What could she possibly mess up? He simply ignored news about vast suffering and unrest in his homeland as he soaked in some sun on a distant beach planet, working on the perfect golf swing. Teebo Teebo had no time for any of this. If he was going to die, it wouldn’t be in this war. So the proud Ewok left his post as Kneesaa’s trusted shaman and fled into safety and obscurity, taking a few hundred refugees with him. For many years, knowledge of their whereabouts never surfaced until a New Republic investigation revealed they had survived—they had started a remote commune on Kashyyyk and lived in peace and quiet ever since. Somehow, the Wookiees couldn’t tell the difference. Pommet Warrick Wicket, as one of the few survivors of the Great Ewok Civil War, raised his son in a much quieter Endor, which was now absolutely swamped in dead teddy bear corpses now. Despite this, Pommet lived a happy childhood, and felt inspired to do some fighting of his own after hearing about the heroes in the Resistance. And so the cycle of violence continued. Tomorrow we’ll be exploring a furry, forest-dwelling species who lived in tribal societies in the trees. ...Wait, are we just covering Ewoks again? Stay tuned.
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  10. EPISODE XXVI: REVENGE OF THE EMPIRE & FIRST ORDER Your favorite tyrannical empires have even more stories to share. With so many soldiers, it was a given they'd have several individuals whose stories fall into obscurity. Let's see if joining either group was a good choice for them. Bazine Netal After leaving her lover Grummgar to die in the rubble of Takodana Castle (although she didn’t really care about him), Bazine ran for the winds like a ninja. The First Order met up with her, who paid handsomely for her tip, then they parted ways. However, the First Order stated if they’d ever need her services again, she’d know. She continued doing normal mercenary work in the meantime, one job including going on a wild chase for the Millennium Falcon. When the First Order firmly took over, they hired Bazine again to spy on Resistance sympathizers, which she played her part to perfection. After the Battle of Exegol, she found herself low on work, and eventually realized perhaps it’s time to leave this life of constant backstabbing behind her. It’s said she also became good friends with Long Snoot, both sharing their espionage secrets over drinks. R2-Q5 R2-Q5 was no ordinary droid. His day job on the Death Star II was to maintain and monitor the station when needed, and make sure the whole thing didn’t explode. But he also held a smaller yet equally important role that few knew about: he was the Emperor’s personal flash drive. Yes, the Emperor himself kept a personal archive of media collected from all across the galaxy. This secret media, however, consisted entirely of “entertainment” holotapes by Mermeia and other actresses in her industry. Sheev could count on R2-Q5 to visit his throne room and drop off the goods, and R2-Q5 desperately hoped for a memory wipe in order to forget the absolute horrors that had graced his data banks. By the time the Death Star II exploded, R2-Q5 felt a sense of relief. He would be destroyed, yes, but so would Palpatine, never to return. Right? Mandetat Mandetat wasn’t the fighting type, really. Sure, he was chief engineer for Starkiller Base, a massive space station that just destroyed an entire planet and killed billions, but death kinda grossed him out, you know? Out of sight, out of mind. While fleeing the very icky grossness of Starkiller Base crumbling in half, a technological glitch forced his escape pod to crash-land on the wartorn moon of Endor. Mandetat’s soft-bodied, university-educated self couldn’t handle these forested wastelands well, especially not with all these dead teddy bears and leftover traps lying around. It wasn’t long before his clumsy footwork set off an old tripwire, crushing his skull between two logs. Barrow Oicunn Once a Republic officer, Barrow Oicunn had worked his way up to commanding a Star Destroyer in the Empire’s service, where he spent his days killing hundreds of Rebel scum. He’d gotten this far through a grand power sometimes even stronger than the Force itself: sucking up. Getting personally congratulated by Emperor Palpatine himself seemed to be enough to motivate him to submit to any and every order that came his way. When the Empire fell, Oicunn left to escape on his personal starfighter, when he received a mysterious transmission commanding him to fly into the nearest star immediately. Not wanting to disappoint the remnants of Imperial authority, the Admiral complied, incinerating himself. It turns out the message actually came from the Rebels themselves. They seemed to have had him figured out completely. Chiraneau As the Battle of Endor reached its conclusion, Chiraneau realized the Empire was losing (how they were losing to teddy bears was beyond him). Suddenly, the Executor began to collide into the Death Star II, which at this point made Chiraneau realize he needed to get the hell out of there. He was barely able to reach an escape pod during the chaos and got out by the skin of his teeth, watching the ensuing implosion behind him, all of his comrades dead. Chiraneau sobbed, vowing he’d get revenge on the Rebel terrorists. His escape pod then crashed onto Kef Bir, the Ocean Moon of Endor nearby. He looked at the large ocean before him, angry he had to be stuck here since he hated water. The debris of the Death Star II then began to crash down, as Chiraneau ran for cover. He ended up slipping on the wet ground, tripping over the escape pod and falling into the ocean, where he drowned since he couldn’t swim. Perhaps he would’ve been better off dying in a fiery explosion instead. Tomorrow we'll take a look at several furry characters.
