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Plot French Barbeau’s groundbreaking research on the underwater community of Bikini Bottom has turned the world of oceanography on its head. Many sea creatures are exhibiting intelligence on the same level as that of modern day humans, a feat they seem to have long accomplished years ago. Bikini Bottom has been officially recognized as the first of possibly many undersea sanctuaries, housing all those who wish to live safely away from the perilous wilds of the vast open ocean. Various defense measures have been observed being taken in order to enforce peace in this city, such as the establishment of its very own police force. However, not ALL of its denizens are so civilized. Television producer and weekend marine biologist, Nigel Darnell, dives headfirst into the dark side of these underwater “civilizations” in a major effort to get the whole story of this latest step in evolution told, and his findings show that feral, animalistic activity still takes place in spite of the progress that Bikini Bottom has made. Darnell seeks to answer whether undersea civility is truly a possibility, or if predation is ultimately an inevitability. Characters Nigel Darnell: A “contemporary” of French Barbeau’s. He is opportunistic and ambitious, and it’s plastered all over his work for the Graphic Nature Channel. Kana: One of Darnell’s “roster of stars”. She is an octopus dubbed by Darnell as the “Cephalo Serial Killer”. She appears to loathe her species’ existence and sees only futility in the idea of civility. She also looks down on a lot of her own kind for degenerating into a bunch of mindless, pompous interpretive dancers. The Yellow Goatfish: Kana’s crew of six, her “hunting party”, so to speak. They mysteriously flocked to her one day and they’ve been joined at her hip ever since. They don’t appear to be capable of speech like other modern fish, suggesting they may not be as evolved as others Rust: The latest ratings success in Darnell’s “roster of stars”. Darnell markets him as “The Copper Head”. He is a copper shark and the leader of the Bronze Whalers. Most shark species know better than to associate themselves with a sensational figure like Darnell, but Rust sees it as a prime business opportunity to put more of the spotlight on his own kind. Hitori: Darnell’s biggest meal ticket. He is a blue whale-fin whale hybrid who also happens to be one of the few 52-hertz whales in the world. This is less of an honor and more of a curse as this distinction deprives Hitori of the ability to communicate with any of his species. Amaqjuaq: One of Darnell’s longest-tenured stars. He is a Steller’s sea lion who was once part of the US Navy’s Marine Mammal Program. This special training makes him and his raft of fellow sea lions more than a formidable threat to the likes of sharks and even orcas, which makes him all the more essential to Darnell. Episode 1) Psycho Killer One fine evening, a male octopus is seen escorting his female companion back to her humble home, which is made out of two halves of a coconut. She comments on how “The Table for Two” was an even more thought provoking experience than the original “The Table” movie. There’s just something about two people coming together for dinner, having a friendly conversation as equals, that really captivates her. The film consisted mainly of improvised, natural dialogue and it carried the movie mighty fine throughout the entirety of its three hour runtime. The male octopus agrees with her assessment, stating that it’s funny how getting a little food in your system can bring a pair so close together. The male octopus leans in for a kiss goodnight, but the female pulls back and opens the front door behind her. She invites him instead, saying “why should the night end here”. The male accompanies her inside and closes the front door behind him. She leads him upstairs to the master bedroom. Upon opening the door, she’s greeted by the unwelcome sight of six yellow goatfish picking off the scraps of the house’s original owner. The female thinks fast by locking onto the male in a tight embrace kisses him passionately in order to take away his full attention while the goatfish scramble to hide the body in plain sight. The female sends a tentacle out to get a feel of the goatfishes’ progress and once they’re finally done, she pulls the male’s almost motionless body over to the bed. She had already pierced him with her razor sharp beak and inflicted him with her bodily toxins. The male lies helpless, paralyzed, as the female proceeds to have her way, strangling and slowly devouring him with each dislocation of his tentacles. The goatfish witness the act unfold, waiting to eventually get their turn. Some time passes before the female decides that she’s had enough. The goatfish quickly swarms over, but she punches one of them back, not pleased at how their cover was almost blown. Again. She wonders aloud, “just why do I keep you lot around? You’re more liabilities than anything!” But regardless, she allows them their share. Loyalty is a hard thing for Kana to come by, and while they may annoy the shit out of her, the goatfish make good