"So is that what you call a getaway?
Tell me what you got away with
Because I've seen more spine in jellyfish
I've seen more guts in 11 year old kids."
-Brand New, "Seventy Times Seven"
"You're running after something
That you'll never kill
And if this is you want
Then fire at will."
-My Chemical Romance, "Thank You For The Venom"
This is a blog entry I have tried to make several times, as it is a hard thing to discuss, but it's god damn important, and it'll almost be three years since it happened, which I can't believe, but it makes me really happy knowing this is over. It's probably one of the most... significant parts of my life, sadly, and it's an awful event. The worst time of my life. Sigh.... yeah, here we go. It's something important to know when you really get to know me for a person. I've probably skimmed about this subject a few times before... but here we go. I just want to put a trigger warning for mentions of suicide and depression. So yeah, here we go. And I need to mention one thing: I'm a very mentally stable person right now. Anyway, I've probably mentioned a bit of this in that long MLP post I did, but yeah, I plan for this to be a bit more in detail and the real meat of what happened 3 years ago won't happen until a bit later.
Anyway, this story all started in fifth grade. What do I need to say about that year? It was one of the best of my life. In fourth grade, I began to drift off from other kids and they started... they started to kind of respect me again. I remember going home every day that year and watching shows like Shugo Chara, MLP, Regular Show, and Adventure Time and it was then, it was because of MLP and Shugo Chara that my interest in cartoons really started. Good teachers, friends, and good events, I really had it all. Anyway, around Spring that year, about 5 years ago, I started to get bullied by some students again because I liked MLP, and the staff even got involved. And it was all fixed and I had a very good year. In June 2012, I graduated 5th grade. I really thought things would continue to be great...
Then middle school happened.
My best friend from 3rd-5th grade went to another school and I entered 6th grade with one friend I made at camp that was going into my grade. Anyway, that year... Yeah, I started off with one friend and I had an immense struggle trying to get used to the customs of middle school. Then I met another kid who was the friend of my other friend... and well, I thought I had my friends for middle school. Anyway, around that time I began to be horribly bullied for liking MLP. I had personal threats and such, and some of the teachers... couldn't give a rats ass this was happening to me, although some did support me. It was such a goddamn awful time for me. And before I knew it, later in the year around April and May those friends began to turn my back on me, and I was holding on to their friendship by something small and almost non existent- interests, and the fact they were too inept and pathetic to ditch me as a friend. So that teetered on for a bit until I got out of school, and entered the worst fucking summer of my entire life (summer 2013).
I began to fight a lot with one of my friends, and on sight said pretty much "fuck off" to the other, because I couldn't take it anymore. Back then, I got... I got into Homestuck, something I loathe now. My friends... that was pretty much what ruined my friendship with the both of them. For some reason they could not handle the fact i liked Homestuck at all. And yeah, I began to make a good friend because of that interest, who I really thought would bring the end to this... to this dark age, but he was a friend who cared about me, and a friend that I haven't talked to in a DAMN long time, but one I am still on really good terms with.
But yeah, than, August that year my 7th grade year started. I was left in middle school with a ton of bullies, but with no friends of my own. The month I stayed at that school... Probably one of the hardest months in my entire life, my goodness. I was still bullied a lot, but one instance when some kids tried to steal my backpack really stuck a nerve with my mom, who requested a transfer in September of that year.
It... well, I do think it was better to transfer in the long run, god knows what would have happened if I stayed at the other school, but things still were fucking awful right off the bat at this new school. I had a really hard time conversing with a lot of people, and I was so.... on edge from everything happening around me prior that I was irritable and had a lot of strong outbursts of anger during class. Nothing really changed at all for that point, although a good amount of good kids at that school did not judge me, and I appreciated that so much. Overall, calling it a tough time was a fucking understatement by a mile.
And here's where the meat of all this comes in.
