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  1. EPISODE XXIII: PIRATES Some people here on Earth believe a pirate’s life is for them. But they wouldn’t agree if they learned about the life of a space pirate. It’s a lot more gross, trust us. Kuimi Enissa Kuimi was once a member of the Lumini pirates, a proud gang of pillagers, plunderers, riflers, and looters. But a First Order attack devastated the clan, and all were slain except her. This didn’t stop Kuimi, though—joining the Resistance, she travelled to Ajan Kloss to help them take down their mutual enemy once and for all. But afterward, the ex-pirate felt directionless. There was nothing left to “resist” anymore with the Resistance, and returning to a life of crime didn’t feel right. To cope with the utter uselessness of her character, Kuimi decided to blast off into the Outer Rim to make a name for herself, to find the Bacta Tank of Youth or the Dead Man’s Camtono or something. Where is she now? No one really seemed to care. Goru Before the end of the Clone Wars, Goru had committed mutiny against Hondo yet again, coming to realize he was a weak leader. He took a handful of crew members with him to start his own pirate gang, but Hondo laughed and predicted they’d come crawling back in a week. Some time later when the Empire took over, Hondo’s group fell apart, much to Goru’s delight. He saw this as the perfect chance to become the dominant pirate crew in the new era, wanting to stick it to the new Empire. Unfortunately, his crew barely lasted long before it was quickly wiped out by the Empire, all dying in a fiery death. RIP. Parsel Parsel had gone the whole nine yards with Goru, spending his last days aboard a jolly Weequay sloop before its brutal incineration by an Executor-class Star Destroyer. But before his demise, he had done the deed that all pirates dream to do: bury his own treasure, deep within the dusty deserts of his home planet of Sriluur. It remained hidden for many years afterward, as people spun tales and fables of Parsel’s treasure while also having no clue where to look. After many years, a humble worker dug it up while running a mining operation on the planet for businessman Zeff Lezos. But Lezos would never see that money—the mysterious digger took their cache of money and drugs and vanished into the dunes, never to be seen again. Quiggold Quiggold, as he would say, was only “along for the ride.” He’d spent his early life as a junkie, addicted to death sticks on his home planet of Gabdor. This habit had nearly killed him before he was saved by Captain Sidon Ithano, to whom he now owed a life debt. Since then he had been the captain’s loyal first mate, serving with honor until that fateful day at Takodana Castle. He never saw Ithano again, who had abandoned him with a new first mate, Pru Sweevant (who would soon abandon him in turn). Feeling betrayed, Quiggold formed his own band of miscreants and travelled the galaxy in search of vengeance. It took many years, but soon, Sweevant and Quiggold reunited. But after so many years, Quiggold had forgotten why he was even mad in the first place. And so, claiming opposite sides of one ship, the Quiggold-Sweevant Gang set sail as one. Gwarm Due to the collapse of the Ohnaka Gang, Gwarm also ended up forming his own pirate crew to survive the Empire. Unlike Goru though, his crew was actually smart and plundered a prosperous life. Gwarm’s pirate gang are also the ones who shanghaied former Mos Eisley regular Jerriko into their service, managing to convince him while he was drunk. They all got a laugh out of never telling him how he truly ended up in their crew. Gwarm proved himself a remarkable captain, as the gang survived into the New Republic era. They even formed quite a fierce but respectable rivalry with Sidon Ithano’s crew, getting into quite a few ship battles. Tomorrow we’ll explore the lives of a class of one-timers with the Disney spirit. Interpret that how you will.
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  2. Sorry for the wait! Skod on the Run Part IV: SQodwarde We return to see Skodwarde 420 passing the dutchie on the left hand side in his home of Dimension 420. However, he soon realizes that there’s no one in the house to pass it to, so just who did he pass the dutchie to? He turns almost an exact copy of himself, an exact copy who he imagines looks hot in his unmentionables. Thinking this is just a bad trip, Skodwarde 420 laughs it off. He loses his ability to laugh when the copy uses his god powers to forcibly remove Skodwarde 420’s laugh box and then proceeds to shove it up his own ass. The copy’s god power appears to increase upon insertion as Skod 420 slowly dies on the floor. 420 asks just who this exact copy is, to which the exact copy responds “I’m you, but better.” Dimension 420 is then completely wiped off the face of the multiverse. Elsewhere in the Skodwarde Multiverse, Keanu Reeves, Painty and Steven Ogg arrive at their desired destination; a somewhat old western town located somewhere on the outskirts of the entire multiverse, seemingly untouched by Skodwarde’s influence. Steven tells them that the group they’re looking for is based in a saloon right over there. Painty sheds a painted tear, knowing he’s finally accomplished the mission that he and Patchy worked so long and so hard to accomplish, just like his painted dick right now. Keanu Reeves is still rather wary though and keeps his guard up. They enter the nearby saloon to find that is occupied by the likes of *carefully reads down the list of the Truth or Square cast on the SB Wiki* Ricky Gervais, Rosario Dawson, Eddie