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  11. EPISODE XXV: REVENGE OF THE BOUNTY HUNTERS There are too many bounty hunters in this world. We didn’t understand just how many people had bounties on their heads until we started this. But they are characters too, and with characters, there are stories. C-21 Highsinger C-21 Highsinger snagged the occasional bounty throughout the Empire’s rise and fall, but he was essentially the bargain bin pick compared to the big guys like Fett and Bane. Clients didn’t seem to want to hire someone who could only communicate in ones and zeroes. Frustrated at his lack of opportunities, Highsinger decided to broaden his line of expertise along with fellow bounty hunter Robo-Dengar. For a sizable fee, the duo would take care of any job you wanted—they were robotic jacks-of-all-trades. They had hoped they’d get to do lots of killing, but they only managed to find work painting hangars and fixing people’s HoloNet connections. How boring. Amanaman After Jabba’s empire collapsed, Amanaman managed to hightail it off of Tatooine, never looking back. Amanaman continued taking jobs into the New Republic era and slowly made a bigger name for himself. One day during a job, he came across the abandoned, regenerated Baby Bossk, all alone...what a tragedy. He decided to take the baby in and nurse the fallen bounty hunter back to health. Amanaman: father by day, and hunter by night. He has his work cut out for him now, to say the least. Although he bears some similarities to the creature, please do not mistake him for the giant yellow bird from Sesame Street, which does not exist in Star Wars. Fong Do One night, Fong got drunk with his fellow bounty buddies in level 1313 of the Coruscant Underworld. He heard a rumor passed around about a Sith Lord at the Outlander Club. Half of them thought it was a bad joke, while others thought there was truth to it, and were scared to find out. Fong Do told them he’d investigate this for himself, to which his buddies cheered him on. He sobered up and went out to the Outlander Club to investigate the claims. He was never seen again by anyone else afterwards. His mysterious fate has been the subject of many myths and legends among other bounty hunters, but most can agree someone, or something, killed him...perhaps there will be more to this story later in the season (cough). Djas Puhr Djas Puhr had seen it all. He’d watched Han Solo shoot Greedo, clear the bounty on his head, and beat the most powerful Hutt on Tatooine within the span of just a few years. So why wasn’t he just as famous? As the bounty hunter took a long walk to try and ponder this, as the scalding Tatooine suns shone, he felt his thoughts grow hotter and hotter until he could no longer think, and he dropped to the ground dead. Puhr somehow never considered the poor logistics of having a shiny, black head while living on a desert planet. Chata Hyoki & Robonino Following the knuckleheads’ arrest, Hyoki and Robonino plotted their grand escape from prison, Alcatraz style. The two thought their plan was pure genius and that it had no chance of failure. They tried to gather several other inmates for their plan, but they laughed it off, saying it will never work. However, much to their surprise, and by sheer luck, their plan did work. It was a plan so stupid nobody saw it coming. The two escaped and ran for the hills, never looking back. It’s rumored from here they contacted an identity eraser who relocated them and the two have been off the grid ever since. The duo are now idolized by their former inmates who laughed at them, with many attempting to remake their escape attempt to no avail. A terrible, terrible profession to pick up these days, as you can see. At least they aren't as evil as some of the guys we'll learn about tomorrow.