company, if anything. Kana gets on a nearby shellphone and makes a courtesy call to her paymaster. She asks if Darnell was able to get all of that, to which Darnell replies that he did. In Darnell’s words, “it was yet another exemplary showcase of what the night octopus can do”. She inquired about the ratings, since she heard reports that they weren’t as strong as they once were. She lets Darnell know that if there’s anything he wants for her to change up, to just tell her and she’ll do it. Darnell assures her that as long as these current numbers maintain, she’ll be guaranteed a renewal. He tells her to keep doing what she’s doing, and he’ll be in touch. The line goes dead. Kana places the phone back on the nightstand, still unsure of what to make of that. If she has to watch another artsy fartsy art house shit show again, she’s gonna upchuck her last few meals. She hates what the world has become. Things seemed to make a lot more sense when it was still dog eat dog, survival of the fittest, that kinda shit. Having eight tentacles used to mean something so much more than just interpretive dancing and clarinet playing. Nine brains, and the most that octopi can wrap their nine minds around is whether or not their next loaf of bread should come in a can. Civilization expects octopuses to put their vast intelligence to work by working menial 9-5’s when they were once the only sea creature who could even use tools in the first place. She doesn’t need to “buy” her bread in a can, she can go out and make her own out of the internal entrails of her prey. Just the way nature had intended. And now she’s been branded as some “serial killer” just for going by her sheer instinct? What a load of barnacles nature can be sometimes. This feral phobia needs to stop, she thought. It’s not doing the ocean any good. Kana collects all her hunting buddies and leads them out of the house before setting the coconut ablaze. She slinks away into the darkness, flanked by her yellow colored crew. Sirens can already be heard in the far distance. Stressing over this subject always leaves her drained, both mentally and physically. The night is still young. The female octopus can still go for seconds. She pulls up the “Packeter” app on her phone for another match. Oh joy. Another starving artist type. Yet another up and coming pupil at the dance academy. Who’s up for some more homemade takoyaki? Trivia Kana is named after Kanaloa, a Hawaiian god who is represented by the octopus Kanaloa is often associated with fellow god, Kāne, commonly portrayed as being complementary powers to each other. Representing the divine duality of wild and taming forces, Kanaloa embodies the wild whereas Kāne embodies the taming Takoyaki is also known as “octopus balls”. The double entendre game is on point

Episode 4: Breaking Sponge One day, the cafeteria is seen being overcrowded by angry, hungry campers. They’re acting like the ravenous Krusty Krab customers eventually would, that foreshadowing! Plankton’s special c(h)um is on the menu for today, and it turns out that isn’t quite appealing to the campers, who would’ve thought? Krabs hears all the complaints and bursts in faster than a barefoot jack rabbit, sensing yet another lawsuit in the pit of his wallet (yep, we’re gonna milk this gag). He asks what the kids are bitching about, to which they say they hate Plankton’s food and want Mr. Lyle cooking instead. Plankton refuses to budge, but Krabs steps on him. Krabs says that Lyle took today off, which he wouldn’t allow if he was in charge, so he offers to cook some old fashioned navy food. Unfortunately, the kids don’t want that either, which makes Krabs aggravated. He then says if these snowflakes can do better, then one of them should cook. SpongeBob decides to take the challenge, offering to cook. He’s always dreamed about being a fry cook and decides to use this as a first step into the career. Krabs shrugs and decides to give it a shot. He says Plankton will be working with SpongeBob or he’s fired. Who knows, maybe even Plankton will learn how to actually cook something that isn’t fucking disgusting from the kid (spoiler: he won’t). Plankton hides his annoyance and pretends to be excited, as the two get into the kitchen. Meanwhile, Giancarlo realizes one of the campers, Squidward Tennisballs-whoops, Tentacles, has an uncanny resemblance to the mysterious health inspector. He wonders if they are somehow related. Jonathan Banks says there’s plenty of octopi in the sea and it could be a coincidence. Still, Giancarlo suggests Banks delicately question him to see what he knows. Banks says he will do so, while Giancarlo begins researching through the history of Mein Kampf Koral to see if there’s anything he missed. He suspects something fishy is going on around here (drum snare), especially after Banks claims the intruder teleported away like some supernatural creature. Giancarlo knows there’s more to this mysterious health inspector than meets the eye. As Giancarlo shifts through old documents, he finds an old report of some people who tried to claim this land long ago, but got scared away by an alleged “magic Nazi squid.” Nobody took them seriously so the claim