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whoa i got this out super super quick because the songs in this list were pretty dull! how about that


Champion - Fall Out Boy

The sad thing is that I prepared a whole shitton of material I could use towards FOB for this year, but i'm not able to use it.


although to be fair i find young and menace absolutely fucking hilarious and nobody can tell me otherwise

Granted, as far as post-hiatus FOB tracks go, this is one of the better ones. Of course, with songs like Young Volcanoes and Animals-mals Centuries, there's not much I really expect much from them in the first place. And mind you, I like the stuff from the first two albums! Maybe not high art, but those songs were catchy and enjoyable. New Fall Out Boy just seems like gravy to me.

But yeah, this isn't half bad, at least when you compare it to... the other song I planned to talk about...

Whole Wide World - Cage the Elephant


I'm not sure if this or Trouble has been played more. This is seriously just a punchline by the DJs at this point. End. Please.

Eh, the song itself's a mediocre cover of a decent song, i guess

So Close - Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness


Andrew McMahon does his thing which I am completely neutral towards, so good for him.


Literally nothing this week, lmao


Lay It On Me - Vance Joy

Vance Joy is... Vance Joying.

I don't know what to say. You've heard one Vance Joy song, you've heard them all. I don't like Vance Joy, so I don't like this on principle.

Golden Dandelions - Barns Courtney

And... here's another dude sounding like Vance Joy.

I feel kinda pathetic as a reviewer considering that the literal only thing about this song I can say is that it is indeed a song. Like, what am I supposed to write about this?


Less Than - Nine Inch Nails

Now THIS is a nice change of pace. I feel like this dropped off the charts kinda fast, and that's kind of a shame because this tune... hold up, I think I said something among these lines before... uh????

Yeah, this has a lot of parallel with my thoughts on Green Light. Both of which are among the best of the year, btw. Maybe I need to brighten up a little bit and...

Vacation - Dirty Heads

...oh..... you.

Remember when I alluded to earlier that Dirty Heads need to get their heads in a dirty layer of the earth? Yeah, this is one of the biggest reasons why.

I'm not sure if this reaches the same nadir as "That's All I Need", but that doesn't matter, because nothing I've heard from them shows any real mark of quality. These guys keep rehashing the exact same kind of "Oh hey, you know, you're a big douche if you don't like our bro-reggae shit, stop thinking too much and relax maaaaaan!" tone, one that sucked the first time I heard them and one that's kept sucking since. This song is endlessly annoying and even though I only think it was played over here for a few weeks, I cringe every time that goddamn chorus enters my brainspace.

Basically, you might wanna think twice about releasing a song called "Vacation" when the summer is almost over.


Ahead of Myself - X Ambassadors

Everything about X Ambassadors confuses me in the worst way possible. In a world with millions of more interesting acts to have potential success in the mainstream consciousness, I don't know why these guys are big deals, at all. Hell,  the name X Ambassadors sounds sort of like a punk band if you think about it. But no, it's lifeless "indie" that's strong on piano and has deep lyrics, man!


All hail the outlaws
Spielberg's and Kubrick's

Yeah, I'm annoyed by them as much as you are and their presence in favor of more interesting acts is nothing short of baffling.

Like, here's a track I heard once or twice circulating on that bubbling-under show my radio station has:

I don't care what the fuck your opinion on this Jimmy Urine soundalike going rap is, you have to admit it's not something you can block out of your subconscious. What the fuck are we gonna remember these guys for?

The Wanting - J. Roddy Walston & The Business

even for 2010 alternative rock bands, that is quite the fucking clunky band name. the fucking vevo channel name can't even get it lmao

I think it got a bit more airplay over here because they're local

i guess you can say i'm wanting of a more interesting track


...can i just say that track i linked to above should've made the charts so i could talk about it more?

Holding On - The War On Drugs

...Wow, was this a boring entry.

I mean... this is a cut above the other songs on here (probably because The War On Drugs have been well established by now as Pitchfork-approved and whatnot), but at this point I'm just tired of lo-fi indie tunes in general.

No, there's no way I'm ending this with the dreary dreary, I am going to violate my own rules and give this entry another week past the around-ten-per-entry rule to muster up an actual attempt at anything interesting.


...literally nothing.




Everything Now - Arcade Fire

...Is this supposed to be satire of going commercial?

Arcade Fire, these critical darlings with a gigantic fanbase (and a might i add hilarious non-fanbase) and already-solid record sales, apparently felt that they needed to overwork that synth focus from their (already divisive from what I've heard?) last album and crank out this absolute monolith of mediocre onto the world. What exactly convinced them to unleash this slog? Maybe they knew that with their Best Album grammy from almost a decade ago, they had pretty much any reason to drop anything and expect their fans to eat it up. And it must've worked, because this went all the way to #11 and became their highest charting single of all time on the alternative chart.

...yes, THIS is Arcade Fire's biggest hit of all time.

I'm not sure how either.

Twice - Catfish and the Bottlemen


Oh, welcome back NOT-Arctic Monkeys! Nice to see you again!

Uh huh.... that's good... tell you what, how bout' you guys get me a Dr. Pepper while I tackle on some more songs, huh? Thanks.

The System Only Dreams in Total Darkness - The National

And speaking of mid-2000's indie rock critical darlings.....!

I swear to god I didn't group these bands on my own, it's just how the charts were handed to me.

However, the difference between these songs is uh...

...this is a lock for my top 5. I'm just saying it right now. Holy fuck. This is just so good.

Revolution Radio - Green Day


The weakest of the album's singles, although it's more tired than weak. I don't know, I'm running out of things to say about Green Day. Green Day. Green Day? Green Day!


The Man - The Killers


The Killers to me are this band who have this really great... half-album (saying that because... does anyone really listen to any of the songs after All These Things I've Done?) and a couple singles from the other albums worth hearing on their own, but overall, I just can't get that much into them.

This is one of those good singles though! It's all funky and stuff, that's cool.

...but does Flowers really have to tell me that he is the fucking almighty person who created all life and matter? why you fucking piece of shi-



Perfect Places - Lorde

Lorde. Lordie Lordie Lordie Lorde.

Better than Green Light. Nothing short of perfect pop. Top 10 lock.

It's a Trip! - Joywave

It's a Song! - me

And mind you, I think Joywave are a very underrated act that deserves more attention outside of being attached to that very mehhhh Dangerous song. But... eh, this isn't their best.


The Way You Used To Do - Queens of the Stone Age

The only problem I have with this song is the QOTSA name being used on it.

Granted, I know that sounds like a dumbass complaint, but... considering this is what's directly following up Like Clockwork, their most depressing work to date, this is way too radical of a contrast for me to really view it as a QOTSA song.

Of course, viewed in context of a Eagles of Death Metal song I enjoy it quite fine, and it's gonna be really hard for me to rip on anything involving Josh Homme in general, so this is still getting a pass from me.

Donald Trump Walk - White Weird

yeah, i'm not even trying this time

THUNDA?!?!?!? - Imagine Dragons

Okay, so I know that when a band signs a contract with the record business, they don't have to make songs they're confident in feeling are good.

But... there has to be some clause in all of that saying the music they make should at be technically satisfactory, right?

Because I am straight-up disqualifying this from my worst of list. Mind you, I fucking hate this as much as Believer. But... holy fucking shit. Everything about this song is so wrong, it becomes an unintentional masterpiece in it's own right.

  • First off, it just starts off like it was playing for a few seconds before recording started. No buildup, no instrumental intro, not even any spoken word. It just starts right into the verse. It seems kinda weird to point out, but I'm just seeing it like "Well, you want this song. Here you go. Are you gonna pay for your Mac and Cheese Burger?" This never even develops, it just sounds the exact same throughout, with a slightly-different-sounding bridge.
  • I was joking while I was making that intro, but... holy fuck this doesn't sound that different from it, shit
  • You can really tell that Dan Reynolds is a masterclass writer for music with totally foward-thinking lyrics such as;

They say you're basic, they say you're easy
You're always riding in the back seat

i still don't know what you're even trying to say with that, i sit where i want to

  • By the way, uh, only two verses in this entire thing, and they both last maybe 20 seconds in a 3 minute song? genius
  • And of course, [THUNDA]. I really love the idea they looked at the masters, listened to this autotuned chipmunk monstrosity and went "Yeah, that's the sound we want." Holy fuck, that sound just describes this tune in a nutshell.
  • Even if we ignore everything above at the end of the day this is literally a song whose sole purpose is telling people "Hey, look at how famous we are! Aren't we famous? Isn't it great to be famous?"

So, what's an unironic good thing about this song?

  • They know lightning comes after thunder

...that's it.

If there's one good thing about these dogshit Imagine Dragons songs, they're good at making me laugh. I think I saw somewhere before that the point of Evolve, the album this and Believer was taken from, was to be some statement about being open-minded simplicity. Y'know, getting back to the roots and all that!

Yeah, you sure nailed it buddies!!!!!!!!!!!!

Legendary - Welshley Arms


I know I've heard this in a commercial somewhere, but I can't tell you what it was advertising. I don't have anything else to say about it.

...Hey, thanks for the Dr. Pepper, guys!



Doing it for the Money - Foster the People

Well, uh... this title is way too easy to joke about at it's own expense.

I like Foster the People and even I feel like this track is just them going through the motions and trying to be like everyone else. Nothing really bad here, mind you. You could say they actually perfected the art of 5/10.

J-Boy - Phoenix


Oh hey, Phoenix's back!

This being Phoenix, it's yet another Top 10 contender. I really need to explore their discography more.

A Change of Heart - The 1975


Eh... while I generally like The 1975, most of their ballady stuff does absolutely nothing for me. I guess you could call the title ironic, but I still like these guys I swear


The Night We Met - Lord Heron

uh... this is a song alright. i already forgot what this song sounded like immediately after listening to it. i'm sorry but this song doesn't do anything in either direction for me.

Let You Down - Seether

goddamn you steel, i thought you were referring to the one currently sweeping the airwaves

heh heh


yeah, the title of the eighth track from the downward spiral perfectly captures my feelings for this


Dig Down - Muse

young pleb me introduced through Muse via Guitar Hero: Oh holy pee, MUSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2018 me: Oh... Muse.....

Yeah, uh... I don't think these guys ever did a truly good (i.e: replayable) track after Black Holes and Revelations. Yeah, you've probably never heard someone say that before.

Anyway, Freedom by George Michael is a good song, innit?

This isn't even something I can laugh at unlike the Drones-era singles from my early years, this is just useless fluff.

Little One - Highly Suspect


Probably my favorite High Sus track.

...heh, I didn't even realize what I was typing until I saw it.

But really though, this is quite solid.

Can't Get You More Pregnant - blink-182



This kind of reminds me of those 33 second throwaway NOFX tracks, except not funny. You guys fucking failed hard at giving me the baby.

...wait, how did this chart in the first place to begin with?

...shit, I grabbed the wrong song.

Home is Such a Lonely Place - blink-182

Nowhere near as interesting to talk about, and different in a much worse way. get me out of this place


Fire - Beth Ditto

I can't tell if the music video is twisting my opinion on this, but I enjoy this quite a bit. It has all the ingredients to be a hit too, so what's going on?


Run - Foo Fighters

so there's a new thing from foo fighters, the band that gets progressively less interesting with each new album

i'm sorry but i just can't bring myself to listen to anything released after one by one, it all mostly just kinda sounds... okay.

But I will say this is one of their best tracks in years! Which... isn't saying much, considering I find pretty much everything from them I've heard this decade (Rope aside) is only... adequate, but it actually gave me a motive to care about them again with a good song.

Huh, so maybe this is when the tracks finally start to get good!

Angela - The Lumineers








Don't Take the Money - Bleachers

I really enjoyed I Wanna Get Better when I first tuned into alt-rock stations, with Rollercoaster being a good followup.

And... I'm starting to question how much my memories from the early days are biased against short-term nostalgia, because wow is this blaaaaaaaaaand.

In addition, what's with this goddamn bridge melody


will we fIGHT, stay up lATE

in my drEAMS i'm to blAME

different sIDES of the bED

roll your eYES  shave my hEAD

that's just annoying man

We Got the Power - Gorillaz

no offense Nugs but I don't even need to listen to Revival to know that Humanz is a million times better than even the "best" song offa that Hopsin-level sheat

immature and unnecessary poke aside, of course the weakest single of the original four was the one that charted!

Gotta say that while still acknowledging it's very definitely not a bad song. It has the workings of a great ending track to the album... but it also ends before it feels like it reaches it's climax and Jehnny Beth is not a particularly exceptional backup singer. The reception Humanz in general is very undeserved, but... this is the single that charts? Not Ascension or Andromeda? Have Gorillaz transcended the radio since the album debuted at #2 and this peaked at #38? If Buzz Lightyear thinks he's a human, why doesn't he try to talk to Andy?

Is it a bright idea to repeat an already used template?

She Said - Sundara Kurma

This is the primary reason I've wanted to check this thing out - to see if there actually are good tunes and the radio stations just refuse to push them higher than the 30s place.

Yeah, this is another great song! It saddens me to think of the djs faking enthusiasm for Believer has gotten while this just lingers near the end of the chart.


Jungle - Tash Sultana

And also the songs that stay in the 30s also house the most "these are songs, alright" songs I've ever heard.

So no, it's not a tribute to my favorite music genre of all time :(((((


Hard Times - Paramore

I'm tempted to call this a fluke, considering... this isn't alternative. This is 100% pure pop. Paramore's older material, you can make a strong argument for, but not so much with this?

not that i don't like this song because i do and think it's another contender for my best of the year list!!!!!!!!

Goodbye Angels - Red Hot Chili Peppers

Okay, unlike last time where they did something dumb and ass, they actually pull off a good number here. You can tell Danger Mouse's fingerprints were on this. Don't feel tempted to check out the album (although I said before I tend to have some sort of bias against post-One Hot Minute RHCP anyway), but compared to a lot of other things in the chart, I'll take it.

Howl - Billy Clyro

A lost reminiscence of the garage rock revival of the 2000's, it seems. If you're wondering why I haven't started to talk about the "X the Y" names, that's because I remember that time period where every band playing that style began with "The" a lot of the time. Every. Fucking. Band. Not this one obviously, but mostly everyone else.

wait isn't that a general thing for rock bands, what the fuck am i typing delete this shit please

Anyway, good song, dumb video.

Set on Fire - Magic Giant

jesus christ i'm afraid judah and the lion set off a nasty trend of BANJO



Lights Out - Royal Blood

I fucking loved Royal Blood when they first broke through with Little Monster and Figure it Out, so much that the self-titled album remains the only album I listened to because the radio promoted it. (and it's good... baring a bit of frontloading with the track listing... and also the fact that Death from Above 1979 do this garagey-bass+drum-two-man-lineup thing much better... but it's still good, mind you!)

This is adequate. Fine. You could say it reminds me of the average side of the first album. The problem is, I kind of expect more from them from such an uninteresting year? Eh.


The Violence - Rise Against

so i was literally planning to go to sleep for one of my writing nights and this suddenly came on wtf

It's refreshing to hear a song this energetic pop up... but I also care little for Rise Against, Like the Angel and Give it All notwithstanding. So, snooze off I guess.

Help - Papa Roach


Now, Linkin Park's transition to pop... is still confusing, but I can start to see why considering the competition?

Although that's not my main point. That point is;




Feel it Still - Portugal. The Man

Holy shit, Feel it Still charted this early? Could've sworn it hit the airwaves in May or something, or maybe my memory span is fucked.

So I guess I finally have a band I can say I knew before they were famous. And I like what I've heard from Portugal..

...but their first (and probably only, as we might unfortunately see) pop hit is just kinda okay? I don't know, I'm just not feeling it. Maybe because they can do much better when they do more psychedelic material, maybe it's because of overplay, maybe I'm just hard to please, I don't really know. I'm glad they have a hit, but at the same time I don't care for it much.

Something Just Like This - The Chainsmokers ft. Coldplay

...is this a joke?

This has to be. Alt radio stations have to realize that something like this (fuck) doesn't fit their playlists, right?

[looks back at the official billboard charts]


The Lungwasters are an act I can't really say much about, because pretty much every other music critic on this planet has already said enough about them than I need to. Coldplay supposedly do something on this, Chris Martin definitely is on here and there's a slice of guitar work in the last repetition of the chorus... that's all they do, I think. That's the only reason I can come up with for how this is on alternative stations.

In other words, this is a fucking fluke, and like a lot of other Nicotineabusers tunes, (that ONE MOTHERFUCKER aside) this doesn't do much for me.

although "Spiderman's control" will never not be funny to me

Suit and Jacket - Judah and the Lion

From a musical standpoint, this is a step up from "Take it All Back".

From a lyrical standpoint, ya'll still garb


So Much to Think - 311

How fitting the date of this chart's publication is, because 311 miraculously still being relevant in 2017 is a pretty funny joke. Okay, now for the serious pick from the charts.

Kill For Candy - DREAMCAR

literally two fucking bands in all caps begin with dream on the exact same chart

For the record, this is much better than the other one, even if that's still a stupid title.

that thumbnail is quite something though



yeah this is another one i had fears about covering

How far can a band rebel against their own fans until they notice how much they fucked up?

I'm still not sure on that.

At this point, a lot of people covered this wtf-ery in depth, so I'll just point out this:

Weezer have made some of the most iconic alternative rock songs of all time, and they still get a lot of airplay as recurrents.

This is playing along with those classics.

Think about that for a bit.

One of Us - New Politics


This right here is a track I can't even have fun writing about. Literally one of the most annoying things I've ever heard on the radio. Why am I still listening to this, get that shit off

High Enough - k.flay

Eh... better than Blood in the Cut but still pretty mediocre. This girl's starting to give me Melanie Martinez vibes. That's never a good thing, not then, especially not now.


High - Sir Sly


From not charting at all to suddenly being just below the Top 20. This must be a big ass jam for that to happen.

...eh, it exists? It fills up space? It can be used as background music in advertisements? Not much to this.

In Cold Blood - alt-J

I like [triangle]. I love "Breezeblocks". "Left Hand Free" never got annoying to me no matter how often it was played. And I will always respect the fact this album's artwork is from LSD: Dream Emulator.

But this isn't a particularly interesting song, I'm sorry. 

[joke about this being how i leave this like a body]


We have a big one starting us off here, folks.


Believer - Imagine Dragons


...I think I can blame this band for single-handedly ruining this entire year, and even the entire decade in alt rock.

The more I think about it, the more I realize how much I despise Imagine Dragons. I look at their discography, and the only songs that sound... I guess passable are Shots and It's Time. Everything else they've done is a towering monument of the very worst aspects of faux-indie... at this point I can't really call anything of their's "rock" because they are so firmly against it . Like, try to tell me how "I Bet My Life" or "On Top of the World" are classifiable even as rock. In the vague sense of the people in the background serving as session musicians, I guess they're at least a band? "Radioactive" is a personal goddamn trigger of mine. I'm not even joking, the second I hear it open up, I try as hard as possible to make sure I hear something else so I don't hear it. This band's shit, their songs are shit, and the soon-to-be-inevitable fact that they'll be considered one of the "definitive rock acts" of the decade based on their commercial success just shows how sad this decade has been for alternative music.

But I will say that in spite of my hatred for them, this song is fucking hilarious.

You can tell they tried to do something with this song. They're really trying. Trying to... do something. All I know is, damn.

The vocal melody is hilariously shit.

The "epic" drumbeat (especially when the song opens. I have a brother who likes these guys and I can conform he thinks the opening is "epic") is hilariously shit.

The lyrics are hilariously shit.

That limp-ass guitar that sort of exists, which kinda makes this somewhat rock(?), is hilariously shit.

Everything about this song is so hilariously shit, I almost respect it. Sadly, in terms of actual quality, this is some absolute booty and is without a doubt at least a contender for the Bottom 10. But holy fuck was this hilarious on the first couple of listens.

Love is Mystical - Cold War Kids


So "Hang Me Out to Dry" is a pretty good song, I'll give you that, Prez. But I don't know, neither First or this really clicks with me. On a side note, their albums are goldmines for awful album art compilations.

So I'll cap one off to you, brotherrrr with a special gift


you're welcome

Rhythm and Blues - The Head and the Heart


Melody's a bit better, but this video's way too stupid for me to take this song seriously. Although I can at least applaud them for at least not doubling-down on Mumford and Sons worship.


Nothing new. Believer went from #30 to #16 in the span of a week, when most of these acts kinda linger around for a while before getting to the top half. That's... not even something considering they may be the most manufactured band of the decade.

(FUCK OFF FEB, 3/4/17)

Heavy - Linkin Park ft. Kiiara

...i knew i would have to cover this at some point when i started this list, god damn it.

Look, I don't like this band's music. I did when I was a kid, yeah, but that's because as a kid you'd hear anything on the radio and like it if the general sound appealed to you. Breaking the Habit is still a good song. That's the only song of theirs that does anything for me.

So... uh, considering how exactly the year went for these guys... yeah, I'm probably gonna look like an asshole in any way I touch this.

Look, I know Chester means an insane amount of influence in a lot of people, and I get it. I get why so many people were affected by the suicide, and I get why this band is important to so many people in their lives.

...but that doesn't change my opinion that this song is poo poo on a platter.

Pork Soda - Glass Animals

"oh, you mean the prim-" stop, renegade

although to be fair this is actually pretty groovy, bass player ain't no claypool but gottta say it does a pretty good jorb at not sucking

okay now will you go away renegade

renegade get out of my blog


Nimble Bastard - Incubus

Incubus are... still around, all right?

I mean, this isn't a bad song, but it just feels surreal to still listen to new Incubus in 2017. I don't have any qualms against their music, but I kind of assumed they simply dried out and broke up years back. This is like an alternate universe where people heavily complain about how Firefly went down the shitter spectacularly in season 2 while still weeping over the sole season of Heroes. Eh?


Reverend - Kings of Leon

Eh, you could go ahead and copy my thoughts on Waste a Moment here.

Good Morning - Grouplove


I genuinely believe Grouplove are a much better band than at least half of all the acts I will cover on this blog, but this really isn't one of their best. Sounds like album filler, and I know this band can do much better.

Ringer - The Unlikely Canidates


wow, this chorus isn't annoying at all!

these guys played at my radio station's festival, Kerfuffle. that is all i know about this band and this song doesn't implore me to look into them.


Green Light - Lorde


I know a huge bias against the poppier tunes that appear on this chart, but really, they just end up feeling forced.

So with that stated, this is a Top 10 lock for the year. Does that say more about Lorde's capabilities or the year's quality in music? You be the judge, but this genuinely didn't need to drop off as fast as it did. Genuine good tune here.

also the keyboards sound like sped-up screamadelica riffs, lol

Where's the Revolution - Depeche Mode


And hey! To give a sudden doubler of sweetness to these lists, new music straight from goddamn Depeche Mode! This is gonna be quite a treat, and... uh...

...oh. Houston, your groceries have not been delivered.

Uh, I don't know how to put it, but my best guess is that they sound like they're getting paid.

What happened to the enthusiasm? I know they're old, have been old, and are stuck being old until death, but... this feels like a contractual obligation than an actual song

goddamn i'm let down


thank you guys, i needed that


Okay, a full forty is out of the way! Let's see what turns up next weekend.

(Goes to Billboard's charts, formerly at 1/7/17, jumps a week to 1/14/17)

...It's the exact same son-oh! Creeped right on me at the end.

Painting (Masterpiece) - Lewis Del Mar

That title is awfully misleading.


admittedly, i couldn't resist saying that. i guess it's not so bad musically. annoying ass voice though

(skips another week to 1/21/17)

All the Pretty Girls - Kaleo

A better tune musically than Way Down We Go, but I still don't feel like this is anything special.

Certified by the charts as a Hot Shot Debut. This debuted at #40. Impressive?

(skips --> 1/28/17)

Cold Cold Cold - Cage the Elephant


Cage the Elephant tend to have a lot of these sort of songs where the shtick is basically "look at us, we're Mellow Gold-era Beck but not", even dating back to their breakthrough. I don't mind most their tunes, but I've always found them to work better with their more psychedelic tunes like Cigarette Daydreams than, say, said breakthrough Ain't No Rest For the Wicked, which I've probably heard in full 156 times by now and can't stand anymore. I guess it's not as annoying as Trouble.

Blame - Bastille


If you aren't aware of it yet, the Alternative Songs chart also serves as life support for the faux-indie one hit wonders (over here at least, i know these guys are much more popular overseas) popping up since the beginning of the decade. This and last year's Good Grief serve as pretty good examples for what I'm trying to say here. I mean, I think you'd like this and that if you liked Pompeii, but I didn't, and these are just kinda okay in my books?

(skips outta Jan, fuck that month. 2/4/17)

Name for You - The Shins

I... don't know how I feel about the Shins. Ultimate example of an act I would enjoy fine in a certain context but I would never put on anytime outside that context. I guess they have good songs but I can't bring myself to specifically get out of my way and listen to them. This doesn't change my opinion.

Hurt Like Hell - The Heydaze

yeah, weird how if you fall it hurts

thanks for the info, but i'm gonna skip to the next song cause this is annoying me deeply and I can't find the way to show how I feel about this


Middle Fingers - MISSIO



I'm sorry, but am I actually supposed to give actual commentary on this? Do I really need to spoonfeed you my opinion on how there is not a single redeeming quality to whatever the fuck is being splattered into my eardrums? This reached #9? People who tolerate this exist?

Actually, you wanna know the worst part about this song? I caught a live set of theirs when I was watching the Austin City Limits livestream, partly because the other channel was devoted to a country act, partly for laughs.

This was one of the better songs in that setlist.

I'm not joking.

They have a song where the hook is "I killed Darth Vader with my motherfucking bass drum".

I gave this band more than enough words. Look at the right dude's beard, that is the embodiment of this shitass turd fart

Down - Marian Hill

oh hey, this song had a name

i don't know how i assumed it was something else when it literally goes downdowndownDOWNdowndown-down-down-down-down-down-downdowndddddowndddowndddownareyoudown [x i don't even know]

but at the same time i'm just glad i'm not talking about goddamn middle fingers, this is catchy and not offensive to the human brain

i will say though

middle fingers doesn't have a kidz bop version

like, what the fuck

Hot Thoughts - Spoon


Okay, so as you've probably guessed, a lot of my reviews are basically going "i don't like this, i don't like that, i don't care for either, i'm sick of these songs playing everywhere, my only reaction i have is middle fingerFUCKHOWDIDITGETINMYHEADAGAIN"

So then an actual good song comes along. And, uh... it's actually really good. Damn good. What the fuck? I thought this was intended as a masochistic torture session for me, similar to when I listened to all those really really shit songs i got from rateyourmusic but no, I have this great fucking song out the fuck from nowhere and actually get a really nice amount of airplay? Is this a joke?

Probably not, whatever. Really good song, this is actually the first track I can listen to and think "I'd want to hear that again on my own." I know this isn't gonna last for doubles, though, and...

The Full Retard - El-P

Oh hell fucking yeah this is enough for me to forgive that Middle Fingers crap! I'm not sure why exactly this is charting now and on this chart, but since that Empire of the Sun track became a hit 8 years, and the 2013 alternative year-end chart was stockpiled with pop tunes, I'll take what I can get. Anyway, El, as always, absolutely rips it up on the mic and proves why he's one of my favorite MC's (and producers, don't forget that) as of late. That this even charted on any chart at all, is nothing short of baffling, let alone... the alternative... rock... chart... wait.

okay the actual charting song is "Lost On You" by someone who goes by the stage name LP. Same pronunciation but completely different. I'm a full retard myself.


So instead of Producto blasting lyric about how the earth gon be fucked one day (as he usually does), you get something that doesn't sound any different from any millennial pop song from the radio.

What else should I have expected?


Sweet Disaster - DREAMERS



Like, this isn't the worst song of the year, but this is definitely a bottom 10 lock. Holy fuck, these lyrics are ass.


Drifting like it's 1974
Dressing like the rolling stones
Hey! Ho! Let's go get some more
Like young Ramones

Dreaming like it's 1984
Dancing like the talking heads
Last call 40's at the corner store to take to bed

All two of the verses in full show that I could... get more things at the local Seven Elven because they remind me of dadrock better bands. Thanks, Tom.


And so it goes, we found our sweet disaster
In a river of champagne
Swimming through the morning after
We float away

So... where does the "disaster" part come in? Do you associate them with the sea because the sea birthed Godzilla?

Oh yeah... the bridge connecting the verses and the chorus...


Some nights feel like every night
This one feels brand new
Only got bad things on my mind
When I'm with you

You do realize what you're trying to imply in this situation, right?

Actually, I just realized I accidentally forgot part of the second verse, oops.


Passed out in your dirty clothes
Ask me what the hell I'm looking for
Like you don't know
You're making it so easy
To throw myself away

...God fucking dammit. 

If this tune's instrumentation was kinda decent I wouldn't even mind, but this is sterile. Sounds like the Imagine Dragons/Twenty One Pilots sound is the new post-grunge, and this is it's Theory of a Deadman (AH FUCK I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THEM IN THE FUTURE, SHIT).  Did I say Bottom 10? Bottom fucking 5, changing that.

Shine - Mondo Cozmo

The name just rolls off your tongue, huh

...that statement is all i have to say for this song, i'm sorry, it's just another thing that exists

Vowels - Capital Cities

So it turns out a lot of their stuff is similar to their big hit.


Human - Rag'n'Bone Man


Okay, so I was up in Scotland over spring break, and I will say that the DnB'd up version playing on KISS every half-hour was kinda nice, while the original version that played all the time over here... is really boring.

Actually, fuck this song for a bit, I just want to talk about how I was a bit excited to listen to KISS, at one point a rave-focused pirate radio station (which by themselves I'm fascinated by) that got so popular, it managed to become a legit station by 1990... and considering how independently-funded radio stations are a rarity even in the states, I'm not even sure why I expected much in the first place. Like, do I even need to mention the "hardcore sellout" phase after corporations take notice? It's just a slightly-dance-focused pop station nowadays, and while the pop songs over there are at least a little better than over here, to say it's a far cry from their former reputation is underselling it.

So... I guess they aren't broadcasting the broadest beats in London anymore, in spite of what my copy of Coldcut's 70 Minutes of Madness mix says. Wah wah wah.

Also, before I leave, [joke about Rag'n'Bone Man, popular for the song Human, appearing on a track on the deluxe edition of the new Gorillaz album Humanz]

Highway - Bleeker


Eh... just kind of a generic song here. Break all the rules, or something? Woooooooo.

Bang Bang - Green Day

One would say that this is kind of a step back for these guys, but at this point I'm glad they're back to just making whatever they feel like without added bullshit involving huge epic statements about the Bush administration and demons and dadrock and whipcracks and shit

Like, that concept album shtick did eventually make them turn out this, y'know.

I'm just glad we're not talking about that, that's all I'm saying. Because... holy fuck would I have a field day talking about that.

Anyway this tune sounds like what they do best, even if it's not as strong as their 90's material. I can roll with it.

Latchkey Kids - Silversun Pickups

I don't hate this band, in fact I wouldn't really say any of their songs are bad, but I've never been able to get over how they misfired and spat out their best right at the start.

This is one of my personal favorite songs of all time. Everything about it is a masterwork of everything that should be in an alternative rock song. Also, Rock Band 2 memories.

Nobody should have a song this expertly crafted as their breakthrough, because it's just going to make everything you release from that point on pale in comparison. Their other songs (okay, Panic Switch is also pretty exceptional) aren't really so much bad as much as they fail to live up to the hype that Lazy Eye promised. This isn't different. 

SIlvertongue - Young the Giant


Oh yeah, Young the Giant... I remember them from when I watched MTV Hits all the time during Summer 2011. I remember that video quite well, actually. It was quite simplistic in it's choice of color, but it was definitely colorful. Bonus points to exposing me to death by hanging when I was just getting out of elementary school.

...wait, I'm thinking of that Tyler, the Creator video again.

Why can't I discuss how this was the year he managed to put out an album that for once, wasn't a mixed bag?

but wait they also had this little boring slog also in rotation

so... I don't really know why I remember these guys getting played a lot, maybe I wasn't tired of this sound yet?

oh yeah, this. it's an improvement, but i still don't have much of a reason to keep talking about it.

Same Old Blues - Phantogram

So I'll stop!

But this doesn't really resonate with me. I didn't like You Don't Get Me High Anymore when it was on the radio, and I don't have big feelings one way or the other for this.

...and I thought I liked their first album!

Snow Cats - AFI


This is dull. At least when American Foghorns Incorporated switched from nu-age Misfits to yet another Hot Topic band, they at least had some energy to their songs. This is just... actually kinda fitting for the first batch, honestly.

So meet me next time, where I'll discuss... things... whenever that comes out... oh...


Hymn for the Weekend - Coldplay

I've mentioned before that my feelings on Coldplay are... mixed. Simply put, I find their first three albums containing some of the finest pop rock of the 2000's... and everything after Vida la Vida (which i can take or leave) I find easily disposable. And... this isn't any different. I think the only real joy I got from this album was the unintentional hilarity of the Adventure of a Lifetime music video. I'd actually want to do this deep philosophical post about that... marvel (?) of a video than this.

Roll Up - Fitz and the Tantrums

...okay, I owe both Adventure of a Lifetime and Sure and Certain a huge apology.

Conglaturation! You have now gained the Guiness World Record for "First Video To Be Made In MovieStarPlanet.com"! Now go and rest our heroes!

Musically... what the hell is that opening? What am I supposed to feel about that?

Oh yeah, right, the song itself... this and Handclap are deep drops in quality from Out of my League. I thought I was rooting for these guys?

Tearing Me Up - Bob Moses

This is the first song on the charts I haven't heard, and...

...it's okay? I think I'm kind of blacked out by the wtf-ness of the last one to give a concise consensus, but... it's not bad?

Wish I Knew You - The Revivalists

Definitely a nice change of pace. Resembles a song from 2015, I don't have a problem with that. I will say though I think I've heard this a bit too much on the radio.

Heavydirtysoul - twenty one pilots

As I stated before, I actually think that the way it starts up with the breakbeat drums is pretty good... and then just succumbs to being kinda okay the instant it slows down about 30 seconds in. Like, if I was doing this, I'd keep the drums for the whole running time and add a wicked baseline to it, kind of making it a dnb tune played on real instruments... but I guess it wouldn't be that marketable?

Wild Horses - Bishop Briggs

I've not heard this before doing this project either, but I remember when "River" was literally forced onto the charts by iHeartRadio's shameless promotional bumpers playing it in full during breaks before the DJ's went "oh yeah, this song exists as a real song" and kept spamming that uninteresting, patch of dirt of a song. This is... a kinda different patch of dirt but still a patch of dirt nevertheless, minus me being forced onto it. The instrumentation's a bit better from the slight genre change-up?

Oxygen - Dirty Heads

This is actually the most tolerable Dirty Heads song I've heard. This is literally saying nothing, as I find Dirty Heads to house some of the all-time worst songs of the last three years I've listened to the radio. It just so happens that the first Dirty Heads song of this year happens to be a simply average song.

My Name is Human - Highly Suspect

What mother would call their spouse "Human"? Was she a robot?

Oh yeah, the song. It's okay. I prefer "Lydia" by a slight bit. Both are fine.

On Hold - The XX

While I think Jamie's a pretty good producer, his band's always kind of stricken to me as "that band who use any indie cliche they can find". And mind you, I'm not even talking about faux-indie. Most of their songs seem pretty legit to me, but I still don't think much of them.

Really, this is a fine band. It's just that they don't interest me whatsoever.

Cocoon - Milky Chance

You guys really want to soundtrack a car commercial, don't you?

For the record, I do like this better than Stolen Dance, which I just can't stand anymore after being subjected to it hundreds of times over the last couple of years... but I still can't get past the dude's voice, I'm sorry.


Okay, that was immature of me, but seriously, what was I supposed to say about something so lifeless? This Top 10 has literally one song in it that I would actually want to listen to more than once on my own, and these are the ones you'd hear on a consistent basis, for crying out loud! I swear, if this next song is another goddamn Mumford and Sons ripoff, I'm gonna tear a hole in my wall.

High and Low - Empire of the Sun


Well, that was pretty close, poor wall.

Basically just a rewrite of Walking on a Dream, a song that I forgot to mention in my highlights of 2016 because I kind of have more memories of it being in Forza Horizon than it being on the radio (I guess it also helps that it only managed to become a radio hit in the first place through that car commercial... and was also originally released in 2008 lmao). Mind you, Walking on a Dream is a very clear highlight in the otherwise bland nature of alternative electropop, and this isn't even that blatant of a rewrite.

But it still feels like a rewrite, and the sad thing is that a rewrite of an already existing song is currently my personal favorite on the charts. Hopefully this means we can progress to the good stuff.

Cleopatra - The Lumineers

god dammit they duped me yet again

I literally cannot fathom why Mumford and Sons wannabes (and I know it's not really right to call them that but how else should I refer to them?) are as prevalent as they are on this chart. I don't even think Mumford and Sons are that good to begin with, quite honestly. Maybe folk in general isn't really my thing, but I've always found their music dull and uninteresting. But this is beyond dull, it goes straight to annoyance. Why would anyone want this?

Talk Too Much - COIN

Most disco-influenced rock tracks are better on paper than in practice, and this isn't an exception. I can't even remember anything outside of the chorus after just listening to it again.

Move - Saint Motel


"My Type" played at 33 RPM. For the record, I thought that "My Type" was good boogie-in-your-underpants music, but this is pretty one-note.

Somebody Else - The 1975


This is the one that crossed over? I thought "The Sound" was the bigger hit?

But anyway, I appreciate how chill and aesthetic this song is and stuff, it's bretty good

wait, aren't most aesthetic things chill, what am I even saying at this point

Go Robot - Red Hot Chili Peppers



what the fuck are you doing

I said a while back on a post on SBM how I prefer the RHCP stuff they made before OHM (and including) than after, but I at least made sure to mention the later stuff is at least good in the context of being a completely different band. How do I even respond to these guys trying to do disco? Is a song about how everyone is a robot designed for sex really something Kiedis needed to convey? Isn't he in his mid-50's? Was this a stylistic choice by Danger Mouse? Why is vanilla ice cream white when vanilla extract is brown?

I have many questions about this, but I doubt the answers make much sense.

Sure and Certain - Jimmy Eat World

For a Jimmy Eat World song, this is pretty damn underwhelming. So underwhelming, I'd rather talk about that video. What the fuck is it, who thought that it was a good idea, and why does it exist? I'd like to know.

Fire Escape - Andrew McMahon In The Wilderness

One of the all-time worst stage names aside, most ("High Dive" aside, which is actually pretty good) of this dude's music sounds pretty same-y and not for me. Look, I get that this dude's struggle with leukemia is inspiring to many, and it is inspiring. But his music just kinda exists.

7 - Catfish and the Bottlemen


I assume this band is meant to act as a placeholder for teenage Arctic Monkeys fans?

Not even a bad song, but while I could forgive some of the Mumford and Sons... followers (is that better?) because at this point they've become their own genre, this band isn't even remotely subtle about who they're ripping off (although to be fair, Soundcheck and Kathleen are probably stronger examples of this). The Sunny Day Real Estate song of the same name is much better, I'll put it that way.

We Don't Know - The Strumbellas


And I don't know why exactly "Spirits" was worth rewriting all over again, that right there was a song that got pretty dull pretty fast.

And in this case, they didn't even change up the speed or anything with their sound, they just decided to make another Spirits.

And I really can't say much about this, as a result of that.

And I'm really not sure why there's a Street Fighter II theme in this video, like what the fuck does that have to do with the song

And I know I keep mentioning them, but seriously, this is like the fifth one of them bland folksters



so uh

since i promised i would

i did it guys

i don't care i did it when the year ended but i'm doing


Anyway, I always have a radio on when I go to sleep, reasons mainly being it supports my slumber. This practice started mid-2014, where I had up Mix 106.5, a Top 40 station I eventually had to stop listening to in late January of 2015 because it was getting insanely repetitive (and the songs sucked, too). I ended up settling on DC101. I still have fond memories of Left Hand Free playing every half hour and hoping that the station didn't pick the FUCKING Dirty Heads song (foreshadowing, here). Even if it had a decent amount of tunes just kinda there ("Long Way Down", "S.O.B", both X Ambassadors songs seriously were they the result of a random number generator giving popularity to a selected group), it still had quite a number of tunes to do fine slumber to.

That lasted until midway 2016... at that point, it became very repetitious. It seemed like the songs just came and went with no real distinctiveness to them. Still, there were diamonds in the rough, like the new Green Day songs and surprising potential in acts like Nothing but Thieves, Foals, and Bear Hands. That being said, there was a noticeable change-up in the hits-to-misses ratio, and I have a hard time remembering a lot of songs from that year at the top of my head.

And 2017... oh. Man, was this year not good. At some point between these two years, the amount of "we're totally indie even though we're signed to a major label and have been since our debut, which dropped the same hit that got us to chart in the first place, but forget that shit WE'RE INDIE GAIIIIIIIIIZ!!!!!!" bands and electropop that uses slightly darker tones than pop radio drastically increased their presence on the charts. I'm tired and sick of all these generic-ass nobodies, and I can't even do anything about it, or at least until EDM stations start popping up and I'd have something else to talk about. It's definitely gonna help my sleep better, at least, although probably not much better considering that EDM has kinda become a byword for watered-down prog-electro-house. But hey, maybe it'd have a couple gems, like the few good songs from this year.

Oh yeah, maybe those are worth talking about, or something. At least, a dozen people (maybe) might pay attention to me talking about the top 10 or 20.

But that's not enough for me! Instead of just talking about the stuff guaranteed to get played if you keep an eye on the station, I'm going to be talking about EVERYTHING that charted on that chart this year! So yeah, even if it literally just charted at #40 for a week, I'll talk about it. Be prepared for a lot of waiting between these entries, I'm gonna need a while to catch up.

I've considered doing things like this for other years of alternative rock stations on Billboard, until I figured that the chance of anyone actually remembering a deep cut from a decade ago was even less than covering one right now. Also, that would probably mean subjecting myself to more Nickelback and their ilk than anyone should really consider.

So with that all said, 2017 really got off to a bright start with one of the single most brilliantly written and expertly crafted songs of the year!

Take It All Back - Judah and The Lion

...and also a really fitting title for what I just said.

Yeah, uh... this is awful. Let's see if I can sum up this whole song for you:

"Look, we're the absolute best when we do our shtick together, how we come up with just the wackiest ideas for our sound, and we seem to have nothing ever doing anything to us!

...but you know, if anything does ever happens to us, whatever it is, I'll [title]!"

And for how admittedly eclectic this sound is, it's dull as shit. There's nothing grabbing about this song whatsoever regardless of ambition (if there is one to begin with), and I repeat:

This is the first #1 of the year.

Hopefully the #2 is better?

Waste a Moment - Kings of Leon

I mean... average is at least an improvement from terrible, right?

I still find plenty to like from Leon's first two albums, but this is simply kinda bland if we're being honest. This is a song, watch it come, watch it go, watch the time, watch the tapes, watch the evening news, watch your watch, watch it simply fade as all time passes by.

In other words, writing overlong sentences is more fun than listening to it, but it's not offensive?

Still Breathing - Green Day

Ah hey, I saw them in concert earlier this year. Good show, it was.

As for this song itself, it's good. Not an all-time classic. Not as good as Bang Bang. I don't even remember if it was played at the show or not. But I like it alright, it's fine with me. You can tell they've kinda done this for a long while.

She's Out Of Her Mind - Blink-182

literally the third goddamn time they're doing this same exact video concept, and at the same time missing the entire point of the original video, what the fuck

For the record, I prefer Skiba over DeLonge. But this is just kind of background noise. Nothing really special here.

...and what's with the random Bauhaus reference? Don't you guys realize the Hot Topic crowd only wear those shirts because they fit a false aesthetic of rebellion and not because they have any interest in the music itself?

Heathens - twenty one pilots


so lemmie take you back to 2015

The first time I heard these guys was through Tear in My Heart, which I thought at the time, in spite of the daft lyrics, was nice to hear every now and then. Kind of reminded me of Hot Hot Heat to an extent, and I liked Hot Hot Heat. In other words, I wasn't minding of another hit.

And... nothing has been able to reach it's heights. The closest was Heavydirtysoul, and that might only be because i like those drums that go fast, always good with exceptions of the drums at the start. Of the songs that followed, I've found each one to get progressively worse than the last.

And this.... ugh.....

This right here is the aural definition of puffing out your own chest to make yourself seem tougher than you are. At least Suicide Squad itself was an interesting kind of bad. Not good by any stretch of the imagination, but I imagine lots of fun occurs with high or drunk friends. I hate almost every single aspect of this song. Who listened this and thought "Yeah, that chipmunk voice in the chorus works"? Did nobody consult Tyler and tell him that "you'll have some weird people sitting next to you" (and the other variants) isn't threatening and only unintentionally funny at best? The tune itself fits every synonym for lifeless and drab. To top it all off,  they actually make the decision to include "WATCH IT" chants after every bar. I did, and it wasn't fucking good you bastards. Although to be fair, that's probably more Goyer and Snyder's fault than your's.

so uh, i don't like how all of their friends are eating steak and snow

Trouble - Cage the Elephant


Objectively, this isn't a particular stinker, but my god, I am so fucking sick of this. This plays all the damn time, and it wasn't even that compelling the first time. SHUT.

Anyway, this is boring. Again.

Blood In The Cut - k.flay


Yeah, any semblances between these too two songs is enough for me to throw this in the trash can. Even then, I feel like I've heard this same exact thing over and over again from much better people.

Way Down We Go - Kaleo


At one point a DJ on the station called these guys the most successful act from Iceland, either since or including Bjork. If Wikipedia is right, Bjork has charted thrice, Kaleo has charted twice (I don't remember my station playing the other one, though). I mean, it's good to have national diversity on the charts and all?

That is literally the only thing I can comment about this song. It's just wannabe Mumford and Sons. Woo? Can we at least get some variety on this thing?

All We Ever Knew - The Head and the Heart


I swear, you could make a bingo chart out of all the faux-indie cliches in this song. I realized how much times I've said a song is boring or uninteresting and you're probably sick of me saying that, but when you have all of these songs stacked up against each other, and they all sound the same, can you blame me?

I swear, if this next one's literally another one of these songs, I'm just not gonna write anything and leave it hanging until I do the next batch.

Ophelia - The Lumineers




Okay, this is a repost from one of my SBM blog thingies, but I really feel like I should repeat my stance here, considering both the introduction of blogs and just how ridiculous the topic is.


plus, I need to owe something to everybody for not making that rebuttal against coyoterants


If you haven't guessed from that title, I'm about to go into something EmperorLemon related. In this case, I have an interesting relationship with the fellow. When I first saw one of his poops, (in particular Krusty Krustacean's Kantankerous Kommercial) I liked it, but didn't love it. Then I saw his Incredibles poop. I found it hilarious bar the utterly depressing ending. As from there, I gradually became a huge fan of him. The admittedly stale Frying Nemo series kind of lowered my interest in him, but then he made the third episode of Admiral Ackbar's Traptastic Sextravaganza, which I still consider one of my favorite poops of all time. From there, it was all but expected for Lemon to not live up to that poop.


What I didn't expect from him, however, was for him to stop even trying.


This isn't that Ackbar was so good, it made his future videos pale in comparison. No, the videos after Ackbar were, even as standalone poops, baddddddd, showcasing a once-promising pooper turn into a huge attention whore. His jackass behavior only needs to be showcased through his twitter account. All of this eventually came to a tee with an utterly confusing video where I can certainly say he has lost his mind.




I don't get it either.


Let it be known that throughout this decline, he has increasingly taken potshots towards the decently-populated YTP forum, YouChew. These potshots... are very much created to start shit. This has gotten to the point where recently, this happened.


Getting to the chase, he created this 12-page rant on his views of the site. It's probably the funniest thing he's ever created after Ackbar. I mean, it even begins with the exact faces everyone who reads it should have.


Posted Image
My sediments exactly.


Now first of all, 90 percent of you guys right now are probably wondering “who or what in the blue hell is Youchew?”


I just explained it, buttmunch.


Youchew is a YouTube Poop based forum where members discuss and examine poops, poopers, techniques, sources. And conceptually, this idea is FUCKING GREAT.


Admittedly, I might be kind of biased here seeing as I am also a member of the Chew, and it is a great site imo. However, I'll try to not let my bias go too far.


If you didn’t catch on by now, YTPs are weird. Really weird. They’re so weird that it’s difficult to find other people who both enjoy and produce YouTube Poops, but since this is the internet, these people exist.


They're so weird, he hasn't even found an alternate adjective for them yet!


And for many years, Youchew was the site in which lovers of this emergent remix culture would congregate and exchange ideas. 
“Hey guys, check out this new vidya I made”
“Woah dude, that’s really cool!”
“Hey! Check out this new dude I discovered, his stuff is great!”
Yes! Yes! Yes! This is fucking great! A place where people actually talk about these weird videos?


Wow, even when you're being serious, you're still sounding like a tool.


It’s important to note that while making this rant that I don’t hate Youchew.


Then why is this a RANT IN ALL CAPS oh right it's to reference the leafy fiasco hohoho


I think it has always had the potential to be one of the greatest gifts to the YTP Universe. A place where people can openly collaborate and discuss ideas about YouTube Poops. You see, for the longest time, YTP has been one of the few things on the internet that is fairly well known, yet people rarely talk about it.


"fairly well-known"
For the record, the first three results when you search for "youtube poop" in the YouTube search bar and have it set to the most viewed videos aren't even Youtube Poops at all. (DON'T DO THAT IF YOU'RE CURIOUS) It's extremely rare when a poop gets 3 million views, let alone 5.


YTP doesn’t really have a presence on popular sites like reddit or tumblr. If you want to discuss YTP with strangers on the internet, Youchew was really the only option.


>Youchew is the only option for anybody to even speak a lick of YTP


Well, uh, you go with that.


And therein lies the problem, because 
It’s not a good forum
It’s not a bad forum
It’s THE forum for talking about YouTube Poop.


No other forum can talk about YTPs, apparently.


Other alternative forums have sprung up over the years however they all quickly died out, because for YTP forums, Youchew is the OG. It’s been around the longest, and it will be around the longest. It’s the only place to go to talk about YTP.


Except for simply okayillstop


And for many years, this was okay. Youchew was one of the most progressive places


feminist joke


and used to be THE place to find out the newest memes, the hottest new styles, sources, etc. I never actually had a Youchew account,


...wait, repeat that.


I never actually had a Youchew account,


...You made an entire rant on a website that you don't really go to.


I fear this is foreshadowing for what's to come.


but I would always read through the newest posts to remain informed on the current events.


Just to spoil things, he only looks at one subforum for all the examples you're going to see. The forum's no stranger to subforums, either.


But over the years, something profoundly changed with the Youchew forums. The site as a whole


"as a whole" is going to be operative throughout this rant. In actuality, this stuff only takes place IN the subforum he browses.


became a lot more cynical. Rather than accepting and promoting the newest sources and styles, a greater and greater majority of members began to mock them. Those who were once at the cutting edge of YTP techniques soon resembled grizzled veterans who were no longer willing to change with the times.


Or rather, they're referring to your style.


This started out as just a few people, however since many of them were some of the most popular and respected people on the site, their cynicism began to overpower some of the more progressive opinions of newer members. Now, this whole process happened fairly gradually, over the course of a few years. It was during this time when the general attitude of the site began to go downhill.


As in, including the parts of the site you don't even go on? I'd at least check out every part of a forum before I'd rant about their spoiled pickles or some other weird reason.


There is a psychological concept known as group polarization. It dictates that in a group of people, the general group opinions will gradually become more and more extreme through time. In the case of Youchew, this was due to a feedback loop of negativity. As the older members at the top of the site became more numerous, they began to influence the opinion of the younger members to share their cynicism for the newer YTP scene. Those who disagreed either left the forums or said nothing for fear of public humiliation from the older members.


Like how you're influencing your fans to believe your horse crap you wrote?


With each passing month, the Youchew forum discussion became more opinionated, homogenous, and inhospitable to new members. With fewer newcomers to change prevailing opinions, the old guard gained even more influence; and the cycle continued to the point where Youchew basically killed their own forums. Now, the once flourishing “poop talk” subforum resembles a shell of its former self. Whatever discussion happens there is sparse, for one because there are very few members left to discuss anything and if they do, they are all in agreement over the topic [considering anybody with dissenting opinions either doesn’t speak or has left the site] so whatever discussion there is falls flat on its face.


Ironically enough, people on YouChew were divided on this. In particular, they switched between providing simple feedback and just mocking it for all it's worth. To be an original, I do both.


Compared to the glory of what this site once was, the state of the Youchew forums in 2016 is a fucking tragedy.


Even though all the examples you're about to use for this are from 2015 or earlier.


And I witnessed all of this happen, slowly and gradually. Like watching a patient with a degenerative muscular disease slowly lose all of their mobility. But up until recently, I always maintained a bit of optimism over the future of the site, wishing that one day, it would turn around.
However, one prevailing theme within the modern Youchew forums soured my opinion on the site. I used to link people to the Youchew forums in my channel description. Something made me stop.


You realized you didn't want to chew poop anymore? (For reference, the site was called YouChewPoop back in the day)


“What?” you may ask? Well, it’s a long, complicated issue which I have pondered for quite some time now, and today, I’m going to try to explain it to you guys to the best of my ability.


Now, it’s important to note that for some time now, the Youchew forums and I have been at odds. The hostilities have been escalating for a while, and many personal gripes have remained unspoken until this point. However, after uploading my latest video, the feud has reached a point where it can no longer be ignored. Whether you consider this rant as burying the hatchet or burning the bridge is irrelevant; the point is that I am ending this unrest right here, right now so that I may finally be at peace with myself. With that being said, let me begin telling my personal story with Youchew.net.


The story of a site you didn't even make an account for, might I add.


As far as I could tell, in the beginning, the members of Youchew had a generally positive opinion of me. This was about the time when my channel began to initially excel in popularity in late 2013. Then, over the next year or so, I could see the general opinion of me change. Each successive time I was mentioned in the discussion, statements about me were becoming less and less positive, even though I felt that the overall quality of my work had stayed about the same. The Youchew opinion officially turned on me in mid 2015 after I uploaded Deep Frying Nemo. A video which, I remind you, I worked harder on than any video I had created previously. I tuned in to the forums shortly after uploading it and found a cast of Youchew members absolutely lambasting the video. There was not one positive review, not one person came to my defense.


I'm reading this paragraph right here as "I made a really fucking boring poop, but I worked hard on it, so nobody has the right to criticize it!"


Now, at this point, you’re probably ready to jump on my back saying how petty I am for now being able to handle the smallest bit of criticism. Let me get one thing straight, right now. I do not mind whether or not people criticize me, as long as you do so you conduct yourself in a respectful and informed manner. The people on those forums who criticized that video had every right to do so. If I were in a perfect world, everyone would like everything I produce, but I do not live in that world. Criticism is to be expected and I completely accept the idea of people criticising me.
However, that does not change the fact that the response I got on that website that day was completely disheartening. It was at this point that my entire perspective on the role of Youchew in the YTP scene completely changed. Keep in mind, this overwhelmingly negative reaction from Youchew was in complete contrast to a stunningly positive reaction from my general YouTube audience. I attempted to mentally account for this dissonance, and I came to the conclusion that at that point, the majority of Youchew forum members were really out of touch with the general YTP audience. But this is just the beginning. Not only has Youchew completely alienated the popular YTP scene, they have begun to openly reject and resent it.


So you say you'll take it when people are "criticising" you even though you say in the very next paragraph that you're depressed by it?


I'm, err, confused by this.


Consider this question: Which of the most popular YouTube Poopers over the past three years are also active Youchew members? Think about it.


I've seen Geibuchan, Trudermark, even WarlusGuy pop up on the forums and be active. There you go.


If you have observed the names on the front page of “YouTube Poop” on the YouTube search engine, guys like cartoonlover, Mobros, Trudermark, Awful Fawful, Master Poop, Numberer1, Poops4theWorld, Goop Videos and myself, NONE of these names are Youchew members, YET they have been at the forefront of popular YTP for years now.


I thought Cartoonlover said in a Q&A that he did have a YouChew account, he just never used it?


Also, as I just stated, Truder has a YouChew account, and so do Goop and Fawful.


But the real thing I have a problem with this bit, however, is that it indicates that to him, the most popular poopers are good. In fact, guess what the next paragraph attempts to do?


At this point, it is vital that you do not misconstrue what I am trying to say. I can already hear you thinking about how ignorant I am for thinking that a greater subscriber count indicates a better YouTube Pooper. This is NOT what I am saying. Read the last few lines over again, I have said nothing about the quality of these people’s poops. I am only argue with EMPIRICAL EVIDENCE that these YouTube Poopers have had the most views and subscribers out of anybody over the past few years, and it is a fact that NONE of them are active Youchew members. How can it be that a site which seemingly breeds new poopers could see NONE of them rise to mainstream popularity? There is only one explanation I can think of to support this evidence; and that is, whether they admit it or not, that the people of Youchew resent popularity and success.




"Yeah, I'm not judging things based on popularity. Instead, I'll judge a forum I never had an account on, using a single subforum, using mostly posts over at least a year old, about popularity."


There is one name that I left out of my list earlier, and that is the most well known pooper of all, cs188.


>The most well known pooper of all


Erm, there might be a flaw in that argument. People like WarlusGuy or DeeperCutt might one-up him in terms of influence? There's no doubt cs188 isn't influential, but he's not really that essential to understand Poops.


A person who took the popularity of YTP to unprecedented levels, spreading the joy and confusion of YTP to more people than ever before. Oddly enough, I found that he does have a Youchew account, but he stopped posting in June of 2014.
What made him stop? Oh, the same thing that happened to me. More Youchew people disrespecting him in spite of his enormous contributions to this community.


Oh hey, we're actually about to get a picture of what happens here!


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Oh, you’re the number one most subscribed YouTube Pooper in America? Yeah, we don’t want you here. Keep making your shitty sex jokes you mainstream asshole.


This time that wasn't me with the caption. He's starting to become more annoying than his ear rape, now that I think about it.


But also, the fact that he has several likes on his post proves that it's just Stuart K. Reilly going on one of his tangents again.


They hate popular sources too. Clearly the most maligned source in the eyes of the Youchewers is a little television show by the name of Spongebob Squarepants.


Wait, isn't this a spongebob si


It’s actually kind of comical how much they hate this source, as I have witnessed multiple threads get shut down simply because the “fuck spongebob” circlejerk got out of control. I don’t give a fuck what you think, there is NO DOUBT that Spongebob is the most prolific YouTube Poop source of all time. I don’t care how much you fap to CDI or Adventures of Sonic the retarded Hedgehog. It is INDISPUTABLE that SPONGE BOB is the most recognizable and accessible YouTube Poop source in history. You can literally look up “Youtube Poop” in Google RIGHT NOW and “Youtube Poop Spongebob” will be THE FIRST autocomplete result. I never really understood people’s disdain for this source. One of the most popular cartoons of the early 2000s also happens to be one of the most widely used YouTube Poop sources. If you think about it, it actually makes PERFECT SENSE! Despite this completely logical summation, the people of Youchew believe that the little yellow Sponge is the scourge of the YTP world, and that any poop or pooper who uses the source should immediately lose all of their credibility for being a mainstream sellout. Never mind the fact that many of today’s YouTube Poopers grew up watching Spongebob (Including me!), and their first exposure to YTP was through the source of Spongebob (Including me!); Youchew will attest that Spongebob YTPs are all mediocre, and they are only made by view-grabbing whores.


Oh, wow.


1) It's a bunch of crock that YouChew "hates" SpongeBob. For the record, one of the highest rated videos of this very month, one that cracked the top ten of the Billboard type thing they have is a SpongeBob Poop.
2) SpongeBob isn't so much a "scourge" rather than just being hit-or-miss among the community.
3) You're using that popularity factor again.
4) You sound like a 9-year-old when your parents aren't looking with your writing. For someone who was perfectly calm at the beginning of this, you certainly are easy to piss off.
5) I thought that the CD-i cutscenes themselves were the most highly popular sources for poop?


That right there is five reasons why you need to improve your writing skills. Yeah, five. Five dollar. FIVE DOLLAR FOOTLONGS


In reality, Spongebob has only recently declined as a source in wake of heightened copyright claims and takedowns. Speaking of copyright, remember that day in 2015 when a bunch of popular YTP channels all got terminated in one DMCA onslaught? You want to know what Youchew’s response was to that?




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Oh, good riddance. We don’t have to watch Spongebob poops anymore.


Again, that's not me.


Waymu responded to this rant by pointing out this:




As for Stuart, he was just being Stuart.


One of my friends in the YouTube Poop community, coolcat001100, has survived the most Viacom channel takedowns of any person I know. I think his channel was terminated 4 times to date, and each time he returned. It’s, frankly, pretty fucking amazing. He’s experienced with tackling YouTube copyright claims now, but it wasn’t always like that. One of the first times his channel was taken down, he attempted to seek help from our favorite forum Youchew!



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Big mistake, Coolcat! That’s what ya get for making Spongebob poops, asshole! And oh, what do ya know? Coolcat is a popular YouTube Pooper as well! Who would have thought?


That's still not me.


This doesn't have anything to do with SpongeBob.


CoolCat actually has a pretty positive reception on YouChew if you look around.


He was kind of being a bit rude, I admit, but that's starting to stretch the truth a bit.


It’s also interesting to note that there is actually one mainstream pooper that the people of Youchew actually like, and that’s Awful Fawful. And considering the amount pure effort she puts into her videos, you would have to have a brain hemorrhage not to find them impressive.


I thought you said that she wasn't an example of a member?


HOWEVER, the forum still managed to piss her off to the point where she left and never returned. It’s a pretty funny story actually. For those of you who don’t know, Fawful is transgender and she identifies as a female. She changed the pronouns on here chewiki article to reflect this, the brilliant admins at Youchew decided to change them back to the masculine variants. (Not exactly the best decision).




As a matter of fact, Fawful was so insulted by this that she never returned! Congratulations Youchew, the only mainstream pooper you guys actually like now hates you!


For one, MassimoV isn't a mod. For seconds, look at the post count. She hardly even was a member. For thirds, the Chewiki page DOES use "she" and "her." For fourths, you're fat, wait for your stomach to tell you you're full.


The story doesn’t end here. As you can see, over the past couple of years, the people of Youchew have seemingly made it their duty to dodge any possible opportunity to ingratiate themselves with the popular YouTube Poopers. But how do they treat new poopers before they get popular? Well look no further than the case of one of my newest friends in the YouTube Poop community, Goop Videos!


Err, no, again, they don't care about how popular a pooper is before he/she poops.


I just realized how awkward bits of this are going to sound out of context.


You know, I actually got to meet him in New York City, and it was a really fun experience. 
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Truly, this is the greatest ship of our generation.


Oh by the way, big shout out to Waymu for your totally warranted and supportive comment!
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Already explained the situation with Waymu above.


Another fun-loving Youchew regular I see! It feels great to be reminded of my crippling social anxiety in what should otherwise be a really happy moment in my life! What excellent class, exhibited by the legendary YouTube Pooper Waymu! LET’S ALL GIVE HIM A ROUND OF APPLAUSE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. MAN, I CAN’T STOP RUNNING INTO THIS OVERFLOWING YOUCHEW HOSPITALITY!


>crippling social anxiety


Along with taking that comment wayyyyy too seriously, you never mentioned until right now that you apparently were suffering from anxiety? We're two thirds in, for crying out loud.


And yes.


We have another third left.


To continue, like any aspiring, up-and-coming pooper; Goop was attempting to gain some traction through none-other than the Youchew forums! I wonder how this turns out? (Have you been reading this rant?)


He made a few collab entries before he got bored, I guess?


That’s right! The kind people of Youchew absolutely shat on him to the point where he left the forum and never came back!
[had to use link because the sheer amount of dickish-ness would take up 5 pages]


>shat on him


What? All I see are people just having a bit of fun with questions. How is this being dicky?


And what did Goop do to deserve such caustic and sardonic responses? He… asked for questions on his Q&A.


Which was exactly what people gave him.


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BIG MISTAKE YOU FUCKING STUPID IDIOT! Do you have any idea of the fucking legendary grounds on which you’re treading. Our old pal Stu has a question for ya!


Oh wow, way to we lcome the new forum members, Stu! It would seem that you SHOULD know “who the fuck” Goop Videos is, considering he has gained more subscribers in the past year than you have in your entire YouTube channel’s lifetime!


Well, he asked him something.


Okay, I admit, Stuart can be a bit of a dick at times, but he also makes fun of himself anyway, so I'm not really sure if he really means it.


But who am I to talk down to YOU? The great STUART KEEMSTAR REILLY, the legend, the genius, the indisputable, unequivocable authority on all things poop!




You can stop now, if you want to.


Frankly, I’m sorry it had to come to this. You know, I used to respect you, Stu, probably more so than any other YouTube Pooper. There was once a time when you produced some of the most cutting edge content in the world of YouTube Poop. To be completely honest, YTPNews was my absolute favorite series on this entire website. For years, whenever I saw a new YTPNews pop into my sub box, I would literally drop everything and watch it. It was THE series to discover new poopers, fads, and just interesting things. I used to always support you, watching everything you made. I’m sure if I look back in my channel history, I would not be surprised if I had given the greatest number of likes to your channel over ANYBODY else. I used to be one of the many young, aspiring poopers watching wide-eyed as you delivered your rants and sermons. In my eyes and along with many other people (trust me), you were a paragon of success, the only YouTube Pooper who could produce excellent YTPs while maintaining such a strong community presence.


Boring "we used to be friends!" stuff, moving on


In a way, you were the perfect bridge between the casual YTP fan and the more dedicated veteran. You taught us so many skills and techniques, and there is NO doubt that I would not be where I am today had I never discovered your videos. Using the very same ideas I learned from YOUR videos, I suddenly found myself climbing the ladder of popularity. Soon, I was a model for success in YTP, but through my entire rise, I never forgot my roots. I put you in my recommended channels box, I recommended my new fans to subscribe to you, I called you one of my biggest inspirations in my Q&A, I featured your videos in my top YTPs lists BOTH years. I did this because I felt that with your previous community contributions, you deserved ALL OF THIS. So do you think that perhaps, after all of my generosity, it would be too much to ask for you to at least maintain some sort of positive regard towards me? I’m not asking for a fucking medal, I am just asking for you to treat me with a little bit of goddamn respect, THAT’S ALL I EVER REALLY WANTED. But no, apparently that was too much to ask from you, because after I got popular you turned on me faster than a shark at the smell of blood. I guess it was too big of a request for you to be happy for my success, considering that YOU, YOURSELF INSPIRED IT.


He gave you acknowledgment of your March Madness thing from years back, so there you go.


But no, month after month I revisit the Youchew forums to see you posting shit like this:




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He kind of has, now that I think about it.


This may be the most ironic thing I’ve ever heard in my entire life. You guys want to know why I’ve been spamming this phrase on my Twitter? Let me explain why. The sheer ridiculousness of this phrase has been bouncing around in my mind ever since I first read it. I mean, how do I even respond to this? “I’VE” been on a downward spiral. I AM the one who’s on a downward spiral? Have you taken a look in the mirror lately Stu? Remember how your news show used to be my favorite thing on the internet? Well, I honestly cannot name one news show in the past 2 years where I felt like it was worth my while. It’s all fucking negativity these days.
Oh, YTP is deeeeedd
All the kids are using the same sources
I don’t know anyone in YTP these daysI wish it was still 2010, back in the GOOD TIMES


I'm... utterly shocked. On one hand, you're acting... actually, not even like a 9-year-old while the parents aren't looking, a 7-year-old who accidentally discovered what the eef wurd was. On the other, you're taking this situation wayyyyyyyyyyy too seriously.




Is he seriously making a gigantic deal about YOUTUBE POOPS?


What an absolute insult to anyone who makes YTPs these days. And frankly, the fact that you are completely ignorant to the existence of ANY modern poopers, guys like NPCarlsson, guys like Jimmy Davis, the fact that you no longer want to make an effort to even give these poopers a chance MAKES ME SICK. Y’know Stu, there’s more fucking poopers in the world than Geibuchan, and I have nothing against Geibuchan, his poops are fucking excellent, but Stu, I am BEGGING you to actually try watching some of these newer poopers BUT YOU WON’T. You’ll just keep lamenting the idea that YTP is dead because people like WalrusGuy and Imaperson aren’t being talked about anymore. I would say that your head’s stuck up your shit, but (even worse), your head’s stuck in the past.


"Yeah, you. I hear you have an opinion. Fuck you."


Look Stu, I miss the old days too! Do you know how fondly I remember the days of SantaWithTeeth, BarneyIsPerverted and LinkonDrugs? Those guys were FUCKING AWESOME. But you know what? I accept the fact that they’re gone and they’re NEVER COMING BACK. You won’t find me waiting with bated breath for a new BarneyisPerverted upload in 2016.


You say you've been a big fan of Stuart and you don't know he could care less about Spongebob poops?


But you know what? That’s okay. People move on from YTP and NEW people take their place. If your favorite pooper retires, too bad so sad. Find a new favorite. There are PLENTY of names to choose from. But no, you sit sit there, and type, and complain, and ridicule anything that wasn’t made to fit in your little “golden age”. Face it Stu, you’re more washed up than New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina.


I don't know how you can compare a small-time video editor to a storm that killed hundreds of innocent civilians, but okay?


You, like Youchew, are out of touch with what people ACTUALLY like in YTP. And it should come as no surprise why that’s the case, because that “cynical Youchew old guard” I mentioned earlier is YOU. YOU’RE the reason why the site is a ghost town today. YOU’RE the reason why Youchew is stuck in time and refuses to embrace modern YTPs. YOU’RE the reason no new poopers ever stay on Youchew. I’ve seen it time and time again. Every time someone tries to bring up a new point of discussion, you’re always there with some snobbish remark to make them wish they never posted anything in the first place. And everyone else agrees with your shitty opinions because you’re STUART FUCKING REILLY, THE AUTHORITY ON ALL THINGS POOP.




is he really saying that nobody should ever have anything in common with somebody just because of his opinions


Wow, uh, there you go.


Look, I’m not really sure why I’m making this rant.


Neither am I.


It’s probably not for my subscribers, considering most of them have no idea what the fuck I’m talking about at this point. At most this rant is aimed at about 50 people;


Yet you hardly talked about anyone other than Waymu and Stuart.


so why would I, a channel of over 100,000 subscribers even bother making this? Well, I feel like what I have said in this video is something that should have been said a long time ago, just nobody bothered to do it. I thought my “We Need to Talk” video would be the end of me ranting like this, but I guess it turns out that a lot of the stuff I actually wanted to say in that video remained unsaid. I would like to apologize to you guys, my fans on behalf of that video. A lot of my anger which I directed towards you in that video was displaced from the sources which I outlined in this rant. Frankly, I have some of the best fans on the internet if they stuck with me after all the shit I said in that video.


Your fans certainly can take a lot. I can say that.


I know that some of you view me as this arrogant dickhead who only cares about his sub count, but that’s not how I view myself.


Well, may mileage vary.


Honestly… I’m just A GUY




who makes really stupid videos and then got really lucky where I somehow found myself with a shitload of subscribers. Did the success go to my head? Maybe a little at first, but now, I really really really really don’t care what people think of my videos. I’m just along for the ride, man. I don’t know what matters for the rest of you when making or watching YouTube Poops (I certainly don’t know what matters for people like Waymu), but for ME, YTP represents a mode of creative and ideological freedom that does not exist anywhere else on the internet.


Are you about to go David Bailey on our asses


Last month I graduated from high school, and I felt an unbelievable sensation of freedom. However three months before that, I figuratively graduated from taking YouTube Poop so seriously after my “We Need to Talk” video. The reason I’m making stranger videos more frequently is NOT BECAUSE I’M GOING INSANE, which a lot of you seem to think. I’m not crazy, I’m not depressed, I’m actually living a very happy and peaceful life.


Good for you


The reason my new videos are the way they are is because I have abandoned my inhibitions. Ironically, my ASCENDED video to which started all of this recent drama was made to celebrate the new state of mental freedom which I now possess In a way, I have “ascended” to an unprecedented level of enjoyment from these dumb videos.


I don't think I was confused at your videos for that reason?


I want YouTube Poop to be as successful as it can possibly be. It just so happens that the ascended video was actually reuploaded to Facebook, and it got 700,000 views in just a few days.


I'm... mixed on the idea that YTPs could become super popular. On one hand, it could lead to a frenzy that could make for a large mixing bowl of talent. On the other... a cesspool would better describe would could happen.


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I don’t really care about it being freebooted or any popularity I may have gained or lost, what makes this so amazing is that 700,000 new people witnessed the insanity of YouTube poop. As much as Stu or Youchew would like to have you believe otherwise, there IS and audience for YTP.


There's so much of an audience, they forgot that the word "an" doesn't include a d at the end.


Most of them just haven’t found it yet. At this point, I’m just rambling. So what exactly is my point in this video?


There was no point


Well, in order for YTP to be as successful as it can possibly be, it needs a strong community. I feel like Youchew USED to fulfil this need, however in recent years it has served more of a dividing force than anything else. But contrary to most of what I’ve said in this video, I honestly believe that a lot of the members of Youchew are good people, they have just been held down by a broken system.


Yeah, all that talk about people sucking up to somebody solely because of supposed brainwashing into believing him to be royalty (supposedly, anyway) really wasn't meant, apparently?


I realized I may have upset a bunch of people on the site with my recent videos, and whether you forgive me or not, I just want to make sure you understand my side of the story. I just find it baffling how the general attitude of the site is simply not conducive to the overall well being of YTP. If only they would become more accepting of popular styles and sources, maybe new members would begin to return. Who knows, maybe Youchew can change. They probably still hate me though.


Ackbar Episode Three was nominated for best poop of the year at the Best Of 2015 thing, so there you go.


Oh well.


Oh well is right.


Anyway, I have the look on my face that could either mean I could laugh at this exceedingly or hunt Lemon down. Either would fit the mood. He's practically been flanderized about his videos. I feel like he really should seek out help or advice or something. He needs it.


Actually, forget it.