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  12. Episode XXIV: Merchants No, we’re not covering Star Tours characters or anything like that. We’re covering some of the galaxy’s greatest hustlers, and where their business may or may not have taken them. Dok-Ondar On his homeworld of Ithor, Dok-Ondar made his living selling galactic knick-knacks and other nifty treasures that came his way. It was his true passion, but the poor sales he was getting in return just weren’t cutting it. If his shop was to survive, he needed a change of business model. Taking a ship to Tatooine, the Ithorian trader sought out the old masters. “HEY, YOU! COME ON DOWN TO WATTO’S WARES!” Dok-Ondar realized his true place: selling cheap consumer goods for galactic tourists. Relocating to Batuu, he found his niche selling plastic lightsabers and mouse-branded memorabilia. Droogan Droogan continued his sleazy business into the rise of the Empire, trying to con as many people as possible out of their credits. Unfortunately, his hot streak would come to an end when he tried to scam a high ranking Imperial, which did not go over well. He was promptly thrown into prison. Some time later, he came face to face with the man who inspired him to be a con artist: Tak. Tak had conned Droogan out of a serious fortune several years prior, which made him realize he needed to become a conman himself to survive in this cruel galaxy. He wasn’t even sure if Tak recognized him, but he didn’t care, as his chance for revenge was finally here. He promptly shanked Tak to death on sight, and had his prison sentence extended for life. It is said he still pulls cons on many prisoners to this day, and they know better to not mess with him less they end up like Tak. Gragra Gragra was known as one of the most overly protective merchants in the galaxy. One foolish Gungan had tried to steal a gorg from her stand, but she caught him like a hawk, always watching. Many thieves had tried to swindle her out of her goods, but nobody was ever successful at stealing from Gragra in galactic history. Gragra eventually passed away of old age in 11 ABY, but not before passing her merchant defense secrets onto her daughter, Gragra Jr., who was honored to carry on the legacy. Much like her mother before her, Junior never let anyone steal from the stand. Jira Jira sadly never saw Anakin Skywalker again after he left Tatooine. She sensed there was something special about that kind boy in her time knowing him, and she sure ended up being right in ways she didn’t anticipate. She would never get to see this though, as Jira eventually passed away of old age in 23 BBY. The citizens of Tatooine were struck by this loss. They loved her fruits given how scarce it was on the barren planet. Unlike Gragra, she had never found a successor for her business. Several imitators tried to replicate the success of her fruits, but nobody could truly replace old lady Jira. Later in galactic history, an apple brand known as “Granny Jira”, was named after her, showing her influence would live on. Derla Pidys Derla Pidys had a good gig as Canto Bight’s resident liquor saleswoman. She’d spend her days vending alcohol to some of the worst addicts the galaxy had to offer, and promptly watch the casino’s many machines empty her patrons’ pockets. Soon they would be back, and the cycle would repeat itself. It was a lucrative way to live, but not one built to last, as she would soon discover. One day, after what seemed like another shift, a diminutive man greeted her outside the neon glowing building that both of them had spent so much time inside. His name was Dobbu Scay, once one of her most frequent customers, and now Canto Bight’s mayor. He was here to shut this casino down piece by piece, starting with her. As officials led her away, Mayor Scay continued his plans to clear this city up. Business as usual, as you see. Tomorrow we'll be taking a look at more of the galaxy's most feared hunters.
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  13. EPISODE XXIII: PIRATES Some people here on Earth believe a pirate’s life is for them. But they wouldn’t agree if they learned about the life of a space pirate. It’s a lot more gross, trust us. Kuimi Enissa Kuimi was once a member of the Lumini pirates, a proud gang of pillagers, plunderers, riflers, and looters. But a First Order attack devastated the clan, and all were slain except her. This didn’t stop Kuimi, though—joining the Resistance, she travelled to Ajan Kloss to help them take down their mutual enemy once and for all. But afterward, the ex-pirate felt directionless. There was nothing left to “resist” anymore with the Resistance, and returning to a life of crime didn’t feel right. To cope with the utter uselessness of her character, Kuimi decided to blast off into the Outer Rim to make a name for herself, to find the Bacta Tank of Youth or the Dead Man’s Camtono or something. Where is she now? No one really seemed to care. Goru Before the end of the Clone Wars, Goru had committed mutiny against Hondo yet again, coming to realize he was a weak leader. He took a handful of crew members with him to start his own pirate gang, but Hondo laughed and predicted they’d come crawling back in a week. Some time later when the Empire took over, Hondo’s group fell apart, much to Goru’s delight. He saw this as the perfect chance to become the dominant pirate crew in the new era, wanting to stick it to the new Empire. Unfortunately, his crew barely lasted long before it was quickly wiped out by the Empire, all dying in a fiery death. RIP. Parsel Parsel had gone the whole nine yards with Goru, spending his last days aboard a jolly Weequay sloop before its brutal incineration by an Executor-class Star Destroyer. But before his demise, he had done the deed that all pirates dream to do: bury his own treasure, deep within the dusty deserts of his home planet of Sriluur. It remained hidden for many years afterward, as people spun tales and fables of Parsel’s treasure while also having no clue where to look. After many years, a humble worker dug it up while running a mining operation on the planet for businessman Zeff Lezos. But Lezos would never see that money—the mysterious digger took their cache of money and drugs and vanished into the dunes, never to be seen again. Quiggold Quiggold, as he would say, was only “along for the ride.” He’d spent his early life as a junkie, addicted to death sticks on his home planet of Gabdor. This habit had nearly killed him before he was saved by Captain Sidon Ithano, to whom he now owed a life debt. Since then he had been the captain’s loyal first mate, serving with honor until that fateful day at Takodana Castle. He never saw Ithano again, who had abandoned him with a new first mate, Pru Sweevant (who would soon abandon him in turn). Feeling betrayed, Quiggold formed his own band of miscreants and travelled the galaxy in search of vengeance. It took many years, but soon, Sweevant and Quiggold reunited. But after so many years, Quiggold had forgotten why he was even mad in the first place. And so, claiming opposite sides of one ship, the Quiggold-Sweevant Gang set sail as one. Gwarm Due to the collapse of the Ohnaka Gang, Gwarm also ended up forming his own pirate crew to survive the Empire. Unlike Goru though, his crew was actually smart and plundered a prosperous life. Gwarm’s pirate gang are also the ones who shanghaied former Mos Eisley regular Jerriko into their service, managing to convince him while he was drunk. They all got a laugh out of never telling him how he truly ended up in their crew. Gwarm proved himself a remarkable captain, as the gang survived into the New Republic era. They even formed quite a fierce but respectable rivalry with Sidon Ithano’s crew, getting into quite a few ship battles. Tomorrow we’ll explore the lives of a class of one-timers with the Disney spirit. Interpret that how you will.
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  14. EPISODE XXII: RESISTANCE (show) Now we take a look at characters from Star Wars: Resistance, the Filoni family’s third child. This show and its cast may have been abruptly forgotten, but some of these characters still deserve to have their stories closed. Bibo Bibo and its mother continued to drift through the vast seas of Castillion at peace. Bibo longed for the Colossus crew to return, missing them. One day, the crew did return, and got to reunite with Bibo for a sweet moment. As the years went by, Bibo got older and bigger, almost reaching the size of its mother. Several sightseers would see the majestic beast leap from the depths once in a while, becoming a legendary sight to hunt for. One of these sightseers happened to be a famous film director, and seeing the creature gave him inspiration for his next film called: “Finding Bibo.” Nena Nena eventually regrouped back with the Colossus team by sheer luck, realizing the error of her ways and wanting to be a part of their fight against the First Order. Her and Neeku eventually got together romantically, blossoming a cute relationship. How sweet. Hallion Nark Kragan and his crew made Nark walk the plank for his failure, and sent him plunging into the seas of Castillion. He eventually washed up on an uncharted island, all alone. He turned a coconut into his best friend, calling it “Wilson.” It is said Nark is still stranded on that island to this very day, waiting for rescue. Please send help. Ax Tagrin Following his botched bounty job at Varkana, the First Order fired him so Ax went back to the old grind of his normal bounty hunting jobs. He found that the bounty hunter life in the First Order era was not very rewarding or fun as it used to be, eventually spiraling into an alcoholic depression. One night he got so drunk that he damaged his liver, rendering him unable to do his job anymore. He is currently attending Alcoholics Anonymous meetings to cope. Perhaps someday his career will get a big revival... Norath Kev Kev continued to work for the Resistance, but began to annoy his team mates, becoming the butt of many jokes. They even made an inside joke about him being a terrorist However, he would prove his worth to the Resistance during the Battle of Exegol, when he single handedly was able to blow up a Star Destroyer above his home world of Duro. This heroic act made him remembered as a hero and his friends never mocked him again after seeing his skills. Tomorrow we'll take a look at several infamous swashbuckling plunderers, mateys.
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  15. SEASON III REVENGE OF THE ONE-TIMERS War! The Star Wars franchise is crumbling under the overabundance of underdeveloped characters. There are one-timers on both sides. Memes are everywhere. In a stunning move, the fiendish Disney CEO, Bob Iger, has announced a glut of new Star Wars series exclusive to Disney+, further ignoring the stories of these characters. As brand new Star Wars media attempts to pretend these characters never existed in the first place, jjs and OWM lead a desperate mission to give these one-timers justice.... EPISODE XXI: LEGO CHARACTERS We begin this season with something unorthodox: tales from the Lego universe. Scholars have debated if these characters are truly canon or worth including, but we are here to tell you their stories are as valid as everyone else’s. Jedi Bob Poor Bob was never quite the same after boarding that Republic gunship to Geonosis. The sight of his fallen comrades along with hordes of stinky dead Geonosians haunted him every waking moment, until he could no longer tolerate it. Turning in his lightsaber, Bob left the Jedi Order as the Clone Wars began to forge his own path in the galaxy. Hopping from universe to universe, he adopted countless different roles in countless different realities: a medieval knight, a scruffy pirate, an unspecified civilian driving a car. “Jedi” Bob was more than just that, of course. He had become an all-powerful entity, able to assume any role he pleased thanks to the powers of mysterious plastic blocks and a childish imagination. This, of course, made him the most powerful Jedi to ever exist. Oni Jass Oni Jass was a man of mysterious origins. Few even knew of his existence to begin with, and those who did described him as only “the individual.” No one seemed to agree on what he did for a living. But we at OTSWC know perfectly who he was: he was a big game galaxy hunter. You could catch him on Dathomir slaughtering the mightiest rancor he could find, just so he could rest its plucked teeth atop his trophy case, or on Twon Ketee spearing rahtars for his dinner. It’s even been said that he had bested a Zillo Beast on Malastare in an epic eighty-day battle. But a trophy hunter’s life does not sustain itself for long. After meeting his husband Hugh, he realized this life wasn’t for him anymore. They live a quiet life together now on a peaceful, uncharted planet. Growly Growly had quite the tough time fitting in on Corellia, often being mocked for having three eyes. But there was hidden potential deep inside the misunderstood, young lad. Due to his third eye, he was naturally gifted with maneuvering in a ship, a talent he would show off in street races. One day, a mysterious blue man approached Growly. He noticed the stranger had blazing red eyes and wore a fancy white Imperial outfit, but wasn’t quite sure who he was. Growly feared for a moment he was in trouble with the Empire, but on the contrary. The man was impressed with his talents after an informant alerted him of Growly’s flying capabilities and made him an offer of a lifetime. The man offered him a role in a mysterious organization known as the Chiss Ascendancy. Growly was never seen on Corellia again after that offer. Kinn Zih The people of Jakku always found Kinn to be an oddball on a planet filled with them. He had an extensive gun collection and many labeled him as a gun nut, but in truth, he was secretly an arms dealer. He made quite a living off of it, since Jakku didn’t have much else to offer. Some of his clients included: the Hutt Cartel, pirates, various other scum, and an infamous spice kingpin known as “The Danger”, who rose to prominence after Elan Sleazebaggano’s death. Kinn eventually amassed a fortune of credits and left Jakku, affording his own private home on the tropical planet of Sesid, living the good life. Jay Jay, Jo Jo, and Jee Jee Binks As Naboo’s first Senator, Jar Jar Binks met more Gungans than he could ever hope to comprehend. Staffers and well-wishers came pouring in to greet and thank him for his victory against the Trade Federation. But there was one alien he may have gotten a little too close with: Queen Julia of Bardotta. Yes, the Gungan statesman and the Bardottan royal defied physiology to create three little triplet freaks of nature. Their births led to “Jargate,” a political scandal sensationalized enough to strip their father of his position as Senator. While the triplets had otherwise normal childhoods on Naboo, they soon found their places in the world once they reached adulthood: Jay Jay relocated to her mother’s homeland of Bardotta, where, as the oldest, she soon inherited the title of Queen. You might think this would’ve brought Naboo and Bardotta closer together, but it just reminded everyone of those really awkward times. Expect the planet to overthrow her soon. Jo Jo felt the need to support his father, who was now working as a disgraced street clown on the streets of Theed. Mooching off Jay Jay’s lucrative business, he was able to buy a cheap freighter in order to take the act to the next stage. Keep your eyes peeled for “Jo Jo’s Circus,” a travelling show touring the Mid Rim later this fall. Jee Jee, who has somehow enabled the Binks family’s glorious return to public service, is now Supreme Glorious Minister of Naboo serving alongside Supreme Glorious Savior and Minister for the People Juan Juan Guaidó. Rumor has it that Jee Jee may be taking things over soon after a very convenient assassination. We hope you did your summer re-watches, because we continue our tales tomorrow with some characters from one of Star Wars' many series.
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