was dismissed. Giancarlo believes he’s found his smoking gun and continues to investigate. Back at the kitchen, SpongeBob is ready to cook. Plankton tries to mentor SpongeBob, but that goes about as well as you expect. First, Plankton commands SpongeBob to boil water, but ends up making it on fire. Plankton then suggests something easier, asking him to cut bread. SpongeBob tries to cut the bread, but the knife accidentally goes flying at Plankton, who barely avoids it. To which Plankton replies “too bad that didn’t kill me” (look look we’re referencing an episode you’d rather be watching!). SpongeBob then tries whisking, but gets whisked himself. He then tries to mold some dough, but Plankton gets hurt instead. Plankton has had it, telling SpongeBob to get the fuck out. SpongeBob begs him to give him another chance, for he wants to be the sea’s best fry cook, even pulling the sappy puppy eyes. Plankton, against his better judgment, says he’ll give him one last chance, but he has to actually make something to get his seal of approval. So, SpongeBob gets to work and within a few minutes, whips something up. Plankton asks what it is, and SpongeBob says it’s a special soufflé. Plankton tries it, and it’s…surprisingly good? Perhaps this kid really did have potential after all, but he tells him not to get too cocky. SpongeBob considers it a success and lets out a victory screech (moar references!!!). Plankton tells him to make another. Skodwarde is eavesdropping outside of the cafeteria, and hatches another genius idea that will get Giancarlo in hot water. Skodwarde uses his god powers to make a bunch of meth ingredients fall into SpongeBob’s current soufflé. When it comes out of the oven, it's crystal blue colored, which has Plankton curious and SpongeBob confused. Plankton tries it and reaches ecstasy. Plankton says to SpongeBob he's got a magic touch and that the two of them will make a great team, so here's a low budget visual to accompany that: SpongeBob wants to say he's not sure if it's supposed to look like that, but is happy his chef career is taking off so he decides not to say anything. Skodwarde uses his god powers to replace all of the normal soufflé ingredients with meth, which SpongeBob puts in for his next batch. Plankton passes out the crystal blue soufflé to the campers, who dig in at once, and reach ecstasy as well. Skodwarde gets a good laugh out of this and then begins to call somebody. Banks sees Squidward sitting on his chair, still reading Essential Elements for Band: Bb Bass Clarinet and approaches him. Squidward looks up, annoyed and asks what he wants. Banks says he’d like to ask him a few questions, assuming he’s not wasting his precious time. Squidward says he’ll try. Banks asks him if he has any relatives, to which Squidward says of course. He then asks if any of them are health inspectors, which Squidward denies. He then asks if any have been to this camp before. Squidward then starts to grow suspicious on why Banks is asking him this, but Squidward tells him no. Banks thanks him for his time and walks away. Squidward starts to wonder if Skodwarde's been dicking around with the camp again and needs to find him immediately. As the campers eat their soufflé, Sandy, being the only one there with a brain, realizes the color of it is similar to what Nobby and Narlene had. She tells the campers to stop eating that because it's bad for you, but they look at her like she's a stupid squirrel and ignore her warnings. Typical. Sandy peeks into the kitchen to see SpongeBob and Plankton making the crystal blue soufflé, assuming Plankton is tricking SpongeBob into making meth. Suddenly, a police car pulls up to the camp, and the God of Supremacy Orange Cop (!) gets out of it. Banks sees this and alerts Giancarlo, who both try to hide their worried looks. Giancarlo asks the officer what he can do for him. God of Supremacy Orange Cop says he received a notice that meth was spotted on this camp. Giancarlo assumes he's referring to the narwhals and tells them those were two intruders who were "dealt with." However, GOSOC says he was alerted of this today and needs to investigate pronto. Banks asks if he has a warrant, and the GOSOC pulls one out of his ass. The two can't argue with that, but aren't quite sure what to do now. Sandy then runs out of the cafeteria and tells the adults that Plankton snuck blue meth into their food. The GOSOC thanks the squirrel for her tip and barges into the kitchen, with SpongeBob and Plankton both putting their hands up. GOSOC gets the tiny handcuffs, arresting Plankton. Plankton is outraged, wanting to know the meaning of this. GOSOC explains he's been serving blue meth to children, confusing him. He points to the spiked soufflé, to which Plankton tries blaming SpongeBob, but SpongeBob says he was just using Plankton's ingredients. Plankton tries to protest this, ranting how he's been setup, wants a lawyer, and that he hates the police. GOSOC has heard enough and takes Plankton away. Krabs gives a hearty laugh, saying he always expected Sheldon to end up like this. Plankton vows he will destroy him! Giancarlo apologizes to GOSOC for this employee's actions and promise