I...... I met someone. To put it quite simply, I met a girl. Umm, well, I guess calling her something like "that girl" would be dumb, so I'll have to choose a name similar to that.... How about Amanda? Yeah, Amanda sounds fine for the job. Anyway, I met this girl named Amanda. She was this girl who was in my Science, Computers (shit like typing and some other computer programs, EXTREMELY low key and fun class.), and History classes. Right of the bat, she was someone who was very kind to me. We weren't friends or anything, but we were incredibly civil and kind to each other. She was nice as hell, and just generally was a sweet person. And she wasn't a prep or anything, she was this kind of.... well, she was super into all the generic Hot Topic kind of bands (I could call them emo but that would be an insult to bands like The Get Up Kids and The Promise Ring) and had this super laid back personality. Seemed like the person who was always fun loving, always able to vent with, and was just really fucking fun to be around.
And well, after a while..... I realized I liked her. And no, I am not fucking talking like. I'm talking adored. You know how in elementary school you think you have crushes on people but like you're too naive to realize it? I did, and this was my first full blown fucking crush. I was OBSESSED with this girl. Like, not to a stalker level, but like someone experiencing their first love, which I was. I thought Amanda would be the light at the end of the tunnel, the light that would escape me from all of this shit going on. Depression, loneliness, still getting over my problems, and the fact I was getting harshly bullied by some assholes I know an another forum, which luckily does not exist anymore. Don't even want to think about that shit.
But yeah, fucking Amanda. I was just..... god. Fantasy after fantasy I had, of a visionary me asking her out and her gladly saying yes and the two of us going to the mall or some shit and just being a couple, and being the light at the end of the tunnel. This went on for so goddamn long, and one thing. She had a boyfriend. Ha ha this kid is actually in my graphic design class this year, ha ha funny shit. He's one of the douchey (I have not spoken a word to him and I'm glad I haven't, seems like a douche but I don't know him) "bro" lacrosse players here, and even though she had a boyfriend, I fucking LONGED for the day the two split apart and I'd come in. I now, fucking delusional, but I was a 12 year old with my first crush, so you can give me a pass, right?
Shit went on for a while.... until late January. I remember this day vividly. Well, that friend I mentioned having in the summer? I saw him almost every weekend during, well, with this event... most of 7th grade. I even told him about Amanda and how much I loved her and everything... I remember going into detail the time I saw him right before this event. Anyway, due to a complication... we couldn't see each other anymore. And this.... this fucking teared me up. I remember getting the news and just trying with all the emotional might and my entire body not to just break out into so many tears. However, one thing I did, was I pressed on knowing that.... knowing that Amanda was there.
February 17th, 2014.
Sounds like a normal day, right? And you know what, it was. It really was, until 8th period that day. 8th period was my final class of the day. History. Which as I've stated before, I shared with Amanda. Anyway, on the very edge of it all, I told her how I felt. I really did. I had to come clean about everything. I told her I loved her and I've had a large crush on her. Despite me coming in at a bad time because I was a 12 year old with raging hormones, she took it extremely well. She thought it was cute and all, and that fucking made my day. I remember blushing so hard. It was such a happy day for me.
Well, here we are. As I've said many times, dark journal entry. Here's where it's gonna get extremely dark. So, well, the big point of this part is that this is your chance to get out. Because as I've said, it's getting fucking dark here.
A while later, about 10 or more days past. Early March 2014 sounds right. I can't pinpoint the exact thing that happened, but it was something. There was probably not a single point where it was lost, but oh boy, it was fuckin' lost. Amanda... started isolating herself from me. And I have no idea why. It got to the point where she constantly flashed certain angry faces at me, glaring in anger, even when I was near.
Never before have I had my heart crushed as hard as when that fucking happened. It literally felt like iron thorns pierced my heart, it got stomped on about 100 times with the spurs on a pair of cowboy boots, and then it was spit on. I know it's overly poetic, and probably dumb sounding, but that was how I felt. I basically lost all reason, I lost all motivation inside of me to keep on going. I wanted to leave school and all. I remember telling my mom, without not mentioning Amanda, that I just needed the get the fuck away from school. I grew irritable around almost anyone. I really, well...... I completely lost all motivation in me to live. To keep going. And well, i........ I made plans to take my own life.
One of the big things igniting my anger was the fact that no one saw her the way I did. Everyone loved her, everyone thought she was this great girl, which.... well, luckily we go to different schools, but it seems like things haven't changed a bit, sadly. I have close friends who know what happened, and well, they seem to shun her about it, I'm not positive, but I think it's the way. But yeah, that was one of the greatest things igniting my anger.
I turned 13 on April 17th, 2014. It was a good birthday for what it was, I guess. Well, if you took my major depression out of the equation, it would be. Now I can only look back on that birthday and just feel so fucking sad.
April 18th, 2014. I remember all these days so well, leading up to the event. I was taken out of school early that day because my mom was willing to because I had guests over, and yeah, I really remember going home and really using a lot of my birthday presents.
April 19th, 2014. Very rainy day. The day before Easter. My guest, my now deceased aunt, took me and my sister to this one big arcade place with go karts and stuff near our house. It was really our thing; she would take us and we would have fun at that.
April 20th, 2014. Easter. Depressing day. Had a fight with my dad that day, who I was having troubles with my relationship with him during that time (We are fine now), and just grew even deeper.
April 21st, 2014.... pretty normal day, honestly. Don't remember much at all.
Here comes the dreaded day.
April 22nd, 2014. This is a day that will live in infamy for me, and well, a lot happened that day. I can remember the day to the most minute details.
I woke up that morning. I think I ate biscuits for breakfast? Probably. Watched JonTron (this was years before all that white nationalist shit happened) before school. Went to school. It was a pretty normal day, that is until my 3rd period class, which I had Gym, that the main..... the main events of the day occurred.
That day was the day where the elementary schoolers going into middle school toured the school. Obviously, students were chosen to be tour guides for the elementary schoolers and guess who was chosen? Yeah, fucking Amanda was chosen. I remember I was in my 3rd period gym class and Amanda and her group came down. This pissed me off so goddamn much. I remember seeing that and just getting so angry. And a few others were complimenting her and stuff like that, and it just seemed like those fifth graders were really enjoying her presence.
That was when I fucking LOST it. I can't think of a single moment in my entire life where I was that angry, and so... so not myself.
I began to scream. I began to just let out all of my inner anger, that anger I've channeled in myself for over a month, out. I ran, I was in hysterics. I frantically ran to the gym's exercise room and found like the end of a dumbbell or something like that and in anger, for some reason, I only lightly hit it on my head a couple of times. Than after a little bit of further raging, the bell rang and I went to my next period-Art. Well, after entering, before the teacher was in I knocked over like two or three chairs on accident and then I think someone heard me? Something like that, that part is a big foggy. Anyway, i was just...... at that point, I was bawling. Honestly, I don't think I've cried as hard as I did on that day. I remember that my eyes were pretty foggy for like 30 minutes straight I cried so hard. Anyway, I was sent to counseling and well, when a social worker came and asked me what was going on.... I..... I came clean.
I remember telling that worker I just... i didn't know what to do anymore. And yeah, I remember that's when I broke it to her and said I was feeling suicidal. Anyway, after that, I went on with my day for a bit when I got called to the office during lunch time. I enter the office, get sent to the counseling room and I see my dad there, who proceeds to take me home. I couldn't go back to school until I saw a psychiatric doctor. Anyway, my mom who was like an hour away had to stop everything she was doing and come back home to comfort me. Anyway, it's just.... I remember after going home we went to a few doctors and my psychiatrist at the time. After that, I just remember my mom crying to me later in the day, asking why I wanted to take my life. I just came clean about everything, my position in life, and everything. And well, yeah, I missed school the next day.
From that point, I got the help I absolutely needed. And well, i'm so glad I did. I got medicine I still take to this day for anxiety and it's just, well nothing was perfect right away (I was pretty fucked up after the whole incident but as time went on my mental health really improved), and yeah.
I guess that's really it. I can't say much else. I hate Amanda a lot and rank her as the worst person I've had the misfortune of meeting. When I'm typing this, it's, well, it's April 22.