Deezen, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, the Taco Bell Chihuahua, Johnny Depp, Cap’n Crunch, LeBron James, Tina Fey, Tina Turner, Will Ferrell, Craig Ferguson, Popeye, The Guy on the Penny, Queen Elizabeth II, P!nk, P!nk’s band, Bruce Willis and Gwyneth Paltrow. But the name the jumps out Keanu Reeves the most is Ian McShane, who jumps out and scares Keanu with some surprise buttsex, saying that was to get Keanu back for their last encounter. Keanu is shocked, thinking he had put a phallic object firmly up Ian’s ass, and that he was Fred Phelps! McShane explains that was simply just a cover identity necessary to perform some triple agenting. Fred Phelps was just a role he had to play in order to get closer to Skodwarde, the one that Keanu is after. But with Skod Wick’s demise personally at Skodwarde’s hand, he had to abandon the character or else raise suspicion. Keanu can’t help but go “whoa” as he struggles to take all of this information in. Steven Ogg pushes by Keanu and leans in to kiss Ian, making very little effort to hide his obvious jealousy. Ian introduces Steven Ogg as his latest lover in a vain attempt to make Keanu Reeves jealous. Painty cuts the sexual tension by asking Ian if he’s the one in charge here, but Ian claims that he is not. Suddenly, the man in charge makes his demonic presence known, and it is none other than Danny Trejo! BECAUSE HE’S IN EVERY MOVIE!!! Danny Trejo demands to know who these outsiders are. Painty introduces himself as the intro guy, the one who’s been blowing the whistle on Skodwarde’s grand illusion since the very beginning. Painty introduces Keanu Reeves as the newest president of the Skodwarde Hate Club. Keanu flashes the presidential ID card he received from Patchy as proof. Danny Trejo destroys the card with his rather satanic pew pew eye lazors and sends Keanu flying over the bar of the saloon. We have a bar fight on our hands boys, so buckle those belts tight. After some nautical nonsense involving celebrity guest stars, a pencil, and the swift removal of life with said pencil, Keanu Reeves dispatches all of the celebrity guests with relative ease. All that leaves now is Danny Trejo, who welcomes the worthy challenge. Before they can engage in mortal combat, they’re broken up by Snoop Dogg, who is raging because the noise they’re all making seriously fucked his game up during his Twitch stream. He demands to know what fuck y’all doin here, to which Painty replies “to Be The Elite”. Snoop says that they don’t just let anyone join The Elite, but Painty reminds them all that Snoop whores himself out at every opportunity he gets. Snoop can’t argue with that, so he agrees to let Painty and Keanu Reeves join their ranks. However, they must prove their worth to the group by taking out a huge problem before they letting them in on the secrets of their secret society. And seeing how well Keanu handled himself just now, he might just be the man to get the job done. Steven Ogg voices his doubts about Keanu, admitting that he himself wasn’t even able to take out “The President”. Ian McShane, however, vouches for Keanu, saying that he’s a man that is capable of taking out just about anyone, maybe even God himself. Snoop Dogg is too high to listen to this bullshit and just tells them to get the fuck on. Steven Ogg, however, opts to stay behind to spoil Ian while Keanu’s gone, but Keanu once again doesn’t take the bait. Danny Trejo decides to tag along in Steven’s place, wanting to keep close tabs on this Keanu Reeves character. Taking off in their Space-Time Machine, Painty takes the time to go over their mission specs. He’s shocked to see who their target is, being none other than Donald Trump in the spray tanned flesh. Danny Trejo tells them how Trump was once a member of The Elite, having previously been sent to acquire the rights to Skodwarde in hopes of gaining control over the squid nazi god. However, Trump went mad with power and eventually cut The Elite off entirely. In the main continuity, the Skod Crew was able to win the rights back, but with the multiverse now in play, a separate spun-off universe has emerged in which the Skod Crew failed and Trump has since used his connection to Skodwarde to become the President For Life of that universe. Essentially becoming a Far Cry villain. Trump has also rallied up a group of his own to foil The Elite at every chance he gets, a group that has come to be known as QAnon. Trump and the QAnon followers all take their orders directly from a mysterious figure known only as “Q”. The Elite have reason to believe that this “Q” character could very well be that universe’s version of Skodwarde, so they want to be able to take out three birds with one stone. That one stone being Keanu Reeves. Trejo admits that he also has been unable to take Trump out despite all the hellfire currently flowing through him, putting over Trump’s threat even more. They finally arrive in the “Sold Out” universe, where Donald Trump succeeds in securing the rights to Skodwarde all the way back in Season 4. They’re immediately greeted with anti-Elite sentiment, included some especially sharp barbs pointed directly at Tom Hanks for some reason. Danny Trejo reiterates to Keanu and Painty that these people have it all wrong about his group. The Elite definitely do not traffic and kill children in order to gain dark, satanic powers by having orgies in their spilled blood. Danny Trejo then proceeds to wipe out all the surrounding QAnon followers with his devil powers. This act of Satan is enough to attract the attention of none other than President For Life, Donald Trump, who sends alt-right versions of the defeated Skod Crew over as his secret service in order to pick the three up for a presidential banquet in their dishonor. Ushered all the way to the Whiter House, they are welcomed with closed, tiny fists by the President For Life. Trump says that Q told him to throw this banquet for them, hoping that doing so will help Q come to a business arrangement with The Elite so that they can all finally put this bad children blood behind them. Oops. That one slipped. Danny Trejo wants to cut through the bullshit and get straight to the part where they assassinate his orange ass. Danny Trejo rains hellfire on Trump with some more of his devilish eye lazors, but Trump comes out of it completely unscathed. Q wishes that it didn’t have to come to this. Trump uses the power invested in him by Skod Almighty to smite Danny Trejo where he stood, snidely calling him a textbook example of a “bad hombre”. Seeing Trump’s skodly power in action for himself, this is pretty much the closest Keanu has ever been to the squid nazi. Not wanting to blow this chance at testing Skod’s power for himself, Keanu immediately blows it by slipping and knocking himself out on the ground. When Keanu Reeves comes to, he finds himself strapped in an ambulance of some sort. He asks what happened and Painty informs him that Trump used his god powers to make Keanu slip on an ice cube. They’re currently being transported to a place known only as “Weenie Parler Jr’s”- oh wait, that got shut down. Make that “Super Weenie Parler Jr’s” instead, for immediate “revisionist re-education”. Donald Trump says that Q sees potential in Keanu Reeves as a soldier for his cause. Keanu bluntly refuses to follow the squid nazi who killed his beloved pet, Gary. The Donald laughs at the insinuation that Skodwarde is the method behind his madness. Donald confirms that holding the rights to Skodwarde does indeed give him access to the vast god power that comes with it, but Skod’s certainly in no position to be pulling the strings in this universe. The President is aware of Keanu Reeves’ vendetta against Skodwarde, and he claims that he can get Keanu closer to the Skod he’s after more than The Elite ever could. All Keanu has to do is pledge his life and loyalty to Q’s gospel. Keanu firmly stands his ground and refuses The President’s offer. Not one to take “No” for an answer, Donald Trump uses his god powers to convince Reeves otherwise, but his god powers now seemingly have no affect on him. Keanu wills himself to break free from his bonds takes the fight back to Trump. Their scuffle causes their armored transport to crash and burn. Keanu continues beating Trump out of the rubble. Before he can strike the final blow, a voice suddenly calls out to him, telling him to stop. Keanu realizes that the voice belongs to none other than Q. Painty, having placed his full trust in The Elite, can’t hear Q and thus he thinks Keanu Reeves is just going batshit crazy. QAnon followers, am I right? Q finally shows himself to Keanu, revealing that he is in fact...Q from Season 2 of “SBC Parallel Universe”!?! Q reveals that when the Skodwarde Multiverse was spawned, it opened the door for endless possibilities, including a possible crossover with jjsthekid’s “SBC Parallel Universe”. I mean, Skodwarde crossed over with Storm Racers that one time, so ya never know. And SBC*holds nose*PU already has a tailor-made plot to tie it in seamlessly. I mean, “Parallel Universe”. Anyway, Q still feels butthurt by how his character arc wrapped up in SBC*holds nose*PU, having had his contributions to the story completely glossed over by pro-SBC propaganda. This revisionist history somehow motivated him to oppose the SBC establishment and let his truth be heard. And somehow that miraculously snowballed into the wider QAnon Movement we all know and loathe after he effortlessly recruited the president and his followers to his cause by whispering sweet nothings into their ears. Q thought having god on his side would be enough to have his truth heard, but what he really needed all along was man power, the mana, provided only by the great Hawaiian actor Keanu Reeves. Yeah, this miniseries is getting weird, man. Q repeats Trump’s offer for an alliance that would be mutually beneficial but Keanu Reeves simply shoots Q square in the head, saying that he doesn’t even know who Q is supposed to even be even after all that exposition. Trump comes to and sees what Keanu has done to his meal ticket. The President musters all the god power in his being to strike Keanu Reeves down, but is ultimately stopped thanks to the timely arrival of the Skodwarde copy from the beginning of the episode. This Skodwarde forcefully strips Trump of his Skodwarde rights and finishes him off with an Ultima, the hallmark of all true Skodwardes. This Skodwarde assimilates the rights into his being, seemingly becoming even stronger than he just was. He gains a robe and fully formed monobrow with this latest Dragon Ball-styled god power boost. Painty: Skolliam?! Arrr! But Keanu can only see a mere Skodwarde in his sights so he empties his entire clip on him, to little to no affect. “Skolliam” only stares at Reeves, looking very sure about what he’s about to do next. “Skolliam” uses his god powers to send yet another universe into oblivion and dips. Much too far away from their Space-Time Machine, Keanu Reeves and Painty can only brace themselves for the worst as the “Sold Out” universe is taken out of continuity.
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  3. Corey's little sister has me weak
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