he does not reflect all of Mein Kampf Koral (the more he says that out loud the more you wonder why nobody suspects anything). GOSOC thanks Sandy for snitching, though Sandy looks at Giancarlo suspiciously, fearing she may have gotten the wrong guy. Plankton says he doesn’t need them and vows that when he gets out of prison, which probably won't take long, he'll open his own successful restaurant because he went to college. He says he won't miss this place but promises he’ll try to remember them all in therapy, as he's thrown into GOSOC's car. Plankton gives them the double bird and shouts "so long, assholes!" as it drives off into the distance. Sandy notes how curiously, nobody got sick from the blue meth this time. SpongeBob suspects maybe his magic touch prevented them from getting sick, and feels even more confident than before now about his cooking abilities. Giancarlo and Banks know Plankton was set up by their "friend", but they wanted to get rid of him for a while, and nobody liked his cooking, anyways, so they can't complain about this turnout. Still, they were cutting it pretty close there and know they need to act fast. Giancarlo tells Bank he's discovered who has been causing them trouble: an ancient god known as "Skodwarde". Squidward looks around for Skodwarde, demanding an explanation, but is unable to find him. Skodwarde, looking from afar, is annoyed his scheme has backfired, although is happy it's lit something a fire under Giancarlo's ass. He wanted to do this easily and quietly, but he now realizes he'll have to do something extreme to hurt Giancarlo's image. He has a devious look on his face, and no, it's not gay thoughts this time.

Hoping to make this a thing again, so here's a small peek at something I've been working on lately. A post apocalyptic SB story of sorts. ___________________________ It was another boring day in Coral Reef 768. Nothing ever happened in Reef 768 and that was the way most fish felt about it. Their lives were boring and mundane, but peaceful. One of these lives was that of SpringBob Squarehole. He’d been conceived long after the trashocalypse and only knew of it through old eels tales and his history texts at this point. It was not relevant to him beyond that it was way the Reefs existed — to keep him and the others safe from the pollution the trashocalypse had caused. SpringBob never had any desire to change his daily life or pursue a different future. That is until the day that Squid plopped in. It was that boring old day that everyone knew of. Morning chum had already passed and afternoon chum was still a half hour in the future. SpringBob and his fellow compatriots were studying in the classroom when the alarm began blaring. It was more of a shriek than anything. It was deafening. SpringBob couldn’t even hear headmaster Eugene command the students to leave quietly and peacefully. He was able to tag along nonetheless. They headed to the nearby shelter in place room where the blaring would finally begin to cease. An automated voice then came on over the speaker to say “All clear! Return to your assignments immediately!” Before anyone could leave however another voice, this one a real authentic one came through the speaker: “At this time, please come to the Reef center room as soon as possible. Thank you for your cooperation.” In the center of the room was the comptroller of the reef, a Mr. SJP — no one knew what the initials stood for and never dared to ask. He ruled the reef with an especially vicious grip, punishing minor infractions with extraneous sentences to the surface, the equivalent of death in this society. Lying on the floor next to SJP was a creature many of the inhabitants had read about but never seen before — a sea squid. The squidman wasn’t especially huge, but he wasn’t helped by the angle at which he clutched for assistance at. He let out light gasps as if he barely could withstand the environment he was in at the moment. SpringBob stood with the others staring at this squid, completely and utterly confused at what he was looking at. “Now I know you all are probably alarmed by the sight of this… creature,” Mr. SJP said in a rather monotone voice. “However, you know my policy here at reef 768 is the more the merrier!” Everyone stood in silence, still unsure exactly how to react. “We found this poor soul struggling by the side of some ruined city, something Bottom or another, choking on the dust bunnies in a ditch.” The Squid moved his head very tenuously, not in one direction or another however. “We chose to give him a better life here as opposed to more dead air back there. We expect everyone else in this Reef to accept our new friend as a value member of community and nothing less!” Everyone quickly nodded their head up and down. SJP then turned to him. “Son, what is your name?” In a weak rasp, he said “Chet” And that was how SpringBob came to meet that afoul Squid.

As if the brony arc hasn't been enough of a hammer to my old image as a stereotypical tryhard "man", 2022 is shaping up to be the year that I care even less and start listening to Taylor Swift, Metric, and Babymetal. LET'S GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO